Windows of the Soul
by Lestaki
Summary: An unforgivable crime leaves an immeasurable distance. And even if you offer forgiveness freely, it may not be accepted. Shiznat, post-Hime, and various others. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Windows of the Soul**

There are so many Shiznat fics now that there's a pressure to bring something new to the table, but this is just a plain depiction of the lives of a psychotic lesbian stalker with erstwhile magical powers and her equally ex-magical crush. Please don't expect too much.

And yes, it's Mikoto, damnit. I've been watching altogether too much Minami-ke.

* * *

I am a dragon. 

Dragons are many things to many people. Intelligent or stupid, with a low cunning or a sinister genius, large or small as they like, thin or fat, long or short, with scales of any colour you care to name, evil monsters, noble spirits, a steed to be tamed and rode or an ally and comrade or a being that will never suffer a mortal touch, a being that eats suns, dies to knights, eats virgins and in every respect embodies destructive power. Dragons can good or evil. It's just a matter of perspective. But regardless, they are intrinsically destructive, and that will not change. Still, they have a certain knack for capturing the human imagination, and worming their way into the myth of people across the world. People like to think about dragons, though I doubt they'd want to be one.

Dragons eat monks, as well, and unrequited loves.

I wish my dragon was here, my Kiyohime. It was easier, before, to separate things. I was myself, pure and imbued with purpose. And Kiyohime was the monster, albeit my beloved monster, a faithful servant who would give me the power to protect her. Now I am alone things are much more complicated, and I can no longer pretend that I am not part of the monster, and that Kiyohime was not one with part of me.

Everything had been so simple, then. Demons must lead uncomplicated lives.

But that's not to the purpose. I closed my eyes and chased thoughts out of my mind, trying to enjoy the moment, if nothing else. A moment of peace, with cold air against my face as I sat in seiza, a gentle nighttime wind rustling the grass, moonlight reflecting off the water. I probably looked very beautiful in that moment, I'm sure. My hands were folded neatly on my lap, resting on the sheath of my katana. In my mind's eye, the dragon roared. It had been in such a place, if not this place, where the end had begun. I pricked myself with that memory, drawing blood and probing the pain that sprang from it. That was, if not good, necessary, to know that I was still human and still alive. If my innermost heart ever matched my smooth porcelain face, I would lose all my excuses. But, at least, I still regret, and I still make myself sick to the heart. I am still human. Still water reflected the light of the moon, and I watched without moving.

Water Moon. The moon that I see there cannot be grasped, and even if I were to reach out, there would be nothing but ripples and regret. That is the penance we pay for desiring the unobtainable.

"Ojou-sama," Hideko said softly.

"Yes?" I asked without looking round.

"Viola-sama has called. She would like to speak to you."

I nodded. "Tell her I am already asleep."

"But-"

"You didn't give any indication of anything else being true, did you?"

"No, ojou-sama."

"Then you shall say that, but do assure her that I haven't run off again. I will call her back in the morning. But tell her that it's still arranged, for me to be staying here for a few weeks longer. I have a few things to take care of. Is that understood?"

"Yes, ojou-sama." Hideko bowed swiftly and withdrew.

"Thank you," I said, half-late. I really was slipping up in recent times. I didn't even look the poor woman in the face.

As silence fell again in my peaceful little world, I felt a peculiar compulsion of mine. Moonlight on the water is all very well, of course, but it only provides the most literal of reflections. I drew my katana a few inches, staring thoughtfully at the square of polished metal. Red eyes stared back at me, the centerpiece of a composed, idly contemplative face. Of course, this wasn't my Element, just as these lingering feelings are not Kiyohime. But the principle of the thing is the same. They are weapons, and this blade in an instant recalls everything I have ever done. I wallow in those memories, because they describe the exact extent of the corruption that lies within. It's a filthy, disgusting thing, a sword, an implement designed with no functions but to take a life from this world. And everyone is so connected in this world that to do such a thing is the ultimate sin. But still, they have a fey beauty. I'm not comparing myself to a sword, though. I am a dragon, or perhaps something worse than that. I knew exactly what I was doing. I know exactly what I did.

Before, when I played this game, it was in earnest. Those were the days straight after, when my palms sweated and my hands shook as they gripped the hilt and I felt the bile rising in my belly whenever I stopped to think. I have progressed, a little. Now I merely regard the blade and all its possibilities with a dull, detached and scientific interest. I know exactly how easy it is to kill a human. But I have killed so many that my own blood would mean nothing at all. Even if I had, that would not bring the dead back to life. After contemplation, I have decided that death isn't any kind of redemption. Instead, my duty is to live, and so I do, day by day. It is almost more than I could bear.

And so it is with her, as well. If only I could avoid her, I would, because it is a daily torture to she her distance, her weak smiles and cautious gaze and subtle fear, and her kindness. In a clumsy way. She believes she does me a favour, to play at forgiveness. I would never see her again, but that would be my weakness. I killed for her, and if that's why I cannot bear to see her face, she can hardly be blamed. No, redemption isn't running away, either. The easy solution is generally the wrong one in life. If a path feels clean and right, then it is false. I have learned that well, and so I will smile and be what I should have been to her all along, her friend. That is how things should be.

"I have relayed your message, ojou-sama."

"Thank you," I replied, voice empty. "I'm sorry to trouble you to such a deception, but I have a headache tonight." It was surprisingly difficult to string even those simple words together. I was tired, and I simply wanted to think.

"It was nothing. Shouldn't you come in, ojou-sama? Even summer nights can be very cold out, and you need your sleep."

"Thank you for your concern, but I doubt I will be able to sleep for a little while yet. I will come back in presently."

"Yes, ojou-sama," Hideko replied, sadness plain in her voice. She bowed and left silently.

They always look at me with those eyes, now. Those sad and worried eyes. It makes me sick, but it isn't their fault. I wonder what they whisper, when they think I can't hear, or when I'm at school? Illness? Lovesickness? Stress? I am sure they have come up with such imaginative explanations that I have never come up with a specific lie. That would ruin their speculative little pastimes.

My truth is both a ludicrously unlikely and complex one, and also the simplest truth of all.

I looked up at the ever-distant moon and wondered what Natsuki was doing right now.

* * *

"What are we going to do over the summer, anyway?" Mai asked. 

"Who knows?" I replied.

"Don't say that! Chances like this don't come up too often, you know, Natsuki," Mai said, holding up a finger. "We should plan a lot of fun things to do together."

"You do that. The point is I, for one, do know what I'll be doing over the summer. Attending extra classes, or I don't graduate." I checked the room, just in case. Mai, Mikoto, Tate, all conditions clear. And so I threw my hands up. "Isn't this complete bullshit? I helped save the world, for God's sake, and they're quibbling over the minor details!"

"Well, to be fair, I don't think completing a year's work counts as a minor detail," Mai mused. "And for the most part you were skipping for your own reasons anyway."

"Don't be so analytical about it!" I snapped. "I died, you know! I actually, genuinely game over, reload from save file died. What else do they expect?"

"You have a point," Mai muttered.

"Well, yeah," I said, conscious that I was turning the conversation in a bad direction. "But then there's… Takeda! I've heard about that guy's grades. Just how the hell did he graduate? Clerical error?"

"I think you're being a little hard on the poor boy," Mai said, smiling weakly.

"Nah, she has a point," Tate said. "With that guy, I really don't know either."

"Honestly, if kendo club leadership was all it took to graduate I'd go and take it from him right now," I argued. "But life's only that convenient for other people. I know someone's out for revenge."

"Oh, don't be such a drama queen," Mai chided.

"Can't you get Fujino-san to do something?" Tate asked. "I mean, she is council president…"

"Was," I corrected. "And do you want me to have to see her smug smile?"

"I suppose not."

"In any case, you're really going to have to do something about Takeda-senpai," Mai said. "The poor boy's already graduated, and he's still mooning over you. You owe it to him to at least give him an answer."

I considered saying something sharp about Mai's decisiveness in choosing men but decided one awkward slip-up would do for an evening. Besides, we both knew that coming to a decision was hardly the problem. So I just shrugged coldly. "Oh, come on. Isn't that just a pain in the ass? I don't see why I should even talk to him after everything he's pulled, and it's not like he ever said anything properly."

"You should be graceful, Natsuki. Anything else is just arrogant. And he is a good boy."

I cocked an eyebrow.

"He just got into a few… accidents."

I sniffed. "Well, you should know that there are some accidents a lady can't forgive." I glanced subtly across the room, trying out some of this tact stuff Shizuru was always talking about. Apparently, I lack tact, which is nonsense. I always tell everyone very clearly why they're annoying the hell out of me, instead of letting them suffer in silence. But Mikoto was rolling across the floor, plainly bored out of her moderately feline skull, and Tate was shooting longing looks at Mai. Men are all hopeless. Though that goes for most women as well, of course, in different ways. Most people are generally hopeless.

"Oh, don't be so stiff-necked," Mai said reasonably. "You don't have to do it in person if you don't want to, either. Why don't you just write a letter?"

"A letter?" I queried. She nodded. "And if I tell him to jump off a cliff, he'll stop bothering me forever?"

"Well, I'd phrase it more politely," Mai said.

"If it's you saying that, he just might," Tate cautioned.

I groaned. "Fine, fine. I'll pull the punches, whatever. But I still don't see why I should show any consideration to him at all."

"Just get it over with, and you can forget him, and I'll stop nagging you," Mai observed with a wry smile. "It's too much to hope for that you'd have any interest in him, I guess."

"Are you kidding? I'd rather beat myself to death with one of his shinai. Let's be very clear on that one." I folded my arms and snorted. "I don't know where he got the idiot idea into his head in the first place. I barely know the guy."

"Well, crushes work like that," Mai said easily, as if being in one relationship made her the world expert.

Again, I didn't mention what I remembered of her very interesting track record. "If you say so. Creeps me out, though."

"You really are always aloof, aren't you?" Mai smiled. "You really need to get a boyfriend or something. It's not like you aren't beautiful or popular-"

"That's enough. Don't start. I'm not the relationship type, as I've said a thousand times before." I closed my eyes. "I don't have any interest in that kind of silly teenage game."

"Still with the lone wolf personality. Well, it's your loss."

"Theirs, you mean," I replied, feeling slightly pleased with myself. Okay, not Shizuru-level yet, but I can play with words too. The line of conversation was annoying, though, and once Mai's started talking about it she never stops.

Well, I guess it's nice for her to be able to talk about normal things, or something. But it's still a pain in the ass.

Mai laughed, and I stretched, standing up. "I feel like a walk, if you don't mind. How about you, Mikoto? Do you want to go get some ice cream?"

Mai frowned. "At this time of night?"

"Oh, wrap her up in a coat, mother," I snorted. "And it's not like we can't handle ourselves, anyway. How about it, Mikoto?"

The girl sprang up from her sitting position, nodding eagerly. "Let's go get ice-cream!"

"Then we can come too," Mai began, before I shook my head.

"You two stay here. There's no point in everyone getting cold, right?"

"I'll choose Mai's ice cream," Mikoto confided eagerly. "And it'll be a good one, too!"

"Are you sure…" Mai began.

Honestly, you can't do a favour for some people. "Of course," I snapped. "I only came up with this to get away from your yapping about me and guys anyway, right?" Hopefully she'd take that as a joke.

She did smile at that. "Okay, if you insist." She got up as well. "Come on, Mikoto, you can't go bounding off just yet… even in summer it'll be cold at night, okay?" She grabbed Mikoto's coat from the hanger, then turned to find that Mikoto had hidden behind a chair. "Jeez, stay still," she complained.

Personally, I don't see what the fuss is about. I'm pretty sure you could stick Mikoto nude at the south poll with no food or water and she'd make her way to Mai's flat inside the week, demanding food and back rubs. But Mai's got a mother complex about her. Probably makes up for Takumi getting a girlfriend or something. I don't know, I'm not a psychologist. Me, I just shrugged on my leather jacket and waited for the slapstick chase scene that was raging three foot from me to end. Normal children would say they don't want to wear the coat, but Mikoto can only attack or flee. There's something to be said for such a style, I must admit. Just as long as I'm not the caretaker of the wretched girl, something I'd just offered to do.

I blame it on the boytalk. I can't stand that stuff.

And so I went to get ice cream for Mai's adoptive daughter at nine o'clock at night. Go figure, with my life. It hasn't gotten any saner, since those days were over with.

I will admit that Mikoto has a few things to recommend herself to you, though. She's easy to deal with, as even I can buy food. She doesn't talk much if Mai's not around, and when she does she isn't exactly a trap conversationalist like some people I know. And I didn't have to fight her, either. I imagine she doesn't look so innocent to those who were killed by the second demonic Hime. And always to protect someone, I'm told… quietly.

I can ruin my own moods, as well. I've always been straight-forwards, and a straight-forwards denial has served me quite well these last few weeks. Insofar as it's possible, I'm pretending it didn't exist. Not the ghost of my mother, not killer cyborgs and orbital strikes, not deathmatches, conspiring nuns and Nao and above all… not her. That didn't happen. It's just a collective delusion we just don't talk about, because if we got down to exploring the twisted truths of that time we'd kill each other all over again. And this time, there'd be no convenient resurrection miracle. Not unless you believe in the afterlife and even then we're all going straight to hell.

Sometimes I do wonder whether that stuff really didn't happen. I mean, it's complete fantasy in objective terms. If I was to describe it to any third party, they'd consider me mad. I've wondered whether I am mad. But it did happen. There are too many leftovers for it to be a lie. Birthmarks, fat men with afros and my exceptional sporting abilities are all incidental. It's the looks, the fears, the hates, the resentments that linger still. The dropped sentences, awkward pauses in a conversation, a hate between friends that lies too deep to be pulled out and burns too strong to be forgotten. You don't need to be sensitive to notice such things. That's also another reason why I'm convinced it's real. In all the stories, we would have discovered our powers, fought a great evil together, defeated it and become best friends forever. We did discover powers and we did fight evil, but most of the evil we found in ourselves. Most people don't need to look further than that to find it. And as for friends forever… sometimes I wonder whether we should just scatter in twelve different directions and never meet again. Isn't that just easier? But Mai wouldn't accept anything like that. She wants us to forgive each other. There are a few people who won't be forgiving her any time soon, though.

Real life is really messy, whether or not it includes dragons and wolves. That's because it involves real people.

"You know, I really hate that guy."

Case and point.

I turned and looked down at Mikoto in surprise. "That guy?"

"Tate. He has funny hair."

I laughed at that. "He certainly does. You should tell him that sometime."

"And Mai never pays any attention to me when he is there. It's really annoying. She won't let me do anything either, and she won't fix me food. That's why I hate him." Mikoto glanced up at me. "It's unfair, isn't it?"

I sighed. Why is she talking to me about this? Someone else would be a lot better, and I don't have much patience with it. "Well, yeah, it is. But that's how it is," I said bluntly. "You might as well get used to it."

Mikoto pouted. That girl can really pout.

I shifted uncomfortably. "Well, it's not like you have to be with Mai all the time anyway. It's called personal space or me time or something… I think… but you should have other friends anyway, right?"

Mikoto nodded sharply. "Yep. I have Natsuki, right?"

"I'm honoured," I replied dryly.

"And I have Nao and Shiho and Akira and Takumi and Sanae and Arika and Nachi and Aimi and Orimi and Utae and Yasue and even ani." Mikoto grinned. "I have a lot of friends."

"So it's fine, isn't it?" I reasoned.

"Mai's different, though," Mikoto said simply, looking at the ground again. "Mai's my favourite friend, and it's best to be with her. But Tate is Mai's favourite friend, not me, and I don't like Tate."

I opened my mouth to say something, then thought better of it. Instead I just shrugged. "Well, that happens."

Mikoto scowled at me. "Even if it happens, it doesn't make me happy."

"I know that," I retorted. I looked forwards again. "I know that. Well, it's not like I haven't noticed the difference either. But when this happens, friends are people who keep a little distance and put up with it. I think, anyway. It's not like I'm an expert either."

Mikoto nodded. "I got it. Then I'll be her best friend."

I smiled. "And in any case, she'll come crying back to us in the end. That's how it goes, isn't it?"

Mikoto blinked. "Is it?"

I frowned thoughtfully. "Probably. I think so. The girls in my year are always complaining about the boys. Not that I take part or anything, but it's always loud and annoying."

"Say, who is your favourite friend?" Mikoto asked.

I blinked. "My what?"

"Mai? Kaichou?" Mikoto made a face, pointing to herself. "Or Mikoto?"

I frowned automatically. "Well, you can discount the last one, definitely."

"Natsuki is mean." Mikoto blinked expectantly. "Well, who?"

"Well, I don't have anyone like that," I began, waving a hand dismissively. "I have friends, but it's not like I'd choose between them or that I obsess much about it."

Mikoto frowned for a moment, then pointed at me. "Hime."

"Huh?"

"Hime have favourite people."

Of course, Mikoto has no tact at all. Even though she killed the most Hime of us all, she doesn't really consider it a problem. It must be nice. "Well, that's a different matter," I said evasively. "And I'm not going to talk about that."

"Hmm," Mikoto pouted. "Natsuki won't tell me anything."

"It's not like it's important or anything." I groped for a change of subject. I could already see Shizuru's wry, sad eyes haunting me in the darkness.

* * *

"Hideko," I called softly. 

She padded silently across the floor. "Yes, ojou-sama?"

"My mind is ill at ease. I will be performing purification rites again tonight. Please bring me my white kimono and the headband."

"The kimono is being washed," Hideko said uneasily. "And it is late. It would not be wise-"

I turned to regard her, eyes sharp and unkind. But I smiled, in a twisted kind of way. "Please bring me my white kimono and headband, Hideko-san. I am aware of the health risks, but the condition of my spirit is more important for now."

"Yes, ojou-sama."

This is also a development that worries them. I have always been moderately religious, but only in a detached way before. This newfound zealotry must seem unhealthy to them. Of course, they do not understand that I have become so impure that I can no longer cleanse these sins, or receive any peace from the act, save in a small way. It helps me sleep, a little. That alone is grace.

I have committed the ultimate sin, taking life. Not to save my own, which is acceptable, but for my own pleasure, without regret and without apology, and not just once but many times over. The souls of those dead, those I killed so swiftly and so surely I lost count of their number, bear me an undying grudge. I must be pursued by so many aragami that my every step is dogged by a procession of demons. Sometimes I think I can see them, but that is only in my mind's eye. Certainly, my life is cursed, though.

But how can I explain that to them? I cannot. Their concern is merely another kind of punishment, for I must bear the burden of so many undeserved kindnesses.

Hideko left my white kimono behind me, neatly folded, and withdrew again. I paused for a few moments, closing my eyes and gathering my breath, then stood and began to undress, slipping out of my gaudy coloured kimono. Sometimes I wonder whether I should just wear white all the time and be done with it.

Actually, I was wearing something like this back then, wasn't I? All my traditional clothes have a kind of sickening nostalgia to them now. The cloth slid over my shoulders and fell to the floor, and I stood almost absently, the cold night air running over my naked body. A princess, wide open. There's a vulnerability to being undressed that is in all disproportion to fact. Clothes are just a social convention and they certainly won't turn a blade or stop a bullet. But still. And it was also very cold, which is an even better reason to wear clothes all the time. I shrugged the white kimono on, composing my thoughts, then wrapped the bandana about my head.

Thought and action have become tangled in my head. In these moments, which is the repentance? I sat again, bouncing my hand in front of my stomach. I must become aware of it, the spirit within me. Whatever I think of myself, however many demons pursue me, that remains and I remain human. It is to that, first and foremost, that I make my apology. I will become a small and mean thing when I die, but that is of no matter. Before others can forgive me, I must forgive myself, or at least accept myself. I am not who I wish I am. I am myself. I will become aware of myself, and take that inward thing out to see it, before keeping it within. My soul trembles and I feel it. Ease the soul and you will ease the mind. My sins are wrong, but the weight of sin on me in itself is a different concept. Regret does not raise the dead. So take scant comfort from that, and find peace.

I began to perform bird rowing, stretching my muscles and letting physical exertion overtake conscious thought. The air was still cold, the moon still clear, gravel crunched under my feet, and still, always, I can see them. Those azure eyes. I can still see that place, time, moment.

I wonder how everyone else would see me. Shizuru-sama, so devout and faithful? I didn't know what I looked like, so I looked down at the water. Red eyes glowed unnaturally, a demon from the deep. But my hair fell cleanly and my face was clear. I was still wearing that damned mask, after all.

I wonder how she would see me, if she could see me in this moment? Would she understand?

I finished stretching and walked forwards. The gravel barely shifted under my feet. I have a graceful step. But not even I can walk on water, so I waded into the pond, watching the moon ripple beneath me. Once, it reflected a baleful red light. Now that star has fallen to earth and shattered, and it is only alive in my eyes. The water washed about my legs, rising to my waist at the hardest point. It was incredibly, excruciatingly cold. I raked up the water with my hands, splashing myself repeatedly on the chest and arms, then raising water and throwing it into my face. I tried to tame my limbs, but still they shivered. I remain human. My hair hung dank behind me, twisting into curls, while the already damn kimono clung unpleasantly to me, chafing. I remain human. I drank in the coldness, which obliterates myself. It is impossible to desire like this. My body cannot betray me like this. What it craves is release from my mind, release from this torture I inflict upon myself for the sake of purification. I splashed water over my face again.

From a Buddhist perspective, my righteous self-harm here is as foolish and reckless as my selfish indulgence before. But that's fine. Whatever Gods exist on heaven or earth, they would not forgive me. I merely seek my own peace of mind, and Natsuki's smile.

That would be enough.

* * *

I looked up at the moon from the balcony. Yeah, yeah. Cliché as hell, I know. But I had to look at something, and it damn wasn't going to be those three idiots inside if I had anything to do with it. Doesn't Mai see enough of us at school? 

"You're surprisingly quiet," Mai noted, coming through right on time. "Are you alright, Natsuki?"

"I'm fine, naturally," I said gruffly, turning to face her. "But watching Mikoto bounce off the walls is not my idea of a good time."

"I'd forgotten, but sugar before bedtime is bad for her. Well, not bad for her so much as it's bad for everyone else…" Mai laughed. "Thanks for earlier, though."

"That was only a favour to myself," I said, turning away again. "I told you that before."

"You're always so dishonest," Mai teased lightly. "You can't take a compliment at all."

"I'm even worse with insults," I replied.

"That's true." Mai walked past me, leaning on the wall.

I frowned. "Is Tate okay?"

"He's looking after the little monster," Mai replied flippantly. "He'll go back in a bit. You can stay if you like, but you probably want to go home as well."

"Ah." I nodded absently. I glanced sidelong at her, but she didn't say anything more, so I went back to looking at the moon.

"It wasn't so long ago, was it?" Mai began. "When-" She broke off.

"I don't know whether it feels like yesterday or a hundred years ago," I said. "Probably both."

"People would find it funny for you to have introspective moments," Mai noted wryly.

"Right back at you. You're the strong one."

"As if."

"You can't take a compliment." I frowned. "What do you think she's doing?"

"She?"

"Shizuru." I wondered why I'd said that, almost as soon as I had said it. But Mai seemed to understand.

"She'll be in bed, if she's sensible. She seems sensible." Mai frowned at me for a moment. "How are things… with you two?"

"Good. To be honest, things haven't really changed. Compared to before. She still teases me and smiles in her superior way and is really lazy and detached and god knows what else…" I grimaced. "Same old annoying Shizuru."

Mai smiled. "That's how you like it, isn't it?"

"As if anyone wants a friend that ruinously flippant," I said sternly. "Don't take any lessons from her, Mai. I won't have it."

"Yes, yes."

"And don't go 'ara ara' either," I said with feeling. The image of a school full of Shizuru fangirls running around saying that still haunts my nightmares.

"Well, I'm glad." And there wasn't anything else to say.

I can't put what has changed into words, not to tell her. Broken glass still glitters, but it isn't whole.

I will continue to believe, however, in her melancholy smile.

* * *

I dislike translation notes, but Shizuru merits them a little. 

1. Kiyohime- for the benefit of all two of the fandom who don't know the Kiyohime story, she fell for a monk who spurned her, turned into a dragon and burned him to death.

2. Seiza- the correct formal Japanese sitting position. Shizuru was probably born sitting like this.

3. Aragami- the angry spirit of a murdered person, which pursues the killer for eternity, according to Shinto belief.

4. Purification- Shizuru is performing a bastardised version of a Shinto ritual to cleanse sin and impurity.

5. Bird Rowing- physical preparation for purification.


	2. Chapter 2

**Windows of the Soul- Part 2**

Thanks for the reviews, all. And there's no need to apologise for constructive criticism, either. It's much appreciated. In general, yes, the characters are going to be a little darker than the last half of episode 26. But these girls went through a decent approximation of hell on earth, I'd personally find it odd if they were unchanged by the experience.

* * *

I smirked as I regarded them, or not exactly them. They were not reflected in my eyes. "Kiyohime."

She came forth for me, and destroyed for me. For my part, I walked through the chaos and flames, only tangentially touched by the struggle. I did not really see it; my eyes were far away. When they did force themselves upon me I raised my element and destroyed them. I didn't really notice how my red blade drew red blood, throwing them down like ripped dolls gurgling their lives out. I enjoyed the feeling, all the same. This was all for Natsuki. It would make her smile. I could see that, in a hazy way, and knew why I was doing this. For Natsuki, I would take all the sins of the world upon myself.

"Kiyohime," I repeated, tongue lingering on the words. I gave no orders, she always understands. The door collapsed around her, and I walked forwards.

Wait for me, Natsuki. Can you feel it? They made you sad, which is unforgivable, Natsuki. But I will do it for you. This was the purpose of your life, so I'm sorry. You should be the one to do it. But you're very tired right now, and I don't have a lot of time left. You wouldn't want to live at the end of the world. So I will make you very happy before then. I will destroy everyone who makes you sad. So say safe, and wait for me, Natsuki. Don't die to the others. I will destroy them all for you, when I return. I know some of them are you friends, but I can't let them be, not when only one of us can survive. I will protect you; I will always protect you, that is my purpose now. And at the end of all things, I will take away the final, unforgivable person who has made you sad. You hate me. I will give my life for you, and you will be the princess of the world. That will make you happy, won't it? You can gain everything. But you are so kind and so sad. That's why I will deliver it unto you. We are different, Natsuki. Unlike the others. They simply survive in an ugly way. Crying, screaming. Pointless blame, guilt and weakness. But I am different. You have given me pure purpose. I can feel it, Natsuki, and it is so strong. I am strong, for you. Like this, I will fight them both, and them all. I will not let you die. Just wait, Natsuki, and I will bring you so many beautiful gifts. I will recompense your tragedy and give you everything.

That is now my only reason to exist.

One man stood before me, aiming for my head. I was forced to acknowledge him to the extent that he demanded I move, and was worthy for my blade. I was careless, though, and distracted. My blade hit him in the shoulder, tearing through uncleanly. When I retracted my weapon, he was screaming, clutching his broken body. His right arm swung loosely from him, attached by a scrap of skin and shattered bone. That was very inelegant. I raised my naginata again, projecting it one more time.

Somehow I was falling, tangled and trapped. Panic hit me in a wave, along with a kind of anger. I did not know what had happened, but I couldn't die yet. I tore free and lashed out, grabbing the arm of the man standing above me and forcing myself bodily upwards.

"Ojou-sama," Hideko said, staggering back. She might have fallen, if I didn't have such a vice-like grip on her arm.

For a moment, I was in unconcealed, utter confusion. Then abruptly I returned to myself, releasing her arm and stepping back. "I thought I told you not to wake me any more," I said sharply, taking deep breaths to steady myself. The sheets crinkled beneath my feet.

"My apologies, ojou-sama, but Viola-sama has called again."

I sighed, pushing a sweat-slicked lock of hair out of my eyes. "I suppose this is her revenge for yesterday. Very well. I will take it here."

"As you say." Hideko stared at me. "Are you alright, ojou-sama?"

"I'm fine," I replied, smiling weakly. "Just a bad dream, that's all."

I took the chance to clean myself up a little while I was waiting. My eyes were moist and I'd sweated furiously. It was a pain, and would take quite some time to repair the damage. Once I'd finished untangling my hair, I sat and waited briefly for Hideko to return with the phone. "Ka-sama?"

"_Good morning, Shizuru. Are you well?"_ As ever, my mother's voice was gentle, melodic and clear. Sadly, I use that same tone myself, so it no longer comforts me as it once did.

"I am fine. I will return to the mansion within the week, but I have a few things to deal with first. I won't be meeting a lot of my friends here ever again, after all."

"_Please don't worry about that. Summer is for relaxation, and I fear there aren't many people of your age back here."_

"Regardless, I will be glad to see you again. Forgive me, how are you?"

"_I am well, Shizuru, please don't concern yourself with me." _I could imagine her smiling, in her tentative way. But her worried voice speaks of her worried eyes. _"Have you been sleeping okay?"_

"Of course," I lied. I expect she knows enough to know the lie.

"_And are you eating well?"_

"Of course," I repeated.

Mother sighed, sounding unconvinced. _"Well, please come back soon. I've been very worried about you recently."_

"As I said, I will be back within the week," I replied, answering the easier part of that statement.

"_Understood. We will have a lot to discuss when you return." _A promise.

"I will look forwards to that," I said, smiling blandly. "Is father well?"

"_The same as ever, he is always well." _Mother paused for a second. _"What do you intend to do today?"_

"I thought I would spend the day with my friends," I replied. "But I will be back at a reasonable time. I will call you in the evening."

"_Enjoy yourself. I hope I'm not pressurising you, Shizuru."_

"It's fine. My only worry is that you are worrying about me, which isn't something you need to do. I am always fine." I shrugged. "Was there anything else?"

"_No. Be good, Shizuru."_

"I always am." I put the phone down, then sighed and closed my eyes.

Things used to be different, but everything has changed. I am used to that. I disappeared for a week on end, without a word, and turned up down one kimono and with the haziest reasons for my actions. Sadly, I wasn't in the best frame of mind when I returned, and even if I had been at my finest there isn't any excuse that can instantly remove that kind of memory. My mother had become hysterical, I'm told. Taken after the campus being commandeered by a PMC before and the fact that world was going to hell, I can't fault her for that. Only my pleading, and my father's command, let me stay here to finish my education at all. I told her that I had fled with my friend, after all the strange events made us think the school was a dangerous place to be. Father said it was a disgrace for a Fujino to leave her post, taking my student council presidency rather seriously. But I can deal with that, and there was nothing to connect me to the destruction of District One. There weren't many witnesses, after all.

Kiyohime was a good, thorough child.

I showered myself thoroughly, washed my face and dressed in casual European-style clothes, and went for breakfast. In here, I embody the traditional. Out there, I embody the popular. I use the clothes to differentiate between my different personalities. The maids can see a little of my pain, if I am careful and cunning. But to the outside world, and to Natsuki, I must be what I have always been. The perfect Shizuru Fujino. I cannot afford to slip up.

I smiled as I arrived in the dining room. "Good morning, everyone."

"Good morning, ojou-sama," the maids replied, bowing. Contained neatly in that is the distance between myself and them, myself and most people.

I ate the traditional breakfast absently, without really tasting the food on my lips. In many ways, mornings are the worst. I can forget, a little, during the day, when I'm playing my usual game and controlling myself completely. When I'm not talking to Natsuki, anyway. In the evening, I can lose myself in an ecstasy of morbid contemplation. But in the morning, my dreams are closest and my thoughts are the darkest of all. I am so very tired, in body and mind and in soul.

Sometimes I think it would be fine to collapse inwards and be carried away by the current. I could go home, cut off all contact with Natsuki, and simply drift through life. Father would find a husband for him, and I could be a good housewife, and force myself to please him. But I doubt I would be allowed to do that, by father. And in any case, that would be another kind of suicide. I will continue to live and struggle, for Natsuki. I wonder whether she wants that, or would she prefer it if I ran away? That would spare her, and make her less guilty than if she simply pushed me away herself. For Natsuki, I would certainly sacrifice my own lingering attachment to her, and for her I offer the pain of remaining as I am.

"Thank you for the food," I said, placing my bowl down. "It was very nice, as usual."

"What will you being doing today, ojou-sama?" Hideko asked politely.

"I will be going out with a friend, hopefully. I will be back for dinner."

"Understood. Please tell us when you are leaving." Hideko bowed again and withdrew.

Long gone are the days when I could stay at school indefinitely and do what I like. But that's fine.

I went into the lounge and made sure no one was around before taking out my cell phone and highlighting one number. I stared at it for a little while, feeling an unusual apprehension. I'm used to feeling security and control in social situations. Being reduced to an awkward, nervous teenager again was not particularly endearing.

'_Hi, Natsuki. Are you doing anything right now?'_

Hardly my style.

'_Natsuki? I thought I'd call, as I thought you might be missing me. Is my little wolf-pup doing anything?'_

Incredibly creepy.

'Good morning, Natsuki. How are the holidays treating you?' 

Not bad, but lacks a certain something.

'_Good morning, Natsuki. I thought I'd call to check up on your studies. If you fail, it'd reflect badly on me, the council president.'_

That's a bit impersonal, even for me.

'Natsuki? Are you well?' 

And that's boring.

I decided that it would better just to get on with it, and say what came naturally. So I pressed the call button and waited.

She picked up on the fifth ring. _"Hello?"_

My heart twitched at her voice. Those stern, striking tones… "Ara? Natsuki, I presume?" I found myself smiling slightly.

"What? Of course it's me. You're calling by mobile, damnit, what do you expect?" 

"I was hoping your secret boyfriend would pick up, and then I'd have you. But it looks like my Natsuki is too clever for that."

"_Jeez,"_ she grumbled. _"Don't say strange things this early in the morning. Well, what is it?"_

I chuckled. "As impatient as ever. I thought I'd help you struggle through some of your remedial workload. And I'm sure I could treat you to something interesting as well."

"_Oh… sorry, Shizuru. I'm out right Mai and people right now."_

That hurt, strangely, but I didn't say as much. "My, you're so irresponsible. Your first day off and you're already slacking? That's no good, Natsuki."

"_It's the first day. It's fine, isn't it? It's not like I'm making a habit of it."_

"The road to hell is paved with words like that," I teased. Though the original proverb is telling of me, if I translated it correctly. I wondered whether she was just making an excuse to be polite.

"_Yes, yes. Man, the holiday's just started. And it's not like you're even the president any more."_

"Well, I still have my pride. Even if it's after my tenure has technically ended, a student of mine repeating a year is just unforgivable. But I hope you enjoy today, regardless. You deserve that much."

"_Thanks. Say, do you want to join us? We're in town, so we could just meet you at the station or something."_

Ah. So this trip does exist, at least. I considered briefly. "Sorry, Natsuki," I said quietly. "I'd like that, but I hadn't planned on going as far as town today. Besides, I'm sure you're all having fun as you are."

"_Are you sure? It would be fine, you know."_

"Another day, perhaps." I found my smile again. "Besides, I always prefer it when I have Natsuki all to myself."

"_Damnit, Shizuru. Enough with the teasing, already."_

"Sorry, sorry. I'm just amusing myself, as usual." I chuckled again. "Well, I won't keep you any longer, Natsuki. But tomorrow I'll be round your place at six in the morning to prod you out of bed with a broom. You need to study."

"Yeah, yeah. I said this to Mai, too, but wasn't saving the world enough?" "It's very commendable, Natsuki, but not something you can raise at job interviews." "Honestly, it's all so much bullshit…" she muttered, in her belligerent way. 

"Well, good day."

"_Sure, later." _She rang off.

I put down the phone, trying to suppress a slight feeling of disappointment. And jealousy, as well. Before, Natsuki had no friends. To put it perfectly bluntly. That was fine with her, of course, anyone as beautiful and charming as my Natsuki would be able to make as many friends as she liked, if she put her mind to it. But it did mean that I could monopolise all of her time not spend chasing up the ghosts of her past. Now she had Mai and her friends, and I was glad. Natsuki should socialise more and gain more experience; it will definitely be good for her. But still, I miss the days when I was special and unique, her only friend. And I'm jealous, definitely. That isn't fair on either of them. I wouldn't mind spending every minute of every day in Natsuki's presence, when I'm in a good mood anyway. If only she didn't look so cautiously at me, I would dream about that again. But I can't expect that of her, now or ever. I am a friend to her, as Mai is. We are equals for her purposes, and that should be fine. Friends are patient. The problem is my twitching sense that after everything, I should be _special_, somehow. It doesn't have to be in that way, though that would be nice. But the world isn't like that, and I should accept what I can get.

On top of that, the one throwing the toy out of the pram, so to speak, is me, considering she invited me as well. But I don't want to deal with the other Hime if it is possible. Whether they look at me with fear or contempt or simply an absent, awkward distance, I don't want that. I don't particularly want to be the Kaichou today, either, or Shizuru-sama. If I think about it, really, Natsuki is the only person who knows the real me. That makes me the one with no friends, for all my pretence to social skills. Is that irony, or just a pathetic fact?

I stared at my phone discontentedly, frowning. And then a name occurred to me. Well, it wasn't ideal, but he _did _know who I was… and we have a lot in common, now more than ever.

I scrolled down to another number and rang it.

He answered on the twelfth ring. _"Reito Kanzaki speaking."_

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything, Reito-san," I said, smiling. "Entertaining a lady friend, perhaps?"

He chuckled. _"Not until a second ago. But I'm afraid my social calendar is a little on the empty side right now. Too bad, isn't it?"_

"Oh, my. Still sulking over Mai-chan? I never thought you'd be a broken-hearted type, Reito-san."

He laughed. _"You make me sound like a very sinister man. I hope that's not your image of me."_

"Well, I do know you're not sensitive. That babyish tone won't work on me, you know."

"_Too bad, it's normally infallible." _I could imagine his smile. _"But I must say, this is very rare. What can I do for you, Shizuru-san?"_

"Oh, nothing much," I replied innocently, leaning back. "I just thought I'd check up on you, that's all. But if you really don't have anything to do, I may have to change that. It wouldn't do to let you brood in your room all day, after all."

"_Oh? I take it Natsuki-chan has a prior engagement, then?"_

"Ara, am I that easy to read?"

"_I'm afraid so. But don't worry, I'm used to being second-choice."_

"Very bitter," I teased.

"_Well, that's the nature of love and war, as they say. There have to be some losers. I think you should be able to sympathize a little, all the same."_

"Only a little. But this is all an aside, isn't it? Shall we meet somewhere in town?"

"_Oh? A date with the great Fujino-sama?"_

"Not a date. I simply need a sturdy man to carry my things, and Tate is always so busy with Mai-chan now. If you'll forgive me."

"_As you said, Shizuru-san, I'm not made of glass. That's fine, and I'll take up your kind offer as well. Shall we say outside the station in forty-five minutes?"_

"Would half an hour be alright? It doesn't do to keep a lady waiting."

"_I know that, as well. Half an hour it is."_

I nodded to myself. "Very well, and thank you for your trouble. I will see you shortly, then."

"_Of course."_

I rung off and closed the phone with a snap. We must be two very bored people, I suppose. But it is better than staying in these four walls, and all their memories.

* * *

I closed my phone with a snap, sighing. "Honestly, that Shizuru. Phoning me up on the first day of the holidays, and just assuming I'd be free… she's such a princess."

"Shiruzu-hime," Mikoto deadpanned, looking up at me curiously. I winced at the reference.

Mai chuckled softly, looking at me. "Oh? Is that so? She does have that kind of air, doesn't she?"

"Totally," I agreed. "I don't know why she won't meet us, either. An aloof princess?"

"Does she not like us or something?" Mai asked worriedly.

"I don't think so," I replied uncertainly. "She said she didn't want to go this far. Perhaps she's afraid it'd darken that pale skin of hers, or something."

"Hmm…"

"Well, if it's Fujino-san, she's just like that," Tate remarked, waving his hand dismissively. "As far as I can tell, she's always kept that kind of careful distance. It's the fangirls, I think."

I frowned. I'm the number one Shizuru expect around here, thank you very much. "And she acts differently around other people, anyway," I said pointedly. "It's not like she knows you guys very well. But just count yourself lucky, I don't need her teasing everyone."

"I can second that," Tate agreed.

"Oh, well," Mai said, shrugging. "I'll leave it at that, I suppose. But if you want, she can definitely talk to us at any time."

"Well, I don't particularly want," I muttered, folding my arms.

"Afraid we'd embarrass you?"

"Afraid that Shizuru would embarrass me, thank you. Sure, she looks very dignified, but actually she's just a lazy girl with a sharp sense of humour. I would hate to destroy your pleasant image of her."

"Sure, sure. I'll leave it at that, as well," Mai said simply, grinning at me in a slightly fox-like way. Really, what's with that clever expression? "In any case, what do we want to do?"

"Food!" Mikoto exploded. "Mikoto wants food!"

I groaned. "Didn't you eat breakfast half an hour ago?"

"Yes," Mikoto said simply. She looked at me expectantly, as if waiting for the punchline.

"It's too early to eat, Mikoto," Mai said patiently. "You'll have to wait until lunch now."

"Aw. Not even a snack?" Mikoto asked, doe-eyed.

"Not even a snack. Now be a good girl and wait patiently."

"Yes," Mikoto pouted, looking at the floor discontentedly.

"I know," Mai said abruptly. "How about clothes shopping?"

"Eh?" I asked.

"It's a good time. I need to get some more things for Mikoto; she always, always manages to get them dirty somehow. And besides, apart from in your special area, you need some new things yourself."

"Hey, hey, is that really okay?" I asked, frowning.

"Well, we can look at a lot of things anyway, and try them on," Mai said, as if reading my mind. "That's the best part."

"And what about me?" Tate asked, smiling. "Do I just have to read a newspaper while you ladies do whatever?"

"You have to carry the bags," Mai returned, smiling back. "That's a man's place."

"Yes, yes, I know," Tate said, sighing theatrically and throwing up his hands. "I'm always the mule around here…"

I frowned at that. It wasn't exactly what was being said, so much as the tone. It would be very rude if they weren't smiling, and it wasn't exactly funny either, but it pleased them. There was something there, something even I could perceive. It wasn't exactly ostentatious, far from it. Mai is very careful in front of Mikoto; she treats that girl like a primary schooler. They don't hold hands or anything so overt. But still, it must be in the glances or the tone or the smiles or something, a thing I can at least notice. Even when they aren't talking, they notice each other, and appreciate each other, on some level. And their exchanges are often brief and unfinished, because half of it is already in their heads. It gave me a slightly isolated feeling, and to judge by Mikoto's frown, the younger girl felt the same.

Honestly, this beggars the question of why we are here at all. Shouldn't Mai and Tate be all cuddly in a café somewhere, just the two of them? Honestly, I pity him for falling for the girl tied up with Mikoto all the damn time. But I'm sure she'll make a good mother someday. Now excuse me while I beat my own brains out with a stick to purge the mental image of the Tate household.

Would Mikoto still live with them? An amusing thought. Like that, they'd never have children after all.

Actually, their little jabs remind me of Shizuru with me, so help me. But friends do that as well, anyway, though I certainly don't know why. Isn't it supposed to be a guy thing? Perhaps I should tell Shizuru she's being manly next time. Or would that just be a set-up for her, and she says that of course she's the man in our relationship, or something like that. I could see that. Honestly, she makes everything into a joke, that's the scary thing. I got very used to that. You can see it even when she's just Shizuru-sama, because she takes everything lightly, it's part of that aura she has. Nothing in heaven or earth could disturb or surprise me. Not only am I too smart for that, but I'm so smart I could make a witty comment about it. Or something. And when I actually got to know her that only got worse. It was a pain, sometimes, but it made me smile in the silence. Shizuru never took anything personally. Shizuru never took anything seriously, either, and I had to protect that naïve innocence. I would shield her from my cold, cruel world.

What bullshit. It was my innocent naivete that came crashing down, when I saw her serious eyes for the first time.

And now she's doing the same thing again, and I can't help but feel that fear, because I can never know what's actually going on in her mind. Sometimes I relax and believe in that reassuring smile, her elegant laughter, her infuriating teasing, and I'm as happy as I was before. But then I remember those absolutes of hers. The absolute intention of her desires and feelings, which are behind everything. It makes me dizzy to think about it; it's like being the lamb lying down with a lion… or a wolf with a giant snake-squid of doom. Hopefully, the squid will be nice. But it's ridiculous that I should feel that way. I can handle myself. Even allowing for what's left of her Hime powers, which isn't much, she isn't exactly a skilled combatant. Well, they say she's good with a katana and a naginata and whatnot, all those ritual weapons that are no damn use any more. Give me a decent gun any day. But the point stands, Shizuru can't really force me to do anything, though I'm not going to sleep at her place any time soon either. There's no need for fear in the light of day. So why do I feel so vulnerable anyway?

And the other is her ability to kill. I used to consider myself a hardened person, and I did well against those soldiers and I even fought Nao. But in the Carnival, Shizuru was… different. I don't know whether that has gone from her now, or whether it's still resting, waiting until she needs it again. But the thought fills me with a disquiet I can't just shake for her sake. Those things, my emotions towards her and my understanding of the real her have really changed, even if she acts in the same way as before. Can we really remain the same friends as before?

Something prodded me in the leg. I looked down to see Mikoto peering up at me. "What?"

"What are you looking at, Natsuki?" Mikoto asked innocently.

"Hah?"

"She means you were totally spacing out on your feet," Mai teased. "Did you really get enough sleep, Natsuki?"

"Of course, I'm fine," I retorted, folding my arms irritably to cover my embarrassment. It wasn't usual for me to lapse so badly in the middle of the day. "I don't tire very easily, you know. I have a soldier's metabolism, one that operates on very little sleep."

Mai smiled. "Oh, really? Well, it's just as well there are no bullets flying, because that isn't a soldier's concentration."

"Actually, I was concentrating on ground echoes with my feet," I said, closing my eyes. "It's a tracking method."

Mai giggled. "I'm sure."

"That was a joke," I said, opening my eyes and looking annoyed.

"I know. But are you sure you wouldn't rather go and see Fujino-san?" Mai asked. "We wouldn't be offended. She's your special friend, isn't she?"

Important person. The Carnival was hell on earth, but on the plus side it did give us a subtly augmented understanding of our own feelings. That was _totally _worth dying for. "Of course not," I snapped. "Don't say weird things like that all of a sudden. I'm going to spend today with you lot, and in any case the princess needs to learn that I'm not waiting on her all the time."

"Of course. Just in case, that's all. I'd hate to think I was keeping you from something important."

"The princess insulting my academic ability in her languid way is _not _something important. Let's make that clear." I frowned as my mind finally moved out of defense mode and into conscious thought, then abruptly I smiled. "Or are you the one trying to get me out of the way?"

"Not at all," Mai said, waving her hands. "That totally wasn't it, I hope I wasn't giving that impression. I want to spend time with you, Natsuki."

"Oh? Is that so?" I asked, grinning playfully. It was nice to be able to turn the tables for a while. "Come on, Mikoto. We know when we're not wanted, right? Let's go and get some more ice cream."

"Natsuki will give me ice cream?" Mikoto asked happily. Her loyalty is easy to buy. I should have bribed her with food back in the Carnival, if only I could cook.

"Sure, why not?" I said, slightly recklessly.

"You two, ruining anything!" Mai complained. "Mikoto, you're not allowed to go anywhere. If you go with Natsuki, you'll be eating dinner with her tonight."

Mikoto blinked then forcibly attached herself to Mai's arm. She stared over at me with big eyes. "Sorry, but Mai's cooking is important."

"The secret of the demonic sword-Hime, powered by Mai's cooking," I deadpanned. It's okay to make Hime jokes about Mikoto, she doesn't mind at all. And after all, you have to laugh. It beats crying, though denial is better than both.

"Okay, that's enough," Mai said. "Mikoto, be good. Natsuki, stop acting like Fujino-san."

"What?" I asked, immediately flustered. "I'm not acting anything like her, damnit! Don't compare the two of us from one joke. You don't know true suffering until everything you've said for the last half hour has been twisted into a joke."

"I'm sure. But that was a very Fujino-like joke, from what I've heard of her from you." Mai glanced at me. "Have you been learning things from her, Natsuki?"

"Not at all," I said with feeling. "Like I said, don't compare me and her."

Tate just smiled, in a slightly wan way. I'm sure he'd prefer it if I really had left them both again.

Perhaps Shizuru would have the same feelings, if she were here. I still don't know whether I'm flattered or scared by that thought.


	3. Chapter 3

**Windows of the Soul: Part 3**

Yes, three parts in, the main characters actually meet face to face. This is slower than Mai's decision-making. I also played around with Mikoto and Reito, a curious point with me. Her brother complex tends to get lost amidst the Maikoto, but it's interesting, if only for their differences.

* * *

I stood under the eve of the station, waiting patiently and with a serene expression on my face. If I look happy enough, that should be able to hide the strain, at least to the casual eye. 

"Oh, Fujino-sama!" Some of my little friends said abruptly, running up to me.

"Good day, everyone," I said pleasantly, smiling down at them.

"What are you doing here, Fujino-sama?" Isae asked.

"I'm waiting for a friend," I replied. "And you girls?"

"Oh, we're just having a fun day out," Isae said. She was the boldest of this bunch. "But it's surprising, to see you in casual clothes."

"Ara, is that so?" I put a hand on my face theatrically. "Am I seen as that stiff and formal?"

"No, not at all!" Isae said with endearing nervousness. "It's just that we always see you in your school uniform, or else a kimono…"

"Well, sometimes I wear clothes like this as well," I replied easily. "But you girls are looking very beautiful. Especially you, Kureha-san."

One of the more nervous girls at the back flushed furiously. "T-hanks, Fujino-sama…" She looked down when I made eye contact.

"Oh, I'm so envious," Isae said. "Being complimented by Fujino-sama! And she's always going on about how ugly she is, too."

"Ara, is that so… I can't see why." I have my wonderings, about Kureha-san. It's just an impression. But however I look at it, doing anything with any of these girls would be meaningless. I have recovered sufficient moral ground that I refuse to use anyone else.

"Am I late?"

Isae's head snapped around. "Kanzaki-sama!"

"Not at all, Reito," I said, smiling. "But you are later than me. Your promises aren't to be trusted, after all."

"So cruel," he remarked, looking down faux-bashfully. "But am I interrupting anything!"

"Not at all," Isae said hastily, bowing. "Well then, please excuse us." She fled with the rest of her friends, grinning from ear to ear.

"The innocence of youth," Reito said, smirking after them.

"Ara, ara. I think you've put fuel to the fire of an already troubling rumour, Reito-san."

"That's certainly true, though you did little to help, Shizuru," Reito remarked. He chuckled. "Actually, I considered waiting or acting as a passer-by, but I'm not sure what is more troublesome for you. Do you want to encourage or discourage this rumour?"

"Well, I suppose I'll let it be. It's interesting, isn't it?"

"It's certainly interesting. I doubt Natsuki-chan will be much pleased, through. I don't think she likes me very much." Reito shrugged easily. "And in any case, Shizuru-san, isn't this a date-like scenario?"

I grinned. "Ara. Please have no expectations."

"I thought as much, and had none to begin with. But that it is how it will appear to others, all the same."

"There's no harm in it, and I'll be gone soon anyway." I shrugged. "Well, shall we go?"

"Certainly. A simple walk, perhaps?"

"That would be fine. I have low expectations of you, as well."

"Ah, so cruel… that hasn't changed. Rather, haven't you become more sharp-tongued, Shizuru-san?"

"Well, that was no insult," I replied deftly. "Only a hopeless idiot would spend much money and effort on this exercise, after all. I'm no expert, but I'm given to understand that the males of the species are willing to put up with such effort on the expectation of return."

"And women put up with such return on the expectation of that effort. Rather neat, isn't it?"

"Well, this has to have been the first thing our ancestors organised well. It stands to reason."

Reito is perhaps the only one who can keep up with my wordplay, and we like to play a game like that. In this way, there's no conversation, and no communication. It's simply speaking for the sake of speaking, a kind of verbal tennis that is a satisfying exercise in wit without requiring any depth at all. It's fairly natural that we are masters of that fencing conversation, and completely useless at anything meaningful.

"I presume Natsuki-chan is around here, as well," Reito said abruptly, walking alongside me. "Is this really alright?"

"She doesn't want to spend every hour of every day with me, that's natural enough," I returned with a graceful smile. "And so it's natural that I should spend time with my own friends. Or acquaintances, in your case."

"Then I'm flattered you chose this acquaintance over your friends," Reito replied. "Is it really okay to be ignoring them as well?"

"Well, I think they will manage. I'm more concerned for your poor girls, actually. They must feel very envious."

"As ever, I resent this villainous image you have of me," Reito replied, drawing a hand through his hair. "Could it be that your little sister fell for me, or something like that? It's the only explanation I can come up with to explain that."

"I'm afraid I don't have a little sister, but if I did, I'm sure that would be the case," I replied generously. "You have a talent for fascinating girls much younger than yourself, after all."

"And that charge can be returned neatly to you, Shizuru-san," Reito retorted with a smile. "It's something we share, after all."

"Ara. I wouldn't expect you to understand the beauty of platonic female association, Reito-san."

"If you mean 'platonic' in the original sense, of sexually controlled pedastry, then I'm sure you are absolutely right."

I closed my eyes, smiling. "Very good. But that was a male sense, after all."

"And I'm taken to believe that females are sexless and emotionless?" Reito asked playfully. "That isn't my experience, Shizuru-san."

"Female interaction in all its forms isn't you experience, Reito-san," I said, looking amused. "It's a finer thing than clumsy male blundering."

"Well, the outcome has been the same for both of us in the end," he observed, turning away. "We're both here, aren't we?" He laughed.

I nodded. "Certainly, we're both here. But at least I'm being graceful about it, right? That's my female talent."

"Well, I'll defer to your ability to hide your true feelings," Reito said. "But in any case, I've more or less given up on all that for now."

"Ara? Has Mai-chan stolen all your confidence away?" I teased.

"Hardly." Reito shrugged seriously. "But as I am now, I can't have any meaningful relationship with a girl. Whether it's just for fun or anything else. Despite that view of yours, if that's the case, I won't do anything at all."

"Well, I can understand that feeling," I said, facing forwards again.

"I thought as much."

We were in silence, for a while, and I spent that silence thinking. I certainly hadn't expected any admission of weakness from a man like Reito. He really is similar to me, insofar as his arrogance is fantastic and he wears a mask to hide any weakness, including his true feelings. And I'd also think that he'd be most proud and most stern around me, quite because I am so similar to him. We can see each other, so we must try and hide ourselves most strongly around each other. But if he's decided that fellow feeling is worth more to him than his pride to me, then that changes things. I glanced thoughtfully at him. I certainly wasn't in any position to consul anyone about anything, and that hadn't been my intent when calling him either. I had simply intended to waste time, in a pleasant way. But on the other hand, there would be things he needed to say… and I am not so different. Would that really be alright?

"Please rest easily, I don't intend to collapse weeping into your arms," Reito said, glancing at me. "I haven't decayed as much as all that."

"Well, I'm the one decaying if you can read me that easily," I admitted, grinning in a catlike way. "I suppose that's fine, though. We do have something in common, do we not?" Cautiously, testing the water. I want to understand possibilities, without making a commitment. The burden of silent words weighed against the shame of speaking them aloud.

"That's true enough," he agreed. "But it's funny. In stories, a fantastic experience would be a wonderful, shared thing."

"Well, even when the real world is being stupid, it won't be that convenient," I remarked. "I had that feeling from the start, you know. That's why I took so long to move. Only an idiot chess player would try to win a tournament without know all the rules."

"Well, only an idiot chess player would play to lose, as well," Reito retorted.

I chuckled, though the words hurt, and closed my eyes. "I suppose so."

"Shall we sit down somewhere?" Reito suggested, looking round. "It would be bad form to keep a lady on her feet all day."

"Ha. It's bad form to underestimate this lady, you know," I replied. "But if you're so tired on your feet, I suppose I can make an exception."

"You're in a bad mood today," Reito observed.

"Ara, is that so?" I asked, blinking pleasantly. I didn't think I was slipping up…

"Well, that's just my impression. I hope I haven't said anything unwelcome."

"Likewise. But I'm sure those unwelcome feelings are good for us." I looked around. "How about there?" I asked, pointing at a diner.

Reito sighed. "A bad idea. Mai-chan works there."

"Afraid to meet her? Or afraid to let her know that you're in this suspicious position with me?"

"I'm sure you're aware of the phrase 'all's fair in love and war'," Reito said, looking at me. "That has a truth to it. And in love, like war, you should surrender gracefully when you lose. I believe in that maxim, myself."

"I see." I blinked, slightly surprised that he'd make such a bold statement. Admitting defeat… was not what I'd expect of him. At least, not in that way.

Perhaps he has changed, after all.

We ended up sitting down at a café a street away. I declined the offer of food and sipped my lemonade slowly. There shouldn't even be a need for lunch, hopefully.

"How is Natsuki-chan?" Reito asked.

"Very well, and in her usual spirits," I replied. "She objects in very strong terms to the extra work she has to do to be able to graduate her year."

"I can imagine. Has she asked for your help?"

"Nope, but I've offered it. It seems like a good chance to me."

Reito just looked at me expectantly.

"I can simply help her, and she should accept that," I said reasonably. "That's fine, is it not?"

"Well, if it is you, I am certain she will learn. But still, I'm a little surprised she isn't here with you today. That girl, before, was certainly what you would call a loner…"

"She's with Mai-chan and her friends," I replied. "But I'm very glad of that, actually. As you say, Natsuki always was so very lonely… I'm glad she has some normal friends now, it's an important development for her."

"She's come a long way. Well, I would say I was surprised… Mai-chan means I'm not, though. She is an extremely kind girl, and they certainly have things in common as well."

There was a certain gentleness in his tone when he said that. I mentally decided to go a little easier on the Casanova jibes. "That's true. It's a good sight." I smiled wistfully. "Mai-chan really has been very good for her."

"And you have not, even though had so much longer, is what you're thinking now," Reito said, eyes sharp. "But that's a nonsense. You and Mai are alike in that you both helped a girl who certainly needed help."

I flushed slightly, withdrawing myself inwards. "Ara, that's an unexpected point. But you did the same thing with Mai-chan… and we're both here, all the same."

"Mai never needed me, exactly," he replied. "I just tried to force myself on her-"

"And you'd be worse for her than Tate? I doubt that." I folded my arms. "If you think that, it's your nonsense."

"Well, I doubt we will get anywhere speaking like this," Reito remarked, drinking his coke.

"That's true," I agreed, relaxing slightly. "What we can both agree on is that circumstances have changed, no?"

"True. And you've already heard of my view about these things." Reito glanced at me thoughtfully. "How about you, Shizuru-san? Do you believe in surrender?"

I returned his gaze. "I will do what is best for Natsuki. That is the only thing to do."

"And I take it you've asked her what that is?" Reito remarked.

"Being so forwards, in itself, would not be what is best for Natsuki."

"Oh?" He raised his eyebrows. "But if it's you deciding that, is it really Natsuki whose best interests you are serving?"

"It's my judgement to use. In any case, I don't intend to stay on this point. It has little enough to do with you." I closed my eyes.

He shrugged. "If you like. But let's return to my original question, instead. If I'd asked 'how are things with you two?' instead, what would you say?"

"Things are as you would expect," I said curtly. "She is forgiving but human. And I will smile for her, for as long as she wants me to be around."

"That's the other aspect, of course," Reito remarked. "Where does what is best for you come in?"

"It doesn't. I have forfeited all my rights to those thoughts a thousand times over." I stared at him with dead eyes. "You would understand."

"That's a dangerously simple statement to make in a very complicated world," Reito said lightly, looking away.

"And you?" I asked, closing my eyes again. "What do you intend to do now?"

"My life here is finished, without much left. I will move on and begin again, this coming year will be a great chance for that. In that respect, my affairs are simple. I don't envy you, who still possesses a tie that has not been cut, even after that storm." He frowned. "For you, things are more complicated, no?"

"Please don't bring everything back to me. It makes me feel uncomfortable." I shrugged. "But one tie remains for you, too. How is your sister?"

"Mikoto?" Reito shrugged. "She is herself, inviolate, and Mai takes good care of her. I have no fears for Mikoto."

"Aren't you her brother, all the same?" I leaned forwards, resting my chin on my right hand. "It's interesting, that, but two of the most demonically strong Hime, those with the greatest killing intent and terrifying visages, acted out of some very twisted form of love."

"Oh? Are you being immodest?"

"I am condemning myself in the strongest terms possible. At that time, I was a monster." I snorted. "I have no illusions about that, and take no pride in it. But you shouldn't underestimate your sister's feelings, which turned her into that. They aren't weaker than my own."

"This time around, I will look after her," Reito said calmly. "Is that sufficient assurance?"

I nodded, closing my eyes. "That is acceptable."

* * *

"… and then ani knocked him out. He was so fast! Bang, bang!" Mikoto waved her hands excitedly. "Ani was always amazing. Sofu-sama always said it was too bad he wasn't born a girl, too."

"Really?" Mai said, smiling uneasily.

"Yep, yep. Of course, I didn't get what he meant back then." Mikoto closed her eyes, grinning. "I was very sad when ani had to go away."

"Well, familial abandonment appears to have been a selection criteria," I remarked sarkily, sticking my hands in my pockets. It's alright if I say that, as it's me saying that.

"And what about your other siblings?" Mai asked hurriedly. "Were there any?"

"Nope. Just me and ani."

"And your parents? What do you remember about them?"

"Hmm," Mikoto remarked, frowning thoughtfully. "Not much. Father was strong and mother was kind. But I stopped seeing them, after a while."

"That's too bad…"

"I wonder whether ani killed them," she mused. "Sofu-sama would approve of that."

An extremely awkward silence fell at that, to say the least.

I forget, sometimes, just how utterly… different, Mikoto is. She can cry and she can regret, so she is human. But her values are different, completely different, and every so often that comes out. I guess the best way of putting it is that half of Mikoto is Mikoto, but the other half is a made thing. A weapon, born for a purpose and raised to fight a battle. A more introspective person would wonder what comes next, but she's not introspective. It's just as well. Of all the Hime, I would say that Mikoto's the most untroubled by the past. Is that mindset of hers naïve and feeble, or so advanced compared to the normal as to be an extremely enlightened one? I don't know, but I do know it creeps me the hell out.

"Hey, Mai, can we go get food now?" Mikoto asked brightly.

"Oh, why not," Mai said hurriedly. "Alright, we can stop off at my workplace. We can get a discount there."

"Snacks, snacks." Mikoto smiled happily. "I want snacks, not snakes, snakes are unkind, so I'll eat cake, not cats…"

I groaned subtly. I swear that girl is getting worse and worse by the day.

"Do you know what, though?" Tate said. "Takeda-senpai was trying to talk me into going to a training camp for kendo over the summer. I mean, I quit the club, what exactly does he expect?"

"Annoying people like that should be kept on a leash," I remarked coldly. "Then they wouldn't trouble people."

"You can really bear a grudge," Mai remarked, looking at me. "Very scary…"

"I've had a lot of practise," I replied absently. And that's true enough.

"In any case, he really is crazy. I'm not going to sacrifice my whole summer for a sport I don't much like anyway." Tate shook his head. "He's so optimistic."

"What are you bitching about? At least you could turn him down, but I'm stuck."

"Hmm?" Mai asked, raising her eyebrows.

"About the extra lessons, damnit," I said sharply. "It's a pain in the ass."

Mai laughed as we turned the corner. "You're still going on about that?"

"Hey, it is a pain in the ass," I remarked. "What am I supposed to say?"

"Nothing, for preference. But I suppose it must be frustrating for you, after all…"

"Hey," Tate remarked quietly, pointing. "Isn't that…"

"Ani!" Mikoto exploded. She ran towards an extremely shocked-looking Kanzaki, but I only saw that in a peripheral way. My attention was focused on Shizuru, and for a fraction of a second, there was a kind of guilty surprise on that face before it slipped into a comfortable smile again. Or perhaps not, but that's what I'd like to think.

If I was a thinking person, I'd have wondered how I felt at that point. And the answer is something complex, I suppose. Well, I was surprised, first of all, because Shizuru was supposed to be a long way away. And annoyed, perhaps to the point where the word betrayal could get bandied around in my head. She'd said specifically she wasn't going into town today, so what the hell was she doing here? And then the other question was why _him_? That really annoyed me, but not for myself. What was wrong with Mai and Tate and Mikoto? Well, asides from the obvious, but she was being so damned aloof again. And Kanzaki, well, I don't trust him at all. Never did, really, he was always very slimy. I knew all the rumours and even asked her about it before, but she just laughed that off. Considering what I _do _know about her now… but that isn't the important thing anyway. I didn't like that it was with him. But if I'm fair, there wasn't anything important about that. She shouldn't twist the truth, damnit. Wasn't she supposed to be up at her little castle or whatever? Instead she's all happy here, cute with Kanzaki. Isn't that just her way, always so convenient? I mean, it's fine if she has other friends, but she shouldn't just skip out on me because she prefers Kanzaki to Mai, or whatever. That's just using me, or something.

Besides, shouldn't it be the other way round? That was an uneasy thought, though. Was Shizuru attracted to other girls than me? Isn't that just a naïve question? But I didn't really think about that very often.

In any case, I'm not a thinking person. So I stormed towards her, fists balling. "Shizuru!"

"Ara, Natsuki," Shizuru remarked calmly, putting her drink down. "This is an unexpected surprise."

"What do you mean, unexpected?" I demanded hotly, heading straight for her. A few people were staring, but I didn't have any interest in that. "Don't give me that! I told you I'd be here, damnit!"

"Certainly, but I didn't expect we'd meet, all the same," Shizuru replied. "It's a fairly large town."

"So you were hiding from me? You definitely said you weren't coming to town at all today, so why the hell are you even here?"

"That's my fault," Kanzaki said, raising a hand. "I called Fujino-san up a little while ago, hoping to see her, and rather imposed myself on her. But she wasn't busy, so she said, and I hadn't thought it would be a problem." He smiled. "I'm sorry if I have caused you any inconvenience."

"Oh? Is that so?" I said sharply. Like I said, slimy bastard. I don't trust him at all.

"In any case, good day, everyone," Shizuru said calmly, looking at them all. "Thank you for taking good care of Natsuki."

"Hey, I'm not a child," I snapped. "And this conversation isn't over, Shizuru! You totally just skipped out on us, didn't you?"

"I will admit, my plans changed a little," Shizuru said. She laced her fingers together, looking at me with those eerie eyes of hers. "But it's fine, isn't it? I can see friends like Kanzaki-san as well."

For a moment, I couldn't find words. Her cool tone, that composed face, and those damn eyes… it was like a punch in the gut. Before, I could stare them down and see the sadness, but I had Duran then. But she doesn't have Kiyohime now, so why does this feeling stay? This sense of crawling terror without anything to do with fact?

"Hey, Mai, Mai!" Mikoto remarked, dragging up a chair. "Sit here!"

"Yes?" Mai asked, blinking.

That broke the spell. "Good idea," I muttered, taking a chair from the table next to me and sitting next to Shizuru. And between her and Kanzaki, of course. "May I?"

Shizuru blinked in something approaching surprise. "Ara. I'm flattered."

To spite her, probably.

"Mai, sit here!" Mikoto insisted, pointing. Mai moved to comply and Mikoto grabbed another chair, placing it firmly between her and Reito. "Now I have ani here and Mai here!" she said delightedly.

Heaven will be very easy to organise for Mikoto, presuming her innocence cheats whatever God there is. But it'd probably involve dragging Kanzaki out of hell. Am I uncharitable? Perhaps, but I've never pretended to be Mai.

Tate sat on the other side of Mai, folding his arms. And so we completed our very awkward tea party.

I glanced sideways, and found Shizuru staring at me. In that way of hers, with eyes that just watch and think… that gave me another uneasy feeling. I think that was also a reason why I sat here. To prove that I still could.

"Well, this is certainly unexpected," Reito said, spreading his hands. "A fated meeting, perhaps?"

I looked back at Shizuru, feeling slightly awkward, then said the first thing that came to my head. "What, no tea?"

She smiled and looked away, breaking the spell. "I'm afraid I'm being typecast. Yes, I can and do drink other things, Natsuki. Please don't be too surprised."

"Well, even if you say that, I've never seen you drink anything but tea," I said. "Don't blame me."

"Well, I do have a reputation to consider," Shizuru said playfully, smiling at me.

"So you say…" I mumbled.

Mikoto was saying something enthusiastically, though I wasn't sure what. And I think Tate was looking awkward, while Kanzaki was the same as ever, but there was a tension underneath… I think.

It's frightening how completely I lose my awareness of the world around her, now. I must always focus on her words and her face and her eyes.

"But that's a very cute shirt, Natsuki," Shizuru said pleasantly. "You look good in casual as well. Or should I say, as expected of our school's great beauty?"

"Shizuru, don't say weird things…"

She closed her eyes. "It's just a compliment. I'm sure Mai-chan would say something similar."

I frowned, wondering whether she did. I didn't think so, but if it was Mai, would it be weird? Had I offended Shizuru, then? "Well… never mind. And you look nice, as well."

"Natsuki is too kind."

I actually focused on what she was wearing for the first time. "But it's really rare, seeing you in normal clothes…"

Shizuru smiled. "Ara? Do I normally dress in weird clothes?"

"Well, they aren't weird for you… these are weird for you…" I frowned. "It's just unusual, that's all."

"Well, I felt like having a normal day, today," Shizuru remarked, shrugging. "Or something approximating that."

"Then you must have weird days the rest of the time," I managed. "But you're very striking, like that."

"In a good way?" she asked. She regarded me out of the corner of her eyes this time.

"Not really," I said.

She has such a slender and striking figure. It's a something, a presence. God, I sound like a raging fangirl. Was I bitten by one of them while I slept? That would explain the nervous feeling, anyway.

Shizuru's head shifted again, her chin resting on her hands as she obliquely faced me. Her hair, as ever, fell straight and cleanly from her shoulders, leaving her inexpressive face open. Rather like open curtains on a translucent window, I guess. "Have you done anything interesting today?" She smiled.

That interested tone was so familiar. I wonder whether it's even a little genuine. "Not really," I replied sourly, looking away. "We tried some clothes on, but that was just Mai playing dress-up with me and Makoto."

"Ara. What a cute pastime." Shizuru opened her mouth again, then fell silent. "I can't imagine that suited you, though."

"No, it didn't," I agreed, glancing at her.

She frowned slightly, glancing at me, then nodded. "I see."

"How about you?" I asked. "Did you do anything interesting with that bastard?"

"Hmm? Not really. We had an interesting conversation, though. He asked after you."

"Charming," I said dryly. We could talk about him in that way, though. This table has managed to separate the six of us very neatly, in a strange way. Well, let Reito and Tate do whatever they are doing.

"In any case, it's too bad that your holiday been taken over like this," Shizuru remarked, smiling at me. "You did sound a little irked about that."

I huffed, flicking my hair over my shoulder. "Well, it is stupid. I'm not going to pretend to be pleased by something like that."

"Well, work hard, Natsuki," she said. "I do think it would be a good idea if I helped you, too."

"It's fine," I replied. "You don't need to trouble yourself, as it's my problem."

"Ara. Natsuki is so considerate… but it would be my pleasure, all the same."

"That's what I'm afraid of," I noted, folding my arms.

"Is that so?" Shizuru asked, closing her eyes briefly.

Damnit. Since when did she take me seriously? "But it's not like I'm going to be able to stop you, whatever I say," I said, turning my head. "I'm resigned to it."

"And to the studying itself," Shizuru noted. "It would seem that you're losing your fighting spirit, Natsuki."

"I am not," I protested, even though I had no idea what she actually meant. "I'm just realistic, that's all."

"Well, that's fine," Shizuru stated. She took a sip of her lemonade.

"How about you?" I asked. "Have you got anything big to worry about over the summer? Brokering stocks for the school or something?"

"Ara. I hope you don't think I got such interesting jobs as Kaichou," Shizuru remarked, smiling.

"Of course not. You got those jobs anyway, because you're you." Somehow, I only smiled a little, but it was only half a joke anyway. Shizuru is truly that kind of person.

She laughed anyway. "How flattering… but I'm not really doing anything of particular note over the summer, no. I hope you aren't wasting your break as I am, and have something interesting planned."

"Apart from the studying?" I shook my head. "Well, I don't do big, flashy things at these kind of times. And it's not like I have family to visit."

Shizuru closed her eyes. "That's true enough. Well, you should definitely have fun with Mai-chan and everyone. It's a rare chance to be with your friends, isn't it?"

"Like I said, don't over-dramatise stuff like this," I said. "For me, a little goes a long way before I need some me time."

Yes, this was better. It felt like I could talk more normally now.

"You're as shy as ever," Shizuru said playfully. "But I suppose that's fine too."

"I'm not shy, and I don't ask your permission," I sniffed.

"Of course. But still, don't you have years and years of friendship to catch up on, all told?"

I frowned. "I'm pretty sure you used all that up, before." You were the first, Shizuru. Whatever else, that won't change.

"Is that so? I don't know whether I count." Shizuru took a sip from her drink again, then put it down. "On another note, I'm afraid I'm only going to be able to help you a little."

"Oh? Why the change of heart?"

"I will be going back to my parents next Saturday." Shizuru gave me a detached look. "My mother intends to keep me there until I start at Kyoto University next term."


	4. Chapter 4

**Windows of the Soul: Part 4**

Thanks for the reviews, all. Now to see what Natsuki can do under a time limit, considering Shizuru is useless right now. Yeah, I love handicapping myself...

* * *

"But maths is deceptively simple. Once you've learned the rules you missed, I can't imagine it will be a problem for you. If I were you, I'd worry more about your English. I've seen your grades in that subject, after all." 

"Do you think?" I asked.

Why?

"Yes. There's a lot more to learn, and not much in the way of clear rules, after all. But you're talking to the school's number one English student. I'll take care of it."

"Your modesty knows no bounds," I quipped absently.

"Of course. I'm only realistic, though." She smiled. "I'll admit, I have a bit of an unfair advantage."

I just nodded. "I'll leave it to you…"

Why is she smiling?

"My. I can't do everything, you know. I feel rather taken for granted."

"Would you have it any other way?" I said tiredly. It had been a long way, but I still felt the weight of those words pressing down on me. On top of everything else, it was too much.

Do you understand?

"Well, I suppose not. If it's Natsuki, I will always forgive her for that."

Why are you sounding so happy all of a sudden? I wondered spitefully. Weren't you so gloomy and cold earlier? Are you enjoying this? Is it a relief?

Shizuru sighed slightly when I didn't reply. "Are you alright, Natsuki?"

"I'm fine," I replied, folding my arms.

"Ara, you look exhausted. Perhaps I've been tiring you out?"

Don't say that in your playful voice.

"I told you, I don't have the stamina for occasions like this," I replied. "There's no interest in it. Just bunches of people messing around. After a while, I get sick of it."

"Well, I hope I haven't been boring you," Shizuru said, sounding sincere. "But you'll have to forgive me. It's been too long since I could do something interesting like this with you."

"Is that so?" I replied absently.

"It is so," Shizuru said reproachfully. "But never mind. Shall I call for a car?"

"No thanks. I don't like being treated like a princess." I shook my hair out proudly. "It's too bad I don't have my bike here. That's fine."

"Motorbikes are quite unsafe, you know," Shizuru chided. "But I've told you that before."

"And too much tea causes cancer, or something," I replied. "Besides, after everything, I deserve a little danger."

"I suppose so," Shizuru said quietly.

"We can walk, then," I finished, closing my eyes briefly. Shizuru nodded uncertainly as I began to walk away. "Hurry up," I said, looking over my shoulder. "Idiot."

"Ara. Natsuki is so cruel," Shizuru remarked, walking to catch up with me.

Do you get it, Shizuru? Do you remember? You're supposed to understand the things that I can never say aloud.

"It won't kill you, princess," I said sharply. "Mere mortals have to walk places."

Isn't that what you've always done? It is, isn't it? I used to think that an amazing talent.

"Says the girl who uses her bike so much. Well, it's fine. It's one of your charm points."

"Yeah, whatever that is…"

"Do you know what happened to Kanzaki-san?" Shizuru asked suddenly.

"Who knows?" Or cares.

"Well, I rather feel that I didn't dance with the girl I came with," Shizuru remarked, smiling at me. "It's making me a little guilty."

I glanced at her, frowning. "Well, no one should blame you for dancing with the most beautiful girl in the room," I said, trying to capture some haughtiness in my voice. I turned away. "That's just natural."

When I looked back, she was regarding me with those watchful eyes again, and then she giggled, holding a hand against her lips. "That's true," she said, smiling. "I'm sure Kanzaki-san will forgive me for that."

"Well, what's he gonna do anyway? He was trying to baby-sit Mikoto all day. You won't have a good time around someone dealing with that, I can assure you." I stuck my hands in my pockets, wondering why I'd said so much, and why I'd needed that confirmation.

"Ara. Isn't Mikoto-chan cute, though?"

"Only for five minutes. Then you just get her a tub of ice cream and hope she stops talking," I said dryly. I really was tired and even shorter on charitable thoughts than I normally was. I guess it had been a long day, after all.

"Well, I suppose looking after her is a different proposition." Shizuru smiled sheepishly. "In any case, it looks like I managed to keep you from your friends after all, more or less. I'm sorry about that, Natsuki."

"Idiot," I said quietly. "It's a bit late to apologise about that, isn't it?"

Shizuru chuckled. "Yes, I suppose it is. Well, hopefully you can forgive me for that, as well. It looks like a lot of people will have to forgive me for today."

"As ever, you like to over-dramatise things," I said. "Friends do what friends do. Mai won't apologise for disappearing somewhere with Tate, either. That's just natural."

"I'm sure she had a lot of fun. It looks like it's Reito we should feel sorry for, after all, but she is his sister." Shizuru smiled elegantly. "But it's a pleasant surprise, to be lectured on friendship by Natsuki. You really have grown."

I sighed. "Idiot."

"Would you rather I said you were still immature?" Shizuru teased.

"Maturity's a pain in the ass," I said abruptly. "It's feel of complexities and decisions and crap I can't be bothered to face. Sometimes I miss being a brat, my revenge complex made everything a lot easier."

"Everyone feels the same way, Natsuki. But if you've noticed, then you really have grown up."

"Well, don't make any mistakes. I've never had a simple, easy life for a long time." I glanced at her. "How about you? Aren't you someone who deals with it all dreadfully well?"

"Not really." Shizuru closed her eyes. "I'm not used to a simple life, but I take the path of least resistance anyway."

"Shizuru?"

"It isn't important, though." Shizuru smiled. "Natsuki is Natsuki. If you just be yourself, it'll be fine. That's natural."

I flushed slightly, turning away. "As if I could believe anything could be that simple." And besides…

"I suppose so," Shizuru admitted, shrugging. "It sounds nice, though. That's about all most advice can aspire to."

"Right?" If she said that before, she'd sound happier about it. But it's hard to fear her right now, either. She's so contained, so doll-like, even if she's as tall as any girl is. Instead of her presence exploding from her focused gaze and cold serenity, there's something else, a more wistful and much reduced aura. If I ever told her that, she'd laugh, but I can't believe that this girl has power. Is that a real impression, and this a real face of her? I've no idea. But without happiness or fear it doesn't leave me with strong emotions, just this lingering sadness. If I really look with my eyes, she is the tired one, not me.

Shizuru smiled wanly at me. "Natsuki has very… thoughtful thoughts, if I look at you right now." She looked away again.

"Please don't hype my thought process," I said. "It isn't anything amazing."

"Thoughts are just things that drift like cherry blossoms," Shizuru remarked. "But someone can find them pretty, right?"

"Right now, I'm thinking you're sounding pretty weird."

Shizuru chuckled. "Of course. That's why we keep our thoughts to ourselves."

We walked in silence for a bit, neither of us quite sure what to say. I tried watching her out of the corner of my eye, and that seemed safe, because she was lost in her cherry blossoms. I mean, thoughts. I wondered whether she was regretting it, too. A week, indeed. That's nonsense. I can't accept something like that, Shizuru. But she just looked into the distance, lips scrunched up slightly. She's always a portrait in motion. I looked away again before she noticed. She used to do this before, but not nearly as much. It happened more often, when the Carnival began. When I finally noticed, I wondered, and I still wonder, what it is she sees with those far-away eyes. But I've never asked her.

Are those pretty thoughts? Perhaps this wondering feeling is what she meant. Certainty, there's so much I wish I knew, so much I can't ask. I'll settle for watching.

"Hey, Shizuru?" I said absently. Well, perhaps one question would be fine.

"Yes?" she asked, glancing at me with that gentle smile.

"Why didn't you want to see us this morning?" I didn't look at her. I wasn't even sure whether asking was a good idea.

"Why, you ask…" Shizuru said quietly. She said nothing for a few questions, until I thought she simply wasn't going to answer. "I'm not exactly sure myself. But, how to say it… Judas might stand being in Jesus' presence and receive forgiveness, but asking him to talk to Peter again is altogether too cruel."

"Huh?" I asked, blinking.

"Just memories of a happy carnival."

I tried to make something of that, then decided to leave it be. "You upset Mai, you know. It's not good if she thinks she's offended you, or something. She always takes everything so personally."

"I'm sorry," Shizuru replied. "I won't let you down next time."

I looked at her and sighed. "Well, if it's your feelings, you know best. I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to do, you know."

"Natsuki is so gentle…" she said, half to herself. And I suppose I saw what she saw.

"It's fine," I said abruptly, turning away. "You wouldn't be yourself if you didn't come and go as you please, without permission. That's just who you are."

"That isn't really a compliment, you know," Shizuru said wanly.

"Who said anything about compliments?" I said sharply. "Your ego doesn't need any help, now does it?"

"That's true of you, as well, but I'm always complimenting you," Shizuru said. "Ara, I'm so irresponsible. But I just can't resist it, when I'm in your presence."

"You can keep it," I said sharply. It's always this way. She always smiles that enamel smile, all grace, as if nothing can touch her. I used to believe that was true. I probably stabbed her ten thousand times, thanks to that misguided belief. But a normal person would cry when they want to cry.

Well, I wouldn't. But I'm not a normal person. I suppose, whatever happens, we will have at least that in common. Forever.

Those graceful footsteps, and I'm a toad before her. Those impenetrable eyes, and a sense of so many distances in so many directions to go with the fact that she's here. Is she close or far away? I've never been sure, she's always felt like an incongruity in my presence. I've always rejected that feeling, for my own pride. I am second to no one. Perhaps if I'd stopped to think I would have looked a little more closely, and realised some useful things. But I doubt I'd notice, regardless. I can't see her now, either, no matter how hard I squint.

"Hey, Natsuki."

I frowned. "Yes?"

She flicked my forehead with a single finger. "You're staring."

"Damn bitch," I muttered without feeling, turning away.

Shizuru turned away. "I'm sorry, Natsuki."

For what? She didn't say, and I didn't ask. I'll just accept the sentiment. "Idiot." Well, I can't sound like that. But I appreciate the thought anyway.

"Are you going to eat at Mai-chan's?" Shizuru asked.

"I won't bother them tonight. I'll cook for myself."

"Ara? Is that really safe?"

"Hey, you know, I've been doing that for like ten years," I said through gritted teeth.

"You never let me try your cooking, though."

I sniffed. "Well, forgive me for not trying to compete with the princess' gourmet chefs."

"If it was Natsuki…" Shizuru glanced at me, then broke off. "It would be interesting, all the same."

Tell me, Shizuru. Why is there so much you never say now?

"Ara. We're here." Shizuru stopped, smiling at me.

I took a step forwards, then turned and looked back at her, wondering. But too many things swam in my head for me to speak.

"Good night, Natsuki."

I sighed, nodding and turning away. "Good night, Shizuru."

I walked up the stairs, heading for my apartment. I needed to comfort of narrow horizons after a day that had stretched me thin. Tomorrow, there would be homework and so much else to deal with. But today, I had to deal with myself, which was a little more fundamental. I unlocked the door, pushed it open, stumbled through and closed it after me. I kicked my shoes off without looking. Shizuru wouldn't approve, but that was fine. Without much ceremony, I found my I-pod, put on my headphones and threw myself on my bed. Any music would do. I twisted, resting my head and looking at the ceiling. As I thought, it was good to lie down, after such a tiring day.

What a really tiring day.

A week? That's so bullshit. After a year, the Carnival, our deaths, and life again, there's no way I can accept such a lame ending. I didn't go through all this crap just to let her fall out of my life, even if I can barely remember now why I care in the first place. That doesn't matter any more. For that time and those memories and her everything, I'd accept her friendship. That should be enough, and I should be allowed to do that much. A punishment game? Because I don't return her feelings? That's not fair at all. I won't accept that. Just because of that difference… but would Shizuru really do that to me? It seems out of character, but she's done worse than that.

Or else is this just what she wants, for herself? Sometimes she looks happy, and sometimes she looks like she despises me, so what am I supposed to think? Wouldn't leaving me behind and forgetting about me be so much easier for her? Heck, wouldn't that be easier for me? Perhaps she's thinking that, making all her decisions on her own again and thinking she's sparing my feelings. Because, even if that's rational, I can't do that. I'm starting to realise that, day by day. After everything, the good and the bad, I can't just leave this behind. If I do that now, I'd just regret it. And shouldn't she be the same? No, she should be worse. She loves me, doesn't she? With a frightening intensity, romantically and absolutely, I am her obsession. Even if she hides that with a smooth face and sad smiles, that shouldn't have changed. She shouldn't choose to leave that behind, either. Or is she hiding from me precisely because her feelings are so strong, to protect me.

This kind of thing was a lot easier when Kiyohime was around, roaring the force of her feelings so loudly and so clearly. But Duran showed me, too, that you can't convey feelings with giant monsters. With retrospect, that seems obvious. It made more sense at the time. In any case, there are no convenient props now.

Am I just overanalyzing this? Isn't this just life? Shizuru has to go to university, and it's only natural her parents want to see her before then. People have partings, that's a natural part of life. Why did I somehow think we were different? The Carnival? Even if we're different from normal friends, that isn't in a good way. That's given us more scars than bonds, and even if I wish for it to have changed our world as it did our minds it hasn't. I can't cling to naïve days forever. Shizuru has a life to live, and I can't stop her from doing that. So why can't I just accept that? Heck, why am I treating it as such a surprise? She'd graduated; of course she was going to leave. Not even Shizuru could hold herself back a year just for me. No, especially because it's Shizuru, she can't afford to do that. She's not just my strange kind of friend, she's an amazing person as well. With a twisted side, but so what? Will she ever be in that situation again? If I'm away from her, won't she be all the better for it? Even if I feel betrayed, it's just stupid. Saying I own her in some way makes me as bad as she was before.

And even though I'm feeling this uncertainty, I didn't ask her anything, and she didn't tell me anything. Does she think I don't care? Was I supposed to protest, to beg, ask, complain? Or is that just a truth she's glad I can accept? Because that's a lie, for sure. But even though it was so important to me, I didn't say a word. I can be a terrible person, sometimes.

I sighed, holding up my right hand and staring at it thoughtfully. What am I supposed to think, in a moment like this?

I frowned, rolling over and burying my face in my pillow. How stupid. It's not like I'd gain anything by brooding. I dismissed the thought, looking to the side and wishing Duran was there, or near-by, still here. He wasn't exactly a good conversationalist, but I'd always enjoyed his companionship. If you say 'we're out for revenge' it sounds less lonely and pathetic than if it's 'I', alone. I could do with that feeling now, as well, but whatever else happened the end of the Carnival took him, my oldest friend, from me. Though it's a little embarrassing that for the longest time my best friend was a mecha dog. Regardless, Duran is not here. That is absolute. And Shizuru will be going, as well. Will things be fine, regardless? Is it really okay to be good and normal and Mai's friend and a sister figure to Mikoto from now on? I can see that image clearly enough, but I also see myself, looking away from them, which has happened before. And perhaps Mai will find me a boyfriend, but that's something I can't visualise at all. No robot dogs, no revenge, no deathmatches, no quirky, worrying relationships with my obsessive stalker and best friend. A normal life, after all this time. That would be fine, wasn't it?

I scowled, rolling over again and staring at the wall. Things should be different. This is all your fault, Shizuru. You know that, right? If it wasn't for you, you'd be by my side right now, and you'd distract me from all these stupid worries. But you tore everything up, just like that.

I can't change that fact, though. It's up to me to decide, isn't it? Whether I'm going to accept an ordinary life.

* * *

I'd made Natsuki sad again. I knew that. But I wasn't sure whether I regretted it or not. After being looked at with askance so many times, even the gravest and most self-aware sinner will start to get sick of those contemptuous eyes. I'm not normal. I wanted to scream that. I'm not well. I can't go through the motions that normal people can follow so easily, for the sake of politeness, not so often and so easily as I could before. It's too hard. It's too tiring. So can't you just let me be?

But it ended up being Natsuki and I, all the same.

I may have wanted something like this to happen, in my heart. For all I use guilty words, and certainly I don't relish any meetings with the other Hime, but wasn't I just hoping for this in the end? That I could show Natsuki that I had a choice, force her to choose, and make her stay with me? If so, I really am a terrible person. That would be using Reito, Natsuki, everyone. But I can't tell whether that was my intent. I can't clearly know who I am or what I'm feeling at any given moment, any more. It's a useful defensive measure, but most of all it shows how good I have become at masking my own feelings. I can barely see them myself. But I do know that I'm glad things ended up this way. I've not grown so much that I can escape that selfish feeling. Not just a friend, I want her to be my best friend, her only friend, more than a friend… however much Natsuki could give, I would still want more. I'd almost managed to forget that, until I heard her voice and saw her face again. My exhaustion, guilt and sadness have not weakened that force. If I had the power, I could construct the world of her and I alone, and let myself reflect infinitely in her eyes.

So the way things have turned out is probably for the best. I should have realised it back then, but you can't protect someone if their greatest danger comes from you yourself. Not when there's such an overwhelming emotion suffocating you. Her awkward kindness, her pride, her sarcasm, her everything… but I won't write poetry in my heart any more. I've betrayed the Petrarchan tradition, or it has betrayed me, and I cannot pretend that my feelings are so clean, simple and abstract. So I won't let myself be afraid of leaving her behind. If one of my arms was broken, poisoned and oozing blood and pus, I would know to take my sword and cut it free myself. This is no different from that. A necessary sacrifice, if I am to remain alive.

Or would it be better to die smiling at her?

Those thoughts haunted me as I walked home in the slowly gathering darkness, like those unkind ghosts who follow after. For as long as I am distracted, I can avoid this, but in silence and loneliness I have come to hate and relish the echoes of my own mind. For all my bold words to Natsuki, I would never share them with anyone. Everything recalls too many mistakes, too many sadnesses, and too much of my own reckless foolishness. The only fixed point in that storm is a simple fact. I am Shizuru Fujino. Impossibly, I cling to that conceit of pride despite everything. I will control everything, suppress everything, turn it all inwards and shield it from Natsuki and her friends. If they think me unrepentant, the simpler their lives shall be, and the better for me. I almost miss-stepped with Reito, but he reminded me that he has his own perceptions. I will keep everything to myself, no matter the cost. My last sacrifice.

Am I being arrogant again? Perhaps. But that is part of being Shizuru Fujino.

I sighed and flipped out my phone, selecting my home number. Well, my home while I am here, soon to be vacated.

"_Fujino residence. Is there anything I can do for you?"_

"It's me. Please bring the car around to the park, north gate."

I muttered the rest of the necessary words, then returned the phone to my pocket. 'Princess', is it? A new nickname. I suppose it's appropriate enough in various ways.

Always knowing anything I wanted, and subsequently wanting nothing in particular, I had lived life in a genteel fog for as long as I could remember. Once I'd learned and understood my father's words, the bearing of a Fujino and the skills of a Fujino and the pride of a Fujino, I accepted that as the only thing that wouldn't simply be handed to me, and struggled. I have become a very fine Fujino, in some respects. In others, I am a complete fake. But the whole affair has become so insincere in my eyes that I don't consider that a huge problem, any more. Well, it was still Natsuki, who became the first thing that was not necessary or easy to obtain, but interesting regardless. My utter failure to reach her may have something to do with that.

And then there was Kiyohime, who was no princess but actually a waitress. I've always wondered, was my Kiyohime any relation to the actual one? Well, a myth is a myth, but I can't exactly deny the existence of the supernatural. Perhaps she really did turn into a dragon and all the rest. Or was the naming a coincidence? Or did my Child take its name from my mind, seeing it as fitting? I have wondered about these things, but I don't know. I didn't ask her when she was by my side. She was simply a weapon. Now Kiyohime is gone and I wonder fruitlessly, because I will never see her again. I wonder what she made of me, if it were she, so close to what she had been when she was a mortal. Did she tremble and cry inside even as she obeyed the orders of my mind? Did she fight with passion and zeal, trying to carve out the happy ending she could never receive in blood as a present for me? What I am sure about is that we would understand each other. That's why she was a fitting being to be my Child, though I was probably a torment to her. Perhaps in some future time my tortured spirit will be bound to earth again, and a loving, blind monster will cry out 'Shizuru!" as the world trembles. But it has been killed, the demonic true myth, or so Natsuki says. For my part, I don't think stars fall so easily, nor do I believe that gods can die.

The future and the past wrap me and keep me, a thick cloak that separates my mind from the present and the truth. I relish that feeling, and take it into my heart. I have little else to cling onto now.

* * *

I miss the orphans. Before, when I wanted to take my mind off things I'd go hunting with Duran. Now I have to write letters, instead. How lame is that?

I frowned, trying to remember whether Shizuru had said anything about this stuff. No doubt she is a master of the Secret Fujino Letterwriting Art, passed from parent to child for a hundred generations, or something like that. Sadly, I'm not so enlightened, she's somewhere else, and I'm not going to give her the satisfaction of phoning her up for something so trivial. I'd just do it Natsuki style, just writing stuff down without apology. That sounds best.

_Dear Takeda._

I considered that line for a while, then screwed up the sheet of paper and threw it over my shoulder. Not because it was sensible, but because that's what they do in the movies. I'm sure it looked dramatic. In any case, that had been too much of a lie to start with. After a few moment's consideration, I wrote something else down.

_Takeda._

That would do. Cold? Yes. But I am cold, and at least it's my true personality. Sadly, that was the easy bit. I stared at the paper for at least two minutes, trying to work out what came next. After a while, I tentatively tried a new line.

I'm writing to thank you for your feelings, but I'm afraid I can't accept them. 

I tapped my pencil against my lip, looking at that for a bit, before trying another line.

_Happy Holidays._

_Natsuki Kuga_

I put down the pencil and stared at my masterwork thoughtfully. I wasn't an expert, but there was something wrong with that letter. It was a little short, for a start. I ended up screwing it up, deciding against throwing it over my shoulder, and putting it to my right. No point in giving myself more cleaning up to do later on, after all. I took a new piece of paper, stared at it for a bit, then grabbed and unfolded the old one. I needed it for reference.

And, well, it took a while. And a lot of paper, which I neatly put in the bin after I was done. I even picked up the one on the floor. And I ended up with one letter, which ran something like this:

_To Takeda,_

_I'm writing to thank you for your feelings, but I'm afraid I can't accept them. I'm sorry that I feel differently, but there is someone very important to me, whose feelings I must understand and accept, whatever happens. My most important person. So it isn't because I hate you or anything. I just want you to understand. _

_Thanks for everything. I hope you can find someone who will make you happy in future._

_Natsuki Kuga_

To be honest, I didn't like this one very much at all, but at least it was a little longer. And it said the things it needed to say, including the realisations I'm beginning to come to myself. I've decided.

There isn't any more time, and there isn't anyone else. I have to take responsibility for Shizuru's feelings and try to understand them, as well. I did that before, even if it was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do, but blowing things up is a short-term solution, especially when they come back from the dead. The outcome doesn't matter, and the future doesn't matter either. I have to do everything I can now, if I am to live with myself the next day. That's what I thought then, and my feelings are the same now. It looks like I can only really do what I have to do when my back's to the wall, after all. So I hope you can understand, Takeda. My future begins with my past.

Oh, and you're an obnoxious git. But I'm not going to tell you that, now am I? I'm cold, not heartless.


	5. Chapter 5

**Windows of the Soul: Part 5**

The note was my spin on what I know happens in Natsuki's Prelude, though I haven't read it myself. But it should be like this. It's not like I hate Takeda, he's just constructed as a character with no redeeming features except persistance. Of course, Shizuru is hardly a nice girl, but at least she has a prettier accent. These things are important.

An all-Natsuki chapter, today. She must work twice as hard to make up for a sedentry and depressive Shizuru, I guess.

* * *

"Then…" 

She held up her hands, eyes unreachable and cold, as she formed her element. I fired on her without hesitation, but she tore through my shots as if they weren't even there. An incredible speed and strength. If I fought her indoors, she would undoubtedly win, for that fact alone. I'd already planned it, the retreat outside, a fight where Duran and my ranged attacks could best be leveraged against her. But I can't say I could stick to those thoughts in that moment as I fled, sweat beading my brow and breath coming fast.

"Kiyohime."

Yukino and Nao collapsed in my eyes. Was this really enough? How far would my powers, my feelings, take me against such an overwhelming strength? I felt fear, then, but it wasn't just any fear. This wasn't the will to survive. Even if Shizuru had not, I knew that at least one of us had to die. My determination was stronger than that, so it wasn't going to fade away just from this. I couldn't just win. It wasn't enough just to match her overwhelming strength. My thoughts, my feelings, had to be so much stronger than hers that I could defeat her without killing her or her Child. The old me wouldn't dare to think of such a thing, but Mai and Shizuru had changed me. You could do what you liked with these powers. Good and evil was for us to decide. Shizuru trusted her feelings and did terrible, great things. Mai, younger and more uncertain and more naïve, was still trying to create something completely different, though. She wanted to save everyone. I couldn't lose to her in that respect, and so I couldn't lose to Shizuru.

"I'm sorry. I really had no intention of hurting you."

Just what were those words? What do they mean? I still don't know exactly what she had intended to do, from the beginning. I wish I could pretend that it had all gone horribly wrong somehow, but I'm more cynical than that.

It's impossible to relive the exact feelings I received, with her standing so high above me, eight heads and her melancholy, determined face looking down at me. I should have been terrified beyond belief. How could I hope to rival that power? Duran, who had been so small and brave before, was nothing compared to that demonic giant. Shizuru's feelings for me, a feeling different from my own feelings for her, a love taken beyond all reason or rationality, an absolute determination which had sacrificed everything on the altar of those vain feelings with no regrets and no demands for forgiveness, were incomprehensible. But for me, so tired, so cold, so small, separated from her by such an enormous distance, what could I do? I loved her as a friend, and even that had been shaken to the very core by her actions. And I had always been aloof, cold, impatient, using her for my own benefit while she just watched and smiled. Such a feeble friendship. How could I ever hope to compare that to Shizuru's mad passion?

But that only occurred to me afterwards, when I cared to think. At the time, I was too far taken by the current. I would save Shizuru. That wasn't negotiable, that was an absolute. I wouldn't allow anything to stop me, I'd risk my life and hers and everything in this world to stop her instead, right here, right now, as our eyes met on that rooftop. My whole being was consumed by that desire. There was nothing beyond that. And even when Duran answered with his all, I didn't acknowledge that. Of course he had that much power. He had to have that much power, to save her. And I would stop her and save her no matter what, so it was natural. Nothing was going to hold me back. It's only now I wonder exactly where his great strength, and my bold feelings, came from, in that final battle. Just what was that experience?

"But I can't have the feeling that you wish I did." I said that then, so I have no easy answers.

I still reflect on that scene, generally when I'm alone, often late at night or early in the morning. It's impossible to be optimistic about anything early in the morning; you're too tired and fed-up for happy thoughts. And it was the same way now. Shizuru had done terrible things to me. I had killed her, which wasn't much nicer, and myself as well, which may well have been the greater of the two sins in her mind. Oh, so she said "I'm fulfilled". But I was happy then, too, strangely enough. There was something… right, about dying together and going wherever you go after death together.

I don't remember what happened after we died, either. So it's just an empty sleep, or else God erased our memories to prevent the truth from getting out, I don't know. Heaven is overrated, hell is just plain bullshit, and all told oblivion could be okay. Well, it's not like the thought makes me happy. But I think I've approximated the absolute despair you can find in life. At least I wouldn't have those feelings in a peaceful, never-ending sleep.

We came back to life, though, and ever since then things have been more complicated. That's to be expected, for as long as you are alive. The problem is that we had to deal with what had come before. Like reincarnation, but without the convenient forgetfulness. And I don't know about her, but I can't very well live for the future when the past is so fraught, trapping my path forwards with so many things unsaid. I've been taking baby-steps, trying to rationalise everything in my mind, boxing parts of my experience away and still grappling to understand details and, above all, meanings. Meanings are the most important thing, everything else is meaningless. What did she do on that night is a fine question I can't answer, but why is even harder. Oh, she loved me, and I accept that. But what frame of mind makes you do… whatever she did, to the one you love? Hate? Fear? Desperation? I've never asked, never known, and never felt that certainty, ever since that day.

Sometimes I think it would be easier just to give up and stay in bed. I've fought so much, all my life, for so many reasons. Why can't anything be easy?

The phone rang, telling me exactly how far I'd get with naïve thoughts like that. Life's a bitch, get over it. I grumbled, pushing myself out of bed and stumbling towards my jacket. I'd thrown it over a chair before my desk. I fumbled through my pockets, grabbing my mobile, and hazily took the call. "Yes?"

"_Good morning, Natsuki."_

I groaned. Speak of devils and they'll sneeze, then stop by. "Shizuru… do you know what time it is?"

"_8:30,"_she replied promptly. _"That's the start of the school day, isn't it?"_

"Well, yeah," I replied. I was surprised it was that late. It felt earlier. "But this isn't a school day, Shizuru. This is a holiday. That means sleeping in."

"_Not for Natsuki. You have a lot of work to do, am I right?"_

"Ugh, yeah, yeah. You really are my mother, aren't you?" I rubbed my eyes with my free hand. It was _way _too early in the morning for me to be able to deal with stuff like this.

"I know well enough that if you're not forced, you'll put it off, and won't graduate. That's normal. I care about Natsuki too much for me to let that happen, even if you protest."

"Do I even get an opinion about this?" I asked absently.

"Not really. I'm outside, by the way."

"Wait, what?" I demanded.

"I'm outside the dorms, that's all. Come down when you've finished with everything."

"Are you serious?" I ran to the window, pulling open the curtain. A small figure waved at me, looking up. I abruptly remembered I hadn't changed out of my nightclothes, and pulled the curtains shut again. "Hey, Shizuru! Don't do stuff like that, you crazy stalker!"

"Ara. It sounds like Natsuki is more awake now."

I groaned at her careless voice and jammed my phone against my shoulder, staggering towards the drawers as I did so. "Whatever. Don't go anywhere, and for Christ's sake don't come up!"

"As much as I'd like to see your morning face, I'll be good. I take it you haven't eaten yet?"

"Of course not! Have you?" I hurriedly pulled a pair of trousers out, then noticed that were three inches two short. I threw them behind me. The last thing I needed was Shizuru laughing at me. It's never late enough in the day for me to be able to deal well with that.

"Yes. Please don't worry yourself on that account."

"I wasn't worrying!" I snapped. "What time did you get up, anyway? This is way too early!" I found a decent pair of trousers and struggled into them. "I'm totally not ready at all, you know! This is going to take ages!"

"I'm sorry, Natsuki. I thought you'd be up sooner, that's all. We did agree that I'd help you today, right?"

"Sort of, but we didn't say this early," I snapped, trying to find a decent shirt with one hand. "Look, I can't just keep you down there forever, though. Come up in a minute or two. Even skipping breakfast, I still need to get the books out…"

"I thought we could work in the library. And you can't skip breakfast, Natsuki. That's very bad for your health."

I rolled my eyes. "Being up this early is bad for my health! And give me a second, okay?" I put the phone on the bed, then pulled my shirt over my head. After that, I grabbed my jacket from the floor and slung it casually round my shoulders, before picking up the phone again. "Okay, you can come up."

"That isn't necessary. I was going to walk to the park and wait for you there, and I wouldn't want to impose-"

"Goddamnit, Shizuru, get up here already! You've bothered me this much, there's no pointing backing out now!" I said, exasperated. Honestly, she really does presume the world moves at her pace… what a pain in the ass.

"_Well, if you insist…" _Shizuru replied doubtfully.

"I do insist. Hurry up." I dragged my hair out of my eyes, sighing deeply, and turned towards my desk. The books should be there somewhere… and I noticed I'd left my letter to Takeda on there as well. I hurriedly grabbed it and stuck into the pocket of my jacket. I definitely couldn't let her see that. "Honestly, don't you have anything better to do in the mornings?"

"I do, but if it's for Natsuki, I'll sacrifice myself. I'm coming up, if that's okay."

"Natsuki didn't ask you, damnit!" I protested. Then I noticed that I'd left some clothes around the room. Including panties and bras. "On second thoughts, hang on for a second!" I said quickly, stooping to pick them up.

"Ara, is Natsuki hiding compromising things from me? I'm very curious…" 

"That's not it at all," I protested, trying to fit them into my overcrowded drawers. My collection had been growing again, which left me with less room to put everything securely away. The 'floor as backup storage' approach that normally worked so well was definitely letting me down under this particular circumstance. "I'm just tidying up a bit, that's all."

"Hmm. Don't feel obliged. Or should I come and help you?" 

"No thanks," I said tersely. "Just wait there like a good girl." I shoved the rest of my clothes under the bed and out of sight, then looked around and tried to think of anything else I needed to hide. My gun was still locked in the drawer, along with the pictures of my parents, and of her. The motorbike stuff would amuse but not offend her. The drafts of Takeda's letter were in the bin, but that might not be able to stop an unguarded Shizuru. Perhaps I should burn them. The kitchen-dining area was a mess, but she could damn well get used to that. Oh, and my hair was a complete mess. But I supposed that couldn't be helped. "Fine, now you can come up," I said cautiously.

"Okay."

There was a knock on the door. I put my head in my free hand, groaned, and walked over to it, pulling my keys out of my pocket. I unlocked the door and yanked it open.

"Good day to you, Natsuki," Shizuru said, smiling and waving with her left hand. She lowered her phone in her right, slipping it into her coat.

"Man, you really are a serious stalker," I complained, glaring at her and putting my own phone away. "Really, genuinely. Come on in and close the damn door. But just for the record, it's far too early for this."

"So I've been told. I'll bear that in mind for the future." Shizuru stepped in, looking around. She looked and sounded like she was in a good mood, for once. Her tone and face was like it had been before, when I didn't know what I'd be missing when they left her. "Ara, this place really hasn't changed at all."

"That doesn't really make me happy," I complained, running a hand through my hair. Yep, it was definitely messy. But breakfast came first. I looked around. "Want a banana?"

"Please," Shizuru said, sitting on the sofa and inclining her head gracefully. "Thank you for receiving me so early in the morning."

I sighed. "Yeah, yeah. Don't make it sound like a big deal. Least I could do."

"It's considerably more than I deserve," she said lightly. I glanced at her, but she had that simple smile again, so I left it be. No need to find double meanings in everything.

I tossed her a fruit, taking one myself and peeling it. "That's my line. What did I do to have Shizuru Fujino as my personal tutor?"

"It isn't important. I just want you to do well."

I took a bite, sighing. "So you say. I bet they're paying you."

"They?"

"Someone. I'll work out who in a minute." I wolfed down more of my banana, looking at her thoughtfully. If she's like this, I guess it's not so bad to see Shizuru this early in the morning. "That's a foort," I swallowed, "that's a thought, though. Do you do tutoring? Like, professionally, for money?"

Shizuru shook her head. "Not professionally. I used to do it with the worst cases, as part of my duties, of course."

"Hey." I glared. "Does that mean I'm one of the worst cases, or what?"

She smiled. "No. With Natsuki, it's always my personal interest."

"I'm not sure whether that's good or what," I muttered, for the sake of appearances. I busied myself with the fridge. "But you really should think about it, you could make a killing. Or you could become a teacher…"

"That's probably impossible," Shizuru noted quietly. "For a Fujino."

"Is that you and your ego again?" I demanded. But I was having second thoughts as well, so I let it be. "Well, you should consider it at university, anyway."

"Do you think?" Shizuru asked. She picked up one of my biking magazines from where I'd left it on the sofa. "Can I read this?"

"Sure," I replied. "I doubt you'll be interested, though." I took out the orange juice and poured myself a glass.

"Ara. The girls are nice, at least," Shizuru said lightly, opening it.

Yeah. She was definitely in a good mood, for some reason. She only refers to _that _out loud when she's in a good mood. Or else a really dark one. No middle ground. "Hey, it's disrespectful if you read it for that…" I complained. "I'm annoyed enough that they have those godamn models in the first place."

"Well, not everyone is sexually attracted to motorbikes. It can't be helped." Shizuru smiled at me, her eyes mischievous.

"Yes, yes," I muttered, slicing some bread and sticking it absently in my mouth. "No' wai' up," I chewed and swallowed a piece. "I'll go and pack the books."

"Okay. I thought we could study English, Japanese and Biology today. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, okay," I said, shrugging. "I haven't thought about it. What have you come up with a timetable or something?"

"Actually, yes. I have it in my bag." Shizuru chuckled. "Don't worry. I've written it out for all six weeks, and I did include some breaks as well."

"Well, thanks for small mercies," I said, wondering whether she was being serious. I could never tell her. Instead of hanging around and trading words with her, I went and packed the books I'd specified. It was about halfway through when I actually stopped and frowned for a moment. Was this really okay? I mean, in objective terms, to have… Shizuru, in my room again. But it didn't feel wrong. My feelings might have been miserably deluded before, but I might as well at least be consistent. If she makes me smile inside, that will have to do. And Shizuru being Shizuru was rather relaxing.

"Hmm, you've cleaned this place up a bit." I turned my head and saw her leaning against the door, smiling vaguely. "Perhaps Mai-chan has taught you good habits?"

"It's nothing new," I protested. Such an easy form of conversation. I just have to fend away her every statement, and that's fine. Not exactly communicative, but it keeps her entertained and me with a more secure feeling than otherwise. I could certainly do with that. "Anyways, we aren't staying here, you know. Library, right?"

Shizuru nodded. "Natsuki wouldn't be able to study properly with all these distractions around."

"Oh? Is that so?" I asked, rubbing my forehead. "Aren't you the most distracting thing here?"

"Ara, Ara. I'm flattered."

But happy Shizuru is also a pain, of course. Happy or unhappy, angry or cold or sad or anything else, Shizuru is always, always high-maintenance. She's a princess, after all. It makes sense. But I guess, when she's spoiling me with this much attention, and a sense of genuine care… nah, it's too embarrassing to say. I could get used to it, though. In fact, I did. Before.

"Fetch my coat," I ordered, balancing my bag on my knees as I placed the last books inside it.

"In this weather?" Shizuru asked. "Are you sure?"

"Of course. Dignity is dignity."

"Very well," Shizuru said, disappearing for a few moments.

I sighed, rubbing my forehead again, then closed my bag and followed after her. "Besides, aren't you the one who'd say it could rain at any time? That would be your kind of line."

"I'd brought an umbrella," Shizuru replied deftly. "Just in case I'd have a chance to share it with you."

"I see," I replied, wondering whether she was joking again. I took my leather jacket from her, wearing it over the rest of my clothes. Yeah, that was hot, but I kept a lot of stuff in it. Including a knife.

"Ready to go?" Shizuru asked pleasantly. "That wasn't really a breakfast, now was it?"

"Oh, be quiet," I replied, eating another piece of bread. "It'll keep me going. But that's a point, actually. What'll we do for lunch? Don't tell me you've made bentos."

"I'm afraid not. That would be expecting a bit too much, at short notice." Shizuru shrugged. "I thought I could treat you, if you worked hard."

"Is that so?" I asked cynically. I considered saying more than that, but I remembered Kanzaki and her as well. If he could be all pretty with her for no good reason at all, I of all people had the right to eat food she's paying for.

"Of course, if you're a bad girl, it'll be the opposite," Shizuru teased. "So work hard."

"Now I feel like a elementary schooler," I complained. "Bribery, indeed…" I locked the door after me, spinning the key ring around my fingers then shoving it into my jacket pocket again. "Come on. Let's go. But I still can't believe I'm up this early on a holiday morning."

"You're still worried about that? Don't worry. I'll let you rest- on the desk." Shizuru turned away. "If I'm feeling kind."

"This sounds like slavery already," I complained. "Honestly, aren't there other people the school should worry about? I mean, okay, I missed a lot of lessons. But surely the girl who entraps men while posing as a child prostitute was a bigger problem…"

"Well, she has been punished for that, in a way."

"Free food and a few hour's work a day. And she'll quit when she gets bored anyway. Hardly punishment."

"I suppose so, though I wouldn't like to do it myself." Shizuru shrugged, looking away. "But those events were suppressed anyway. Sadly, your attendance is harder to fake."

"Well, it can't be helped, I guess," I said, wondering whether I'd raised something awkward again. I hate it. That feeling of safe and unsafe topics. Before, I could come to Shizuru with anything… except the Hime stuff. I suppose I began that spiral of deceptions after all.

"The weather is nice," Shizuru remarked, looking outside. "Even this early in the day, it's so warm. This is why I like summer."

Well. As banal a topic as ever, but it'll do. "Too damn hot," I said. "Isn't it a pain? If you're cold, you can just put a jumper on, but I can't exactly take my shirt off."

"Says the girl with all that unnecessary clothing," Shizuru quipped. "But… winter, I take it, would be your favourite season?"

I rolled my eyes. "How did you guess? Was it the wolf?"

"Well, the blue hair and all the ice everywhere helped a bit as well. But mostly the wolf."

"Honestly, I feel like I should love summer just to stick it to appearances," I said irrelevantly. "But I hate summer, all the same."

"I like it. The heat is nice, and the nights are still refreshingly cold after all."

I pushed my hair out of my eyes, sighing as we stepped outside. "If you say so. Don't you always stay in all day, though?"

"That's a little unfair. I'm out here, aren't I?"

"Only for a while."

"Well, my skin burns very easily. I'm not a rugged person like Natsuki."

"Don't make me sound like some kind of brute, already…"

And so on. Those kind and easy words were certainly comforting, after all. But they're meaningless, apart from that, and we still left the important things unsaid. Considering the two of us, though, that might not be a bad thing.

I've thought about Shizuru's 'presence' before. Well, practically every time I've seen her, since that time. Today it was a pleasant one, though. Her grace and elegance is undoubtedly the reason why she's so damn popular, even I can see that. She had dressed casually again, and the look was growing on me. She hair was very pretty… and abruptly I remembered that I hadn't brushed my own this morning. That was definitely her fault, for disturbing me so early on. I tried to stroke it down with my hands; she noticed and giggled. I growled at her, and turned my head away. I could feel her watching her for a while, a thought that made me flush a little. If I see Shizuru as Shizuru, how does she see me? Does she really see me with such eyes? Well, it would be hard to deny that, but she has a lot of self-control. It's not like she's Takeda… or Tate… or Kanzaki… heck, she's not a guy. Or something.

She was looking away again when I looked again, which was a relief. She was staring at the air again, but hadn't I been doing the same? If I looked, though, there were shadows under her eyes. That was very unusual for Shizuru. "Hey, did you get enough sleep?" I asked.

"Of course," Shizuru replied, smiling at me. "Why the concern?"

"Well…" I shrugged. "You did get up pretty early."

"I'm fine."

"Okay," I said doubtfully.

"Ara, so kind." Shizuru smiled at me. "You remind me of my mother sometimes."

"You're the one who's dragging me this far, so that makes you the motherly one," I complained. "I'd be a useless mother."

"You certainly do protest too much, but I'd be no better."

I shrugged. "I don't know, you're just generally good at people."

"I don't know, do you think?" Shizuru asked doubtfully, looking across the park. "I don't."

"I don't know how you say that, considering you're the most popular girl in the school who everyone wants to be with or be, and everything." I folded my arms. "It's kinda annoying if you say that. Where does that leave me?"

"Well, I'm good at that stuff," Shizuru said dismissively. "But it's not real. That's all."

"Isn't it?" I asked.

"Well, Natsuki knows." She smiled a little tiredly. "Please tell me you at least know."

I flushed, deciding the conversation was moving in the wrong direction again. "Of course I know what you mean," I replied. "But, even with that, their sincere feelings… are still real. So in an important way, it's real."

"I wonder…" Shizuru mused.

For me, too, Shizuru, it's real. "In any case, what about your mother? You never talk about your parents at all."

"Well, there isn't much to say," Shizuru replied, shrugging.

"Oh, come on. There has to be something. Are they members of the royal family?"

"I'm afraid not. Like I said, they aren't particularly exciting people." Shizuru closed her eyes momentarily. "I was thinking because my mother has been worrying about me a lot, in more recent times."

"It must be nice, to receive those feelings," I said quietly.

"Well, a little. But, for me, it is also very… heavy, the weight of that concern."

"Huh?"

Shizuru waved a hand distractedly. "For me, there is a lot of concern, even when I hide… everything. But for you, and for the others, you all aren't always so lucky. And for my part-" She stopped abruptly, and shrugged. "Well, please don't think I'm not glad about having parents. But it has weaknesses as well."

"Of course. Life isn't perfect." I looked at her curiously. "What is she like, though? Your mother?"

"I feel a little embarrassed," Shizuru said. "Why the sudden interest?"

"Well, you raised it, and I'm curious." I frowned. "You don't have to reply if you don't want to."

"Mother is gentle, kind and a good person. She cares for me, which particularly worries me, as I'm nothing like her… but her health isn't very good, so she doesn't have an easy life. In any case, I was raised by all kinds of people, and we've never had the kind of relationship I read about in books. She didn't sing me songs when I cried or anything romantic like that." Shizuru was staring into the distance again, a mellow expression on her face. "Well, father wouldn't permit me to cry, after all."

I frowned at that. "When was the last time you saw her?"

Shizuru shrugged. "Hmm. Three years ago, I suppose."

"Seriously? You're a terrible daughter, aren't you?"

"They spent some of that in Europe on business trips," Shizuru said. "And in any case, they both said I should concentrate on this place, right here."

"Really?" I asked curiously.

"Family is a fall-back position," Shizuru said abruptly, looking at me. "It's an invaluable psychological support, insofar as I know they will always take me in. But that's all. It's most useful when it's far away."

"Cold, aren't you?"

"I know. Well, that's why I'd make a terrible mother."

"Well, I've never seen it that way. Family is…" I began, then I sighed. "You know, I really don't know. I only remember fragments, and even those shattered memories were betrayed by the truth I discovered. That doesn't help at all. But you should be grateful for your mother's concern, all the same. It's a unique bond, isn't it? One that stretches over this far distance."

"It's also why I'll be going home soon. I'm not ungrateful, but the fact that I partially regret my mother's affection only makes me guilty and sad. You don't have to remind me of what she offers and what I owe her, either. I know."

"Well, I wasn't trying to lecture you-"

"I know." Shizuru smiled. "And things have been very hard, for Natsuki. It's a vain and useless statement, but if I had the choice, I would definitely switch places with you."

"Hey," I chided. "Don't disown your family so easily."

"Considering everything, that is the least I can do. But I can't do that. The world doesn't work like that." She shrugged again. "However, family isn't just a birthright, contained in a name and the pride of a name. It's something some people can make as they live. For you, you definitely have a family whose feelings can cross those distances, just like my mother."

"Well, I'd be a bad child," I replied, frowning awkwardly. I twisted a strand of my hair. "I wouldn't want to accept what you do, that separation. I would want to be by their side every day, talking to them and smiling."

"I know." Shizuru smiled at me. "But with you and Mai-chan and Mikoto-chan and everyone else, it's fine, isn't it? You've already overcome so many things, and all of you are kind people. You're not alone like you were before, so you shouldn't be too sad."

How do I say it? If I was to put into the words, the reason for this disappointment, the difference between her and the others, everything, is there any way I can just say that, so that she understands? Not for good, definitely not because she deserves it, not first in kindness or trust or consideration or any of those things that are so important, but still it has to be Shizuru. I really have no idea why, but I think it's something to do with that warmth. Even as she disappoints, I can feel that affection. It isn't something I can just replace, nor is it something I can simply describe to her, or an emotion I can easily convey to her face. Everything is still complex.

"I wasn't alone, not for a long time, and you know why. That hasn't changed. The bond you created then, the first one I had, something important… you can't disown it or me as easily as that, Shizuru."

Well, as attempts go, it could be worse.

"You know-" Shizuru fell silent when she saw my face, and sighed. "Well, that wasn't my intention."

"And whatever you say, even though you'd be stubborn, I still think you'd be a good mother," I said, smiling slightly. "So let's go. We have a timetable to match, right?"

"So we do."


	6. Chapter 6

**Windows of the Soul: Part 6**

This chapter recalls a few interesting points. Even if the Hime were given phoenix downs, were Shizuru's victims so lucky? How about the Searrs army? It certainly seems like our darling girls would acculmulate a few enemies, especially Shizuru herself. And a question of direction, too- would it be worth me exploring that, if only in a chapter, or would it detract from the overall direction of the fic? Something to think about.

* * *

"Ah. I found you."

That was a long time ago. Back then, I looked up without fear or regrets, at a boy without fear or regrets, something would be impossible for either of us now. "Ara, Kanzaki-san. This is a surprise."

He smiled. "Eating lunch?"

I nodded. "It would be a little strange if I wasn't, right?" I smiled. "Well, I came here to be alone. But you can sit down, if you like."

Reito chuckled. "That's a neat way of making it _look_like I have a choice, right?"

I closed my eyes, smiling. "Well, I've already got used to the idea that if it's you, you'll just do as you please anyway. It can't be helped."

"Of course," he said, sitting down. "What are you eating, then?"

"A tuna and mayonnaise sandwich," I replied uncertainly, looking speculatively at it. "I won't subject you to it. It has a very peculiar taste."

"Well, this is a surprise." Reito took out his own bento. "And how is she?" he asked innocently. "That girl."

"Who?" I asked, without blinking.

"Kuga-san."

"Ara. You don't miss very much, do you? Or have you been stalking me?"

Reito chuckled. "It's because you are so popular, Fujino-san. I hear so much about what you do from all kinds of people. It makes me a little jealous."

"My, so graceful." I bit into the sandwich again. "But Natsuki is as well as she ever is. And yes, it was her who suggested this. An unexpected side of her personality."

"Natsuki Kuga, the first year ice princess, is it?" Reito said thoughtfully. "You're right. But in any case, only someone like you could establish a rapport with her in the first place. She's very aloof, isn't she?"

"I think she's defensive, rather than aloof. She doesn't trust very much, or very easily." I grinned at him. "But your way of doing things was no good. She did tell me about that, you know."

"Oh my, I'm caught," Reito said, rubbing the back of his head in a boyish way. "How very embarrassing for me."

His little play prompted me to take another thoughtful look at him. I'd heard a lot about how handsome and attractive he was, from various other girls. But even if I concentrated, I couldn't see it. Perhaps he's not my 'type'. My naïve thoughts ran something like that, something I still remember.

"But still, she is quite unusual," Reito said, breaking me out of my trance. "I would put her down as an arrogant beauty if it wasn't for the fact that she takes so little care about herself. She's hard to pace. Hard to please, come to that."

"I'm surprised you have such a lively interest," I observed teasingly. "A beauty, yes?"

"I'm interested, because you are interested, Fujino-san," Reito said simply. "And you wouldn't be interested in anyone so staid as a simple pretty girl."

"Ara, again with the compliments. I hope you aren't leading somewhere, Kanzaki-san." I shrugged, looking up at the sky. "But as for Natsuki-chan, it really isn't anything as simple as that. It's not just arrogance, or aloofness, or anything of that description. Ever since I first saw her, though, I've perceived her loneliness and a sense of genuine distance between her and those around her… I don't understand it. But there's something there."

"The mysterious girl, then. Her attractive points keep increasing in number." Reito frowned, looking up at the sky. "But if it's you saying it, Fujino-san, it's probably true. You know her best."

"Well, even if I say that, I feel like I hardly know her at all. She won't let me in at all, and I can't ever see what she's thinking, especially in those times. When she looks so far away, with those blue eyes absent, and that frown on her face…" I sighed, playing with my hair. "She smiles so rarely, that girl."

"She's certainly very stern."

"Not just stern," I corrected. "Sometimes she's sad, too."

Reito looked at me for a moment, then turned to his lunch again. "You're right, of course."

"But, that just makes it more precious when she smiles," I said. "She does have a very beautiful smile."

"You're as gentle as ever," Reito said, looking at me thoughtfully. "But how about you? Is that kind feeling why you're interested in her? Or her mystery? Or her beauty?"

"I've never really thought about it. It's just a thing, you know."

"I see."

"But, if I was to say any one reason…" I looked at my sandwich thoughtfully, then turned and smiled at him. "It would probably be to protect that beautiful smile. I want to be the one to do that."

Reito just smiled, and I wonder how much he saw and thought, at a time when so much had been hidden from me. But he isn't really the point of that story, that memory. For years, talking to her, smiling to her, working for her sake, becoming president, helping her with her exams, respecting her silences, embracing her words, hiding my real feelings deep inside… and even in that hell, as well, in a perverse way… but ever since that day, my most important reason hasn't changed. I still want to be the one to protect her beautiful, ephemeral smile.

On some days I think that has become impossible for me, but she is smiling now. "Come on, Shizuru. Just try some mayonnaise with all that salad."

"I'd rather not," I said gently, waving a hand. "I find it has a rather strong taste, and detracts from the food underneath."

"Well, that's the point," Natsuki said, looking at me with amusement. "Are you seriously telling me you like all that lettuce and stuff with just the taste of water?"

"I don't mind that taste. I prefer quite plain foods now, you know," I said. "Strong tastes don't agree with me."

"Just a little?" Natsuki suggested, with the ardent fervour of the true evangelical. "It really is nice."

I have no resistance to her pleading eyes, after all. "Well, okay then," I said, smiling gently. "Just a little."

"Well, it's a start," Natsuki said, passing the bottle over and watching as I poured some out. Needless to say, she had applied a lot more to her own food. I wept inside at this violent destruction of the subtle, interwoven flavours of the Caesar Salad. But I shouldn't look down at her tastes. They're certainly efficient, if nothing else.

But it was a strange, to be reminded of that memory now. Oh, I have lots of memories containing Natsuki and mayonnaise, from every time she has ever eaten to a very striking dream I experienced while I still had uncertainties about my sexuality to an even more memorable incident involving a humorous accident with her birthday cake. I remembered that one in particular, though, and that was a memory for me, not for her. My resolve. It's dizzying and fascinating how her words and actions so casually recall anything and everything from the last few years of my life, and even far-away times when we hadn't even met. It is a little like she has an infinite, timeless, relevance, resonance, connection to me, somehow, an arc of thought and emotion that centres me and places my everything clearly in my own mind. But if anything, that's not so much a characteristic she has herself. I've spent far more years without knowing her than with knowing her, after all. It's my own feelings that distort me so much, and through those feelings I really do recall everything. Happy. Sad. Melancholy. Fearful. Friendly. Amused. Kind. Gentle. Fierce. Flowing. Burning. Choking. Violent. Destructive. My fondest moments and deepest shames, they all orbit her, she is the axis of my life. These realisations used to make me happy, but now they disturb me. I understand what I have done, now, and I know that I must leave her and those feelings behind.

"But honestly, did we even have a restaurant like this?" Natsuki asked, looking around. "I didn't notice. I thought this was a trashy student town."

"Well, there wasn't anything like this when I first came," I noted playfully, leaning on my hand and smiling. "I said that in a letter to my mother, and she told my father, and he wrote a letter to the chain… and here we are."

Natsuki looked at me, blinking. "What?" she asked. "Seriously?"

I snorted with laughter. "No, Natsuki. Not seriously. Not even my family is that complacent…"

"Damnit," Natsuki said, giving me a dark look. "Well, if it's your family you're talking about, I can't have that kind of confidence."

"You have such a romantic image of us," I noted lightly. "If you ever visit us, you're going to be terribly disappointed. But it is a little out of the way. Mashiro-chan introduced me to this place once, for the purpose of a business meeting. It normally fulfils those kind of functions."

"Man, talk about exclusive," Natsuki said idly. "I feel totally out of place."

"You don't sound out of place," I noted.

"Yeah, well, that's a different matter," she said, looking at me and smiling. Her beautiful sapphire eyes glittered with amusement and life. "I've developed a healthy contempt for the rich, ever since I met you. So it's not like I'm intimidated or anything."

"Still so cold, Natsuki," I chided, smiling bashfully. "Aren't you as much a princess as I am?"

"Not at all," she said sternly. "We're completely different. That's a matter that was settled at birth!"

I blinked. "Isn't that a very aristocratic thing to say, if you think of it?"

"Of course. I'm not someone who says that rich kids like you are the same as normal people," Natsuki said, nodding at me. "You're different. Just not better, that's all. And, I suppose, not worse."

I leaned forwards slightly, nodding. "I suppose that will have to do. But in any case, that's not the impression I wanted you to receive from here. The food here's good, so it will be a good reward for you."

"Well, it certainly has a sophisticated feeling," Natsuki admitted, eating a crouton. "But you really are going to a lot of trouble for me, aren't you?"

"Not really," I began. "It's not a big deal-"

"Not just that. You seriously drew up a timetable, Shizuru. And you were up so early, and in point of fact, you're bothering to do this at all, even though it's a real pain." Natsuki pointed her fork at me. "You work way too hard, you hear? Holidays are for relaxing, and there's no way you can relax like this."

"Ara. If I'm with you, then that is relaxing enough," I lied pleasantly. "Besides, there's something reassuring about your earnest struggle with English."

"Oh? Is that so?" Natsuki poked her fork at me again. "You had better not be laughing at me inside, Shizuru. That definitely isn't allowed."

"Don't point, Natsuki. It's rude."

"Yeah, whatever." Natsuki skewered an egg and ate it thoughtfully, looking away for a moment. Then she glanced at me. "But thanks, Shizuru."

I flushed, and quickly covered myself. "Ara, I'm sorry. I'm afraid I missed that, Natsuki, what did you say again?"

"I said thanks," Natsuki said, looking away sheepishly and blushing herself. "But that's not something you should make a fuss about it. I'm not gonna say it over and over for you."

"Sorry?" I asked, cocking my head.

"I said shut up and chew leaves, Shizuru," Natsuki snapped, pouting cutely. I adore that face as well.

"My, my. I feel so unappreciated…" I muttered playfully, eating a piece of lettuce. But it was definitely a great feeling, having Natsuki thank me. I shouldn't feel so happy about it, after everything, but even with my dark mind, if she can say that it's a little piece of the mosaic of apology. It would take a lifetime she won't give me to fully repent, but perhaps I don't need to do anything so theatrical anyway. If I can make her smile a little before I go, that's probably fine.

"But this place is western-styled, right?" Natsuki asked thoughtfully. "That seems strange for you. You're still the ultra-Japanese girl in my eyes."

"Which makes no sense, considering my parentage." I chuckled. "Well, father will be glad that I give such an impression… but in his words, the world moves in the west now. 'Best understand them, because they certainly don't understand us' is what he said."

"Is that so?" Natsuki said. "Like that American company, Searrs… what was that about?"

"Well, I don't think that was a matter of east and west per sae," I replied weakly. "I certainly wouldn't mention it at conferences."

"That's the strange thing, though. America and Japan practically went to war at that point, and the only people who don't think that was a big deal is us… you kinda forget about that stuff. Even the people who experienced it normally, though, found it strange. It came fast, and went just as fast."

"I'm just glad things were that convenient," I said uncertainly. "It would be a little unfortunate if we- Mai-chan and so on, went all out to save the world only to have our country destroyed by nuclear warheads."

"Well, quite. They're calling it a 'collective hysteria' now, aren't they? Whatever that is."

"I'm not sure. I don't really follow the news."

"Is that so?" Natsuki asked. "That's a little out of character. Wouldn't your mysterious father say something about how important it is?"

"Well, he did," I said vaguely, searching for a change of subject. "He had me follow it in English, as well. More western cultural understanding, as well as language skills."

"When was that?"

"When I was… six," I said, straining my memory. "More less from then on."

"So that's why you're addicted to work," Natsuki remarked, smirking at me. "You really are too over-accomplished, you do know that, right?"

"I can live with that." I returned her gaze, watching affectionately as she brushed her hair out of her eyes. "But you certainly have too many practical skills, as well. It isn't ladylike for a teenage girl to be good with guns."

"Oh? And it's fine for you to kick ass with a samurai sword or whatever?" Natsuki asked sarcastically.

"Of course. That's just of historical and cultural interest," I replied innocently.

"Whoever says that hasn't seen you come at them with a melee weapon," Natsuki remarked shortly. "Even if I call you princess, I will certainly credit you with that practical skill."

"It certainly doesn't encourage me much, to hear you say that," I said lightly. "And I'm not sure how practical a skill it is. It's not like I'll ever have a use for it, right?"

"Do you think?" Natsuki asked uncertainly.

"Well, I do know it doesn't come up much at university," I quipped.

"Yeah, sure. But, I dunno… like you said, this is very convenient." Natsuki glanced at me, frowning in thought. "Is it all really over?"

"Well, I should think so," I said, trying to sound surprised by the question. This wasn't time to raise my personal speculations on killing gods. "Mai took care of everything, didn't she?"

"I know that," Natsuki said impatiently. "But as far as I know, there were some things left behind. The First District… wasn't so fortunate, right?"

"That's true," I admitted heavily, looking down.

"And Searrs is still out there, isn't it? And on top of that, we're still a little different from normal people, so there's always a risk…" Natsuki sighed. "What I'm trying to say, is that we're still special people. We might still be targeted. I never said that before, because I didn't want to worry you, but I do think that."

"Nothing's happened yet, though," I pointed out reasonably. I tried not to imagine all those aragami pursuing me, not to mention the possibility of more human and dangerous enemies. I'd already thought about those things, over and over, but it wasn't pleasant to have Natsuki raise them with me in the light of day.

"That's no reason for complacently. You shouldn't be that careless." Natsuki was using her cold voice again. "You carry a weapon, right?"

I shook my head. "No…"

"Well, I do, and you should. Why aren't you, Shizuru? It's not like you're stupid…"

"There is a risk of arrest, you know," I said lightly.

"I know. But, well, that can be dealt with." Natsuki looked around cautiously. "I've looked this stuff up, Shizuru, and knives are okay provided the blade's less than 6cm and you don't flash it around. You should carry that, at least."

"Aren't you being just a little paranoid?" I suggested, trying to keep my mind clear. I didn't like being reminded of what I had done, and all the people who would surely want me dead if only they knew who I was.

"Not at all. And what's the harm, even if I'm wrong?" Natsuki reasoned. "If they're serious, a knife won't help much, but I'd feel a bit better knowing you had something."

"Well, I don't have anything like that anyway," I tried again. "All of my tanto are longer than that, and even if I have all my weapons with proper licences, I can't exactly carry them around…"

"I have spares," Natsuki said shortly. "I can give you one later. But haven't you thought about it at all?"

On the contrary… "Well, a little," I said, trying to disarm the conversation. "I do have all those swords and things I can use."

"At home, yes. And a sword isn't much good if they're coming at you with a gun." Natsuki frowned at me, eyes sharp. "You know, I would have said something before, but I thought you'd be more conscientious than this…"

That hurt. "Ara," I said, smiling frostily. "Is that so? Aren't you sure you weren't too afraid to raise the topic?"

Natsuki scowled. "Even if that was true, I'd have reasons. And I hope you're not shying away from this now I have said as much out of your own fear. What would you do now, if someone tried to kill you?"

I tried to think of a smart answer for that. "Well, I never thought it would come to pass…"

"Then start thinking." Natsuki frowned at me, apparently unconvinced by that answer. "Look, if someone tries to kill you, you kill them. And be ready for that eventuality. You and I aren't like Mai or other, better people… you can do it, right?"

"You're asking an awful lot of me, Natsuki," I said uncertainly. "Carrying a weapon…"

"Do it for me. Please." Natsuki glanced at me with her intense eyes. "There are lot of people out there who probably wouldn't mind seeing you dead, Shizuru. But if you died, I would never forgive them or you. Whatever else has happened... that's absolute. It won't change."

I'd almost forgotten what Natsuki looks like, when she's serious. Thankfully, she doesn't look that way so much any more, especially when she's with Mai-chan and the others and she can relax peacefully, as she deserves. But I saw it a lot, before, and it was with that firm, unflinching gaze that she… finished things. It's beautiful and terrifying, and worrying as well, because it means she has things to be afraid of, enemies that must be defeated. Whether I was watching her look like that, serving that thought or fighting against it, it has always mesmerised me. It's the quality in her that, above all else, means she isn't just an ordinary innocent girl. But I'll always be moved by that look, and it would take someone stronger than me to stand against it. "I understand," I said softly. That was a sacrifice on my part, but she'd offered hers, as well. It's very rare that she shows her feelings, but even if it's her confirming that she doesn't want me dead, that's a wonderful kindness. Though I do wonder whether she's really that straight-forwards. Perhaps she was just saying that? "But, if I have to do that, I may not be wearing a very beautiful face…" I said obliquely, looking away.

"That's fine. Well, it's not like I'm Mai. I can't fight to keep everyone alive. And it's not like I know who should live and who should die either, right?" Natsuki shrugged, looking away. "So that's why I'll always make sure it's my friends who survive. They're the only people I know, so it's natural enough."

"Well, if anyone was to make a judgement, I would be the first to die, right?" I said quietly. Wondering whether it was really alright to say that.

Natsuki glared at me, lips tight. "That doesn't interest me. Besides, I already know it. How pointless revenge is. You can kill anyone like that if you have to do so to stay alive. That'll be my fault, because I told you to do so now."

"Ara," I began, then I broke off. It wasn't like I could call anyone cold blooded, but this was certainly Natsuki's own dark side, all the same. "I understand."

"Well, that's that," Natsuki said abruptly, leaning back. "Sorry for raising something unpleasant, but I'm done now."

I reformed my face into something approaching a smile. "You've become increasingly courteous, haven't you, if you can say those words?"

"Only because you hit me over the head with all your manners," Natsuki protested. "It's not like I can help it."

I looked down at my plate, feeling rather disturbed, and wondered whether I could excuse myself. If I did so immediately, though, that would be too obvious, and it might upset Natsuki or else make her feel awkward. I would have to bear with it, but she'd certainly stolen the ease from the conversation. It's not every day so actually forces me to confronts something about my past directly.

"But that's a funny thing, actually," Natsuki said abruptly. "Mai always fusses about Mikoto so much, especially when she goes out at night. 'Will she really be alright…' and 'what if there's a mugger out' and so on… even though Mikoto can still bounce on people's heads like she's playing Mario or something, and is generally amazingly strong. She worries far too much."

"I don't think you're allowed to talk that way now," I said, smiling wryly. "But isn't it healthy? A little concern… I certainly admire Mai-chan for taking on something so formidable."

"You can say that again," Natsuki agreed. "But that's her character, isn't it? She just takes charge of everything and everyone."

"She is very kind," I agreed.

"Very overbearing, is closer to the truth," Natsuki said, sighing and spreading her hands. "It gets pretty tiring after a while."

"She will make a good mother someday, because of that," I said.

"Someday? With Mikoto, she's practically one now. They have a pretty crazy relationship. It makes my head hurt." Natsuki ate some more of her salad, looking down at the table. "But I am grateful to her, I guess. If it wasn't for her I'd still be a pretty antisocial person."

"Ara? You mean you aren't now?"

"Damnit, Shizuru!" Natsuki protested. "I'm better now, aren't we?"

"I always thought you were fine the way you were," I said gently. "But considering I still think you're fine, you probably haven't changed so much after all."

"Again with that. It's hardly fair," Natsuki pouted. "Well, if it's you, it's hard to do anything else, considering you tease me so much…"

"That's fine, isn't it?" Yes. I really wouldn't mind an anti-social Natsuki, if I was only considering my own feelings. That makes me a little special to her, even if I'm just her friend.

"Well, perhaps, but I'm not happy about it." Natsuki shrugged. "Besides, it would better if I had more friends, right? I don't exactly have any special reason not to have friends any more."

"Oh?" I teased. "Was the reason important? I thought you were just like that, after all."

"Yes, damnit, the reason was important," Natsuki said, huffing. "But whatever. The problem is most people are idiots I can't get on with anyway."

But if it's what's good for Natsuki, she's right, of course. She does need more friends, and I'm glad she's growing up. If she doesn't need me any more, that would be good. Perhaps things are already that way, I don't know. It doesn't make me happy to think that way, but we have to separate. It would be good if she didn't miss me, though I would certainly miss her with all my heart. I don't have much else to miss from this school, after all. "Well, stick it out," I suggested, smiling despite my melancholy thoughts. "I've found that a lot of idiots have nice features as well. And I'm sure a lot of people could come to like you, if you made the effort."

"Uh, thanks," Natsuki said, apparently taken off guard. "But it's not like I'll have much chance this summer. I've got all this damn work to do, right?"

"Well, I'm sure you can make use of the free days I timetabled you," I said. "That would be good, right?"

"Yeah, yeah. But that wasn't the main point anyway…" Natsuki skewered a piece of cheese, eating it, then looked seriously at me. "Listen, I want some advice."

"Ara, has Natsuki finally found a boy she likes?" I asked, smiling. And yes, it would be good if she could do that as well. She deserves every kind of happiness. Though what if the boy mistreated her? She's very naïve, after all. I wouldn't forgive them.

"Not that, idiot," Natsuki said reproachfully. "I'm talking about Mikoto, already. Mikoto."

"You mean you're attracted to Mikoto?" I really shouldn't have said that, but it was hard to resist. Natsuki's always so full of openings.

"Shizuru!" Natsuki protested, rolling her eyes. "Are you going to take me seriously or not?"

"Of course, go ahead. I'm just entertaining myself, that's all."

"I know that," Natsuki said reproachfully. "That's the problem. Anyway, I was over at Mai's place a few days ago, and Tate and Mikoto were there. I decided to take Mikoto out for ice cream, considering we were totally in the way anyway."

"How considerate," I said. "I'm impressed."

Natsuki winced. "You have amazingly low expectations of me, don't you?"

"Ara, I wouldn't put it that way," I said, smiling innocently. "But fine."

"Well, never mind," Natsuki said, frowning at me. "The point is, I was out walking with Mikoto, and she said something more or less like she hates Tate, and when I asked why, she said it's because that when Tate is around, Mai doesn't pay attention to her at all."

"Ara, is that so?" I said thoughtfully.

"Well, the funny thing is it isn't," Natsuki said, stopping for a moment to drink some water. "Sure, Mikoto gets less attention, but Mai tries not to ignore anyone. It's just that Mikoto won't get food and she isn't allowed to stick her face in Mai's breasts."

I frowned. "Is she still doing that?"

"All the time, more than before, when Tate's not around. Probably to make up for lost time, I don't know how her mind works."

"She gets away with a lot of things, doesn't she?" I mused. "I would never be so lucky…"

Natsuki flushed. "Don't even think about it."

"In any case, you're worried about that?" I asked, glancing at her. "If Mikoto-chan became very possessive, it would be problematic, right? If I recall correctly, they only settled things with Shiho-chan a few weeks ago…"

"Mai's way too patient," Natsuki muttered. "But yeah. I don't want another drama blowing up in my face, and you're pretty good at this stuff."

I steepled my hands, thinking. "Well, in the first place, is it really a good idea for Mikoto-chan and Tate-kun to be around Mai-chan at the same time? Isn't that just frustrating for both of them?"

"Well, yeah. But Mai's like that, and I can understand her wanting her boyfriend to get on with her friends." Natsuki shrugged. "I'm not an expert, but that's normal, right?"

"More or less. But you wouldn't expect Shiho-chan to be there as well, would you?"

Natsuki frowned. "Well, no. That would be really awkward. So, what? Do we use the same principle here?"

"Perhaps. Mikoto's emotions concerning Mai-chan are very strong, by all accounts." I shrugged slightly. "In general, though, wouldn't she feel better about it if she was with someone else who can pay attention to her in those times? So what you did in the first place was probably right…"

Natsuki frowned, then blinked. "Well, okay, yeah. But I'm not doing that everyday! Besides, I have to study with you, and if we had Mikoto with us nothing would ever get done…"

I chuckled. "Quite. I didn't mean you, though. How about Kanzaki-san? He is Mikoto's important person, right? It seems like it's about time he pulled his weight as a brother, and from what I've heard he has the spare time. Mikoto-chan probably wouldn't object either."

"Him, huh? Yeah, I can see that. So what? Call him up?"

"I can do that," I said reasonably. "Later today, perhaps. I'm sure there will be no objections, and you can suggest to Mai that whenever she wants some time with Tate-kun she can have Kanzaki-san look after Mikoto. That would benefit everyone, even Kanzaki-san… he's a little lonely nowadays, I think."

Natsuki nodded. "I see. Should I say 'as expected of you', or wonder why I didn't think of that?"

"Well, it's hardly sophisticated," I said modestly. "It just counts on Kanzaki's kindness. Of course, that doesn't solve the problem of when everyone is together, and depending on how much time you spend with me- and your studies, more importantly, that could become awkward. This is a stretch, but perhaps you could try inviting Kanzaki to a few of those occasions, as well? That would keep Mikoto occupied, as she was when it was all six of us together. And as I said, he is a little lonely nowadays. It would mean a lot of him."

Natsuki grimaced. "Well, I don't like him that much. But if I put it that way to Mai, I'm sure she'd accept. She's the kind one, right?"

"Well, don't pressure her into it. But it would be nice, all the same."

"Okay." Natsuki grinned. "But still, I hate to admit it, but you really are good at this stuff. Thanks for the help."

"No problem." I closed my eyes, wondering dizzily why I couldn't sort out my own messed-up life, if I'm so good at straightening up everyone else's. That's just irritating. But I guess I wouldn't like the answers I'd received, if I looked at myself with my usual analytical eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

**Windows of the Soul Part 7**

As you may have noticed, I enjoy playing with flashbacks, dreams and whatnot at the start of chapters, without specifically indicating them. This is probably confusing, but it probably symbolises... something. Perhaps that Shizuru should quit whining and get on with her life? I'm afraid she'll be like this for a while longer, sadly.

This chapter runs on the principle that you never see characters go to the toilet. Well, a similar principle, anyway.

* * *

"Welcome home, ojou-sama."

"Thank you, Hideko," I said, smiling gracefully and handing her my coat. "I would like to take a bath before dinner. Could you arrange that?"

"Of course, ojou-sama." Hideko smiled at me. "Did you enjoy yourself with your friends?"

I frowned, considering. "For the most part, yes. I had an interesting time."

"I'm glad," Hideko said, sounding sincere. I suppose I've been worrying them, after all. For once, that didn't annoy me or upset me or otherwise make me feel guilty. In that respect, even if I'm tired to the bone, I suppose I am in a good mood.

It's an irrational thought. Being happy for Natsuki is tiring, in a way, but after a while it becomes intuitive. Objectively, I should be afraid to look her in the face, and I certainly know I don't deserve to be around her. My days begin and end with those thoughts. But when I'm around her, things become easier more often than they become harder. I'm not sure whether that's her kindness or faith or trust or naivety or the simple fact that when I'm around her, I'm too intent to notice my own thoughts, but it makes things a little easier for me. Perhaps more easily than I deserve, but I understand what she said earlier as well. Stuff like judgement or earning things are all irrelevant. I might as well just live, while bearing in mind what I've done. But wilful self-denial won't fix any problems. I think, anyway. It just gratifies my self-hate.

I walked to my room and shrugged out of my casual clothes, folding them neatly and putting them at the foot of the bed. After that, I donned one of my usual kimonos. I've never really thought about it before, but Natsuki does raise a good point. Why do I wear the damn things all the time? It's not like they're more comfortable. If I had to answer, I would say that I value the symbolism of continuity with the past and fit best with my surroundings. On top of that, they suit my image. None of those things are wrong but if I were to answer more honestly with myself it would probably be simply that my parents do the same thing, and expect that of me. We're subjects of our backgrounds, after all. But aren't teenagers supposed to rebel, after a while? I can't say I ever did that, even though I don't actually live with my parents… perhaps because I don't actually live with my parents… but I keep within boundaries they would probably accept, all the same. Well, apart from having a psychotic episode, killing several people consciously if indirectly, trying to kill another, and flying off to commit mass murder on what could be regarded, a little charitably, as a God's military and civil servants.

Mother would be phoning me later to check I was alright, as well. She's still worried that something terrible has happened to me.

I fell forwards onto my bed, burying my face in the clean sheets and closing my eyes. Yeah, I doubt they'd approve of that. And then there's the other problem, of course. I don't know what my mother would say, but my father would not be happy. Not at all. That would certainly be a circumstance where I wished, once again, for Kiyohime. Or heck, just my Element would be fine. Give me a little present, please, God. I chuckled to myself. Absolutely impossible, of course. Besides, it's not like that would solve anything.

Princess. It's a nickname Natsuki's found for me, somehow. It does describe my personality quite well, though I doubt she's unaware of the double entendre. I'm not sure whether it's a term of affection, or an insult, or just a reminder. What is true is the meaning behind it. For all I exude an aura of hyper-competence, the reality is that I'm no good at practical things. Well, that's normal for a girl my age, isn't it? Well, perhaps not normal, but not truly uncommon either. I can recover from that, and I don't need to feel useless just for that. I'm still a Fujino, though. I don't resent, even though I know everything that it means. Is that really okay? Can I really continue my life fulfilling the role expected of me, without any spontaneity? I'm not sure. I know what Natsuki would say to that, of course, so I've never asked her. But it's better if she concentrates on herself, and what she wants to do. For all her tough talk with me, she also has a long way to go, before she knows what she wants to do with herself.

I concentrated on that, stilling my own thoughts about myself. As ever, present or absent, she is the eye in the heart of my storm. A single point of calm, when everything else is just an uninhibited destructive force. Of course, so present or absent, so past or future. Even if you are safe in a place like that, you may not like what you see, looking outwards. The tempest still rages and so much is annihilated by its passage, so can you really be happy simply by surviving? The problem is… the problem is that I'm a destructive force like that. I can't really make friends, but I can use a lot of people. I can't love men as decent girls should, but I know how to play off their love for me. I can use my intelligence and my money, but I mostly do it to please myself, and I didn't earn those things in the first place. And I just take for granted everyone around me, even when they care about me so much. In that picture, what is Natsuki? Probably only the exception that proves the rule. Then there's the Carnival, of course. That proved that even when I have power, I can't protect anyone with it. I just smash things.

These are all things I can perceive and remember, when I stop and think about myself. Objectively, I'm a monstrous person. Surely Natsuki has seen that? So why does she smile so much when we're together? Perhaps she's just become more optimistic now her past is a settled account. But still I dare hope that I have a chance of keeping that vow I made a long time ago.

Those were pointless thoughts, though. Glorifying my flaws is as arrogant as dwelling on whatever qualities I may ascribe myself, simple presumption. It's a temptation I must avoid now, just as I was young and superior before. I'm hopeful for Natsuki, though. If she can do this, and I will make her do it, insofar as I am able, she will probably lead a happy life. Losing not just one but two school years to her past would be too damning, I think, so I won't let it come to that. From then on, she's smart, beautiful and self-sufficient. Even if she can be lazy from time to time, she has Mai-chan to look after her now. And she's slowly becoming more sociable as well, even in her manner to me. We're more like equals now. No, more than equals now, considering she's willing to talk to someone like me. She's strong and kind, and her future should be wonderful. I can't imagine what she will become. Hopefully, nothing dangerous, though that streak is still alive in her. Perhaps a lawyer? Or a high up in the police? Or a doctor? I'm indulging my fantasies, now, but it's a cute game to play. I've always had everything on my side, so even if I succeed that's meaningless. Natsuki's had everything against her, but I'm sure she has the capability to excel in life.

I wouldn't tell her that, though. She's proud enough as it is.

A knock on my door. "Ojou-sama? Your bath has been prepared."

I pushed myself up, touching my face to make sure I hadn't compromised myself somehow. "Understood. Thank you, I will come presently."

I got up and left my room, following the original and not the informed meaning of the word. I nodded to the maid as I passed and walked through my domain, which is too fine for one girl and attended by too many people that my presence can justify. I'm not even a particularly messy person, though I could afford to be like this, but I've never said anything about it. It's expected of me, my father has the money to burn, and it keeps them in employment. Perhaps I should send one to look after Natsuki? I giggled to myself. Somehow, I doubted that she would be able to withstand the intrusion.

That's the thing about having servants, of course. I opened the door to the bathroom, stepped through, and slipped out of my clothes. You can't really have much in the way of secrets. I doubt Natsuki has anything really compromising, though the image is amusing, but it takes some getting used to. Of course, I've gathered the regal arrogance required, but I try to be conscientious, all the same. And it's for my own defence, as well. Now more than ever before, I must keep some things from them, and by extension, my mother. They know too much already, certainly enough to know that something is wrong.

I slid into the water, sighing as the warmth of it rushed through my body. It may not have cleansing properties and perhaps a trained psychologist would be more helpful- not that I could explain my sins to one- but there's a lot to be said for a good, warm bath at the end of a long day. It's an indulgence I allow myself, as I must allow myself something. And the water really is very warm, close to stifling, something I've insisted on since a long time ago. That doesn't always help, though. I closed my eyes and lapsed into my thoughts, without the constraint of my mental barriers. Here and now, I can feel what I like.

The day and its moments flowed through me, from the first exchanges to our farewells. I'd been arrogant, again, but it was always my way and I still want to see a Natsuki who looks only at me. Even if I say, "I want to guard your smile", isn't it truer to say that I want to steal her eyes away? My possessive streak is no weaker than before. But sometimes I think that's fine. I can ride out her reproaches, if only I can see her face, and for once I can take satisfaction in what I'm doing. This isn't just for my benefit, even though that's one of my major reasons for doing it. It's also to help her, and I am good at helping her, I know that. I am a good teacher, and she is a good learner. And if it's me, who enjoys her company more than anything I could do at home, I don't even need to force myself to force her. It's natural for me to monopolise her time, and if it's on studying, it's all to the good. Whatever else I may think, that's fine. I don't need any special righteousness to do that. Well, perhaps the restaurant was a little overboard, but she seemed to enjoy it.

Things weren't quite so formal, before, but the outcome was the same. Even if I could only snatch a few moments, watching her face was enough. Her eating, something she can relish in some way that I cannot, at least when I'm around her. Her working, with an irritated, determined expression, a balance of frustration and bloody-mindedness… and that wonderful earnestness with which she approaches everything, from my more fanciful word-games to her to her work to those things she really cares about. My safety, with those serious eyes. And so rarely before, a little more now, though smiles. Natsuki rarely fakes smiles, and now only to protect me, because she doesn't mind being austere, so when she does smile, I can feel her happiness. It's an achingly beautiful expression. It's not quite simple and certainly not foolish, but it is a straight-forwards kind of happiness, when she finds a joke or enjoys a moment. The sight takes my breath and haunts me, as it as always done. Those expressive lips, those gentle sapphire eyes, they both speak of something approaching tenderness when she's like that. It's an exquisite sight, one I drink in. Before, it was simply a pleasure to me, but now it's even more fierce and animal. Her smiles and their warmth allow me to stay with her, even if it's only for a little while.

And more than her smiles, her whole face, her whole body, are so animated and expressive. She pouts, stamps, snorts, rolls her eyes, grimaces, frowns, scowls, sighs, rubs her forehead, rests her cheek on her hand and looks away, hiding nothing and letting all her emotions pour outwards. To me, trained and doll-like, genteel and controlled, that overflowing honesty is so mesmerising. Her posture trembles with her feelings, in a way that makes her 'ice princess' reputation a mystery to me. When she is bored or impatient, you will know. But when her emotions are stirred, that ripples through her. Like a harp string, taunt and ready to be plucked, when I talk to her she can become a trembling song, one emotion following the other as she reacts to a moment and forgets it the next. She forgives as easily as she angers, smiles and frowns, and blushes with such a cute, honest heat. Or like a bowstring, she has that deadly intensity. Even if I try to remain in control, her gaze can pierce me through, if I'm not roused and guarded myself. She's uninhibited by her emotions, but she still moves with a pained dignity, holding herself a little in check and safeguarding her pride even as she follows my words avidly and reacts so intently to them. And when she speaks, she penetrates me and fascinates me with her lively unfolding and her guarded hardness both. It's a glittering, icy quality, a complex play. Her intensity leads her on and her pride pulls her back. That interplay, something unique to her, traps my eyes and my mind. I could dwell endlessly on every part of her, every of her words. Even in recollection, her eyes, cheeks, nose, lips, they all project a kind of raw power. At her most dignified, she's as cold as snowmelt. At her most animated, it's an animal intensity. I endlessly watch the pendulum.

It's a shadow, a heat, a quickening, a something that I can neither pin down nor escape. It runs through me, a kind of wilful, toxic intoxication, a haziness that abstracts me from reality because I'm lost in my thoughts of her. Her eyes alone, I could fall for ten thousand times. She haunts me now, in full, as I lay back with the water around me and titillate myself with the danger of these thoughts. It's a heat and a fog, a rising steam that runs through me, passing through my armour and all my Fujino pride and wrapping me in a sickly compulsion, an ephemeral dream. It can't ever to be but I wish it to be, recalling her flushed cheeks and her eyes and her smile, her breath and her sweat and her every unsightly quality. This a compulsion, an addiction, a dragon I can't tame and a dream I can't break. Even after that time, I still recall that time, everything, the sickness of it, her everything, her soft lips against mine, the heat of it. Like the hair she touches so much, so silken and smooth, she is before me, all around me, within reach in my dreams. This is a sin, but I fall into it so softly, the sickness rising in me like gas from a bog. This makes me weak and strong, hot and cold, awake and asleep, all through me. I toy with defiance in my mind but in truth it is already my world, an imperative I am lost in.

I sink into myself, slowly, shamefully, eyes closed and stomach roiling. A thought, a touch, slowly and sensually, I deepen myself, trying to control myself. There's as much sickness in it as there is pleasure, and far more guilt that satisfaction. This is catharsis, a purge, a release, another kind of purification through agony. My hands dare, I breathe, seek, dream, stumbling in the fog without redemption. I am only myself, and my awareness of myself is absolute, that feeling runs through me. I fall through it, to the very end, until the very edifice of feeling collapses and there is nothing but incomprehension and guilt. The urgent compulsion is gone; there is only myself and despair. It always ends like this, but my control always fails me, all the same. I am weak. My body is weak, it always betrays me, but that is no excuse, I am weaker. This reminds me of that, every time. My weakness takes my breath, strangles me, and I am silent.

I lay back, trying to purge myself of everything. Of self. I was lost in such thoughts of not thinking when there was a knock at the door.

"Ojou-sama. Dinner is ready whenever you are finished in there."

I flushed, reflecting on how close things were, and collected myself. "Understood. Give me a few minutes."

No matter the consequences, I cannot escape those thoughts of her, her absolute presence in my life. I don't know whether that is nature's folly for making her too fascinating a presence to resist, or mine for falling, over and over again, like an angel with no wings and no will to fly. But my suspicion is that I can't change my feelings, or at least not with any immediacy. They've stayed with me for years, in various forms, and it isn't easy to let go. In any case, they're the only slender, miserable reason I have. Recovering too quickly from that dream would make me feel like my actions were utterly futile and banal, even if that would be better for both of us. I am trapped in that kind of dilemma. So I've decided to run away from it. Sometimes, that's the sensible thing to do, because some stories are written in such away that there can be no happy ending.

* * *

I unlocked the door to my apartment and shoved it open, staggering through. I just about remembered to close the door behind me, kicked off my shoes, and headed for my bedroom. It felt a little too far away, so I gave up, dumping my bag unceremoniously on the floor and peeling my jacket off me and sticking it over a chair. After that, I fell onto the sofa and closed my eyes. It had certainly been too hot, but I can bear with that. For the most part, I was mentally exhausted, and I wanted to rest my head a little. Talking with Shizuru is tiring at the best of times, and not because she's a bad conversationalist. But you always have to watch her words, she can make a joke out of anything and the unwary will be mutilated by her capricious humour. I've learned how to hold her off, but it certainly requires attention. And that's not talking about the times when she becomes lyrical, metaphorical and indirect, alluding subtly to anything and everything that's on her mind and expecting you to follow the reference or wordplay. She has the voice of a poet, which can be nice but is mostly just obfuscating. It doesn't help that I have the ears of a soldier, who says and hears what is necessary, no more and no less.

And on top of that, things are now even harder. Those trailing sentences and brooding words, the tension and sensitivity, they all mean I need to focus and consider her feelings. Before, I let her do all the consideration, and just said whatever. I can understand why I did, as being conscientious is a pain in the ass. So much thinking. And that was the breaks! My head rang with words in different languages and altogether too much academic learning from someone who happens to be a very precise and exacting tutor. On top of that, she'd dragged me from bed that early in the morning. It wasn't exactly surprising that I felt a little worn out.

I also have a soldier's constitution, though, so it wasn't like I wasn't used to this kind of tiredness. It was pretty soft, compared to some times. Especially the orphan days. A day of school followed by a night of combat is very bad for you. It's no wonder I took the healthy option, skipped, and ended up in this position. A little lie down, though, and I would feel fine. It was good to relax after this kind of work, I think she told me once, it means your recall would be better. Or something. Even if she didn't say that, I'm going to take that advice.

I grabbed the magazine Shizuru had been reading earlier and flicking through it idly, looking for an article I hadn't read yet. Her words crept back to me, across space or time, and made me flush at the memory. Shizuru… has to make something out of anything. It's so embarrassing. But I guess I can understand, if I think about it. I mean, I can see why men would find it appealing. It's well done, at least. And I just need to look with those eyes, see it as Shizuru does, and then it makes sense. It's just a- weird- thought. On the other hand, it's a stereotype, isn't it? Dykes on bikes, or something. I've been called that, before. That's just bullshit that pisses me off as a woman. Yes, we can ride a bike. Get with the program. I imagine it's worse for actual lesbians. But don't they make something of it as well? I don't know, I'm not an expert. I wonder whether Shizuru's ever been called that kind of thing, though. If someone did that, I'd kick their ass. It has nothing to do with what she's done to me, or what I feel for her. Bullshit is bullshit. I doubt it's ever happened, though. She makes such a secret of it, and I guess I can understand why. I mean, heck, even I didn't know before the Carnival, and I was the one who knew her most. That kinda tells me what kind of friend I was, I suppose, but I've always been slow. Now I could revisit every moment and question it… but I won't. I'm going to let my memories be.

And my bike is my baby. I haven't taken her out as much I should, not now that I've been domesticated by Mai and Shizuru and don't need to meet with shady types in the darker part of town. I turned a page, frowning. Perhaps I should take her out tonight. Some fresh air and wind in my face could do me some good. Whenever life becomes too complicated- whenever Shizuru is around for more than a few minutes, in short- there's no way to throw unneeded thoughts out of my head like a good ride. I chuckled. Hopefully all those words and numbers wouldn't fall out with them. Wouldn't that be telling?

But there was also a nagging feeling that I was forgetting something, and sadly I was in my riding trousers and shrugging on my jacket when I remembered. Takeda's letter. I hadn't actually had a chance to deliver it, not after Shizuru kidnapped me at an early moment of the morning, and then I forgot all about it. That gave me the time to have some doubts about bothering at all. Wasn't it embarrassing? But I threw that out. Three more days, damnit. No time at all. That's why that declaration out of nowhere was so annoying in the first place. She could have given me fair warning! Though to be fair, I would just treat it as I do homework, and only get serious when there was hardly any time left. That wasn't the point. I was serious now, I'd have to be. So I'd go and deliver the damn letter. Considering he's also in the dorms, it'd take all of two minutes, then I could go for a ride.

I got out my boots, pulled them on, and left. It was a quick walk downstairs, past the doors… and then I hit on a problem, I couldn't remember which door he was offhand… but I remembered before I had to do anything so embarrassing as call Mai and ask. I fixed my eyes on the goal and strode purposefully towards it, sliding the letter out of my pocket. All good.

With retrospect, I was suffering from classic target fixation. Consequently, I jumped about two feet in the air when someone behind me said "Kuga!" Because I am myself, I also turned abruptly, lowered my centre of gravity and stuck my hand inside my jacket, fingers touching on where I'd taped my knife.

Takeda looked down at me in surprise. God looked down on me, cracked up, and ate popcorn happily. Would an angel please tell me exactly what I did or failed to do to deserve this? I'll go and talk to Nao the Nun, already, so stop being so godamn awkward to me!

I coughed, straightening slightly. "Yo, Takeda," I said nonchalantly. "This is a coincidence."

Okay, that didn't come across as very convincing.

"What are you doing down there?" he asked, initially too puzzled to blush. That comes after. Then he caught sight of what I was holding. "Is that-"

The letter. Which I'd crumpled badly when my fists balled. I stuck it awkwardly behind my back, standing abruptly and staring him down. "Nothing. You want to go in, right? I'll get out of your way."

"No, no, not at all." Takeda rubbed the back of his head, smiling uneasily. "H-how are you?"

Perhaps stabbing him wasn't such a bad idea after all. It would be quicker and kinder. "I'm fine," I said absently, mind racing. I could let him go in, then post it, but that would certainly make me look weak. And wouldn't it be cruel, considering? I'm pretty sure rejecting someone by letter is bad form as it is, but that would be worse. On the other hand, I can't just hand it to him…

"Oh. Good." He frowned, flushing slightly. "W-what's that letter?"

"Letter?" I asked, face twitching. "What letter?"

Well, my mind only works fast about gunshots and stabby things. You need Shizuru for this convincing lying business, and she was elsewhere. Even if she was here, she'd just laugh herself silly.

"The one behind your back," Takeda said, looking bemused.

I blushed, twitching again. This was bad. Handing it to him was no good, and if I spend that long finding the words on paper it would be completely hopeless trying to ad lib it. Am I allowed to read it out?

But his eyes fixed on my face. "Could it be-" he cut himself off abruptly, looking happier than I'd ever seen him before, and held out a hand. "Is that for me?"

Back to the wall. No escape. "Y-yes-" I admitted. Multiple past understandings played graphically through my mind. Oh, I'd been through worse. But if it's this clumsy guy-

"Then, can I have it?" Takeda pressed, looking like he'd seen the bright and hopeful light of an impending supernova heading straight for him.

"No!" I snapped automatically.

"No?" He blinked. "But-"

"Here," I stammered, taking it out from behind my back. "Look, I've crumpled it. I'll go and write a new one for you, so just forget it for now, okay?"

"No, this is fine," he said hastily, snatching it from me before I could say anything more. "You don't have to go to that kind of trouble…" He unfolded it and opened the envelope.

That moment definitely rated somewhere between "buggered" and "completely fucked" on the crisis scale. At that order of magnitude, retreat is the smart option. "Well, then, that was all," I said hastily, waving my hands. "I won't disturb you any more, so I'll get going-"

I tried to turn, but somewhere he found the courage to grab my hand by the wrist. "Please wait," he said earnestly, looking at me. I grimaced back, resigning myself to my dark fate.

As he unfolded the letter, I wished I'd made it longer. And more polite. And perhaps with a few preliminaries about his many wonderful qualities and about how it was me, not him, or something… there's probably a lesson in here somewhere.

His face abruptly fell, excitement collapsing as fast as it had come. "Kicking a puppy" is an adequate metaphor for most such cases, but it doesn't quite cover his face in that moment. "Shooting a puppy with a .44 magnum" would about cover his level of confused hurt and betrayal.

"I see…" he said at last, lowering the letter.

I fidgeted, trying to avoid eye contact. "Well, that's how it is… sorry…"

"You don't have to be sorry," Takeda said, waving hurriedly. "It's fine… I kinda saw this coming anyway…"

Why do I feel so guilty? He's right, of course, it can't be helped. It's natural. But I still feel in the wrong, somehow. It's something I have learned, though. Love is a serious business, as serious as life and death. "I'm sorry," I repeated, turning away. It's not like I can say 'let's just be friends', we were hardly even that.

"So, who's your most important person?" Takeda blurted, staring at me.

I stopped and blinked. "Huh?"

"Well, it says here… you don't have to reply, but…"

I tried to think of a good way to phrase the answer, and failed completely. I just shook my head.

"Could it be… Fujino-san?"

I stared at him with a mixture of shock and dismay. Where did _that_come from? "Why do you say that?"

Takeda flushed. "Well, you spend a lot of time with her… and I just wanted to say I'm totally cool with that… even though it's unusual… but I guess I'm wrong, sorry!"

I tried to work out a lot of things at once. Since when did he see so clearly? How could he say that so easily after I completely rejected him? And what the hell was I supposed to do? The situation's not simple…

But somewhere in the middle of his innocent face I found an idea, of a kind, a way of softening the blow. I smiled softly. "Yes. You're right, Takeda. So it really isn't your fault at all… it's me."

He blushed furiously. "Y-yes?"

I turned and waved over my shoulder. "See you later!" I said, running like hell. My cheeks burned. Why the hell did I say that for? Isn't that just going to cause misunderstandings? What if he spreads it around? Heck, what if Shizuru hears of it? I really need to start thinking before I speak…

But at least it was over. One problem transmuting into another aside, at least he understood the reason why I had to shoot him down. For the sake of my most important person.


	8. Chapter 8

**Windows of the Soul: Part Eight**

The letter, as I noted before, is based on nothing more or less than the fact that additional material threw it into the post-series canon to applease us Shiznat fans. And perhaps every cliche of the romance genre, of course.

Plot relevant material in my story? Unpossible.

* * *

The will to live.

The will to die.

They are balanced on the blade.

I flipped the tanto deftly between my fingers, watching light flash across the blade. My teachers always told me never, _never_to play with a weapon. It isn't simply a matter of danger. They had the skill, and gave me the skill, to play without ever being in more than a tangential danger. But even if they're out of their time, theoretical collector's items, my tanto, wakizashi, katana, naginata, all of them are weapons. They possess the will to live and the will to die. Cut, or be cut. Strike with the intent to kill, or die. No matter how technology moves on and guns put death at arm's discreet length, the ability of folded steel to violate the flesh remains absolute. You should not bear a sword without being willing to die by it. And you should never, ever regard it as a sport, or a game. It isn't something to laugh about. Hundreds of thousands died to the spirit of the blade, so it is an unkind god who you must always respect and fear.

I've gone too far to worry about that. Rather say I am now so much the sword god's servant that I can afford to laugh at my master. I have already damned myself unto him, so a little blasphemy won't change anything. Perhaps I disrespect the souls of the dead, but that's necessary right now. I am a child again, I must seriously consider whether I can follow this path. Do I possess the will to live, or the will to die?

I am more like my weapons than ever before. I have both, balanced on a thread of black hair.

One quick strike and it would all end. It's such a simple thing. It might even feel like justice. But that wouldn't change anything, either. As before, I feel no compulsion, no desire. It's just an academic interest. That's the reality of the blade.

Those who live by the sword must be willing to die for it. An absolute.

Would Natsuki understand, if explained all that to her? What if I told her exactly what she's sacrificing, by carrying that knife? Innocence is dead to those who live ready to fight and kill. But she isn't very spiritual, after all. She'd just say she'd take life over innocence, and it's hard to argue with that. Besides, it's a fairly weak point at the best of times. One of the few I have left. When I struck down two Hime, they had chosen to bear the blade. No one had forced them to accept that contract. And when the First District's soldiers fought back, they had already accepted their own deaths. Too bad about the others I can't explain away so neatly, save for the simple fact that they were in my way. The far side of the blade, an abstracted, assured dominance. 'I will exert my will' should not, must not, ever follow from 'I could exert my will'. But that happened to me. Natsuki is different, if it's her own life that she defends. What she's asking of me, though, is heavy. I don't make half promises. I may lie and cheat and deceive, but I still keep my word. That's easy. You just have to make sure no one asks you anything important.

If I accepted her words, I would be bound by the will to live. It is the will to live that kills. But I had promised, and it was her asking. Even if I was afraid, I would bear the burden of infinite sins for Natsuki. That aspect of my personality hasn't changed. And my hands weren't shaking. That sick strength, too, is still coiled inside, waiting to spring. No. I'm not afraid, exactly. It may sound arrogant, but that beast will always find a way to survive. Can I bear the price for her, though?

I brought the two halves of the dagger together smoothly, fingers splaying around the wooden frame. If it was for Natsuki.

I slipped the weapon inside the pocket of my jacket, knowing too well it was far longer than the proscribed length and not caring. I could deal with that, but I needed a real weapon to fight. After that, I brushed myself off and left the empty dojo, calling for my bag. Hideko brought it to me. "Will you be out all die again?"

I nodded. "Look after things here."

"Of course. Have fun, ojou-sama."

I waved back absently, walking away from my house and into the slanted half-light of morning. The weight of my dagger was a wordless accusation of guilt, but I forced the thought outwards, recomposing myself under the cloudless sky. To become what I need to become, I dismiss all weakness. Certainly the darkness I feel of an early morning. But, if I'm honest with myself, I didn't really have to force myself all that much. Ever since I was a child, I liked mornings like this, insofar as I liked anything. There is a promise in the air when you're moving before anyone else is, with a whole day before you to fill with interesting things. And, come evening, it has been another day, not a disappointment but no dream, just a moment in the life of Shizuru Fujino, something I could blink and accept with a genteel, half-absent smile. That kind of feeling. Even my days with Natsuki were like that, because ever since I met her I was yearning for something I couldn't place or realise, and the scraps of time I could horde with her were overshadowed by the promise of more time she always withheld from me. I eventually mistook my hazy indifference to the events of my life with maturity. Surely only kids could be truly happy about anything?

If nothing else, the Carnival brought me to life. For the first time, I felt true, utter, mortifying fear and absolute despair. Reeling from that feeling, I struck out blindly, and plunged everything around me into so much fire and chaos that my head span like a gyroscope, returning me to the blank equilibrium I'm so indefinitely used to. Yes, that 'mature' mindset could be held while butchering my foes with simple words. But at least it felt like something mattered in that time. I look forwards with dread of my pendulum self, despair-balance-satisfaction-balance-despair and bedtime, and back with mourning for those careless days. Having experienced everything, I don't feel immature by saying that indifference has a lot going for it. You only hurt people in small, indolent ways.

It was those feelings I brought unto myself as I walked quietly, lost in thought and memories.

After a while, I arrived, and looked up at Natsuki's flat thoughtfully. A second more to gather myself- should I say "Shizuru!"- and I reached for my phone, pulling it out and ringing Natsuki's number.

"_You're late, Shizuru." _

"Is that so?" I asked, blinking as Natsuki stepped out of the doors and walked straight towards me, coat on and bag over her shoulder.

"_Totally,"_Natsuki remarked, hanging up. "I hope you've already eaten!"

"Of course," I replied, returning my own phone to my pocket. "I wouldn't trouble Natsuki, as much as I still want to taste your cooking. But if I'm late, should I come earlier?"

"Don't you dare," Natsuki snapped, stopping in front of me. "Besides, this is the time on that timetable you've written up, right? It's practically official."

"It would be simple enough to change something like that, you know," I said, starting to walk.

She rolled her eyes, following. "Don't bother."

I smiled, looking ahead of me. "But you know, I'm impressed."

"Don't be. I can get up at a decent time as well, you know!"

"That's not it. I'm just impressed that they chose to do that, considering it's just homework I'm forcing you to do. You have an impressive commitment."

Natsuki flushed, looking away, and I giggled. "Well, that's… completely different. If you're going to mock me for getting up so late, I might as well prove you wrong. That's all there is to it."

"Is that so?" I asked, glancing at her with amused eyes. "Do my thoughts mean that much to you?"

The pendulum swung, moment by moment.

"Shizuru!" Natsuki protested.

"Ara," I said, touching my lips in amusement. "How flattering."

"Well, it's nothing like that," Natsuki muttered. "It's a matter of pride, you know. Something you have plenty of."

I just smiled and nodded, turning away. "Well, Natsuki flatters me so much with your beautiful comments…"

Natsuki groaned. "You know, only you could possibly get away with construing that as flattery…"

"Well, you're certainly acknowledging me," I said. "That's very sweet."

"Yes, yes. Let's leave it at that, as Mai would say," Natsuki remarked, rubbing her hair idly.

I glanced back at her, smiling affectionately. "If you like. Did you pack the right books?"

"Of course. Even I can read, you know." Natsuki glanced at me, frowning. "But you're looking tired again. Did you get enough sleep?"

Not really, because I stayed up for a while to meditate and mortify my own body with cold water in cold air? That wasn't exactly I reply I could use. "Ara, is that so?" I asked, smiling blandly and touching my face. "I suppose I shouldn't stay up so late reading after all…"

"Is that it? That's so very _you_," Natsuki said, sighing theatrically. "Aren't you normally the preacher? You should also look after yourself a bit more."

"Sorry, Natsuki," I said, with more sincerity than I'd intended.

She blinked. "Well, it's not like it's a big deal… it's your problem really."

I nodded, turning away, and cast around for another topic of conversation. Lying to her is also a necessary but unforgivable thing. "How about you? Did you do anything interesting last night?"

Natsuki flushed. "Uh… not really. I went for a ride…"

"Is that so?" I asked. "Was that fun?"

"Pretty much," Natsuki said, speaking more clearly. "It's good to feel the air, you know? Just walking isn't enough, though it's a good start for you. You're so pale as it is…"

"My skin burns very easily, I'm afraid. So it's not a lack of will which means I go out so little."

"Instead, you sit in the council room, drinking green tea. Or did." Natsuki folded her arms. "Even in winter."

"Well, in winter's it's cold outside," I said reasonably. "And I get cold very easily."

"Oh? And how about spring and autumn?"

"Hmm," I said, frowning thoughtfully. "Well, I don't like the feeling of crunching leaves under my feet. Spring is okay, though. I just think that the best springtime activity is sitting around the council room drinking green tea…"

"I see," Natsuki said slowly, shaking her head. "You're nothing if not consistent."

"Well, I'm out here now, aren't I?" I asked. "Isn't that enough?"

"We're going to the nice, indoor library," Natsuki argued. "Well, I'll grant there's no green tea."

"It's a better study environment," I said automatically.

"Yes, yes. I know, princess." Natsuki yawned, rubbing the back of her neck. "I'm just thinking that studying in the park would be nice, one of these days."

"Well, I'll think about," I said, shrugging. Personally, the idea of a park crowded with people, most of whom would know me, troubled me. But I suppose it could work, if I was willing.

"As ever, you take my jokes far too seriously and my serious moments far too lightly…" Natsuki said, stretching her arms.

"Well, doesn't it make things more fun?" I reasoned, smiling at her. "Besides, you take yourself far too seriously anyway."

"Oh? Is that so?" Natsuki asked, closing her eyes briefly. "Well, I learned it from you. It can't be helped."

"More flattery," I teased. "Do you think I'll go easy on you if you compliment me enough?"

"If it's accidentally bolstering your ego, that's like throwing mud at a wattle-and-daub wall," Natsuki said. "Completely redundant. You're already up there in the sky."

I smiled at the simile. "Not bad. Well, let's leave it at that."

"That's one-one," Natsuki remarked. "I just want to have that down on record."

It was eight-five by the time we reached the library, according to my count. Natsuki's a lot better now than she was before, but she still has a long way to go.

* * *

"In any case, it's not just a matter of ships sunk and casualties, though those things are important. There's a strategic element as well." Shizuru turned a page. "The concept that an eastern power could defeat a western one in war had not hitherto been considered... so we benefited from that perception. Japan began to be taken as an important power in the world."

"I suppose that figures," I said automatically.

"And of course, the opposite applied as well. Russia was regarded as a failing power that had been found out. Do you know the consequence of that?"

"Well, they'd be regarded as weak," I said bluntly. "That means they'd be more likely to be attacked by their enemies, Germany and whatnot. And it means we'd regard them as weak as well, and as we'd gained ground, we'd be less afraid to do so again. They'd be increasingly isolated."

"That's true," Shizuru agreed. "It was certainly very embarrassing for them. But how about internally?"

"Internally?" My brow wrinkled. "We'd be happy, they'd be annoyed. That's pretty much how decisive wars go."

"Of course. But in this instance that unhappiness lead to a slightly important year long rebellion in Russia. And we weren't very happy either."

I blinked. "Really?"

Shizuru nodded. "Presumably you missed those lessons. In Russia, disgust with the military failure contributed to the 1905 Revolution, leading to temporary concessions from their leadership. That contributed to the 1917 Revolution, as well."

"A dry run, as it were," I suggested flippantly.

"And for our part, the treaty terms were softer on Russia than we'd expected. No territorial gain, no economic reparations. The terms were soft due to American mediation, and we only kept half of Sakhalin Island rather than the whole after that intervention. So there were riots in many cities and in general the perception was that we'd been taken lightly, as an eastern power." Shizuru closed her eyes. "I'm sure you can perceive where that feeling went."

I nodded. "And were we?"

"Yes?"

"Were we being taken lightly?"

Shizuru shrugged. "Somewhat. But if it was America that might well have happened to anyone. There was a peace, if nothing else, which we also needed."

"I see…"

Shizuru opened the textbook and passed it to me. "Just there. Remember, the outcome and consequences is more important than the details of the war."

I nodded, finding the top of the page and starting to jot down some notes. Shizuru watched me for a few moments, then looked away absently, resting her chin on one of her hands. Her book was forgotten by her side. The posture was strangely birdlike, as if she was going to stir and flutter away. And there was a gentle fragility in her thin, defined limbs and aquiline face. I've never seen it myself, but they say that even the noblest, strongest birds are easily broken. They must be that light, in order to fly, but it doesn't take much to snap their wings and leave them thrashing on the ground.

Or something. Pretty words aren't a strong point of mine. I looked away before Shizuru saw me looking at her, but apparently she was absent again anyway. Sometimes it feels like her mind has only a tangential interest in her body.

I tried to focus on my work, but it was difficult, what with the princess staring out of her window all the time. Metaphorically speaking, of course. That's the thing about princesses. Objectively, they're pretty and pretty useless, rich bitches that take resources away from the poor who need them most for vain luxury. But, at the same time, they were often quite popular with the people, or so they'd have you think anyway. Perhaps because even peasants need an idol and a dream. Perhaps it was easier to bear the weight of the heavens on your shoulders, when you knew you were supporting someone beautiful and kind and outstanding, a perfectly formed human who expressed the uppermost potential of your kind. In a way, it was so that someone like that could be. People talk about equality a lot, but the only equality would be if everyone was equally poor, and no one has ever asked for that. Some people argued that they could make a world where everyone was equally rich, but I don't believe in that. Two plus two do not make five, and that won't change however much the human spirit struggles. So we struggle to narrow the gap, but always those below look up. If they can see something there, they can imagine themselves to be part of it. Even for me, I dare dream a little about having such a lazy, easy life. If it were I, I doubt I would be noble enough to be guilty about it, though.

You think about these things a lot, if you know Shizuru at all.

But really, it's something simpler than that. It's something more complex than 'beauty', though, even though she is beautiful as well. Elegant brown hair falling about her, soft, expressive facial futures, intense but distant eyes, long, curled eyelashes, a thousand details I catch out of the corner of my eye. But it's in the posture, not the face. She bears herself in a certain way, even when she's looking bored and distracted. I suppose you'd call that quality 'nobility'. She has a noble aura.

This girl who betrayed my body and my trust, as good as killed two girls she knew and slaughtered who knows how many people she did not.

Nobility is bullshit. A wonderful illusion that tells you, despite all common sense, that your superiors are superior. The reality is that they aren't, for the most part. Often, they're worse. And a nice posture doesn't have anything to do with the soul.

I should have known, but I was younger before, in a way that has nothing to do with my age.

A flicker of her bloody eyes brought me back to the world, and I flushed slightly, leaning down and theatrically busying myself with my notes. Shizuru did nothing to indicate that she'd noticed the flourish. Perhaps she really hadn't, but if it's her, I doubt that. Most likely she just chose to ignore me. There are these moments as well, now. She can become so cold. It isn't anything like before, when she could occasionally blink or stare or look away, seeing things I did not. This time, there's a heaviness to it. For the most part, I ignore it. If she wants to think, she can feel free. I'm not so needy that I want her attention all the time. Just as long a she's away from Kanzaki, anyway.

It's too bad that she's told me to skip out on my favourite parts of history. Wars are fascinating, and practical knowledge. Sure, the outcome of a war has a huge impact on future events, and it's natural someone politically minded like Shizuru would focus on that. But it kinda underestimates the importance of the soldiers and generals who made that outcome happen at all. We can't really take that for granted. What if Jackob Meckel had never helped the Japanese military modernise? Would the outcome be different? Would the war happen at all? If it's Shizuru, she tends to see past things like that. Apparently, she was the same on the student council. She led, but she left details and enforcement and whatnot to Haruka, who was all too eager to be her unintentional bulldog. She's an explosive presence, but I'll give Haruka credit for getting things done. I suppose I'm the same kind of person. I never really cared why the First District betrayed me, or why I had been given these powers, or what 'your most important thing was' in the squirt's speech, or just what Shizuru found so special about me, or anything like that. I'm a practical person, and I play the cards I'm dealt without stopping to wonder who decided we were going to play poker. Shizuru, of course, is the other kind of person. Brilliant and questioning the meaning and significance of things far away, but not so hot on anything under her nose. Another reason why she's a princess.

Between us, there's a normal person. No, we're better than that at what we do. Between us, there's a genius. Too bad we've never teamed up.

It's funny, though, how sometimes I feel like I can't start thinking about something without it coming back to her.

It's her presence, I think. It's impossible to ignore Shizuru, when she's by your side. That's why she doesn't need to speak, she has your attention anyway. Or something.

I finished on the war itself, and started on her favourite, what happened after. As far as I know, the examiners agree with her. It can't be helped. Now, Shizuru would wonder why they agree with her, but I don't care.

When I looked up, she was looking at me, face softly sad. She smiled when I saw her, nodding and turning away.

I still don't understand her, even though she's very close to me. And more importantly, I still don't understand her feelings, which breaks a promise of mine made to others and to myself. But Shizuru is too much of a mystery for mere good intentions to bring comprehension. It reminded me of that, as well, an unfortunate fact that made me flush. That had been altogether too embarrassing. She's important to me, the most important person, but I might as well say that I'd love to read the Dead Sea Scrolls. Intentions aren't exactly enough. If it was her, too, in that situation, she'd have wondered why he'd liked her. I never really stopped to think about that. I don't know him very well, so I don't have any clear answers. I just worked out how to deal with it, but I'm not even sure I got that right. Would she has said something that reckless? I'm not sure.

I mean, what are her feelings on that? I mean, I've never heard her outright lie about it, but she certainly didn't do anything to suggest the truth, either. Oh, things were said about her habit of hanging around impressing younger girls. Things were even said about me, and I dismissed them out of hand, _knowing_that Shizuru's friendship had nothing to do with stuff like that. Impossible that someone like Shizuru could be gay. I had so many happy certainties, back then. But no one had gone so far as to ask directly, as far as I know. That would be far too vulgar. Knowing her, she'd probably just laugh, as well. And then there was that rumour, the suggestion that her and Kanzaki had something, whether it was him crushing on aloof her or her crushing on playboy him or mutual attraction or puppy love or dating or anything else. They were naturally together a lot, and they had the same manner, and they talked in the same way. There's also a natural desire for princess and princes to marry. It took quite a while for even more to work out that those rumours were so much nonsense. Of course, neither of the two did anything much to discourage the rumours. That's their style. But as far as I know, and I should know, Shizuru never dated anyone, of either sex. That was a little surprising in itself, as plenty of guys and not a few girls would jump at the chance. Insofar as I thought about it before, I just assumed that was her way. She might be saving herself for marriage. Heck, she might be promised and engaged, ever since she was a child. Or else she was just being aloof, as she was prone to doing. But I never got much further than that.

My pen stopped moving. As ever, I have not become more enlightened since that day. Infinite suspicion does not tell me anything constructive, so I don't know what to think. And those words I spoke to Takeda lingered in my mind as well, along with the promise I made.

"Hey, Shizuru." The words left my lips before I could stop them, though I flushed and regretted them almost immediately.

She turned and looked at me again, all genteel softness. Unimaginable to think that those sweet eyes could destroy armies. "Yes, Natsuki?"

"Uhh…" If it was Shizuru, perhaps she could come up with a placebo question. I'm not Shizuru. "Do you mind if I ask a personal question?"

She frowned slightly, nodding. "Please feel free. I will answer as honestly as I can."

"Well, just how did… just when did… I mean…" I groaned. "When did you work out that you were gay, and what was that like? Or are you bisexual, or something, when I stop to think about it… if that isn't too personal…" I waved a hand, looking away and blushing furiously. "You don't have to answer… no, forget it."

Shizuru stared at me, then nodded. "I see. Well, that is very personal for me. It's not really something I'm proud of." She turned her head slightly, frowning. "But, if it's you, I should say. Only once, though."

I just nodded, amazed that I'd gotten away with it.

"Even if you ask for a specific date, I can't give you one," she said quietly. "And if it's a specific event, or a thought, or a moment, or anything… I don't have dramatic answers. But I guess I could begin by saying that I'm not bisexual. Always and only girls, even though I tried very hard to develop a natural kind of behaviour, until even I had to accept that truth. There are some unfortunate truths that no one can change."

I frowned, trying to say something, but she carried on without noticing. "For the longest time, I just didn't feel anything, or I suppose I made myself do that," Shizuru said. "I assumed that I was developing slowly, in behavioural terms, even as my body matured. Well, it didn't bother me. I couldn't imagine being moved as other people were, in such unsightly ways, even as I made sympathetic noises and pretended I understood… but I couldn't associate that with me." Shizuru glanced sidelong as me, smiling. "You were a very rude awakening, Natsuki."

I blushed, looking down at the table. "Shizuru!"

"Well, if I think about it, you weren't the first to move me," Shizuru said thoughtfully. "I liked looking at cousin Kaede, though I thought that was platonic admiration. And others, too. Even after I met you, things weren't straight-forwards. I fell into a wonderful kind of friendship with you. There was nothing better for me than spending time with you, though you probably didn't realise I thought that. I was careful to always sound busy, always chancing to see you." She chuckled. "How did I do?"

I frowned. "Pretty good…"

"That's nice. In reality, whatever you thoughts, I loved being around you. I wasn't sure why, but things became like that, over time. Your clumsy awkwardness, your hard expressions, your challenge, your wit, your intelligence, your rare smiles…" Shizuru stopped abruptly. "Well, I enjoyed that."

"I-" also felt that way. "See," I finished lamely.

"I'm sorry. Well, gradually, I began to notice the things that didn't match up, in my thoughts and feelings and actions and reactions." Shizuru turned her head. "I won't specify. But it was a matter of concept. I knew broadly… the nature of sexuality, and the existence of lesbians. It wasn't spoken of much at home. I didn't think about it much, either. But once or twice, I had to speak to people like that, as president and as myself. At first they were strange, but then abruptly they were ordinary. I didn't hate them. It had nothing to do with me. After a while, though, my mind finally caught up with my body…" She closed her eyes, falling silent.

"I understand," I said, wishing feverently that I hadn't started such an excruciatingly awkward conversation. "I guess that's like everyone, if it's puberty-"

"You know, I hated it."

I blinked. "Shizuru?"

She glanced at me, her eyes wry and sad. "If it was me, I would probably hate sexuality at any price. The loss of control, the dominant, unintelligent feelings, all those things cut against the very meaning of my name. Of my life."

"As a Fujino," I suggested. "Was it really that bad?"

"But being gay was… different. It was wrong. An imperfection." She looked away. "I had the most horrible, selfish feelings. All my life, I've fulfilled expectations, it became my reason for being… I'm beautiful, intelligent, graceful, strong, I know all that, I'm used to having my way with nature… the idea that someone like me could be so fundamentally flawed was shocking. It couldn't be right."

"You know," I said slowly. "I'm surprised."

Shizuru didn't say anything. I wasn't sure whether she remembered my presence.

"I'd always thought someone like you would accept yourself without flinching," I continued uneasily. "Without thinking such stupid, arrogant things."

"Well, I'm not what I seem," Shizuru said. "You know that." She twisted her neck to avoid my eye. "I didn't accept it, and I spent a long time fighting it. I thought of everything I could. I even went on a date with Kanzaki-san, because other girls said he was handsome and everyone said I was dating him anyway. It was-" she twitched. "Horrible. I almost cried. I think he understood, then, but he didn't say a word. He knew I wouldn't just accept someone telling me what I already knew. After a while, I gave up on trying to change."

"When was that?"

"After I became president. Before I accepted Kiyohime."

I frowned, not knowing when the latter had even happened. I decided not to ask.

"But you know, ever since that day, I made another decision," Shizuru said quietly. "I'd lock those feelings away. If I couldn't be right, I'd be sexless. That would be enough. I could hide my flaws, at least. I have always done that." She glanced at me, eyes craving acceptance. "For Natsuki, too, because I knew you could never accept such a love-"

I was as afraid as I'd been on that night. But I am Natsuki, who deals with small things. "Idiot," I said sharply. "What did you think that was going to do?"

Shizuru just blinked.

I sighed, closing my eyes. "You really are an idiot. It's disappointing, that you could be so childish. It's hard even for me to accept." I leaned forwards, frowning at her. "Those were your feelings. What you thought about them doesn't matter, you should have been true to them. That was your nature, which you should have accepted. You can't just reject it all, that would have been obvious even to me…"

She frowned. "But, for me," she began. "As a Fujino-"

"Which has nothing to do with it. Shizuru is Shizuru." I didn't even know what I was saying at that point, so I just said whatever came into my head, leaning back, folding my arms, and faking confidence in my words. "You can't be perfect. But you don't have to be ashamed, either. Even if I would come to hate you, that would be better than what happened. Mai once said, our feelings are like children…" She said no such thing, of course. "They will grow over time, as they're treated. Hating yourself like that, would make for a hateful, angry child."

"Kiyohime," Shizuru said softly.

I blinked, having completely missed that angle. "Well, yeah. But listen, I don't know where you got that crap about imperfection and flaws into your head… but it's all crap. Only an idiot like you would hate you for those feelings."

"But," Shizuru said uncertainly. Just that.

"I'm less stupid than you, now if not before. I'm glad of them, those feelings of yours." I closed my eyes, trying to keep my composure for the last few sentences. "And now I know that they're the important feelings of my most important person. So, I want to understand them. I'm not promising anything, except that." I opened my eyes again, glaring at her. "But I won't let you hate yourself for something I'm glad of. That's not something I can forgive."

"Natsuki…" She looked at me with such wide, sorrowful and grateful eyes that for a moment I was sure she was going to break down and cry in front of me. That was the most frightening thing at all. But a weak smile found her lips and she drew herself inwards. "Ara," she said, in a butterfly parody of herself. "You've rather seen the unsightly side of me…"

"Idiot." I threw my arms around her neck.


	9. Chapter 9

**Windows of the Soul: Part 9**

Thanks for the reviews, all. Touching on a note raised in them, I consider myself a father to my characters. That means I will protect them and look after them. But it also means I have to be a little harsh, so they can grow. Do I get the balance right? I don't know, but they haven't tried to kill me just yet. And being a better father than Natsuki's actual father would be easy enough anyway.

My poor children.

* * *

Warm arms.

There's a fear in it. Loss. Loss of control. I am myself who must not lose control. Impossible. To her face. In her arms. She's seen everything, ugly things. That which I hide. She's warm. It's hard, not to completely lose myself. Why such cruelty? And such memories. In her arms. Stabbed in the chest. It feels like that now. My eyes are wide open but there's little I see. Forgiveness and grace, for such an unpleasant thing, is nonsensical. Hard to bear. I'm wavering, stumbling, trying, trying to control the tide of feeling. Regrets. Memories. My disgust, with myself and my feelings in this moment. More than pretty words can change. These overwhelming feelings. Silky hair brushes my cheek. That rough, animal scent. Her strong arms around my shoulders. Impulses. It's a cascade, I collapse in a tide, I could break, shatter in her arms. There's a fear in it. I cannot. No more confessions, no more words. Too much to lose, too much to control. She's suffocating me with kindness. I'm broken, crying inside, wavering, weak, child, without control of her motion or my own. Her innocence. It reduces me so much. I can't. Impossible. Drowning. Somehow, anyhow, I must. Must regain myself. I can't simply fall apart.

"Kiyohime." My voice was cold and cruel, lingering on the words.

And I pushed her away.

Her face was shocked, afraid, hurt, slashing me, because I knew I'd recalled in an instant everything in her that was a fear of me. But that was fine. I can deal with her hatred and fear far more readily than her kindness. "Is that what I could have said," I said abruptly. I could feel the demon flowing through me, burning away my unspilt tears. It's always my infinite cruel strength. "The last time I was in your arms. I have very mixed memories of our embrace."

"Shizuru…" She's shocked and betrayed.

I am unendingly selfish and cruel. But like this, I had a strength, of a kind, a brittle and barbed dignity. I could recall myself. I would not cry. "Well, then. We were looking at the Russo-Japanese war, no?"

For a moment her face twisted in such hurt and hate and anger. Abruptly, she too fell inwards, concealing the wound, drawing her dignity together like her pursed, tense lips. Wolfcub pride, my magnificent Natsuki. "That's right," she said steadily.

"Then we can do some English next. It's good to mix things up."

Her eyes were filled with disgust, controlled by considerable effort of will. I stared calmly back, exterting my own will. She could see the anger and the spite, and come to hate me, but I certainly had to hide the pain and fear. My heartbeat subsided as I reconstructed myself, moment by moment. Come heaven or hell, I will not allow myself to collapse. I can't afford it. That path is an endlessly self-destructive fire, flames she raked with her approximate cruel kindness. Her warmth and her smiles aren't enough to still that tide of me, so we look at each other with this subtle, hard mutual incomprehension. It is probably impossible for us to understand each other.

For a moment, I was sure that she would storm out. But she just nodded curtly. "I got it. That's why we're here, right? So let's get on with it."

I nodded. "You missed studying housework. We can do that now. It's fairly straight-forwards…"

And so my life continues. My heart still beats. My mouth still steals breath. My eyes still see. I continue to hurt Natsuki, over and over, simply for my own selfish hates and fears. This is becoming an inevitability with only one way out, the path I have sworn never to take, no matter how tempting it seems.

* * *

I don't think. There would be no purpose in thinking right now. That's something I've come to realise. For all those cute stories where being true to your feelings and making them your strength is the right path, real life isn't so convenient, and people aren't so strong, and emotions aren't so innocent. Pursuing the wrath and hate of my revenge for ten years, I blinded myself to the truth and ended up achieving nothing at all. Chasing me with those same emotions in mind, over and over, Nao was cut down and lost the one thing she cared about in this world. Letting her true emotions have free reign for the first time in her life, Shizuru became a demon and destroyed everything she touched. And those are just those most familiar to me, from those days. Anger. Hate. Fear. Love. Protectiveness. Self-hate. Yukino. Shiho. Yukariko. Mikoto. Even Mai. There were very few Hime who could stand against that tide, and those who did died violently to the feelings that overwhelmed us at that time. It's only human, because humans are weak. So even though I'm overflowing with more emotions than I can count right now, I won't acknowledge them. I won't let them show. When I was younger, I simply channeled my natural coldness and contempt for the world, all the time. Shizuru began to teach me her self-control, by example. And I'm becoming increasingly aware of the fact that she is still emotionally strangled the other way, with no sincerity or trust. Even now, for both of us, it's the same shitty pride.

Just now, too, I have no idea whether I did the right thing she took the wrong way or the wrong thing she responded fairly too. But I didn't deserve that. Whatever the hell I'm supposed to have done to her, betraying her pride or interfering in her personal life or whatever else, I did not deserve that. But that's irrelevant. Don't think. Just breathe. Bear with the emotions that threaten to choke you, and let them subside slowly. Even if a dam is filled with water, it doesn't have to burst. This is the same principle. And when they've been purged, you yourself are left, and your thoughts can be clear. Only then can you work out what is what in this fucked up world.

Christ. I'm not a fucking nun. Unlike Nao who may well be one by now. I'm no good at this stuff. But I can think about it. For my part, I'm a bundle of tangled emotions. I'm angry, obviously. But there's also a feeling of rejection. Shame, in a way, that my good intentions were rejected so violently. And sorrow, for similar reasons. But it's more complicated than that. I'm sorry for myself, damn right, but for her as well… when I think about them, the things Shizuru said made me sad. I never quite understood, before, the extent of her confusion and self-loathing. Prompted by the thought, I glanced at her, and was unsurprised to see that distant gaze. Yes, I was all too eager to make a saint or an angel of her before. I was doing that just now, too, with all of my stupid thoughts. Princess indeed… Shizuru's deepest, darkest secret is that she's as small as anyone else, more twisted than most and full of unreconstructed contradictions, completely suppressed by her iron mask. She's suffocating, and I can see that. It gives me a little understanding. But there's still hate. I hate her, for acting like this, destroying herself and me in such a pointless, stupid way. And, just a little, myself. For my words that never reach her. For my good intentions that never come true. I can never realise in time, say the right things, touch her in the right way to protect her from herself. That may be completely impossible for me, so there's a despair as well. I had hope, and she destroyed it again. Is there really anything to be done, or is she just that broken, and me just that inept?

But I'm also angry. Angry. Damn well pissed off beyond all belief, because Jesus Fucking Christ can't this girl just accept anything I say for her without turning it on its head, slapping me in the face, and staring down at me with her patronising gaze, just because it endangers her superiority complex? At times, she's a spoiled brat. Or is it more true to the say that she's always a spoiled brat, she just hides it?

And then there's fear. A fear that has nothing to do with consequences, or emotions, or the future for us or anything like that. The fear that is connected to the name "Kiyohime". For a moment, I was genuinely terrified. She said it so coldly and strongly that I thought she really could call her Child to her side. I can't consider that impossible, if it's Shizuru. Her chaotic, destructive emotions have such a power that nothing is beyond them. But she wasn't calling anything so simple as a squid-snake demon, when she said that. She was invoking the shadows of the past and pressing them against my forehead, or perhaps her own. Every time she killed for me. The last time when I killed her in my arms, the point isn't lost on me. Is a demon just a demon, after all? Should I just give up and accept that even this late in the game, Shizuru will never give me anything but pain?

I might believe that, if it wasn't for the fact that her iron mask wasn't complete. It was shattered on the floor, and even I could see the sadness in those eyes.

"What's this word mean again?" I asked dully, pointing. "I don't remember that one."

Shizuru gave me an incomprehensible look, then took the book from me and glanced at it. Keeping her distance. "Let's see… this one?"

Don't sound so calm. "Nevermind, I remember," I said curtly, snatching my book back.

She just nodded and turned away again.

We spent the next five minutes in more-or-less silence, while I did some actual work for a change. It was a good distraction. Shizuru didn't do anything very much, either. She can think for so long, without doing anything else or even moving much, that sometimes I've wondered whether or not the tea is just for decoration, and that she lives on thought alone. That wouldn't surprise me. The problem is my utter inability to work out what it is she's thinking, as she clings to inscrutability like a security blanket. And then there's the increasingly apparent fact that whatever she's thinking, it's probably wrong. It's the nature of overanalysis, which is dangerous as not thinking enough. What was she doing during the Carnival, while I was running around bashing Orphans, charging Nao, and generally acting fecklessly? Just sitting and thinking? We're like ying and yang. Or matter and anti-matter, if you like. That metaphor is feeling increasingly appropriate.

I checked my watch. It was about ten past ten. Lunchtime was a long, long way away.

Perhaps I could do some thinking instead.

The problem. There is always a problem. Shizuru is… Shizuru… and she's done some things that weren't justified, and some things that definitely weren't proportionate. But she isn't mad. She's just… extreme. Extreme, self-destructive self-control. And an equally extreme, equally dangerous release from those bindings. For everything she's done, there's always been a reason, party her fault, partly mine, and partly this fucked up world that pits teenage girls against each other with godlike powers at stake. At first, I thought she was insane and horrifying. But after a while, it clicked in my head, and I began to see the contradictions in her that had been there all along, just out of sight. With that understanding, I found the strength to fight again. But that's not the point. She's not ill, she's hurt, she's not broken, she's damaged. Shizuru is not mad. I absolutely have to believe in that. And because of that truth, there has to be a reason. A problem. Even if I want to punch her pretty face in right now, I can also recognise that.

I don't really get it, either. But seeing her gentlest side and her cruelest side just now are both to do with me. And to do with her. The two things are tangled up, yin and yang again. I think I prefer the more optimistic interpretation, after all. "But, you know, it's funny," I said in a controlled way. My mind moved ahead, tracing a trajectory. This time, I'd think things through.

Shizuru tilted her head slightly. "Hmm?"

"Even now, I don't know much about housework. Even though I live alone, and have done for so long, all my skills are for surviving, not living well or prettily. It's so different from Mai, even though she has the same kind of background."

Shizuru scowled subtly, looking at me suspiciously. She looked like she was trying to work out the trick. "Well, Mai-san has Takumi-kun, doesn't she? It may be natural for someone to look after a sibling better than they would themselves alone."

I drew a little satisfaction from that face of hers. It gave me a chance, and I knew how to deal with it. "That's certainly true," I agreed. "And Mai does have that maternal instinct. Well, I never had anything like that." I turned the page, scanning the next list of words. "How about you? Do you have anyone like that? I know you have no siblings, but perhaps a younger cousin or something?"

She frowned, eyes narrowing. "No. Not really."

I chuckled, smiling thinly. "Well, that figures. I wonder whether it would have been better for me to have one, though. It would get in the way, and the me as I am now would never be able to deal with it, but… that's the point. I'd be a different person, if I had that influence."

Shizuru appeared to consider this. "Well, perhaps. But I don't know whether you should think like that. It would be hard on this hypothetical sibling, and hard on you as well."

"Like Mai and Takumi. Well, that's true. Siblings kinda exist for themselves, not to develop the character of their sisters." I closed my eyes. "And someone who knew me and needed me would only be endangered. Perhaps things are still best like this. And you? Would you like a sibling?"

"Not really. I wouldn't know them any more, unless they came here."

"And for your part?" I asked. "Would that change your character or actions?"

Shizuru gave me a composed, guarded look. "Probably not. It would just be another person…"

To treat like this. She thinks she's got it, so I move on. "But my parents talked about that, I think. Whether or not they should have another child."

Shizuru blinked. "Oh?"

She's weak, like this. When Shizuru is at her strongest, you don't even know when she's suspicious and when she's surprised. She's smiling and genteel throughout. If I can see her emotions on her face, then she's weak and vulnerable. "My father thought it wouldn't be a bad idea. He cited studies and things. But my mother was against it. It was probably a point of tension between them."

"That's classic," Shizuru remarked, with a shadow of her wry humour.

"But I don't actually know whether that's true," I added abruptly. "It's a funny thing. I was so young, then, and I knew them so little… when they were gone, I used to fantasise about how they treated me. The things they said. The games we played. In my mind, they were wonderful parents. I can't tell, now, how much of my memories are real, and how much of it is my preferred fantasy."

Shizuru nodded.

I shrugged. "Well, they were terrible parents, after all. In stories there's always a memory, of warm arms, comfort, smell… I don't have anything like that. Nothing real and tangible in my memory."

"That must be hard," Shizuru said softly, all kindness.

"You don't know anything about it," I said sharply. "The sentiment's nice, but if haven't experienced it, then it's meaningless."

Shizuru frowned sharply. "Is that so?"

I glared at her. "No. That's bullshit. You can sympathise and imagine it, even if you haven't experienced it yourself. So I'll thank you for that sentiment."

As I thought, she was surprised, though she made no more of it than a flicker on her eyes. But I think she understood. "You're welcome, if it's fine to you."

"I'd be churlish to reject something like that." I closed my eyes briefly, looking away and imitating her favourite position. "It isn't a very easy feeling, though. I was always completely alone, so I always cried alone. There wasn't ever anyone who I could safely trust with my tears."

"Is that so?" she said, more subtly now. There was a grudging understanding in her tone. Not just of what I was saying, but what I was doing.

"Well, I'm being dramatic again. Is that ever true? There's always someone, eventually. But after a while, I made a habit of it." I shrugged again. "Being a teen in a flat wasn't as great as everyone says, either. Oh, I was at the dorms. But it's not like I had friends."

"I presume it's better now, with Mai-chan around?" I noticed the return to form.

"Somewhat. Though she can be a pain in the ass at times, as well. She's only human." I glanced at Shizuru, frowning. "It certainly took me a long time before I trusted her with anything, but in the end I had to entrust everything to her. I'm not sure whether or not I should be grateful."

"I'm sure Mai-chan is good for you," Shizuru said, with glorious hypocrisy. "She's a good person, like you say, and kind."

"Well, it can be tiring." I glanced at her, pushing my hair up with my left hand. "Those things tire me out, after a while. Probably because I became so accustomed to being alone, in my head at least. You're the same, aren't you?"

Shizuru shrugged, a strange gesture from her. "I can't very well hide my true nature from you."

I laughed. "If you say so."

She looked away again, red eyes blinking softly. "I am, we all are, what we are taught to be. I am something unusual and unkind. I can enjoy social interaction only on my own terms, which is more sinister than simply disliking them all."

"I, and everyone else, could really care less about 'sinister', after everything you've done," I said. "You, or not you, or anything else… that's a different question from what I'm actually talking about. You find talking with you true self tiring."

"Well, I have more reason for avoiding it than you." Shizuru looked at me directly, with her mouth set. A determined face. "What I just said matters because betraying expectations is unkind."

I frowned. "Isn't that why you should be honest?"

Shizuru frowned. "Did I ever tell you why I became student council president?"

I blinked, shaking my head. Was that just a distraction?

"Well, what do you think?"

I considered briefly, running over various options. Popularity… she had anyway, without interest in it. To spite Haruka? But she's never really resented Haruka, as far as I can tell. Certainly not out of a sense of responsibility, she has none. Unless. "Because it's expected of a Fujino?" I asked speculatively.

Shizuru shook her head. "Not that, for once. Well, it isn't important, really. Not something I can say."

I sighed, wondering whether she was trying to annoy me. "Oh? Is that so?"

"But I'll tell you something good." She rested her chin on her hands again, looking away. "Why I stayed in the shadows for so long. Why I never used my powers for anyone but myself."

I nodded uncertainly, lost again. That probably meant she was getting better.

"My Child's name was Kiyohime, that unpleasant young man said." Shizuru's face was tired. "Do you know the Kiyohime myth?"

"Nope," I said. "There was one?"

"Kiyohime was a maid, who loved a monk. But after a while, he spurned her and fled, remembering his duty. She was heartbroken." Shizuru kept her voice flat. "And so, betrayal turned her love to anger and she learned black arts. Turning into a dragon, she came after her lover. Terrified, he hid under a bell. She killed him with her fire."

I stared, trying to find my voice. "I see…"

"It was an ill-omened name, if it was to be the weapon of someone harbouring an unhealthy love. So even though I accepted that contract, I didn't move. I was sure in my mind that if I did anything, it would end badly for you. That was the inevitable fate weighing me down." Shizuru laughed unpleasantly. "Well, fate is fate. In time, it conspired to give me no choice, and things unraveled. But it was a good name. Kiyohime."

"What happened to her?" I asked quietly.

Shizuru blinked, shifting her attention towards me again. "Sorry?"

"What happened to Kiyohime, after the monk was dead?" I looked at her. "She wouldn't be happy just with that, would she? Did she kill herself, or was she slain, or did she live on in mourning?"

"I don't know," Shizuru replied quietly. "The story doesn't specify."

"What a careless ending," I said, frowning. "Isn't that the most interesting part of the story?"

Shizuru shrugged. "Perhaps she did remain, and ended up fighting for a stupid child… I like thinking that, a little. It's a continuity of sin."

Is this on her own terms? Is it okay, if it's like this? I still don't understand her thought process at all. "Well, it wasn't just a simple thing. That monk was irresponsible, as well."

"Surely it was natural, rejecting her like that?" Shizuru asked.

"Yes. But he never took responsibility. I mean, when she came, he went and hid. That's just pathetic." I looked her in red eyes, as I did on that day. "Even if he was facing a dragon made of her enraged love, he should have faced it down. Whatever little power he has, he still has to take responsibility for those feelings. That's what I'd have done, if I were him."

Shizuru glanced at me, looking surprised. "You're a very strong person… certainly. I wonder why I thought I needed to protect you. I shouldn't have accepted at all."

"Then I'd have died. I wasn't strong, and I'm still not. I didn't understand my past, my feelings, and what was most important to me. If I've come this far, even after everything…"

"It was under your power. The difference between you and that monk." Shizuru was looking proud and fragile again. "For my part, I would like to have spoken to Kiyohime, if it was really her. But perhaps it was just a nice, stolen name for a strange beast, after all."

"It's a little funny, though," I said daringly. "But if it's you, weren't you the monk? Until the very last moment, you didn't believe in yourself or your feelings at all. You saw yourself as a dragon before anything had happened, but you didn't fight that. You didn't tell me your feelings, or fight, or challenge fate."

"Well, I do think the outcome justified my logic," Shizuru replied quietly.

"That's abandoning responsibility," I said sharply. "If you had believed… I'm sure things would have been different."

"That's not what I meant." Those red eyes that steal thought and breath. "I didn't tell you my feelings, because from the start, I knew you were pure. My weakness was unforgivable, but that decision was the right one. I still maintain that."

And she spoke with such strength and conviction in her voice, when she said those word. I knew I should shout at her, argue, prove to her just how wrong she is, but the enormity of that task stole my breath. I'm a fighter, but even I can't just fight endlessly. I need to know she has my back, even if it's only a little. I can't just do it alone, not with her like this. So I'll let it be.

"Hey, Shizuru," I said tiredly, leaning on one of my hands. "What do you want?"

Shizuru frowned, but when she looked at me there was no cold scorn any more. Just that infinite sadness again. "From what?" she asked quietly.

"From me. From this. From everything… from life, I don't know." I stared at the page. "I don't get it. What do you want? What do you need from me? Just what am I supposed to do?"

"I just want Natsuki to be happy," Shizuru looked away, "would be a beautiful lie. I have no answers. I will look after myself. Natsuki should look after herself, which probably means-"

"If you're telling me to stop worrying about you and get on with my life, tell the sun to stop rising," I snapped. "I care for you, so help me god, and that won't change however petulant you get. If I could change that part of myself, I would."

"And for my part, I would also change that in you, as well…" Shizuru turned away. "What I want, you cannot give. Even if you could, I can't accept it as I am now. And what you want from me, I can't give, for as long as those feelings remain. There is a such a gulf between us."

"As if I care about crap like that," I said with feeling. "But I don't get you, Shizuru. Even though I'm trying to understand. You won't let me understand."

"I don't understand myself, or perhaps there's nothing to understand-"

"Enough bullshit." I scowled. "I can't deal with it right now."

"Then just accept that I can't tell you what you want to know. Or I won't. Hate me for that if you will." Shizuru shrugged, and said nothing more than that.

Shizuru is so… so many things. So kind. So cruel. So calm. So angry. So content. So unhappy. So serene. So turbulent. So controlled. So angry. So arrogant. So self-destructive. She's so damn messed up, it's more than I can bear by myself. But it's not just me, either. There's her as well. Or, it should be like that. In reality, it's her I'm fighting.

It's funny to think of now, but it's always been this way. What did I ever know of Shizuru? And even if I ask 'what did I care' I should bear in mind 'what did she tell me' as well.

"I understand," I said tersely. "But I still can't hate you. You've done far worse than say bad things, and I'm still here. You've betrayed my trust and violated me and killed for me, and I'm still here. You can hurt me, but I'll bear with the pain. Even if you make me regret, I've come too far to quit you. So if you want me to go and leave you free, come at me with everything you have. Everything about you you hate so much. But I'm not sure if I'll be the one who breaks first."

Shizuru considered this for a few moments, then nodded. "You've grown a lot…"

"Yeah. As I was before… but you taught me a lot, about what it means to be a decent person." I glared at her. "You haven't grown at all."

"No. But I feel older."

There was a silence, but it was less venomous now. And there were no apologies. We don't apologise. Instead, sins pile up behind us, unspoken but unforgotten. I try my best to deny them as I struggle onwards, always meeting with more pain and more hardship. It's a completely unhealthy way of doing things, but I don't know how I could carry on acknowledging Shizuru through any other method. With her being her and me being me.

"Can I ask something, as well?" Shizuru asked.

"What?" I replied wearily.

"Why? Why do you care about me, after what I've done?"

I don't know. I still wonder, even now. But despite this, despite everything, despite the pain and worry you cause me, you're still the most interesting person in my life. "Because I'm stubborn like that," I said out loud. "And for my own reasons. I don't know myself, but just accept it."

"You're a strange person…"

I just rolled my eyes, falling forwards and resting my head on my English textbook. There wasn't exactly anything to say to that.

Once again, I have to wait for her. That's getting far too common. How long do I have to wait? How much pain do I have to bear? And she's leaving, as well, so I can't even wait for her. I don't even know, any more, why I still bother to try, save for those weak words. Shizuru is my most important person. That doesn't relate to how she treats me or what she thinks of me or what she is going to do. It doesn't have anything to do with my words and actions, either. It's simply an absolute for me, how things are. I can't let her go, it's an emotion I can neither control or deny. In that respect, I can feel a shadow of a shadow of Shizuru's fear and self-hate. Something like that is terrifyingly self-destructive, and for all my bold words, I don't know whether I could take any more of this, even if she remained. I can't stay this way forever. It would choke me. I'd die.

Has she carried feelings like that for so long, all alone? That sounds like the kind of stupid thing she'd do.

I twitched when something touched my head. Shizuru's fingers gently brushed down my hair, stroking it. I looked sidelong at her without moving, seeing her with her head tilted sideways, upwards, anywhere but my face. But briefly, briefly, she did turn and look me in the eyes, pale, bright, snowflake beautiful fragility, something very vulnerable and miserable and human. I closed my eyes. I suppose this is an apology, of a kind.


	10. Chapter 10

**Windows of the Soul: Part Ten**

Sometimes I wonder whether it would be easier if I just had Shizuru see a psycologist. The problem being, how does she say "I have a huge guilt complex over killing scores of people with my summoned demon named after the legendary Kiyohime" without being put in an asylum? Perhaps the First District has specilised psycologists. Oh, wait. She blew them up. That's what she's guilty about.

Catharsis therapy it is. Poor brave Natsuki.

* * *

Time limits.

I have always been very aware of the concept of time in motion, something common to everyone who fights. No, something common to everyone. Night and day, schooldays and weekends, meals, breaks, deadlines and tests, birthdays and holidays all involve the subdivision of time. But I had more than the common experience with time. With Yamada, from the beginning, there was a place and a time, and I was to meet that deadline. That was how he operated. For my part, especially when I was younger, meeting him in the places he clung to always required tracking time. The windows of opportunity he discovered were inevitably brief and specific, and when a plan was in action I had very little time before the response moved. I trained for hours with my Elements to eliminate any trace of hesitation or weakness, because in combat a single moment separates life and death. When injuries occurred, another limit was imposed on me, one that aggravated the lost time of any mistakes. And all of it had to be done in such time that people accepted rather than questioned my absence. When I was younger, I was very bad at balancing the motion of all those limits, but I learned slowly. If you look in a certain way, everything is about sliding windows of opportunity, chances and dangers alike, and that is as true of the school's cafeteria as it is of mortal combat. Once you can see them, you learn that hesitation is the biggest mistake of all. So I always trained my skill and tempered my determination to ensure that I avoided limits. Instead, I embraced the possibilities that they represented.

Even in the Carnival, with the time limit of the world ending, I did my best to stick to that theory. I made mistakes, and those mistakes were aggravated by the importance of the time. In the end, I realised the most important mistake of all, and someone else moved instead. They certainly acted without hesitation. Even if you realise a chance, the outcome doesn't have to be good. Even so, I'll still say it. I won't shy away from those limitations imposed on me by the world. I'll act before them.

Two days. Right now, that's my limit, and I'm faced with an impossibility. How can I complete a mission in that time when the primary means of advancing it appears to be waiting patiently? Isn't that just impossible?

I don't like that word, but this isn't any normal mission. I can't summon Duran and blow things up. If it's something like this, I have no skill at all, and even if there was a way to succeed, I'm sure that I wouldn't be able to see it. At the same time, though, no one but I could hope to succeed, unless I'm mistaken. So what the hell am I supposed to do in this kind of situation, already?

Don't you dare go away, idiot. Isn't that just irresponsible?

Please stay. I'd like that.

Hey, are you sure going so soon is fine? Can't you just stay a little longer?

Since when did a Fujino run away?

Considering you drew up this bloody annoying revision timetable, the least you could do is sit through it with me.

I don't know. I'm no good at this stuff.

I stared at the ceiling, sighing deeply. And then there was a more immediate time limit. She should be here soon… about now, actually. And I had no answers.

I went to check my reflection in the bathroom mirror. My eyes looked as tired as hers have been for so long. I spent far too long awake last night, trying to think through everything that needs to be understood. At least I'd combed my hair this time, though. I'm quite proud of my hair, and I was certainly much improved when it was in good order. That makes me wonder, though, what does Shizuru look like in the mornings? She's seen me in unflattering states often enough, but I can't say I've ever seen her in anything but her groomed princess look, the one that goes with her manufactured personality. Does she get bed hair? How often does she need to get her hair cut, to keep her fringe in exactly the right place? Hell, what does she look like when she's sleeping? In those respects and others, she more or less has an advantage over me. But the idea of Shizuru with her hair all messed up is pretty cute. She'd have a very ladylike night-gown, of course, over that slender figure of hers, all wrapped up in blankets. And does she say things while she sleeps? What does she dream of? Do I even want to know?

It's a charming picture, one that sticks in the mind.

I've noticed this before, but that's another part of her aura. Shizuru is… something… mentally photogenic. That's the best way of putting it. Oh, she's literally photogenic as well, god knows, but you can easily envision her in your head. From the accent to the bearing to the posture Shizuru is someone you'll notice and remember, but more than that, she tends to linger on the mind. Like a clinging cold that refuses to do the decent thing and expire. I think about her, at odd times and in odd places, now more than ever before. When I'm alone and inert, it's a given. But when I'm with Mai and everyone, as well, someone will crack a joke or smile and I'll be reminded of her. And I often wonder what she's doing. If I was to say why, it would surely be for the other fact of her, which completely contradicts the first. Just as she's striking, she's also a mystery. The more you get to know her, even just a little, the more you realise that you don't actually know anything about her at all. And trying to work her out is like trying to solve a Rubik's cube when someone keeps on swapping the stickers around while you aren't looking. So she's never far away from my thoughts, and in that respect she haunts me. But apart from the painful recollections, it's okay. Especially now, my imaginings can be a lot more innocent and happy than the real thing. Life's like that, and I don't know why I used to think she'd be an exception to the rule.

My phone rang. Checking my watch, she was on time to the minute. Not even Shizuru can do that naturally, so she's probably been waiting. Or maybe it's just dumb luck? If it's a matter of dramatic entrances, Shizuru is the type who'd never be a minute late, after all. I flipped it open, answering. "Hi, Shizuru."

"_Good morning, Natsuki. Are you ready?"_

"Of course. Who do you think I am?" I turned, walking towards my bedroom to pick up my bag.

"_Well, quite. I'll wait outside."_

"Don't bother, just come up." I pushed on the door to my bedroom, looked around, and wondered how things had managed to get back to this state so fast. It's like a law or something. The mess in my room is in complete disproportion to what logic dictates it would be, and even then, only in one direction. "In a minute, actually. I'll say when."

"_Ara? Are you sure you're ready, after all?" _she asked teasingly. She sounded her normal self again, damned inscrutable.

"I'm fine, I'm fine. Just taking care of something," I said, kicking a crumpled T-shirt under my bed for safekeeping and picking up the instant noodles from the floor. If she saw that, I'd certainly never live it down. "How are you? Did you get enough sleep?"

"_Ah, you're so motherly and kind. Don't worry, I'm fine."_

"Don't make it sound dramatic," I said. "It's just that it would be a pain for me, if something happened to you." I also took out the DVD I'd been trying to watch last night, in an unsuccessful attempt to distract myself. I slipped it back into its case with my free hand, then picked it up and concealed it behind the television. I definitely couldn't afford to let Shizuru see that.

Not in that sense, though. Midori had entrusted her Sailor Moon DVDs to me before she left and apparently expects me to watch them. Even a few minutes were enough to convince me that her kindness was misplaced.

"_Ara, is that so?"_

I looked around, nodding in satisfaction. "Okay, you can come up. Well, when I think about it…" I frowned slightly, stopping.

"_Very well. I'm coming up. I'll see you in a second."_

"See yas." I folded up my phone and walked out of my room, considering things. The problem was enclosed spaces. Even though I was surrounded by people, logically speaking, and it was nothing like that strange empty house she borrowed from someone… anything but public places, I have a block about it. I've never put it in so many words, of course. I suspect she understands, all the same, and it probably saddens her. So was it really okay? Well, what was the worst she could do? She doesn't even have any power any more, after all. So runs the theory, but I'm not so confident in practise. Her throwing 'Kiyohime' around like it's a new swearword doesn't help with that impression. Nor does her dominating gaze.

Two day time limit. And I'd already played hard with her very limited trust, so I should probably show some back.

A knock on the door, so I dismissed thoughts and opened it. "Yo."

"Hi." This time, she was wearing a white shirt and a matching long skirt. It looked good on her, playing on her good-girl kitsch and those striking eyes.

I suppose that makes me the bad girl, by the classical perspective. Pretty fricking ironic, if you ask me anyway. But I'm easy to please. "As I thought," I said critically, staring at her face. "You don't look like you got much sleep at all."

Shizuru shook her head. "More books, I'm afraid. I can really get into these things in the holidays."

I'll bet those clothes of hers stain really easily. Well, it's not like she goes near dirty things enough to be affected, and she has a knack for avoiding ruffling.

I turned away, letting her step in. "Oh? You weren't very enthusiastic about it around me yesterday…"

On top of that, of course, its not like she can't just buy a new set every time, if she wanted to.

"That's because no book can be more interesting than Natsuki," Shizuru replied promptly. She'd definitely returned to form.

"You must be reading all the wrong books," I said dryly. "I'll ask Mai to lend you some. Anyway, I was thinking, but there's no point in staying in the library, is there? We don't exactly use any books but the textbook right now. And going out for lunch every time is expensive. Wouldn't it make more sense just to stay here?"

Shizuru glanced at me for a moment, then smiled. "Ara. Wasn't it Natsuki who said that I needed to get out more as it was?"

I groaned. Trust Shizuru to remember every little detail. "Well, that's your responsibility," I said tartly. "Like the sleep thing, if you're not going to listen then-"

Shizuru sneezed.

I blinked at her, then turned and put a hand on my hip. "You see what I mean? How the hell did you manage to get a cold in summer? It's lovely and warm out."

She took out a handkerchief, delicately rubbing her nose and shrugged lightly. "Well, there isn't actually any connection between the common cold and weather, you know," she said. "Of course, it is infectious, so perhaps I shouldn't stay around you."

"Do your worst, it won't effect me," I said dismissively. "It's you I'm worried about. You're not exactly robust."

"I'm stronger than you'd think," Shizuru chided. "I'm not, despite appearances, of a delicate constitution."

"If you say so," I said idly. "You certainly do a good job of looking like it, though." I opened my bag, putting my books on the desk again and beginning to clean away some of the mess.

"In any case, don't worry about me. I don't, after all." She seated herself on the sofa, watching me with interest.

"I know that," I replied irritably. "That's the problem. Oh, there should be a folding chair somewhere. I think I left it in that closet. Can you go and get it?"

Shizuru nodded, going that way. I noticed one of the Takeda letter drafts that had escaped extinction, and hurriedly crumbled it up, tossing it into the wastepaper basket. "And don't go poking around too much," I warned. "You may not like what you fine."

"I'll bear that in mind," Shizuru replied, her voice muffled by the closet. After a few moments struggle, she came out holding the chair. "As ever, you're a master of least resistance housekeeping."

"Well, you aren't allowed to criticise me for that," I warned. "We can't all be Mai. You certainly aren't."

"Of course. I find it rather endearing, myself." Shizuru smiled. "Messiness is a very human characteristic. It speaks volumes about your ease with yourself, which is a good thing."

"Huh," I said, trying to work that one out. "Well, don't trip over my ease with myself or anything. You could do that weak body an injury."

Fate blessed me with another sneeze from Shizuru's new-found cold. She sighed, brushing herself off. "Well, now I'm all dusty, anyway."

"Oh, don't be a girl," I said. "It won't kill you."

"Don't be a girl? Despite this and that, I'm rather afraid that I am one," Shizuru said thoughtfully. "But I'm surprised that you'd use a sexist term like that. It doesn't fit your character."

"As a tomboy? Isn't that another stereotype?" I shrugged. "Say girl as in young child, as opposed to woman. Isn't 'girl' in the other sense the first sexist meaning?"

Shizuru chuckled. "Perhaps. As expected of you." She unfolded her chair next to me, sitting down and folding her hands in her lap. "I suppose it isn't very important, though…"

"Right." I sat down myself, stretching my arms idly. "And anyone with feminist pretensions shouldn't act like you, to be sure. Aren't you the ultimate girly girl?"

"In a position of authority, bossing classic dominant male types around?" Shizuru teased. "And Kanzaki-san as well, no less. I just fight with every weapon at my disposal, including the feminine ones. Anything else seems like doing myself an injustice."

"How modest…" I said wryly. Shizuru smiled back. Things are always best, when we can simply banter like this. It's easiest.

"In any case, we should probably begin," Shizuru suggested. "We're starting with Physics today, right? One of your stronger subjects, if I recall correctly."

But is the easiest option the right one? It's a shallow and simple interaction, but is that really okay right now? Or would pressing any more after yesterday be the right thing to do? The problem is that I can't answer those questions, forget working out what to do from there. If it was any other complex social question, I'd ask Shizuru. But that isn't really an option right now.

I nodded. "And one of your weaker ones, right? I don't have high expectations…"

Well, I guess something like this is fine as well.

* * *

Natsuki would make a terrible housewife, really. She is too herself, and too intense, so much so that it's just as I say. Natsuki fills space literally with her things scattered everywhere, as if an explosion had occurred in a mechanic's garage where the mechanic also happened to live. And also metaphorically, because she has such a presence and force that it beats herself into her surroundings. This flat is her flat, absolutely. I suspect that even this time next year when she's preparing to leave herself the walls will radiate her aura for some time to come. And in the meantime, it's a portrait of her soul. Messy, comfortable, bold and surprisingly forceful at times. Conventions and expectations don't weigh very heavily on her, because Natsuki is Natsuki. The opposite of me, who recreates the self for the sake of meeting people's proper image. Or so I like to think, anyway. It's possible that she's just untidy, but I prefer my version.

She passed me a plate of her salad, and I took it gratefully. It wasn't exactly Caesar Salad, but it had more meaning to it, all the same. Even if I had to eat with my hands, plate balanced on my lap, that had a charm to it as well.

Sometimes I wonder whether I could find charm points in a Natsuki mugging someone in a dark alley. I tend to think these things, when I'm around her. When I'm in a good mood, anyway, and most importantly not thinking too much. This helps with that, as well.

I sneezed, raising a hand to cover my mouth and nose. How inelegant. I took out my handkerchief and rubbed myself dry, sighing. Colds did not suit me, certainly not in mid-summer.

"Don't breathe on my food," Natsuki said warningly, sitting down next to me. "Actually, don't breathe on me either. Even if it's me, probably best not to risk it."

"Okay," I said, smiling pleasantly. I picked up a piece of cucumber, looked at it speculatively, then ate it. It wasn't too bad. "You worked hard this morning, though. I was quite impressed."

"Well, if you say so," Natsuki said uncertainly. "Now I'm tired, anyway. This stuff doesn't get any easier."

"Technically, it gets harder," I warned. "So you should definitely get some help after tomorrow. It's hard to motivate yourself without someone to force you, I know."

"After tomorrow, huh?" Natsuki said slowly.

I nodded. "Well, Mai-chan could be quite good. She's smart, isn't she?"

"I guess so," Natsuki said slowly. "I don't know, though. She has Tate now, and Mikoto to worry about. Is it really okay?"

"Ara, how considerate," I said wryly. "Not bad, for you. You're right, though, I suppose. The ideal is someone like me who has nothing else to do." I put my fork down, considering. "Well, Kanzaki-san is the obvious choice, but I've already set him to work babysitting for Mai and I don't know whether he's going anywhere. Besides, if I recall correctly, you hate him."

"Well, it's not like I _hate_him, as such," Natsuki said thoughtfully. "I just think he's a slimy, untrustworthy bastard."

I giggled. "Oh, I see. Well, that's true enough. But you should know, right?" I glanced at her, eyes half-amused and half-serious. "If I was to choose between the two of us in those respects, I think I have a little bit of an edge."

"Well, yeah, but it's still different," Natsuki said uncertainly. She shrugged when I raised my eyebrows. "I mean, he's a boy, for a start. That's something that makes things a real pain in the ass."

I frowned slightly, trying to work out what that would rightly make me. "It's not important, though. If you don't like him, that's that. Hmm. That boy… Takeda-kun, right? His grades weren't bad-"

"Impossible," Natsuki said abruptly, looking away.

"Really?" I asked thoughtfully. "Well, it's not like he doesn't have the spare time, or the inclination. It's a little mercenary, but-"

"Totally impossible, believe me," Natsuki said forcefully. "Just trust me on this one. Takeda is not an option."

"Okay." I frowned. "Well, let's see… Haruka's no good. I can't imagine what she'd do to your grammar. How about that teacher you know somewhat? Sakomizu-sensei?"

"Hey, Shizuru."

I groaned inwardly at those words, though I was outwardly serene. They were coming up more and more recently. "Yes, Natsuki?"

She looked at the floor uncertainly. "Do you really have to go so suddenly?"

"Well, for my part, it isn't very sudden," I said cautiously. "I just didn't think to raise it before. But more or less, yes."

"Why?" Natsuki demanded, glancing irritably at me. "Well, the fact that you should have told me aside, but you've been here for ages, right? What kind of difference does a few more weeks make?"

"Well, it's been ages since I last saw my parents, so that's why," I said cautiously. "My mother, in particular… she's been fretting ever since the Carnival. Making her wait even longer before I came home, then flying off to University so soon after, would not be kind."

Natsuki frowned unhappily. I'd played a rather cruel card, as if it's about mothers, she doesn't like to argue the point.

"Well, that's how it is," I said with forced casualness. "In any case, I know you want as much help as you can get with your studying, but you'll manage. I can probably find someone."

Natsuki glared. "That's not the point, I could care less about that. But still, flying away so soon after years… even if it's you, I'll still miss you. And I don't have to be happy about it." She pouted at me in a glorious contradiction, pained pride and raw sulk warring for supremacy on her face.

I closed my eyes, sighing and smiling tiredly. "Shouldn't you be glad to get rid of me?"

"Idiot," Natsuki said reproachfully. "Don't push it too far."

"Well, it's not like I will completely cut you off," I said with affected coolness. "I'll write, and we can communicate in various ways. But I have to go sooner or later, anyway. Surely a few weeks doesn't make any difference?"

"Well, it's not like I don't know you're going eventually," Natsuki retorted, "and it's not like I don't know that we can keep in touch. I'm going to make you do that. But a few weeks do make a difference… I think so, anyway."

I allowed myself to frown a little, tilting my head a little back. This time, I would remain in control. "Why?"

"Why… well, even if it's a few weeks, it's still fun, right?" Natsuki said uncertainly.

"Setting our arguments aside, I can't justify that to myself. Even if it's for you, to worry Ka-sama any more…" I closed my eyes. "Well, for my part, I don't think I can justify that to myself for much longer. And she has such expectations, now. I've left it too late, so it's my fault."

"I could care less," Natsuki said stubbornly. Her hands twisted on her lip. "Shizuru, is this really alright?" she demanded.

I just tilted my head, looking at her expectantly.

"Well, doesn't it feel kinda wrong, like this?" Natsuki continued, trying to keep her uncertain anger alive. "It's like everything's unfinished, between… you, and everyone, and me. If you're going anyway with everything like that, aren't you just running away again?"

"Even if I do, or if I don't, does it make any difference?" I asked quietly. "I've said this before, but a lot of what I've done is unforgivable, and in any case there's too great a distance between me and everyone else-"

"You'd going it again!" Natsuki accused.

"Yes?" I asked politely.

"You always, always do this. You're criticising yourself, but aren't you sparing yourself as well? You don't know what's unforgivable until you try! And even if you can't cross that gap, you try and try!" Natsuki glared at me, frosted with cold passion. "You want to suffer, right? You hate yourself, right? So isn't that the only way you'll ever forgive yourself?"

"That's very earnest, but," I leaned forwards slightly, face equally intense. "Even if it's Natsuki, it's not yours to say… I don't intend to do anything like that. I know my limits."

"The limits of your pride?" Natsuki challenged.

"No, my mental capability," I shot back. "If you were talking to someone else, it's bold advice. But you're reckless, and you always have been reckless. That's why I've always protected you."

"Oh, you're just wrapping things up in smart words and neat phrases again," Natsuki said, eyes narrowed. "But it's still what I said, aren't you just being a coward?"

"If you go to a swordfight with a cracked blade, that isn't courage," I replied sharply. "That's just plain idiocy."

"Oh? Does that even mean anything?"

I put a hand on the sofa, leaning more closely. "It means that I might be the one breaking, if you make me do anything dramatic. You should know, right? You've been prodding me in dangerous places before, after all."

"Well, if you can reply that sharply, you aren't that badly off," Natsuki shot back. "But that's not the point. Even if you don't want to do anything dramatic, nothing's finished, between us. For me as well, if it's my relationship with you-"

"Are there even any questions left to ask?" I said in a measured voice.

Natsuki stopped short, glaring at me. "Yes. There are. Mostly, they're about you, and that's important to me."

"Haven't I already shown you all the answers?" I said. "You've seen it, haven't you? I'm afraid all my lies are my best features."

"No, it's not that simple." She folded her arms obstinately. "You're not a saint or an angel, I noticed that. But that was my mistake, forever thinking you could be. And you aren't a demon, either. You're just Shizuru, that's all, and it's that person that I'm interested."

"An angelic demon," I said ironically. "A pretty phrase. But I'm foremost a fallen one, so the darker part is the inner self…"

"I didn't ask for your opinion, either. I know you, Shizuru, enough to know that you don't know yourself." Natsuki shook out her hair, glaring at me. "This kind of nonsense makes that clear. So that's why I want to work it out myself."

"Well, I'd rather you didn't," I said, leaning back and regarding her coolly. "It's an unpleasant desire, Natsuki, to try and force your way into someone's mind. And I can't wait forever."

"You can't wait? Isn't that my line? I've been waiting and waiting for you to get over yourself and show some godamn honesty for once in your fucking life-"

"And that's probably impossible, for me," I said sharply, "in that same way that the unclean part of me is forever waiting for something you can't ever give. What do you expect to settle, and just what would our ending look like? We won't be having a happy ending, so can't just let me go? Instead of all this unsightly argument, blowing us apart-"

"I know that," Natsuki said steadily. "And I know you don't like, and I'm sorry. But even if it's bad, I have to finish things, or I won't forgive myself… that's who I am."

"That's another difference between us," I said shortly, turning away and taking a steadying breath. "You should understand that."

"I know, but that doesn't make me happy either. And it doesn't look like it makes you happy!" Natsuki stopped for a moment and sighed, rubbing her forehead. "Man, my head hurts."

"I know what you want, and it's noble," I said quietly. My gaze shifted again and embraced her. "But you've noticed, I'm not a kind person. I can't give you closure or peace of mind unless I fake it for your sake, and as I am right now, I don't think even that's possible."

"Well, that would be meaningless anyway," Natsuki said sarkily. "But thanks for the thought."

"So, I'm going, on my terms, which is quietly." I folded my arms. "Is that too much to accept?"

"Even if it's something I can accept, I'd still fight. You said it. That's a difference between us."

I set my barely touched plate aside and turned away, sighing deeply. "It must be nice, to have such strong convictions… all my strong feelings are the wrong ones."

"Wrong by what standard?" Natsuki demanded, looking up at me. "You go on and on about it, but in the end it's just something you decide for yourself."

"I always decide everything for myself, another of my unpleasant features," I said absently.

" I know-"

"But this time, I'm not wrong," I said, turning and looking down at her. Hair ragged, pale skin flushed with passion, eyes animated and sharp as they returned my stare. Natsuki's mesmerising strength and intensity…

"Oh? Is that so?" she challenged, eyes defiant.

"Yes, so," I returned softly, my body absolutely still. And then I embraced the wave of that feeling, planting my right arm against the cushions and leaning down. Her eyes widened but my left hand touched her face before she could say anything, and I kissed her. Our teeth clashed, I'm not practised, but that wasn't the point either. I held it for a few seconds until she broke free, shoving me away and staring up at me with an unsightly, confused face. "That," I said calmly, "is the most unpleasant part of me."

Natsuki wiped her mouth with her sleeve, looking up at me with angry eyes. "Shizuru!"

I turned and crossed the apartment, pulling open the curtains and letting light shine through the window. "I know myself a lot better than I did before. And that part of me is the same as the feeling I had before…" I looked out over the school grounds, seeing fire and death, "when I killed."

Behind me, she stood, and I could feel the anger radiating off her. "Always so fucking unilateral."

I ignored her, staring at the forest with tired eyes. So many clouded memories. How can I explain it, when I felt the power rise up and the screams when they suffered and died, wondering if that was her? But waiting turned out to be the only best decision…

She grabbed me by both shoulders from behind. "Well, fine. If it's the only way to make you stay, then-"

My eyes met hers over my shoulder, coldly. And I turned; taking her left wrist with my hand and sliding it downwards, gaze intense as my hands met in the middle around hers, for once no hesitation and no fear. A clarity.

"Don't insult me."

Her face and my heart fractured, but I have to believe that this was for the best.


	11. Chapter 11

**Windows of the Soul: Part Eleven**

Thanks for the reviews, all. A special note to kikyo for raising a fair question. Broadly, my premise rests on the characters being a little OOC to the series because it's set after the end. Whatever optimism the second half of 26 may present, I remain convinced that they'd be marked by the experience. Shizuru turning her violent emotions into weapons of last resort doesn't seem inappropriate to me, but I can also see how it also contradicts her unruffled personality as well. In the end, that may be a necessary evil.

* * *

I am a king.

I sat in the garden, sitting green tea and doing nothing while chaos flourished around me, but undoubtedly I was the most important person. That doesn't make me better than anyone else. The king is a fairly weak piece until the endgame. It's simply that if the king is taken, the game ends. And so, in a similar way, I sit and drink tea. My parents taught me that insecure, inferior individuals with pretensions to dignity like to order their servants around, shout and scream and act autocratically. But it takes a person with true authority and strength of character to simply wait without moving; knowing without question than their will is being quietly enacted around them. And in the same way, the best-played chess game barely moves the king at all. That isn't their role.

Kings are very lonely, though, when they watch so many pieces struggling for their sake. That absolute purpose is also an absolute divide.

Of course, I wasn't king, before. I would like to think of myself as a castled rook, one slow to move. I got taken, though, because I was ultimately disposable. That game was badly played. It fell through when another rook took the queen. A pawn also did an unexpected thing. And then checkmate. Or so Natsuki told me, from Mai-chan, who told her. I certainly never heard of a move that lets one bring all one's pieces back from the dead, though. It's a little unbalancing.

Everything would have been a lot… neater, if I had died on that day. But the others probably deserved life. It's also too bad I can't remember what happened to me. Hell? Reincarnation? An eternity as a tortured, wandering kami? Or something else entirely? Sadly, I have no clear memories of that time, implying either oblivion or simply a world that's good at keeping it's own secrets. But whatever faith you subscribe to, there is always something on forgiveness, and something on punishment. That paradox twists the world around, but my feeling is that punishment has the upper hand. To forgive is something special, but hating the sinner as well as the sin is all too human. I understand that, because I am as one with my sins, and they remain.

Sunlight reflected off the pond. Sunlight that recalls a double reflection, the light of the unobtainable moon. Moon for wolf, my lone wolf I cannot reach. And a moon marred with a red star, glowing balefully down on us in the darkness. It truly was in a place like this. That is why I come here so often. I can recall it very clearly.

Yukino. I always understood, that we were alike. But she never saw that in me. It's ironic, for the greatest observer of all the Hime to fail to see anything so fundamental as the beating heart of someone she saw every day, so close in body and in feeling. But without understanding, simply perceiving is meaningless. That was the first of many differences between her and myself.

I always considered her weak. Oh, like me, her feelings were disgusting. She was right to suppress them, I don't doubt that, but she was the kind of person who would not move regardless of her feelings on that. Timid. And I considered her to be very weak indeed. She had no intent to kill. Even her determination to defend Haruka was soft and slow. It was almost an insult to call Kiyohime to finish such a miserable foe. And certainly, the words of someone who was so similar to me, but with such useless determinations, could never reach me. Those were my thoughts, at that time. But there was also a real, visceral hatred in me, all in a moment. Who was she, to stand behind her love and pretend to be so shocked and horrified? What hypocrisy did it take to stand by at Haruka's declaration? Wasn't it simply disgusting to play at the innocent, hopeless friend while concealing so many secrets of body and soul, Hime and heart, the most important person? I lusted to pain her with ten thousand agonies, but had to settle for one.

And in the end, it wasn't Yukino's feelings I was lashing out at, after all.

It's only now that I realise there's no meaning in a rook taking a pawn. But for the pawn, to face down that same rook, knowing failure is as inevitable as the sun rising, there's courage in that.

That was her confession after the Carnival. And truly, no matter how many times it tries, a pawn can't take a rook head on. Some things remain absolute.

"Everything is in order, ojou-sama," Hideko said, standing behind me. "We will be ready to leave tomorrow."

"Ah." I closed my eyes. "Thank you for your hard work."

"No, not at all. Will you be going out today?"

"No," I said, sipping my tea. "I will remain here."

"Is that really okay?" Hideko asked, sounding worried. "We'll have to start early tomorrow, ojou-sama… if you want to say goodbye…"

"I will remain here," I repeated impassively. I tilted my head upwards, looking at the trees. "I don't intend to spend time on unnecessary things."

Really, I could have come up with a better way of putting it. But I was tired and sore and my throat hurt, and it was exactly as I stated. I had too much to think about, too much to conclude in my mind if not in reality. Concluding that accepting inconclusiveness is the best option after all, a hard trick even for me. Even when I suppressed my feelings for Natsuki, it was 'perhaps tomorrow'; such undignified, weak thoughts were always in the back of my mind. Perhaps tomorrow, things would be different. Perhaps tomorrow, her feelings would change. Perhaps tomorrow, the sun would rise in the west and wolves would troop with crows.

The unlikely storm that tomorrow did bring to me was rather unexpected. But it was only the end, in the end, and a new, futile beginning.

Hideko left my presence silently. I took a handkerchief from my sleeve and sneezed into it. This really was getting tedious, after all. And my head ached, to underscore my mood.

What a small, wretched life, in a small, wretched world.

"Ojou-sama, a letter for you has come."

I frowned slightly, ignoring the treacherous motion of my heart. "A letter? Bring it to me."

"Yes, ojou-sama."

The king sat and drank tea, wondering when Natsuki had learned her address. I've always been careful to hide that from her, though if I'm honest she simply has to look it up on the school network. And I was the one who had always encouraged her amateur hacking, of course. That had been another way to trap her, and keep her returning to my side for a while. Like leaving out food for the wolf. I'd gone to very great lengths to do that, without much thought for the consequences, and with much work to deal with afterwards. It's only now that I question whether it was worth the effort, but I won't permit such thoughts. I am not allowed to have regrets, after all this time. Lest I regret my whole life and fall apart or away or simply down, I do not entertain those thoughts. I am I, a sinner, alive.

I sneezed, ruining the thought. Sinners get colds too.

"Here, ojou-sama."

"Thank you." I took the letter without looking round. I really am taking them for granted. I will have to think about some kind of present, for their hard work all these years. If I had more time, I would have worried about it before.

Someone had written 'To Shizuru-chan' on the front. That, combined with unfamiliar handwriting, meant it wasn't from Natsuki. In fact, I had no idea who anything addressed like that could be from. Only Ka-sama and Saaya would ever write that, and it wasn't their handwriting either. Nor was it Reito's, who might perhaps make such a joke. I frowned slightly, incensed at the mystery. And a little disappointed that it wasn't from Natsuki after all.

I opened it delicately and scanned the letter curiously, eyes settling on the name.

Yours truly, Midori Sigiura.

Well, I knew that name. Immature teacher with surprising academic skills and a habit for coming at Orphans with a battleaxe. I'd never seen her fight. In fact, it would be fairer to say that I'd never interacted with her at all. That means she's practically a best friend by my relative Hime-group standards.

I decided to start from the top.

_To Shizuru-chan,_

_How have you been? I've been very busy, or I would have written before. But even writing now, I don't know when this will get to you. The Iranian postal service is terrible._

_I hope you're working hard at school, as so many people count on you. Unless school is already over, in which case I hope you enjoy yourself. And if you've started at university, I hope you remember to work as well as drink. University is a wonderful experience, but focus can become an issue. If it's you, though, that's a lie and you'll probably be fine. Just remember that friends are important as grades. Anyone who doesn't leave Uni with at least fifty friends has failed regardless of their marks!_

_Well, enough of that. You're probably wondering why I'm writing at all, considering we never talked too much. It's too bad, as a strong person like you would have been great in the Hime Rangers. In any case, we're still comrades. I'm writing to all of us, because we should stick together. This world's pretty crazy, so it's the logical thing to do._

_And me? I'm doing well. It's tough work out here, but a lot of fun, and I'm learning so much each day. In a general sense and also about that special festival we took part in. For my part, I want to understand it, more than I do now. Are your feelings similar? But I have to know what created all that madness, and what it was for. Understanding is always better than denial, though. And I'm working with a lot of great people, even if it's just an interesting legend to them. Oh, yeah. That reminds me. Things have been kind of awkward every now and then, considering I'm still in love with my professor. He's so much older than I am, you see, so it's awkward. Yoko thinks I'm mad, and she isn't the only one. Most people think it's stupid. A teenage girl like me crushing on an older man, right? I used to think like that myself, but in the end I decided to stop thinking like that and just go for it. I know my own feelings, right, so why should I apologise about them to anyone? Oh, he rejected me, of course, but that's just a technicality. I'm working on him. Love will triumph before this trip is out, mark my words! So expect good news in the next letter._

_I doubt you're all that interested in my romance, of course, but cheer for me. I'm cheering for you. That's what a comrade is. And remember to keep smiling and moving forwards, as well. No matter what. If it's you, you're definitely someone who can have an amazing effect on everyone around you, and if you want to do something, you should go and do it. That's what being young is. And look after Natsuki-chan, as well. That's what being old is. We're at the best part of our lives, so let's work hard!_

_Yours truly,_

Midori Sigiura 

_PS: Have you watched any of my Sailor Moon DVDs with Natsuki-chan? It has some good characters you'd like in it. _

My first instinct was to tear the letter up and drop it in the pond. It's just too obnoxious, for her to write something so ludicrously casual and cute. She can speak that way, because she was the only noble one of us. Even I know that. But I don't like it thrown in my face as if she sincerely expects someone like me to act like her. Is she stupid? The difference between her burden and my own is too great, however I look at it, just as her love and my own are day and night. I don't want to take this kind of inane nonsense from someone who barely knows me.

But even if that's the case, she still remembers me. That's surprising and surreal in itself. Even if my mind protests, on some level, I'm not unaffected by the gesture. And I also know that I would feel differently, if only I could think like that…

I can't, though. That's impossible.

But it also came today, of all days. I'm not stupid, either. I don't need red glowing stars in the sky to tell me that monsters are bad news, and I don't need to go back far to know I am the biggest monster. And I know when fate or providence or simple luck is faxing me a message with a Haruka-like subtlety and sophistication to it. I fell back, lying on the grass and looking up at the blue sky. The letter crumbled slightly in my right hand. Despite all expectations, it was a clear and beautiful day.

It's nice, to look up at the sky and see the clouds. The jigsaw of blue and white and a shining sun and the shadow of the moon, embraced by my raised hand, caught in between my fingers, an illusion of that unreachable beauty trapped. Just an illusion, but sometimes, illusions are almost good enough. This one says small things about the true and open possibility of the sky. It's not something my hand can truly enclose or embrace.

If I think about it, out of all the Hime and all the Children, only Mai-chan could fly. I think that's pretty telling, all in all.

Oh, and couldn't Shiho-chan, as well? Never mind. I'm not going to let someone like her get in the way of a good metaphor.

The point is that I only saw the ground, and I suppose that aspect of my character hasn't changed. So, what do I see if I look at the sky? You can do anything you want to do, is it? That's a cute delusion to labour under. But if pressed, surely a single inalienable path is a lie as well. So where does that leave me? What do you want, Shizuru Fujino? And I don't know the answer to that question, and I don't know the last time I asked myself that. I forfeited such rights to self-consideration, back then. Now I'm just trying to follow my obligations to various people, while sparing my own feelings selfishly without thinking. So, if not as a commitment, for those reasons, but still, what could I do? What would I do, if I allowed myself the luxury of such a choice?

I don't want to stay. I don't want to leave. My feelings can't be accepted and I don't want them to change. Somehow, however dark they are, however degrading they are, I would not take that love away from me. If I did, I'd lose all remaining justification for my past. But is that my reason? For myself, and for Natsuki, it would better if I did not have those feelings. So, change my usual rules, and deal in hypotheticals, for once. If I'm indulging myself in thought, I might as well go all the way. If I never loved Natsuki, I would not have hurt her so. But without that passion, would I have even been her friend? Without my presence, would she be the same as Nao-chan? And without that love, would I have remained my immature mature self? Detached, smiling, sublimely confident, politely superior and completely apathetic. A life without passion, care, meaning. I wouldn't even be Kaichou-sama. Like that, I wouldn't grow at all. Oh, I could love a man, but would that make a difference? Only complete rejection would challenge that perfect image I had of myself, and even then, I can't imagine the same passion for such feelings. That's my curse, but I've grown, a little. And in the Carnival, without my feelings, Natsuki would be unguarded. Not even Mai-chan was there then, just me. And the First District, as well, would they have supported Reito if I hadn't destroyed them?

If I am going to construct a self-exonerating fantasy, I might as well be thorough about it.

But the weight of my unforgivable sins remain, and everything I did to Natsuki, for that love. I can't run away from that reality, either, not even amidst the clouds. I don't deny my past, nor can I accept my past, and so I am caught between the two, unable to move on. It's not like I'm unaware of that part of me. And I don't relish the future. Simply going elsewhere, and leaving everything behind me. I know. I know that won't work. To be a person amongst many people, with their hopes and dreams and innocence, is almost more than I can bear in thought alone. I am too different, now, too distant, now, from anything that you could call an ordinary girl. I have seen the true human nature, witnessed my own true nature, and after standing naked in the storm I can't just don the convenient clothes and pretences of civilisation so easily. Oh, I can adopt the form. I can smile and wave and nod and pretend, and I'm sure I'd have friends. But I can now see a little more clearly, so that I can't hide myself from myself any more, and it is that distance, that exhausting separation, that will slowly suffocate me. Even if it's me, I can't accept such a future happily. I hate my future and I hate my past, and the present isn't happy either.

Roped, chained, sealed by those characteristics, I can't move at all, while life continues around me. I am a king, after all, and I'm nothing if not self-aware.

So what are you going to do, Shizuru-Hime? Aren't you the most apt, ever-beautiful girl who can do anything she wants to do? That's what you told them, all those years.

I sneezed. The aragami must be whispering again.

"Ojou-sama?" Hideko asked blankly, looking down at me.

I looked up at her, glad she wore a very long kimono. But really, if it's me, being caught lying down like this is rather embarrassing. I didn't move, though. Confidence is never admitting you've been caught doing something wrong for your character. "Yes, Hideko-san?"

"Uh, nothing," Hideko said hastily, composing herself. "But we were planning on taking everything non-essential out of your room now. If you have any specific instructions, you can go."

I closed my eyes briefly, trying to remember. There wasn't really anything, in particular. A few photos, but nothing I needed to hide. I am very dull like that. "No. Please go on ahead," I instructed, trying to look as dignified as possible.

"Yes, ojou-sama." Hideko bowed slightly and made to withdraw then stopped for a moment. "Who was the letter from? A friend?"

I raised my eyebrows at that, pausing briefly and looking at the letter clutched in my hand. "Not a friend, not as such, no. Probably… comrade, is the best way to put it, after all." I gave up on stubbornness and sat up, brushing myself off. "Though if it's giving that woman credit, it doesn't make me very happy."

Hideko looked puzzled then nodded. "I hope there wasn't anything in it that troubled you."

"No." I shook my head elegantly, folding my legs into seiza and slipping the crumbled letter into my kimono. "It was even a little encouraging. On second thoughts, please leave my writing desk untouched for now. I have a letter to write."

"Yes, ojou-sama." She sounded happy, a thought that disturbed me.

I have never understood why people love kings, after all. But perhaps there can be more sympathy for a foolish teenage girl.

* * *

"Hey, you know," I began, leaning on the wall and sighing. "Just why am I here, anyway? You can take care of it, right?"

"Oh, don't say that," Kanzaki returned, smiling innocently. "Mikoto is happy enough, but I need some intelligent conversation from time to time, too."

"Oh? Is that so?" I asked, disinterest plain in my voice. About fifteen meters away, Mikoto was pushing Shiho on the swings, up and down, up and down…

He chuckled, standing next to me and following my gaze. "Besides, I've wanted to have a talk with you specifically for a little while now. Now more than ever, when I've heard from Takeda-kun."

"Huh?" I glanced at him, startled, then narrowed my eyes. "Hey, Kanzaki, don't misunderstand… I said some things back there to try and soften the blow, but-"

"Hmm?" He raised his eyebrows at me. "Was there something to misunderstand?"

I cursed all slimy bastards to a sticky hell-pit. "Not really," I said more calmly, looking away. "But I had to spell it out for him. That's all."

"Well, he wasn't bitter," Kanzaki said casually. "He says he understood, and that he'd already known anyway. I don't know whether or not that was simply tough talk, but he won't be scarred by the experience. Takeda-kun is quite strong, after all."

"You think?" Now Shiho was making some kind of complaint, but Mikoto wasn't listening.

"I know that," he returned amicably, smiling at me. "This is something a man knows about other men."

"Ha."

"And Fujino-san? Is she well?"

I glanced at him again, only to find sharp eyes on me. "Her?" I said shortly. "Shizuru is Shizuru. She hasn't changed."

"Is that so?" Kanzaki imitated, leaning forwards slightly. "I wonder. Well, it does worry me, when I haven't seen her since Monday."

"She's fine," I repeated.

"Is it true she's going home tomorrow?"

I stared at him. "Where did you hear that?"

"I didn't. I just saw removal vans at Fujino-san's house." Kanzaki chuckled at my expression. "I was right? A lucky guess, I'm afraid. Fujino-san is very inscrutable, she doesn't keep me or anyone else informed. I'm glad you know as well, though. I can tell."

"It doesn't make a big difference," I said shortly. "It can't be helped."

"Hmm?" He frowned, scratching his cheek thoughtfully. "I suppose so. But I will miss her; she was always an interesting presence. And it will be tough for you as well, right?"

I shrugged. "Not really. I can manage."

He chuckled. "As ever, you enjoy understating things. I'm just worried that she's being abrupt again. If you want to, I can have a word with her."

"What does it have to do with me?" I asked irritably, not meeting his eyes.

You're not my friend, Kanzaki. I don't even know whether she's my friend, any more.

"She's your most important person."

I returned his gaze. Yes, the colour was wrong, a weak, soft shadow, pinkish-brown tinge. Those weren't the eyes that would drown the world in blood. But his soft smile and his piercing gaze in that moment were exactly the same as hers.

"That's a nostalgic expression," I said ambiguously. More things stolen from Shizuru.

"Well, I hope you two haven't had a row. Even after everything, I had hoped that you two would get on. Just that would mean the world to Fujino-san."

"Don't talk about us as if you understand," I said irritably.

"For your part, as well, you don't have the fire and ice of your normal self. Even as a casual observer, I can't help but worry." He shrugged easily. "Well, that's just my role and my concern, that's all," he remarked, turning away. "I'm an observer now."

There was a thread there, but I didn't feel like pulling it. "Stalker is closer to the truth," I said half-heartedly. "But don't worry about her. She'll be fine." And that was a weak statement, as well. I wish I could find the conviction of my voice.

Kanzaki frowned. "But you know, I'm worried about Shiho-chan."

"Huh?" I blinked and followed his gaze. Now she'd jumped off the swing and was arguing loudly with a playful Mikoto. "She looks fine to me," I said bluntly.

"Oh, at first glance, like this," Kanzaki agreed. "But there are still aspects that make me concerned. She cut her hair short, for example."

I rolled my eyes. "You mean someone finally told her that having giant sausages springing from your head isn't a good look?"

He shrugged and shook his head. "Perhaps. But hair is an important symbol, as well. It's a matter of self-image, after all. Mai-san is a straight-forwards girl. Mikoto is an untidy girl. Yukino-san is a neat girl." He glanced at me. "Natsuki-san is a beautiful girl. Shizuru-san is an elegant girl."

I rolled my eyes. "Are you trying to hit on me?"

"I'm just making an observation. But the point stands. A haircut is a break from the past, in a way."

"Sometimes a haircut is just a haircut."

"Well, that's certainly true, so just put it down to a simple feeling of mine." Kanzaki leaned forwards, sighing. "She still worries me, all the same. And I do feel sorry for her. Even if you can understand the circumstances, and why things have to be this way, rejection is never a pleasant experience. And it is worse for Shiho-chan, as Tate-kun isn't just a boy to her. He is her best friend, her companion, the only family she has left, and her reason to be. You cannot simply process that loss overnight. At that time, it's easy to get lost in melancholy thoughts."

"You sure speak with a lot of authority," I said dryly. "Broken heart, Kanzaki?"

He shook his head. "For my part, I have no one like that. So I can't begin to imagine those feelings." He smiled wryly. "But I am an observer, after all. I have seen it happen from several different people."

"Well, it's as you say, isn't it?" I said, glancing at the girls playing. "It can't be helped. Sometimes things just turn out that way. Bad end. This isn't some crappy porno game, after all."

"I understand that. But understanding does not stop me from feeling her pain."

I shrugged. "She seems happy enough."

"You're right, of course. That's because of Mikoto." Kanzaki abruptly turned, leaning against the wall and looking up at the sky. "In that pain, there's still a friend who will stand by her. And with her guilt, which is exclusively hers, a burden of memory that only that game could put on her shoulders… it takes someone who also came through that hell to reach her and forgive her. That is how the story should go."

He was surprisingly introspective. Once again, I thought of her, and found I couldn't form precise words. So I said nothing, instead.

"That's why," Kanzaki said emotionally, then he stopped abruptly. "Never mind. It isn't important."

We were awkwardly, contemplatively silent for a few moments. I was thinking myself, and wondering whether to believe in those words. But a glance told me that not even Shizuru or Kanzaki could ever imitate their own infinitely thoughtful, regretful expressions in moments such as this. And not just them. I think, at one point or another, we've all held that gaze in our eyes. I know I have, searching for answers and dwelling on sorrows. We stroke our wounds, babying the blood. It's a very human thing to do.

"But this conversation reminds me," Kanzaki said abruptly. "Did you, perhaps, receive a letter from Midori-sensei?"

"Ah. Yeah," I said cautiously. "Where does she find the time?"

"I'm not sure. She is a very good person," Kanzaki said sincerely. "And sending me one as well… I was surprised."

"Wait, she wrote to you?" I asked sharply. "Weren't you, like, her arch-enemy or something?"

A heartbeat pause, then a simple nod and a smile. "That's why I'm surprised." He held my gaze without flinching, and I looked away.

"Sorry," I muttered.

"No, not at all." Reito stuck his hands in his pockets, looking away. "It just touched me, that was all. I suppose it isn't important."

"Yeah," I said grudgingly. "Me too."

"Hey, ani-sama!" Mikoto shouted, waving at us. "Come play! Natsuki too!"

Kanzaki smiled at his sister. "In a minute, Mikoto. I'll be right there." He made an amused noise and turned to me again. "But to change the subject abruptly, I'd like to ask two selfish favours of you." He smirked when I gave him a cynical glance. "Well, you don't have to accept. Just hear me out."

I folded my arms, glaring at him. "What?"

"Please look after Shizuru. For my sake, as well." He faced me, eyes serious, arms by his side. "Even if I have good intentions, I can't do anything with her as she right now. No, if I was to put my instinct to words, you're the only one who can reach her as she is right now." He put his hands on my shoulder, staring into my eyes. "That's why- for her, for me, for everyone else as well- we're counting on you. Please."

"Well, that's… even if you say that…" I turned my head away awkwardly. His hands were heavy on my shoulders. And then I remembered. I faced him, grabbing one of his arms and smoothing my face. "Okay. I understand."

What I was remembering, was everything, and who I am. I'm someone who fights to the last without regrets. I shouldn't need this guy to remind me of that.

"Thank you. That's more like Natsuki-Hime." Reito smiled and released me, stepping promptly away. "Oh, but please don't mention this conversation to Fujino-san. I would never live it down."

"Hey, do you think I'm stupid?" I asked.

He laughed. "Well, quite. In any case, shall we go?"

I stood my ground. "Hey, Kanzaki, what was the second favour?"

"Oh, that?" He smiled wanly at me. "Please call me Reito."

"Is that all?" I blinked and sighed, defeated by that teasing smile. "Fine,_Reito_. If you insist. But I'm leaving the squirts to you. You take care of them."

"Hmm? Going somewhere?" Reito asked, with an annoying expression on his face. Like he already knew the answer.

I snorted, turning away with my hair billowing about me. I don't like that kind of smile, from him or her alike. "Just to write a letter. That's all."


	12. Chapter 12

**Windows of the Soul: Part Twelve**

It's 3:30, morning. My head hurts. That's all.

* * *

It would probably be fair to say that I haven't had an easy life. Living without parents in a hostile world. Bearing powers I didn't understand. Burning with a quest too vast for one girl to achieve in a lifetime. Walking dark streets where teenage girls are only unconventionally welcomed. A strange pursuit, money troubles, nosy teachers, enemies on all sides. From the beginning, I had to accustom myself to the habit of thought that everyone was my enemy. It made things easier. She's the one who taught me the fallacy, and she's also the one who proved the rule. But, you could say, she showed me something. I didn't have to be the kind of person I resented and feared myself. My nature could be nobler than the lowest common denominator, if I had the strength of will. Even after everything ended, I've been doing my best to bear that in mind. I've had a lot of people to support me. 

All the same, surrounded by that hostility gave me something I've never lost, an almost Haruka-like stubbornness when I'm walled off. I think she is the way she is for those reasons as well. Shizuru said once that the Suzushiros weren't what they are now, not so long ago. Old money, new money, and that explains a lot as well. But that isn't the point. If I'm taken lightly, I rise to the challenge. If I'm outmatched, I fight. If I'm bitten, I bite. If I'm lonely, I stand alone. If it's impossible, I do it. And if someone tries to stop me, then I will blast my way through. That's what kept me fighting for years, in a life where simply staying alive was a fight unto itself.

I get those feelings now.

Her phone still wasn't picking up, though. Glaring at the screen wasn't going to change that.

I mentally reviewed my options. I didn't know where she was right now, though she was probably sulking at home. And I didn't know where she lived, actually. Nor did I know her home phone number. It's only now when it really matters that I notice how much she controlled these things. Well, at the time, I was feeling lazy and pretended I didn't care about her at all. We both accepted it. It was natural that Shizuru would find me, not the other way round. Unfortunately, she let me have my way to this extent, and now I'm screwed. Surely at least know where her house is? Up on the hill, right? Or was that just her student's house, her actual home remaining elsewhere? Or does she actually sleep at school, after all? That somehow wouldn't surprise me.

It's a mortifying experience when you realise you can't find your best friend's house in the same _town_.

Well, I have to find her somehow. No way I'm getting to let her just do what she likes. Who does she think she's leaving behind? Well, I could phone Yamada, but using his rather expensive services in a situation like this is inefficient and slow. Besides, he'd laugh at me, and I'm not sure whether I want people like him to know more than is necessary about Shizuru.

I trod on one of my jumpers, glared at it, and kicked it across the room. Yes, this was annoying.

I could use the school network again, probably. Well, provided they haven't locked up the student council room or changed the password on Shizuru's account or downright deleted it or everything else they may well do during the holidays. So, perhaps not the best solution. Well, someone has to know. Some of her students? No, screw that. Wasn't the Reito say as much in fewer words when he started all this, the bastard? He should know. He probably stalks her or something. And now I have a morbid image of me being stalked by Shizuru being stalked by Reito being stalked by all his fangirls in my head, but that isn't the point. He'd be perfect if it wasn't for the fact that I didn't know the bastard's phone number, either. And he'd probably say something smart. I refuse to accept last time. That was just a fluke, his once-a-year serious moment. If I phone him up again, he'll just joke around and hit on me or whatever. Perhaps Yamada would be better after all…

Sadly, I need fast results right now. Hopefully, Mai would have his number. Okay, interrupting her date to ask for the number of her boyfriend's old love rival isn't the smartest thing to do. There's several different ways it could be misunderstood, but the truth isn't particularly dignified either. Honestly, it's a pain in the ass having to go out of the way for people. I can get into it now, but for Shizuru to do this kind of thing when we barely knew each other… well, she's the kind one, just as she's the cruel one. I suppose it's natural for her, or something.

In any case, I phoned Mai. Hopefully she wasn't in the middle of something perverted; I don't need those mental images as well.

"_Hello?"_A quick answer with nothing untoward about it. I suppose I'm expecting too much of someone like Tate, after all.

"Yo, Mai," I said quickly. "I have a little favour."

"_Yes? What is it?"_

"Do you have Reito's number? I need to phone the bastard," I said, emphasising my disgust with the situation. "It's a pain in this ass." Just for good measure.

"_Ehh…I don't, actually," _Mai said hesitantly.

"You don't?" That useless bastard. Sounds like Reito's even worse with the girls, for all his reputation. I should have known.

"_Well, I think Tate has it… hang on a sec, I'll ask."_

I rolled my eyes and tapped my foot, trying to ignore my slight flush. Sounding urgent and asking my friends for things isn't my style, after all.

"Okay, he does. He's sending it to you, but-" 

"Thanks. Later." I cut off the call, deciding to defer the burden of explanations, and fell backwards onto my bed, waiting impatiently. A moment later, I got the damn thing, and phoned him swiftly. In my head, I tried to make this request sound something other than ridiculous. I failed, of course.

"_Reito Kanzaki speaking."_

"Hey, Reito," I said abruptly. "I need some information."

"_Natsuki-san? This is very abrupt, you know."_

"Yeah, yeah. You're just babysitting, right?" I frowned, steeling myself. "But anyway, you know where Shizuru lives, right?"

"_Of course. I've been there once or twice." _

I filed that under "things to find bloody annoying" and moved on. "Right, well. I haven't been a while, so could you refresh my memory. What's the exact address again?"

He was silent for a moment, then laughed. _"The exact address, yes? Fine, I'll send it to you. Shall I send it marked on a map, as well?"_

"Don't laugh, you bastard," I said warningly. "I won't forgive you."

"_I understand. Just give me a second."_

"Right." I stood and walked towards the door of my room. "And it's towards the hill, right?"

"_Yes, but-"_

"Then that's fine. I'll see you." I ended that call as well, deciding just to never explain properly to that bastard at all. I grabbed my jacket and slung it over my shoulders, stuck the painstakingly written letter in my pocket and located my bike helmet. That was the quickest way to get there, after all. Just as long as I don't have to wonder about directions on the way.

When I was young, I had a mother and Duran. When I got a little older, I had sadness and neither. And when I was a little older still, I gained a wolf, and he was called Duran. And a little later on again, I had Duran and my bike. And after that, Duran and my bike and Shizuru. Then some friends. Now I have some friends and a bike. That's why I'm not going to lose Shizuru, I suppose. But I miss Duran, I really do. I don't know how the other Hime saw their Children. Well, Shizuru says she feared Kiyohime. But for me, Duran saved my life many times, and I saw us as inseparable companions. Compared to Mikoto's complacency or Mai's apprehension, I had a closer bond. It was a little disturbing to realise just how distant those two really were from Duran and I. But in the end, he gave me the power to do what I had to do. And that relationship we had is something I miss in a way the others don't. We came back from the dead, but the Children are still lost and alone. Perhaps forever redundant, now, as well. Isn't that just too sad?

I'm glad of the bike. When I was on a mission, Shizuru was the sanity I'd return to, but nothing more than that. But Duran and my bike were partners. As I wheeled it out and readied it now, I found it a little fitting that I should be riding it again with these intense feelings. It's a kind of power that's still present when my Elements and Child are absent, a power unique to me that isn't mystic and has everything to do with driving fast and dangerously, the wind through my hair. Not even Nao's little ambush was enough to put me off. Well, at least it proved I could somehow survive the experience without major injuries.

I checked my phone, and found that Reito really had sent a map. That guy is obsessively well organised, like Shizuru is when she actually bothers to take an interest in something. Yep, high on the hill, higher than before. If I strain myself, I think I recall passing the front of it. It looked big. Should I be surprised? In any case, I fixed the location in my mind then set off.

There's a lot to be said, too, for this feeling. There's nothing abstracted and remote about it, as there is in a car. It's pure and personal, the bike and the air and I, and exhilarating. Simple and easy to understand, as well, not crashing and not dying come pretty intuitively after a while. Most importantly, you just have to concentrate on the road. The scenery is a pleasant distraction, no more. You look forwards. A fixation. Target fixation, in a way, if the target's ever-higher speed and smoother turns, and your mind is a serene blank fulfilled with absolute purpose. Life's best experiences come without thought, and that has nothing to do with sex. In combat, somehow, amidst the fury and the fear there's a simple intent in that, and your body operates on instincts to reach it. Risking your life are the high stakes that make the game worth playing. And on the road, as well, there's the same concentration and the same titillating danger. It's a little depressing that I can only free myself of life's complexities when I'm in danger. That, and with Shizuru, before. Those times with her in the council room were so simple and innocent. Now I realise that there, too, there was yet another risk. This one I simply couldn't see. But still, enjoying something that felt relatively normal was a pleasant novelty to me.

Target fixation, though. That's when you're so busy staring down the evil organisation with ten thousand secrets that you completely miss the fact that your best friend has eight million. When you're so busy worrying about your own emotions to notice her feelings, your own pain to notice her weakness, your own life to notice her loneliness, your own power to notice her strength. When you're so busy working out how to protect her from your life that you never notice her protecting you. When you're so busy licking your own wounds you miss her ever-deepening scars. When you're so busy hating you miss her raising her blade for your hate and making ill wishes come true. I have made many mistakes in my life because I have poor sight. Never noticing the truth of my life, never seeing the truth of hers. For that much, I can regret my own mistakes sincerely.

At that time, I concentrated on her and nothing else, and it ended badly. But this time, I can see only her. And I will only hear the right answers. That's a prophecy I'll fulfil with my own will.

Reito could be plotting to take over the world, for all I know or care right now. But that's fine. If I can only concentrate on one thing at a time, I'll look to the most important thing first of all, and that's her.

And in the end, it wasn't too hard to find. I probably could have done it without Reito's help. The removal vans were a bit of give-away, after all. I parked my bike, took off my helmet and strode forwards, trying to look like I belonged here. "Shizuru!" Sighing, I knocked at the front door. "Hey, Shizuru! Come out, already!"

The door slid open and a woman in a kimono bowed elegantly. "I'm deeply sorry, but Fujino-sama is currently in town. Is there anything I can do to help you?"

I blinked, gathering my thoughts. Maids. "Uh-"

The woman looked up at me and blinked.

Maids. Fucking maids. You have to be fucking with me. "Well, I was just going to-" I began uncertainly.

"Aren't you the one in the photos?" The maid asked abruptly.

"Yes?" I asked, now thoroughly lost.

She flushed then bowed. "I'm deeply sorry. I was just very curious. Shizuru talks about you a lot, when she is that way inclined, Kuga-sama."

"Well, you can drop the 'sama' by way of apology," I said, rubbing the back of my head. "Look, I need to talk to Shizuru. Do you know where she is?"

She shook her head. "I'm sorry, but Shizuru-sama rarely says specifically where she is going. I had assumed it would be to you."

I noticed the moderately more familiar tone. Well, even if it's Shizuru, a woman being this respectful about her is freaky as hell anyway. Like an overgrown fangirl, or am I being uncharitable? "Is that so…"

"I noticed that she left her mobile in her room, as well. That was very unlike her." The maid closed her eyes. "But if it's you, Kuga-sama, I'm sure Shizuru-sama wouldn't mind you waiting for her, if you have the time. We will look after you in the meantime."

"Ah, well, to begin with, can you just call me Natsuki?" I asked, twitching slightly.

She looked at me. "That would be improper of me… Kuga-san."

I groaned, deciding to take what victories I could. "Okay. What's your name?"

"Hideko. Hideko Hirata. I'm Shizuru-sama's personal attendant, in charge of the other servants here."

"Is that so…" Others? I'm beginning to work out why Shizuru never let me see this place. I dismissed the thought, deciding to move on. "But you said something about a photo?"

Hideko shrugged and nodded. "It's something she keeps in her room. You and her, from some time ago. I clean it, so it's very familiar to me." She stood. "Shall I show you?"

"Why not? If I'm waiting around for her." I followed her into the house, trying not to feel too intimidated by the atmosphere. At least she wasn't too old, I was feeling displaced enough as it was. And when I'm uncomfortable, I default to passive-aggressive. No need to make things more awkward than they already were. "So, how long as she been gone?"

"An hour and five minutes," Hideko said precisely. "But I'm surprised. I had assumed that she would be looking for you, as I said before."

"Probably not, right now," I said uneasily. I was silent for a few moments, fighting and losing to my own curiosity. "But you said Shizuru says things about me, sometimes. What does she say?"

"Well, I couldn't say specifically. I am already taking some liberties with Shizuru-sama's trust." Hideko glanced at me. "But, as I said before, it should be alright, if it is Kuga-san. That is something I have gathered from her."

"I see…"

"I'm also surprised you haven't come here before. We've been very curious about you."

"Well…" I played with my hair, looking away. "You know Shizuru, right? Everything's on her terms."

Hideko nodded. "I can understand that. Well, here we are." She opened the door. "Please be careful, as this is Shizuru-sama's room. She keeps important things here."

"I know." I stepped in and looked around. Large bed, check. Small table, check. Writing desk, check. A few pretty ornaments, check. There weren't any superfluous things there, though your own personal servants probably helps with that. I was surprised by the swords on a pedestal by the wall, though. I went to inspect them, picking one up by the sheath. "What are these? Display pieces?"

"That is Shizuru-sama's Daisho," Hideko said warningly. "Please don't touch it. They're genuine and forged by traditional methods. And sharp."

"Seriously?" I asked, putting the katana down. "Is she like a samurai or something?"

"The Fujino family traces a contiguous lineage from historical Kyoto samurai. Despite the necessities of modern times, they retain in large part their traditional pretensions."

"She's seriously a fricking samurai," I mumbled, sitting on the bed. "Well, I guess it makes sense, if it is her." I looked up, grimacing at the naginata she'd mounted above the bed. That wasn't a very welcome sight.

"In any case, the photo is this one," Hideko said, picking up something from the bedside table and handing it to me.

A smiling Shizuru held my arm and glanced happily at the camera, while I pouted and looked awkwardly off to the side. I remember taking that. It was about a year ago. It had been one of her whims, at the time. Out of the blue, she'd just said that we should take a photo together. And then she went around the school until she found someone with a camera, then had them take a picture. I protested all the way, of course. I thought she'd forgotten about it, after that. My thumb touched the glass while I tried to remember the last time I'd seen Shizuru so happy and beautiful. "It's a little out of place, isn't it," I said awkwardly. "Something like this…"

"It is something she has always kept by her side." Hideko looked steadily at me, as if weighing me up. "A few weeks ago, she locked it in a drawer without a word. And a few weeks ago, she returned it to its original place. I had been worried. She tells us little about her social life."

I nodded absently, lost in memory. "Well, we did have an argument a few weeks back," I said vaguely.

"Can I get you anything while you wait?" Hideko asked politely. "Tea or coffee, perhaps?"

"I'll have tea. Shizuru's already broken me to it." I fell backwards, resting on the bed and holding up the photo. Just what was I supposed to make of it?

"Very well." Hideko bowed and withdrew, leaving me in an expansive silence.

I wonder whether Shizuru misses them. Those peaceful days, like in the photo. Or was she bearing her strange feelings for me inside, even then?

I put the photo back and rolled over, closing my eyes and trying to forget that line of thought. It was overwhelming enough just to be in Shizuru's room. Somehow, in every respect, the neatness and the cleanness, it's very her. But I don't know. It's very large and cold and spare, without much colour or life. A little oppressive, really. Things would be a lot more interesting if she was here, I guess. But alone, it's just lonely. I can try and imagine her, lying in this bed, wrapped in blankets and looking up at the ceiling. What are her thoughts at that kind of time? What does she dream of? Just like this house, I don't know anything about that. Used to a Shizuru that's always around when I need her. But I don't know anything, and she doesn't let me know anything. Sometimes it feels that every hour of every day simply reinforces just how far I have to go, to understand her. I want to. That's why it's so hard to let her go. I don't even know whether a week or two would make a difference, but isn't the fact that I want to do something like that enough? Even if she's frightening, even if she did those things, even if she's a lesbian, Shizuru is Shizuru. A pretty girl with a superiority complex and mesmerising red eyes. That's all. Trying to separate my feelings from my acceptance is getting harder, as well. I'd like to see her smile again, but simple everyday life can be as implacable and unkind as the Carnival. At least that was relatively short, but I've heard the word 'impossible' all too many times in my life.

I noticed Shizuru's phone on the bedside table. She doesn't even say the word; she just makes her own decisions. That's even worse, after all.

"Here, Kuga-san." Hideko put my tea on the table.

I rolled off the bed, sitting in front of it. "Thanks."

"Not at all. I'm happy to oblige." Hideko closed the door, then sat down in front of me. "But if I could trouble you for a moment, Kuga-san, could I talk to you about something?"

I looked at her cautiously. "What?"

"In recent times, we've been very worried about Shizuru-sama. 'We' is both my colleges, and also Shizuru-sama's mother in particular." Hideko closed her eyes. "Do you know what happened to her during the Twelve Day War?"

I winced, then suppressed the expression. "No. She was looking after me, at first," I began cautiously. "After that, I'm not sure. I lost contact with her for a while."

"I see. For our part, as well, she disappeared for a time. Viola-sama was extremely distressed, to say the least. We didn't see her again until after the war was over." Hideko glanced at me. "Has Shizuru-sama spoken any more specifically to you about what happened to her in that time?"

I frowned. "Well, even if you say that, I don't think I could reply even if I knew. I wasn't sure exactly where she went, for quite some time."

Hideko nodded in a controlled way. "Have you noticed any change in her behaviour since then?"

"Not really," I lied, then decided that wasn't going to fly. "Well, a little. She's been melancholy. But I thought that was a end-of-the-year kind of thing."

"Quite. Bt we have other worries…" she frowned at me, leaning forwards slightly. "I am hoping you are reliable, Kuga-san. But it's certainly sufficient to say she's been in a distressed state of mind recently. We know that. But Shizuru-sama refuses to entrust those worries to us."

"Shizuru is Shizuru," I argued. "She's capable of looking after herself, isn't she? If she doesn't want to talk, I think that's fine."

Hideko sighed, closing her eyes. "That's a possible perspective. But it isn't easy, for us or for Viola-sama, to know that we can't do anything to help her."

"I know the feeling," I said quietly.

The maid stood abruptly, walking across the room and glancing down at the photo. "You probably already know, of course, but Shizuru-sama is going home tomorrow. We are hoping that a welcoming environment and Viola-sama's personal support will do something to ease her troubled heart. But if it's her…"

"I know," I said quietly, looking at the floor. "I'm not sure whether that's going to solve anything. Isn't it just her running away?"

"We don't know," Hideko said, with a trace of dryness. "That's rather the problem."

"Does she really have to go home?" I asked abruptly, looking up.

"Probably. That was her will, as of this morning. In any case, Viola-sama is impatient and worried as it is. I'm not sure she would be able to tolerate any delay, and asking her to leave Ryushiro herself is impossible." Hideko glanced at me. "Does it worry you?"

"No," I said quietly, hands tightening on my knees. "Whatever I think, compared to her mother's concern… I don't have anything to set against that."

Hideko closed her eyes, nodding. "Hopefully, Shizuru-sama will return soon. Please wait as long as necessary."

I sipped my tea and shook my head. "I'll go out again myself, in a minute. I'm going to find her, whatever it takes. Tell her to phone me if we miss each other again."

"As you say, Kuga-san." Hideko nodded and withdrew, leaving me with my thoughts.

Honestly, that Shizuru. Leaving so many people to worry about her, without saying a word, isn't that unforgivable? Always suffering in silence, taking everything onto herself, pushing back when pushed and taking dignity over peace of mind. She's always done that, but it's getting worse and worse. I just wish she'd give in and accept goodwill gratefully. But it's also an unpleasant awakening, because it's not all about me any more. She knows other people, and other people care about her and love her. I can't just expect her to care only for me, and even if I did, that shouldn't make me happy. I can't hold her, or make her stay. I'm beginning to realise just how absolute that is, and how saddening it is.

More pertinently, where the hell is she? Waiting at my flat, and wondering where the hell I am? Meeting Reito? It's not really her style to walk around randomly in the middle of the day. Is she trying to avoid me? That would require her to guess that I was going after her, and I don't think even she knows me that well. Right? I sighed, drinking my tea quickly. Shizuru would disapprove, but it can't be helped. In any case, how was I supposed to know? Would just randomly driving around find anything, after all?

But I supposed I was going about it the wrong way. I was thinking my thoughts. If it was Shizuru, there wouldn't be a normal thought in sight for this kind of thing. I'm sure whatever it is she's doing makes perfect sense to her, in her strange way, but not so much for me. But just as that maid said, it wasn't like Shizuru to forget her phone. She's too organised for something simple like that, which means that, at least, was deliberate, after all. Considering I'm practically the only one who phones her, that's probably aimed at me. And it is her last day, as well. She doesn't do logical things like hang out with her friends or have a little party. She's dramatic, vain and difficult, and she loves to do awkward things and overcomplicate everything around her. That, at least, probably hasn't changed. Something quiet and significant, I'm sure, a statement only she could hear. Lonely thoughts, recalling this emptiness. That would be in character for her. So she'll go to somewhere like that, somewhere important. Probably. I'm just guessing here.

I finished my tea and set it aside, then stood, taking the letter out of my pocket. I hesitated for a moment, then put it on the bedside table, hoping that the maids wouldn't touch it or anything. And then I left, quickly and quietly, picking up my bike, shrugging on my helmet and driving off down the slope again.

But even if I say somewhere important, our lives aren't simple enough to be broken down into simple moments. Lives flow, and ever since I met her, our lives have become connected and twisted together messily, so even there I can't say one single place or time where she would want to be. So many memories. That house where she ended my world. Her love and her hate, my confusion and anger, our fear, her strength and her unstoppable victory. I was useless in that moment, without the will to save her or the power to stop her. What came after was punishment. But that's a sad story, and I didn't even stop to look. Even if it's Shizuru, she won't be there. That memory is too hard and lonely for either of us to bear. My flat, much abused by Orphans and people, looking down as she looked up and wondering where she lived. Her support and her kind smile. But if she was avoiding me, there would be no meaning in that, and I never let her in enough for it to be truly warm in our minds. The beach was too far and too brief, but she made it fun for a little while, even though I had to deal with stressful things as well. The festival, with her beauty and elegance, while I worried as much about my own friends and my own problems. But that was also a candle in a cold wind, brief and flickering. The grounds, though, were laden down by layers of gentle, kind memories. She'd spoiled me horribly with her friendliness… with her love. Even when I tired of everything else, there was a sincerity in that. But for both of us, busy people, those moments were still too brief and transient. If I was given a second chance, things would be different. That's what I'd like to say to her.

But there was only one most important place, something that's important precisely because it came out of all our flaws. Her lazy nepotism and selfish desires. My calculating thoughts and cold aura. They met here, and melded, and somehow even in those profoundly cynical moments there was a special kind of peace. It was a safety, of a kind. And I could trust, implicitly, her smile. Even now, when I'm less naïve, I'll still acknowledge this place as one that made me happy. Perhaps, in a quiet and modest way, the happiest I've ever been. At least, I've been at peace.

That's where I went. A knight searching for her princess.


	13. Chapter 13

**Windows of the Soul: Part Thirteen**

So Natsuki has green eyes. I'd visualised them as blue, in my head. Well, go figure.

* * *

I closed my eyes and sipped my tea, closing my eyes and smiling. "Welcome. I've been waiting for you, you know."

"Bullshit. Even if it's you, you don't have that kind of foresight." Natsuki leaned against the doorframe, looking at me with something approaching amusement. "You just thought to mope up here all day, right? Are you even allowed to be here?"

"Ara. I did get permission, you know." I put my tea down, glancing at her. "I'm not a delinquent, after all. As far as everyone's concerned, I'm just wrapping up my affairs here."

"Oh, really? And just how much work have you actually done?" Natsuki asked.

"Wrapping up doesn't necessarily mean actual work," I said reasonably. "If they misconstrue my words and take that position, that's no fault of mine. But I'm surprised. The last time you came here, I had to order a replacement for the door."

She frowned and shrugged. "Well, there's scaffolding up everywhere because of you. Best not to press that point."

"Of course. Don't tell Haruka that, though. I wouldn't like her to think her parents' generosity is rendered necessary by my personal actions." I sipped my tea again, then looked at her with my head tilted slightly. "So, what do you want? Is there something you need to look up?"

Natsuki sighed. "Don't joke around." She pushed off the frame and walked through, closing the door behind her. "I came because I was worried about you. If you're brooding all day, that's no damn good. Besides, if this is your last day here, you at least have to spend it with me." She pulled up a chair and sat down.

I nodded briefly, looking away. "Have you accepted it, then?"

"Well, you're not giving me a choice. I can't make you stay, just as I've never really been able to make you do anything." She regarded me forcefully. "If it's you, you always act without any reference to what I want anyway."

That stung, but I nodded gracefully. "That's true. But it's not very easy to make someone do anything. If you are in a position to do that, taking advantage of it is an unforgivable thing. Don't you think?"

"I'm not here to play word games, Shizuru. That's all you ever do anyway." Natsuki carried on glaring at me, while I simply sipped my tea. "Why did you leave your phone at home?"

I shrugged. "I forgot it. There isn't any real meaning to it."

"Am I supposed to believe that?" Natsuki demanded. "You never forget anything."

I considered smiling and carrying on, but there wouldn't be much point. It's the last day, after all. I looked at her coolly. "And am I really supposed to believe you don't know the reason?"

Natsuki frowned, taken aback. "Well, if you admit it-"

"Even if I say it, will that really make either of us happy?" I turned away again. "I am myself, with my feelings. Positive or negative, they can't do anything to make you happy. Isn't that so?"

Natsuki snorted. "You know, that's something for me, not for you, to decide. But you're prettier when you're being sincere about something, even if you're cold."

"Ara, how sweet." I stood, walking over to the window and looking outside. "How did you find me? I presume someone told you."

"No. I worked it out," Natsuki said, sounding proud. "You're not quite as smart as you think, you know."

I touched the glass. "Is that so?" I could see the repaired church below us, just within sight.

"Why did you come here, then?" she asked.

"I can have tea here quietly," I said simply.

"Oh?" Natsuki sighed. "You know, you used to be a lot better at saying cool things. What happened to your transparent flattery?"

"Do you miss it?"

Natsuki pushed her hair over her shoulder, grimacing. "Just a bit, actually. It's completely mortifying."

I giggled despite myself, clamping a hand over my mouth for a second, then letting it fall. "I see. That's very cute of you."

"That's more like it… though I know I'm going to regret saying this within five minutes," Natsuki said. She glanced at my reflection, which was looking at her, and red eyes met green eyes in the tangle of light. A very indirect stare, which suited us. "Hey, Shizuru-"

"Those words again," I teased lightly.

"Yeah, yeah," she said quietly. "But, well, I just want to say… I'm sorry for yesterday. You're right. That wasn't the right thing for me to say."

"No, not at all." I looked away, staring down at the yard again. "I've done many worse things, so you apologising for just that is meaningless."

"If I'm wrong, I'm wrong," Natsuki said. "That doesn't have anything to do with what you have or haven't done. And if I need to, I'll apologise."

"That's noble of you. Myself, I prefer refuge in a tangle of contradictions." I closed my eyes. "I'm sorry as well. I burdened you again, with my complex and unpleasant feelings."

"If it burdens me, then it's burdening you. You shouldn't bear that crap alone. So do what you like, I'll bear it for you." Natsuki glared at me. "Everyone's worrying about you, you know. Your family and your friends and your servants and everyone… even Reito. Even me. You shouldn't just try to bear with everything yourself, or decide everything for yourself. We have your back."

I sighed; leaning forwards slightly and letting my forehead touch the glass. "You know that I know that already. But my feelings aren't so simple. It can get hard, to try and bear so much sympathy when I so plainly don't deserve it…"

"You do deserve it. Even after that-" Natsuki began. "No one hates you. I didn't hate you, in the end. The Carnival made us all do ugly things."

"For me," I began. Then I shook my head. "No. I shouldn't worry you further."

"Were you even listening to me?" Natsuki snapped, standing irritably. "I don't care about that. You're worrying me more just like this."

I sighed, trying again to put myself into words without worrying her. "But I don't have the right-"

"There's no right. You don't have the right to make me suffer because you're selfishly hiding your true thoughts and feelings." She walked forwards, standing next to me and touching my shoulder. "You're going home tomorrow, right? You may not see me again, ever, right? So there's no harm in saying everything now. And if you don't, I for one will have regrets."

I glanced at her briefly, then looked wanly out the window. "You're very cruel. I can never withstand your gentle face."

Natsuki turned away awkwardly. "Whatever. If it'll get you to talk."

"Well, even if I talk, it won't change anything," I said warningly. "I'm not a puzzle to be solved. And if you're talking about the Carnival, I'm not like the others. The things I did were completely different… what I did to you in particular was absolutely unforgivable."

"You know, I forgive you," Natsuki said, with a trace of impatience in her voice.

"I know. You're very kind." My eyes swept over the forest. "But I can't forgive myself. And you've probably noticed, but whatever made me do that, whatever brokenness in me that allowed me to do that, isn't dead… it's part of me. That's why I have to leave."

"I know," Natsuki said. "But it won't ever come to that again, and you're a better person than you give yourself credit before. That's why you feel this pain, isn't it?"

I just shook my head. "It's more that I can remain a good person, like this. But I can't stop hating myself, or it'll come back." I turned my head away, trying to control myself. "That's my feelings on the matter…"

"You're wrong. You're stronger than that, and I'm wiser now. I wouldn't let you do that again. But you won't try. You're wiser, as well. I trust you."

"I see. You're so gentle."

Natsuki slammed her palm against the glass. "That's not about gentleness. That's how it is. Facts you should face."

"I wish I could believe in that, for you." I sighed. "I've never understood, though. Why do you still care? Why don't you hate me, and why did you forgive me in the first place? What I did-"

"I know what you did. I wouldn't forget that." Natsuki circled me, staring at my face and folding her arms. I turned my neck and looked out the window. "I know I should hate you. But my feelings aren't that convenient! Could you stop loving me, even though you wanted to?"

I blinked, looking sadly at her.

"Exactly. This is the same. I couldn't hate you, even if I wanted to. And I'd still feel your pain. That's grace, Shizuru. Be grateful." She snorted. "But for some goddamn reason I can't forget about you. It's a pain in the ass, but I'm not in denial about it."

I chuckled softly. "I wonder, does that make you a little disturbed as well?"

"Perhaps. Who cares? I am I. You are you. That's all." Her eyes were bright and vivid, striking me through. "There's no excuse for a sleepy half life."

I looked away again. I can't ever meet her sincere gaze, unless I use that demonic part of me again. But right now, I'm too tired even for that. "I being I is the problem…" I said quietly.

"Can't you at least look at me?" Natsuki asked.

"It's not easy-"

"If you say 'for me' one more time in that voice, I'm going to knock you out," Natsuki protested, prodding me in the shoulder. "Even when you're being gloomy, you're still as arrogant as an angel. It's not like you're an exception to anything. You're just a girl like me."

I chuckled at that. "I'm sorry. Half is my pretensions, but the other half is fact. I'm not a normal person at heart. Sometimes I think I'm a psychopath."

"That's just a convenient excuse," Natsuki said firmly. "I've met true killers, and they don't feel that kind of emotion. Take it from me. You broke from too much love, not none at all… that's why you're still human."

"Perhaps," I admitted. "But I'm not normal, all the same. Isn't that just a different kind of insanity?"

"Hey, I spent my teen years running around with guns playing spy. Don't talk to me about normal." Natsuki frowned, putting a hand on her hip. "That's what I don't get, Shizuru. Is going away going to change anything? At least we understand you a little more, because we're all the same."

"Except Yukino," I suggested, smiling awkwardly.

"And Akane," Natsuki added, looking out the window. "Sister Yukariko too. They were the tragic ones. We fitted, somewhat, for an ugly battle, but they didn't."

"You shouldn't equate yourself with me," I said.

"I can equate myself with anyone I please," Natsuki snapped. "And whatever naïve image you have of me, I'm the same as you. Just a killer. It's not like I don't understand how easy it can be."

I shook my head silently, stepping back and sitting on the desk. It felt awkward, for me to take such a posture. But I suppose I've already dropped my guard so much I might as well leave the rest of my pretensions behind. I tried to let my legs dangle in a ladylike way, all the same.

"Well, it really was a very ugly battle," Natsuki said, turning and leaning against the window. "Even Mai showed her bad side. Even now, I don't get it. Why were we selected? Where did our powers come from, and where did they go? And what are the Childs? And really… just why do twelve girls need to hack each other up every three hundred years at all?"

I shrugged. "I'm afraid even I can't answer that. I try not to think about it."

"I guess so. Midori's obsessed, so we can leave it to her."

I'm treading on a road of needles. But I'd do far more for Natsuki, so I'll bear with the pain. Even so, I'm weak, so I tried to keep that part of the conversation going. It comes more easily than the rest. "If I was to guess, though, it would be precisely to control these powers. If they have the potential to exist, and if they have the godlike potential the final survivor is supposed to achieve, it would be better for the world if they were all taken from it. Perhaps that's why we have to die."

"Hmm. Nice attempt." Natsuki shrugged. "It'd be fricking ironic if we end up blowing the world by accident or something. That'd be a bitch."

"Well, I can't do anything with my powers," I said, trying to sound reassuring.

"Me neither," Natsuki agreed. "But I'm pretty sure I kept our physical brokenness. Can you still dodge bullets?"

"I don't know," I said lightly. "I haven't tried recently."

"I see." She rubbed the back of her head awkwardly. "Believe me, there's nothing scarier than shooting at someone who's coming at you with a melee weapon and they don't stop. Kiyohime was softcore compared to that feeling."

"If it's any consolation, I was scared out of my mind," I said, looking away. Needles slice and stab but I'm used to pain.

"Really?" Natsuki asked. "You didn't look it at all."

"Naturally. Who do you think I am?" I asked, smiling tiredly. "But you, too… I couldn't see anything but strength in you. It was amazing."

"I guess that's what combat is. We hide our weakness." Natsuki chuckled softly. "No, for us, that goes for everything, doesn't it? We've become a little predictable in that respect."

"What does that make this, then?" I asked, half to myself. I wasn't quite sure myself.

"These words are what we say when we're dying," Natsuki said, looking away. "Before, we managed to say more in those last moments than ever before. We had nothing left to lose. This is the same."

"I'm sorry," I said instinctively.

"No." She shook her head. "You don't need to apologise."

We faced each other across that small distance, and I couldn't afford to stare despite my feelings. But her sad, strong face so close to me is overwhelming. If only. If only I could touch her without her cringing. If only I could comfort her with my arms, but I'm too cold and too hard and sharp and cruel. Impossibilities haunt me in the shadow of these melancholy emerald eyes.

Natsuki looked down awkwardly, as if searching for words. I let her do so, as this is all for her. "There really is nothing I can do, is there?" she said eventually.

I looked at her. "If you ask simply, I can stay for a little while longer. But I can't guarantee that I could be good to you, in that time. That may be too hard for me."

"And that would be altogether bad for you, right?" I just nodded, and Natsuki sighed. "It's unfair. I know this is normal. But I hate it so much, all the same. And it makes me want to hate you. That doesn't even make sense!"

"Emotions rarely do," I remarked.

"But you remember, right?" Natsuki asked, looking up at me. "What I was like, before I met you."

I smiled a little, because I'm fond of those earlier, purer memories. "Yes. I do."

"I was cold and arrogant and bored and a horrible person. I said it before, but it bears repeating. Meeting you was such an important experience for me."

"Don't make me sound like an altruist, it wasn't anything like that," I chided. "For my part, I was exactly the same, I'd use all those words. You were a beautiful girl, and I indulged in the whim of talking to you."

"You keep on stripping yourself of any cool points, which is annoying," Natsuki complained. "I'm grateful, regardless of your reasons."

"Well, it didn't take all that long for me to become fascinated by you, and then I chased you," I said. "Not in that sense. But I forced my way into my life because you were interesting, and you tried to keep me out. I enjoyed that, because you were never easy on me."

"That's more like it," Natsuki said. "I guess that's the cool part. And I enjoyed you being around, even if I protested so much… you probably knew that, though."

"A little. But don't go on about it. I was a spoiled, aristocratic brat used to having everything her own way, so it's not like I didn't gain something either."

"All that, huh?" Natsuki asked, smiling wryly. "So what's changed?"

I laughed. "Not much, I suppose. I'm older, and more womanly, somewhat."

"I'm assuming the genial pervert means in a physical sense," Natsuki said. "But if not for you… I really, seriously would have ended up like Nao. I can't imagine how'd I have acted in the Carnival, like that."

"Don't mention it. I'm sure it would be someone else, if not me. I just monopolised you."

"If I think about it, that's what I'm afraid of," Natsuki said uncertainly. Her pretty hands were half-curled, hanging by her side. "You're an important person to me. When you go, am I just going to end up like that again?"

"You're a different person, in different circumstances," I said gently. "Even without me, you have Mai-chan and Mikoto-chan and plenty of other people to befriend you. And they come without my complications."

"Even if I say that, I want you," Natsuki said. She sighed miserably. "But I'm just pressuring you again, aren't I?"

"No. It makes me a little happy."

"My head feels all messed up. Well, this is a messed up world. But it certainly keeps on doing its best to knock me over."

I smiled at her. "But you don't let it do that, right?"

"Well, of course," Natsuki said tiredly. "I'm like that."

I nodded, looking away. "Well, do we want to do something? It wouldn't be very fair of me to keep you in this rather dull room all day."

Like this, I can handle it. Today. If we touch the past lightly and gently, running over the surface of the water, I can deal with that. It makes me feel fragile, and she looks the same way. But if we go deeper, we break explosively. That's the problem that remains.

"It's fine," Natsuki said. "You chose to come to this dull room, right?"

"Well, if you came as well, I must be a conscientious host. I wouldn't mind to rest here, though."

I looked around for a moment, feeling memories well up. I'd always sit at that desk, which was the centre of the world. And Haruka would shout and stamp and gesticulate and mutilate the language, Yukino standing worried behind her. Reito dealt with things, a lot of the time, and for much of the rest I simply had to say a few careful things, and it would be done. Even if Yukino gave me a plaintive, sorrowful look. We had Tate to help us, too. Things were well ordered. Though we knew each other, we weren't friends. I was closest to Reito, but even then it was and is a distant closeness, the mutual respect and suspicion of two people who saw the world and people in it from a different perspective than most. Levers to be pushed and pulled. In the end, everything in that room was destroyed, one way or another.

"Your combination of laziness and energy never ceases to make me wince," Natsuki said, glancing at me. "That shouldn't even be possible."

"Yes, well, I've always lived in a very sleepy world," I remarked quietly. "And this was a melancholy, sleepy room, for much of the time."

Natsuki frowned. "Is that so?"

And then there were the times when you were here. Vivid. It's not me, it's you. You're the one who makes me move and feel and care, your very presence paints the world in a brighter palette, and from the memory of your smile I draw so much strength and sorrowful determination. But I can't tell you that.

"Hey, Natsuki." I chuckled slightly at her expression. "What do you want from me, in this moment?"

"What kind of weird question is that?" Natsuki asked, glancing warily at me. "Are you playing with words again?"

"No. It's a sincere question." I put my hands on my knees, watching her thoughtfully. "I can't honestly say that I know, that's all. Not exactly."

"In general… well, you've made it clear. What you want I can't give. What I want you can't give. I get it, already," Natsuki said quietly. She sighed, tilting her head back. "But I still want to understand you. Your feelings, your thoughts, why you're acting this way. If I understand, it'll stop hurting so much. That's my logic."

"It's rare for you to admit as much."

"Well, if I don't give you won't, that's obvious." Her strong voice, clear. She has a beautiful voice, after all. "But I don't know. Isn't it just… tiring, after a while? All those pretences."

I nodded. "It is. Perhaps that's why I'm always so sleepy."

"You know, I've never understood. I can understand that you have undesirable characteristics, but so do I. So does anyone. That's called being human, right?" She glanced sharply at me. "So why did you pretend so much, for so long? Even for me?"

"Why, I wonder?" I shrugged and shook my head, smiling despite myself. "That isn't an easy question, because it's become a way of life. But I suppose it's because those are the expectations that surround me. The curse of my blood is those expectations."

"That isn't much of an answer," Natsuki said, rolling her eyes.

"Well, I have no strong answer to give. By now, the act of pretending has become the true me. It's a way of life, as I said." I turned my head. "And you? Why did you never let anyone in?"

"Because there was no one I could trust. That was my thought. You actually proved me right, in a way." Her gaze was cautious, uncharacteristic of her. Trying to pierce my veil and see my true face. "But even so, I still trust. It's human, and better like that than without that. I still trust you."

I flicked my hair playfully, shifting my weight. "Well, in my case, I've had a bad experience with being my 'true self'. If that's so, I may as well constrain myself."

"I wouldn't be so worried about it if I wasn't afraid you won't survive that," Natsuki said seriously.

"That's a lot of negatives in one sentence."

"I'm serious!" Natsuki protested. "You should I know it too, right? If you're always suppressing yourself, you're just going to snap violently again."

"Well, in this place and this time," I said, leaning forwards slightly. My hands slid off my lap, touching the desk. "You know what I'd express and how I'd feel, if I let myself act however I pleased." I stared at her, lips quirking. "Is that really okay, as you like to say?"

She glanced at me warily. "It's not a matter of pleased. You don't really enjoy it, do you? That much even I can see."

With effort, I relaxed slightly. Is that a paradox? "I'll concede that," I said, looking away. "But what I enjoy doesn't really have anything to do with my actions, a lot of the time. I'm not that reliable."

"I'm not exactly having a blast either," Natsuki said wearily. "Seeing you like this."

"I know, which makes me sad, and…" I raised a pale hand, glancing at it. Pianist's fingers with calluses so subtle you can't see them without knowing to look. The texture of hands that bear a blade. My fist closed. "An infinite chain of sadness."

"I told you. I'll bear with it. Get that into your head." Natsuki pouted. "You can't solve that by trying to break the chain, either. Like I said, I'd still worry about you, even if you go away."

"It pains me that my life pains you so much," I said, letting my hand fall. "I've wondered how to stop that from happening. You know, I've… always regretted that. But I don't have any simple solutions."

"There are none. So stop making yourself sad." Natsuki frowned. "But cry. It's human to cry."

"I'm not allowed to cry," I said ambiguously. With ambiguous feelings, in my ambivalent and searing world. "But I didn't give your answer the answers it deserved. I'm not even sure whether that's possible, as I barely know myself."

"It's fine. You don't have to force yourself for me."

Every day, I do. It's never been easy.

I looked around, frowning. "Well, perhaps a story." My eyes settled on hers. "Do you remember when you came to me with a very dubious request?"

She snorted. "Which one? There've been more than I can count."

"This would be the first one, more or less. I was a second year with no especial powers, at the time." I frowned. "In the sense of my position as Kaichou, I mean. Well, and the other sense too."

Natsuki laughed. "I get it. Let's see… that wasn't long after we'd met, right?"

I nodded.

"Hmm. She closed her eyes briefly. "Didn't I ask for information, or something?"

"In my capacity as class representative." I played with my hair again, wondering how far I should go. "You asked me for information on everyone in this school, pupil and staff, their present and their past. I must admit, I was a little put out."

"Did I really ask that?" Natsuki asked, flushing slightly. "I was pretty unsubtle in those days…"

"You were. But I thought I'd help you, all the same, if it wasn't for the fact that class representatives don't have that kind of information. Handing out sheets. Organising the litter rota. That was about the limit of my power in that time."

"Oh, I remember. At least I wasn't stupid enough to be disappointed." Natsuki smiled. "I'd wondered whether to raise it at all, but I thought you'd be discreet regardless."

"Do you think so? You looked pretty disappointed to me," I said lightly. I slid off the table, standing.

"Well, perhaps a little," Natsuki admitted. "It just would have been a far simpler way to do things… even if I'd known the alternatives back then, they'd have been hard."

I walked across the room, sitting in my seat again and glancing at her. "In any case, it wasn't a big deal in the end. This took care of everything, right?" I touched the screen of the student council computer with my left hand.

She nodded and grinned. "Yeah. You were very helpful."

"I'm glad." I sighed. "Everything was for that."

Natsuki frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Your request is why I became Kaichou." I smiled wanly. "Well, wouldn't it be truer to say that your disappointed face is why I became Kaichou?" I turned away, shrugging. "I didn't have any intentions like that, before that day. Well, it's an unlikely story, so you don't have to believe me."

"If it's you, I can believe it, but it's still crazy," Natsuki said. "You must have had other reasons. I mean, the role's made for you."

"You said it yourself, I'm lazy. Besides, you wouldn't know as a middle-schooler, but Haruka had been aiming to become president from the start. She worked very hard and did a lot of things for that goal. I didn't feel much regret, though, snatching it away from her." I looked thoughtfully at the computer. "I wonder what she'd have looked like, in this chair."

"Horrible," Natsuki said. "All the reports would be misspelt."

"She's smart, despite herself. And competent and hardworking. She'd have done an acceptable job." I shrugged. "But when I remember that, I know that my unpleasant side isn't new. She was very sincere. I did on the whim of helping a friend obtain illegal information, and even then, for my own selfish reasons. And even when I won she worked so hard. I found it funny, and the disturbing thing is, I still do."

"Well, if those are you reasons, they do surprise me," Natsuki said decisively. "And that's because of who you are, someone made for the role. The election result was clear enough, right? You slaughtered her."

"I just find that a rather sad example of how good I am at fooling people."

"That's a very superior way of thinking, you know," Natsuki said. "You should just accept you were the best person for the job, which you damn well were. In politics, intentions don't matter. It's about results."

I laughed. "Natsuki is very cynical."

"I'm realistic. You're pretty naïve, to think stuff like that matters at all." Natsuki smiled slightly. "I appreciate your thoughts, though."

"I see." I smiled slightly, looking sidelong. "And if I said that was just a story of mine, and I really did have an ambition to be Kaichou?"

"I'd call you a bad liar, because I know your sincere face," Natsuki replied sharply. "It's the more beautiful one, remember?"

I smiled, turning away. "You've improved somewhat."

"Of course. I know you're playing, now, so I can play to. Plus you've gotten sloppy." Natsuki pushed off the wall, crossing the classroom and sitting on my desk. "It's a little nostalgic, isn't it?"

I looked up at her, noting irrelevantly that she looked good in jeans. "You're right, of course," I said softly.

"You know, I have my own regrets," she said quietly, returning my gaze. "Every time I came to this room, I used your trust. I never let you in or told you anything. And I gave nothing back."

"I was fine with being used, you know," I said, smiling. "Supporting you was what I wanted to do."

Natsuki shook her head. "Even if you say that, I still regret it. You should understand that."

Her face not so far from mine makes me wonder, what would it be like, to live by my impulses and not my control? "Well, then," I said quietly. "Perhaps, if I called that a debt and had you repay it, you'd be easier after I've left. I doubt I could ever settle my account with you, but if it's the few things you've done that need forgiveness from me…"

Natsuki frowned. "What would you ask for?"

If I'm going, I would like to experience that. Just once. "I always wondered," I said uncertainly. "What it would be like, to kiss you in this room."

Natsuki's eyes widened as she looked down at me, then she turned away. "Okay. That's fine."

I blinked myself, wondering whether I'd misunderstood her. Experimentally I stood, and she looked up at me. "Really?"

She snorted, and I could see the apprehension in her eyes. "This time, be more gentle."

When I touched her shoulders with my hands, though, she didn't flinch. And I was feeling reckless.

Her lips are soft, and her breath. I don't dare to open my eyes and see her face. A pulse that was steady as blood touched my face races crazily and every uncontrollable feeling she draws from me explodes. I breathe her, my body moves, my arms are around her, her body melds with mine, clothes wrinkle-

I pulled away, terrified. With what I'd see from her. With my own overwhelming feelings.

Her eyes flickered open, staring up at me. Her cheeks bloomed crimson with the hot blood I felt beneath her skin. The thought made me turn away. "I'm sorry," I replied instinctively. "As ever, I'm an incredibly inappropriate person…"

"That isn't how I'd describe you," Natsuki said, sounding slightly strangled. "Don't worry."

I turn, smile at her, and decide that never happened. That's how things must be, for the two of us, forever.


	14. Chapter 14

**Windows of the Soul: Part Fourteen**

Oh ye of little faith. Believe in me, who believes in making everything up on the fly with the vaguest mental trajectory!

Yeah, that wouldn't convince me either. But don't take my love lightly.

* * *

The forest is beautiful.

I don't know who, exactly, decided that a massive forest was the logical thing to have next to our school. I do know that it's a haven for all kinds of trouble, if the reports Haruka handed me day after day are to be believed. Often accompanied by invective on burning them down. But it was beautiful, so I was glad it existed, all the same. Forests speak of breadth and depth, hidden places and mysteries. Some of the potentials of a wide and uncharted world are still trapped in the trees, where otherwise everything is known and ordered. Of course, reality is different from appearances. Forests have little to hide except yet more trees, but even a village has ten thousand thatched secrets, if you knew how to listen and how to look. But for the feeling, I suppose, trees are nice. I enjoy their shade, and the rustle of the leaves in the wind. If I concentrate on the simplicity of the present, it's a little soothing. Once again, I've managed to fill my recent past with moments I regret. Well, at least I'm consistent.

The rock was uncomfortable beneath me, but that's reasonable. It was a rock. I tried to remember how it had got here. Was this something I'd torn from the church or the school, smoothed by that last explosion? Or from an earlier battle, with Mai-chan's explosive wrath? Of course, it was also possible that it was just a rock. I suppose I shouldn't overanalyse these things. I drew a hand through my hair, enjoying the feeling of cool air on my face. It was nice to flee from responsibility and thought, there's a certain serenity in it. Something approaching peace, when I was so tired.

Her… just her. People are complicated so I can't itemise her. But even now, she slices my resolution to ribbons just by being. Things I'd promised I'd never say. Things I'd promised I'd never do. All those things. Natsuki violates me in so many ways, but to be more honest, I do that to myself. My self-control always fails me in those moments because I'm weak-willed and self-indulgent, something I've tried to conceal with varying degrees of success all along. And she indulges me, as well, which isn't something I can understand. Though I'd never tell her as much, she does make me feel like a child, far more than the reverse. My emotions are too overblown and unstable to be considered adult. And for me, who lives by wearing a mask, she crumbles me so I have to flee from her. She can follow me, though. How did she know? It gets like that, after a while, to the point where I panic. Can she read me? Am I being careless? Or is that just her gift and my weakness, the fact that she draws me out so much? Running across the shattered fragments of my pretences isn't pleasant. Nor do I know where it is I'm going. But will my pretty, intact face have anything to see and strive for, without her?

That's my fear. It may be impossible for me to be with her, and impossible for me to be without her. That is the degree to which her presence and my actions have destroyed me. And the worst thing is the fact that there was no seduction. I walked this path, perceiving that it could only lead this way, unable to crush my emotions or break away while I still could. Even just now, my self-control collapsed like a successively falling tower of cards. And I enjoyed it, for a moment. Perhaps it's okay, if I'm going. She needed a conversation like that. I probably needed it as well. But I still went further than I'd intended. I've already seen the absolute result of letting myself go, so why do I persist in that weakness? And why doesn't it disgust me? I can only speculate on that being my personal weakness, but for once, it doesn't move me. That conversation had been too final, too sad, for me to be anything but tired and mournful. What might have been, a thought that haunts me.

"Ara, ara. If it isn't the great Kaichou-sama."

I looked up, aptly concealing my surprise at that voice. "Nao-chan, how unexpected. Good afternoon."

She's striking, a shock of red hair and a cocky posture. A bundle of knotted pride and suspicion and fear. "What are you doing here?" she asked. "Hoping to repent of your sins? I can hear your confessions, but then we'd be there for hours."

"Thanks for the kind offer, but no. I don't have any interest in that kind of God," I said bluntly, closing my eyes.

"Hmm? You should try it sometime. There's a lot in it about forgiveness." Nao made a theatrical gesture. "Well, of course, there's not much sympathy for your type, but I'm a compassionate person. Believe in the forgiveness and goodness of something something."

"Well, aren't you in the wrong clothes for preaching?" I asked, giving her a sharp look. "If that's the case, what reason do you have to be here?"

"No, I'm totally going to get changed in a minute and wait for the floods of the faithful," Nao said. "I'm in no way taking cover here due to various tedious reasons I won't bore you with. Or, I won't bother to make up. Involving guys."

"You're a pretty carefree person now, aren't you?" I asked, smiling in a calculating way. "But you were always so very earnest the last time I really saw you. It's a little surprising."

"Oh, really?" she asked, expression souring slightly. "Well, you'll be glad to hear that as far as I can tell, you haven't changed at all."

"Is that your perception of me?" I asked, expression neutral. "But in the mood to unnecessarily keep you from everything you undoubtedly want to do. I'll take my leave."

Nao smirked. "Oh? Does Kaichou-sama have somewhere away from me to be? That's interesting." She shifted her posture and folded her arms. "But please don't feel rushed on my account. You were looking very troubled, and I've learned that I must always take the time to help people in trouble. You could say it's my duty to hear you out."

I smiled blandly, cursing spiders. They have a morbid obsession with weakness. "If you considered my face troubled, you're mistaken. I was simply thinking about dragons."

"Oh, really?" Nao said, trying not to sound puzzled. "It's not in your character to have such fanciful interests, Kaichou-sama. You should think about tea like a good little girl."

"Well, appearances are often deceptive," I returned. "That's the salient point here. You don't have the best track record on interpreting me, I'm afraid. Dragons should be fairly easy to spot."

"Only insofar as I said that was out of character," Nao said, spreading her hands theatrically. "I suppose this line of thought suits your huge ego after all."

I stood abruptly, noting with a little cruel satisfaction how precisely and warily she followed my movements. "In any case, I've little enough to say to someone like you. I can't imagine you particularly want to listen to me, either. Or do you enjoy misfortune?"

"Misfortune, is this?" Nao asked, faux-concern. "Doesn't that sound bad? You should tell me all about it, after all. Then I can ask God for guidance."

I chuckled. "If he answers the questions of people like us, then he really isn't worth my time after all."

"Hey, don't get too easy about comparisons," Nao warned, glaring at me. "Wouldn't it hurt Kaichou-sama's wonderful reputation if you equated yourself with a commoner?"

Actually, this is also a little refreshing, as much as it was stupid anyway. A simple word game, without any real complexities, that's all. "No, you're right to say that there's a difference between us," I said, smiling darkly. "I took my intentions to their logical conclusion, unlike you."

"The other difference is about values, though," Nao retorted. "You know, I saw her on the way here, actually. I do hope you aren't using my Church for inappropriate activities."

"Even if I did something that theatrical, it would only be following in your lead," I said, posture confidence. I made that up, but it wouldn't surprise me.

"That would be something between me and God, but I'm representing him for you right now," Nao teased. "Shouldn't you at least confess to the ugly things you do to her? It might mean the difference between red-hot pitchfork and lukewarm pitchfork when you receive your eternal reward."

"Once again, I'll reject your kind offer," I shot back. I drew myself up, looking down on her. "My reputation has much worth, and none to me. But if you're slandering Natsuki, I won't forgive you. You should be more reasoned."

"I certainly don't want to hear that from you," Nao said. "But I'd forgotten, of course. That cold girl would reject you every time, of course. Tell me, does she even function down there? Or do you still have no idea?"

I slipped my hands casually into my pockets, starting to walk towards her. "You know, Nao-chan, you're being very reckless with your elders…" I smirked. "I still remember everything you did back then, as well. Are you really so stubborn as to need reminding so soon?"

"Shut up, you sick psycho," Nao snapped, face tense. "Don't come any closer!"

I carried on serenely, amused at her expression. "What are you doing to do, Nao-chan? Step back? Run away? You should just apologise."

Nao glared at me. "Without your bullshit magic, you're just a useless stuck-up bitch, Fujino. Aren't you the one who should be apologising before I make you remember?"

I did not visibly react to her words. Instead, I kept walking, smiling pleasantly. "I'm sorry I didn't finish you the first time, as you came for a second. Out of everything I did, I regret you the least. You were miserable, so you should thank me." I was aware that my spite and self-hate was running away from me, but it came very easily to my mouth. This girl has always brought out the unpleasant side of me. "So?" I asked daringly, stopping about a foot from her and looking into her eyes. "Do you want to try me?"

Nao stared at me for a long moment, eyes settling, and then she snorted. "You're shameless."

"That's better, Nao-chan," I said, my hands out of my pockets. "But it's bad of you, to speak so ill of me and Natsuki after all this time. Nakama should look after each other, instead."

"You have a pretty sick sense of humour." Abruptly, Nao smirked, her anger and fear retreating as fast as it had come. "You know, you really aren't scary without magic, though. I meet trash like you everyday, on the streets."

"I'd argue my sickness isn't all that everyday, even in your circles," I returned amicably.

"Regardless, for all your pretensions, you're just a vicious psychopath," Nao said. "And you enjoy it, don't you? Being like this. I find it hysterical that someone like you is ten times worse than me."

I just shrugged and turned away. "Well, you've always made me reckless, Nao-chan. It's a talent."

"What would other people think, if they saw you like this?" Nao asked tauntingly. "And how about Natsuki? Doesn't she know you? I doubt she'd approve, because Natsuki is a good and righteous girl. I don't know how you stand her."

"Unlike you, she brings out the better part in me," I said, glancing back at her. Tiredness and regret were coming back tenfold. "I'm not proud of myself, when I'm like this. And I don't enjoy it, either. Perhaps you wouldn't understand."

"You do enjoy it," Nao said, squatting down and looking up at me. "But I do get it. It's simultaneously cute and disturbing, the degree to which you hang upon her name. Love's just socially justified insanity anyway, but you skipped on social justification."

I turned, folding my arms. "I'm very surprised at your confidence. Shouldn't you be very much afraid of me?"

"I'm not an idiot like you who angsts endlessly over that," Nao said. "That's why you shouldn't confuse the two of us. As I said, I don't give a fuck about that bad joke game any more. You're just a slightly sad, mad princess now."

"Then I hope your mother's condition has improved, so you have nothing to regret," I said. "You never did send me the address, so I could send flowers."

"And sometimes I think you don't give a fuck, either," Nao remarked tartly. "You really are shameless."

"Then I'm quite at a loss as to why you're prolonging this conversation."

"I'm used to it. Besides, I'm not the pathetic girl I was back then. Unlike you, I actually learned some useful things from the experience. Your true face, for a start." Her olive green eyes regarded me, a weak mockery of Natsuki's bold emerald. "But Natsuki really has no time for you, does she? That must be very frustrating for you."

"That's not a matter that has anything to do with you," I said stiffly. This was, in a way, a defeat. I could recognise that. I could certainly turn the situation around, but I wasn't very sure I could do that without sinking deep into my most terrifying self to do that. That wasn't a decent price to pay for my mere tattered dignity.

"You're so boring," Nao teased. "But aren't you curious?" She stood, walking calmly towards me. "Unrequited feelings twist you up inside. You're strange and unhealthy, and you play at hating yourself for that, a martyr for love… but don't you really just want her to accept you? Say you're beautiful? Touch you without flinching?"

I stood my ground, holding her gaze evenly as she approached. "You've become a very dangerous girl, haven't you?"

"I'm just imitating the great Kaichou-sama," Nao returned. She was a foot away from me, now, looking up at my face with amusement. She took a step closer, but I pushed her gently away. "As I thought, it can only be Natsuki. You have that kind of complex." Nao smirked, turning away. "Not that I'd enjoy it either."

"Is that so?" I asked coldly. "I wouldn't be surprised, considering your attitudes. However I look at it, you're as twisted as me."

"Don't look to hard at me for things we have in common," Nao chided, walking away.

"You've still got some work to do, though," I said warningly. "Your habit of playing dangerous games with dangerous people hasn't changed, has it?"

Nao shrugged carelessly. "I'm always in control of those idiots. That's not anything I need to worry about."

"That's cute, and I'm sure it helps your ego, but I was referring to myself," I said steadily. "You should be very careful. That personality of yours, which still seeks validation through confrontation with me, hasn't developed as much as you'd like. It's those feelings of shame and anger that you're clinging to, talking to me like this."

"Don't make too much of that," Nao said carelessly. "Anyone who knew what you were really like would resent you."

"Hating me for that is very reasonable," I agreed. "But that doesn't change your own problems. Can you really accept it? The fact that I totally defeated you back then?"

"Tch. I told you, I don't care about that stuff any more," Nao said, glaring at me. She really is so young.

"Then I'm glad. If you had killed, it would not be so easy for you to say that. In that respect I'm proud for destroying your Child, as you're unburdened by that kind of regret. Your trashy arrogance depends on that." I folded my arms and started to walk away. "But it shouldn't be wasted on me. I still have no interest in it."

"You're pretty self-righteous, aren't you?" Nao demanded. "Would Natsuki approve of that attitude?"

I ignored her, as she was welcome to the last word. I had no interest in that, either. But I was certainly glad to see her like that. As I said, she wasn't a burdened person. If she had killed Natsuki, would she feel something like my own strain? I don't know. But it felt right, for things to be like this. If possible, I would take on more sins, if I could protect the others. It's proper for Nao to scowl at me and taunt me with such confidence in the light of day. It's a good thing that she doesn't really understand, and I'll take pains to keep it that way. Even her casual hatred of me is good, because it keeps her mind and her anger away from herself. She may change, or she may not change, and some kinds of change are certainly worse than not changing. There doesn't seem to be much danger of that, though. The rest isn't up to me, but I can hope. Nao-chan, too, will probably develop better in a world without me.

Perhaps I should apologise, but that's impossible, when I don't even regret what I did for her. My truth was accurate but retrospective, a pretty self-justification. I am glad. That's strange, but I can understand my own reasons. The truth of the time was simply to protect Natsuki. Protection implies punishment, if you're to deter your enemy. And while a more moral person would be anguished by the rights and wrongs of a situation, moral implications and trying to save everyone, I've never had such complicated interests. Ever since I took up that blade I was fighting to protect Natsuki. Logic and morality had no place, compared to that absolute desire. In that cause I fell like an angel and did terrible things. I could, perhaps, have taken another path. Yukino did not need to lose there and then. And the difference between Nao-chan and me was such that I could have gone easier on her than I did, had I chosen to do so. But I simply fought her and won, for Natsuki. If I push myself, I know that I would do the same things again. That sense of the absolute is both comforting and frightening.

I wonder whether I'll ever feel this strongly about anything again. It's a frightening thought, even to admit the possibility. But I think I'd accept it. In the same way, despite everything, I'll accept my own feelings right now. I have become a demon, but at least I can now claim to be alive. For that vividity, I'll thank Natsuki. I'll keep it gently in my memories.

* * *

I climbed up the stairs to the dorms without seeing. Once again, I'd had too many thoughts placed upon me to easily carry. Shizuru needs to lay off the revelations. I cannot understand our current interactions, forget her complicating things with stories and wordplay and… kisses. My fingers floated upwards of their own accord before I caught myself and turned the motion into a firm prod on the forehead. I was no one's romantic heroine, wondering what the hell had come over me. Shizuru being Shizuru was nothing surprising, and if she has those sad eyes I'm willing to let her be. It's not like I haven't kissed her before. She doesn't look happy, though.

And that's what I regret. It's not a matter of being a heroine or not, nothing so dramatic. The problem is that I can't reach her, or even if I can, I can't help her. It feels like I should be someone else. Someone larger than life. If I could kiss her and hold her until her pain was forgotten, I'd do that, but I don't have that audacity, that confidence or that strength. Or if enough woven matted lies and games and tricks of the mind could drag her out of herself and force her to acknowledge her own future, I'd do that, but I don't have that intelligence, that perception or the rather sinister personality type to go with it. I can't assuage her doubts, I can't take away her regrets, I can't change her self-hate and that destructive side of her. Over and over, I come before her with the intention of being her support, but I'm always leaning on her in the end. Her instinct to control a situation, and my tendency to the path of least resistance, mean I can't do anything. I can't even make her stay, even though I know she's going with so many regrets. It's painful. It's lonely. It's sad. It's also unbelievably frustrating. I didn't blast my way through a private army, monsters and princesses just to lose to a girl with an atlas complex and some guilt issues! But that's the outcome, all the same. Simple passion won't change that, because her passions are so deep and dark I can't even see them.

Or, to put all of that more simply, I know that I'm a terrible friend. And it's pissing me the hell off.

And I still hadn't delivered that fucking letter.

I decided against an evening spent in my room with dim lights, loud music and a sulk spanning hours. That was just too pathetic. And knowing as I did that the likely outcome of me going home at all was that, I took the only alternative. Mai's door is always open. Literally, and I never bother to knock. I shut the door behind me, kicking my shoes off moodily.

"Natsuki!" Mikoto exploded, looking up excitedly. Trust that girl and her sixth sense to recognise me first. Well, it could have been an educated guess, but that seems too smart for her.

"Natsuki?" Mai asked, glancing across the room at me. "You know, you should phone if you're coming round. I'll have to cook extra for you."

"Forget it, I'm not interested in eating," I said bluntly, striding through and collapsing onto a chair. "I'm just killing time."

Reito gave me a calculating look. His very presence pissed me off, needless to say. What the hell was he expecting of me? Why didn't he do something useful, if he said such dramatic things? "You look tired," he remarked easily. "Have you had a hard day?"

"That's an understatement," I growled. "I'm not talking to you about it. No, don't expect me to talk period."

Mikoto squatted on the floor, looking up at me with that curious expression of hers. "You've been fighting," she said. A statement, not a question. "Who were you fighting?"

"I doubt that, Mikoto," Mai said in an affectionate way, busy in the kitchen. "There isn't anyone left to fight. Right, Natsuki?"

"Of course," I said tiredly. "She's just being weird."

"Fighting doesn't just mean one simple thing," Reito noted reasonably, looking at me with those damn cool faux-Shizuru eyes of his. "Could that be the case, Natsuki-san? I hope Takeda hasn't been troubling you, after all."

His insincere voice is very sincere-sounding. Should I expect any less of him? I just shrugged wordlessly.

Mikoto pouted. "If Natsuki is fighting, she should say. We can all fight and help her. Right, ani?"

"That depends on the nature of our foes," Reito said amicably. "Remember, Mikoto, not every foe can be fought by every person. Tate-kun troubled himself very much to fight enemies beyond him, not so long ago."

"He didn't do so badly against you, though," Mai said amiably.

Reito chuckled. "Of course, that's where my metaphor falls down."

"But we're not Tate," Mikoto said. "If it's us, we can fight anyone."

"Certainly," Reito said, ruffling her hair. "But that doesn't mean we have to fight, or that we should fight."

"Yes, ani-sama." Mikoto closed her eyes contentedly and leaned back, resting her head against Reito's legs and looking lazily up at me. "Well, Natsuki can fight anyone too."

"Thanks for the confidence," I said impatiently. "But where the hell is Tate, anyway?"

"He went home early today," Mai said, smiling at me. "Your ex-boyfriend appears to be getting over the trauma by monopolising his friends."

"My ex-boyfriend?" I asked, quirking my eyebrows in puzzlement. "I don't…" Then it clicked. "You'd better not mean Takeda!"

"It's a decent approximation, isn't it?" Mai asked wryly. "But I suppose it's natural you'd be sensitive about it."

"Don't even make jokes like that, I don't like horror stories," I said firmly, closing my eyes. "And if you aren't going to be sensible about anything, I won't bother to talk at all." I folded my arms and leaned back disdainfully.

The effect was rather spoiled when something very heavy and with big feet perched on my lap. I opened my eyes to see Mikoto's face within a three inch proximity of my own, and yelped. Her yellow eyes glittered as she gave me a calculating look. "Do you want ice-cream?" she asked.

"Don't snack close to dinner, Mikoto," Mai said with her motherly indifference to my plight.

"I'll manage without," I mumbled. "More importantly, please get off me." I'd already gotten far too close to another girl for comfort today. I think Mikoto treating me as her second head-pillow could be a breaking point.

"But ice cream would make you less cross and impatient," Mikoto reasoned.

"I'm not cross or impatient!" I shouted irritably.

Mikoto jumped backward off me, a rather painful procedure unto itself and landed with one hand touching the ground. She regarded me as one does reckless people with weapons they can't handle.

If I think about it, that metaphor's pretty apt.

"Now, don't tease Natsuki, Mikoto," Reito said reasonably. "She's in a bad mood."

"I'm not in a bad mood!"

"You're in denial," Mai said, smiling at me. "Are you sure you don't want food, Natsuki? I can easily cook enough for all of us."

"No thanks," I said shortly. "But come to that, why the hell are you here, Reito?"

"He's here because he's been taking good care of Mikoto," Mai said, doing something mysterious with a spoon and something gloopy. "As expected of Kaichou-sama, it was a good idea. You should be sure to thank her for me, okay?"

"I'll see what I can do," I muttered.

"And I'm making dinner to thank Reito-san," Mai completed.

"I see," I said, wondering whether Tate knew. Hopefully Reito doesn't have that kind of intentions. But whatever I'm calling him, he is and will ever remain a slimy bastard.

"I'm very grateful, as my own cooking leaves something to be desired," Reito said in his self-deprecating way.

"Hmm." I frowned. It would be nice if Shizuru could eat here at some time… but there isn't any such thing as time left. Why didn't I think of these things before? Why did I let myself drift so lazily towards reconciliation?

"Accepting that's something you two have in common, you really should let me cook for you too," Mai said. "In fact, I'd have to insist, as a good host. Mikoto, please stop any escape attempts."

"Yes, Mai!" Mikoto said happily, bouncing onto another chair and glancing over at her 'mother'.

"Alright, alright. I recognise inevitable fate when I see it. It keeps on hitting me over the head, after all." I stood before Mikoto could land on my lap again, walking across the room. "I'm going to get some fresh air," I said shortly, opening the door and stepping onto the balcony.

There were some beautiful clouds in the sky, but I couldn't really see that. I was still trying to grapple with what was happening around me, without any kind of control. There had to be something. A way. There was always a way. On a fundamental level, I didn't lose very often. I was smart, beautiful, skilled and with a pretty decent Child, back when that had mattered. Oh, sometimes circumstances took me out of the picture. But I've always had what I've needed for the last moment. Against Searrs, things turned out okay. And stopping Shizuru, too, I managed to turn things around when it really mattered. Actual, major defeat was a novel and depressing prospect. But Shizuru was different, this time around. Coping with her fearless charge and her monstrous Child was, erm, child's play compared to dealing with her social skills and emotional problems. Was this feeling the kind of despair I'd put others through? It only reminded me of that time when I could do nothing… I didn't like the comparison. And Shizuru-

"Natsuki." Mai smiled at me. "Can I join you for a moment?" I made a non-committal noise, looking away. She took that for permission and settled down next to me, looking up at the sky. "Don't worry, I have Reito-san watching dinner for now. It won't go cold on account of me being here."

"I see," I said quietly.

"What's on your mind?" Mai asked. "You look very worried. It's not like you."

"I'm fine," I lied. A moment later, I shrugged. "Well, it's nothing you can make a difference at, anyway."

Mai glanced at me for a long moment, looking like she was about to say something, then shrugged and nodded. "I see. It must be tough."

"Ah." I leaned forwards, sighing deeply. "Hey, Mai."

_Those words again. _Amused eyes.

"Yes, Natsuki?"

I touched my chest, crinkling my jumper. "When your heart beats really fast and you can't concentrate, that's fear, right? I've experienced that a lot."

Mai chuckled. "Yes, that's fear. A lot of the time, anyway."

"I thought so…"

"But, there's more than one kind of fear," Mai said, looking at me and smiling innocently. "There are bad fears, but there's a good kind of fear as well."

"A good kind?" I demanded. "What the hell is that? Fear is fear!"

Mai smirked. "Don't worry, you'll understand some day too."

"Don't patronise me," I said warningly, returning my gaze to the clouds again. "And this pain, as well… it's annoying." My fingers traced a line down to my stomach before falling away, but the dull ache remained.

"Well, emotions are important," Mai said more quietly, following my gaze. "For my part, it's something I've learned from the Carnival. Indecisiveness is stupid. Leaving your true feelings asleep is a sin, because this world's so short and everyone in it so fragile. So from now on, I'm always going to make sure I accept them. The good fears." She shrugged. "Sometimes I'll get burned by that, but burns heal. It's the inside-out wounds that are harder to repair."

"You sure live in a simple way," I said, bemused.

"Well, yeah. But it isn't easy, all the same." Mai laughed. "People always mess things up. I'm no different."

"The important thing is to keep trying, or something lame like that?" I asked sarcastically.

Mai chuckled. "Pretty much. It's better than just giving up."

"That's so cheesy," I complained, closing my eyes.

"Happy endings are cliché, but we all still wish for them," Mai said, sounding amused. "You shouldn't be too fussy."

I nodded absently. "I wonder."

"Shall we go in again?" Mai suggested.

I shrugged and followed her, wondering what the hell good fears were, and whether Mikoto glomping me counted.

And what are my 'true feelings'? I wish someone would tell me, because I must have missed the epiphany briefing during the Carnival. But my reality is still ribbon-bound to her smile. A pain in the ass I can't or won't trade for anything.


	15. Chapter 15

**Windows of the Soul: Part Fifteen**

Too tired for smart comments. Please enjoy.

* * *

Natsuki.

My pride is such that I must be reduced to this, as I can never clearly communicate my thoughts to you when we are face to face. That's my fault, not yours. The dishonesty in me you've always known has not gone away, and I still protect myself. Now I'm also troubled by my memories, which are best recalled by your face. Everything I did was for you, so I feel my strongest regrets when your presence reminds me of that, my betrayal of you. Because of everything, then, I can't say these things to your face. But if it's possible, I still want you to be happy. And for my own selfish reasons, too, there are things I have to say.

I'm sorry for everything. Apologies are meaningless, but it's true. The Carnival was demanding in that we had one chance and the longest odds. It tested our quality, and I consistently made the worst possible decisions. Staying aloof and afraid until it was too late and you were on the brink. Using my power to fight the other Hime with the intention of winning for you. Destroying the First District. And of course, what I did to you. I don't know how much you remember. I sexually assaulted you. It's an action that makes everything I've done a lie, because that was not done out of love. If I were to try and find words for it, I would say I was afraid. No, I was scared out of my mind. You'd already left me with so many moments of hanging uncertainly, every time you went to fight. And if I had arrived any later than I had done, you would have died or worse. And now, I'd been dragged into that game. If I lost, you'd die. And I was afraid for myself, as well. I am a cowardly person. Those aren't excuses, as there are none. You must never forgive me for doing that.

Circumstances are always enemies, in my life. And our separation is also inevitable. I won't forget you, and you shouldn't mourn me. For my future, for my mother, for those I terrified in that battle, in all those respects it is the right thing to do. But for you, more than anything else, it is the best possible option. And also for me, if I am permitted to be selfish. You've probably noticed how easily you break my self-control. I can't give you any happiness, and I can't protect you. In a life that's already betrayed you so much and so tragically, you don't deserve to suffer by my hands. You don't have to force yourself for me any more. After such a long time suffering, you should smile again. That's what's best for you.

You're smart and strong and beautiful and as cruel as you need to be, as kind as you should be, a good person who came through the hell of the Carnival making the right choices from the very start. If that's simply your instincts, you should trust your instincts. You have friends now. Compared to the lonely, unfriendly girl I knew before, you have grown so much. That's why you should make your own decisions, and do what you want to do. There's no First District, no Orphans and no responsibilities left, so you can be the girl you are without being afraid now. That's something I want you to experience.

I still enjoy remembering our more innocent days. If it's possible, I would like that to be your image of me, when I'm gone.

Shizuru Fujino.

I can certainly picture her setting down her pen, or calligraphy brush or whatever it is princesses use to write letters, and radiating a slightly melancholy satisfaction. The mental image really, really pissed me off. She always thinks she's some wonderful martyr helping everyone else by sacrificing herself, doesn't she? Still so fucking unilateral.

I scrunched the letter up, sticking it into my pocket and kicking off my shoes. I walked across the room and threw myself onto the couch, groaning and burying my head in one of the cushions. Great. Just great. Not only did she say all sorts of complex things, not only did she flip my perception of our shared past like she was playing with pancakes, not only did she kiss me then carry on as if nothing had happened, but now she's left another complex, rambling and bloody annoying message through a letter she left here, either before we met today or after we parted. Is she actively trying to make me completely lose my mind? If she turns up dressed as a penguin and gives me valentine chocolates, I wouldn't consider that out of character any more. If I didn't know her so well, I'd swear blind that she was going out of her way to confuse me and give me a migraine trying to straighten everything out.

Actually, she might have done exactly that before. She does those things less now, and she frowns a lot more. I miss the old Shizuru. That's a horrifying thought, considering how much she teased me. But it's true. I really do miss her. That doesn't even make sense!

She's still completely confusing me. She doesn't even have to do anything in particular, any more, it just happens.

It really isn't fair.

Now, I_could _sulk for a bit and then go to sleep. But that's a bit like saying I _could_have fed Duran to Kagutsuchi without dying then left Fuka on a train. Putting everything else aside for a moment and thinking like a soldier, simply standing by would be complicity accepting the status quo. The coward's way out. And that's fine, if that's what I really want right now. My actual feelings are far too messed up for me to know with any clarity what I do want. The problem is that, in a day or a week, I may finally have defragmented my laggy mind and wake up one morning burning with regret for simply letting Shizuru go. Or perhaps anger for simply letting Shizuru do what she pleases without forcing her to listen to me. I can't afford to risk that kind of thing, and I understand the risk now. She's right, I've grown. I've seen first-hand what happens when you leave words unsaid, and I've felt enough regret to last me for more than my lifetime. Which means I have to think very fast and come to a conclusion tonight. That's like charging into a minefield and hoping that you don't get hit. Even if you make it out, you'll be hurting. But sometimes you need results fast.

So. Where do I start?

Someone needs to write a manual on this shit. But they'd have to release a special supplement on Shizuru. She complicates everything to _that_level of unnecessary intricacy.

I rolled over, looking at the ceiling. Yeah, drama aside, I don't have any dramatic answers. Just a headache. She's certainly right about her self-control, at least. Or, is it better to say that she likes kissing me? I blushed and scowled, berating myself for the blood rushing to my face. Why the hell should I be embarrassed about something like a memory? Isn't that just humiliating? But she's certainly… different. At different times. A kiss stolen from my sleep, and god knows what else. I reject those memories outright, because they sicken me. A kiss forced on me to prove a point, full of anger and self-hate. That was painful and frightening. And a kiss she asked for, for some reason, with- something else- altogether something different. A different feeling. I closed my eyes. Just why did I let her do that, anyway? Just a whim? Because she was going, so there was no harm in it? Because she looked so sad and lonely and vulnerable? And if I invert it, are those the reasons why she asked, after all those horrible things she's said about herself? More thoughts just lead to more questions, because her reasons remain mysterious even for that. Well, aside from the obvious. But the princess of ten thousand negative self-identifications shouldn't be able to do that at all.

And then there's the fact that, well, I let it happen. And this particular kiss didn't make me sick, though it was perhaps frightening. Or on the border of fright and excitement, like my motorbike. I suppose it could have been the danger of kissing Shizuru in itself that imprinted that moment so strongly in my mind. Somehow, though, that's how I want to remember her. Her eyes were soft and kind. She was trusting and vulnerable. Her body was warm and alive, as fragile as a doll but still beautiful. And her arms could protect me, and I could trust them. The messages my instincts relayed to me didn't sync up at all with the rational side of me. But that was fine, in that moment. The rational side of me had stalled, for a few moments. I hugged myself, rolling over again and facing the cushions. They were less accusatory than the walls. Was that really safe? Can I really trust someone who's already violated my trust that much before? Probably not, but no one told me, apparently. This… I guess I can understand Shizuru's feelings a little more, now. She knows her own emotions are bad for everyone, but she can't stop them with force of will alone. It's not just a matter of saying 'I don't feel'. That's what she tried, but the body's older than the mind. Any soldier knows that. The body always wins.

And the three kisses… are her three faces, as well. Her demonic side that flourished in such a terrifying way during the Carnival was behind the first kiss, that's certain. It's superficially just a monster, but I can see a little more clearly than that. Four parts fear, three parts insecurity, two parts obsession and one part unapologetic will. Whenever she's pushed to her erratic and wavering limits, I can see that in her eyes. It's as old as the body, a state that reduces everything to a simple matter of strength and determination. The second kiss is more or less where she is now. Where pained dignity meets her self-consciousness, often explosively. Neither normal nor her Carnival state, so burdened and so sad and so very angry. Even if she blames herself endlessly and abuses her own identity, there isn't a personality who can take that quietly. Least of all her and her pride. It hurts her, and beneath it all, there's that anger. She tries to suppress that, as well. And then the third. That's now who she was before. Before the Carnival, she'd never express those feelings. If the Carnival had never happened, she'd probably have suppressed them forever. Just an elegant form of that same collision, but this was different. For a very brief moment, there was simply sincerity and… fine… love, in her. Troubled, tentative, sad. Ashamed. But- I don't know. I don't think she can stay like that around me, unless I can be something I'm not.

Or something.

She bends certainties out of shape with her intensity, and I'm just left with an unending spiral of doubts. Fear, hate, anger, regret and pain, and what does she give me? Her peace is my peace, and when she's at her best, it's just so wonderful to be around her. Even her melancholy side is magnificent. That's why I'm struggling, isn't it? For a memory so beautiful I can't give it up even now. Logically, it's stupid, but that's I feel like clinging to.

From the start, this has been the difference between us. She's smart and perceptive and rational, which is probably why she does everything her way. I'm not got at the social stuff, which is probably why I do everything my way. I'll be the first to confess that I haven't got a flawless record. Failing to notice that my best friend was head over heels in love for me for at least six months, most likely more, is just a case in point. But when the chips are down, charging in with those instincts of mine hasn't served me too badly. Okay, sometimes it goes wrong. Mother springs to mind. But I'm always moving on. And Shizuru? She doesn't trust her own instincts. That isn't just a matter of post-Carnival stress disorder. Even before, she knew she loved me and never said a word, never even gave a sign. And when the Carnival started, she was too wrapped up in apprehension to do anything. Okay, so things exploded when she actually started trusting her feelings, but that's probably because they'd been twisted by suppression and time, or something. I hope, I'd rather that wasn't her natural side. But it's what Mai said… what I said Mai said… I forget. But it was something clever about emotions being like children. Child abuse is bad.

So, what are her instincts right now? Is this letter her sincere emotions? Does she really wish never to see me again? Or is she trying to impose her own rationality and logic again? I don't know, I can't tell just from a damn letter and a bunch of her contradictory, weird statements. Even in her fragile state, it's very hard for me to read her. She still takes everything onto herself, even when she's like this. She'll just decide, cutting me and my feelings out of the loop. So it's impossible for me to read her true feelings right now. Or would it be fairer to say that she doesn't know herself? Somehow, I suspect that whatever I'm going through, it's a lot worse for her. She has a few handy absolutes down, such as her love for me. But apart from that, she has more questions, less answers and no more strength to fight. I don't want her to think too much in this state, though I just know she's going to anyway. She'd only hurt herself.

That's why I need to think enough for two. But really, if I think about it, it doesn't matter whether this is her rationality or her instincts or both. I'm deciding what I am going to do, and that relies on my feelings alone. I'm not a sophisticate; I can't make everyone happy. Least of all in a situation like this. All I can do is fight my corner without hesitation or regret. That's all I've ever done, and that's what I'm going to do now. I don't know any other way.

Of course, that determination rather rests on deciding exactly what it is I want to do. I rubbed my forehead, yawning irritably.

It's been a long time, and it's not always been easy. She showed me so many things, like trust. She drove her hand through my back while I was crying and tore out my heart. After the hell we've been through, and how we've changed, I don't know whether I can ever feel as I did before. I certainly don't know whether it's possible for me to ever reach her or help her. And if there's any future for us, I don't see it. What we have between us is tangled up in so much impossibility.

Under those circumstances, I don't have a choice.

* * *

Mornings. It's impossible to believe in anything, in the morning. Except perhaps more sleep. But in my case, I might dream. Even this exhausted, faithless sickly awakening is better than that.

They'd taken almost everything from my room. From this room. My head curled back as I fought myself to awakening, remembering what that meant. Departure. Something I decided for myself. After those long and heavy days, a week was over, and I was going home. I probably wouldn't ever return here, unless they ask me to speak to some indeterminately distant new generation. A funny thought. I can't imagine that I'll have anything to say to them or them to me.

I forced myself up, pushing my tangled hair out of my eyes and rubbing them irritably. My limbs hurt and I had a foul taste in my mouth. That was not auspicious. I dressed quickly, trying to shake the stiffness out of my arms. The matter of dress was a tricky one, of course. At home, I am expected to wear kimono. But I'm not so young and naïve now that I feel like crossing half the country dressed like that. Evidently I've been corrupted. So I dressed in casual clothes instead.

I think it was Natsuki who said that first. That she never saw me when I wasn't wearing my school uniform, except when I was at the festival. She thought that was funny. So I found some friends and had them instruct me, and from then on, I made a point of seeing her on weekends as well, dressed up nicely. My friends thought I was after Reito or some other guy, and thought it was all very cute. Natsuki didn't really say anything, as she wasn't very conscientious back then. But I didn't mind. I enjoyed doing something new for Natsuki.

I shouldn't think about these things, at this time. I can't help it, though; all those memories are rising in me. Hard to bear. A white sleeveless shirt over my head, slightly crumpled. I shook my hair out, easing it from the collar and pushing it over my shoulders. But it can't be helped. My hands drifted up automatically, running through my hair, locating tangles and teasing them out. That's a memory. I saw her in that light, as well. Hideko used to do this for me, before I put a distance between her and myself. This is a morning ritual. Shizuru Fujino always has such wonderful hair. You'll never see a strand out of place. It's just typical of her, a beautiful person. I am so used to that persona that it is instinctive now. I rather envy Natsuki, who maintains her own public image but was never afraid to show me her more casual side. That was the nature of her trust. Even if I abandoned some of my pretences, I could never bring myself to really be at ease.

I glanced at the picture, then walked across the room and picked it up. Once again… those nostalgic memories. Nostalgia is a word used by people who prefer the present to the past, I think. At least, that's how I use it.

Someone knocked on the door. "Ojou-sama?" Hideko asked quietly.

"I'm awake," I said calmly, putting the picture down and turning to face the door. "Please come in."

She slid the door open and stepped through, bowing to me. "Viola-sama has called again. If you have the time?"

I nodded, closing my eyes. "I'll take care of it. Please take care of everything remaining here."

Hideko nodded quietly as I walked past her, heading to the lounge and taking the phone from a waiting maid. I sat formally. "Ka-sama?"

"_Good morning, Shizuru. Is everything fine?"_

"Of course. I will be leaving in an hour, and should arrive by mid-afternoon. Everything has been accounted for."

"_I see. I'm looking forwards to having you back home again."_

I closed my eyes. "Me too. It will be good to be back." I did my best to sound sincere.

"_Have you been sleeping well? You sound a little tired."_

"I'm fine," I said clearly. "There's no problem."

A chuckle. _"In a strict sense, Shizuru, that doesn't answer my question…but you definitely sound a little rough."_

"You'll see for yourself soon enough," I said evasively. Those damn aches in my limbs hadn't gone away, and my throat was hurting as well. Just what I needed, really. "How is father?"

"_He's in a good mood. He will be here to welcome you, as well." _

"I see," I said, moderately surprised. "That's good."

"_Yes, it is." _A moment's pause, and then a sigh. _"He was very worried as well, when he heard the news. We'll both be extremely glad to have you home, and away from that dangerous school."_

A slight knock, and I looked up, frowning. Hideko walked in and padded softly towards me. "I'm sorry for worrying you, but those were unusual circumstances," I said. "Please put your mind at ease."

"_Regardless of that, it's a matter for concern. We'll talk of that presently… though not before we catch up more pleasantly."_

She put my mobile phone in front of me then withdrew. When I glanced at the ID, I wasn't exactly surprised to see who it was from. It wasn't expected, as such, either, but it was surprising. "Very well," I said formally. "I'll endeavour to satisfy you. But if you could excuse me, a friend of mine has called."

"_Go ahead. I'll see you later, Shizuru."_

I'd already taken the call before she'd said that, and when she did I put down the phone without any more preamble. With my other hand, I brought my mobile to my ear. "Hello, Natsuki."

"_Hey, Shizuru. Are you up yet?"_

"I'm up," I said guardedly. Her voice struck me in a strange, guilty way, and I consciously steeled myself. If she had any last minute pleas, I would have to remain strong. "I'm just overseeing the last packing."

"_Okay, that's good. Can you come outside for a second?"_

"Outside?" I asked. "Are you there?"

"_I am. I finally know where you hide. Oh, and you'd better come quickly. I was faster than this, and I was half-dressed. Just how long does it take you to walk all the way the dorms from this place, anyway? It's long."_

I chuckled, relieved by her light tone. Perhaps this wouldn't be a painful struggle after all. "Very well, I'll be there shortly. Please wait for me."

"_Right. I'll see you in a second, Shizuru." _

I cut off the call, standing. "Jacket, please," I instructed. One of the maids had already fetched it. I shrugged it on over my shirt, placing the phone in one of the pockets. "Thank you," I said absently. "I will be back momentarily. Please continue with everything."

A graceful goodbye with Natsuki is just what I need, if she'll really be as graceful as she just sounded anyway. Perhaps I could gain some measure of closure after all. But as I analysed my momentary emotions as I walked, I'd be lying if I said that there was no disappointment there, either. What I needed was closure. If I'm honest with myself, what I wanted was for her to shake me by the shoulders and beseech me to stay. And in her reactions and my arrogance, that's almost what I had expected, as well. Reality had a strange taste to it, and it wasn't entirely pleasant. That's a truth I've encountered many times over.

I opened the door and stepped outside, looking around.

"Yo." Natsuki looked up and pushed herself off the wall, waving sheepishly at me. "How are you?"

"I'm good," I said absently. My mind took on a rucksack and a sports back at her feet, processed that information, decided there was no need to ask for confirmation, and tried to work out how to deal with the situation. "How are you?"

"I'm good," Natsuki said, trying to sound bold. She looked a little nervous, which wasn't surprising. "So you're going home today, right?"

"That's right," and abruptly, I had to smile. There was something so… innocent, about her, that it was slightly surreal. "How about you? I hope you haven't forgotten that revision schedule."

"Actually, I'm going on holiday," Natsuki said, folding her arms. "To Kyoto, in point of fact."

"Ara, is that so? I've heard that Kyoto is very nice at this time of year." I smiled. "And it's has a lot of buildings with historical significance, of course." I considered telling her I lived in Tokyo, just to see what she'd say, but decided against it.

"Exactly. It should be interesting, and don't worry. I know there's a good tutor who can help me with my work, as well." Her voice was a little stronger, now, as she got into things. Natsuki is always like that. She takes everything so seriously.

"So where will you be staying?" I asked. "A hotel?"

"I was planning to stay with a friend I know there. That saves me money, and she also happens to owe me an awful lot." Natsuki glared at me, emerald eyes bright. For the first time all morning, I genuinely forgot my sore legs. "That's not why I want to stay there in particular, though. She's a very important person to me, so I'm really looking forwards to spending more time with her."

I flushed slightly, flicking a strand of hair over my shoulder in an attempt to cover myself. "I see… is that really a good idea? If there circumstances-"

"What do I know about circumstances?" Natsuki asked, shrugging. She scowled, turning her head. "And I don't know anything about good or bad ideas, either. You see, I'm not a complicated person. I just work out whatever it is I want to do, and then I go do it. Right now, this is what you want to do."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"I'm sure," Natsuki said, her gaze settling on me again. "You see, I've thought this over. And, in objective terms, it's a bloody stupid thing to want to do. My friend has a pretty mixed record. I don't know her family at all, so I may hate them. She's done some horrible things to me, and to the people around me, and she's hurt me a lot because of that. We struggle to get on and we argue a lot and she often hurts me, even now. So it's completely stupid."

I forced myself to keep smiling, even though the truth really does hurt me. "I see. If that's the case, shouldn't you avoid her? Isn't that what's best for you?"

"That reminds. I'm not finished yet." Natsuki blinked, shaking her head. "On top of all that, my friend is a real pain in the ass, because she's always taking everything onto herself. She's super-smart and really good at what she does, so she assumes that she knows better than anyone else does what people should do. Even if loads of people are worried about her, she won't let them see her pain. And she's certainly decide everything for herself, without consulting me or my true feelings. She's rarely right about me, nowadays, because she keeps forgetting something very important."

"What is it she's forgetting?" I asked, keeping my expression even. But I shivered slightly. It was amazing how much she reminded me of how she looked, back then. When she settled things with me.

"That I care about her, despite all this crap," Natsuki said firmly. "And I more than care about her. She's still the most important person I know."

"I wonder whether she knows how lucky she is," I said weakly. I feel such guilt, when she says things like that. I don't deserve it, but… I am human.

"Exactly. So, I'm crashing at your place for a while." Natsuki folded her arms and turned away. "Got it?"

I raised a hand, trying to find the right words. "My family aren't prepared-"

"Then I'll eat your dinners and sleep in your bed," Natsuki said brusquely. "Or else I'll starve and sleep on the floor. It's all good."

"And you'll be away from your friends for a long time, which isn't good right now, because-"

"We can keep in touch. If you're worried about it, you can invite them as well. But I don't really care about that." Natsuki glanced at me, sniffing. "The number one priority is right here."

"You're not being very reasonable," I said wearily. But I'll admit, I liked the 'number one priority' thing. Just a little.

"You weren't very reasonable when you just decided to leave. And even if I am being unreasonable, I suggest you deal with it. I'm imposing myself on you."

I smiled weakly. "Well, I understand that, and I owe you more than that, but for my part-"

"You what? You'd rather forget about me and live as if we'd never met? I'm not going to let you do that." She pouted. "Someone has to puncture your ego. Now give up and surrender with dignity. You can't win."

"I can understand your feelings, but I really don't think this is a good idea," I said worriedly. "As you said before, I don't make you happy, and that's something I've also admitted myself, so it's very illogical to force yourself to do this."

Natsuki sighed, shaking her head irritably. "You don't get it, do you? I'm not forcing myself to do anything. You're the problem here." She drew herself up, pointing at me. "If things are tough, we stick it out. Don't run away from the problem, but fix it. That's why you're a coward! As a conscientious friend, that's not something I can just accept! So this is also something I want to do, and I'm not forcing myself."

I blinked, smiling sincerely. "As ever, you're spontaneous and simplistic in the extreme…"

"Aren't you the one forcing yourself? You actually want me to come, right?" Natsuki said in an accusing way. "Don't try to lie. It's written all over your face. That's why you just give up in a dignified way."

"As I said, for my part," I began. "Well, I'm certainly forcing myself. But you've come out of nowhere and tried to do something I explicitly don't want you to do, with no prior notice and nothing I can tell my parents and no consideration for my feelings, regardless of your own… so I'm certainly forcing myself not to smile too much." I sighed and smiled regardless, rubbing my forehead. "Ara, ara. This is such a Natsuki course of action. Altogether too macho."

Natsuki shrugged and smiled back. "I'm just emulating how you normally do things."

"In any case," I opened my mouth and tried to work out what to say. I certainly needed to make myself clear. I couldn't ever accept this, not for any fault of hers, but for my own part, as… because… something selfish… "I guess it's fine," I said, shrugging. "You aren't really giving me a choice, after all."

I know I'm going to regret this decision later, but that's fine. As I am now, she's recalled in me the happiest moments of our past, and she's made it a present as well. Her feelings and her smile in themselves merit more rewards than I have to give.

Or something. Perhaps I'm just a fool for her cute pout, I don't know.

"In any case," I said airily. "Do you have train tickets?"

Natsuki blinked. "Train tickets? Don't you take a Rolls Royce or something?"

This time, I couldn't stop myself from giggling. "Ara. You're going to give me a very interesting day."


	16. Chapter 16

**Windows of the Soul: Part Sixteen**

Well, the last chapter was... well recieved. I need to try this "happiness" business more often.

* * *

"Yes. Sorry for troubling you at such short notice." Shizuru cocked her head, frowning. "Then, if it's fine… thank you. I'm sorry I didn't give you proper warning of this, but it was a rather unexpected development." She fell silent for a moment. "So we'll see you in a little while. Until then, bye." She folded her mobile away, nodding and smiling at me. "Okasama talked to otousama. He has no particular objections."

I nodded guardedly, trying not to look relieved. "Naturally. That's why I say you're too uptight. Even if it's your parents, I don't plan on bothering them."

"Of course. You're very considerate." Shizuru smiled playfully. "But otousama also sounds very interested in you as well. He's often said that you can tell the calibre of a man from the company he keeps."

"Well, you're a woman. You don't count," I said stubbornly. "It'll be fine. Don't worry."

"I'm not worrying," Shizuru said, leaning forwards. "But I don't want you to be intimidated by my parents, either. They have strong personalities."

"I'm used to that, I know you. I can deal with another two Fujino easily enough," I lied. "So stop worrying."

"Oh, and okasama is an albino. Please don't stare when you meet her."

I blinked. "Huh?"

Shizuru shrugged. "It's exactly as I said. Occasionally, our more ill mannered guests stare. I don't want Natsuki to fall into that trap, as she always picks up on it."

"But… you're not an albino," I pointed out.

"It's not a dominant trait. The chance of me being albino was always low."

"I see." I frowned. "You never mentioned this before."

"It's not very important," Shizuru said absently. "Jut remember not to stare and you'll be fine, as I said. Her vision is quite poor but she deals with it as well as could be expected. Just treat her as a normal person and you'll get on with her. But if you look on her as some kind of freak, she'll make your life very miserable. In a polite way."

"Don't worry, I'm not someone tactless like Nao or anything," I said, shrugging. "I'll be fine. I've seen weirder things, to say the least."

"That very much is an understatement," Shizuru agreed, tilting her head to look out the window. "But you're right. Eccentric, but my parents are decent people. They will take to you."

"No pressure, huh?" I asked, following her gaze. The Japanese countryside whipped past us as the train drove relentlessly on. It was a very sedate form of travel, far more so than a long car journey. Nothing to do but sit back and relax. In that respect, it does suit Shizuru. I'm just surprised she isn't flying.

"If it's Natsuki, rest easy. Your charm will see you through." Shizuru gave me a coy, teasing look. "If not, just shout at them in your determined voice."

"If so say so," I said evasively. She's in a good mood, all of a sudden. "But, honestly, when I think about it, this is a weird situation, isn't it?" I asked. "Like meeting in-laws or something."

Shizuru chuckled. "Well, please don't think of it in those terms. It's as a friend that they'll approve of you. Even if they completely hated you, I'd defend you anyway. So it's fine."

"Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence," I said sarcastically. "Makes me feel a lot better."

"It's true, though. I wouldn't let a friend like you go just because they told me to do so."

I considered that a bit hypocritical, but decided not to call her on it. That was better than the alternative. "So, what are they like as parents? Big on scary arranged marriages and stuff?"

"We haven't discussed that much so far. My parents expect me to complete a good education and learn how to run Fujino affairs, as the only child." Shizuru frowned. "Though it wouldn't be unexpected for that to be raised eventually. My parents were married in that way, and they get on quite well."

"For them, perhaps," I said cautiously. "But is that really okay for you?"

"I will concern myself with that when it becomes an issue," Shizuru said.

"That really isn't your style, you know," I said thoughtfully. "Normally you plan ahead about anything."

"I hadn't picked my university course in middle school. If it ever happens, this would be to that degree of distance. A lot can change in that time."

I didn't even need to ask whether her parents knew she was gay. If it's Shizuru, who didn't tell anyone at all, they certainly don't. And if I recall her words about herself correctly, she doesn't even need bigoted parents to give her a complex about it. Just another thing for me to worry about, on several levels.

"You sure have a distant life," I remarked idly, spinning out words. "Miai, rich parents, the Fujino name, an albino mother… you really are a princess, just like I've always said."

"I don't think mother's condition has anything to do with that," Shizuru said amicably.

"Hmm. I dunno… doesn't it have a royal feeling?" I said lightly. "I mean, it's like haemophilia or something. Half the male royals in Europe were supposed to be haemophiliacs, right? Because of Victoria. I have been reading some history."

"I'm glad you're working hard, and amused that hereditary conditions are somehow regal now." Shizuru gave me an indifferent look. "But if that's how you see it, I'll accept that legacy without regret. I can't exactly pretend I'm ordinary."

"That's for sure," I agreed. "And I'm not ordinary either, though in a different way. I've always wondered, about various things. But I don't suppose it matters too much."

"In any case, if we're talking about family matters, we should start with that striking hair of yours," Shizuru teased. "I considered myself unusual… until I arrived at Fuka."

"This?" I asked, touching my hair absently. I looked out the window. "It's from my mother. I remember that much."

"I see," Shizuru said. "She must have been beautiful."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm the one thing you can't be subtle about, for some reason."

"Ara. Natsuki is Natsuki." As if that explained anything.

"Well, she was beautiful," I said, voice soft. "I remember that, as well. And she had glasses. Odd that I don't. Perhaps it was inevitable, as I'm always out fighting when she was indoors typing… or so I imagine her."

Shizuru just nodded slightly, not saying anything.

I sighed. "It's hard to believe now, that I looked up to my memory of her so much. Well, it's fine." I looked back at Shizuru with difficulty. "I don't need past idols. I'm stronger without anything like that. In the end, my memories of her only got in my way."

"But a sense of past connection is important to people, and difficult to destroy." Her red eyes regarded me thoughtfully. "I'm sure you can understand that."

I shrugged and nodded, deciding to change the conversation. "In any case, that's where my hair comes from. It's no weirder than your own, you know."

Shizuru chuckled. "Of course. It certainly suits you, Natsuki."

"Naturally," I said, closing my eyes. "But as you said before about something else, it isn't really important. If I were you, I'd worry more about my deadeye… special skills, and athletic ability." Sometimes I forget we're in a public place, not best suited to discussion of the Carnival or anything illegal. Something that beggars an important question. Is the Carnival strictly illegal? It seems too weird to be covered by legislation.

Shizuru giggled again. "Very scary. I'll bear that in mind."

If you kill a Child and someone dies, does that make you guilty of murder or manslaughter? Come to that, could anyone enforce something like that in the courts? It's an interesting question…

"But do you have everything you need?"

"Huh?" I asked, glancing at her again. No time for pointless speculation.

"In your bags," Shizuru explained. "I should have asked you earlier, but it slipped my mind. You gave me a lot to think about, and just as much to worry about, naturally. I'm not done with either yet."

"Well, I have changes of clothes and various other essentials," I said. "Some of my biking magazines for reading, sandwiches for lunch, and things like that. Oh, and I ended up bringing Midori's Sailor Moon collection. I'm not sure why, but it felt like a good idea at the time."

"Such an unusual young woman," Shizuru said ambiguously, her eyes amused. "But how about your revision? Did you bring your textbooks and everything?"

I blinked for a moment, then winced. "Actually… I think they slipped my mind."

"Ara, Ara. This could be troublesome." Shizuru pouted. "I certainly hope that wasn't deliberate."

"Well, they were heavy," I said defensively. "Even if I had taken them, they'd have weighted a ton. It's fine, isn't it?"

"You can borrow some of our books, so you'll be fine, but it does mean a little more work for you," Shizuru said, smirking at me. "You can't annotate borrowed work, I'm afraid, even if it's me."

"Yeah, yeah. If it's you teaching, it'll be fine," I said, folding my arms decisively. "But what are you going to do when you're back, anyway? I hope it's not just the same as all that revision you'd set me before."

"Well, it's only revision if you've actually studied a topic at all," Shizuru pointed out. "And besides, you're still required to do that for your own sake. That reminds me, I'll have to write and explain everything to the staff later." She smiled at me. "As ever, you give me a lot of trouble when your mind is set on something at the exclusion of everything else."

"Right back at you," I said moodily. "I definitely learn that one from you."

"Of course. But in my case, teachers aren't involved." Shizuru glanced at me. "But what do you want to do? I have no strong opinions, so I'm happy to do anything you ask for."

I don't know. "I don't know, don't ask me back all of a sudden," I said warningly. "It's your city, isn't it?"

"Well, as I said before, it has a lot of historically significant buildings, as well as temples and various other things. I don't know how much those things interest you, but they are there."

"Hmm. I know. You can show me Kyoto University," I said decisively. "I wouldn't mind seeing the latest place cursed to teach you."

"I think it's mostly closed in summer, and I have no personal familiarity with it, I'm afraid," Shizuru said. "I just applied there because that's what was expected of me, without knowing much. We were trapped in very unfortunate circumstances during the typical preparation period, after all."

"Well, that's true," I admitted. "You can ad lib something, though. You generally do."

"But that reminds me," Shizuru said quietly, glancing at me. "We need to be very careful. Okasama will want a specific explanation as to everything I did earlier this year. It's best if our stories match on the major details."

"We haven't even arrived and you're already asking me to lie for you," I chided.

"In my case, I believe that some lies are useful and good. This is one of them." Shizuru glanced seriously at me, frowning slightly. "Even if okasama knows some of the truth, she won't understand the rest of it. Even if she did, there wouldn't be anything useful she could say. In order to stop her from being worried, lying is the least I can do."

"Well, I get your reasons. But the whole idea still disturbs me."

"You'll be fine. You're not bad at these things. Lying, that is." Shizuru smiled. "You did that a lot to me, but I did it even more to you. If it's between us, keeping okasama in the dark should be possible. But we do have to be careful. Unless distance is muddling my memory, she's not a simple person to fool. That's why we should work these things out now."

I sighed, rubbing my forehead. "You're pretty light-hearted about this, aren't you?"

Shizuru shook her head. "No. Like I said, lying to mother is serious business." She closed her eyes slightly, leaning back. "Searrs' attack is known, if not to that attribution. I wasn't involved in that very much, so that's fine. If possible, in fact, it would be good to make that sound like the bigger deal."

"Okay, fine," I said, nodding practically. It's not like I don't know about the need for secrecy, if you live our kind of life. It would be nice to be able to do without it. "I remember enough about it, after all. Without mentioning the meaning of it, just talking about those bastards is fine." I frowned. "The problem point is the Carnival, right?"

Shizuru nodded, keeping her eyes closed. It was a distancing device, I suppose, but it takes a lot of trust to do that. I should know, as well.

"Well, let's be straight-forwards about it," I said bluntly. "I suspect that everything within Fuka will be accounted for. Well, this is the digital age, and you can find things on the net… but someone's purging that data as well. You aren't worried about anything like that?"

Shizuru opened her eyes briefly, shrugging. "No. In general… I was careful, when I had to be. The problem is the fact that I left my house without a word and was absent for a considerable amount of time, unaccounted for, and then came back a mess. I've managed to forestall Hideko's probes, but I can't do that nearly so easily with my parents."

I nodded. "So, what have you said before?"

"I've not committed myself to a concrete story, but I implied abduction. Which is rather shameless." Shizuru turned away, frowning. "I've also made it clear I don't want to talk about at it, and that I wasn't harmed too badly."

"Then I just have to say you disappeared for a while," I said. "No need for anything more complicated than that?"

Shizuru nodded slightly. "And please advocate for my mental stability. As hypocritical as it is for me to ask for that, but I don't want to have to see a psychologist about this. It's not a conversation I can even begin."

"Well, quite. We're all alike in that respect." I sighed. It's never easy. If they hadn't been cut to pieces, would the First District have offered counselling? For the one remaining Hime, a goddess, it seems like they'd have a good reason to stop any post-traumatic stress disorder. But if it's those bastards, I don't think they'd really mind. They never cared for us, that wasn't policy. Probably made things easier.

"Lying is very tiring," Shizuru said, resting her head on her hands. "It takes a lot of work just to keep track of the lies needed, and even if it's simple denial, it's never easy. If I think about it, that may be why I'm so tired."

I'm getting the hang of this. She's sad, so I cheer her up. Some of the things we need to say will do this to her, and to me. But I am the one who is allowed to smile. "What are you talking about, idiot?" I asked gruffly. "That's because you're not getting enough sleep. Your eyes are all messy again. Just when are you going to bed anyway?"

Shizuru smiled apologetically. "Yesterday was special, I had things to oversee…"

"Oh, really?" I asked sharply. "It seems like a lot of days are special recently, you know. Isn't that a funny thing?"

I would have pressed her further, but my phone rang. I glared at her, making it perfectly clear this conversation wasn't over, then pulled it out and glanced at the ID.

Shit.

"I'll be back in a second," I said hurriedly, standing up. "I need to take this."

I just caught Shizuru's puzzled nod before I hurried down the aisle and through the door, ending up next to the toilets. I brought the phone to my ear, accepting the call. "Kuga. What is it, you bastard?"

"Business as usual. I have something to report to you, regarding the most recent contract you took out with me." As ever, his voice was clipped and cold.

I looked around cautiously. "Yes. Which part of it?"

"The part pertaining to crimson."

I managed to avoid groaning, touching my forehead irritably. "Okay. What is it? This had better be important."

"It is within the bounds of the contract. Anything bar that is for you to decide. But stated plainly, inquiries from other parties have been made pertaining specifically to crimson."

"I see," I said cautiously, processing this. It could be bad, but it didn't have to be bad. "What kind of inquiries?"

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that."

"Right. And who are they approaching?"

"_They approached me." _Yamada let that statement echo for a moment, then continued. _"I am sure you can appreciate the conflict of interest inherent in this."_

"Don't forget, bastard, I paid you first," I said hotly. "You have no right to give them anything-"

"I did not negotiate those terms. As matters stand, I am within my rights. The other party is paying me, of course. You can outbid them if you like, to buy my silence."

For a moment, I considered taking him up on that. Then thought replaced reflex. "No, forget it. Even if I buy you off, they'll just find someone else, and I've wasted my money." I frowned, thinking as I talked. Perhaps this apparent misfortune was a blessing, actually. "But would it be possible for you to give them misinformation?"

"That isn't within your reach. If I am to have integrity as a professional, I cannot give deliberately false information. I have a reputation to consider, after all."

"Damnit." I scowled, but remembered to keep my cool. You have to keep a businesslike head with these people, and it was all coming back to me. "Then what can you tell me about the client? I should be able to buy that from you, right?"

A moment's pause. _"As of yet, nothing specific has been organised. That would be possible. Shall I arrange a meeting?"_

"I can't. I'm not in the city right now." I closed my eyes. "Listen, this is a bad time. I will get back to you. Call me at eleven tonight and we can negotiate. I'll pay you in the same way I make the regular payments."

"Understood. Until then."

"Right."

"But I'll tell you something for free. Crimson is very popular in certain circles. You should be careful."

"Oh, really?" I asked cockily. "What's it to you?"

"I hate losing good customers."

The phone went dead, and I glared at it. "Theatrical bastard."

* * *

I sighed, looking out of the window. So much space crossed so quickly, without much regard for it. Practical but also an unpleasant reminder of our insignificance. If was to live for ten thousand years, I would not be able to know all of the land I'm passing over in this string of brief moments.

That's a side-show, though. Like people everywhere, I can only truly worry about those things that are in front of me. In this instance, Natsuki, for whether she's present or absent she always remains what I see. Predictably enough, I've managed to work myself around to some regret. I have to ask so much of her, and I have so little to give. That's painful. But I'm not in that bad a mood right now, because her smile is so fine and her words so kind. I'll admit, I would be willing to surrender myself to this world. It would be nice, to think that I was forgiven, and that everything was kind. To sustain delusions as heavy as my darkest nights, but warm ones, that my mind can trusted and my feelings rendered peaceful by her simple, trusting friendship. I could almost believe that, before we had to speak of that time again. Those heavy and oppressive memories are more than a moment's blooming happiness can sweep away. Even so, though, I have to fight. I will fight. Natsuki didn't come this far and act this way to make me unhappy and see me unhappy, so I must be strong for her. If that will allow her to live without guilt and sad thoughts about me, I will go that far and further.

It's a little ironic that I'm willing to sacrifice my feelings for her as a way of redeeming myself from the time when I sacrificed my innocence and purity for her. That's more than a little hypocritical, I suppose. But that one singular event remains the fundamental difference between now and then. I will never, ever let that happen again.

I wonder what my parents would say, if they'd seen those days. I can't imagine they'd even want to see me ever again.

Natsuki returned sheepishly to her seat, smiling awkwardly. "Sorry about that."

"No, not at all," I said, glancing at her. "I'm glad you showed consideration for everyone around you."

"Yeah, well, isn't just a pain when people have no self-awareness?" Natsuki said. "It just pisses me off…"

"Who was that, though?" I asked casually. "Mai-chan?"

Or, in other words, there's no strength in that voice, or conviction in those eyes.

"Uh, yeah. That's right," Natsuki said awkwardly. "She was checking where I'd gone, as I hadn't explained very clearly earlier in the morning."

"I see," I said evenly. "I hope you're not troubling your friends, Natsuki. As I said, they are important for you now."

"I know. But they understand, so it's fine. You don't need to make a fuss." Natsuki folded her arms. "How about you? Even I didn't know until you told me a week ago, so haven't you just left a whole bunch of your precious fangirls in the lurch?"

"I didn't know them specifically, so simply announcing it to everyone would be arrogant," I replied. "Even my closest companions from that group have other things to worry about now, as well. They're fine spending time from each other."

"Really?" Natsuki asked cynically. "I hope none of them are heart-broken or anything like that."

"I shouldn't think so," I said idly. "It's quite interesting, but I won't deny that a few people who otherwise didn't have much in common came together alongside me."

"Isn't a club a place where you meet people with common interests?" Natsuki snorted. "I guess a whole bunch of crazy stalkers got to know each other. Wonderful."

"You're very uncharitable. They're all very good girls." I shrugged slightly.

"Well, isn't it just creepy? Looking up someone that much?"

I derailed any mental comparisons I could make before they started. No point in upsetting myself. "I don't think so. Natsuki is lucky, because of your various personal qualities. But a lot of my younger friends were very ordinary. For someone like that, role models are hard to come by in this world, and the common ones aren't very advisable." I shrugged, sizing up her reaction. "The only creepy think about it is I, when I played on those emotions so easily, and in a rather deceptive way. I've become accustomed to acting in a way that differs markedly from my true self."

Natsuki frowned. "Well, you should try and change a bit now, right? No more fangirls."

"As I said, lying is tiring. But I also said I would have to keep doing it, because of who I am. You're the same, right?" I asked innocently.

Natsuki frowned and nodded. "A little, I guess. But never in a way where I really hate myself for it. Well, apart from when I hid so much from you. I regret that, to say the least."

"You shouldn't," I replied. "I can accept and appreciate your feelings of trying to protect me."

"They don't count, though. I was just being selfish, and you know it. In the end, I worried you so much… but things are always difficult. And I was always protecting you, so it felt right. It was natural." She looked at me with a complex expression, frowning sadly.

"Well, I did the same thing to you, and worse," I said. "You shouldn't regret what you did to me, because it means I have to regret tenfold what I returned to you."

"Well, that is one thing I don't get," Natsuki said hurriedly. "Just… why did you hide the fact that you're gay? The perfection thing?"

I winced. "Please, Natsuki," I said quietly. "Can we consider our environment?"

"No, but that's what I don't get," Natsuki replied, lowering her voice slightly. "I don't know why you feel you have to hide anything. It's no big deal."

"Would that were so… on purely pragmatic grounds alone, it is an enormous problem. You shouldn't be naïve."

"Maybe I am naïve, but you aren't helping things either, are you?" Natsuki shrugged uneasily. "If it you in Fuka, at least, everyone would have accepted it. You were Kaichou-sama."

"Perhaps, but I certainly couldn't accept it," I said warningly. "I still can't. If I think what has come of it… well, it isn't a conversation I want to have, Natsuki. Least of all on a train."

"Alright," Natsuki said, shrugging. "But I still think it's a pity. You'd be a good role model."

"As I said, I wasn't sincerely a role model anyway," I reminded her. "I just played at that."

"Is there such a thing as a real role model? You just had to be good enough." Natsuki sighed, leaning back and resting her head on the chair. "In any case, it's a gloomy kind of conversation, isn't it? We should be talking about something else."

She started talking about… that. But I can't blame her, exactly. I just don't understand why she doesn't understand. Natsuki, of all people, should get that I'm sick in that respect. What comes naturally to me is so unnatural. Her memories alone should remind her of that, but perhaps this is her kindness again. I don't know.

"What we can agree on is that our lives are pretty rubbish," Natsuki said casually. "If anyone knew about our… special talent, I suspect some important people would be very interested in emulating that."

"That doesn't seem very possible," I noted. "Not least with how things ended."

"Well, no one told those important people. And it's not like we understand either, right?" Natsuki frowned. "And isn't that Alyssa girl a clear example that the principle's sound?"

"I think you're being a little paranoid," I said, smiling. It was a smile for her, because I understand her logic all too well.

"Probably," Natsuki said. "But the matter stands. We have to deceive people a lot, thanks to that. That's not going to end, is it?"

I shook my head. "Probably not."

"Yeah. We need to keep doing that," Natsuki said, her voice tense. "I guess I don't need to tell you that, but it really is important. I miss Duran, when I think of the large and dangerous world we live in."

"Nothing's happened. We'll be fine."

"Nothing's happened yet, right?" Natsuki said pointedly. "So we should still be careful. This is probably a stigma we're going to have to bear our whole lives."

"This is an abrupt conversation," I said lightly. "Afraid my parents are going to turn us in?"

"No, I've just been thinking a little. Well, all I'm saying, is that we should be careful." Natsuki kept her voice casual. "You're still following my advice, right?"

"I am. If it's your request, that's natural."

"Good. I'm probably being paranoid, but I've found that a useful skill throughout my life."

"This is what frustrates me," I said abruptly. "Those worries of yours. You shouldn't have to be concerned about things like that, not after everything you've already been through."

"I'm just being realistic," Natsuki said defensively.

"That's what I mean. It's the fault of the world that these dangers exist. And at that carnival, I sincerely wished to change that world with my own hands." I kept my face impassive as I saw her surprise. "Of course, I can appreciate more clearly now the simple truth that the world can't be changed that easily. Nor would you welcome it."

"That's something I understand as well," Natsuki replied. "I had the same feelings, and they came to the same end."

"I have a lot of regrets. Too many to name." I was speaking for the sake of speaking, I suppose, but she always has that effect on me. And I do crave some measure of acceptance, so I play with her like this. "You know, I was thinking about that. And it does… sadden me. To present myself as a good girl to my parents after all this time, and everything I've done…" I trailed off. "Well, it isn't important."

"It's simple, isn't it?" Natsuki asked. "You can do that for them, not yourself. They deserve that much, don't they? That's why you need to keep lying, as well. It's for their sake, not your own."

I nodded slightly. "You're right. That makes sense."

"Well, not really. It only makes sense to gloomy people like you. You want to be happy, so you should just let yourself do that."

"I do wish things were that simple."

"So do I." Natsuki smiled softly, relaxed again. It's a surprisingly simple expression, coming from her. "But I'm glad you can talk about it. I want to understand your feelings more. So you should promise to tell me more about yourself, over this time."

I frowned, regarding her coolly. "That might not be wise. But if that's what you want… can I make my own request?"

"Sure. Shoot."

"Little by little, but you should tell me about what you really think about me," I said steadily. "Not the kind things you adopt, not what's socially acceptable, but your true thoughts and feelings. Because the difficulty of your request for me is equal to that, an unkind request. Sometimes misunderstanding is better than truth, after all."

"I'll take those odds," Natsuki said steadily. "This way is better than the alternative."


	17. Chapter 17

**Windows of the Soul: Part Seventeen**

Conspiracies, ancient and modern, are something that suffuse Mai Hime and make it into something of a cat's cradle. Sadly, human fallibility, curiousity, camera-phones and the internet would make them hard to guard. And a certain Hime destroyed the organisation dedicated to the cover-up work.

The idea of snapshots of Kiyohime haunting the web is certainly amusing, to say the least.

* * *

Shizuru stopped for a moment, glancing sidelong at me. "Well, for what it is worth, welcome to my home."

I looked around the obnoxiously large grounds. "You know, I'm not even surprised," I said dryly.

"Then I'll apologise for being exactly what I appear to be in that respect," Shizuru said, smiling slightly. "A rather privileged child. I hope that doesn't offend you."

"Well, I'm not a jealous person. That would be a waste of time." I looked around cynically. "Raked gravel, check. Trees, check. And if I'm not mistaken, that's a pond over there."

"Let's just go inside, shall we?" Shizuru asked. "Before you say any more uncharitable things."

"Sure, whatever." We walked up the path in amicable silence while I tried to take everything in. It's always useful to know your environment. And it wasn't much different from the kind of house she'd lived in at Fuka. Just bigger. Far bigger. You'd certainly sincerely be able to get lost in this place. "Just what do your parents do, anyway? Is this all old money?"

"That's right. We are the Fujino family, after all."

"I see. How depressing."

"And okasama is a major stock-market investor, specialising in shipping companies. Her own roots are in such a family. Otousama is on the board of directors of a construction company who are big in office development, and also has major ties to electronics." Shizuru grinned in a catlike way. "Even for my family, Natsuki, we must adapt."

"I see," I said, glancing at her. "Somehow, that image doesn't really fit with this house. Or you, for that matter."

"Perhaps," Shizuru admitted. "We have more modern properties elsewhere. But this, on a fundamental level, is home." She looked around, lips curling slightly. "For my part, I haven't seen it for quite some time. It hasn't changed at all."

"It hasn't changed for a hundred and fifty years, you mean," I said. "This place is an anachronism. Heck, you're one as well, aren't you? Why learn calligraphy when you spend half your life working on a computer?"

"Sadly, that's true. But those things are hobbies. This place, too, is a hobby of a kind for us." Shizuru chuckled. "We can afford to have very expensive hobbies."

"But are all those things hobbies you chose and liked, or are they things you do because you're expected to do them?" I asked pointedly. "If I look around, I certainly get an impression of that kind of expectation."

"I do enjoy most of it, actually," Shizuru said. "And if that's sincerely the case, why should I rebel for the sake of it? That would be another example of acting on expectations, or rather, what I would expect of myself…"

I sighed. "There you go, making everything complicated again."

"The world is a complicated place. But I do take a simple pleasure in my pretensions, and my family's pretensions, to a bygone age. Even if we've developed an arrogant habit, it pleases us." Shizuru glanced thoughtfully at me. "And if so many beautiful things are disappearing, isn't that just too sad? Making the past a present in a small way has something to recommend itself."

"As far as it goes. But the past certainly had plenty of its own problems."

"Of course." Shizuru nodded at the servants waiting at the door. These ones were guys, which moderately surprised me. "Has everything been arranged?"

One bowed his head to her. "Certainly. Welcome home, ojou-sama. Shinri-sama is currently away on business, but Viola-sama is waiting for you in the third sitting room."

Another looked expectantly at me. "I will take your bags, ojou-sama."

"That, again? Can't you call me something more normal?" I asked. "And I can carry my own bags, come to that. Where should I put them?"

"You're attitude is commendable, but it's probably better if you act as we expect," Shizuru said delicately.

"But isn't just… I don't know," I said awkwardly, frowning at her.

"Please think of yourself as an honoured guest here," the first footman said smoothly. "If we do not fulfil our duty, that would trouble us."

"But-"

"It would also trouble us if you took unusual actions," he remarked, smiling slightly. "Please be at ease, this is our job. Your bags will be put in your room and unpacked properly."

"Don't unpack them, damnit!" I frowned, then slid my sports bag off my shoulders. "Just put it in my room. I will deal with everything from there."

"As you wish," the footman said, bowing and taking it. The other took my rucksack when I slid it off, and they both withdrew.

"You have an endearing attitude," Shizuru teased, smiling at me.

"Shut up," I said defensively, flushing. "I'm not used to this stuff. It's just strange to be called that by someone a lot older than me."

"Then I've been strange ever since I can remember. You get used to it with time." Shizuru regarded me, looking slightly amused. "If it's any help, please imagine this is a luxury hotel, and that you paid an enormous amount of money to stay here. My family pay an even more ludicrous amount of money to maintain it and the treatment our guests receive is the least manifestation of that. So consider it what is expected."

"That would be easier to do if it was our money we were talking about," I said defensively, following her as she started to walk. "I'm sure it's fine for you, but I'm still getting my head around the whole concept, and I haven't really done anything to deserve being here. I'm just normal."

Shizuru giggled. "You're far from normal, I suspect, in many different ways."

"Perhaps, but this way isn't one of them," I said moodily. "Unlike you, I wasn't born to it, and it makes me feel rather out of place."

"If it truly troubles you, I will speak to our butler," Shizuru offered. "If you would be more comfortable with a different mode of address, at least, that could be changed."

I snorted. "That wouldn't really help, if it was just an order. That's just the same, isn't it?"

"I suppose so." Shizuru walked up a wide, spacious corridor confidently. "I hope it won't trouble you too much."

"I'll get used to it, of course," I said absently, looking at the traditional art hung on the walls. Birds, water, trees, and that kind of thing. No family portraits, or at least not here anyway. I wouldn't mind seeing a thousand years of Shizurus staring down at me, though it could be a little creepy. "But you really do have a luxurious lifestyle."

"That's true. My parents work hard for it, though, as I mentioned before." Shizuru glanced at me. "This house is too big, and most of the servants are unnecessary. The expense is considerable and must be supported. So rather than seeing this as a hereditary privilege, it would be better to see it as another aspect of our rather strange hobby. As we said before."

"If you say so," I conceded, following her around a corner. "I'm surprised to here you say 'our' so much, though. You don't normally talk about your family much, except in an abstract sense. But you do like all this 'as a Fujino' stuff."

"There is family in the specific, who are my parents," Shizuru began. "But there's also family in the sense of values, traditions, pride, and the dead." She smirked. "As a Fujino, I value the latter considerably."

Up another corridor. How many were there? "I'll bear that in mind," I said lightly. "So do I meet your abstract or your real parents?"

"The real ones. And we're here, actually," Shizuru said, stopping in front of a sliding door. She glanced at me. "If I could trouble you, can I introduce you to okasama for a few minutes?"

"Of course. I am freeloading at her house." I brushed my hair back over my shoulder automatically, watching as she nodded and knocked.

"Come in." A clear, dignified voice. Tinged with heavy Kyoto-ben, needless to say.

Shizuru opened the door and stepped through. "I'm home, Ka-sama."

"Welcome home, Shizuru." Shizuru's mother sat on her knees on top of a cushion, looking up at us with a faint smile. Her long hair was a perfect white, matching her skin. She titled her head, turning pinkish eyes towards me. "And this is your friend…"

"Hi," I said, trying not to stare. It was hard, and I was glad I had been warned. Even if you become accustomed to the supernatural, this was something else. An otherwise normal person, subtly different. That was a different kind of strangeness, and one that wasn't easy to shake.

"Ka-sama, this is my good friend, Natsuki Kuga," Shizuru said formally. "Natsuki, this is Viola Fujino, and Saaya."

The black-haired servant sitting just behind Viola merely smiled and nodded, looking me up and down, while the latter stood and bowed, to my intense discomfort. "It is a pleasure to meet you, Kuga-san. Thank you for taking care of my daughter."

"No, not at all," I said hastily, bowing as well. "I'm the one who has been looked after."

Viola smiled. "I find that hard to believe." She had a pretty face, one that had aged well. "In any case, I won't trouble you both for very long. It is a pleasure to see you both."

"The pleasure is mine, Ka-sama," Shizuru said. "I am sorry I have troubled you for so long."

"Well, enough formality. Please sit." Viola did so herself, and we both followed. I sat awkwardly, trying to keep in seiza like the other three. I'd never been very good at it. "Now, what does my daughter look like now? She has become a woman, hasn't she?"

I frowned, wondering just whom that was directed at, but it was Saaya who spoke. "She has a very beautiful face, well-attended hair, and stands quite tall. She is slender, and dresses well, with a simple but attractive white-buttoned shirt and a black knee-length skirt. She has dainty feet and is wearing sandals. Her body has matured and her figure is not unlike your own in your younger days." She smiled. "It's a little nostalgic, actually. But she does appear a little tired, if I am any judge. I hope she's been sleeping enough."

Viola nodded, smiling. "I see. I suspected, Shizuru, you really have grown up. I can't simply take you for a child any more."

"I don't think you ever did, something I've always appreciated," Shizuru stated politely.

"And Natsuki-chan is looking a little puzzled," Saaya noted, grinning.

"No, not at all," I said awkwardly. "I was just-"

Viola giggled. "You mean you didn't explain properly, Shizuru? That's rather mischievous."

"I forewarned her to a degree," Shizuru said, smiling.

"Well, I had assumed you'd been more thorough. Please forgive me for not explaining properly, Kuga-san." Viola turned her head, smiling at me. "I have poor eyesight, so Saaya is my sight. Without her… you have striking blue hair, but I struggle to see your eyes."

"They are a quite startling emerald colour, and very beautiful," Saaya said instantly. "She also has an unblemished, attractive face. She is a little shorter than Shizuru, and moderately thicker-set. She dresses casually in blue jeans and a light-blue jumper. She is wearing white trainers, and her figure is comparable to Shizuru's. She has been getting enough sleep, but she still looks a little shocked." Saaya smiled at me. "Please forgive me. I can whisper to Viola if you would prefer that, but I am often told that doing something like that is even more discomforting than when I talk out loud."

"No, not at all," I said hurriedly. "I understand, so please don't mind me."

"Thank you for your consideration, Kuga-san. It is very much appreciated, I can assure you." Viola nodded politely. "And while we are speaking of this, welcome to my household. Any friend of my daughter's will be warmly received here. She's normally very furtive about these things, so it's a relief."

"I am very glad for your hospitality," I replied easily. It was getting easier. It was almost role-play, just saying the polite things. Even I could deal with that. "Especially on such notice… that was my fault."

"Please don't think anything of it. We are always ready to welcome guests without trouble. In any case, I must restate that it is a pleasure to meet you. Even I have heard of you from Shizuru." Viola laughed delicately. "And if my quiet daughter is talking and writing memorably of someone she knows, they must be good friends with her."

"You shouldn't tease us, Ka-sama," Shizuru said amiably.

"I am glad of that, though. I have often worried about Shizuru, and whether she would be isolated at school."

I blinked. "Well, Shizuru's very popular with everyone. She took the student council elections by a landslide, and practically the whole school admires her."

"As I tell you every time you speak of this, Ka-sama," Shizuru said, smiling pleasantly. "I have never been lonely."

"Those who admire you are not the same as friends," Viola said. "But I will accept that if it's a graceless inquiry."

My legs hurt, and I shifted awkwardly. Damn bloody strange sitting positions. I looked up and noticed Saaya looking at me. She smiled slightly but said nothing.

"I take it that you are well, Ka-sama?" Shizuru asked.

"Perfectly well. I know you are well, if tired. And you, Kuga-san? I take it you are in good health?"

"I'm good," I said, shrugging. "Nothing wrong."

"If a little discomforted," Saaya said subtly. "There's no need for you to force yourself, Natsuki-chan, if you want to stretch your legs."

"No, I'm fine like this," I lied. Being the only person sitting normally with these three would be… awkward, in the extreme. As it was, it was annoying that she'd said anything.

"The journey must have been very tiring for you," Viola said, looking at me. "I'm glad it went well, at least. But I'm sure you want to rest, so I won't keep you for very long."

"I'm fine, really," I said, flushing. "I don't tire too easily."

"I see. Just so long as Shizuru didn't rush you here before you got settled in… that would be very discourteous of her."

"I'm afraid I did," Shizuru said. "With hindsight, that was rather impolite of me."

"I don't mind. Like I said, I'm not tired, so it's no big deal. And I am your guest."

"Please don't feel that obliges you, as I am the person who must be considerate, and treat you well. You must forgive me for doing this, as well, but I haven't seen my daughter in a long time. I'm afraid I'm troubling you both for that selfish reason."

I blinked, trying to work that out. "I'm really not bothered, so-"

"Well, I am a little troubled," Shizuru said quietly. "I'm afraid that it's a little uncomfortable, maintaining seiza in this skirt. If I could have a few minutes, may I change into something more suitable?"

Viola nodded. "Of course. Please don't feel hurried."

"And I will take the chance to show Natsuki around, as well," Shizuru said, standing and glancing at me. I scrambled up. "We will return shortly," she remarked, nodding. "Until then."

I followed her out, frowning. "What was that about?" I asked, as soon as we were out of earshot.

"She hasn't changed at all either, that's all," Shizuru said vaguely, striding on ahead without looking at me. "Don't trouble yourself too much about it."

"Well, yeah, but did I upset her or something?" I groaned, rubbing my forehead. "Honestly, I can't work you people out at all."

"No. If anyone offended her, it would be me. For my part, I just need to collect myself." Shizuru glanced at me, blood eyes and a sad smile. "It has been a long time, and I'm not as prepared as I thought I'd be. It is difficult to face her, after all, when she thinks the same way about me as she always has done but my own self-perception is so different."

"Aren't you just overcomplicating things again?" I asked tactfully. "She's glad to see you, at least. Why not just be happy about it?"

"I know that would be best, but sometimes things really are complicated," Shizuru said lightly. She stopped. "This is your room," she remarked, opening the door.

I looked in, wincing. "Big."

"And I am right next door. Apparently things have been arranged with that much consideration," Shizuru remarked, walking into her own room. "Now this is a very memorable place. It's been a while, and they haven't changed it."

I peeked over her shoulder, noting piles of books neatly stacked in the corners of the room, along with some odd things. Shells on one of her drawers. A writing table scattered with paper. It was all very clean.

Shizuru looked around for a moment, closing her eyes. "I was twelve when I last stayed here for any length of time."

"That long ago…" I said quietly.

"That's correct." She opened the wardrobe, looking through it. "If you could give me a minute," she asked, turning and smiling at me. She began to unbutton her shirt.

I flushed and fled round the other side of the door, leaning against the wall and staring in a fixed way at the picture opposite me. It had lilies on it. "You should give me more warning," I complained. "You're always so damn abrupt about these things."

"It's because I'm used to changing in front of other women," Shizuru said lightly.

"Oh, really?" I tried to prevent my mind from getting ahead of itself and picturing imprudent images. "How about me? Should I wear a kimono as well?"

"There's no need. You should wear whatever feels most comfortable for you, or you won't be at ease." More rustling, which dwelt upon the mind in an indeterminate way. "Certainly my parents don't expect everyone to dress as they do. It really is of little significance."

"I'll think about it," I said absently. "Well, not like I have any, so I'd only be borrowing one of yours, anyway."

Shizuru giggled. "Aren't we lucky that your figure is comparable to mine?"

"You know, that woman is definitely weird," I said, folding my arms. "I can understand why she helps out, if your mother's sight really is that bad, but does she really have to talk about… that?"

"It's only something that a normal person would take in at a glance, after all."

"Normal for you, perhaps. But it's definitely weird."

"Well, don't let it bother you. My suspicion is that Saaya does it partly to disconcert people, after all. I know I would ask for her to do that, if I were in okasama's place." Shizuru chuckled. "It's a little amusing, isn't it?"

"Maybe for you. Your sense of humour is still completely warped, isn't it?" I sighed, closing my eyes. "Well, I'm used to it from you, after all. I won't be bothered too much by anything so simple."

"That's a good attitude to take. If you maintain those patterns of thought, I'm sure you will do fine around here. But I'm a little sad that you're keeping your flustered face from me like that."

"Don't feel too deprived, already," I said impatiently. "Isn't it just unhealthy to draw pleasure from drawing out another person's dignity?" But I couldn't help but smile a little, where Shizuru couldn't see.

"Now, don't put it like that. Don't you often say I could do with losing a few layers of arrogance?"

"Well, yeah. But I don't enjoy doing that."

"Yes, you do."

I shrugged. "Actually, you're right, I do. But there's no need to be smug about it."

"You're so critical. I'm sure my feelings are very hurt."

"You'll live. And as you said I said- it's good for you." I leaned back, fiddling idly with my hair. "But you're really in a good mood today, aren't you?"

"Do you think so?" Shizuru asked, managing to sound puzzled. "I wouldn't say that in so many words."

"It's been a very long time since you last teased me like that. And you're acting a lot more like your normal self." I rubbed my cheek awkwardly, glad she couldn't see me. "It's not bad, actually. Though you still tease me far too much."

"Ara. But how could I resist your earnest reactions?" Shizuru asked innocently. "In any case, I'm done. So I'm coming out."

"Sure." I pushed myself off the wall, glancing sideways expectantly. "That was fast."

The door slid open and her gaze met mine, ephemeral and embracing. She was wearing a beautiful red kimono, matching her eyes, long sleeves dropping downwards. "Naturally. I am rather good at this-" Shizuru stopped short, glancing at me curiously. "Natsuki?"

Twisted red eyes looked at me, close and far. Pain, fear, and a hint of a smile.

"No," I said abruptly, schooling my expression. "You're looking pretty good, after all. I suppose I should expect that of you."

I hope I imagined the momentary sadness on her face before she smiled and nodded. "I'm glad."

"In any case, shall we go?" I asked, taking a step back.

Red lips.

"Well, you've just arrived, and talking with okasama is a very intense experience. Why don't you unpack first and follow after me?" Shizuru asked.

"Sure, sounds good," I mumbled. Whatever her motives, there was a lot to be said for a chance to think.

"After that, you can go where you please." Shizuru smiled sincerely, eyes frowning. "I wouldn't want to hold you back."

* * *

"That's a very pretty kimono, Shizuru-chan," Saaya said, smiling at me. "It suits you very well."

I nodded politely, sitting again.

"Red is my daughter's colour, after all," Ka-sama said, smiling faintly. "It would naturally bring out your best features."

"Purple also works quite well," I said politely. "But blood-red certainly is an appropriate colour for me, I'd agree with that. Did you order this one?"

"Consider it an early birthday present," Ka-sama said. "I heard your purple one was ruined, after all. This one should have considerable wear in it for some time to come."

"Then I am indeed grateful. Natsuki said I looked good in it," I said steadily.

"Natsuki-chan has good taste, then, even if I say so myself." Ka-sama watched me, pale eyes serene.

"You're probably doing yourself too much credit, Viola," Saaya said lightly. "If it's Shizuru-chan, she would look good in almost anything."

"Hmm, perhaps. But this is still to her advantage, I'm sure."

Such nonsense was already boring me. "Earlier with Natsuki, Ka-sama," I said flatly. "I do not think you were very polite."

"Do you think so?" Ka-sama asked innocently. "I didn't intend to give that impression… I was trying to be considerate."

"Is that so?" I asked, smiling pleasantly. "My mistake. But you should be a little careful, Ka-sama, as your consideration could be misconstrued by an overactive imagination. It rather sounded like you were trying to dismiss her."

"Shizuru-chan has developed a good poker face," Saaya noted, hugging her knees and watching me with amusement. "I'm very proud."

"Then I'm very sorry that I came across in such an unsightly way," Ka-sama returned amicably. "Especially considering you appear to have taken that perceived message to heart, and left her behind. I hope you yourself haven't been inconsiderate on my behalf."

"No. I was tactful. But if it bothers you, I can call for her again."

"That may in itself trouble her. As you said yourself, she is not ours to simply summon or dismiss at our pleasure. It would be hypocritical to do that."

I nodded subtly, a movement Ka-sama managed to catch without assistance. Saaya simply watched her and said nothing. "You're right, of course. It is better if we leave things be, for now." I put my hands on my knees, leaning forwards slightly. "Besides, I think we can both agree that there are a few useful things to be said while she is not here. You have a lot to say in particular, no? Ka-sama."

"Not really, and not in a systematic way. Just a few points of curiosity. I'm more interested in those useful things you have to say to me."

"Well, I'm much the same. But considering I have foisted Natsuki on you, I thought it only fair that I tell you a little more about her." I regarded Ka-sama calmly, feeling Saaya's eyes on me. "Natsuki is a very important friend of mine, who I value considerably. We have known each other for several years, and in all that time, I have not forgiven anyone who hurt or upset her, whoever they are. That's simply something that shows the extent to which I care for her feelings." I closed my eyes. "So I hope you will forgive me for bringing her at short such notice."

"Not at all. Though I am a little surprised that you didn't give us prior warning, as you two are such close friends," Ka-sama said reasonably. "If you had been able to do that, we would be a little better prepared to welcome her as she deserves."

"Just this is fine, as she is not particularly fussy," I said, evading the implied question.

Ka-sama nodded. "She certainly appears to be a very earnest girl."

"That's a fair assessment. I was very refreshed to meet her."

Saaya chuckled. "Natsuki-chan looked to you a lot, as well, Shizuru-chan. So I presume that was a mutual feeling. Or is she simply a little uncertain?"

"Natsuki is a confident person. Please don't concern yourself on that count." Once again, I was able to avoid the more difficult part of the statement. I'd learned a lot since my childhood.

"In any case, I'm glad that our purpose in sending you away bore fruit," Ka-sama said, leaning forwards slightly. "Good friends are not easy to come by."

Saaya took a stray strand of Ka-sama's hair, silently brushing it back into place with her fingers.

"Natsuki also experienced that. A reason why are good friends for each other." I kept my face even. This whole conversation reminded me of others, and in all of those that was necessary. Ka-sama, despite everything, was no different.

"In any case, if I were to make any inquiries without Natsuki-chan being present, they would be points of curiosity and concern. Simply those things that I take pleasure or assurance in asking you." Ka-sama's face was inscrutable, save for a gentle smile. "I take it your finished your work as student council president successfully."

"Naturally. That was a fairly straight-forwards matter, especially as I had very good assistance. Even at the end, delegation accounted for much of my work before we transferred power."

"Yes, it was somewhat lucky to have the Suzushiro daughter on your team. She is a very studious girl. Or so Noko-san continues to assure me." Ka-sama chuckled. "And your successor?"

"Harada-san is a popular and talented student. I have every faith in her future success. I was very glad to provide her with advice on running for election, and her role thereafter."

"I see. Your success in negotiation and financial matters I will take as read, indeed I have read of them." Ka-sama nodded at me. "But you certainly underwent a difficult term, did you not? Suffice to say military interventions and communication blackouts caused me considerable alarm. I was moderately surprised that you did not return here, even when a general closure was ordered."

"To ask that of me is insincere," I said. "I was in a leadership role at the school, and could not abandon it. As Otou-sama would say, a captain must lead through sun and storm."

"Well, I should expect that nobility of my daughter, but you underwent some rather frightening circumstances. Speaking from a purely emotional perspective, I would have been glad to shield you from that." Ka-sama cocked her head slightly. "It is not every day a student council president is asked to face an occupying paramilitary group. From Searrs, no less."

My heart skipped a beat, and then I remembered myself. "As I would expect from you, Ka-sama. Your knowledge of those events appears to match my own, even in the specifics."

"I am well-used to dealing with such formidable and ambiguous business rivals. It is rather difficult to trade seriously without noticing their significant influence over the American economy." Ka-sama glanced at me. "The exact meaning of that raid eludes me, though. It is not their style, even though they concealed their direct involvement with their usual adroit secrecy."

"I'm not sure myself. I suspected at the time that they hoped to seize the children of rival elites for economic reasons, amidst the confusions of that time. But that would be a brute-force method." I shrugged. "I suppose I would be a target in that respect, but matters were resolved before it came to that."

"And we are extremely fortunate for that. It is just frustrating that our only possible retaliation is through economic boycott, and a few individuals regardless of connections make no difference at all." Ka-sama shrugged. "Well, Searrs is a topic of conversation for another day. I am glad you know the name, at least."

"They did occupy my school. So, likewise."

"Of course. But that brings me to my main point, actually. The first situation being accounted for, but what circumstances kept you from safety after the student evacuation?" Ka-sama leaned forwards, touching my hand. "Circumstances were far more difficult and I was truly worried. If something happened, I you trust me enough to tell me."

"I wouldn't like to deal in the specifics," I said, looking away. "It was a extremely difficult time for me, and I don't like to talk about it. But it involved further encounters with paramilitaries, though I was not harmed myself."

"Paramilitaries? Searrs, again?" Ka-sama's face hardened slightly. "What did they do to you, Shizuru?"

The door slid open. "Excuse me… am I interrupting anything?" Natsuki asked nervously, looking in.

"No, not at all," I said swiftly.

Ka-sama glanced at me for a long moment, then left go of my hand and straightened her posture. "I'm glad you have grown considerably, Shizuru."

In several senses, time is a wonderful thing.


	18. Chapter 18

**Windows of the Soul: Part Eighteen**

Mai Hime is very much an anime insofar as the only parents shown were either in a coma or dead under suspicious circumstances. Yes, all two of them. Or three, depending how you count series-end Yukariko, I guess.

On that note, I only have a couple of redshirt Hime left before I've mentionned all of them at some point. Cheer for me...

* * *

"But I'm still getting used to this place. You're pretty crazy, as ever." Natsuki kicked her legs childishly against the bed, lifting her head and giving me an accusing look. "Okasama, indeed. Just how distant and formal do you get?"

"We're an old-fashioned family," I replied, as if that was an answer.

"A crazy family, is what you are," Natsuki said, glaring at me. "Don't try and hide it."

"As ever, I can keep nothing from Natsuki's perceptive sight," I said dryly, leaning back on my chair. "But you should carry on reading your physics book, all the same. Don't be lazy."

"Damn. You weren't supposed to notice that," Natsuki groused. She rolled over, staring at the ceiling. "But it's a pain in the ass, you know. Why do we need to know this stuff anyway? Apples fall down, bikes turn on corners, and bullets put big holes in people. I know how things work, so what use is just the theory?"

"Understanding is both worthwhile for its own sake and useful in many ways," I said reasonably. "If I recall correctly, some of that is in chapter eight, but you haven't got that far yet."

"Tch. Whatever. It's still not how I'd like to spend my summer, in any case. In this weather, there's no way I can concentrate on anything."

"Ara, Ara. The heat sure makes you petulant. It's quite a cute sight." I said that almost automatically, a memory. This was certainly a recollection of our happier days, and so full of strange feelings now.

"Idiot," Natsuki muttered softly. She tilted her head, staring at me with emerald eyes. "Is it really okay for you to be here, though? You've just got back, right, after all these years, or something like that?"

"Ara. I hope you didn't think that you'd get out of me teaching you here," I said gently. "I won't let anything like that get in my way. Natsuki still has to work very hard."

"That's not what I'm talking about, idiot," Natsuki said impatiently. "But what about Viola? You should be considerate of your poor old mother."

"If it's okasama, I certainly wouldn't describe her in those terms." I smiled. "But believe me, it's fine. She is a very busy woman, and even now she has plenty of things to do. You should understand, a mother who is willing to see her child so little in the first place is not too moved by these things, even if I have worried her. I am well enough, so she'll accept it."

"Acceptance and being happy about it are two different things," Natsuki remarked, relaxing again. "But I guess I'm not complaining. One Fujino is intense enough, you know."

"Then you'll certainly have a very interesting time here, I'm sure," I said. "Perhaps that'll teach you the peace and happiness of equations."

"One-track mind," Natsuki complained.

"I may be more focused than you, but not even I can learn for you. So I'm still just doing my duty to you, after all."

"Yeah, yeah. But it's my first day here. Can't we take it easy, already?" Natsuki stretched idly, yawning. "I'm tired. Packing on such short notice wasn't easy, you know."

"I can imagine," I said quietly, glancing at her. It's hard to be pure, when she's so relaxed and so close by.

"Hey, can you show me the portrait gallery?" Natsuki asked abruptly.

"Portrait gallery?" I asked, brow wrinkling.

"Yeah, portrait gallery," Natsuki said casually. "You have one, right? A big room with the portraits of a hundred Fujino. There has to be something like that here."

"I don't think so. Not unless it's been introduced while I was away." I smiled. "We aren't vampires or anything, you know. Cameras are wonderful things, and we use them a lot now. Okasama prefers video and tape, of course. She has a lot of the words of my younger self recorded, along with poetry recitals and various other things I did."

"Sounds cute," Natsuki muttered. "Can I see all that?"

"Not if you don't want to die," I returned amicably.

"No problem, I'll just ask her." Natsuki closed her eyes, yawning. "In the in-laws scenario, the parents always show the guest all the embarrassing baby photos. It's like a law of nature or something."

"You know, that only counts if you're my girlfriend," I said lightly. "Friends aren't so lucky."

Natsuki was silent for a moment. "I guess so."

I looked down, rubbing my forehead lightly. My head ached, and my body ached, and my throat hurt; though I was trying my best to keep my tone normal. I would be tired enough like that, and dealing with Ka-sama had just drained me more. I envied Natsuki, lying down so languorously. But I had my pride and distance, so I'd force myself.

"This is no good," Natsuki complained. She pushed herself up, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "I can't concentrate at all. Can't we go and play tennis or something? I need to stretch my legs."

"Not a bad idea, but I'm not sure that we have anything like that," I said tiredly. "I'll have them buy a set."

"Seriously?" Natsuki asked. "But you're great at tennis. I thought you'd done it a lot with your family."

"Well, in terms of reflexes and movement I'm well trained by my martial sports," I said, glancing at her. "That just leaves technique. And as you know, we have something of an advantage over normal people at these things."

"Don't say that you beat Haruka, but that she came so close to you," Natsuki said. "I guess that makes sense. But you're generally unfairly good at everything anyway. I shouldn't be too surprised."

"Natsuki as well, of course," I said. "But even for us, we have to study if we're going to learn anything."

"Yeah, yeah." Natsuki put her hands on her lap and looked at me expectantly. "When exactly did you gain your Child? I had Duran for a long time, after all."

"At the start of the year. Why?"

"I was just curious as to exactly when your world as you knew of it was violated like that," Natsuki said idly. "I'm used to it."

"Well, I suppose it was a significant moment for me. A little disappointing, as well." I glanced at her, smiling wryly. "After a while, as I slowly began to understand what it meant to be a Hime, and from that point I began to wonder… it's still possible to take pleasure in a birthright, but not if it's destined. Was I a Hime because I was talented? Or was I talented because I was a Hime? That latter would be a little disappointing for me, I think."

"As ever, you over-analyse things," Natsuki said shortly. "They probably don't have anything to do with each other. It's not like we all have much in common, right?"

"Perhaps," I admitted. "But it's a thought that dwells on my mind. I don't want my whole life to come down to being a Hime."

"You don't need to talk about all this crap as if it's predetermined," Natsuki said shortly. "It's about your frame of mind, nothing else. If that's what you want, and that's how you think, that's how it will be. At times it seems like you do think that way."

"Really?" I asked, keeping my face serene. My hand moved upwards slightly then stopped, resisting the temptation to touch my forehead again. It wouldn't do for her to notice.

"But you're a princess under your own right. Your upbringing, manners, attitudes and that aloof attitude are all yours." Natsuki closed her eyes. "And I'm a lot more than just Duran's master, as well. But I'm surprised. You don't normally talk about stuff like this."

"Is it a bother?" I asked quietly. "It isn't a subject for easy, comfortable contemplation, after all…"

"No. I don't mind. It is important, after all, and even I've thought the same way from time to time. When chosen ones really exist, it's a grim business for anyone trying to believe in free will."

"A little, perhaps," I said.

"Well, Mai blew all that up. No reason to dwell on it."

"It's the same, though. From the start of my time at Fuka, I certainly saw differences between people. Talent, intelligence and beauty, all those things are real. And probably more important than special powers in the long run. Arbitrary inheritance is a commonplace, and one that determines fate in a quite significant way. One that made me quite arrogant, as a younger girl." I smiled. "Well, I'm sure you won't enjoy me dwelling on that."

"Are you going to keep saying things until I disagree with one of them?" Natsuki asked. She smirked. "Naturally, people are different. That's just how it is. It's not like it's a big deal or anything."

"Even if you say that it isn't a big deal, it rather is. If I take okasama as an example, her bad luck has a significant impact on her life. And her good luck has allowed her to stand where she does today, regardless." I shrugged. "Even if you struggle, people have limits, most lower and some higher than my own. I don't draw particular pride from that, but it remains."

"Idiot. I don't deny that, but people just do what they can do and are glad of that. We're not so unbalanced and jealous a species that we can't play the hand we're given, or dance with the person we bring." Natsuki raised her hands theatrically, glancing at me. "You shouldn't be so arrogant as to say that everyone should be as talented as you."

"Perhaps," I hummed, unconvinced.

"But it's something we have in common, isn't it?" Natsuki asked, sitting up. "What I do understand is the sense that the Carnival changed everything…"

I shifted my face, looking away. "That's certainly true."

"What I mean, is… how would you say it… I know myself better. A little, anyway. When you're at your limit, that's something you'd naturally experience."

"I certainly learned a lot about myself," I agreed. "I can't say any of it was good, though."

"Yeah, well." Natsuki shifted her head, looking away. "Do you think I showed much of worth, either? I started the fight in the first place, getting tricked so easily and fighting Nao. At the time, I thought it was justice. A punishment for what she was supposed to have done. Mai and Midori's cute idealism wouldn't work unless someone could show those who betrayed us would be destroyed. That's what I thought at the time."

"It's natural, isn't it?" I asked. "You can't let people do as they please. You kept that resolve throughout, and I am very thankful for it."

"Well, yeah. When I took you down, I don't regret that," Natsuki said bluntly. "Though I shouldn't have let things turn out the way they did… and with Nao, it was completely different, after all. My thoughts were just my thoughts, but if I look at reality, I just lashed out. Maybe because I resented her, someone so like me. Maybe because I was afraid. We were all afraid, right?"

"We were all afraid," I admitted, scrutinising the wall with absolute concentration. Poisoned memories raced through my mind, but I could survive that, if I forced myself. If Natsuki has to say these things, then I will listen.

"It's not like that was the first time I'd fought, intending to kill people," Natsuki mused quietly." With Searrs, I went all out, but I hadn't felt that way. If I think about it, though, that was because I was just knocking them over with my power. Like a video game or something, just murder-" She stopped abruptly and took a breath. "In any case, it was an incredible experience. Not like wonderful, but unbelievable, and one that changed us all."

"If we were soldiers, it would be similar. Our battle was just especially personal." I closed my eyes, smirking bitterly. "You know, my kenjutsu sensei said you discover your true nature on the battlefield. He's right, though I never knew I'd ever find that out first-hand."

Natsuki sighed. "Is it fun?"

I frowned, looking at her. "Fun?"

"To hate yourself."

"No. It's not fun," I said abruptly, looking away.

"I see."

"But sometimes it is necessary. You know, if anyone else had done those things to you, I would probably have killed them," I admitted quietly. "Perhaps even now, as you should know… you've seen my darker side… if I am to remain myself at all, this is necessary. Even if it hurts you. I can't simply accept those aspects of my past and remain a person."

"Well, you're consistent," Natsuki said shortly. She rested her chin on her hands, regarding me thoughtfully. "But consistency is overrated, after all."

"This is probably the only truth I have. I'll cling to that." I glanced at her, narrowing my eyes. "And you? If we're keeping that promise, you should tell me as well. You hate me, don't you?"

"I hate you."

I closed my mouth and said nothing. Even if I'd known it all along, those words were like dying. Is it twice, or ten thousand times, that this girl has killed me?

"But I also love you," Natsuki remarked, glaring at me. "And I admire you, and fear you, and envy you, and need you… I want you to protect me and I want to be protected from you… I want to protect you myself, as well. If I think of you, it's not in simple terms I can reduce to a neat phrase. You shouldn't pretend that could be. You, of all people, should understand that emotions aren't that simple and clean."

I chuckled slightly. "You're right, of course. But the more you're troubled, the more you'll look to other people for answers, and permission. I'm just burdening you with that kind of projection."

"In any case, don't look to me for permission. You're not allowed to hate yourself." Natsuki folded her arms. "I know well that people who truly believe in you aren't easy to find. You were the first person, for me. So for every person, they have to at least themselves live. No matter what."

"I'm a little more judgmental than you, then, I suppose." I shrugged. "Things that I can't forgive… as you say, I am consistent, if nothing else."

"What would it take?" Natsuki asked quietly. "For you to forgive yourself?"

I closed my eyes, considering that question. I'd barely even dared to think about it, for various reasons. "I don't know. Probably nothing very reasonable, after all…"

"I was afraid that might be the case. As ever, you're stubborn, uptight and unreasonable." Natsuki rolled off the futon, standing and looking down at me. "So I'll tell you it plainly. You aren't allowed to remain like that, a person who can't receive love. I won't let that carry on."

"You've always had an endearingly rigid resolve," I said dryly. My headache was getting worse.

"For me, too," Natsuki said bluntly. She turned away. "Even if I can say things like that, I'm not resolved myself… don't expect too much from me."

I smiled slightly, without quite knowing why. "I haven't shown you the garden, have I? As it's more than just gravel and a pond, as you put it, why don't we do that for a break?"

"Okay."

The moment I stood up, my sore legs lodged a formal protest. But that wasn't very important, really. I suppose if I can talk about these things now and still smile, I've come some way. I just don't know where I'm going.

* * *

Who is Shizuru Fujino?

I touched the flower thoughtfully, lost in my memories.

That always seemed a pretty easy question to me. Princess Shizuru, rich, privileged, kind and a little naïve, someone who didn't quite appreciate their own luck or the real world. But for all that, still a smart and sophisticated and charming person. Someone who had taken a liking to me. If she'd been someone who could be summed up in a title and a name, that would probably never have been so. But I didn't really think about it, at the time.

Shizuru-Hime had destroyed that convenient point of view. That Shizuru could lie, and had lied to me all along. That Shizuru had a calm face and a fierce strength. She fought with absolute intent and without weakness. From the moment she saved my life on that cliff, the Shizuru I'd seen and wished for had been destroyed. She was my equal, and that in a sense brought her down from heaven to earth. I did not wish to acknowledge her as another calm, deadly person who could make a commonplace of fighting. I did not want her to be like me.

And what came after.

At that point, everything changed, and the Shizuru I knew became terrifying and pitiful and unreachably strong and more things than I have words or sense to describe. Day after day, I receive the revelation of how little I really know her, and day after day I struggle against that. It's exponential. Is it really her, with her ambiguous past and strange family and complex emotions and her guilt so cold and hard inside her? Or could this be true of every person I know, most of whom I dismiss in so few words as simple and predictable, without any sophistication at all? If my perception of her has spiralled out of my control so much, is she really the one who has changed or always been this way? Or am I the one who's changed, in how I see her or how I see?

Even thinking about how I think about her gives me more questions than I gain answers. Isn't that just too stupid to contemplate?

"Ara. So this is where you wandered off to, after all."

"I didn't mean to," I said vaguely. "Besides, you looked like you were thinking a lot. What with your silence and all."

"I thought the same of you. But I'm bored, so I'm going to interrupt now." She was smiling at me. I could tell that from the warmth in her voice and on my neck. "Do you remember?" she asked gently. "That day?"

"That was what I was remembering," I said quietly.

"It was a coincidence, that I met you there." Shizuru chuckled. "Though I think what I said was pretty cool for something off the cuff, even if I say so myself."

And she's in a good mood again. Didn't I say she was consistent earlier? I was lying. "Don't you mean strange?" I asked, smiling a little without facing her. "I certainly thought you were strange, at that moment."

"So cruel. Well, that's better than being boring, right?"

"Yeah. Well, I was glad that you didn't shout at me. I almost expected that. I'd become used to being a strange, unliked girl…"

"And I was bored and aloof, after all." Shizuru paused a beat. "But it's almost dinnertime, apparently. We'll be expected to be prompt, I'm afraid."

"I got it." I turned and faced her, just a little surprised to see her, looking so close to the way she did before. Sometimes I wish we could go back to that day. Bad end. Reload from save. If only real life was that convenient, after all. "Should I change or something?"

"You're fine as you. It's just my opinion, but you're better off dressing as yourself, after all."

"I guess not. I've never been very good at pretending to be something I'm not, after all." And that was lucky. I'm just about getting used to seeing Shizuru in a kimono again. I think it will be a while before I can wear one comfortably around her, as well. Association is a strange thing. I walked towards her, trying to clear my mind of those thoughts. If I say so much about what she should do, I have to be the one who has her back. There's no one else to do that for us. So even if it's hard and frightening and tiring, it has to be me. I'll do it.

"Sincerity is a good thing. But don't worry, my parents really aren't as bad as all that. Accepting that our standards are weird… we don't judge other people by our standards. That would be a little silly," Shizuru remarked, leading me back towards the house.

"If you say so. But they're human, too. That means they're narrow-minded, judgement and presumptuous, whatever their surname is." I stuck my hands in my pockets, trying not to feel so apprehensive. "How about cutlery? Do we go through it in a particular order?"

"Outside inwards. But we normally eat Japanese food, anyway."

"Is that so? I guess that makes sense…"

"Naturally." Shizuru smirked. "But I'm glad you're so eager to please them."

I huffed. "I have my pride, which doesn't intend to apologise to anyone. Least of all a bunch of crazy samurai people like you and your family."

"Well, that alone is something I respect enough."

I grunted, looking around the garden one last time. It was big and beautiful and fragrant, sufficiently well executed to convince me that someone in the family actually appreciated it more than a because-we-can status symbol. Or that they could pay for someone like that, at least. Of course, I mostly saw places where people could hide and watch and possibly shoot things. But I don't have a very ordinary view on things.

We stepped inside. "And otousama will probably be with us this time, as well," Shizuru said quietly. "Bear that in mind, though it shouldn't disturb you unduly."

I sighed. "What? Is he crazy, too?"

"Otousama is exacting," Shizuru said ambiguously. "Is dinner ready?" she asked.

The footman nodded. "It will be here shortly. Viola-sama is already waiting inside."

"Thank you. Well, then…" Shizuru stepped past him, sliding open the door and stepping into one of the larger rooms I'd seen so far. It was, naturally, dominated by a dining table. "Good evening, Ka-sama, Saaya."

"Good evening, Shizuru," Viola said, smiling pleasantly.

Saaya just waved. She was sitting next to her mistress, as well. I really can't figure that woman out. Just what is her place anyway? Servant? Sister?

"I hope you had a constructive afternoon," Shizuru remarked, sitting down opposite her mother. I pulled out a chair and sat next to her, feeling slightly awkward at such a large table.

"It hasn't been bad. And you? I hope you have enjoyed yourselves."

"Naturally. I showed Natsuki around the garden most recently."

"Is that so? I'm quite proud of the garden." Viola looked at us idly; hands folded neatly in her lap. "I've encouraged flowers with a powerful smell, something that can bring life even to blurred colours."

"As I should expect of Ka-sama, an elegant decision," Shizuru said, smiling politely. "And I could certainly appreciate that myself, too."

"My, don't go so far. I'm just being stubborn, as ever."

The door opened and a man stepped through. "Ah, Shizuru…" he said regally, turning to regard us. "It has been a while."

Shizuru stood and bowed. "It is a pleasure to see you again, Tou-sama. I hope you are in good health."

"Ah. I am, thank you." He was wearing a kimono, naturally, but other than it the most surprising thing was how plain he was. A lined face and short black hair. I think Shizuru and Viola have spoiled me, but Shizuru definitely takes more after her mother's side all the same. But in his stride and in his gaze there was all of their pride and posture, without their apologising smiles.

Or something like that.

"Tou-sama, this is my good friend, Natsuki Kuga," Shizuru said formally. "Natsuki, this is otousama, Shinri Fujino, head of our family now."

"Pleased to meet you," I said formally, bowing my head.

"I see," Shinri said, regarding me briefly. He walked past us in an undisturbed way, taking his seat at the head of the table. "I have heard of you, somewhat. Welcome to the Fujino household."

"Please take good care of me." I kept face stiff through another bow.

"Ah." Shinri brought his hands together, concealing them in his two sleeves. "But I was very surprised, Shizuru. Acting so unilaterally is very troubling for us. If it had another's household, I certainly would not forgive it."

"I am most deeply sorry, Tou-sama," Shizuru said, bowing her head. "I do appreciate the trouble you've taken over this, and apologise sincerely for any inconvenience."

"Hmm. You should be more conscious of circumstances. The household is not comparable to your temporary homes elsewhere."

Viola frowned. "That may well be so, but I am also glad of the chance to meet Kuga-san. It's an assurance to me."

"Be that as it may, but there is a proper time," Shinri said shortly. "That's all."

As if he considered the matter settled. "It's not her fault," I said distinctly. "I was the one who decided at such short notice, so you shouldn't blame Shizuru."

Shinri abruptly looked at me, dark eyes intense. "I see. Well, loyalty is a fine thing."

I fought to keep my face clear and untroubled. So this was Shizuru's 'exact' father.

"In any case, this is a refreshing circumstance. It's been a long time since we last ate together as a family," Viola said, smiling. "And she has become a woman while I wasn't looking, as well. It's a bittersweet moment."

"I'm very sorrowful that my growth has caused you trouble," Shizuru replied diffidently. "I will strive to not grow in future."

Viola giggled. "Your kind thoughts are appreciated."

"In any case, your bearing befits our daughter," Shinri said shortly. "We will have various things to discuss presently."

"A presently that can surely be deferred?" Viola asked. "This dinner would be more pleasant if it was undisturbed by such things."

"I would prefer to discuss these things at the earliest opportunity, but I won't force the issue." Shinri glanced thoughtfully at me. "This circumstance may not be most fitting, after all."

"On the contrary," Shizuru said sweetly. "I would entrust any weighty discussion to this circumstance and company without any reservations."

Servants began to bring in food. I barely noticed, concentrating instead on the quiet drama playing out in front of me. Shinri was duly crazy, after all. He was a Fujino, so I'd expected no less.

"Well, I'll leave it at that." Shinri glanced at her. "I have heard of your time as Kaichou. The Suzushiro family excepted, general praise has been without reservation. That is undoubtedly overstated, but it sounds like you have been successful in that simple role."

"I have endeavoured to fulfil my responsibilities to the best of my ability," Shizuru said, looking down. "I can promise no more and no less than that."

"False modesty isn't necessary. A task well-done is just so." Shinri closed his eyes. "Your oversight of a portion of the school's financial affairs was reasonably well-done, as well. I have doubts about certain investments, but we can talk more of that later."

"I will await your advice."

"That's something we can discuss together," Viola said innocently. "For my part, I was rather impressed with Shizuru's performance. We should expect no less of our daughter."

"Naturally. Whether we should expect more is another question altogether. But I'll put that aside in turn." He glanced at Shizuru. "As I stated several times before, I'm disappointed that you largely put your martial training aside while attending school."

"With respect, that's not the case," Shizuru said steadily. "It is true that I have not pursued formal qualifications, but my duty as Kaichou took up much of my time. Nonetheless, I have maintained my skill."

"I would not mind seeing that, when I have the time," Shinri said shortly. "Your beauty is a virtue but I hope you haven't sacrificed your strength."

Exacting? More like obsessive-compulsive. "There's no danger of that," I said quietly. "I can speak with absolute personal confidence. Shizuru is very strong."

Shinri raised his eyebrows. "Oh? You have a knowledge of these things?"

"Natsuki is a very athletic type," Shizuru said quickly.

"Yes, I know these things," I said shortly. "I have a considerable knowledge of real fighting."

"I'm surprised to hear that from a girl of your age," he noted coolly.

"Surprising or not, that's how it is." I shrugged. "And Shizuru's right, as well. Certificates and sport has nothing to do with it."

"I see. I am comforted by your assurance." Shinri closed his eyes. "Unless I'm called away, tomorrow evening, Shizuru?"

"That will be fine, unless an unforeseen circumstance keeps me from it," Shizuru returned evenly. "I will be very glad to prove my growth to you, Tou-sama."

"Then I will anticipate that, myself," Shinri said. "After such impassionated advocacy…" he finished, eyes lingering on me.

I put a palm pointedly on the table. "She will win."

"And as ever, interesting and unusual things are arranged without me," Viola said, mock-complaint. "But beyond our theatre, I suggest we eat. Words alone provide little food."

"Certainly," Shinri remarked, picking up his chopsticks. "We can defer further discussion until later. That would be best."

I sighed quietly, picking up my own chopsticks. What a pain.

"Well, you've certainly put me in a very interesting situation," Shizuru murmured quietly. "Sparring with father."

"Sparring? Well, it's fine, isn't it?" I replied quietly. "You won't lose to some old guy…"

"As I say, though, you've put me in a very interesting situation," Shizuru repeated.

"Shizuru. Don't whisper at the table. It is rude."

"I'm very sorry, father."

I grimaced. "Don't worry, Shizuru," I said loudly. "I have every faith in you."

"That's worthwhile," she replied, smiling.

"Touching on another note," Viola began. "I'm sure we're all well-informed of the American election. Are there any strong opinions on the chosen candidate?"

"Presumably, the objective this time would be economic," Shizuru replied, glancing at her mother. "Specific policy is ambiguous but I've seen affairs on those lines."

"No, you shouldn't discount the foreign policy aspect as well," Shinri said briefly. "Even accounting for the economic situation, the failure of their more recent military adventures has put pressure on them for a change of direction."

"I can't imagine that direction could be dynamic, after the twelve day war," Shizuru said firmly. "Considering that, I still think economics is a more important factor…"

Yeah, I've no idea what the hell they're saying, but at least they aren't at each other's throats this time. And those two should get in their heads, as well. I'm not a polite guest. If it's with Shizuru, I certainly won't let them say what they please.

HHhhhhHHHH


	19. Chapter 19

**Windows of the Soul: Part Nineteen**

I'm up far too late writing about Shizuru being up far too late. That's probably ironic or something like that.

* * *

This weight I bear and these things I do, they're all for you.

That's how the line goes, I guess. I wouldn't say that out loud, all the same.

I leaned back in the warm water, sighing and closing my eyes. It had been a very tiring day, due to this and that. I suppose I should become accustomed to that, as soon as possible. This is Shizuru's house, which tangentially relates to sanity while keeping a modest distance from it and is caught out of time and mind. For someone like me, strange but at least a girl of my times, it's an extremely disconcerting sensation. I suppose it simply comes down to the fact that in any other circumstances that family would be strange, or perhaps that naughty word eccentric. Though if it is those three, I imagine they would be admired for their unusual nature rather more than they'd be resented. Shizuru constructed a life of that. But here and now, I am the strange one. That's just downright peculiar.

There are other things as well. The weather's hot and Shizuru hasn't stopped working me hard, until I'm ill with equations, and I've been up all day and moving after a night of little and uneasy sleep to the point where even I am filled with an oppressive tiredness. And those two, with infinite troubling subtleties and their probes and their cunning and their difficult attitudes, are certainly a little tiring. But that's for Shizuru, more than for me, that I feel that way. She has very strange parents, who certainly aren't people I'd envision as such, even if it's for her. I suppose I should leave my hopeful, childish ideas of wonderful and kind parents behind with my mother's lost body after all. Parents are people too. That's to say, hopelessly flawed.

But none of these things are exactly the problem. My problem is with reasons. My problems are always with reasons.

I groaned, running my hands through my hair and wishing I didn't have this time to think. But I did, so that was that. I am different from Shizuru in a lot of ways, but one the most important is that if I was to characterise it myself, she thinks way too much. And I suppose I'll admit that I don't think enough, not specifically anyway. I am good at deciding and taking action, but I'm a little shakier on why I make that decision. Well, my fight with Nao is a case in point. That instinctive reaction wouldn't have much helped the situation, even if I'd won decisively.

Or why I'm here. On one level, I know. Shizuru was trying to push me away, and I didn't want that, so I didn't let her do that. That aspect of things is very simple. But though I still enjoy her presence and her smile, I'm far away from my own environment now. I've certainly imposed on her, for the blame her parents put on her as well. And it is difficult to smile all the time, when she's like that and I feel as tired and faithless as this. It's a little ironic, too. She planned to leave because she didn't feel like I really needed her by my side. I followed after to prove that she was wrong, and now I have the same feeling myself. Is this really worthwhile? Or am I just paining and annoying her, while she smiles politely?

Those ugly doubts assail me, but I don't have any obligation to listen to them. Even when I think, I never let my thoughts just do as they please with my resolve.

I sank deeper into the water, thanking god that the Fujino had seen fit to appreciate the virtues of a decent warm bath. If my thoughts were doing little circular dances without progress rather than marching capably, at least the warmth easing my body had something to recommend itself. This is an enjoyable peace and quiet, as well. There's no need for complex things, if you can enjoy the body's simpler pleasures. Nothing dirty about it. Being warm and fed and well rested are wonderful virtues, and qualities you can only experience if you've lived like a soldier. Once you're driven to the edge of your endurance, you'll always remember that agonising struggle to keep moving. After that, you can truly appreciate the luxury of not having to move at all. That is my situation, and there's no need to resent it. A clean and good life compared to what I have gone through before. I am grateful for that.

Twisting words and complacent logic don't really solve anything, though, and they can't delay me for long. For me, as Shizuru would say, or even if it is someone like me, how I'd put it in a clearer way, I'm not going to be able to fool myself with something so simple, even if I let others get away with similar things from time to time. Nuns spring to mind. Shizuru remains, in an absolute way, smiling in a red kimono. Smiling in a purple kimono. Thoughts that flow like water and twist like threads wrapping together and forming a braid. A red thread, perhaps, but nothing's so convenient. Even if she has such faith in birthright, the world won't move in such a contrived way. Certainly, I don't feel any such simple thing. Nor does she, and that turmoil is something she's showing, more an more. I'm glad and I struggle, because even though I'm courageous I bear my own scars and her wounds are so deep and hard to bear. I don't know whether I can do anything. The girl who walked through the fire of hell without being touched by the flames, because she burned brighter than that with a dark and sinister aura, still bears festering cracks in her body that run to the heart. A deep, incomprehensible corruption. Even if I see it, I can't lie to myself and say that it's pretty or easy to look upon. And I don't know whether I have the strength and power to do anything about it either.

If I pull my hand from the water, it will slide from it. Is there any meaning in that? Not really. That's just what water does, without apology. But I suppose some moisture would cling to me, as well, until the air stripped it away or I wiped it clean with a towel.

I slammed my hand into the water, and it splashed violently. That is also what water does without apology, so I can't draw any satisfaction from anything so simple. Shizuru remains with me, even now, and simple gestures won't separate my complexities of thought from me even if they do quite nicely express my feelings. Why the hell do I care? That's a question I never have a straight answer to, ever. Why could I forgive her, and why can I stay with her, after that? Are my feelings so fickle and easy to manipulate, or am I so eager to reassure her as well? But just asking questions doesn't change anything; it doesn't feel like progress at all. I'm selfish. I want this mind of mine to be clear. A truly easy life, that's what I'm after, because I'm a lazy person. I don't aspire to enormous heights, and I don't feel the need to apologise for wasting my potential or anything like that. I'll just lean on who I am without regret, just as water flows. So why do I have be ever aware of her, before everything else? It's tough and tiring and a little scary, when I remember who she is and what she has done. I'm selfish, and I'm here for my own reasons. I just want that painful waking dream to go away.

It's a conceit to think my conceit is unique in that respect, though. You can't separate what we want to do from what we want to do for others, because they're the same things in the end. Everything begins with the self, so I don't need to feel ashamed. The simple fact is that I couldn't leave things as they are. Simply walking away isn't any kind of solution to any of our problems. I doubt her ghost would fade so softly and so easily, and even if it did, she's been too close to me for too long. That guilt and that regret would replace her red eyes, and would definitely be harder for me to bear. I'm softhearted and foolish at the core. Even if I have a pretence of coldness, I can't see Shizuru as I can other people, to be used as I please and taken or left with the same casualness. She's come too completely into my life, my world and myself, for that to be true. My personality has changed so much, because of her. If I was stunted and broken before, she was the tree I clung to and snaked upwards. That same dependence I bear for her is why I'm so troubled now, because her sickness becomes my own. In other words, I have to see this through to the end.

Aren't circles very elegant shapes?

I stood abruptly, water sloshing around my feet. And then I stepped out, water obliging me by following the call of gravity and dripping onto the floor. A towel thrown over my shoulders, clean and white, and I swiftly exorcise it outright. But it clings in my hair and isn't polite enough to leave so soon. I settled for pushing my hair out of my eyes and away from my skin. Someone had been kind enough to leave a folded white robe. Presumably, I was supposed to sleep in it. I put it on. Well, considering my other clothes had been kidnapped, I didn't have much choice. I'm sure Shizuru is used to this, but for my part the idea of people doing things for you without saying anything or expecting payoff is creepy. I really would feel better if I had to pay them, though I'd also feel worse, being stupidly in debt as I would be and all. And wandering in something like this through a stranger's very large house was a little worrying, as well. Luckily I could at least remember my way back. I have more faith in my navigational skill than I do my ability to make an elegant knot out of tangled thought, anyway. Sounding like Shizuru in my head doesn't help at all, in one way and another.

Eight. Or, to put it another way, with ample time until eleven. Prudence dictates I should sit quietly in my room, waiting until that time. Perhaps I could read, if I was feeling risqué. The point is that everyone else must be asleep, or distant as to be no matter, by that point. Shizuru should be no different, especially if she's in the room next to me and separated by ludicrously thin walls. If I wanted to see her, I'm pretty sure charging straight through would work. Failing that, using Haruka's skull. Not that she's around.

I knocked on her door instead. "Shizuru? Can I come in?"

"If you like."

I slid the door open and stepped through. I'm afraid prudence and I are rather out of love with each other. Living that way did not end so well for anyone before. "I just had my bath," I said, slightly unnecessarily. "I'll admit, whoever does that, they're good at it."

Shizuru looked up at me from where she was lying on her futon, smiling vaguely. "I'm glad you were satisfied by that. A good bath after a long day is refreshing, right?"

"Yep. I'm glad you know something useful," I remarked, closing the door behind me. "But the day's not over yet. This is still a holiday, right? Way too early to go to sleep!"

Shizuru chuckled. "But don't you say so often that I need to get more sleep right now?"

I blinked. "Oh, yeah. Good point. Do you want to?"

"Not really," Shizuru said tiredly. "I'm just resting a little, that's all. Relaxing is good after a long day, as well, and I can feel at ease like this."

I sat on the end of her futon, glancing at her. "Is it okay if I stay here for a bit? I'm bored."

"Feel free, by all means." Shizuru glanced at me. Her room, her hair, her body, those white robes, all of them were gentle, pure and warm colours, something that wrapped her and struck you with a serene aura. Her violent eyes were striking amidst all that deceptive peace. "I hope you haven't been too troubled, today," she said abruptly. "Especially by Tou-sama. He has an occasionally difficult manner."

Now that's an understatement. "Not at all," I said seriously. "I'm the one who's troubled you, right?"

"Hmm. You shouldn't speak like that, you know," Shizuru remarked, sighing. "You've been obliged to say insincere and apologetic things too much for me to be happy already."

"You're still an idiot, because I don't do that for you," I said. But I couldn't quite frown as strictly as I'm supposed to. "Your parents are different, but if it's you, I say what I mean. In this instance, I'm sorry… you haven't been given an easy time because of me."

"That would happen regardless, I suspect," Shizuru replied amicably. "There's no need for you to feel any kind of responsibility."

"Well, I'm only going to apologise a little, regardless of what you think about it," I said in a forthright way. "This is also your fault for being so damn stubborn and not telling me until a week ago."

Shizuru glanced at me for a long moment, her face ambiguous. "I suppose so," she said eventually, turning her head away.

"Come on," I said playfully, leaning forwards. "What's with that serious expression?"

Shizuru smiled slightly, sitting up and drawing the cover around her. "I'm just reflecting on the fact that I never have much chance against your stubborn side. You'd think that I'd have learned that by now, right?"

"Well, yeah. But it's entertaining, isn't it?" I said, smiling at her. This was why I always laugh at her overcomplicating things, as well. It's a lot easier to her face, and my doubts are a long way away.

"You know, Natsuki, I'm a little curious," Shizuru said, returning my smile. "What are two teens supposed to do in a bedroom at this time, anyway?"

"Good question," I said, pretending not to notice the inference. "Sit around and talk about guys… isn't going to happen."

"Really? How disappointing," Shizuru said, with a hand on her cheek and a faux-sad pout on her lips. "I want to know how Natsuki's taste runs."

"So you can do them in?" I asked lightly.

Shizuru glanced at me. "Nothing so dramatic, unless they're annoying, right?"

"Something like that," I replied. "I know. I brought playing cards. I'll go and get them."

"Poker?" Shizuru asked innocently.

"No thanks," I said, making a face and leaving quickly. I'd introduced Shizuru to that game few years ago, and thought myself very clever for doing so at the time. Right until she smiled in an innocent way, giggled and asked me whether her four-of-a-kind was any good. I lost that game, and ended up having to go to that year's Festival with her. Ever since then, I've been rather cautious about her demonic luck, not to mention her perfect poker face.

* * *

I sat in the darkness, waiting in a contained way. When I'm through with games, I'll return to this. Even if I'm a lazy person, I'm not weak or naïve. I will survive, and let everyone else survive. That's why I have concealed my pistol under the wardrobe.

My phone vibrated, and I picked up. "Kuga here."

"_Understood. It's me, of course. I have some good information."_

"I see. Did you meet with them?"

"_I did."_

I sighed softly. "And just what information did you give them?"

"_I can't tell you that, but I'm sure you can guess. I hear the temples are very good to visit at this time of year, and other historical things."_

"Is that so… who was asking?"

"_I've charged you in the normal way, of course. This won't come cheaply."_Yamada coughed. _"In any case, I was a little surprised by them. I suppose I shouldn't be, though. I have dealt with you for some time."_

I rolled my eyes. "You know, I'm not paying you for strange hints. I want hard information up front, so cut the theatrics. It's late."

"_Simply my way of lightening the mood. It's a woman in her mid-twenties, probably 26 to 27. She's very tall, 5'9" or 5'10". Nothing less than that. Short dark hair, blue eyes, pale skin. She was wearing a long black trenchcoat, black trousers and that's all I saw. Completely comfortable with our environment, and dealing with me. Up-front, clean negotiations, no diffidence. She's done this before. No trouble from anyone else, either. I looked around, but I don't think anyone was covering for her. Kept it businesslike, with no discussion on why she is interested in this information or anything like that. Or perhaps I'm just telling you that, as I wouldn't tell you anyway."_

"I see." I frowned. "A woman? Seriously?"

"_Of course. I hope you, of all people, aren't surprised."_

"I'm different." I closed my eyes briefly, considering this. "Do you think she could be fronting for a larger group? The people I expect to be dealing with wouldn't be afraid to sacrifice a single person for information."

"_This isn't a consultancy, you know. Unless you're going to pay me more, than I'll talk all night."_

"Yeah, yeah. Just answer, already."

"_Well, you're a good customer. I don't think so… any group who can spare manpower could probably have their own intelligence. Crimson is not low-profile, is she?"_

"I suppose that's true," I conceded. "Nothing else that you're aware of? No words of movement from the patriots in this direction?"

"_No. They're currently busy in the USA, by all accounts. Nothing from organised crime or assassins, either, that I can see."_

"And was she carrying a weapon?" I asked.

"_You certainly expect dangerous friends. That sure makes me curious," _Yamada remarked idly. _"I don't know. That coat could hide anything."_

"I see. I don't suppose you can tell me where she's going next?"

"_I'm afraid not. Because I don't know."_

"You can probably guess, though. As can I. Fine." I sighed deeply. "I'll leave it there for now. Call me if anything major turns up."

"_Naturally. I am being paid for that, after all." _

I rang off and deleted the call from my phone's memory. Everything can be traced, and that unpleasant man is just a case and point. But I must go through the motions, all the same. Once I'd done that, I placed my phone next to my futon and leaned back, resting my head on my hands and looking up at the ceiling.

Crimson for her eyes. I'm not very good at these things.

The trouble is protecting her, which is very hard. It's not a story-type thing or a matter of will either. If it was just throwing myself in front of her body to stop a bullet of a knife, I would without stopping to think. Whatever else I've thought about her, I've never questioned that logic. In part, because she's important to me. In part, because I don't want to lose anyone any more. And in part, because I can understand why people may want her dead. I won't forgive anyone stupid enough to chase after the same stupid logic that so obsessed me before.

But this isn't a story and I can't know that I'm going to arrive in the nick of time. This is reality, which can kill people in unkind ways that I can't guard against. Poison. Sniping. Hit-and-run. There are plenty of methods, and even someone without such effort can simply attack her at the right time with a gun and win. I can't just carry my pistol anywhere I like, because I don't want to be arrested and jailed for life. My knives, legal and illegal both, have limits. And even if I have a gun, I can't always be around her, and I can't stop several people coming at once. I don't know how many people survived the First District, but it wouldn't take very many, after all. Now that I don't have Duran and my Elements, my capabilities have been much reduced. When she goes to university, there's no way I'll be able to cover her at all. And my budget is limited, too. The insurance money is finite and Yamada isn't cheap. I was lucky, in that I'd been considering stopping prior to this. That was naïve. I should maintain my resolve, which is to shield her.

Of course, this could be a complete coincidence. Perhaps this woman's going to give her a birthday present or reveal herself as her secret long-lost older sister. And while I'm dreaming, perhaps I have an M-16. I wouldn't mind one.

Shizuru's door opened, which made me twitch. Was she still awake this late? If so, she'd better not have heard what I'd been saying. Well, I'd been as quiet as possible, but these walls are thin. For a long moment, I thought she was going to storm in and ask what the hell I was conspiring about, but she carried on down the corridor. I dismissed my relief and tried to ease my rather paranoid mind. Sleep is another time when I can't do anything, of course, but I have to live. Sometimes I think I have so little chance of achieving anything that I don't know why I'm even bothering. But I have to struggle, as well as live. She has to live. These are interconnected things in my life.

A house at night is a curious thing. Large or small, it both widens and narrows the senses. You can't see much, but even a point of light in the distance or through the curtains will remain vivid. And there isn't much to hear, so if there is anything to hear you'll hear it. It was a peaceful night, though, without parties, loud music, sex and the other things I'd associated with the ambience of the dorms at this time. I suppose that's normal for a family like the Fujino, but it's just plain weird when a household this large can be this quiet, as well. It helps me concentrate on lapsing out of all concentrating and going to sleep, though it also emphasises every damn creek those floorboards make. But I guess it isn't as enjoyable as I thought this kind of peace would be, for some reason. Somehow I'd got used to being around so many people my own age, where I'm very alone now. None of that was important, though, or even necessary. I should go to sleep while I had the chance, anticipating Shizuru waking me up at a godawful hour in the morning. I closed my eyes.

Unfortunately, paranoid and soldiery thoughts do not assist sleep very much. Or I've come far enough to fill my thoughts and dreams with unpleasant, painful scenarios but not far enough to sleep easy on them. I turned over several times, trying not to dwell too feverishly on my mysterious, tall antagonist and the dubious defensive properties of a classical residence with a large, vegetated garden.

Oh, and my throat was dry and chafing. I prefer keeping a glass of water by my bed, for preference, but I hadn't felt bold enough to fetch that this evening.

After five minutes of inner war, I gave up and got up, no less sleepy and still thirsty and paranoid. I'm not afraid of the dark, under any circumstances. That's childish. But the darkness can amplify your existing imaginings, that's all I'm saying. Even so, I'm not going to be stopped from going out by something lame like that. I mean, I've faced squiddy-dragons and an indeterminate number of soldiers, armoured personnel carriers, tanks and orbital cannons. The former was scarier than the latter but both of them trump my shadow, which in point of fact is just blocked light and can't stab me or spawn zombies or anything. It's just that no one told my spine.

The abrupt sound of splashing water didn't do me any favours, either. It stopped for a moment, then picked up again, hanging on the edge of my hearing. I kept a hand on the wall as I blundered towards where I thought the kitchen was, trying to ignore it. It stopped for about twenty seconds, reassuring me, then restarted just in time to worry me anew.

And the opened door was another matter altogether. I pushed my back against the wall, listening to make sure no one was sneaking around the house. No one, as far as I could tell, apart from me anyway. And then I went outside.

The grass was cold against my feet, and the stars were bright and beautiful. I could have cared less about that, though, I was fricking freezing. Even summer weather has a limit.

I found the source of the mysterious splashing past a grove of those damn trees, and took a few moments to work it out and make sure I wasn't sleepwalking, hallucinating or dreaming back in bed. I mean, I could describe the constituent pieces easily enough.

Wet clothes.

Nighttime.

Pond.

Katana.

Cold air.

Girl called Shizuru.

There wasn't any logical association that could bring them together, that was the problem.

Or to rephrase one more time, what the fuck was Shizuru doing in waist-high pond water in the middle of the fucking night?

Shizuru just looked down at the water as if there was something very important hiding there. Her robes clung to her, soaked through, reducing her to the most fundamental level you can reach while retaining clothes at all.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" I asked loudly. "Sleepwalking?"

Shizuru's head shot round and she regarded me with a moment's utter shock. Abruptly, she schooled her expression, frowning slightly. But I wasn't going to be fooled by that, even in the half-light. The last time she'd worn that look, she'd called out Kiyohime and blown everything up. It didn't encourage me. "If I said that," she said in a dignified voice, "would you believe me?"

I rubbed my forehead irritably. "Do I want to know the truth?"

"Probably not," Shizuru said bluntly. She splashed her face with water, shaking her moist and tangled hair out and pushing it away from her collar. "I was feeling feverishly hot. That's been remedied, somewhat."

I stepped closer, narrowing my eyes. "You know, that would be a lot more convincing if you weren't shivering hysterically. Just how cold are you right now? I'm bad enough dry, it's late, and this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen you do… ever."

"Then I'll say you're dreaming. I'm sure you find it absurd enough for that," Shizuru said bitterly. She glanced at me, eyes hard. "This must be a rather pathetic image, considering the great and wise person I'm supposed to be…"

"Who gives a shit about that?" I asked rhetorically, stepping closer to her. I felt strangely calm and collected, as if this actually made sense. If it was a dream, then it all did make sense, as much sense as any dream did. If it was real, then I'd go with the flow. I was too tired to have any actual doubts. I knelt gingerly, offering my hand. "Come on. Get out before you do yourself an injury."

Shizuru ignored me, turning around and wading deeper. "You know, it's a terrible thing, to be chased by the dead," she murmured. "You can't outrun them, and you can't make them go away. They're already dead. Prayer can only go so far when there's much stacked against you."

If this was real, what came next? I tried to remember. You generally know what to do in dreams. "Joining them won't help," I said irreverently, pressing my palms against the moist grass. "So go indoors. Warmth is better, right? Anything else can follow."

"You don't understand. You never understand anything, after all." She tilted her head upwards, closing her eyes. "That sword is there. You should do it yourself."

"This thing?" I asked, prodding the sheathed katana with my foot. I knelt, picking it up and balancing it on my knees. "Actually, it's pretty heavy. But you can't do anything useful like this, and neither can I."

"It's the right thing to do. I deserve to die, after all. But if you did it, it'd trouble you…" Shizuru turned, raising her hand. "Here. Give it to me."

"Don't want to," I said automatically, tightening my grip on the sheath.

Shizuru regarded me for a long moment, frowning. "Do you hate me that much?"

"You said that last time, and it was bullshit then as well. I made Duran huge to save you, so you aren't to sneeze yourself to death now." I sat, sliding my feet into the water. It was incredibly cold, as I'd thought. I started to shiver myself. "Can't we just go in and get some sleep?"

"I'm troubling you again. That never ends." Shizuru looked away again. "Them, too. Nothing's changed."

"You were smiling earlier," I said accusingly.

She turned, and smiled at me. "I always smile."

"Yeah, but last time it was real," I pointed out. "And you won the game, so you shouldn't do silly things."

Shizuru closed her eyes, sighing. "It's cold."

"I have blankets," I remarked, offering my hand again.

This time, she took my hand with her own, without ever looking at my face. "Warm."

I pulled my legs out and squatted. "Let's go back. My physics teacher needs sleep."

She followed me out of the water, staggering violently. I put a hand around her shoulders and helped her walk back, sword held lightly in my other hand, trailing across the ground. Her head lolled against mine. "You're seriously going to kill yourself," I said thoughtfully.

"You aren't allowed to talk about my eyes any more, though. It's unfair. I don't like it." Shizuru laughed abruptly, long and hard.

With retrospect, I can't separate reality from the dream. On some days I imagine that I imagined the whole thing. But her body supported by mine felt real and stayed with me for a long time.


	20. Chapter 20

**Windows of the Soul: Part Twenty**

This chapter has an uneven tone, which is good. If it's me, that means 50 angst 50 sanity as opposed to my normal 100 angst. Yay sanity, much needed by the poor and much-abused girls in my uncertain care...

I'm taking bets on when this story will end. It's not like I know.

* * *

"So, you can't move." Those bloody eyes leered at me. "That's nice, isn't it?" 

I bit my lip, pulling in vein against the tightly wrapped chains holding my hands behind my back. I didn't say anything, because there was nothing I could say that would possibly reach her. Her red naginata glittered dully as she held it almost casually by her side, then she raised it abruptly, pointing it straight at my chest. "Well?"

I gritted my teeth, trying to push myself forwards, struggling to reach the blade. Our eyes met and she smirked viciously at the sight, pushing the weapon forwards slightly. It rubbed against my stomach gently before she pulled it back, driving the point into the ground. "Weak. That's not a way out, I'm afraid." She strode forwards, raising her hands and touching my face. "You know, I've waited for a very long time. I have become very tired of your weakness. Always smiling, always crying. Always laughing, always fearing. You embrace paradox in an unsightly way, because you don't have the mental consistency to take one path or another. It's very disappointing." I closed my eyes, hissing as she ran her nails down my cheek, digging into my skin. "And you can't be right, so you might as well be wrong. Aren't flames prettier than a cloudy sky?"

"Go away," I said weakly.

She moved deftly between the chains, placing her hands on my shoulders and stroking me gently. "It gets pretty tiring, your hate for me." She slid her hands down my back, chuckling as my muscles tensed. "There's no honesty in it. No acknowledgement of the fact that without me you'd have died without being able to do anything." Those hands dwelled on me, touching my stomach, my breasts, my face as she embraced me, breath warm against the back of my neck. She touch made me sick to the stomach. I could barely think or breath, I couldn't move, I could only stare enviously at the naginata. If it had come to this…

"Call her."

My eyes shot open.

"Call her name… Kiyohime," she whispered, words lingering sensuously on her tongue.

I just shook my head as far as I could, trapped around the neck.

"Hm." She released me, walking around and regarding me from the front again. "Your masochistic tendencies, I'll oblige them. But when that girl blames us remember we could have called her name…"

Natsuki.

Something shook me, I slipped downwards, but even if it was this dream I was too tired and too pained to end this sleep. Her eyes stared mockingly at me, my eyes, that mirror of me. The tassel at the end of my naginata fluttered in the wind, but even if I try to hold onto those images I can't stop knowing the real world I must always return to. A world more complex and more troubling than simple, violent dreams. Someone was shaking me quite violently, and calling my name. I mumbled incoherently, trying to turn over, but my arms wouldn't obey my mind's sleepy orders at all. So I just remained as I was. "Go away…"

"Shizuru! Wake up or I will kick you to death!" She shook me harder, hands getting dangerously close to my neck.

I prised my crusted eyes open, staring into her own. "Natsuki…" I murmured sleepily.

"Ojou-sama," Hideko said quietly.

My head hurt already. "Shoo," I muttered, closing my eyes again.

"Shizuru, wake up right now and take responsibility for this!" Natsuki ordered violently. "Or so help me god I will stove your head in with a fucking lamp!"

That got my attention enough to make me force myself up, shaking my head violently and trying to clear my thoughts. "This is a little unexpected…" I croaked, throat sore. And then I remembered, a little, of what had happened last night. I stood instantly, pushing Natsuki's hands off my shoulders, and swayed on my feet. "Get out."

"That's my line!" Natsuki said irritably.

"Ojou-sama, this is Kuga-sama's room," Hideko said, looking worriedly at me. "It would be better if you left here so she can change."

I looked around blearily, blood pounding violently through my head. Certainly, this wasn't my room. And I hadn't slept in my bed, either. Even my aching head raced through a pile of speculation in that short space of time. "I see," I said abruptly. "Then I'll go back." I took a step forwards, but my right leg trembled under me, sliding against the futon. I pushed myself up against my knees as I started to cough violently, struggling to breathe.

"Shizuru!"

"Ojou-sama!"

Two people moved to support me, which may well be why my knees folded under me. They held my arms, stopping me from falling over completely. "This is a very unpleasant morning," I noted weakly.

"I told you, didn't I?" Natsuki said sharply.

"Please don't shout," I murmured. "My head hurts." I used the chance to observe the situation. A maid I didn't know was watching from the door. Either Natsuki's right now, or just curious or to help.

"Your complexion is very strained," Hideko warned. "By your leave, Kuga-san, I will put her to bed in her room and call for medical attention. Rie, if you could notify Viola-sama…"

My katana was leaning innocently against one of the walls. "Please don't make such a fuss," I managed. I coughed to clear my throat. "It's just a cold."

"Yeah, we'll ignore that," Natsuki said bluntly. "Let's go."

They moved towards the door, but I pulled myself free. "I can walk," I said, with a pained dignity. I took a step forwards, focusing on the door. My limbs were on fire, but I managed to move in the right direction. If not exactly in a straight-line. It was an unwelcome sensation. I'm used to being able to walk properly, at least, so a blow to my self-control on such a fundamental level really wasn't very welcome. I pushed the door open and stepped out into the corridor, leaning against the wall for a moment.

"Don't force yourself," Natsuki said, following me. "You aren't well."

"Shut up," I muttered, barely articulating the words. I pushed off and walked down the corridor, trying to stop my body from trembling. It was excruciatingly cold. I pushed the door to my room open and stepped through, coughing again.

"Always with your godamn dignity," Natsuki complained, watching me. We're trying to help."

"I'm fine," I repeated meaninglessly, collapsing onto my futon and crawling forwards. "I just need more sleep, after that violent awakening…"

"The hell you do."

I slipped under the covers, resting my head gratefully. Despite instinct, though, I kept my eyes open. "Hideko, don't call a doctor."

"But, ojou-sama, you are obviously sick…"

"Don't call a doctor. That's an order." I coughed slightly, but managed to stop myself in time. "This will probably blow over, so I don't intend to make a fuss about it."

"Yes, ojou-sama," Hideko said, giving me a worried look. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Can you please bring a glass of water?" I asked, rubbing my sore throat irritably. I coughed again, clearing it. "My mouth is very dry."

As I had intended, Hideko bowed swiftly and withdrew, closing the door behind her.

Natsuki leaned against the wall and folded her arms. Her robe hung loosely about her body.

I turned my head to face her, frowning. "Why did you take me to your room?"

"Because I didn't trust you alone, at that point," Natsuki said sharply. "That's natural, isn't it? And nothing happened, before you get perverted thoughts."

"Never crossed my mind," I lied easily. "Did you sleep on the couch?"

Natsuki flushed furiously, turning her head and staring at the door. "Not precisely."

Despite my misery, I found a little amusement in that face. "Oh? The floor, then? You shouldn't do that, Natsuki, it's bad for your spine."

"I don't you telling me how to look after my health right now, thanks." Natsuki scowled deeply. "We happened to sleep in the same futon, for what it's worth. It was the only way I could prevent you from escaping if you woke up again."

"Ara, Ara. I approve of that logic." I closed my eyes, coughing again. My voice kept dropping, thanks to my sore throat. "But don't worry, I'm not so bad a person as to leave you in the middle of the night without a word…"

"Shut up. In any case, when your damn maids woke me up…" Natsuki gritted her teeth. "It just so happened that… well, coincidentally, I wasn't facing away from you as I'd intended. That's all."

"I see," I said slowly.

"And… Uhm… with my arms…" Natsuki grimaced. "Anyway, the point is that they saw us like that, and it could be misconstrued. You're the one who has to explain that later. I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea." She glared at me. "You don't want to use the truth, do you?"

I closed my eyes. "That's certainly true. Thank you… for your consideration…"

"We'll be having a talk later," Natsuki warned. "A long talk. In the meantime, I'm taking your weapons. I don't see why they're in your room in the first place."

"You shouldn't take me for a child who you can't trust with sharp things," I muttered distractedly, trying to stay focused. My body just wanted more painful sleep.

"You really shouldn't be surprised, either."

I opened my eyes again and watched sidelong as Natsuki crossed the room, touching my wakizashi. "You shouldn't do that," I said quietly.

"Like I said, you-"

"You shouldn't do that," I repeated, forcing myself to sit up. My eyes fluttered uncertainly, fighting the tiredness that was all around me. "Those swords. Are my soul. Even if it's Natsuki, I can't let you take them."

Hideko returned, with a glass and a jug of water. "Here," she said quietly, placing them both on the floor next to me.

I smiled weakly, picking up the glass and taking a sip.

"So they're important, right?" Natsuki asked, turning to me.

I nodded, surprised at her reasonable tone.

"Then trust me, and entrust them to me," she said, glancing at me. "If you do that it's fine."

I looked at her for a long moment, while Hideko simply looked between us, frowning. "If I ask for them… then give them back."

Natsuki scowled, then shrugged. "Fine. If it makes you happy. But you do have to ask."

I fell back again, closing my eyes. "Then that is acceptable. Be careful with them. Especially the naginata, which isn't kept sheathed."

"Of course." I closed my eyes, too exhausted to argue further. "Hideko, please don't let anyone else disturb me… or if they have to, don't let them talk to me. I need to sleep."

"Understood, ojou-sama." Hideko stood, nodded, and left.

When I opened my eyes again briefly, Natsuki was at the door herself, carrying my wakizashi. "It feels rather like I'm troubling everyone," I observed quietly.

"Of course. So you aren't allowed to stay ill for very long."

I chuckled. "Of course."

"But you know," Natsuki said, looking back at me. "We're fine with being troubled, if it's to help another person. We're not that impatient. So right now, you should worry about no one but yourself, and trust us to do whatever it takes to help you."

I doubted she was talking about my physical sickness. "You should keep a healthy distance," I said idly. "I'm probably contagious."

"Under the circumstances, I doubt that," Natsuki said, half-turning and watching me again. "Get some sleep." That rough, gentle voice.

"Of course." I smiled pleasantly at her. Her eyes lingered for a moment, and then she left silently.

It isn't easy to keep smiling when I know she's seen the most humiliating aspects of my personality, but I will continue to do that. Until my last, I must continue to smile and protect myself as best I can. That's for her, as well.

* * *

Shizuru. 

Even when she can barely walk, she still smiles and talks about being an imposition. Honestly, it's unforgivable.

I walked back to my room, placing the shorter sword next to the long one and trying to forget about it. Honestly, I'm a soldierly type, but a teenage girl having real swords in her room is bizarre to begin with. After that, I shut the door and changed quickly, trying to keep my mind clear of thought. I was hungry, and the morning was advancing. I couldn't afford to stand and stare at space for half an hour, though that could be useful right now. Sleeping in the same bed as Shizuru? It made sense at the time, but what the hell was I_thinking_?

I stopped for a second, flushing again at the memory. It had kept her warm, I'm sure, but now my arms ached. And that, unfortunately, was the least of my problems.

That stuff was a tertiary concern, though. That girl, doing whimsical and dangerous things without saying a word or giving a reason… and keeping everything to herself without any apology at all. It drives me insane. Of course it would hurt, if you didn't let anyone help you at all. Why the hell has she forgotten that when she was the one who taught me the same thing? Or does she know that, and carry on all the same? That would be worse. The more I know, the more I realise that I know very little, and the more I realise that I need to know more. Not just for my sake, but because she won't let anyone help unless they force their way into her affairs. Ever subtle and busy herself, she dislikes that in others, and does this. What am I supposed to do, when I can barely think my way out of the word-games she plays for idle fun?

And if I start on that line of thought, I would be in the same place all day. So I dressed myself instead, then went to wait outside Shizuru's room. I heard them coming down the corridor of this too-audible house, of course.

"Good morning, Natsuki-chan," Saaya remarked, smiling at me. Viola just nodded at me, looking distracted.

"Morning," I replied gruffly. "Don't disturb her too much."

Viola stopped in front of me, turning her head. "Naturally. You haven't eaten breakfast yet, have you?"

I shook my head.

"That is convenient. I would appreciate it if you could eat with me, after I've seen her briefly. So I will let her sleep."

I nodded. "That's fine."

"Thank you for taking care of her." Viola nodded to me, then opened the door and stepped through again. Saaya stood next to her. I remained where I was, but tried to listen.

"Still awake," Saaya noted.

"There are a lot of noisy people around," Shizuru teased. Her voice was disturbingly weak.

"We'll be brief," Viola said clearly. "I won't ask how you are feeling, that would be redundant. But I did call for a doctor to visit at the earliest possible moment. I would rather be strict and wrong than casual and wrong, if it's your health in question."

"You're overreacting," Shizuru said quietly.

"Not at all. You're being too relaxed about this. If there's anything we can do for you, please say."

"Where's Tou-sama?"

Viola sighed. "He's already left."

"Is that so?" Shizuru asked quietly. "If this continues, I may not be able to spar with him tonight."

"That's already out of the question," Viola said firmly. "But if there's nothing else, I'll leave you to rest. Hideko will stay with you."

Shizuru nodded vaguely, closing her eyes again. Viola turned, kimono rippling, and left quickly. "Kuga-san," she instructed curtly. Saaya waved at Shizuru and followed more slowly. "I'm very sorry this had to happen on your second day here. This must be rather troubling for you."

"No. These things happen, it doesn't worry me." What the hell is it with Fujino and apologising for stuff that doesn't matter?

"Good. Well, Saaya?"

The servant walked quickly, moving alongside Viola. "Well, as one would expect, Shizuru-chan was not looking her best," she said lightly. "The poor thing." She leaned inwards slightly, whispering quickly in Viola's ear as they walked. I stuck my hands in my pockets and slowed a little, falling behind.

But with or without her hair and her eyes, in that stiff neck and fast pace, I'm reminded of Shizuru's more serious moments. A family resemblance that's more than just mannerisms.

"I see. Sadly, that's fairly generic. Well, I'm no doctor." Viola glanced back at me, pinkish eyes narrowed in concentration. "Did you notice anything like this before, Kuga-san? I've heard nothing from Hideko or any of the other maids."

"Not really," I said awkwardly. "Well, I noticed she had a cold a few days ago. But I thought that was just a cold, and she seemed over it."

Viola nodded. "In any case, Shizuru is probably right, and there is no cause for concern whatsoever. But I err on caution on everything, especially when there's nothing to gain by taking risks."

"I like that attitude," I said conversationally. "You should teach Shizuru sometime. She's always so damn worried about her dignity."

"Well, reputation is important, but this has no bearing on that," Viola said precisely. "If she considered this in those terms, she'd be making a mistake."

"In any case, there's no cause for agitation," Saaya pointed out, laying her hand on Viola's shoulder. "Until we have more data, you shouldn't fret. It's bad for your skin."

Viola snorted quietly, slowing her pace a little. "You're right, of course. I suppose I'm being a little oversensitive. But having your daughter fall ill with this kind of timing…"

"Probably Shizuru-chan's little joke," Saaya suggested, smiling sweetly. "She's always had impeccable timing, after all."

Viola walked into the dining room. "That's certainly true," she admitted. "And without wasting my time on such thoughts, I should leave things as they are."

Breakfast was already waiting for us. I sat in my place, glancing awkwardly at Shizuru's full set. Saaya nodded slightly, and the butler glided forwards and took that food away. Presumably he's telepathic, or something.

"But it's a little surprising, Kuga-san," Viola remarked. "In all my memory, Shizuru has very rarely been sick. Even as a baby and then a child, she had a robust constitution. Was she any different in school?"

I blinked, slightly surprised that she'd bother talking to me. "Not really," I said. "It's as you said, if I think about it. Well, she leads a healthy lifestyle." Or something equally untrue.

"I'm glad," Viola said. "But that's also why I'm very surprised. Well, it's natural. There's no such thing as a person immune to illness, which is absolute. At best, you don't expect it when it comes."

"There's also the small matter of how often you get ill, something which happens a lot to her," Saaya remarked, smiling mischievously at me. "That's why Viola is so fatalistic."

"You shouldn't tease me, Saaya," Viola chided, sounding completely unworried. "But that said, she has a point. Shizuru takes after my father, not me."

"Is that so?" I asked politely, starting to eat my rice. "He was a strong man?"

"He was a very energetic man. He worked long hours, slept briefly, and yet remained a family man." Viola smiled wryly. "Though I doubt you have much desire to hear me talk about my own relatives."

"It's fine," I said. "I'm interested in Shizuru's family."

"Hmm. I wonder whether she talks of us," Viola mused, watching me idly.

Her gaze was rarely intent and piercing, as Shizuru's can be, because for her she gains nothing from that, if I were to put a reason to it. But Saaya was watching everything, as well. I shrugged awkwardly. "A little. But teenagers don't like to talk about their parents. Even if it's Shizuru, that hasn't changed."

"Of course," Viola agreed. "I was the same, at her age. But she does so take after my father. The hair and the eyes are both Leonard's, something that has come through even my condition."

"Natural red eyes is pretty unusual in itself, isn't it?" I asked. I tried to remember whether there was a proper order to eat this stuff in, then gave up and ate my pickle.

"This from the girl with blue hair," Saaya noted, giggling. "You're a curiosity unto yourself, Natsuki-chan."

"That's jus' coincidence," I mumbled through my food. I swallowed. "Coincidence."

"Do you take after your parents, at all?" Viola asked, delicately eating a piece of egg.

"My mother, a little," I said shortly. "Her sight was worse than mine, though."

"Ara. Something you have in common with Shizuru," Viola observed casually.

I winced. "That wasn't-"

"Now Viola is the one who is teasing you," Saaya said lightly. "Don't take her too seriously, it's bad for her ego."

Viola just smiled amicably, continuing to eat.

I glanced between those two. I still can't work them out. "If you say so," I mumbled, covering myself by eating another mouthful of rice.

"But family resemblance is an interesting case. It's a way in which we seek immortality, I think, and so is certainly something everyone wants to see in their children." Viola took a sip of water. "Shinri was very disappointed to see that Shizuru took after my side of the family. But he needn't worry, insofar as Shizuru carries a lot of his personality with her."

"Do you think?" I asked honestly. "I'd say she's more like you."

Viola chuckled. "I'm complimented, but I like to think I'm not that stubborn, if nothing else."

"Don't think that," Saaya said lightly. "You're very stubborn, as I always tell you. You're just too stubborn to accept that." She sipped her miso with the air of a philosopher. And somehow she's never eating anything the moment the time comes for her to speak.

"In any case, I do dislike fighting. I find it rather vulgar." Viola shrugged briefly. "Though I shouldn't say that to you. I can appreciate it is an important hobby to Shizuru, but that in itself doesn't make me happy."

"This isn't an easy world," I replied. "I'm glad that Shizuru at least has a means of defending herself. I'd be gladder if it was a more modern one."

Viola frowned slightly. "You're a very frank girl."

"I just stick to the simplest option, which makes me a little different from Shizuru. That's all there is to it."

"Well, in any case, you make a good point," Viola carried on. "Under the circumstances, I should be glad. But I don't want her to try anything stupid and endanger herself when she could give up."

"She's smart, isn't she?" I pointed out, deciding to stop eating for a moment. That was the only way to avoid bad timing. "If she can give up, she will. But if she has to do something or else be hurt or killed anyway, she'll be able to this way as well. It's fine."

"You're right, of course. I'm just clinging to the doubts I like to entertain." Viola sipped her soup. "What do you think, Saaya?"

"I think that it's a little cold, since we left it so long," she replied, putting her own miso down deftly and smiling. "But if I was to reply seriously, it's something Shizuru-chan can enjoy, or not, as she pleases."

"Of course. Well, I would be happier about that situation if it felt more like a hobby, and less like a duty. Sparring, indeed…" Viola glanced at me. "You shouldn't encourage them," she said sharply. "They're difficult to handle as they are, with all that violent fighting."

"Oh, sorry," I said awkwardly. "I guess I just got caught up in the atmosphere. But, really, it just annoyed me. I… couldn't just say nothing, if you know what I mean." I glanced at her, feeling a little defiant. "That would be cowardly."

Viola put down her own soup, smiling. "If you get caught in Shinri's pace, you'll always lose," she remarked. "His standards, in themselves, aren't something anyone should try and force on Shizuru. Isn't that just a little unkind?"

I blinked, feeling a little foolish. Was that what I'd done?

"Shizuru had already rushed ahead," Saaya said reasonably. "It's a little endearing, isn't it? There's no helping those two, after all."

"That's probably true, though I'd almost forgotten," Viola said. "I suppose I shouldn't resent them it. Now, at least, Shizuru is old enough to know better."

Somehow, they'd been eating faster than I had. I ate a lot more rice, trying to catch up. "Is that part of being a Fujino?" I asked between mouthfuls.

"Being a Fujino?" Viola asked, blinking gently.

"Yeah." I swallowed. "It's something Shizuru's been saying a lot, recently. This and that thing she does, aspects of her personality and things… they're as a Fujino or because of it or something. She does go on about it."

Viola laughed. "Really? I see. That's from Shinri, after all. You may have guessed, but he is the original Fujino. Well, that's how naming works, as well."

"I thought so. Shizuru mentioned you were from a shipping family, whatever that means."

"It's as it sounds. That was my father's principal business interest. But to answer your question, you are exactly right. To be a Fujino, Shinri knows how to fight. To be a Fujino, I can dance and write calligraphy and arrange flowers, even if I have to struggle with my sight. Shizuru, as daughter and heir, must do both, and be perfect." Viola closed her eyes. "I'm being unfair, of course. Shinri has also learned the more artistic aspects for himself."

"Man, that sounds like a lot of work." I put my chopsticks down, finally done. "And unnecessary, as well, if I'm honest."

"Life isn't always about doing what you have to do," Viola said. "What you think you have to is also important. And if you think you have to do many things, then you will be able to do them."

"Calculated insanity brings great rewards," Saaya translated, smiling at me.

"I suppose so. Well, Shizuru's great at what she does. Everyone admires her."

"People admire war heroes as well, but I don't envy them. Of course, I'm not detached from this, either. On the contrary, I embrace it." Viola frowned. "But I won't say too much on that, when my thoughts tend to become unnecessarily complicated."

"It's better to talk about the other person," Saaya chided gently. "So, how about it, Natsuki-chan? Has your family ever expected things of you?"

I lowered my gaze, considering. "Not really."

"You're a little fortunate, amidst teens of your age everywhere, that's quite an unusual freedom," she said carelessly.

I sighed. "It's nothing like that. Well-" I stopped myself, deciding not to say it. "I guess teenagers really don't like talking about their parents."

"Saaya didn't intend to pry," Viola said. "We can leave that conversation there, though. There's no reason to be talking about such gloomy things in the morning anyway."

"It's fine," I replied automatically. "Well, if that's the case- perhaps I can pry in turn."

"Oh?" Viola asked.

"You- two," I said awkwardly, wondering whether I was going to regret this. "Just what are you? It's a little different…"

"We're lovers," Saaya said abruptly, smirking as I flushed crimson.

Viola sighed deeply, rubbing her forehead. "Saaya, please don't say troublesome things that could cause misunderstandings."

"Oh, but it's funny," Saaya said. "Look at her. She's gone the most beautiful red."

"Well, it was a little funny," Viola admitted wryly. "But you shouldn't, all the same."

"I'm sorry I asked," I muttered seriously.

"I am Viola's eyes, and I've been that since before Shizuru-chan was born," Saaya said more seriously. "And her lady's maid, as well, as Hideko is for Shizuru-chan. That is the extent of my role."

"Her official role," Viola corrected. "But this woman will always busy herself with everything, you understand."

"And this woman always asks me to do unreasonable things like express opinions, and says her own things that trouble people and expects me to stay silent," Saaya said, smiling. "Well, after all this time, we are as accustomed as we should be. If we're part of the same body. I'm more talkative than any other eyes anywhere, though."

"I see," I said, rubbing my forehead to try and cover my embarrassment. "Sounds pretty unusual."

"Of course. I am a very fortunate person." Viola glanced at me. "It isn't easy for someone to find a person they can stand to be around for an indefinite period of time. I have two such people, and I'm very lucky for that."

Which two, I wonder?

"Do you have someone like that, Natsuki-chan?" Saaya asked, leaning on one of her arms and looking at me.

I blushed again. "Just how old do you think I am? Don't have profound images of teenagers!"

Saaya laughed. "Red, again. I might make a habit of this."

"Saaya…" Viola said warningly. "You should at least spare guests."

"Sorry."

"I'm used to it," I said, recovering myself. "Shizuru does that all the time. Did you teach her or something?"

Saaya put her finger on her lip, rubbing it thoughtfully. "Not as far as I remember."

"Most likely, she learned from example, if it all," Viola said wearily. "But never mind. What are you going to do today?" She glanced at me. "If you want to study, you can work in your room or in the library, as you please. They may not be of the right level, but we certainly have enough reference books."

"Maybe later," I replied. "But in the meantime, I want to make sure Shizuru's okay."

"Hmm. If that's the case, I will leave it to you. Imperatives are negotiable, but get worse as you get older… and I have things I must do every day." Viola stood, glancing at me. "I'll leave you to it. You probably have things you want to say as well, I imagine."

"If you tell her off too much, tell us, so we go easy on her," Saaya remarked, waving at me.

"I'll bear that in mind," I said, watching them go. Yep, they're both mad.

But I like that. Someone you can stand to be around for an indefinite period, that's very neat. More realistic than I'd expect from Shizuru's mother, especially if you fit it to marriage.

And do I have anyone like that? I flushed, and closed my eyes. Well, could was a moot point in itself. Sometimes it's impossible to do that, even though we struggle.


	21. Chapter 21

**Windows of the Soul: Part Twenty-One**

As ever(?!?), thanks for the kind reviews. And thoughts on words, as well. If they don't clearly mean one thing, it can be troubling. People can hide in the ambiguities between different shades of meaning, and cling to the views they expect or want.

Characters do that too, but that totally has nothing to do with authors or anything. Authors just dictate for the muses, yep-yep. Not their fault at all...

* * *

When I peeked through the door, she really was asleep. Hideko looked up and nodded briefly at me. I sighed a little, went to my room, and pulled out that damn timetable she'd given me. Today began with Biology, joy of joys. I sifted through my bag, trying to find my textbook.

Shizuru's swords rested uneasily against the wall, and weighed heavily on my mind. She's given me another unpleasant recollection to worry about. But in any case, they were a little worrying in themselves. I know what they can do, in a way normal people can't. That wasn't very important, though.

Once I finally found the damn book, I sat on my futon, flipping to the bookmarked page and beginning to read. It was something about muscles and their chemical processes.

How tedious. Muscles just work, and I'm not going to become a biochemist.

She'd say something sarky, but it's not like I'm stupid, or don't understand these things. I'm just a conscientious objector from academia, as it really is mostly useless. If I compare it to the reality that supports our world, an unkind one full of unkind people, I'd say that knowledge of muscle chemistry really is pointless. Now, knowing how to move, twist and strike to disable someone else, that's useful. So is knowing how to shoot, or hack, or barter. But you can't teach those things if you want to retain pretence of civilisation. You must struggle and aspire to a peaceful, pleasant world even if reality is crueller, if you are to remain human. We are to believe in that, and those who cannot believe any more should learn for themselves what they need to be crueller. That's what she said, when I talked to her about it, before that time. If I asked her now, would her answer change, I wonder?

And for that girl who has always followed the way of the sword, which did she always see herself as? A believer, or a cruel one?

I reached the bottom of the page, then noticed that I hadn't taken in the last three paragraphs at all. Rolling my eyes, I started again from there. Shizuru would undoubtedly laugh at me, and that would just distract me more. She has a very distracting laugh.

If I focus and think, I can see this page in her words and her voice, something that helps. She's actually pretty good at teaching, which surprised me a little. Well, perhaps a good teacher for me, who can keep up with her. I'm not sure how good she'd be with a more ordinary person, considering she takes her intelligence for granted and keeps on making cryptic remarks that even I can barely follow. Always assuming that if she goes at her own pace the world will catch up eventually. Such a casual attitude. But she understands everything, of course, and she can state things clearly and concisely. Not even Shizuru could make something complex and poetic about lactic acid, I guess. On the contrary, the fact that she has patience without a love of the subject means I can get through the material damn fast to begin with. I don't need anything more complicated than that. But trying to work without her is strange. Perhaps she's been bad for me, in that respect. I won't be so lucky any more.

This time, I managed to finish the page. If I were being strict, I'd take notes at this point. Undoubtedly she'd insist on that, but I find it far too boring for words. With that kind of logic in mind, I turned the page and started distastefully at it. Yep, those muscle fibres were really growing on me… or not, as the case may be. Sighing, I turned and flopped forwards, putting my book on the pillow and wrapping the blanket roughly about me. Perhaps that would help.

It didn't, but at least it made me feel a little more comfortable.

The sound of covers shifting, a weak cough, and then silence again. I scowled. These walls are just too damn thin, however I look at it. But it reminded me of a few things that were less than completely useful for the purposes my studying and concentration. I drew the blankets about my ears irritably, becoming a caterpillar. That was warm on a warm day, and not particularly easy on the arms. It just felt like a large space without that, though. Bigger than my apartment bedroom, at least, and less cluttered. People cleaned everything up before I could fill it with a good, wholesome mess, as well. Perhaps I'm just used to an enclosed, untidy space, but doesn't that give a cold, unfriendly feeling? It doesn't feel like your room if you can't look after it, or not, yourself and freely. Though as a guest, I shouldn't complain, but Shizuru's room is the same. Painfully precise. She probably likes that, though. I'm sure you get used to it after a while, and take it for granted. I wonder what her room would look like, if she ever lived without servants for a few weeks? I think I'd like to see that. At least I've grown used to damage control, even if I can't live like Mai. I don't have anyone to look after, unlike her, has always been the excuse I kept in my head. Even before that, too, I told Shizuru that it was because there was no one but me. And she would always smile, and say that if that's the case, I should count her for it. Just another piece of clever wordplay from her, who always teased me, is what I thought, while I tidied up if I knew she was coming round. She never slept over, though, something that suited both of us in various ways. We were always a little distant, even as close, and especially distant with the truth.

None of which has the slightest thing to do with my biology homework, of course. I sighed, rubbing my forehead tiredly. This was due to lack of sleep, absolutely. You couldn't concentrate under those conditions.

The princess shifted again in her uncertain sleep. Perhaps a pea had slipped into her futon.

I gave in to temptation, closing my textbook and sighing. Partly at her, and partly in self-reproach, myself. But it's really her fault if she's made me so damn used to her help. With that thought, I extracted myself and stood, heading for her room again. Hideko looked up when I opened the door. "Hey," I said awkwardly.

She just nodded again. No doubt she doesn't want to disturb the princess' sleep.

"If want a break, I'll cover for you," I said quietly. "Sitting there all day would be a pain, right?"

Hideko looked up at me, frowning for a moment. Then she nodded. "Very well." She stood and walked past me, closing the door behind her.

I walked forwards slightly, looking down at a sleeping Shizuru. She really did look sickly, her cheeks flushed unpleasantly and her bow beaded slightly with sweat. If it's her, being anything but pale is a genuine cause for concern. Even so, her sleeping face would bring plenty of princes running to rescue her. And even in this state, too, she'd blow them off, and do it herself, or else make friends with the dragon. That's the kind of person she is, not someone who collects many debts or relishes thank-yous. She'd kiss and wake a sleeping princess, though, if she was given the chance. That's my bad luck. I've always found it hilarious that we can be so casual about such fairy-tale behaviour, considering how creepy it is in actual life. Apart from that, though, she's similar to me. We'd be the third prince, not the prize, or failing that we'd win with the hands given to us without apologising to convention. But her sleeping face makes her an object, and I don't like that, after all. I can't tell her these things and watch her twist my words.

I tried sitting on seiza, gave up, and crossed my legs. She mumbled inarticulately and shifted her head again, thick and tangled brown hair falling over her eyes. I moved to brush her locks aside, then stopped myself. I didn't want to wake her, after all. Best to leave things be.

Her face was surprisingly close, and surprisingly vulnerable when her eyes are closed and her piercing stare absent. When she's awake, you are only aware of her gaze. It's active, roving over your face, the surroundings, away from you, and you're never quite sure what exactly it is she is seeing with those eyes. You focus on those eyes, of course. But like this, she can't ward me by such a convenient method. Of course, this isn't the first time I've seen her asleep. But it isn't something I see often, either. She doesn't relax, though she allows me to relax, and always kept herself upright around me. So there is a novelty in it.

Her eyelashes are long. I wouldn't be surprised, if you were to tell me that, but I hadn't noticed it before either. Small details come into focus when there is nothing else to focus upon.

She really does appear delicate and beautiful, like this. It's a pretty illusion, of course. Shizuru is certainly beautiful, but if she takes you seriously all you're really allowed to see is her eyes. And she isn't delicate in any sense of the term, though that is a pretty illusion I sustained for over a year. I'd hit upon it a little earlier when thinking about fairy tales, but Shizuru really isn't someone so simple that she can be described as a sleeping beauty. Even if she's a beauty asleep, she's still Shizuru. A complex and troubling person, who embodies a lot of contradictions. In herself, and in me. It's hard for me to reconcile my own conflicting desires, forget easing her own turbulent soul. The more she's saddened, the more she smiles. The more she loves, the more she hurts. So she isn't someone she can be understood. I have to bear all those things in mind, when I look upon her as she is now. It's uncertainly strange, to see her so weak and vulnerable and human. Even I put her somewhere separate in my head, a strange person who had strangely made friends with me despite the fact that she was so gentle and popular. Never showing explicit weakness. I suppose, in a way, this is a decent metaphor for how far she's fallen. But I don't have time for that.

Slight motions are emphasised and important. Even asleep, that characteristic, the fact that I always focus on her and her alone, hasn't changed. She demands that kind of attention, because I can't deal with her sloppily. In the same way the devil is always in the detail with Yamada and his kind, to discover anything about Shizuru you have to see only her. I learned that quickly. But it's also the kind of attention she demands for her own sake, implicitly, because she has that kind of mesmerising quality. The way she hugs the covers to her, her half-frown, her laden breath all strike me. It's cute and morbid to say that, but it doesn't make me happy to see her so lifeless, either. But I wonder whether this is what she wanted, to suffer like this. For the girl she has become if not the girl I knew before, that wouldn't be surprising. And I can understand those feelings, though they don't make me happy either. If I look upon her, it questions the matter of blame at all. The Carnival was too distant and celestial, and yet too real. Right or wrong has nothing to do with my emotions and her own, and if they fall one way or the other I can't judge that. She makes me feel uncertain, something I have always despised. Why can't she just smile sincerely and put me at ease?

I know her many reasons, which just makes it more frustrating.

That's what I receive, if I look upon her face. A slowly settling, painful melancholy that falls like snow. And gentle, overflowing feelings, my instinct to protect that I've always held for her. I can't fear her where she can hardly move. I'm a rational person, after all. And even if it's saddening, I can't not look. That's something I receive, just from watching her with my eyes. There's so much owed, so much to be gained, and so much lost. All of those reflections rise in me, and I know that what must be is not what is; though I don't exactly know when or how we can find a better future. Everything's tangled up, and altogether it's paralysing. But it's welcome, as well, because it almost feels warm, and the dream of everyone everywhere is really only lazy. To be warm, and comfortable, and inert, without needing to do anything in particular. For me, at least, I've dreamt of that. A world where I don't have to struggle so violently and for so long, with every good thing turned to ash by twisting circumstance. We have that in a common, a mournful dirge-bond, a sad and difficult fate that means we can't live as we please, but as we must. That may even be what attracted her to me in the first place.

And if I reach out, I can touch her face. Her cheek is warm and fevered. There's a trembling feeling that comes from that, the attraction of danger. I can understand, like that. It is easy, like this. When your own feelings are dangerous and terrifying, your loved one all-too alive and in an obscure way terrifying, it wouldn't be hard to do. There's a safety in it, an illusion that it wouldn't be a big deal, and that it wouldn't change anything. So easy, after all, to kiss Shizuru's lips while she slept and experience that sensation. How would it make me feel? Can I stand it? Would I enjoy it? What exactly is she to me, if I ask myself sincerely? Just a test. Nothing complicated or hard to do, an easy way of finding out. Her cheeks are so warm, her lips read and close, it's almost a natural thing. And if it's just this, what follows after would not be changed.

She probably thought things like that, back then. I let go of her face and turned away, cradling my hand on my lap and trying not to miss the sensation of her warmth against my skin.

The last time I felt that was this morning, when she was against me, the smell of her hair in my face, my arms around her and her warmth wrapping me. A protective feeling made pure by what you receive in return. Momentary peace. That was an overwhelming experience, in a way quite detached from everyday embarrassment and shame. If I look on her now, I wonder what it would be like to experience that closeness again. That kind of intimacy is a powerful thing, perhaps because I'm already struggling to be close to her. Even if our understanding and our words don't change, this allows me to feel a little nearer to my goal. Another beautiful illusion. It would be too cruel to try and make a habit of this, which would tempt and trouble Shizuru. So my foggy and ambiguous feelings remain, wrapping me in their own blanket, while she sleeps with murmurs and sweat. What does she see in her dreams?

* * *

When I wake, she is there. That is strange in itself, and the mark of a strange world. An ironic way to realise a hazy dream of mine, I suppose. "Good morning," I murmured quietly.

She must have been thinking about something, because she looked surprised. Her face is always so open, and so easy to read. "Morning," she replied uncertainly, giving me a worried and slightly guilty look.

"What time-" I coughed forcefully, clearing my throat, and pushed myself up. My head swam but I ignored it. "What time is it?"

"Hey, don't move," Natsuki warned, pushing my shoulder. To my shame, I couldn't offer any resistance, falling back again. "You shouldn't push yourself."

"You shouldn't stay near me," I replied weakly, glancing up at her. My hair was tangled, so I pushed it out of my eyes. "I don't want to give you whatever it is I have."

"If you mean stubborn idiocy, I have plenty of my own, thanks," Natsuki replied seriously. "But you should conscientiously lie there and do nothing. Sick people aren't allowed to complain about those arrangements."

I smiled a little, trying to clear my aching head. "Even so." I felt slow, a feeling I despise. I live on my fast mind and sickness checks that and weakens me in more ways than I like. If that's the case, it may be better not to speak at all, after all. But I can't afford to think in that way, never trusting the thoughts I could put into words.

"Well, better me than that maid of yours," Natsuki replied bluntly. "I have a stronger constitution. You aren't allowed to worry about anyone but yourself, either. I'm sure I said that earlier."

I chuckled softly, a sound that became a cough. I forced it down, clamping my mouth shut and turning my head away in embarrassment. "I suppose so."

"Honestly, you're always giving me trouble," Natsuki said, mock righteous. "My second day here, and you end up like this? You seriously have no sense of timing. Getting sick, after all these years… if this had happened at school, you'd get a break from work and attention from all those fangirls."

"I'm sorry."

Natsuki sniffed haughtily. "Idiot. Apologise by getting better quickly."

"I'll bear that in mind. But this certainly feels like the opposite of the usual circumstance." I chuckled uneasily, ignoring my itchy throat as best I could. "Remember when you came back with a broken arm one day?"

"Yeah," Natsuki said uneasily. "That was a while ago…"

"You were very stubborn," I said. My fingers grasped the pillow and twisted it slightly. "Until you'd reached the council room, you didn't say a word. But you cried from the pain, then. Even though I was sad you were in pain… I was a little happy, as well, to be trusted with your tears."

I didn't know, and don't know, why I spoke of that. Clinging to happy memories, I suppose. As if any meaning remained from those days. I could have no delusion, when exhausted pain was oppressing me so heavily.

"Yeah, well, it hurt," Natsuki said slowly. "It's okay to cry if something hurts. That's why you're more stubborn than me."

I smiled, perhaps just a little stubbornly, knowing she couldn't see my face. "You never did tell me how you got that injury."

"Well, it was a long time ago. I suppose you can guess, anyway."

"Of course. Even at the time." I closed my eyes, taking a breath. "You're right, of course. That was a long time ago."

"You saved me, though. I didn't want to go to a hospital with that kind of injury, after all. Questions would have been asked. But where did you learn to set an arm anyway?" Natsuki laughed. "At that time, I really did think… this girl can do everything."

"It was a clean break, so even I didn't have problems with it. Whoever that person was, they were good."

"That doesn't answer my question, you know," Natsuki replied. She was probably pouting at the back of my neck. She had that kind of tone, and I could see her face clearly in my mind. Too many years have tied her words and face together in my mind, part of the whole that is her that I see.

"I went on a course, once. I considered being a doctor, when I was about fourteen. I thought it would be an admirable thing, to help people, and other such romantic imaginings." I smiled weakly, taking another breath. My voice was breaking again, so I coughed more discreetly.

"A doctor, huh? I can see that," Natsuki remarked. "You have the personality, not to mention the brains."

"Otou-sama told me, that year," I recounted loosely. "A doctor doesn't earn enough. Even a specialist. And the hours are too long, and the training and advancement too slow. His sole child and heir should aspire to weightier matters."

"Really?" Natsuki asked. "What a pain. It's your life, isn't it?"

I touched my forehead gently, cursing the hazy pain. "What time is it?"

"Ten twenty-five," Natsuki replied, after a moment. "Still pretty early. Oh, someone brought you some breakfast that should be easy to eat." She looked around. "If you'd like. Now where did I put it…"

"It's fine," I replied flatly.

"Oh. Fair enough." Now her head would tilt and she'd look at me a little uncertainly. "Are you still tired? I should probably stop talking."

"Why did you come?" I asked, closing my eyes a little to rest them.

"Because I was worrying about you, idiot," Natsuki said. "Is there a problem with that?"

I took a deep breath, tensing my arms. "That's not what I meant."

"Then…" Her face would harden, at this point, and her jaw would set. "My answer's still the same."

I pushed myself up, turning with my hair falling about me and drawing the covers over my legs. As I'd thought, those emerald eyes were narrowed. "That's commendable, but you aren't supposed to see this. My trust is weaker than yours, after all… but I've always been a weak person."

"If you say it like that, I can't believe it," Natsuki replied steadily. "Even as you are now, you can still use that scary voice at abrupt moments. But you can't fool anyone like this, when it's so obvious you're fighting even to move and stay straight."

"You sure don't hold back, even against someone in that state," I replied coolly. I took another breath, pausing, then continued. "In any case, I know. I can't just laugh and smile this one off, right?"

"That's probably true," Natsuki said, more quietly than before.

"And you didn't come to this room to talk about the past, either," I remarked. "There's probably a lot you want to know."

"Well, that's also true," Natsuki said guardedly. "But it'll keep. You should rest for now."

She reached out again, but this time I caught her wrist with my hand. My grip was weak, but she withdrew her hand silently. "I've rested enough," I replied. "It's fine, isn't it?"

"You aren't allowed to talk seriously right now," Natsuki replied. "So go back to sleep."

"Is that so?" I asked, turning my head and looking at the wall opposite. "Well, I am rested. I don't sleep very well, any more. Even like this, being awake is better than…" I stopped abruptly, coughing violently. Despite myself, I was bent double and retching before it stopped.

"That's enough, Shizuru," Natsuki said worriedly. "Don't talk."

"Always so kind," I said, looking sidelong at her. "That's a little tiring for me. I miss the days when you hated me, in part and in a strange way. If you can keep lying with that smile, even I might believe that you've forgiven me."

"What are you talking about?" Natsuki demanded hotly. "You aren't in any condition to say smart things."

"Well, even talking like this is a little pointless, I'll admit," I replied, looking away again. "It's the simple fact that you already know all the answers you're looking for. But I suppose, for both of us, it is necessary for me to say it. Necessary to go through that humiliation, which is punishment in itself."

Natsuki gritted her teeth. "You know, you're doing it again. Twisting things out of sense and deciding things on your own. I don't want to punish or humiliate you, It isn't necessary, and right now you should shut up and go to sleep like a good girl. Got it?"

"You won't stop me, though," I observed. "You do want to know…" I coughed again, clearing my throat. "Well, it all comes down to aragami."

"Aragami?"

"I'm pursued by the spirits of the dead, those I killed in anger," I remarked casually. "They are numerous and very angry, vengeful beings who will never forgive me, no matter how much I repent." I glanced at her face, and burst out laughing. That became a coughing fit that shook my whole body. Eventually, I managed to bring my breathing back under control. "Of course, I don't believe that in a literal sense. Or, even if that's so, I can't do anything about it. But it is a decent metaphor for those things. Memories, dark dreams and regrets."

"Even if they're dead," Natsuki began, frowning at me.

"I can't do anything?" I asked.

She nodded. "Beating yourself help is just pointless and stupid. If you lived, live. That's all anyone expects of you."

"Well, I've always had high expectations of myself," I shot back. "And I am different from you, in terms of what I have done. The dead alone are not the total of my sin. Altogether it's an impossible debt that my one life cannot repay. That thought alone, I suppose," I sighed, closing my eyes. "Kept me alive."

"Shizuru," Natsuki said. She'd be staring at me. Perhaps with a frightened face, or a disgusted one. I won't look and can't tell.

"Have you ever felt it?" I asked, glancing at her. "Regrets, endless regrets… a life so twisted and wrong you regret even being born, even being… and then, a strange lust for peace. The desire to," I cut myself off abruptly, turning away. My fingernails dug into the skin of my palms. "Such a destructive feeling. If it is you, it isn't just a rhetorical question."

"Yeah," Natsuki said, voice soft and cold. "I've felt it. Absolute despair."

"Probably, me," I remarked evenly. Now that image will also haunt my dreams, where it belongs. I should at least know everything I have done. "Then you'll understand. I didn't do it, though. My fear, and the weight of everyone's expectations, the expectations of the dead, and you. If it is a kind person like you, you might have taken that upon yourself. I did not want to hurt you in that, too."

"Well, you were right in that," Natsuki replied. To her credit, she didn't flinch. That girl has such strength. "You aren't allowed to do anything like that. It doesn't solve anything, and hurts too many people."

"You should just let me talk," I replied evenly.

Natsuki watched me, making no reply.

"So I've struggled, with that weight. Without believing in redemption, uncertain of repentance, oppressed by the knowledge that this is my unchanging self, but I've tried to have faith in something. Anything." My voice was flat, and my eyes focused into an interminable distance. "There's a purity, in water. It washes things clean. That is what I was taught to believe. If you do that in an earnest and sincere way, perhaps your stains can be purged painlessly."

"Do you really believe that?"

"Naturally, no. In my heart. Like everything else, I was just going through the motions and pretence while lying without shame. Worse, in that I was mainly lying to myself this time around. That's the degree to which I have fallen." I coughed again, weakly, but managed to control myself. "More than that, though, I did it because it damaged me. Just self-harm, to gratify my incestuous self-hate. I have become a broken, disgusting person. I don't have any illusions about that."

"I don't get it," Natsuki said, low and tired. "Why? Why are you the one who hates everything? If this world was fair, I'd be the one to do that. So why?"

"I'm sorry to trouble you," I replied, only half ironically.

She bit her lip and glared at me. "Well, I told you, didn't I?" she demanded, her hands closing around my right wrist. I turned my head away, feeling her gaze upon me. "Sick people aren't allowed to talk like that. You can't care about anyone but yourself until you can really smile again, right?"

"Now that's a story that didn't have a happy ending," I murmured.

Natsuki got up, standing at the foot of the bed. "Well, I'll bear it," she snapped. I turned my head again, but her knees buckled, hitting the futon, and her hands grabbed my shoulders, pushing my over. "Your pain, your sadness, your regrets, all your sins… lay them on me, and I'll bear them!" she said hotly, shaking me violently. "You aren't allowed to struggle alone! I'll take it all onto myself, and if ghosts come I'll face them down myself, and if you make yourself so sick with hate you can't move, I'll carry you! So!" I stared fixedly at the wall, doing my best to ignore her. "So…" something hot touched my cheek. "You aren't allowed to… do that…" I stared at her in shock, while Natsuki wiped her eyes with one hand. Her other tightened on my shoulder, hurting me. "I hate it."

She collapsed, burying her face in my chest. "I hate you so much, for this…I don't want it… this pain…"

"Natsuki." I blinked, numbly putting my hands on her neck. "Stop it. You can't cry. If you cry… for me…" My hands moved upwards, lancing her hair. I pushed her head down, trying to muffle the sound. "It's unbearable." Tears welled up in my eyes, and I tried to stop them.

"I'm crying," Natsuki said savagely, pulling her head up again. Her face was close to mine, ravaged and angry and sad. "You know that. I've been crying, all this time, on the inside." Another fell. "All for you. So love me, as I love you! At least understand that feeling of mine!"

I stared up at her for a long moment, my whole body revolting in a storm of conflicting emotions. My hands reached her shoulders, crossing hers. But I didn't know whether to pull her close, or push her away. For at least ten seconds, we just stared into each other's eyes.

And then I let go and closed my eyes. "I'm sorry. I can't do that right now."

Natsuki stood abruptly, walking away. She opened the door, then stopped without looking back. "I'll be waiting for you."

And she was gone, and I was alone with my tears.


	22. Chapter 22

**Windows of the Soul: Part Twenty-Two**

Today's chapter is essentially the "Serane-Kariya" scene. To translate, this is where third parties come in, take the sulky leads, seperate them, and bash their heads against the wall on the behalf of the audience. I enjoy writing these chapters.

* * *

I keep walking.

One foot goes in front of the other. It's a simple process. Like that, you move forwards, step by step. If you were to think about the number of steps you have to take to get where you want to go, you might well quaver inside. But it isn't about that; it's about concentrating on that single step, or something else altogether. Normally, bearing the destination in mind is enough, and my mind can freewheel while I run to get there. That's how a normal person thinks.

But this is a different kind of walking. Like this, I concentrate on every single step, as if it's the only thing in the world. No matter what, no matter how much I have been hurt, no matter how hard life may seem, no matter how much I am I betrayed, I have always, always taken one step after another, and walked forwards. Even if I'll only collapse in the end, that's what I do. Never paralysed, always moving.

Perhaps it's better to stand still, sometimes. You can end up overextended, if you're always rushing ahead. But I still need to stay in motion, that is who I am.

I've always been afraid of what would happen, if I stop, look back, and wonder whether this is the right way to go.

I sighed listlessly, slumping against the wall. Forget it. I didn't need those thoughts, right now. I didn't need to think, right now. I was too overwhelmed. It would be nice, to sleep or to forget, to make something of doing nothing until my mind was clearer and I could look for some answers. Right now, I couldn't see anything but accusations, and they scared me. If I ended up hating her, I wouldn't be able to do anything after all. And if I ended up hating myself, I'd be too like her to be able to do anything after all.

Physician, heal thyself. She said that, once. At that time, she was smiling. Why? I'd said something hypocritical, I think. And I'd pout at her, and make some token complaint, and she'd laugh. She had such a wonderful laugh.

I shouldn't talk to her like that, if I don't know anything myself. And I shouldn't think about her like that, as if she's already dead. She's alive.

Shizuru is alive. Better to start from simple beginnings, and bear those thoughts in mind. There are always worse places to be, even in the middle of a storm.

I pushed off the wall and carried on walking, not really knowing where I was going. A foot in front of another, after all. With that kind of thought, the destination isn't importance, which is just fine when you don't know where you want to go anyway. My expectations and my hopes, my desired outcome, I can't answer those questions more specifically than to say "not now". Not this pain and fear and sorrow I feel right now. I don't want that. And I don't want to see her cruel, sad face and hear those words any more. A foot after another. If I keep walking, will I leave my pain behind? Or are there deeper regrets, in the fact that I've already left her, behind. I don't know. I don't know anything. That's the only thing I know. Only paradox can express this feeling, an incomprehensible world. I'm just a girl. What does anyone expect me to do?

A step after another. That is the world's expectation. I'll at least do that.

As a soldier, I know something else, as well. If you stop moving, it's so very hard to start again. That's why, even if I just want to stop, I know I must keep on doing this. I must dash my thoughts on rocks.

"Ara. Natsuki-chan. And with a sad face, as well."

I looked up, eyes wide with shock. But it was just Saaya. The world makes a little more sense than that. And Shizuru is more familiar. I nodded and kept walking.

"I'll go on ahead," Viola said, slipping her hands into her sleeves.

"Of course," Saaya remarked, turning and smiling at me. "I'll take care of everything here."

I lowered my head and tried to pass her without a word, but she put a hand on my shoulder, stopping me. "What?"

"We aren't allowed to let people go around with eyes like that, you know," Saaya replied amicably. "So I'll borrow you, for a little while. I'm sure you can forgive me if you struggle."

"You need to look after Viola," I replied dully, looking past her. I should probably have added an honorific to that, but I was so tired.

"She isn't so hopeless that she'll let me or anyone else think that I have to be with her every minute of every day," Saaya remarked, releasing my shoulder. "Besides, this is consideration for her, as well. She can't concentrate on her work, not when Shizuru-chan is in this condition."

"I'm not so hopeless that I need you or anyone else to look after me," I replied, trying to sound cold. But right now, it was really hard to care.

"Of course. That's why I intend to complain, you know." Saaya folded her arms and cocked her head. "Shizuru-chan's been very bad for Viola's nerves recently. You really should take better care of her, so that doesn't happen, right?"

I bit my lip and turned my head away. "Shut up. What the hell do you know?"

Saaya sighed, glancing at me. "Well, I know how hard it is to take of a Fujino. Does that count for anything?" She grabbed my wrist before I could answer, and started to walk. "Come on. I'll get you some tea, at least. I don't like to see pretty girls crying."

"I'm not crying," I replied somewhat stupidly.

"You're not crying with your eyes, certainly," Saaya replied evenly. "Though you have been doing that, as well. It doesn't suit you."

"Shut up."

"You'll have to do better than that if you want to stop me. I've dealt with thrown objects in my time."

"Is that an invitation?" I asked sulkily, still dragged along.

She smirked at me. "No. Just a warning. But on the whole, I prefer tea. Not as a projectile, but as a drink."

"You really are tempting me…"

But she ended up dragging me into the living room all the same. "Now sit there and wait like a good girl," she remarked, raising a finger. "I'll be right back."

"Whatever," I muttered, for the sake of form. But I didn't move from the table, all the same. Resisting just seemed like more trouble than it was worth.

I've experienced this feeling a few times before. About half of them were after the end of a big, no-holds barred battle. Against Searrs. After the Carnival was over. Once you've charged into the dragon's mouth, lashed out, and let the adrenaline pour off you after it's collapsed, all that pain and fear and exhaustion comes back with interest and cripples you, until you can't move. You don't see any reason to move. That's how tired a battle can make a person. For a little while, you'd think you'd joined the other dead after all. But this is worse than that. That is a clean feeling, if nothing else. Guilt may fester for the dead but they were trying to kill you, there's no other way, no apology. If you're tired, rest. And you will be well.

This is different. I've felt this way as well, before, but this is as bad as any of those times in its own special way. It's altogether about emotions, and the pain they call you. Internalised, tangled up, and confused, those wounds don't heal easily or cleanly, and there's no clarity. There are things, which should be said. There are apologies. To prevent the recent past from repeating itself, you need to reach a new future, one far more complicated than simply killing anyone who gets in your way.

Internal bleeding of the soul, or something. Very untidy feelings, all twisted up inside, throttling me slowly. I tried to collect myself. I couldn't afford to cry here.

"Here you go, if you please," Saaya remarked, putting a mug of green tea in front of me. She sat opposite me, holding her own cup. "Thanks for waiting."

"No, thank you," I replied absently, picking it up and drinking. It was probably good; I didn't really taste it, though. I'm just assuming that.

"You still have a very serious face," Saaya noted, sitting her own tea and looking thoughtfully at me. "Well, that's fine, I suppose. At least you aren't a feckless person. Only someone who has important and valuable things in mind can look like that."

"That's got nothing to do with my face," I said tiredly, watching her.

"You forget who I am. I'm expected to have very good eyes, as I see for two. I'm just saying what I see in you." Saaya raised her eyebrows. "Am I wrong?"

"You're taking a lucky guess," I replied, rubbing my forehead. "Just saying something like that doesn't mean anything."

"Then I am right, after all. I'm glad." She looked into my eyes. "How is Shizuru-chan?"

I closed my eyes, trying not to give anything. "Tired and sick. Nothing you wouldn't expect, under the circumstances."

"Viola really is worried. Well, I am worried, as well. It isn't easy, to see someone important to you sick."

"She'll live," I said, trying my best to sound callous. "Besides, Shizuru doesn't want to worry anyone. Hearing that would just upset her."

"And isn't that very upsetting in itself? And worrying, as well. But I have a question for you." Saaya smiled slightly. "If I'm worrying about this, not for Shizuru-chan, but even more because it's making Viola worry, does that make me a bad person?"

I blinked, a little taken aback. "Well, I don't know."

"I wonder about that. I used to know Shizuru-chan very well, but that was quite some time ago. It isn't easy." Saaya shrugged. "Of course, for Viola herself, her motherly instinct has only been strengthened by that distance. And for my part, as well, I do look upon Shizuru-chan as a daughter, and share those emotions. So I tell a lie, in part. For her sake, as well, I worry. But only insofar as my selfish carings let me do so. I can't care for everyone."

"Well, that's certainly true," I said, wondering where she was going with all that.

"But if someone is sad and in front of me, I can't just do nothing. And all the same, Shizuru-chan is a daughter and a teenage girl. She isn't someone we can protect from everything in this world any more." Saaya sipped her tea again, watching me closely. "There's always that gap between generations. Independent adults take responsibility for their own lives, but it takes longer for the parents to get used to that. I can't expect to hear or understand everything troubling Shizuru-chan. Not even Viola has that right." She closed her eyes. "But it worries me, all the same."

I tried to follow that, painfully reminded as I was of Shizuru's own complexities. "If it's her, though… she doesn't really trust anyone with her troubles…"

"That's Shizuru-chan's way of dealing with things. She has always tried very hard not to worry Viola." Saaya glanced at me neutrally. "As Shizuru-san's friend in that position, you should understand how counter-productive those thoughts are."

This time I got it, and looked away. "Well, she says what she says, but really, it's a selfish motive as well, isn't it? She's trying to protect herself."

"That's right, of course," Saaya agreed. "If you can't trust others, or yourself, you will act in that way. It is a natural defence, and I won't begrudge anyone that. But I think they should understand when we worry, as well. That is also a natural reaction. It isn't her fault, either, but how things should be."

"I guess so." I tried to think of something to say. "But I wish you weren't so… reasonable about it. I wouldn't mind having someone to blame."

"Even if you have someone like that, it doesn't always help," Saaya remarked. "You should drink your tea, though. It does help with nerves."

I did so, keeping my mind and my face blank. If it gave me something else to think about, at least, I could tolerate this.

"But you're pretty unlucky, to have Shizuru-chan be ill so abruptly," Saaya said. "It can't be easy for you, in this large and strange house."

"Everyone's made me feel welcome," I replied.

"Platitudes aren't necessary, when I'm a mere servant." Saaya smiled. "I appreciate the words, though."

"Well, talking to you is like talking to Viola-san, isn't it?" I pointed out cautiously.

Saaya blinked slowly. "You're pretty bold to say that, but fairly accurate as well. I take it that's an admission that what you said was a platitude, though?"

"No, damnit. Don't twist my words."

"Well, it isn't important," Saaya noted. She paused for a moment, rubbing her neck gently, then frowned. "But there is one person who hasn't made you very welcome, don't you think?"

I frowned slightly. "I don't know about that."

"Ah. You're a surprisingly prudent girl, at times." Saaya glanced at me, eyes unreadable. "Do you want to know a secret, Natsuki-chan?"

I blinked, now completely off-balance. Well, my mind wasn't in its best shape anyway. "A secret?"

"A secret, something not even Shizuru-chan knows. This would be before her time." Saaya frowned. "Well?"

I tried to think. "I wouldn't want to pry-"

"Prudent and dishonest. Well, that's also commendable." Saaya smiled abruptly. "When I first met Viola, we were both nineteen. Not too much older than you and Shizuru-chan. But please don't use that as a basis for speculating about our ages."

"I see…"

"You've heard a little about Viola's father, right? Leonard-sama?"

I nodded.

"He was a good person. But not, at that time, head of the family, a title that went to his own father." Saaya's eyes were inscrutable. "I owe a lot to that man, insofar as he sent Viola here. I was a present, of a kind, from Shinri-sama to Viola. A wedding present, naturally."

I blinked. "She married very young."

"She was told to do so. She didn't much like Shinri, or me, or anyone." Saaya's gaze abruptly wandered. "All her life, Viola was doubly looked down on. As a woman, and as an albino. She considered herself defective, and felt strangled by a world that never took her talents seriously. The contempt of some of her relatives, the powerlessness of her father, her current situation… and Shinri-sama did not enjoy the position he does now, either. Without fondness for life and without respect for herself..." Saaya glanced sidelong at me. "It would be fair to say that Viola at that time was in a very dangerous place, and suffering very much."

I fought to keep my face impassive. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Why, I wonder?" Saaya mused, sounding like she knew exactly why. "Well, when you grow old you like to tell stories. I also get the feeling that you might understand this story. But I'm guessing, again."

My hands gripped my knees tightly. "What did you do?"

"What did I do? At first, sulk. I didn't relish that position." Saaya smiled wanly and folded her hands together. "We were both young and insufferable."

I said nothing, waiting patiently.

"But, as I said, I can't just do nothing, if I see someone in pain. Slowly, I saw Viola as she was, and after a certain time, even though it hurt me, I did what I could for her. What I didn't notice until it was too late was that she was doing things for me, as well, where she could. People are like that. We're connected." Saaya smiled at me. "And she's always remembered that, which I am grateful for. Viola is an amazing person, so being by her side always is not just a job for me. I have made it my life, and I consider that a better than fair trade. Does that make me mad?"

"Probably… that's just human," I replied, looking away awkwardly.

"Polite. But you may not be wrong, for that. However, there's one person who, just like me, believed in Viola in that way, and struggled for her. A complex web of gratitude and memories is what was left behind." Saaya chuckled. "Because people grow sentimental as they grow older, as well. At the very least, I do. You didn't come here to listen to my strange, whimsical recollections."

"It's fine," I replied. "It's interesting for me."

"But I remember rather well what I said to her, at that time," Saaya said, eyes focusing on me again. "You aren't origami, to be folded into shape by people. You can be the person you want to be without apologising for that, and no one is going to stop you. But if you try and do that alone, it's just too sad, as well." She stood gracefully. "Well, I thought it sounded good at the time. But who people are is never quite who they want to be."

I stood hastily, nodding. "I think I can understand what you mean by that."

"Really? Good." Saaya smirked. "I know I can't. But I've bothered you enough, and Viola is waiting." She started to walk towards the door. "Please give my regards to Hideko-chan, and thank her for taking care of Shizuru-chan."

"I will," I replied. I paused and took a breath. "Thank you."

Saaya stopped for a moment. "You're welcome. I'm glad you can enjoy tea."

I sighed, rubbing my forehead as she stepped outside. I still think she's crazy. But perhaps I should say 'crazy smart', as well. It feels like only grandmasters could even survive this household. Or is the trick just to say things in an obscure way? That can't take much intelligence, after all.

But it isn't very often that I get to say that honestly in these moments. I think I understand what you mean by that. And even rarer, when there's an actual meaning to it.

* * *

"Here, ojou-sama." Hideko put a cup of my favourite green tea in front of me, bowing her head slightly. "If you please."

"Thank you," I replied quietly, taking the cup and sipping it quietly.

Hideko bowed her head and retreated, remaining at the edge of the room. She just watched me, and I ignored her. I didn't really have the mental strength to do anything, after all.

It was a very nostalgic flavour. This was what I drank in the student council room, where I sat and allowed myself to pretend that I still had control over my own life. And elsewhere as well, of course. I like tea. It became part of my character, after a while. Is that true to me, or part of the fictional Kaichou-sama? I wonder.

"If there is anything else I can do to help, Ojou-sama, please tell me," Hideko said earnestly.

"No. Just this, is fine," I replied. Sharp green eyes, staring down at me with such an earnest expression.

Hideko nodded slightly, contained. The proper manner for a proper person.

Conflicted feelings and conflicted words. Everything she said, and everything I said, were a bile in my throat to recollect. Always, always, closer to the brink of something I did not want to contemplate. I closed my own eyes, blocking those feelings out, and trying to block out the feeling of her staring at me in this place.

"I hope Kuga-san was of some help to you," Hideko said quietly. "She certainly seems a kind girl."

I looked sidelong at Hideko, keeping my face wooden. I did not need, in this moment, to be reminded of that. "Too kind," I replied shortly. "She will catch whatever it is that I have. You, too, come to that."

"I will take my chance with that, as I am sure Kuga-san did in her turn," Hideko replied quietly.

"A very careless attitude." I rubbed my forehead tiredly. It still ached. Sleeping again mightn't be such a bad idea, but I don't like to sleep too much. There's a certain laziness in doing that, and I dream.

"It is a calculated risk. If you are to remain awake…" Hideko frowned, looking uncertain, before plunging ahead. "It wouldn't be acceptable just to leave you be, alone in this room."

I sighed briefly. Her proper manner isn't so proper and reliable after all. I should probably rebuke her, but I'm too tired and too sick with myself to be haughty. "If that's how you feel, I'll leave it be. Please don't expect especial consideration when you join me in this rather unpleasant experience."

"That would be taken as read," Hideko retorted, sounding slightly offended.

"Then please maintain a considerate silence, as well," I replied, too tired to find my manners. "My mind is crammed with thoughts and aches."

"As you wish."

I drank my tea in silence, finally setting it aside and starting on the breakfast that had been brought to me. I wasn't hungry, and felt no desire to eat. But Hideko was watching, and I could still cling to important principles, like the fact that you need food to live. Even so, I tasted nothing, and had to force down the plain rice and everything else. My mind was swimming without much regard in or pleasure for such simple things. Or, rather, you could say that the instinct to eat was as distant as one could be from the very human complexities I was worrying about. Of course, fundamental instincts also had their part in this torment. The will to reproduce, perverted, and the will to survive. I have a great and small distance from such basic things. I suppose that suits my conflicted maze of pretence and reality.

"So you are awake again, after all, Shizuru." Okasama stepped through and sat down where Natsuki had been without a word, leaving Hideko to close the door behind her. "You're always stubborn. But I am glad you can eat, at least."

"Ara, Ara," I remarked, biting my lip and trying to control my face. "I do get more attention like this than ever before. Don't you have work?"

"That isn't something you should be worrying about. I haven't become so careless in my old age that I need a sick teenager to tell me what to do," Okasama remarked, folding her arms and smiling slightly at me. Her pinkish eyes focused on my face. "Not yet, anyway. Give me a few years."

"My apologies. That was not my intention," I replied automatically. I put my bowl down, lacing my fingers together. If it was Okasama, I couldn't just tell her to be quiet. With a conscious effort, perhaps, I could reassure her and so dismiss her. That would not be easy, as I'm becoming rapidly aware of the fact that I'm approaching my limit. Physically, and mentally as well, I've already hurt myself. That will only get worse with time. "Is Saaya not with you?" I asked, glancing at her. "That is very unusual."

"She's not very reliable. She darted off to play mother to an upset girl."

I blinked, trying not to stare. "Oh?" I asked, voice wavering slightly. "One of the other servants?"

Okasama chuckled, an inappropriate sound from her serious face. "Kuga-san was looking very sad, I'm told. Well, her breathing wasn't regular. I myself know that much. But you knew that already, right?"

"I don't intend to answer that," I retorted, a little more defensively than I had hoped. But I really couldn't deal with this, not in this situation. Tired and sick in head and heart and body. Okasama isn't someone I can brush off, nor is she someone I can fool without a clear and focused mind. In other words, this was an unlucky scenario. I'd rather take my luck with Tou-sama or anyone else, than this. But those aren't things I can say to her.

"Ara. Am I bullying a sick girl? That wasn't my intention." Okasama smiled. "Well, what is between you two has nothing to do with me. I just hope you're being reasonable, as she is a good and earnest girl."

I scowled, turning my head away to conceal my expression. Would people stop saying that to me? It's hard to stop myself from screaming 'I know, already' in recollection of her awkward, clumsy good intentions. I'm not such a healthy person that I can find that part of her all good, and nothing to trouble me.

"Well, you know her better than I do." Okasama reached out, touching my forehead. "You're feverish, as I thought. Hopefully, good food and lots of sleep should make you better. But it certainly worries me."

I gratefully seized on this. "You're right, of course," I said. "If it's okay with you, okasama, I want to rest a little more. I've eaten a little now."

She took her hand away. "Of course. Go ahead."

I lay back again and drew the covers around my body, glad of the escape. And closing my eyes wasn't unwelcome, either. Even sitting up tired me out.

"But you haven't been looking after yourself. Honestly." Okasama's voice was soft. "Performing misogi in the middle of the night. It isn't surprising, that you'd end up like this."

If I'd been in a better state, perhaps, I could have taken that. As it was I was half of the way up again, eyes wide open, before I checked myself. And after that I could hardly deny it. "How long have you known?" I asked quietly.

"That's a secret I'll keep, until a strange day when I know all of yours," Okasama said. "Details aren't important. But I raised you to be a faithful girl, Shizuru, not to hurt yourself. Naturally I've been worried."

"I'm sorry," I replied automatically.

"Setting that aside, did you really think I wouldn't know?" Okasama smiled weakly. "That would be a little naïve of you."

"Well, it wasn't something I wanted to talk about," I said heavily. Hideko, of course. If it was when we returned here, yesterday. If it had been by letter or phone, a lot earlier than that. Perhaps another reason for okasama's many calls.

"I'm a little disappointed you didn't say anything. Nothing makes me more angry than that simple fact." Okasama sighed. "But the weight of this conversation can be deferred until you are in better health. After all, upsetting you as you are now would just worry me. So I'll-"

I collapsed forwards, hugging Okasama tightly. "I'm sorry."

"Shizuru?"

Brittle as I am, I'll break from more kindness. I was already crying. "I'm sorry," I repeated brokenly, burying my head in her shoulder. I half-coughed, half-sobbed, shuddering as I clutched her kimono. I was a hopeless child.

"Now, then," Okasama said gently, hugging me back and stroking my hair. "It's okay. You don't have to force yourself any more."

"I've been worrying you… Hideko… everyone…" I murmured. "And Natsuki… I've been so horrible to Natsuki…"

"That's fine. You don't have to worry about anything, right now. Everything comes after." And she cradled me, as you would a baby or a doll, and I remained like that, holding her tightly and crying hysterically. It was strange, that the tears wouldn't stop. But I wasn't just crying for any single thing, or the emotions of this moment. So many hard weeks, months, years, without this kind of release… there was so much to be purged, in the warmth of my mother's arms. That made me helpless, and comfortless, as she surrounded me with her quiet strength. She was still thin, and her body was still weak, but that didn't change the fact that I felt safe in her arms, and small in her presence.

"Honestly, you're such a stubborn child," Okasama whispered as my tears began to slow. Half-affectionate, half-sad. "Don't you remember what I taught you about tears?"

"Not really," I replied quietly. I still held on for a moment, trying to gather a little of myself from so many shattered pieces.

"Crying is the vomit of the soul," she said axiomatically. "Everyone feels better after they've thrown up."

I snorted violently, pulling my head away slightly and putting my weight on her shoulders. "I don't want to have the unsightly nature of this brought home any more than it already is…"

"Well, people shouldn't apologise for throwing up either, provided it's in a bathroom," Okasama said lightly. "And this is a similar situation."

She offered me her handkerchief as I pulled away, and I used it to wipe my eyes. "I'm sorry for everything."

"I'll accept that apology, so don't keep such a sad expression," Okasama said. "That's unforgivable in itself."

I closed my eyes and took a breath. "Thank you." I glanced at her. "And while we're on the subject, please don't speak of this ever again. Especially not to Natsuki. Not a word."

Okasama sighed, rubbing my forehead. "Didn't this conversation begin with the various things you were hiding from people?"

"What? Just because I've thrown up, that doesn't mean I've learned anything," I said, half-seriously. "But in any case… this time, I'll try to say things in my own time."

"I'll use my best judgement without promises, which is still currently to let you two work things out for yourselves," Okasama said kindly. "In the first instance, I don't know that situation at all. Is it anything I can help you with?"

I turned away. "That's still something I have to keep to myself. I'm sorry, for being a person who keeps so many secrets, but…"

"That's fine. I still trust you." Okasama laughed. "Though that may well make me a foolish person, after all."

I closed my eyes, collecting myself. "Thank you."

"Do you know anything, Saaya?" Okasama asked, glancing over her shoulder.

"Not really. We have two stubborn and troubling girls on our hands." Saaya leaned against the wall, and waved lazily at me when I stared at her. "Rest easy, I came late. Natsuki-chan isn't doing badly, either. Well enough for me to leave her, certainly."

And Hideko had seen everything, of course. How humiliating. She looked a little pale. I discreetly checked the room to make sure Natsuki wasn't hiding somewhere, which would complete my day.

"Just don't do anything reckless again, and we can forget all about this," Okasama said reproachfully. "You may have played on my sympathy, but I haven't forgiven you quite yet."

"I'll rest well enough regardless," I said recklessly. It was strange, but I didn't mind to be hugged by Okasama. To accept Natsuki's embrace so easily… no, it would be better for her if she had no reason to offer her. I know that. I need to be stronger, much stronger, so I can always smile for her.

But sometimes it is strong to be weak, for a little while. I'll bear that in mind.


	23. Chapter 23

**Windows of the Soul: Part Twenty-Three**

After those five long minutes of spontenous action, Shizuru gets back to some nice, hard thinking. What do you mean, that's all she does? Be fair to me. She also sleeps from time to time.

* * *

I lie back in my futon. Lying. It's a strange association of words, really. As if they're alike, both the path of least resistance. Well, sometimes that's true, and sometimes it is not. I can never really tell, myself, whether the twisted and unhappy thoughts I feel are better or worse than the consequences of truth. But the idea that truth might be even worse has certainly always scared me. However far back I care to look, I have always been weaving a distorted world.

I know where it starts, of course. With everything, which is with her. Everything before than was not so hard, and something I could easily deal with. Lying to people you don't overly care about isn't hard, and there have always been so few people that I've actually valued in my world. So, those smiles and kind words, bred into me, came easily and didn't trouble me. Whether that's an ill nature or not, I don't know or care. I can accept that much insincerity, when there is so much worse in this world. But with her, everything was altogether different. Well, no one would hold the simple things against me. Twisting words into excuses, and finding reasons for us to be in the same place at the same time. That's normal, right? That's just what friends do. But isn't that like saying that killing in self-defence is the same as murder? There's always a matter of motives, as well, and that's less clear and less clean. When was the critical point, when I stopped seeing her in a platonic way and started moving, unknowingly, to the beat of my twisted love? I don't know. I'm not someone so smart and so skilled that I can find the invisible threat that separates the deepest friendship from something altogether more sinister. But that was- is- the nature of my regard for her, after a certain point. And that means I can't relish even the small things, to some degree.

Simple things became complex ones, and sooner or later my lies took root and grew steadily. I suppose that's a natural consequence, but even without my naivete, if I'd said something when I'd realised, or expressed my reasons for everything more clearly, the outcome might have been different. Cleaner, at least. Like cutting off a poisoned limb before it infests your whole body. However, when I chose not to do so, out of cowardice and misguided good intentions, I put down those small seeds that flourished slowly. Our relationship from that point onwards was founded in a lie from the start. As she grew to know me a little better, I'd have to lie a little more, and as my own feelings and actions changed more and more, I'd have to lie a little more, and as circumstances gradually pushed us closer to each other, I'd have to lie a little more. The more we went through the motions of drawing closer to each other, the more I realised that she didn't know me at all, and the further away I felt from her. By the time it came to it, drawing a weapon from stone and saying a few things and taking such a power upon me, hiding such a small thing from her was simple. The lies I'd already woven into a fine, fake tapestry certainly dwarfed any drakelike monster in all her heat and all her glory.

I understand it, how much damage those lies did. I don't think I ever took my sins lightly enough to laugh at it, except in a kind of wry despair, but it's only after the fact that you can truly appreciate it. My feelings, while wrong, were just an excuse. And everything I did are only equal to this, the fact that I lied so much and so often, until she was walking blindly through a situation I understood with grim absolutes, but she did not, though she thought she did. We've been struggling with that ever since. I certainly showed my true self rather clearly to her. In a twisted way, perhaps I should be grateful. If nothing had happened, I am sure that I'd continue as I did, lying and lying, parting from her as just friends with her none the wiser. Would that really be okay, to let her continue in that illusion for as long as she bothered to remember me? I don't know. Oh, she'd probably be a little less wise, and a whole lot happier. But is that everything in this world? It wouldn't be the truth, and that's important. I think only a liar can truly appreciate the value of the truth. But if I think about her being made happy by such a thing, aren't I saying that I was right to lie all along? Perhaps my only sin was to be caught. Somehow, after all this time, I can't believe in that perspective any more. I can lie, but I can't just will myself into change. My true nature remains. Perhaps it is for me, not for her, that I should have told the truth, even though we would both have been hurt. Losing an arm is better than dying slowly.

I lie in bed and think of lying. This is that kind of strange situation. But I don't think that it is a bad thing, either. I can see a little more clearly now, and think a little more easily now, than I could before. I should relish that, and use it while I can, but I can't bring myself to think in such a surgical way. Everything around me is too bizarre and melancholy and human, the best and the worst, to be subject to the scalpels of the mind.

Ostensibly, I am reading a book. But Hideko can probably see that I'm not turning the pages at all. I guess that is fine. She's seen me fall about as far as I can go, without her witnessing those dark scenes, so why should I bother with pretence now? Let her think what she likes. That feeling is strange and dangerous, a very liberating frame of mind. But tomorrow, I will be myself again. I know my true self, and it doesn't have anything to do with being honest and open, after all.

For form's sake, I read a page and then turned over. What was I reading again? Something about a rat?

I sipped a glass of water, and put it down. Hideko leaned forwards slightly, picking up the jug she'd brought in and refilling it silently. And she sat back, and did nothing again.

"Isn't there something you want to talk about?" I asked, rolling over and closing the book. It was getting rather painful to hold it up, so resting my arm wasn't a bad idea.

"Not really," Hideko replied. "You should rest as much as possible, ojou-sama."

"Well, it makes me uneasy," I replied, frowning slightly. And objectively, we both know that makes no sense. Whatever she's doing on any given day, it's all for me, and waiting for me. This is no different, so why should I worry about it? You'd think I'd been myself for long enough to grow used to this. So I left that thought as it was, before she could say anything. Not that she'd need to say anything, after all. "You told okasama about that, didn't you?" I asked.

Hideko glanced at me for a moment, and then nodded. "That's right."

I considered for a moment, and then shrugged slightly. "Well, that's fine, after all."

"Thank you for your mercy. I'm sorry to trouble you, but I felt that I had no other choice under the circumstances."

"That wasn't a wrong decision," I replied softly, turning over and trying to rest my shoulders. "So there isn't any reason to apologise or thank me."

"Regardless of the circumstances, I still went behind your back. And that in itself is because of my own shortcomings." Hideko sounded mournful. "I wasn't able to do anything but that for you, ojou-sama."

I suppose I'm just being shortsighted and immature, if I think I'm the only one who regrets my own actions. "I wouldn't say that," I replied quietly. "People by volcanoes dig channels, rather than trying to stop the explosion. I won't apologise for what I did at that time, and what you allowed me to do, either, because it may well have been the right thing to do as well."

"I hope that is true."

"What you did with Okasama was the same. Good things… and bad things… aren't simple things." I closed my eyes, taking a breath. "In any case, you aren't allowed to have any regrets. If you have anything to be sorrowful for, I would certainly have to drown in my own misery. So, in the interests of not killing me, please think no more of such things."

"As you say, Ojou-sama." Whether she took any comfort from those words, I'm not sure. I doubt it.

Is this just form? Am I reading too much into things? I'm not sure. Whether this is part of her job or not, I can't say I enjoy it. I worry too many people as things stand, without anyone growing concerned when they don't have to.

In other news, my feet hurt. Well, everything hurts. But my feet currently have the floor. Natsuki is right, in that I probably should be concentrating on myself and my plight above anything else. But even now, or especially now, I'm very aware of other people. It gives me something else to think about. "May I ask something personal, Hideko?" I asked, rolling over again and glancing at her warily.

"Of course. Please do so."

So she says. It really is impossible to tell her professional voice from her personal voice. "What do you intend to do, in future?"

"Am I being dismissed?" she asked, smiling a little. Perhaps that was a joke.

"Not at all," I replied, closing my eyes briefly and rubbing up aching forehead with a finger and thumb. "As I stand, I'm not sure whether I could survive without you. I'm just curious and discourteous right now."

"Well, I don't have firm intentions. Things, as they stand, seem good enough for me."

"Is that right?" I asked curiously.

"That's right." Hideko glanced down at me, with the same amused look on her face. "Whoever I married or however hard I worked, I would never live in a house this big, regardless. So why bother?"

I think that was also a joke, so I smiled. "You have a point. Well, I'm glad for that." And perhaps that is, indeed, why she said it. You wouldn't tell your boss that you intended to fly off very soon, after all.

"How about you, Ojou-sama?" Hideko asked.

"What?" I asked lightly. "You know, don't you? Kyoto University, and then into father's company in provisional terms. Fairly straight-forwards, all told." My face twitched slightly. "Well, I'll be getting married at some point, as well." I was not looking forwards to that, after all. I hadn't even tried to explain it to Natsuki. But surely she shouldn't mind anyway?

She might well say something about how I shouldn't deny my true self, or something. She can have surprisingly romantic ideas at times.

"Of course. But I was curious about what you wanted to do in the future, Ojou-sama," Hideko said neutrally.

I smiled slightly, closing my eyes and accepting the rebuke. "Let me see… on that, I am less certain, I'm afraid. Something which makes me a little hypocritical for asking you the same question."

"Not at all. Even if it is you, Ojou-sama, it is good for someone of your age to remain open-minded. That isn't a problem."

"Do you think?" I asked, rolling onto my back. My right shoulder was hurting. "There's one thing I want to do, though. I do want to be the kind of person my parents can be proud of."

"An admirable resolve, Ojou-sama."

"I wonder, is it possible for me to do that while remaining myself?" I mused aloud.

Hideko didn't reply, which was the right thing to do. I was talking to myself, after all.

Before I met Natsuki, I was probably someone who could do that without any difficulties or regrets. She changed everything, and now I'm acutely aware of my own inconsistencies within that image I try so hard to create. I don't like men, for a start. Nothing personal about it, but certainly… a problem. It was her who made me first see so clearly, exactly what I preferred seeing. Which was her, and other girls after. If I had never met her in that flower garden, my life would have been very different. Better, or worse? Or would I have met her anyway, in some other circumstance, with the same effects? With myself as I was and herself as she was, within the same environment, it's a matter for probability more than fate. So was that curiosity she first roused in me arbitrary or inevitable? I don't know, really. And then there's the simple fact that I'm probably blaming her for too much, and projecting too much of my own discontent onto the fact I met her. I am a lesbian. That more or less exists independently of Natsuki, and I would surely have realised the truth sooner or later, after I ran out of excuses. I'm not stupid.

I can't afford to hate myself, as that would make her sad. But to this day I can't conceive ever being proud of what I am, when it has caused the one I love so much pain and dogs my own aspirations. Am I bad person, for feeling that way? Surely, after being dealt so many aces by the chance of life, I should accept this much. Or would it be a flawed way of thinking, to even see it as a bad thing? I find that hard to conceive, with my family, my circumstance, and this world. At least now I can think more clearly about these things, in the light of day, rather than suffocating them inside my chest. Perhaps Natsuki is right, and I should accept my unchanging self as it is. I do that already, at least in part. But what we mean by those words is different, and I still live to mitigate that nature of mine. What else can I do?

It's a little embarrassing, really, that Kaichou-sama should be so troubled over something this simple and ordinary. My aura was consciously that of someone altogether beyond sexual confusion. But a fake is a fake, after all.

And now my head aches, again. My thoughts chase their own tails and I'm sickened in body and heart. I am definitely being punished. At least I easily know what I am being punished for, and don't have to scream at the heavens in protest for unfair treatment.

Sulk, sulk. You aren't a strong person, Shizuru, runs another thought of mine. I ignore it.

"Ojou-sama, lunch will be in twenty minutes time," Hideko said politely. "Shall I arrange for it to be brought to this room?"

"So it's that time, already?" I said vaguely, breathing heavily. The hours had been stretched out rather taut, in point of fact, but I'd lost my ability to relate that passage to outside events. Save that Natsuki hadn't been here for quite some time.

"Yes, Ojou-sama. If you recall, Viola-sama eats a little later than you would at school. It is about around one-thirty."

"I remember." I am going to blame the fact that I haven't been home, and living to the rhythm of home, for quite some time. That allows me to preserve more internal dignity than just saying I'm so sick I can't follow time at all. I pushed myself up, and abruptly started to cough again.

"Be careful, Ojou-sama," Hideko warned, offering me a handkerchief. "You should rest here, after all."

"Yes, I think that's a sign from heaven," I replied loosely, in between coughs. Once I'd finished, I collapsed into bed again, my lungs and stomach still aching. "Very well. Please bring lunch here, whenever that is convenient. And eat here yourself, if you can."

"As you wish, Ojou-sama." She bowed her head slightly, then stood and left silently.

Even if it her order to me, she makes it my command to her. That is another way in which she is a professional. To someone like me who makes such a habit of word games, something this simple is child's play, after all.

I rested my head again, daring to close my eyes a little. What was Natsuki doing? Wandering around somewhere? Hopefully someone would tell her when lunch was. She'd been assigned one of our maids, if I recalled correctly, but my hazy memories of that spoke enough of the hazy state in which all such things had been interrupted. Perhaps I could send Hideko when she returned, but most likely there would be no reason for that. They were the servants of my parents. I can't imagine that they'd ever make such a basic mistake, after all. And as I've been taught so often, you always trust, implicitly, that they will do what they are expected to do without there being any need for words. Our constructed pretension is that if we merely be, circumstances will arrange themselves around us. For much of my life, that's been true, and not just true of servants.

Perhaps Natsuki would eat with me.

That was a wishful fantasy that spoke volumes of my personal arrogance. After everything, it will probably be a little while before she'll bear facing me again, and I can't blame her for that. Nor can I go to see her myself, when I am in this state. Waiting, I must lie here. I propped myself up on one elbow and reached for the water. That's another nostalgic thing. In that room, for so many hours, I was always waiting. Sometimes going through the motions of work, and sometimes not. Always hoping that she might happen by, because she needed information or simply because she could, that was my dream. I'd always smile at her, and I always tried to sound that I was glad enough to have her interrupt the important business I'd been doing before she arrived. Her apologetic face was cute, after all. Right now, I am in the same position as in that time. Just waiting. Only this time, I can't for the life of me imagine why she'd want to come before me. I have little enough to offer her, any more, and no excuses.

If she came, I could apologise, at least. I just don't know how far my feelings of regret are worth anything, though. She knows that I regret, but that alone won't change our future, or our past.

I threw myself into my book again, stifling all thought. Hideko returned after a while, carrying our lunches. Yudofu, a speciality of ours. "Thank you," I murmured, sitting up and taking my bowl.

"You are always welcome," Hideko returned.

I fished a lump of tofu out of the soup, chewing delicately and swallowing. "Natsuki will be very upset," I said quietly. "I doubt even she can eat this with mayonnaise."

"I doubt that will trouble her too much. Higuchi-san has excelled himself again, wouldn't you say?"

"Hmm. Perhaps," I remarked, picking out a piece of kombu. "I'm afraid I can't taste much of anything very well right now."

"Of course. I am very sorry about that." Hideko frowned at me. "Saaya-san told me that the doctor should be here by two at the latest."

"What? That soon?" I asked, searching for the familiar savoury taste of the seaweed. Without much luck. "There isn't any such urgency in the first place. Okasama should be less sensitive."

"As Viola-sama says, it may be better to be overcautious than to err and see you suffer for it," Hideko said reasonably.

"I suppose so. But just the idea of seeing a doctor isn't one that makes me feel I'll get better any time soon," I remarked casually.

While there's a little truth in that, the reality of my apprehensions are naturally more specific. If he probes the reasons behind my condition, I doubt that those around me can help but answer. And I dread explaining my night-time habits to a medical man. Well, if I was careful and no one contradicted me, I could pass it off as youthful, misguided religious fanaticism. If they probed deeper or were told more, or if Okasama took the chance, I might well be referred to a psychologist of some description. If it's my family and the money they pay for preferential treatment, there's certainly no doubt that it would be profitable for any such friends our doctor may have. And naturally I don't want it to come to that. Perhaps I could plea bargain with Tou-sama when he gets home, I doubt he would appreciate such an admission of weakness from me…

And so on. Eating slowly, without tasting much. Waiting without expectation. Whittling away time with dull thoughts. Wondering and worrying and struggling, struggling, to cling to my resolve of acting with a clearer head and better intentions than before. I've certainly picked up rather mediocre habits, these past few days. It's a little saddening. But it's probably fine, in its own way. Unluckily enough, I'd finished eating and was lying back again when she came in.

"Yo."

It's funny how small, awkward greetings can make my emotions twist so strangely. I pushed myself up, smiling despite myself at the sight of her, standing a little awkwardly in the doorway. "Good afternoon."

"It's too bad you couldn't make it to lunch," Natsuki remarked awkwardly. "So you've eaten, at least?"

"A little," I said. And now I was a little apprehensive, as well, remembering everything that had gone before. But I wasn't going to mind something like that. "If you're here for your biology textbook, it's here where you left it. If it's just going to get that, you can probably avoid infection."

"Idiot," Natsuki said, glaring at me. "Besides, you should know your own totalitarian regime. I'm supposed to be doing English right now."

"I see." I smiled happily. "Are you?"

"Not at all. Can I come in, already?"

"Of course. You don't have to ask, you know." I glanced at her, chuckling. "Aren't you always the one who reminds me that I'm not your superior?"

"That's different from courtesy," Natsuki returned, coming in and closing the door behind her with one hand. In the other, she held a bowl. "Not that you know much about that…"

"I know about it. But it's a lot more fun to bend those rules a little, with you," I said lightly. It's been a while since I could play this part. I guess releasing my feelings like that really did help, at least a little.

"Tch. Idiot." Natsuki sat cross-legged in front of me, and placed the bowl between us. "Umm… when I didn't see you at the table, I was worried. So I took some leftover kombu from the kitchen. You like to eat it with tea, right?" She rubbed the back of her head awkwardly. "Looks like you've already eaten, though."

I smiled at her. "It's a charming idea. Could you bring tea for the two of us, Hideko?"

"Of course, Ojou-sama." And so she went again, though she may have wished to remain. I'm not sure how curious she is about me.

"Hey, it's not like I'm particularly fond of this stuff," Natsuki said, glancing at me. "It's for you, right?"

"I'll share it. This is your apology for mayonnaise, okay?" I turned my body, sitting in seiza and smiling at her. "So please bear with my whims."

"Honestly," Natsuki complained softly. "Even if it's food, you're still like this…"

"Isn't it nice to share things, once in a while?" I asked sincerely.

Natsuki shrugged awkwardly, looking away. "I suppose so."

This girl, who tries to be close and far at once, like a moth scared of flame… "Let's leave it at that, then." I self-consciously pushed my hair out of my eyes. "More importantly than that…" For a moment, I found myself at a loss for words, which isn't something that happens often. I tried again. "You know, I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it," Natsuki said, turning and smiling at me bashfully. "I'm sorry as well. I went too far, and ended up saying stuff I didn't mean, so-"

"Not that. Or rather, not just that, because I certainly said a lot of things you didn't want to hear…" My hands clutched my knees awkwardly, though I did my best to keep my face clear. "But, I am sorry for everything. Though it's a little useless to just say that, but I guess you could say I don't know what else I can do. Or something. Well, you know… I'll do what I can, but there's a lot things I can't do."

Natsuki glanced at me, and snorted gently. "That's fine. Apology doesn't suit you, after all."

I blinked. "But-"

"No buts. You're the kind of person who can't do it well at all, and that's all there is to it. Honestly, you're worse than me." Natsuki looked away, keeping her voice cheerful. "Just say 'I'm sorry' clearly, is what Mai said people should do."

"I'm sorry."

"Even if you say that, it still doesn't suit you. Just forget about it." Natsuki sighed, looking at me with amused eyes. "Let's just get on things, that suits me better as well."

"You're surprisingly cheerful," I complained, pouting at her.

"What? Did you really think I'd be too upset by something little like that?" Natsuki asked, prodding me playfully in the shoulder. "You've done a lot worse, right? That was nothing."

"Well, that's certainly true," I murmured.

"Hey, what's with that serious look?" Natsuki asked, flushing slightly and leaning forwards. "That was a joke, okay? I was trying to lighten the tone, already."

"Oh, really? I couldn't tell."

"Well, it was a joke," Natsuki said shortly. "In fact, I was upset, damnit. You're always messing yourself up, and saying stupid things, and making me worry and worry. It'd be enough to make anyone overwrought."

"I know," I replied evenly. "That's one of the reasons why I said sorry."

"If you want to apologise, though, a smile would be better," Natsuki retorted. "That's why should just forget it and move on, right? It's a winning pattern we've used for years, so why stop now?"

"I don't know how much of a winning pattern it is, after these particular years," I said quietly.

"Alright, bear it in mind, I am. But don't go on about it, that's all I'm saying. It's annoying." Natsuki glared at me. "You know, I really hate people who obsess over the past. It's just stupid."

I glanced at her for a long moment, and then giggled my way into a pretty coughing fit.

"I know, I know. I hate that part of my past, as well, but that doesn't mean I go on and on about it." Natsuki pouted at me. "So don't laugh so much."

"Alright, alright. Fine. I won't speak of that any more, if that's what Natsuki wants." I looked at her thoughtfully, wondering how much to say. "I hope Saaya was helpful. Okasama told me, a little. You made me worry as well, you know."

"Doesn't that count as talking about it?" Natsuki demanded. "Well, that woman just went on about Viola… your mother, a lot. Not very helpful. And for your information, you had me far more worried. You were probably moping in here and thinking of weird things with that overactive head of yours, right?"

I raised a finger. "Just a little."

"I knew it. So I was really, really worried! You aren't allowed to complain about the fact that I was worrying you. That's nothing in comparison."

"Ah, but I was guilty as well. Guilt is much worse."

"I was guilty too. What kind of brash person do you think I am?" Natsuki hugged her knees, glaring at me.

Hideko opened the door, carrying our tea. She placed it in front of us without a word and retreated to the corner of the room again.

"Thank you," I said absently, glancing in her direction, before focusing on Natsuki again. "Well, you don't have anything to be guilty about. I thought you'd be clear-headed, that's all."

"Thanks a lot," Natsuki said to Hideko. "But were you even listening to me earlier?" she demanded, glaring at me again. "I said a whole bunch of stuff that should make anyone guilty. Or did you just switch off or something?"

"Not at all. I remember it quite well. But it was reasonable, under the circumstances."

"There you go again," Natsuki snapped. "There's nothing reasonable about it. If you think so, you're just working up your guilt complex again. It's okay to be angry with me as well, you know. I know I was angry with you."

"It's a little worrying to hear you speak about that as if it's a good thing," I teased. This wasn't unnatural or forced, after all. Speaking to her feels clearer than thought, and so much lighter. It is a pleasant feeling, surprisingly enough.

"Well, whatever. We're doing it, aren't we? Like I said before you raised it again, we're forgetting the whole thing." Natsuki huffed, folding her arms. "When are you going to be better, anyway?"

"I'm not sure yet," I replied delicately. "Within a few days, I should hope." I picked up my tea and drank from it, before taking a piece of kombu and chewing it thoughtfully.

"So long," Natsuki complained, pushing her hair over her shoulder. "I'll have to live with it, I guess. But you were supposed to show me around properly today."

"I'm sorry," I replied, more quietly, as a strange idea struck me. "Perhaps I could make it up to you?"

"Hmm?"

"When I'm better, more than just the house, there are a lot of places I'd like to show you, in Kyoto," I said awkwardly. "I know it pretty well, after all. So, perhaps you'd like to do that some time."

Natsuki glanced at me for a moment, her left hand playing absently with her hair. "Sure," she said eventually. "That sounds good."

"Then it's a promise," I replied quietly.

I already had those doubts. Isn't that too much like a date? Won't it make us both uneasy? What interest does she have in old temples anyway? Aren't you just imposing on her courtesy? All those uncertain feelings. But from now on, I'm inclined to forget all of that nonsense. It really is unnecessary, after all.


	24. Chapter 24

**Windows of the Soul: Part Twenty-Four**

Thank you for your kind reviews, which are my substitute for enough sleep. Today's chapter is relatively light, I suppose, which is fine too. Don't worry, we'll probably return to our regular programming soon enough...

* * *

In the end, I was just waiting around. That was annoying, but I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised. I'm not family, like Viola is, and I'm not really meant to be here to begin with, after all. Still, I wish they wouldn't talk so damn quietly so I can't hear, even through these thin walls. I swear that has to be deliberate. Who else is going to overhear? Servants? And what do they care about how sick Shizuru is? It's just plain annoying. Well, I guess I'll just have to bear with it, after all.

I looked up the moment Viola came out. "Well?"

She smiled vaguely at me. "It's just influenza."

"Huh? That sounds kinda bad."

"The flu," Saaya translated innocently.

"Oh. Then they shouldn't put a 'za' in it. Anything with za is bad news, as far as I'm concerned." I folded my arms. "When will she be better?"

"In one to two weeks, most likely. There isn't any particular treatment for it except lots of rest and enough fluids. Oh, and it's very contagious, so we probably shouldn't hang around her so often. I told Hideko she was excused, but she was a little stubborn. I think Shizuru is ordering her away now."

"I see," I replied, turning towards her room.

Saaya caught me by my shoulder, smiling. "Were you even listening?"

"I'm a tough person," I said stubbornly. "I'll be fine, so worry about yourself first."

"It's easy to say that when you're well, you know, but everyone gets sick."

"That's not immediately important," Viola replied. "Can I borrow you for a second, Kuga-san? There's something I want to talk to you about."

I shrugged awkwardly. "If you like." And so I trailed after her.

"In the first instance, I'm rather sorry you had to come at such a time. Shizuru chose a very unfortunate moment to become ill, after all. That's probably frustrating."

"Don't worry about it. Or rather, I'm lucky to be here at all. It's not like she did it to spite me anyway, either, so there's nothing to apologise about."

"Well, as long as you aren't too bothered by it, I suppose is fine." She glanced at me, smiling. "Did she ever get ill at school?"

"Not really. Well, not beyond colds and things." I shrugged. "Shizuru is a very stubborn person. I guess she wouldn't let me know if she could help it, though, so perhaps she was ill more often that I think."

"There's always that possibility. As Saaya says, of course, anyone can become sick in the end." The very same opened another door and Viola stepped through, leading us into the lounge. I sat on one of the sofas, avoiding Saaya's eye. "Setting aside the fact that she isn't well as self-evident, it does leave us with something of a problem, though," Viola remarked, sitting opposite me. "Objectively, she should be left alone, but that would probably grow boring for her and in any case I have my reasons to dislike the prospect of her spending many days without talking much to anyone, right now."

"Like I said, I'll go and talk to her regardless," I said bluntly, resting my hands in my lap. "So you can leave that to me. It's for that reason that I came here, and I'm younger than you are anyway. I'm less likely to get ill."

"A very blunt and unflattering answer," Viola remarked, chuckling. "But you can't spend all day with her, either, especially when it would just be sitting around until she regained some of her strength."

"I'm not bothered by that, either."

"Is that so?" Viola smiled innocently. "That's very kind of you. But if I can touch on a personal note briefly, what other friends does Shizuru have?"

I made a face, wondering whether I was being insulted. "Well, I'm her best friend," I replied. Just to make the situation perfectly clear. "After that…" I considered briefly. "I guess you could say a lot of people know her, but she has less friends."

"That sounds like my daughter. She can be a little insular at times." Viola sighed slightly. "Oh, well. It can't be helped."

"It's not like she's a lonely person, though," I said hastily. "I mean, she has friends. And we have a few in common. Reito, certainly, and I guess you'd include Tate. Probably not Haruka, though they know each other well… not that I know Haruka myself…"

"And yourself?" Viola giggled slightly. "I'm sure a charming, earnest person like yourself would have many things."

"A few," I said cautiously, wondering whether I was being mocked. "Why the sudden interest?"

"In part, curiosity," Viola said deftly. "Do either of you have boyfriends?"

I flushed slightly. "No, damnit. What's with the strange questions?"

"She looks a little embarrassed," Saaya teased. "That's rather endearing."

"You'll have to forgive me. It's been a long time since I was young, after all, and I've taken it as read that Shizuru would never talk to me about something like that." Viola touched her white hair thoughtfully, wearing an almost girlish expression. "I suppose I should be glad as a mother that she hasn't got into any trouble, but it's disappointing that someone like her should never even try to date someone."

"You'll have to forgive her," Saaya remarked, looking wry. "I think this is part of a mother's complex."

"Well, neither of us have ever dated everyone," I said. "I think." Well, I knew, but sounding too certain might be odd. I'm not sure. "It's not like it was a personality problem, though. Shizuru had a lot of people who would have liked to date her, but she never went out with anyone."

"A good and dull girl," Viola remarked lightly. "Was there anyone she seemed interested in?"

I flushed. Just one. "Well… there were always a lot of rumours about her and Reito. I mean, Kanzaki-san."

"Oh?" Viola leaned back, looking at me with interested eyes. "What was he like?"

"Tall. Dark. Handsome. Smart guy, worked with her on the student council. Popular with the girls." I shrugged, feeling slightly safer with this topic. "People said they'd be good together, but I didn't see it myself. I always thought he was slimy."

"Oh? Well, there probably wouldn't be any danger, if it was Shizuru."

"Yeah. It's not like he was a bad guy, either," I said awkwardly. "It was just a rumour, anyway. I don't think she was ever actually interested, but she never said she wasn't. I think she found it interesting, or something."

"Hmm," Viola said thoughtfully. "That does sound like her."

"As interesting as this aside is, I don't think this was what you originally meant to talk about," Saaya chided gently. "For Natsuki-chan's sake, you should get to the point."

"Sorry, but it's too interesting. I'd enjoy picking up this conversation later." Viola coughed. "In the meantime, what I was going to ask is, do you think any of Shizuru's friends would be free right now?"

"Huh?" I asked, blinking.

"If I said that Shizuru has many worries and causes me many more, that aren't anything directly to do with her illness, you would know what I mean, wouldn't you?" Viola said more sharply. "If it is you, Kuga-san, I can't imagine she could hide that from you."

"A guilty face," Saaya said teasingly.

"Well, I guess I can understand something like that," I agreed cautiously. It wouldn't do to give too much away. "She told you about what happened in the Twelve Day War, right?" Or rather, Shizuru has told me what she told you, for our convenience.

"Certainly. That may have rubbed off on her," Viola said, blinking slowly. "So I thought that, if it was at all possible, surrounding her with people she knew might not be a bad idea. I can't afford to spend very long each day with her, and my husband is worse in that respect. Even if we you, you can't be with her all the time. Do you think that would be possible?"

"Maybe," I said, wondering whether it would be a good idea. She wasn't always at her best dealing with the other Hime, and they're about the only people we really know.

"Of course, I'm not sure if Shinri will like it. He does so prefer this house to be quiet." She glanced at me. "Not that I intended you any offence, Kuga-san. You're very welcome here, and I am glad that you could be here."

"None taken," I replied neutrally. "I kinda got that idea anyway, if you know what I mean."

"Well, I can persuade him. Even if he remains stubborn, I'll remain absolute on this matter." Viola chuckled. "Though perhaps I shouldn't try and persuade people to come to a sick girl's house… I suppose I'm being rather selfish, after all."

"Not at all. I understand what you mean, and they wouldn't mind," I said hurriedly. "Don't think anything of it."

"Then do you think you can do something?" Viola asked innocently.

On the other hand, isn't it about damn time Shizuru gets over the other Hime, anyway? "I'll ask them," I said, keeping my tone neutral. "But I'm not sure whether they don't already have plans. It is an important summer holiday, after all."

"That's all I ask of you, which is too much as it is," Viola replied, glancing seriously at me. "Considering Shizuru's attitudes, I may be going too far anyway. But I can't help but think that she'll be worse off if she's left to her thoughts."

"I guess so. But she'll probably disagree with the idea, to be honest." I shrugged. "I kinda imposed on her coming here at all, and I doubt she'd suggest it herself. She's always so annoying…" I coughed abruptly. "I mean, she does have a habit of trying to be independent. It can make her difficult."

Viola giggled. "I know the feeling, so rest easy. She has always been a stubborn and headstrong girl. That's probably my fault, but it does so suit her."

"Well, I'll probably ask her whether it's okay, all the same," I said. "It doesn't seem fair to just impose on her."

"Of course. I wouldn't have it any other way." Viola closed her eyes briefly. "But I hope you've been enjoying your time here, in spite of whatever trouble Shizuru has been causing you."

"Of course. You've been very kind to me."

"It still worries me, though. Is there anything in particular we can do for you?"

I frowned. "Well, just let me see Shizuru without reminding me that it's dangerous. It's not like I don't know that, so I'll take my chances."

Viola chuckled. "If you insist. But I can see why Shizuru is so fond of you. You're quite alike."

I flushed. "I'm not that like her, you know."

"I suppose not," Viola said, in that damn tone that means I can't really tell whether or not she's making a joke. These two are pretty damn good at that, and it's really annoying. "In any case, I'll leave everything to you, once again. I need to talk to Shizuru briefly about what she's going to be eating, so if you can excuse me for now."

"Of course," I replied, standing. "I guess I'd better get going, as well." I started to walk towards the door, feeling a little more confidant about the direction, then paused. "Uhm. One more thing."

"Yes?" Viola asked, pausing and glancing over her shoulder at me.

"If it's possible, is there anything you can eat with mayonnaise?"

Viola blinked. "Mayonnaise?"

"I'm sure some salad dishes could be prepared for you with that intention, Natsuki-chan," Saaya said. "I'll talk to the cook."

"No need to go to all that trouble," I said hurriedly. "I'm fine with just sandwiches."

"Sandwiches," Viola said, as if confronted with a logic puzzle. "That can probably be arranged. I don't see why not."

Saaya snorted lightly. "A promise is a promise. Good luck with your mission, Natsuki-chan."

"Thanks," I replied, turning away in embarrassment. Mission, huh? Not really a word intended for this kind of use.

"But she really is a beautiful girl," Saaya said teasingly, just loud enough for me to hear.

I flounced off in a huff. Laughing at me, indeed.

Those two are strange. Shizuru-like, but different, and certainly always thinking about various things with that consideration that borders on imposition. They have a strange sense of humour, and perceptive tendencies, while retaining the slight aura of rich, spoiled naivety about the normal world around them. Well, Viola's like that anyway, and Saaya somewhat less. But you also consider them as a pair automatically, as well. It's altogether peculiar. I should expect nothing less of this strange house, and the people closest as family to my strange friend. It's hard not to feel a little out of control around them, though. Not like that feeling's new, of course. I can't remember the last time I thought my life was my own to direct. And wouldn't things be a lot simpler if I didn't worry about the Fujino at all? Of course, and a little more boring, and with too many regrets. So even if I feel insecure, it's a good feeling. As with fighting, too, there's always an element of risk where you just have to trust to your instincts. Or, in other words, I should just go with the flow rather than trying to fight it. I wouldn't mind talking to Mai again, either, if nothing else.

My room was too close to Shizuru's, though, with those damn thin walls. And I couldn't think of anywhere that wouldn't have servants coming and going as a constant danger, offhand. It wasn't like I knew the place very well. Just bearing in mind the entrance, the dining room, the lounge, and my room was enough. But I did know where the garden was, so I headed in that direction.

It was a beautiful garden, after all. Certainly better-presented in the light of day than in the middle of the night, with a lot to worry about and no time to appreciate the flowers. Of course, they probably had people to take care of it and arrange it. I can't begin to imagine Viola touching the soil, after all, or Shizuru for that matter. But at least whomever they delegate it to has decent taste. There was the raked gravel and the pond and the thing that goes doink, of course, but that was just the one side, as far as I could see. Grass covered the rest of it, on this side of the house anyway, with natural-looking flowerbeds and overhanging trees. I had no idea how much it all cost, of course. But it was pretty. The kind of garden you could get lost in, and that was the kind that I needed. I endeavoured to get out of sight of the pond, which was a more haunting accusation than any of the windows of the house itself.

I finally found a bench that felt sufficiently out of the way, next to one of the stone lantern thingies. I pulled out my phone and glanced at it thoughtfully. Was Mai doing something? And why had I gone all the way out here, anyway? Couldn't I just command someone to tell me where one of the house phones was and avoid being charged for the call?

Whatever. Without apology, my way is my way. I rang the number and waited patiently.

"_Mai here."_

"It's me," I said, a little roughly. I was covering for the fact that I'd actually smiled at that voice. Just a little. "Are you busy with anything?"

"_Not really. I'll be going out later, so you caught me just in time."_

"Tate again?" I groused. "I really got out at the right time, didn't I?"

"_Nope. I'm going shopping with Chie and Aoi. Apparently it takes Chie this long to get up in a holiday."_

"I see. Well, good luck with that." I considered getting to the point, but more than one person has told me I'm too direct anyway. Besides, I suppose a little chatting doesn't hurt, if it's just every once in a while. "What's Mikoto up to? Bouncing off the walls?"

"_Reito's taken her out to play again. I must admit, you two really saved me on that one." _Mai laughed. _"Well, I'm fond of her, of course. But she needs a lot of attention."_

"That, and a lot of ice cream," I retorted dryly. "I don't envy you having less and less other people to pat her on the head. Letting Reito take responsibility sounds good to me."

"_Mmm. How are you, anyway?"_

"I'm fine," I replied easily, tapping my free fingers against my knee. "Who do you think I am?"

Mai laughed again. _"That's good. I'm fine as well. And how is Fujino-san doing?"_

"Her?" I asked sharply. "Again, you shouldn't need to ask, in a different way from before. She's being stubborn, and a pain, and now on top of that she's made herself ill with the flu or something. It's a real bother, you know. I've just got here, and she's already in bed!"

"_I doubt that's deliberate, though."_

"Maybe, but it's hard to tell. She's been really reckless recently," I replied, deciding not to get into the details for now. "And her personality is still really troublesome. She's in bed so sick she can barely move, and she keeps going on about how she's worrying everyone, and stuff about how we could catch it from her or whatnot. It's a pain."

"_Fujino-san sounds as considerate as ever, then. It's too bad that she's fallen ill."_

"It sounds considerate, but it really isn't. Like this, she just makes everyone feel like she doesn't actually care about herself, which worries us even more." I pouted. "If you're sick, you are damn well sick. Sick people are supposed to be selfish. They're allowed."

"_If you say so," _Mai said tactfully.

"And not just that, either. But she's still beating herself up about the Carnival, even now that stopped being satisfying a long time ago and by now I just wish she'd forget about it and move on. I've told her that, as well, but she doesn't listen to me anyway. She just blames everything on herself at random."

"_That sounds pretty tough for you two. I'd no idea she'd taken it that hard, though, and I still wouldn't but for you. I mean, wasn't she her normal, smiling self at school?"_

"That's just her cunning face," I said. "Which is annoying, as well. It's really difficult to get her to tell me anything sincerely, because of the same thing as with the flu. She doesn't want to worry people, or something. Completely backward logic, and I keep telling her that, but she never listens at all. Even though she nods and makes like she has." I scowled. "And another thing, but I really am sick of her doing stuff like that. Shizuru's always thinking this and that about things, and blaming herself for everything, and then deciding to do things or say things or whatever all on her own. It took me ages before I could convince her to tell me anything at all. Even then, she's still deciding things as she pleases. Well, that's fine. I'll just do whatever is best anyway, like she does, and see if she likes it…"

Mai laughed.

I frowned. "Hey, what's so amusing about that?"

"_Oh, nothing really. It's just that you really can talk a lot about Fujino-san, after all. It's very earnest of you." _She coughed. _"Well, work hard, Natsuki. You sound so stubborn that I almost feel sorry for her."_

"You're implying strange and annoying things again," I complained. "But you don't have to worry about that. I'll make her submit, obviously. I won't go easy on her, either, not even if she's ill."

"_Be gentle. You sound really terrifying. But what is it like there, anyway? Did you get to meet Fujino-san's parents?"_

"Oh, yeah. I did." I tapped my fingers idly. "If you think I'm scary, you haven't met them. Viola is like a half-blind albino Shizuru, only she has this weird sidekick, and Shinri is some crazy evil dude who keeps going on about swordplay. It's like a madhouse here."

"_Huh? I think you need to be a little more descriptive with your… well, descriptions."_

I opened my mouth to retort sarcastically, then remembered what my actual job was. "Well, that was just one way of putting it," I said evasively. "Viola's pretty nice. That's her mother. She's really polite, and worries a lot about Shizuru, and talks to me a fair bit. Though she is a half-blind albino, but that's okay, because this woman called Saaya is her eyes. They've known each other for ages, too, as when they were really young they hated each other, but after a while Saaya says she understood Viola, or something, and started helping her. Oh, and she's European. Viola, that is. Not Saaya. Shizuru really looks like her grandfather, Reonard someone."

"_Sounds… confusing," _Mai said diplomatically.

"Well, it makes a little more sense if you're actually there," I said defensively. "Don't worry about it. The house is really big, though, and there are servants everywhere. It's like a giant hotel or something, only there's only a few guests." This line of argument felt stronger, so I pushed it. "The food's really good, as well. Shizuru says the chef is a master, especially with regional cuisine. The garden's huge, too, and it's pretty close to all the historical stuff in Kyoto. Shizuru says she's gonna take me there when she's better."

Mai laughed again. _"That's good. It sounds like you're having a lot of fun after all, even if you like to complain about it."_

"I don't complain _that _much," I said reproachfully. "It's mostly Shizuru that annoys me." I considered that for a moment. "Well, her and Shinri."

"_Shinri?"_

"Shizuru's father. He basically told Shizuru off for bringing me home, and all but told me to pack my bags and clear off. She looked shaken by that, as well, even if it's her and she's doing her best not to show it. Bastard," I said with feeling. "And then he kept bullying her with all this nonsense about whether or not she's been doing enough while at Fuka. You know, I hate that kind of person, the type who uses their position to pick on the people under them. Isn't that just pathetic?"

"_Now you're definitely showing your scary side."_

"Yeah, yeah. Well, it pisses me off. I tried to tell him off, but it's not like I can shout him down while eating his food."

"_I'm glad you had that much consideration, anyway. I'm sure Fujino-san can deal with it, though. She's a strong person, after all, so you probably don't need to worry too much on her behalf."_

I sighed. "She did seem upset, though, and that's a big thing for her. And besides, I just get this feeling that he can get away with saying those sorts of things precisely because everyone is too "considerate" to tell him he's a nutjob."

"_Well, I don't know. It's not like I am there, after all." _Mai paused for a second. _"But unless it keeps coming up, you probably shouldn't worry too much. I mean, isn't that what's worrying Fujino-san? Her being sick, and the Carnival, those are big things you should worry about. But if you keep worrying about every little thing, that'll just make her think she's a burden on you, right? I doubt that'd make her happy."_

"It's not easy to help it, though," I complained. "It's really easy to say. And shouldn't she know that we don't mind worrying about her? I keep telling her that, as well."

"_That's always easy to say, as well." _

"Hmm. If you say so."

"_I had a conversation like that with Takumi, actually," _Mai said casually. _"He told me that he didn't need me to worry over every little thing any more. It was getting to be a problem for him."_

"Well, that's different," I said defensively. "Shizuru's always giving me a lot of reasons to worry."

"_Hmm. If you say so…"_

Talking to Mai is good as well, from time to time. Eventually, I even managed to raise the topic at hand.

* * *

I looked up when okasama entered, frowning slightly. "Didn't you hear what Kouno-sensei said, Ka-sama? You shouldn't be around me."

"Now don't be like that," Okasama replied, smiling gently at me. "There's no need to be so aggressive."

I rubbed my face tiredly, sighing. "When the whole household falls ill, please bear in mind that I did give you all fair warning. At least Natsuki has been sensible enough to stay away."

"I'm sure you're very glad for that. I will try to be brief, as well." Okasama sat before me on that much-abused cushion, delicately adjusting the fall of her hair with one hand. "But it was Kuga-san I wanted to talk to you about."

"Is that so?" I asked cautiously, glancing at her with renewed focus. The fact that this wasn't the best time to discuss important things with her has not changed, sadly.

"It's nothing bad," Okasama said, apparently reading my thoughts. "She's a clever and charming girl, and quite dedicated to you. I'm not going to pack her off home just yet."

"She's beautiful, as well, but people keep looking at me strangely when I say that," Saaya complained.

"The truth isn't always someone we express," I murmured. "In any case, what should we talk about, in particular?"

"It's unfortunate that you fell sick at this time, setting aside the causes for a moment," Okasama said delicately. "Do you know how long Kuga-san is intending to say?"

"I don't know," I replied truthfully. "A day or all summer, either is should be fine for our purposes."

Okasama chuckled delicately, touching her lips with her fingers. "Don't be oversensitive, that wasn't my implication. But if that's the case, especially if she has to keep a distance from you, she might get bored in this house. We don't have the entertainment of girls your age in mind, sadly, in what we have."

I frowned. "That's true enough. I was planning to take her out, but I can't if I'm like this. She can go out herself, of course."

"That wouldn't be very enjoyable for her, though." Okasama leaned forwards slightly, looking at me. "That's why, if you don't have any objections, I thought we could have a few of her other friends to stay. Provided they can come, of course."

I blinked, rapidly working out the implications. I wasn't sure I wanted Mai and everyone associated with her to see me as I was currently was. "Won't Tou-sama object to that?"

"Perhaps. I intend to persuade him, if that's necessary. It's the matter of a guest, after all, which is important to us. And I'll be counting on your support, as well."

"I suspect he'll be stubborn about this," I said, stalling for time. But of course, Okasama had a point. I could hardly entertain her like this. No, more likely, even if I wasn't ill I'm not currently in a frame of mind where I can consistently make her smile. Perhaps this would be good for her, as well?

"We can worry about that later," Okasama said patiently. "What do you think?"

"It isn't a bad idea, presuming this is what Natsuki-chan wants," I said cautiously. I've always been very jealous of Mai and her, though, so perhaps it would be a bad idea, after all.

"She said should would at least ask, but also said she wouldn't do it if that wasn't what you wanted. So it is your decision, as well."

But there was something to be said for breathing space. And also, simplicity. My inner Natsuki was telling me to stop overcomplicating everything, while hitting me over the head with a leek. "I think it's a good idea, so please tell her that," I said evenly. "And thank you for your concern for her, as well. It is much appreciated."

"No, this much is nothing," Okasama said. "I just hope you don't mind spending a little less time with Kuga-san. This is supposed to be your holiday together, wasn't it?"

I rolled over, facing the other wall. "Not really. It was her decision to come, after all, and I don't have a clear insight as to why she did that. Of course, I'm grateful, all the same."

"She is a kind girl," Okasama noted. "Despite her rough manner."

I smiled slightly. "In the interests of the peace, please do not say that while she is within earshot. She'd object to both parts of that description in different ways."

"I will bear that in mind," Okasama remarked, standing. "Is there anything else you need?"

"No. I'm fine like this." I closed my eyes, clearing my throat again and catching a breath. "How long is it until dinner?"

"About an hour and twenty minutes," Saaya replied promptly. "Food can be brought to you again."

I sat up, pushing my hair out of my eyes. "No, I will eat at the table."

"You're still tired, Shizuru," Okasama chided. "Besides, you said it yourself. Do you intend to infect all of us after all?"

"No one appears to make much of that, and I'm feeling a lot better now anyway," I said smoothly. "So please bear with my whims. Hideko, can you help me dress?"

"I also think that you are being a little reckless, Ojou-sama," Hideko said cautiously.

"I am sure," I said, standing. Blood rushed from my head and I blinked rapidly, barely able to see. But I kept my footing and as even a facial expression as I could manage. "I have already decided to do this, so please do not make things unnecessarily difficult. After dinner, I will come back here."

Okasama sighed. "How is it, Saaya?"

"She still looks pale and drawn, her eyes are red, and her arms still look stiff," Saaya said critically. "I certainly wouldn't recommend moving, if you were to ask me. But she's also looking very stubbornly at me. It's probably a settled matter already."

Okasama sighed. "Do you have to do this? You really should rest, Shizuru."

"My mind is made up," I repeated steadily.

"And if I forbade you?" she asked speculatively.

"Please accept my sincerest apologies," I replied quietly. "But I do not think I would be able to respect that wish, now I am determined."

"An interesting way to turn that phrase of mine, but it can't be helped." Okasama turned and left. "Don't do anything unnecessarily rash."

I rested my legs, and found that I could at least stand now. "Of course, Ka-sama."


	25. Chapter 25

**Windows of the Soul: Part Twenty-Five**

If at first you don't succeed, try until they get bored of resisting. Not a bad motto for a character like Natsuki, with the kind of bad luck that would make a devil weep. I mean, man. We need fanfic so she can catch some breaks after a series of running betrayal.

* * *

"Hey, Shizuru."

"Ara, this is interesting timing…"

I blinked as Shizuru hurriedly held her kimono shut. "You're changing?" I said blankly.

"Evidently," she replied, turning her back and holding her arms up. Hideko fussed around her in an incomprehensible, pulling on various things and folding other things and generally performing whatever ritual they needed to do to summon Shizuru's well-dressed, elegant appearance. "Perhaps I should have people knock when they come in, after all."

"I didn't see anything," I retorted hotly. "You don't have to be so self-conscious."

"I'm just being cautious, that's all. Though sick girls don't get their rest around here." Shizuru twisted her neck, glancing at me with her amused face. "Leaving that aside, but you really have to put it that way? I'm scared whenever you say 'hey', now. It's a bit of a problem when one of your greetings shreds my nerves so."

"You should just get used to it again, and stop complaining," I said, folding my arms and glaring at her. "What do you want me to say, anyway?"

"I'm not sure. Good day to you, Shizuru for a greeting?"

"Vetoed." I leaned against the wall, relaxing slightly. "But you're very energetic all of a sudden."

"Is that so?" Shizuru asked innocently. "I hope you don't mind."

"It's fine, as far as it goes. But you're still pale. Paler. Is this really okay?" I demanded. "Aren't you supposed to stay in bed for two weeks?"

"I was feeling a little better than before, and it seemed like such a waste to lie around all day without doing anything," Shizuru replied. Hideko tied her obi, stepping back and admiring her handiwork. "Anything else would be too boring. I'm sure you'd try moving at least a little yourself, after a while like that."

"I may yet get to experience it, thanks," I replied warily, watching her through half-closed eyes. "But you sure are stubborn. I shouldn't be surprised."

"A little walk never did anyone any harm," Shizuru remarked loosely. She looked at me, touching her hair briefly with her right hand. "How do I look?"

"Like someone raised a zombie from the Meiji era," I replied bluntly. "Even if you wear pretty clothes, a dead person is still a dead person, after all."

"How cruel," Shizuru said lightly. She crossed the room slowly, sitting on a chair and looking thoughtfully at the mirror jutting from the table. "That said, though, I see your point. I'm not at my best." She coughed, clearing her throat.

"Honestly," I replied, as Hideko wordlessly picked up a comb. "What are you going to do like that?"

"I'm not too badly off," Shizuru said defensively. "I've had a lot of rest."

"Well, it doesn't show, but whatever." I shrugged. "Just try not to infect us all."

"You all use that excuse when it suits you, but when it comes to bothering me all morning and afternoon no one apologises for that," Shizuru complained. "Can't you at least be consistent?"

"Oh, don't be fussy," I replied, rolling my eyes. "If it's getting through your thick skull, we all have to anything we can do. And now you're doing this because it pleases you, for whatever reason."

"Is that so," Shizuru murmured tiredly.

I frowned, shrugging easily. "Well, provided you don't go too far, I'll just accept that and move on. But you aren't allowed to go out, or fight anyone, or do anything stupid like that."

"I'd taken that as read," Shizuru replied briefly. "And you? How are you doing?"

"I'm the same as ever. Did you think I'd get sick that fast or something?"

Shizuru chuckled slightly. "No… I meant with your revision."

I blinked. "About that. I delegated it."

"I'm not sure how you delegate revision," Shizuru said reproachfully.

"I said my future self could do it," I replied. "It's only been the second week, after all. There's still a lot of time."

"Carefree, for you." Shizuru coughed slightly, taking a long breath. "Never mind, though. If it's you, it'll probably end well enough. That will have to do."

"Yep, you're seriously still sick," I noted, snorting slightly. "If you were well, I'd already be dead."

"Perhaps," Shizuru conceded quietly. Amusement was plain on her voice.

"Forget that, though. What _are _you going to do, looking like that?" I demanded.

"I just want to sit in the lounge, that's all," Shizuru replied. "I could do with a change of atmosphere, and that much should be fine. I know I'm still sick, after all. But getting some fresher air is never a bad thing, either."

"You think so?" I asked, toying with a strand of my hair. "I can't see how much difference it could make, myself."

"You remain the voice of hopeful optimism in a bleak world," Shizuru said. "You could at least humour me a little more, right?"

"This is humouring you," I replied. "If I was feeling impatient, I'd kick you back into bed and sit on your head until you gave in on staying there."

"Tempting, but no."

"Is this okay, Ojou-sama?" Hideko asked quietly.

"That looks fine," Shizuru replied. "Do you think my hair's okay like this, Natsuki?"

"Looks fine to me," I replied bluntly. "The same as it always is, and a lot better than earlier. I thought a porcupine had nested there."

Shizuru laughed slightly, stand and looking at me. "Natsuki is a blunt person, after all. But you should be glad I'm still a little on the rough side. As it is, please expect punitive interest on all these cruel and unusual jabs at my dignity."

"I'll look forwards to it," I replied quickly, and truthfully. Strange, but it really had been too long since she last spoke to me in that playful, teasing voice. "But in the meantime, have a taste of your own medicine. It's good for an arrogant person like you."

"Well, I suppose I can bear it," Shizuru conceded mock-seriously, running a hand through her newly combed hair. "In any case, I'm going."

"Hey, Shizuru."

She stopped, smiling at me. "By now, you're just doing it deliberately, aren't you?"

"Not just deliberately," I replied defensively.

"Well, perhaps I'm being over-defensive," Shizuru replied, folding her hands into her sleeves as she often does. "In the same way that you're frequently tactful and polite, even when it isn't necessary."

"It's a little amazing you can keep yourself entertained like this even when you're sick," I complained. "That's just unnatural. And here I was, about to compliment you as well."

"Now that, I don't believe." Shizuru laughed again, coughing slightly. "It's been a few months, surely?"

"I'm not that bad," I complained. "So you shouldn't just say what you like, either." And then I shrugged and smiled at her. "You look pretty beautiful, though."

"Sorry?" Shizuru asked innocently. "What was that? I didn't catch it."

"I said you look like frogs have crawled over your face while you sleep. Make of that what you will." I turned, heading for the door. "Now let's go, already. You might as well move, if you're getting up at all."

Following Shizuru's behaviour is certainly a pain, to say the least. Doing things without reasons she'll ever disclose honestly, and according to her weird logic rather than common sense, it all means I've become complacent in my amused bafflement about everything she does. But I've learned to think about it, at least. I don't just take her statements on faith any more. Is that a bad thing? If so, is it her fault or mine? But more than any abstract matter of a good thing or a bad thing, this is just how Shizuru is. Even if I complain about it, that's fine. I'm not twisted out of mind by cute, idealised thoughts about her. So I'll know her and watch her and protect her, as her, the person she is. Perhaps, too, I should try to change her rather than just accept these bad habits of hers. But I don't think I'm strong enough to do that. It doesn't feel wrong, even when a lot of things do feel wrong, to let this be on her terms. So I'll trust my instinct and accept it.

And in this instance, here and now, she's doing what she always does. Even if she says she's better, there's not much mistaking her pale face and her stiff, slow stride. Shizuru normally walks deceptively fast, despite her easy grace. I was surprised to find that she could keep up with me, when I was younger and the two of us more distant. Right now, I'm slowing myself for her, and there isn't much grace in the way she limps along. But still, she'll force herself, because she thinks it's important somehow. Honestly, she's an egoist with no self-respect. That shouldn't even be possible!

She put her left hand on the wall briefly, steadying herself, and looked up at me with an apologetic smile. But she didn't say anything, either. There wasn't much she could say in this situation.

"Honestly," I complained, stopping and glaring at her. "You're being very creative with "feeling better", aren't you?"

"I'm fine," Shizuru replied, a little unconvincingly.

Now there's two words you only say when you're anything but fine. "I'm sure," I replied dryly. I grabbed her arm. "Come on, come on. You aren't allowed to collapse in a corridor."

"I'm not collapsing," Shizuru complained. I moved my hand around her back, supporting her weight. "Just what are you doing?"

"Well, I wonder," I said ironically, walking forwards again. "Can you remember the last time I did this for you?"

Shizuru frowned, shifting away slightly. "Last night, isn't it?"

"Right. Exactly," I replied. "Twice in one day is just far too often, after all. So you should be far more careful."

Shizuru sighed. Her breath was surprisingly close to my ear, which made me blink. "Sorry for troubling you."

"I'm used to it already, so it's nothing to feel your complex over." I glanced at her, smiling a little despite myself. "Besides, it's not bad to feel like I'm a little useful, as well."

"Is that so?" Shizuru asked. "I thought this was a bother?"

"It's still a bother. Don't mistake that, or get any funny ideas." I pushed the door open and helped her through, looking across the room thoughtfully. "How would you say it?" Beyond the windows, the garden sat like a contented cat.

"A surprisingly thoughtful face," Shizuru said half-teasingly, freeing herself from my grasp and sitting on the sofa.

Her descent wasn't quite kinetic enough to say she fell into the seat, but it was getting there. The sight was strangely amusing. "An unsurprisingly stubborn girl." I crossed the room, looking at my reflection in the window. Green eyes looked at green eyes, with Shizuru watching from behind. "Back then, I never helped anyone with anything, after all. I thought that everyone was alone in this world, and for that reason, I'd let everyone else struggle with their own affairs. I'd just use my power to look after myself, as they should, and the strongest would win. That's how I thought, at that time."

"Are you a little envious of your younger self?" Shizuru asked philosophically. "That's a rather easy way to live, at least, without being dragged into the affairs of people like me."

"It was a lot simpler," I agreed. "Everything was a lot simpler, when I was younger. But that goes for everyone, doesn't it?"

"Yes. That's true."

"But simple and easy aren't the same thing. Even if they were, the path of least resistance is dull and full of regrets." I smiled thinly. "You know, I was very lonely. And I was scared, as well. If you don't think anyone will help you when you fall, you have to do everything right, without making any mistakes. In the end there isn't much you can do, thinking like that. And you don't feel necessary, either. If I were to die today, who would mourn me? Who would notice?" I stopped for a moment, shrugging pointlessly.

Shizuru leaned back, looking away from my reflection's eyes. "I can understand that feeling."

"But, you know," I said, keeping my voice bright, "I didn't have to do things like that. I was just forcing that kind of lifestyle on myself. You were the first person who I knew I could rely on, no matter what happened. I guess I went a little overboard, depending on you without giving much trust back. I was a little hard on you."

"As glad as I am that you trusted me back then, it doesn't make me very happy," Shizuru said tiredly. "It's that trust I betrayed in such a way, which is an unforgivable thing."

"Well, you did betray my trust, and did hurt more than I can say," I replied. "That's true, but hurting yourself, blaming yourself for everything and pushing yourself too hard. That's just something you force on yourself as well, isn't it?" I glanced at her, eyes sharp. "Is it me? Did I ever suggest I wanted something like that? If so, I'll take it back and apologise. Whatever happened then, I don't want to see you sad."

Shizuru watched me sadly, rubbing her forehead idly with her right hand. "It's a little depressing, when you make even my shame a shameful thing."

"Well, that isn't my intention, either." I leaned against the wall again, folding my arms and looking at her. Just where was I going with this conversation? Just with the flow, more or less. I was relying on my instincts, and it didn't feel any less dangerous or important than dodging bullets. "That's because I'm an idiot. I can't do subtle things, or say things gently, or reassure you without hurting you. That's who I am. But I can state my intentions clearly, and I'm not doing anything with the intent to hurt you or make you sad. If I could reassure you a little, that would be enough for me."

"That's kind of you," Shizuru replied quietly.

"Yeah, it is. But it can't be helped." I closed my eyes, picking my way forwards. Somehow, it felt like we'd gone in a useful direction. I wanted to go as far as I could, not that I knew what I was doing. But perhaps it's what I just said. The intention might be more important than my exact words, right now. "I've thought it a lot, recently. Worrying about you has been a pain. And that's one of the reasons why I thought like that, before. If you don't worry, though, you don't care. If you have something or someone to worry about, that means you have something important to protect. Isn't that right?"

"You may be right, but important things aren't very safe," Shizuru replied. "If it's you, Natsuki, I'm surprised to hear you say that. Your mother, and me, we both betrayed you, didn't we? In the end."

"That's why I can say it without regret or doubt," I replied steadily. "Even if I have to risk my emotions, and my important things, that's still better than having a life with no attachments. Not despite, but because of the Carnival, I'll say that boldly."

Shizuru watched me for a moment, then chuckled. "Now you're just being brazen."

"Well, the subtle Shizuru-Hime doesn't understanding anything less forceful," I complained, flushing slightly. "That's why I have to say the same things over and over, loudly and clearly so you don't misunderstand." I pushed off the wall, trying to find my courage. I'm not a weak person, I never have been that, so I will. "Then, and now, you're the most important person to me."

Shizuru didn't turn away as I thought she might; though she looked like she was considering it. A complex and unreadable expression played out on her face, which was taut and slack at the same time. Even like this, she's still fighting herself and her sincerity.

I snorted, trying to cover my blush. "I still don't regret that, despite your best efforts, so just give up and be happy already. Shoving you into submission is getting tiring."

"Well, you're certainly very forceful to a sick girl. I should expect nothing less of Natsuki, after all."

"Naturally," I said, feeling a little disappointed. "Especially if you're only 'sick' when it suits you in the first place."

"But I'm a little tired as well." Shizuru looked up at me. "I've already described my feelings, which aren't simple or easy… and I'm still afraid that who I was in the Carnival hasn't really changed. I'm still so sick with fear that I can barely move. If I ever hurt you again, I don't think I could bear that without breaking. So… for me… it's the same thing that you said, as well." She closed her eyes. "It's dangerous for both of us, for me to be around you. I'd be safer and better off if I never saw you again."

I tried to find some smart reply to that, and failed miserably. So much for instinct. "Well, at least you're honest for once," I muttered, scowling. It hurt, but less than I'd thought it would. Not because I could accept her words, but because I was already determined to make her give up anyway.

"But, maybe that's fine," Shizuru said, raising her head again. She smiled a little. "I'm not a strong person, and I'm not kind person, either. I'm not a person who can make promises any more, either. But, I'll try, little by little. If I'm around you, I feel that something I'd previously considered impossible shouldn't be. That's the dangerous thing you do to me."

"Now you're being dramatic," I said weakly, looking away. "It's a bad habit of yours, you know."

"I know. I'll try my best with that, as well."

"And hurry up with it, too," I added. "How long do you think I've been waiting for, already? If it's I am, I am not, I am definitely not a patient person. So you should take responsibility."

"I'll bear that in mind. But." Shizuru focused on my face, eyes serious. "You should remember that my feelings haven't changed. I will do my best to be the friend you need me to be, all the same."

Yeah, if it's a contest of dramatic proclamations, there's no way I can win in the end. And my feelings when she said that, I certainly expected to have a mixed and untidy reaction to that love of hers. But it was my doubts, not my fears, which were striking in that moment. They weren't the ones I'd expected.

It's too easy to get caught up in the moment, after all. Perhaps this is how Mai managed to walk around in circles caught between two guys for so long, this serious and earnest stuff isn't easy to deal with. I mean, it's about our society. It's always so rare where someone speaks really seriously and commits themselves to something, after all, so you can't help but blink and notice whenever that happens. Wasn't Takeda the same? At least I had a clear resolve in that case, I guess, but when it's Shizuru I've never been very clear of anything. She's that kind of person, ambiguous. Hardly surprising, all things considered. And for us two, as well, when we have to cover ourselves at all times, and we try to take things lightly all the time, because it's the only way to accept our past and what we don't like about ourselves, it's completely different when we talk straight. Because of that, at least, I'll always have to pause for thought. This is where my prized instinct runs out.

Either way.

Yep, stepping from rock onto quicksand sucks, after all.

"Natsuki?" Shizuru asked.

"Sorry," I said quickly. "I was just- well, I know that. It's fine."

"Ahh," Shizuru said vaguely, looking away. "I know. I'm-"

"Apologise one more time and I will knock you out," I said, slightly flustered. I'd totally given her the wrong impression, again. So much for the value of good intentions. "You've been doing that too much recently, no matter how many times I tell you to stop it."

"Sorry."

I was going to say something very rude indeed, and then I noticed that she was smiling. I snorted instead, crossing the room and throwing myself into the chair opposite her. "As long as you bear that in mind," I said warningly.

"But you know, you really should do some work."

"That doesn't suit you, either! I forbid you to tell me to do work!"

"That one, I can't accept," Shizuru replied. "It's a lot of fun to reproach you gently, after all."

"Always with the excuses to tease me. You're obsessive." Our eyes met, and we both smiled. It was very easy and comfortable to fall into that routine. Playing with each other, cat and mouse, and playing with words as well. Gentle teasing, fluttering and light. And I'm sure that's fine, in a small and meaningless way. But is that enough?

Man, how am I supposed to know? Why doesn't someone else tell me, already? I'm running out of answers.

* * *

Sometimes I think that it's a little unfair, really. Even if it was I, did I really deserve this?

"But yeah… I'm sure I actually had something to talk about." Natsuki scratched her cheek, looking twitchy. "I got a little side-tracked."

Even after rejection, flame, hell and endless regrets, I can't look upon her face and say any honest truth but that one. My love for her, still so stubborn and defiant and miserable and undying.

"That was a very long way to be side-tracked," I said lightly, forcing a smile. "And if that was a minor topic, I have no idea what matter of celestial importance Natsuki considers the main subject of this conversation. God, perhaps?"

"Yeah, yeah," Natsuki replied quietly. "It isn't as important. It's totally your fault for being stubborn again."

"Sorry."

"I'm not going to rise to that, because now you're definitely just trying to annoy me," Natsuki said, glaring at me with that stern gaze of hers. "I guess this is payback for earlier."

And I tremble inside, but not out of fear. "Perhaps," I admitted, smiling and giggling gently. I held my hand in front of my mouth, but this time I managed to control myself before I started to cough my lungs up.

"Definitely, and without doubt," Natsuki said, turning her head away with a sulky pout.

She's not a picture hung on the wall of my heart. Her everything, moment by moment, strikes deeper and deeper, never recalled so sharply as when I remind myself of those worlds. Moving, not static. Flowing like a river of tears, and ten thousand times more beautiful. She isn't anything like an angel or a goddess, either. Just a human girl, so tangled and contradictory and imperfect and mesmerising. It's her motion, her delightful whimsy personality that holds my gaze on her face. "So?" I asked lightly. "What is it that you wanted to talk about?"

She shrugged, coughing slightly. "Well, I guess you could call it a favour, or something. I don't know, though."

Free and bold and so alive. I could never hold her, not because she is above me in any way, but because she's so overwhelmingly herself. Someone who makes the world go at her pace by stubborn, awkward force of will.

"Well?" I asked, forcing my expression into another blank smile. "I can't read minds to grant favours, I'm afraid. Even if it's from Natsuki's open and honest face."

She blushed, as I thought she might, and gave me a look. "I was getting to that, already. Jeez. But, you know, I was talking to Mai earlier…"

Thank you for your hard work, Okasama. I'm a little incensed that you can get Natsuki to do something, though. That feels like it should be my prerogative.

Not that I'm very good at it either, but I try harder.

"Ara? Is she well?"

"She's fine, the same as ever. You know her, she's not the kind of person who really changes very much." Natsuki shrugged, smiling slightly. "Oh, and she thanked you for the suggestion with Reito. Apparently, that's working out well for everyone."

"I'm glad," I replied briefly. And this feeling, as well. Everything about this is a little ridiculous, but being just a little jealous of Mai-chan is the stupidest thing at all. Normally, I wouldn't see as any kind of threat, and on top of that, she's Tate-kun's boyfriend. Sadly, my logic decamps in Natsuki's presence, and I'm just stuck with these muddled emotions.

"Now she's complaining about Takumi, actually," Natsuki said, smiling slightly. "Apparently they don't see each other very much now, because he's so busy with his girlfriend. You know, the ninja assassin boy-girl."

"That's a little ironic, considering it was Mikoto-chan before," I said lightly. But it's not that I regard Mai as an explicit rival, after all. Natsuki wouldn't consider it either. I just want to monopolise her time, even as I try to push her away. Isn't that nonsensical?

"Right? I said that, as well, and she said something about never sexually assaulting Takumi."

I frowned, trying to concentrate. Small problems would be useful to distract myself. I need to pull myself together, for her sake. I shouldn't get twisted up in this just because she said some kind things. "Nothing occurs immediately, as this is a more delicate case," I said quietly. "In the first case, it's probably not one-way, is it? Mai-chan has Tate-kun, after all."

"You don't have to think of a solution or anything," Natsuki said hastily. "She said it wasn't a big deal in the first place."

"Is that so?" I asked quietly. "But just leaving it will probably annoy me all afternoon, though."

Natsuki sighed, smiling at me. She relaxes so fast, even if she's around me. "A carry-over from your days as Kaichou, still a control freak."

Or else she's better at hiding herself now, and my sight worse. Either way, I appreciate the gesture.

"I was never a control-freak," I protested. "That's a little unfair. In fact, several people would say that delegation was all I was good at."

"Not the same thing," Natsuki said. "Even if you delegated everything, you knew what would happen, right? You still had everything under control."

I laughed. "Well, that's only partly true, when Suzushiro-san's personal qualities consistently exceeded even my expectations. She was and remains a truly brazen person."

"You counted on that as well, though," Natsuki said reproachfully. "Anyway, that's not important. Where was I?"

"Mai-chan and her brother," I replied promptly.

"Right. Well, that isn't the point. Because… you know… Mai's Mai," Natsuki said evasively. "They aren't planning to go anywhere in the summer, which seems like a bit of a pity. So I was wondering whether it would be okay for them to come here?" She looked away quickly. "I mean, it's your call. It's your house, and all. Though Viola seemed okay with it."

"Okasama did?" I said, in my best surprised voice. "That's a little unexpected."

"Yeah," Natsuki admitted, looking embarrassed.

"I suppose she's a little lonelier than she lets on, and wants some company around the house," I replied thoughtfully. "I've never brought friends home before, after all."

"Really?" Natsuki asked, blinking at me. "Never?"

"Of course," I replied amicably. "If I had, it would have been you anyway. But I don't think you'd have found our rather strange ways easy to accept."

"So some things haven't changed. But that's not important. I was thinking… Mai, Tate, Mikoto, Reito… and I guess Shiho would have to come as well," Natsuki said. "But you don't have to."

"That sounds fine," I said, smiling easily. "You shouldn't be so bashful about asking, either. I'll persuade Otousama, and that should be fine."

"Okay. Thanks, Shizuru."

Always, always that sincere smile. Like a rare butterfly, an elusive and beautiful expression. I shook my head. "It's nothing, after all. You're just being too diffident about it. Just say things loudly and clearly, right?"

Natsuki flushed slightly, turning her head away. "Yeah, right…"

I laughed at that expression, and started to cough again. It's not pleasant, when laughing hurts. Relishing the subtle ironies and outright ridiculousness of this world is important.

Natsuki watched me worriedly for a moment, waiting for me to stop. "Honestly," she repeated, more gently than before. "What are you going to do now?"

I leaned forwards despite myself, managing to prod her on the shoulder across the distance between us. "Make you do some work, of course. We still have a little time before dinner, and I think you've run out of material for stalling. So give up without a struggle!"

"Hey, get off," Natsuki complained, trying to squirm away. "I told you, didn't I? I don't want to hear that from you anyway-"

"Ojou-sama."

I blinked, turning away and composing myself. It wasn't Hideko, either, but one of the household maids I barely knew. A little embarrassing. "Yes?" I asked, keeping my tone even. "What is it?"

"A message from Viola-sama, Ojou-sama," the maid remarked, bowing her head. "Shinri-sama has been tied down with work again, and will not be home until a very late hour."

"I see," I replied. "Thank you for the message."

She bowed and withdrew, and that's when I fell back in my seat and started laughing softly.

"Shizuru?" Natsuki asked. "What are you doing now?"

"Nothing," I replied, glad that my mirth had been too low-key to start another fit. "It's just a little ironic, that's all. I suppose this is karma."

"Huh?" Natsuki blinked, giving me a puzzled look. Then she frowned slowly. "What, did you-"

"It isn't important," I replied. "It's a little moot now. Perhaps I'll go back to sleep."

Natsuki sighed heavily. "You know, I don't get that in the first place. You weren't planning to fight or anything, right?"

"Not even I'm that rash," I replied. "But…" I stopped and sighed. "Well, its not new that circumstance and personality has made it hard for me to prove myself to him."

"What do you have to prove to him anyway?"

"Rather less than I have to prove to you and myself, so think nothing of it." I leaned back, sighing. "I still have a long way to go."

Natsuki pouted. "Sometimes I think you don't listen to me at all."

"No, I listened to you." I glanced at her through half-closed eyes. "What I said is a completely different concept from not going anywhere at all."


	26. Chapter 26

**Windows of the Soul: Part Twenty-Six**

I had fun with this chapter. An inedible non-tangiable internet cookie thing to anyone who can understand Viola and Shinri's exchange, for a start.

Next chapter may be delayed due to RL commitments.

* * *

Bad dreams mean I can't relish sleeping. Good dreams mean I can't relish waking. Speaking in a practical way, I wouldn't mind if I always slept hard and without dreams, and woke without being troubled by fading, hazy images that remain.

Always of her, now.

What had she looked like, in that dream? I can see her, certainly, but not her face or her voice. Was she smiling? Was she crying? Or laughing amusedly at me, or frowning in a contained way, or blushing delicately with expressive red eyes. Perhaps her face was torn and guilty, her expression haunted with herself. Most likely, she'd be wearing that quiet, neutral expression. Her eyes told of pain and dignity, but not without some happiness, some recompense. That would not surprise me. What I don't doubt is the fact I was the one she was looking at, directly or out of the corner of her eye or in her thoughts even as she evades my gaze. I have come into her world, and now my dreams must take that shape. I see her, and wish for her to see me, and her presence haunts me as her past haunts herself. It's a rather strange situation, really.

Mornings really piss me off, as they make me think of difficult things. And I can't have any optimism, either, like this. Struggle all I like, is there a meaning in that?

Yeah. Not a morning person.

"Good morning, Kuga-sama."

I groaned slightly, rolling over. "Morning…" I wasn't even shocked by the intrusion. How fast we change.

"If you feel well, Kuga-sama, you should rise as soon as possible. Breakfast is in forty-five minutes, and it will take a little while for you to get ready."

I forced myself up to a sitting position, sighing and pulling my cheeks to clear my mind. "Don't call me Kuga-sama," I instructed. "Kuga-san is fine."

The maid nodded. "As you wish. I have selected clothes that you brought with you for you to wear, and taken the others to be washed. I hope that is acceptable."

"That's fine," I said vaguely. Personally, I'd thought that wearing those clothes for one more day would be fine, but it's not a big deal. "How is Shizuru?"

"Shizuru-sama is still asleep. Viola-sama told us to let her rest."

"That's sensible," I replied. Not even Shizuru can do something stupid while asleep, as far as I know. "Alright, I'm getting up, I'm getting up. Give me a minute."

"Do you want to take a bath before breakfast, Kuga-san?"

"I'll go without," I muttered, looking around the room. When a place I've slept in for more than a day is as tidy and orderly as Mai's room, then you know someone's being paid somewhere down the line. It took me a moment to find where she'd neatly folded the clothes I was supposed to wear, a moment I spent fighting a nagging sense of displacement. Disorder can be orderly, as well. And quite apart from anything else, she would do well not to open the box where I keep my gun.

I dressed quickly, combed down my long hair in a perfunctory way and cleaned myself up. I did all that myself, as well. I'm not someone like Shizuru who can easily accept people doing things for me just because. Or, in other words, I'm normal. She sure has an easy life.

I glared at my reflection, scrutinising it carefully. It's not vanity if you're killing time. As I'd feared, there were subtle shadows under my eyes. Nothing like Shizuru, damnit. I try my best not to be a hypocrite. But I couldn't get to sleep last night, that's all. That's allowed. And I can see the future, which has someone calling me on that. Probably Saaya, but Shizuru is also a possibility. Or even worse, they might just notice and say nothing. I suppose it wouldn't be a big deal, but it's something to think about. I'm learning to think about the small things. Shizuru likes saying big things in small ways, and looks for the same meaning in others, after all. If she was speaking in French, I would have to learn that as well. But non-verbal communication has always caused me problems. I have to work hard, and take on the mindset of people who see facial sincerity as a vague weakness to be watched hawkishly. I remain normal, but her life can also be hard, something spun from her peculiar eccentricities. If she makes her own life hard, is it appropriate to sympathise, or just to roll my eyes?

I stared into my own eyes, and tried to see inside myself. I could do with a few simple answers, but looking in a mirror doesn't clarify anything. I checked my watch, sighed slightly, and left. No more time to worry, or stand and look at myself and think. I might as well be polite, anyway. Food is food, and some genial nonsense from Viola and Saaya wouldn't go amiss right now. Side-stepping a problem works pretty well in the short-term, if my usual headlong charge doesn't get the right results. What I can see with greater clarity now is everything my past has taught me, though. One important thing is to let that remain a short-term solution, not a permanent one. It's only as permanent a solution as running into a maze with no exit is to evade pursuit. For those who haven't tried, it doesn't work for long.

I left my room and made to walk down the corridor, then stopped and frowned. If I focused as I walked closer, I could hear her soft breathing through the door. That was how thin the damn walls were. My hand touched the door then stopped momentarily. A few seconds later, I opened the door just a crack, leaning forwards and looking through. Of course, she was asleep, her body tangled comfortably in the covers, her flushed face staring at the wall with closed eyes. It was an endearingly human sight, quite apart from the great Kaichou-sama.

I closed the door hurriedly and turned away, sticking my hands in my pockets and heading down the corridor. No need to repeat those thoughts about her sleeping face again.

I walked down the corridor, brooding about not brooding. Or something equally fruitless.

"Good morning," I said idly, sliding the door open and stepping into the dining room again.

"Ara. Good morning, Kuga-san. You're just in time," Viola remarked pleasantly. Saaya just smiled and nodded at me, saying nothing.

Shinri looked at me for a moment, frowning slightly. "Good morning," he said shortly, before returning his attention to his wife.

I blinked, walking over to my place and sitting down without saying anything more.

"That will do for now. All else can keep for later," Shinri said to Viola.

"As you wish, dear," Viola replied evenly.

"Am I interrupting anything?" I asked politely. Somehow, it felt like Shizuru would ask that out of courtesy. And more than that, Shizuru would also ask to try and learn something, too.

"Not at all," Viola replied, smiling at me. "Just our usual boring business talk. More to the point, do you know how Shizuru is?"

"She's still asleep, I think." I shrugged. "She didn't look too bad, but it's hard to tell when she's asleep."

"As long as she's getting some rest. Isn't that good, Shinri?"

He nodded briefly. "Yes."

"He was worrying about that," Viola confided in me. "I don't blame him, as bad habits are all too easy to keep, and hard to drop."

"I guess so." I caught the look he gave her, and put the words together, and started to feel a little like a Fujino. "Do you have work today, Fujino-san?" I asked, looking at Shinri and using my best polite voice.

"No. I have various things to take care of here, instead." He kept his tone a little cold, probably remembering our earlier argument. Not that I cared or anything.

"I see." A vague answer for a vague answer.

"I take it we won't disturb Shizuru prior to breakfast?" Viola asked.

"Naturally," Shinri replied. "There's a limit to formality. But if that's the case, as you're implying, we might as well eat now."

"That sounds good to me," Viola replied, smiling. "Though it's really too bad about her illness. It's been a long time since we last ate our meals as a family, and now we can't do that even now."

"It can't be helped," Shinri said neutrally. "She should recover soon enough, and then we can do that. Everything in good time."

"In spite of such a proverbial reminder, I still feel like a child who has just heard that Christmas has been deferred," Viola said, her tone almost childish in its enthusiasm. "That's rather disappointing. Well, at least I can pretend that Kuga-san's my daughter, too."

I flushed. "That's rather an abrupt promotion."

"It's not an illogical sentiment, when one considers your bond with Shizuru," Saaya said dryly. "Isn't it a strong one?"

"I wonder about that," I said evasively, a little unnerved by the sudden attention. Listening was a lot easier. And those damn knowing eyes of hers, with such an aura. As if she knows everything about you.

"Almost sisterly." Saaya chuckled slightly at my expression. "And now she looks like I've said an unpleasantly personal thing. I'm sorry, Natsuki-chan."

"If say something like that, anyone will be unnerved," Viola chided, without sounding like she really minded at all. "You should be a little more polite."

Shinri turned away, watching the servants bringing in breakfast for a moment before he turned back, satisfied. "You had your part in it, as well, but I don't see any harm in it. I have a modest interest in that myself, and Kuga-san's reasons for coming here."

And he's always pleasant like that, as reliably as Saaya's strange sense of humour. I picked up my chopsticks, frowning. "I was worried about her. Under the circumstances, that doesn't seem unreasonable to me. And I can do some things that parents can't, after all."

"I can see that. From what I recall, Shizuru does hold you in some regard." He gave me a thoughtful glance. "That may well be the case, in which case I will be indebted to you."

He didn't sound like he thought that was the case, but I decided to take what I could get. "Not at all," I replied politely. "This isn't something I'm doing for you as such, after all. It is what I want to do myself."

Shinri glanced at me for a long moment, then exhaled and returned his gaze to his feed. "That was fairly well-said." He picked up his chopsticks and began to eat.

"And that's a compliment. That's why I was thinking so wistfully of this missed chance, though," Viola remarked. "Aren't things more interesting like this?"

"I'm not intending to provide entertainment," Shinri noted.

"When you use that serious tone of yours, I can't help but feel that. It's just a little too pompous. Of course, Natsuki's earnest tone is fine as well, and altogether it's quite dramatic." Viola looked between us, resting her head on one hand. "Do you think hedgehogs play with chestnuts? I think that would be quite a sight."

I just looked blank, but Shinri actually chuckled quietly. Presumably I was missing something. "I wonder. I'm sure they'd have to consider it an important matter to persist, after all. Should I turn to other things?"

"Turn a phrase and entertain me a little," Viola suggested. "Or else, indeed, to something else. Isn't it a little early in the morning for discussion in depth?"

"You have a point as well, so don't exclude yourself from us in that respect," Shinri said, smiling again. "With that sharpness I'll defer without regretting anything. Did you have anything in mind?"

"And I'll defer to that turn." Viola sipped a glass of orange juice, looking thoughtfully at me. "Your subject wasn't bad, though. With Shizuru as herself, and my discourtesy, but I don't actually know a huge amount about you, Kuga-san. Would you mind talking about yourself?"

"If you like," I replied blankly. I was still trying to get over the fact that he could smile, but I don't know him very well. He's just a person who makes a habit of frowning. I suppose I used to be like that, and people used to think cynical things of me as well. "I don't think I'm very interesting, though." And that was a lie, but I would do my best to avoid mentioning the most important things.

"Are you going to university next year?" Viola asked.

"No. I have one more year of school." I smiled awkwardly. "Though I am Shizuru's age, so it wasn't a bad guess. An illness put me out for a year when I was a lot younger."

"That's very unfortunate for you. Nothing permanent, I hope?"

"I'm fine now. It was a one-off, and I spent most of that time sleeping, of course. It wasn't that bad." I rubbed my chin, picking up a piece of egg. "Something like that happened this year as well, so if I don't do well on my exam retakes at the end of the holiday I'll be held back another year. I'm a little unlucky."

"Very much so. That's very tough for you, Kuga-san. Do you think you'll be able to do it?" She sounded rather curious. But I guess Shizuru didn't tell her even this much about me. That's a little annoying, in a peculiar way.

"Well, I'm working hard, and Shizuru's been helping me a lot. I suppose you could say I have a vested interest in that respect, if nothing else."

Viola laughed. "I see. I'm glad, as well, that Shizuru's being helpful for you. It will give her something to do."

"She's a kind girl," Shinri said briefly. He'd been watching quite closely all this time, which was a little bothering. I guess one smile more or less doesn't stop him from being a sour old bastard.

"Of course. She's always been seen in that light, by many people, especially after her time as Kaichou." I frowned. "For my part, I owe an awful lot to her in many ways. That's why I'm trying my best to be helpful to her, as well."

"I'm sure she's very grateful." Viola smiled slightly. "I've often found that when people have aloof tendencies, they just appreciate those people who treat them normally all the more. Don't you think?"

"Perhaps," I admitted. I don't think that was her intention, but I'm reminded again, predictably enough. For my part, that was true. And it was Shizuru who came to me. "I wouldn't call her aloof, though. That's a little unfair. She just does things in her way, and thinks for herself."

"That is what I'd expect from her," Shinri replied.

I ate a mouthful of rice, watching him thoughtfully. I still can't work that man out.

Viola smiled, looking at me in her certain way. "In any case, Kuga-san, I'm grateful. As I said before, please look after my daughter."

"But is she the younger or the older sister?" Saaya asked playfully.

* * *

"Ara, Ara. Is it you who called me out here?"

In a voice that was younger and freer, even though my own feelings had begun to burden me. Nonetheless an easier time.

"That's right, Shizuru-Hime." He looked up at me without any sign of intimidation, something that vaguely surprised me.

His voice that bore a twisted darkness lightly, a voice I'd use in my turn. His hand on the blade that I would use in my turn.

I simply watched him, as by now I could feel the uncongenial nature of the situation.

Fear and expectation, heavy in air made pregnant by the mysteries I'd already accepted.

"Do you need power, Shizuru-Hime?"

And at that moment, the ground I stood upon crumbled beneath me.

That is the past. Would you call it the beginning? Or was the beginning the moment I met Natsuki? I don't know. Life has only one beginning, and one end, and between that time I can only talk of twists and turns. But sometimes I feel that my life had a plot, something beginning even in my childhood and moving inexorably towards a tragic conclusion. Fate, I suppose. Was I fated to become a demon? That is a naïve way to absolve me of my responsibility. So many choices, when I took up that blade, before that day and after it. Nonetheless I walked down this road, which must be considered one of the worst possibilities in the light of everything I had been given. Though there are worse endings, and I'm too small and too faithless now to determine different possibilities, different chances. And my ending was rewritten, a new beginning pencilled in. Sometimes it is easy and sometimes it is hard to be grateful for that. While I am alive, increasingly, I must live, and worry about that alone. What I need now is the power to move forwards without regrets, as she needs me to do, and be everything she needs me to be. Even if we will part, that is my last way to protect her. I will be more successful in that than before.

Never knowing if I'm asleep or awake, dreaming or remembering, thinking or feeling, hurting my body or my soul. My days and nights are intertwining, forcing me onwards and back. Without certainties, but with comfort. The hardest thing to do that is the only thing I could ever do. In such ways, the streams of my life flow into the sea soundlessly. And everything from these moments are for her. Increasingly, with this closeness that feels like any other we've experienced, I step deeper into that state. I can say with all of my heart that my truth hasn't changed. And my resolve to protect her, that which made me raise that blade before, is still the same. With those things remaining, I am afraid. So before, so again, so it is said. I don't want that to be so. It's really scary.

It's fear that destroys me, so this time, I'll be stronger.

I know she's close by. But right now, a little more sleep is fine. Apparently, my attempts to push sleep away did not change her affection for me, and now we are forcibly reunited she is loath to let me go for any length of time. Now that is an amusing and familiar story.

Regular breathing. The rustle of paper. Such a gentle ambience is enough for now. After a few minutes, a chair scrapes back and her footsteps echo across the room. Looking upwards with hazy, half-closed eyes, her legs figure prominently, wearing jeans again. I closed my eyes firmly.

"Are you awake, Shizuru?" she asked, half-quietly and half-suspiciously.

Being woken up by a beautiful girl, a postcard for male fantasy. It's just too bad that I'm also a girl, after all. "A little," I replied quietly. "I might sleep a little more, though."

"Well, if you say so. I was just surprised that you'd wait this long."

I blinked a little at that, trying to focus on something other than my rapacious thoughts. "What time is it?"

"Don't worry about it," Natsuki said airily. "Just rest up some more, it's fine."

She turned her back hurriedly, but I reached out with my right hand and seized on her ankle before she could escape. "What time is it?" I repeated.

"Uh, quarter to eleven," Natsuki replied, smiling uneasily down on me.

"Just how long did you people let me sleep?" I demanded, bracing my other hand and pushing myself upright in one motion. My hair fell about me, falling untidily over my eyes.

"Ow. That hurt, you know," Natsuki complained. "I almost fell over."

"I'm sorry," I replied automatically, pausing and taking a breath. A second later, I stood, staggering slightly as the blood rushed from my head. I breathed in rapidly, trying to dispel the nausea twisting in my gut.

Natsuki grabbed me around the arm, holding me tightly. "Don't do unnecessary things," she said shortly. "It's a holiday, after all. I've slept in much later on days like this. At least until I had so much work to deal with, anyway."

"Sorry," I said, without sounding very sincere, even to myself. "But this is a little too late, for me. Even if it's only reading… I should do anything but be asleep at this time of the day. Anything else is unreasonable."

"Says who? Just you?" Natsuki sighed, pouting at me. "You're still being stubborn and difficult, but I'm used to that by now. In any case, are you really surprised at this? You owe your body, so sleep quietly."

"Your concern is appreciated, but even so," I replied. "This is… important…"

Natsuki stared at me for a long moment, then turned away. "I'll fetch Hideko. She's helping out Saaya and Viola… your mother, I mean. Training or something, but I'm sure she'll be able to come quickly enough."

"No, it's fine. You shouldn't bother her." I smiled weakly, my head clearing. "I don't want you to receive the impression that I can't dress myself, after all. I'm not quite that hopeless."

"Okay. I'll wait outside. Call me when you're done."

I nodded loosely, watching her go, then cast around for my kimono. It had been returned neatly to my wardrobe, of course. So Hideko has been in here this morning after all. I shall have to have a word with her later. Even if I am ill, there are some standards. A lady does not sleep half the day away while her guests wait patiently, illness or no illness. And hopefully, I don't talk in my sleep. It would be too ridiculous and unfortunate for Natsuki to hear some of the things I could say.

That, and this door between us right now, are parts of the same thing. The degree of separation that will always remain between us. At best, intimate friends, but never intimate.

My hands moved quickly through the necessary motions. I'd lost none of my deftness, if the matter in hand was putting on a kimono. That was and remains one of the many things expected of me. I called her back after I pulled my obi tight.

"Not bad," Natsuki remarked. "Pity about the hair."

"Very devilish," I replied, smiling a little more easily now my strength was returning. My limbs felt just a little lighter, as well. "Don't make me force you into a kimono as well. Believe me when I say that I have spares to hand, including something nice in blue."

"Do I look like a doll to you?" Natsuki demanded, pouting and folding her arms. "You can't just dress me up as you please."

"I can't undress you as I please, either," I shot back. "It's a little disappointing."

Natsuki flushed like sunrise. "Shizuru!" she protested.

I laughed gently. "Sorry, sorry."

"The person who's only just woken up isn't allowed to say things like that," Natsuki replied, walking across the room and sitting at my desk again.

"I'm only surprised that you were there to see that," I replied. "This room is a strange place to study in. Did Natsuki miss my face that much?"

"No. Your snores were a good accompaniment to this stuff," Natsuki replied stubbornly. "And moderately more interesting, as well."

"There's no need to make excuses for yourself," I said slyly, heading for the en-suite. "But if you want to be delicate, I can let that be."

"Not everyone has picked up your habits, you know."

I blinked with a heavy memory, my face falling slightly. But she couldn't see that when my back was turned. "I suppose so," I replied quietly, stepping through and closing the door.

After that, I leaned back and closed my eyes for a few seconds. I felt unpleasant, to talk in that way. But that wasn't the surprise thing. Why was I suddenly so at ease in teasing her in the same way as before, again? I know I would have suppressed that instinct even a few days ago. She really is putting me at my ease, after all.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror and wondered at that, as I combed my hair into something approaching the good order and strict discipline expected of Fujino hair. It wasn't like I could just forget something like that, though it had the same feeling. I'm not an idiot. But it was less immediate, than it had been before. It wasn't a bile that rose in my throat whenever I said anything that could be misconstrued, deliberately or otherwise. I felt vaguely that I should think less of myself for that, and in rather more concrete terms that I was being stupid to even consider _that_. What Natsuki wanted was altogether different, so if I was wasting less energy on my regrets, that could only be a good thing. I'd taken on so many sins for her that bemoaning for a foreshortened repentance on her behalf was a little ludicrous to begin with.

Even so, what I should not say, I should not say. We aren't the same, and she will still remember.

I composed my face before I returned. "Sorry for earlier," I began.

"What? You took me seriously?" Natsuki asked, sounding almost bored. "I'm usually the one who makes a fool of myself."

I blinked slightly. "Sorry?"

"Get over here and help me with this Chemistry stuff, already," Natsuki ordered. She looked up, half-smiling. "Even I'm willing to admit that I need all the help that I can get."

I hesitated for a moment, then smiled back. "Sure. Let's see what mistakes you've made already…"

I pulled up a second chair and sat down, folding my hands neatly on my lap and looking over her shoulder. "What are you looking at?"

"Plastics. It's a pain. I can't remember all the bizarre compound names. You have a trick, right?"

"A trick? That's a little much to ask, you know." I sighed, rubbing my forehead. "Write them out several times is the best thing I can say to you."

"Well, that sucks," Natsuki groused. "I hate boring stuff like that. Are you sure you aren't hiding a secret method?"

"I'm afraid not. Even I had to do that."

Natsuki smirked, glancing sidelong at me. "I like that tone of yours."

"Is that so?" I asked lightly. "I'll do my best to keep it up, then."

"It certainly feels like you'd do that with or without my permission," Natsuki said lightly. "But, hang on. You haven't had breakfast, right?"

I shrugged. "We aren't that far away from lunch, are we? I can wait."

"Ara," Natsuki imitated, glancing at me and smirking. "I'm pretty sure you were lecturing me this time last week on the importance of breakfast. Of course, you woke me up a lot earlier."

"I'm not hungry, though," I said. I wasn't quite sure why I was even arguing, actually. Perhaps just to be contrary.

"Honestly, what kind of double-standard are you trying to force on me, anyway?" Natsuki asked, leaning back in her chair and raising her eyebrows. "_I'll look after Natsuki…forget myself, of course. _Shouldn't you worry about your own body?"

I smiled, rubbing my cheek. "Well, whether it's my kindness or my lack of trust in you, but I suppose you worry me more than I worry myself."

"But I'm not allowed to worry about you more than I worry about myself, and that's just unfair," Natsuki chided. "Quite apart from the fact that it almost makes sense in my case, that's totally uneven. You shouldn't just let me lean on you any more."

"Have you ever done that?" I asked politely.

"Yes, I have," Natsuki replied. "You probably would have said something if you weren't enjoying it so damn much. So be considerate and let me consider you."

I laughed. "This argument would be a little convincing if Natsuki wasn't talking in close proximity with someone as sick as me. And I have tried to warn you, as well."

"Hey, don't misunderstand," Natsuki said flippantly. "I need you to help me with my revision. If you collapse from lack of food, that's a problem."

"I'll bask in the warmth of your consideration," I replied, leaning forwards slightly and prodding her on the forehead. "Does this count as being taken for granted, I wonder?"

"Yep. I'm pretty much taking you for granted," Natsuki agreed.

I sighed in mock-sorrow. "Natsuki is a blunt and cruel person."

"Is that so bad?" Natsuki asked lightly, looking at me. "If I'm taking you for granted, it means I trust you to stay here and want you to stay here."

"Hmm. Making something like that sound nice, Natsuki has come a long way," I observed playfully.

"Of course. I've been following you all this time, after all." Natsuki watched me for a moment, then turned away. "I'll go get your breakfast. You can wait here."

I tried standing, then decided against it when my limbs renewed their petition against my head. "Much appreciated. I'd come, but… I'm not best disposed."

Natsuki stopped by the door, looking back at me. "Fine. When you're better, though, I'll expect you to follow me at times like this."

"Does following you with my eyes count?" I mused, resting my chin on my hand.

"Nope. You do that all the time anyway, so that's just flattery." Natsuki folded her arms. "Presumably you like what you see."

To my immense irritation, I actually blushed, something that forced me to look away. "It looks like that's not such a good idea. It's done bad things to your ego."

"That's deliberate, so I can stand on the same ground as you." Natsuki turned away, grinning. "I'll be back in a minute."

I closed my eyes slightly. When I lose to Natsuki, you know that I'm ill. Perhaps it's worse than I had originally thought, after all. But she said some interesting things as well. Of course, wit is just that, without meaning.

Even that makes me happy. To be able to do this again, as we did before. No, better. It's nice if even in one small thing I can have a few moments undaunted by a cleaner, finer past.


	27. Chapter 27

**Windows of the Soul: Part Twenty-Seven**

What am I showing in this story? A dangerous question to ask a vain author... but when Reito said "even demons can be forgiven", that's this story. Without jumping universes or sweeping Shizuru's crimes under the rug and pretending nothing bad happened. Of course, it's a lot of work. But isn't that what redemption is?

* * *

"And now my family is gathered, after all. Ask, and you shall receive."

Okasama smiled sincerely, looking quite happy with herself. I suppose I should be a little guilty for the fact that I've been away for so long, but it wasn't just my decision. In any case, she has always understood that things have to be this way.

"Hm." Otousama frowned at me. "This may be unwise, Shizuru. It may be natural for a family to take such risks, and inevitable under that circumstance, but in the interests of your guest you should be more careful."

Natsuki scowled deeply. "I'm fine with taking that same risk. I've been in that proximity to her for a long time anyway, so it's no different."

"Hmm. I'm thinking that she's the reckless younger sister, after all," Saaya murmured thoughtfully. "She has that kind of attitude from time to time."

"She is looking after Shizuru, though," Viola pointed out.

"Nonetheless, it is a matter of good manners on the art of us as hosts," Shinri said, ostensibly to me. "And of course, your own well-being is a concern as well."

"I'll concede that they have a fairly even-handed relationship," Saaya said. "It comes from being so close in age." She tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Twins, perhaps? That would work."

I sipped my tonjiru, smiling on general principles. In point of fact, my head was already aching, as was my back. Keeping a straight, proper posture wasn't easy. But it was also rather nice to be surrounded by this kind of genial nonsense. That's probably what family is in the first place. This feeling. I'm not often prone to such sentimental thoughts, but for some reason I can bear with their every eccentricity right now. My whole outlook is brighter than before, and I'd be lying if I said that it was making me feel bad.

But it would be rude to dwell too long on that kind of thinking at the dinner table. I nodded slightly at Otousama. "I'm aware of the risks. But I'll take Natsuki at her word and my judgement of my own health in the same way. Of course, I'm still concerned about whether it is appropriate for me to be around you all."

"If they're twins, their personalities are rather different," Okasama noted. "As are their appearances, of course. But that's not a bad metaphor."

"For my part, I consider that acceptable. The difference between an adult male body and a teenage girl is quite significant. That's less true of Viola, but she also has no objection."

"Naturally, the younger body is the stronger one," Okasama said, turning to Otousama. "You shouldn't be too reckless, darling, you're as open to infection as I am. And very silly you will look, when you are bedridden for a week."

"I can't be ill," Otousama said decisively, closing his eyes. "I'm too busy."

"Busier and more important men have said that about dying, to no avail, I'm afraid."

"Of course. Dying is another matter altogether." Otousama checked his watch. "Being busy comes and goes, but I won't be able to avail myself of dying for at least another four years."

Natsuki sighed slightly. "Are they usually like this?" she asked quietly, frowning cutely at me.

I shrugged and smiled at her. "A little. But it's fine, isn't it? It lightens the tone."

"It's the same habit that you two girls have together," Saaya noted, looking amusedly at us. "Don't be too stuck by it. It's just their closeness."

Otousama snorted, looking at me with a controlled expression. "You know, this is a serious business, Shizuru. If you're ill when you must be busy, you must force yourself. And the circumstance of dying can be controlled, as well, by taking proper precaution. That isn't a joke."

"On the contrary, that's the best punchline yet in our running interlude," Okasama said, smiling contentedly. "If you're the straight man in such an endearing way, though, am I the boke? I'm not sure if I'm right for that role."

"Isn't he the boke?" Natsuki said sarkily. "I must have misunderstood the situation."

"That is natural enough, when you've been here so briefly," Otousama retorted, speaking with his usual calm intensity. "But we are all appropriately aware of a situation, and adjust our tones to match that. Lamentably, that kind of conscientious behaviour is all too rare from this age and generation."

"Ah," Natsuki agreed in a sharp voice. "You know, I'm not so bad at matching my tone to the person talking to me myself."

"That's very lucky for me," I said hurriedly, trying to defuse the situation with tone of voice alone. "Can I test that?" I leaned sideways, coming up close to her face and whispering sensually in her ear. "Please pass the water jug, Nat-su-ki."

To my delight, she flushed, glaring at me. "Shizuru!"

"Boke and tsukkomi," Saaya remarked idly, looking between us. "Am I the odd one out? That makes me feel lonely."

"Right now, I am sure we are all one troop of fools," Otousama remarked, leaning back and sighing. "If I'm getting older, that observation is what began this farce and why it's tiring me at once."

"Then let us aim for discourse without jabs," Otousama said, looking pointedly between him and Natsuki. "I will do my best to be a good girl, as well. And you too, right, Shizuru?"

"If that is what you wish," I replied. "Though I would just as soon make Natsuki blush again, but hobbies should be kept to my spare time, after all."

"Your stranger hobbies should be buried and forgotten, like all decent people," Natsuki muttered, folding her arms and giving me a good-natured glare. "It's tiring for me regardless of my age."

"Now, that may be something that becomes more enjoyable as one grows up," Saaya said lightly. "Technically, too, I've received no instruction."

"Then keep the peace, which is keeping your peace," Okasama said, smiling slightly. "I'm more worried about Shizuru, myself. And not in terms of teasing so much as her health, though if you are well enough to do the former the latter shouldn't concern me. I'm gentle, though."

"I'm fine." A snort came from a very close proximity. "Mostly," I amended. "Or at least, you could say that I am as well as could be expected under the circumstances."

"Which isn't very well," Natsuki muttered. "Just receive everyone's concern quietly and without trying to be cool, already."

Saaya smirked. "How strict."

"Later in the afternoon, I am having a few business associates over, Shizuru," Shinri said shortly. "They're younger subordinates who I am teaching kenjutsu."

"Is that so?" I asked, gratefully escaping from the axis of well-intentioned teasing. This was probably karma, but there was only ever one of me, at least. Well, sometimes Reito joined in a little, but he was rarely around. That doesn't count at all. "That's rather commendable…"

"Humph. They're just careerists doing it because they think it'll be to their advantage to get close to me in any way they can. I have no illusions about that." Shinri sipped his soup elegantly, pausing for a moment. "Though I will credit them for staying the course. Not everyone does."

"I keep telling you, you should go easier on the poor boys," Viola remarked, lips quirking upwards. "It's a little cruel to go at them with everything just for being young and naïve."

"Kenjutsu is a serious business. Whatever their motives for beginning, that's the first lesson they'll learn."

Oh, yes. Now that lesson, I remembered rather well. "Do any of them meet your standards for approval?"

"A few are getting better, but that's all I can say on that note." Otousama frowned at me. "If you had been in better health in this situation, I'd have you working with them."

"I'm very sorry. I would have liked that, as well." I shrugged slightly, smiling sheepishly. "But I'm afraid that even I will have to admit that I'm currently in no state to fight anyone with any weapon."

"That can't be helped. But doing anything that is truly unnecessary while ill would be altogether too foolish, so it isn't a problem. If you feel capable of managing it, though, you should come and watch us."

"He's very lonely, you know," Okasama teased. "Being able to show off to people is more fun, after all."

"If I have anything worth showing off, the watcher will probably be able to learn from me," Otousama said. He chuckled slightly. "Though I'll concede the thrust of your argument, upon reflection."

"Being honest about egoism has always been our way," I remarked, amused.

"Isn't that just even more arrogant?" Natsuki sighed. "I know that you do it all the damn time."

Otousama put the soup aside, finished. "Provided one is careful to bear one's limitations in mind, and adopts proper decorum in true formal situations, arrogance isn't a bad thing. It is a necessary condition for someone to achieve truly great things- that is, the assumption that one can do a task of that level."

"Isn't that a self-fulfilling prophecy, considering what people end up like after that?" Natsuki asked. "That's like a chicken and egg scenario."

"Well, regardless, I faithfully believe that you could achieve great things, Kuga-san," Otousama said abruptly.

"Is that so?" Natsuki asked, putting her own bowl down firmly. "The compliment is appreciated."

I chuckled softly, looking between them. Provided it didn't escalate, this much was probably necessary, between two such strong personalities. But it was a pleasant surprise, as well. The Natsuki I first met wouldn't have any patience with a third of this. But she's been growing up, after all, under my eyes.

"Before that, though, I will take a moment of your time, Shizuru," Otou-sama finished, turning to me again. "If I recall correctly, we have a few times to talk about."

I nodded briefly. "Understood. I can come whenever you find yourself as a convenient juncture."

"Without unnecessary complication, straight after this meal is reasonable for me. We can talk in the usual room."

"As you wish." I inclined my head slightly. On the whole, I would rather have saved this confrontation until my health and wit had improved. But it has also been hanging over me as a source of nervous tension in itself. Cutting that neurosis out of me would not be unfavourable, even if a confrontation was necessary. I'd just say enough to get through, and that would have to do. "You can carry on your work without me, can't you, Natsuki?"

"Ah. If that's what you want," Natsuki said shortly. She glared suspiciously at me. "Try not to be too long, though. I still need your help with a lot of things."

I nodded. "Naturally, I will do what I can in that respect."

"Then it's settled," Otou-sama remarked shortly, sounding as if the whole conversation had already been concluded.

I suppose that is already so, in his mind. If Natsuki is growing, I also have a long way to go, if I want to match that absolute confidence in his control of his world. The best manipulators don't even have to disguise their intentions to get what they want.

I have many memories, of him teaching me that in implicit and unclear ways. The consequences of that understanding, or my approximation to it, still haunt me. I never thought that the axis of my childhood and the axis of my teenage years would ever meet, and it is quickly becoming a bizarre and distracting circumstance. I don't think either of them, or anyone else here, can see that. But it's not as bad as I thought it could have been. Natsuki is strong and my parents don't hate her. If I can keep things like this, somehow, I should be able to live without any reason to apologise or be ashamed of anything passing from one to the other. Oh, my parents hold secrets I'd rather Natsuki never knew. And if my parents knew what Natsuki does, they would despise me. I can't forget that, ever, but in this strange situation I can almost pretend that they are a normal family, and her a normal friend.

Would the atmosphere be like this without her? I don't know, but it looks like her wilful stubbornness isn't so bad for me, either.

The rest of lunch passed uneventfully. That's a relative measure, though. It was actually untidy, and by turns playful, acrimonious, and dignified, depending on whoever had the floor at any given moment. But we got through without anything being thrown, which was probably something of a success. And then we dispersed. It's almost a pity, but even in this situation we don't have much time to do anything together. We've never been that kind of family, Natsuki included by honorary mention either. She has always followed me after her convenience, no more. Though I'll admit that circumstances have changed now.

Sister Natsuki, and not in the same sense as Sister Nao, though the image is just as incoherent. Is that how we appear to others?

Though I could get used to being called Shizuru-neechan. Perhaps I could ask Natsuki, later? I don't hold out great hopes, though, after all.

Those are the thoughts I had, entering that room. Brooding on what was to come would change nothing for the better, so clinging to clear thoughts was a lot better, after all.

Otousama was doing something on a laptop when I came in, working at his desk. No matter how brief the gap in time, he has always contrived to appear busy here, as if my presence is a minor interruption to be dealt with promptly. When I was younger, I went to quite some lengths to try and catch him napping or looking out the window, but never to any avail.

Those younger days are what I recall as I step wordlessly into this room now.

"Welcome," Otousama said quietly, without looking up. "You came alone?"

"Of course. That is your wish, isn't it?"

"Naturally. Sit down."

I sat down on the piano stool, looking towards his back without saying a word. My right hand ran over the smooth black wood of the frame, the smooth texture one trace amongst many of many days passed by. I was taught to play, and I would perform here. He'd spare half an ear amidst his work, and tell me how far I had to go, day after day.

"Well, I'll be brief," Otousama said eventually. "I dare say that you wish to return to your room, rest, and the company of that girl soon enough."

"Which girl is that?" I asked quietly. "There are so many about the house."

"Humph." A moment's pause, filled only by the sound of him typing. "There are worse answers."

But just once every so often, he would acknowledge what I had done. And for that reason alone, I carried on practising day after day, until my fingers were thick with calluses. I knew nothing else, and nothing of normalcy.

"Well?" I prompted. "What was it you wanted to talk about? For both of us, time isn't a resource to be used too idly. I would hate to get in your way."

"Sometimes silence is more telling than words. Now you have less time for an old man's folly, but that is to be expected of a teenage girl." Otousama stopped typing. "Your school record is of a high standard, but the discussion it demands beyond that can be kept for a later time. I have no doubt that you know what there is to say on that subject better than I do in my turn. Am I wrong?"

"That is most likely correct. I did many things right and many things wrong, in more ways that you can receive from reports alone. Who I intend to be from now on is subtly different from the person I was then. But also the same." I watched him impassively. "That should be enough in itself."

"Is that a useless contradiction, or a constructive paradox?" Otousama mused. "Either way, it is a matter for another day. And if I was to ask you about a subject it isn't fitting to speak loudly of, what would you say?"

Guilt coiled within me without ever reaching my tongue. "I would say the name Searrs loudly and clearly. Fear isn't constructive."

Otousama actually laughed. "A dull and good answer. Would that I could have said the same at your age, but our calibre was different then from now."

"Your modesty has not changed in all this time," I replied ironically.

"You, on the other hand, have become more and more like me in that respect. On Searrs, though, I would not be surprised if that circumstance has been a considerable impact on your life." And he turned his head, looking at me. "Putting your physical illness aside, are you in a state to fight with a weapon in hand?"

Kind words from a kind man. "I can fight," I remarked ambiguously. "It is important for me to continue to do that, whenever I can, as I am right now."

"Then pursue those feelings without recklessness, whenever you have the power." He returned his attention to the screen again. "And your friend, Kuga-san. What are you to her, and her to you?"

"Just friends, but best friends. Are you surprised?"

"Not by that character, but by her character. That girl has a different power from your own." Otousama chuckled again. "An impudent power, perhaps, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. But I am ambivalent about her presence in your life. Is that a good or a bad thing?"

"With or without those things, and without such calculation, Natsuki is the most important person in my life," I replied bluntly. "That isn't anything that counts the give and take, or limits itself to a zero sum game."

"Hmm." Otousama typed a few more lines. "That's less reasoned than common friendship."

"I'm not sure whether I'm truly capable of such an ambivalent thing," I retorted.

"If she matches that intense conception with her own, it would be worthwhile. Even if you are young, such bonds have considerable if transient value." He pressed enter with a click, and carried on. "Her own sincerity is harder for me to read. I wonder whether you know."

"I am an important person to Natsuki," I replied evenly.

For about a minute, Otousama said nothing at all, calmly working on the computer file. I waited in silence, undeterred. Finally he spoke again. "Play for me."

I adjusted my position, opening the piano and preparing to play. My mind raced through the reams of music I'd committed to my long and bright memory, working out what to play. And with absolute concentration, I felt the image of the first few motions flowing through me, long fingers twitching.

"This time, I am anticipating an infinitely stronger and sadder melody than you could realise before." The laptop closed with a snap. "Even just now, that is clear in your eyes and your voice. Especially when you speak of her."

"If you say anything with confidence, it will sound like prophecy," I replied bluntly. "But that doesn't make it truth."

And I played for him, and he listened. I have no idea what he truly heard in that music. He never told me.

* * *

Shinri. It isn't like I hate the man or anything. I just sincerely wish that he'd get back to throwing paperweights at his workers or whatever it is he does for a living, and leave the two of us in relative peace.

Shizuru rested in silence for a long time, after she finally returned from her special appointment. I don't like that to begin with. Too formal for his daughter, and too inconsiderate for her mood. But I suppose I shouldn't expect much sensitivity from a guy who hasn't seen his own daughter in ages, either.

Shizuru doesn't seem to question it, though. Perhaps you get used to it, after a while, and stop fighting outright against him.

For my part, it feels like I've finally reached more peaceful days. I don't want anything to disturb that, no matter what. Being around her and playing around with her, word games and card games and homework and simply talking, all of the simple things we used to do to amuse ourselves. With Shizuru, it's different. She paints the mundane brightly and just makes life more interesting, no matter what. That's probably part of her being such an amazing person, something even I'll grudgingly admit, so that even a few minutes with her count for a lot. And now that finally, finally, it feels like I've reached her on some level, I want to celebrate that. After so much fighting, I want to be spoiled a little, enjoying her lighter and better self. I don't think that's so selfish, this time around.

But it's not just that bastard is interrupting that. There's also an uneasy feeling, one that only worsened when I saw her melancholy face coming back. What we have is fine, but she's fragile and might break, if anything changes. I don't want to face that kind of apprehension and uncertainty. I don't want that bastard messing things up for me by playing with her mind or whatever he does, and leaving me high and dry.

I don't want to lose her again.

Is that so unreasonable?

But half-realised thoughts and apprehensions don't change anything, something I learned to my regret when my spare and loose thoughts for Shizuru exploded in my face. Unless I grabbed her arm and said it loud and clearly, she wasn't going to react to a worried glance. Not even Shizuru is that patient and subtle. And I can't just go and do it, of course. So now we're here.

"Is kenjutsu really that important?" I whispered cynically. "Isn't it all a bit irrelevant in the modern world?"

"It's a tradition, and develops the character as well," Shizuru replied quietly. "But unlike the modern arts, it also is true to the purpose. It's an art where you learn how to cut people to small pieces, if you have no other way out. It was of much use to me, if not Otousama."

"Honestly, as if a gun wouldn't just be better…" I muttered.

"If you say so," Shizuru said diplomatically. "But this still has its place in civilian life. In any case, we shouldn't talk more than necessary. As Otousama said, this is important."

I sighed, stroking my knee with my free hand. "If you say so."

There were four of them, all young and smart-looking, dressed in loose black kimono and going through some kind of motions with bokken. Shinri walked between them, criticising aspects of their technique and generally acting very important. It seemed pretty boring, really. Okay, those bokken would hurt, and did hurt when they screwed up a few times. But it was just going through a bunch of pre-arranged motions, after all. That's no better than dancing, in my eyes.

And then Shinri took over, while someone else stepped back. He, at least, was fairly impressive. It was still difficult to follow, but he just seemed smoother somehow. I'm not a swordsman but I know what someone accustomed to a weapon looks like. In the same way I could draw a gun and aim within three seconds, that wooden sword was everywhere it needed to be, without apparent effort. That, at least, I'll grudgingly acknowledge.

It wouldn't stop a bullet, though.

"You know, I had forgotten."

I blinked, looking sidelong at Shizuru, who was watching avidly. "Forgotten what?"

"It isn't surprising, but Otousama is strong." Shizuru closed her eyes briefly, smiling. "Perhaps that's what he wanted to show me. He is the person I promised to fight."

"Probably just wanted to show off," I complained quietly.

And thought they'd noticed us from the beginning, we were only introduced at the end. "My daughter, Shizuru Fujino," Shinri remarked shortly. "And her friend, Kuga-san."

They all nodded their heads and approximated pleasure at the meeting. Naturally, it was Shizuru they focused on, and that was one thing I didn't envy her.

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Shizuru replied courteously, standing with her hands clasped demurely in front of her and bowing her head briefly. "I am glad that you could show me some good kenjutsu."

"Not at all," the youngest said assertively, smiling at her. "I hope we didn't bore you at all."

"On the contrary, I was entertained. Your footwork was quite excellent." Shizuru smiled back. "Though naturally, there was still a little space for Otousama to lead. I am glad you won't be making him redundant for some time to come."

"Fujino-dono is far too skilled for that, to be sure," he replied, looking just a little disconcerted. I tried not to smirk.

"My daughter is a practitioner as well, as is natural," Shinri remarked in his usual curt way. "She is ill right now, which is unfortunate. I had hoped that she might practise with us, but in any case she has her own knowledge." He turned away. "Hideya-kun, please entertain my daughter. The rest of us will change."

"As you wish," the same brat replied, keeping his voice flat. "I am honoured by your trust."

Shinri walked off without a word, leading the others away.

"Please forgive Otousama for his habitual brusqueness," Shizuru remarked, her tone almost coy. "Though I've no doubt you are used to it yourself."

"Not at all. Fujino-dono's manner is forthright, but I am accustomed to it. It has much to recommend itself."

"There's a lot to be said for being honest and plain speaking," I said shortly, looking up at him. I didn't like his face, after all. Older than us, but certainly younger than thirty. Wet, Reito-like and annoying. I didn't like his tone at all.

"Certainly, that is so," Hideya replied, looking down at me in something approaching surprise.

"I'm glad you agree," I sad wryly.

Shizuru just watched us, smiling slightly.

"How long have you been learning kenjutsu, Shizuru-san?" Hideya asked abruptly, focusing on Shizuru again.

Hey, just what's with that familiar turn of phrase, you bastard?

"I began systematic learning when I was ten, though I practised with shinai before then," Shizuru replied. "I started young, and didn't like it much. Of course, that was really only the conceptual basics. I worked myself far harder as I grew."

"From such a young age, though? That's amazing."

"Hey, Hideya," I said sharply. "When did you start learning?"

He gave me a scandalised look, but I returned his gaze blankly. Shizuru simply maintained her blank innocence when he looked for an appeal. "A year ago," he replied quietly. "Fujino-dono was kind enough to offer to teach me."

"Is that really a kindness, I wonder?" Shizuru asked playfully. "Sometimes I think Otousama is altogether too brutal and unkind in his methods."

That neutral look again, as if trying to work out a puzzle. "I certainly wouldn't go that far," Hideya replied nervously. "His methods can be somewhat harsh, but they are fair."

"Do you think so?" Shizuru frowned slightly. "Well, putting that aside, have you tried other forms? Naginatajutsu, perhaps? That's my preferred form."

"No, I'm afraid. I've only learned kenjutsu."

"That's all Otousama really teaches, of course," Shizuru remarked. "Don't you think that's a little narrow and complacent of him?"

Hideya blinked. "I suppose I haven't considered it, myself…"

I hugged my knees, watching him with a wry amusement. With retrospect, I don't need to do or say anything. A weak person like this doesn't stand a chance against Shizuru, regardless of age. If I joined in, that would just be cruel.

Sadly, Shinri returned before she could fluster him any more. "I will be calling it a day early, now," he remarked. "I have various things to deal with, and also plan to spend some time with my family, now my daughter has returned. That's all. You can go back, Shizuru."

"Thank you for allowing me to watch, Tou-sama," Shizuru remarked. "It was very interesting, in several ways."

"You go on ahead," I said to her, watching Shinri thoughtfully.

Shizuru gave me a look, but nodded and did so. It didn't take all that long for the young ones to clear off, either, while Shinri took the bokken and placed them in a rack in the corner of the dojo without acknowledging my presence.

"You know, is this strictly necessary?" I asked brazenly. "You said yourself that she needs to rest, but this is the second time today you've dragged her out for something."

Shinri turned, folding her arms. "I gave suggestions, not orders. Shizuru accepted."

"Shizuru doesn't turn people down, though. She sees it as a challenge," I said stubbornly. "And you probably know that."

"And?" Shinri asked briefly.

"So you aren't being responsible, or considerate." I folded my arms. "That's all."

Shinri snorted. "I've noticed this before, but you have an extreme capacity for discourtesy."

"I don't know of circumstances where people are obliged to be rude to me," I retorted. "So I just meet like with like. You don't have to be rude to that Hideya brat, either. But sending him over right then was a pain for all of us."

"That was consideration. I said it myself, that he was to entertain her. He probably did so." Shinri walked towards me, folding his arms. "Brats who rely on the name of their family and nepotistic connections deserve no better, and I knew I could count on her."

I snorted. "That's a pretty messed-up perspective."

"I have my reasons." Shinri stepped past me and carried on. "I don't have any time for insincere hangers-on, the kind of parasites who latch onto the rich and successful in the vague hope that they'll stand to gain from their kindness." He turned his head briefly, meeting my eyes. "Those kinds of people are trash."

"Now that, I can agree with," I replied, eyes blazing. "It's almost as bad as the kind of person who treats other people as property."

Shinri stared at me for a moment, then chuckled, turning away. "You're an aggressive and neurotic girl. But rest easy. Shizuru is my daughter, so wherever I find that kind of parasite, I'll cut them off myself. You should worry about your own affairs."

I glared at his retreating back. "Right now, I'm doing that, by worrying about Shizuru every day."

Shinri stopped by the door to the dojo, looking back at me. "Then chase after her, and not me. I've no need for it."


	28. Chapter 28

**Windows of the Soul: Part Twenty-Eight**

Once again, thanks for the kind comments. There's a split on what Shinri thinks and knows, which is probably to the good, and on just how much I know about my own story, which isn't a question I can answer catagorically either. To misapply a few words, I have a strategy in mind, but tactics are left to the muses. This chapter is all about tactics...

* * *

Sincerity. In the first instance, that isn't something I should be thinking about.

I walked back, wondering vaguely what it was that Natsuki wanted to say, when I was not around. Somehow, I didn't think it was to ask for lessons.

Well, Otousama probably wouldn't be too uncivilised. Hopefully Okasama and I could ensure that. Either way, there's something to be said for being neutral. I wouldn't particularly relish being caught between two strong and stubborn people like those two. Not to mention, two important people. From the beginning, I definitely wanted to please Otousama. And I wanted to please Natsuki, as well. In both cases nothing went quite as it should have done and I'm just left with the feeling that I've let them down, in the abstract with Otousama and in specific clarity with Natsuki. So I'm not sure that I want them to fight, or even know each other that well, after all. If it's the two of them together, how long would it be before Natsuki became sick of it? And how long would it be before Otousama found certain unpleasant things out? I know without asking that he wouldn't have any patience with my deviancies, forget my more specific crimes. He is that kind of person.

But it's fine provided he doesn't find out, and he really shouldn't, after all. I've grown an awful lot, and even though I'm hardly on the top of my game right now I don't think I've fallen that far. I'm just ascribing to him the omniscience with which any small child regards a parent, from the days when he truly could read me like a book if he had a reason to. Well, small children have small thoughts, and those thoughts are generally more… likely, than falling for their best friends and other complex, improbable and dubious thoughts. Is that innocence? But the point is that I'm worrying far too much. Because he wasn't around me as I grew up slowly, I suppose you could say I haven't become accustomed to keeping secrets from him. Simply continuing as I already am is fine.

Unless Natsuki says something. But she wouldn't. There's just no way. She wouldn't gain anything by it, and she doesn't like him either. She wouldn't tell anyone else, either, I'm sure of it.

Though if it's my family, perhaps they could probe her and play with her until she's trapped or accidentally blurts something incriminating. Especially if she gets mad. She's always been straight-forwards when she's angry, and I could well believe Otousama creating and exploiting that situation idly. But it's not like he'd know what to ask or anything.

On the other hand, am I underestimating him? It's a strange situation, for Natsuki to go this far for me unannounced. Would that be ordinary for a friend? Well, if it's just a hint, I can simply deny everything without acknowledging it. But Natsuki might be a little more open. Perhaps I should say something to her, or would that just accept her? It's not like she's stupid or unaware of the situation, so-

I stopped briefing, putting a hand against the wall and taking a deep breath. Too many circular, neurotic worries. Staying calm would be a lot better, after all.

I was also getting dizzy, though whether that was from overthinking things or from my illness, I wasn't sure. Either way, I hurried back to my room.

When I arrived, I found Hideko tidying up my clothes. She looked up when I entered and nodded. "Welcome back, Ojou-sama."

"Thank you," I replied, smiling weakly. I slid my geta off and sat on my futon again, sliding my legs under the covers. "I'm sorry for troubling you. Maintaining a room when I'm always resting here right in the middle must be a little difficult for you."

"Not at all. I'm only sorry that I am intruding," Hideko replied politely. "Please rest freely."

"Thank you." I rubbed my forehead, feeling tired. Talking to father is always draining at the best of times, and I'm willing to state that despite all logic simply watching his kenjutsu tires me out. In a good way, I mean. It's beautiful, but there's something about watching people exhaust themselves physically. It recalls the number of times that I have done that to myself, which are numerous in various circumstances. "I may do just that…"

Hideko slid the wardrobe door shut, apparently satisfied, and turned to face me. "Is Kuga-san well?"

"As well as she always is. Natsuki will probably be perfectly fine all holiday out of sheer stubbornness." I took a breath, resting my head against the pillow. "She's talking to Otousama right now. I think, or I guess. Otherwise she simply wanted to see the dojo."

Hideko leaned down, picking up my geta and placing them neatly next to the door. "I see. She's a very lively girl, isn't she?"

I smiled thinly. "I doubt that she'd like to hear that description. But she certainly has a forceful personality, if that's what you mean."

Hideko nodded. "One could call it that."

"Hopefully we can get through this holiday with Otousama and Natsuki both alive and well. I can't imagine that she intends to compliment him, if she really is talking to him." I sighed slightly and gave Hideko a wan smile. "Though I suspect that I'm fretting rather too much, after all."

Hideko nodded again. "I'm sure it will be fine. But if you are worried, Ojou-sama, you should simply tell them that. They would certainly listen."

"Is that so?" I mused aloud. "That seems rather a forceful and an elegant way to do things."

"I shouldn't think so, if you state your concerns clearly. They both care for you, and it would be more constructive than fretting alone." Hideko frowned. "Though I'm speaking out of tone. Forgive me, Ojou-sama."

I looked up at her, smiling. "Not at all. Your advice is rather welcome, actually. I guess I'm not in the clearest state of mind right now."

"Thank you for your kind thanks," Hideko said formally. "But is there anything I can get for you? A drink or a snack, perhaps?"

I glanced up at her, considering for a moment. I suppose I'm only alone and surrounded by people I need to worry about, if I allow myself to think that way. Okasama's never allowed that to be true. "Not right now. But if you can spare the time, please sit down."

Hideko nodded, sitting on a cushion by the wall and placing her hands neatly in her lap. A picture of the demure.

"You can sit closer, you know," I said lightly. "If you're like this, it makes me feel like you're keeping away from me."

"Not at all, Ojou-sama. But that is Natsuki… Kuga-san's place."

"Is that so?" I asked, turning my neck slightly. "Well, she's certainly there too often, if you put it that way. And when I consider my sickness, keeping a distance is a very good idea."

"That wasn't my intention-"

"It's fine," I said firmly. "If you'd done anything else, I might have to tell you to sit back anyway. I'm just disappointed that Natsuki's never so kind as to listen herself."

"Kuga-san has a headstrong personality, after all, if you don't mind me saying so." Hideko blinked slowly, looking at the floor. "She is not unlike you in that respect, Ojou-sama."

I chuckled. "That's true. I suppose she wouldn't be here if it wasn't for that characteristic, after all." I started coughing again, but it was lighter than yesterday, and stopped more quickly. I took a few breaths, steadying myself. "In any case, I hope you're becoming accustomed to being here again, at home."

Hideko nodded. "And for your part as well, Ojou-sama. If you'll forgive me for saying so, but you appear to be better than you were before."

"A little, though I have some way to go. My immune system's always been good."

"That's certainly true, but I was referring to your mood." Hideko kept her gave focused on some indeterminate point between us. "It's just my feeling, but you're in better spirits now. That's heartening."

"Well, I suppose that's also true," I admitted. "But it's a churlish person who can stay depressed forever, when so much attention is being lavished on them. It's good to be home, though I miss people from the school as well."

"I'm glad."

I sighed. "I've been worrying you all rather a lot, haven't I? I'm sorry for that."

"Not at all." Hideko looked up, smiling modestly. "For us, you smiling again is a far better apology."

"That's a rather feudal phrase, but I'm grateful." I took another breath, brushing the hair out of my eyes. "I'll be doing my best from now on. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm promising anything… but when a lot of people say the same thing and carry the same sense in their actions, I can feel the cares of being asked to live a carefree life."

Hideko coughed in amusement, delicately covering her mouth with the sleeve of her kimono. "Then I will take it that we're also something you worry about. That's heartening and disheartening at the same time."

"Isn't it?" I agreed. "Natsuki does that too, and so many others. I'm getting used to it."

But really, concern isn't so familiar to me as it should be. I didn't receive it often before, because Kaichou-sama needed no help and no comforting in anything she did. I wonder how different my life would have been, if I hadn't taken on that role. Well, there would have been less Natsuki in it. Probably not a great trade, all the same.

And I'm experiencing these things now.

The door slid open, and Natsuki stepped through. She had a conflicted expression on her face, and vaguely nodded at me without a word.

"Good timing, Kuga-san," Hideko said, looking up. "Do you want tea or any other drink?"

"No thanks," Natsuki remarked, sitting abruptly on _her_cushion. "But I'll have a tuna and mayo sandwich, if that's not too much trouble. I'm hungry."

"Honestly, dinner isn't too far away…" I said lightly.

"And will you have anything?" Hideko asked, standing.

"Just tea, please."

"Then please wait a few minutes. I will return shortly."

I watched her leave swiftly, wondering whether I should say something. But this is probably her consideration, after all. And her way of supporting me.

"You doing okay?" Natsuki asked, hugging her knees and glancing at me distractedly.

Watching her emerald eyes peek over the battlements of her legs was a distractingly cute sight. Not to mention, she was still in those jeans, and close, so I hurriedly looked away. "I'm as well as one could expect. I hope you haven't caught anything off me."

"I'm fine," Natsuki replied, a little unconvincingly. She looked away, her expression still thoughtful. The only thing missing in the picture was her sigh.

And I wanted, I truly wanted, to ask what had transpired, and what she was feeling. But somehow, I didn't dare. That would be too intrusive, perhaps, and I wouldn't enjoy being brushed off by her. Well, she did that all the time before. But I'm, perhaps, more sensitive now. Or do I have higher expectations? I'm not sure.

Either way, there's no way that I could blame her for my fears. For her, that's just being sensible.

Is it the same way with her? Does she have the same worries and fears, when she's worrying about whatever it is I am worrying about at any given moment? I suppose she must do that, in which case I can understand why she resents my habit of silence so much. But I'm trying, now, to be more honest with her. Does she think that way as well? I guess I don't have the right to ask, but perhaps it's okay to wonder. How much trust do we have? How much can we say without regrets?

But before such abstract things, there's what I need to do right now, which is to make her smile again. So I sat up, gathering the covers about my legs, and smiled at her as if I had no cares at all. "Do you fancy a game of cards?"

She looked up and smiled at me. For me, perhaps, as I smile for her. A smile of such caring feelings seems truer than a genuine smile.

* * *

"Alright, I'll raise you two minutes," I said, frowning at my cards.

"Hmm." Shizuru's left hand played with her hair. "I'll match you."

I looked at her thoughtfully, trying to work out that blank face of hers. Three tens was strong enough, but after a while you start to credit this girl with anything and everything you can imagine. "Two more. Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm as well as can be expected," Shizuru replied. "And you?"

"I'm fine. I'm not the sick one here, after all." I frowned. "What are you betting?"

"I'm just worried that you might be getting bored. This really isn't a household well-suited to people of our age, as I've said before, and I'm not really in a state to entertain you myself." Shizuru tapped the back of her cards thoughtfully. "It can't be helped, I guess. I'll bet five minutes and be done with it."

I looked at her for a long moment, then sighed. "Fine. I fold."

"Oh? Is that so? If you're sure." Shizuru smiled. "That's sixteen minutes extra work you owe me in total now."

"This is so unfair," I retorted, throwing my cards down. "A normal person shouldn't have to face your demonic luck."

"Do you think?" Shizuru asked, scratching her cheek. "I thought I was being a little unlucky right now. I only have two eights. Presumably you're more unlucky, though."

I groaned, rubbing my forehead. "Oh, well. That'll do for now."

"You still have fourteen minutes still to bet," Shizuru said innocently.

"Stuff it. I know when to quit." I fell backwards theatrically, looking at the ceiling. "Even if I have to do some work, I still want to have something approaching a holiday as well, you know."

"I thought that was why you were playing me?"

"Well, that was the theory. It was reckless, after all." I pouted up at her. "No normal person can beat your poker face."

"I see… well, never mind, then."

And now she's looking melancholy again. Honestly, she still plays free and fast with her own emotions. "In any case, I'm not bored," I assured her quietly. "Spending time with you without having to worry about being a Hime or my mother's daughter or a special person… I guess that's more relaxing than I thought it would be. Though I never admitted it, but those times were very stressful."

"They certainly aren't what one would expect of the average High School student, after all," Shizuru conceded gently. "But I'm sure that would come as a relief to you, wherever you chose to go."

I snorted. "Are you fishing for a compliment or something?"

"No," Shizuru replied lightly. "If I was doing that, I'd be more blunt about it. It's just an observation, which is a little true of me as well. I don't have that power any more."

"Besides, living with a family isn't bad," I said neutrally. "Even if it's a weird family like yours, it could be worse. You all deserve each other, in the sense that you all have the same difficult personalities."

Shizuru chuckled. "You may be right. But Natsuki fits this place very well, too. I was pleasantly surprised to find that out, after being worried."

"It's not really like I'm particularly similar to any of you," I retorted idly. "It just so happens that I've known a Fujino for several years. After a while, even I can get used to the way you people do things."

"Familiarity breeding contempt, is it?" Shizuru asked lightly.

"Nah. More like familiarity breeding familiarity." I closed my eyes. "Well, you all have troublesome personalities and strange senses of humour. But that suits you too. It's not a bad thing."

"I'm glad you think so. And we're getting used to you as well." Shizuru smiled at me. "I think Okasama likes you, which is nice. When she's on your side, a lot of things become easier. That was something I learned even when I was little."

"I guess so." I stretched idly. "It must be due to my magnetic personality. It's only natural."

Shizuru giggled. "I wonder about that."

"It's just too bad about your old man." I sighed, looking up at the ceiling again. "I just have bad luck with guys, or something."

"Otousama isn't an easy person to get along with. He has a difficult personality, because he is honest. In general, he's willing to imply anything he likes should he think about it."

"Yep, he's a rude bastard. I've noticed that."

Shizuru laughed briefly, covering her mouth with her hand.

"What's so funny?" I demanded sulkily.

"Oh, nothing really," Shizuru replied innocently. "I was just going to say that the problem is, that you're the same as him. In that respect."

"I'm nothing like that stuck-up bastard!" I snapped, sitting up and glaring at her. "I resent that allegation."

"It isn't really a bad thing, you know," Shizuru said calmly. "Like I said, he's honest, and he doesn't go to great lengths to hide what he dislikes. Well, that's true of him inside his own home, at least. And you don't have much patience with all the things you disapprove of, either."

"My attitude isn't anywhere near as difficult as his, though," I said firmly. "Honestly, he was the one who started in the first place. Going on about me imposing on him and all that kind of smart implications…"

"Perhaps." Shizuru smiled at me, her face gentle. "It's just a little saddening, that's all. You get on well with everyone else, after all."

"Sorry, sorry. But with him it's probably impossible." I stretched, lying back again. "It's not like he wants to be friends with me, either."

"Well, if it's Otousama, I don't think he'd ever to admit to wanting to be friends with you," Shizuru said. "But that's subtly different from what you said. And he does care about me, in his own way, so…"

I sighed. "Well, if he's just being stubborn, he's being really, really stubborn."

"I know." Shizuru looked at me, her face unreadable. "I can understand that you don't have to like him, but I'd appreciate it if you were a little more gentle."

"I'll give what I receive," I remarked. "But if that's what you want, I'll try not to be too bad. I suppose it's a pain for you and Viola."

Shizuru smiled. "Well, we're used to everything. I just think it would be good for the two of you, too."

I turned my head, watching the light slant into the room through the window. Those expressions of his, and those eyes, were certainly strong. They reminded me of Shizuru, those very few times when she spoke seriously and in earnest. "You know, he told me himself, that I should worry about you and not him."

"So you did have that kind of conversation." Shizuru chuckled. "But you know, it's a little ironic. I worry about you and him. Just as you say that I should worry about myself more, but I'm always, always worried about you…"

"What did I ever do to deserve that?" I asked dryly.

"You're just a stubborn girl who acts in her own way," Shizuru said. "But I find it a little strange. If I was a friend to you, I'm sure I'd tell you not to associate with me, after all."

"Then I'd ignore you. Or whatever shape of words makes sense while saying 'that's discounted'." I closed my eyes. "I'm always going to do what I want to do. Perhaps that's hypocritical of me."

"Just a little."

"Well, strengthening my ties to the people around me sounds a lot more sensible than breaking them. I don't have any to spare, and aren't you the same as me?"

Shizuru sighed and shrugged slightly. "You have a point, of course. But even in a world where people only selfishly worried about themselves, they'd still help others. Anything else is just saddening, and we're still tied responsibly to each other's feelings."

"Rather than a hypothesis, isn't that just how the world is right now?" I asked. "Human relationships are like that."

"How cynical. But perhaps accurate."

"Naturally. So don't have any illusions about what's best for anyone. That's a lot easier for everyone." I sighed. "I say that a lot, but you never change…"

"Well, I am a stubborn girl too."

"Damn right."

She fell silent, and when I opened my eyes and glanced at her face, she was looking at me with another strange expression. A little thoughtful, and a little sad. It made me feel a little uncomfortable, but I've seen more odd and troubling expressions on her face. She's always so sad, now. "What are you staring at?"

"No, nothing," Shizuru replied quietly.

I raised my neck slightly, rolling my eyes at her. "Nothing doesn't sound that quiet."

"Well, I was just wondering if you wouldn't mind answering a personal question…"

"If it's about my bra size, I thought you learned it from _that_incident," I said flippantly.

"Your father," Shizuru began. Then she stopped abruptly. "Never mind, I'm sorry. It's not my place to ask-"

So she's in a serious mood, after all. But the sad and serious one, not the strong one. How is it that someone who takes everything lightly at face value actually makes too big a deal out of everything in her head? "We made a promise, didn't we?" I replied easily. "I'd learn about you, and you'd learn about me, and what I thought of you. I'm still holding you to that."

"Even so, if it's personal to you-"

"Shut up and accept my generosity," I ordered. "I'm in a mellow mood right now, so you're lucky, after all."

Shizuru made an amused sound. "As ever, I will wait with great expectations for the terror of you in a bad mood."

"You do that. Well, you've seen it anyway, but still." I sighed. "As for my father… there isn't much of anything to say. A year was too long for him to wait, and I was left for dead. That's all there was to it."

"That's horrible. Though I shouldn't judge anyone…"

"Judge anyone you like. He's a dick," I said bluntly. "Well, it's not like I haven't got over that. Growing up alone, and learning to fight for myself, everything leads back to him. Being happy and strong is my way of spiting him for that betrayal. Of course, he may not even be alive now. I don't know."

"Natsuki is very strong," Shizuru said quietly.

"Do you think so?" I asked, keeping my tone even. "You know, I'm not too sure. Sometimes I think that way of thinking is weak, after all. Trying to find him and know him and understand him, even if it's only a little… even if only to make the attempt… that might be a better thing for me to do."

"I wonder…"

"What do you think?" I asked.

"I don't think it's something where I can have an opinion," Shizuru said delicately.

"What a boring answer." I shrugged, turning my head away. "In any case, I'm not that kind of person. By the time I was old enough and strong enough to have a chance, whatever I might have felt for him was already far behind me. Chasing dead emotions isn't my style."

Shizuru nodded. "Sometimes it may be better to give up, after all."

"But after enough years of my damned isolation, I've learned to fight for what little I have. Those emotions that live on in my heart… I'll chase after them without sparing anything." I coughed. "Though it sounds a little lame, if I put it that way. But you get my meaning."

Shizuru snorted softly, trying to control her amusement.

"Don't laugh!" I ordered hotly.

"Sorry. But that, too, was very wolf-like as a concept. Very Natsuki, after all."

"That's who I am, so get used to it," I said sulkily.

"I suppose so." Shizuru was silent for a moment. "Natsuki-"

"What else?" I asked dryly.

"Just one more thing. Because we did make that promise." Shizuru leaned forwards slightly, holding her hands on her knees. "Aren't you afraid of me?"

I glanced at her briefly. "Afraid of you? What would be the point in something like that?"

"Well… it seems a little sensible, under the circumstances," Shizuru muttered, sounding bemused. "Not that I'm proud of anything, but I am realistic."

"Well, yeah, I was scared at first," I replied honestly. "It's not like that's not true. But it's hard to be scared of someone who looks like she's more of a danger to herself than anyone else."

"That was rather cutting," Shizuru noted quietly.

"You wanted honestly, didn't you?" I replied. "That's how it is. Besides, I'm a simple person. Rather than thinking about it rationally, I just trust my instincts that trust you. I don't need to be afraid."

"Is that so…"

"Get used to it," I advised, sitting upright and looking at her. "That's why I can feel like this, now." I smirked. "And why I find it a little amusing, as well. You're a bit neurotic right now, aren't you? Have you been thinking of stupid things again?"

Shizuru frowned. "I was thinking a little, yes…"

"Well, stop it."

"That's a little unreasonable, you know."

"No, I'm serious. Stop thinking," I ordered, straight-faced.

Shizuru laughed. "Would that make your life easier?"

"Definitely. I'm always assuring you like this, you know." I smiled slightly. "Well, I can understand why you're feeling insecure. But I hope you can believe in me a little, because I'm here for you."

Shizuru flushed, turning her head away in embarrassment. "You're too kind."

To my intense surprise and discomfort, I felt my cheeks warming as well. I guess that was a bit out of character, after all. So I fell back again, feigning a yawn. "Yeah, I am. Don't get used to it, as I have a short attention span. We were supposed to be doing History all this time, right?"

"That's right," Shizuru said. "It looks like I've let you get away with that a little. But somehow I think you'll forgive me..."

"Of course. If you want to keep forgetting, I can keep on forgiving. I'm not in a rush to do this."

"Hmm. You really need to develop your work ethic, after all."

"It's not so bad," I retorted. "I mean, it's not like I've been expelled for it."

"Yes, but I think you should have higher aspirations…"

I watched her sidelong from the corner of my eye, smiling slightly and saying the words that came easily enough. That was closer and easier than how it had been before.

In such ways, I guess, we both reclaim normalcy. I'm not sure whether that's weakness or strength under the circumstance, but it feels fine after all. We can't discuss important things all the time. And, really, the gratitude and affection I feel for Shizuru are strongest when she's doing nothing in particular. It's a strange talent she has, or perhaps a power over me. Does she feel the same way about me? I don't know, though I now know clearly the name and nature of the emotions that tie her to me. Shizuru loves me, and I can't doubt that. Now she can even say it clearly, with those serious melancholy eyes.

But this girl, who's always so sad and so earnest, sometimes smiling, sometimes frowning, sometimes turning her head away, and constrained by the chains she wraps around herself. She has a weakness and a strength, in her nature now which is so delicate and fragile, but also fierce at strange moments. Even so, the face she tries to wear for the world to see is the same as ever before, that of a strong and unflinching person. That's no less impressive, to my eyes, for the wounds and weakness I can see clearly now. I know myself how painful it can be to draw yourself upwards, above and away from the people around you, in order to protect your innermost self. A fragile self-perception, that I had then and she has now, requires that action. All the same, there's an intense loneliness, so she reaches out tentatively as well. She's afraid of me, and what I might think of her, more than I am afraid of her. Just occasionally, she'll show that side of herself. It's endearing, and almost childish. And the bounds between us are rendered complex by her thoughts, as well. She wants to be as close to me as any person can be, and she wants me to be distant from her as well. With such conflicting impulses, sometimes she reaches out, and sometimes she pushes me away. That's not unfamiliar to me, because I can recognise that in myself.

It's comfortable, to think about her, and perhaps I can see her more clearly than I can most people I know. Her breath and her eyes and her smile are also telling, moment to moment, of herself. I'm content just to watch them, for my part of our promise.

And for my part, my feelings for her, which forgave her, and felt her pain, and chased her here, and try to banish her doubts and her sadness… I don't have a name for that. My way of thinking is weak, after all, and I'm still clinging childishly to the shadows and ambiguity that remain between us. To say as clearly that I'm just a friend to her would hurt her- that's the excuse I've been using. Perhaps it would be truer to say that doing that would limit our relationship to exactly that, no more and no less, when I enjoy playing coyly with the gap between such normal feelings and her own. But I can't do that forever, either. Those ambiguous emotions, perhaps, are why I cling so much to everything I can call normal about us.

Some day soon, I will have to fairly answer her feelings with my own. Until that time, I should be searching and thinking and watching to learn more about her, and myself. But that's not completely boring, even if we're waiting.


	29. Chapter 29

**Windows of the Soul: Part Twenty-Nine**

If I am a builder, I'm putting some more bricks in the wall. And dialogue is my cement, as ever-present in my style as concrete in a brutist sky-line. But that is fine from time to time, as well. Only I do it all the damn time. Never mind...

* * *

Though I've leaned on Yamada and other professionals a lot in my time- not to mention Shizuru and everything she found for me before- it's not true that I'm useless on my own, in terms of information gathering. Okay, so I don't have an enormous patience for… well, patience, and waiting quietly, and moving conversations this way or that to learn something telling. That's Shizuru's way of doing things, which she is altogether too good at. Oh, I suppose Yukino had that kind of air as well, but that was rather forced on her part. She cheated with the Hime magic. For Shizuru, sitting in the middle of a web of thoughts and words and casual comments became a way of life, or something approximating that. Even I don't know how much she learned, and you could probably call me the spider. That isn't my speciality. I can't afford to sit still, though I have no choice now, and in any case I can be impatient with people, though I'm trying harder now, and then one more thing, I could always lean on her. If she was going to do that anyway, making use of it for my own purposes was logical. I don't think that was just something she did for me. Even for Shizuru and her dedication, I think it's a natural process. She's that kind of personality. Even now, in that room of hers and ostensibly sick, I bet she knows an awful lot of what is going on around here. There's something about her that makes people tell her their truths.

All of this is rather beside the point, though, a simple exercise in mental diversions. What I was going to say, is that I can learn of things. If I know clearly what it is I need to know, and apply myself, I can find out. That's what I did just now, without saying even a word to Shizuru. There are some things I shouldn't trouble her with, for her health and for my dignity as well.

But there's no such thing as secrecy in this household, which has five servants for every member of this dysfunctional, acrimonious "family". So it's really quite simple, to learn something simple like this. Hopefully, the word won't reach Shizuru. It probably will, though. There are some respects where she really hasn't changed, and I suspect this is one of them.

I put that aside and folded my arms, leaning against the wall and waiting patiently. It was early in the morning, damned early, and that didn't suit me at all. Well, Shizuru's awakenings in better times came not so long after this, and the awakening of various circumstances of all kinds conspire to make me well-used to being up at indecent hours, waiting for something. In fact, this whole venture is a little nostalgic, making me feel like I have a purpose again. And at least the air was almost warm, and the sun clear and bright. Winter is worse.

The front door opened, and that man stepped out. "Look after everything," he instructed shortly, looking back over his shoulder.

I frowned at his profile, trying to get used to it. Shinri in a suit really was bizarre, after all. I've become altogether used to him dressing in a kimono, and straddling the interior of the house like some exceptional, timeless samurai or daimyo. Seeing him like this made him appear relatively ordinary. "Good morning."

Shinri frowned at me. "This is an unusual circumstance."

I pushed off the wall. "I was waiting for you. I just wanted to apologise for yesterday."

"Oh?"

"I went too far. You are her father, so for her sake at least, I shouldn't be like that." I folded my arms. "It's not like that means I think I was wrong, though. I'm just talking about my manner."

"I see." Shinri started to walk down the path. "I'll accept that apology. But please don't expect me to give one in return."

I scowled, following after him. "You really are graceless, aren't you…"

"This isn't a matter of gracelessness," Shinri replied in a clipped tone. "I have never made a habit of insulting people with insincere apologies, made purely for the purposes of form. If I ever decide that you deserve an apology, I'll give you it then. Not before, and not through some perceived reciprocation."

"Somehow I get the sense that you don't apologise to anyone very often," I replied dryly.

"That is irrelevant. In any case, I told you clearly, did I not?" Shinri glanced at me, continuing to walk fast. But I could keep up, of course. "The only person you should concern yourself with under these conditions is Shizuru."

"I'm bearing that in mind, though it's what I would have done anyway," I replied. "It's also what I was doing when we had that argument yesterday. But you're an important person to Shizuru, so I'm doing what needs to be done."

"I'm moderately surprised that your pride allows you to do even this," Shinri remarked impassively. "You struck me as a very arrogant person."

"Say what you like, but arrogance doesn't _have _to be equivalent to stupidity," I shot back.

Shinri snorted, looking away. "In any case, I have to go to work, and don't have much time for spare banter. I take it there wasn't anything else of significance?"

"One more thing, if I can trouble your ever-busy self," I said, with just a hint of irony.

"Oh?" Shinri stopped and looked at me. "Well?"

I gritted my teeth. "I have a request. Teach me kenjutsu. Please." I stared defiantly into his eyes.

Shinri looked at me for a long moment, frowning. "It's rather dismaying to find you taking that line, when I told you so clearly that I despise such a calibre of person."

"That's a simplification, as my motives are completely different," I replied irritably. "I don't have any reason to gratify your ego."

"Then why? You don't strike me as anyone who'd have a natural interest in the art."

"You should have a better memory of your own words." I folded my arms. "Kenjutsu is an interest close to Shizuru's heart… so for me to come closer to her, learning what she learns and feeling what she feels is natural. For her, not for you, I'll swallow my pride."

"That's a weak motive," Shinri said shortly. "No different from that of my sycophants. Kenjutsu is a serious matter, not a vanity hobby, a sport or anything else of that kind."

"That's precisely why it's valuable to me. Personally, I think that's nonsense… but Shizuru seems to agree with you." I carried on staring at him without flinching, waiting patiently. "If it's any consolation to you, I'd certainly use all of my considerable power seriously."

Shinri frowned. "You certainly take yourself very seriously. This is a long way for you to go for a friend of yours."

I didn't reply to that, simply watching patiently.

Shinri snorted softly, turning away. "I'm not sure young and with time to spare that I can afford to teach a newcomer with a whim. Shizuru can teach you when she's in better health."

"No. It has to be you." I glared at the back of his neck. "I already play around with Shizuru enough. That's why I want to experience, seriously, something that she also values." I snorted. "Well, I definitely know I can count on you not holding back…"

"Naturally." Shinri stopped again, and paused a moment. "You know, under that circumstance, I would certainly do my best to break you in Shizuru's presence."

"You really don't like me, do you?"

He looked over his shoulder. "And you don't like me. Our reasons for our antagonism are probably the same… but that equivalency doesn't change the fact that I am her father."

"And I am her friend," I said, though those words felt weak. I don't think saying simply that is enough to describe the strangeness we have with each other. "Regardless, I'd take everything you have. I've had worse."

"Are you serious?"

"I'm serious."

Shinri glared at me. "Then you should go through the proper motions. It's appropriate for the pupil to bow down and beg."

I gritted my teeth. "And if I do that, will you teach me?"

He regarded me thoughtfully. "Yes. I would teach you."

I glared at him for a few more seconds, trying to work out a way round it. But however I looked at it, I'd kinda committed myself. So, against all of my better instincts and my pride and logic, I knelt and bowed, bringing my forehead close to the ground. "Please. Teach me kenjutsu."

There was no reply for a moment, then Shinri laughed.

I looked up, trying to kill him with my eyes alone.

"You certainly take yourself very seriously," he said casually, a hint of a smile on his lips. "That's not good, in a girl your age. But I can see how Shizuru might come to like it, all the same."

"I'm not going to take myself lightly, for you or anyone else," I snapped back, flushing despite myself.

Shinri looked at me for another moment, still looking amused. Then he offered me his hand. "We shall see how long that superfluous attitude can last, in the fullness of time."

I pushed myself up, ignoring the offer and sticking my hands in my pockets. "Believe me when I say that I'm holding you to that promise."

"I intend to keep it, as well. It should be interesting." Shinri turned away regally, raising a hand over his shoulder. "In the meantime, continue to look after Shizuru. If you are her folly, I'll indulge her."

"And I'll forgive her for having a mad old man," I retorted, turning and walking the other way.

Honestly, just who is it who takes themselves way too seriously here?

I walked back to the house, trying to put the matter out of mind. It had been humiliating, after all, but I hadn't expected it to be anything else. If I'm dealing with that man, I should get used to being humiliated. I'm not the child I was anymore, though, to the extent where I can't do anything to compromise my precious dignity. At least, not intentionally, because the world doesn't take kindly to people who are too proud and too cold. Unless they have 'Fujino' in their name, or something, I guess. In any case, I'm stronger now. Even coming here meant pushing past my pride and my dignity and my petty apprehensions. I've already cut off those small, insignificant emotions. That's why, with that fact in mind, I can and will go further. I have to go further. Now that I know I can, there's no way that I couldn't.

Living with Shizuru's family, and seeing the world through Shizuru's eyes, has been an experience and a realisation. Before, I thought I knew so much about her, more than any other person did, though if I were forced I'd concede that she was a very ambiguous person even to me. The Carnival showed me just how limited my lazy, complacent understanding of Shizuru was, and opened up my eyes. She wasn't just a girl who smiled and nodded and had a gentle, kind and easy life. She had love and hate and fear, vivid, violent emotions, a darkness in her and a hate and great sadness. I tried, slowly, to find her out, when I realised that for my part as well as to be kind to her I couldn't just let her go. And being here is the same experience. Even after years of companionship, talking and sharing, arguing and shouting and crying and everything between us, her subtlety and complexity is still beyond me. I'm still not the person who I want to be, someone who knows everything about her. The more I learn, the more I notice I have to learn. And she changes, too, moment by moment and day by day. I may be chasing the sun on a fey-vain quest that wouldn't ever end.

But a lifetime wouldn't be so bad; presuming it was always this interesting.

In the meantime, whatever else may be, I'm not happy with just what we have. I want more. I want to be closer to her, to her feelings and her thoughts, and to experience the things she experiences without either of us regretting that. Simply being by her side is fun enough to justify that. And because of that, I want to know how to make her smile, as well. Even if she's pushed me away from time to time, and even though we've done very cruel things to each other, I think the seed of that intention has been with me for as long as we really knew each other. Even just a little.

Am I taking myself too seriously?

I smirked, and went to find some breakfast. Being serious was also fine from time to time, after all.

* * *

When I woke, she was by my side. I am growing used to that romantic conceit.

Of course, she wasn't exactly kissing my forehead or holding me or anything like that. She was eating a bowl of rice. But I'll take what I can get, under the circumstance.

Natsuki looked down at me, blinking. "Morning."

"Good morning," I replied sleepily, rolling over and looking at her with drowsy eyes. "What time is it?"

"One in the afternoon," Natsuki replied evenly.

I yawned, stretching my arms. "Lying is bad, you know."

"Then you're a very bad person. It's nine in the morning, so there's no need for you to struggle to get up or anything. Just rest like a good girl again."

"If you put it like that, I'm sorely tempted to get up," I remarked sleepily. "But I suppose I'll humour you."

"Sure. Your breakfast is here for whenever you're ready, though."

"Thank you. Or should I thank Hideko instead? I'll leave that to you." I rubbed my eyes, trying to clear away the dirt building there. But my body wasn't actually feeling that stiff, which was a beautiful release. "Otou-sama?" I asked, by inflection alone.

"He's gone to work," Natsuki said shortly. "Apparently, he had to. That man only ever deals in imperatives, doesn't he?"

I smiled slightly at her irritated tone. "He's a driven man. You used to be like that, a little… well, I'm not sure whether you've changed that much, either."

"I'm nothing like him, whatever you say." Natsuki folded her arms, glaring prettily at me. "How are you feeling?"

I shrugged, accepting the change of subject. "A little better, I think, though I'm still a little tired."

"You sound better as well. That's good."

"I'd be a little worried if that was bad," I remarked lightly. "In any case, I'll see how I'm feeling later. It would be good, to be up and about a lot more than I am right now."

"Though you make me say it until I'm blue in the face, with no success, but still," Natsuki glanced at me, looking amused. "Don't force yourself."

"I'd be forcing myself to stay here for too much longer. It's a little tiring, you know, in its own way." I sat up in my futon, and reached for the breakfast tray. "Though even then, I have to make myself busy helping you. There isn't much movement involved in that."

"I've been working hard enough, already," Natsuki complained. "You should just take a day off."

I sipped a glass of water, moistening my throat. "That would set a dangerous precedent."

"Honestly." Natsuki glared at me. "Whatever image you have of my work ethic, it's not so bad that you have to keep pushing me without rest. Taking a break every so often is normal, right? And I'm sure that's supposed to increase your recall, as well."

"If I recall, fifteen minute breaks are best. Shall we do that more often, though?"

"Just forget it for today. That's an order." Natsuki snorted. "It's not like you don't want to do that anyway, right?"

"I wonder," I said innocently, picking up my chopsticks and eating a mouthful of rice.

"Though with that said, I'll take the fifteen minute breaks as well." Natsuki smirked at me. "Should I just be grateful for that?"

"I do feel that Natsuki is characterising me in an unflattering way," I said, mock serious. "I'm not that bad, you know."

"Sick girls should be sick and sweet in a quiet way without finding the energy to nag other people. That's how it should be, anyway."

"Is that so?" I asked, picking up a pickle and eating it.

"That's so," Natsuki said decisively, closing her eyes and nodding firmly. "You should be more in character."

"If we're talking about characters in such a circumstance, you'd be a kinder and a better ministering angel," I remarked. "And I suppose I'd be a handsome man."

"Idiot. Don't say strange things like that." Natsuki glared at me. "Just what kind of weird fantasy story are you imagining?"

"I wonder," I repeated playfully, continuing to eat. "But being brought breakfast in bed by Natsuki in the morning… I think I was wrong, and I'm getting worse after all."

"Hey, you know," Natsuki said sharply. "I don't have to do this, you know. It's just polite, considering I'm staying in your house."

"That's very cruel of you," I remarked, pouting at her. "You should just let the sick girl dream of happy things."

"When you start talking in those terms, I'm almost sure you're just making use of that increasingly dubious status," Natsuki remarked. "But it's fine, I guess. Do I beat out Hideko, as being a morning awakening?"

"Yes. Does that make you happy?"

"Not particularly," Natsuki replied, flushing slightly and staring at me.

"Of course, Hideko helps me dress and do my hair," I said thoughtfully.

"Don't push it."

I smiled and looked up at her, remembering my hair and rather self-consciously pushing the tangle out of my face. And she looked down at me, with an unreadable intense expression on her face. It's tough, when she's so close to me. My body reacts.

"In any case, eat your breakfast, already," Natsuki muttered, pressing her knees against her stomach and looking away. "You won't get better if you don't eat."

Is she aware of that atmosphere now? It's hard to tell. So I just smiled and nodded in a neutral way. "I'll do that."

Natsuki didn't say much while I ate the rest of my breakfast, but just watched me quietly. That was a little unusual, and very distracting, but I did my best to act as if I didn't notice. I was a little flustered, all the same. But that's normal. People don't like being watched at any time, because they might be doing something to merit disapproval. So it's not like such doubts are unique to me. But my special condition creates an unusual subtext, and once I have started down that line of thought it can be hard to ignore. That's why I'll put that weak and wavering sensation completely out of mind and move on.

"Hey, Shizuru. Can you do me a favour?"

So she said. She says such things a lot, and she always has done. Sometimes she troubles me, but I like to feel needed even if that's no more than that, a feeling. I don't know what fact is, but I might as well cling to hope rather than to despair. So I smiled. "Of course… I should think. But it's difficult for me to say for sure, until you've told me what you have in mind."

"Yeah, yeah. Obviously." Natsuki glanced at me, looking a little worried. "Are you really okay, though? You should probably rest, I guess…"

"I'm fine," I replied firmly, putting my chopsticks down neatly. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, it wasn't anything important," Natsuki replied uneasily. "But, whenever you're feeling better, I wouldn't mind if you showed me the garden. It's a bit big for just me."

"The garden, is it?" I asked. "You know, I don't know it so well myself. I'm not sure how much it has changed since I was last here. But I'm sure the gardener would love to show you around."

"I'm sure he would, but I'm not interested," Natsuki retorted. "It's more fun if it's with you."

I made a slight sound, amused with her and with myself. Her earnestness was attractive enough, but I'd probably intended for her to answer like that in the first place. "I am feeling better," I replied. "So I'll get ready."

"No, no. I told you, whenever you're better, whenever that might be," Natsuki said firmly. "It was just something to bear in mind."

I stood, pushing my hair back with my hands and looking down at her. "Your concern is appreciated. But Natsuki always says herself, that I always decide things myself…"

Natsuki snorted. "You mean you're going to be troublesome again?"

My fingers found the first button on my shirt. "Well, I'm going to unilaterally undress now. Make of that what you will."

Predictably, she retreated promptly. But this time, she managed to shoot me a glare before leaving. I just smiled back.

When I'd finally arranged my clothes and hair, I came out to her. It takes longer when I don't have someone to help me, which is why I did this.

"Casual clothes…" Natsuki remarked, looking up and down at me without artifice. Always so direct. "Not bad. Makes a change from all the damn kimono I see around this house, anyway. I thought it was some kind of uniform."

"Presumably, you're then being principled to continue dressing as you do," I said lightly. "You could always borrow my kimono, after all."

"It's not so much principle as bloody-mindedness, but you're still pretty much right," Natsuki said. "The sweater's nice, though."

I tugged on it, smiling at her kindness. "Do you think so too? Surprisingly enough, white is my colour."

Which is a little inappropriate, but I embody the deceptiveness of appearances. And if I am allowing myself to carry on afresh, it's significant in an altogether new way.

"You must be hot, though," Natsuki said dismissively, turning away. Because it wouldn't do for her ego to grow too much, so her expression ran.

"Not really. I'm better but not well," I reminded her. "I'm actually a little cold, you know, even with this."

"Really?" Natsuki asked. "Do you want to get another jumper? Or maybe a coat?"

I shook my head. "I'll warm up later, with the day, and then I'd only have to take it off. Besides."

"Besides?" Natsuki asked, with her unguarded sincerity.

"Besides the fact that if I'm too cold, Natsuki can keep me warm." I smiled at her, letting myself regard her flushed cheeks as she turned away. Some things don't change.

"Honestly, the moment I show any concern…" Natsuki complained.

I tapped her lightly on the shoulder. "Shall we go?"

I started to walk away without waiting for her reply, and she jogged after me. There isn't any mistake; I am feeling a lot better today.

It was a bright and clear day. As you'd expect from summer, of course. And the garden was as beautiful and well maintained as you'd expect of our household, but neither of those two things mean very much. I'm not someone who derives a huge amount of pleasure from the weather, and while I could at least appreciate the aesthetic of our surroundings my attention was still, more or less, focused on Natsuki. For the most part, just entertaining her was enough of a worry for me. I've been a bad host, with this sudden sickness, so I suppose that feeling is my unspoken apology to her.

"Of course, the arrangement of the garden is closely tied to calligraphy," I remarked conversationally. "Unlike the latter, though, I don't do it myself. Ultimately, paper and ink with which to practise are a little easier to come by than plots of land."

Natsuki looked around thoughtfully. "Looks like you have enough to spare…"

"Well, it is quite a big garden," I admitted. "But that just makes it even more important for us to look after it carefully. And on another note, there's a pragmatic sense in which gardening doesn't fit with Otousama's aesthetic."

"You mean he hates getting his hands dirty?" Natsuki asked cynically.

I chuckled. "I wouldn't go that far, myself, though you have the right sense. But it could be said that he isn't a very patient man."

"And if you said that, you'd be right," Natsuki finished. "Well, I don't blame you. This place is way too huge for ordinary people to handle anyway. Isn't it a little intimidating?"

I frowned, looking around thoughtfully. "Perhaps just a little, but I never thought of it that way. I was very fond of this garden, before." I stopped briefly, looking down at some flowers. "I've always had a soft spot for flowers, after all."

"I remember," Natsuki said dryly. "Well, only a strange person would say they didn't like flowers. I mean, it's not like I hate them either."

"Right?" I said lightly. "But that's the thing about flowers, I suppose. No matter how tough things may be, they still do their best to be beautiful and tall. For them, that's more than natural."

"Aren't you personifying them a bit too much?" Natsuki asked.

"Perhaps," I admitted. I looked up, following the course of the artificial stream and taking in the vegetation clinging to its banks. "I came here a lot when I was a child. When things became too tough for me to carry on, I'd hide and play here. Of course, there was always someone close by." I turned, letting my gaze embrace everything around me. "But if I could stand in the right place, I could put them out of sight and mind, and feel rather free."

"So, that kind of situation," Natsuki said thoughtfully. "Did you ever worry about snipers in the trees?"

I laughed. "You know, I never did."

"Very careless of you."

I turned to Natsuki again, smiling. "I'll apologise, then, by showing you something good. Do you want to come?"

Natsuki nodded. And she was smiling a little herself, though she would deny it if I pointed it out, so I lead her with a fairly light and untroubled heart.

"Perhaps I should have done this before," I mused. "It's really very nostalgic. But it never really occurred to me, and I haven't been at my best after all…"

"Just as long as you weren't planning on moping all damn summer, that's fine," Natsuki retorted.

"Hmm. You know, that would be too boring, even for me." I looked upwards. "But here we are, of course."

Natsuki frowned at the small pavilion. "What is it? A shelter?"

"One of the teahouses. This is the smaller one." I walked towards it. "This used to be my unambiguous favourite place."

"Such a bizarre place to be something like that," Natsuki complained, following me.

"Well, in this world we take our favourite things where we can get them," I said, looking back at her and smiling. "Hobbies, places, people, it's all the same. Just encountering something of that value is good enough."

"For you, maybe, but you're just plain easy to please," Natsuki muttered.

I laughed at that, sitting on the floor and glancing back at her. "Perhaps. But I wouldn't say so, myself. I'm a discerning person, who values special and valuable things."

"Is that so?" Natsuki asked, sitting opposite me. She smiled, but her eyes were almost sad. "It's not bad, to hear you say that."

"Do you think?" I chuckled. "I didn't think it was that good." I looked around, recalling many things. "Well, there's not much here, but it's a nice little place. Like I said, we have a bigger teahouse, but that's where I learned tea ceremony. A matter more serious and difficult than kenjutsu, so I could never really come to love that space, of course…"

"Ah." Natsuki rubbed her knees with the palm of her hands, and smiled at me. "But, you know, you really seem a lot better."

"I'm glad. It looks like I'm finally spending enough time, and getting enough sleep, to get rid of this kind of flu," I replied. "It's a bit of a relief, after so many damn headaches."

"Yeah, well, that isn't exactly what I meant," Natsuki replied, frowning at me. "It's just… you know. You're in better spirits now than before, I guess."

"You may be right," I replied, smiling blankly. "Well, there isn't any point in me moping, after all, is there?"

"Right," Natsuki agreed. "You're a lot better when you're happy, after all."

"Is that so?" I said slowly.

"Yeah. So what's with that dumb expression?"

I laughed softly. "Just thinking, I guess. Well, if that's the case, I'll try hard to be happy for you."

"Damn right," Natsuki said firmly. "That's the least you should do, after everything you've put me through. I'm not interested in any other kind of thanks."

"Thanks, anyway," I said softly.

"Idiot," Natsuki muttered, looking away.

If I'm in better spirits, it's because of her. When I'm by her side, slowly and surely, it's less of a torment and more and more a freedom. That's her kindness, but without so many dark and lonely hours, it's more sincere, and far easier than before. That was actually one of my fears. If I lean too much on her smile and her redemption, it will hurt too much when we have to separate. That's inevitable.

"Did you have any place like this?" I asked innocently.

"Like what?" Natsuki asked cautiously.

"The place you most liked to be. Or am I just strange for having one, and no one else does?"

"Well, I wonder…" Natsuki said. "I suppose you could say that I've never really thought about it."

But maybe, just maybe, I can grow enough to move past that small and timid kind of thought. The memories I'll gather of her and everything she means to be can be happy ones, and stay with me, even if she'll never be what I want her to be for me, and even if we have to part. So that's why I'll smile, not just for her, but for myself.

"So think harder."

"I'm thinking, I'm thinking!"

Because it's enjoyable, to be alive.


	30. Chapter 30

**Windows of the Soul: Part Thirty**

Aesyl makes some good points on Natsuki, and broadly hits on my direction with her. Sure, she blushes and likes mayo, but if that was _it _there wouldn't be much for Shizuru to fall for... though Shizuru also has her one-dimensional moments, and I'm less confident I've changed that. At least she cares about people other than Natsuki now.

* * *

"_Hello?"_

"Hi, it's me. Natsuki," I said, a little unnecessarily.

"_Good morning, Natsuki."_

I leaned back on the bench, savouring the morning air. "I'm not interrupting anything, right?"

"_I'm making breakfast, that's all," _Mai replied. _"Even so, I'm glad that you're up. Isn't this a little early for Natsuki in the holidays?"_

"With the Romans, be Roman," I replied. "With crazy Fujino-people, be crazy. I guess you could say I'm operating according to their time."

"_Sounds tough. Will that apply to us, as well?"_

"Only if you want it to, it's not like it's a stated rule or anything." I rubbed my thoughtfully, pushing it over my hair. "How do I say it, though? I suppose you could say that if I got up later, it would feel like I was losing somehow. I'm sure that bastard would be very smug about it."

"_That bastard?"_

"Shizuru's father. I don't think he likes me very much." I rested my feet on the bench and rested my chin against my knees, wiggling my toes thoughtfully. "It's not like I like him either, of course, but he isn't around very much. He was gone yesterday, and again today."

"_I see. Fujino-san's parents… that's a little difficult to imagine, after all. But still, it's a bit unusual for Natsuki to try and conform to people's expectations."_

"Hey, don't make me sound like Nao or something," I complained, putting my feet down on the ground again. "It's not like I don't know how to be polite or anything."

"_I know. But still, you never had much time for what other people thought of you at school. This new side of you is endearing."_

"Honestly, it's not anything that dramatic," I said uneasily. "I was just making conversation."

"_And me, too. Well, I suppose staying in someone else's house is a bit different from just going to the same school, after all."_

"I argue with him too much to be considered a good guest, whatever you say," I replied. "We just disagree on too many things."

I mentally decided not to mention my decision to start learning kenjutsu. It might be misunderstood.

"_That sounds a lot like you, Natsuki. Is Fujino-san okay with that?"_

"I think she's used to it. Well, he's an argumentative bastard too, so more than that, she knows where I'm coming from." I sighed slightly. "Yeah, it really is pretty strange here. But it's a lot easier when he isn't around, though that disappoints Shizuru. Beats me why, of course."

"_I see. And how is she? Has she been getting better?"_

"She's a lot better," I replied, smiling slightly. "In both senses, if you know what I mean. As far as I can tell, she's turned some kind of corner, and is a lot healthier now. It's very much the same as it was before the Carnival."

"_That's good, I guess. It must have been tough for you, though."_

"Ha. You know me," I said cockily. "Whatever comes up, I can deal with it. I just had to stick to my guns, the same as ever. It's all good."

Mai laughed. _"I know the matter's really settled if you can talk about it in such a casual way. Well, thank you for your hard work, Natsuki."_

"No problem," I replied, tilting my head back and looking up at the sky. "Yeah, things are a lot better now."

"_That's good. Is there no need for us to come, then?"_

"Huh?" I asked. "Why do you say that?"

"_Well, if we're supposed to cheer Fujino-san up, but she's already better, there's not much point, is there?"_

"Screw that," I said cheerfully. "That invitation is still open. In fact, after breakfast, Saaya… this important person in the household, she cornered me and said that Viola… that's Shizuru's mother… had confirmed it with her father. Shizuru's father, that is."

"_I see. That's good."_

"I was surprised, actually," I remarked conversationally. "I thought that old bastard would veto it out of hand, whatever the women said. But they did it. Saaya just said something about using a woman's methods when I asked how."

"_Are you sure this is a good idea, though? We might get in the way."_

"Of what?" I asked. "Haven't I told you how big this house is? Well, it's big. Huge. Retardedly big. Viola could have the Emperor for tea and he wouldn't feel like he was condescending. That kind of big." I smirked. "Actually, if it's this family, he might feel a little humbled."

"_I'm glad you've taken to them," _Mai said playfully. _"But that's not what I meant. In a more personal sense…"_

"Oh, that?" I laughed. "You don't have to worry about that."

"_Is that so?" _Mai asked dubiously.

"Yeah. This place is big enough for you two, even. And there are good tourist spots close by, as well. Great for dates." I touched my knee with my free hand, watching a bird settle on a tree. "So you don't have to worry about you and Tate."

"_That's not what I meant."_

"Oh, come on," I replied. "Don't be coy."

"_No, really. Well, I'm glad of your consideration, of course-"_

"I'll bet you are," I replied smugly. "Don't worry. I have it all worked out."

"_But I really meant you two. You and Shizuru… Fujino-san."_

"Huh? What about us?" I asked, a little puzzled.

"_Well, so far, it's just been you and her, right? And it sounds like it's been fun for you, as well. Won't Fujino-san get a little upset if you start spending less time with her again?"_

"She agreed to this as well," I replied. "And besides, it's bad for her to be so aloof anyway. I'm sure she'd come to like you all a lot if we just gave her the chance to do so."

"_Fujino-san seems like the kind of person who knows what she wants anyway," _Mai said doubtfully. _"Is it really alright?"_

"Yeah, probably." I shrugged. "To be honest, I still plan on spoiling her anyway. I'd still spend time with just the two of us, and this place is big enough for that. Man, she really is high-maintenance, that girl… always with such a need for attention." I watched the bird hop from branch to branch. "For all that manner of hers, she's pretty childish at times."

"_You two sure sound close,"_Mai said weakly.

"Sorry, darling, but you were two years too late," I replied, smirking to myself. "No hard feelings."

"_You've picked up her bad habits, as well…hang on a second…" _Something crashed. _"No, Mikoto! Don't touch that, it's not ready yet!"_

"_But, but Mai!"_

"_Now wait patiently, I'm busy talking to Natsuki."_

"_Natsuki!" _Mai yelped, and Mikoto's voice sounded far closer. _"Hi, Natsuki!"_

"Hi, Mikoto," I replied, snorting from suppressed laughter. Mai might be able to hear. "Still lively?"

"_Yep, yep. Can we go and see Natsuki soon? I'm lonely."_

Despite myself, I smiled a little at that. She can be surprisingly sweet, sometimes. "Well, we'll see about that. You help me persuade Mai."

"_Okay, okay! I want to see Natsuki again!" _Mikoto giggled playfully. _"Mai never gets me ice-cream."_

I winced. "So that's the secret…"

"_Joking!" _Mikoto said loudly. _"I'll hand you back!"_

A yelp, another crash, and that was that. She hasn't changed at all.

"_That little monkey," _Mai complained good-naturedly. _"Now my knees hurt. She's a little too big to be sitting on my lap at this time of the morning."_

"Oh, don't complain," I replied. "You know you love it really, mother."

"_Don't call me that," _Mai ordered. _"It makes me feel old."_

"I'm sure, I'm sure. But you act old, as well, so you shouldn't be surprised." I leaned back on the bench. "Always so responsible, and about this as well. Forget the two of us, I've got everything under control."

"_That's a different matter,"_Mai began reproachfully.

"Is it? I dunno, it's the same to me," I replied diffidently. "You spoil people like me by worrying about the difficult things for us. But put it this way. This is a unique chance to go on an extended holiday with your boyfriend and friends. The house is like a five-star hotel and you don't have to pay for anything. It's in the heart of Kyoto, land of pretty and cultured things that will make you sound smart in later life, and it's presided over by the school's old idol and her parents. What more do you want? A yacht?"

"_Well, that's almost the thing, isn't it," _Mai muttered quietly. _"It's almost too good for there not to be a catch."_

"I think Shinri's the catch. But even he's a small price to pay. For my part, too, don't worry about anything. I'm taking responsibility, now. I can handle our affairs." I pushed my hair over my shoulder with my free hand. "How about it? When can you be here?"

"_If you put it that way, I hardly have a choice," _Mai replied wryly. _"I'll sort out the tickets. We should be able to come tomorrow, I guess, unless something has come up for one of us."_

"If that happens, just dump them and go," I replied promptly. "Even if it's Tate. A true friend knows when to rush in, regardless of what it does to their schedule."

"_I wonder about that…" _Mai began.

The bird flew away, and I watched it go. "Hey. It's true. I practise what I preach, you know."

"_You and Fujino-san is a little different, though," _Mai said delicately.

"Do you think so?" I asked, flushing slightly. "I don't know… no different than you and Mikoto, right?"

"_That's not the same thing at all! She just likes me as a mother figure!"_

"So you admit that, after all?" I asked wryly.

"_That's not the point," _Mai said, sounding flustered. _"It's still a different thing."_

"Even if you say that, she's still inordinately fond of your breasts," I said playfully. "I'm not passing judgement here. Just telling it how it is."

"_Well, how about you two?"_

"What about us?" I asked, feigning innocence.

"_Are you together?"_

I was shocked into silence for a moment. I didn't think she'd actually _say _it.

I laughed, a second too late. "What are you talking about?"

"_You know. I mean, you told me about the Carnival, kind of, and I heard from Yukino as well… but even so you're still like this…" _Mai took a breath. _"Well, it's not like I'm passing judgement either. I'm fine with whatever you want to do. But-"_

"We're not anything like that," I replied uncertainly. I was glad she couldn't see me, because I was blushing furiously. "Well, it's not Shizuru… you know… but she said it, as well. She's going to try and be my friend from now on. No more. It's the same as you and Reito, right?"

"_Making it sound so simple does a disservice to both of you," _Mai remarked firmly. _"That's also a different case. For you two, it's infinitely more person."_

"Well, maybe," I admitted, rubbing my hair. "Though I bet Reito's been talking to you about this. He's the type."

"_He has," _Mai admitted._"But I've been thinking about it myself, as well. If it's you two, it isn't such a strange idea."_

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"_Nothing much. Just that you really care about her, and you really care to be around her. Even the way you talk about her is affectionate." _Mai laughed slightly._"I'm rambling, aren't I? But it's just so unlike you, it makes me pay attention."_

"I see," I replied quietly, my face still hot. "Well, we haven't established anything like that. We don't talk about it much, not directly…"

"_And what do you think?" _Mai asked directly.

"I'm just a friend to her," I said firmly. And then I paused for a moment. "No, that's a lie. How would you say it?" I tapped my toes. "Uhh… it's not like I hate the idea any more, or anything… it's kinda strange, but a little exciting as well, so I don't really have an answer at all…"

Mai sighed. _"This isn't Stockholm syndrome or anything, right?"_

"Fuck off."

"_You're right, that wasn't called for. But you two are really strange."_

"Well, sorry for that," I retorted hotly. "It's not like I don't know it's weird. If you don't want to hear it, then don't ask, already."

"_No, no. That's not what I meant! I'm sorry." _Mai paused for a moment. _"It's just… surprising, after everything. But you've always been a strong person."_

"I don't hate Mikoto, either. But that's only human." I tapped my knee. "Well, whatever. You're not allowed to tell anyone. Anyone at all. If you do, I will seriously kill you. Especially if you get ahold of Shizuru somehow-"

"_I know," _Mai replied._"But you should think about this carefully, Natsuki. It's a big step, and not everyone will understand. She's older, and going away, her parents are close by and she has a very… unusual past with you."_

"She's the same age. I'm me, remember?" I scowled. "As for the rest, I could care less. It's just a thought, anyway. It's not like I'm committing myself to anything."

"_That's the other thing, though. You need to make a clear decision."_

"Yeah, yeah, I know," I began irritably.

"_I'm serious, though. If you leave people hanging without answering them clearly, you're hurting yourself and others. Life's too short for anyone to mess around like that." _Mai's voice was low and serious. _"That's why, whatever else happens, you need to promise me that you'll answer her. Clearly, seriously and soon."_

"As soon as I'm ready to give the right answer," I replied firmly. "Not before. If I did that and screwed up, it would be even worse than not saying anything."

"_I don't know about that, myself," _Mai replied. _"But you're sensible and strong, after all. If it's you, it should work out okay."_

I brushed my hair down, sighing. "People say that about me a lot, you know? Natsuki Kuga is a strong person. It's such a lie, that it's kind of tiring to keep that up. I'm weak, and I always try and protect myself. I'm not decisive or emotionally sophisticated or anything else, either. I just keep throwing myself at a problem. That's all I can do."

"_That, by itself, is the strong aspect of your character," _Mai replied. _"By comparison, even if someone has a lot of emotional awareness, intelligence and social skills, that doesn't make them strong. They still have to say things."_

"Yeah, well. Not knowing what to say is useless, as well. I can't solve everything by rapid fire, after all." I leaned back on the bench, fiddling distractedly with my hair. "And don't tell Reito, either. God knows what strange things he'd say."

"_I told you, I won't say anything unless you want me to. But if you ever want to talk about something, come and talk to me. I'll listen."_

"Yes, mother," I replied dryly. "I'll bear that in mind."

* * *

I suppose you could say that we've fallen into a routine, even in the abnormality of this situation. I will wake, and Natsuki will be waiting. I kick her out and dress, and then we pass the day together. There are worse ways to go about my life.

But of course, I'd rather not stay in that pattern forever. It doesn't suit me at all, which is why I specifically instructed Hideko to wake me at eight. Even better was the fact that I was in a fit state to get up at eight, after all. So when she came in at eight-thirty, I was already sitting at my desk with my hair done, dressed in casual clothes. "Good morning, Natsuki," I said, turning my head and giving her a triumphant smile.

"Morning," Natsuki replied, watching me curiously. "How are you feeling?"

"Better than yesterday, when I was better than the day before," I replied. "So you could say this is the logical progression of illness recovery."

"I'm sure. You certainly sound a lot better, long words and all." Natsuki glanced at me. "Do you think we can go out today?"

"I wonder. But are you just trying to find another way to avoid work?" I asked.

"Not really. It'd be good for you if you actually left the house, that's all. And for my part, as well. We've been here five days, but haven't actually got past the gates. It isn't good for us." Natsuki shrugged. "Of course, if you're not up to it just yet, that's fine as well. You do need to rest."

"Is that a challenge?" I asked thoughtfully. Being provoked by Natsuki would make for a refreshing change from the ordinary.

"Not really. I'm just talking plainly."

"Well, if you say so," I replied, unconvinced. "But I wouldn't mind going out, actually. Provided we don't go too far out of our way, and take it easy, I should be fine. I think." I turned away, heading for my wardrobe. "But if that's the case, I'll have to dress properly…"

"Aren't you fine as you are?" Natsuki asked pointedly. "It'll probably be pretty hot out there, you know, and those kimono of yours aren't exactly light."

"It'll be okay," I replied absently, sliding the door open and starting to pick through the choices. "I'm very used to wearing them, after all. And going to a temple in casual would make my ancestors despair and go into comas in their graves, after all. I'm not a tourist."

"You're not a miko, either," Natsuki retorted, folding her arms cynically. "I don't see what the fuss is, myself. But I guess this is just one of your strange points."

"Is that so?" I asked, smiling slightly. "Hmm. Perhaps red would be too bold for outdoors wear. What do you think, Natsuki?"

"You just want to try one of the others on," Natsuki accused, walking forwards and looking over my shoulder. "Especially considering you've been wearing that to please your mother. But, man, just how many of the damn things do you have, anyway? Those things aren't cheap!"

"Well, I am a Fujino," I replied lightly. I frowned slightly. "Would white be appropriate?"

"Not white," Natsuki said firmly. "Like I said, you're not a miko." She frowned. "Honestly, you're really troublesome, Shizuru. If you had normal hair, you'd go with more colours. But that tawny shade means you're pretty limited."

"I'm not sure I like hearing that from someone who has hair to match her bike, you know." I chuckled. "Besides, since when do you have opinions on fashion anyway? I thought it was a big waste of time."

"Well, that's a different matter," Natsuki replied vaguely. "You've already spent the money, and you people wasting money keeps the currency in circulation, so I'm not going to complain. Now you've done that you might as well at least look good." She leaned past me, sorting through a couple of hangers. "Let's see… how about this one?"

I frowned slightly. "Pink?"

"It goes with your hair and eyes quite well," Natsuki replied. "I like it."

"Isn't it a little… childish, though?" I said doubtfully, looking at it. The white butterfly pattern didn't do much to relieve my concerns. "And isn't it for Spring-wear?"

"Who cares about that?" Natsuki asked, picking it up and holding the material against me. "You're very feminine anyway, right? Why not go for a girly-girl look?"

I blushed slightly. "I'm not sure that's really me…"

"Maybe not, but pretending could be fun," Natsuki said firmly. "Hold this." She stepped back slightly, scrutinising me with an uncomfortable precision. "Yeah, I like it."

And that, of course, was a very compelling argument. "Well, if you insist," I replied carefully, laying it over my futon and stepping back. "And let's see… a white juban, naturally, and for my susoyoke- well, I'll settle that later. But you know, this might actually work."

"Well, thanks for the vote of confidence," Natsuki replied sarcastically.

"Any time," I replied, smiling at her. And because I was, secretly or otherwise, enjoying the attention, I turned my head and touched my hair. "How should I wear it? Pinned up?"

"I think straight down suits you better," Natsuki replied. "Especially if you are wearing pink. When you tie it up like that, it makes you look old. Like a housewife or something."

"Charming," I replied. "Well, I suppose you're right. But I'll look for some of my old kanzashi, too. It's been a while since I got to wear them properly. There hasn't been much point in dressing up, these last few days…"

Natsuki sighed. "Hey, you know, whoever you're going to dress, let's try and spend less time on that than on the trip itself, okay? At this rate we'll be here all day."

"Beauty is a process, Natsuki, not a state," I replied smugly. "Well, for normal people anyway. You're just unfair."

"Right back at you," Natsuki replied tiredly. "This isn't about being beautiful, anyway. You just like playing with dolls."

"Perhaps," I replied amicably. "But that suits a girly girl character. Can you fetch Hideko a second? She'll make things a lot faster for me, and I need to select my undergarments anyway."

"Oh, right," Natsuki flushed slightly. "But, could I ask for a favour?"

"Yes?" I asked patiently.

"Could I borrow a kimono, too?" She glared at me. "I mean, if you're going all out, it would be really awkward for me to just be there in ordinary clothes. And when everyone stares at you, I'm not going to be the merely ordinary girl following on behind."

"I doubt anyone's ever going to make that mistake," I replied, smiling at her. "But actually, that sounds fun. A lot of fun. Now we definitely need Hideko. I want a second opinion."

"Hey, I can pick out my own," Natsuki retorted. "I was just going to wear something quiet."

"That's not allowed," I replied, folding my arms. "You made me choose pink, against my better judgement. I'm definitely going to make you something loud and interesting enough to suit your personality."

"Actually, this is a really bad idea, isn't it?" Natsuki said slowly.

"You just run along and find Hideko. I'll pick out a few nice ones for you in the meantime, and then you can choose between them," I hummed, turning away and looking at them with renewed enthusiasm. Some of the colour's selected more for completeness' sake than sense might come in useful, like this. Natsuki looks best in dark colours, after all.

She grumbled a bit, and then left. I looked over the options, setting several aside. Crème, white, dark blue. Sadly, there wasn't a matching pink. I don't think she'd let me get away with that, anyway, though. But I'm sure it'd make Saaya say something else about sisters. And then I touched on another one, a light powder blue. That was altogether too nostalgic.

After a moment's thought, I added it to the pile with the others. She could make of it what she would. There didn't have to be any special meaning to it, after all.

I was busy looking for matching obi when they returned. "Ah, good morning," I said, turning my head and smiling at Hideko. "I take it that Natsuki's told you everything? I'd appreciate some help."

"Of course, Ojou-sama. You should have called me sooner." Hideko smiled slightly. "It's been a while, hasn't it, since you dressed in full formality? This is rather reminiscent."

"I suppose it has been," I agreed. "But we've set that aside for me, and I've found matching juban. What do you think for Natsuki?"

"Let's see," Hideko mused, slipping her hands into sleeves and looking down thoughtfully. "I think one of the brighter ones is better. It wouldn't do to look too severe."

"Yeah, pretty much," Natsuki agreed. "I don't want to look like I'm your mother or something. Not that there's much in the way of family resemblance." She walked forwards, looking down. "But amazingly enough, these ones aren't actually bad."

"I'm rather good at this, you know," I replied patiently.

"Hmm. I like this one," Natsuki said decisively, picking one up and holding it against her. Powder blue.

"That suits you very well, Kuga-san," Hideko said, nodding in approval.

"Right?" Natsuki glanced at me. "What do you think, Shizuru?"

I can neither read those eyes, nor know whether there's anything to read. The overwhelming question left is why I put it out at all, if I have such doubts. But I forced a smile. "You're right. It suits you a lot, Natsuki."

"So I'll go with this one," Natsuki said. "That's settled."

And because Natsuki said it in her indomitable way, it was so.

In the end, it took an hour and a half for us to pick everything out, dress separately and arrange our hair. After that, Hideko fetched the bentos that had been made and packed us into the card. I felt like a spoiled child again, and that suited me just fine. Only this time around, I was going with Natsuki, not my parents. I doubt I'll persuade her to do this any more frequently than my ever-busy parents, but it's still something to relish. And it's not really anything I'd ever expected to do with her, either. It was hard enough persuading her to come to Fuka's festival at all. Going to an interesting place with her alone, after taking so much trouble to dress… well, one term for it would be a date, but I don't think that's what she has in mind. Still, I'm going to think about it in that way, just a little. If it's only every once in a while, indulging myself in romantic thoughts should be okay. It's probably therapeutic, or something.

"Is this fine, Ojou-sama?" the driver asked.

"Yes, thank you. When will you pick me up?"

"At five-thirty, unless you call earlier. That should bring you back in time for dinner. Is that acceptable?"

"That's fine. Thank you for your hard work." I slipped out of my seat and joined Natsuki on the pavement, closing the door after me.

"You sure have a convenient lifestyle," Natsuki remarked, watching the car pull away.

"I'm afraid so, but that's just how it is. If it's any consolation, I wasn't so coddled at Fuka." I frowned. "Well, somewhat."

"Yes, yes. Let's just move on," Natsuki remarked, turning away. "But damn, there's a lot of people here."

"Well, the shrines are popular tourist destinations, and this is high summer," I remarked. "I'm afraid it's going to be a little crowded, Natsuki."

"I know, I know. I'll bear with it." Natsuki glanced sidelong at me. "If it's any consolation, at least we look like we belong now. But are you sure you aren't going to mistaken for an exhibit?"

"I shouldn't think so," I replied, discreetly adjusting my collar. I suspect we were both going to pay a price for our vanity, though I didn't say that out loud. I turned and smiled at her instead. "Shall I go?"

"This is your turf, right? Lead the way."

It feels like if it would be proper for her to take my arm. And while I'm dreaming, I would like to have a sister.

Dismissing such irrelevant thoughts, I set off, heading down the path. "Well, our main destination is the Ujigami shrine. That's one of the very oldest, perhaps the oldest, examples of Shinto architecture. And of course, the Byodo-in and its Phoenix Hall, a contemporary Buddhist temple. There are more recent attractions, as well, though that's a relative measure when they were founded in the 1600s…"

"Hey, those guys are totally staring at us," Natsuki said in a low voice. "It's creeping me out."

"Don't pay them any attention," I advised without looking round. "If you look at them, you'll only encourage them."

"What, you mean they might try to hit on us or something?" Natsuki asked, sounding disgusted. "This isn't a beach, for God's sake. Temples and shrines should be off-limits for the purposes of sexual harassment."

"Nothing is sacred, for the purposes of the typical adolescent male," I replied, sounding knowing. "But when it comes to Natsuki's striking presence, I can't blame them for noticing."

"Yeah, yeah. They're totally looking at you, as well. What are we, a matched set?" Abruptly, Natsuki grabbed my arm, holding onto it. "Screw that," she remarked.

When I managed to turn my head, I found her giving them her trademark death glare, before picking up the pace of her walk and dragging me into one of her special stalking away. "Natsuki…"

"Don't moan," Natsuki ordered. "It'll dissuade them, right?"

I looked away, trying to keep my voice from sounding strangled. "I don't know about that, either way, but I wouldn't mind having my arm back," I replied automatically.

And when I get home, my parents will tell me they have some important news. Fate enjoys messing me around so much, it wouldn't even surprise me…

Natsuki snorted, releasing me. "You shouldn't complain so much, you know." She smirked at me. "It's not like you dislike it, right?"

"Perhaps," I admitted coyly, "but it still took me by surprise. You shouldn't be so playful."

"Oh? And what if I asked for your permission first?" Natsuki asked, faux-innocent. "It'd be okay then, right?"

"I wonder about that," I replied, turning my head away. "But we should decide where we want to go first. Most of them are within walking distance of each other, but still, we should plan things…"

"Whatever you think best," Natsuki replied absently. "You're the expert. Are those guys still looking at us?"

"Like I said, don't look at them," I said reproachfully. "It'll only encourage them." I stopped walking when I noticed that Natsuki had stopped dead, and turned around. "Natsuki?"

I followed her gaze, and saw a woman with black hair, tall amidst the crowd. Her eyes met mine for a moment, then she turned, coat billowing about her, and walked away.

Natsuki grabbed my arm. "Shizuru, we're going."

Before I could say anything, she'd dragged me the other way.


	31. Chapter 31

**Windows of the Soul: Part Thirty-One**

Once again, thanks for the kind reviews. And I knew I could count on the Pope to join the dots. He is never wrong.

This chapter rather leaves my comfort zones, so I'm not sure how it's turned out. But without further apology...

* * *

Spending an entire day messing around with Natsuki in an attractive, interesting location has certainly been an idle dream of mine, for as long as I can remember. But she always seemed to have more important things to do.

The similarities are rather striking, after all.

She was very beautiful, though. Hauntingly so. I stared at her for a moment, feeling safe in doing so, then looked ahead again. "Oh, and by the way, Natsuki, we have to stop at the Tsuen Tea Shop at some point. It's quite possibly the oldest in the world, you know."

"I see," Natsuki replied distractedly. "Yeah, that sounds like you. I don't get it myself. Tea is just tea, right?"

"Your blasphemy knows no bounds, but I'm afraid I'm almost used to it," I replied wryly. "But this is both historical and current. A Shogun supported the growth of green tea here. That's how important tea is."

"Well, I suppose it gives people like you something to worry about," Natsuki said lightly.

She walked on fast, heedless of the heat, while I struggled to catch out without running. "If I said to you that all bikes were the same, you'd disagree, right?" I asked breathlessly.

"I guess so. Well, it's not like I don't know that it makes a difference, if you're really into these things. I'm just teasing you." Natsuki looked furtively over her shoulder.

I sighed slightly. "Are you still worried about other boys? It's almost sweet how self-conscious you are, Natsuki."

"It's nothing like that," Natsuki replied vaguely. "But it's as I said, isn't it? People should think of their environments."

"If you say so," I replied cynically. I was completely unconvinced, of course. In objective terms, I should bear with anything Natsuki wants to hide and just trust her. But that isn't easy at the best of times, least of all when she's as distracted and insincere as this. "But it's not like I can't sympathise, you know. You really are fetching, dressed like that. You should just bear with the attention, and the compliment it implies."

"You mean, like you do?" Natsuki replied, with a trace of her normal wry humour. "That kind of arrogance doesn't really suit me."

"Well, you aren't a modest person, after all. You might as well enjoy yourself, in a circumstance like this." I smiled lightly. "You're rather distracted right now, so it doesn't flatter you."

"Sorry," Natsuki replied, glancing at me. "I guess you could say I have a lot on my mind right now."

"Is that so?" I asked delicately. "Anything you want to talk about?"

"It's not really the kind of problem where I can talk to you about it," Natsuki replied, smiling at me and looking a little embarrassed.

"Just as long as Otousama isn't troubling you about something," I replied probingly.

"Not really. No more than normal." Natsuki grinned. "What, did you really think I'd be unbalanced just by him?"

I laughed. "Very bravura. You've made a habit of that recently."

"Well, you said it yourself. I need to be more confident. This is just my way of doing it, which isn't as quiet as yours." Natsuki thrust her hands behind her head, ostensibly casually. "You're the same, right?"

"Perhaps," I conceded. "Well, not perhaps. Definitely. You always manage to make me self-conscious, though."

"So she says, making me blush," Natsuki complained. "That's such a lie."

"No, it's true," I protested. "It's just that I'm rather good at hiding it. You've given me a lot of practise, after all."

"Somehow I think you'd be good at what you do whether or not you met me," Natsuki remarked, stopping abruptly and turning to face me. "This shrine place, is it going to be crowded?"

"Most likely. It's a fairly significant tourist attraction, with such a history to it," I replied, watching her face carefully. She looked past me. Natsuki always tries too hard. "But it should be manageable. Well, if you want to go somewhere else instead, there are a lot of other places. A Botanical Garden, for example."

"No, that's fine," Natsuki replied, turning away. "But if it's going to be crowded, we should hurry. The sooner, the better, right?"

"Very well." I smiled sadly, leading the way again. Natsuki followed after me in silence. I tolerated that for as long as I could, then glanced back at her face. "Could I ask something important, Natsuki?" I asked.

Natsuki gave me a guilty look. "What?"

My gaze darted through the people walking along, without finding anything remarkable. "I was wondering whether my family is worrying you, in any way," I said, returning my attention to her face. "They're a little overbearing and I haven't been around very much. Like this, there isn't anyone to overhear us, so if you're at all worried you can tell me."

"Not at all," Natsuki replied. "They're fine. I'm not that sensitive, you know."

"If you say so. But still, it's not like you to be coy about these things, and Otou-sama did treat you badly."

"It's fine," Natsuki repeated, fidgeting slightly. "Like I said, don't worry about it. I can handle that, so forget it."

"Is that so?" I asked innocently, looking up again.

This time, I could see her clearly, and she could see me. Without knowing whom I was looking at, but she probably knew me. And her cold blue eyes didn't look very kind at all.

I took a step forwards. "Just a second, Natsuki," I said coolly. "There's a little something I need to take care of."

Natsuki grabbed my arm forcefully. "Don't go. It's dangerous."

"That's why I'm going," I replied.

I would have said something more, but I was cut off when Natsuki hugged me. She has very strong arms. "Don't move," Natsuki whispered, her mouth close to my ear. "Play along."

"With pleasure," I replied lightly, feeling like I'd stumbled into some hazy and confused dream. "So what's going on?"

"That woman is probably the enemy."

"I'd guessed that," I replied, looking up. "She sure can move fast. Into one of the shops?"

"So she's gone?" Natsuki asked, pulling away and looking up at me. "Then let's go." She grabbed my wrist and started to run.

I almost tripped on the hem of my kimono before I regained my balance, running after her. "What the hell is going on?"

"I've been forewarned, by an associate of mine," Natsuki explained carefully. "Apparently, a tall woman with short black hair, blue eyes and a trenchcoat is looking for me. Without going into the details I don't have, but I don't think she's my long-lost sister."

"You really are popular," I replied dryly. Inwardly, I was trying to gather myself again. I'm not an idiot; I can deal with these things. But it didn't help that my breath was coming fast, and I was rapidly heating up. "So are we going to lose her?"

"We should stick to crowded places, assuming the worst of her intentions. That's natural," Natsuki replied in a clipped tone. "Just panicking is in her favour. But I don't want to get close, either."

I panted, glad my hair was pulled back out of my eyes. "Right. Just follow me, then."

"Okay. Do you have a weapon?" Natsuki asked sharply.

"No," I replied uncertainly. "After you took them."

"Shit. And I left mine behind, as well. I fucked up." Natsuki grimaced. "Well, hopefully it won't come to that anyway…"

My zori clattered across the pavement. They weren't exactly designed for this. "What should we do? Call the police?"

"I don't think so. I don't trust them anyway, and _this_is probably connected to _that._Like it or not, we're doing this alone." Natsuki kept an even pace, apparently unencumbered by her clothing. "I need some time to think. We should probably call your family back, but we can't just wait around for the driver to arrive…"

My zori caught on a crack in the pavement and I stumbled. My arm was jerked out of Natsuki's grip as she carried on, almost pulling me over.

"Shizuru!" Natsuki stopped, looking worriedly back at me. "Are you alright?"

I put my hands on my knees, taking several deep breaths. My throat itched and my mouth was dry, but I forced myself to smile slightly. "We have very strange luck," I replied, looking back at her. "It isn't very kind."

"I'd forgotten that, as well," Natsuki said shortly. "Sorry. But going more slowly should be fine, now we've gained some space."

"I wonder about that," I replied, starting to walk towards her. "Our special friend can run as well, and probably for a lot longer than I can when I'm in this state. I think convention dictates that I tell you to leave me behind at this point."

"You haven't even been wounded!" Natsuki protested. "Besides, screw convention. We should at least stick together."

"Right," I replied tiredly, starting to walk after her. Sweat was already soaking into my juban, making it cling uncomfortably to my skin. "So, what's the plan?"

"You phone home," Natsuki said, in her thinking-aloud voice. "Make up some excuse. Tell them to pick us up somewhere they can get to, that we can get to from here without doubling back or leaving a crowded area… then we just keep moving and evade her for that time, while heading there."

"Very well," I replied, doing my best to keep up with her. I opened my bag and fished my mobile phone out of it.

"Shit." Natsuki grimaced, facing forwards again. "Don't look now, but she managed to follow us."

"I'm sorry, Natsuki," I replied honestly. "Perhaps we should call for help?"

"And say what?" Natsuki asked. "We really don't need our confused reality to be brought up here…"

"Well, you never have liked relying on other people," I said wryly, finding the right number. It was below Natsuki's, naturally.

"That's not it at all. I'm just thinking practically, if the police got involved… we can do that in the last resort, but not before," Natsuki said sharply.

"I know. That was an attempt at humour." I smiled apologetically at her, then rang the number. "Hello? This is Shizuru."

"_Can we help you, Ojou-sama?"_

"I'm very sorry for this at such short notice, but it appears I rather over-estimated my state of health," I replied. Natsuki tapped my arm impatiently, but I just shook my head and motioned for her to stay quiet. "Would it be possible for the car to pick us up?"

"_Of course, Ojou-sama. They can turn around immediately."_

"Thank you very much. I can only apologise again for wasting your time. But don't tell Okasama, please," I said, cutting off the inevitable pleasantries. "I don't want to worry her unduly. Is that fine?"

A heartbeat's pause, and then _"as you say, Ojou-sama. Where will you be?"_

I strained my memory of my last holiday here. "Keihan Uji Station, if that's at all convenient. We're close to there now."

"_Very well."_

"How long will that be, do you think?" I asked. "Until they can arrive here."

"_I couldn't say precisely, Ojou-sama. Perhaps twenty minutes? I would hope for sooner, but I can make no guarantees."_

"Thank you. That is very convenient. Well, then." I rang off without waiting for a reply. "Twenty minutes, on the outside."

"That will have to do," Natsuki said. "She's still following us, but there's nothing we can do. Did you have to be so damn polite, though? We don't have the plan for it."

"That was normal, for me, and it would be good if they thought this is normal," I replied. "Though I'm not as brave and reckless as you, Natsuki, I would rather live a life without bodyguards."

"Fine, whatever you say," Natsuki replied, looking over her shoulder. "And she's gone again. How the hell does she do it?"

"I'll concede, we're a little conspicuous," I replied, resisting the urge to look behind me every two seconds. "Kimono do that. But if she knows the area at all, she'll know where we are going, by now."

"Can we go somewhere else?" Natsuki asked.

"If we'd said that before the phone call," I replied. "As it is, I can take a different route, or stay in a crowded area. Not both."

"This will have to do, then," Natsuki said shortly. "For all we know, she just wants to corner us in a crowded place anyway."

"Touching on another note, Natsuki," I said calmly. "But you were trying to hide this from me, weren't you?"

"Yeah, yeah. I was hoping she'd give up or disappear without me having to worry you," Natsuki said curtly. "It's not like I wouldn't have told you eventually."

"I'm sure. Still, it was a little obvious from the beginning that something was up." I glanced at her. "I would have appreciated it if you'd trusted to tell me."

"It's not a matter of trust," Natsuki replied. "Besides, what did you do when you noticed anyway? That was just too reckless."

"I'm still not convinced that doing that wouldn't be a better option, you know," I replied. "What is she going to do? Kill me in broad daylight?"

"Perhaps. Remember Searrs and the First District?" Natsuki demanded tightly. "We're in a world with dangerous people, Shizuru, not a normal one. That's why just rushing in isn't a good idea."

"I know that without you telling me. Though you've been a little unkind to me." I glanced at her. "How long have you known that someone was after you?"

"For a few days," Natsuki replied quietly. "That's all."

I sighed. "Why didn't you tell me? If I'd known-"

"You'd have what? I knew, and I'd forgotten it altogether," Natsuki spat back. "That's why we're in this fix. Besides, I've spent the last few days coaxing you back from your extended mental breakdown, so forgive me for not telling you unnecessary things!"

"This is hardly an unnecessary thing," I retorted weakly.

"Well, I'm sorry, okay?" Natsuki said. "But I'd wanted to hope that it'd all blow over without anything happening. Is that so bad?"

"No, it's not. That's how things should be." I sighed, trying to force another smile. "I'm sorry, but fate puts my teeth on edge. I'm always like this around it."

"I'd rather not think of it in those terms," Natsuki replied. "But I'll take your point."

Superficially, of course, you could call that a stupid and pointless argument. But it isn't that, not exactly. It's hard to articulate to someone strange to danger what it feels like, to be surrounded by uncertainty, and with one's life on the line. We know, and in my mind at that moment I was being shot down from afar, dying without ever knowing why, how, or another single moment. Or else she had an accomplice, and we were walking straight into a trap. Or else she would target Natsuki instead, killing her before my eyes and leaving me to drown. Anger and paranoia and crawling, foetid fear all twisted in my stomach, a unique sickness. And for Natsuki, it was the same. The fact that we'd faced down the supernatural meant nothing. The unknown is always more terrifying, and in any case this feeling doesn't dull much no matter how many times you experience it. Even I possess it, in this moment. The desperate and unsightly will to survive.

I am afraid, and I am afraid to die.

So we speak for the sake of speaking and cling to the sound of each other's voices. In that way we can confirm the fact that we are alive, and draw strength from each other. We aren't helpless, though we have no weapons, and we aren't just prey to be hunted. There are two of us, which is a kind of strength, and whatever else may lie between us we can trust each other implicitly. Fear doesn't come into that. If we combine our power and our will, there isn't anything that could stop us or kill us. That's natural, as we are both more than simply ordinary victims, ordinary people. We're special.

So the necessary delusions go, when one looks for courage. But there's also a grain of truth in that, which is why we could continue to smile.

"This would be a good time for you to tell me that you've been able to use your powers all this time," Natsuki said dryly.

"I'm afraid not. But I can still make good tea. Will that help?"

Natsuki snorted. "Not really. But you can get me one, when we're back at your house."

I smiled at her. "It's a promise."

And so we carried on.

The Boyodo-in's Phoenix Hall is a magnificent example of surviving Heian Architecture, with beautiful low curved roofs and elegant pillars, set just short of a reflective lake. The paintings on the doors and the sculpture of Amida inside are all reasons for it to be visited in good time, treated with reverence and examined in detail as a monument to Japan's historic past. It is emphatically not a location one should hurry through as fast as one could physically manage, with all one's attention focused on a stalker, but so it goes. Even when I'm in this state, though, there are a few irrelevant things that come to mind. The first is that I could do with some absolute redemption, but for the call of a name. Sadly I have a more confused faith. The second is that the pond that has so faithfully reflected the Hall, and protected it from the fires that destroyed its other buildings, is rather like a moat. It can only keep people out insofar as it can also hem people in. I don't fancy swimming in it, either, least of all in these clothes.

But these things can't be helped, after all. Once you've decided on a course of action, it's best just to follow through on that plan without losing time hesitating. So I didn't say any of these things to Natsuki, even though she probably had similar reservations. Well, less my musings on redemption, perhaps, and with some more tactical concerns. Sharing our doubts avails us little, though, and silence is fine.

The open parkland didn't give her many places to hide, though. She didn't even try. When I glanced back, she made eye contact again. It was that, more than anything else, which told me clearly how dangerous she really was. Your normal stalker doesn't care to be seen, and so they'll deny everything for as long as they can. They also generally at least exhibit some guilty behaviour, if they even approach normal in a peripheral way. But she was unabashed, cold, and looked only to me. That in itself planted the seed of a suspicious thought in my mind.

"What are we going to do?" Natsuki asked. "Walk around?"

"That depends on whether you want to be surrounded by people, or to take a less encumbered route," I whispered back, leading her across the bridge. Enough people to cover for us and not enough to be queue or crowd. In one small respect, at least, luck was on our side.

"The former, then," Natsuki replied carefully.

"We're going to have to leave our shoes," I replied. "Or at least hide them on our person."

"Right. Can you at least navigate through this place?"

"Of course. Otou-sama loved to come here, and it isn't anywhere I will easily forget." I frowned at her. "Do you know something ironic?"

"What?" Natsuki asked tiredly.

"The central hall has a tail corridor," I replied impassively. "It was used for escaping out the back."

"Can we use it?"

"I hope so. Even if not…" I frowned briefly. "I have an idea."

Natsuki glanced behind her. "Closer. Looks like she's walking faster on those damn long legs. So let's hear it."

I pulled off my zori, and slipped them into my bag. "We split up."

"I told you, that's out of the question," Natsuki replied. "Not for a distraction or anything."

I took her zori from her and forced them into my bag as well. "Hear me out. You go left, I go right. We work round. She can only follow one of us. We meet at the back, and exit there or run the way she didn't follow."

"Very basic," Natsuki said dubiously.

"It'll probably have to do. If she ever gets really serious, she can catch us at any time anyway."

"Shit. Fine, it'll have to do." Natsuki scowled, fists balling. "I can't believe this is happening."

"Be patient," I replied, touching her shoulder briefly. "You're suited to an unkind world."

Natsuki glanced up at me, then smiled slightly. "More's my misfortune…"

I turned away before I could fall again for those sincere eyes, feeling a guilty fool. And without another word, we turned and went our separate ways. We didn't say goodbye, because we didn't intend for this to be one. Or so I like to think, anyway.

Cold, hard wood impressed itself on my bare feet. I walked down that corridor without really noticing anything around me, just concentrating on walking. It felt very lonely without Natsuki, after all. There were footsteps around me, and footsteps behind me. When I'd counted to thirty, I turned and looked back, and she was very close indeed.

"Shizuru-Hime."

It's funny how you can learn so much from first impressions. They really are important.

Conflicting instincts warred inside me. Call it a fight-or-flight reaction. But my impulse has always been to fight, so that's what I did, turning around with my full grace and gazing on her with my full coldness. Perhaps this had always been my plan, ever since I suggested to do this. "Can I help you? You've certainly been following after me for quite some time."

She watched me, and chose to follow me. Natsuki was just being kind, or misguided, and this is between this woman and me. I can imagine that a few people might have reasons to see me that could be quite urgent, and quite uncharitable.

But I never wanted to stare one in the face.

"I wonder. How about a walk, Shizuru-Hime?" The woman regarded me coldly, face tightly composed. "We have some things in common."

"And if I say no?" I asked quietly, playing for time.

"I have friends. You have family."

She didn't say anything more than that. No need to insult my intelligence, I suppose.

"That's a bluff," I replied evenly. A fine pair we must have looked, staring at each in the middle of a temple. But I didn't have any perception of anyone or anything or the passage of time itself, but for this woman in front of me.

"I wonder," the woman repeated, reaching into the pocket of her trenchcoat and taking out a mobile phone with one hand. "Shall we try?"

My throat was dry, and my thoughts were drying up as well. Protect what needed to be protected. And stall until Natsuki came here, as she would? Or would it be better for her not to come? For her own safety. It was impossible, without knowing this woman's intentions.

Time. Time can be bartered into thought, and I believe in my ability to think my way out of holes my ego has dragged me into. "Leave it be, as my family most likely has nothing to do with this," I replied coldly. "If I am guessing right… doing that would put you on the level of the one you most likely despise."

"Come with me," the woman repeated, looking disinterestedly at me.

"Otou-sama told me never to go anywhere with strangers," I replied. I looked over her shoulder, estimating how long it would take for more people to come by. They were about five meters down the corridor, so if I caught one's arm as they passed me-

She glanced at my face, frowning slightly. "Don't rely on them, by all means," she suggested, returning her phone to her pocket. This time, she pulled her coat out further, making it rather easy to see the pistol in a shoulder holster.

She was that serious, and that dangerous. In a way, I was glad for that grim reality. At least it was visual confirmation of what I already knew.

"What do you want with me?" I repeated, my tone dead. I should move closer. Distance would only favour her, but she might respond to any movement. So my body didn't respond properly to the orders of my mind, and I stayed still.

She slipped her right hand pointedly inside her coat. The one she'd use to draw the gun, of course. "Come with me."

If I was going to have an epiphany, now would be a good time. All I could think of was how much I wished that I had my Element right now.

"And Natsuki?" was the only thing that came to mind.

"Rest assured, I have no interest in Natsuki-Hime," the woman said. "Just with you. No other."

These were negotiations, as we both understood. Negotiating a death.

"Very well," I said, trying to remember to breathe. Fear filled me and paralysed me, but still I struggled to think, looking for a way out. "Lead the way."

"You will walk ahead of me. We will be going back the way we came."

I nodded stiffly, and walked slowly towards her. Ostensibly, I kept my attention upon her. She hadn't taken her hand off her gun, but she hadn't drawn it, either. So she still wanted to do this quietly, for preference. That was some kind of chance. I had no room to manoeuvre in a narrow corridor, but that gave me a chance when I passed her. And if she turned to face me, and when she turned her back… it all depended on Natsuki's timing. Where would she be, and would she see the right thing to do?

At this point, presuming I've read the situation correctly, I have scant hope and no control over my own fate. And I rarely misread a situation.

As I thought, she turned to face me as I walked past her, taking a step back towards the wall. In any case, I wasn't at my best, and had no training in unarmed combat. It was a vain hope anyway. Just somewhat less vain than fist against gun at a distance.

I've never really needed this kind of assessment before. Nothing came to mind. Perhaps experience would temper that, but before, I had more options. Overwhelming power simply left the question of how to best leverage it. Leveraging no power at all is a very novel and rather unpleasant experience.

And the terror of walking down a corridor with your back to a woman with a gun who most likely intends to kill you best goes without description. I could barely walk, and could barely do anything but walk.

Passing people was the worst part. It was a vain hope to me. Perhaps one of them would see somehow, or understand, or meet my eyes when I tried to catch them. But even if I gained telepathy, no one could do anything. For the good of all, I restrained any desperate desire to look around.

All told, I'd screwed up. Natsuki would not be happy.

"Get away from Shizuru, you crazy bitch! Get the fuck away from her!"

I'd hoped that she'd think to sneak up. But for several reasons, I can say with calm retrospection that she'd done the right thing by her instincts after all.

First, everyone around us snapped out of a tourist's haze and started looking around.

Second, that woman looked instinctively over her shoulder, just as I was looking over mine, both to confirm the same thing.

Third, that voice cut through my own choking fear. I turned and threw myself bodily at my captor without stopping for thought.

We crashed together and she staggered back, managing to keep her balance. Her right arm moved, but I grabbed it with both of mine, stopping her. So far so good. She kicked hard at my shin, struggling to break free, then slipped her left hand inside her coat. A moment later, it came up holding a switchblade. It flicked open and stabbed down.

There wasn't any thought. I could add thoughts afterwards, to rationalise things, to explain why doing this or that was an intelligent move. But that would be a lie. My body reacted, her body reacted. That's all.

I released her right arm the moment I saw her move and slid backwards, throwing myself back as the silver surface came around. Somehow, it missed me, and I staggered back, managing belatedly to keep my feet. And then I was staring down the barrel of a pistol. I moved left. Something exploded past my right ear, and there were screams around me. So much screaming. But I perceived another moment. An arm grabbed her right elbow, jerking it violently aside, then Natsuki was on top of her, biting her ear. The woman grimaced in pain, shaking herself violently. I jumped forwards. She reversed the knife in her left hand, and I've no idea how I noticed a detail like that. Natsuki yelped, her grip loosening, and the pistol pointed at me again. I threw myself forwards. There was another explosion of sound, but I've no idea where bullet went. I hit her somewhere below the waist, pushing her straight down on top of Natsuki. I straddled her waist and pinned her arms, struggling to keep her down. Later, I'd be bruised across my legs were she struggled violently, but I didn't notice that. Natsuki grabbed her neck from behind, trying to choke her. And finally, belatedly, the bravest people around us moved. Somehow it ended.

Two men I didn't know held her still, while Natsuki pointed the gun at the woman's head. Blood dripped from her thigh, where the knife was still stuck. I like to think it was that sight, rather than my own injuries, that made my knees fold under me. But it was probably the fear. I have no more words. I am done. I started to cough violently, a fit that descended into retching, bile rising in my throat.

And that woman screamed. "You witch, you hag, you killed him, I'll kill you, I'll fucking kill you, I'll tear you apart." And so on. I don't remember the exact words. I just remember the meaning, what had lain behind her face all along. Sheer, unadulterated, visceral hatred, for me and for me alone. She despised my very existence and wished I had never been born with a passion she would ruin her own life to satisfy. And if we were both to die, she would probably be content. But I wasn't going to die.

Finally, my body left my control completely, and I threw up across an ancient temple floor.


	32. Chapter 32

**Windows of the Soul: Part Thirty-Two**

On the actual Shiznat stuff, I am taking things slowly, though I hope to be a little faster than some predictions. That's because Shiznat is essentially a problem pairing, as others have highlighted. Exploring the different ramifications of Shizuru's actions is interesting, and in the end more compassionate for her as a character than cheap and easy forgiveness.

Watching the girls struggle and fight with their own power, rather than a Hime's power, is just gravy.

* * *

You can forget about reality, but reality doesn't ever forget about you. And our reality is different from what normal people see and know.

I was naïve to think that we could just lead ordinary lives at our own convenience, and now I've been reminded. That's impossible.

I wish Shizuru were here. But do I want to watch her, or have her watch over me? I'm not sure. Perhaps a little of both. That's ordinary, I suppose, and how things should be. But this isn't an ordinary circumstance and it's not like I don't understand their reasons.

"You're a little lucky," the doctor remarked, scrutinising the wound closely. "Your clothes took some of the impact and overall the wound could be worse. There's some tissue damage, but nothing deeper. It's good that you took the proper steps, as well. There hasn't been major internal damage, so there's no need for surgery. I'll take the knife out, stop the bleeding, and dress it. Though scraps of cloth from your clothes have contaminated the wound. They will have to come out."

"That's going to be painful, isn't it?" I said dully.

"Don't worry. We'll put you under anaesthetic."

Or in other words, yes. So much so we have to do something about it. I just nodded absently.

On another note, the knife was still in my leg. Pulling it out makes things worse rather than better until there's proper medical help on hand. Shizuru and I both knew that, though for different reasons. I had practical experience, and tips for useful people. She went on her damn course. "How is Shizuru?" I asked suddenly, wondering why I hadn't wondered before. "Was she wounded?"

"I didn't see anything offhand, beyond shock, but she is being looked after as well. Don't worry about it." The doctor pulled on those skin-tight, disposable gloves. Very creepy and impersonal. "You will both be find, so just relax and keep calm."

"I'm calm," I replied automatically. "I'm perfectly calm."

"Good. We will only be using local anaesthetic, unless you have any objection to that." A nurse handed the doctor a syringe, and he turned to me. "Please don't move at all."

"Don't worry. I'm no coward," I replied. Even so, my gaze drifted downwards with his, and swam worryingly. It was worse than it looked. Wounds are always worse than they look, because blood spreads like water and exists to freak you out. Even when it's just soaking white bandages red, that still isn't nice. Why white, anyway? It just makes it look even worse. But that knowledge didn't change the fact that it looked pretty bad, or the fact that there was a knife in my thigh.

It had been a good month and a half since the last time someone tried to stab me with a pointed object. I'm just sad it's over.

"But you know, you have the luck of the devil," the doctor remarked conversationally, looking at me. "No major blood vessels cut, either. It's quite impressive."

Well, reassurance comes in many forms. "This is nothing," I replied absently. "If you mean not dying, Shizuru is the devil herself. So it's only natural…"

Blood-loss does not promote coherency, okay? And that was before the anaesthetic. But he just nodded, gently touching the back of my upper thigh with his fingers. Presumably he was looking for something, and not just groping me for the hell of it. When he did, or when he got bored, he stabbed me with the needle. Being stabbed is treatment for being stabbed. Who would have thought it?

My leg started to go numb, which was probably a good thing. At least, I hoped so. Just as long as he hadn't got me somewhere vital. It would be a bit poor to be laid low by a doctor after seeing off a crazy gun and knife woman.

Is there anything truly vital in the upper leg? I can't remember. Maybe a vein or something.

"But the good news is that, apart from the stab wound, you're in perfectly good health," the doctor remarked, pulling the syringe out and putting it down on a tray. Next, he was handed some tweezerlike things. "So there isn't anything else to worry about. Now bear with me for a moment, as this will likely hurt."

I nodded shortly, trying not to move. It's not like he had to tell me. If I moved, it would be really, really bad. "Can Shizuru come?" I asked. "It would help distract me."

He appeared to consider it for a moment, then nodded to the nurse. "Very well, if she isn't being treated herself."

"Thanks."

"Not at all. It will be convenient for you, later, when you're proving to your friends that you went through this. She can add details you might not remember."

And he's so serious all the time I can't even work out whether or not he's joking. I suppose that isn't the important thing, but rather, this is part of the same theory. If he talks, it gives me something else to focus on rather than the vital red stuff leaking slowly from my leg. I tried to watch him, with the same understanding, though that was rather less encouraging. He was preparing various things that didn't look universally pleasant. I know from experience that antiseptics hurt like hell.

The door opened again, and the nurse returned, Shizuru close on her heels. "She was waiting outside. Her injuries aren't very severe, so there wasn't any need for immediate treatment."

Shizuru smiled slightly at me, before her gaze travelled downwards. She didn't look very happy. And I somehow found the time to worry about her, and whether or not I'd scare her too much. As if she was the one stabbed, or something. She makes me way too kind-hearted. But it doesn't help that she _looked _like she was the one stabbed. "Holding up, Natsuki?" she asked quietly.

"Yeah," I replied, smiling a little. "Sorry, Shizuru. I messed up your kimono."

Shizuru made a noise somewhere between a snort and a sob, then coughed for a moment, before gathering herself. "I'll forgive you, under the circumstances," she croaked, smiling more broadly despite her sad eyes.

Though she's sad, she smiles for me. I think those two things together are the best comfort.

"A note on procedure," the doctor said gravely. "I will be removing the dressing the paramedics gave you, then the knife. We will briefly arrest the flow of blood to your leg while I remove the cloth, then sterilise the wound. After that, it will be dressed more permanently."

I nodded shortly. "Okay." I tried not to sound apprehensive. This was nothing, right?

Shizuru walked forwards tentatively, kneeling by me. "Is this fine?"

"As long as you stay out of the way and don't move her, by all means," the doctor said. "I hope you aren't afraid of blood."

"I can deal with it," she replied, voice tense. "Please don't concern yourself with me."

"I won't." The doctor stood back while the nurse knelt, cutting away the bandages and removing the padding. "Don't look," he advised.

Easier said than done. I tried to focus my eyes on Shizuru instead, her crimson eyes so close to mine. His fingers probed around the wound, but I didn't really feel it, if I wasn't looking. So if I just watched her, I could pretend nothing was happening.

"Okasama is on her way, and Otousama will come soon after," Shizuru said quietly, smiling. "Everyone is very worried."

"I'm not surprised," I replied lightly. A moment later, a blinding pain shot up my leg. "Shit!" Anaesthetic, my ass. It doesn't do a bloody thing. He probably used water or something.

I made the mistake of looking, and didn't like what I saw. "Well, it's out," the doctor said, unnecessarily. It was an ugly, functional blade, its appearance hardly improved by the fact that it was covered in crusted blood. "If it was a bullet, I'd let you keep it, but as it is I don't think I can," he remarked irrelevantly, putting it down on a tray.

The nurse was doing something complicated to my lower body and I doubted things were going to get any better, so I resolved not to look down for anything any more. Focus. Focus on Shizuru.

Why the hell does she have those damn blasted blood-red eyes?

Shizuru actually took my hand, holding it tightly. "It'll be okay, Natsuki."

"What?" I asked impatiently. "It's not like- aaah…" I clamped my lips shut, keeping myself absolutely still as my leg was torn open by pliers. Well, that's what it felt like, anyway. A moment's pain is bad enough, so bad that you can't think, but this was that and then lingered. Each successive jolt merged with the aftershock. Like a thunderstorm, maybe? But that's all retrospective, as my thoughts right then equated to 'oh god the pain' or thereabouts.

"You know, I haven't thanked you yet," Shizuru remarked quietly. Her face was actually close to mine, if I thought about it. That was something that abruptly occurred to me. I don't think I blushed, because I didn't have the blood to spare. But, well, she does have a pretty face.

Yep, blood loss really is bad for coherent thought.

"You saved my life, and I am grateful. So thank you, Natsuki."

I smiled weakly. And I am glad that you are glad to be alive. This is nothing, compared to that. But that isn't something I can just say, either, because of who I am. Can you read it in my eyes?

And in the end, the doctor did whatever it is that they do. Probably what he said he would do, but he may have been lying. I don't trust anyone who repeatedly sticks sharp things in the general vicinity of my wounds. And he told me to do what I should do, which was to eat well, rest a lot and for god's sake spare the damn leg. Or something like that. This was turning out to be a really crappy holiday, rather jinxed by our physical aliments. And Shizuru was bandaged up, as well, though she'd received nothing worse than heavy bruising. I don't know what that is, a residue power of hers or her insane luck or her instincts and my own together, or even a god or fate or Kiyohime watching over their protégé, though I could credit all of those things. But whatever let her avoid two pistol shots at close range is beyond any mere gratitude I could feel.

Of course, the cynical part of me says it has something to do with the fact that our assailant was trying to fire a SIG P229 one-handed and without aiming properly under considerable pressure. But I'm willing to put rice cakes at the Kiyohime shrine all the same, if there's such a thing. Luck is luck.

Waiting for her was the worst part, somehow. So she wasn't shot or stabbed, but that doesn't mean she came out pretty. And more than just the physical pain, her face is dangerous at times. Pained, contained, and distant. I hate it when she looks like that, even though she has every excuse to be just like that. I don't want her to be in pain. And what happened to my grand resolves, either? That I'd protect her? Don't make me laugh. I was complacent, and careless, and when I was punished for that I screwed up. I didn't die, and she didn't die. Under the circumstances, that is perhaps the best possible outcome. But I shouldn't have let it come to that. I shouldn't have had to rely on my strength, forced her to rely on hers, and left us in such a situation where only desperate instincts and passion provided us with a way to survive. Shizuru suffers more than me, though that, and though she has so much strength in her own right she's less suited to it than me. I suppose, it's a matter of desperation. When I was younger, I never had anything to lose. Even now I have a few precious attachments, and no more. But Shizuru is different. She has her family. She has me.

She pushed me into a corner, and I pushed her away. In that situation she was so desperate she fell further than I had ever done, and that was powerful. She could protect herself, certainly. But I never want to do that to her again. That's why this isn't acceptable. Somehow, I should have found a better way. Not splitting up. Or aiming to take her down from the start, or swallowing pride and fear and calling the police sooner, or remembering to take my knife, or better still my gun, or deciding not to leave the safety of the house in the first place… there are too many things that I could have done differently. That's why I have to take responsibility for what happened, which was too close.

In a way, perhaps I should even be grateful. This wound is a good reminder of that reality, which I will bear in mind from now on. And I will absolutely and sincerely protect Shizuru, in a way that leaves me with no regrets. For me as well as for her that's the best thing for me to do. So I'm not afraid.

Now to make that happen. As a person, I'm better at resolves than plans.

"Natsuki. Where is Shizuru?"

I blinked at the use of my name, looking up.

Pinkish eyes returned my gaze, hard and cool at the same time. "I need to see her," Viola said, her voice deceptively calm. "Here and now."

"She's being treated right now," I said uneasily. "No one can see her…"

Viola's face tightened, but Saaya placed a hand on her shoulder before she could say anything. "And you, Natsuki-chan? You've been injured."

"I'm fine," I replied, a little unbalanced. "Okay, I'm not, but… it could be worse. More importantly, Shizuru will be fine. She was bruised, but nothing more. We were incredibly lucky."

"That's good," Viola said, her voice intense. She forced a smile. "I'm very sorry, Kuga-san, if I've come across as a little brusque."

"Not at all-" I began, as I always do.

"Call her Natsuki-chan," Saaya suggested.

Viola blinked. "Would that be appropriate? This is hardly the time."

"On the contrary, I think when someone is injured defending our daughter, that is a very good time to make of them familiar family," Saaya said. "Don't you think, Natsuki-chan?"

I blinked. "Well, I don't know… you shouldn't feel an obligation…"

Viola sighed and regarded me, smiling slightly. "I'll take the point. And if she is fine, then I should be fine as well. Anything else would be a little insincere, don't you think?"

I shrugged slightly, completely wrong-footed. "I'm just amazed that you two can remain you two even in this kind of situation, myself. I still have no idea what you're talking about."

Viola laughed at that. "I think I can guess what Saaya would say. There is no better time to be oneself, right?"

"More or less," Saaya conceded.

"Well, whatever makes you happy," I said, folding my arms.

"Her face is very Natsuki-like," Saaya remarked. "So I don't think she's being a different person either."

"Is there such a thing?" I asked.

"In any case, I won't trouble you for an account. I doubt you are in a state where providing that is easy." Viola folded her arms, sighing. "If there's anything I can do, please tell me, but my suspicion is that I'm utterly impotent right now. Correct?"

"Perhaps. Right now, I feel the same way." I looked sideways, noticing that Saaya was holding a folded parasol. Was that for Viola? That must be rather difficult for them.

And of course Shizuru is hardly at her best. Now, too, my leg has been cut up and I need badly to spare it. I envy that bastard, just a little, for being the only one of us still able to go where he pleases. Where is he now, I wonder?

"I passed a police officer on the way here," Viola remarked casually. "I take it they've taken charge of things."

I nodded. "Apparently, they want our statements. So even when we're done here, we still can't go home."

"Considering everything together, this verges on the unforgivable," Viola remarked quietly. "I will have to see about that. I'll wait for her first, though, and stay calm. It would be a little unfortunate if I did anything reckless that Shinri would disapprove of."

I snorted slightly. "When is he getting here anyway? He's slow."

"He will come as soon as he can. That's absolute," Viola replied. She glanced sidelong at me. "But, I'm very impressed. You're dealing with the situation remarkably well, and with remarkable courage."

"Do you think?" I asked. "Is that strange?"

"Hmm. Perhaps just a little. But you are a strong girl."

"Right now, I'm just in denial," I said cynically. "Which is the opposite of strength. I don't intend to remember."

"Is that so? Then I will do my best to pretend that nothing has happened, as well." Viola closed her eyes briefly, sighing. "But this is a strange and disturbing world. Sometimes I sicken of it, just never so much as I should, if I'm judging by this moment here and now."

I looked at her thoughtfully, but it was Saaya who spoke first. "Perhaps, but it doesn't do to despair of the world your daughter still lives in. Isn't it better to recycle things instead?"

Viola smiled wryly, looking down at the floor. "You're right, again. We are all alive."

It seems like it's worse for her than for me. In part, because she's contemplating a misty imagining, based on a few points of light, where I'm turning away and closing my eyes to a vivid reality. Perhaps because there is a difference between my love and her love for her daughter? I'm not sure. Or because this is incomprehensible to her, where I think I know the reason.

The door opened, the nurse stepped aside, and Shizuru walked through. Viola went from standing to hug in two seconds flat. "Darling…"

Shizuru returned the embrace, closing her eyes briefly. "Sorry, Okasama."

She didn't say what she was sorry for. In any case, is this the first time I've seen them hug? And they broke off quickly, as well. But they aren't a hugs and kisses family, I guess.

That doesn't change the passion in Viola's eyes.

"As long as you're alive," Viola said gently. "Shall we go?"

"Okay." Shizuru was looking very pale, far worse even than earlier with me. I suppose I can guess why, she still isn't healthy. I just thought she'd be well _enough_, without thinking to anticipate attempted homicide. How could I let this happen?

She stumbled slightly. I stepped forwards instinctively, reaching out to grab her arm, and bit my lip as pain shot up my leg. God.

Viola took Shizuru's arm gently, subtly supporting her. "Shinri will be back soon, but a car is waiting in the meantime. We will go on ahead."

"What about the police?" Shizuru asked. "They told me that they wanted to see me."

"They can come to us, or wait," Viola said calmly. "I won't have them dictate to us when you two are in such a state. Now let's see. I despise hospitals, and their ambience is the last thing any sick person needs. Lead the way, Saaya."

"Of course."

"When we get home, can we have tea?" Shizuru asked. Viola gave her a blank look, and she smiled slightly. "I promised Natsuki."

"You can have all the tea you like," Viola said, sounding a little bemused. "Incidentally, if there's anything else you want, like a car or an apartment, this would be a good time to ask. Not even Shinri would refuse you anything right now."

Shizuru chuckled lightly. "I see. I'll think about that carefully."

Honestly, these people really do operate on a different scale from the normal…

"And Natsuki-chan too. If you're a family member now, that's only fair," Viola said lightly.

I scowled. "I'm not interested in anything like that."

"Even so, you were there besides her, and were wounded for her." Viola gave me an innocent look. "I will find some way to thank you."

"Don't thank me for doing the human thing," I retorted. "But if you're on the subject, there is something I wouldn't mind."

"Yes?" Viola asked expectantly.

"More mayonnaise on the menu," I said shortly. "All these formal Japanese meals are killing me."

Shizuru laughed quietly. "I'm glad that you still have that kind of spirit. And I'm indebted to you again, for risking yourself so much for me…"

"Not you too," I complained. "Look, I did what I had to do. I don't want to be thanked by that. In fact, if I am owed favours, then I'll call them by telling everyone to stop talking about it."

"Very well," Shizuru said lightly. "I will forget it, as best I can."

"How are your injuries?" I asked.

"Aside from heavy bruising to my upper legs, I'm fine. Just a little… fragile."

"I'm glad," I said awkwardly. "Well, I mean, I'm glad you're fine. I'm not glad that you've taken some injuries… just glad that it could be worse, if you know what I mean?"

Shizuru just nodded stiffly, still with that weak smile. I didn't like it, but it was only natural.

We carried on in silence. It was hard to think of what to say. Anything that wasn't about the incident would be flippant, and anything that was about it would be morbid. So we were just left with our morbid and lonely thoughts, instead.

To my surprise, Shinri was in the lobby, suit and all. I was a little more surprised still to see him arguing vocally with someone in casual clothes. Oh, he wasn't shouting. I'm sure he considers himself above shouting. But I felt a little sorry for the presumed policeman, all the same.

"Dear," Viola called.

Shinri looked up and nodded. "Viola, good. We're going home." He turned away as if the matter was settled.

"Yes, dear," Viola said, moving to follow him.

The man stepped deftly between them, flashing his badge. "Excuse me, Fujino-san. I am Detective Kishita, CIB. I'm afraid we need to ask the girls a few simple questions first."

"As I have assured you most assiduously, Detective, that will be deferred," Shinri said, turning and giving the man an aloof glare. "They will rest."

"I appreciate your concern, but the is an important case, with special procedures," Kishita said, raising his hands. "These are orders from above, Fujino-san. It is out of my hands."

"Then get your superiors on the phone to me," Shinri said shortly. "I will correct them. My daughter has been attacked by a mad gunwoman in what is supposed to be a gun-free country, and you sincerely think I will just stand by while you interrogate her for hours?"

"I understand that, Fujino-san, but neither of us have any choice in this matter. Could you please be reasonable about this?"

"Reason be damned! There isn't anything to be reasonable about, this is madness!" And now Shinri was raising his voice.

It was a little surprising. Is this his kind of love?

"Now, you should understand that they both need rest," Viola began. "We're very keen to put them as much at ease as is possible, and a police station won't help with that. But perhaps if you came to our house, and waited a few hours before they are ready to talk? What do you think, dear?"

Shinri visibly controlled himself, and nodded shortly. "Yes. That would be more acceptable."

"That would be reasonable for us, as well," Kishita said eagerly. "So we can-"

"No. I'm afraid that won't do." He'd been sitting on the other side of the chairs, before, and I hadn't noticed him. But now he stood, turning to regard us coolly. Young, black hair, glasses, a cold expression. There are a few people I hate on sight, mostly men, and now two such people were staring each other down. "Procedure is specific."

"And you are?" Shinri said, by way of building up towards the explosion.

"This is Ikumu Jouon," Kishita said, frowning in apparent distaste. "He is a Special Police Sergeant."

"Then please reign your Sergeant in, Detective, I have no patience with young fools," Shinri said dismissively.

"I'm sorry, Fujino-san. But your proposed compromise won't be possible." He turned to regard us. "The testimony of these girls is vital. I also know that they may have truly exclusive information on the situation."

Kishita scowled deeply, but said nothing. That alone told me something was up.

"It's fine," Shizuru said quietly. And we all turned to her. "If Natsuki has no objection," she added, glancing at me. "But for my part, I would rather see this through and be done with it."

"Shizuru…" Viola murmured.

"I forbid it," Shinri remarked, folding his arms. "It is self-evident to any sensible man that you are in no shape to answer questions."

Shizuru stepped towards him, keeping her face even. "That's not true. I can reply. And besides, you are the one who taught me to be strong when I need to be strong." She stopped in front of him, and smiled slightly. "This is for the best."

Her gaze slipped sideways, and she looked at me.

"That may be so, but right now," Shinri said uncertainly.

I walked carefully forwards, limping slightly, and stood by her. "No, let us do this." I looked up into his eyes. "If it'll help, I'll do it."

Shinri sighed. "Do as you wish."

I noticed Ikumu watching us, out of the corner of my eye. He pushed his glasses up his nose. "As I would expect of you both," he remarked. "An admirable resolve."

"But they won't leave my sight," Shinri said sharply, turning to regard the two policemen. "They are victims, not criminals, and they won't be interrogated."

"Please, Fujino-san, we are respectable authority figures," Kishita protested. "They will be treated with all possible tact and courtesy."

"From you two, that does little to reassure me," Shinri remarked, turning away.

And he really did make good on his promise, sitting in the front passenger seat. Did he expect them to kidnap us, or what?

But it was Ikumu who took the driver's seat, while Kishita followed behind with Viola and Saaya. And before he set off, he pulled a clipboard from somewhere and handed it to me. "This may be of interest to you. The assailant has already confessed, but… it is as you see. I would appreciate your thoughts."

_The testimony of Umi Tsuda, Corporal, First Division First District._

My face tightened involuntarily. Even if you expect an unpleasant truth, it still isn't easy to accept it. Shizuru made a small noise, but said nothing more. "What is the First District?" I asked, managing to sound at least a little puzzled. "Some kind of secret service?"

"I know no more than you do," Ikumu said, turning back and starting up the car.

First Division, their special forces. Division was too grand, as far as I could ever determine there were no more than one hundred to two hundred and fifty of them. As an organisation, they'd always relied on power of all kinds over numbers. But the First Firsts were supposed to be the best. I'd never seen one, before now.

I do know that, as with any other part of the First District, those who had been at headquarters during that day died, with a casualty rate approaching 100. Only those posted elsewhere survived.

Compared to the power of a Hime, special forces training and guns are altogether too trivial, after all.

It's less funny for two teenage girls.

Shizuru snatched the clipboard from me. I blinked, trying to keep hold of it. "Shizuru, stop it!" I said quietly.

She regarded me with hard, wild eyes. "Give it to me."

Something about that face made me forget myself for a moment, long enough for her to take it from me. I realised my mistake too late. "Shizuru… take it easy," I advised, touching her shoulder.

She didn't look up or acknowledge me. I looked down, and read what she was reading.

_I was born in Tokyo, and raised to be a competitive sportsman…_I skipped her life story. _After I left university, I was scouted and then recruited by the First District's Third Division. The First District was a secret organisation dedicated to serving God. I did not learn this at the time, but learned more as we moved up the ranks. Our main purpose was to oversee the Carnival, in which twelve girls would fight to the death using the power of God, and the last would become a vassal for his reincarnation. Transferred to First Division, the special forces, I was given access to information on all of the twelve HiME, or the girls who would be involved in that fight. HiME stands for HIghly-advanced Materialising Equipment, and refers to their ability to manipulate photons and create from them coherent weapons. Two of the HiME were Natsuki Kuga and Shizuru Fujino._

I scanned the rest of the page. She'd written down everything. _Everything._In a strange way, it was horrifying. Somehow she had broken an unwritten rule. Well, it would have been the first rule… while the First District still existed. Does any of that even matter now?

I remembered myself, and my role. "Isn't this just the ranting of a mad woman?"

"It certainly reads that way," Ikumu remarked. "But she was very insistent on every detail at times, and sincerely vague at others. If nothing else, her madness is consistent."

"That is of very little comfort," Shinri said irritably. "You should be less casual about this."

"It's a good story," Shizuru said suddenly.

I glanced at her, worried by her tone. "It is?"

She looked up, giving me a slightly manic smile. "Apparently, I killed around eight hundred of her comrades. Including her fiancé."


	33. Chapter 33

**Windows of the Soul: Part Thirty-Three**

The figure of 800 is speculative, as it has to be. Beyond knowing that Shizuru destroyed almost all of First District, we have nothing more, and are left to guess at it's size, role, location and so much else. On top of that, our witness has a motive to lie. There are other interesting questions raised by that incident, as well, ones I intend to visit in due course.

Today's chapter has a special bonus. It's just a scrap of something I wanted to write, without having much significance to the plot itself.

* * *

We sat at a table, and they sat opposite us. Shinri stood over Shizuru, and Viola over me. Devil and angel side by the side. Saaya simply watched, in her very quiet way, from the edge of the room.

Shizuru looked at a fixed point on the desk, her face expressionless. It was hard to say whether she was even awake. Either way, she wasn't focusing on what was around her. I am hoping that's simply her natural exhaustion.

When I was younger, I would simply let that be. By finding convenient excuses, and always taking the easy way out, I could spare myself, even in those times when Shizuru was sad. I didn't need her to be a person. I wanted her to be angelic and perfect, so I could lay all my pain on her. And I forced her into that role, even as she stepped into it of her own free will. The two are so intertwined I can't distinguish them at all, because everything she did was for me anyway. But I let her reflect on that complexity alone, while I dealt with a simple life.

Now things are different, and I feel rather powerless. Even if I resolve to take responsibility, doing that isn't easy, when you don't know what to do. But my promise is also that I shouldn't hesitate, even if I'm wrong. So I tried to remember what she did, that made me feel better, so many times before. I put my hand on her shoulder, watching her face closely.

Shizuru looked up slightly then averted her eyes again. But I kept my grip, even if it was making me self-conscious. In my mind, my touch is her chain, and my presence her anchor. Perhaps if I just keep holding on, she will stay with me. So runs optimism without regard for reality.

"Well, shall we begin?" Ikumu suggested.

Kishita nodded, shuffling through the papers that had been thrust upon him. "Very well. We shouldn't keep them long, after all." He looked up at us. "In any case, we will attempt to remain reasonable. These are just a few simple questions to see if you have information that could be useful for us."

"Go ahead," Shizuru said quietly.

"Well, then." Kishita looked down. "As far as you know, do either of you have any possible connection to the perpetrator? Anything at all?"

"Besides the fact that I killed all her friends?" Shizuru asked, with deceptive lightness. "Using Kiyohime."

Kishita chuckled slightly. "Well, quite. Let us set that matter aside, and speak in more reasonable terms."

"I've never met her, or met anyone who has met her, or had anything to do with her," I said firmly. "Shizuru's the same."

When he looked at her, Shizuru just nodded slightly, in some kind of agreement. He appeared to accept that answer and moved on. "And I take it you are _the _Fujino family? Does she have any connection to you?"

"None that I know of, though we employ many people," Shinri said shortly. "I will have the records scoured for any connection, but I have no expectations."

"We will liase with you in that, as it's one of the more distinct possibilities," Kishita said. "Thank you for your co-operation."

"When did you first notice the presence of your assailant?" Ikumu asked shortly.

I'd been expecting that one. "I took note of her almost from our arrival in Uji, but only insofar as she was tall and dressed unusually. It was only much later when I began to notice her systematically following us."

"And you, Shizuru Fujino-san?"

"After Natsuki," Shizuru replied. "She was acting strangely."

"So, the two of you noticed that you were being stalked before arriving at Byodo-in?"

"We_suspected _that," I said firmly. "But I didn't have anything concrete."

"And why is it that you didn't call for police assistance yourselves?" Ikuru asked, folding his hands in front of his face and staring over them at us. "You have mobile phones, I assume?"

"Just who is being accused here?" Shinri demanded sharply.

"Umi Tsuda," Ikuru replied indifferently. "I'm simply gathering information on everything."

"We weren't certain," I said doggedly. "I didn't want to overreact. Besides, it's not like we knew she had a gun. We were just going to go home, so we called for people to pick us up."

Ikuru nodded, picking up a pencil with his left hand and scribbling a note. "I see."

"Have any of you been approached with threats over the past few months?" Kishita asked. "After all, the Fujino are a rather high-profile family."

"Not particularly, speaking for our part," Shinri said. "Though I shouldn't have to remind you that they were both involved in the Fuka Incident."

"We're well aware of that, Fujino-san," Ikuru said firmly. "However, it is difficult to say if this was related to that. It certainly doesn't correspond to the modus operandi of the PMC involved."

"As a theory, it's a lot more credible than that nonsense excuse for a confession," Shinri said firmly. "This wouldn't be the first time that our daughter has been targeted by that group, if that's their explanation."

"Well, that is so," Ikuru conceded, writing another note. "We will consider everything in due course. And how about you two, Kuga-san and Shizuru Fujino-san? Did you have any reason to anticipate this?"

"Not at all," I said, glaring at him. "Though even if I say that, I'm becoming accustomed to our very bad luck."

"I don't believe in luck, myself," Ikuru remarked quietly. "You've used an information broker in the past, haven't you, Kuga-san?"

I blinked, staring hard at him. Behind me, Viola made a small sound. "That was for personal reasons, unconnected to this."

"Of course. I'm not implying anything by that, save that you may be indirectly connected to less than savoury individuals." Ikuru pushed his glasses up his nose. "That is also something we will be consider as a possible theory."

"Most of everything comes back to Shizuru Fujino-san. You were targeted first, by most accounts, and the possibility of kidnap provides a motive." Kishita glanced at her. "Before Kuga-san moved in to save you, you were being taken away, correct?"

Shizuru just nodded silently.

"That's very suggestive. Well, this shouldn't be very difficult. We have the criminal, after all." Kishita smiled encouragingly at her. "I'm sure that a few hours of intensive interrogation will allow us to break her nonsense theory. So don't worry. We will have good news for you within the next few days."

"I suggest you look about where she got the gun, as well," Shinri said caustically. "This is supposed to be a safe country."

"We shouldn't take anything for granted, by all means," Ikuru said ambiguously. "Why did you split up?"

He was asking Shizuru, but I promptly replied. "We were hoping to lure her in one direction, meet behind, and then run the other way. At that point, of course, we still thought of her as just a stalker."

"Was that your idea, Kuga-san?"

I hesitated for a moment, then shook my head. "No. It was Shizuru's." I was tiring inwardly. The throbbing pain in my leg didn't put me in the best position for complex thought, and this was almost as bad as being guilty. Some truth had to be disclosed, and some of it hidden. Ikuru was neither an easy nor a charitable opponent, and if I wasn't careful, he'd trap us.

If we weren't in the same room, he'd undoubtedly destroy us one after the other.

"I see. Well, that's not inconsistent. You were also lucky insofar as splitting up allowed you to fight from two angles at once. I take it that wasn't part of your logic, Shizuru Fujino-san?"

"No," Shizuru said steadily. "I didn't expect her to be armed."

"Of course, it also risked making one of you a sacrifice to guarantee the safety of the other. You are quite luckily." Ikuru turned and looked briefly at me, and I looked back stonily. It's not like that thought hadn't occurred to me already. "In any case, you turned and confronted her directly, witnesses say. Why is that? Why didn't you stick to your own plan?"

"I was unnerved, and reacted in an instinctive way," Shizuru replied in a low voice. "For me, confrontation is how I usually deal with fear. It was an emotional rather than a rational decision, but grounded in the logic that she was not armed."

"A lot hinges on that point," Ikuru mused. "But if you intended that, why did you not do it together? That would have held more force."

"Shizuru isn't the criminal here," Shinri repeated forcefully. "I won't permit anyone to talk to my daughter in that manner."

"I will speak as necessary to bring out the truth you desire," Ikuru said. "But that wasn't an important point. I am simply seeking a better understanding of the whole situation."

Like hell you were. I'm with Shinri, for once. Just who are you trying to learn more about here?

I just wish I wasn't a little interested, myself. I couldn't help but glance at Shizuru's face, which was dark and downcast. Is this your truth, Shizuru? You put yourself in danger. Is this how you live? And were your reasons and your feelings the same when you came before the others then?

"Did she say anything to you, before or after the fight?" Kishita asked. "We have a transcript of what she says she says right here. If there are significant differences, we will have a weak-point in her story."

"Is that even necessary?" I asked abruptly. "It's self-evidently nonsense."

Ikuru snorted slightly. "I'm afraid things aren't that simple, Kuga-san," he said ambiguously.

"That's to say, this is plainly nonsense she's approaching solid grounds for special treatment due to insanity," Kishita said. "If this is sincere, she is plainly under a significant and entrenched delusion. More likely, though, this is simply a way to attain that verdict, in which case we must destroy it as any other false testimony, and prove her sincere motives."

I bit my lip. That was troublesome. I sincerely doubted whether they'd be able to disprove that "delusion". And if she were given the slightest opening, any member of the First Firsts would surely take it. It wasn't just bitterness behind that confession, after all.

"Her words, Shizuru Fujino-san," Ikuru prompted forcefully.

"She called me 'Shizuru-Hime' when I turned to face her," Shizuru said slowly. "She told me to come with her, threatened my family, and showed me her gun. That's all I really remember."

"Now, please think carefully," Kishita said. "Did she say anything about Kuga-san?"

"She said she had no interest in her," Shizuru said. "And called her Natsuki-Hime."

I gritted my teeth, carefully not-glaring at Shizuru. If we denied the Hime stuff, her story would be damaged. If Shizuru had been fully herself, she'd see that. But, on the other hand, if someone else had overheard that conversation, we'd be the ones damaged… it was tough, to decide on anything. For Shizuru it must be worse.

"And did you say to her this particular thing, with reference to her threatening your family?" Ikuru asked, looking up at her. "I think that if you did that, you would be the same as the one you hate… or words to that effect."

My hands tensed over my knees, and I tried not to glance at Shizuru. Shit. She'd said something like that? The only hope is that her allusive tongue stopped her from saying something more specific.

Shizuru didn't reply for a moment. "Yes. I said that."

"What was the significance of that statement?"

"It was general," Shizuru said loosely. "For all humans, it should be that they'd hate such a thing. Especially if anyone threatened or killed her own family."

"That doesn't fit the phrasing," Ikuru remarked, leaning forwards slightly. "It sounds like you are referring to a specific individual, Shizuru-san. Is that so?"

"No specific individual was meant," Shizuru replied, gathering a hint of coldness to herself. "Forgive me if my phrasing was inexact at gunpoint."

I opened my mouth, wondering whether I should say something, then decided that would look dangerously nervous.

Ikuru's eyes flickered briefly over me, before returning to Shizuru. "Of course, Tsuda claimed a different meaning. She said that was an allusion to your part in killing her associates. An admission of guilt, if you like."

"Naturally, she would," Shizuru replied shortly, and said nothing more.

I suppressed a smile. And that was that.

"Once again, you've hit upon leading questions," Shinri noted. "Do you have an agenda here? Your attitude is extremely suggestive, and consistently biased. Is there any meaning to that?"

"You yourself are worse, but that is only natural for the father of a daughter," Ikuru returned evenly. "Rest easy. I am only doing my job."

"Well, let's remain civil," Kishita said easily. "The details of that conversation are important, and the spin Tsuda places on Shizuru Fujino-san's words are as significant as her actual meaning. You didn't question the use of Hime, or any other thing?"

"I don't question the vocabulary of an armed stalker," Shizuru replied.

Kishita nodded. "Of course. I ask for the sake of thoroughness. And when she confronted you, she did not immediately attack. That is significant as well, as she was still trying either to kidnap you, or at least to manoeuvre you to a location without witnesses. Hardly the action of a crazed avenger."

"Perhaps. But in my experience, there are two kinds of avenger." Ikuru folded his fingers together, looking at us both evenly. "Some are more prudent, and with an acute sense of self-preservation." He let that hang for a moment, then moved his eyes slightly. I knew without looking what he was looking at. "Others are destructive and self-destructive, and those act as you've implied, without regard for circumstances. Tsuda may have been the former, rather than the latter. Certainly, if she had been the latter kind, Shizuru-san would undoubtedly have died." He pushed his glasses up his nose. "That entertains the fantasy that she really had something to avenge, of course. Or at least, that she thought she did."

I struggled to keep my face even as those words echoed in my mind. I'd seen it, myself. Shizuru being gunned down from afar. But, before, I hadn't let myself feel it, and reflect on it, and drown in it, and let it consume me in such panic and fire that I could barely- see. But I'll see.

She is by my side, and alive.

"You're right, of course," Kishita admitted reasonably. "She may have motivations for anything. But it is still a point of interest."

"Her motivations aren't something for us to consider in depth now," Ikuru suggested. "As we stand, it is best simply to marshal the facts. Though, of course, I say this for the benefit of the family."

"Just get on with it, so we can go home," Shinri said shortly.

"Personally, I have nothing more to ask," Ikuru said.

Kishita frowned, glancing at his younger college. "Is that so? But if that is the case, then I will also leave it at that. We may call at some time for further questions, and everything else that will relate to the situation as it developed. Naturally, we will keep you informed of our own progress. And I'll take the chance to thank you all for coming." He stood, offering his hand.

Shizuru stood and took it without a word, and then I followed suit. "It isn't polite to say this," I remarked, "but lock her up for as long as possible."

"Not a very forgiving personality. Well, that's reasonable." Ikuru stood, but didn't offer his hand. Instead, he looked at me. "How would you react, if you ever wanted revenge, I wonder?"

"That's pointless speculation," I replied acidly.

"Forgive me," Ikuru returned, without sounding in the least bit sorry. "Perhaps the third kind, though. The kind who don't care to do anything, as long as they are alive. Or is that too cold, even for you? The coldest kind of person."

"That sounds like strength to me," Shizuru remarked quietly.

I grabbed her hand around the wrist. "Let's go, Shizuru."

I lead her out without allowing her to look back.

Viola hurried after us. "Now, we can finally go home," she said with forced brightness. "The two of you need to rest. You shouldn't walk so fast, Natsuki, with that leg."

I grimaced at the other reminders, but my pride made me keep on walking at the same speed for a few more seconds. Something twisted and for a moment, it felt like my leg would fold under me. Not the best idea.

"Damn." I grimaced, and slowed, but Shizuru didn't turn to look at me at all. I could only guess at her thoughts, and wonder what I could do.

"Shizuru," Shinri said shortly.

She turned and looked at him. "Yes, Otou-sama?"

"You did well," he said gruffly.

To my surprise, she actually smiled, just a little. "Thank you, Otou-sama."

"But don't be so reckless next time. You're my only heir, after all, so you need to look after yourself."

Shinri strode on ahead, and she watched him go. I was just a little jealous of him, in that moment. And not just because he could walk far faster than I could hope to right now.

"Hey, Shizuru," I said softly, forcing myself to smile.

She turned her head.

"Can I still take the day off revision?"

She snorted with laughter, then turned abruptly away. "Yes, I'm sure that will be fine…" she replied, her voice wavering. She touched her cheek briefly with her left hand.

I just watched her, and forced myself to smile. Thorns stuck and twisted in my heart.

Shinri was sitting in the driving seat of one of the family cars when we caught up with him, the chauffeur standing unceremoniously on the sidewalk. "Get in," he said briefly. "I will drive."

"Is that legal?" I asked dubiously.

He just shot me a dark look. "Saaya, you're in front. Kuga-san, stay off the middle seat. I don't want your head in the way of my view."

I snorted and got in, throwing myself into the furthest seat. Shizuru sat next to me, and Viola sat on the other side. And I understood, after the fact. Shizuru looked vaguely downwards, her gaze vacant, and I watched her.

"How about that tea?" Viola asked her. "Shall I call on ahead?"

Shizuru smiled dutifully. "Wouldn't that cause trouble?"

"Isn't that fine, though?" I reasoned. "Gives them something to do…"

And so on. Nonsense, but even nonsense will do. Anything, will do.

* * *

I am walking in the dark. My body, my mind, my heart, all of them are twisted and exhausted, falling away, until myself is an absent and peculiar concept. I'm not awake, I'm simply maintaining consciousness and movement by rote. A little more. A little more. Moment by moment. I am weighed down by my limbs and my cough and my fear and my disgust and so many memories, pilled up and turning around until they choke me. Continuation alone is a difficult necessity. I can't fall down. If I fall down now, I would lose any remaining reasons for me to stand up again.

This feeling is the same as then. My existence is a cancer, and though I'm torn and drained, without thought and without strength, I continue. In a way, it was spite, for the world, that had me walking back then. For the one I loved who hated me. Then. Now.

But they are around me and I can't fall. I can't burden them, any more than I already am. I should smile more. I should say more. I should dispel this fear of theirs. This is different from then, when I was alone and felt no warmth but Kiyohime's presence. Strong and sad. I like to think, perhaps, that she felt that way, from the beginning. My feelings, though I was all-too weak.

I wish I could feel that now. It would be a kind of fellowship, though Natsuki is warmer.

I shouldn't think those things. They remind me of other things. But my entire life is so, as well, and there aren't thoughts in this place that won't recall dark memories. Except, perhaps, thoughts of thoughts. That's why I'm doing this, tracing my own steps in circles. It's the only way I can continue, seeking to be thoughtless. My folly and my sin is to tie myself down with so many heavy regrets that I can't think. And to forget, is that my crime? Is this punishment? For daring to smile? For daring to think that I could be an innocent girl again? For daring to accept Natsuki's outstretched hand?

But that's wrong. That isn't the voice of the Kami, or anything else. They won't speak to me, and though they may hate this isn't an unjust world where they'll chase me. I am frail and weak, so their thoughts are enough.

This is my own despair, which has its own agenda, seeking only to destroy. If also else is fire, this isn't wrong. Accepting Natsuki's kindness isn't wrong. And wanting to see her smile sincerely again, that isn't wrong either.

Perhaps I can hold onto those thoughts alone, without thinking of dark things.

When we reach the house, I feel a special fatigue. When you know an ordeal is nearly over, you feel every moment threefold. When Hideko runs towards us, I can barely smile a weak, insincere reassurance. When we finally reach my room, I can't pretend any longer. I fall bodily onto my futon, knees folding first and slamming into the soft, warm material, and held out my arms, checking myself before my chest hit the ground. That would be too humiliating. I manage to turn that position into an awkward seiza, and tried to pull my zori off.

Okasama knelt behind, and gently eased them off. She smiled gently at me.

"Shizuru, get some rest," Otousama ordered from the door. "I will take care of everything else."

Everything else? Journalists? Right now, I couldn't bring myself to care.

Okasama nodded slightly at him, then put my zori aside. "Is there anything you want, darling?"

"I'll think about it," I replied hazily, without really thinking.

"I meant in a more immediate sense," Okasama said lightly. She reached over my shoulders, touching my kimono, but I brushed her aside and undid it myself. The thick folds of torn cloth fell away. Okasama picked it up, folding it quickly, while I struggled to lie down beneath the covers. "Though it looks like I'll be getting you two new kimono."

"Sorry," I replied, my voice pathetically weak. That was worse than no reassurance.

"You can pick these ones out yourself. It's been hard to go just from measurements," Okasama continued. "Hideko-san is good at what she does, though."

"Thank you."

Natsuki sat on the cushion to the right of me, lightly holding her wounded leg. "Is this alright?"

"You should get some rest as well," I said loosely. "You're tired. Or, if you don't, that reflects badly on me…"

"It's not like that," Natsuki said, smiling awkwardly. "You idiot."

"Even so, I don't want you to force yourself for me."

Natsuki muffled her laughter, glancing at me. "It's fine, isn't it?"

I looked up at her, meeting her emerald eyes. Her hair was all messed up, falling untidily about her face. It wasn't Natsuki-like at all. "You're a mess."

"You look like shit, so it's fine. Besides, that really isn't important right now." Natsuki's face became more serious. "It's not like it was easy for me, either, you know. After everything. I need to see you, and hear you voice…" She gave me another muted smile. "A lot of selfish things."

I rubbed my eyes with the back of my wrist. "Still so kind."

There was movement behind me, but I couldn't see anything but her. And moving my head just seemed like so much effort, as if those eyes had trapped me.

"Not really. I'm a selfish person." The door slid open, and closed again. Natsuki took my hand, and held it with both of hers. "But this time, I'm not going to leave your side."

I coughed. "Sentimental idiot…"

Natsuki flushed deeply and turned her head away. "Yeah, well, so what? Honesty is honesty."

My fingers closed around hers. "Mm. I think that a sentimental idiot is part of the Natsuki that I… know…"

Never saying the words I want to say so much.

The door opened again. I turned my head, and saw Saaya, carrying a futon. She put it down behind Natsuki, and unfolded it neatly. And then she retreated across the room without a word. She would be by Okasama's side. Watching over the person who was watching over me.

That's why I have to watch over Natsuki. No one else will. Or so my excuse goes.

Still I closed my eyes that had been open for too long, breathing deeply and trying to gather my strength. My legs ached dully, from exhaustion and from the bruising. I can't say that I was experiencing a pleasant consciousness. "You know, you were too reckless," I said, without opening my eyes. "Charging at someone dangerous in such a loud and brash way, isn't that just too reckless?"

"And how about you? I'd like to know what possessed you to talk to her? That was downright suicidal." Natsuki drew a breath. "You nearly gave me a heart attack, damnit. Have some consideration."

"Did I worry Natsuki?" I asked, smiling slightly.

"Of course you worried me, damnit," Natsuki said, voice plaintive. "You were in so much danger. It was terrifying."

"Is that so?" I asked. "I'm a little glad," I admitted, a moment later. "Isn't that terrible?"

"Honestly, you shouldn't talk," Natsuki said gently. "Wouldn't it be better to get some sleep?"

Her hand was warm. "I'd probably have unpleasant dreams," I said aloud.

"Can you have good thoughts, if you stay awake?"

Her voice was soft and kind. Natsuki was only rarely like this, and it fills me with guilt, because I know it makes her sad. "Perhaps, perhaps not."

"What an annoyingly ambiguous answer." Natsuki sighed. "But it can't be helped, can it? Just try and think of bunnies, or something. I don't know. What do you think about when you're happy?"

"I wonder," I replied quietly. I tried to think. "The past. And various things."

"That isn't even an answer at all."

"I'm trying not to be a sentimental idiot."

Natsuki snorted. "I see. Well, I guess that kind of dishonesty is part of the Shizuru I-" Her breath caught, and she said nothing for a moment. "Wonder, whatever you are for me. And wondering why, too. You're always a little difficult like that."

I glanced at her curiously. "Sorry."

"Not at all." Natsuki smiled at me. "Because I'm an idiot, that's also why you're precious to me. That's rather silly, don't you think?"

I turned over, leaving my hand in hers, and stared at the floor. Saaya watched me wordlessly, her fingers moving over the flat of Okasama's hand. "You know, you probably shouldn't hold onto me."

"Why? Because I'll get ill? That hasn't happened yet."

"No. You know why."

"Perhaps you're have to spell it out for me. I can be stupid, after all."

I tried to find something to say to that, and failed. Not while Okasama was there.

Shameful.

"How do I say it…" Natsuki sighed. "Damnit, Shizuru, you always make me say complicated things."

I closed my eyes again. "It's fine."

"It's not. You should know when I'm saying something seriously. Perhaps you weren't listening, but you haven't done anything to stop me from being here. The one who says whether or not I should stay, is me. Not anyone else, and not even you." Natsuki paused for a moment. "I won't forgive you if you hurt me by pushing me away again."

I flushed at her earnest tone, glad my face was hidden. Saaya was probably watching, though. "I won't. I'm weak and selfish, you know."

"I know, already. Now hurry up and think of good things."

I chuckled. "You're very impatient."

"Always have been. But I learn, little by little." Natsuki paused again. "About important things. You know, we can't do that any more. I was doing the wrong thing to begin with. Even though I was hurt, that doesn't mean you can do what you like. Even if it's tough, and even if it's painful, you have to live. I should have noticed that before."

"You're a kind person. I'm glad, because I can't do that any more either." I turned over again and opened my eyes, looking up at her. "But you know, Natsuki, you have to promise me something."

"What?"

I tried to work out how to phrase what I wanted to say, then gave up. Okasama wasn't stupid, and we were playing with fire as it was. "Never mind. Later."

"If you say so," Natsuki returning evenly.

I looked up at her, and tried to think of something to say. There had to be something. I shouldn't be able to just accept her kindness and warmth without blinking, or feeling guilty.

I am so sinful. I am so wrong. The things I have done are unforgivable in this world or the next.

I know all of those things, and she knows everything, but I am still someone who she touches with warm words and warm eyes. She goes to this extent for me, following after me, despite her fears and leaving her friends behind. Even though I hurt her before and again. Even knowing the extend of my own self-hate. Even if she has to scream, and bleed, and fight, and become unsightly and violent as the past self I know she despises, even if she's throwing her life into jeopardy, she did that without hesitation. And even now, she's still holding my hand. If she's like that, how can she say that she's selfish?

I don't understand. I don't understand those warm eyes at all. But I can see them clearly, and there are no more shadows between me and her smile.

* * *

**Omake**

"You? What are you doing here?"

"Duty. I'm with the SAT now."

Laughter. "Wonderful. That suits you. A regular hero. What do you want?"

"Nothing. What do you want?"

"I'm not going to beg for your entertainment."

A moment's pause. "Enya wouldn't be happy."

"You came to say that? You know, he's dead. But I'm alive." A breath. "There's no justice in this world."

"So what's new?"

"Something that couldn't be forgiven."

A chuckle. "That's not new. Or if it is, only for you."

"And you? You could do it, you know. You're different from me, you always have been, you're calm enough to do it properly. So-"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because they are dead. I am alive."

"How can you be so calm about this? How can you just carry on as if nothing's happened? How the hell can you just stand there like you don't give a fuck?"

"I'm cold."

A heartbeat. "So you are. It feels wrong, that you're out there, and I'm here."

"There's no justice in this world."

Silence.


	34. Chapter 34

**Windows of the Soul: Part Thirty-Four**

You know you've reached a benchmark when your work is made the subject of Freudian psychoanalysis. A benchmark of what, is less clear. That I'm taking my work far too seriously, perhaps? But I'm being flippant, I'd never insult my own dignity. That's what readers are for, and advisedly so...

* * *

I leaned forwards slightly, touching her forehead. A moment later, I pulled away and looked up, meeting Viola's pale eyes. "She's asleep."

Viola nodded subtly. "That's probably for the best. She's been through a horrible experience."

I nodded absently, looking at Shizuru's sleeping face. "And she was stubborn, again. She always is."

"Of course, it's the same for you," Viola remarked. "You should rest as well, right? I can watch over you both."

"I'm okay," I replied absently. "Well, relatively."

"Is that you being stubborn again, Natsuki-chan?" Viola asked softly.

"Perhaps. But that's just being me." I smiled slightly, looking at Shizuru's troubled face. Even asleep, she was somehow guarded, and weighed down. It would be nice if I could somehow protect her, even in her dreams. But that's more than a person can aspire to. "Her, too," I remarked suddenly. "She's stubborn, but I'll forgive her, even though it worries me. That's who she is, the person I care about."

"You're rather sophisticated emotionally, for a girl of your age," Viola remarked. "I only wish I could think like that, when I was your age."

"I've been through some tough times," I replied. Yes. Perhaps she looked down at me, like this. What was she thinking? It's hard to imagine that time. It's painful and terrifying, to imagine that time. For her, as well.

"I don't doubt that, from what little I know of you."

"Well, you were the same, weren't you?" I asked, remembering some things that Saaya had said.

"I wonder…" Viola paused for a moment. "That's an aside, though. I'm very glad you were there, Natsuki. When it happened, and that you could be here afterwards as well. There isn't an easy way for me to thank you for that."

"You said that before. But really, don't thank me." I gritted my teeth. "I can't really be happy even with this outcome. There should have been something more that I could have done. I don't know. Some way."

"No one could have expected something like this," Viola replied evenly. "Though your composure is remarkable… but there isn't anything more that even you could have done. That you both survived with only peripheral injuries is a miracle, or rather a triumph. You should at least realise that."

I smiled slightly, glancing at her. "Are you reassuring me?"

"A little. You want me to say that, after all. But it's true, isn't it?"

"Perhaps. But that doesn't mean I have to like it."

"It's not just Shizuru, though. You have to look after yourself as well." Viola moved her hands slightly, adjusting their grip on her knees. "Right now, you're probably thinking about Shizuru without reference to yourself. How you could have done something for her. Am I wrong?"

I blinked, looking at her. "Well… it's not like I don't care about myself…"

"Then talk about yourself. You've experienced the same thing. That's why it makes me a little sad, to see you force yourself this much. Even for Natsuki-chan, it must be tough." Viola looked at me with a contained, almost sad expression, all mellowed by those diffuse eyes.

"For me, it's never easy," I admitted quietly, looking down again. "So I try not to think."

"That's why you should sleep. Then you don't think." Viola chuckled. "You know, you worry me, Natsuki-chan."

"I do?" I asked, blinking. 

"It's nothing you do, but rather the things I can't do. I'd very much like to reassure you or comfort you, somehow, but you aren't my daughter and I don't know you as well as I'd like… I'm not as kind as I'd like to be, either." Viola smiled slightly. "You'll have to forgive me for this. I just feel like you might understand that, even if I can't do anything more than this."

I nodded slowly. "Well, that's true. But I can handle myself. You shouldn't worry about me."

"Shizuru thinks that, as well. And I used to think that, when I was younger and braver. Everyone understands that they can look after themselves, no matter what happens. It's the final pride of being human. And we can be so conscientious that we don't want to trouble others." Viola smiled slightly. "Just because we can be alone, doesn't mean we have to be, though. Accepting kindness also takes courage."

Always with the complicated thoughts. I nodded again. "I guess you're right. I appreciate it, too." I looked down, and sighed again. "You know, for the longest time, Shizuru was the only one who was kind to me. That might be why I'm here now. But that makes me feel like I'm doing it to pay back a debt."

"Well, I'm not intending to make you indebted to me, either," Viola remarked. "Perhaps we should just do what she can without worrying about such things. Would that be okay?"

"That's probably a little better than arguing about it," I replied, with just a hint of wryness. 

"I do so dislike arguments." Viola smiled back. "But it's times like these I wish I could see for myself. I want to see the expression on your face."

"Be glad you can't. Shizuru wasn't kidding when she said that I'm not at my best," I remarked lightly.

"I suppose so. Well, we all have our own worries," Viola said vaguely.

"In general, far too much," Saaya remarked, looking at Viola. "You don't have to apologise for anything. And what you can do without sight is more than what many people can do with it?"

Viola laughed quietly. "Who mentioned that?"

Saaya reached out, prodding her playfully on the forehead. "Your eyes did. They can be very telling, you know."

I smiled a little, trying not to look too amused. It was sometimes hard to tell their age, even in this kind of situation. "We all have our own worries, is it?"

"You aren't allowed to laugh," Viola said, mock-sternly. "I can tell that even without looking, Natsuki-chan. But I won't forgive you if you laugh at me."

"It's fine. Or, rather, for me, I can't imagine your world." 

"You're a kind girl. But with a few exceptions, that's true of everyone relating to everyone else." Viola looked briefly at Shizuru's sleeping back. "That's why we have to try so hard."

Knowing enough to know how little I know, was I thought I came upon myself. So I suppose I know as well. Even I can't see the world with Shizuru's eyes. But that doesn't change the desire to do so. Perhaps that desire is the important thing, rather than anything else.

What Saaya does for Viola is the same, though she's probably better at it than I am. And even that bastard, in his rough and sharp way, takes care of things. 

But none of those things are the most important thing. Good intentions alone won't protect Shizuru from assorted people who want to kill her.

Related to that is another simple fact. She really, seriously could have died. 

Viola would probably still be watching, or rather Saaya, so I tried my best to keep my face even. Nonetheless, my fists tensed at the thought. The mere thought was too terrifying, and too disturbing. I've died once, but that didn't enamour me of the concept. I don't remember anything about an afterlife and even if there were one, her and me both wouldn't be going to a good place. And I've lost her before. In so many ways. More than simply killing her and dying in her arms, what I did and how I acted took myself away from her. And what she herself did, that night and afterwards, pulled her away from me. I was a mess, she made me that, and mother made me that, and Searrs and the Carnival and everything twisted around until I could barely see. But it was lonely. It was frightening. There wasn't anyone to have kind and useless intentions towards me, I was simply alone.

I'd have to have become used to that, if Shizuru died.

When an ex-soldier points a high-calibre pistol at you and pulls the trigger, you have the right to die. And if she had shot us down without thought, Shizuru would also have died. I may have died, or I may not have died. I don't care about that. I just can't even imagine Shizuru dying. No, actually. It's not like I can't picture it. A bullet entering her head, killing her instantly. Her beautiful face exploding. Or her heart stopping, or a lung rupturing and filling slowly with blood. Or a knife slash taking her melodic, playful voice away, as she drowned in her own blood. I'm someone who can imagine death. All those vulgar images are part of a world I immersed myself in for the longest time, a world that almost pulled me under.

Even so, they revolt me. And that's all the more reason because I understand. Shizuru did terrible things to me. And she did these same things I fear to so many other people, without hesitation. However many people she killed, even one would be enough, wouldn't it? Is there a sum value on human life? I'm not naïve enough to say it's priceless. Society puts effort into a person, and they provide returns. Some are poor investments and some are good ones. All the same, we're all human. Perhaps a person who takes a life should die. Perhaps that's too simple, but even so, I can understand those feelings. What I can't imagine, is what comes after she dies.

Because I don't want Shizuru to die. Not just for her, but mainly for me, and my selfish reasons. Years of memories, in fairly short lives. But that isn't something that can be quantified into a neat percentage either. Compared to years and years of fear and pain and loneliness, my time with Shizuru is worth so much more. We have a past that matters, the good and the bad alike. It isn't something that is settled, and it isn't something I can just abandon. Even if it hurts. Even if I have my own fears and insecurities. We have a present, even though it's hard at times. I've had to force myself, but I'm glad to force myself. It's not perfect, but it doesn't have to be. It probably can't ever be, but that's fine. It's not a complicated thing; I just enjoy being by her side. I care if she's hurt, and she takes care of me. Despite ourselves and our dignity, we are interdependent. And we have a future, as well, which is an intangible that isn't quite what is now but is somehow better. Different. Always just a little different. And happier. I'm not as bold as I used to be, those are sufficient aspirations. They're quite striking in this unlucky world, after everything. But I'm tied to Shizuru in too many ways, and losing her would be sacrificing such a huge part of myself. I'm not sure whether I could bear it.

And every single person she killed probably had those bonds with others, as well. I know that woman did.

More than that, this is my own aspiration. To take a life, and to take so many lives, for revenge. That was my own desire. That was because I had lost my own bonds, and had no more to remind me. I just had my despair. Shizuru, too. And that woman, too. When we are alone with our own pain and hate, we are open and free to forget brighter things. And that's when we can do monstrous things.

I don't want to die. I don't want Shizuru to die. That's why, I have to be selfish, and a little monstrous. I can't be like Mai; I'm not that kind of person. Instead, I'll protect what is precious to me, and my own life. In this situation, I don't know whether that's any better than those who seek revenge are, but that's fine. I'll just live that way. No matter what cost, I'll live for her and protect her, even if I have to bear and inflict more pain to do it. 

Viola was just watching, without saying anything. And that was fine. It wasn't something I could share with her, in this case. It's something I can only articulate in my head.

I let myself look at Shizuru for a few moments more, trying to clear my mind. Complex, circular morality. Neurotic fears, and my determination, and the things I'll have to be willing to do for that. More sacrifice, if I'm forced to it, and more sin. Shizuru's pain, and the pain I feel, knowing her pain, and my desire to do more than I could ever do for her. And my feelings. All of those things strike me forcefully, but I can't resolve answers from a tempest. That's why I need to clear my mind, and focus on the small, practical things that I can do, here and now. For her and for myself as well. I'm not good at overarching solutions. I'm not even sure if I believe in them any more. That's why I need to be careful with my thoughts. If I let myself dwell on today, and my mistakes, and everything it evokes and means, I would probably be consumed by it without finding an easy way out. Like her, I'm cornered. 

It's hard to stop watching, though. Am I afraid she'd break, if I don't keep her in my sight? Or is it a selfish thing, taking some kind of warmth even from her sleeping face?

Of course, sleep is the state second closest to death in this world. And the dead can't trouble us with protests. "I'll be going, for a bit," I said quietly. "I have to make a phone call."

Viola nodded quietly. "Come back when you can. I'll be waiting."

"Thanks." 

In some small way, I wish I could tell her all of this. But it's only too true that our worlds are altogether different, in several ones. Shizuru is the one between. But in this, specifically, she is only part of my world. A Carnival, and everything that came after it.

It must be lonely.

I didn't get very far before I pulled out my phone, as if it was some kind of charm. Perhaps it was a charm. I'm not sure. It's a connection, to people. And that's not merely sentiment. It's a connection to Yamada, as well, and it's not like there's friendship there. But people can be allies, and allies can become your strength. By doing that, I feel I can change things. But it's also why I'm not sure who I should call.

To say that the Carnival left us much reduced would be an understatement. Matters of feeling aside, we lost a strange birthright. I had come to take it for granted, at least, if no one else. But now I have only a human power, and Shizuru has only a human power. That's why we're vulnerable. Mai, though, is more so. She was different from the rest of us, the two of us and Mikoto who became the other strongest Hime. Kind, gentle, but still strong, and naturally compassionate. Mai's a strong person in many more ways than I can count, and one I envy. But I suspect, rightly or wrongly, that people like me must exist so that she can exist. That power of hers isn't one that can kill, or stop someone with the determination to kill. 

Mikoto is Mikoto, and I don't know the others as well. That's why another name occurred to me. Reito Kanzaki, who is rather Shizuru-like, and very practical. A little dark, a little suspicious, and a little cynical about the world. Someone she understands.

But this isn't just about crisis management, all the same.

By this time I'd managed to find my way into the garden again. I'd found a use for it, at least. I decided to text Reito briefly. _Shizuru and I attacked. 1__st__ District Survivor. Both alive. Kuga. _I read over that once more, to make sure that I wasn't missing anything important. I wasn't, so I sent it.

And after that, I did nothing. Very self-consciously, gripping my phone tightly in one hand as I walked deeper into the garden. It was frustrating, to say the least, but I wasn't so desperate and overwrought as to forget reality. This would most likely be a conversation that I could not afford to have overheard by anyone at all, for more than just my personal diffidence.

The truth isn't exactly something that Viola and Shinri would be able to appreciate and understand. I'm not in favour of destroying whatever happiness Shizuru has left, either.

It wasn't easy, even then. My mind was lurid and the bushes, in my eyes, were filled with treacherous and unreasonable shadows. More troubles, from knowing how many ways there are to die. Perhaps a sniper. Perhaps someone lying in weight, with a rifle or a pistol or even a knife, anything would do. Killing Shizuru. Killing me. I wasn't exactly in a state when I could fully trust the world; even though paranoid was still too strong a world. I admitted that I probably was being stupid. But. But there are still possibilities. Too many people with motives, and too little chance against them. Perhaps that woman had escaped. Perhaps she'd been helped, and I could imagine who that might be. Or perhaps it was someone else altogether. If it was done well, I wouldn't ever know.

I bit my lip hard, trying to dismiss the thought, and the images that assailed me. This was even worse than when I was in that room. At least there, Shizuru and Viola and Saaya were all other people. Talking or not, understanding or not, but being without that made doubts easier. Perhaps she was right, and I should be asleep. I would settle for some, any, simple belief that this was just a pretty garden, and nothing more.

For Shizuru, as well, I know it's tougher when she's alone. That's why I've clung to her for the past few days, and refused to let go. And for my part, as well, I can better believe that all my pain and tears might be worth something when I can see, even if she looks sad. For that reason, we should stay together. That's what I believe.

When I finally judged that there wasn't a huge chance of being overheard, or even a small one for that matter, I raised my phone again and rang her. I kept moving, though. Sitting down just wouldn't feel safe or right, for a conversation like this.

"_Hello?"_

"It's me," I said shortly.

"_Of course. How are things over there, then? Are you two getting on well?"_

"Funny you should ask that." I took a breath, resisting the temptation to be overly sarcastic, and tried to find the most charitable phrasing. "But we've been having a rough day. Someone tried to kill us."

"_Sorry?"_

Yeah, when you just say it like that, it sounds like some kind of weird joke. "You know the First Distract?" I began, taking the long way around. "Evil conspiracy to support the big bad guy in the Carnival? And Shizuru… did what she did. Now one of the survivors tried to kill us. And I feel like shit." The last bit came out a little more plaintive than I had intended.

"_What, are you serious?"_ Mai demanded hurriedly.

"Fuck, Mai, I don't joke about this stuff!" I snapped, before taking a breath and forcibly calming myself down. "I'm sorry, I mean-"

"_I'm sorry, I know. It's just… oh my God. God. Oh, God." _Mai took a breath herself, as that side of her took over. _"How about you two? Were you hurt?"_

"We're fine. No one was killed." I grimaced at a sudden reminder. "Though I got knifed in the thigh, but it was shallow."

"_Jesus. What happened? Or don't you want to talk about it?"_

I tapped the fingers of my free hand against my thigh. Actually, I haven't repeated the story. Shizuru's parents only know what they learned at the interrogation, though to be fair that was more than enough. "It's fine," I replied shortly. "We were being stalked by this woman, someone I recognised, because Yamada had warned me. Because we were taking a walk, for once. Long story short, she ended up cornering Shizuru with a gun. Somehow we both survived, and she's under arrest."

"_God, isn't enough enough? It's over, isn't it? So why the hell do they have to drag us into this shit again?"_

It wasn't often Mai swore. But on this, she cares. Her anger on my behalf was another mark of how much she was a good person. "It's just revenge," I replied bleakly. "It's not like I don't understand. But- Jesus. More than just the pain and the fear, I thought I was finally getting somewhere with Shizuru. For all I know, she'll have regressed again. She doesn't need this!"

"_You don't deserve this either," _Mai said sharply. _"But it's not like saying that will change anything. Anyway, I'm going."_

"Going where?" I asked, slightly puzzled. Somewhere in my head Mai was storming into their new headquarters, protesting. And Haruka would probably be with her.

"_To where you are, of course," _Mai replied, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. _"Is Fujino-san holding up? And how about her parents? It must be tough for them as well."_

"I appreciate the sentiment, but this a pretty messy situation," I said, as diplomatically as I could be. "Besides, if this happens again, you might be caught in the crossfire."

"_That doesn't matter. I just want to do what I can." _And again, Mai used her that was that tone.

I sighed. "You know, that's dangerous. In more ways than one, knowing Shinri."

"_I'm sure," _Mai said tartly. _"Well, with you and Mikoto to look after me, I'll be fine." _With just a hint of sarcasm.

I smirked and gave up. "Shizuru isn't slack either, you know. You haven't lived until you've seen her bowl a grown woman over and sit on her waist."

"_Uhh… does that relate to Fujino-san's other hobby?"_

I blushed despite myself. "No, damnit! She seriously did that! And she had a pistol, as well. The enemy. She's still got some kind of madly broken luck."

"_I see. Sorry. In any case, I'll check the train times and see if we can't get earlier tickets… somehow. But if it's this kind of situation, there's no way I can just leave you two alone."_

I smiled despite myself. "You remind me of me, a little. Impetuously sticking your head in a difficult situation. It doesn't really suit your personality, though."

"_I'm sure. You should stop dodging my questions, though. What about the others?"_

"Shizuru is worse than I'd hope and better than I could expect," I replied automatically. "Viola is worried a lot, and Shinri is Shinri. But he's not a complete bastard, in his own weird way."

"_That's… good, I guess." _Mai paused for a moment._"Mikoto, Reito and Shiho-chan are all off somewhere together, but I can call them. You don't worry about anything else; I'll take care of everything. And we'll get there, whenever it's possible for us to do so. Normally, I'd worry, but Mikoto and Reito can look after themselves. I guess we can put Shiho in a box in the corner or something."_

I smirked at the thought. "Is there a little bitterness remaining, Mai? That wasn't like you."

"_It's just objective fact. Perhaps I should put Tate in a box too. And now he's making a face at me."_

"What? You mean you were with him when I called?" All thoughts of bush-based assassins were dully forgotten, reconstructing that mental image.

"_Don't worry. You haven't interrupted anything more important than a cooking lesson." _Mai's voice slipped smoothly from flippant to deadly serious again. _"In any case, you don't need to worry about me right now. How about you? Are you holding up well?"_

"You know me," I replied, caught a little off-guard by the question. "I can handle these things." 

"_Is that so?" _Mai said dubiously. For a moment, I swore she was echoing Viola. _"And how about that? Have you got a clearer understanding of things?"_

"That?"

"_You and Fujino-san."_

I flushed just a little, again. "Mai! This is hardly the time!"

"_This is a good time. It should remind you," _Mai said shortly. _"People you love can die quite easily."_

I winced. "Yeah, it's not like I need reminding of that…"

"_I hope so. But you aren't always the fastest of people, Natsuki."_Mai sighed. _"It's between the two of you. Just don't screw up. You'll regret it."_

"I know. That's why I'll stay by her for as long as it takes to have no more regrets," I retorted sharply.

And abruptly, she laughed quietly. _"Keep fighting, Natsuki. Just remember, we're all cheering for you, even if we couldn't be there when you needed us most."_

I wondered what time she meant. There were more than a few. But she rang off before I could consciously decide to ask.

And, so much for my doubts about Mai. She really is an incredible person. But I'm getting increasingly used to being surrounded by exceptional people, so right now that's probably just the qualification for survival. Please, may Shinri somehow take to her. She isn't so good with outright hostility. I think. Maybe.

But she's a little reassuring, all the same. 

I couldn't just go in, though. There was one more call to make, and that as perhaps the most important one. Or rather, it featured the most important decision. A resolve is a great starting point, but I need to make practical decisions on how to protect Shizuru. And at the end of the day, I'm only one person. That's why I have only a few advantages, and one of them is this number that I'm going to call now.

After my mother's death, I received, in trust, an enormous amount of insurance money from her employers. The First District. Considering they killed her, that was always an irony that sickened me. I couldn't understand, at the time, why they'd be so caring. I have an answer now. If one of the Hime died of starvation before the Carnival rolled around, it might have been a pain for them. And their god wouldn't be kind if Searrs got me after all. But considering I had most everything provided for me by Fuka's special "scholarship" for that kind of person, it feels even more redundant. I didn't need that money just to live. I couldn't use it anyway, as it was in trust, for a minor like me.

It was that woman, Mashiro, who called me to her office one day when I was in Middle School, and said she could detach the strings and provide me with a ludicrous amount of money to be used at my discretion, no conditions, no questions asked.

I could have done a lot of things with that money. Spoil myself and live luxuriously in so many ways, or save it for an easy future in good time. Perhaps I could have entrusted it to Shizuru, or the sophisticated accountants and investors and brokers she and her parents undoubtedly know, in order to turn money into more money. But what I chose to buy was a gun, a bike, spare knives and as much information as the criminal underworld had to offer on the most secretive organisation there was.

Now, there isn't much left, because the underworld isn't cheap at the best of times and in any case teenage girls take a while to become even respectable at negotiation, especially when they have more money than they could hitherto have conceived or know what to do with. What there's left now, I'd hoped to use to help me through university, if I chose to go there. Keeping my options open. It's not like I have parents to lean on in a situation like this. And besides, having some money saved up could never be a bad thing. 

But what I've done up until this point isn't enough. Under this situation, I'm only ever going to make one decision. Even if it's reckless, that's just who I am, and who I need to be to remain myself.

So I rang one more number. 

"_Yes?"_

"Kuga here."

"_I see. Can I help you, Kuga-san? Is our mutual acquaintance still troubling you?"_

"Will I get a discount if I tell you something interesting?" I asked.

"_Hmm. That depends on how interesting it is."_

"Our mutual acquaintance is indisposed. I'm afraid she might not be using your services again."

"_That's a shame, she paid handsomely. Permanently indisposed?"_

As casually as talking about the weather. But he's never pretended to be a nice man. "Not necessarily. But she's enjoying police hospitality."

"_I see. Well, that's interesting on a personal level, but not for business. You're the only person really concerned about her life."_

In our world. Even if I have to hate her, I also have to believe in that caveat. I don't want Shizuru to have taken away any more lives.

But those are just my personal feelings.

"Too bad. Well, I'll cut to the chase. The group she was part of, that you'll know, and coincidentally the very same group that was of interest to me until recently, before they were destroyed… you should still be aware of them? That there were more survivors than just her."

"_Of course. Is this part of your older or your newer agenda?"_

"That's not important to you," I said dismissively. "But I want you to compile information on all of those survivors. Their current location, jobs, activities, everything. You should be able to do that, considering the contacts you've established pursuing that agenda of mine."

"_Naturally, I can do it, albeit with extreme difficulty. It will take a long time, and will take an awful lot of incentivisation, Kuga-san. This would undoubtedly be the largest job you've given me…"_

"It should be done as fast as possible, and we can talk of money later. To put it simply I will make this worth your time. But this is my last job for you, so you should consider this a special present from me to you. Something to fill your time."

Yamada chuckled quietly. _"You said something similar with my last job, Kuga-san. But you've been ever so thorough, since that subject came up in our conversation, after all."_

"I'm not paying you for baseless speculation," I said curtly.

Someone like him wouldn't understand, and doesn't want to understand. I remember when I lived in the same simple and terrible world.


	35. Chapter 35

**Windows of the Soul: Part Thirty-Five**

Consistency issues are dully noted. But I can't make any promises, as I'm a lazy guy. 

This chapter is structurally inelegant, and the two parts don't have much in common, yet. It's best if you regard the second half as an extended prologue for the next chapter, rather than part of this one per sae. But it's one-thirty in the morning and I can't think of a neater solution...

* * *

"Is everything on your end under reasonable control, Viola?" Otousama asked, glancing at her.

Presumably because asking us directly how we were would be too soft for him. Well, I'm used to that quirk in his character, and in any case, she might be able to answer more honestly than I could.

"Of course. As much as one could expect, anyway." Okasama smiled at us and picked up her chopsticks. "Shall we start?"

"By all means," Otousama said. He frowned slightly. "For my part, the situation is under control. There's been some journalistic interest. Of course, rather less than there would have been if one of you two had died. They're vultures."

"That's just good business to them, and under the circumstances it's something to be glad of," I said, as calmly as I could manage. In reality, the idea of the press having anything to say about was rather horrible. I'd prefer to live a life that is as quiet as possible, from now on. But that'' probably impossible.

"Perhaps. But insincerity in any form irritates me. In any case, I dealt with them." Shinri snorted. "Though I'm sure they would have preferred tears or shouting, but I enjoy disappointing that manner of person. It's resolved and won't be something to trouble you."

"Thank you, Tou-sama."

"That's not necessary. It's in my self-interest as well, to prevent my daughter from being tormented by rabid people like that." Shinri scowled decisively then sipped his soup. "Journalists," he said darkly, once he'd swallowed. "Always troubling decent, hard-working people with half-formed opinions. It's a crass trade."

"Now, dear, they carry an important function," Viola said diplomatically. "You read the paper, after all."

"But not for sob stories. For us, this is a serious matter. And for the populace as a whole, it's at best a symbol and at worst an irrelevance. They weren't interested, though, despite the fact that I have enough to say about how we should improve security in this country." Shinri snorted. "At best, they can make the issue a talking point, and I will settle for that. Naturally I've also looked at taking action, in lobbying and also on a personal level. I don't intend for this to ever come to chance again."

"What are you going to do?" Natsuki asked. Though she made a play of focusing on her food, she actually looked and sounded a little interested.

"Politics is politics, and of that I have firm intentions and no great hopes. Setting that aside, there's the matter of what I can do myself. Naturally, the security in the house is going to be tightened." 

Natsuki nodded slowly, then glanced sidelong at me. Our eyes met, and I looked away, doing my best to look like that had been a coincidence. "How long will that take?"

"Some time. I don't intend to rush the job and regret that later." Shinri turned his head and focused on me. "But moving onto another note, Shizuru, what would you say to the prospect of a bodyguard?"

"A bodyguard?" I blinked in surprise. "I can't say I'm much enamoured of the idea…"

Quite apart from any other circumstance, but being tailed by a burly gentleman twice my age held little appeal. Least of all when I was with Natsuki.

"Of course, it's an intrusive step. Professionalism can only go so far to alleviate that, but if it's a matter of your safety, it may be necessary." Otousama picked up a piece of fish and ate it, watching me carefully. "After all, Saaya is with Viola for the vast majority of her time, and that isn't a difficult situation, is it?"

"That's so, but that's for a woman of settled habits," Okasama replied demurely. "It would be more difficult for Shizuru. Though, with that said, I'm ambivalent to the idea in general. You do attract danger, darling."

"It isn't a Fujino way of doing things," I said quietly. "Besides, you don't have a bodyguard, Tou-sama. Surely you are in more general danger than me, with your profile?"

"Logic dictates that, but I've managed to go several years without being in substantial danger. And the last time was from a drunk at a wedding." Otousama snorted. "You've been in serious danger three times in as many months. I don't know whether you have bad luck, or whether it's that particular organisation, but this is beyond a situation where lighting strikes twice."

"I understand your concern. But I can't agree with your conclusion, all the same. It would be difficult for me." I glanced at him. "And you yourself went to some lengths to ensure I received a relatively ordinary education. Well, for a given value of that term. But I wouldn't want to be marked out. Starting at university in that way would be unthinkable."

"That was and is a sound principle but there are more immediate concerns. If your life is in danger that is our foremost priority, without doubt." Otousama frowned thoughtfully. "How about you, Kuga? Do you have an opinion on this?"

Natsuki gave him a brazen look, undeterred by the address. "I can't say I like the idea. But it isn't a bad one either. If that would keep Shizuru safe."

"You too, Natsuki?" I said weakly, feeling a little betrayed.

"Sorry," Natsuki replied quietly, glancing at me. "But he is right about your safety."

That made me feel uncomfortably outflanked. Considering what she went through to protect me, wouldn't it be churlish to put myself at risk just because the idea discomforted me? 

"On the other hand, she is right about it being her own life. Without doubting either of your good intentions, there are elements of this situation you aren't considering. In those respects, further radical changes to her lifestyle may not be wise." Okasama shrugged slightly. "This is said in part to be the devil's advocate, but this is a time when she is aiming to become an independent woman. Comparing her to my current state, and my in any case natural dependence, wasn't very fair."

"I'll acknowledge that, but it was simply to make a point. And on the other matter you raised, I'll acknowledge that as well. But I don't have grave concerns about Shizuru on that front. She is my daughter." Otousama glanced at me again, narrowing his eyes slightly as he scrutinised me.

I did my best to keep my face even. "Quite apart from anything else, you do have to agree on one thing. It isn't natural for a Fujino."

"Of course. I have my own reservations, as well. The information and personal knowledge a bodyguard would inevitably have is a risk unto itself. I'm not discounting the effect on interpersonal relationships, either. And, as you say, it isn't our way. I would much rather I could trust to your sword." Shinri shrugged. "Of course, this is an age when only criminals are allowed to go armed as they please, and the old arts have little enough to say to concealed pistols. But principle is a fine thing, all the same. Just not something to die for."

"Naturally." I felt tired. This really wasn't something I wanted to think about, but I wasn't going to admit to that weakness. 

"Well, frankly, I can do something already." Natsuki glanced hard at Otou-sama. "You probably won't credit it, but I'm fairly good at fighting. Not high professional standard, maybe, but I'm fit and have the mindset for it. I can shoot straight with a pistol, as well. I also know ways and means to make that talent relevant, I could say."

I winced, looking down at the table. Otousama just watched her. "The more I learn about you, Kuga-san, the more I think you might just be a rather dangerous girl."

"I'm what I need to be," Natsuki riposted. "Everything that happened to Shizuru has happened to me. And to my mother, as well. I read the writing on the wall and thought of the things you are thinking of now back then, and lived like that. I'm not going to apologise for learning what was necessary to survive."

Otousama didn't say anything for another long moment, and then abruptly he smiled. "Not a bad answer. Should I be glad or alarmed that Shizuru met someone like you?"

"There's not much cause for alarm. She can look after herself… as you should know." Natsuki shrugged. "But I can tell you plainly that we survived today because we can both fight. We're certainly unlucky people."

"You have my commiseration on the death of your mother, however," Otousama said. "But you know about them, don't you? Searrs."

"I know about them," Natsuki said slowly. "And before you ask… they were involved. Indirectly."

"Is that so?" Otousama asked idly. "Some kinds of bad luck are man-made, after all."

"We should talk about less grim things," Viola suggested. "I think Shizuru is tiring of it."

"I'm fine," I replied, taking a breath and forcing a smile. "I'm not naïve or unaware of these things, after all." It was just too strange for my parents to be so close and so far from the truth. It was a good lie for them, one that made me seem so innocent. And I hadn't had to mention a word.

"Well, Viola is certainly tiring of it," Saaya said lightly. "This has been a long and difficult day for everyone. It isn't a time for substantive debate."

Otousama nodded briefly. "As you say. There's no need to speak further of this tonight."

I repressed a sigh of relief, glad of the escape that had been provided for me. Ironically, even with my illness recovering just a little I couldn't deal with Otousama, thanks to this. There was too much unreconstructed guilt and pain, ripping me up inside like tangled wire.

"Though I'll trouble you for a few minutes of your time after dinner, Shizuru. In the usual place."

And I spoke too soon with too much hope for that not to happen. I nodded and smiled, despite Natsuki's concerned gaze. Or perhaps for Natsuki's concerned gaze. "Of course, Tou-sama. It would be a pleasure."

The rest of dinner was spent in relatively irrelevant conversation. A few comments on the state of the financial market, which I'd altogether stopped following save in very general terms, thanks to my depression. I'm glad that hasn't been exposed; my parents would be a little disappointed. And then Natsuki made her own complaint, something about the garden. I can't see that myself, they were nice bushes. But overall, I allowed myself to be a little abstracted during dinner. That was the closest I could come to rest, prior to what I understood to be the real meeting to come.

After this, I can fall on my bed and try to steal sleep, before my mind returns to dark things.

Natsuki gave me a quiet look before I left, but I just smiled and nodded. I think she understood. For me, there are certainly some things I have to do, and one of them is humour Otousama. He does, in his own way, take care of me. And he led me without making conversation. I wasn't hurt for that, rather I was grateful. The pretence of small talk is wearying when you are anything but, and for all his faith in correctness Otousama has little actual patience with it myself. Normally, I'm the more talkative one. Less so now, inevitably. I can't say anything that he would want to hear. 

Otousama sat in his usual chair, wearing his usual manner. I sat by the piano, with my own cool detachment. These are fossilised moments of my life, caught from a very distant past. But there's an air of ritual to it, as well, something arcane and eccentric and altogether between us, and just us. Not even Okasama, and not even Natsuki, would exactly understand. I suppose I can bear with something like this. I want to meet his expectations, even though I now know that in so many ways I've failed him. Though he doesn't know it. But if he did, he would say that something like that was no excuse for giving up.

"I'll be brief. Under this circumstance, even I will admit that you need special consideration. Kuga-san, too, is probably worried." To my surprise, Otousama actually pivoted his chair, and looked straight at me. His hands were folded in his lap, a surprisingly retrained posture for him. "But that isn't unlimited licence, either. If your life is altogether shorn of routine by this incident, I don't think that is doing you a favourable service."

"I ask for nothing more than to be treated normally, though of course I appreciate your kindness, and those of the others." I kept my face even and composed, and my attention focused on him. This situation always evokes the best of my best power to be what I will myself to be.

"I won't demand that you play for me. That would be unreasonable." Otousama watched me, his whole body relaxed but focused. "All the same, I have a request. Recount the day's events again for me. And if there is anything you could tell the police, please add that."

I nodded uncertainly, marshalled my thoughts, and began. It wasn't an easy feat, remembering all the small but numerous edits Natsuki and I had arranged, and recounting them sincerely. Hopefully, any indiscretion would just be accepted as closer to the truth. But it was very hard to maintain my normal confidence in the face of his relentless eyes.

For a longest moment after I finished, Otousama just watched me, without moving.

Always think before deciding, Shizuru. And if you have to think before making a reply, all the better. People don't think very often, so seeing someone consider carefully everything they've said is a terrifying experience for the average person.

Eventually, he nodded, just once. "Thank you. And on fighting so effectively despite your illness and position of weakness, I'll congratulate you. You were reckless to get into that situation, but you know that. Perfect judgement can't always be expected, and it was an understandable decision. From that position the two of you displayed upmost strength, and saved lives. Most importantly, your own." He smiled slightly. "On top of that, the Byodo-in wasn't excessively damaged. It is a national treasure, you know."

I smiled dutifully. "Risking one's life is a small price in return for seeing it again, indeed."

But that wasn't all, as I'd expected. Otousama gave me a pensive look. "I've taught you to be independent and strong, Shizuru. More than anything else, those were the foremost values expected of my daughter. Isn't that correct?"

"I remember. I have always endeavoured to meet your ideals, though I am aware of my own shortcomings."

"They are few, and you are very good at what you do. My only concern is that you are underestimating special adversity, or else believing falsely that you have no choice but to deal with it alone. That would be a misconception."

"I'm not sure what you are implying," I replied cautiously.

"My implication is that you are lying by omission," Otousama said bluntly. "But that's very rude of me. There are enough inconsistencies for me to notice, but not enough for there to be certainty. If you like, consider this suspicion of mine an earnest token of my respect for you."

"I can appreciate your honesty, at least," I said heavily. "Could I reply to your implied question with one of my own?"

"If you wish."

"If I was doing such a thing, what would you do? Pursue that matter with full force?" I kept my tone as even as possible. "It's a point of curiosity for me, concerning those virtues to instilled in me."

"I wonder," Otousama replied rhetorically. Stalling for time, and letting that time weigh upon me. Even though I can predict his methods, I still feel pressured by them.

But I'm not the girl I once was, either, so I just regarded him impassively until he broke the silence again.

"I would leave it be," he said abruptly. "If you take responsibility for a matter, it is yours and not my own. You are no longer at an age where I can apply a double standard in that respect."

I blinked, surprised, and schooled my expression. "Thank you, Tou-sama. That is a great compliment."

"It is, but not a kind one. The consequences of failure are inherent in taking responsibility." Otousama shrugged. "But I think you already understand that. We can leave it be." 

"Of course. I was taught that when I was very small."

So many times over. Otousama's most important lesson. Taking your own actions, for your own reasons, and accepting your success with grace and your failures without regret and without apology. A moral imperative, a way of life, and life itself... all those things. They're all inherent in that phrase, and they're never far from my mind. It's difficult for him to understand how much those words mean to me. To be trusted by Otousama. And to know how misplaced that trust is. 

"And that girl… Natsuki Kuga." Shinri regarded me carefully. "She is certainly eccentric, and undoubtedly of a somewhat dangerous character. I doubt that you can conceive to deny those things."

"You're not wrong, but she is no more those things than I am," I said pointedly. "A sword can kill someone, can it not?"

"Of course. I'll also concede that she has a certain, rough-edged character to her. In general, hangers-on and other useless people do not throw themselves at armed assailants. Her calibre is higher than that, at least."

"I'm glad you approve of her," I replied quietly.

"I still have reservations," Otousama chided. "She lacks subtlety and is naturally confrontational. Though she's apt at fighting what she can see, she can miss things, misunderstand, or argue an unnecessary point. And her stubbornness can be taken as read. On the whole, her way of thinking is rather inflexible. It's not that's she unintelligent, as far as I can tell. She's simply accustomed to relying on force of will. Her self-control is also fairly rigid and inward looking. Altogether, her strength is a brittle one." He brought his hands together. "Would you disagree?"

I'm tired.

"I could contextualise those statements. That Natsuki is assertive can't be doubted, but her brazenness does mask a greater self-awareness than you credit. Her strength and ours is not the same, and hers is rooted in her essential honesty and determination. In many respects, she can assert her will over my own." I pursed my lips. "Besides that, it's very inflexible of you to apply your standards to outsiders who do not relate to the family in a direct sense."

"I intend to hold Kuga-san to my mental standards from now on. Friends, especially very close ones, reflect upon a person." Otousama paused for a moment, forestalling my protest with a glance. "Her value is that she sincerely remains as an equal to you. Hitherto, and after this day, you will have many friends and few equals as a member of this family."

"A matter of will, rather than social status," I recalled quietly. It was getting harder, to concentrate on his face and his words. "I'm not such a lax student that I've forgotten."

"Enjoy yourself, within moderation," Otousama instructed, turning his chair around again. "But do bear in mind that you are a Fujino. Partings, duties and inevitabilities are all implied by that, if you still intend to follow in our footsteps."

I stood. "I am a Fujino, and that is very important to me. I already bear those things in mind."

"Good."

"But Natsuki is very important, as well. I don't intend to sacrifice whatever may be between us. Rather, to assert my will and maintain both bonds…" I stared hard at the back of his neck, headache temporarily forgotten. "That would be the proper action for a Fujino, correct?"

"To have your cake and eat it?" Otousama suggested.

"To achieve all necessary objectives," I returned.

Naive.

"And what would you sacrifice? What is there in Kuga-san that you cannot find in any other person, to make such a categorical commitment?" He was already reading documents, even as he spoke. I suppose I should be grateful that he'd spared this much time for me. 

"Rather than say what would a sacrifice, I'd ask why a sacrifice is necessary. I don't yet see how those two matters are incompatible."

"That's an elegant evasion, and no more." Otousama snorted softly. "Could you sacrifice your relationship with her? Or is she an irreplaceable person to you?"

And though lying is the proper thing, there are some lies I cannot tell. "She is, probably, an irreplaceable person," I replied. "If only for my past with her, which can't come again." Both good and ill, that's true. It's full of smiles and regrets. Dark things, and cruel things, and sad things, and yet.

"Circumstances and your wilfulness do much to surround you with danger," Otousama remarked philosophically. "This no less than any other. It's dangerous for a girl your age to be so categorical about anything between people."

"You were married at my age," I replied quietly.

"And that was reckless on the part of my mother. Circumstances favoured me. But you have bad luck, Shizuru. Perhaps my bad karma." Otousama carried on typing without elaborating on his unusual poetry. "And if you are unlucky, Shizuru? What would you do then?"

If I lose my life. Her life. Two are one. If we part badly, or if I lose her forever. If I fall again to my demons. Those are all the fears Otousama can summon, with those vague words. His suggestive and unpleasant truth, and my failures.

This is a test, of a kind. But it isn't Otousama's test. As ever, he is simply rephrasing the questions inherent in life itself.

"I would have to bear with that. Luck's a dubious term, for what is probably the consequence of my own life and my choices..."

Otousama looked over his shoulder, giving me a look that could have been approval or condemnation. It was impossible to tell for sure. "That, too, would be called taking responsibility. And touching on another note, Shizuru. I hardly need say this, but I do not intend to accept any circumstance implying your death." He turned away again. "Bear that in mind."

And it isn't easy to live, either. But for my ties to you and to Natsuki, I'll have to struggle, father. I owe you both that much. I just wish that there was more hope. More to relish.

It's hard to breathe, when you can't live for those who are, and you can't die for those who are. I'm trapped, and wounded, and struggling for breath, and still I have to smile. It is never easy to stop my tears from flowing, pleading for release. So I smile.

* * *

I couldn't sleep. Even after I'd told Shizuru what she needed to know, and she'd gone some way to satisfy my own anxious curiosity- though never all the way- I was still too narrow, too taut, and too oppressed by recent and bloody memories. I'm not afraid of the dark, but all the same, it is a fine screen on which we project more concrete and human fears.

And there was another aspect, as well. Discounting that night, this was the first time we'd slept in the same room since… the Carnival. At least I wasn't in the same futon, this time. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't oppressed by another kind of fear. It's a crawling and sickening emotion, in part playing on the fact that I don't know exactly what happened, and in part on the fact that I do know without doubt. In part, I was disgusted with myself for that. Hadn't I forgiven her? Hadn't I come this far just to be by her side? Hell, wasn't I even considering deepening our relationship in a similar way? Well, maybe just a little. If she could see my thoughts right now, and feel my apprehension, she would definitely be saddened and hurt by it. But I was also disgusted with her, and I can't deny or change that. I ignored her and took advantage of her and hurt her in a thousand ways, a death by papercuts delivered by my careless younger self. Even so, I did not deserve that. To be degraded in that way, and to be left with this fear. For her, as well, it was below her, and it mocked and fouled what was between us. It wasn't something I could raise, or rationalise, or comprehend. It still festers inside, and I know that's reality. My wishfulness alone won't take that stigma from me, or from her. A shadow bloated from the dark that still separates us in some way, beyond view. And for once, I don't feel my usual certainty.

But she isn't just that night, in the same way she isn't just the girl who speaks with an elegant, affected Kyoto-ben and smiles kindly at me. What I can see of her, close by me now, is only kind, and good, and hurt. I can't associate her with that time at all.

A lot of people hate her and some want to kill her. But neither applies to me.

I managed to fall into some kind of tired haze when she rose, almost silently. I followed her with my eyes, straining to make her out in the darkness. A figure in the dark. Even if I'd thought to move, I don't think I'd have been able to.

But she approached the wardrobe aside, opening it. Her hands moved, untying the thin silver ribbons, and her nightgown fell to the floor. Chestnut hair spilled down her back, the only thing touching her pale skin. I wondered, slightly irrelevantly, whether she was cold. And I thanked the shadows for their modesty.

She picked something out, smoothly swinging the kimono about her and drawing it tight. White; snow white, but no sleeping princess. A princess who stayed up past her bedtime, and not for a pea, but for a more intangible discomfort.

When she turned, I pushed myself up, looking up at her. "Where are you going?"

The words echoed in a lonely way for a moment, and she looked down at me. Her red eyes regarded me sadly. "Where, I wonder," she murmured.

At least she had the grace to look ashamed.

When she tried to step past me, my hand shot out, grabbing a handful of material and holding onto it. I looked somewhere past her. "You should sleep. That's the best thing you can do right now, isn't it?"

"You know, that had been my aspiration." Shizuru was looking past me as well, her eyes distant. "I'm sorry." She reached down, trying to loosen my grip.

"Don't apologise for anything," I said slowly. "Just don't go. That's all."

"Please, let go."

"I can't do that," I said, a little louder. "So, stay."

"Thank you. But… good intentions alone can't solve everything. I don't wish to trouble you."

"How can you say that?" I demanded, my grip tightening. "You don't wish to trouble me? Have you any idea? Just how troubled you've made me, for days and weeks and months? How much it's been hard, and how much it's hurt me?"

"I know. But you've been troubled for a reason, Natsuki. I have to be selfish." Shizuru looked down at me again, her face detached. "Or to use a metaphor, sometimes it is necessary to throw up before you can carry on."

"I don't like it," I replied. "That's just weak. You aren't weak."

"Let go."

"No."

"You know, you're being vulgar," Shizuru said regretfully.

"I don't care. I'm not going to let you do anything unforgivable."

"Always so kind. But you know, it's not like I enjoy this." Shizuru actually smiled, just a little. "It's not just selfishness, either. I need to be strong for you, so it's shameful, but…" she looked away, expression sour. "I thought I could bear with it, even though it was tough, but it's hard. You know, Natsuki, this isn't like a normal injury. I'm bearing with the pain all day, and gets worse and not better… and when I'm alone with my thoughts, it's more than I can bear."

"I know. I'm in pain too, okay? But you're not like this. You're strong, right?" I looked up at her. "Isn't that why you worked so hard? Isn't that why you kept standing, no matter what happened? Because you're a Fujino, right?"

"And you know, it's nostalgic," Shizuru remarked quietly. "Being in a dark room with you."

Those damn eyes of hers, so far above me. What was that unreadable expression she wore as my grip loosened and she pulled free without a word? Pity? Scorn? Hate?

I gritted my teeth and threw myself up, aiming to grab her shoulders. Or maybe her neck, I'm not sure. But my leg came down too hard and I stumbled, grabbing her kimono about the shoulder blades to stop me from falling over entirely. "Let it go!"

"Natsuki…" And now she sounded almost sad.

I felt an abrupt anger. Why? I shoved her instinctively, practically slamming her into the closed door. Why is she always like this? "Why are you always do damn guilty about everything? Why can't you just be selfish and forgive yourself, for once in your fucking life!"

She didn't reply. She didn't even move.

My grip tightened about the back of her kimono. "Is this what you want? Do you want to spend your whole life fucking yourself up in some kind of ill-conceived apology?"

Why can't I ever do anything?

"And what would you do, if I said yes?" Shizuru asked quietly.

"I'd-" I gritted my teeth, looking down at the floor. "I don't know. How am I supposed to know? I'd never stop you from doing what you want to do? Is that what I'm supposed to say, for the love I bear you?"

Shizuru turned around, and my hands fell limply away from her. "You shouldn't say that," she murmured, her eyes moist. "Natsuki has a habit of making things difficult for me."

I tried to find a reply to that, and failed miserably. I couldn't find words, and I couldn't see much but her eyes, very close to mine.

Shizuru reached out and touched my face. "You know, I don't know how to deal with these… contradictions…"

My cheeks flushed, and my breath stopped. She was actually touching my face. 

Even when she's sad, she's beautiful.

"But I need to take responsibility for what I've done. Today was probably a reminder of that." Shizuru breathed in, and I could see her lips move as she did that. "I'm sorry."

My hand touched hers before she could take it away. "It's fine," I said, almost breathlessly. "Isn't it?"

Shizuru's eyes widened slightly. "I shouldn't-"

"You know, I'm tired of what you should do, and what you shouldn't," I said decisively. "Taking responsibility, and making sacrifices. I don't like it at all. You should… just smile. That should be enough, right?"

Shizuru turned her head away, the barest hint of a self-conscious smile playing about her lips. "You know, even when I become like this, your voice pushes that away… it's a slightly worrying power…"

"Then I'll keep talking," I said urgently. "I'll always be there to talk to you. It's a promise. So you don't need to do this any more."

Shizuru turned and looked again. And she smiled. "Natsuki, can I show you something?"

I just nodded silently.

"I'll show you my soul."


	36. Chapter 36

**Windows of the Soul: Part Thirty-Six**

"First, I am present."

Shizuru glanced at me, smiling slightly. She crouched, her katana slung almost casually through her obi. "It's a simple thing, really. If you aren't tightly focused on your surroundings, you'll miss important things, and endanger yourself somewhat." She slipped into seiza, tucking herself neatly into place. "Moving from introspection to focus is an art-form unto itself, especially for someone like me. As you've noted before, I let my mind move in strange and unusual ways."

I nodded quietly. "I see…"

Her left hand snapped up, gripping the sheath of her katana. Her right hand grabbed the hilt and drew her sword in one smooth motion. Her feet moved slightly, her grip shifted deftly, and her sword slashed horizontally towards me. Her eyes gazed over the edge of the blade, and met my own. Her sword shifted, coming up over her head and slashing down decisively. "The attack is sudden. I draw my sword and strike without hesitation."

Even though I was a good six feet from her, it was still somehow intimidating. There was a subtle play of light, in a dull way. No shine, but rather a sword that is not just ornamental but also dangerous. And of course, there are always those red eyes. Their focused intent was also terrifying. But most of all, she had been _fast_. I'd been waiting, but it was still impressive to see how decisively she could move a long blade.

"That's impressive," I said, sincerely.

"That was a little slow," Shizuru returned. "But good enough." Somehow, her voice was almost cold, as if I really was an enemy to her right now. Her sword was held at arm's length, without moving. A moment later, her left hand fell away from the hilt, gripping the sheath. Her katana flicked casually to the side, still controlled, then she sheathed it deftly. "Iaido's first kata. Of course, performing it with my Nihonto is a little careless. But a sword is made to be used."

"More lessons from old man Shinri?" I asked thoughtfully.

"In part. But this was taught to me by my old sensei. That was some years ago, when I was at home enough to justify the expense, of course." Shizuru watched me carefully, as if gauging my reaction. "In any case, the principle is to decisively react to any situation, without any kind of hesitation."

"Is that a life lesson, or something?"

"In part, though not one I was ever very good at taking to heart. But it's also, quite simply, a matter of the sword." Shizuru kept her voice very even. "Or, in other words, my art is that of saving your own life by taking that of another person in the most efficient way possible." 

"So, basically, it's a martial art," I suggested. There was something queer about the look she gave me, and something altogether surreal about the whole situation. We were up ridiculously late at night, and Shizuru was demonstrating rudimentary swordplay. I would laugh, if it wasn't for the fact that her eyes were so very serious.

"Of course, you're right. And that also means that it's part of a broader framework, and has proper ways of doing things. The implication is that I am learning from my betters, and most likely that is true. There are eleven more kata, and various other ways to practise." Shizuru casually pulled the sheath of her sword out of her obi, moving it deftly and resting it over her left shoulder. "But none of that is part of how I fight when I must tie my training together in improvisational ways. That is, probably, where there's more meaning to the phrase that this sword, and my others, are my personal power, my honour, and my soul." She smiled at me. "Isn't that an anachronistic notion?"

I returned her smile. "Is that aimed at me? But, well, it is. Just a little."

Shizuru nodded. 

A moment later, she drew her sword and slashed horizontally. This time, the strike was far higher, in line with her eyes, and ended with her sword held decisively to the side. A moment later, she stepped back, adjusting her grip and stabbing her sword decisively forwards. Her motion had been violent, but the sword was steady, pointed straight at my face. Her eyes ran down the edge of the blade and met my own, then she dropped her scabbard. It clattered as it hit the floor, point first, and Shizuru slashed again, diagonally upwards. Her left hand met the hilt as her blade was in motion, checking it then slashing down again, before following through with two more vicious cuts. She took a step back, her eyes burning.

It was striking, but not because this passion was new to me. Quite the opposite.

Shizuru moved her feet deftly, twisting her sword from position to position, blocking an invisible assailant. Each movement was decisive but controlled, snapping from position to position as if she was just barely reigning in and disciplining her own strength. It was a deceptive picture. Her body followed an almost wavelike motion, crashing from stance to stance with taunt passion. But her hands moved deftly about the hilt of her blade, shifting position and moderating her stance. Her left fingers slid up the blunt edge, steadying a shift to a horizontal block, then pushed off as she stepped back again. Her feet, too, moved with elegance and control. She stepped forwards, and back, and sideways, freely and smoothly. Never disturbing the tempo of her own attacks. And she was never, ever off-balance. 

Of course, fighting an invisible enemy is easy enough. But the rapidity of her movement was real, and the weight of her sword was real, and her steady and unflinching grip was real. The same went for her intent; her tight lips and narrow, angry eyes radiated focus. Presence. In a way, it was a contradiction. Her whole body radiated a vicious forcefulness, but her every motion was tempered by a tight, unflinching discipline. It wasn't quite bezerk, and it wasn't quite rational. The overall result was terrifying, and beautiful to watch.

And, on another level, she was unconfined. Her steps had no pattern that I could discern, and while I could at least guess that the motions of her sword matched them- for she didn't stumble- they were also incomprehensible. She moved her sword through motion after motion, cuts and thrusts in every direction. And she turned, as well, or cut to her sides or over her shoulders. The overall impression was that she was fighting enemies on all sides, alone. I couldn't speak, and there was nothing to say anyway. I could just watch her.

And she had a rough, cruel beauty.

Her breath came fast as she continued to move, but she didn't let tiredness show on her face. Her kimono shifted about her, white flicking out as she turned, pale against her skin. And her hair spilled around her, untied- even though she knew she was doing this. It was the only splash of colour she possessed, save for her curt eyes, a striking crimson tracing her own sword. Sweat beaded her brow, visibly running down her face as she continued. It was strange, violent and uncoordinated as it seemed, but also haunting. For some reason, I couldn't take my eyes off her in that moment.

It's not that she was especially beautiful, in objective terms. Shizuru is always beautiful, and violent exertion did not allow her to maintain her normal presentation. And it wasn't sexual, either, because she always has a good body, and she can dress and act flatteringly. But it was also both those things, and something else. It was something close to how she was in the Carnival, but not quite that. Even though this was violent, it was also warmer. Her cold and broken sadism was completely absent. Rather, you could say she was furious, wrapped in a passion I couldn't see. Rather than being possessed by impossibly distant and forceful emotions, she was consumed from moment to moment by the moment itself. Or, at least, that was how it appeared to me.

I wonder what she's fighting.

It was also a little strange, and a little daring, and a little dangerous. All of those things, which tell of distinction from the norm, and the eroticism of treading on the edge of something, are also a part of it. Shizuru has always possessed those qualities, though, especially to my eye. She makes the ordinary plain, and is always unbounded by it. That's why she can do those in front of me at one in the morning, not why her doing this at one in the morning catches my eye.

There's one more thing, though, and that's the sheer, unreconstructed energy of the thing. Shizuru always acts as if she's half-asleep when she can, as a result of being fully awake. Gentle, lazy and soft are all words I'd associate with her ordinary self. The words tied to her by her own public image. But this brought her to life, from her kinetic actions to the passion in her eyes. I know it comes from pain and I know it comes from sadness. Even so, this is better than her throwing herself into cold light cold water. Right now, rudely and forcefully, she is alive, and forcing herself upon the world around her. 

It reminds me of myself, or perhaps how she speaks of me. I must be a vain person, because I loved to see it in her. Even after our past. Even after our own pains. Even after being shot at and stabbed at and kicked and threatened and cursed and interrogated and troubled by so many things, and so many memories, she was still rudely alive. Even if she rarely shows it, she still possessed this kind of passion and strength inside.

So I watched her without interrupting. But of course, one of that changes the fact that she was tired, and still not a little ill. Even for Shizuru, anger and force of will have limits. As that weakened her, she slowed and softened rather than compromising her self-control. Exhaustion mellowed her quite visibly, her tiredness transmuting by dignity alone into her usual aristocratic reserve. And that was also Shizuru. She isn't a mystery or a matching set or anything else. The Shizuru who sat and smiled and the Shizuru who cursed herself and the world were one and the same. I had time for all of her and a marvel for her many faces. They're not just lies any more, either. She's made a habit of showing her sincere self to me.

One of the common threads is the Shizuru who always goes too far, whatever it is she is doing.

Her knees folded under her, only partly voluntarily, and she crouched, half-supporting herself on her katana. "Damn," she murmured quietly. She leaned forwards, taking heavy breaths and supporting herself with her left hand. Her right moved, laying her sword down gently. "I guess this is all I can do, right now…"

I scrambled up, running to help her. Shizuru pushed herself up, managing to turn her breathless crouch into seiza. And she looked up at me, smiling thinly. "I'm sorry, Natsuki. Though it was a little different from the usual, I still had to be very… unsightly…"

"It suits you," I replied, offering her my hand. "You shouldn't be ashamed of it."

"Do you think?" Shizuru asked, sounding a little off-guard. She breathed deeply, while trying to hide that fact, then started to cough. "Damn. I just need to collect my sword-"

"I'll do that," I replied, leaning down and grabbing her by the arm. "You should just rest, and wait for me."

"I'll do what I can," Shizuru replied, sounding almost sleepy. She followed me without offering further resistance, sitting on one of the cushions at the edge of the dojo and hugging her knees childishly. "Thank you for everything, Natsuki."

"This is nothing," I replied sincerely, crossing the room and picking up the scabbard where she'd let it fall.

"Whatever you say, it's still rather strange, isn't it?" Shizuru asked pointedly. "I can't imagine you've ever done anything so vulgar yourself."

"That's not true," I replied absently, gingerly taking her katana and trying to slide it into the sheath. Just how did she make it look so easy, anyway? It was annoying. "It's a pretty simple thing, but sometimes you just want to smash something. That's only human."

"I think, that doesn't mean it isn't vulgar," Shizuru said doubtfully.

"It's vulgar but healthy, unlike you and your habit of repressing everything," I replied, turning and walking back. "You know, you really should do this more often. It could help you cheer up and stop blaming yourself for everything all the time."

Shizuru coughed again, restraining herself as best she could. "I wonder. I don't think my problems are that simple…"

"It's better than self-harm, anyway," I said firmly, sitting next to her and handing her the sword. "There isn't anything to be ashamed of, either. In case you haven't noticed, we are on your side."

"I know." Shizuru closed her eyes, rubbing her hot cheeks. "But sometimes I wonder whether I am on my side."

I chuckled at that, smirking slightly. "You know, me too. But it's probably fine, just as long as you considerately remember us as well."

"But isn't a pain, and something troublesome?" Shizuru asked, glancing at me. Her eyes had shadows, but they were still lively. "I remember you saying that a lot."

"Just because you annoy someone a little, that doesn't mean the end of the world," I reminded her. "Besides, that's only one part of you. I care for the whole… and even that one small part of you, as illogical as it may seem. That's why you shouldn't punish yourself for punishing yourself, at least." I leaned back, resting my head against the dojo wall. "That would just be silly."

"I suppose so," Shizuru conceded. She rested her sword on her lap, touching the sheath gently. And for a few moments, she didn't say anything. When I glanced sidelong at her, she was just looking down thoughtfully, quiet and contained. "You know, I do genuinely believe in that," she said eventually. "Even though this world is rather different from the one where all those traditions lie… and even they're a family matter, rather than something sincerely for me alone… there's something fundamental about my sword. Your weapons would be the same, but…" Shizuru stopped and sighed. "It's probably too late at night for philosophy. I can't think straight."

"That's fine. I know what you mean. But I'm not particularly complicated about it, either." I glanced sidelong at her. "You know, Shizuru. You looked pretty cool."

Shizuru flushed slightly, looking away. "You flatter me too much…"

"You know, you're surprisingly bad at taking compliments, from time to time," I noted, sounding a little surprised. "Isn't that against type?"

"Natsuki is different," Shizuru replied, giving me a small smile. "You always have been."

"I'll bear that in mind. It could be useful."

"I hope you aren't plotting against me. My dignity is important." Shizuru made a noise somewhere between a sigh and a yawn, before leaning back. Her head touched the wall behind her, and then she shifted, propping herself up against it. "Such as I have."

"Do you want to go to bed?" I suggested, glancing at her.

Shizuru glanced sidelong at me, her face wearing a curious expression. "Not yet, I don't think." Her right hand ran up the length of her sword's sheath. "Being here, is a little more restful. But I can't know how long you intend to humour me."

I smirked. "Tonight? Or generally?"

"My thought was tonight," Shizuru replied. "But either works, I suppose." She closed her eyes and took a breath.

I shifted backwards myself, imitating her posture. It was surprisingly comfortable, at least at first. And we were very close together, with just a few inches separating our shoulders. I glanced sidelong at her, focusing on the crimson eyes through the tangled curtain of her hair. They, too, were very close, as were her face. There was proximity, and a comfort in proximity. "You put yourself down too easily. It's a little depressing."

"Sorry."

"See? You're doing it again!"

Shizuru smiled at me, in such a way that I was almost sure that was intentional. "Putting that aside, though, I have been worrying you. I'm sorry for that. But, with my memories." She stopped abruptly. "Or, to put it another way…"

"You know, you don't have to explain yourself," I said, trying my best to look and sound encouraging. "I already know, pretty much. When the past, and what it represents to you, and world itself all conspire… there's a lot of frustration." I turned away, allowing myself to frown. "You remember things, especially when you are alone. And it isn't easy to bear."

"You were always alone, weren't you?" Shizuru asked quietly. "And because of that, you were so sad."

"I'm not really, talking about myself," I replied loosely. "But just that part of myself which relates to you. My worries about the past, are also my past, now. I've given up on that, and moved on."

"That past, certainly. That's because you're a strong person." Shizuru kept her voice very quiet indeed. "But I can't help but feel that your more recent and more unpleasant past… that isn't something you could just forget. The nature of my sin-"

"I don't want to talk about it," I said shortly.

"Of course," Shizuru replied instantly. "I'm sorry."

I tilted my head slightly, looking up at the ceiling. "But not for the reasons you think."

Shizuru didn't say anything in reply, though I have a feeling that she watched me for a moment.

"Because, you always those words. Sin, crime, something unforgivable… it's too celestial for someone like me. I don't like it." I was speaking without much thought involved. It was too early in the morning for complex thoughts and worries. "What you did, you did for people. And it's people who will judge you, as well. If there's another judge to come after, that's fine, but irrelevant as well." I closed my eyes. "Some people won't ever forgive you, yeah. But that isn't the same as something being unforgivable. Some people forgive you, so it's fine, isn't it?"

"I know your kindness, and I know you are kind," Shizuru replied. "And I know there are other kind people in the world, as well. People who know and forgive me, and people who might forgive me if they knew, in time. The world has many people. But, I am not such a forgiving person myself-"

"And if I had raped you?" I asked bluntly. And those words echoed heavily.

Shizuru turned her head away. Even so, she didn't try to move away, or leave. When I glanced at her, worried that I'd gone too far, her neck was tense. But she replied, anyway. "You would never do that-"

"Wrong. Because, you know, I never considered you someone capable of doing that to me, either. That didn't even touch my image of you in any way. And that betrayal hurt, rather more than whatever it is you physically did to me. You know that already, though." I reached for her shoulder, then stopped. Right now, she wouldn't want that. I wouldn't want that. "If it was me, you wouldn't expect it or comprehend it either. But, I could do it."

Shizuru shook her head. "No. I'm different from you, Natsuki… you're a more noble and a better person. That's what the Carnival showed, in the end, in our different roles."

"Kind. You call me kind a lot. And noble and better, now." I frowned at her. "I don't like that either, because it isn't true. Whatever your image of me, I'm not really a good person."

"That's not true," Shizuru said quietly.

"That's true. I'm selfish, and violent, and from the beginning I used people when I could and otherwise ignored them. That Natsuki wouldn't help anyone, even if they were dying, if she had something better to do. And she was a murderer."

"You've changed, though," Shizuru replied. "That isn't fair."

"And why did I change?" I asked rhetorically.

Shizuru returned my gaze. "That was, because of Mai-chan… principally."

I snorted softly. "Mai helped, a lot. Even so, everything began with you. To some degree, everything was for you, because you were a person I respected and liked. And when you reached out for me, and worked so hard for me, wasn't that a selfless and good action?"

"That was-"

"My selfish feelings," I finished spontaneously. "Or something to that effect?"

Shizuru looked down at the floor, face heavy.

"It's not so simple," I replied, trying to smile. "I don't know why you think I'm always so kind to you, as you put it… but it's not because I'm a kind person. I didn't forgive anyone for ten years of my life. And your feelings made you do selfless and kind things for me. And between them, that's the same feeling. It's not something you can hypocritically call kind in one case or disgusting in the other. I'm selfish, too. You're kind, too. It's the same."

"But, even if you say that, it's not the same," Shizuru said heavily, looking at me. And there was something almost spiteful, in her tone and in her expression. "In so many ways."

My stomach lurched. It is, after all, difficult for me to justify the things I'm saying, at times. Because- 

I chuckled, and Shizuru blinked at me. "You know, you're right, in a way," I replied. "As I am now, and where I stand now… I might not have the right to say that, after all."

Shizuru looked at me curiously.

"But, I want to say it," I continued. "And I want you to listen, and believe. If that's possible. I want you to smile, but for myself as well as you… that makes me say selfish things, not kind ones."

Shizuru smiled slightly, again. "Perhaps. This is very complex. But I shouldn't react in an impolite way."

"You should read the mood," I retorted. "Being polite would the height of discourtesy in this situation."

Shizuru giggled slightly, and tried to control the sound. Perhaps she thought it was inappropriate.

"But, you know," I stopped, and sighed. "It looks like I've completely lost the thread of what I'm saying, after all. I guess it just was that there are always good things and bad things, whenever something really matters. And you can hate the bad things, but that doesn't mean you should hate the importance itself… that can make people happy, as well."

"If that's the case, I should just judge my nature and my bonds by the results they bring others," Shizuru replied. "And, even then, the result would be the same. I've caused you too much pain and sadness, and betrayed you in too many ways, for me to forgive myself. That can't be outweighed by my small and selfish kindness."

"That's a little arrogant," I retorted softly. "It's not for you to judge, Shizuru. I'm the one who should say things like that. But, for me, it's not true. Though you made me suffer as well, even so." I reached out gently, touching her cheek. "I'm still glad I met you. And if you've done terrible things, that just shows all the more how all your gestures, and words, and sacrifices, and everything you are, mean to me. Those precious things."

Shizuru gave me a look that was almost trapped and afraid. It was reminiscent, in a way, of my look when she said and did something to dominate a situation. Evoking memories with cruel worlds… in the same way, she was cornered. By her own dignity, though, not her fear. Or, if this was her fear, it was complex and dark, and tied to her self-hate. Her fear of genuine affection, for all she talks of my kind words. 

"You know, you're a little selfish," I observed honestly, dwelling on that in my head. "You talk a lot about my kind words, but really, you want them to be tokenistic and cold. A measure of my saintly personality, but you don't like genuine warmth… that's all I really have though, clumsy and unsubtle and," I cut myself off abruptly, staring into her eyes. "Well, you're still stubborn. But you know, this isn't something you can dismiss with an excuse about kindness. I'm not kind; I just feel this way about you. That's all there is."

Shizuru blinked, looking as if she was trying to come up with a rationalisation. Some way to dismiss what I'd said, or moderate it. She's a little cowardly at times, especially about being brave enough to forgive herself.

I leaned forwards slightly, coming dangerously close to her cheek. I slipped my head sideways, my mouth coming close to her ear. "Shizuru," I whispered. "I can see clearly now, more than before."

I wrapped my arms around her, just as I had before. It was uncomfortable in a way, because the weight of her head pushed my arm up against the wall, and I had to lean forwards awkwardly to reach her. But it was also warm, and comforting. I could feel her body very close to mine, and feel her breath, on my cheek, and in the subtle movements of her body. It was an abstraction that totally focused on her.

"But even if you still care about me, that doesn't change what I've done," Shizuru began again. "Even if you can forgive me, I'm still such a horrible person, the worst kind of person. That's who I am, so-"

"I must have really bad taste," I remarked quietly. "Just shut up and hug me, already." 

To my surprise, Shizuru tentatively put her arms around me. Her arms were shaking, perhaps with tiredness, perhaps with fear. As if her or I would break, if we held onto each other. But it didn't feel like that. It didn't feel like that at all, not for me.

"You know, you should be more honest," I said, when I pulled away slightly and let her go. This time, I was turned and facing her, and she was facing me. There was even less distance between us. "When you put yourself down, you're also calling me an idiot. If you really were completely disgusting, then I really am an idiot. Somehow blind, certainly foolish… a strange person who has a horrible, selfish, self-destructive girl for her most important person. And that's true, whether you tell me that, or keep it inside your head."

Shizuru didn't say anything for a moment. Then she smiled a little wryly, looking down at the narrow space of floor between us. "You know, this is unpleasantly like being cornered, after all."

Some part of me was twisted up and pained, but even so, I didn't relent. I was too caught up in the moment. And maybe, just maybe, that was the right idea. I had to break down something hard and twisted in her, before she could genuinely smile again.

"But I don't think you're any of those things, even though you've betrayed my trust in a lot of ways, and hurt me in a lot of ways," I said urgently. "They're part of you, and I'm not absolving you of responsibility. Even so, you are better than that… I don't have to hate you just for that. You're still funny, and kind, and beautiful, and interesting. You still look after me, and look out for me, and protect me. I still care for you, and you're still Shizuru."

"And I suppose my self-hate is one of my selfish feelings, to you," Shizuru replied quietly. "I know I'm troubling you, but I can't just let that go."

"Of course. You should be a little guilty. I'm a little guilty, as well, because I'm no saint, and I have bad memories of myself. But, you know, you shouldn't eat your own life up with a big, scary obsession." I smiled weakly at her. "Whether it's love or hate, passions are fine. The Shizuru I know is passionate, in a quiet way. But you're a lot better to me when you're a little mellow, and more than one thing. Complex, and human, and-" I stopped talking abruptly, looking down. Even now, I didn't intend to cry for her.

Knowing her, she'd only say it was proof that she'd hurt me.

"And those emotions are the same, in that respect," Shizuru said quietly. "Well, if you insist it's that way, I certainly feel like something of an idiot."

"We match," I said thickly, still struggling to keep my voice even. "I'll forgive you."

"I still don't deserve to hear you say that, over and over," Shizuru replied quietly.

"That's fine. I didn't ask for permission to forgive you." I steadied myself, and looked into her eyes again. "So, would you be able to forgive me, if I ever raped you?"

Shizuru winced and froze, with an expression that was too calculating to be truly shocked. "I probably wouldn't be able to forgive you-"

"Is that your real answer?" I asked thoughtfully. "Or is that the option with what you regard as the least bad implication for me?"

"You ask very awkward questions," Shizuru replied uneasily, glancing honestly back at me.

"Well, you don't have to reply," I said. "You can't really know, until you've experienced it. I won't do that, of course, but… you probably have a feeling, even now, that may or may not have anything to do with principle." I smiled awkwardly. "Feelings are like that, aren't they? They really aren't rational, after all. Especially the strong ones."

"My feeling… would be that I'd forgive you," Shizuru replied. "But my emotions have always been twisted and self-sacrificial, so that's not general, and-"

"That's fine. Considering I really have forgiven you, you're really insulting me again." I smiled at her expression. "But that's an aside. You're still going to continue, right? You'll still have guilt and doubt and regret. You're human, which is also good."

Shizuru nodded. "Natsuki is so understanding. Or, rather, you understand that as well. I hope you won't worry or concern yourself with that part of me, because I don't want to trouble you."

"Of course I'll be troubled. But, that's why you're going be honest from now on." I smiled at her. "We'll do it together, and I'll watch you again. If you want to cry, or scream, I'll hold you. Even if you have to hurt yourself, I'll see that too, and protect you if I can. I won't be disgusted, either. Because, really, I don't intend to stop you from feeling what you truly want to feel."

Shizuru giggled quietly, which annoyed me a little. I was rather proud of finding a way to slip that in. 

I offered her my hand. "That is also a promise." 

She took it, nodding. And she pointedly, desperately, did not cry, until she turned her head away.

Shizuru's violence. Her sadness. Her kindness. Her cruelty. Her crimes and her regrets. Her pride and her self-hate, and her gentle stubbornness, and her quiet assertiveness, and her courageous cowardice… she's a lot of things, contradictions, juxtapositions, not a neat person, not easy. But I don't think I am any different in that respect, and it may be true of all people. There's still room in my head, though, for her and all of her. It may just be as simple as that.

I'm something of an idiot for her, all told. But that also feels fine.


	37. Chapter 37

**Windows of the Soul: Part Thirty-Seven**

On length. I dislike stories that stop immediately after a confession or a romantic resolution, as if nothing interesting could happen thereafter. I also dislike stories that rush into a romance without proper development.

The intelligent reader will immediately appreciate the degree to which I am backing myself into a corner...

* * *

When I woke, I was in someone's arms. That was surprising enough in itself, so even though I was tired to the bone and could barely see or think, I forced my eyes open. A surprising face looked down at me. "Tou… sama?"

"Honestly, you've developed strange habits while you were away," Otousama said shortly. He carried on walking down the corridor, carrying me as if one was a child again. "You aren't what I'd expect to see in my dojo at this time of the morning."

"Where's Natsuki?" I asked instinctively. I remembered a lot of last night in a single moment, and fell abruptly silent. But it wasn't a bad feeling, either.

"She was sleeping with you. I'll take care of moving her after this, more carefully. She's still wounded, after all." Otousama frowned. "Perhaps I should just wake her up…"

"You could have done that with me," I replied automatically. "This is… a little…"

"You should sleep without worrying about anything." Otousama looked down the corridor, frowning slightly. "And I have your katana, as well. You should be more careful."

Some kind of normality began to reassert itself. "I'm sorry, Tou-sama," I said. "I have troubled you rather a lot."

Otousama grunted. "Rather, indeed. You know, you're not a slender child any more, and I'm not as young as I used to be."

Though he kept his face even and composed, that is probably the closest he normally comes to affection. "That's certainly true," I admitted sleepily. "It's rather childish…"

"Adults sleep in their beds."

"You're very cruel." I tried to focus, but there wasn't much to focus on except the continual, low pain in my legs, and the fact that the left side of my body was numb. Presumably from sleeping on hard wood, and it was hard to remember why that had seemed like a good idea at the time…

"We only have one guest, and she's implicated as well. I'll forgive you." Otousama reached what looked like the door to my room, and stared at it with a serious impression. "Shizuru, grab onto my kimono."

"Yes," I replied uncertainly, taking hold of the dull blue cloth.

He released his grip from my shoulders, supporting my upper body with his arm as he reached out and opened the door. He shifted his hand back and stepped through, laying me down on the futon. A moment later, he turned away, pulling my sheathed katana from his obi and holding it up with both hands. "I'm putting this back in its proper place, Shizuru." He returned it to my daisho's stand. "You should take care of the rest."

"Yes," I said slowly, catching his meaning. "I'll do that."

"Good. Don't worry, I'll take care of Kuga-san. An account of this can wait, but I'll tell Viola when she's up. You shouldn't do things that might trouble us unduly, Shizuru."

"I'm sorry," I repeated quietly. "What time is it?"

"Five thirty-five," Otousama replied, glancing down at me. "You should sleep some more. Take it easy again."

"Yes, Otousama." Was that four hours asleep? Three? I lost track of time, but it wasn't long enough. I didn't need a watch to see that, I could barely see.

"Well, then. Later." He nodded at me briefly and left, closing the door behind him. A moment later, he opened it again, and left it like that without a word.

For a few moments, I tried to fix my mind on what had happened last night, but it was almost too large to deal with. Certainly too difficult a subject for my half-awake self in the murk of a very early morning.

So I waited for Otousama to return with Natsuki, instead.

I was really very tired, and glad to crawl under the covers. I was cold, as well, because there weren't any blankets, and sore in many places, and tired as death, and very glad to return to warmth and comfort. Despite that, I remained awake.

Watching Otousama walk in carrying a sleepy and extremely vocal Natsuki was certainly a reward for my efforts. That is a scene I shall remember.

* * *

When I woke again, someone was looking down at me, rather closer than I would like.

"Good morning, Natsuki-chan," Saaya remarked amicably, smiling down at me.

I blinked then pushed myself up, forcing her to stand properly. "You, too? I'm not letting you carry me!"

Saaya gave me an ambiguous smile, while someone behind me giggled. "Good morning, Natsuki."

I turned my head rapidly, glancing at her. "Good morning, Shizuru." And then I remembered, and flushed. "You saw it, didn't you?"

"Saw what?" Shizuru asked innocently.

"Saw that," I replied decisively, scowling at her. "I remember. You were pretending to be asleep, but you definitely peeked!"

"I'm sorry, Natsuki, it's a little early in the morning," Shizuru said, smiling apologetically. "I can't recall what you mean, offhand."

"Damnit, Shizuru," I complained. "Even if I deny it, you were way too obvious! I heard you snort with laugher, and then you muffled it in your pillow!"

"Oh, that," Shizuru said, with a feigned revelation. "You mean when Otousama was-"

"Don't say it!" I snapped, shooting daggers at her.

"Ara, Ara," Viola remarked quietly, slipping her hands into her sleeves. "A comic interlude."

I groaned, putting my hand on my head and looking around. Surely enough, Hideko was also hovering in the corner. "It's too early in the morning for so many of you at once…"

"We're very sorry for the inconvenience," Viola replied sincerely, smiling slightly at me. "You look tired. But our new guests are arriving within an hour, most likely."

I blinked. "Guests? You mean Mai and everyone?"

Viola nodded. "Shizuru will be up and presentable to them. You can continue to sleep if you like, you have no obligation as a host. But I thought it best to wake you again. If I've been remiss, I'm sorry for that."

"No, it's fine," I replied tiredly. "I'll get dressed."

"Of course, there may be a limit to how presentable we can make Shizuru-chan," Saaya remarked innocently. "I'm afraid she isn't looking her best, and her tiredness weighs heavily on her."

"Then I'm sure I am counting on you all," Shizuru replied. Her eyes met mine, and she smiled at me.

"We'll change your bandages later, darling, but I'm afraid they will have to keep for now," Viola said, moving forwards. "We don't have time for you to bathe, either. We'll just take care of your hair and clothes. Will you be wearing a kimono or casual?"

"The former would be my personal preference, in this house," Shizuru replied. "But most likely, they will be dressed casually, no? Perhaps I should put them at their ease."

"Precisely. It doesn't do to intimidate people or make them feel out of place."

"Best to go with casual, then," Saaya suggested. "And you can bathe and change into a kimono for dinner, later."

Shizuru nodded. "That sounds like a workable compromise. Perhaps white again? It does suit me."

"I've had Saaya look through what you have, and of course we brought some more. White is good, but I was considering grey and black. I think dark colours would suit you as well."

I was watching the two of them with interest when Saaya put her hand on my head. "As for this one… I'm counting on you, Hideko-chan."

Hideko bowed, folding her hands together. "As you say, Saaya-san."

"Use your own judgement," Saaya suggested happily. "I'll be looking forwards to the result."

"Hey, don't decide things on your own," I complained. "And don't do that to my head either. It's patronising."

"I'm sorry, Natsuki-chan," Saaya replied, looking sidelong at me. "I was just pushing down your bed-hair."

"I don't have bed hair," I protested. "I wasn't even sleeping in one until a moment ago."

Hideko took my arm with one of her hands, smiling at me. "If you please, Kuga-san."

I gave up and followed her quietly, feeling rather like I was under arrest. We returned to my room, and Hideko subtly directed me to stand in the middle of the room.

"I've already appraised your own clothes, as well," Hideko told me smoothly, turning to the wardrobe. "It's too bad that you could not pack a little more, as what you have chosen is to your advantage."

"What, you've been rooting through my stuff?" I asked, a little incredulous. "What? Everything?"

"Of course. We are left to wash them, after all, and we are also to discharge this function."

I frowned. "Even my bras and stuff?"

"Kuga-san has excellent taste," Hideko replied.

I flushed slightly. So that was a yes.

"In any case, only your second pair of clothes are currently ready. However, I thought it might be more agreeable for you to borrow part of Ojou-sama's wardrobe? There is plenty to spare, and your sizes are very similar."

"Can't I just wear my own clothes?" I said, a little puzzled. "That seems simplest."

"But that isn't very fun," Hideko said lightly, glancing at me and smiling. "You know, you're a little more challenging for me. Ojou-sama has always had an enthusiasm for dressing well."

"I don't dress badly," I protested.

"Of course. But trying something new is fine, as well. For girls of your age, there's a special value in dressing attractively. At the very least, there's no harm in it." Hideko glanced at me. "I would rather like to try and surprise Ojou-sama, as well. She's probably seen you dress as you normally do, but a change might interest her."

"It's not like that's a big deal," I said cautiously. "Besides, she'd recognise her own clothes."

"Not those brought for her by Viola Ojou-sama," Hideko corrected. "There are quite a few of those."

I sighed, rubbing my head. "You just want to play dress-up with me, right? It's like everyone in the household except me is the same."

"It's just too bad, considering you have such a natural beauty and charm," Hideko offered. "Bringing more of that out can only be a good thing."

"Flattery won't help either."

Hideko walked up to me, reaching out and pushing my hair out of my face. "And I'm sure it would please Ojou-sama, as well. She shares with Viola Ojou-sama an aesthetic taste, a love of the beautiful. I'm very sure she would be grateful to you, for taking the time."

Our eyes met, and then I sniffed slightly and turned away. "Oh, fine. You're just going to go at me until I agree, right?"

"That may be so," Hideko replied, walking around me and beginning to ease her fingers through my hair. "Do you have anything in mind, Kuga-san?"

"No, but you do," I replied, closing my eyes. "What is it you suggest, then?"

"Well, blue is your colour. Especially with your hair, it's most striking." She released my hair and stepped away slightly. "Because of that, though, it's something you play on rather a lot. A more novel colour might flatter you as well. How about white? Do you normally wear white?"

"Not really," I admitted.

"I thought so. That might be good."

"There's probably a reason why I don't normally wear white!"

"Don't worry," Hideko replied. "You will certainly be able to carry it off. And perhaps your hair, as well?" She stepped forwards again, gathering it together close to my head. "Perhaps a ponytail?"

I snorted, closing my eyes slightly. "You know, you're surprisingly enthusiastic about this."

"I was chosen, in part, for my enthusiasm for good dressing," Hideko said. "That is natural for a Lady's Maid."

"Are you this assertive with Shizuru?" I asked. "Or do I get special treatment, as I'm not your boss?"

"There's no need to be vulgar," Hideko said reproachfully, letting my hair ago and stepping back again. "But Ojou-sama is normally enthusiastic, as I said. Even if it is only her school uniform, she was always a careful dresser."

"Should I be surprised?" I mused aloud.

"Touching on another note, I was very relieved," Hideko said quietly. "In spite of yesterday, Ojou-sama was not sad this morning. On the contrary, she was happier than she has been in some time."

"Is that so?" I said. "That's good, I guess. She's been worrying you as well, right?"

"A little. But I am not like Saaya-san, after all. I can only watch from the side, and that's a little hard from time to time." Hideko paused for a moment, then clapped her hands together decisively. "Now, we should begin with your hair. I'll comb it out and smooth it down first, and we can decide on anything else afterwards."

I nodded, allowing myself to be let towards the dressing table, and seated. "Honestly, being spoiled like this… I can't believe Shizuru could be used to this kind of thing."

"Please think nothing of it. I will be as fast as I can, though, we've talked for rather too long." Hideko stepped deftly sideways, beginning to sort through various brushes and combs. "You have beautiful hair, Kuga-san. Working on such a subject is a pleasure for me."

I rolled my eyes. "And go easy on the flattery, you know. I'm not like Shizuru, after all. It makes me uncomfortable."

Hideko glanced sideways, her eyes meeting mine in the mirror. "I'm sorry. But can I also thank you?"

"For what?" I asked, blinking.

Hideko picked up a comb and began to run a hand through my hair. "For everything. You have been helpful, as I had hoped. Please continue your good work, if that is at all possible."

I frowned for a moment. "Sure. I'll do it."

After that, Hideko chattered about different ways in which I could dress, and the different ways she'd dressed Shizuru, and things like that. Apparently an endless capacity for easy talk was another of her qualifications. And she told me to undress, blithely ignoring my embarrassment, and dressed me in turn, fluttering around me and trying this and that. Even if this was a foreshortened time, it felt long enough. And it was very flattering, to be the centre of someone else's attention in such a way. But that also wasn't entirely true, either. Indirectly, I suppose, everything Hideko was doing for me was her present to Shizuru.

In the same way, what she thanked me for was more important to her than my beauty or my hair, and my promise was more important than my compliance. Implicitly, I knew these things. Her whole manner spoke of that, and I found it a little strange that she could be so easily and sincerely concerned for Shizuru. I'm a child of a modern age, and to me, a servant is just a servant. An employee who executes a duty. Surely in that respect any affection is just for the master's vanity?

It was probably that way to begin with. But Hideko, never Shizuru's age but not so old as to forget being twelve, and then thirteen, and then fourteen, has been around her from some time. A long time. In some ways, the longest time, people say. And watching that child grow up and become sophisticated and beautiful, popular and intelligent but also human, with her own worries and her own whims and her own affections. It would be hard not to form a bond, watching that. You'd probably call it a motherly emotion.

As far as I can tell, Shizuru has three mothers. No wonder Shinri's insecure.

In any case, Hideko finished her grand design just in the nick of time. White was featured heavily, and she did insist on a ponytail and a skirt. At least the velvet jacket thing was black, something that suited me far better. As for the rest, I'm not a skirt kind of girl, damnit. You couldn't ride a bike dressed like this.

The ponytail isn't so bad, though. I don't have to worry about my hair falling over my eyes as much.

Why didn't I think of that before?

And Shizuru was dressed in black, when the time came for the informal presentation. I suppose that was inevitable, though whether there's been a conspiracy or whether that's just fate, I'm not sure. It looked good, though, in a vaguely dangerous kind of way. Shizuru normally dresses to be classy but restrained, but black makes her look a lot more present. A lot more scary, really, and it brings out her eyes.

And we had the same bloody jacket. I don't know why she had two in the first place, but that just proves all my suspicions correct. At least hers was done up, and mine open. In that way, I can preserve the casual assumption that I am the slightly improper one. It's not like I don't think about these things, whatever Hideko might think.

"What do you think, Ojou-sama?" Hideko prompted expectantly.

Shizuru smiled at me. "She looks very beautiful, Hideko. Thank you for all your hard work."

I snorted, folding my arms. "You look you're about to assassinate someone," I said icily. "It's a little dangerous for everyday wear. In fact, where's your katana? That would complete the picture."

"Do you think? That might not be a bad idea…"

"How does Natsuki-chan look?" Viola asked quietly. "I'm sure it will be very beautiful."

Saaya rattled off one of her quick-fire descriptions with an almost absent fluency. "And very cute, too. I can assure you, they're quite a pair."

"That's good. It doesn't do to wear kimono all the time, when you're young, anyway. I only really change when I'm going to parties, nowadays, and even then I feel insecure about it." Viola smiled genteelly. "You should enjoy your youth."

I don't think it was the young who were enjoying this particular situation the most.

"You shouldn't say such things, Ka-sama," Shizuru said, folding her arms. "You're still beautiful enough, in a middle-aged way."

"That is a strikingly dubious compliment," Viola returned, giggling slightly. "But no more than I deserve by speaking like that, I suppose. In any case, they should be here shortly, if everything goes according to plan."

And that skirt. Sure, she's wearing those long black stocking things, but it's even shorter than the one on our damn school uniforms. And believe me, those uniforms are completely ridiculous. Sure, Shizuru can afford to show off her legs, but it's still weird.

I just wish I could say my skirt was much longer. How did I get talked into this again?

"It will be good to see everyone again," Shizuru remarked, even managing to sound a little like she meant it. "And you, Ka-sama? I presume you shall wait, and I shall introduce them to you at the earliest opportunity?"

"There isn't any rush. It might be better to show them to their rooms, first," Viola replied delicately. "I will be in the lounge, in any case. My sitting room isn't well-suited to a large number of people."

Shizuru nodded. "As you wish. I will see what they consider most convenient."

I looked away and folded my arms, feeling a little left out from all this planning. It was a little strange, really, because they were definitely my friends. Far more so than they were Shizuru's. All the same, the Fujino between them had everything so… organised. It's more effort than I usually ever go to, and not something I can take an interest in.

"What do you think, Natsuki-chan?" Saaya asked innocently.

"About what?" I asked, glancing at her. "When we should go where?"

Saaya sighed. "You're a little boring at times, surprisingly enough. I meant my work with Shizuru. Beyond the quip about ninjas, does it suit her?"

I blinked. And Shizuru's head tilted a little more pointedly away from me, ostensibly focused on her mother. "I don't know offhand how many of them know about your condition. Should I warn them, or would that be indelicate?"

"Well, it's not bad," I said cautiously, looking awkwardly away. "Different."

"Different, we were trying for," Saaya replied. "I suppose that will have to do."

"It's good," I replied, trying to sound more decisive. Actually, damnit, I liked it. Even if it was a little weird, it really did flatter her. Her pale skin, her red eyes, her body. It's not something anyone could have worn, far more so than her voluminous kimono. Some things aren't easy to say, though. "Very… Fujino-like, I guess."

"It might be best to go without explicitly stating it, that does seem crass," Viola replied. "I can assure you that I won't be offended by any minor expression of surprise. I'm well-accustomed to being strangely regarded."

Shizuru nodded. "As you say, Ka-sama."

I'm not a girl who talks about clothes. That's all it comes down to, damnit. Even if I think about image quietly in my head.

"That's good, at least. And for what it is worth, you look overwhelmingly like yourself." Saaya nodded at me. "You should wear skirts more often."

"Right. They don't suit me at all," I groused. "Trousers are more sensible."

"Is that so?" Saaya asked. "What do you two think? I think skirts suit Natsuki-chan quite well."

"They match my image of her, if nothing else," Viola replied, as gracious as ever.

"Listen, the skirt isn't important," I said forcefully. "It really, really isn't. So can we just move on and forget about it? You're making me uncomfortable."

"It's downright unnatural for someone like Natsuki-chan to be insecure about her looks," Saaya complained, looking at Viola. "Don't you agree?"

Shizuru sighed, walking over to me. "On the contrary, it's because you don't need to compliments to reassure yourself. Right, Natsuki?"

"That's true," I replied, trying to glare at Saaya. Though I suspected my idea of that sentence and Shizuru's idea were probably different.

"In any case, it will soon be time. If you'll let us go and wait, Ka-sama?" Shizuru asked politely.

"Of course. Greet them warmly, as guests of our family."

"Well, then." Shizuru tugged gently on my sleeve. "Let's go, Natsuki."

I just nodded, following her.

"Have fun," Saaya suggested, waving decorously.

"I always do," I replied, with just a hint of irony.

"I hope you aren't upset," Shizuru said, when we'd walked out of earshot. She glanced at me, her eyes concerned. "You shouldn't take Saaya's teasing too seriously. It's her way of showing affection."

"It's not like I'm bothered by that," I retorted, trying to slip my hands into the pockets of my trousers then realising I had none. I settled for the ones in my jacket instead. "I do know you, you know."

Shizuru giggled. "A fair point."

"I just don't see what all the fuss is about, that's all," I replied righteously. "It doesn't seem important."

"Skirts are always important," Shizuru said reproachfully. "But I understand your perspective. All the same, I understand Saaya and Hideko, as well." She turned and glanced at me, smiling. "Natsuki looks very cute, after all."

I flushed slightly, pouting at her. "That makes me sound like a little girl with ribbons."

"It's not really that, you know. Though I wouldn't mind seeing you with ribbons in your hair…"

"Shizuru!"

But she was smiling vivaciously when she said that, and I tried very hard not to smile back. My dignity is still my dignity, but it was good- very good- to see Shizuru look and sound a little more like her old self, and a little happier.

I guess today is a new day, after all.

And what happened next… perhaps it's best if I used my own language. My idea of us two simply waiting for them were proven to be a little naïve, as I'd forgotten the critical point. The Fujino were organised.

We were on standby at rally point alpha from eleven-twenty five, in expectation that the convoy would arrive at eleven-thirty. We were accompanied by five maids and three footmen, who stood discreetly out of our way. During the remaining time, Shizuru made small talk with me, without reference to dragons, sexual assault, crazy women with guns or skirts all the while. Perhaps she was being considerate towards the servants. At exactly eleven twenty-eight, the servants moved off according to some prearranged signal, preparing for the assault on the gate. We were the tactical reserve, standing by to execute the important duty of welcoming the guests. All told, there was to be rather more fuss than when Shizuru, the prodigal child, returned from exile. When I asked her about that, she said that was natural. She merely happened to live here, and I was with her. But Mai and everyone else were guests from the start, a far different type of creature.

Honestly, this family takes things way too seriously.

I assume this part of the operation proper occurred on the dot of eleven-thirty, but we weren't involved until eleven-thirty three, when we first established visual contact with the packages. They were being escorted by the butler himself, who had sallied out with some decorum after everyone else had gone. The packages demonstrated a certain amount of awe at their situation, though responses varied. Their leader had to grab one by the pigtails to prevent her from jumping into the bushes. Why she wanted to do that, I have no earthly idea.

I pushed off the wall, looking down the stairs at the motley group. "So, you turned up after all."

Shizuru brought her hands together, bowing elegantly. "Welcome to the Fujino household, all of you. It's an honour, and on a personal level as well, I appreciate it." She straightened, smiling at them.

"Not all," Mai replied, bowing in turn. "We'll be in your care, Fujino-san. Thank you for doing this for us at such short notice."

"Think nothing of it. It really is nothing."

"Don't say too much, it's bad for her ego," I suggested tartly.

Shizuru giggled softly. "That may be so. But I notice your brother isn't here. Couldn't he make it?"

"He's gone to stay with Akira-chan's family," Mai explained. "That is, Okuzaki-san."

Shizuru nodded. "I see. You must be lonely."

"More than that, meeting the parents already?" I quipped. "That's fast work for middle-schoolers."

"You too, Kuga-san," Reito suggested, smiling up at me. "How have things been your end, preceding our arrival? Good progress?"

I flushed slightly, folding my arms. "That has nothing to do with you."

"In any case, how are the two of you?" Mai asked, looking up at us. "We've been worried."

I blinked. Oh, right. That. How could it be that I'd almost forgotten? Skirts indeed.

"As you can see, we haven't been critically injured, though we aren't unhurt either," Shizuru replied. "And we are holding up, though it was a deeply unpleasant experience. I greatly appreciate the fact that all of you have found the time to be here, because of that. It is better to be surrounded by people."

That's almost hypocritical, but in a good way. Her smile looked a little more artificial, though, so I decided to move the subject on. "In any case, I'm guessing the maids and stuff took care of all your luggage?"

Mai nodded. "They're too kind, it makes me feel a little guilty…"

"What is that you're carrying, Mikoto-chan?" Shizuru asked abruptly, but with her usual smile.

I turned my head, blinking. Yes, actually, she was carrying long objects wrapped in cloth, not unlike her-

"Swords!" Mikoto shouted brightly. "My sword, and Ani's sword!"

I winced, while Shizuru merely smiled. "I'm sure Otousama will be very glad."

Reito bowed his head. "As you say. I am given to understand that your honoured father is a skilled practitioner of the sword. It would be an honour to learn even a little from him. I believe Tate-kun brought his bokken, as well."

Tate grinned sheepishly, waving a hand. "I hope that's okay. But I didn't want to feel left out."

"Your enthusiasm will undoubtedly impress Otousama," Shizuru replied. "It will be pleasure to learn alongside you all, as soon as my health permits it."

That was all a euphemism, of course, and we all knew it. For various reasons, and especially after what happened to the two of us, there were reasons for all of us to go around armed. If you thought about it, only Mai and Shiho didn't carry something like that, out of the seven of us together. I guess, fundamentally, we are a group who can only aspire to "normal".

"In any case," Shizuru continued, "I've kept you outside for long enough. I can show you around the house at your convenience. Otousama is at work right now, and won't return before dinner, but Okasama would appreciate a chance to get to know you all at some point. In the meantime, I can show you to your rooms, where your luggage will already have been placed."

"We should probably meet your mother first," Mai replied, starting up the stairs. "We are in her care, after all."

"You don't need to feel obliged," Shizuru replied, turning and stepping through the door.

"Ah, but would she appreciate us seeing her first, regardless of observation?" Reito asked, grinning owlishly.

"That might be so," Shizuru returned, smiling back. "If that is what you want."

"It's good to see you, Natsuki!" Mikoto said in her usual unsubtle way, bouncing up and attaching herself to my arm. "I've missed you!"

"I've missed you too," I replied automatically, receiving an understanding look from Mai. "By the way, though, the food is really good here."

"Really?" Mikoto asked. "Better than Mai's food?"

"More varied than Mai's food," I suggested neutrally. "I've eaten things here that I've never eaten before."

"And most likely better, as well," Mai replied. "I'm only a high schooler, don't flatter me too much."

"Accept compliments with dignity," I retorted, folding my arms. Well, one of my arms. The other one was still attached to Mikoto.

Shizuru giggled. "I'm not sure whether you're best placed to say that, Natsuki."

"This and that are completely different, damnit!"

"I feel like I'm missing out on a critical and interesting story here," Mai said, glancing sidelong at me and smiling. "I want to hear all about it."

"It's a good story, so I'll tell it to you," Shizuru replied amicably.

I snorted. Honestly, she was in a good mood. But I guess that can't be a bad thing. Perhaps being distracted by many people is good for her, after all. And as a result, it's hard to believe that yesterday was only yesterday.

That nonsense this morning might have been the same thing. By busying her with small and human things, and coddling her with so much attention, and giving her something normal to focus on, it might have done a lot to protect her. If you can make the normal interesting, it's easier to forget the abnormal and painful than if you're bored and alone. Shizuru taught me that.

Or perhaps women under the Fujino banner just like playing dress-up with teenage girls. Either is good as an explanation.


	38. Chapter 38

**Windows of the Soul: Part Thirty-Eight**

They say opposites attract. Accepting this premise, do identical individuals 1) also attract each other 2) repulse each other or 3) violently destroy each other and create a large explosion?

* * *

She was sipping tea while she waited, and she looked up when we entered, vaguely following us with her eyes. "Welcome, everyone."

"Okasama, these are my friends," I said, feeling a little uncomfortable with the description. It didn't seem very appropriate for me to talk about them in such a way, but no acceptable alternative sprang to mind. "Mai Tokiha, a classmate of Natsuki's, Yuichi Tate, who worked hard for me on the student council, Mikoto Minagi and her older brother, Reito Minagi, and another middle-schooler, Shiho Munakata. Everyone, this is okasama, Viola Fujino, and her companion Saaya." I nodded to each in turn, and Viola did her best to follow. She would nonetheless remember all the names.

"Thank you for taking care of us," Mai-chan said formally, bowing again. "We are deeply grateful of the chance."

"On the contrary, thank you for taking care of Shizuru and Natsuki-chan. I'm glad you could come, as it will make things more lively around here." Okasama leaned back slightly. "If you'll excuse me for a second… please, Saaya."

Saaya nodded. "Mai-chan is the striking red-head in the foreground, a little shorter than Shizuru and with a comparable figure, a little to the other side. Yuichi-kun is taller, of course, and has orange hair in striking disarray. Mikoto-chan is younger, with braided black hair and striking yellow eyes. She is carrying two long objects, possibly swords. Her brother is a tall and handsome young man of Shizuru's age, with black hair. And Shiho-chan is shorter, and has short pink hair. That is all."

I tried not to smirk at the physical theatre resulting from the descriptions. Mai flushed slightly, Tate patted down his hair, Reito carried on smiling benevolently, but with a trace more smugness, Shiho snorted and looked away… I do wonder whether Saaya does this in such a deliciously indiscreet away merely to provoke a reaction. But I did my best to school my expression, as if this was absolutely normal.

"You don't look like Kaichou," Mikoto observed, frowning. She alone had been utterly unfazed, naturally enough.

"That's true," Okasama allowed, smiling slightly. "I'm afraid my condition prevents any striking resemblance, though thankfully it has not passed on to Shizuru."

"Condition?" Mikoto asked, blinking innocently. Mai sushed her.

"In any case, can I be the first to say that is a pleasure to meet you, Fujino-san?" Reito remarked smoothly, stepping forwards and smiling. "I can see where Shizuru-san recieves her beauty from."

"A man who compliments mother and daughter at once is surely hedging his bets," Saaya remarked playfully, while Okasama just smiled.

"Not at all. As I appreciate snowbells in nature, so I appreciate beauty of all kinds. But if I have been forward, I will beg your apology. Well-intentioned and ill-advised enthusiasm is a characteristic of my family," he remarked, with a subtle glance towards Mikoto, who had already stolen one of okasama's cakes.

"I was more flattered than offended, so no apology is necessary. I've also heard something of you from Shizuru, and so was prepared. By all accounts, you've been of great value to her, and I appreciate your efforts. That's true of all of you, as well. It is good to put voices to names, even if faces are somewhat beyond me."

Mai grabbed Mikoto by the pigtail, dragging her bodily out of range of the table. "It's good to meet you too," she said politely, smiling back. "Oh, and thank you for taking care of Natsuki, as well. She also causes trouble from time to time, with good intentions."

"I do not," Natsuki protested loudly. "I've been on my best behaviour, damnit! And don't talk about me as if I'm not there, either!"

"I can assure you that Natsuki-chan has been no trouble, and very pleasant. We are grateful to her in many ways." Okasama closed her eyes, smiling. "In any case, I've already trespassed upon your valuable time for too long, and I won't keep you from your rooms any longer. Please get settled in at your own pace, and don't be afraid to call if you need any help. The servants will call you when it is time for lunch. You can show them the way, no, Shizuru?"

"Of course, Okasama," I replied politely. "I will take care of it."

I turned and led them away, waiting as usual until we were just out of earshot before speaking again. "I hope no one was offended by Saaya's manner. Okasama's sight is extremely poor, so this is necessary, but I can't expect people to enjoy being physically compartmentalised."

"It's not a problem," Mai assured me quickly. "I understand. Is she really blind, then?"

"She can make out shapes and vague colour, but little more. It is tragic for her, albeit one she is better-equipped to deal with than the tragedies of many other people."

"She's also crazy, and Saaya is worse," Natsuki offered candidly, falling in next to Mai. "Get used to the two of them."

"Why is she blind, though?" Mikoto asked, tugging on Mai's sleeve. "I noticed, but no one else said anything about it, so I thought it would be silly. Why didn't you ask?"

"Fujino-san… Kaicho-san's mother has something called albinism," Mai began to explain, a patient expression on her face. "That's why she has white hair. It also affects her sight."

"So, does Mai have strange sight?" Mikoto asked. "You have orange hair."

"That's something different."

"And what about Shiho?"

"Look, Viola is blind because Viola is blind," Natsuki said shortly. "And she also has white hair and pink eyes. Just think of it like that?"

Mikoto nodded. "I see. Natsuki is so clever."

"That's not quite the entire story, though," Mai said reproachfully.

"No need to overcomplicate things," Natsuki suggested, folding her arms. "It's best to keep it simple."

Mikoto looked between them, blinking innocently. "What is for lunch?"

"I'm not sure, but it will be very delicious," Mai said soothingly. "Now stay calm, Mikoto. This isn't the kind of household where you can just rampage around."

I listened to their conversation for a few more moments before smiling slightly and turning my head away. It sounded like Natsuki was having fun, which was the important thing.

"So I've finally met the Snow-White Queen of the Fujino," Reito remarked, stepping forwards slightly and keeping pace with me. "It is truly an honour."

I smiled slightly at him. "Such a nickname exists?"

"It does now. I just invented it, and I'm a little proud of it." Reito chuckled at my facial expression. "She strikes me a polite and dignified woman, and also a formidable one. That's just a first impression, but I expect nothing less of your mother."

"Occasionally, you are a good judge of character," I remarked. "Though that's only rarely true. You shouldn't take Saaya's words as an excuse for flirtation, though."

"That was not flirtation," Reito protested amicably. "My intentions always get misread. It's the curse of being a teenage boy. I was simply commenting on something noticable but trivial, like the weather."

"Never call a woman's beauty trivial," I advised. "We will never forgive or forget."

"And once again, I am shot down," Reito replied, touching his forehead in mock despair. "Perhaps I should simply stop talking."

"That might be an idea," I agreed, turning the corner and stepping close to the wall. "In any case, we are here. Everything has been arranged. I'm taking it as read that everyone is staying in a separate room. Unless you have any objection, Mai-chan?" I smiled at her with my best ambiguous expression, and she just nodded. "Very well. They aren't large, but they should suffice. Our house isn't used to so many guests at once, but we're well within capacity, so please don't feel in any way indebted. If you thank us much more, the reciprocal courtesy will surely spiral off into a cyclic infinity."

"Your rooms are here, and don't thank me," Natsuki translated, leaning against the wall. "If anyone has any more problems with Fujino-speak, come to me. I'm an expert by now."

I chuckled at that. "Please bear that in mind. In any case, I must confess I don't know the order myself, but your luggage will be in your respective rooms. I hope that will be convenient. Come to me if you have any complaints."

Mai nodded cautiously. "I see. Is there anything else we should do before lunch?"

"You are free to do as you wish… within reason," I remarked, with half an eye for Mikoto. I had not been a first person witness to her terrible destructive power, either as a Hime or as a teenage girl with catlike behaviours. But her reputation preceeded her. "I'm sure you all have pleanty to talk about, and Natsuki can show you anything you wish to see. I should say at this juncture that lunch is by no means compulsory either, though we do appreciate our guests eating with us. But you can ask for food at any time if you speak to a servant."

"We'll be fine eating with you," Mai said firmly. "Right, everyone?" There was a general assent.

I looked at them briefly, considering my next move. But hearing things at second-hand is not the same thing as friendship, and I didn't currently feel up to the task of forging those necessary bonds. Mai is still a striking presence. I still envy the happy outcomes she forged for herself. "I'm afraid I won't be able to join you immediately," I said politely. "I have not been well these past few days, a condition exacebated by yesterday's incident. I will have to rest for a while."

"Are you okay, Shizuru?" Natsuki asked, looking hard at me. "Heck, should you even be up, are you just feeling vain again?"

I smiled. "Thank you for your concern, but I'm just a little tired. I suppose I'm pushing myself a little too hard, as you often say."

"Oh, okay." Natsuki frowned at me. "Should I come back with you?"

I shook my head. "No need. You should stay with your friends. Even if I can't fulfil my duties as a host, I'm counting on you."

"If you say so," Natsuki said slowly. She gave me a suspicious look, then shrugged and nodded.

I turned away awkwardly. "Well, then."

"A second, Shizuru-san." Reito placed his hand on my shoulder. "Could you show me to the rest-room?"

I glared subtly at him, then nodded. "Of course. Please follow me."

And despite my passive hostility, he did exactly that. We were silent for a few moments, then he spoke. "I knew that the Fujino household would be impressive, but not to this degree. It's very impressive, Shizuru."

"Aren't I Fujino-san to you?" I asked cooly. "Or possibly Shizuru-san?"

"Is that so? This hasn't been a day for tact on my part, I'm afraid." Reito gave me one of his innocent smiles. I recognised that expression, having used it many times myself. Art disguised by an artistic lack of guile.

"Well, I don't intend to hold it against you," I remarked, smiling calmly at him. "I suppose you've more than earned it, after all these years. But a formal manner seems to suit us."

"Is it really okay?" Reito asked, ignoring that. "Running away?"

I turned away, keeping my face even. "I'm afraid I don't follow your meaning."

"That you're not at your best is probably true, but it isn't like you to shirk a duty. You will probably worry Natsuki-chan and the others."

"I'm just tired, without artifice," I lied. "And in any case, Natsuki will be busy with Mai and her other friends. She knows me enough not to worry about something like this."

"I will have to take your word for that," Reito replied. "I don't know her very well, after all, while you know her very well indeed."

"Then there isn't a problem. The nearest toilet is here," I remarked, pulling open a door. "That's one amongst many, of course. Is that fine?"

"A moment," Reito replied pleasently. "Could I ask you something?"

I sighed and forced a smile. "Of course. Is there anything?"

"How are things between the two of you?"

"Oh, very good," I replied dryly, trying to keep my patience. I set off for my room, not really caring whether or not he held true to his own subtext. "Natsuki is very kind. She also saved my life."

"Well, that's rather sweet of her," Reito replied, with absolutely no trace of irony. "I was meaning to ask about that as well. It appears that the employees of the employeer who employed my body to decieve you all have been troubling you. I feel rather responsible."

"You had nothing to do with it," I replied shortly. "What is done is done, and I survived."

"Once again, you're a little vague," Reito replied amicably. "I don't know any details, as Natsuki-chan was not forthcoming."

"Someone tried to kill me, Reito," I snapped, momentarily losing all traces of composure. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"That's reasonable, but details are important. One attacker? Two? Three? Armed or unarmed? And how reckless?" Reito folded his arms, smiling slightly at me. "You know implicitly that your life is not just your own any more, to protect or discard. A threat to you is a threat to all of us. For me in particular, I have made as many enemies as you. That's why I need such information."

I controlled myself again, keeping my voice flat. "One woman, from their First Division. She carried a combat knife and one of their pistols. She was kind enough not to bring her assault rifle and did her best to preserve her own life and liberty. That's fine, isn't it? But I doubt anyone but me will be attacked." I kept the bitterness out of my voice, stopping as I reached my room and opening the door. "That is enough information, is it not?"

"It is a decent start," Reito replied, stopping and looking at me thoughtfully. "She was taken by the police?"

"She confessed everything, and described the Carnival in great detail," I replied. "But the police made nothing of that."

"I see. That's a little inconsiderate of her, but nothing should come of it. You know, it's a troublesome world, when these things don't take care of themselves…"

I glared at him for a moment, while maintaining my vague smile. "You may be right. In any case, if that is all…" I stepped through and turned, only to find he already had his foot in the door. Quite, quite literally.

"And how about you, Shizuru-san?" Reito asked. "I imagine you were rather hurt by that circumstance."

"I am always myself," I replied coldly. "You shouldn't waste time worrying about me. But you should probably get back. The others will be worrying, won't they?"

"I'm sure it will be fine," Reito replied ambiguously. "And this is a rare chance to talk to you, after all."

I turned, smiling at him. "In any case, I hope you don't intend to come in," I teased, keeping my voice light. "It's not done for a man to come into a girl's room, after all."

"It's a little cruel that I am a man, and you a girl," Reito replied irrelevantly, flashing his usual smile. "We stand on more even ground than that, Shizuru-san."

"Between us, perhaps, but social mores are social mores," I replied. "I'm afraid I have to behave decorously within the house."

"I'm a perfect gentleman," Reito shot back. "Give or take. Putting that aside, perhaps it's better if I am here, where we can talk clearly? I'm still worried about you, and fret spreads."

"Is that so? You make concern sound like a head-cold." I smiled, knowing when to retreat. "Then come in, and we can talk abut colds until you are quite bored of the subject."

I sat on a cushion, and he sat opposite me. "Thank you for your courtesy," he replied. Still smiling.

"On the contrary, thank you for your concern. It is much appreciated." Words said without thought, a reflex brought from childhood forwards.

"Not at all." Reito looked at me thoughtfully. "You are quite well?"

"I am as well as can be expected," I replied. "I had a hard day, sustaining some injury, and slept badly. And all of that was on top of recovering from an illness that confined me to bed for several days. Apart from that, I am as the sunflowers."

"That makes me sound a little tactless, though I was more worried about your emotional well-being. You have a habit of strange thoughts, Shizuru-san."

"My thoughts are my own, and relatively peaceful they have been recently, too," I replied. "And you?"

"I have been better, and could be worse, physically and mentally," Reito replied ambiguously. "And Natsuki-chan? I have been concerned about her well-being, as well."

"You would have to ask her yourself, though I'm not sure she'd appreciate your concern," I said. "Bearing that in mind, I'm not sure if it's appropriate for me to speak for her."

"I'm sure Natsuki-chan would not mind, to have simple thoughts disclosed or to disclose simple things about you. I'm only showing a healthy concern." Reito chuckled. "After all, she is stubborn and obstinate. I doubt I would receive a straight answer if I asked her myself."

"She has been injured, and tested in many ways," I replied. "Nonetheless, she's strong. Natsuki has always been strong."

"I'm glad to hear that. And if you're saying that, it is probably true. But I'm a little concerned, as well." Reito put his hands on his knees. "You should be careful about regarding her in such a way. Leaning on her is fine, but she's only human. She could also be pushed too far."

"I have no intention of emotionally or mentally burdening Natsuki." I replied. "Indeed, I have acted as best I can to ensure that never happens on my account."

Without much success, was an unnecessary rider. I wish I knew a better way to protect her from me. But, on the other hand, she doesn't need to be protected.

She's always been a reckless person.

"If that's the case, I can be more at ease," Reito replied. "And one more thing, before I stop troubling you for now. What is your relationship with Natsuki-chan?"

Always smile. Play allusion and shadows, always maintaining proprietry. And then use a blunt question free of all pretence. The methods Reito developed to pin me down on student council matters remain.

But I'm not unused to him, either. I didn't so much as blink. After all, there was no hesitation in reply to that question. "We are friends. That is all."

Reito nodded. "Is that your only intention, as well?"

"Of course. Even that is an impetuous aspiration, under the circumstances," I replied, closing my eyes briefly. "But it appears that Natsuki wants things to be this way. I will naturally defer to her will."

"That's a dangerous turn of phrase," Reito remarked in a contained way.

"I'm a dangerous person. Mere words are of little concern," I said dismissively. "And for you, as well, though you use your words in a pointed and efficent way."

"Of course. So I'll cut to the chase." Reito looked at me thoughtfully. "In that case, I will pursue Natsuki-chan."

It took me a moment to understand his implication, and then I struggled to control myself. "Is that so?" I managed.

"Unless you have any reasonable objections, of course," Reito replied. "My intention isn't to be cruel."

"For a start, this isn't a beach hosue or a seedy hotel," I began, giving him my best haughty glare. "The Fujino residance is not an appropriate venue for such a thing. It is indecorous."

"That's too bad. Have you told Mai-chan and Tate-kun yet?" Reito asked innocently. "I can pass on the message."

"That is different, as their relationship is already established," I replied firmly. "A little affection exchanged between them is to be expected, and even then I can count on them to be discreet."

"I can also be very discreet," Reito said reasonably. "If you like, I can even let all romantic overtures remain off-site. I rather pride myself on being able to come up with pretexts."

"That logic, I think, is the height of indecorous behaviour," I replied. "And I don't think I could possibly permit it as a friend, either. What are your reasons?"

"Natsuki-chan is intelligent, articulate, attractive and strong-willed," Reito said aptly. "You of all people know of her qualities. And that kind of girl is my type, as they say."

"Just like Mai-chan?" I asked cynically.

"They are both similar and different, as girls tend to be. But it's been several months since I closed my unsuccessful attempts on Mai's heart." Reito smiled a little bashfully. "Of course, truth be told, I have a selfish reason as well. My self-regard is still ambiguous after that loss, and I am trying to move on. I am sure you could sympathise with that."

"With far more to forget, even I don't intend to use such distasteful and selfish methods," I said forcefully. "I don't think the comparison is very apt, after all. You would do well to leave Natsuki alone."

"Is it really your place to say that, though?" Reito asked pointedly. "You are… what is the phrase… "just a friend"."

"That's not the same thing as saying that I have no opinion, though," I replied curtly. "On the contrary, as a friend, I should always have an opinion on her love life."

"For a normal friend, that would be the case. But you aren't a normal friend." Reito gazed at me coldly, frowning slightly. "Your rejected romantic aspirations change the situation. Your intentions may be sincere, but it's far more difficult now for you to express such an opinion without sounding biased. And even in that case, your circumstances are special."

I flushed slightly, glaring at him and gripping my knees tightly. "Oh? Is that so?" I asked shortly. "You are certainly going out of your way to antagonise me, regardless."

"Forgive me. That isn't my intention. I simply want to clarify this matter, with respect to the powerful attachment to Natsuki-chan that I know you still feel." Reito shrugged. "And all I ask, at heart, is that you allow Natsuki to make her own decisions."

"What is that supposed to mean?" I demanded. "You should understand quite clearly that I haven't done anything else, since then…"

"I can make my play, and she can accept me, or reject me. I am a gentleman, in spite of all reputation, and will accept her will in this matter. Is that acceptable to you?"

I tried to think of a logical, thoughtful way out of the situation. My passion, of which I had pleanty, would avail me little enough. Indeed, it even shamed me a little, because it was for all the wrong reasons. Not _because it's Reito, _even though I could construct that case. Rather, this was _because it isn't me_. I should have cut those exessive feelings away long ago.

And for the sake of that, perhaps, I have to accept this, and hope. "I will be watching the situation very carefully, Reito," I said eventually, glaring at him. "If at any moment I consider you to have overstepped the bounds for proprietry or courtesy, I will interceed. Please bear in mind that you are a guest of the Fujino."

"I understand that without you articulating it. And I thank you for this blessing. I appreciate it cannot have been easy for you to say such a thing," Reito remarked, nodding courteously.

_Fuck _match thanks with thanks. "It was no blessing. If that is all, I would very much like to be alone."

"And one more point. It would be best if we concluded the entirity of this unpleasent business now, no?" I didn't reply, and Reito simply nodded again. "Are you emphatically ruling yourself out?"

"Of course," I replied, in a voice that would etch steel. "How many times shall I say it before you are satisfied, Reito-san?"

"That's fine. But I'm a little disappointed. You would make for an interesting rival."

"We are not here for your entertainment. Please be clear on that."

"That wasn't my intention, either. But, rather, I dislike people ruling themselves out of any circumstance." Reito snorted briefly. "Perhaps I am simply a hopeless optimist."

"Do you still entertain hopes for Mai-chan?" I asked acidly.

"Nothing it is seemly or honourable to articulate, but I remain open-minded, and receptive to any changing circumstances. I am, after all, a pragmatist." Reito looked at me in a measured way. "Rather I could say that without aspirations, I am not ruling myself out should things change. That would be unnecessary as a point of principle, and I'm sure the same logic should apply to you."

"As you have admitted yourself, our circumstances are very different," I said, gritting my teeth. "Please do not compare them."

"Even in your case, I wouldn't consider mere thoughts a sin. That's overreacting. And if circumstances did change, and Natsuki expressed interest in you? What would you do?"

"The sun might not rise tommorow, Reito-san," I said pointedly. "But I do not have congeniency plans for that eventuality. In the same way, I won't trouble myself to think about something so naïve."

"Perhaps I am the naïve one, after all. But you might be the same. It's unseemly to say die while your object of affection is unattached."

"She explicitly rejected me. That's all that needs to be said, even without everything that prceeded that point." I closed my eyes, sighing. "Please don't prolong this, it's very distasteful."

"Feelings change, or so I believe. I am an optimist, after all."

"I hope you aren't projecting, Reito," I remarked. "How much of this optimism is truly for me? Aren't you thinking of a certain redhead when you say all these naïve things?"

"You know, that might be true," Reito admitted, sighing slightly. "I'm not insincere enough to pretend that might not be case…"

"And you intend to pursue Natsuki with that feeble and weak resolve?" I demanded, glaring at him. "You make me sick."

"Love isn't just something that is, but something you make for yourself, by getting to know someone. In that respect, this feeble and weak feeling I hold might be the seed for an especial flower. If you will allow me to lapse into metaphor." Reito watched me again. "But for you, of course, your affection for her has already bloomed over the long years. Regardless of any other circumstance, I respect that."

"Your respect is worth little enough," I replied, looking away. "If you're too weak, I am too much the reverse. A sad obsession… you don't need to dress up that with pretty words, I understand your thoughts well enough."

"Now you are projecting onto me," Reito said cooly. "In spite of all circumstances, the respect I bear you is too great for that."

I sighed again, heavily. Even for me, this is too much of a trial. "Reito, please leave. You have played enough games for one day."

"I'm trying to help you," Reito replied. "And I think that you can help me, though our words are unkind."

"I haven't asked for help."

"Then let me ask you, though you have little enough reason to love me. As our circumstances are similar, and so are our mindsets… please lend me your power." Reito stood. "But you have no obligation, either. Shouldn't you come back, though? They will worry."

"No one will miss me, so you don't need to worry," I replied without turning my head.

"Avoiding people kind people like them to protect yourself is a little cowardly, don't you think?" Reito asked quietly.

I laughed for a few seconds, then choked back my mirth. "Oh? Is that so? You know, Reito, that has truth to it. But for your part as well, are you really here to help me or receive help? Aren't you avoiding them in the same way as I am, by coming here with me?"

"I am simply showing an appropriate concern for you," Reito replied.

But that tone didn't have its usual certainty. I smiled. "In truth, you bear little enough affection for me. But I'm sure it's very awkward for you, to be in the same room as those two. I don't blame you for that, Reito. But hypocricy isn't sightly."

Reito didn't say anything for a moment, walking towards the door. He stopped once he was there and looked back over his shoulder. "Is there anything I should tell the others? Or Natsuki-chan?"

"If anything is appropriate, I'm sure you can make it up." I turned my head, regarding him coldly. "But bear this in mind, Reito. I'm not obliged to you, and I'm not enamoured of morality. If you do anything to hurt Natsuki…" I let the words hang. "Well, use your imagination."

Reito smiled. "Those words suit you more than petulance, Shizuru-san. And if I said to you that I intend to do nothing at all? Would that relieve you?"

"I wouldn't be reassured, knowing it was your word," I replied, frowning slightly. My mind, working rationally for the first time a while, threshed out implications and wondered belatedly whether I had just been turned into a total fool.

"I won't make any promises, even then. I don't wish to follow my employer's employees to hell, but I also enjoy life itself." Reito gave me a cryptic smile. "In any case, Natsuki-chan will be waiting."

"She will be doing no such thing. You're a surprisingly delusional person, Reito-san. I never thought you would be so… mislead by romantic and naïve thoughts."

"Perhaps a wager, then?" Reito suggested, almost offhand.

"A wager?" I asked, glancing at him.

"Whether she has been missing you and worrying after you, even now. I'm a good judge of circumstance, and she has gone a long way for you. Not simply to stop now."

"I know her better than you, and she trusts others better than me. I won't take your evidence, either."

"I will ask Mai, and she can tell you," Reito suggested. "And for the stakes… if I lose, I will make that promise, after all."

Is this really okay? To be betting on Natsuki's feelings?

"And if you win?" I asked. I just wanted Reito off my back. We have a strong friendship, Natsuki and I, thanks to her forgiveness. But, if he raises things like this, I can't just keep smiling.

"Then you can reaffirm your own promise. Of course, it's more principle than anything else. I won't hold you to anything, myself."

"You gain very little," I remarked icily.

"Perhaps," Reito agreed easily. "But that's fair. I have a good feeling that I'm betting on a certainty."

What does he understand? Speaking so confidently, though he's just arrived. It's immature.

But he left before I could frame a proper retort. And that was even more immature of him.


	39. Chapter 39

**Windows of the Soul: Part Thirty-Nine**

This chapter was tough, because a whole bunch of series characters have returned with a vengeance. Hopefully I can get a handle on them in the end, but Shiho and Tate just aren't being _reasonable _about being left out for the best part of 200,000 words.

* * *

"Honestly, though," I said rhetorically. "She's being troubling again."

"Really?" Mai asked, hugging her knees and looking at me thoughtfully.

"You know, whenever they're thinking complicated things or being offended or whatever, they start using that really long-winded phrasing," I replied airily, sitting on one of the cushions. "The whole family does it, so it must be genetic or something. Of course, they're always like that whenever they're meeting someone for the first time, and whenever you try to thank them for anything… but what I mean is, just then, Shizuru was probably thinking in a weird way again. It's a pain."

"Did we do something to upset her?" Mai asked worriedly.

"Not at all, damnit. She's just being an idiot again," I replied, waving a hand idly. "I'll take care of it later, I guess. But honestly, she really is high maintenance."

"Do you think so?" Tate asked politely. "She's never struck me in that way."

"I know so," I retorted, asserting my authority as the resident Shizuru expert. "I mean, sure, she's independent. But she's always over-thinking things."

"Well, if we have done something, I'd rather she told us," Mai murmured. "Then we could apologise for it."

"Right? Normal people think like that." I sighed, closing my eyes briefly. "But she always does this. It's a pain for me; I'm not good at this stuff. You know, that's why she ran away here in the first place. So I had to follow her, and you had to follow me. Go figure."

"Well, she's always been very aloof," Mai noted. "It's a little hard to believe, even now, that I'm here. We were hardly close, and she has a certain aura. Like she was unapproachable. Do you remember all the rumours?"

"Of course," I replied. "She's smart and beautiful and polite and athletic and rich, an unapproachable princess. That kind of thing?"

Mai nodded. "Even I picked that up, so even I was surprised that you two should be such close friends."

"Hey, is that an insult?" I asked sharply. "You know, I'm not a bad person myself. Three out of five is fine, right?"

Mai chuckled. "That's not what I meant. But I guess what I'm saying is that Fujino-san's always been a little mysterious to me. I'm glad you know her so well."

"I've worked with her for a long time, but I must say that I don't really know her either." Tate shrugged. "But I suppose the point is that even Fujino-san needs some friends."

"That's kinda the point. What I'm trying to say is that Shizuru is just a girl. She's not even older than me." I rubbed my forehead. "And god knows you guys don't show me much courtesy. So just don't go calling her Fujino-sama or anything, okay? It's bad for her ego, which is too big anyway."

Mai chuckled. "I'll bear that in mind."

"Though she's been staying up too late, and she's been ill, and someone did try to kill her," I said thoughtfully. "I guess if she's resting, that's not a bad thing, whatever her reason. I'll just go later and make sure she isn't swimming in the pond again."

Mai blinked. "The pond?"

"Oh, nothing. Nothing much," I said hurriedly. "I'm just playing around. Anyway, what do you make of this house?"

"It's… big. That's the best way to put it," Mai replied, after a moment's pause. "I mean, I always knew that Kaichou… Fujino-san was like that. But this place is something else. I mean, you know these people exist, but you never expect to meet one in person."

"Right? I told you it was amazing," I replied. "Though Shizuru refers to it as an expensive vanity. I mean, if you think about it, you could probably rebuild a village in Africa with garden swimming pools for the upkeep, instead of this."

"Well, perhaps," Mai said neutrally.

"Of course, if I was filthy rich, I'd flaunt it too," I replied, leaning back and smiling. "I guess I won't hold it against anyone."

"That sounds like a healthy attitude," Mai remarked. "And what would you do, then? If you were as rich as Fujino-san?"

"I'd buy the best bike ever," I replied. "And… get back to me on that. But it'd involve never working again." I frowned thoughtfully. "But, you know, that's the funny thing. That bastard Shinri… her father… is always doing something, apparently working as a big shot in a big company. And Viola is supposed to manage stocks or whatever alchemy it is that turns money into more money whenever she's not doing more important things like playing with Shizuru's hair or whatever. You'd think they'd take it easy."

"If we're going to be philosophical about it, perhaps they have this much money because they're the kind of people who would work even when they have a lot of money," Mai suggested with a smile.

I considered that for a moment. "I don't know, that seems altogether too neat. My personal theory is money has gravity. It always seems to clump around rich people."

"Hmm. I think you're also on dubious grounds there," Mai replied lightly.

"Well, it doesn't really matter how it came about," Tate remarked casually, grinning. "We can just accept it as fact, but rich friends are nice, right?"

"Humph. That's fine by me, but if Shinri catches you talking like that he'd… let's see." I frowned. "You know, I don't actually know what he'd do to you. But I'm willing to say it wouldn't be pleasant."

"I wasn't serious. And besides, it's more interesting in a cultural sense. Fujino-san's always been different."

Mikoto had taken to rolling around the floor out of obvious boredom, but for some reason she stopped at this, throwing her head back and looking thoughtfully up at us. "Is she?" she asked abruptly.

"What he means is that Fujino-san comes from a different background from most of us," Mai said patiently. "She's born to privilege, and acts in an usual way because of that. So, she is a little different, right? In the same way Mikoto is a little different from… Nao, say."

"I see," Mikoto murmured. "But, isn't that a normal difference? Natsuki is different from Mai. It would be different if she wasn't different from someone else, right?"

"Well, in Fujino-san's case, I guess you'd say that she's a little more different than is normal," Mai suggested.

Mikoto rolled over again, nodding slowly. "So that means Kaichou is more interesting than Natsuki or Mai?"

"Huh?" I asked, scowling. "Hey, you know, Mikoto, you shouldn't join in this idiot's money-worship. It's fine being interested in her, but that's just silly."

"But, but, if it's more interesting because she's different and she'd different because she's rich, isn't that the same thing?" Mikoto frowned at me. "Or is it because he's an idiot?"

"Tate's an idiot," I said firmly, before Mai could say anything.

Tate sighed, rubbing his forehead playfully. "Yes, yes. In the interests of peace, I'll leave it at that."

Mikoto kicked her leg up towards the ceiling, officially signalling that she'd exceeded her painstaking trained patience after five minutes and needed 56CC of attention, ASAP. "Where's ani? He must be ill."

"Actually, that's a good point," I snapped abruptly, looking around. No Reito resolved himself from the surroundings. "What the hell is that guy doing, anyway?"

"I don't think it's very seemly to speculate," Mai said uneasily.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," I said, looking away. "Just as long as he's not saying strange things to Shizuru again. That's all I ask."

"If it's those two, it should be fine, even if that's the case," Tate remarked easily. "As I understand it, Kanzaki-senpai knows her well, and has done so for quite some time. They get on pretty well." He stopped for a moment, blinking. "Or is that Minagi-senpai? I don't know what to call him any more."

"A bother," I suggested uncharitably, folding my arms. "In any case, I'm sure that he told you that he knew her very well. That would be fashionable, I'm sure, but I'm dubious myself."

"Well, they're a little alike, don't you think?" Mai pointed out. "I don't think it would be too much of a stretch to imagine them as friends."

"A little, and only a little," I said firmly. "They only share a few common characteristics, that's all."

"Does that make them less interesting, then?" Mikoto asked. "But I don't think that ani isn't interesting."

"Can we just forget about that already?" I asked irritably.

"That might be an idea. But aren't you being a little oversensitive?" Mai asked, looking at me thoughtfully. "Give him some time. I'm sure you're just worrying too much."

"After everything, I'm not convinced there's such a thing as worrying too much," I retorted. "But whatever. I'll just interrogate him when he gets back. It's all good."

"Scary," Tate said lightly.

"Well, I'm kinda annoyed." I put my hands behind my head, sighing pointedly. "She tries to cut me off, runs here, falls ill, forces herself to get up, gets shot at by some crazy woman and disappears with Reito this morning. Shizuru makes a habit of worrying me, which is worrying."

Mai laughed. "I see. But you know, it's a little out of character for you, don't you think?"

"What?" I asked, glaring at her.

"Oh, nothing. It's just, when you consider Natsuki the cool beauty and natural loner, there's an expectation that you don't care about anyone but yourself. Of course, I know that's not true." Mai smiled. "But, you know, it's almost cute of you."

"Hardly. It's not like it's a unique characteristic of mine, or anything," I replied, folding my arms. "You know, pretty much everyone does it here. Her parents and the servants and all. Shizuru has a habit of worrying people, and if you stick around, you'll be infected, too." I shrugged. "And the worst thing is that it isn't a ploy. Shizuru just has that kind of bad luck."

"It must be very tough for both of you," Mai said sympathetically. "But you know, I'm still amazed you can be so energetic after what happened to you yesterday. I'm glad, I guess."

"Well, it's not like I enjoy thinking about it or anything," I replied, frowning at her. "It was really tough. But I didn't really think about it until after the fact, and now I'm trying not to do so. There's no point in moping."

"That's a good attitude," Mai said. "And Fujino-san? Is it harder for her?"

"Probably," I said, a little more heavily. "With Shizuru… well, I guess you'd say she feels responsible. The criminal doesn't help either."

"Why does she feel responsible?" Mikoto asked curiously, with that awkwardly innocent expression on her face.

"Because she used to be a Hime," Mai suggested, looking down at her. "But you shouldn't ask about that, Mikoto. If someone feels guilty, it's best not to talk about that thing."

"But we are all Hime," Mikoto pointed out. "Except the boys. Does that mean I should be guilty as well?"

"Not necessarily. Guilt is a personal thing, so different people will feel differently about the same circumstances. Do you understand?"

Mikoto looked at Mai for a long moment. "I understand."

"Good," Mai said, smiling. "Now you should wait for lunch like a good girl."

"So, if someone's being guilty when it's silly, can't I tell them it's silly?" Mikoto asked. "That sounds sensible to me."

"That depends on the circumstances," Mai replied evasively.

"But if Kaichou is guilty because she's a Hime, that's silly," Mikoto pointed out. "She didn't choose to be a Hime, right? Well, she did, but she didn't. So she shouldn't worry about that."

"You know, I agree," I replied tiredly. "But with Shizuru, that's neither here nor there."

"Are you bored, Mikoto?" Mai asked directly, looking down at her pseudo-ward.

"Maybe," Mikoto said evasively. She kicked upwards again, doing something almost indecent with her skirt. It's not like she has a sense of shame, after all.

"Well, it'll probably be a while until lunch," Mai said. "Why don't you go and play in the garden with Shiho-chan?"

"That would be good," Mikoto said, rolling to her feet smoothly. "Can I?"

"I don't want to." Shiho said that bluntly from her place in the corner, then continued with her impersonation of a statue.

"Oh… is that so…" Mai said awkwardly.

Mikoto turned on Shiho, padding forwards on all fours. "Why, why, why? Isn't that boring?"

"I'm not a kid," Shiho said irritably. "I don't want to play tag with you."

"But they're being boring and pointless," Mikoto pointed out, waving a hand vaguely at us. I managed to hold my tongue somehow. "Isn't tag more fun?"

Shiho sniffed slightly, turning her head away. Mikoto adjusted her legs, hugging her knees and looking closely at the girl, who looked increasingly awkward without replying. After an interval of at least five seconds, Mikoto reached out and purposefully poked Shiho on the forehead. "What?" Shiho demanded, glaring at her.

"You're it," Mikoto said solemnly.

"But yeah," I said hurriedly, trying to deflect Mai's attention from the scene. "She's been taking it pretty hard. I had a talk to her last night, and I think I was able to help some… but there really isn't a way to speed through these things, right? I just have to bear with it."

"That's probably true," Mai agreed. "That must be rather frustrating."

"Yeah, it doesn't suit me at all," I said. "If shaking her violently would help, I'd be your girl. But as things are, there's really only so much I can do. It's almost distressing, in its own way. I'm sure I should be able to do more…"

"I'm sure Fujino-san would appreciate that feeling alone," Mai said, smiling at me. "It's good of you to think that way. But when you think about it, you've been in the same situation, right? Going through emotional problems?"

"Mine were a little different, though," I said cautiously.

"For the last time, I don't want to play tag!" Shiho said loudly.

"Okay." Mikoto pouted. "How about hide and seek?"

"Well, even though you came here with the intention of helping her, and I came here with the intention of helping both of you, there's probably a limit to how much either of us can do," Mai suggested. "Except be patient. And if she wants to talk about it, she knows she can. How about last night, did she talk about herself?"

"Well, a little," I said. "It was kinda me talking about her. But not in an aggressive way or anything. She did seem a little happier."

"If that's the case, I'm sure she feels a lot better." Mai nodded encouragingly at me. "You should be a little more confidant. You're the person who knows Fujino-san best, right?"

"Well, yeah," I admitted. "But even so, I'm really not good at this stuff…"

"It's not really something you can be good or bad it, you know," Mai said. "It's probably fine. But if you're worrying, you can ask her yourself."

"That's easier said than anything else," I replied uneasily, frowning at her.

"You should give it a try, though," Mai suggested. "Isn't it more constructive than just worrying about it?"

"It's not like I'm just worrying about anything," I said defensively. "I'm not like Shizuru or anything. I've been doing a lot of things."

"Such as?" Mai asked playfully.

"That's a secret," I retorted. "But, more importantly, that bastard still isn't back, is he?"

"You should be a bit more trusting," Mai said. "Perhaps Reito-san and Fujino-san simply want to talk about something."

"Yeah, maybe," I replied cynically. "It pisses me off, though. He'd better not be hitting on her or anything."

"I doubt that, somewhat," Tate suggested. "Aren't you worrying a little too much?"

"Naïve," I said forcefully. "Naturally, a man wouldn't understand."

"Well, I'm a girl, and I don't get it either. Reito-san isn't a bad guy," Mai began, smiling when I gave her a cynical look. "More importantly, Fujino-san is Fujino-san. She's strong enough to look after herself, whatever happens."

"Is that so, I wonder?" I demanded rhetorically, looking away. "I'm sure I'm being oversensitive, and that I should absolutely trust a guy who just mislead us when I don't know what's going on at all…"

"There isn't a problem," Mikoto insisted forcefully. "Ani is a good person."

"I know that," I replied cautiously. Mikoto was a little dangerous, after all. "It's not that I think he'll be bad. But… what was it he said himself? Good intentions that go badly, or something like that. If he's trying to be dramatic or help Shizuru somehow, but ends up hurting her, that'd be bad."

"You know, that was almost a rational concern," Mai murmured.

"That, and he might hit on her after all," I retorted. "And you can't tell me that isn't rational."

"Ani said it is irresponsible to sleep with a daughter in the house of a mother," Mikoto remarked. "So he probably won't."

I winced. Just what kind of conversations have those two been having, anyway?

"Anyway, let's just let it be," Mai said firmly. "You're just worrying too much, Natsuki."

"Tch. Even if you say that, we'll see who's being sensible," I replied.

"We could go," Mikoto suggested, turning and looking at me. "I want to find Ani, and Natsuki wants to see Kaichou. So we can go, right?"

"It's not like I'm planning to chase after her," I replied, frowning. "That's probably just what she wants anyway."

"It's fine, isn't it?" Mai said easily. "Perhaps it is what she wants, but why does that make it the wrong thing to do?"

"I don't intend to reinforce her spoiled only-child complex," I replied, scowling. "That's another reason why I'm going to have a long talk with her later, as well."

"You're pretty aggressive about these things, aren't you? Poor Fujino-san…" Mai said playfully.

"Hey, feel sorry for the girl who has to cope with her first. It isn't easy, you know."

"Now, you see, that's why I feel sorry for senpai," Tate remarked conversationally. "Even for him, Fujino-san isn't easy to deal with, you know. If she's in a bad mood, it'll be him we'll have to comfort."

I sniffed. "Forget that. He'd just have brought that on himself anyway."

"And you haven't?" Mai asked, smiling slightly.

"Honestly, why does everything come back to me and Shizuru?" I demanded irritably. "I'm not the only people here. How about you guys? I take it you've done something while I was dealing with Shinri, Viola, Shizuru, and people trying to kill me."

"We're just flattering your egoism," Mai replied easily. "As for us… there isn't much to say. We don't all lead such exciting and dangerous lives, you know."

"Oh, come on," I protested. "You must have done something."

"You know, it's been _months _since someone last tried to kill me," Mai said conversationally. "Compared to that, nothing feels very interesting. Let's see. Well, we were pretty much doing the usual things."

"What a boring answer," I sighed, closing my eyes.

"Well, boring is good," Mai replied. "And I'm glad to say that my life has been wonderfully boring for the last few days, prior to you phoning up and telling me various interesting things…"

"And you're back to me again!" I snapped. "How do you do it?"

Tate sighed, smiling wanly. "You know, this whole conversation is somewhat humiliating. It's as you say, senpai, girls can crush a man like nothing else on earth."

"There's nothing wrong with being reliable," Mai said. "We girls like that, you know. Don't we, Natsuki?"

I considered this for a moment. "Huh… you can take it or leave it."

"Well, normal girls like me like reliable guys," Mai said. "Natsuki is just a maniac, so it's all good."

"I'm sure. Reliable sure feels like a synonym for boring, though, after all." Tate folded his arms. "I can be unreliable and exciting as well, damnit."

"Of course," Mai said placidly. "I know that."

"So sound like you mean it!" Tate said, trying not to smile. "What was with that half-arsed delivery?"

"I object to that! I'm not an actress. Besides, if you're fishing for compliments, this is the kind of reply you'll get."

"It's only natural, you know," Tate said, drawing himself up. "You don't have to talk about spending time with me as if it's the most predictable and dull pastime in the world."

"Aren't you being a little oversensitive?" Mai asked, smirking at him.

"Enough, already, you two," I began. "It's giving me a headache."

"Now if I didn't get oversensitive about the accusation that I bore my girlfriend, I really would be a dull and hopeless man…"

"Denial's a bad thing, you know," Mai said playfully. "But you know I'll always accept you for who you are."

I fell back theatrically, resting my head on the floor and looking up at the ceiling. "I wonder whether they have ice-cream in the house…"

"Now you're just teasing me again," Tate complained. "You know-"

He stopped abruptly as someone started to walk across the room. I looked down the length of my body, spotting Shiho aiming calmly for the door. Her face was surprisingly blank. "Let's go, Mikoto."

"Where are you going, Shiho-chan?" Mai asked, all false brightness.

"To play tag," Shiho replied sourly. She stopped by the door. "Mikoto, hurry up."

Mikoto spun and padded after her on all fours. "Okay, okay. You're it, remember, and I am running away."

"Have fun," I remarked ironically.

Mikoto came up to a human position by the door, smiling and waving. "We'll be back for food! And find ice-cream, Natsuki!"

"You can count on me," I said, looking down my own hair spilling across the floor. Shiho closed the door with a decisive click.

"Err, Natsuki…" Mai began timidly.

"What's up?" I asked flippantly. "Is she on a diet now?"

"The way you're sitting is a little…" Mai trailed off.

I shifted my head again, and remembered that I was wearing a skirt. I snorted, pushing myself up violently and folding my legs under me. My hair fell over my eyes, and I pushed it out of the way. This is why I hate skirts. I'm sure it's fine for Shizuru, but I prefer comfort to dignity.

An awkward silence settled on the room, which I decided to break again. "Well, carry on with whatever you were doing," I said seriously. "Or should I clear off and play tag as well? That's fine by me, I can make Shizuru it and kick Reito while I'm there."

"I'm sorry about this," Mai said earnestly. "Things are still a little… you know…"

"Awkward," I suggested bluntly. "Well, whatever. It can't be helped. But couldn't you pack her off to a relative or something? It's a pain in the ass."

"It's not her fault," Tate said. "That wouldn't be fair on her."

Mai said nothing, while I just looked up at the ceiling and wished I could lie down again. I don't like all this serious stuff, and I'm no good at it, so I prefer to pretend I don't care. "Well, is this fair or fun?" I asked. "Don't answer that. I really don't want to know."

"I'm glad she's getting on a little better with Mikoto, anyway," Mai said, smiling uneasily. "It's good to have friends at times like this."

"I hope you're not keeping her caught in the middle," I said playfully. "You know, parents who stick their child in the crossfire during a divorce are trash."

"I'm pretty sure I don't remember giving birth," Mai replied, smiling awkwardly.

"Well, a lot of things have been happening. I won't hold it against you." I glanced at them and shrugged. "But I'll talk to Shizuru later. She can't sort out her own messed up life for shit without me shouting at her, but she sure can advise cheerfully in other people's affairs."

"Thank you for your kindness," Mai replied, just a little ironically. "But this isn't exactly easy. Reito-san's been taking an interest, as Mikoto's involved, but…"

"What does Reito know about anything?" I asked, stretching lazily. "He needed a whole bunch of people, a dwarf and magic to trick twelve teenage girls. And he failed at it. Isn't that just stupid?"

The door slid open and Reito stuck his head in. "Have I missed anything?"

I snorted, turning to look at him. I didn't know or particularly care whether he'd heard, after all. "Hey, Reito," I said bluntly. "If you've done anything to piss Shizuru off during your long absence I'll knife you and dump your corpse in the pond. Okay?"

"I'll bear that in mind," Reito replied, smiling and looking down at me. He raised his hands. "I'll also beg for mercy. But we just had a little talk, that's all."

"About what?" I asked, tapping one finger against my ankle.

"About you, mostly." Reito gave me his innocent look. "She was a little worried about various things."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" I snorted. "Forget that, but you didn't hit on her, right?"

"Why does everyone always say that?" Reito asked, looking hurt. "Am I really that badly regarded?"

"Yeah, pretty much," I replied deftly, before Mai could say anything.

"Well, that's what I get for asking a leading question," Reito said, smiling wryly. "In any case, I didn't do anything like that. After all these years, Shizuru-san is something like a sister to me. You don't need to consider me a rival, Natsuki-chan."

I flushed, scowling deeply and folding my arms. "And this is why you have a bad reputation. I'm sure you'd enjoy that."

"Moving on, where is Mikoto?" Reito asked. "She doesn't seem to be here, after all."

"She went off to play tag with Shiho-chan," Mai said, smiling awkwardly. "Like they normally do."

"Is that so?" Reito asked thoughtfully, glancing at Mai. "I'll go after them. It wouldn't be good if Mikoto was too rough with the Fujino garden. It's very well-designed, you know."

"We're counting on you, senpai," Tate said, nodding seriously at him.

"Ah. Leave it to me," Reito replied. "But one more thing, out of curiosity. What were you talking about before I got here?"

I flushed slightly, while Mai spoke quickly. "Oh, nothing much," she replied. "I was playing around with Tate… because Natsuki was arguing with me over whether I'd done anything interesting to talk about. Or something."

"I see. And have you done anything?" Reito asked pleasantly. "I hope all that time I spent looking after Mikoto wasn't wasted."

"Right, senpai?" Tate said. "I mean, no one tried to kill us. But that doesn't make it boring."

Mai sighed. "You guys are way too sensitive, after all…"

"More importantly, they kept going on about me and Shizuru, as if it was the only interesting thing," I complained, scowling up at him. "It's pretty annoying. You'd better not have done anything like that, either. Even if you're just talking, that doesn't make it okay."

Reito sighed, touching his forehead. "Yes, thank you, Kuga-san. That will do me nicely, so I'll go and make sure those girls are okay…"

"Don't hit on Shiho," I said, mostly because it would annoy him.

"Yes, yes." Reito turned and left, waving a hand idly. "I'll see you all at lunch."

"He comes, he goes again," I quipped after the door closed. "And then there were three. Again."

"It's a little lonely," Mai said wanly. She glanced at me. "What do you want to do? Go and see Fujino-san?"

"I wonder," I replied awkwardly, holding my ankle again. I was thinking about it.

"You can go on ahead without worrying about us," Mai said, smiling. "We're fine with waiting here. And it's you she wants to see, right?"

"What she wants isn't always what she should get, though," I replied. "Besides, it'll be lunch soon. I pity the people sent to chase down us all."

"Well, if you say so," Mai replied.

I sighed slightly, pushing my hair out of my face again. "But really, she's sure making a fool of me. Somehow I'm always the one chasing her, even after the Carnival." I closed my eyes. "Or is this revenge for before then?"

"Is that so?" Mai asked, sounding a little puzzled.

I stood, brushing myself off. "Let's go, you two."

"We're going somewhere?" Mai asked.

"To see Shizuru, right?" I replied, looking down at her. "I don't trust Reito at all. And I certainly don't trust her, when it comes to herself. So, we should go. Unless you'd rather go after the other two."

"No, it's fine," Mai said, scrambling up. "Reito-san is pretty reliable, after all."

I nodded. "And you?" I asked brusquely, looking at Tate.

"I'm fine with that, as well. I'm not sure whether Fujino-san will be pleased to see me, though." He shrugged. "But that goes even more for Shiho, so…"

He didn't finish that sentence, so I just nodded and turned away. "Right. I'm going to make her like one of you, even if it's at gunpoint. She should notice that she can afford to be friends with more people than just me."

"Okay. That sounds fun to me. She is our host, after all." Mai smiled at me. "Lead the way."

And so I did.

Perhaps she really is tired or ill. Or perhaps she's just sulking because she has this strange allergy to being close to people. It's not like she doesn't know so many people. But she has very few friends. Reito, barely. And me… whatever I am to her. That's another question unto itself. Either way, it wouldn't kill her to make some more friends. If I had to force her to do everything, this was also natural to me. And, secretly, I think I would enjoy seeing Mai and Shizuru talk like friends. Or perhaps they should just approve of each other, at least. I don't know.

So I was a little put out when she wasn't in her room.


	40. Chapter 40

**Windows of the Soul: Part Forty**

On Shizuru and Natsuki's respective social status. For Shizuru, there's no indication she's not rich, and her motifs and character type both match it. I also think it serves as a decent explanation for her abnormal personality. So she's rich in the story.

For Natsuki, I think she works better poor. I've never let mere facts interfere with story-telling...

* * *

The grass was soft under my feet, and the day bright. It made me feel vaguely out of place. "You know, you have a lot of cheek," I said coolly. "After everything you said earlier, anyway."

"This doesn't have anything to do with that," Reito replied evenly. "Though I should also say that this probably isn't even a problem. Consider this a chance to become better acquainted with my sister, and no more."

"I'll bear that in mind," I replied idly, looking around. "In any case, follow after me. This garden isn't easy to navigate, especially if you aren't following convention. I'm taking it as read that Mikoto-chan has no regard for convention."

"Most likely," Reito said. "I suspect they'll just be playing around somewhere. But it is close to lunch, is it not?"

"That's true. But I'm actually somewhat enamoured of the idea of half of us being missing today. I'm not sure Okasama could handle Mikoto-chan at the dinner table without a few days preparation, if half of Natsuki's reminiscences are accurate."

"She's not impolite," Reito said defensively. "She's very good with cutlery."

"I'm sure," I said, sighing briefly. "And the situation? How have they been, these two?"

"Mikoto is still Mikoto," Reito said easily. "Though of course, she's a little upset that she has to be away from Mai-chan for extended periods now. That's why I'm doing my best to look after her. Now, Shiho-chan… that's another matter."

"There's something ironic about this situation," I remarked, sighing again and looking around the garden. "It feels like all four us have something in common. I can't think of what, offhand, but I'm sure it's rather important…"

"Sarcasm makes your skin wrinkle," Reito said. "Though you've hitherto avoided it, for the most part."

"I will take my chances, in this situation." I folded my arms.

"As you say." Reito glanced at me. "It's a bit late to say this, but you look good in that."

"Of course," I replied absently.

"Your bad mood is very scary. By the way, do you remember our bet?"

"What about it?" I asked, looking around and frowning. "Are you focusing on this at all? Or did you just want another chance to be unpleasant?"

"In a way, I'm trying to apologise. I went too far, before." Reito stopped, shading his eyes. "Though I'm also worried about those two. Or, in a way, I want a miracle. It would be fair to say that very fragile bonds connect all of us…"

I stood besides him. "So you're expecting me to do something about that? You know, Reito, I'm the least qualified person in the world to do anything."

"On the contrary, I'd say that you were the most qualified person here." Reito glanced at me and smiled. "You know, when we met at the beginning of the holidays you told me something. The bond that tied Mikoto to me, and made her fight with such a ruthless passion, was no weaker than your own ties to Natsuki-chan. I do remember those words."

"That was intended to make you take your duty seriously, not pass it to me," I said dryly. "Besides, it wasn't ever a comparison between her and me. We are altogether different, and that's something even I know from what little I know of her."

"I wonder," Reito replied ambiguously. "And it isn't just Mikoto we're dealing with. You're almost the senpai of loving killers, and the Carnival found enough of them out."

"Your bad taste really knows no limits," I remarked, with more coldness than anger.

"I am the person who became one with a demonic god, and arranged you all around me. I certainly saw you all clearly in that time." Reito regarded me with a detached expression, still smiling innocently. "My own guilt can be taken as read, but to me, not your own. And I won't pretend all ambiguity. You were exactly that, whether or not you were to blame."

"And what of it?" I demanded. "I'm still tired."

"I'm not sure. You know, right now I'm making up everything as I go. Our conversation, the bet, and this…" Reito shrugged, looking almost bashful. "Call it a bad habit."

"I hope you appreciate who I am," I said coldly. "Even now, I'm still not someone you can practise your ploys upon. It's bad manners to even infer that would be possible."

"I'm asking for your permission. You may recall that, every step of the way." Reito rubbed the back of his head, looking sheepishly at me. "But, you know, I can't say I like it. For all of you, the way things are now isn't a great outcome."

"And what does that have to do with me?"

"As much or as little as you like," Reito said easily. "As for me, I'm just going to do my own thing. I'll see what I can do."

"If you mess with Natsuki or I, I'll make you regret it. As for the rest… do as you please, with moderation." I sighed again, glancing at him with tired eyes. "My hands are full selfishly worrying about myself."

"As you say, that probably is best for you right now, after all. If you need anything, feel free to ask… but I doubt you will." Reito started walking again, heading towards the trees. "And on that bet."

"What of it?"

"You know, I don't like it. If you give up so easily after making such an obvious error, there's no sincerity in it." Reito glanced at me. "So, if I'm right, you should renounce the fact that you've renounced everything."

"I thought you wanted resolution, not chaos?" I asked curtly, walking on ahead. "Or do you just want to see more untidy arguments, after all?"

"What I want has always been ambiguous, but probably approximates to happy endings," Reito replied. "Am I naïve?"

"In the extreme."

"Of course, I wouldn't mind a happy ending myself… but I'm not sure if that's possible. And I have my own needs, as well." Reito turned his head, regarding me. "Let's just say that if you made that promise, it would fulfil my own selfish desires as well. Or, rather, part of them."

"You've been thinking too much. And when I'm the one who is saying that, you know something is wrong with the world." I stopped for a moment, grimacing and touching my legs lightly. They were hurting, I was tired, and Reito was annoying me. This was not turning out well, as days go.

"Perhaps," Reito replied, stepping ahead of me. He walked confidently through the small grove of trees. "In any case, it would be better if you wait and see. Things didn't go so well, the last time you took everything upon yourself."

"Does you derive a pleasure for saying such things? It's a rather sadistic streak."

"I'm just blunt, because I know that you can deal with that." Reito glanced at me again, his expression serious for once. "After all, you aren't a weak person."

"I'd disagree, but that would prolong an unpleasant conversation." I folded my arms, glaring at him.

"There are those weaker than even you, then. Make of their existence what you will." Reito looked up, and smiled slightly. "I've found her."

Mikoto looked down at us from her position, precariously perched on a branch, and smiled. "Good morning, ani, Kaichou."

"Good morning," I replied automatically. "Is that really safe?"

"It's fine," Mikoto replied easily, stretching her arms. "There aren't any enemies around here right now."

"You should come down when you're talking to people, Mikoto," Reito said reproachfully.

"Sorry, ani." Mikoto jumped abruptly off the tree, falling past me and landing on all fours before standing up. "Sorry, Kaichou."

"You know, I'm not that any more," I replied. "You should just call me by my name."

"Is that okay?" Mikoto asked, looking at me curiously. A moment later, she grinned. "Okay, I got it, Shizuru."

I blinked. I'd rather forgotten her breathless audacity.

I looked to Reito for support, but he just grinned innocently again. "More importantly, Mikoto, what are you doing?"

"Shiho and I are playing hide and seek," Mikoto replied brightly. "I'm counting to eight thousand, then I will come after her."

"What number are you on now?" Reito asked.

"Three thousand two hundred and twelve," Mikoto replied promptly. "Though I stopped to talk to ani and Shizuru."

I'm not sure why that detail was important. But never mind.

"Is that so? In that case, it could be a problem," Reito said, spreading his hands. "Lunch will be served soon, Mikoto. You might not find her in time to go back."

"It's not a problem," Mikoto replied airily. "I can find Shiho really easily. She's bad at hiding compared to me finding."

"So where is she now?"

"I don't know, because I haven't looked yet," Mikoto replied, smiling. "But when I look, I'll find her. More importantly, what have you two been doing?"

"Just talking, a little," Reito replied. "And you?"

"Playing. But all the adults were talking about Ani and Shizuru." Mikoto raised her arms and stretched, rocking back and forth on her heels. "Natsuki was very loud, and she said bad things about Ani wanting to hit Shizuru. And Mai was worried and laughed a lot and Tate was talking about his time on the student council. It was really boring."

"Is that so?" Reito said innocently, very pointedly not looking at me. He was smiling, though. "Well, if you see her, you can tell Natsuki-chan that I definitely didn't do anything to her Shizuru, so she doesn't need to worry."

"Yep, yep," Mikoto said, nodding. "I definitely will. But, what were you talking about?"

"That's a secret," Reito replied mischievously. "But more importantly, Mikoto, what number are you on?"

"Three thousand two hundred and twelve," Mikoto replied promptly.

"Hmm. Shouldn't you carry on counting, so as to make sure Shiho-chan isn't kept waiting?"

"Don't worry. Shiho is patient and kind. Besides, I need to be polite and talk to Ani and Shizuru." Mikoto grinned at us. "Now tell me. Can you tell me, Shizuru? Ani is being mean again."

"We were just clarifying a few things that don't very well bare repeating," I said, hoping that would at least hold her off until she found a dictionary. "But where is Shiho-chan? Do you know which direction she went off in?"

"That way," Mikoto said, pointing behind her. "Or maybe not. Maybe that way, or that way, or that way." She pointed at all four points of the compass and then a few more directions at random. "I don't know. That's because it's hide and seek."

"But we're a little worried about Shiho-chan," Reito said. "Perhaps you could shorten the count and surprise her? That would be fun."

Mikoto shook her head. "That would be cheating, which is bad. And Shiho is fine. She's not good at hiding, but she tries hard, so it's nice not to interrupt her."

"I'll go on ahead," I said briefly, glancing at Reito. "You take care of things here."

He nodded. But when I started to walk past Mikoto, her hand shot out and grabbed my sleeve. Her grip was surprisingly strong, considering how bony her arms were. "You shouldn't do that," Mikoto said innocently, looking up at me. "I haven't finished the count yet, so it would be unfair on Shiho."

I glanced down at her, wondering how to deal with this. My usual arsenal of passive-aggression used in the face of obstructionism is all well and good for the most part, but it's a little… mean, to use that on a middle schooler with the attitude to life of an unusually carefree toddler. What is it Natsuki always says? "But the problem is that lunch is soon, as Reito has said," I said easily, smiling down at her. "And we can't start eating until we have everyone. Isn't it better if we all go back now?"

"But I want to finish my game, first," Mikoto replied. "That's fine, isn't it? Ani and Shizuru can go on ahead, and I'll bring Shiho back when I find her. You can start without us, so it's fine."

I focused on her curious yellow eyes, which were looking back unblinking at me. Her head didn't move, and her body was poised. She hadn't let go of my arm, either, though she'd subtly loosened the grip. I narrowed my eyes slightly. "I'm afraid we could never do that. It could be most discourteous. But what I can do is go back and warn the chef, so we can eat a little later."

"There's no need to do that," Reito said lightly, glancing at me. Good. He was on my side. "You can't just do that, Mikoto. It would be very impolite."

"But I want to finish the game! It was a promise!" Mikoto looked between us, pouting. "Alright, alright. I'll go and fetch Shiho back. You two can go on in."

I'm not sure why I said what I said next. But I suspect it may have been the nagging, irritating sensation that someone I couldn't shout at was trying to stop me from doing something. "Oh, no need. I'm the host here, after all. You can go back with Reito, no?"

"Shiho is hiding, and Natsuki is waiting. My way is better," Mikoto said bluntly, frowning.

It's not like I even wanted to do that thing. "Don't worry, it's no trouble. If you see Natsuki, tell her that as well. But I'm sure she won't worry about it."

"But-"

Mikoto stopped when Reito touched her shoulder, and smiled at her. "It's fine, isn't it, Mikoto? Shiho can make a new friend, as well."

Mikoto pouted at him for a moment, and then nodded. "Okay. If Ani says so." She let go of my arm and stepped back, smiling up at me. "Tell me how long it takes you to find Shiho, when you do! I would have been faster!"

"Most likely, that's true," I agreed amicably. I turned my head away and carried on walking.

It's not like I particularly want to talk to Shiho, even. But a point of principle is exactly that.

I was also glad to leave Reito behind. One thing is for sure. Thanks to the cunning whimsy of the older, and the stubborn single-mindedness of the younger, the Minagi are certainly troubling me. I suppose I should have anticipated that, but I haven't really given it much thought. It isn't just them, either, but how the others interact with them, and Natsuki, and I. Or, perhaps you could say that introducing so many people tied to the Carnival into one place, everything's become more complex. Even if none of them are those I defeated with my own hands, there is still an awareness that doesn't befit me. And it goes for all of them, as well. Everything has become exponentially more complicated, and rather tiring. Especially Reito.

But, somehow, it's not all unwelcome. I suppose it isn't entirely bad to have something else to think about.

And now, apparently, I have to play hide and seek. But even though it's been a while, this is still my home ground. I found her easily enough, standing next to a stream behind a gently sloping hill. "You know, that isn't a very good hiding place," I said gently. "Unless you intend to swim."

"You, huh?" To my surprise, Shiho didn't turn round. "What do you want?"

_To bring you in for lunch_ would have been a fair answer, and a good one. But that would also have been a little boring. "I wonder," I replied ambiguously, standing behind her. "It's nice to have a walk outside every now and again, don't you think?"

Shiho snorted. "Is it really okay to be wasting time out here? Kuga was going on and on about you. It makes me sick."

"So I've been told, though I find it a little surprising, myself," I said reasonably. "All the same, I'm sure she'll survive."

Shiho snorted again and said nothing more. She isn't a striking conversationalist, all told.

"I was surprised to see you cut your hair," I said thoughtfully, walking forwards until I was standing next to her and looking at her face. She promptly looked away from me. "It was a shame, when you'd grown it so long…"

"It made me look like an idiot," Shiho said curtly.

"Really? I liked it. It was very distinctive."

"Don't bother to be kind."

I chuckled slightly. "No, I don't suppose you'd take to it, after all. It did make you look like something from the extended family of cephalopods. But it was very much you, all the same." Shiho didn't reply, again. "I suppose you still have no problem with that, though. Your hair colour is still very… unusual."

"You look like you're Hannibal Lecter."

I blinked. Not promising, but it was a spoken thought. "It's the eyes, isn't it? My eyes attract much comment."

"Of course. They're freakish."

A very charming girl. "I was surprised at the reference, though. Aren't you a little young for those stories?"

"I wonder," Shiho mimicked, without turning to face my probing gaze.

I couldn't help but smirk at that. "I don't suppose it has anything to do with me, after all."

"No. It doesn't."

"Is that why you're scared?"

"Huh?"

"You know, you haven't looked at me from the moment I started that conversation. It's a little disconcerting, as you must be scared of something."

"Why do I have to look at you?" Shiho demanded, turning and glaring at me. "It's not like I even want to talk to you!"

She blinked when I made eye contact, perhaps noticing what had just happened. She was young, after all. "Well, I'm sorry to hear that," I said. "But I'm going to make an effort to talk to you, all the same. I should at least get to know you all."

Shiho glanced at me suspiciously, apparently giving up on looking away. "What do you want?"

"As I said-"

"It's not like you're really interested in being my friend," Shiho said cynically. "You should just go back and talk to Kuga or whatever. It's a pain."

"You have a point, of course. But that was quick answer given because I don't really know my own intentions," I replied honestly. "There really isn't any reason for me to be here. It's true, though, that I think it would be good if I got to know everyone better… but it isn't easy. Talking to Mai-chan and Tate-kun and everyone else is uncomfortable to me, so much so that it's actually easier to talk to you. In spite of your best efforts. You're a little closer to me than to them."

"I'm nothing like you," Shiho protested petulantly.

"Well, you'd be surprised. How much do you know? About my time in the Carnival?"

Shiho looked away, her eyes twitching slightly. "I don't care about that."

"I'll be blunt and unapologetic. I know all about you, because Natsuki told me, and Mai told her. But as for what I've done… you really do know, don't you? Everyone can't help but know." I regarded her coolly. "Or does this upset you?"

"Well, what? Is that supposed to make me happy, or what?" Shiho demanded violently. "I told you I don't talk about that!"

"Well, perhaps. But doesn't it annoy you a little?" I asked. "The fact that Mai-chan came out of everything so perfectly, without having bad intentions towards anyone at all?"

Shiho looked up at me, a shocked expression on her face.

"You know, that is a little annoying," I said absently, looking away and regarding the trees in the distance. "I'm not asking for everyone to go mad and kill people. But it would be nice if they had been just a little more malicious or dangerous, especially with such a power… but Mai-chan didn't, and that troubles me. What special quality did she have that means she remained stable, and I did not? I don't know, but it's still worrying. Going mad isn't fun."

Shiho just watched me for a few moments without saying anything. I ignored her gaze, still focusing on the distance. I was frowning, of course, and didn't really pay attention to whatever expression she might have on her own face. "Do you really think that?"

"Of course. I shouldn't tell you, though, it's not a thought that should be shared." I snorted. "In fact, I shouldn't say anything. But I haven't been having a great day."

"You're the only person who would say that anyway," Shiho said shortly. "Isn't she the great messiah? She saved all our lives, I'm sure. And won the day." Her voice was bitter.

"She's a very good, decent person," I said with a hint of resignation. "I'm very glad that Natsuki has such a friend. I might even like her, if I got to know her better. But I'm afraid you'll have to forgive me for my hate of anything that reminds me of my own shortcomings. It's one of my character flaws."

Shiho paused for a moment, then snorted. "I see… you sure are different. Aren't you supposed to be the kind, great Fujino-sama? That's what everyone calls you."

"It's a little boring, being all that. It's not really me." I frowned. "I wonder whether Mai-chan ever gets a pressing desire to throw her kindness out the window and punch someone in the face."

"Probably. She was part of all that."

"I shouldn't talk like this, though," I said. "Whatever people call me. So please understand clearly, when I'm being uncharitable right now… I'm really putting myself down." I tilted my head upwards, regarding the cloudless sky. "What I resent Mai-chan for is everything I cannot be, and my own failures of the past. So, she's really an aspiration to me. The problem is how completely I failed, and how hateful my own actions were." I shrugged. "I doubt you're interested in my life story, though. I'll desist."

"It's okay," Shiho said cautiously. "It beats lame stuff about my hair, anyway."

"Of course. I suspect I'm setting you a bad example, though. But that's fine." I turned my head to regard her profile again. "Even if I think like this, I still have to do what I can. There probably isn't any spiritual difference between me and her, so if I never want to live that way again… well, let's just say I'm trying my best. But it isn't easy to keep smiling, when my most important person is around people far more virtuous than myself."

"Tch. Whatever. You know, it's annoying when you to talk like that," Shiho retorted sharply. "Kuga is still obsessed about you, for whatever weird reason. She goes on and on about it, so your sulking is pretty pathetic, after all."

"Well, I've never claimed any of these feelings were particularly rational," I replied. "Perhaps she couldn't think of anything else to talk about."

"You're so spoiled. Shizuru-sama is Shizuru-sama, after all," Shiho sniffed. "You know, onii-chan doesn't talk about me, unless it's to complain, or spend time with me, unless it's because he feels like he has to."

"I'm sure that's not true," I replied automatically. "After all, my own pouting complaints are a little distant from fact-"

"Like I said, stop trying to comfort me," Shiho snapped. "I'm not a kid. I understand this stuff."

"If so, I'll apologise," I said. "It was inconsiderate of me to air my own grievances without regard for your situation."

Shiho blinked slowly then gave me a strange look. "Well… that's right. You should apologise."

"You're right, so I am sorry. Natsuki is very kind." I stopped for a moment, and then laughed. "Or, to put it another way, I do know that despite everything I've done and all reason, she'll still spend time with me, and talk to me, and derive some pleasure from my company. I should be grateful for that, rather than complaining."

"You really are spoiled. It really annoys me." Shiho looked away. "Onii-chan doesn't do anything like that. I'm a bother to both of them. It's not like I don't know that. And I make them guilty, too. It really annoys me. If they're going to do it, they should just forget my feelings anyway. Trying to be kind is just retarded."

"That wouldn't be easy in normal circumstances, least of all our own," I said sympathetically. "I've felt that way about Natsuki before, though that's hitherto been mere paranoia…"

"You really are a freak," Shiho remarked curtly. "Well, whatever. I don't have to give a damn."

I chuckled. "I can see why you're isolated, you know. You're quite a spiteful child."

"Yeah, well, I know that too," Shiho said hotly. "You know what, I get it. I'm a jealous, possessive bitch. Screw it. That's just how it is, so I'm not going to apologise."

"That's what I say about my own feelings, though I have apologised to Natsuki," I replied. "But that doesn't absolve either of us from the responsibility of acting responsibility to change ourselves."

"Sure. Fine. I stop sulking and start smiling all the damn time and play sister to Mai," Shiho said forcefully. "And what changes? So they feel better, but I won't feel better. I'll probably feel worse. I don't know why I have to force myself. Why am I supposed to owe them that?"

"No one said that, specifically," I replied. "You should probably make other friends and other interests. That would be good for you, as well."

"I'm sure. Remind me of why you were out here, again? Because you can't bear to make new friends, right?" Shiho glanced cynically at me. "Considering everything, you're pretty much as spiteful as me."

"Probably. I'm not a saint, or even a good person, but I can tell you the things you already know without being one." I looked thoughtfully into her cold amber eyes. "There's Mikoto-chan, for example. She likes you, doesn't she?"

"You mean the combat monkey who killed onii-chan?" Shiho said sarcastically.

"That doesn't make her unkind," I said quietly. "Even I know that she definitely cares for you, and she's definitely trying to protect you in her own way. You should at least acknowledge that."

"I know that as well," Shiho replied, sounding tired. "You know, I know everything. I don't know what you're supposed to be telling me."

"I'm doing what you did to me. People like us tend to forget what good we have when we look at our various misfortunes."

"Don't compare me to you."

"You know, I'm inclined to agree that would be inappropriate," I said slowly. "I like to think that I'm a little more graceful."

Shiho ignored that quip. "Mikoto is a kid. She's kind in her own way, sure. But it's not like she gets it. Not that anyone does, really…"

I closed my eyes briefly. She's not wearing black, at least. There's some mercy in this world. "Perhaps it's better that she doesn't understand. It's relaxing, isn't it? Being around her?"

"I suppose so," Shiho conceded. "Just a bit, though."

"Because you don't have to think about the painful things around her," I said. "It's not a bad thing. For me, as well… being with my parents again is easier. They don't know about the Carnival, and can continue to think of me as an innocent person."

"That just sounds like lying," Shiho said briefly.

"A little," I replied moodily. "No one ever said this was easy. But, you know, you're an inspiration. I'll try and be more positive from now on."

Shiho just blinked at me.

"In any case, you're out here to avoid the others, aren't you?" I asked. "I suppose hide and seek was your idea. I think Mikoto-chan understands your real intent, though."

"It's not like I'm avoiding them," Shiho said defensively. "I'm just doing something else, away from them. And they were the ones who wanted me to fly off with Mikoto, and get us both out of their important way."

"I don't think you're considerate enough to be motivated by that at all," I said lightly. "At the same time, you're also forthright enough to decide for your own reasons. I'm guessing that your reason is to avoid them, that's all."

"I also know when I'm not wanted."

"I'm here for that reason, as I've said before." I shrugged. "That's to say, that I want to be alone. But while I used to think that I wasn't wanted, that was a lie. It was fairly hard for me to accept the truth, even if it was theoretically a good one."

"Well, good for you," Shiho said sarcastically.

"Natsuki's hate would be easy enough to deal with," I continued, ignoring her. "I could just walk away. But I noticed fairly fast was that she didn't want that, but she wanted me to be a friend. She still does. That's very hard for me, you know, because that's not the role I want to fulfil myself, so I have to force myself to do it."

Shiho sighed, scowling at me. "It's amazing how you manage to turn even her forgiveness into some kind of complaint."

"It's a statement, not a complaint," I replied, folding my arms. "Likewise my suspicion is that Tate-kun and Mai-chan do want you. But what they want you for isn't the role you want to fulfil. That's why you can't bring yourself to accept it. Their acceptance."

"That's not true!" Shiho said forcefully. "They can't stand me, so why the hell am I the villain here?"

"That's not a matter of good or bad, either," I said patiently. "It's just the nature of human emotions."

"Whatever you say, but you're wrong," she continued, glaring at me. "They hate me, and your words can't change that. You don't even know me!"

"Not quite. I don't know Tate-kun and Mai-chan very well, true. But I think I know you." I regarded her for a long moment. "Well, think about it. If you've been spending a very long time studiously avoiding thinking, as I had, it might help a little. In the meantime, we've probably missed lunch."

I turned and started to walk away, half expecting another tirade. But when I turned and looked again, she was staring at the stream. "Come on," I called. "Let's go back."

"Whatever." But she turned and followed me, all the same.


	41. Chapter 41

**Windows of the Soul: Part Forty-One**

I'll conceed the field on many things, but when wiki has stuff on it, I'm certain. And wiki says they're the same age, damnit.

Gotta love what's "notable" nowadays...

* * *

"Is this everyone?" Shinri asked shortly.

"Mikoto-chan is missing, but she will most likely arrive shortly," Shizuru said. "I'm told that she dislikes missing meals."

"I see." He closed his eyes briefly. "Regardless, the number of people under this roof is multiplying exponentially."

"It's fine, isn't it?" Viola asked. "It makes things more lively. A pleasant change from the excessive quiet we normally have around here."

"That's true enough," Shinri acknowledged. "In any case, I will adapt. I suppose I should be glad that my daughter has so many friends… if she is indeed their interest here." He gave everyone a cynical look.

"What's the problem?" I asked dryly. "It's the only way anyone's going to fill this oversized table, isn't it? Or is it just for having?"

"There's no point in filling it for the sake of filling it. But what is, is." Shinri shrugged. "I'll accept that."

"As graceful as ever," I muttered cynically.

"More importantly, it's an honour to be in your care," Reito said, giving that bastard a disgustingly sincere look. "I've heard much about you from my family. Shinri Fujino keeps the old traditions alive, and is a master of kenjutsu and iaido. A modern day samurai who nonetheless maintains economically viable enterprise."

"Your family says far too much," Shinri replied, but he looked damn smug, all the same. "I'm surprised, though. We aren't so famous as to be household names in normal places."

"Mikoto and I are part of the Minagi family. I doubt you've heard of us, though." Reito shrugged. "We're just a sword-and-shrine family, altogether more anachronistic than the Fujino. Shiho-chan's Munakata family maintain a shrine as well. So, we still cling on somehow."

"You're well-spoken for an anachronism," Viola said lightly. "You shouldn't say that so lightly, though. He always gets upset about that."

"Hardly. It's because I know there's still a place for tradition, and you're proof of that." Shinri gave Reito an interested look. "So what part of the country do you come from?"

"It seems there's a little less tension," Shizuru remarked quietly, turning and smiling at me. "Should I expect that of Reito-san?"

"I wonder," I replied neutrally. "I'm just surprised you didn't say something first."

"Well, it isn't easy to think of common ground for all of us," Shizuru said.

"That's true," Mai replied, speaking from the other side of me. "But, you know, I think Reito-san might be a little excited. He was talking quite a lot about this on the train."

I looked sidelong as the suspect, who was leaning forwards and talking about the finer points of shrine keeping with Shizuru's parents. "Probably," I said sourly. It kinda pisses me off, when he looks like he's actually enjoying it.

"More importantly, are you feeling better, Fujino-san?" Mai asked. "You made us a little worried."

"I'm fine. I'm sorry I've been troubling you, but I'm still not at my best. It's too bad, really." Shizuru frowned slightly. "It's a bit formal to call me by my surname, though. Do you have to do that?"

"Well… Shizuru-san, then?" Mai asked cautiously.

"Thank you, Mai-chan," Shizuru replied amicably.

I blinked. "Hey, Shizuru. Did someone drug you while you were sulking in your room or something? You're acting strange."

"I resent that implication," Shizuru replied, smiling at me. "It's normal, isn't it? After all, Natsuki's friend is a friend of mine."

I sighed, rubbing my forehead. "Whatever. It's pretty annoying, though. Why are you so cheerful all of a sudden after avoiding us all afternoon?"

"I just had something thinking to do, that's all," Shizuru replied ambiguously. "What? Did I worry you, Natsuki?"

"You annoyed me more than anything else," I replied haughtily. "It's pretty rude of you."

"Don't worry about it," Mai advised. "She's just being dishonest again."

"Really?" Shizuru asked. "I can't imagine that. I'm sure Natsuki is always honest."

"Even when you say that, it sounds like you mean the exact opposite," I said irritably.

"Now, now, let's forget all that," Mai suggested, raising her hands. "In any case, I need to thank you again, Shizuru-san. This really is kind of you."

"Not at all. It's the least I owe to you, after all," Shizuru replied.

I rolled my eyes. "Is that part of the family code? You treat thanks like blackmail, and backslide out of it."

"Talking about it would be inelegant," Shizuru replied. "Besides, I do mean it. She's been good for you, after all."

I grimaced. "Somehow, I knew it would be something like that. Mai's not a teacher or a moral fable or something weird. And when you talk about me like that, it's really annoying."

"Sorry."

"But I'm glad we have a chance to all be here together with you," Mai said, trying to distract our attention again. "I've been worried myself, and besides, we wouldn't be able to go anywhere otherwise… though maybe it's a bit inappropriate to talk like that, under the circumstances. We're also here because of that cruel circumstance."

"It's nothing we can't bear with, most likely," Shizuru replied, her voice restrained. "For my part, I can deal with it, but… well, Natsuki has been hurt more badly. That's the most unhappy thing, and very unfair."

"Tch, this is nothing," I replied irritably. "You know, that's way too casual. We could seriously have died, Shizuru. This is nothing."

"You're right, of course," Shizuru said, looking at me. "That's also something I worry about a lot."

"Honestly. Well, if there's a next time, things will be different." I glared at her. "I won't let you run off alone and do something stupid, for a start."

"Don't even tempt fate," Mai said fervently. "Doesn't it make you sick just to think about it?"

I snorted, folding my arms. "It's not a matter of fate or no fate. I'm just seriously considering everything, knowing that there are still some of them out there. You, too. You should have some kind of plan. Preferably one that doesn't involve hoping Mikoto can kick them all to death before they notice what's happening."

"Surely that wouldn't happen, though?" Mai said nervously. "Well… how would you say it…"

"Naïve," I replied curtly. "On top of them, there's Searrs as well. You should get used to the idea that we're not safe people."

Shizuru coughed slightly. "Perhaps we could defer this conversation for another time. It isn't very fitting for the dinner table, don't you think?"

I frowned. "You're right. Sorry."

"On a brighter note, let's see… can I ask after you, Mai-chan?" Shizuru smiled. "I hope you've been having fun now you don't have to look after Natsuki."

"There you go again," I complained.

"It's been good, though I missed Natsuki," Mai replied smoothly. "It's good to be able to relax with everyone without worrying about school. And the atmosphere's different from a normal school, for those of us who stayed behind…"

"I'm back!" Mikoto announced loudly.

"Welcome back," Reito said, turning to look at her. "Come here a second, Mikoto."

She trotted obediently up to him, then winced when he pulled a twig out of her hair. "Ow."

"I weep for the bushes," Shinri murmured.

"This is my sister, Mikoto Minagi," Reito said smoothly. "Now hurry up and sit down, Mikoto. You're holding everyone up."

"Sorry. I'm going, ani." Mikoto sat next to Shiho, grinning as her gaze swept the table. "The food looks good! Can we eat?"

"Why not?" Viola said courteously. "Let's begin, everyone."

"Itadakimasu," I said dutifully, along with everyone else. Then I picked up my chopsticks and promptly started eating my rice. All Japanese food, and no mayo. Perhaps that's all the chef can do, I don't know.

"It's good," Mai remarked after a few mouthful of fish. "I guess that's expected, though. Lunch was the same."

"It's not really something we can take credit for, as it really is expected of our resources," Shizuru replied. "I'm more impressed by your own cooking. By Natsuki's accounts, you're very good indeed. And she's quite the fussy eater."

"I am not."

"I'm not that good," Mai replied modestly. "I can just get by, you know? It was a necessary skill for me. I guess I take a little pride in it, though."

"People always take the most pride in their necessary things," Shizuru replied. "That's what's most valuable. It's a good thing."

"Well, if you say so. It makes me feel a little awkward, though. You have a lot of talents, Shizuru-san, so it's strange to complimented by you." Mai smiled. "I suppose I'm being graceless, though."

"On the contrary, you flatter me. But cooking is entirely foreign to me, I'm afraid. I shall have quite the interesting time at university, I'm sure."

"I don't know why you're worried," I said. "You know, you can just buy your meals there. Or else go to a restaurant for every meal, it's not like you can't."

"That's a little inelegant, though," Shizuru said, smiling at me. "Not to mention expensive. But on another note, it's a point of curiosity. If it's a matter of circumstances, shouldn't you be a good cook as well? But you've never cooked anything for me… well, except mayonnaise sandwiches."

"Be grateful, those were great sandwiches," I replied idly. "In any case, I've managed just fine up to now. I just keep things quick and simple."

"And you managed a little better when I was feeding you," Mai said, sighing playfully. "You really don't know how to look after yourself, Natsuki. I'm sure Shizuru-san will be able to sympathise."

"Absolutely. Well, she says the same thing of me, so I don't think I can talk to much of that."

I snorted. "What's with everyone ganging up on me with of a sudden? It's annoying."

"You're something we have in common," Mai said lightly. "It's for the good of conversation, so don't take it too hard."

"I'm sure you could talk about other things, but whatever," I replied. "That's not the point anyway. I'm sure you'd live really badly as well, if it wasn't for Takumi and your mother-complex."

"That's probably true," Mai admitted.

"Natsuki shouldn't feel too bad," Shizuru said lightly. "You also have skills derived from your circumstances, after all."

"Who's feeling bad?" I asked. "Well, whatever. Let's just leave it at that."

"If you say so," Shizuru said, smiling at me.

I was surprised, actually, considering how unfriendly she's been all day. But I guess I couldn't complain, and if it got the two of them talking, this was nothing. "In any case," I said, casting around for another topic of conversation. Oh. That's right. "What the hell did Reito say to you, damn it?" I demanded, turning my head and glaring at her. "Whenever I ask the bastard, he says something demure and useless, and you've been here and there but never here here all day. He didn't say anything weird, right?"

"Oh, nothing much," Shizuru replied cautiously. "We just talked about various things."

"That also counts as demure and useless," I snapped. "Honestly, the more I think about it the more I'm sure it's suspicious. Just spill it, already! You can't hide anything from me!"

"I'm sure if they say it wasn't important, it wasn't important," Mai said soothingly. "Besides, if they want it to be private, isn't that also fine?"

"Totally not. It's fine for you to say that, but I don't trust either of them." I snorted. "I dislike it when Shizuru hides things from me. She does that far too much already."

"And if I asked nicely, would you forgive me for this one last thing?" Shizuru asked, looking at me with sincere eyes. "I would appreciate it."

I pretended to think about it for a moment. "Hmm. No."

"I'm sorry about this," Mai said, glancing apologetically at Shizuru. "She's got rather worked up about this over time. I think she's a little suspicious of Reito-san still, and a little worried for you."

"Hey, don't say unnecessary things," I said irritably.

Mai sighed and smiled. "Yes, yes."

"Regardless, it's reasonable, under the circumstances," Shizuru said quietly. "Perhaps if you could wait a little while…"

I sighed, looking into her eyes. They were her worried eyes, rather than her cunning eyes. That would have to do. "Fine. Whatever. I guess I'll shut up about it for now."

"Thank you," Shizuru said gracefully.

She was looking at me as if I'd done her a big favour or something. I snorted, turning my head away. "Well, sure…"

Mai smiled. "Civility is nice, after all."

"A moment, Shizuru," Shinri announced, turning her head and regarding her. How are you feeling?"

I blinked. Unusual for that bastard to show overt concern.

"I'm a little tired but otherwise well, Tou-sama, thank you for your concern," Shizuru replied. "Resting earlier has done me some good, I think."

Shinri nodded. "That is fortunate. In any case, I intend to show Reito-kun a few moves after dinner. It would be good if you were up to coming."

"That should be manageable. I will look forwards to it."

There's always a reason.

"And perhaps you would like to come as well, Kuga," Shinri suggested, glancing at me.

I scowled, looking away. "I'll see if I have the time."

"Is that so? As you wish."

And how come he's already Reito-kun, anyway? This is just plain unfair, but I guess that bastard doesn't bother to be polite. Maybe he only respects guys, after all. Or just sword-crazed idiots, either works.

"But things are looking up to you, dear," Viola said playfully. "Very few people share your interests."

"I'll come too," Tate said quietly. "If that wouldn't be a bother. I'm also interested in kenjutsu."

"Me too, me too!" Mikoto said enthusiastically.

"Are you sure, Tate-kun?" Reito said innocently. "You know, kendo is pretty different from kenjutsu. If you compare their intensity, and closeness to original swordplay, it isn't the same at all."

"I'm fine with either," Tate retorted, smiling stiffly. "It didn't make all that much difference last time we fought, senpai."

"Hmm? You're a little bold." Reito nodded, still smiling. "Well, you have a point. If you're determined, I would like to see you there."

"This is a depressingly bloodthirsty atmosphere," Mai observed. "I'm sure it makes you all happy, after all."

"You should come, Mai," Tate suggested. "It's not very often I get to show off to you."

"I agree," Reito said. "That should motivate Tate-kun a little more."

"I'm not really interested," Mai said. "So I'll probably just go to sleep early, after all."

"Really? Too bad." Reito turned and glanced at me. "How about you, Natsuki-san? Do you have a reason for going?"

I snorted, folding my arms. "If I go, it'll be to watch Shizuru. But I might just go to sleep early, after all."

"That's not a bad idea," Shinri said shortly. "You shouldn't misunderstand. Kenjutsu requires concentration. If my pupil isn't concentrating on what they're doing, they tend to get hurt. That's just the nature of the kata."

"Of course," Reito agreed. "There's no armour in kenjutsu, after all."

I sighed, and decided to come. If only to spite Shinri.

We spent the rest of dinner talking about nothing in particular, with Shizuru in something approaching a good mood. That's fine, as far as it goes, but it was also a little annoying. If she was in this kind of spirits from the beginning, why the hell did she hide away? I mean, it's not like she can't talk to Mai. But I've long since stopped trying to make sense of her mood swings. It's fine, I guess. She isn't very reliable, but it does mean that things are always interesting.

Or is she being insincere again? It's hard for someone like me to tell, but pretending to please us sounds like something she would do. And if that's the case, she's only going to tire herself out. That's the problem about the whole situation, really. If Shizuru were normal, I'd already have enough to worry about. But she always hides things and forces herself, so it's hard to tell when I should be worried, and when there's no need to do so. And somehow, despite all that, she thinks she's saving me trouble. I really don't get it, altogether.

Comparatively, Mai and Mikoto are simple, I suppose. And while Mikoto manages to create an insane chaos and unpredictability from that, it's still a little more relaxing. It makes things easier. Or would you say that it makes me complacent?

Damnit. Normally, I wouldn't even have to think to half this kind of level. At best, I need to work out what needs to be done, and how to get it done. Crowbars may be involved, and the whole thing is relatively simple. But I can't find a crowbar that will work on Shizuru, and I end up doing what she does. Overanalysis. I'm a direct person and I'm used to my life having a plot. Or something. Natsuki, the good girl, chases down the bad people and the secrets of her past. Sounds like a cheap game plot. But, even now, it's not very obvious what I'm supposed to do. There's Shizuru, and first she's one thing and then another, and her past and her present are also different. Both pasts, all our past together. I don't even know what I want, for that matter. I entertain all sorts of idle curiosities nestled in my mind, different ways of the approaching the situation, but none of them seem right. Even when it's something simple like this, it's complicated. Shizuru should make more friends, is self-evident. Mai being a good choice follows. So why does it annoy me that they're so chummy? Just because of the bad jokes about my habits? I don't know.

I guess you could say this problem doesn't really have much to do with Shizuru, after all. I don't have a manifest destiny any more. And for some reason, I chose to follow her, and to lead her. I still don't know where we're going, though.

In the end, maybe I'm just following after her after all. But watching her play with her sword isn't so bad.

To my surprise, Mai had come too. She sat besides me when I sat on one of the cushions, looking sidelong at me and smiling. "So this is the place? It's pretty big, isn't it? It must be nice, having your own dojo."

"Probably," I agreed, putting my hands on my knees. "What are you doing here, anyway? I thought you said you weren't coming."

"It can't be helped, probably," Mai replied. "I guess I should watch him after all."

"It's not compulsory, you know," I said, looking around. Shiho was also here, some way away. I don't know what she expected to see, but whatever. "I mean, Viola isn't here. And that woman does absolutely everything manners expect of her. It's pretty scary."

"That's not quite what I mean, you know," Mai said, smiling softly at me. "Besides, you're here too, aren't you? I'm sure Shizuru-san is glad to see you watching her."

"That may be, but I have a different reason for being here," I said evasively. I didn't specify, because the actual reason probably counted as worse.

"Really?" Mai asked. "In any case, though, how would you say it… the difference probably is that Shizuru-san's father doesn't expect his wife to be here. It's about expectations."

"You mean, because Tate is even more insecure than Shinri, you have to be here?" I sighed, pinching my nose. "That's a little depressing, because I know you're not stupid. Maybe he'd rotted your brains, after all."

"It's nothing like that. I think this is normal, after all. It's only a little concession, and I don't really mind anyway." Mai prodded me on the forehead playfully. "You're the same, right? I'm sure you've given up a lot of things for her."

"Just a little." I looked up, and met Shizuru's probing gaze for a moment before she turned away. She was using a bokken, not her katana. That was something of a relief. "I'm not particularly serious, I guess. I don't really get it, though. Whatever you say, I'm pretty sure Shizuru wouldn't be offended if I wasn't here."

Mai sighed theatrically. "You have a long way to go, Natsuki."

"Well, forgive me for being the one who doesn't have a crazy attention seeker for a boyfriend." I replied irritably, watching Shizuru warm up with some basic strokes. She looks a lot different in her practise clothes.

"Shizuru-san is a girl," Mai said matter-of-factly. "That changes everything, because we're the subtle species. But even if she doesn't say something, she probably wants it, all the same. I get annoyed whenever Tate doesn't read my mind too."

"That sounds kinda unreasonable," I said tiredly. God, I didn't get enough sleep last night.

"Of course. We're the fair sex, but not the fair sex." Mai chuckled. "Any good?"

"Don't drop out of school for it." I sighed again, brushing my hair out of my eyes and looking thoughtfully at Shizuru. "I'm here, I guess. If it's as you say, there shouldn't be a problem."

"I suppose you're still a little considerate, after all," Mai said playfully. "But I'm lying, in part. Tate can do the same thing to me. I'm sure you also have unspoken expectations of Shizuru-san."

"A few," I admitted.

"Right?"

"It's kinda strange when you keep comparing us to you two, though," I said cautiously.

"Shouldn't I?" Mai asked thoughtfully.

I sighed, touching my forehead with two fingers and closing my eyes briefly. "Who knows?"

"You should be more decisive," Mai chided.

"I don't want to hear that from you…"

It might be my imagination, but I think Shizuru glanced at me again for a moment, before she turned to regard her father along with anyone else. I wonder whether she's remembering what I'm remembering. It happened here, and not so long ago, either. It's a little hard to credit. Those moonlight images, Shizuru and her sword, Shizuru's anger and sorrow, her words and my own, her arms… they feel like they belong to another place and time, a shadow or a dream. It's almost unreal to me now. But, still. I'm sure I finally made her feel a little better. That's why I want her to remember now, so regardless of her own feelings right now, her sincerity or her dishonesty, she'll be able to accept it. She still looks better when she's smiling, after all.

No way I'm telling Mai that. It's too embarrassing. But maybe I'll tell Shizuru, later, in some way. I'll see how I'm feeling.

"We won't go very far, as that's inappropriate just after dinner. And in the first instance, this isn't a lesson. I don't have that kind of free time." Shinri put both hands on his bokken, his gaze sweeping across everyone there. "This is just to satisfy my curiosity. Shizuru can do more, if she's ever so inclined."

He's still his graceful and good-natured self, after all.

"Of course. I do appreciate this," Reito replied, bowing.

"Do I have to use a shinai?" Tate asked, frowning. "I can handle a bokken, you know. I've used them before, as Reito would know."

Shinri looked at him for a long moment, scowling. "Whatever else you've been taught before now, manners weren't included, were they?"

"You shouldn't take it so personally, Tate-kun," Shizuru said delicately. "It makes me feel a little bad. I can't really afford to do real kenjutsu in my current state, so I'm counting on you to go easy on me."

"Shouldn't you be resting, then?" Tate said. "I mean, even without that it would be awkward for me to spar with you…"

"How about your sister?" Shinri asked, pointedly looking at Reito. "Can she can handle this?"

"Mikoto is strong. Certainly stronger than me." Reito grinned. "You don't need to worry about her."

"Then I can rest easy with one person who might hurt themselves around," Shinri said ambiguously. "All the same, she should watch at first."

"Do I have to?" Mikoto asked. "That's boring…"

"Sensei is asking," Reito said pointedly.

Mikoto bowed from the waist so deeply I swear her head touched the floor. "Yes. I apologise for my rudeness, sensei. I will wait patiently."

I frowned. "I didn't even know that she knew so many long words… patiently and apologise are a whole nine letters, and rudeness is close. Or to put it another way, why can't she always talk like that?"

"Somehow, it doesn't suit her," Mai replied thoughtfully.

I just sighed and watched as the pairs faced off against each other. Shinri just had to say something, and Reito would cross swords with him. I didn't really get what they were doing, it was fixed like before, but it looked like it was done well. That's probably normal for those two. Shizuru and Tate… was pretty much her telling him what to do, every step of the way. I could care less, though. I prefer real fighting to kata anyway.

"They look like they're having fun," Mai remarked quietly. "Don't you think?"

"I guess so," I replied absently.

"It's too bad Mikoto doesn't have anyone to play with," Mai said, frowning slightly. "It'd be better if there was another person."

"Are you trying to suggest something as well?" I asked irritably.

"Huh?"

"Never mind. Just remembering a rash promise."

"Well, forget it. More importantly, this is a good chance to talk, while they're all busy waving sticks around." Mai shifted closer to me, leaning forwards and looking at my face. "Have you decided yet?"

"About what?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"About how you regard Shizuru-san, of course. I'll admit, I was a little cynical before. But you know, I can see it now. You do go on about her a lot, if nothing else."

"I do not," I replied, pouting slightly. "That's unfair."

Mai sighed theatrically and grinned at me. "You know, that would be more convincing if we'd talked of anything else all day."

"It's not my fault I've done nothing else since I was here. There's surprisingly little to do, after all."

"I'm amazed you weren't bored out of your mind," Mai said. "But none of that really answers my question, you know."

"I don't want to talk about it right now," I hissed back. "It's dangerous, isn't it? If that bastard got a word of this…"

"If you mean him, he looks pretty busy to me," Mai whispered back. "Besides, when else will we have a chance to talk about it?"

"Afterwards is fine, right?"

"I have something else to do afterwards. You too, probably." Mai frowned, prodding me again. "Aren't you just trying to dodge the question again?"

"Well, it is still awkward," I retorted. "I mean, it's still kinda weird. I haven't decided yet, really. I've been very busy, what with the manic assassins and all."

"It sounds like there's no better time to think about what's really important to you," Mai retorted. "But I suppose I can't force you, after all."

"Don't make this sound simple!" I snapped, trying to keep my voice low. "You have a nice, normal affection! Shizuru is possibly mad and definitely a girl, and she's also going to leave me soon… don't compare the two!"

"I'm not trying to do that," Mai replied reasonably, leaning back and looking sidelong at me. "And it's not like I don't understand you have special circumstances, either. But I'm worried. For you, too."

"So, what?" I asked, keeping my eyes fixed on the swordplay. Judging by the faster pace and Shizuru's tone, Tate was finally getting into the swing of it.

"Well, it's a matter of time, isn't it?" Mai said lightly. "She will be leaving you. Looking at things from one perspective, a dramatic confession on the last day would suck. No time for dating."

I flushed slightly. "Hey, don't get ahead of yourself!"

"Not so loud," Mai said, casting a nervous glance at Shiho. She was, dully, looking back at us, with a strange expression on her face. "But if you're serious, you should think about that too. And, also… you shouldn't think that doing nothing is the same as keeping the status quo."

To my surprise, Reito stepped back and let Mikoto take his place. I guess even he has to be considerate of her. "What do you mean?"

Mai watched Tate, speaking quietly. "If nothing changes, you'll just be friends, and nothing more. That gets more likely the longer you leave it. Shizuru-san's feelings aren't something you can take for granted either. Without dwelling on it, she has unhappy memories… as do you."

"I know that," I replied. "That's why it's tough, you know?"

"So all I'm saying is that you'll need courage and determination if it would work at all." Mai folded her arms. "If you can't even make your mind up, you should just forget about it."

"Tch. Very harsh."

"That's just the truth." Mai smiled apologetically. "Well, I'm not very good at this. But it's best if you understand."

"I know! I know." I bit my lip. "I'll think about it… seriously, this time."

"Good. We can talk a little more later, whenever we have the chance." Mai shifted her attention to Tate again. "But not tonight. I'll be with him. And I'll probably have to bandage him up like a mummy as well, at this rate."

"I get it. Me too, right?" I replied, my eyes narrowing slightly. "But I'd do that even without your suggestion."

"I'm glad."

They played with kata for about another twenty minutes, while we watched, never talking about anything significant. For the end, Reito suggested a little competitive sparring, freestyle. And for some strange reason, Tate agreed, and they happened to be paired up against each other, and Shizuru with Shinri.

Apparently freestyle and free-for-all sound _very _similar to someone with the right mindset. The evening ended with us persuading Mikoto to come down from a tree, after an enraged Shinri with a blooming bruise over one eye chased her up there.


	42. Chapter 42

**Windows of the Soul: Part Forty-Two**

For those of you curious about the "fight", I personally picture Mikoto's attack as a Starlight Knee. Make of that what you will.

* * *

Darkness has its own merits. It means I can think without everyone distracting me, I guess.

I just wish it were easier to forget those words. Thinking is fine and all, but there's also a necessity for, you know, sleep.

Just going in circles and no more irritates me, though. If I am thinking, there should be something to show for it at the end. More than that, it really shouldn't feel exhausting and almost painful, just to think about something. I haven't felt this bad since the Carnival. Or is that the wrong way of looking at it? The Carnival and everything in it was at least a moment, but nothing more than that. Oh, there was an extended futility about it, but at least the answer came clearly. I would have to move on, and for my sake and Shizuru's sake, I'd use that new power to stop her. I'm still proud of that, in a perverse way. Unfortunately, as I'm sure Mai would remind me if she were here, this isn't a matter of just running in and kicking ass. If so, the situation would have been resolved a long time ago.

But this is more like my past, and revenge for mother. As I saw it. Once I had moved beyond merely being a small child, I struggled for that. And it pained me. It pained me because I was weak and they were strong, I was only one person, and a girl, and very much alone. I found it difficult to imagine how I could possibly realise my ideal of revenge. Even Duran didn't change that for very long. Limitations came as fast as strengths and I soon realised my new strengths had limits. Mikoto, broadly, was the limit. And with the Orphans, as well, there were as many obstacles created as removed by the existence of the Children and that bizarre world. By then, it was moot, though. Even though things were tough, I pressed on. The pain was nothing. The pain was an offering. For my beloved and lost mother, I would continue to struggle, and avenge her in a fitting way. That was my uncompromising resolve, so even when I understood how powerless I was, and how hard it was to begin, I didn't hesitate or bow my head.

It's very depressing how frequently the people who are important to me betray my expectations. And after that, I was just tired and alone.

I was trying to avoid thinking about the real issue, though, and I knew it. I narrowed my eyes slightly, trying to make out the ceiling through the darkness. The futon was warm enough, and the pillow comfortable, but there was a sense of broad space to the room I didn't entirely like. Or, to put it another way, it was too damn big. I was used to sleeping in a far smaller room. Being on floor level, with everything above and around me, wasn't very comfortable. It made me think of danger, and my tidy, precise mind for these matters had little difficulty in filling the spaces in my sight with kidnappers and Orphans.

But that's another aside. This is the same feeling as then, protracted indecision. At some level, action may actually be taking place. We're talking, and I watch her as she dances with swords. That's fine. Nonetheless, nothing is decided for me, and I'm stifled by the weight of the choices confronting me. It isn't an easy circumstance. Shizuru isn't a boy I met at random and may or may not like. She isn't Takeda, for all that would be… normal? Easier. Shizuru is a girl, for one thing. So to consider this I need to answer questions about myself I've never had any certainty about. She's also a friend, and an enemy, and someone whose past is so intertwined with my own that they're hard to separate from time to time. I'm not exactly gifted at social matters, and surprisingly enough, Shizuru isn't either. Insofar as sexual assault isn't proper social conduct…

I still remember that, especially when I'm like this. It occurred in a wide, dark room like this, on a futon just like this. I'm still haunted by that. I'm also haunted by the knowledge that because of that, Shizuru will never take any step beyond that of "friend" ever again. Not without my explicit permission, at least. Possibly not at all, ever. Because I'm scared of her and she knows I'm scared of her and she is also scared of herself, to such a degree that she cannot bear herself, forget trust herself. I've forgiven her, and I want her to forgive herself. Neither of us can forget, though.

We're friends now, at least, and doing anything at all would put that at risk. More than that, I'm a natural-born coward. Oh, I can stare down someone pointing a gun at me or attack a grown woman with every conceivable advantage on me from behind without noticing reasons to stop. That's just instinct in motion, though. Most of the Hime could do that much, but we weren't strong. But in terms of emotions, I am a coward. It's not like I don't know that. For the longest time, I leaned on Shizuru without caring to acknowledge why she let me do that, or her own fears. I was also fine with being aloof and alone. I'm stronger, now. I've come some way; I've come here. But our friendship was founded on Shizuru being interested in me. I no longer have that much luck, insofar as I'm the only one who can make her move on from the past. All of that is what Mai was saying, or at least, it can be summed up in the same way. For her, and for me, there's no way we could sleepwalk into romance any more. If I'm serious, I need to find my determination and pursue it with everything I have. If I'm not, then I should draw out my own feelings and lay them to rest without regret. Simple solutions that even I can understand and accept.

Unfortunately, all that is merely how you would define the question.

Fuck, I hate this shit.

The door slid open slightly, and someone peeked in. I blanched, trying to suppress a blush. It was probably impossible for her to see in the dark, but it was the principle of the thing that irritated me. What was there to be bashful about?

"Is Natsuki awake?" Shizuru whispered.

"I'm awake," I replied, sitting up and concealing myself with my futon. "But what would you have done if I was asleep?"

"I'd have gone back without disturbing you," Shizuru said, turning her head away slightly.

Yeah, that was probably a really unfortunate question. I struggled to think of something else to say in order to spite my deepening blush. "Well, it doesn't matter," I replied, smiling and doing my best to sound kind. Whatever she says, that tone really doesn't work for me. "What's up? Do you want to play with your sword again?"

"No. I had enough exercise earlier." Shizuru looked down at me, her expression ambiguous in the half-darkness.

"Okay. So what do you want?" I said patiently. My mind was already racing through some pretty unlikely scenarios. It would be nice if Shizuru could initiate something, after all. Just a talk, to start with, but perhaps she needs a serious talk because of her own feelings…

"It's just… never mind." Shizuru turned away. "I'm sorry to disturb you."

"Wait!" I winced to myself, embarrassed at saying and embarrassed at saying it so loud. "That can't be all, right?"

"I'm just being selfish again," Shizuru replied sadly. "You shouldn't concern yourself with it."

She uses that word way too much. I make enough cracks about her ego, but a little selfishness every now and again was something I liked about Shizuru. Or, if it's selfish for her to spend time with me, it really does mean she enjoys doing that a lot. If it's an indulgence to her, so am I.

"Just come in," I suggested, almost at random. But I suppose if that's the case, I should be selfish to her in the same way. She finds it hard to notice that she's actually important to me. Normally, I work hard to make that true. But maybe it's a cruel price to make her uncertainty pay for my dignity. And with that thought in mind, I smiled. "I wouldn't mind talking to you. If you have nothing else to do."

"But I'll disturb you," Shizuru began.

"It's fine. I want to be disturbed." I was flushing again, and looked down slightly, avoiding her eyes. God, I'm useless! How can I seriously consider anything deep when I can't even deal with this? "Or is it a bother?" I asked, mostly to cover myself. "I guess you want to sleep as well, right?"

There's something kinda cowardly about providing someone with a dignified way to reject you. But Shizuru simply nodded and came in, closing the door behind her. "Is it really okay?"

"It's really okay," I said firmly, fixing my attention on my blankets as I adjusted them to keep me warm. "Don't keep going on about it all the time. It's not a big deal, as I couldn't get to sleep either."

"I see," Shizuru echoed lightly.

She was dressed in her white kimono again, and again, it was pretty much thrown around her rather than worn with all the ritual. I could fix on that in the dark as she moved across the room. Luckily, the maids had cleaned up all the mess. Or would it be fairer to say that I was more careful about my rubbish because someone else would have to clean it up? Perhaps that's the secret.

Even in the darkness, it flattered her, though. Her eyes and her hair are so different from the snow-white cloth, and when she dresses like that, it's very unusual. Rather than her complete, formal elegance, there's something fascinating in the imperfection of it. Ruffled, tousled, those kind of words. It's spontaneous, or at least, makes me feel like coming here was that sort of decision. And only Shizuru can get away with being so guilelessly careless, and remaining so beautiful.

"You look like a ghost," I quipped. Perhaps that wasn't the best way of putting it.

Shizuru laughed, though, as she sat close to me in seiza. "Yurei, huh? I suppose that's not inappropriate…"

"You're hair's wrong, though." Her face was level with mine, more or less, and she was pretty close to me. I was painfully aware that I wasn't wearing much under the blankets, either. "You must be cold," I stated banally, turning my head away and looking towards the wardrobe. "You should borrow some blankets… but I guess it's hard in the dark. Perhaps if I lend you one of mine?"

"Don't worry, I can find them," Shizuru replied, standing again and crossing the room. "You should at least rest, if I'm disturbing your proper sleep."

We were under the same blankets, before. And not just _that _before, but only a few days ago. Once would be human of me, but the second time in her arms is a little like a very special carelessness.

I pushed my mouth against the blanket over my knees, feeling the soft, warm material against my skin. We hadn't talked about it, though. I suppose it would have been too awkward. But I don't like it, having things that I can't say.

Shizuru turned back, carrying a few loose blankets, and I quickly sat straighter again. "How are you feeling?" she asked, sitting down again.

"So-so, I guess," I said quietly. "I mean, my leg still hurts, but I can deal with it. It's like a ticking clock, you know… it's so constant and unchanging I guess I just tune it out after a while. When I'm still, anyway." I grimaced. "Being awake and walking around is a little different."

"It's too sad, that you got hurt for me," Shizuru said. "I should have been able to do more."

"Forget it. Like I said before, this is nothing." My left hand idly toyed with my hair as I glanced across at her. "And you?"

"As well as can be expected," Shizuru replied ambiguously.

I sighed. "Oh, really? That'll have to do, I guess…"

Shizuru looked away for a moment, wrapping the second of her two blankets over her shoulders and down her arms. It made her look kinda old, really. But at this rate, she'll catch another cold from draughty rooms alone. I can take a little inelegance, provided she's warm and safe.

"But, you know," Shizuru said quietly, when she was done. "Maybe I am a ghost. I died, didn't I?"

I could take her hand, but I poked her forehead instead. "Idiot. You can feel that, can't you? Then you're alive again."

Shizuru gave me an amused look. "Natsuki takes everything so literally…"

"Well, what other kind of meaning is there?" I grumbled, looking down.

"I'm not sure, really. It was just a thought. But, I think it's understandable for us to lack a sense of belonging. Do you get that?" Shizuru frowned slightly. "Just occasionally, I feel very distant from my parents. We've experienced some unusual things, or else we're mad."

"We're not mad, either," I said reproachfully. "Enough with the metaphysics, already."

"Sorry. I guess saying strange things so late isn't very fair…"

"That's not what I mean. Well, I understand," I said honestly, trying to find the right words. "I have the same feeling sometimes. But, it's not really new. I guess you could say that I've always felt like I'm in a different world from normal people."

"You're had a very tough life," Shizuru agreed.

I looked at her curiously. "And you? Did you ever feel the same way? I mean, you're kinda abnormal too…"

"In what sense?"

I frowned slightly, feeling awkward. "Well, you know. When normal girls got dolls for their birthday, you got horses... that kinda thing."

"A little. Fuka had a few people like me, notably Suzushiro-san. I knew her from before attending, so her background was similar and familiar. But it made me feel awkward, occasionally. Not to that degree, though."

"Oh, right," I replied.

"Later on, I felt a more complex isolation. You always remind me I have few friends, after all." Shizuru smiled sheepishly. "That's true, mostly because of that feeling of isolation."

"It's a little understandable, if it's you," I said. There was something slightly surreal about this, just as before. But I didn't mind. It was a chance to learn more about her.

"And I felt like you were involved in different things, as well," Shizuru said quietly. "This is a strange time to talk about that, though."

"It's fine," I replied automatically. "I couldn't sleep anyway, so. It's interesting, to learn more about you."

Because I also need to become a more honest person. This isn't a battle fought between us, so I shouldn't be afraid of making her smile, right?

"Really?" Shizuru said. "I'm a little surprised."

She managed to sound calm. I wish I was better at reading those inscrutable eyes. "In any case, I'm probably being hard on you, again. You did know a lot of people."

"Somewhat." Shizuru glanced at me, her eyes unreadable. "I probably shouldn't waste too much time, though, at this time of night. I told you a little of my conversation with Reito earlier, didn't I?"

I nodded.

"Well, that wasn't all of it. Or the crux of it." Shizuru gave me an awkward look, as if trapped. Her conflicted face. "On the other hand, I'm not sure whether it's being fair to tell you…"

I frowned, trying to make out her face in the dark. "Okay, now you had better tell me. You're starting to worry me."

"It's personal, and I could also be considered someone with a vested interest," Shizuru said softly. She looked away awkwardly, her face flushing softly. "I guess I'm being selfish again, after all."

"Who cares? Just tell me."

"In a manner of speaking… Reito was expressing an important opinion with reference to what lay between us, him and I, you and I." Shizuru blinked softly, apparently aware that she'd said absolutely nothing. Her habit of concealment can be cute, when it's so patently ridiculous as this. "Or. He was asking me whether I would object to it, if he pursued you. He has a notion that I should be consulted in that."

I blinked. "Pursued?"

I was up late, damnit.

Now Shizuru's right hand was tracing an awkward little circle on her knee. "Pursued, pertaining to a romantic sense."

I blinked for a moment, putting that together. "What the hell?"

"In any case, I'm not sure whether it's proper to mention this, but I wanted to," Shizuru said, her tone awkward. She turned to face me again, and tried to smile. "Natsuki is very obtuse at times, after all. It would be no good at all if you missed all his hints and interests, you'd made things very awkward for one of my guests."

Perhaps I'd object to the label 'obtuse' at some other point in time, but frankly, there were more important things to say. And now some more to think about. "Reito? Seriously?" I stopped for a moment, glaring at her. "This isn't one of your weird jokes, right? It's rather late in the day for that."

"I'm not joking," Shizuru said, her face falling slightly. "I thought you'd find it a little more natural. Natsuki is very- attractive to people like Reito, after all."

I groaned, rubbing my face with my hand. "So you're serious. God, but some random people crush on me. I barely know the guy, forget liking him."

"I think the point is that you'd come to know him, and see how things go," Shizuru said. "Mutual attraction would be sufficient for a beginning."

"Well, setting the problem of that whole 'mutual' thing aside," I said, glancing hard at her. "Honestly, that's altogether too much of a pain for me."

"Is that so?" Shizuru asked. Did she sound a little relieved? Perhaps, or perhaps I was hoping for that and no more. "You've always been slightly aloof, after all. But, you know, he is a very handsome person. It merits consideration."

I opened my mouth, intending to say something about what I thought of Reito's good looks, then decided to change tack to something altogether more interesting. "And how about you?" I prompted.

"Me?" Shizuru blinked. "Well… how would you say it… beyond my personal circumstances, I don't have a strong conviction either way. I can recognise his attractiveness in purely normal terms, but we don't actually have a personal involvement in that sense."

I tried to keep frowning through her prattle. Actually, it's very endearing to watch her struggle with euphemisms and long-windedness. Does she think I'll scream if she says "I'm gay, so" or something?

I can see why Shizuru liked doing this kind of thing to me, almost. "That's fine, but not that. I meant what did you say to him, if he asked that of you?"

"Oh," Shizuru replied, with her between-a-tank-and-Haruka's-forehead expression again. "I raised a few objections. As a friend, I should say. That he doesn't know you very well, and I'm not convinced he has the right motives, either. Though it is ultimately a matter between you two."

I frowned. What a boring answer. "I get it. And what do you actually think?"

"Well, I'm ambivalent. Or, rather, Reito's a little right in that I can't have an explicit opinion under the circumstances," Shizuru said, looking beseechingly at me.

"You can't?" I asked, feeling only a little remorseless for pressing on. "Why not?"

"Like I said, it's a matter between the two of you. I don't think it would be appropriate for me to force my opinion on either of you."

"So you'd be fine with it?" I noted sharply. "If I did date him, how would that make you feel?"

"I can accept the principle, though I have a few small reservations," Shizuru said. She frowned, looking down. "As for my own feelings, that doesn't have to be stated. It isn't particularly relevant, after all."

"Yes, it is," I said firmly. "You're very important to me, Shizuru, so your feelings matter too."

"This feels rather like a strange offensive," Shizuru said, sounding uneasy. "For myself, in some small way the outcome would show your growth and please me. My other feelings on the matter can be inferred."

"I'm stupid," I said quietly. "So, what are they?"

Shizuru gave me a pained, dark look. "I'd hate it," she replied, with a trace of sulk in her voice. "But that isn't a matter of significance."

"I see." I frowned, finally feeling a little uncertain about my dialogue. "Is it wrong to say that I appreciate that?"

"Your appreciation is appreciated," Shizuru said in a small voice. She fell sideways and turned away from me, wrapping her blankets about herself.

I frowned at her for a moment, feeling my heart beat a little faster. She was very close to me, after all. And it's not like I don't understand the situation.

_I'm glad of that, and I can't accept his feelings, because my feelings have changed. Or I know them better. Because I care for you the same way._

I can't simply say that, though. Partly for myself, though it feels like cheating a child to deny her affection after that conversation. But also for her sake, as well, which means I seriously can't make a mistake. That would be the cruellest thing I could to do her, after all.

Instead, I lay down myself, turning my body to face her. Very close. That thought, and the way our bodies were aligned, made me blush hotly in the dark. But I kept my voice clear. "All the same, most likely, I'll just reject him. I don't see him like that, and I'm not sure that I can."

"I see."

"Do you think he was serious, though?" I asked, to forestall any silence. "Or was this just a whim?"

"I don't know," Shizuru said, a little less sulkily. "He didn't seem serious, at least. But with him, it's very hard to tell when he is and when he isn't."

"A little like you," I said lightly. "In any case… I'll take care of it. So you don't need to worry about it."

"I wasn't worrying about it specifically," Shizuru said. "I just thought you should know. That's all."

I could reach out, if I wanted, and hold her shoulder, or touch her hair. Could I? Should I? What would she say? I'm not sure, but it's a lingering temptation. Partly to reassure her, but partly because I'm curious. What would that feel like? Would it make my decisions easier to make, or harder?

But what would she think? I don't want to give her the wrong impression, unless I do. Or is doing nothing the wrong impression? God, this stuff is hard.

"Thanks," I replied, after a few moments thought. "I appreciate it, Shizuru. I'm glad you're still looking out for me."

"Not at all." She sounded a little surprised.

"And, whatever else, you shouldn't stop that," I suggested. "It's not like I distrust you. Actually, you're the one person I definitely trust to always have my best interest in mind."

"There's no way you should be able to say that of me," Shizuru murmured.

"That again?" I prodded her playfully in the neck. "It's too late to talk about gloomy things."

"Yes. You're right." Shizuru said nothing for a moment, then spoke again. "You know, talking briefly of something else, but… I had an important conversation today. Not that one."

"Really?" I said, trying to work that out without asking.

"It was for her sake, but it was also a reminder." Shizuru paused for a moment. "Though I'm not wrong in saying that I'm the worst… and I'm still bearing your forgiveness in mind, as well… even among the Hime, I'm not unique. They also have their own fears and their own regrets, things they truly wish they had never done, and outcomes they hate. They have to bear with that as well."

Probably, Shiho. Right?

"Yeah. That's right," I said sincerely. "None of us are free from that, you know." I frowned. "Well, maybe Mikoto, but she doesn't count…"

Shizuru snorted. "Of course. But, it was a reminder. And in a way, it's too sad to see her like that, after all." She took a long breath, saying nothing for a moment. "That's why, I'm promising myself. I'm going to try harder, from now on. I can't let her stay like that forever, so I can't be the same way myself. Though perhaps I don't deserve it, but-"

"Since when has deserving had anything to do with anything?" I suggested. "We didn't deserve to be Hime. And, also, you didn't deserve some things, as well." I blinked. "I mean that in a good way. Like, the way I ignored you so much."

Shizuru chuckled again. "I see. I appreciate the sentiment."

"Your appreciation is appreciated," I said, striking a light tone again. "But you're right. I think it's a good idea."

"I'll do what I can." Shizuru sighed, and took another breath. She was probably very tired, after all.

I wasn't sure what came next, but I felt like I should try as well. In her own small way, this is Shizuru's courage, so… I can't just do nothing. "But, you know," I said, my words feeling strangely hard in my mouth. "It's a little strange, when you have your back to me all the time. Can't I at least look at your face?"

I was afraid she'd sit up again, but she didn't. Instead, she turned over, and suddenly we were staring at each other across the floor between us. Her red eyes held mine, with that trembling intensity that is wholly hers. My heart lurched, and somehow I couldn't move my head. It felt like if I looked elsewhere, I'd see her lips, or other things. Even the curve of her nose and the way strands of brown hair fell over her face were clear and haunting in the dark. So I just looked into those eyes.

"I'm sorry," Shizuru said softly.

I wasn't quite sure what she meant, but it wasn't really important. "That's fine," I said softly.

My hand could frame her face.

"You are still so very memorable," Shizuru whispered, her lips barely articulating the words. She held my gaze for a moment later, then sat up. Her breath came fast, tiredness plain on her face.

For a wild moment, with merely half a thought, my hand moved to take her own. But I stopped it, laying it awkwardly against the floor.

I'm such a coward, after all.

The moment lost, Shizuru stood. She pulled the blankets from around her. "Are you cold?"

"A little," I lied.

She knelt, and draped them over me. Her eyes seemed sad, as ever, but her smile was kind. "Good night, Natsuki."

"Good night," I replied, letting my eyes linger on her face. My stray hand twitched, bringing the new blankets a little closer to my neck. "Shizuru."

She turned and walked away, stopping briefly by the door. "Thank you for everything."

A moment later, she was gone, and I was left alone in the darkness again.

I can't have the feeling you want me to have.

Yesterday's absolute is what lays between us today. When I said that, I meant it with a kind but final certainty. So am I just mistaken now? With so little certainty, is this any more than a delusion? I'm trying so hard to understand her, and I'm trying so hard to make her feel better. And I am still desperate for warmth, any kind of affection to call my own. Perhaps I'm just reinventing myself and my feelings. Isn't it a little cool, to be gay and in love? In a strange way, a little different, and I've always loved to be that. And her feelings are an expectation I'd like to meet. Shouldn't love be easier than this, too? She's hurt me and deceived me, and I've used her and abandoned her, so how can love spring from something like that? Isn't it just a childish fantasy I'm wrapping round myself, in order to pretend that I'm fulfilled, and that we can have a happy ending?

No. My beating heart, my flushing cheeks, and this warmth inside, none of that can be explained away with such things. I remember your voice and your face and your breath mingling with mine, and your rich, emotional eyes. And these are feelings that linger even after you're gone.

I adjusted the blankets, closing my eyes. Well, perhaps the warmth could be explained away, after all.

Even so, I understand more, now. Night after night, you experienced this, didn't you? You didn't even have my certainty, the knowledge of my feelings. Or if you did, it was the wrong certainty, the one that told of rejection and separation, pain and sadness. And it must have been very hard, while I never concerned myself with knowing. You didn't have Mai, either. You bore this strange, haunting and uncertain feeling alone.

I don't want to learn, as you did, the pain of being unable to say the one thing you want to say the most.

So, wait for me. One day, surely, I'll be able to clearly articulate the way I feel about you. Perhaps, more than any actual outcome, that's the important thing for us both.


	43. Chapter 43

**Windows of the Soul: Part Forty-Three**

Interestingly, opinions were mixed on the current pacing of Natsuki's growth. While I'm slow, by all means, I would emphasise the degree to which Hime-Shiznat is a problem pairing. Certainly memorable, but why on earth is yuri hardwired to 'lolebilraep' in the minds of directors everywhere? It's an unhappy situation...

* * *

I've learned some interesting things about sleep, or rather, the lack thereof. Broadly, it's delayed. My feeling of exhaustion and weakness today is the product of the day before yesterday. And so I can also say with certainty that regardless of when I go to sleep tonight, I will feel terrible tomorrow.

I guess I'm learning new things, if nothing else.

Even then, vivid dreams and dizzy half-awakening can suck much of sleep's healing power away. I was going through that again, as I often do. As I returned to consciousness, just resting my body and breathing, I couldn't remember a thing, save that I had been dreaming vividly. I think there was blood. But details thankfully elude me. These dreams are better, I suppose, than the ones I so completely and violently remember.

There was someone sitting close by, though. They were probably waiting for me, so I couldn't afford to just cling to sleep idly. I rolled over, rubbing my eyes and trying to clean them. "Who is it? Natsuki?"

"I'm sorry, Ojou-sama, but it is just me. I believe Kuga-san is also still sleeping."

"Hideko," I murmured, twisting my head and burying half my face in the pillow again. "What time is it?"

"I was instructed to make sure you slept until rising became necessary," Hideko said briefly. "Please don't worry about it. I will wake you when it is, indeed, necessary."

"That means it's late," I complained, pushing myself up forcefully before my exhaustion stopped me. "So, what time is it?"

Hideko checked her watch. "Twenty-five to eleven, Ojou-sama."

I groaned, putting a hand over my right eye. "You know, I've stopped bothering with surprise at the decadence you all force upon me. I know that Otou-sama isn't home, at least, he wouldn't forgive me for such laziness."

"You're still not over the illness, and have gone through a traumatic experience," Hideko said patiently. "I'm given to understand that Shinri-sama has deferred to Viola-sama's firm belief that you should use this time to rest. That's the most conscientious thing for you to do at this point in time."

"I'm sure," I replied idly. I looked down and frowned. Still wearing the white kimono. "Hideko, please help me dress. I want to be presentable by eleven at the latest."

"As you say, Ojou-sama," Hideko said politely. "I have already laid out a few different clothing combinations for you to consider. Perhaps you could make a decision in due course, while I tend to your hair."

"Very well. Thank you for your hard work." I shook my hair out vigorously, slapping my cheeks to wake myself up a little more. "And Natsuki?"

Hideko lead me deftly towards the dresser. "As I said, Kuga-san is most likely still asleep. A household maid is waiting on her for now, though if she is still asleep when I am finished here, I can attend to her myself."

I placed my hands on the smooth wood, supporting my own weight as I stared into the mirror. "Understood. And everyone else?"

"They are up and about. I believe Viola-sama expressed an interest in entertaining some of your friends today, for as long as they are patient with her." Hideko ran a hand through my hair, searching for tangles. "Shinri-sama is at work, as you predicted. I had forgotten, but he works very hard."

"Okasama too," I said reproachfully. "Just in a different way." I took a long breath, feeling a little dizzy. Yeah, I'd really been pushing it again. But it's not my fault. It feels like staying up that late is the only way we can have a private conversation now.

"Of course. That's also why it's impressive that she can spare time for the others. She was very worried about you, as well."

"She's very good at making me feel guilty," I said, sighing slightly. "But it can't be helped. I wish she wouldn't decide things like this for herself, though. I feel like I'm failing as a host."

Hideko's reflection looked amused, but she didn't comment on it. "That's not true as all. If you need to rest, you do. It's understood by all that you can't be expected to be at your best self. And, more importantly, you can leave everything to Viola-sama and us. It's our role to look after such small things conscientiously when you and the rest of the family have more important things to worry about." She picked up a comb.

"I suppose so," I admitted weakly. "But it does worry me. They can be something of a handful, as Otousama discovered."

"It's been a while since Shinri-sama was injured," Hideko remarked. "Or so I'm told, anyway. But he doesn't appear to bear any grudge, while the girl was contrite."

"That's hardly the point, though," I replied. "Mikoto-chan has many admirable qualities, but her energy can be difficult."

"Rest easy, as we're growing used to it. By all accounts, again, this house has withstood worse guests." Hideko stepped back, studying her handiwork. "Of course, I'm only a lady's maid. But I'm sure there isn't anything to worry about. More importantly, how is Natsuki… Kuga-san? We're worried about her as we are with Ojou-sama, far more so than we're concerned about Minagi-chan."

"As far as I can tell, she's the same as ever," I replied tiredly. I turned my head, considering the clothes that Hideko had picked out. I've always wondered where and when Okasama buys all of them, even when I'm away. "She doesn't appear to resent me for getting her involved, or for the injury she incurred. She's kind and strong."

"Certainly. Kuga-san is surprisingly earnest, for all her affected manner. It's rather reminiscent." Hideko stepped back. "Personally, I favour the summer dress and stockings. The combination emphasises your legs, which is entirely to your favour."

I smirked. "I almost miss the days when I simply wore a school uniform and was done with it. But I shouldn't keep you from your craft. Let me see." I looked at my reflection thoughtfully as she picked up the dress and held it against me. "The neckline is a little daring for casual wear, don't you think?"

"I wouldn't say so. It is decent, and anything more formal would be too stifling."

I frowned. "I suppose you're right. There's no need to take myself too seriously, and no risk. Both Tate-kun and Reito are accounted for, in intent or in fact."

"Minagi-kun as well?" Hideko asked curiously, beginning to undress me.

"I'm being indiscreet," I said quietly. "I shouldn't say any more."

Hideko frowned. "Kuga-san? Or a girl I am not acquainted with?"

"Like I said, I shouldn't speak of it. I'm sorry."

"Not at all. I was the one being too forwards. Please forgive me." Hideko put the kimono aside. "But I'm not surprised. Minagi-kun is a boy of some charms."

"So people say," I replied heavily. "In any case, it's a trivial point."

"More importantly, are you feeling well, Ojou-sama? You shouldn't have so many worries in your condition."

"I'm not so badly off that I can't take responsibility for my own affairs," I replied dryly.

Hideko nodded. "As you say, Ojou-sama."

She fell silent, and I regarded her reflection. "You know, you've been in better spirits now than you were before," I said after a few seconds.

"Hmm? I suppose so," Hideko replied, trying to sound neutral. "Though I have always held up."

"Glad to be back with the rest of the household?" I probed.

"Glad that Ojou-sama is back with the rest of the household," Hideko replied deftly. "It suits you, like the stockings."

"I suppose home should always be defined as somewhere one suits," I said. "It's a little different right now, though, especially with the guests I have thrust upon you all in a rather unilateral way."

"It's interesting, isn't it?" Hideko offered. "At least, that's my opinion."

"I'm inclined to agree. I'm hoping Otousama will show good humour, after all." I chuckled. "I'm ever hopeful, after all."

"It's too bad that this time is going to be so short," Hideko said quietly. She stepped back, admiring her handiwork. "Perhaps ribbons in your hair?"

"No ribbons," I said firmly. "I'm not a child Okasama can dandle any more, and only such children can get away with it."

"As you wish." Hideko frowned, adjusting my dress subtly. "But is a shame. These weeks feel too short, after all this time."

"You're right, of course," I agreed quietly. Yes, I shouldn't forget. A month could be a long time, but it would pass. And as well as my parents, Natsuki as well… that was an inevitable separation she couldn't simply reject by following after me. It was a little saddening to remember that, when things were going so well.

"Is there anything else, Ojou-sama?" Hideko asked politely.

"No. Let's go and wake Natsuki," I suggested.

"As you wish." Hideko smiled at me as I turned. "I appreciate it, though. It's been some time since we last talked like this, Ojou-sama."

"Is that so?" I asked, frowning cautiously. Well, I supposed that wasn't wrong.

"That's so," Hideko said lightly. She waited for me to walk past her, then followed me out of the door.

I opened the door, peaking cautiously in. "As I thought, she's still asleep."

"Shall we leave her be?" Hideko suggested. "It looks like she hasn't rested for long enough either."

I considered for a moment. "It's tempting, but I think she might respond as I do. Besides, I'm still selfish from time to time. This is the least of it." I took a step forwards, frowned, then stopped. "Please take care of it, Hideko. I will wait outside until she is ready."

Hideko nodded. "As you say, Ojou-sama. Shall I call for breakfast as well?"

I shook my head. "It will keep. As will all the rest, to forestall your next suggestion. I'll just wait quietly here."

Hideko nodded again, stepping inside. I took a few steps away, turning and leaning against the wall. My breath was slightly ragged, and my forehead burned. I touched it with an idle hand. Once again, I really wasn't at my best. Hopefully, I wasn't pushing myself to the point where I'd become ill again. So I closed my eyes and tried to rest my head a little.

I always do push myself for my pride. Maybe I should fill guilty for doing the same thing for Natsuki… but she's the same, after all. So I don't particularly regret it.

"Please wake up, Kuga-san."

Natsuki murmured something unintelligible. I sighed slightly, trying to block out the sound. These doors are too thin, after all. It doesn't bode well for those conversations that should have remained behind them. And for my part, it was better if I didn't here. Or, rather, it would be better if I wasn't here at all. Or, perhaps, I should have woken her myself. Instead of choosing such a decisive option, I'm just waiting here, in this awkward way. I've been bothering her too much already, but I'm bothering her again. If I was just a friend, I could go inside and talk to her. And if I was her lover, I could go inside and talk to her. I'm neither and I can't walk away. This all feels circular, and far too easily reminds me of our awkwardly confused relationship. I use the strongest words I can, but my resolution hasn't obliterated my emotions. And my imagination alone can create pictures of what I'd already decided to avoid.

And for Natsuki's part, she yawned, rose, grumbled and was dressed. She didn't object or question any of that, though she asked after the time, and the others, and me. Hideko simply said that I was up, and they were amicable enough to each other. Perhaps she's become accustomed to my lifestyle, or at least the people involved in it. I don't know. But until she was ready, I waited, and tried not to eavesdrop in a vulgar way. It's a little ridiculous how I was irritated by her usual pouting-playful complaints directed at someone else.

I guess no one said that these things had to make sense, after all.

All of that makes is pretty irrelevant when she stepped out of her room and spotted me. "Shizuru? What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for Natsuki," I said patiently, glancing sidelong at her. "Grey and black? Could it be that you're being a little playful, Hideko?"

"That's a strange accusation, Ojou-sama," Hideko replied, all affronted dignity. "I'm simply dressing her well, as you'd expect of me."

"Just how long have you been waiting?" Natsuki demanded irritably. "Or, more importantly, are you actually dressed yet? Or is that a strange night-gown?"

"That's also a strange accusation," Hideko grumbled.

"Occasionally, I wear dresses," I said politely. "I know this may come as a shock to you, after my usual attire, and your own. I couldn't say how I look in them, but you did look well enough yesterday. This is something similar."

Natsuki frowned. "Yeah, but it wasn't quite that… was it?"

"It was much the same." I smiled gently. "Actually, Natsuki is an unexpected prude. I'm rather surprised. Or can't I carry it off, after all?"

"It's not that," Natsuki said evasively. "But… no, more importantly, why are we talking about clothes again? With you people, it's always clothes, clothes, clothes! I'm not a girly girl, so it drives me mad!"

"We don't intend to offend, but is an important function of mine," Hideko said easily. "More importantly, can I trouble you for your sincere opinion? I feel I can count on Kuga-san to be honest."

"Well, it looks good," Natsuki admitted, with a put-upon expression. "It's just the stockings are a bit- well, anyway, I'm no expert. Ask Mai or someone, and stop bugging me about it!"

I chuckled. "That's fine. I had my own reservations, but I've come to like it. More importantly, of course, you look wonderful as well."

Natsuki flushed, turning her head away. "So, what?"

"So I'm congratulating Hideko on her excellent work," I said playfully. "It's an important thing to do. In any case, we should probably go and eat."

"If that is everything, I will notify the cooks," Hideko said politely, bowing her head again.

"That would be much appreciated. We will, most likely, be in Okasama's lounge. Thank you for everything." I stood, smiling at Natsuki. "Well? Shall we?"

"You know, I have no moral objection to eating breakfast in the morning," Natsuki said, with just a touch of sarcasm.

"I'm glad." We walked side by side. She's learned the layout of much of the house, by now.

"God, I'm still tired. I really feel like I should be entitled to more rest in the holidays, you know," Natsuki complained. "But if everyone else is up, it can't be helped."

"I thought you'd prefer this to sleeping through half the day," I said. "Though if you object to it, I'll apologise."

"No, it's fine. You've always made a habit of dragging me out of bed in the mornings." Natsuki frowned at me. "More importantly, how long have you been up?"

"Not so long, myself," I replied evasively.

"And how long were waiting out there, anyway?"

"I wonder."

Natsuki sighed. "Idiot. You should have come in, at least, even if you have to look somewhere else. I'm not that sensitive."

"I just wanted Hideko's hard work to be a surprise, that's all," I said playfully. "As I thought, it was worth the wait."

"If you say so," Natsuki said. "I'm still getting used to the idea that I'm wearing your clothes. Isn't that too strange?"

"Not really. I haven't worn very many of them, after all." I smiled at her. "In fact, I might give you some of them. If it meant more chances to see you dressed like this, it would be a fair price to pay."

"You know, I wouldn't wear this stuff if I had a choice. It isn't my style. Give me a good pair of jeans any day." Natsuki shrugged. "I should have had Mai bring some more of my own clothes."

"It's good to try something different, isn't it?" I suggested.

"Maybe," Natsuki said grudgingly. "But only if you promise to wear jeans at some point, damnit! That would be very interesting."

I shrugged. "Very well. I'll try that. It could be fun."

"And more importantly, why are we talking about clothes again?" Natsuki demanded. "This house is crazy! I refuse to become a walking stereotype!"

"You shouldn't be so sensitive. Isn't a stereotype." I smirked. "I'm just imitating Okasama, who's always steadfastly refused to be just a housewife. Or even just a businesswoman defining herself as not a housewife."

"Alright, alright," Natsuki replied. "I wasn't very serious, anyway. It just feels kinda awkward that we aren't talking about anything else."

"Well, I'll apologise for that," I said. "What do you want to talk about?"

Natsuki scowled. "I don't know, if you throw it back at me so suddenly. That's not fair."

I giggled. "I'm sorry. But you're right if you're saying I'm being original. I'll be a good host, and try to think of something more interesting."

"You're in a good mood," Natsuki complained.

"Am I? I suppose so." I scratched my cheek thoughtfully, stopping by the door and glancing over my shoulder at her. "You know, I'd actually forgotten that I should be miserable. Sorry about that. I'll get right on that."

Natsuki groaned. "That's not what I was implying! And enough with the sarcastic apologies, already!"

"I'm never sarcastic, you know," I said, opening the door and stepping through.

"So, what happened?" Natsuki asked, following me.

I don't know. But it feels like maybe today can be a good day, after all. Natsuki was being cute, and somehow my usual dark feelings didn't spring to mind. Nor did my tiredness, though I've recalled it now. Even with a distance of a few feet, the difference between waiting for her and being by her side is complete, after all.

"Nothing much," I said ambiguously, looking up and smiling. "Good morning, Ka-sama. I'm surprised you aren't working right now."

"I've decided to be bad, and send a few hours relaxing," Okasama replied. "You'll have to forgive me."

"Good morning, both of you," Reito said, turning his head and looking at us. "I hope you slept well."

Shiho, the other unexpected person, was reading her manga, and didn't so much as look up. But I suppose I shouldn't expect anything else from a shy child like her.

"Is it okay?" I asked diplomatically. "Or are we interrupting something?"

"Not at all," Okasama replied. "Please sit down."

Natsuki shot Reito a dark look, before sitting on the sofa, keeping a healthy distance between them. He gallantly moved, allowing me to sit in the middle. "Shouldn't you be looking after Mikoto, or something? It would bad if she broke anything else."

"Mai-san and Tate-kun are with her right now," Reito replied easily. "Apparently, that isn't a problem for them."

"You shouldn't worry, I've already congratulated her," Saaya said innocently. She was standing behind Okasama, leaning on the top of the sofa. "It's been quite some time since Shinri got hit like that, so I'm looking forwards to more interesting events from her."

"You shouldn't say that to them, Saaya," Okasama reproached innocently. "You might give them all bad ideas."

"How was Otousama?" I asked. "Was he okay in the morning?"

"He's gone to work, again," Okasama said to me. "I'm afraid he's being too stubborn, as usual. Honestly, Shizuru, between the two of you I have a very hard time of things. It's more than a kind person like me can stand."

"That didn't stop her from laughing out loud at the story, though," Saaya deadpanned.

"Saaya! Don't say indiscreet things!"

"Sorry, Viola, but my mother taught me to be honest," Saaya said, smiling slightly.

"You're the only one," Natsuki said. When I glanced at her, though, her lips were quirked into a smile. "But you should have been there, you know. It was amazing. Kenjutsu my ass."

"To be fair to Shinri-san, it was a surprise attack," Reito said. "Of course, I expect no less of my sister, either."

"These things do us all a little good, from time to time," Okasama said, smiling. "Though I should also say that I shouldn't say any more."

"In any case, you're both dressed very nicely," Saaya said, regarding us thoughtfully. "I should congratulate Hideko, she's come on pretty well while she was away."

"She has a lot to work with," Natsuki retorted, folding her arms.

Viola snorted, looking amused. "That's true. We have a big wardrobe here."

So much for modesty. "I think clothes are off-limits right now, as a topic of conversation," I remarked. "I rather overused it with poor Natsuki earlier. She's always been shy, for all her special hobbies."

Natsuki shot me a killer look, while Reito raised his hands and sighed. "It's too bad. I was also going to compliment her. But it can't be helped, I guess."

"Well, taking both kenjutsu and dressing to be off-limits for now, I can make a related point," Okasama said. "How are you feeling, Natsuki-chan? Putting the unfortunate incident aside as not to be spoken of, have you been fitting in with our little household?"

"I object to little," Natsuki said. "I guess that's not the point, though. Frankly, you're all mad. But so is Shizuru. I'm used to it."

Okasama laughed. "I see. I'll accept that, then."

"This is why I like her," Saaya said innocently. "She's another honest girl."

"I think your honesty has a little more artifice to it, but I'll let it be," Okasama said.

"Just as long as you can forgive us for the clothes issue," I said, glancing playfully at her. "We're all aesthetes at heart."

"I'm sure," Natsuki said. She folded her arms. "Regardless, I get why Shizuru is Shizuru now. You've even spoiled me to a ridiculous degree, and I'm dangerously close to getting used to it. And for welcoming me even uninvited, I do owe you a lot of thanks."

"Not at all. I'll thank you for making our lives far more lively," Okasama said. "Not to mention everything we owe you concerning Shizuru, such as her life. I just wish I could think of a fitting recompense for that, but regardless, it is us who remain indebted to you."

"Don't make a big deal out of it," Natsuki replied. "I was just doing what I wanted to do. If I'd run away, I'd just be scum."

I watched her, and she didn't blink or turn away, looking steadily at Okasama's barely seeing eyes. But Saaya was watching as well, and smiling. She can be surprisingly strong from time to time, and it always impresses me.

"I wouldn't say that, but I won't disagree either," Okasama said. "I'm very glad, mind, that Shizuru should be worth you risking yourself to such a degree. Or am I mistaking your altruism for a personal attachment?"

"I don't know. I'm not a good person or anything." Natsuki snorted. "More to the point, that's enough. Like I said, put more mayo on the menu and we can call it quits."

"It just doesn't go with Japanese dishes, though," Okasama said lightly. "It's a little difficult for us. Western clothes and western furniture is one thing, but this is something else altogether."

"Just ask Mai. I'm sure she could handle it." Natsuki leaned back, closing her eyes. "Anyway, I'm not complaining too much. The food is still awesome."

"We're glad we have your appreciation," I said, regarding her fondly. "More to the point, our breakfast should arrive soon. I hope you'll excuse my rudeness, Ka-sama. I missed our formal breakfast, as well."

"Not at all. I'm only offended insofar as you're up earlier than I would have liked," Okasama said.

"On that note, I was a little upset," I said reproachfully. "I'm used to being woken in time, and I'm no longer so ill that it's a huge issue."

"With all due respect, you are," Okasama said, quietly but firmly. "You need sleep, and after that incident and your sickness, you should be especially conscientious about your health. I wouldn't accept anything else."

I bowed my head slightly. "As you say, Ka-sama."

"Relax, Shizuru," Natsuki said lazily. "It's fine, isn't it? It's not like we're working too hard right now. Or at all."

"That reminds me," Reito remarked suddenly. "How is your studying going, Natsuki-san?"

Natsuki blinked. "Studying?"

I leaned back, looking sidelong at Shiho. She was sitting a little apart, as usual. If I'm any judge, she was reading a shoujo manga. The beautiful guys and flowers were suggestive of that. Otherwise it was something in a genre I'm sure I don't even know the name of.

"To ensure you can progress normally next year," Reito prompted. "Shizuru-san told me about it, a little."

She's always working hard to keep herself apart, I suppose. But that's another reason why I should continue to smile, without recalling my many towering worries. If she can see that I have no regrets, it might be easier for her.

"Oh, that? Well, we worked really hard at the start of the holiday. Kinda. But things came up, damnit!" Natsuki said forcefully. "It's just outright unreasonable to expect anything else! Are you stupid or what?"

"I didn't say anything," Reito protested, raising his hands.

I leaned forwards slightly. "Is that good?"

There was a moment's pause. "Of course."

I tried not to smile. "I see. That's good. How many did you manage to bring?"

"Huh?" Everyone else was looking at her now, which I found vaguely amusing. It looked like Shiho might even have been a little embarrassed, though she was doing her best to hide that fact.

"I'm assuming that you'll get through just one pretty quickly," I pointed out.

"Twenty-four," Shiho said. "So?"

"You're certainly well-organised. That's rather impressive," I said lightly.

"You know, Shizuru has never taken to manga," Okasama complained. "It's a big problem for me, because I can't borrow them about the house while retaining a good excuse."

"You know, I might have kept them all at school," I said innocently.

"And did you?" Saaya prompted.

"Not really," Natsuki completed, sighing. "I looked when I was in her room this one time. It's all the boring stuff she reads to be cultured."

"I read all that for pleasure," I protested. "Some of it, anyway."

"If it's you, you don't need to read manga anyway," Shiho said shortly. "You already have that kind of life without needing to read about it. Lucky you." She closed the volume she was holding. "Anyway, I'm going to find Mikoto."

"That's a good idea," Reito said agreeably. "I think I'll do the same thing."

Shiho sniffed, standing and turning away. "If you like. See you later."

"Have fun," Okasama said brightly, waving to her.

"I'll also take my leave. It has been a pleasure to talk with you some more." Reito bowed slightly. "Until next time."

As ever, we waited decorously for them to leave earshot. Natsuki, also naturally, didn't bother to wait until Reito was out of range. "Did he do that to piss her off, or what?"

"I don't think so," I replied diplomatically. "But it's hard to tell at times. He may sincerely be worried about Mikoto, too. I'm not sure." I sighed, coiling a lock of my hair round an idle finger. "Even so, Shiho-chan's a little troubling."

"She's genuinely contrary, but at least she's reliable," Saaya suggested flippantly. "Of course, I'm not particularly in a position to comment. What do you think, Natsuki-chan?"

"She's stubborn and annoying. But it's not like there's anything to worry about," Natsuki replied shortly. "Mikoto's taken an interest as well, for whatever reason. I suppose she feels that they have things in common."

"I'm more interested in Kanzaki-kun, though," Okasama said thoughtfully. She brought her hands together, glancing at me. "He's very earnest, that boy. He works rather hard to win our favour, don't you think?"

I blinked. "Really? You, too, Ka-sama?"

"Just a little. He's a polite conversationalist, but it's unusual for a teenage boy to seek out polite conversation when he could be doing anything else." Okasama shrugged lightly. "Perhaps I'm being a little uncharitable."

"Probably not," Natsuki said shortly. "He's slimy."

I sighed. "You're very unkind. Though he has his weaknesses, Reito shares many common characteristics with me. I know him quite well, and what he does isn't anything I wouldn't do. It's natural, is it not?"

Okasama nodded. "You're right, of course. And while I'm musing on the artifice of the thing, I'm not challenging the outcome. He's quite an impressive boy, all told."

"More to the point, he's not bad at shutting up either," Saaya said playfully. "Don't you think that's a valuable skill?"

I chuckled. "As you both say, I suppose. Don't concern yourself with it, though. I suspect that he is simply being himself, and civil for its own sake."

Okasama nodded thoughtfully. "Quite. Incidentally, Shizuru, which manner do you prefer? Kanzaki-kun's method, or Natsuki-chan's?"

Natsuki snorted. "Why do I have to be compared to that bastard?"

"It's difficult to give an easy answer, especially under this circumstance," I replied evasively. "Why do you ask?"

"She's just asking about your preferences," Saaya remarked, resting her head on her hands and smirking. "You must prefer one personality type or the other, after all."

"Well, I value them both," I said steadily. "For someone like me, Natsuki's bluntness is engaging and sometimes necessary. But I can also communicate very well with Reito, because of our world-views. I wouldn't be confident in picking between them."

"A tedious answer," Saaya complained. Natsuki was steadfastly looking the other way, feigning complete disinterest in the conversation.

Okasama smiled, though. "I see. Both interest me, as well. Of course, you're more important, Natsuki-chan."

"I'm grateful," Natsuki said dryly. "I'll be sure to tell him that clearly."

"And his manner is a little diffuse. I think it better serves women, after all." Okasama gave me a thoughtful look. "Perhaps that's why he doesn't have a girlfriend."

"Personally, I do place some value on more assertive personalities," I agreed steadily.

We ate breakfast, after that, and talked of other things. I didn't dismiss that conversation, though. It is never wise to underestimate Okasama.


	44. Chapter 44

**Windows of the Soul: Part Forty-Four**

With reference to research, I do what I regard is sufficent for the story I want to tell. I often screw up, and I'm very lazy about changing what's written. When there's specific points raised, though, I'll always bear them in mind for future. For example, this chapter's Tate goes off a review and rewatching some of his key moments. He's not there, I think, but better.

And with reference to Viola, my feeling is that she's the new Shizuru of the story. An ambiguous figure. If that's so, this chapter may be her episode 21...

* * *

"But, you know, I was surprised," Tate remarked irritably. "Fujino-san is pretty strong. I never knew she did this stuff."

"It's all part of the family obsession, or something," I said. My gaze wandered over the landscape of the garden from where we were sitting, right on the edge. "You shouldn't sulk, though. She's good at everything, right? That's just who she is."

"And that's what's annoying!" Tate continued. "I can accept the grades and the council presidency and even the horde of fangirls, but when she's waving that bokken around she's really usurping my territory!"

"He's been going on about this since last night, you know," Mai said, smiling. "I think he feels his manhood's been insulted."

"So, what? All girls are weak?" I asked, glaring at him. "I'll kick your ass!"

"Not that, and not her skill either, but she doesn't look strong," Tate said. "And as a woman, as well, there should be a real difference. But at the very least, she should look different! It's downright unfair!"

I snorted. "You're just bitter because she basically kicked your ass."

"We were performing kata!" Tate said, glaring at me. "Kata! That's just memorising a bunch of motions, you know. At least in kendo you fight properly as well! If it was a real fight, I could take her."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm sure. You know, actually, I'd like to see that. I'll ask her at some point… but first, she's scheduled to fight her father. The guy who didn't even deign to look at you."

"Now, now," Mai said. "Let's not take these things personally. Besides, what of Mikoto?"

"Mikoto's just a freak of nature," Tate said, waving a hand. "Statistically, she doesn't actually exist."

"I'm sure that's of great comfort to the old bastard," I said.

"That's the thing, though," Tate said. "This is all because of those damn bogus powers! You sure you guys can't do the thing with all the sparkles and flames any more?"

"No!" I snapped. "Otherwise you'd already be a giant icicle, I'm sure." I surreptitiously flexed my right hand, thinking about materialisation again. But where it had been an instinctive nervous action before, something like moving an extra arm, it was gone now. The arm had been cut off, for want of a better metaphor, and it wouldn't come back from just an idle thought.

"It's an interesting question, though. Mikoto has kept a little of her abnormal physicality." Mai leaned back. "But, to be honest, I don't really care. It's a bright day, isn't it? We shouldn't talk about depressing things."

"Tch. You know I'm right, though." Tate rubbed the back of his neck, stretching. "And with the shinai, as well. She's always so damn patronising. That hasn't changed."

"She doesn't patronise you if you're actually her equal," I said irritably. "That was her politeness, despite the fact that, you know, it would be bloody stupid to let an amateur perform kata with a bokken. If you don't like it, get better. In the meantime, stop whining. You're hardly a man."

"Hey, at least I'm not whipped!" Tate retorted. "And however you put it, she still teases you."

"That's affection! They're different things!"

"If you two don't shut up, I'll tell Mikoto to beat you into submission," Mai said amicably. "Especially you, Yuichi. You should just accept quietly that you've been beaten by a girl."

"I have not been beaten at anything! Why the hell do people keep saying that?"

"Well, you do keep going on about it," I pointed out, rubbing my forehead. "If you don't think that, why the complaints? Pisses me off."

"I'm saying it because everyone else things I've been beaten at something," he said swiftly. "And Reito, too. Senpai or not, but his attitude is pretty terrible. Kenjutsu this and that, all just to suck up to the old man."

"Yes, yes," Mai said placidly. "This conversation ends here. You've already told me, after all."

"Tch. On Reito, at least, he makes half a point," I said. Shizuru's warning, too. I'd decided not to tell Mai about that, just yet. I had a feeling that she'd make the situation increasingly uncomfortable for me. "He's been sucking up to all the family. It's pretty annoying."

"He may be, or he might not, but you shouldn't encourage this idiot," Mai said playfully. "And to be fair, he'll need to continue doing that just to make up for Mikoto's little indiscretion. Honestly, she can be a little hopeless at times."

"You say that now, but you know you found it hilarious really," I said dismissively. "I know I did. She can achieve the greatness of genius or idiocy… or something."

"All the same, we're guests in a very privileged position. And when I taught her rudimentary manners, I didn't think I'd have to specifically forbid her from giving the host a black eye." Mai sighed. "I'll have to apologise again, when he returns from work. I'll see if I can think of a way to make it up to him."

"Forget it," I advised, leaning back slightly and looking up at the blue sky. "If it's that bastard, there's no need. As far as I can tell, he's not going to care for long. He's too arrogant for that, and it wouldn't be Fujino-like, or something."

"Really?" Mai asked nervously. "But, even so…"

"Plus people with pretences to swordplay don't like being reminded of taking hits from teenagers," Tate remarked. "She's right. Just let him forget about it, or whatever."

I snorted. "You know, that's the second time in five minutes that we've actually agreed on something. It makes me feel kinda sick."

"What?" Tate glared at me. "And here was me, trying to support you. You're hopeless."

"You're both hopeless, because you take yourselves and each other far too seriously," Mai said deftly. "But in this case, I suppose you're advice isn't bad. I'll ask Fujino-san what she thinks later, too."

"I can do that," I said. "Even if it's me, though, I don't expect a very straight answer. More importantly, she's gone off with Reito again. She should stop, already!"

"I think that's a coincidence," Mai said. She glanced sidelong at me, smirking. "Or are you worried?"

"Yes, I'm worried!" I snapped back. "I'm worried that the two most diffuse, ambiguous, manipulative and nonsensical people I know are making a habit of conversation where I can't watch them! It's like the UFO club of interpersonal relationships, paranoia taken to ridiculousness!"

"I think you're exaggerating a little," Mai said. "But if you are worried, you can always go after them."

"That's easy to say," I said, looking away. "If I did, though, there's no way she wouldn't say something superior."

"Well, we can all together," Mai suggested. "And then you'll even have a pretext for being there!"

I glanced sidelong at her, frowning. "Are you mocking me?"

"Would I be so unfair?" Mai asked playfully. "That's a very paranoid question."

"In any case, didn't she say she was going after Shiho?" Tate said thoughtfully.

"And she said you were using a shinai because you might cause her fever to relapse if you used a bokken," I said irritably. "She's a master of pretexts herself, and that's all it was. You should get used to it."

"No, it might not be. Shiho said a little to me yesterday." Tate shrugged. "Only a little, but apparently they did have a talk."

I snorted. "I'm surprised. What did she say?"

"Uh, nothing flattering," Tate said. "But, you know, that's just her way. It was a good kind of badness, if you know what I mean."

I sighed. "You know, I really don't."

"Shizuru-san probably does, though," Mai said innocently.

"Anyway," I said, pointedly ignoring her. "She has some vested interest in talking to Reito, as well. I know that. It drives me pretty mad, just wondering here."

"Hmm. Perhaps you shouldn't go, after all." Mai smiled at me. "You should just trust her, right?"

I turned my head slightly, looking at her. "Humph. That's easy to say, you know."

"Seriously, though," Tate said. "Fujino-san is Fujino-san. It's not like we need to worry about her."

"That's what you think, but I know better," I replied irritably. "It's because of people like you who just let her get away with it that she thinks she can keep hiding her problems from everyone."

Mai took my hand by the wrist, nodding. "Perhaps. But if it's that, we can count on you, right? You're here to look after her, so I don't think she has to worry, either."

"Whatever," I said, looking away in embarrassment. "She still doesn't make it easy for me."

"Well, that's often the case," Mai said. "In any case, if she is talking to Shiho, I'm indebted to her. I still don't know what to do about the girl."

"You know, I liked the box idea," I said casually. "Just mail her to Australia or something."

Mai laughed. "That would also work. But, still."

I decided to kill the awkward silence before it could descend. "It can't be helped. But, you know, it isn't impossible. I've got somewhere with Shizuru, and we started in a far worse way. There's no point in giving up."

"You're right, of course," Mai said. "I suppose I should be more optimistic."

"You can count on time, as well," Tate said. He was looking out over the garden, and sounded serious for one. "Even if things are tough right now, that won't last. I'm sure things will get easier."

Once again, another awkward silence went straight for us. Why was I on conversation duty? I'm not trained for this! "Anyway, I hope you guys are fine with the situation," I said quickly. "You know, it worries me a bit. This house is awesome, but it isn't exactly convenient for the nearest cinema. And Shizuru's idea of a good day out is wandering around ancient temples founded before we'd invented anything else to do besides farming and fleeing wolves."

"It's fine," Mai said. "You know, even Mikoto's happy. She's in love with the idea of playing swords with new people, even after yesterday. And this ridiculously large garden is her idea of heaven."

"She's easy to please," I noted idly.

"Well, something like this is okay as well," Tate said. "It sure makes for a change of pace, doesn't it? The housewife who always wears a kimono. The classic garden. The pond and the funny little feature that goes doink."

"Whatever you say. Anyway, we should organise some trips for later in the week. Just to make sure Mikoto doesn't end up chewing through the walls." I looked up idly. "They can drive us, as well. Honestly, this family is beyond ridiculous."

"Whatever you say," Mai replied. "But these people have to exist somewhere. We just happen to know them for once."

"Yeah, but exactly. How likely is that?"

"More likely than a bunch of girls with pet monsters?" Tate suggested irrelevantly.

I rolled my eyes. "Hardly. That was just plain silly, but this is a matter of mundane improbability. It's completely different, after all."

"Very subtle. In any case, we can go to Kyoto. I wouldn't mind seeing the temples, either. I've never been before." Mai smiled. "It would have been nice to do that with Takumi, as well. I wonder how he's doing?"

"Staying with a family of ninja. That's also just plain silly," I said sarcastically. "Well, whatever. I've long since stopped trying to make sense of our crazy lives. I'm sure he's having a great time with his girlfriend. Who is a ninja. No, I'm sorry. That's just too stupid even for me."

Mai chuckled. "I'm glad you're focusing on the important things, as usual."

"Well, what do you expect?" I said. "He's in an in-law scenario. Go and watch a romcom if you want an idea of the outcome. But I don't fancy the chances of a weak boy meeting ninja parents. They'll be all, prove yourself worthy, and then he'll offer to cook."

"I doubt that. I think he'll do well." Tate grinned. "I never heard of ninja cooking, so it's a selling point for him, right?"

"You two," Mai said, mock angry. "Stop teasing me. Fine, I'll phone him tonight. I guess that's what I should do in the first place, right?"

"Be sure to give my regards to the in-laws," I said innocently. "But, damn, ninja in-laws. That sounds like either the best or the worst film ever."

"If you have a moment, am I interrupting anything?"

When I looked back, Saaya was standing behind us, fanning herself gently. I blinked. "No, not at all." I frowned. "Isn't Viola with you?"

"She's hard at work, but she did send me to request your presence, if you could be so kind in your own time," Saaya remarked, closing the fan with a snap. "Of course, there's no compulsion. I think she's just being lazy again, myself."

"I see. What does she want?"

"Just a chat, that's all. Like I said, this really isn't urgent or compulsory. As you're all talking together, it's fine if you want to ignore it." Saaya glanced at the others. "It would be a great shame to steal Natsuki-chan from you, after all."

"Not at all," Mai said politely. "We would be fine with that."

"Glad to get rid of me, I'm sure," I remarked. I stopped for a moment, considering. "Why me? I mean, I can go and find Shizuru if you want…"

Saaya smiled playfully at me. "Why, indeed? I'm afraid she's being whimsical again. Mother and daughter alike have that characteristic."

I blinked, wondering what to make of that. It was rather curious, to say the least. "I guess I don't have any objection." I glanced at Mai. "Is it okay?"

She nodded. "Of course. Feel free."

"Then humour Shizuru, if she comes back. And kick Reito if necessary." I stood, brushing myself off. "I guess I'm getting used to this."

"Perhaps you should take my job, but for Shizuru-chan," Saaya said playfully, starting to walk back the way she came. "You'd get an allowance."

I grimaced, following her. "You know, I'd rather not. That's kinda mercenary."

"Somewhat, but the only people we can count on to be by our side whenever we need it are employees and spouses," Saaya remarked. "And I'm not so sure about spouses, myself."

I frowned. "Well, if we're talking of that, it's pretty damn weird to see you two together. I think it's the first time I've seen you apart. Or is she hiding somewhere?"

"Only in her office. You're right in that it's unusual. We even sleep in the same room, most of the time." Saaya shrugged. "But for a delicate request like this, it would be impolite to send another servant, as if we were demanding your attendance. You certainly shouldn't think of this as a summons."

I snorted. "Don't worry. Believe me when I say that if I didn't want to go, I'd tell you where to go."

"Of course. You're very reliable." Saaya smiled at me. "I like that honest aspect of your personality. Viola, too."

"When you sound so patronising, I'm not sure whether that's much of a compliment," I grunted.

"If that's what you want to think, it's fine," Saaya replied idly. "You'd be mistaken, though."

"I'm sure," I said sarcastically.

I wondered why I was doing this, exactly. They're not bad people, but it's a little strange. If she was bored, why me? But, it was probably okay. There couldn't be any harm in getting along with Shizuru's parents. Or the mother, at least. Other people can't really be dealt with at all, but that's another story.

"Don't worry," Saaya said casually. "I doubt Viola will detain you forever. In the meantime, thank you for humouring her."

I blinked. "Not at all. I'll admit I owe you both a lot anyway. Oh, and don't mention what you old me."

Saaya chuckled. "Rest easy." She glanced at me, smiling slightly. "You know, I'm a little less kind than Viola. What you did was the right thing to do, and conversely, I wouldn't forgive anyone who simply left Shizuru-chan to die."

"It's a good attitude," I replied, unfazed. "I'm just amazed we can actually agree on something."

"Is it so surprising?" Saaya asked thoughtfully. She slowed, raising a hand. "Quietly now. But it may be that this is because we're somewhat similar, as I noted earlier."

"I'm different from you," I replied automatically.

"Well, that's yours to say," Saaya said. "But I'm only rarely wrong." She stopped by a door, looking casually back at me. "If she's busy, please wait quietly and patiently. You're kindness is undoubtedly appreciated."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm sure. Let's just go on."

"But don't be too kind, or she'll take you for granted," Saaya remarked innocently. She opened the door and stepped through quietly.

I followed, looking around in surprise. It was a study, clearly enough, filled with books of all kind. Viola was working at a computer with two monitors. The whole thing was surprisingly modern, considering she appears to be two eras out of her proper time anywhere else.

"So you did come, Natsuki-chan?" Viola said, without looking around. "Thank you. I do appreciate that."

"Not at all," I replied automatically. I blinked again. "But… you can't see me, right? No, more than that, can you even see what you're typing?"

"Precisely. I can't see anything, so I'm sure what I just wrote was riddled with errors. It's only a provisional draft, though, so Saaya can edit it freely. It's a little embarrassing, though. Being so dependent on someone makes people feel old and useless."

"This is what we call false modesty," Saaya said, closing her eyes briefly. "Considering I'm just a secretary, I'm the one who feels useless."

"And now Saaya's being too modest," Viola said, without looking round. "You'll have to forgive us. Oh, please sit down."

I sat in one of the spare chairs, regarding the back of her head steadily. "Well?"

"Well? I'm afraid I don't have any good reason to bring you here, after all," Viola replied innocently. She shifted her chair sideways, letting Saaya sit at the computer. "Would you prefer it if I faced you?"

"Please," I replied automatically. I frowned slightly. Yeah, she's still crazy.

She turned around, regarding me with those vague eyes of hers. "My only hope is to get to know you better, after all. You're important to Shizuru, so you're also important for me. That girl doesn't have many friends. But I hope you don't mind?"

"It's fine," I said, sighing. "If it wasn't, I'd go. So you don't need to keep asking about it."

"Then I'm thankful, and I'll say no more," Viola said. "More importantly, is it okay if I ask you a few questions?"

"Sure," I said. "Whatever."

Humour her, and then go. Simple enough.

"So, what is it that you think we should do for Shizuru?" Viola asked. "More than what is ordinary, and we're doing now. What does she need?"

I blinked. "Huh? Well, it isn't my place to tell you that…"

"On the contrary," Viola said. "In the last three years, we've seen Shizuru very little, and heard only a little more from her. You, on the other hand, have been with her for all of that time. So, wouldn't you say that you're the only person who could claim to answer that question?"

I glanced sidelong at Saaya, but she was working at the computer. If she was listening, she wasn't showing any sign of that. Or rather, she was leaving me on my own. "Well, I wouldn't say that," I replied uneasily. "You knew her since she was a child, as her mother… and for a long time, I didn't know her very well. Even right now, I struggle to know what's thinking. That's why I say it wouldn't be my place."

"Hmm." Viola slipped her hands into the sleeves of her kimono. "I suppose that's a reasonable answer. So you'd certainly say that you don't understand enough about Shizuru? Or is this the limit of the understanding she wants from you?"

"I don't understand her enough," I replied. Too displaced for anything but dumb honesty. "And I don't know what she wants me to do, either. Well… it's complicated. That's part of what I don't understand from her."

"I see. That's fair enough." Viola's eyes narrowed. "Even so, based on your understanding, how would you answer my first question?"

I frowned. "I still can't answer that."

"Why?" Viola returned instantly. "Politeness?"

I winced. She was speaking too fast. "Call it that. Would you let Shizuru tell Mai's mother how to raise her?"

"I've always taught her to earnestly assist those who request her advice and understanding," Viola said. "And you never struck me as someone enamoured of common courtesy, either."

"There's a difference between honesty and rudeness, though," I replied ambiguously. "But, whatever. You just want me to answer, right?"

"Of course." For the first time in a while, she smiled. "I won't bite you, or chase you up a tree. I'm just worried."

"I still can't answer." I snorted. "You know, it isn't an easy question for me to answer offhand…"

"Then I'll wait patiently. But you've seen how we do everything. You're an observant girl and intelligent girl. That's one of the reasons why I value your opinion."

She was looking straight into my eyes, and that was probably impossible. Her best attempt shouldn't feel like it was boring a hole in my forehead.

"Well, offhand, you three should go easy on the Fujino stuff. All that duty and expectation isn't easy for her, you know." I frowned. "She's conscientious, right? So is it really good to just arrange everything for her, using her own guilt complex? What if she wants to do something else? A teacher, or a doctor? Isn't that fine, if it's what she wants to do?"

Viola smiled. "I appreciate your honesty. As I thought, when you do begin, you don't waste your words on allusions, but state things clearly. It's a good trait."

"Well?" I said irritably.

"You mean I should answer? I suppose that's fair, if I'm asking questions." Viola shrugged. "You may have a point. In this individualistic age, the meaning of what we do is a little difficult to explain. We believe in family, and also in duty. So that's how we've raised her to see the world. That's only natural. But even so, we wouldn't absolutely stop her from doing what she wanted to do, if her mind was truly made up. On the other hand, that doesn't mean we wouldn't advise her strongly to be prudent, if it would impair her chances in life." She leaned back slightly. "You should remember that, Natsuki-chan. It's an important matter."

I gritted my teeth. "That kinda annoys me. What the hell is duty, anyway? Having so much money. I understand being able to live comfortably, but what's the point in going this far? You want her to carry on with your… empire, or whatever. Isn't that right?"

"It isn't an empire, you know. That's too grand." Viola shrugged. "But we would be glad if she took such a role. Money itself is a means to an end, and a recognition of reality in this world. It's important only because it can take care of the other important things. So, let me put a question to you. Would you protect your family and loved ones?"

I blinked. "Is that a trick question?"

"No. Just an honest one. You already answered when you saved Shizuru's life. But what did it take, to allow you to protect her?"

I sighed. I hate riddles. "Courage?"

"Somewhat. But also power." Viola's expression was uncharacteristically serious. "Your physical power allowed you to save her. You were also injured. So, you could say that courage, power and determination… three different things allowed you to save her. But power is the most important. You can't protect anyone with just courage and will alone."

I frowned, playing with my hair to hide my confusion. "This is a pretty metaphysical conversation. How does it relate to anything?"

"Money is power. That's all." Viola blinked slowly. "Of course, I can elaborate. When Shinri offers to hire bodyguards, it's a measure of protection he can take purely because we're rich. No matter what the disaster, we can do everything that could possibly be done to protect our family and friends. It can also provide important advantages that let us and our children thrive." Viola smiled. "Of course, that's still a selfish desire, isn't it? But I think it's rather human. Would you disagree with this, Natsuki-chan? 'I can only protect those I know, even at the expense of those I do not? I only feel my own pain and that of those around me?' Something like that?"

I was silent for a few moments. "No. I can't disagree with that."

Viola chuckled. "Would you like to?"

"But that doesn't mean I agree with you!" I said forcefully. "You're way too rich, even for that! You don't need this mansion for that, either, so it's just an excuse. And just being rich won't make Shizuru happy! What you want her to be, she wouldn't enjoy at all. So what's the point? You can already protect her, right? Anything else is just greed."

"One day, we will die. Then she will have to be the protector. Nor would letting Shizuru be weak and spoiled protect her usefully. On that, I agree with Shinji. As for the rest, I do enjoy my work. I can't answer for Shizuru's feelings. But I think, myself, that she could be happy, doing what we do."

I folded my arms. "Well, whatever. If you're going to ignore everything I say, why did you bother to ask me questions in the first place? To reinforce your self-perceived superiority?"

"Not at all. I'm not ignoring you. Your opinions are very valuable to me, and I'm simply trying to explain the other side." Viola shrugged again. "I'm only human. I understand your concerns, and I have doubts myself. That's why I asked. In the meantime, I'll draw out your opinions, for as long as you'll let me do so."

"Fine." I glared at her. "If Shizuru really did want to do something else with her life, what would you do? Disown her?"

Viola narrowed her eyes. "Please don't say such unpleasant things. Shizuru is our one and only daughter." She said that with a coldness I hadn't noticed before. "No matter the circumstances, we won't become people worse than trash who abandon their own family. Please make no mistake about that."

"I see," I replied. "That's good. I wouldn't forgive people like that either."

"In any case, I had told you before. We wouldn't stop her, just try to dissuade her." Viola shrugged again, her expression loosening slightly. "Would you do that too, if she was doing something you couldn't condone for her own sake?"

"Probably," I admitted, after a few seconds. "Unless it was really terrible."

"Of course. There are limits to every principle. I'm glad we agree, though."

I frowned. "But why do you want to tell me this? That's what the whole conversation was about, right? You say you want to understand my position, but it feels more like you're explaining your own." I narrowed me eyes slightly. "If it's you, there has to be a reason for that."

"Perhaps, perhaps not," Viola remarked quietly. Saaya had stopped typing, and studied my face in the silence. "But you do have strong ties to her," Viola said, after a few seconds. "If you want to understand Shizuru, it isn't bad to hear what I just said. For all four of us, they are our ideals. I'm sure she hasn't changed so much as to completely disown them." She glanced at me. "To rephrase this, for a Fujino, the most important thing is to protect what we care about. Nothing else matters."

"That's a pretty messed up ideology," I muttered.

"Somewhat," Viola conceded. She shrugged. "But in one sense, I'll agree with you. It isn't easy, what I chose to do. I didn't really attempt to return to my old family. Rather, my old identity is eclipsed, and I am essentially Japanese and no more. Shizuru cannot speak my mother tongue beyond academia, and she has no cultural ties. I work very hard for her and Shinri. Even so, the three of us must often be apart for various reasons. And what we do apart is really only part of the whole."

I scowled. "So is it really worth it? Having to put up with all that crap?"

"It's worth it, to me. Family is a very important thing." Viola paused for a moment, regarding me curiously. "Nonetheless, I made many sacrifices to be the wife of my husband. I am the person who will always protect him, as surely as he protects me, and for that, it is worthwhile."

I snorted again. "I see. How romantic."

"Not really. It's too prudent for that." Viola turned away, glancing at the computer again. "Nonetheless, Natsuki-chan, I have a deep gratitude for you. Independently of your actions to save her life, I'm certain that you are still the one who has been protecting Shizuru for a long time. Not anyone else but you. You're a very important person."

I stood. "Whether I protect her or not isn't anything to do with your complex world view. I didn't ask for your permission, either, and I won't in future. It's simply what I do because I want to do it, and no more."

"That's precisely why you're important," Viola replied quietly. "Well, I'm going to think carefully about a lot of things. If I've said anything to offend you, please forgive me. I can go far too far talking about Shizuru, and Saaya will tell me off later."

"You know, I think this is one of those situations," Saaya said lightly.

"It's fine," I said defiantly. "I prefer this kind of thing to saying nothing. So, don't apologise. I won't."

Viola chuckled. "I see. Well, thank you. I'll leave the rest to you."

"Not at all. Thank you," I replied, bowing my head slightly. After that, I turned and left, heading back to my room. I'd also been given far too much to think about.


	45. Chapter 45

**Windows of the Soul: Part Forty-Five**

Once again I'm exeeding my original projections. I plead the complexity of Hime-series Shiznat...

Shizuru and Natsuki aren't helping, though. Bad girls. Get it together.

* * *

Sometimes, my only regret is that there are other people in the world but you and me. At that time, I was certainly thinking of that. I even considered using my power to make it come true. At that time, many of my thoughts were abnormal, as I'd driven myself to an absolute position, the edge of the edge. Clinging to such fundamental thoughts was the only way I could find meaning in a world where you had rejected me. And when you stopped me with your cruelty and kindness, and disappointed me appropriately, most of those thoughts died. I forced myself to live in reality, even if it hurt me.

But sometimes I wish, if not for that, then for circumstances where we were less troubled by others. My desire to monopolise you hasn't disappeared. My desire hasn't disappeared.

Is this troubling feeling inviolate? I don't do it deliberately. I've gone past the point where I forced myself, only half-playfully, to regard you in that light, and see what I find. I just remember you. Your beauty. Your strength. All your quirks and smiles and vulnerabilities. I can't simply forget when I know them all by heart, so this feeling still haunts me. Like an incurable disease, it feels like I'll simply have to cope with it. And I'll do that. I will do everything I have to do to do what you want me to do for you. And that's a ponderous thought. All of that simply means being a good friend to you.

Does Shiho have such an understanding? I despise comparing myself to her, but I'm also drawn to her. I suppose you could say that I'm using her, insofar as if she can learn to cope with her circumstances, it shouldn't be impossible for me, either. And I selfishly use another person around in my inimitable way. Even so, forgive myself. That's what Natsuki wants me to do. Keep smiling. Saying I'm content is a slowly burning lie but all the same, I'll do what I have to do.

When I looked up and forced myself to concentrate on my surroundings, they were there. Mai and Tate. They weren't even doing anything in particular. Just talking quietly. All the same, I felt a small pang. That didn't have anything to do with them as individuals, of course. It was what they represented that irked me. It isn't a matter of content, because I'm sure I have closer and warmer conversations with Natsuki. But there's an implicit understanding that changes things completely. Or, perhaps, I'm simply being oversensitive, and they don't see any such significance at all. It must be really nice, to have such a relaxed and complacent happiness.

I considered simply ignoring them, but that wouldn't be mature. Rationalising it as not interrupting would have more significance if it looked like there was anything to interrupt, and the truth was it was just an excuse. Natsuki didn't want me to constantly avoid her friends. It wasn't very mature of me to do that, either, for my own sake. So. "Good afternoon." I smiled automatically, a fake smile. I'm good at those.

Mai blinked and looked up. "Good afternoon. How's Shiho-chan?"

Abrupt, isn't she? "She is herself, a little brashly rude, but altogether quite endearing," I replied. "I must congratulate you, Tate-kun. You have a very cute sister."

"She isn't my sister, you know," Tate replied tiredly. "She should just stop saying that already."

"There's more than one kind of sister. It's fine, isn't it? I believe it's even a fetish in certain circles."

"Certain circles never met Shiho," Tate replied bluntly.

"Well, that's certainly true," I replied. Tiring. "Natsuki isn't here? I thought she'd be with you."

"Your mother wanted to talk to her," Mai replied. "Or so that woman said… the one who follows your mother around all the time…"

"Saaya," I said automatically. "But, Okasama asked for that?" I frowned. "What did Natsuki say?"

"She went. That was a while ago, though." Mai shrugged. "I'm sure it's fine. Natsuki said she was fine with it, after all."

It's strange for someone other than me to take such a familiar tone with her.

"Well, there's no accounting for Okasama's whims," I said, half trying to convince myself.

But the way she had taken to talking was prompting some paranoia on my part. Perhaps just a guilty conscience at work. On the other hand, with Okasama, paranoia may be a very rational characteristic.

"I was saying to Natsuki, though, that we're very grateful for the fact that you're taking an interest in Shiho-chan," Mai continued, looking up at me. "She's been worrying us. Tate says she sounded a little interested in you, though, so it's a good thing."

"There's no need to thank me," I replied absently. Now, what to do? "I was simply doing something that interested me. And after all you've done for Natsuki, this is the least I can do for you."

The overall situation can wait, but I need to decide now what to do. Find the two of them? If it's just a harmless situation, I can join the conversation without any protest. If it's something more, I can intervene on Natsuki's behalf.

"I hope she isn't being rude, though," Mai continued politely. "She can be a little… cutting, when she disapproves of something."

"I'm used to it. Natsuki has a similar honesty." On the other hand, it might look suspicious, if I constantly chase after Natsuki. I haven't bothered to hide it, before now.

"You know, there's a big difference between honesty and bad manners," Tate muttered. "You should hear some of the things she calls me."

And if I am overreacting by rushing in first, mightn't I just confirm my own fears?

"I think it's cute," I said, keeping my voice bright. Hopefully, they'd just shut up and let me think. "In any case, she's playing with Mikoto-chan now. Reito says he'll bring them both in soon, so you don't need to worry about that."

What's the correct action to take in this situation? No, Okasama herself would be prudent, and subtly question Natsuki afterwards. But I'm sure Otousama would charge straight in. All the same, there's a great value in prudence.

No, this probably just paranoia, after all. But Okasama would certainly put herself apart and consider every option. That's what I need to do here.

Mai pushed herself up, standing abruptly and looking at me. "Shizuru-san, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"

Her eyes are surprisingly strong, when I face them head on. "About what?" I asked automatically. I tried to think of a pretext that wouldn't be too blatant. Calculated rudeness wouldn't work when I was trying to be nice to Natsuki's friends, after all.

"About Natsuki, if that's okay with you," Mai said steadily.

For the first time in a while, I actually focused my attention on her, and for a few moments more I said nothing. My lips narrowed, though, and I stared coolly into her eyes. "That's fine," I said eventually. "If you desire that, I have no objection to it."

"Thank you," Mai replied seriously. "Is here fine, or do you want to go elsewhere?"

I cocked my head, considering it. This was too close to the house. "Perhaps a walk in the garden would be nice."

Mai nodded. "Okay. Yuichi, can you go and watch Mikoto and Shiho for me?"

"Do I have to?" Tate asked, glaring up at us. "She said Reito was taking care of it!"

"Please, Yuichi," Mai replied, turning her head slightly and smiling. "I'd appreciate it."

Tate sighed theatrically and stood, rubbing the back of his head. "Right, right. I get it. Important female discussion when I have no opinion, fine. I'll see you later." He walked off.

I continued to look at Mai's face. "A very graceful boy," I said, and I smiled.

Mai broke eye contact, turning away. "Shall we go?"

"By all means. I can only stay a few minutes, though," I said, starting to walk. I overtook her in a few steps and began to lead her down the garden. "I need to talk to Okasama later. I was a little surprised that she'd be talking with someone else at this time."

"Just a few minutes is fine," Mai said. She looked around thoughtfully for a few moments. "Would you be offended if I am completely honest?"

"That would probably be best," I suggested. I prefer having a monopoly on deception in any given conversation.

"I know all about the Carnival," Mai said bluntly, glancing sharply at me. "That's why I found it strange that she'd go so far for you, even now."

"If that's what you want to talk about, you're talking to the wrong person," I replied, quietly but forcefully. I looked into the distance, keeping my voice as neutral as possible. "Coming here was Natsuki's decision, and the opposite of my own. I understand your position, but I'm not someone who has no respect for Natsuki's own will."

"That wasn't an accusation," Mai said cautiously. "I know that. And when I said something like that to Natsuki, she told me clearly that it was her own decision. I'm just saying I didn't understand her reasons. I don't have anything against you. That time was different from normality, and I don't hold anything against anyone for it. But, for Natsuki, it would be human."

"You don't need feel obliged to be saintly," I said quietly. "Forgiving me is a little gratuitous." I snorted. "Though, even if I say that, Natsuki wouldn't approve. You're right. She's the saintly one."

"That's not what I'm trying to say, though," Mai said, looking away. She sounded almost irritated, with herself or me. "The Carnival itself isn't important. But Natsuki really has forgiven you. And, the way she talks about you also tells me that you really are an important person to her. More so than I am."

I blinked, a little wrong-footed. "Is that so?"

"I'm sure of it." Mai smiled at me. "She isn't subtle, right? So I can tell."

"I don't suppose it helps anything, but I'm a very lucky person, and I know that," I said reproachfully. "What I've received is more than I could ask for. And, she's also stated clearly to me that I am important to her… I understand that situation."

"Really?" Mai asked thoughtfully. She looked away and didn't say anything for a few moments. "What is your relationship with Natsuki?"

I bit my lip. "Friends," I said forcefully.

"Friends?" Mai repeated. "In what way?"

"How many ways are there?" I reigned in my impatience. "Of course, you're also a friend of Natsuki. I understand your concern, under the circumstances. I would do no less and far more… all I have to offer you is my word, which is altogether insufficient. But I have formally and absolutely renounced any other intention."

"I see," Mai said. "But, is that what you feel yourself, is that just what you intend?"

I focused on a tree, keeping my voice controlled. This was an extremely unpleasant experience. It was necessary, of course. But unpleasant. "What I feel doesn't matter, does it? I intend to be her friend. I'm not so irredeemable that I can't control myself to that extent."

"So you still love her?" Mai asked.

I winced. "Please stop asking difficult questions."

"You aren't speaking like someone whose true feelings have changed," Mai said. "In a way, you're admitting the difference between your rationality and your emotions. I just want to confirm that, if it doesn't offend you… but you're not hiding it, either."

I stopped abruptly, turning and glaring at her. "Very well. I love Natsuki. But please don't misunderstand. That has nothing to do with my decision, save for the fact that it reinforces the fact that I want the best for her. My feelings are a matter with no bearing, unless you question that. If that's the case, please state it clearly."

"Hey, I didn't say anything!" Mai protested, glaring at me. "It's fine! I think it's great! So you don't have to get all worked up about it!"

I blinked slightly. She was… pouting. There was no other word for it. It made her look a little like Natsuki. "Really?"

"Really!" Mai sighed, deflating slightly. "I'm not trying to criticise you or anything. Well, maybe I took the wrong tone at the start, but I just want to talk, okay? You're not making it easy, though."

"This is a difficult topic for me to discuss civilly with someone I don't know particularly well," I said neutrally, turning away. "But, I suppose I went too far. I'm sorry."

"Anyway, doing what you're doing, saying someone is this or that to you and imposing a decision on yourself, all those kinds of things," Mai sighed. "I've done them myself, too, you know. I know your circumstances are different. You and Natsuki go way back. But, I do sympathise. I know that's not worth much, though."

"It doesn't feel very appropriate for you to sympathise with me," I said neutrally.

"It isn't really a rational thing. I've often thought cold things about you, before I knew much about you. But, when I'm talking to you like this, I sympathise with you. It isn't conscious, and it doesn't relate to whether or not it's rational or appropriate." Mai paused for a second. "Emotions are like that, aren't they? They don't relate to circumstances at all."

When I looked at her, she was smiling. It was almost curious. "Well, I've also thought cold things of you," I said. "Not so much now. It's mostly just uncomfortable."

Mai winced. "I'm being really forwards, aren't I? I'm sorry about that."

"Not at all," I said. "It's not a bad thing for me to experience, from time to time. But I'm not sure what your concern is, if not about that emotion. I presume you're worried about something."

"Well… this is difficult," Mai said. "I can't say I thought this through. But, you know as well, Natsuki can be quiet shy. She often finds it hard to say what's on her mind."

"I know that. But, if it's like that, you don't need to worry," I said, smiling reassuringly. "We've talked a lot, about various things, and she's been very honest with me."

"That's good," Mai said. "I was worried. So can you answer another question?"

I nodded.

"If you still love her, then if, hypothetically, circumstances were to change, you'd start a relationship with her, wouldn't you?" Mai flushed. "It's strange to saying that to a girl about a girl…"

"Well, I don't know," I said. I brought my hands together. "But we don't need to worry about that. I'm concentrating on being her friend."

Mai shook her head vigorously. "No, I know. But, just hypothetically, you know. If she changed her mind?"

I frowned at her. "You know, that won't happen. I've already received my answer clearly, when I died in her arms. I don't know whether she told you about that."

"Just hypothetically, though," Mai said stubbornly.

I sighed, closing my eyes. "Well, if it pleases you, I don't know. I haven't thought of it at all, because even doing that is strange and unkind for me. It would be wonderful, but also very dangerous. For me, and for her. I have no rights to say anything, but I did truly hate myself as I was-" I broke off abruptly. "It's a moot point, though. I'll do what Natsuki wants me to do."

"I see," Mai replied. "That's good."

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. Wonderful. Now I felt even worse than before. "Is that everything? I can't say I'm enamoured of talking about this."

"Yes. Thank you very much, Shizuru-san." Mai actually bowed. "I'm sorry for all of this. But I'm just thinking of Natsuki."

"Are you mocking me?" I asked, bemused.

"No, not at all," Mai said hastily, straightening. She sighed, smiling at me. "But, you know, you really aren't an easy person to talk to…"

"Likewise," I replied promptly.

"And, I know my opinion doesn't really matter, but… never mind." Mai grimaced at me. "You two are really confusing people, you know!"

"Really?" I asked thoughtfully.

"Really!" Mai sighed, shaking her head vigorously. "Even Natsuki, you know. You can be taken as read."

"Well, thank you," I said dryly.

"Anyway, I guess I shouldn't worry too much, right?" Mai said, smiling brightly. "Things will probably turn out okay in the end, or something."

"Your faith is appreciated," I said, deciding to sound serious. "I know everyone has many reasons to doubt me, but I do have good intentions now. I'll do what I can."

Mai nodded, looking around the garden. "Yeah. I'm counting on that. Anyway, I've bothered you enough about all that! We should talk about less awkward things, right? This is our holiday."

I smirked slightly, looking down at the floor. "That's true. And if Natsuki heard I'd been rude with you, she'd never forgive me. Most importantly, are you all fine here? If there's anything about the situation troubling for you, please feel free to tell me frankly."

"There's no way I could criticise any of this without sounding churlish, right?" Mai asked innocently. "It's really great. We owe you an awful lot for all this, you know."

"Not at all. You're doing us a favour as well. Natsuki can talk to her friends again, and I think Okasama enjoys the house being livelier. Even Otousama doesn't seem to object, because he has new people who like swords and all his other toys around." I chuckled. "Accepting that one incident."

"You know, I'm really sorry about that," Mai said weakly. "I told your father last time, but I'm not sure if he believed me."

"Don't worry. It isn't a problem."

"So Natsuki says too, but it feels it really should be a major problem…"

I suppose she isn't a bad person, after all. Even though I'd like to hate her for her saintliness before, she's just a girl, and I can't really feel that strongly about her any more.

Perhaps I'm better able to the Carnival behind me now, and I don't need to resent her any more. That would be nice.

* * *

I sighed, and fell effortlessly into my usual routine for being screwed over by a Fujino. I fell onto my bed and put on some music. The problem was that I wasn't in my room. I had to fish my I-Pod out of a drawer, and you can't really treat a futon like a mattress without being hurt. So I had to content myself with sitting on it, instead.

But the principle is the same.

What the hell? Okay, frankly, I'm used to Shizuru and I was watching Shinri anyway. But, somehow, I thought that Viola was, you know, normal. Relatively. Then she blindsides me with all sorts of weird questions, equally odd statements and that damn obfuscating manner that comes with the bloodline or something. And the whole thing was just weird, wasn't it? I mean, I don't have a moral objection to being stupendously rich. If I was able to make myself rich, I probably would, and if I was then able to make myself even richer, I'd keep going. It's a way of keeping score, I guess. But at least I'd be honest about it! There's no need to complicate things with all this nonsense about protecting people. Not seeing Shizuru for years, is that protecting her? Filling her head with all this family duty stuff and forcing her down one path, is that protecting her? Don't fuck with me. It's just bizarre, and nothing else. And if your mind is so firmly made up, why bother asking me about anything? Did that question have any point to it in the first place?

I grimaced and rolled over, resting my head on the pillow. Oh, well. Whatever. It didn't matter really, did it? She could say what she liked.

Why me?

Perhaps that was more important than what she actually said. I mean, I may or may not like all the stuff about family and duty, but I already knew all of that. It's implicit in Shizuru's attitudes, when it's been pointed out to you. But what did Viola actually want, calling me there? I can't believe it was just for some mild diversion. She's eccentric, not crazy. And more than that, it felt like she wanted something from me. What? Advice on how to raise Shizuru? Yeah, right. But, perhaps, information on how I think she should have raised Shizuru. That would be a Fujino-like thing, wouldn't it? And she said it from the beginning, that she wanted to learn more about me. Even if I accept that premise, though, why does she want to learn my answer to that particular question? And that doesn't answer "why me", either. I'm not the only guest any more, and isn't Reito the one sucking up to them?

Should I talk to Shizuru about this? Maybe only a Fujino can translate Fujino. But if I did talk about it, I'd have to mention what the argument was about. I still don't really get what she thinks, herself, and it might just end up as another argument. But wouldn't it be cowardly to deliberately avoid talking about it to her? I shouldn't have to make a secret of my opinion. It's not like I'm forcing it on her.

There was a knock at the door, and I looked up. "Come in, already." I paused my I-Pod and pulled out the earplugs.

The door opened, but it was Reito standing there. "Is it really okay?"

I scowled, rolling over and sitting up sharply. "What, it's you?"

"I'm afraid so," Reito replied, smiling disarmingly and spreading his hands. "I take it you were expecting Shizuru-san?"

"Tch." I closed my eyes, ignoring that. "What do you want?"

This is the man who is supposed to harbour romantic intentions towards me. Shouldn't I be nervous or something?

I guess it's not like I doubt the outcome.

"Shizuru-san is in the garden. She was talking with Shiho-chan at first, but I think she went off with Mai-chan after that. If you're worried, it shouldn't be too hard to find her," Reito said. "She'd probably appreciate it, as well."

"It's not like I didn't know that already," I said impatiently. "Just answer my question. Or is this it?"

"I'm afraid I don't have a particularly exiting agenda," Reito said calmly. "After Tate-kun told me you'd gone, I simply wondered where you were, and how you were. I'd also enjoy talking to you, if you have no objection for that."

"Whatever. Do as you please."

Reito stepped inside and closed the door behind him. He's really stubborn, after all, to take a statement like that as permission rather than discouragement. "In any case, are you doing well? I've been a little worried about both of you, under the circumstances, but you've recovered with remarkable speed."

"We're pretty used to life or death situations," I said impatiently. "It wasn't anything we didn't anticipate a little, either. So you shouldn't waste your energy worrying about us."

"As you say. With your strength of character, and Shizuru-san also being herself, I suppose that's only reasonable," Reito noted briefly. He smiled, sitting on the floor in seiza and regarding me. "I'm glad you're still getting on with her, as well. But that isn't really anything new."

"Right. Exactly." I regarded him cynically. It's not like I haven't talked to the bastard before, but there something different about this situation. Perhaps because of what Shizuru had told me. But it might also be because he was sitting so close to me, in a room with no one else. My room, too. It was surprisingly irritating.

He was sitting in Shizuru's place, damnit.

"Your choice of clothes is a little uncharacteristic, though," Reito noted briefly, glancing at me. "Shizuru's?"

"It doesn't matter, does it?" I said aloofly. "Clothes are just clothes, after all. It's strange to think of them as something important."

"Perhaps. Well, they suit you, all the same." Reito gave me a thoughtful look. "It's been a while since we last spoke like this, hasn't it?"

"I don't think we've known each other long enough to make a habit of it," I retorted.

"Certainly. But how are things with the two of you?" he asked. "Not just the incident, but more generally."

"It doesn't have much to do with you," I muttered. "Even so, it's fine. Shizuru is her usual gloomy self, and I'm doing my best to catch up. That's all."

"She's been talking a lot about you," Reito noted. "Though, you know, she always does. She always did, too… even years ago when you hadn't met each other for very long, you were an interesting person she described to me avidly."

"Somehow, I never really saw the two of you as friends," I replied.

"Well, "friends" is a deceptively difficult word, don't you think?" Reito said, shrugging. "We occasionally talked of various things, possessing a mutual understanding of a kind, and an interest in each other's conversation. Friendship might be the wrong word, all the same."

"In any case, I've been talking a lot about her," I confessed abruptly. "It's very… annoying. But I guess it's a topic of conversation. It's not like anything else happens around here."

Reito glanced at me for a long moment, then touched his forehead. "I've long thought that you have a different concept of happening and interesting from normal people. It's rather remarkable."

I rolled my eyes. "Alright, fine! So someone shot at us and Mikoto hit the old bastard. It's still not a matter of conversation. Shizuru's probably the same. I've no idea what she did as a kid, it must have been as boring as hell."

"I can't imagine," Reito remarked, smiling slightly. "But she has a very sincere concern for you. But she's a little conflicted from time to time, isn't she? That also worries me."

The thing she hates… probably, she'd also hate this. "You're right. But, you don't have to worry." I frowned at him. "I'm doing my best to take care of things like that."

"That's another thing that surprises me. You were the school's very own ice princess, said to be cold and aloof… but you're surprisingly kind and conscientious about Shizuru. It's a great quality."

"You haven't lost your habit of involving yourself in things that only tangentially concern you," I said irritably.

Reito chuckled. "Perhaps. But for me, at least, I am at least indirectly involved. After all, the disaster which still haunts you both was basically caused for me." He shrugged. "So I do feel involved, even inappropriately so."

"You shouldn't be too proud, as you were just another victim," I said shortly. "What we did in the Carnival is a matter between us, and because of us… the meaning of the whole thing didn't have much to do with it."

"Of course. But I saw the battle and the people within it clearly. And the specific circumstances were very important, as well. Specifically, if there was no Carnival, that catastrophic rift wouldn't have occurred. Your relationship with Shizuru would be very different." Reito frowned. "What do you think?"

"Does it matter?" I asked impatiently. "What's done is done. I don't waste my time wondering about things like that."

"You're right, of course. I'm indulging myself." Reito shrugged. "But Shizuru-san is an excellent actor. I had the skill and chance to read her, and watched her carefully. I like to think I'm somewhat open-minded, as well. All the same, I couldn't really perceive anything more than a close platonic attachment with you-"

"I don't really want to talk about that with you," I said.

Reito stopped for a moment. "Does it upset you?"

"It's not really anything like that," I said, looking at his face. "But Shizuru's feelings, they're important. They're also for me, and between the two of us. So when you're saying that so casually, as if she was deliberately being deceitful, it pisses me off. Even I don't understand fully, and neither does she. So you shouldn't talk like that."

Reito smiled. "You have a point. I apologise."

"All that's in the past, anyway. That's why I don't like this kind of talk. Everything's so damn retrospective and negative." I frowned. "Shizuru does that too. Being sorry is fine, but somehow, being so trapped by the darkness of the past you can't let yourself conceive something decent happening is wrong. I prefer optimism."

"Of course, you were living in that way yourself, as the Carnival started," Reito said quietly.

"Right. But that's also in the past." I narrowed my eyes. "And you? What do you intend? Or are you still hung up about the Carnival and unable to think of anything else?"

"I'm inspired by the present and the past alike," Reito said. "I've said this to Shizuru before, but some of the current circumstances surrounding you all don't appeal to me. That's why I have a vested interest in making circumstances change and situations evolve, in the hope of a more favourable tomorrow."

"How idealistic," I noted.

"Shizuru-san said much the same thing."

"For once, though, it's not like I disagree," I said, stretching. "But you should bear in mind your place. Just like before, you're just the one standing behind us, right? You shouldn't do anything dramatic, just support us for distance. Me and Shizuru, for example. You could do that, at least, if I ever need your help. I don't like our current circumstances or whatever either."

"Of course. I'll support you, if you think that's desirable."

I nodded. "I'll hold you to that someday. And you? What's your plan for yourself?"

"I don't have anything specific in mind," Reito said quietly.

"That sounds kinda dangerous to me. Perhaps you should worry about yourself before us. Or is all of this just a way of making up for the fact that you're dissatisfied with yourself?"

"That's going too far, I think," he replied.

I glanced at him for a long moment, then turned away. "Well, whatever. I guess I should say this clearly. I can't really worry about you or anyone else right now, even if it's necessary. It's Shizuru I'm concentrating on, because it's her feelings I have to understand. Ever since that day, I've been determined to do that."

"I'm glad you can say that without hesitation. Well, with that understanding, I won't trouble you any further." Reito stood, brushing himself off.

"Just remember Mikoto and everyone is worrying about you, too," I said shortly. "You might be better off worrying about yourself for her, as well."

Reito stopped by the door, glancing back at me. "You really have changed."

"And you've stayed just the same."

Reito nodded. "If I see Shizuru, should I send her here?"

"Do you as you wish," I repeated, a little more softly this time.

He chuckled and turned away. "Yes, yes." After that, he left.

Hopefully he'd understand. It's harsh, but as I am now… I can't even afford to worry about such complicated things.


	46. Chapter 46

**Windows of the Soul: Part Forty-Six**

You know, nothing smart or useful springs to mind at all. Enjoy, I guess?

* * *

I thought of a lot of things that night, waiting in the dark. About Mai, and how her presence changed things. Did I want her to know everything or not? I wasn't sure I'd like what she would say. But if it was to warn me, wasn't it because I didn't want to hear that? Even though there are still good reasons to be cautious of Shizuru, I'd already dismissed them. And if it was to urge me on, again, I didn't want to hear that. What she said then made sense. If anything's going to change, I'm the one who has to make a move. And if that's the case, I should do it now rather than later. As time passes, it will only become more difficult to convince Shizuru. I've already made her wait for months or years, so it's only natural that she has neither hopes nor expectations. She's trying to come to terms to being just a friend with me, though. And that's for my sake. I'm not sure whether I like it. It would also be natural for me to make my move in the last week of the holiday or whatever. I've always kicked back strongly only when my back's to the wall. There's no meaning in that, though. Even if I say something then, a few days isn't time for anything meaningful, even assuming she says yes right away. And more importantly, it's just a delaying tactic. This is a difficult thing, so I'll do it later. There's no need to do it now. Shizuru isn't going anywhere. I need to recognise a reality with no guarantees. She may be going somewhere, for all I know, or I may be forced to go. I don't have time to screw around.

I know that, but I dislike being reminded about it so much. Even thinking about it is difficult, so can't I just put that off to tomorrow as well?

And then there's Viola, of course, who's stopped with the strange talk, at least, but that was only more confusing. She was her usual wry self all evening, so much so that I can't help but wonder whether I completely imagined the other side of her. I still don't have any explanation for what happened earlier, but it worries me. I'm sure her intentions aren't truly bad, but I can't automatically expect that they'll coincide with the things I want. And she's very protective of Shizuru, in her strange way. Perhaps that's what I should learn from that conversation, most of all. I've always intended to keep anything I do about this situation a secret from them. That's only natural. But this reinforces that. I'm someone that Shizuru wants to protect, but if that's taken so seriously, they'll also approve of me. Do they approve or don't they approve? Even if he doesn't say anything so overt any more, that bastard is probably thinking the same thing. It's difficult to ignore the pressure of their exceptional attention.

And in the end, I couldn't say any of this to Shizuru, either. Whether that's my cowardice, or just sensible prudence, I'm not sure. But I know I wouldn't like Viola to talk to Shizuru about it, either. Perhaps it's better if I just keep it between the two of us, and never mind anyone else. I'm not sure where Saaya fits in, either. For all her pretence, she's more than just Viola's eyes, so should I ask her? If anyone would know what Viola intends, it would be Saaya. But somehow I don't think she'd tell me everything so easily.

Reito, too. Again, it's hard for me to work out what it is he intends. Perhaps he does just want to date me or whatever, and he's just a coward. Not that I can talk or anything. But he has all of Shizuru's worst habits, and to my eyes, is rather shorter on her redeeming features. On top of that, he's getting on far too well with the parents, so it worries me. That might just be civility, but he's the kind of person who might do it to gain influence. Of course, that old bastard says he's immune to that kind of person, but I doubt it. Being offended by bad flattery isn't the same thing at all. More importantly, the entire concept of him romantically pursuing me is a complication I don't need. I'm not interested, and I don't have the time for a butterfly dance of hints rejected and advances stalled before he gets the idea and backs off. Knowing me, I might inadvertently encourage him, or else just be so harsh to everything he says that it's unreasonable. Normally, I'd ask Shizuru, but this time I can't. She wouldn't let herself get involved, no matter how much I reassured her, which is really troublesome. Otherwise, I'd turn to Mai, but again, I'm strangely unwilling to do that. I'd have to explain the situation, which would be awkward. And then, I suppose, she'd expect me to explain my own position. I mean, it's not like she doesn't regard him as attractive and decent in his own right. In the same way as everything else with her, I don't want to deal with her questions. Possibly because I wouldn't like the answers, and possibly not.

Shiho's truculence and her provisional friendship with Shizuru, Mikoto's resentment of Tate and her unreconstructed violence, Tate on general principles, all of those things also count as problems, or at least potential ones. I don't really care about that stuff, though. I'm having a hard time dealing with the ones that relate to me and me alone.

Finally, there's the most difficult princess. Or, in other words, the simple fact is that Shizuru's issues haven't disappeared just because a whole bunch of other problems imposed themselves on me with a smile and a cheesy line about flowers. And Shizuru's problems are still my own, and beget plenty of my own problems in turn.

I sighed, looking up the ceiling. I could just about make it out in the dark. Quite possibly, Shizuru was staring up at the same ceiling, about six yards away but separated by a wall.

Close, but decisively apart. I'm no poet, but that'll do for a metaphor, I think.

Even if I say "I forgive you", it's only half forgiveness, and the rest is compassion for the person who is important to me, as I really dislike seeing her suffer. And that's fine in principle, but compassion hasn't got anything to do with whether or not she deserves such guilt and shame. Shizuru would know all of that. She's better than before, but she's still constrained. Even if she's accepting everything, she's still imposing boundaries on herself, whatever she regards as necessary safeguards for remaining a good person. Even if I say I like her, she might not accept my feelings without regard for her own. And even if she's smiling, that doesn't mean she's happy. So I'm still certainly troubled by her. That's not something that can easily be resolved. Perhaps it's only time and my patience that will allow her to trust herself again, and that's also fine in principle. If it was just doing that, I'd wait for her, for as long as it took. Somehow she always manages to make it worth my waiting. But we have a few weeks in uncertain circumstances, before she's taken from me again. I have a bad feeling, too. If I don't achieve something decisive with this time, it might end that way. Not in one day or with one parting, but slowly drifting apart, hardly seeing each other, less calls, and slow forgetfulness. If things end that way, I'll only have miserable regrets.

So even though we're close, we're decisively apart.

Reito's also showing how constrained she is. Perhaps I should be grateful insofar as he demonstrated that, but if I really thought about it, I'd probably guess anyway. She's already told me. Her romantic feelings, her love for me, she's repressing all of that and disowning it. It's not what she wants between us right now. Or, rather, that's not what I want between us. That's what she thinks, and for my sake she's trying hard to make it reality. Even if she can't control herself, and whether she likes or hates my situation, she won't ever let herself talk to me about her feelings, and my private life. "I'm not allowed to have an opinion." Another of her chains is that, but I doubt this one will go away even if she forgives herself over the Carnival. It's ordinary and human. In a way, it's a classic scenario, isn't it? The best friend who confesses his feelings after way too long, is rejected, and then tries hard to rebuild what friendship they had before. But my circumstances are more complicated, as are my feelings.

And I normally call Shizuru the one who over-complicates things, but in this instance, I'm the one who's thinking in intricate ways. My uncertain feelings, past and present, her feelings, and trying to understand how they're linked. Do I see her romantically, like her, love her? Is that notion just a matter of wishful thinking, my desire to conform to her expectations? Or is it sincere? Conversely, are my doubts a simple reaction to what she did to me, or genuine apprehension about my emotions? Is it even sensible to begin with, thinking of dating someone who pretty much raped you? If Shizuru was a man, wouldn't that be beyond messed up? So isn't it just the same anyway? The fact that my fear and resentment isn't overwhelming is certain, and I can find a lot of comfort in her warmth and hesitant affection. But does that make me the wrong one? Am I weird for forgiving her like this? Is it unnatural to begin with, for me to consider it? Are her feelings unnatural, or only human? Is it really okay to do something so dangerous as strain this already fragile, once shattered friendship in such a way? And when I rejected her so clearly back then, was I wrong, or have I changed? What made me change, if I never saw her that way before, and have more reason to resent her now?

That's my situation. For Shizuru, the situation is actually very simple. Her feelings are irrelevant, and her atonement is simply being a friend to me, in accordance with my desires. For her, even seeing me in a romantic light is undesirable, and that separation, just a friend, is to remain sacred and absolute, the only way for her to repent. Ironically enough the one thing that troubles me the most is the one aspect of her life that Shizuru is completely clear on.

And she's probably trying very earnestly to strangle her romantic love for me. There's something extremely displeasing about that prospect, under the circumstances. I came to such an understanding that I didn't resent it, even in the very end, but I suppose it's too much to ask her to be grateful for the feelings that turned her into a monster.

So I'm waiting sleeplessly in the dark, and thinking about these things, and thinking of her. Her eyes, her face, her smile. They're all rather fascinating, and fill me with such uncertainty. Calling her my most important person was enough for Duran, but the difference between that magical fighting and life is too great. The strong Hime happen to be the ones whose feelings were unrequited, of circumstance and sincerity, until the end. But if I can't say what she is to me, it's meaningless. Without that understanding of myself, she might as well be nothing to me, because I'll only end up hurting her again.

I'm also keeping myself awake, in a strange way, and strangely disappointed that she hasn't come to see me. And that just makes me feel like an idiot.

It makes me worry, actually. What if she was off doing something stupid again? If it was just kenjutsu and kata and all that, it would be okay, but I still don't trust her with a real sword when there's no one else around. Even if she didn't do anything, and she hasn't so far, she'd probably end up thinking about horribly morbid things, and make herself completely miserable again. And if she went to the pond again and carried on doing that, that would be even worse. I can understand she needs to do these things right now, but they still make me sick with worry. It's not natural or healthy, however I look at it. And this is why I try very hard to be around her, because she smiles me then, and I just know she thinks worse things when she's alone. I get that. If she'd just come and asked me to come with her, I'd feel a lot better.

And more than that, it feels like we can really talk in these late meetings. There's something honest about all of her, when she's wearing a plain kimono without artifice and her hair plainly. She doesn't have to reinvent herself for her parents or my friends, and she doesn't really try to hide her true nature from me. During that time, more than any other, she's just Shizuru. It's the only time when I feel like we're truly communicating, just the two of us, and it's actually enjoyable. Even if we're saying sad things, that's all I want to do. To feel like I'm helping her somehow, the way she helped me, and sharing in something. A sense that, somehow, I was different to her from other people, even from her parents. A sense that she wasn't quite the same as any of my friends. The idea that we shared something. With or without romantic attachments, that just feels right. After all this time and all this effort, we should have something special. It's something that gives some meaning to everything that came before, even the bad stuff. More than that, it's something of value to me here and now.

But she wasn't here. I sat and worried about that for far too long, wondering where she might be and what she might be doing, and telling myself I was being stupid and that I should just go to sleep without thinking about it. Even so, I wasn't very close to sleep, because when you have to consciously think of things like that you know you're really worried.

After about fifteen minutes of this, I groaned, sat up and pulled myself free of the futon. There was no way I'd sleep through mental images of her at the pond again. I closed the room, staggering slightly in the dark and reaching carefully for the door. It wasn't cold. On the contrary, I still felt a little hot, perhaps because I'd taken the precaution of wearing a shirt and shorts to bed. So I pulled the door open and stepped out into the corridor, keeping a hand against the wall. I wasn't Shizuru, and I didn't know this house quite so well that I was confident of blundering around it in the dark. At least my eyes had already adjusted.

My hand was on the door when I hesitated, remembering exactly what I was doing. Just what was I going to say if she was awake, anyway? There's no way it wouldn't look like me worrying about her. I'm sure she'll say something light and teasing. That would be really annoying.

So if she asks, just say of course I was worried, because or something, and try and push it onto her. That's an admission of concern, right? There's no need to totally embarrass myself.

With that, I opened the door and looked in. And Shizuru, all pale skin and brown hair and soft breathing, was soundly asleep.

I paused for a moment, probably with a stupid expression on my face. Then I laughed.

I really am a total idiot.

After a few moments, I remembered the situation and stifled myself. But she carried on sleeping undisturbed. I relaxed slightly, leaning against the doorframe and watching her affectionately. Honestly, angel in a cradle, the princess sleeping soundly. It's a rare sight, isn't it? But I suppose, even for her, she can't tangle herself in thought every day, and she can't deny herself forever. She's been pushing herself very hard. So it's only natural that she should sleep now, while she can. And if you were to ask me what would be best for her, it would be this. At the same time, it's the last thing I actually expected of her. If I focused, I could hear her breathing softly. Her face was calm, as well. Maybe she can have good dreams this time.

That's it, though, I guess. What Shizuru really should be doing isn't anything to do with her complicated ways of looking at things. The big questions and unreasonable things aren't easy to solve, no matter how much you think about them. So letting yourself do the small things is fine. No matter how much she thinks about her unrequited love, she can't change that situation very easily. But if she's tired, she can sleep. It's good to do the simple things.

And me, too. All of that stuff I was thinking about before really isn't very important. What Viola thinks or intends, do I really care? I can just forget it until she does something direct again. With Reito, too, he can do what he likes. I ignored Takeda for months, and that guy was the direct one. As for everyone else's problems, they're exactly that. I'm not being antisocial by saying that. I'm fine with the principle of helping other people. But I can only do what I can do, and right now, I need to worry about myself. So I can forget about all of that, and all the unnecessary things. They're not the important matter I came here to settle.

Honestly, Shizuru, I'm an idiot. Or am I getting more conscientious and paying more attention to everyone around me? Either way, I'm forgetting what I said when I first came here. My resolve was your feelings. To understand your feelings for me, and everything that meant, and my own feelings as well. You're waiting and waiting, right? But that must be tiring and lonely for you, as well. It's the same as that week, when you pushed me away, just waiting for me to stop you. And it's the same as the Carnival, as well.

I looked at her for a few more seconds before leaving. Then I went back to bed and fell asleep.

* * *

When I woke, Hideko was waiting for me. I was getting used to that, once again. And without words, we'd returned to how things were before, and I hadn't apologised. I don't know whether she minds or not, but I can't bring myself to change that. I'm still proud, and this is fine. "What time is it?" I asked quietly.

"It's about five to ten," Hideko replied quietly.

"Late, again?" Even so, I didn't get up straight away. It was probably okay. "I take I haven't missed anything important?"

Hideko shook her head. "Kuga-san has already risen, though. She got up quite early today."

"Natsuki did? That's rare." I closed my eyes, taking a breath. "Did someone wake her?"

"Not that I'm aware of, Ojou-sama. She ate at the formal time."

"And left me to be conspicuous only by my absence," I remarked, sighing and pushing myself up. "I guess I can't afford to simply laze around after all. It looks rather bad."

"Not at all, everyone here understands the situation. More than that, several of the guests were absent as well."

"Is that so?" I yawned, resting my hands on my knees. "But I am one of the hosts, after all. Wake me at the proper time tomorrow. Whatever Okasama tells you, too."

"As you say, Ojou-sama," Hideko said, nodding slightly. "You can rely on me."

"I know. And I take it you have things you want me to consider wearing?" I pushed my hair out of my eyes, trying to untangle the fringe from some of the more errant strands. "My, but it's a luxury. It certainly makes a change from just wearing my school uniform, day in and day out."

"As you say, Ojou-sama," Hideko replied, smiling. "That was a very difficult time for me. More importantly, I have a few options for you to consider."

"I'll take a look, then."

As usual, she helped me dress and combed my hair. It's a strange role, one that's really quite unnecessary, if useful. But as Okasama said once, Hideko isn't intended to be someone who can hold my clothes and fix my hair. Talking with her, leaving things to her and knowing I could count on her are the more valuable things. Trust will be rewarded in kind, so you can always get more out of people by trusting them with more. Though Otousama may not agree, and it's far for universal, but I guess it works out okay, every now and then.

After that, Hideko glided away, and I went to find Natsuki. Though, really, that wasn't very hard. She was in her room, fiddling with her shoulder bag. "Good morning," I said pleasantly.

"Good morning, Shizuru," Natsuki replied, looking at me and smiling. "You look a little better."

"Ara? I've been looking bad?" I asked playfully.

"Damn straight. It can't be helped, though." She frowned. "How are your injuries?"

"The bruising is fading fast. I really do heal well. And you?"

"It still hurts to walk. But not as much as before, at least." Natsuki stood, brushing herself off. "I'll manage. I always do."

"I'm a little surprised, though," I said. "Is it really sensible to wear those tight jeans of yours on a thigh wound?"

"It's fine. You just want to see me in a skirt again, don't you? Don't deny it!"

"I don't deny it, but that isn't associated with my inquiry," I said. It was good to feel more rested than usual, after all. I really should try this getting enough sleep business more often.

"Well, I'm wearing my clothes today. It'd be a waste not too, and all. You know, they're amazingly clean. Or did your people just buy new ones outright for me or something?"

"I don't know the exact method myself," I said innocently. "I'm not sure I want to know."

"Anyway, you're well-dressed, as usual. Don't make anyone jealous or anything. But, more importantly…" Natsuki glanced at me, rubbing the back of her head thoughtfully. "I'll be going out in a bit."

"Really?" I asked. "Are you going with Mai-chan and the others?"

Natsuki shook her head. "No. I'm just going out for a bit, by myself. I need to think about this and that, so…"

I smiled smoothly, deftly concealing my disappointment. "I understand. Will you be back for lunch?"

"Nah. I should be back for dinner, but I'll eat out. I made myself a lunch. Lots of mayo sandwiches!" Natsuki gave me a bright smile. "I'm looking forwards to it. I've got nothing against your classic stuff, but a change is nice."

"I'm a little surprised we even had mayonnaise in the kitchen," I confessed.

"Apparently, just for me. No offence, but you people have no taste." Natsuki scratched her neck, keeping her voice bright. "But it can't be helped. I suppose I should be grateful, actually, shouldn't I?"

"It's fine," I said dismissively. "We should have had it in the first place."

"Well, that's true. I can't argue with that." Natsuki glanced at me for another moment, then looked around. "Hey, where did you people put my shoes?"

"Try the bottom of the wardrobe," I said automatically.

"Really?" Natsuki turned and checked. "Hey, that's just weird!"

"It's normal, isn't it?" I said, a little bemused.

"Not at all. I just kick them under the sofa or whatever." Natsuki took her shoes and sat, slipping them onto her feet. "But yeah, you have good timing, as well. That's how it is. I guess I'll be going in a minute."

"Ah. Fair enough." I regarded her for a moment, wondering whether to make some quip about being lonely without her. In the end, I decided against it.

"I don't know what the others intend, so don't let them wreak the house or anything," Natsuki said. "What Mikoto, especially."

"Will you be okay?" I asked abruptly, remembering it. I tried to ignore the unpleasant clenching of my stomach, simply focusing on what was important right now. "I understand I'm their main target, but you're also a Hime. No, more than that, I suppose someone might use you to draw me out. It's still a little dangerous."

"You know me. I'll be fine." Natsuki grinned. "This time, I remembered to bring my knives. If we can take down a lone gunmen unarmed, it stands to reason I can kill at least five to ten dudes with guns with a knife. That's just maths."

"So this is why you have problems with maths," I murmured. "Putting that aside, I'm not sure if this is the most suitable subject to joke about."

"Loosen up. I know it's serious, but I'll be okay." Natsuki shrugged. "I haven't heard anything from my contact. I can still look after myself, too. Things should be fine. More importantly, even if it's safe, I can't just live a life hiding from shadows. You know how I am."

"Very reckless," I said dryly. "But I'll have to forgive you. And if it's you, I also feel that, somehow, things will turn out okay. You are good at what you do."

"Right. Worry about yourself, too." Natsuki stood again. "If someone was serious, this house isn't all that safe either. Even though there's like forty people here, if I was to guess the ones who could actually fight would be… us, Mikoto, Reito, maybe Tate, maybe Mai, and, I guess, that old bastard too. If he was in, and if he isn't just talk. And when the others go, just us two and him. All swords. It's pretty tough."

"Well, don't take our security too lightly," I said. "But I take your point. I suppose I haven't really been thinking about it, but I would certainly hate to endanger everyone here."

"If it comes to it, you aren't allowed to have an opinion," Natsuki said forcefully. "Otherwise you'll just surrender again. That's not stabbed last time, and it's not cool!"

I sighed, touching my forehead briefly. "I'll bear that in mind."

Natsuki stepped closer, looking around. "Anyway, I keep my gun in a box in a box in my bag in the bottom drawer of that chest of drawers. I doubt it'll come to that, of course."

I blinked. "You really go too far…"

"Hardly. This is nothing. I might get you one at some point, actually, and teach you quietly. It'd stop me from worrying quite so much." Natsuki touched me on the shoulder, smiling. "Anyway, I'll leave here to you. Just wait patiently until I get back, okay?"

I blinked. "Okay."

"Good girl." Natsuki stepped past me and headed for the door.

"Ara. Natsuki is in a very good mood," I remarked, turning to follow her with my eyes. Somehow that didn't reassure me.

"Of course," Natsuki said irrelevantly. "It's summer, right? What's there to be depressed about?"

I had to smile at that. "Apart from our indeterminate possible assassins? Nothing much, I suppose."

"Ah. They're probably on holiday too."

"Wait a second," I said abruptly.

Natsuki stopped, looking at me expectantly.

I stepped past her, heading back to my room. "Just wait there for a second like a good girl."

"You just wanted to get back at me, didn't you?"

"A little," I admitted. I had placed it next to my Daisho, of course. I took it from there and returned, holding it out. "Take this with you."

Natsuki blinked, taking it hesitantly. "This is your dagger, right?"

I winced. "Tanto, tanto. Nothing so European-sounding… it's a useful weapon, though, and easily concealed."

"Sure, but don't you need it?"

"Not really. If our eight million assassins attack, I still have my swords and naginata. It's not a problem." I smiled at her. "But, you know, the tanto isn't part of the Daisho. All the same, it was the weapon samurai used alongside the katana when they were actually fighting. And for me, it's an important weapon I can use to kill people in various ways."

"Charming," Natsuki said wryly. "I'll treasure it."

"Please do. If you have to go alone, this is all I can do." I gave her an affectionate smile. "Take care."

"It's no fair. I never get the last word." Natsuki grinned, waving her hand. "Alright. I'll see you later."

"Bye." She turned and walked away, and I watched her go. I considered seeing her out, but I wasn't sure whether she'd want that. I might have gone too far already, but I couldn't help it.

Even if I can't be with her, I want some part of me to be whether. Whether that's an object or a feeling or just a memory. And standing here lost after she's gone, it makes me wonder how I'll feel when we really do separate. What will I be to her future self? A bad memory? A good one? Or just myself?

I don't know, but I don't want to think of such gloomy things right now. Though I don't understand, I also don't want to betray Natsuki's hopeful smile. I'm sure she wouldn't want me to be sad.

I owe her many things, so I'll bear them all in mind, and try not to sulk. But it really is depressing, the fact that I already miss her being here.


	47. Chapter 47

**Windows of the Soul: Part Forty-Seven**

This chapter is stylistically different from the others in various ways. Please don't take the usual things for granted when reading it.

Since Aesyl asked, I'll be reading History at Uni next year. Perhaps it would be a good idea for me to study some Japanese history, too...

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Life with the Fujino is luxurious to the point of oppression. In this instance, a chauffeur was assisting my grand gesture of independence. That's rather humiliating, but a little more convenient, so I tolerated it. It made me think, though, when I looked out the window. Haven't you always lived like this? A convenient existence, to be sure. But then you were sent to Fuka, far away. And what was it Viola said? To avoid spoiling you was her meaning, anyway. That viewpoint is at once sensible and strange, don't you think? I'm not saying being spoiled is good, but isn't it still normal? But in any case, why Fuka? It's not like you needed the scholarship. Is the old man some kind of miser, after all? Or did they just rate the school anyway? But, I mean, a twelve-year-old ran it, however you look at it. Or a dwarf, if you're being charitable. I would love to be at those meetings. Even so, you might easily have gone somewhere else, right? It's not like they were interested in the school being local. And there, but for whimsical fate and a birthmark, I'd never have met you. And did it have to be you? Us? Or were there a whole bunch of girls with the mark, and we were merely the ones who were in the wrong place at the wrong time? Heck, do boys have it? Is it genetic? Can you isolate a Hime gene? I've been wondering, but I have no idea. Maybe we should ask Midori, but does it really matter any more?

Yeah. Some Hime hunter I am, quite apart from missing the fact that my best friend of years was one. I never even considered it, at the time. As you know, I prefer dealing with the things I can see, one of the things that messes me up so much when I'm blind-sided. That's my fault, as much as yours.

But, anyway, I was in that kind of mood, one with a lot of strange associations. You know, right? Just every so often, you can reflect on the fact that life's really complex and chaotic. But for this or that, something else would happen, or wouldn't, circumstances would change, and I wouldn't be myself as I am right now. Or not, perhaps. It's funny, isn't it? A weird thing to think about. It doesn't even have to have anything to do with the Carnival, though that doesn't help. Things are just like that, all the time. It's fine to look at that for a few moments, looking back and wondering at the things that might have occurred. Sometimes, you're glad. A chance meeting. Your smile, your words. Renting a computer, with teasing for interest. I definitely never felt like I was ripping you off on that one. I'm glad for all that, but you can also have a whole bunch of regrets, as well. That's the main reason why it's only an every-so-often pastime. Too much of this thinking could kill you, you know? I keep telling you that.

I really hate regrets, and so myself.

But none of that is really very important, right? The future comes first, because it's going to happen to us now.

I wish my bike was here. I miss being close to the road, feeling the wind and hearing the roar. Compared to that, being a passenger in a car is the most pedestrian experience imaginable. It's more pedestrian than walking, damnit. When I'm in a car, I'm just sitting there, with nothing to do but think about random things! I don't like it, and again, it's a very Fujino-like way of doing things. Definitely your style and I prefer my life in that respect. But I suppose in this case, I'm the strange one, aren't I? Cars and buses and trains, they're the same and worse. But even if I'm the strange one, I'm fine with that. I always am the strange one.

And I always took a ride on my bike when I was agitated before. The speed was very therapeutic. I'm sure they've done studies and everything. You shouldn't laugh. But it was also a way of wasting time and clearing my mind before I really went at something. So it doesn't solve a problem. But it's part of solving a problem, the step before any actual work takes place. Like sleep is necessary for revision. Or a better way of putting it would be to say it's like you playing with swords at one in the morning. It's probably good for something. But I'm not a subtle person. Once I've cleared my mind, I pretty much rush in. Climatic battles are fine by me, if they'll settle a problem. Even if they don't, trying to settle something once and for by other means is also good. I don't like sitting around when things are less than fine, though. It doesn't suit my style. Smiling and pretending everything is perfect when it's anything but takes far more patience. It's actually admirable, as far as I'm concerned. It must take some serious discipline.

No. I wouldn't call it cowardice.

And of course, I was worrying about you. Kinda. You know, I'm always doing that. I won't complain. I've already complained so much about it that it's past your irresponsibility, and straight back into my hands as being the idiot who worries far too much for my own good. Either you have a worry-causing power, or I have a complex. I never considered myself neurotic, you know, but maybe I am. Or is that worrying about something? I'm screwed, aren't I? Don't smirk, you're crazy too.

To be honest, though, saying it was about you isn't wrong or right. I was also worrying about myself, in a strange kind of way. I had a lot to think about, like I said earlier. How would you say it? When I first met you, I was assured for ten seconds then confused for as many weeks. I was the loner. So why was this random older girl approaching me, even once, forget many times after? At first I thought you had no friends either, then I learned that you were the most popular girl in your year. And that didn't make any sense at all. I found it really weird. I spent a long time trying to figure you out. Maybe you were a bully. You'd make nice now, and then demand something. Or else you just wanted to play with me for a bit and then say something nasty. Or you just wanted an errand girl, or you were using me to show your friends how kind you were. Paranoia can come up with all sorts of things, I'm afraid. But I'm rambling, aren't I? None of this really matters, and it isn't what I meant to say.

I guess it'll keep.

Anyway, looking out the window, cars going by, blah blah blah. I'm just setting the stage. Not that it really gets more exciting, so I'll skip ahead. An alien attacked me later. No, seriously. Or, rather, I should be so lucky. Or is that you should be so lucky? I didn't really experience anything exciting at all, but you're still not allowed to go to sleep or anything. I'd kick you in the shins.

But it's strange, isn't it? I've been in Kyoto, somewhat, for the longest time. Oh, fine. A week. Has it really been such a short amount of time? That's hard to believe. So much has happened. We sure lead over-exciting lives, I guess. Or we manage to fill the time edgeways somehow anyway. But, damnit, you're sidetracking me again. The point is that even though I'm in Kyoto, I haven't seen Kyoto. This house is like another world, this bizarre self-sufficient island. Do you know where the food comes from? I don't. And don't say "the kitchens". You know, it's like a clock, isn't it? On the face of it, it's calm and tranquil. Granted, when Mikoto isn't taking on the old man. But underneath, there's an awful lot of activity. A load. I'm not involved, though. We haven't had the chance to go out much, one way or another. Go outside, you know. And the garden doesn't count. Honestly, I know it can't be helped, but it's very frustrating. From now on, we have to go out and do things a lot more, okay? If we just stay like this, it feels like a point given to the people chasing us, or something. And I didn't even meet any, you know? I'm almost disappointed. I wanted to use your tanto.

Alright, alright, I get it.

But I got to spend a whole day in Kyoto, after they dropped me off. What were you doing? Playing hide and seek with Mikoto or something? Actually, I'd love to see that. It would be amazing. Regardless, I also had a great time. There was a lot to see, even if there wasn't really anyone to talk to. But I didn't really do the shrines and all that. It's not my style. To be honest, being a tourist or something isn't my style either, but it was better than sitting around all day. I had a look at that Costume Museum thing, but I didn't go in. No wonder Hideko recommended it. You must have gone all the damn time when you were a kid, right? It would make sense under the circumstances. Ha. I thought so. And before you get sniffy, I went to one of the big temples afterwards. It was close, so it was convenient. Very rich looking, you know? I was impressed. Yeah, religion looks best when there's gold-plated stuff everywhere. More than the richness of the soul and whatnot, isn't that something anyone can understand?

And now you're being sniffy again. I was kidding, already! It was nice to look at, anyway, and I went to the other one afterwards. Honestly, it's half-convenient, and half a pain, that they're so damn close together. It's free, as well, and that really is convenient.

Yes, yes, I know. But you really like temples, don't you? Did you come there a lot as a child as well? I guess having so many huge shrines in your back yard must be convenient after all. But doesn't your family do all the Shinto stuff? Anything but those vulgar Western religions, then? You people are so predictable.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. But it was too bad you weren't there, anyway. I'm sure you would have loved it, and more to the point, you could have told me everything about them. I hate guided tours, you know. Too many damn brats and old people and tourists. I don't like any of them. I'm not racist or anything, but the last time someone talked to me with an American accent they were taking over our school with paramilitaries. Unless you count the time after that when the one guy told me my whole life was founded on a lie. What am I supposed to think?

Next time, though, we'll go together, okay?

After that, the Shosei-en. It feels like I'm all gardened out, though. This is all your fault for having one too. Theirs is better, though.

It was pretty lonely without having anyone else to go with, to be honest. Isn't a little sad to be wandering around places like that all alone? I felt pretty stupid, to be honest. Everyone with their families or friends, couples too. But I'm pretty sure that we'd end up in jail if we tried to take Mikoto to something like that. Maybe it's for the best, after all. It would have been better if you were there, though, again. I must sound like an idiot, right? I was the one who insisted on going alone, after all. Would you have gone with me otherwise?

Oh, come on. You still had everyone else to talk to. You had better not have spent all the time moping!

Of course, the last time we went out together, someone tried to kill us. But that's just a minor detail. I'm sure that won't happen again, probably. And it is better to do things like that together, after all. You know, that's kinda what happened. I was almost wishing I hadn't been so stubborn, when I was there. Luckily, these guys saw me wandering around randomly and picked me up. One of them was really handsome… would that make you mad? Very cold. I'm kidding, again. Maybe some people thought about it, though. Hmm, I wonder. Perhaps? But it's fine, you know. The Natsuki special glare has the stopping power of a .44 round, point blank. And even if people didn't get the hint, I'm sure I could hypothetically tell them where to go. I can look after myself, after all.

I ate my lunch afterwards. Sandwiches are very convenient; you can eat on the move. But I went and found somewhere to sit down, all the same. I had to get on with my thinking, after all. That's why I'd gone there in the first place. Of course, temples and gardens do not fascinate me so I'd been doing some thinking before, too.

Hmm. I can't tell you, it's a secret. It's kinda embarrassing, you know?

I haven't finished the story yet, either. I went to the food market and the Museum of Kyoto and the Manga Museum, and I fully intend to go on about them for the next hour! Or is that being unfair? You know me, I'm just stalling again, I guess. Don't tell me you don't do that as well. Whenever there's an important thing to say, finding anything else to talk about, and being shy about things… I'm not that brave, you know. That's why I was always a little put out when you talked as if I was a strong person. I know you can be weak, but so can I. It's fine, isn't it?

You're still using weird logic, that's for sure.

I started saying it before, really. I don't know whether you remember. And the strange thing is that I really don't know whether I'm telling you anything, you know? You're really smart, Shizuru, you can perceive a lot of things. I'm sure there were plenty of times when you knew more about what I was thinking and feeling than I did. So, in the end, I'm not sure at all. It's a bit awkward for me, right? But don't answer that. Maybe it's important that I say it, whether you already know or not? I don't know. That feels like what Mai would say in this situation.

But we really have known each other for a while, haven't we? Years. And I've changed a lot. I guess you've changed, too. That's what happens, but it's still something we share, right? There are a lot of memories.

But at first, I had no idea where I stood with you. That's what I was saying before. I wasn't used to people being kind to me, because I wasn't kind to them. I didn't really get it at all, why you were so kind even when I was being unfriendly. To be honest, I still don't. Did you have a real reason? But, it doesn't matter, right? You're allowed to have some secrets. It messed me up at the time, though. I was scared, not because I hated your friendship, but because I liked it. I wasn't supposed to be like that. I was supposed to be a driven person, and besides, everyone betrayed me. So if I liked you, what would I feel like when you went away again? How could I deal with that kind of uncertainty? It was very strange, but because of the way I thought back then, the fact that I liked you really was a guilty pleasure. So I was very cold, far colder than I was even to other people. I tried to push you away, but I was only using one hand for that, and it didn't give me any satisfaction. At that time, too, I was terrified. If I really did drive you away, if you really did forget me, I wasn't really sure what I'd do. My actions and my real feelings weren't the same at all. That happens to me a lot. So I was very glad for the fact that you let yourself see past that, and gave me a chance to come to like you. I guess all I really wanted was reassurance that you really cared. I was messed up, to be honest, and in a small way I really did end up counting on you.

It's like a home, or family. As far as I can tell, it's where you can go unconditionally, regardless of trouble, regardless of whether you go there or not. It doesn't have to be around every day, it just has to be, even if it's far away. If that's the case, then you were my family, though I probably wasn't the same thing to you. But I really needed anything I could get.

Do I sound sentimental? You know, I hate stuff like this. I'm not a touchy-feely kind of girl who gets off on soft words and whatnot, so it's really… embarrassing, for me to say anything sincere at all. It makes me feel really exposed. Does that mean sentimental people are brave? Or maybe they're just shameless, after all. You know, I think I'm going to have to stay the same as I've always been. If that's okay, please put up with me. I'm going to at least try to be a little more honest from now on.

You know, I've been trying to be what you were to me then, these last few weeks. I don't think I've been doing a very good job, though. I keep tripping over my own feet and saying the wrong things. Even so, please bear it in mind. If you want to cry, it's okay. If you want to kick and scream, that's also fine. No matter what, I'll keep smiling right here. I won't leave because I don't surrender.

I'm always stubborn like that, aren't I?

You know, I won't let you talk about what you do or don't deserve, okay? Did I really deserve that kindness from you? I know, I had my problems and my sincere concerns, but so do you right now. Even so, society judges things from results. A cold and antisocial girl with an attitude problem is just that. Even so, you were kind to me. Right now, I don't want you to tell me about what you do or don't deserve. It hurts me, as well, when you hurt yourself, and there are more ways to do that than simply using a knife or cold water. So, don't do that any more. For my sake, too. And you'll get what you're given, too, without complaining!

On top of that, stop deciding things all on your own! I told you last time, didn't I? You really are the worst, Shizuru. If you're worried about me, then ask me… I'll probably be honest with you in the end, after I've finished talking about my sandwiches. But you shouldn't trouble me so much just because of this, you know. Concern is fine, but how do you manage to draw conclusions that are the complete opposite of the actual situation? And I won't forgive him, either. I totally blame him for all of this.

Yeah, yeah. I'll be civil. But you have to admit, you really went too far this time. It's not like you to jump to weird conclusions.

Honestly, you really are an idiot.

I was thinking about you, though. It was a beautiful day, all blue sky and fresh air. Normally, I could care less, but you know. Sets the scene, again. My legs were tired from so much walking, because I've become really unfit sitting around all day and just talking to people. Well, also because I'd been standing up for several hours straight and walking around in crowds. Oh, and I had been careful to check my back every so often and make sure I wasn't being followed. I'm pretty sure I wasn't. You don't need to worry about that, either. I can take care of myself, again, and as you can see, I'm fine. I guess they don't want to kill us that much. I'm almost disappointed.

Oh, come on. Just play along with me, already.

It didn't really hurt, actually. Well, okay, that's a lie. Walking on it was pretty difficult after a while, but it just hurt a little, nothing major. As you say, we heal fast or something. And I could rest it when I sat down from time to time. I enjoyed that, as well. Mayonnaise and tomato sandwiches, a bench and some peace without using ice cream to buy a peace. Mikoto, I mean. Somehow, I doubt you're so simple… but I, on the other hand, I'm a simple girl at heart.

Yeah, you should. Just as long as you can settle for being number two in my heart. Food is food… but, yeah. I was thinking of strange things, you know? Well, you. Not that I'm saying your strange. Not that I'm not saying you're strange, you are kinda strange, but it's okay. You are you.

Hey, it sounds cool, damnit! Don't question my awesome one-liners.

I'm getting side-tracked again. But I was sitting on that bench and eating and watching people pass me by. Kyoto really is strange. They aren't kidding about the new and old stuff, are they? I checked out the station later, and it really is crazily different. And there were a lot of different people, as well. Some employees on their lunch-break, of course, but mostly tourists. Even so, a lot of different kinds of people, too. I kinda mentioned it before. Young and old, Japanese and foreign, families and friends and couples. Really, just ordinary people. I did notice there weren't so many couples, though. You see, Shizuru, shrines just aren't very romantic. Next time I'll make you take me somewhere better, then we can go to a shrine. Am I allowed to say that?

I was thinking of things like that. It's fun to observe your environment every now and then, after all. And, I guess you could say that you weren't wrong, if you guessed what I think you guessed. I was thinking about you, and me, and us. As I've been saying, at great length… when we met, I didn't understand you. I was thinking about that, as well, and how we've changed. How our understand of each other has changed. After a while, I learned to take you for granted. You were always there, and I came accustomed to that. That's what I mean by you being family, in a way. No one said that family is kind. Children don't have to be grateful, and mothers don't have to be kind. Some of the mothers I saw seemed kind, and a few weren't, but I can't tell everything just from a glance. Even so, did I ever give you anything more than a glance, after a while?

Maybe it's understandable. I was leaning on the one person I trusted in the whole world, so perhaps it was inevitable that I'd only see exactly what I wanted from you. A kind of security that was completely static, reliable but sedate, and not something that demanded anything. I'm not blaming you, though. Some of what you did was wrong, but I also forced you into a corner, like that. Your feelings are only natural, so you shouldn't make me sad by saying things like that. Whatever else happens, that won't make me happy at all.

And the Carnival, of course. That's what… is difficult for me. You have to understand I'm not condemning you. In a way, I'm apologising. But that destroyed my old certainties and my understanding of our relationship became equivocal after that point. You've done so much for me, but you've also hurt me a lot. Probably, more so than my mother.

I'm not dwelling on this to be unkind. But I think I should be honest with you, and all of that is true. Whatever else I might think, I can't forget that. And I can't just pretend it wasn't important.

All the same, I asked you to forgive yourself. I meant that, and I still do.

This is also something I decided, maybe then, maybe before then. But I can't dwell in the past forever. If I was a different kind of person, being cautious might be better. But I'm your Natsuki. I'm stubborn, and I can get up even if I'm pushed over, provided people give me a minute to pull myself together. I'm hypocritical and cool and proud, and I don't actually have very much to be proud of. I don't have a family, and you're not family to me any more. That's also changed in various ways. I don't have many bonds, so they're all valuable. I tend to take risks, and I'm not afraid of combat. That isn't a matter of being brave as such. For me, at least, it's a kind of arrogance that doesn't involve much thought. Perhaps I was spoiled by my powers, but I didn't really plan ahead. I fought anyone with the assumption that, somehow, things would always turn okay, because of my own strength and luck. I was right, barely, until I saw you and your power. After that, I couldn't just believe in happy endings. Life wouldn't turn out nicely just for me, and if I fought I would surely die. You made me think of those things.

But I ended up fighting you. And at that time, I wasn't any less confidant than before. Rather, I was a lot stronger. It wasn't 'I would win', but 'I have to win'. I fought for my own reasons. Not because I hated you, and not because I was a righteous paragon of justice. I had to stop you, that was all. For your sake as well as for mine, and because we didn't to just accept the wrong outcome. That was Mai's fight, wasn't it? But ours as well. At least, that's what I feel. Both of us thought that we had to kill to win. But, still, in the end, I didn't want to end things that way. For us, as well, I didn't just want to accept the mantle of being your enemy. That would be too heavy for me, so even though I had to stop… I'm not sure, even now. I didn't really understand. I just knew I had to stop you, and make you understand, while understanding your feelings. You were probably more important to me than anyone else at that time. Certainly, I was less important.

None of this is quite what I want to think, though, and quite what I want to see. All of these thoughts twisted around inside me, as they'd done for days. Was I really progressing? Can I actually learn anything? Can I do anything, or should I do anything, in my situation?

I'm a simple girl.

So, sitting there and eating a sandwich wasn't bad. Walking around the temples and the gardens wasn't bad, either. But I would definitely enjoy it far more if I was there with you. And that, at least, was a simple truth.

Good memories and bad memories are exactly that, the past. I still carry them with me, and they are important. But we're here now. If I have bad memories with you, that doesn't have to be the end of anything. If I make a lot of good memories with you from now on, that's fine, isn't it? Little by little, and we've already begun. Because I seriously hate having regrets, I don't want to live that way any more.

I decided that, as well. That feeling, I'd certainly remember, and I'd convey it to you. I really, really wanted you to understand.

That isn't exactly what I wanted to say, either, though. It's part of it.

I either know what you are to me, or I don't, and I know there's no more useless statement than that in all the world. Uncertainty can be charming and I have some wry memories of my past, but certainty is better in the end. For all I say that, though, it has to be the same for you. The comfortable experience of myself as your friend at that time was a lie, wasn't it? But that's not an accusation, again. I understand your feelings, too. To protect me, and yourself, and what we already had, you sought to suppress your real feelings for me. You probably thought that was consideration, or at least sensible prudence, and what you had at risk was so much greater than what I was risking, in that relationship. It would truly hurt you if I rejected you, so you said nothing. Perhaps your courage failed you, as well. Perhaps you didn't understand, at first, exactly what it was you were feeling for me. I know it wasn't easy for you. I've been experiencing similar things, as well.

But you were wrong. Even if you continued to smile, you were injured inside. It was painful and hard for you. I know that now, as I've been experiencing similar things as well. It was wrong for you, but also for me. I was your friend, and I did care about you, so I would never want you to be so burdened and sad. Even if you could conceal it that wouldn't change. It wasn't a real understanding I had, at that time. We couldn't continue forever like that, and I wouldn't have been happy if I'd understood. You can't conceal your pain from me any more, and I can't conceal my pain from you any more, because we care about each other.

That's why, this time, I'm going to say clearly what my heart sincerely feels.


	48. Chapter 48

**Windows of the Soul: Part Forty-Eight**

Last chapters reviews was an impressive case of the silent majority. A commemoration for over 250,000 words?

My conciet aside, we return to your regularly scheduled programming.

* * *

It was a little strange, wondering what to do with a day without Natsuki. I've been very spoiled, I suppose, by her presence before now. Of course, I didn't spend all my time in her, though you could make a case for that being my graceful recognition of the inevitable rather than my own volition. Even so, she always was there, I suppose, and that comforted me. It's strange for her to do this, all of a sudden. It makes me feel a little displaced, and a little bemused about what I should do next. I suppose I could spend time with the others, but that might be too tiring. It's bad of me to think that way, I know, but I can't help it. Perhaps later, as I've only just got up. In the meantime, at least, I can use this as a chance to catch up on my reading.

I did go to the lounge, though. I suppose moping in my room would look bad. More than that, someone might tell Natsuki.

When I entered, someone else was moping in a pseudo-social location. "Ara." I glanced at Shiho, smiling slightly. "You're rather reliable, aren't you?"

"Oh?" she asked, disinterest plain in her voice. Reading manga again, of course.

"I'm just not used to seeing people in here regularly, apart from Okasama," I clarified, sitting down opposite her. "There are plenty of other places to read, but it's nice to see you feel it home here."

"It's just a convenient place to sit," Shiho retorted. "Don't read too much into it."

"Of course. But it's my convenient place to sit, as well," I replied evenly. "Isn't it nice to have something in common? Or more than that, something common with Okasama, as well…"

"It's not she can read or anything," Shiho said. "Besides, that other one is weird. She always goes on about my hair and clothes."

"Saaya? Well, that's just her way. At least she wasn't reading something for Okasama." I smiled. "You should be careful what you think of. Nothing's more distracting than trying to read through someone else's story, more often than not dreary Russian things."

"Whatever you say. But you've probably read the same books," Shiho retorted.

"Really only a little. I prefer lighter fare, myself. Suicide, murder and gloomy things are all a little depressing, don't you think?" I said innocently.

"Life in art," Shiho quipped shortly.

I winced, trying not to sigh. At the very least, this was a conversation, and almost a normal one at that. "A girl like you shouldn't be so gloomy," I said, mock-reproachfully. "You're young, aren't you? Those things being as they are, there's no need to think about them all the time."

"I've seen what I've seen. All the same, that's your interest, not mine." Shiho shrugged, turning another page. "That's why I read shoujo manga instead."

"I suppose I can't argue with that," I admitted lightly. "But right now, I'm reading something lighter myself. If reading is escapism, doesn't it make sense to read things that are opposite your own experiences?"

"That's why I'm reading this," Shiho remarked idly. "And it's also why I don't read manga about kids with super-powers."

"Touché. And very blunt." I looked around thoughtfully. "The others?"

"Mikoto and her brother are waving sticks around in the dojo. It's almost depressing how enthusiastic she is about that stuff." Shiho frowned, turning another page. "Mai and Onii-chan have disappeared again."

"I see," I said. That was incautious of me. My tact is rather fractured, compared to my past self.

"How about your girl? She ate early, and said something about going somewhere. Aren't you on a date or something like that?" Shiho spoke forcefully, as ever, making questions into accusations. She has a talent for that.

"It's nothing like that," I replied calmly. "Natsuki's gone out alone. Apparently, she needs some time to think without anyone distracting her."

"Really?" Shiho asked, glancing at me for a moment. "What a strange girl." She returned her attention to her manga again.

"It's nothing like that," I replied reasonably. "I'm sure you also have times like that, after all. It's only to be expected, and to say that so clearly and do it so directly, rather than just hiding in some corner of the house… is very Natsuki-like, really."

"I don't hide in corners."

I blinked. "I never said you did."

"Humph." Shiho glanced at me. "That's fine. But what does she have to worry about? Aren't you the one who's always worrying about it all?"

"Apparently, about me, rather a lot," I confessed. "But, it wasn't like she was in a bad mood. Quite the opposite."

"Then she really is strange. The only thing worth thinking about around here is what to have for dinner." Shiho gave me a sharp look. "But you'd better not be moping. I don't want to have to listen to you moping or anything."

"Thank you for your concern," I said dryly. "I'm not moping, all the same. I don't have anything to mope about."

"I'm sure," Shiho said sarcastically.

"Some things can't be helped, right? I'm sure you feel that from time to time, as well," I said reasonably. "But there's no reason to mope about it."

"Not having a reason and not doing it are different. But whatever you say."

We both lapsed into silence for a moment. I frowned. "I don't suppose you know where Okasama is?"

Shiho shook her heard. "How would I know?"

"I suppose not," I admitted. "I was just curious. Most likely she's working, anyway."

"What does she do, anyway? I don't get it."

"She manages various financial matters, with Saaya's assistance, and accountants elsewhere," I explained briefly. "Investment in several forms, shares, property, and so on. She also manages the household accounts and keeps an informal eye on Otousama's company, and other matters of interest."

Shiho snorted. "Scary. You really do have strange parents."

"I'm afraid so. She's very skilled, though." I shrugged. "Naturally, I admire her a great deal. It isn't easy for her to work with her sight. If it weren't for Saaya, it would probably be impossible. They share a great trust."

"Wonderful," Shiho said, sounding underwhelmed. "They're kinda scary, though. They listen too much."

"Do you think?" I asked curiously.

"Definitely. I can tell because I'm often just watching all of you," Shiho said. "But even if they're speaking, they're listening. And when they're not, they watch carefully. The same as you, really."

"I don't think I do anything like that, myself," I replied. Not out of any resentment for the idea, it's only good practise. But I haven't been paying much attention to others recently, after all.

"Well, whatever you say." We both lapsed into silence again, but this time it was Shiho who spoke again, before I could think of anything else to say. "You know, you should be careful."

I blinked. "Yes?"

"You're trying to keep that a secret, aren't you?" Shiho probed, looking up at me again. "We all know, but you wouldn't like your parents to know, right? I mean, my grandfather would kill me. It's normal."

"I'm not systematically concealing the truth," I said cautiously. "But with that said, I don't feel any need to correct them in an unnecessary direction, especially under the circumstances."

"So you're trying to keep it a secret. That's fine." Shiho shrugged. "It's just that Mikoto's brother has been talking with your mother an awful lot. Actually, I learned a lot myself, from listening to him."

I blanched. "You don't mean he talked about it?"

"Not really. Just about the past, and some events he remembers, especially what you told him. Nothing about the Carnival, of course." Shiho shrugged. "Nothing outright. So if you think I'm being paranoid, think so. But if I were trying to keep a secret like that, I wouldn't want people knowing much. To be honest, you're not subtle anyway."

"You have a very cunning frame of mind," I said weakly. "I'm sure I never thought about things like that."

But of course, what she guesses, I know. For Okasama, drawing conclusions based on inference alone, or at least posing many different hypothesis, is natural. To implicitly understand is her courtesy. But I shouldn't worry just from that. Her intuition is just that, and her deduction is human. I know myself the limits of perception, especially from report. How much is coloured by the speaker, and how significant something really was, all of those are uncertain points. Even then, my past isn't that incriminating, putting the Carnival aside. It's just anecdotes to her, and even if she considered something like that, it would be as an unlikely hypothesis. And Reito has a similar way of thinking to the two of us. If it were him, he wouldn't say anything unduly careless or suggestive. He is, at least, reliable in that respect. And his agenda is as simple as wanting to get to know my parents better.

"I didn't know you knew each other for that long, though," Shiho said quietly. "I was surprised. Of course, I've known Onii-chan for a lot longer…"

There wouldn't be evidence. Evidence, outside the Carnival, doesn't exist, and Okasama doesn't jump to conclusions without caveats. So, this would be a hypothesis she'd entertain, at worst.

I blinked. And when you're thinking like this, you can't observe anything else. "Yes. I forget every so often myself. It feels shorter."

"And even you did a lot of kind things for her, right?" Shiho demanded, glaring at me. "You worked hard, didn't you, to make her happy?"

"I did some things, though I wouldn't go that far," I said cautiously.

"But even so, we end up like this. Even though we've done a lot more." Shiho closed her eyes. "It's unfair. It really is the worst."

I tried to think of something to say to that. "I know, but life isn't all about preferred outcomes. I think what first interested me about Natsuki was the fact that she didn't easily fall into my way of the world."

"Then you're stupid, but I don't care," Shiho said curtly. "I know it, already. Life isn't fair and all that. I hate that! So what? Why isn't it unfair in our favour?"

"I don't think there is a reason," I replied slowly. "But, conversely, no one asked us to like this situation. We just have to accept it."

"Onii-chan wants me to like it. So does Mai. So do you. You all keep thinking that things would be better and easier if I smiled and wished them well." Shiho glared at me. "But whatever."

"Politeness and true approval aren't the same thing," I said sharply. "No one is asking us for the latter, or if they are, that is wrong. But we would be wrong if we weren't polite and graceful about the situation. Forcing our resentment onto others wouldn't change anything."

"I know that, already," Shiho said shortly.

"Then… you should bear that in mind," I replied, biting back a harsher retort. Honesty in itself was progress.

"You always say stuff like that. But you really agree with me, don't you?" Shiho returned to her manga. "Even if you say kind things you really hate it."

I looked down, opening my own book. "Whether or not that's true, my own feelings have no bearing on this situation."

Shiho just snorted.

Stay calm, and don't think of unproductive things. More to the point, I was thinking about Okasama. If there's any chance of her learning, that's a greater worry than this. If it's a hypothesis, she would test it, simply to be thorough. The evidence she needs is the truth I know, and Natsuki knows. As Shiho says, we all know it. Even so, she wouldn't just ask and instinctively we wouldn't just answer honestly. If so, it would be a game of implications, and I'm the guilty one and so the subject. In that case, the worst of the worst possible situations is merely one where I have to avoid giving myself away. Keeping calm is sufficient for that.

"Never talk about what I just said," Shiho said harshly.

"Of course. I'm not that kind of person," I replied distractedly.

"But I know you understand." To my surprise, she was looking directly at me again. "So what are you to her? Really only just a friend? That's strange, after she went so far for you!"

"It's only that," I said steadily. "That's… natural."

"But you're probably still hopeful, aren't you?" Shiho asked, trying to sound defiant. "You're different, because she doesn't have a boyfriend. You probably haven't really given up at all."

"She doesn't have anyone like that. But, so what?" I glanced at her. "Even if she did, would I really have to give up? Couldn't I say that one day they'd break up, and I'd still be there, a friend all along, and then she'd understand? I'm not forced to give up, no matter what the circumstances. That's the nature of hope." I closed my book again, narrowing my eyes. "But that's what we call a vain hope, isn't it? And the thought processes required are disturbing in the extreme."

Shiho winced. "That's not what I asked, is it? Have you really given up on all your hope?"

"Of course," I replied, but there was less conviction in my words than I would have liked. It wasn't easy to say, but surely I wasn't so insincere that she was right? Or would such a thing be all too futile and human?

"I'm sure you haven't. Besides, it's a lame role, isn't it? Just a friend, sacrificing yourself and always smiling like that. You're smart, aren't you? There has to be something better than that!" Shiho's fists clenched. "She treats you better than that!"

"There isn't anything better than that," I replied quietly. "And what it is, is what you make of it. A friend isn't bad, and often more permanent than a partner is. Even if you aren't happy, you should at least be glad to make him glad."

"So why is it I'm still expected to consider his feelings, when things are like this?" Shiho asked.

"There's no clear reason. But perhaps you could talk about regrets. You're guilty, aren't you?" I asked, feeling strangely detached. "If you simply push him away, I'm sure you'd regret it. Especially if your feelings ever changed."

"I won't change," Shiho said. "But, still, I know. Are you really fine with completely giving up, as well?"

I regarded her for a few moments. "It doesn't make me happy, but I try my best. And I think she's this kind to me because I do that. All the same, those feelings are very important to me. I can say clearly they don't matter, but believing that is harder."

Shiho stared at me, then scowled. "You always have a smart answer for everything…"

"Not really. My feelings don't matter, is the only answer I have." I looked away. "I've decided on that. But, still, I don't like it. I hate it so much that I want to scream or cry. But, I really don't want to make Natsuki sad."

"I always end up sounding like the bad one," Shiho said miserably.

"I'm sorry," I replied softly. She just sniffed and returned to her manga, stony-faced.

I wonder how long you've wanted to say these desperate words. And I really am sorry that I can't say anything else. If it wasn't for Mai-chan… no, even as things are, I wish I could lend you all of my power, trying to make you happy. But even making that attempt would be worse for you in the end. More even than me, you're a loose end. Your situation is worse than mine is, though you're a better person. In that respect, I can't help but feel so compassionate and so guilty. But neither of us can do anything. Would it comfort you to know that I'm also so frustrated by that fact? I doubt it. You've always been practical. And you're also an unpleasant reminder of my own situation, and how vulnerable I really am.

I must cling to those words, that I am just her friend, as she wants me to be, without regard for my superfluous feelings, as that is the least that I owe her when I matter not at all. If I allowed myself to think of anything else, I know I would also feel your overwhelming frustration. So it would be better if you followed me, rather than the other way round.

This is the least damaging path to take.

"Where did Natsuki go?" Shiho asked.

I blinked. "Pardon?"

"Where did she go? Kyoto, I know, but that's kinda obvious. Is she actually going to see anything in particular?" Shiho glared defiantly at me.

Are you actually making conversation? "I don't know," I replied, covering my momentary surprise. "Actually, she didn't mention specifically. I forgot to ask."

"Honestly. Did you actually talk to her, or did she run out on you?"

"No, she did," I said. "For a little while, anyway."

"Then you're an idiot," Shiho said shortly. "But it can't be helped. I guess it isn't important anyway."

"Well, there were more relevant things to talk about," I said weakly. "The danger and so on."

"Even so, you should remember to ask in an interested way." Shiho folded her arms, glaring at me. "The problem is that you lack common sense."

"Really?"

"Seriously. It's a problem." Shiho sniffed. "I mean, what are you doing? Do you have a plan?"

"A plan for what?" I asked, now thoroughly lost.

"Tch. You don't even get that? You're hopeless."

"I'm not entirely sure why that's warranted," I protested forcefully.

"You know, it's really annoying," Shiho retorted. "Whatever you say, you don't have to give up on anything yet. So you should be more proactive."

I groaned, rubbing my forehead with my right hand. "Actually, I'm not even sure whether I want to know what you're talking about…"

"Excuse me." Reito looked cautiously through the door on the far side of the room. "Am I interrupting anything?"

"Not really," I replied with strained dignity, while Shiho busied herself with her manga again. "What is it?"

"Your mother sent for you, if that's at all possible," Reito explained. "Of course, if you're busy, she said she would be more than happy to wait."

"Okasama did?" I asked, frowning. Again, the balance of probability is that it has nothing at all to do with that. Calmness is the key. So I nodded. "I understand. I'll come right way."

"Sorry for interrupting, Shiho-chan," Reito said courteously.

"You're not really interrupting anything," Shiho said, without looking up.

I suppressed a quiet sigh, walking towards Reito. "Then I'll see you later, Shiho-chan."

"By the way, we've finished practise for now," Reito said, raising a hand. "Mikoto is in the kitchens, I believe. She'd probably enjoy your company."

"I'll see if I have the time," Shiho said cautiously.

"Thank you for your consideration," Reito replied, with just a hint of irony.

I followed him out into the corridor, taking a moment to collect my thoughts. The ragged honesty I used with Shiho wasn't appropriate for him, after all else.

"She's a very dishonest girl, isn't she?" Reito observed, turning to me and smiling. "It's rather endearing."

"It can't be helped," I returned calmly, remembering her words. "She can be troublingly forthright at other times, as well."

"Really?" Reito asked innocently. "I've only rarely seen that side of her."

"Is that so?" I asked. "And how much did you hear?"

"How much of what?"

"Well, as you please," I said, giving him a brief look. "You should also be careful, though. That girl is more perceptive than one would think."

"Though the conclusions she draws are often less than one would like," Reito returned deftly. "I'm glad you're taking charge of her. If it's you, I can rest far easier about an otherwise awkward situation."

"Under the circumstances, I'm surprised you haven't done something yourself," I pointed out. "Isn't that your self-appointed mission?"

"In fact, I've tried," Reito confessed. "She doesn't have much time for me, though. She considers me a meddlesome person."

"Like I said, she has surprisingly good perception," I said dryly.

"I resent that, especially if it's coming from you," Reito said lightly.

"Well, I feel it's warranted, that's all," I said, glancing at him. "Shiho-chan told me some interesting things."

"Really? That's a little embarrassing." Still with the innocent face, of course.

"Well, putting that aside," I said, giving him a probing look. "Do you know what Okasama wants from me? Quite apart from anything else, this isn't the usual way…"

"Oh, that?" Reito gave me a smile, sounding indecently cheerful. "That was a little lie. I just wanted to talk to you, that's all. Sorry."

"I was suspecting that might be the case," I said cautiously. "Presumably, something you couldn't say in front of Shiho-chan?"

"Well, I feel I can speak more freely when she isn't around," Reito said. "Though in point of fact, I don't have anything in particular in mind. You're always interesting to talk to, though."

"I'm flattered," I said, not believing a word. He really hasn't changed, and I'm glad of that. I can deal with this in simple ways.

"Shall we go for a walk in the garden?" Reito suggested. Of course, we were already halfway to the nearest door.

"If you like," I said, shrugging. I couldn't think of any pretext not to do so.

"I was a little surprised at Natsuki-chan's abrupt disappearance," Reito said. "She really does act freely, doesn't she?"

"Of course." I frowned. "On that note, have you had any luck?"

Reito glanced at me, chuckling slightly. "Worried?"

"Not really," I replied, keeping my tone restrained. "I don't think I have much cause to worry, regardless."

"That's unkind, but not yet inaccurate," Reito said, opening the door and stepping outside. "She hasn't shown any interest in me up until now. But should I expect that of such a cold girl?"

"You aren't suited to her, and she doesn't much like you, either," I said pointedly. "You should give it up, already."

"Persistence is a man's weapon," Reito replied. "I'll see what I can do."

"If you bother her, you'll certainly regret it," I said warningly.

"Don't worry, I'm a gentleman. I'm never vulgar in my methods." Reito smiled. "Well, we shall see what happens. But it's rare for an attractive and intelligent girl like Natsuki-chan to be unattached. Weren't you surprised as well, that she never had a boyfriend even after so long at school?"

"She always said clearly that she didn't have time for such a thing," I replied coolly. "And that was true enough, when she spent so little time at school."

"Hmm," Reito said thoughtfully. "I see. Well, she always kept herself busy. There was a lot of speculation about that."

"You already know the truth, don't you?" I asked. "You're better placed than anyone else to know."

"If you mean that organisation, I was only ever a puppet to the one who controlled them like a puppet," Reito said, looking across the garden. "Even then, knowing that, we only ever dealt with pawns and not the leadership. I wonder how many of those you dealt with yourself…"

"Eight," I replied impassively. "Out of a council of twelve."

"That's a precise figure."

"My research was excellent. I spent weeks agonising over whether to tell Natsuki. I was afraid of the consequences if I did, afraid of becoming complicit in violence, murder and even her death. An ironic concern, under the circumstances." I chuckled sourly. "I don't know why I'm telling you that, though."

"Does she know?" Reito asked, glancing at me.

I shook my head.

"Well, your trust has always operated within careful limits," Reito remarked. "It worries me, from time to time. Doesn't she deserve all those truths?"

"I don't see how that knowledge would change anything," I retorted quietly.

"It would show that you could entrust her with those truths," Reito said. "Even if there's nothing else, isn't that enough?"

"That would be more convincing if you didn't keep your own secrets, even now."

"Well, it's a subject we don't need to discuss," Reito said, looking away. "It's a beautiful day, isn't it?"

"Very much so," I said gracefully. And as always, we were having an unhappy conversation.

Reito stopped suddenly, turning and regarding me. "Natsuki-chan's departure today… do you understand the circumstances?"

I blinked. "She said that she wanted some time alone to think."

"Really?" Reito frowned. "I'm worried."

"Why?" I glanced steadily at him. "I don't know about earlier in the morning, but when she was with me, she was more cheerful than she's been in a long time."

"She's a kind girl, in spite of all her cold pretences," Reito remarked. "But that's also what worries me. However I look at it, it's strange for her to do this all of a sudden, without going with any of us. Don't you think?"

"You're over-thinking things," I said dismissively. "It's only natural for her to have a lot to think about under the circumstances…"

"Perhaps, but that's also worrying me. For her not to talk to me is natural enough, but she hasn't said a word to Mai-chan. I asked earlier. More than that, she hasn't said a word to you about details, has she?" Reito narrowed his eyes. "Didn't you ask, what she meant by that?"

"I'm not as enthusiastic as you about prying in the affairs of others," I said defiantly. "Even so, I don't understand your concern. Natsuki can look after herself, and she can simply think about whatever's worrying her peaceably. Giving her space is the right thing to do under this circumstance."

"That would be so, presuming a normal circumstance," Reito conceded. "But her evasions worry me. Presuming that is an assumption in itself, for someone living in an extraordinary circumstance. Just this week, she was placed in mortal danger by circumstances surrounding you, so you can't call hers an ordinary life."

"That doesn't have anything to do with this," I said forcefully. "If she's attacked, this time, she's prepared. As I said, she can look after herself."

"Perhaps. But aren't you also worried? You should know as well as me, the ruthlessness and power of the First District." Reito shrugged. "Even if I'm being paranoid, I think it's sensible to consider such a scenario."

"It's not like we haven't considered these things, either," I said. "Natsuki said herself that she has absolutely no intention of living in fear of them, and I can't argue with that. It's only sensible."

"So it would be okay to let her die proudly?"

I glared. "Is there any meaning in that question?"

"I'm just stating things clearly. The answer 'yes' is perfectly fine, but once again, I'm simply exploring the worst possible scenario." Reito shrugged. "If I'm going too far, then I apologise."

"You're probably going too far," I said distractedly. "And letting your imagination run away with you. The one they're targeting is me, and that I will bear."

"And she is how they would get to you. Even before, that would likely be true." Reito shrugged again. "But it's an unlikely scenario. Nonetheless, I have no desire to witness another tragedy."

"There's no way that would happen," I replied quietly.

"In any case, I can't do anything," Reito pointed out. "That's why I'm counting on you to protect her, especially from her stubborn self."

"That goes without saying."

"But, more than that," Reito said, before pausing. He glanced at me. "Aren't you worried yourself?"

"There's nothing to be worried about," I retorted.

"Even putting her aside, I meant for your own sake," Reito pointed out. "You must have been a little upset that she left you behind."

"Not really," I lied. "It's only natural of her."

"Really? I admire your maturity. I know I would be upset, myself."

"I don't need to be with her all the time, after all," I said pointedly. "I'm not such a hopeless person."

"I suppose so," Reito admitted. "She would probably appreciate that. But I dislike the unknowns in this situation. Surely you have some idea of what she has to be so concerned about?"

I frowned. "Why would you say that?"

"The two of you are very close. So I'm also worried by anything she can't entrust to you." Reito frowned. "Can I ask you something? What things wouldn't she be comfortable about talking to you about?"

I blinked, somewhat disconcerted. "Well, some of her past, I suppose. She only ever alludes to the situation with her parents… some of the details of her dealings with criminal elements and the First District, too. The Carnival, somewhat, though she's referred quite frankly to even the worst events at times. Similarly, somewhat, my feelings for her, though I've clarified the situation."

"Explicitly, perhaps," Reito said cautiously. "But things can't be easy for her, either."

"That also doesn't relate to this situation," I said firmly.

"Really?" Reito asked doubtfully. "Well, that may be the case…"

"In any case, I find your cynicism rather worrying," I said, turning away. "Whatever Natsuki has to think about is up to her. I trust her that much."

"Is it really alright? Having such a carefree attitude?" Reito said coolly. "For Natsuki-chan's cold past self, I'd believe that, but that girl has already gone quite far for you. I'm sure you don't intend to trouble her in any way."

"It's probably inevitable for me to worry her, but that's fine," I said, folding my hands together and looking back towards the house. I made a point of keeping my voice steady. "She wouldn't forgive me for worrying even more in turn."

"Which troubles me," Reito said. "Before, you took everything upon yourself without regarded, and that ended in disaster. But if she's the one doing the same thing this time around, that's no better after all."

"What do you want?" I demanded. "Just what is it you want me to say?"

"Nothing. I'm just sharing my thoughts with you, that's all."

"It's unnecessary, when she was happy this morning. It's just disconnected paranoia."

"I'm simply cautious of a situation that is more complex than at first glance," Reito said softly. "Especially with your mother, as well."


	49. Chapter 49

**Windows of the Soul: Part Forty-Nine**

For the record, I'm a Reito fan, so it's sad I must abuse him so. But he's dramatically effective precisely because his actions are both abnormal, and always for a reason...

* * *

I sat and stared at my mobile, hoping that somehow a string of numbers would give me courage. Unfortunately, nothing so convenient occurred.

Why did I want to call her? Why was I afraid to call her? It was disconcertingly difficult to answer either of those questions.

What was I afraid of? All I had was a string of suppositions, and they weren't even my own. All the same, they didn't put me at ease at all. If my mother really does know, then that still has nothing to do with Natsuki. And even if she was grappling with some important, unknown thing, I couldn't help and couldn't ask. There's no real reason to call at all, and I can't find a pretext at all. That's typical of me. I always worry about such things, but so does she, and for both of us it's natural to deftly hide our true motives with misleading sentiments. Natsuki, somewhat less, in recent times. She was honest about coming here and she's honest about what she wants. So why did she do this so abruptly? However I see it, perhaps I should have seen this before, but what is it she's so concerned about, as to merit this? As I'm just a friend, I thought I was giving her space by not worrying about. But is that an illusion? It might be right for a friend to worry at this point. If nothing else, it would be very typical of me to disengage myself from such cares by dismissing it as such a thing.

Did a friend need to have a reason to phone someone, just to talk? Is that normal? But what would I say?

The more I think about it, the more I realise I know very little of such things. I don't have any confidence in any of that. And ultimately, I'm fearful for various reasons, so my main desire is for Natsuki to be here, for me rather than for her. I still have such selfish desires.

What I want… I want to be able to phone her right now and tell her all of this, all of my disconnected worries and fears, about Okasama and Reito and myself, her, what I should best do, how I can be what she wants… but that's a desire rather than a sensible course of action. Interrupting her and imposing on her to that degree would surely be wrong. When she has her own troubles, more than any other time, I don't have the right to impose my illogical concerns on her. And this is why it's hard to keep my promise to Mai and Shiho and Reito and to Natsuki herself. Being just a friend sounds easy, but it isn't quite that simple, because it isn't my natural intent. I want to be so much more than a friend, to lay all my troubles onto her and take all of hers onto me, and implicitly understand that I am the most important person to her and her to me. That understanding, love, is what I craved. I crave. Assembling another persona is my gift but it takes effort and a clear mind. At times like this, my uncertainty brings out the sheer artifice of it all and I can see with sickening clarity how little I have actually changed.

I grimaced, putting my phone away. Just staring at it would change nothing, as there's no way I'd be able to use it now. So, calm. Calm down. Take deep breaths, compose oneself, and assess the situation. You have only your own mind, Shizuru, and that is always enough. As he said, and as he would expect of me, I need that kind of self-reliance now.

Reito's concerns about Natsuki are relevant, but not immediately so. It's impossible to account for them right now, or at least, I've decided against the only available method for now. In that case, I can afford to put them aside. The situation with Okasama is different. A turn of phrase is one thing, hypothesising on her habits is another, ambiguous warnings from someone like Shiho is different still, but if it's Reito talking of his suspicions of her suspicions, the way she questions him and questions the answers he gives, that would be strong apart from any other indication. Whatever else I may think of him and his uninhibited habits, he has subtlety and judgement. He can read people. So, that's the situation. If I state it clearly and forcefully to myself, as I must, then there is a high chance that Okasama either knows or at least strongly suspects my feelings for Natsuki exceed platonic friendship.

Or to put it another way, that she knows I'm gay.

That, more than anything else, is bringing me this close to hysteria now. If I step back and forcibly analyse my feelings, at least half of this utter discomfort is the simple fact that I don't have any positive associations with my romantic feelings. They've brought nothing but disaster, pain and a complete breakdown of my own moral values. They're bound tight to the mistakes of my past, and I think I'd rather die than let Okasama and Otousama understand my past. That might be cowardice, but they're also important to me. If they knew they would never forgive me and I'm not sure I have the strength to live without their acceptance. But, at least, it's only a psychological association. There's no way they'd learn about the Carnival or my actions within it just from knowing I love Natsuki. On the other hand, that woman wrote out such a specific accusation, and everyone staying here knows. There's no way any of them would tell, though. Surely. Nor would they be believed. Those of my fears that specifically apply to that time are illogical. It's natural I should feel this way, but also pointless. I should consciously put such things out of my mind.

A bigger problem is the aspects that aren't nominal. I'm not sure of Okasama's feelings, but I'm not enamoured of finding out. Otousama would surely and plainly disapprove, on matters of practicality if not principle, but truthfully I don't know whether he's homophobic or not. I don't spend enough time around my parents to really know them, after all. It feels like Okasama would be more sympathetic, because she's always been more overtly kind to me. But that might just be a child's naivete. There's no reason for her to approve of this. What I do know clearly is what I'm expected to do. As a Fujino, it's natural for me to marry after my parents have carefully selected an appropriate person. It's also natural for me to follow a socially acceptable path and remain a person who is widely respected by the elite I'll be dealing with. If I wanted a lesbian love affair, it should have been when I was a young teen, and such things are excused by society as malformed youthful enthusiasm.

As if that would have been possible for the younger me, or for my feelings now.

And as a Fujino, I understand plainly the world as it is. Homosexuality is deviancy at best. I don't question my own feelings any longer, they've been too sure and too certain for too long for me to have any more doubts. I am what I am. And I thought I'd accepted what I had to do, as well. To Natsuki, I am a friend, to my parents, an ordinary girl. In the future I will be an ordinary wife, even if I have to force myself. I don't know how I will feel, and how my husband will feel, but I'm obliged to try. If nothing else, I have my parents and my work, both of which I love.

Why does this sound like such a disgustingly fake and hollow existence when I actually articulate it to myself?

For everyone, though, especially Natsuki, things would be better if I was conventional in fact as well as intent. I recognise that reality without sentiment.

And if Okasama knows, then what? Would she tell Otousama? I'm not sure. She's loyal but independent, loyal to me as well. She'd follow whatever her better judgement was, and I can't call that. Has she mentioned it already? Or does Otousama already suspect? He's around less, sees less, and regards less my specific circumstances, expecting as he does that I take care of everything myself. I should probably put him out of the equation for now. Okasama, though, is fine with taking action by herself. What would she do? Approach me directly? Or even Natsuki? Surely the latter is not her style… or rather, she would circumvent the most directly affected person. That might be me, or Natsuki. My feelings, but I am a Fujino. Otherwise she'd take some more covert action, spending more time with us or with me, watching and so on. I don't really want to conceive it, but I can imagine the options I myself would use. If she's concerned with the practise and not the principle of the thing, my reassurances may be enough. With that understood, should I confess now and state that clearly, regardless? It would probably make me feel better, to take this off my mind. But what if she regards me as a deviant herself? That would be hard to bear, and I don't know how I'd react. In that situation, preserving the status quo is far better. If she's even a little uncertain, it would comfort both of us. And if she doesn't know after all and this is all paranoia…

What am I supposed to do?

No, I still need to think clearly. I can't shy away from these assessments or spend my time in paralysed uncertainty. I need to find and hold onto a firm conclusion, understanding it might change as circumstances change. It's at this point that I can't eliminate Otousama as a factor. If I do confess, I could earnestly ask Okasama to keep this a secret from him. She might not comply, but it could be better than relying on my assumptions of her own thoughts. On the other hand, I still feel, somehow, that he would take it worse, so he aggravates any worst-case scenario of such an explicit method. Further, he'd take direct and decisive action, if he felt it was necessary to do so. That could trouble Natsuki as well.

"Ojou-sama?" Hideko frowned, looking down at me. She was carrying new clothes, of course.

I blinked, escaping from my trance. "I'm fine," I replied, smiling weakly.

"It's five minutes to lunch, you know." She walked past me, opening the wardrobe. "Forgive me for intruding, I thought you would already have gone."

"Sorry," I replied. "I'm cutting it a little fine…"

"More importantly, are you feeling ill again?" Hideko asked, glancing worriedly at me. "You look a little pale."

"I do?" I asked worriedly, touching my cheeks with both hands. "No, no. I'm fine. Just a little tired, again."

"I see," Hideko replied, not sounding very reassured. But I suppose I've rather over-used that particular excuse.

"In any case, I'll go to lunch," I declared, standing and forcing a smile. "Please carry on."

Hideko nodded. "Of course."

I headed for the door, then stopped briefly. "By the way, did Natsuki… say anything to you this morning?"

Hideko shook her head. "I only saw her briefly, and heard less than you. Is something worrying you?"

"No," I replied. "No, nothing."

I headed for the dining room, biting my lip. I stopped at the first bathroom and checked my reflection in the mirror. I've looked worse, but if Hideko noticed, Okasama would. So I splashed water on my cheeks, hoping that would bring some colour back. After that, I dried my hands and carried on walking. Calmly. This is a meal, there's no need to grow worried about that. But I was also acutely aware that since Reito's warning, this would be the first time seeing Okasama face to face.

"Good afternoon, Shizuru."

"Good afternoon," I returned, forcing another smile. My gaze swept the table. "I apologise for my lateness. I lost track of time."

"There's no need to apologise, you're well in time."

I sat in my place, ignoring the empty chair besides me. "Mai-chan and Yuichi-kun aren't here yet? That's also a little rare."

"They also went out," Reito explained, glancing at me.

"Is that so?" I asked, smiling awkwardly. "That's fair enough. I suppose it must have been a little hard on them, to be always stuck here."

"Quite," Okasama agreed. "As a result, though, I'm a little lonely today. It's astounding how fast one gets used to having so many people around. Things are comparatively quiet now."

"Don't worry!" Mikoto said enthusiastically. "I'll be lively enough to make up for Mai and Tate and Natsuki!"

"I'm relieved," Okasama said, smiling. "In any case, there's no point in waiting any longer than necessary. Shall we begin?"

"Itadakimasu." I picked up the chopsticks with the rest, picking up and eating a mouthful of rice. I wasn't particularly hungry, but I followed that with another mouthful anyway. Perhaps if I ate fast…

"I was surprised that Natsuki-chan took off so suddenly as well," Okasama said conversationally. "It's rare, isn't it, Shizuru?"

"I suppose so," I admitted cautiously. "Not so much when we were at Fuka, though… it's probably natural enough for her."

"I feel cheated, now my favourite daughter is around," Saaya said, sounding amused. "So goes her thoughts."

"I wouldn't go that far," Viola protested.

"I've been a little worried about that, actually," Reito remarked. "It's very uncharacteristic of her new self… and if it's a throwback to her past, that's not a good sign in itself."

"I've said this before to you, but she was bright this morning," I said uneasily. "I can't imagine that there's any problem."

"Well, you do know her far better than I," Reito admitted, sounding like he still had doubts. "And of course, there's the security issue as well."

"No problem, Ani! Natsuki is strong!" Mikoto declared, speaking through a mouthful of food. She swallowed. "If there are bad people, she'll just kill them."

"That's a very useful talent," Saaya remarked lightly.

"Well, my paranoia doesn't befit the dinner table, regardless," Reito said, shrugging slightly. "If it is Kuga-san, I'm forced to concede that things would turn out fine regardless."

"Don't sound like you're angry about that or something," Shiho said sarcastically, ostensibly focusing on her own food.

"It's a horrible world, where teenage girls are targeted," Okasama remarked sadly. "I'm only glad that you're all so unmoved by it. The whole thing terrifies me."

"Don't worry! Me and Ani will protect you, too!" Mikoto declared, reaching for more rice.

"I'm very grateful," Okasama noted, smiling. "I'll be counting on you, then."

"Yes!"

"You shouldn't humour her so much, you know," Reito said, looking amused nonetheless. "She takes these things very seriously."

I smiled slightly, allowing myself to relax. I suppose what he calls paranoia is exactly that, on many topics. I should calm down a little. It's not like me to overreact.

"How about you, Shizuru?" Okasama asked, glancing at me. "Have you been keeping busy?"

"I've been looking at some revision material in my room," I said, thinking through the excuse. "For Natsuki, again. Even if she's hiding today, she still needs to work hard to progress."

"I see. I'm glad you're working hard for her." Okasama shifted her hand subtly sideways, steadying her own rice. "You should come out after lunch, though. I'm sure it would be fun to spend time doing other things, as well."

"She's selling herself short again, though," Reito remarked. "She was talking to Shiho-chan and then me after that, before she went in again."

"Since when have I been Shiho-chan?" Shiho grumbled. "I did not give you permission to say that!"

"Sorry. Can I call you Shiho-chan?" Reito asked politely.

Shiho blinked. "Well, it's not like I care or anything…"

"Eternally a carefree group," Saaya noted wryly.

"In any case, does anyone know when the others will be back?" Okasama said.

"Mai and Tate said they would be back before dinner," Reito said. "I don't know about Natsuki-chan, however. Do you know, Shizuru-san?"

I shook my head. "Not specifically. I imagine so."

"Hmm." Saaya looked between the two of us thoughtfully.

"Well, it's only a point of curiosity," Okasama clarified.

"How has your work been, Ka-sama?"

"No better nor worse than usual. Nothing in particular of note, I'm afraid. I've been having a tedious day." Okasama frowned. "It's too bad Shinri can't take more time off. This is a rare chance for all of us."

"It can't be helped, when he works so hard," I said tactfully.

"Of course. But it is a shame," Okasama said mournfully. "In any case, Shizuru, what do you intend to do later?"

I blinked. "I don't have anything in particular planned…"

"Then I'll contradict my own advice. Perhaps I could trouble for a few minutes at some point later? We haven't had a talk in a while."

I winced, trying to think of an excuse, and coming up with nothing. Are you paranoid if you're right? "I don't have anything planned, like I said, so I suppose that would be fine."

"Of course, if you want to do something else, I'm more than fine with that," Okasama said easily. "This is a rare chance for all of you, as well."

"You should join us at some point," Reito suggested. "It's always interesting to practise with more people."

"I'm not so confident in my health than I'm certain of that, save to flatter Tou-sama," I said evasively. "I'll see what I can do."

"It's a good idea, whether or not you actually take part. Isn't being present enough?" Okasama smiled. "I envy you all a little. Kenjutsu is certainly something I could never do, in spite of Shinri's great passion for it."

And so on. It's natural for Okasama to work like this, after all. She wouldn't discuss anything so inelegant at the dinner table.

I left as soon as was decent, and headed for the garden. It hadn't changed much, and at the very least I knew its further, deeper parts where you could go for quite some time without being disturbed, even if someone else was there. I was glad of that fact.

It was too early. I wasn't decided, not yet.

I walk, and there's greenery all around me, trees and running water, banks and troughs, so much detail that broadly eluded me as I fled elegantly from myself. Frankly, I'm sick with worry. I hadn't thought about it much before now, but it's become inescapable and the guilt of it is consuming me. The more I dwell on it, too, the more it feels like hiding it is both necessary and impossible, that my careless ardour surrounds me with consequences and everyone already understands. How can I hide what my friends know, my servants guess, my words and actions betray? How can I hide this disturbing thing, this dizzying thing, this twisted, fundamental thing that informs so much of my actions? Even for me, isn't that impossible? And knowing all of that, my regrets aren't just for the here and now but for my nature, something that won't go away, something that will always follow me. My past, too, is intertwined. What Okasama may or may not know now might be kept or betrayed tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after that. Something I felt, insofar as I thought at all, could be kept inside now feels acutely vulnerable. And abruptly it's eating me from the inside out.

This is- I am- so miserable.

"_I'm now almost certain that she suspects your relationship with Natsuki-chan. She's hit on me as a person to use for her inquiries. I've been doing my best, but your mother is a formidable person."_

"_Is that okay?"_

"_Well… we should both be careful, at least. I don't know her well enough to advise on what she knows exactly, what she'd do, or anything else. But if this was raised with Natsuki-chan, I'm sure it would be painful and difficult for her. I'm sure that would be the worst possible outcome."_

"_I don't know. Obviously there are a few things you can do in this situation. But it isn't anything to do with me."_

"_Not really. I'm just a spectator, albeit a worried one. All I know are a few simpler things. In this instance, without a doubt, this is something you have to determine for yourself. That is for Natsuki-chan's sake, as well."_

I know. I get it, already. This is mine to bear, my family, my feelings, my sin, my everything. So what does it have to be your voice that echoes in my head so much? Do you enjoy it, saying things like that and watching me squirm? You could have put it more pleasantly. But if it's him, he always states things clearly in the rare case where he intends for there to be no misunderstanding. That doesn't really comfort me, though.

I'm not strong, though. I need someone, anyone, to listen. As I am right now… it's no good. I can't do anything like this.

And so I have to go somewhere else again. I suspect these constant changes in direction are all-too symptomatic of my state.

Natsuki is gone and I shouldn't trouble her with this. I barely know Mai-chan, and she's also gone. Shiho is Shiho, Mikoto is Mikoto, and so, finally I come to him again. I'm also sick of him. It's unfair, but everything that's plaguing me right now is connected to him, even if it's indirectly so.

He might be in the dojo, again. So I head that way.

Just what do I intend to confess or say? I don't know. And regardless, what can he actually say? Isn't this completely hopeless to begin with? These are the kind of doubts that assail me, and their very existence terrifies me. I'm not supposed to be like that. If nothing else, I'm only a weak person insofar as I go too far. But, that's not really true, is it? Before, I didn't say anything to Natsuki even as I came to realise my true nature. Prayer and forlorn hope was all I entrusted with my feelings, a ribbon on a special night and no more. And now, I'm doing the same thing, aren't I? I don't plan to do anything, though I make a game of thinking about it. I'm not confronting Okasama or doing anything else. I'm just letting my neuroses boil up inside me again, agitating me aside. Even knowing that, though, I can't do anything at all.

Yes, you would probably call such a personality weak, after all.

All I have left are these wretched, unchanging feelings. It's unfair, isn't it? I said it earlier today, I understand the situation. My sincerity must be hidden by my parents, excused to Natsuki's friends and restrained with chains and apology to Natsuki herself. That's only natural, but it still hurts. Why is it, that I can't shed that unnecessary love? Is this just an inviolate part of me that I can't help, or am I indulgently clinging to this one thing because I lack the strength to truly destroy it? I don't understand at all. Even so, somehow, the way I feel is… important. That's why it makes me so sick, having to hide this and worry about these and pretend about this, but there's no helping it. They're part of me, an unwelcome part of me, close to my heart and integral to me. If that's so, then this is more than one rejection. The fact that my love isn't welcomed by anyone feels like I'm simply being pushed away by everyone I know.

I'm being childish, aren't I? All the same, it feels that way now.

Would be too much to ask that someone flatters me for once? I can't always be treated as an adult.

Stupid thoughts.

Reliably enough, they were in the dojo. Reliably enough, Mikoto was enthusiastically practising strokes with more passion than finesse, while Reito simply sat and watched her, resting a bokken across his knees. Reliably enough, I still had no idea of my own intentions. "Good afternoon again."

"Good afternoon," Reito returned, glancing at me. "Have you finished with your work?"

"Yes," I replied, wondering whether he was serious or not. I sat down next to him. "I thought I would watch, at least."

"Heya, Kaichou!" Mikoto said brightly, grinning at me. "Can we fight?"

I shook my head, trying to smile. "Not today. I'm afraid I'm not on form, so I'd only insult you if I tried."

"Some other time, then?" Mikoto asked.

"Sure, if you like," I said recklessly. It occurred that I still owed Otousama a fight. It was uncertain how much longer I could put it off, but I wasn't looking forwards to it.

"You should be flattered," Reito said, smiling at me. "Mikoto is only interested in people she considers to be strong."

"You, I suppose, and perhaps I," I remarked casually. "Mai-chan?"

"Before, that was true. Now, perhaps, Mai has a different kind of power." Reito shrugged easily. "It's just an expression, though. It's best not to take it too far."

"Then will you come and spar with me, Ani?" Mikoto inquired innocently. Well, as innocently as a girl with an adult male's bokken could ever be.

"In a minute, I will," Reito assured her. He glanced at me again, frowning slightly. "Putting that aside, are you alright? Your actions are somewhat erratic…"

"I'm fine," I lied. "I just have a few things to think about."

"If it's what I mentioned earlier, I'm sorry to trouble you. But, reality is exactly that." Reito turned away again, looking at his sister. That shouldn't be confused with focus, which was on me alone. "Have you decided what to do?"

"Not yet," I admitted. "There are too many uncertainties involved…"

"That shouldn't preclude firm and decisive action," Reito retorted. "If, of course, that is what is appropriate."

"Well, what do you think is appropriate?" I demanded, trying to make it sound like a challenge, not a question.

"If it were me, I'd lie to my parents face, after arranging a circumstance for confrontation. But, they're dead and I'm an unlucky person." Reito shrugged. "That's why I told you before, I can't answer this question for you."

"Even if you say that, you have an opinion, don't you?" I said. "You already sound like you think I should so something."

"Really?" Reito asked idly.

"Definitely," I said forcefully. "You're using your insufferably smug air, again. I won't be patronised by you."

"You're missing what I said, though," Reito said simply. "This is a complex circumstance with many possible outcomes. Frankly, I won't become a scapegoat for any unfortunate outcome. What I can tell you clearly is that your decision is between two people, and the second isn't me. You should already know that."

"You sound like you've hit upon a remarkable certainty amidst a complex circumstance with many possible outcomes," I remarked sarcastically.

Mikoto broke from a steady stream of strikes and performed a backflip, bouncing back to her feet off one hand and holding her sword in the other. Presumably, she was bored. I don't recognise that from any kata I know, at least.

"This, at least, I'm certain of. So, if you insist on my advice, you should be patient." Reito glanced at me, smiling. "Wait until Natsuki-chan returns. You know you want to talk to her about this, don't you?"

"There's no way I can trouble her for something like this," I said dismissively.

"And how many times have you said that? How many times has she told you to trouble her, come to that?" Reito inquired. He smiled slightly. "It's a very typical reply, coming from you."

"You haven't changed either," I protested quietly. As I thought, he was no use at all. So much for his claims to repentance through works.

"Hmm. You're right, of course," Reito admitted, smiling innocently. "But, I think it's a bigger problem for you. Speaking plainly, have you even changed since the Carnival?"

I gritted my teeth. "You go out of your way to offend my sensibilities."

"I'm just honest. I'm sorry, as ever, if that offends you. But frankly your habit of loving through self-sacrifice hasn't changed at all. Those words are the same in nature if not degree to those of a person who does not trouble her loved one with guilt or pain, and so takes sin unto themselves." Reito made eye contact, frowning slightly. "Or so it seems to me. I'll concede I don't know you as well as Natsuki, of course, so she might disagree."

"This and that are completely different," I replied, trying to ignore my hot cheeks. This was something like shame, perhaps, at the words or at the memories they brought with them.

"Perhaps," Reito said, meaning 'no'. He went back to watching Mikoto, apparently disinterested in me.

"Frankly, I don't have time to your banal speculation," I said, regaining a trace of my frustration and anger at that reply.

"What do you want, Shizuru?" Reito asked. "My advice or my comfort?"

"I don't think either would mean anything, coming from you," I retorted.

He nodded. "Very well. Then I'll remain silent." He stood. "Are you ready for some more sparring, Mikoto?"

"Yes, Ani!"

"Bastard," I said, quietly but with feeling.

I think I probably hated him in that moment, even though we have much in common, including our past, and our own dubious friendship. I hated his air of superiority and his detachment, the irrelevance he made me feel and the unapologetic rudeness with which he addressed me. I also hated his selfishness, and his detached prudence. But, most of all, I hated his words, and how close they came to the heart. I certainly didn't want him to be telling the truth.

I don't want to be a burden, that's all, it's an innocent intention and the meaning of those words. So if they're vain hypocrisy, too, is there anything I can do in life or in death without troubling the people I love? And at that time, too, I had the same feeling in mind. Pushing past the rippling hypocrisy of my ever day, the insincerity of my smiles and the selfishness of my actions, to do one bold thing for another. To affirm myself. And that too was a lie.

I don't want to be just a parasite. But maybe I can't do anything else.


	50. Chapter 50

**Windows of the Soul: Part Fifty**

I came back myself, to prove I could. And of course that took more money than I would have liked, to say nothing of time, but it's not a bad idea, all the same. I need to keep my feet on the ground, while Shizuru can fly off if she likes. Nonetheless, as I walk through those gates, it is familiar, and the large house with a large garden is known to me, and I'm even moderately surprised that there was no one there to open the door for me. I hadn't announced my return, of course, so it's natural. But it feels like I'm getting used to this life, all the same. There are worse places to call home.

Has it really only been a week? It feels like a far longer time.

I've missed dinner, of course. But it can't be helped. Far be it from me to avoid indulging my pride, right? Let's see… she's probably in the dojo by now, practising the sacred art of prodding people with a long stick. Which reminds me, that bastard has been slacking off. Reito this, Reito that. I asked first, damnit.

Well, it'll keep one more day.

I rang the doorbell, the first time I'd been forced to do that, and stood waiting. That butler guy opened the door after about thirty seconds. "Ah. Welcome back, Ojou-sama."

I grimaced, deciding against correcting him. "I'm back. Where's Shizuru?"

"I believe she is with the master in his study, though I am not certain. Shall I check?"

"It's fine. I'll go myself." I stepped inside, frowning in disappointment. I don't really get it, but it feels like Shizuru's time with the old bastard is the one thing I can't interrupt. So maybe I'll have to wait around for a while.

Well, it'll keep one more hour.

I headed for the lounge, instead, hoping to find Mai there. Maybe I should tell her first. I've probably been worrying her, after all, and it's always her way to take these things too seriously. I don't know, though. It feels like it would be more right to tell Shizuru first, even if I have to wait. But I can at least say I've made a decision, right? I'm sure she'd be glad to hear that.

When I got there, though, there were plenty of other people. "Yo." I was met by a chorus of greetings, in which Shiho was most noticeable for her silence. You know, I shouldn't be the one to say this, but that kinda pisses me off.

"Welcome back, Natsuki-chan," Viola said, looking up and smiling. "Did you have a good time?"

"Yeah, I guess. It wasn't bad." I looked around. I guess Reito and Mikoto are doing whatever it is they do together. Or else he's chasing her down after she's done something.

"Shizuru is with Shinri in the study," she remarked.

"I heard. It's fine." I sat next to Mai. "I'll let them talk about embezzlement or whatever for a bit."

"Natsuki, that's rude," Mai said reproachfully.

"It's fine," Saaya replied, looking amused. "I say worse things every day."

"In any case, just where have you been this late?" Tate asked casually. "You'd better not have been doing dubious things again."

Mai elbowed him, while I just snorted. "Dubious, me? I was visiting ancient shrines like a good girl."

Tate sighed. "Right, right…"

"No, seriously. I was. Not really my thing, but the decorations were nice."

"It's too bad you didn't go with Shizuru," Viola said. "I'm afraid we've rather forced her to be quite knowledgeable about such things."

"Well, I guess so," I agreed, trying to think of an excuse on short notice. "But it's better alone, right? I mean, it's a more religious experience."

Yeah, that's probably not a great excuse. But whatever.

"I went the shops with Tate," Mai said. "You know, Kyoto is great. There's so much more in a big city than in Fuka. Too bad we couldn't buy much, though, but I got some souvenirs, at least."

"Hmm. It's been a while since I went there, myself. Perhaps we should go on a trip at some point." Viola frowned. "But I suppose I'd be imposing on you."

"More than that, do you remember the last time we went to a city?" Saaya said playfully. "You said you'd rather die than go again. Try and consider the lengths it forces me to go, as well."

"You're right, of course," Viola admitted sadly.

"I think it's a good idea. Or if not the city, at least to a park somewhere, right? We can't spend all our time inside, after all." Mai turned to me. "What do you think, Natsuki?"

"I'm good with anything," I replied distractedly. "Uh, except the beach."

"Sensible girl," Saaya said, looking relieved.

"You know, there's a funny story about that," Tate began, before I shot him a death glare and Mai trod on his foot. Luckily, he was largely ignored.

In any case, this is kinda irritating. Did he have to choose tonight, of all nights, to talk to her about whatever?

"A park would be good, though," Mai said. "We could have a picnic."

"Picnic, I can handle," Saaya said. "Unless you're cutting us old women out of it, of course."

"Of course not," Mai said hurriedly. "It should be a family type thing, as well. Let's see… are you doing anything tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow's fine, as far as I know," Viola said. "More importantly, there's a chance I might be able to drag Shinri back for this. I'll see what I can do, though it's far more for me than for any of you…"

"And I can help with the food. It makes me guilty, being served so well all the time."

"There's no need to feel that, we're more than happy to do so," Viola replied politely.

"Don't worry, she's a great cook," I said, folding my arms. Tch. Can't Reito or someone talk to the old man instead of Shizuru?

"It'd be my pleasure, as well," Mai said, smiling. "I enjoy these things."

"She's stubborn, too," I warned.

"And you make sure you go to bed at a decent time, Natsuki, we'll be up early to prepare," Mai said warningly.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm not up that late," I protested. "Mostly."

"Hm. She's also stubborn," Tate said in amusement.

"And it goes without saying, but boys will have to carry everything," Mai said firmly.

"Unfair. That's sexism!" Tate complained loudly.

"Just accept your punishment quietly," Mai said.

"Damn, she's strict," I said quietly.

"You, too, Natsuki! You're going to be helping me with the food!" Mai frowned. "I know how these things go, so I'm not going to be the only one doing any work."

"What? So girls have to do food? That is sexist." I folded my arms. "I'll carry stuff, damnit!"

"Well, are there any other volunteers?" Mai asked dangerously. "I have a lot of sandwiches to make, you know."

"I can help," Shiho said quietly. There was a moment's pause as everyone glanced at her. "What? It's just sandwiches, right? It's not like it's going to be that difficult…"

"Well, when I say just sandwiches that was a simplification," Mai admitted quietly. "But, you know, I can take care of most of the rest."

"Just don't involve me," I said, closing my eyes. "None of you like my cooking anyway."

"Hmm. Can Shizuru-san cook?" Mai asked thoughtfully.

"No," I said.

"Not really," Saaya said at the same time.

"Oh." Mai looked between us. "Never mind, then."

"What she can do is be added to team persuade Shinri." I shrugged. "I'll go and tell those two, okay? Then at least they can think about it as well."

Viola nodded. "That's a good idea. Tell him it's my request, as well."

"Sure. Don't worry about it." I stood, glad of the chance. "Tomorrow, right?"

"Tomorrow," Mai said. "Rising at seven, too."

"What? This is a holiday, you know." I grimaced. "Why does everyone I know hate sleeping?"

"You're just lazy," Mai said crisply. "Now run along and warn her, as well."

"Yes, yes. I'll be back when I'm back." I waved idly over my shoulder, then walked away, trying to remember where the old bastard's study was.

"Good luck," Saaya said encouragingly.

Tch. It's not like he can actually kill me or anything. The only problem is, where does he hide? I can't remember offhand. Normally, Shizuru shows me all this stuff without me asking. Well, I guess I could go back and ask, or else find a servant, but that's just shameless. So I set off down the corridor I thought it was, and hoped for the best.

As it was, though, I needn't have worried. Someone was playing the piano pretty loudly, so I just headed in that direction, considered knocking, decided against it, and opened the door.

Shinri glanced back over his shoulder at me. "Kuga, is it? You're late."

"Late for what?" I asked. "Is this a super-villain impression?"

Shinri made a sound somewhere between a chuckle and a snort, turning away again.

And Shizuru stopped playing, turning to face me with worried eyes. Actually, she looked kinda pale. And she didn't say anything, either.

I blinked, remembering myself. "Uhm, yeah. Mai was talking about how she wanted to organise a picnic for tomorrow, and obviously Shizuru's coming, but Viola… Fujino-san wants to come, and she wanted me to ask you if you could also come."

"A picnic?" Shinri asked, sounding a little bemused. "Well… I'll talk to her about it. I'm finished here, in any case." He stood, stepping out from behind his chair and pushing it beneath his desk. "Thank you for telling me."

"No problem," I mumbled, feeling a little bemused.

Shinri made eye contact with me as he walked forwards, frowning. "I'll leave everything to you, Kuga."

"Okay," I replied. This time, I won't say anything dumb. I'm not someone who has to defer to him or misunderstand.

He passed me while I was looking straight ahead and then left, closing the door behind him. Once he was gone, my I found the nearest chair and sat, turning to face Shizuru. "I didn't know you played piano," I said irrelevantly.

Shizuru sat awkwardly side-on, as if she wasn't sure whether she should be facing me or the piano. Or perhaps she was still facing the door, where I'd been standing until a moment ago. Somehow those details leapt at me, the minutiae of her posture and face. She was strained now, and that was reflected in her voice. "I don't really play, as such. I know a dozen songs by heart, Otou-sama's favourites, but I have no skill or interest beyond that."

"It sounded good, though," I said calmly. "I was listening, in the corridor."

"Do you think? I'm not convinced, myself." Shizuru shrugged. "I don't suppose it matters much, though."

"It's not like you have no talent for it, at least," I said reproachfully. "Do you only play for him? I'm missing out, you know."

"Because of him, for me, playing has a significance other than the obvious." Shizuru frowned. "Though it's difficult to explain."

"Okay. But if you ever feel like it, I'd love to listen." I smiled, making my voice more cheerful. "It's rare for you actually have a hobby I can understand, you know? Tea ceremony is fine, but it isn't exactly a spectator sport, and I can't make much of kenjutsu either. But when your playing is beautiful, even I can appreciate that."

"You're making too much of this," Shizuru said quietly. She blinked. "But, a picnic?"

I nodded. "It was Mai's idea, of course. Well, actually, that's only half-true. Your mother said she wanted to go somewhere, so that was Mai's suggestion. She wanted to know whether you could help her prepare food."

Shizuru smiled weakly. "Hmm. That's probably impossible for me, you know."

"Right. I told you that, as well." I frowned, focusing on her eyes. They're very clear and beautiful. I'm not sure how I missed that before now.

Shizuru gave me an uncomfortable smile. "But you surprised me… how long have you been back?"

"Shizuru." There's something heartbreaking about her right now. She has an aura of indescribable fragility, like a china doll. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Shizuru replied, almost reflexively. She smiled without smiling again. "I'm just-" She stopped abruptly, her expression twisting.

"Tired?" I suggested, unable to resist the temptation.

"I was going to say that," Shizuru admitted. Her hands tightened on her knees.

"You're always tired!" I said, smiling uneasily. "And I was sure you were sleeping soundly last night, as well."

"Have I changed?" Shizuru asked suddenly.

I blinked. "Changed? In what way?"

Shizuru looked down and away. "After talking about various things, Reito said I hadn't changed, because of how I act, it's the same as how I was in the Carnival. And I've been thinking about it, and it's true. I'm always trying not to trouble anyone, especially you, but the more I do that the more I trouble you and in any case I'm just sacrificing myself selfishly, so-" She stopped abruptly, forcing another smile. "I'm sorry. I'm being strange, aren't I?"

"So something has happened." I leaned forwards, frustrated by the distance between us. "It's fine. But you've changed. There isn't any need to doubt that."

"But-"

"If I'm saying that, it's not wrong," I said, grinning. "I know you best, don't I? Far better than Reito. No one asked you to listen to that slimy bastard."

"Even so, he's not wrong," Shizuru said quietly. "It feels like all I do is upset you. And, I don't even want to tell you that, but even if I don't, I'm just going to trouble you… and I'm upsetting you now, as well. So, as a friend, I don't know what to do."

I sighed, closing my eyes briefly and smiling. "Okay. I get it."

Take care of everything, indeed. I can add laziness to Shinri's list of faults.

I stood, giving up on trying to use the chair. Shizuru followed me with her eyes, looking uncertain. "Can you move up a little?" I asked, smiling at her. "There should be enough room for two of us, right?"

Shizuru blinked, then nodded, shifting sideways. "I'm sorry…"

"You don't need to apologise. But I'm fine even if you do, all the same." I sat on the stool myself, our shoulders rubbing together. Honestly, I'd planned for this and that conversation, but not this. I guess I'll work it out on the fly again. "All of that's the same, you know? Don't take me too seriously when I complain. Whether you tell me or not, I'm not hurt by what you do. That's not the same as not caring, though."

Shizuru turned her body to face the door. "I suppose so…"

Was this too much? I imitated her, putting my back to hers and looking up at the ceiling. Confessional, huh? It'll do as a metaphor, but I'm no priest. And I have my own things to say, as well.

Well, then. How should I begin?

"It's not like I mind. To be honest, I kinda like it when you rely on me." I smiled to myself. "I've been thinking about that, actually. And I realised that before, no one was really counting on me. I looked after myself, no more and nothing less. So I always found your kindness strange, and Mai as well. But I get it a bit more now. If you want to lean on me, that's fine. It makes me feel important, you know?"

"Is it really okay, though?" Shizuru asked. "I've already troubled Natsuki so much, so even if that's so I still feel guilty about complaining to you like this."

"You're too considerate," I said dryly. "Not even your father would blame you for that."

"I'm not an ordinary person, though, and it's because of that circumstance…"

"It's fine," I assured her. "And before you say anything, I'm not the kind of person who lies to comfort someone. If I say it's fine, it's fine. If I say you've changed, you've changed. I'm a reliable person."

"Is that so?" Shizuru asked, with just a hint of amusement.

"Of course! You shouldn't laugh!" I relaxed slightly. "Though I'm not always smart, and I don't like thinking things through, so it often takes me a lot of time to work out difficult things…"

"I think I'm worse. I feel completely cornered right now." Shizuru sighed. "I'm not an unthinking or deluded person, I think, but all the same, I really don't know what to do right now."

"Isn't it fine to do what feels natural?" I asked.

"Sadly that's difficult for me, because of- various things."

Her back was warm.

"I'm very worried," Shizuru said eventually. "It seems like, for whatever reason, Okasama's beginning to suspect things. That my feelings for you aren't entirely within the bounds of platonic friendship."

That's an amazing euphemism. Should I use that one myself? I tried not to smile. "Really? Who would have guessed?"

"It's a big problem," Shizuru protested. "Okasama's very observant, and I don't know what she'd do if she learned the truth for sure. It's difficult to conceive that she'd approve of that side of me, and she'd tell Otousama as well. I've no idea what would happen, and it's been making me sick just to think about it…"

"It's not so bad, is it?" I asked quietly. "You are who you are. They should be fine with that, right?"

"It might be naïve to assume that," Shizuru said miserably. "Even then, there's also practical considerations, something inevitably close to them. And as for my past, it's shameful to admit it and I deserve everything I get, but if they learned anything of that they'd undoubtedly hate me." She leaned forwards slightly. "It's wrong for me to say that. I probably deserve it. But, I don't want that."

"It's fine," I said tightly. "They won't ever find out, but even if they did, the only who's allowed to hate you is me. Don't forget that, okay?"

"I'm sorry."

"And I don't hate you, so if they ever thought that I'd just shout at them until they understood." I frowned. "I was thinking a lot about that, as well, and it's also something I decided. The past is important, but still, I won't let anyone mistake our pasts for who we are. You're not who you were then, the good parts and the bad."

"I'll try to think that way," Shizuru said quietly. "That's what Natsuki wants, isn't it?"

I nodded. "Exactly."

"But I'm still worried. I need your help for things like that, because I'm not a good friend to you. Really, I've never had a real friend except you, and that's confused by my romantic feelings, so I can't tell the two apart. That's why… please tell me clearly." Shizuru's determined voice. "What you want me to do. I'll try, at least."

"I'll do that. But bear in mind that I'm almost exactly the same as you. You might not be the best friend to me, but I'm not going to be the best friend to you, either. Rather, we're not ordinary people, and so we shouldn't force ourselves into using such a typical, awkward word."

This was nerve-wracking, actually. It should be easy, shouldn't it? But even saying that much was a strain.

"Is that really okay?" Shizuru asked worriedly.

"I died for you. You died for me. So, it's not like we're just friends…" This would be a good time, but.

"Okay." Shizuru nodded to herself. "But, please tell me, all the same. I don't want to go too far, or rely on you too much."

Shit. I'm blushing, aren't I?

"I'm always honest, aren't I?" I said awkwardly. "I'll always tell you that kind of thing."

Shizuru laughed. "You're right, of course. You're a reliable person."

Now. Come on, now, damnit. "Hey, you know-" I stopped abruptly.

"Yes?" Shizuru asked curiously.

"I haven't told you about my day yet, have I?" I said weakly.

What the fuck? Or is this a matter of timing, or something? Shit, but fighting Orphans was a lot easier than this.

"No, you haven't. I've been wondering all day. I started over-thinking things and Reito did the same thing, and I thought you were in trouble or danger, or annoyed with me, or tired of me… on top of everything else, I've been feeling really badly about it. I wanted to call you, but I couldn't. Not at all." Shizuru laughed uneasily. "On the whole, I've been thinking about horribly depressing things, my parents too. I don't even know why I'm telling you, but I feel like it. I've been stupid."

"Well, you wouldn't be wrong to say I was thinking about you, I guess," I said quietly. I looked down. "Is it alright if I tell you about it?"

"Please."

I frowned, trying to work out what to say. This had better not be just some lame delaying tactic. But it was all about creating a mood, right? I'm sure Mai said something to that effect once. "Well, from the beginning, then, right?"

"Okay."

And what do I want her to feel? She's sad, so I should be happy, and she's scared, so I should be reassuring. I should be myself, because she knows me and she knows she can trust me. That's probably the most important thing, so I shouldn't be artificial. I'm not that kind of person, so just go with my sincerity, right? And say what I want to say.

"But, you know," I began. "I've been pretty spoiled, haven't I, living with you guys? I mean, I wanted to go out all on my own, that was the point. But someone drove me. That's pretty embarrassing, isn't it?"

"Well, it's normal to take what's offered," Shizuru said. "Don't you think?"

"I guess so," I admitted. "Well, that's pretty much what I did, after all. I thought about it even at the time, but I went with it in the end." I shrugged. "Bt it made me think, though, when I looked out the window of the car. Haven't you always lived like this? I mean, it's not like I didn't know before. But it's a strange thing to appreciate."

"You're right, of course. But it's not like I've gone out of my way to hide that fact." Shizuru sighed. "I'm not a normal person, in more ways than one. You're not wrong to think of me as a spoiled child."

I frowned. "No. That's not what I meant, though. You were sent to Fuka, right? And what was it your mother said about that? To avoid spoiling you was her meaning, anyway. That's a pretty weird perspective, don't you think? How would you say it?" I scratched my cheek thoughtfully. "I'm not saying being spoiled is good, but isn't it still normal? If I was your mother, I'd spoil you."

"Natsuki is very kind," Shizuru said wryly.

"I was wondering, though, why Fuka?" I asked, turning my head and glancing at her tawny hair. "It's not like you needed the scholarship, right? Is the old man some kind of miser, after all? Or did they just rate the school anyway?"

"As I understand it, Otou-sama approved of the ethos and methods," Shizuru replied briefly.

I blinked. "But, I mean, a twelve-year-old ran it, however you look at it. Or a dwarf, if you're being charitable. That's pretty awkward."

Shizuru chuckled. "She ran half of Fuka… and was very competent, I might add. Students ran the other half, and it was always his intent if not mine that students was taken to mean me."

I frowned. "I see. Even so, you might easily have gone somewhere else, right? It's not like they were interested in the school being local…"

We talked for a long time, and at least at first I didn't say anything relevant to my intentions, after all. But if it makes her smile, then it can't be bad, and if it feels right then it probably is. That's why I just went with the flow, and said whatever came to mind. I wouldn't have to force myself to say anything dramatic for a while, because amidst all of that was so many smaller things I wanted to say there were plenty of personal things. Thinking of her was natural, talking to her was natural, and reassuring her was natural. I could do all of those things without lying or pretending or forcing myself. And I can trust her with my innermost thoughts, and relish her replies, her kindness and warmth, even her sadness, even her teasing. I know she feels the same way, as well, when we talk like this. It makes me a little dizzy, knowing that I can affect someone like that. I'm needed like that. I'm wanted like that.

This is the special thing we share, and I don't feel the same way about anyone else. Not Mai, and not anyone else. Just her.

"You know, it's strange," Shizuru said. "What I said about myself earlier wasn't wrong, but I'm not worried right now. It makes me feel a little stupid, really. I've worried you over nothing…"

I smiled. "You're pretty arrogant, aren't you? If you didn't tell me, you'd probably still be worrying, right?"

"Perhaps," Shizuru admitted playfully.

"You know, it's the same for me," I admitted. "Now I'm like this, you make me feel a lot better. And when I was in a bad situation before, that was also true. Even if being with you didn't change anything, it made me feel better, at least."

"Thank you."

"Shizuru, can I talk about something important?" I asked.

"Of course," Shizuru said. "Haven't we been doing that already, though?"

"This is more important," I said quietly.

"Sounds scary."

"A little," I said, half to myself. "But. Just listen."

There's no way I can be mistaken about this. For us, if not mutual understanding, we certainly both wish to do the right thing, for each other.

"Of course, Natsuki."

And I'll go very far for her, knowing she'll do the same for me. But I don't have to, and neither does she. It's natural.

"You know what I was talking about earlier, Shizuru?" I asked. "About how I understand your feelings better now, and what you did was natural?"

"Of course," Shizuru replied.

"Well, when I think about it, I guess you were still wrong." I scratched my cheek. "Though that makes me sound rather harsh. What do you think?"

"Under the circumstances, I can't disagree," Shizuru murmured.

"Well, yeah, but more than that," I said, with feeling. "For the two of us… even if you kept smiling for me, I know it was hard. I think I really understand, because, well, I've been experiencing similar things as well." I closed my eyes.

"Is that so?" Shizuru asked softly.

And those words aren't enough. I'm not satisfied just with her caution and her friendship. I also understand clearly that I can change things. I just have say the right words.

"It was wrong for me, too," I said more confidently. "I was your friend, and even though I was cold I didn't want you to feel that way. And hiding it didn't change your feelings, did it?"

"That's right," Shizuru admitted.

That's right. Something like this can't be shaken off by something so simple as denial. I know that.

"I didn't really get anything, then. We couldn't continue forever like that, and I wouldn't have been happy if I'd understood." And I took a breath. My fingers were tracing patterns on my knees, images of nervous thought.

The fear is the value of the thing. The fear is the value of your life. I learned that long ago.

Always go forwards.

"And right now, you know, things are the same. We can't continue on like this."

"Natsuki," Shizuru said, sounding shocked and upset.

That came out wrong. And this must be truly priceless. "That's not what I meant!" I blurted. "I mean… what I'm saying is, you can't hide your pain from me any longer. All of those things you wanted to say. And for me, as well, I can't hide anything or keep anything back. We care about each other."

And when I felt her pain and feel her release again, and know that was from my words alone, and understand that I was stirred with her, the same feelings, the same thoughts, something true of her as well, that degree of connection and that wanting, and that much need, needing to be with her and she was me, seeing her smile at my smile and look into our eyes and hear our voice, feel strength, warmth, kindness, an inevitable connection, her and I, just that. Being glad that I make her happy, happy that she makes me glad. Being flattered by her gaze and her thoughts, and knowing that I want to look upon her. I can't put the extend of that into words, and there's no need to do so. I already understand.

There's so much more I could say, so much more I would say, but for now, it would be a waste of time.

That's why, this time, I'm going to say clearly what my heart sincerely feels.

I turned awkwardly. "Shizuru, can you look at me?"

"Of course." Shizuru's breath catches, and when she turns her beautiful face towards me it is taut with emotion. She's a perfect canvas.

Some part of her probably already knows. I know she who knows me.

My heart, my breath, my sight, they're all moved by this. It's been so long.

And I thousand excuses spring to mind, but I don't need to use so many words.

"I love you." And I'm moved by heat and fear and uncontrolled emotion, in an instant, a clear desire. Understand those words. I'm falling forwards, and I don't know where to place my arms, I can't see anything but your red eyes, wide and emotive. I don't know what you're feeling. My hands are pressed against your shoulders, my body against my hands, and somehow our faces collide. I manage to press my lips against yours. I close my eyes, all physical, desperate passion, no thought. I need you to acknowledge me.

Somehow, your arms are around my back, and your lips are moving against mine.

I am fulfilled.


	51. Chapter 51

**Windows of the Soul: Part Fifty-One**

Well, that was a double-checkpoint, so to speak. Thanks to everyone who has supported me up until now. The story still has this and that to go, because few things are so convenient as to work themselves out after just one kiss. But we've come a long way, all the same.

* * *

And then tomorrow.

When I awoke, there was a white-haired ghost sitting by my side.

"Good morning, Natsuki-chan."

I groaned, rubbing my forehead. "You people have way too much spare time."

"Sorry about that," Viola said playfully. "But I don't normally start work for half an hour, so I thought I'd stop by."

"What time is it?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"Five to seven," Saaya said promptly. "I'm sure you'll be glad to hear that, of course."

"Hideko is waking up Shizuru, naturally," Viola added.

"Great, just great," I mumbled, turning over in bed and burying my face in the pillow. "This is a holiday, you know…"

"And Mai-chan's been up for half an hour. She works very hard, doesn't she?"

"Give me five minutes," I said, half to myself. Damn, but when do these two get up, anyway? Whenever I see them, they're perfectly dressed, often looking down at me and grinning. It's unnatural. Do they go to bed early or something?

More importantly, what is Mai thinking? Honestly, she says I'm reckless, but she always goes too far as well. Between one person and another, it's pretty clear I won't get a full night's sleep at all this holiday. No wonder Shizuru always says she's tired.

I'd been having a good dream, too. Not that I can remember it or anything.

This is the real world, though, and real memories always displace dreams in my head. Like, I confessed to and kissed Shizuru. In Shinri's study. What the hell was I thinking? If he'd come in at the wrong moment, that would have been seriously awkward. Talk about losing track of time… and I can't believe some of the things I said, either. I'm not a sappy person, damnit, so it isn't natural for her to make me talk like that! Aside from that, is this really safe? I mean, the stereotypes about angry fathers is a lot less funny when you happen to know said father owns a genuine katana. And he can use it.

None of that's really too important, though. I'm just picking on the details because, frankly, I've never felt comfortable with being happy. Before now, any residue feelings of contentment and peace I've felt are swiftly followed by divine intervention stabbing me in the back. But, what the hell. It's a new day. I'm Shizuru's something, girlfriend I guess, and that's good. It means things should be less awkward, now, and it also means we can do interesting things together. Like that whole kiss stuff. I don't think I'm very good, but I'm not against learning or anything. Plus, most importantly, she's now officially mine. She's not allowed to just swan off to university and forget me any more, damnit! I'll seriously be holding her to that. I've spent this long chasing after her, so she's not allowed to escape just like that.

I frowned slightly, keeping my eyes closed for the moment. Yeah, things have really changed now, haven't they? It's a bit scary, but also exciting. I'm pretty much outside my areas of experience, but if it's us two, it'll work out somehow. I'm certain of that, so I'm happy right now.

Alright. Time to get up. Honestly, this is the worst.

I forced myself to sit up, rubbing my eyes. "Right. Fine. And before you ask, I'm wearing my own clothes today, okay?"

"We never thought of anything else," Saaya said innocently.

"I'm sure," I said sarkily, standing on shaky legs. Pain shot up my thigh. Shit. Yeah, some things don't disappear no matter how your life circumstances have changed.

"Do you need to change that bandage?" Saaya asked swiftly. "I can do it."

"It'll keep," I said dismissively. "I'm healing up pretty fast."

"Hmm," Saaya said, apparently unconvinced. "What do you think, Viola?"

"Sorry, Natsuki-chan," Viola said innocently. "If Saaya thinks so, I might have to insist. You're in our care right now, after all."

I groaned. "Fine, fine. But I can do it myself, you know. I'll take care of it later."

"If you're sure, but it can't be easy for you." Saaya shrugged. "There's not many girls your age experienced in treating stab-wounds."

"What, are you?" I asked, reading for the wardrobe and trying to find some clean underwear. Of course, there was far too much of it, which still makes me feel weird. Normally I'm shy, but Viola can't see anything and they're both old women anyway. It's all good.

"Not particularly. But I've treated various injuries before, and I do have training."

"Well, Mai's had training too, and Shizuru apparently. Wouldn't be surprised if Reito and Mikoto could do this stuff too, at least for themselves. We're overqualified people, remember that." I frowned. Good. No one had stolen my jeans for washing while I'd slept. Trousers of any kind aren't in the female Fujino vocabulary, which is a pain for someone like me.

"So it would seem," Viola said, sounding vaguely amused. "You know, Shinri's a little impressed with you all. I've been hearing less about the low calibre of the new generation, which is rather refreshing."

"Ha. Does Mikoto have anything to do with it?" I grabbed one of my tank tops and headed for the bathroom. "I'll be back in a minute."

"Of course. Take your time," Viola replied.

But honestly, those two go where they like. Have they ever done this with Mai, or am I a "lucky" person to receive this kind of attention? I sighed, dressing quickly. The strange thing is that I'm really, genuinely used to it by now. And I don't actually mind. Strange that.

Is this normal? To be woken up by someone like this? I don't really remember my parents, but it feels like that might be the case. I dunno. Maybe this is what it's like to have a mother.

Just for comparison, though, damnit. There's no way my mother was ever this weird. She had a labcoat, not a kimono, and she worked hard. Even so, she looked after me. And then she sold me to Searrs for a ridiculous amount of cash. Shit.

I'm not going to dwell on that stuff. There's no significance to what Viola and Saaya do, they're just that kind of people. Like Shizuru, they tend to hang around anything and anyone they find interesting without deigning to explain. I should be flattered by the attention, but it's just that for now.

More importantly, they might know about Shizuru. And while I'm not as worried as she is, because Viola isn't my mother, whether I like her or not, I can see why that could be a problem. I mean, if I end up being thrown out of the house or something like that. Sure, they seem like pretty nice people, but I guess I shouldn't just take that for granted. And however one looks at it, socially speaking, we're in a difficult situation. That bastard, too, with his cryptic comments… I wonder what Shizuru made of that. In any case, I don't have strong feelings about this one. If they suspect, let them. If they confront us, that's also fine. If they approve they approve and if not they'll be getting to Shizuru through me. As far as I'm concerned, it's a simple situation.

Shizuru sees all of this in a more complex light, though. So I have to appreciate that perspective of hers.

In any case, I could hear her, just about, talking to Hideko. It beats me as to what they're actually talking about. Saaya and Viola were also speaking about something, in a low voice so I couldn't hear. Knowing them, chatting about dresses. But I'll admit, at least, Shizuru's mother could have turned out a lot worse, from my perspective. I can at least survive Shinri, and then several of what are probably my friends are here. Also Reito and Shiho, of course, but Shizuru seems to get on a lot better with those two. Go figure. And, of course, Shizuru herself. It's also been four days since someone last tried to kill me, and there are no supernatural monsters at all! This is a good time for me, I guess.

If today is the day for taking stock, I guess I'll be forced to concede that somehow, things have turned out pretty good for me. The main danger of being around here is that they tend to force me into dressing strangely. But not today! Therefore, today is officially perfect.

When I returned, they both looked at me, and stopped talking. "That was fast," Saaya remarked.

"So I don't take an hour to get ready," I retorted lazily. "That's why I can afford to sleep in a bit. I'll bet you that Shizuru's still agonising over her wardrobe.

"That's likely, indeed," Viola agreed. "On that note, Natsuki-chan, how was Shizuru yesterday? Shinri said he thought you should be the one to clear things up."

"It was fine," I said, trying not to sound off-balance. Don't blush. Don't blush.

"That's good. She'd been acting strange all day, and it was really worrying me." Viola glanced up at me. "What was upsetting her, in the end? Or can't you tell me?"

"Uhm. I don't know how much I should say without her permission. It's like a confessional, right?" I pushed my hair back over my shoulders. "Besides, you can ask her yourself, can't you? I'd be more comfortable with that."

"I suppose you're right," Viola conceded gently. "But you know, it always makes a mother sad. Even so, it's inevitable that I'm not always the right person to comfort Shizuru, now she's a young adult."

"Oh, don't take it so hard," I said, trying to sound comforting. "It wasn't anything important, really. You know Shizuru, she tends to get worked up about strange things anyway…"

"You know her well. In any case, we're counting on you." Viola stood, folding her hands into her sleeves, and looked at me thoughtfully. "If you ever need anything, come to me. In that regard, you can think of yourself as Shizuru."

"Just remember that we never gave Shizuru much pocket-money either," Saaya said playfully.

"Thanks," I said, blinking. "I'll bear that in mind. You know me, though, I always end up doing things my way…"

"That's why it's safe for me to make a promise like that," Viola teased. "In any case, Shizuru's probably waiting. For my part, I'm going to go and work out the final details with Mai-chan. She's a very dependable girl."

"Seriously. Sometimes I think she should go into business as a party co-ordinator. Or else a teacher." Preferably in primary school. I dread to think what the average teenage boy would make of her.

Viola nodded and smiled, before departing smoothly. Saaya waved over her shoulder before following after.

Like I said, they come and go as they please. It's a strange habit. Either way, I walked the short distance needed to bring me into Shizuru's room, opening the door without thinking. Luckily, they were already on the socks by the time I'd arrived.

Shizuru looked over her shoulder at me, smiling brightly. "Good morning, Natsuki."

I grinned back. "Yo. Taking your sweet time again, right?"

"Just a little," Shizuru said. "What does Natsuki think? Is it nice?"

She probably would have twirled if it wasn't for the fact that Hideko was entangled in her knees. Another white sundress, albeit one with a longer skirt this time. "It looks good," I said honestly.

"Thank you. I have a hat as well, this time." She leaned down as Hideko stood back deftly, putting it on her head. It was one of those big, floppy sun-hat type things.

I put a hand on my hip, sighing. "You're really going all out, aren't you?"

"Well, I have a reason," Shizuru returned, taking it off her head again and shaking her hair out. "Hideko agreed this with Okasama before."

"And you're fine with it, of course. It makes me feel under-dressed. Just don't go into the kitchen like that. I think Mikoto could stain it just by looking."

"I suppose you have a point," Shizuru admitted. "But I can always wear an apron. Besides, will Natsuki be joining me in that?"

"Not unless you really want to see those policemen again, this time on charges of poisoning," I said wryly. "In terms of cooking, aren't we as bad as each other?"

"Well, quite. It's a bit of a problem, really." Shizuru knelt slightly, adjusting her socks. "Thanks for your help, Hideko. It's much appreciated."

"It's nothing. Well, then." She bowed her head, then left.

"Honestly, still so spoiled," I said teasingly.

"And you aren't? You said so yourself, and we're in the same household." Shizuru glanced at me for a moment, then stepped back, stretching elegantly. "Irrespective of that it's rare for you to be up so early."

"Hardly," I said, trying to sound annoyed. "Right now, the opposite is true. That's my problem."

"I suppose so. But that reminds me, I really do need to make you study again, don't I?"

"Not really," I said. "We should just have fun for now, right? There's still plenty of time."

"Nice try, but I need to be a responsible person," Shizuru replied. "You need to work hard."

"Honestly, only you'd think about something so dull at a time like this," I said, folding my arms.

"At the time of a picnic?" Shizuru replied innocently. "I don't particularly like them, so it's not unusual."

I pouted. "Not that, idiot."

Shizuru walked towards me. "Hmm. You look cute like that, after all."

I flushed slightly. "You're in a good mood, aren't you?"

"Should I be sad?" Shizuru touched my shoulder lightly. "In any case, we'd better go to breakfast, right?"

I turned, trying not to grin. "Sure, fine. But you're really going too far, considering how gloomy you were before."

"It's fine, isn't it?" Shizuru asked playfully. "Or does Natsuki prefer my gloomy side?"

"No, I prefer this!"

"Exactly." Shizuru smiled warmly.

"Typical," I said, attempting to sound hurt. We walked side-by-side.

"In any case, if you say this is fast you wouldn't be wrong," Shizuru said more quietly. "I'm still taking some time to adjust myself. But you were completely serious, right?"

"Of course," I said. "It would be a pretty weird joke."

"Well, quite." Shizuru looked up. "It's difficult for me to make sense of this at short-notice, you know. That's why I have to ask. But, I'm happy."

"I'd be kinda pissed off if you were sad," I pointed out.

"And rightly so. But if it were anyone else, I'd question your judgement, you know. Natsuki is a slightly strange person, after all." Shizuru shrugged. "But you're you, after all. You always make up your own mind, so I won't waste your time saying how kind you are, or how lucky I am. You don't want that, right?"

"Well, a little of the latter would be fine," I quipped. "I'm not objecting to that."

Shizuru chuckled. "I'll bear that in mind."

"Anyway, a picnic, is it?" I asked conversationally. "We aren't the only people who settle things quickly around here. Or, maybe we're slow, I guess…"

"Okasama seems enthusiastic. I'm not surprised. She doesn't leave the house very often." Shizuru glanced at me. "Imagine how you feel now, I suppose. Then project that thirty years into the future."

"Ouch," I said sympathetically. "That much be hard on her."

"I imagine so, they I wouldn't know myself," Shizuru said. "If any case, if there's anything I can do to help, I will."

"Right. I guess I owe it to Mai, as well."

"Touching on another note," Shizuru said quietly, looking away. "I'm sure I don't need to say it, but insofar as it's possible I'd like our relationship to be a secret. Especially from my parents."

'Our relationship'. She makes it sound so scary. "Sure, fine," I returned neutrally. "I don't mind too much either way, but if that's what you want. Oh, but I'll tell Mai, at least. I owe it to her, considering she encouraged me a lot."

Shizuru nodded. "If you like."

"How about you?" I asked curiously. "Are you going to tell anyone?"

"Hmm. I'm not sure," Shizuru said thoughtfully.

"You probably want to tell Reito, don't you?" I teased. "That'd shut him up. You can if you like… or maybe I'll tell him, instead."

"I'll tell him," Shizuru said. "I think I probably also owe that to him, though that case is more ambivalent. In any case, it's something I'll deal with myself."

"Whatever you say," I replied.

Shizuru stopped for a moment, glancing at me.

"What?"

"Nothing much," Shizuru replied. "I'm still trying to grasp this circumstance… it has a very dreamlike quality to it."

"I'll pinch you and we'll see," I said. "Besides, it's not like I did this completely out of the blue. When did you first suspect?"

"It never even crossed my mind, I'm afraid," Shizuru confessed. "Or if it did I put it instantly out of mind as hopeless, groundless optimism. I was far too busy confirming that I'd be just your friend, and worrying about myself…"

"I guess so. Well, I only worked things out recently myself. Yesterday, to be honest." I folded my arms. "Though I'd been thinking about it before, okay? I'm certain, too, so you don't need to worry about that."

"I'll try my best not to worry," Shizuru said. She stopped, glancing at me, and sighed. "It's not like I'm particularly proud of my recent self. So it's not just for this that I'm trying, either. I think that would give the wrong impression."

"It's not like I'm particularly worried. Hey, were you even listening to me last night?" I chided, smirking at her.

"I must confess I got lost after the visit to Kyoto Station. But you ended up commanding my full attention," Shizuru said wryly.

"Scared?"

"More shocked than scared, I think," Shizuru said. "But in a good way, if you know what I mean."

I chuckled. "I'm sure. I was scared out of my mind… I'm never gonna say anything bad about Mai's indecisiveness ever again."

"What? Did you think I'd reject you?" Shizuru asked, giving me an amused look. "I know you always say you're bad at reading signs, Natsuki, but that's a little much."

"Well, you never know," I said defensively. "Rationality doesn't come into it… or what you think some times, damnit."

"Hmm. You have a point, but-" Shizuru stopped abruptly as one of the maids came past, pushing some kind of trolley with food on it. "Well, it's done now," she finished instead.

"We can talk about this later," I suggested. "I don't know about you, but I still have a lot to say."

"That's a good idea. And you're not wrong, either." Shizuru smiled. "Until then, let's have an interesting day."

"Fine by me," I agreed.

And if I was to do this again, I'd choose a time where we could have done this before. Never mind.

To my surprise, there were already quite a few people in the dining room when we arrived. It was also moderately busy.

"What do you mean, you can't cook!" Mai said loudly. "You can at least help out! I'm sick and tired of you relying on me for free meals anyway! So, for the last- oh. Hello, you two."

"Morning," I said, raising my eyebrows.

"Good morning, everyone," Shizuru said, smiling pleasantly.

"Natsuki, you're fine with helping me cook, right?" Mai demanded sharply.

"But, I thought we agreed that I couldn't do it-" I began.

"It's no wonder you can't do it if you never even try!" Mai snapped imperiously. "I'm tired of excuses!"

"If you want us to help or even take care of it, that's more than possible," Saaya said diplomatically.

"There's no need for us to trouble you when we already rely on your hospitality," Mai said firmly. "Isn't that right, everyone?"

Mikoto was currently sitting _under _her chair with her hands over her head, which neatly illustrates the reasons behind an astoundingly unanimous reply. The wrath of the strongest Hime isn't a laughing matter, after all.

"I'm not sure how much help I'll be, but I'm willing to try," Shizuru said calmly, sitting down in her place.

"It's very kind of you to offer, Shizuru-san," Mai said, with a sudden serenity. "All the same, you should take it easy. This is one way we can show your family gratitude for letting us stay."

"There's no need to feel that way," Shizuru began, before stopping herself. "But I'm sure we appreciate the gesture, all the same. It's very kind of you."

"This is nothing," Mai said smoothly. "In any case, you can help me, can't you? Yuichi, Natsuki?"

"Yes, Mai," Tate said tiredly. He rubbed his forehead.

"Tch. Fine," I replied, as petulantly as I dared. I sat down next to Shizuru. "Let's eat breakfast first, though. There's no need to get excited so early in the morning."

And that was that, as far as my independence for the rest of the morning was concerned. It was only when were walking to the kitchen some time after breakfast that something occurred to me, and then the others. Our members being Sergeant Mai, Tate and I as conscripts and Shiho the volunteer, we'd developed an axis of awkwardness. That wasn't helped by the fact that Tate was still sulking, of course. And I might have been sulking, just a bit. Just a 5 sulk, nothing dramatic. And Mai was still pissed.

Either way, obvious conversation eluded me.

"What were you really doing yesterday, anyway?" Shiho asked me pointedly. "You never gave us a clear answer. And Shizuru-san was worried, you know."

"Nothing much," I replied defensively. "It's fine, isn't it?"

Shiho gave me a piercing look. "It's strange, going off on your own."

"It's normal when you want to think. Besides, I've already talked to Shizuru about it."

"I see," Shiho said thoughtfully.

"More than that, isn't it strange to worry?" Tate asked. "I never get what Fujino-san's thinking."

"You're just insensitive, Onii-chan," Shiho said dismissively. "How would you feel if Mai disappeared for a day without giving a real reason?"

"I wouldn't really mind," Tate said absently.

"Oh, really?" Mai asked sharply.

"Well, what am I supposed to think?" Tate demanded. "It's about trust, damnit! Trust!"

"Then show a more positive tone, at least! You're talking about me as if I'm a cucumber or something!"

"Where did the cucumbers thing come from?" Tate asked. "Come to that, what's wrong with them? Do you have something against them?"

"You should at least attempt to take me seriously!"

I grimaced, sighing. "Alright, can we just calm down, already? It's not like any of this stuff really matters."

"Of course it matters," Mai said hotly.

"Right! I feel sorry for Shizuru-san!" Shiho added.

"You two are just being over-dramatic," Tate said. "Right, Kuga-san?"

I just groaned. This was supposed to be a good day.

"In any case," Mai said, with some effort. "Let's just concentrate on making lunch, already. Everyone is counting on us, remember?"

"Why us?" Tate asked. "Senpai could help too, at least."

"Reito spends a lot of time babysitting Mikoto for us, so we have to thank him as well," Mai said firmly.

"Isn't that just normal when they're siblings? No, more than that, why exactly do we look after her the rest of the time anyway? She has a brother now…"

"That's inconsiderate," Mai said. "Mikoto's at that age, right? She needs far more family than just an elder brother. Besides, I happen to like having her around."

"Well, so do I, I'm just saying that doesn't mean we owe senpai," Tate insisted. "He always gets out of these things!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

I wonder what "that age" means with reference to Mikoto. She still acts like a twelve-year old Viking rather than anything more sincerely troubling.

"Well, if you put half of the effort you've spent on whining into helping me out, we should be done quickly enough," Mai said shortly, glaring at Tate. "We should concentrate on that for now."

"Yes, yes," Tate replied briefly, with just a hint of sarcasm.

"In any case, we're here," Mai said, knocking.

"So this is where they keep the kitchens," I mused. "You know, it sounds bad to say this, but I didn't actually know where it was very clearly. Like Shizuru, I kinda took it for granted."

"I borrowed a corner from time to time to make snacks for Mikoto," Mai said idly. "I doubt anyone else of us knew, so don't feel too bad."

"I'll bear that in mind," I said, bemused.

"Excuse us for intruding," Mai said, bowing to the cook. "Would it be alright if we borrow a corner for about an hour?"

That hour was an optimistic estimate, especially after Tate burned the eggs twice and Mikoto stopped by to steal some fish. The strange thing was, she's best friends with that cook or something. I suppose it's true that they both have something in common, but still.

And I don't get Mai and Tate, either. They spent half an hour in mutual silence, then after some critical point I must have missed they suddenly started talking again and before I knew it Mai was laughing at one of Tate's jokes and all was right with the world. It's bipolar or something. But I'll admit I did pay more attention to them than I would normally. I mean, at least they've lasted this long. I absolutely refuse to believe that I could learn from Tate, but Mai is different. Of course, Shizuru is also different, so I may be wasting my time. But the principle is sound.

In any case, it looks like there's no need for me to stop calling her an idiot any time soon. Mai does that a lot.

It was also a pretty frustrating time, actually, and not just because I'm hopeless at cooking. But just occasionally- very occasionally with me, but this is one of those times- you have something really good you want to tell someone, and if you don't get the chance you end up feeling you'll just collar the nearest person and make them listen to tirade how wonderful your new cat/television/motorbike or whatever is. And I seriously wanted to tell Mai. She wasn't just a random person, she was the designated person, the one who would definitely nod, make all the right noises and avoid falling asleep to my face. Further to that, she was between one and ten feet away for at least an hour and a half. You'd think that would be an ideal chance, but it wasn't like I could just drop it into everyday conversation. And, of course, Shizuru had made me promise to be discreet. Otherwise I'd probably just forget social convention and drop it into the conversation without regard for my surroundings.

And just like every time when you have something really important, witty and life changing to say but your stupid friends are hogging the conversation, I was going mad with frustration listening to an awkward conversation about Shiho's manga. I ended up taking the direct approach. "Hey, Mai, can I talk to you for a second?"

"What? Have you burned the fish?" Mai asked.

I winced. "No, damnit. Just listen, okay." I dragged her away from the other two, and glared at them warningly. "You two aren't allowed to listen! Just carry on with whatever it is you're doing!"

"Whatever," Shiho replied irritably. "It's not like I care about what you're saying or anything."

"Well?" Mai asked expectantly, glancing at me.

I turned to face her, lowering my voice. "You know how I went out yesterday, right?"

Mai nodded.

"I was using that to think about everything. You know. And I ended up deciding, so, basically… uh… me and Shizuru are, you know." I flushed. "Girlfriends. In that sense."

"What, so you really went through with that?" Mai asked, all innocent enthusiasm. "Congratulations!"

"Not so loud," I said belatedly, looking up.

"So what's happened?" Tate asked. Shiho, while feigning disinterest, also watched intently.

"Natsuki's finally-" I managed to cut her off before she could say anything else, a process expedited by a firm elbow applied to the stomach.

"Nothing," I said brightly. "I'll tell you later."

"You're so shy," Mai said, rubbing her side. "That's pretty cute."

"That's not for me, you know," I said quickly, glaring pointedly in the direction of the cook. "Be a bit more careful, considering the circumstances, okay."

"Fine, fine. I was just teasing you anyway." Mai grinned, patting my arm. "Good work, anyway. I'll keep your secret for now."

I groaned, stepping away. This had to be deliberate. "Anyway, I'll tell you more later," I said. "You probably want to hear the detail."

"Nothing too graphic," Mai said innocently. "I'm not sure if I could stomach that."

"Mai!" I snapped.

She giggled. "Alright, alright. Let's get back to work. Thanks for telling me, though."

"No problem," I said, slightly mollified.

"I thought Shizuru-san was energetic this morning-"

"Shut up, already!"

Mai just smiled at me, a reminder of every crack I'd ever made about her and Tate. Yeah, payback really is a bitch. But I'll live with it. That's what friends are for, apparently.

And, frankly, I'm glad that I can tell someone who doesn't disapprove. Mai has a refreshingly simple perspective, and it suits me fine. I'd expect no less of my friend. And it's probably necessary for me to be able to talk to her from time to time, the way she talks to me, if I'm annoyed or upset or worried, and calm myself down. That's also something she owes me.

The problem is whether Shizuru can do that, as well. But it'll probably turn out okay, anyway.


	52. Chapter 52

**Windows of the Soul: Part Fifty-Two**

In general, I can only write decent large group scenes when I've written every participant apart, at least a little. Hopefully after 50-odd chapters it's within the range of possibility...

* * *

Is this a dream or an imagining? Or is this real? I spent hours last night pondering that, considering the circumstances, trying to find less obvious and more intuitive meanings than the ordinary conclusion. Phantasms that faded with daylight, those thoughts aren't worth speaking of. And this morning seems to have been confirmation, as well. But I can't deny the slightly surreal nature of this outcome. This is what I've always wanted, wantonly written onto reality, but the very fact that I did nothing and said nothing but simply received her love without asking makes me feel… strange. It's a stupid distinction, of course. There's no way I would have allowed myself to impose on her feelings by pursuing her again. If anything were to happen, it would have to be like this. And in any case, I gave her tacit permission by saying what I said long ago. But my worries were not on this note, though they were related. It makes it hard to pin down when and why that romantic dream became a reality. What I feel, in part, is an absent wonder for an outcome I did not ask for nor deserve.

I put my hands on my knees and looked thoughtfully up at the sky. Even so, I've become aware of many things. My passivity, my weakness, my stubbornly unchanging nature, and the degree to which Natsuki has done everything for me, suffering all the while. I do not want to trouble her… those words have always been intended sincerely, though they've often also been misapplied. And in this instance, I need to move beyond my mere ordinary patterns of thought. What I deserve or did not deserve, earned or did not earn, what I receive and what I think about it, all of that is a moot point, really. What is, is, and that is that Natsuki loves me. I don't really understand, insofar as I've done much harm to her and little good. But that just means I should ask her, and remember what she says. If it's Natsuki, she will have a reason for her emotions; she's not a weak, easily lead person I could control by mere expectations alone.

And in the meantime, I should bear her own desires in mind. At this point, she wants me to smile, be happy, stay with her, and enjoy this prospective future with her. I am also sincerely happy, amidst all my other thoughts. More than that. Much more than that. My fear is entirely connected to the fact that these emotions are potent and swelling within me, joy and desire and release from my self-hate all welling up. After so long, I'm almost at a loss to control those feelings, and certainly I'm afraid that there's some mistake, or I'll make some mistake, or circumstances will change, and regardless this hope will be dashed by a harsher reality. After so long, I'm not particularly accustomed to being very happy, and in its own way it makes me feel brittle and vulnerable.

I'm not well, I know that. My own mistakes have burdened me with guilt, and I've struggled to bear it. Even without that, my situation has been emotionally difficult at times, and even with the support of so many people, I've been pushed and twisted, and my wounds have healed slowly. No slower than the wounds I've inflicted on others, but still. For them, at least, hate can be externalised. Nao hates me, and Haruka hates me. I often wondered whether Natsuki hated me. She said as much, from time to time, and she had sufficient reasons. I hate myself, and that is a problematic statement. Slowly and painfully I've been reminded of that difficulty, and dealt with it in various ways, from denial to a degree of release. Nonetheless, merely superimposing new emotions- my love for Natsuki, which is no longer a burden for me- won't take away the old ones. My contradiction is that my love loves me who hates myself. In that situation, I already know that I will trouble her. I have already done that several times over.

All the same, I have a quiet confidence now. Today is much easier than yesterday, and I already know I've come some way from how I have before. As I am, I can smile and laugh with Natsuki. I certainly enjoy my time with her, which is more than I did before our time here when her every gesture and word felt like it was pushing me away. At least, that was my perception, but no longer. Her presence has always eased my worries and calmed my emotions, and now I know she will continue to be by my side. For as long as that is the case, I am certain I can do it. By continuing to relish her company, not just with fake smiles but with sincerity, I can also regain myself. If I struggle, I know she will listen to me without impatience or anger. And I'm not in an impossible situation. My wounds can heal, my troubles can be smoothed over, my contradictions can be resolved. That sounds like selfishness, but selfishness in itself is necessary in some way. In any case, I can be forgiven, and I can forgive myself. Now more than ever I need to bear that in mind and realise it, for both of us.

And she loves me. If I look back honestly, I can see her warmth and her regard for me, her human kindness, not a saintly and cold redemption but a simple, unthinking acceptance given because of her own passions. When I was sad, she was sad, and she still enjoyed my happiness, so she can forgive me. Struggling through that week with me, following me, protecting me and cradling me, watching me, talking and listening to me, laughing with me, undoubtedly she's been passionate in taking care of me and enjoying my company. I was happy to call that the love of her friendship, even when she used that word. So what is the important distinction? The physical gestures, how she kissed me last night? If I close my eyes, I swear I can still feel her warmth on my lips, the strength of her body pressed against my own, filling me with a guilty and heavy desire. But it isn't just that, though that is part of it. That would probably be meaningless without that other, quintessential thing. It might be the specialness of it. She loves Mai and she loves me, but her love for me is different, and is for me alone. No one else will receive this, so it has a true emotional significance. There's also an implication of permanence, by that specialness. I cannot easily find in someone else what I find in you, so I will stay with you. That, perhaps, is what has changed since the kiss. Underlying assumptions are different.

Really, I know all too much about being in love with one person and little enough about love. I should clearly reflect on these things, for Natsuki's sake as well. I'm just myself, after all. I have a lot to learn.

This is going to be an interesting holiday, isn't it?

I wasn't exactly paying attention to the world around me, but it's very hard to miss Mikoto. Well, she's a dynamic person.

"Kaichou!" she shouted, running towards me. "Do know a good place to hide?"

I waved. "A place to hide?"

"I'm playing hide and seek with Ani, but I'm running out of places to hide," Mikoto explained, coming to halt in front of me. She looked barely fazed by the run. "Is there a good secret place?"

"Not that I know offhand," I said, trying to think.

"Too bad." Mikoto pouted. "I can't climb up a tree again, he always finds me…"

Our poor trees.

"Oh, yeah! How are you, Kaichou?" Mikoto grinned. "Ani always tells me to ask that when I talk to people."

"I'm good, I suppose," I replied, rubbing my forehead. "Probably, yes."

"I see. That's good! I'm good, too!" Mikoto nodded. "So let's have fun today!"

I smiled. "Right." Actually, I'd almost forgotten about the picnic. I can't afford to brood all day. "Oh, and I have an idea." I brought my hands together, smiling at her. "Where is Reito? I'll go that way and stall for time, so you have longer to hide."

"So Kaichou wants to talk to Ani?" Mikoto nodded to herself. "He's that way, amongst the trees again," she explained, pointing.

I nodded, slightly disconcerted. "Thank you. I'll go on, then."

Mikoto nodded, and took off again. She certainly has energy. It was moderately disturbing to learn after all this time that Natsuki wasn't exaggerating about that.

I walked the other way, composing myself. This was, as it were, the other matter that needed to be taken care of. Besides, talking to Reito is always an interesting experience. It keeps me on my toes, to say the least.

I actually found him facing a tree. Presumably, he was counting to a thousand. "Good morning," I said pleasantly.

"Good morning," Reito replied easily.

Honestly, he's always gone easy on regrets. I almost envy him.

"Is it okay if we talk for a minute," I suggested, frowning at him. "Of course, you might have to chase after Mikoto, I assume."

"Perhaps. But I'm still counting, so I'll see what I can do." Reito turned, putting his back to the tree and looking at me. "So, can I help you?"

"You can satisfy a few points of curiosity." I smiled sweetly. "Yesterday, were you the one who suggested that Mai and Tate go out?"

Reito chuckled. "Is that an accusation?"

"I shouldn't think so," I said reasonably. "Doing something like that wouldn't be unreasonable, surely? So it's just a question, after all."

"Well, you aren't wrong," Reito said, shrugging. "Did you ask them?"

"No. That was intuition. Never take a woman's intuition lightly." I frowned. "And Natsuki, was that your idea as well?"

"You're overestimating her regard for me, I'm afraid," Reito said. "In any case, you're in a remarkable mood this morning, compared to yesterday anyway. Did something happen?"

"I've been doing a lot of thinking this morning, for various reasons," I imitated. "All the same, it's yesterday I'm chiefly concerned about."

"Is that so?" Reito asked, his eyes narrowing slightly. "If I said something out of line, I apologise."

"With me and you alike, it doesn't feel like those words are worth very much," I replied. "In any case, though, my intention was to apologise to you. I let my paranoia get the better of me, which is very unsightly."

"Not at all. It's healthy, isn't it? To consider the worst-case scenario every now and then." Reito shrugged, smiling at me. "People don't do that very often, I'm afraid, and they're often the worse for it."

"Of course. But my fear wasn't particularly constructive, because it was mostly founded on fantasy. In that instance isn't it altogether pointless?"

"Not really. In that instance, it's a learning experience. Or could I say, because your inner fears were articulated by you yesterday you can stand calmly before me today?" Reito kept his tone even. "Or so one could say, if he was arguing that position. Emotion is rarely superfluous, you know, but it's often better brought and dealt with than the alternative."

"That's a pretty theoretical point, far removed from what people actually think or want, isn't it?"

"Somewhat," Reito conceded. "I'm not a fan of denial, that's all."

"You'll undoubtedly make a good politician one day, speaking like that," I replied. "And what were you intending, by your agenda yesterday?"

"My agenda?" Reito queried. "That overstates the case."

I snorted. "But if it wasn't, would your answer be the same as it was the last time I asked? Or not?"

Reito shrugged. "I've always been a consistent person."

"Yes, you have," I agreed. "That's why I'm still trying to work you out. I find it difficult to proscribe outright malice to your actions, but equally difficult to find another easy explanation."

"I'm not sure what you're talking about," Reito said innocently. "But if that's the case, are you sure it wouldn't be much easier to hate me? You may well be overcomplicating things."

"I think that's my line," I said dryly. "But putting that aside, not really, no. I'm not so naïve as to be comforted by that. At the very least, you let me think clearly and realise a few useful things. Not that I'm exactly thanking you for your assistance…"

"If I did, then it was all your conscientiousness," Reito said, raising his hands. "I'm not as subtle as all that, surely, and I was just speaking honestly yesterday."

"Merely lying or telling the truth doesn't really relate to your motives. But if that's the case, can you tell me clearly now what you thought of Natsuki's departure?" I asked pointedly.

"All of what I said had some validity in my mind." Reito narrowed his eyes. "I'm sure you can elaborate in your own mind. Natsuki-chan is stubborn, wilful and independent. She keeps criminal contacts and has a chequered past not assisted by her proximity to you. She's known as the most important person of Shizuru Fujino-Hime."

"I suppose I should expect no less of you, considering the circumstances," I remarked. "But I can't help but feel that's a misleading truth of yours. Did you consider anything else?"

"Perhaps. But why the sudden interest in what I think someone thinks of you?"

"Well, circumstances have changed very recently. Or, to state things plainly, Natsuki confessed to me last night." Though it feels strange to say those words.

"Really? I take it you accepted her feelings?" Reito asked.

His face had moved, but not, I think, enough to justify thinking he had no apprehensions. Well, that will do. I suppose in this situation anyone else might be more observant than I was. That completely unfazed reply is just another confirmation.

"I'm not sure why everyone keeps wondering about that," I said, trying to smile. "I don't think that was ever in doubt."

"Your actions in recent times haven't always tended to the logical," Reito said reproachfully. "One of the reasons for my personal interest. In any case, I'm very glad for you. Congratulations."

"No hard feelings?" I asked thoughtfully.

"In the end, a romantic dream is exactly that," Reito said, smiling. "But I'm afraid this is another strike against my reputation as a lady-killer. It feels like lesbians shouldn't count, as I wasn't to know, but I should have done my research."

I smirked, trying not to look too amused. "You have a strange sense of humour."

"So people often say. But that aside, I can only repeat my congratulations. You must be very happy."

"Naturally," I said. "In any case, as far as I'm concerned, you can consider this a settled business. That's to say that your honesty, while always welcome, isn't sought after. I'm going to take care of everything myself."

"That's a promise of value, coming from you." Reito smiled. "I may even follow it. But I'll also reserve my freedom for movement as I see fit."

"At the very least, you're honest," I replied, sighing. "And for my part, I'll look for a chance to pay you back in kind. To what degree you were involved in the outcome doesn't have much to do with the fact that I'm indebted to your kind thoughts." I folded my arms. "As such I'm obliged to return that. You aren't less needful than me."

Reito chuckled. "You shouldn't worry about me. You have more important concerns than horse-trading now, don't you?"

"Perhaps, but you know me. I dislike simply ignoring such things."

He gave me another of his boyishly innocent looks, all charm. "I see. Are you angry?"

"Should I be?" I returned evenly.

"Probably, or are you trying to confuse me?" Reito asked. "But perhaps I should just accept what I receive."

"I'm not particularly angry, save with myself," I said. "Foolishness doesn't befit me. You should probably settle for that, indeed."

"But leaving things with a reply like that is a little boring," Reito pointed out.

"I'll give you a more productive warning. If you do anything to interfere with Natsuki or I in future, I won't forgive you that," I warned.

"Don't worry. I don't have such a destructive intention. But it's good to hear you say that, all the same. It's very cute." Reito smiled. "Well, I've finished counting. If you want to help me find my errant sister, you're welcome."

"I don't really mind," I replied, rankling at the 'cute'. Perhaps I should just attack him more directly, after all. He's no less stubborn than I am.

"In any case, I'm sure you worked out yesterday's problem, and why it is only partially a weakness," Reito said conversationally. He started to walk out of the grove. "It's an interesting case, isn't it?"

"Another object lesson?" I asked dryly. "I thought I'd finished with compulsory education."

"You don't need to listen, unless you want to humour my whims." Reito glanced at me. "In any case, if it's about Natsuki-chan, you're always wide open. That's an unusually human characteristic you possess, perhaps neither a good thing nor a bad one… but something you should always bear in mind."

"I know," I said impatiently. "It's not as if I'm unaware of that characteristic myself. But these things can't be helped. Rather, it's in bad taste to take advantage of that fact."

"Taste is most often something that gets in the way of what you want to achieve," Reito said. "Don't you think?"

"Perhaps. But often with good reason," I pointed out.

"In any case, what you sought to achieve in leaving her behind wasn't an incorrect impulse. Obviously, this outcome is preferable. But you probably have a certain apprehension even now."

"There's nothing gained without risk," I said. "Tedious fears are exactly that."

"Precisely," Reito said, turning and glancing at me again. "If a situation is going to change for the better, risk and fear are necessary. Don't you think?"

I thought about that for a moment. "Hmm. You really do go too far from time to time, don't you?"

"Speaking in general terms, it makes for an interesting life," Reito replied.

* * *

Can I just say, for the record, that I hate cooking? I've never been dishonest and pretended anything else. Frankly, a girl who subjected herself to ten years of instant noodles and whatever random edibles were on offer at the time is not going to overcome that genetic bias just because Mai's in one of her moods. And as a result, I'm not very good at either. But when in Mai's in one of her moods, logic doesn't come into anything.

And in spite of Mai's whispered suggestions, I'm not making Shizuru a bento either. Courtship by food might suit someone like her, but not for me. If the way to someone's heart is through his or her stomach, I'd turn even Shizuru against me pretty quickly.

Well, fine. I'm not actually that bad, to be honest. I'm not good, but I'm not that bad. The truth is simpler; making good food is a pain, and I'd rather do something else, so it makes sense for me to maintain that I can't cook _at all _in order to avoid being dragged into these things. But like I said, logic didn't come into it. All of that relates to the fact that I wasn't sure of the outcome, though. Even if we were basically just holding things for Mai, Tate, Shiho and I don't represent the most potent culinary team. The last time we did something like this was at that bloody stupid cooking contest, and that didn't end well either.

If I recall correctly, Shizuru managed to get out of doing anything that time, too. She should tell me how she always does that at some point.

When we finally got back, most of the rest were waiting. "All done!" Mai said brightly. "We should go in a minute, to ensure a good spot!"

"We're waiting on Viola," Shinri said briefly. "She's getting changed."

I blinked. "What are you doing here?"

"Waiting," Shinri replied easily.

And you know what? He wasn't wearing a kimono or a business suit. It's downright unnatural to see _him _in casual, about a formal, ageing sort of casual. I think that violates a rule of the universe.

"He's coming with us, of course," Mai said to me. "I'm very glad."

"Seriously?" I frowned. "I didn't see him at breakfast."

"I had a few things to take care of, even on a day off," Shinri said shortly. "My schedule is flexible but unrelenting. It's a slightly different way of living from your casual freedom, Kuga."

"Well, I'm sure," I replied icily, sweeping past him and sitting down next to Shizuru. There wasn't much room, but I've never let that stop me.

"Now, now, don't fight, you two," Shizuru said, sounding vaguely amused. "I doubt Okasama would approve."

"Yes, yes," I said idly, leaning back. "And just what were you doing with your time, anyway?"

"Hide and seek," Mikoto explained. "It's more fun when there's two people looking for you. It's really hard."

"Hide and seek," I replied, taking a strained breath. "Good. Great. I'm glad you all had fun…"

"Did the cooking go well?" Reito asked politely.

"More or less," Mai said, sitting down. "There were a few mishaps, though."

"Hmm. Can you cook, Kuga?" Shinri asked, glancing at me.

"A little," I said defensively. "How about you?"

"Not at all," Shinri said proudly. "I was just curious. But it's a commendable talent."

"To the best of my knowledge, Shizuru can't cook either," I said pointedly.

"Perhaps," Shizuru admitted slyly.

"Commendable and important aren't the same thing," Shinri clarified, waving a hand dismissively.

"I don't disagree with that," Tate said tiredly.

"Yuichi! You should stop sulking, already." Mai folded her arms. "In any case, I hope you appreciate my efforts all the time. Don't take cooking lightly."

"Yes, yes…"

"What food do we have, Mai?" Mikoto asked brightly. "Is there ice cream?"

"That's a secret," Mai said playfully. "You'll see later."

"Okay." Mikoto pouted. "But can I taste some?"

"No. You aren't going to ruin your appetite this time!" Mai said strictly. "Just wait patiently."

"But it might be poisoned!" Mikoto argued.

"Ara, Ara. I don't think even Natsuki's cooking is that bad…" Shizuru mused.

"That's not fair!" I protested. "When was the last time you ate my cooking, anyway?"

"Hmm, let's see." Shizuru started counting off something on her fingers.

"Onii-chan was far worse, anyway," Shiho said briefly.

"That's not fair!" Tate protested. "I had a harder job!"

"Maybe, but she didn't drop a frying pan," Shiho said pointedly.

"How many times am I going to have to apologise for that?" Tate demanded hotly. "Besides, you weren't doing so wonderfully yourself!"

"Ara, Ara." Viola stepped into the room after Saaya, looking around with those vague pink eyes of hers. "Is everyone already here?"

"That's correct," Saaya said crisply. She was balancing a large parasol over her right shoulder and carrying a smaller, hand-held one in her left.

"Then I'm sorry I've held everyone up," Viola remarked. "But I thought it would be altogether too much to go out in a kimono today."

She was wearing a white dress, similar to Shizuru's but with a far longer skirt, and long white gloves. On her head was a floppy hat, close to the one Shizuru was balancing on her knees.

"You, too?" I asked playfully. "It's very strange seeing you dressed like that."

"I imagine so," Viola noted, tugging her sleeve thoughtfully. "I feel rather strange myself. It's been a while."

"Oh, oh!" Mikoto said, looking between them. "Are we going to the beach?"

"Mikoto, that's rude!" Mai said reproachfully.

"It's fine," Viola said cheerfully. "Going to the beach might not be a bad idea, either. What do you think, dear?"

"I doubt it's practical, under the circumstances," Shinri said. "Putting that aside, but are you sure about this?"

"Of course. I've been looking forwards to it."

Shinri nodded, before glancing at us. "And this goes without saying, of course, but be careful around my wife. That's important."

"My, Shinri," Viola said. "You don't have to put it like that. I'm not made of glass, you know."

"It's just a reminder, that's all," Shinri said, folding his arms.

"Don't worry. We won't do anything reckless," Mai said reassuringly.

"Did you hear that, Mikoto?" Reito asked. "We need to protect Viola-san from the sun. Remember that."

"The sun? That's a pretty scary enemy. It's big and far." Mikoto nodded. "Got it. Don't worry. Even if it's the sun, Ani and I can protect you."

"Well, that's a great relief to know," Viola said wryly.

"In any case, we should have an interesting time," Shizuru remarked, standing up. She slipped her hat onto her head and walked over to where her mother was standing. "But what does everyone think?"

"In poise and elegance, unmistakably mother and daughter," Reito remarked grandly.

"Oh, that's pretty cute, actually," Mai said, smiling. "Don't you think, Natsuki?"

I blinked. "Well, I guess so."

"We should take a picture," Mai suggested. "Actually, someone has a camera, right?"

"Don't worry, that's well-covered," Saaya remarked. "We have one in the car, so whoever wants to use it for the day can. Just don't use flash, okay?"

"In any case, we should probably wait until we've arrived somewhere interesting before taking any photos," Viola noted. "I don't think I need any more pictures of my own living room."

"Hmm. Well, it'll keep, I guess." Mai frowned. "And Tate can carry the camera!"

"Do I have to?" Tate asked. "I'm already carrying all the food, damnit!"

"If no one minds, I can take the camera," Reito suggested. "I'd quite like to take photos, if no one has any objection to that."

"Well, I didn't say anything about who was going to use it," Mai teased. "That's fine."

"Hey, he's a man too," Tate protested. "This just isn't fair!"

"Since when did this have anything to do with you being a man?"

"In any case, if we have nothing else to attend to, we should probably leave without further procrastination," Shinri remarked.

"There's no need to be so hurried, is there?" Viola asked. "It's fine to take a leisurely pace."

"Efficiency is always exactly itself," Shinri said firmly. "No matter the circumstances."

"Hmm," Viola remarked, brushing her sleeve thoughtfully against her pale lips. "Ah. Could it be that you're actually looking forwards to getting there? That's very sweet of you."

"How about you, Natsuki?" Shizuru asked, looking down at me. "Ready to go?"

"Whenever is fine with me," I replied, standing and stretching. "I suppose there's no point in spinning things out."

"Right," Mai agreed. "Shall we?"

And so we went, whether that was efficiency or not.

"Hey, hey, what food did you make?" Mikoto asked, bouncing around Shiho.

"Just wait and see," Shiho suggested with reserve.

"And how are you this morning?" Reito asked, looking at me.

"Same as ever, really," I said, vaguely puzzled at the sudden attention. "Making food is still a pain."

"Hmm. Well, I'll congratulate you on your hard work," Reito added. "It can't have been simple for you."

"Not really. Look, I'm not a great cook, but it's not as bad as all that…"

Shizuru coughed. "Indeed. Besides, that's a settled matter now. We should talk about other things."

"I suppose so," Reito agreed. "It should certainly be an interesting experience."

"Senpai, can you help me carry this stuff?" Tate called, struggling along. "We made quite a lot."

"Hmm. It can't be helped, I suppose." Reito nodded, falling back a little. "We just have to get to the cars, you know. That shouldn't be too challenging for someone like you?"

"Huh? We're being driven?"

"Naturally."

I sighed. "As your father says, we're a casual bunch, aren't we? Hopefully we won't cause any trouble."

"Don't worry about it," Shizuru said reassuringly. "I'm sure things will be more interesting because of that."

"Hmm. And the house?"

"The servants will be watching it."

"Is that so?" I asked, frowning. "You're trusting people, surprisingly enough. You have a lot of valuables, right?"

"Well, we have our methods," Shizuru said innocently. "Not least the fact that we know everyone. Or, Okasama, specifically. She deals with interviewing any new servant herself."

"So that's how it is… sounds like a pain."

"Less than you'd think, we're reliable people," Saaya shot back, grinning at me.

I frowned back. "Yeah, that's probably true of old fogies who've been at the job for thirty years."

"You should be careful," Saaya suggested, poking a parasol at me. "I'm the one with a pointy object to hand right now."

"I'll bear that in mind," I replied dryly. "But I guess Hideko isn't coming?"

Shizuru blinked. "No. Well, she's not really family the same way as Saaya is."

"It's a pity. I quite like her, in spite of everything," I mused, half to myself.

"She might not be comfortable coming," Shizuru said. "But, it's a thought for the future…" She looked away, frowning.

Almost without looking, we walked past Saaya and Viola, who had paused for a moment by the door. I looked back, watching as Saaya passed Viola sunglasses and unfolded the smaller parasol. "Are you ready?"

"Just a moment," Viola remarked, adjusting the sunglasses with her left hand. "It's been… quite some time, hasn't it?"

"Don't worry," Shinri said, turning back to look at her. "You'll be fine. More than that, I'm worried about these brats, so I'm the one counting on you."

"Just who are brats, anyway?" I muttered, as Shizuru touched my arm and lead me on.

"You never were good with children," Viola teased. She took an audible breath, then stepped outside.

It was a clear day.


	53. Chapter 53

**Windows of the Soul: Part Fifty-Three**

Too late at night, no comment. Enjoy, I guess.

* * *

Actually, this is a rather strange situation…

I suppose I should be social, though.

"You know, this is a rather strange situation," I said quietly, glancing at Natsuki. "Especially for my family."

"Really? It seems like a normal activity to me," Natsuki replied, looking around thoughtfully.

"That's rather the point, you see," I said teasingly. "We never exactly made a habit of doing normal things together, or at least, not in this. We went to temples from time to time, as I've said before, and other areas of historical interest. But it was never a matter of spending time together for its own sake."

"Because of your father?" Natsuki asked, frowning. "That's very typical of him."

I shrugged slightly. "Well, it's also because of my mother, after all. I'm not really complaining, just making an observation."

"I see. And if you had the choice, would you have enjoyed doing things like this more often?" Natsuki asked. "That's different again, right?"

"You're right, of course. And I might have enjoyed that, but it can't be helped. And I didn't really think of it at the time, either." I frowned. "I suppose what I'm saying is I'm surprised and interested in what we're doing now."

Natsuki chuckled. "That figures, if only for you. Like I said, it's normal, isn't it? I've never really done it either, but it's normal."

"I suppose so," I admitted. "But it still interests me, all the same. How about you?"

"Not really," Natsuki replied casually, stretching. "Well, maybe just a little."

"That's very honest of you. Isn't it normal to flatter my opinions a little more with your reply, too?" I asked playfully.

"Would I ever lie to you?" Natsuki asked, just as innocently.

"No, I suppose not," I conceded. "It's one of the more equivocal points of your character. But it's also rather charming, so I can't complain."

"Only a pretty girl could say that," Natsuki quipped, smirking at me.

"Is that so?" I asked. "I hadn't really thought about it…"

"Where should we go?" Mai asked loudly, looking back at us.

"Under a tree or some other shade would be good, for preference," I suggested instantly. "It's a hot day."

"Honestly, this is really the first time you've been out in several days," Natsuki said reproachfully. "Afraid of ruining your complexion or something?"

"I'm just showing proper concern," I remarked, adjusting the set of my hat with my free hand.

"One of those trees isn't a bad idea," Saaya agreed.

"Hmm. Trees would be good," Mikoto added, with a tone of finality. "They'll provide more cover against the sun."

"Alright, point established," Mai said. "Unless anyone complains I'm planning to avoid the benches, though. They're all taken anyway, and there's not much space. Is that fine?"

"We'll leave it to you," Otousama said crisply, almost without looking. His own gaze travelled over the park with his typical, abnormal focus. I wonder what he was looking for.

"Then let's go," Mai said. "You have the blankets, right, boys?"

"You know what, I don't," Tate said. "I'm already carrying all this, so Shiho took them from me."

"There's no need to do that," Mai said. "You should just let him carry everything, right?"

"I really don't care either way," Shiho muttered, with her characteristic glare.

"Well, if you insist."

"That reminds me, actually," Natsuki said suddenly, glancing sharply at me. "Are you actually carrying anything?"

I shook my head. "Not really, no."

"And you didn't do any cooking, either!" Natsuki grumbled, pouting. "Why are you the only one not doing any work again?"

"I wouldn't venture to speculate," I said lightly. "But I'm happy to carry something if you like."

"Not really. I'm just curious, because somehow, you're never the one doing work." Natsuki folded her arms. "One day you're doing to teach me that Zen art of yours. I could use it."

"I really don't think it's anything so grand," I began weakly.

"Natsuki, Shizuru-can is one of our very kind hosts, so she's off the hook," Mai said, waving a finger. "I told you that before, didn't I?"

"I know that, but it's not like she does much either," Natsuki groused.

"Well, that's right, and in any case there's no need to go so far," I said reasonably. "As I said, I'm fine with anything Natsuki wants me to do."

"I'm sure of that," Reito remarked from behind us. "But Natsuki-san has a point. There are plenty of other ways we can thank them."

"Then we can do them too," Mai said decisively. "And it's not like you're even carrying very much, Natsuki. Or, in fact, anything."

"I helped in the kitchen, though," Natsuki complained.

"So did I," Tate remarked. "That didn't help me, damnit."

"You don't count," Natsuki remarked, with luxurious disdain.

"Why does everyone bully me?" Tate demanded. "You guys are all evil!"

I touched her shoulder briefly, smiling. "You shouldn't tease him, Natsuki."

"Who said anything about teasing?" Natsuki asked, turning her head away briefly and trying not to smile.

"We could always do something different on the way back," Reito suggested. "That would be more reasonable, no?"

"I'll think about it, but it really isn't that important," Mai returned. "Just as long as it gets carried here safely."

I looked thoughtfully back at my parents, who were talking quietly to each other. Undoubtedly about an interesting story or an anecdote. I can't afford to be so paranoid as to find any other meaning in it. Spouses are allowed to talk.

Mikoto caught my eye and nodded purposefully, still walking with a giant parasol shouldered like a rifle. I think she took Reito a bit too seriously, after all.

"What's up? Under the weather?" Natsuki teased.

"Ara. No, just thinking a little," I replied. "I was a little worried about Okasama, but it looks like she'll be fine."

"You know, I'm inclined to agree with her," Natsuki said, facing forwards again. "She can look after herself, right? You all can."

"That's certainly true," I said. "But she's not entirely independent, either. One has to think about it."

"You always think too much anyway."

We ended up beneath a tree, predictably enough. I was very scrupulous about sitting on the blanket, of course. White really stains. And Natsuki wasn't, of course. Her clothes probably stain too but that's never really stopped her before, after all. Everyone else sat around us, with Okasama holding court under the shadows of the tree itself. Saaya and Otousama sat on either side of her, adding to that effect, but I think it was Mikoto standing over her as an honour guard that made it most striking. Like her brother, she has hidden depths, though just what those depths are hiding differ between the two of them.

Her vigilance was also like the proverbial elephant, at least insofar as no one was quite sure how to broach the subject. Mai busied herself with the food and avoided the problem altogether, while Reito looked as if this was perfectly normal. As more of us sat down, though, it became harder not to say something. Perhaps I should…

"Aren't you going to sit down, Mikoto-chan?" Okasama asked pleasantly.

Without any hesitation. I still have a long way to go.

"That could be dangerous," Mikoto said briefly.

"It's fine, Mikoto," Reito said easily. "You can sit down for now."

"Okay." Mikoto stuck her parasol into the ground with one hand, then jumped over the blanket, landing deftly next to her brother. "I'll keep watching, though."

Shiho snorted. "Just calm down and eat, already. I worked hard on that, so you should appreciate it."

"Shiho made food?" Mikoto asked curiously.

"Yes, I did. Well, some of it, anyway."

"Hmm." Mikoto leaned closer, staring at the other girl's face. "That's pretty amazing. I like people who can make food!"

"It's not a big deal or anything," Shiho muttered, looking away.

"Seriously," Natsuki suggested. "I did some, too, but not really. Just think of it as Mai's food."

"That's not true," Mai said reproachfully. "You all worked hard."

"With mixed results," Natsuki added casually. "You don't need to flatter me or anything."

"Speak for yourself, I don't mind being flattered," Tate said. "That stuff wasn't easy."

"The experience certainly seems to have traumatised you," Reito teased.

"I'm sure we'd like to hear all about it," I added, smiling pleasantly. "It would add colour to the whole experience."

"As if we'd let you," Natsuki warned. "This is going to be classified information, forever."

"My, now I'm really interested…"

"Please have no expectations," Shiho said, in her best tired look.

"Well, we can always ask the cook later," Reito said thoughtfully. "There's no need to make much of a fuss now. Truth will out, as it were."

"Of course," I said pleasantly.

"Honestly, do we have to talk about this?" Natsuki asked irritably.

"Hmm. Tangentially, Shizuru, did I ever tell you about my experiments with cooking?" Okasama asked politely.

"Not that I recall," I replied, smiling. "But that sounds interesting, even though I think I can guess the outcome…"

"It was long before you were born, when for various reasons circumstances befitted that. Partly because she wasn't sure what a housewife should do." Saaya smiled. "But after a few weeks, she left everything to me, of course."

"That's not fair," Okasama protested. "We all agreed that was best, after all."

"Quite. That was the admission I was trying to avoid, actually…"

"Those were certainly interesting days," Otousama said philosophically. "But that's all rather besides the point. Instead of talking of food, shall we just eat, instead?"

"I was waiting for someone to say that," Mai said. "In any case, we've got plenty, so eat up."

I looked at the food arrayed before us, both traditional and western. Appropriate enough for my family. Plus there were, apparently, mayonnaise sandwiches. I carefully said nothing about that, going for something safer-looking. "Well, to dwell on this one more time, you've all worked hard, haven't you? Thank you."

"This is nothing," Mai said sincerely.

"Seriously, it isn't," Natsuki said briefly, grabbing one of her own special sandwiches and taking a satisfied bite.

"Hmm. It's been a while, hasn't it?" Reito remarked, looking up at the sky. "Does anyone else remember the last time?"

"I remember, I remember!" Mikoto said through a mouthful of something. She swallowed. "There was a lot of food, and everyone else too!"

"In order of priority," Natsuki quipped quietly. I tried not to smile.

"That really was a while ago, wasn't it?" Mai asked.

"There were a lot more people there, though. Wasn't Suzushiro-san there as well?" I asked innocently.

"I take it you mean that one," Otousama said with distaste.

"There was only one Suzushiro at my school, remember?" I said.

"Ha. One too many," he added with characteristic bluntness.

"You know our Haruka Suzushiro?" Reito asked curiously. It's good to see that he doesn't know everything about me.

"Somewhat. The family are friends of our family," Otousama said, making that sound like a euphemism for lice.

"Now, dear, Suzushiro-chan is a perfectly decent, upstanding girl," Okasama said reproachfully. "You shouldn't bring her into your little feud."

"It's not a feud. Nothing so dramatic," Otousama said dismissively. "In any case, I was just curious. That's all."

Something tapped me on the leg. When I looked down, I saw Natsuki, who was already lying down outright. "Pass me another sandwich?"

I chuckled. "You've made yourself comfortable."

"I quite liked Suzushiro-san, myself," Reito said pleasantly. "She was a very able subordinate, wouldn't you say, Shizuru-san?"

"Hmm?" I blinked, looking up. "I suppose so, yes. She went too far from time to time, but she was, at the very least, energetic."

"There you go again," Mai said. "You three should just play nice, already. It's all a bit silly really, isn't it?"

"We're not intending to be nasty," I said easily. "If I come across that way, though, I apologise."

"This just sounds like human resources work," Otousama said.

Haruka is someone I remember occasionally. To be frank, I'd have preferred to fight her rather than Yukino. But she was never honest with herself, either, so I'm not sure whether the outcome would have been any different. I still wouldn't have the excuse of genuine self-defence.

"So you weren't lying about the family thing," Natsuki mused from her prone position. "Well, I believed you anyway. Rich people form a hive mind, everyone knows that."

"Of course," I said amicably, passing her a sandwich. "Here."

"Thanks." Natsuki took it. "Well, I don't disagree. Anyone who ever missed lessons wouldn't, of course… and before you say it, whether I deserved it or not doesn't matter at all."

"Well, I can't speak for Shizuru-san, but personally, I'm recalling her rather nostalgically," Reito remarked. "Her presence always made life more interesting for everyone. I had a soft spot for Yukino-san, as well."

"Well, she was pretty cute," Tate said wryly. "If you like glasses."

"I'm not sure what you mean, but I suspect that wasn't my sense," Reito said, waving a hand. "She has the sense of being someone who should be protected… or would be like that, if it wasn't for Haruka."

"Hmm. Yukino. I remember," Okasama said decisively. "The very mousy girl, right?"

"That's probably the one, yes," Reito remarked.

"I've met her once or twice. A charming, polite girl, and quite the foil for Suzushiro-chan. So they're still friends?" Okasama smiled. "It's good when people can stay together over the years, though new friends are fine too."

"Yep. What are those two doing, anyway?" Mai asked thoughtfully. "I haven't heard in a while…"

"I'm not sure," Reito said. "Perhaps spending time at Suzushiro-san's house?"

"Ara, Ara. Those two do remind me of our two, after all. Don't you think, Saaya?"

"I was thinking much the same," Saaya quipped, leaning on her hand and glancing at me. "It's a little worrying, our families have too many parallels as it is."

Natsuki sighed. "Another sandwich, please? I'm not listening, by the way."

"Not a bad approach to take, perhaps," I said.

"Yep. You should try it, too." She grinned at me. "This is pretty comfortable."

"Hmm," I said, mock thoughtful. "But if I do that too, who brings you sandwiches?"

"It would be good if they were here, too, though," Mikoto said. "Haruka loves playing tag! And Takumi and Akira, too! And Akane and Chie and Aoi and Nao and-"

Reito coughed. "I don't think we have enough room."

"We do. I counted." Mikoto grinned. "I'm not asking, though. That would be rude, right?"

"Mikoto, do you want some sushi?" Mai asked. "I made some of your favourite."

"Really?" she asked, head shooting round.

"Yep. Here. Eat up."

"She gets all that to herself?" Tate complained. "I'm not so lucky…"

"Oh, stop whining. If you were worried, you should have made yourself something nice."

"I can't, though! I'm not exactly hiding that fact!"

"Do you want some, Shiho?" Mikoto asked. "I'll share it with you."

"Me too," Reito said, stealing a piece from the box. He glanced at me, looking amused.

"Come on," Natsuki suggested. "What's wrong? Afraid you're going to offend someone?"

"Like I said, I'm more worried about the food," I replied.

"Just grab a bento and pull it over here, then."

"But that would be rude."

Natsuki snorted. "Really? But we have a precedent, at least." She pushed herself up, reaching for one of the boxes. "Well, whatever. Now you have no excuses, right?"

"This is going to stain my dress," I said.

"God forbid," Natsuki said, rolling her eyes. She fell back again herself, putting a hand behind her head. "Just try it."

I complied, somewhat less certainly. To be honest, it takes quite some composure to lie down or otherwise make yourself vulnerable around other people who aren't doing the same thing. But that's probably exactly the point Natsuki makes by doing this all the time. I'm not afraid of you… or something.

"So?" Natsuki asked, glancing sidelong at me.

"I suppose it's rather relaxing," I admitted. "Is that why you like doing this?"

"Not really. It just lets you look at a beautiful sky." Natsuki smirked, regarding me with lively green eyes. "How was that? Did it sound kinda cool?"

"Just a little," I replied, amused.

"Right? But it's kinda true, as well." Natsuki tilted her head, looking up at the sky again. "When was the last time you actually looked at the sky and the clouds? It's been a long time, for me."

"Hmm." I turned my head and looked up as well. "It's been some time. I'm more familiar with the stars, though."

"Stars don't move. Well, they do. But they're basically predictable." Natsuki frowned. "Clouds aren't, or if they are, it's so complex you might as well give up. Isn't that more interesting?"

"You're right." I paused for a moment. "Is it really okay, doing this right after eating?"

"Man, enough with the small stuff already."

I chuckled. "Ara. I'm just teasing Natsuki. Is she mad?"

"Not really," Natsuki replied. "She basically knows that there's worse to come, after all."

"Hmm. You may have a point." I looked up again. "But you aren't wrong, either. It's been a while, and it is beautiful."

"Ha. Now you go all mushy on me. Doesn't convention dictate we try and spot shapes at this point?"

"Isn't that a little vulgar?" I asked playfully.

"Not really. The clouds don't have feelings or anything." Natsuki narrowed her eyes slightly, shading them with her left hand. "Hmm. You see that one over there? It kinda looks like a ship."

"It looks more like a mass of smoke to me," I said playfully.

"Oh, don't be critical."

"And that one over there looks like Yasuhiro Nakasone riding a bike," I suggested. "He's being chased by those hippos over there."

"Somehow I don't think you're taking this very seriously," Natsuki noted dryly.

"What gives you that impression?" I asked innocently.

"I wonder." Natsuki leaned over, taking a piece of egg from the bento. I turned reflexively, watching her lips close around it. My heart skipped as she glanced at me. "Are you hungry?"

"Not really," I replied without thinking.

Natsuki looked at me for a moment. "Well, it's here if you want it," she said finally.

"Maybe just a little," I said, reaching out and taking a piece of egg. I ate it slowly.

"Either way, this is a nice change of pace, if nothing else," Natsuki said. "Don't you think?"

I met her gaze for a moment, then turned away, looking up again. "This is a little dangerous, isn't it?" I asked quietly.

"Dangerous? I doubt it. We don't have too many outright enemies, most likely, so it should be fine."

"That's not what I meant," I said gently.

"Oh. Oh." I watched her out of the corner of my eye, and her eyes met mine momentarily before she looked away. Mutual schoolgirl-caught-staring, and rather embarrassing. "Not really. It's probably okay."

"I hope so," I replied, unconvinced. But I really didn't feel like arguing.

"This is normal, really," Natsuki suggested.

"Not for me," I murmured, almost to myself.

"Idiot," Natsuki said weakly. "Aren't you the one worried about this? So don't say things…"

"It's a suspicious conversation," I mused. "How counter-productive."

"Right. Let's talk about something else."

"Who would you have here?" I asked. "If you could have other people here as well?"

"Hey, unfair question. I don't know many people very well." Natsuki closed her eyes. "Actually, I feel real stupid for saying this… but I'm going with Midori. I mean, she was an idiot, but she made things more exciting. Even I have to concede that."

I smiled at that. "That's rather like you."

"What?" Natsuki demanded hotly. "You got a problem with that?"

"Not really. But I'm wondering whether that's what you really think of her, that's all." I smiled. "Natsuki always rationalises things, and she doesn't like admitting that she likes people. So, I'm curious. I don't know her very well."

"That's another reason," Natsuki said, ignoring the first part. "She doesn't know you very well. But I think you'd like each other, rather more than she likes me. At least, it'd be a pretty funny mix of personalities."

"There's always that," I admitted wryly.

"Hey, wait. I still have those DVDs, don't I?"

"DVDs?" I asked, puzzled.

"Oh, nothing," Natsuki said. "It's not important." She reached over, this time taking a pickle. "How about you? Who would you like to be here?"

"Hmm." I frowned. "Maybe Haruka, after all."

"Haruka? I thought you didn't like her?"

"I don't hate her, though it's not exactly pleasant to be around her any more," I said loosely. "But I wasn't thinking of that. Rather, Reito. They'd make an amusing couple, and I owe him the attempt, at least."

"But isn't Yukino… you know?"

"Well, knowing Reito's past, he'll only help things along," I said, frowning. "Either way, it would be interesting. But, just a dream, at the end of the day."

"I guess so."

"In that case, though, I probably shouldn't do anything. I don't really have the right."

"Honestly, you talk about this stuff too much," Natsuki said. "Isn't fine to think about happier things right now?"

"Perhaps," I said. "But I have a reputation as a gloomy person to consider, now don't I?"

"And if you can say things like that, you really shouldn't worry at all," Natsuki said, taking another piece of egg. "You're basically shameless, right? That suits me just fine."

"I resent that accusation," I said wryly, meeting her eyes. "But not the good part of it."

Natsuki grinned. "Hungry?"

"A little," I admitted.

"Are you sleeping?"

I sprang about halfway up by reflex, almost banging heads with Mikoto leaning over me. She took several deft steps back, straightening slightly. "Kaichou wasn't asleep. Or did I wake her?"

"Mikoto, that's rude!" Mai said.

"But forgivable," Otousama regarded dryly, looking down at me. "You're taking a risk Kuga isn't, Shizuru."

"Sorry about that," I murmured, sitting up and putting my hands on my knees. Oh. Skirt. "You rather surprised me, that's all."

"Sorry. I was just curious," Mikoto said, returning to her place. "Do you want to play tag with us later?"

I glanced suspiciously at Reito, but he was looking as innocent as ever. "Well, I suppose so. I doubt I'll be very good, though."

Natsuki sat up, sighing. "We were looking at the clouds, Mikoto. Now you've interrupted us."

"Looking at the clouds?" Mikoto looked up. "Ooh. I see…"

"Who says modern youth are hard to please?" Otousama asked rhetorically.

Not bad, coming from Natsuki. I resisted the urge to look at Saaya. "But if that's the case, I suppose I'd better hurry up and eat some more."

"There's no rush," Shiho said. "She'll be looking up for half an hour now."

"This is also sentry duty," Mikoto said ambiguously, craning her neck.

"Don't stare at the sun, Mikoto," Mai warned.

"Did you spot any interesting-looking clouds?" Reito asked mischievously.

"One of them looked like a hippo," I said seriously.

Conveniently, Otou-sama's phone rang at that point. He stood and walked away, taking it out and answering. "Yes?"

"Honestly, at your age, Shizuru," Okasama said. "That's rather cute."

"And Natsuki, too," Mai said. "That's definitely a memory."

"Shut up," Natsuki said defensively.

"By the way, Saaya, are there any interesting clouds around?" Okasama asked.

Saaya sighed, smiling. "I was worried it would come to that. Give me a moment… but clouds are complicated."

"Don't feel obliged."

"Looking at clouds?" Shiho asked. "Just how old are you people, anyway?"

"Don't sound too offended. It'll make us feel a little silly when we're playing tag, after all," Reito said.

"That's different," Shiho said unconvincingly. "That's just to be social. It's an adult response."

"Yes, yes."

"Cloud watching, though," Tate said rhetorically. He sat back, putting his hand over Mai's. "I can see the attraction of that."

"You're just a big child too," Mai said, amusedly.

But she didn't take her hand away, either. It looks like my clumsy assistant has finally developed some smoother aspects.

I instinctively looked at Shiho out of the corner of my eye, but she'd turned her head away. "Hey, at least eat while looking at the sky," she said, tugging Mikoto's sleeve. "You want to play afterwards, right?"

"Hmm. Okay."

"I'm not going to wait around all day, you know…"

More surprising was the fact that Natsuki was staring. I nudged her. "But I'm sorry if I sounded rude earlier. It looks like looking at clouds has general approval, after all."

"Hmm?" Natsuki focused her gaze on me. "Well, I'm not sure whether to feel proud or stupid, frankly."

"Feel proud," I suggested. "It's better than the rest of us feeling stupid, right?"

Otousama returned, sitting down again.

"Anything wrong, dear?" Okasama asked.

"Not particularly," Otousama said concisely. "Something came up, but a few directions fixed things."

"If you say so, then."

"What do you want to do now?" Natsuki asked, after swallowing a quick mouthful of rice.

"Best to eat, I suppose," I said. "Then, apparently, we play tag. You're playing too, by the way."

"I refuse. This is a public park, you know."

"Scared you'd lose?" I teased.

"Of course," Natsuki replied. "I'm terrified." Just a little sarcastically.

"Well, considering you suggested the cloud thing, this is only fair," I pointed out, "I went along with you on that, didn't I?"

"In the loosest sense of the word, yes," Natsuki said. "But that hardly counts. Besides, my leg is wounded, isn't it? I even have an excuse."

"Oh. You're right, of course." I frowned. "In that case, there's no choice, after all."

"Tch. I'll see how I feel." Natsuki rubbed her thigh. "To be honest, it's almost healed."

"That wound?" I asked, puzzled.

Natsuki nodded. "I was wondering about this, after your illness, but… it's probably that aspect we have in common."

"It's hard to be grateful after everything, but that's rather convenient," I said quietly.

"To be honest, I probably should have done more before," Natsuki replied, looking away. "In terms of seeing how things stand, it's important knowledge. But it always felt a little morbid to probe."

"It can't be helped," I said. "But that doesn't mean you should take any unnecessary risks, either. With this leg or at any other time."

Natsuki smirked. "You know me too well. Don't worry, though. I'm not inclined to take any big risks any more. I have more to come back to, right?"

I nodded. "That's good."

"And you as well. If you do anything like last time again, I won't forgive you for endangering yourself," Natsuki said strictly.

"That's fine, but I'm only playing tag," I said innocently. "It's really not very dangerous, Natsuki."

Natsuki chuckled. "Alright, alright. But don't take it lightly, either. You might fall over and graze your knee. It's a real risk."

"I'll bear that in mind…" I leaned back slightly, looking around. "But touching on another note, this is a little different."

"Yes?" Natsuki asked patiently.

"From the last time we did this," I said. "You know, that time, I did my best to smile. But, still, I couldn't enjoy that at all."

"I don't think many people did, but what would you expect?" Natsuki asked.

I nodded slightly. "Of curse. That's why, it's strange, because though the past hasn't changed, I'm… well, happy, this time. I suppose. Is that really okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

I caught her gaze and smiled. "You're right, of course. Never mind."

Is this really real? Should it really be allowed? Those are questions that occur to me. Natsuki and I, everyone and I together, even though they all know what I did and who I am. Well, putting my parents aside. It's strange, and it doesn't really make sense. Some of them are closer to me, and Mai in particular is more innocent than Natsuki. Even so, this seems fine. I might be naïve. But also, it might be their prerogative, after all. Whether this is forgiveness or not, they can choose how to treat me. I'm not allowed to complain, and right now, I don't have any reason to do so. So all I have is this guilt, but it's more remote.

Whenever I'm with Natsuki, it's further away now. The opposite of how things were before. That's also important.

And in the end, we ate and talked, then we played tag until we were all out of breath. Natsuki and I had to form a tag team for the express purpose of catching Mikoto, who kept using acrobatic dodges and even scissored Tate's legs out from under him in one memorable incident. We even managed to catch her, thought not before she got dangerously close to Okasama, and more importantly Otousama's revenge for his eye through a spare parasol he snatched up and held like a sword. Luckily for everyone concerned she managed to adjust her course before anything unfortunate occurred. And after that, we played other games as well, and somehow we managed in the heat of the moment to forget how old we were and how unfashionable this must have looked. That's probably due to Mikoto. Her vibrant energy is a force in itself. And her remarkably competitive streak made her the person everyone wanted to beat, too. That's also important.

I didn't too badly myself. It's been a while since I could think positively about my physical skills, such as they are. But there are worse ways for a swordswoman to spend her time than hide and seek.

And in the end, we all came back completely exhausted and talked of various things. Surprisingly, we did have more than that one thing in common, after all. And, rather than being someone who was just watching, I was with everyone this time. Part of things. And I was with Natsuki as well, of course. That's also important.

So I was happy then.


	54. Chapter 54

**Windows of the Soul: Part Fifty-Four**

It's 4:01 in the morning, so a few things aren't done and my work's usual characteristics are probably amplified in strange ways. I suspect I owe some people some apologies, though.

* * *

In general, my life's changed by quite a bit. To say the least, right? It's very strange to think about, really. We've come a long way, haven't we, Shizuru?

What would things have been like if we weren't Hime? I'm not grateful as such, but this group was brought together by that and that alone. Or would things have turned out this way anyway? Everything?

I don't know.

But now is now, right? There's no point in worrying about strange things like that, after all. And it's a strange time to think about things, when being here is more fun than it's been in a long time.

"Thinking?" Shizuru asked sweetly, smiling at me.

"A little," I murmured, staring out the window.

"Ara. Is this what you meant when you said you didn't like being a passenger?"

"Not really," I said, glancing at her. "You have a good memory, don't you?"

"Well, it feels like it was only yesterday," Shizuru replied. "Isn't that strange?"

"Honestly," I said reproachfully. "But putting that aside, do you know what I was thinking about?"

"I'm afraid not," Shizuru conceded gracefully. "I'm not someone who can read minds, after all. But I try harder."

When I looked beyond her, Saaya was looking out of the window. Probably smirking. But never mind. "Are you interested?"

"Somewhat. You were wearing a very serious expression," Shizuru said solemnly. "As if you were thinking about something important, such as the significance of varying international traffic conventions."

I smirked. She was evidently still in a good mood. "I'm afraid not. But it's just thinking about our group… do you think we'd still be like this, without what we did back at school?"

"The special activity?" Shizuru asked delicately. "Hmm. I'm not sure… things would certainly have been very different."

Was that tactless? I waved a hand airily. "But, even so, we still knew each other right? For a long time."

"You had a vested interest," Shizuru said quietly, glancing at me.

I hesitated for a moment. "Oh, yeah."

"Personally, I think the cooking test was a key moment, myself," Shizuru said brightly. "United by adversity and mutual failure, certainly something that established a life-time of bonds."

"Somehow I doubt that," I said. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"Now, Natsuki, those circumstances were beyond your control. Don't be hard on yourself."

I smiled. "I love how you say that as if you weren't involved."

"I wasn't, really," Shizuru said. "Or would it be fair to say I had a leadership role with oversight on the project?"

"Sounds like your student council tenure." I wasn't sure why Saaya and Viola weren't saying anything. Perhaps they just wanted to give us time to talk.

"Well, the comparison is apt."

"But it's not like I just wanted to be friends with an Iincho," I said. "You were memorable enough in your own right."

"Hmm. I suppose so," Shizuru mused. "I did try my best."

I looked out of the window again. "Honestly, I told you this before. So don't get all soft and defensive."

"Hmm. You're right, of course," Shizuru said. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologise, either," I said in a low voice. "It's not like it's a big deal."

Shizuru chuckled. "Yes, yes."

"In any case," I said, glancing at her and grasping for a change of subject. "You… weren't wrong about the dress, were you?"

"Ah. That's correct," Shizuru mused, pinching the grass-stained material. "It's too bad, but I suppose it can't be helped. Naturally, you didn't exactly escape unscathed yourself."

"Like you said, it happens," I said dismissively. "You're the one who is sensitive about it."

"Well, I'm not the one who has to deal with it," Shizuru said. "All the same, I suppose you're right. Of course, you then raised it, right?"

"Just as a talking point," I said. "Don't read too much into it."

"Some people did worse, though. Mikoto-chan was very dynamic, however I see it. It's rather impressive."

"I warned you," I said, raising my hands. "But at least she had fun, though she's always been easy to please."

"Hmm. Quite." Shizuru smiled. "You know, surprisingly enough, I also had fun. Though it's embarrassing to say that at my age."

I met her gaze, smiling back. "Me too, I guess. But mostly because watching Shiho chase after you is hilarious."

"You shouldn't say things like that," Shizuru remarked, sounding completely unaffected. "Besides, she became rather involved, despite herself. She's not a slow girl."

"In some ways, perhaps," I quipped.

"Besides that, did you notice? She didn't bring any manga this time," Shizuru noted.

"Hmm. I guess she thought that would be too rude, even for her," I said.

"I wonder," Shizuru remarked ambiguously. "She's never let that stop her before. But never mind."

"I still find it weird that she's friends with Mikoto," I said, leaning back. "I mean, she'd befriend a rock for lack of anything else to do, but Shiho isn't social. Either way, it somehow works out."

"Perhaps, but unusual friendships are the norm with us, don't you think?" Shizuru said. "Aren't we also a little strange?"

"Not really," I said, unduly defensively. "Besides, you and Reito is stranger."

"You and Mai," Shizuru shot back.

"You and Shiho." I suggested.

"You and Mikoto…"

"Hmm." I frowned. "You and Haruka?"

"I don't think that counts," Shizuru said.

"Probably not," I admitted, sighing. "But you and Reito should count for two. That's really crazy. I mean, wasn't he going too far last time?"

"Hmm. Perhaps." Shizuru looked away. "Somehow, I don't hold it against him. I see a lot of myself in him, as I do in a different way with you. Perhaps I'm just projecting."

"I don't like the idea that something in me is in him," I protested. "However I figure. You're different to him, too."

"It's just my perception, of course," Shizuru said quietly. "Make of it what you will. All the same, don't hold anything against him. If I'm fooled, that's my own fault. And he has erratic good intentions, regardless of outcome. Quite like me, perhaps, after all."

"Are you sure you aren't being too generous?" I asked quietly.

"It's appropriate behaviour," Shizuru said. She blinked forcibly. "Besides, he's a very entertaining person. That's it's own reward, and we know each other quite well."

"That's certainly true," I said. I remembered what she'd probably just remembered, too. I'm not used to them being silent, but they can still listen, right? But Shizuru talking about something gloomy is just a matter of probability over time. "Anyway, I'll admit he's cute with Mikoto."

"He does know how to treat her," Shizuru agreed. "It's an admirable characteristic. Wouldn't you agree, Ka-sama?"

"Hmm?" Viola said vaguely. "Ah, the Minagi? You're right. They have rather different personalities, though."

"To say the least," I remarked.

There's no way I can believe that tone without seeing her face.

"That may be why he has such a perception, though," Shizuru said. "I don't know her very well, but Mikoto-chan appears to be more intuitive than intellectual in her understanding of other people."

"In her understanding of the world," I corrected. "Well, it suits her."

"So it does," Shizuru agreed. "She's a very charming girl." She paused for a moment, frowning. "And are you thinking of anything, Ka-sama? Or are you tired?"

"I'm a little tired," Viola agreed. "Though it was a very enjoyable trip, of course. I wish I had such chances more often."

"We should arrange another trip, then," Shizuru suggested.

"I'd like that. But I'll leave it up to you, and if I'm an imposition, you should leave me."

"I'll bear that in mind, but I don't think anybody thought that," Shizuru said, quietly but firmly.

I looked between them thoughtfully, wondering how this was going to turn out.

"I think Viola's being a little dishonest, as well, though," Saaya suggested quietly. "Are you worried about affairs at home?"

"A little," Viola admitted sheepishly. "And Shinri can't easily avoid work, either. It was a little selfish of me, this whole venture, even though I enjoyed it…"

"If you enjoyed it, then that's fine," I said firmly. "Anything else is just silly, and Shizuru does it way too much. You shouldn't encourage her."

"Do you think so?" Viola laughed softly. "Well, I'll accept your kind words. Perhaps I am worrying too much, after all."

Do they all do this, I wonder? They get far too worried about these things; after all, it's just a little ridiculous at times. I glanced thoughtfully at Shizuru, wondering whether she was agreeing with me. It might be a decent lesson, if it's someone else doing it.

"I think things went well," Shizuru said quietly. "Though perhaps Otou-sama went too far in that one instance."

Viola laughed again. "Perhaps, but it was sweet of him." She paused for a moment. "It's rather difficult for me to feel comfortable dressed like, though. This is never as easy as I want it to be, so to speak."

"You did well, so don't worry about that either," Saaya said quietly.

"Ah. Thank you."

To my surprise, Viola actually turned her head to face us for a moment. That would be more useful if she wasn't basically blind, right?

"You two are fine, aren't you?" Viola asked.

"Huh. I'm good." I blinked. "I always am, right, Shizuru?"

"I'm also well," Shizuru said, gazing at her mother rather more thoughtfully.

"That's good. I shouldn't forget that you are brave girls." Viola's gaze lingered.

"We're almost there," Saaya pointed. "Personally, I wouldn't mind a rest."

"That's a good idea," Viola agreed, turning to regard the other woman. "We can meet again at dinner, right?"

"Of course," Shizuru said.

What exactly do you call it, anyway, when a strange person acts strangely? Is it okay to say that's weird, or is it normal?

Best not to over-think things?

When we got out, though, Shinri was waiting pointedly. He spoke when everyone was out. "Speaking frankly, but something came up while we were at the park. We'll be taking care of it, so I'd appreciate it if you stayed in the bedrooms until we say otherwise."

"Glad to see you're still well-mannered," I said audibly. But to my surprise, he ignored me.

"What's going on, Tou-sama?" Shizuru said bluntly.

"An important matter of business," Shinri said with infuriating vagueness. "I'll speak of it later, but in the meantime it's best if I dealt with this without any further delay or disturbance."

"Don't worry. We'll let you do just that," Mai said firmly. "It's the least we can do. Right, everyone?"

"I'm fine with anything," Tate said bluntly. "I need a lie-down anyway, you know."

"Of course," Reito said. "We can appreciate your need for some discretion, and won't interfere in this. Right, Mikoto?"

Mikoto frowned. "Okay. But if you need help, we'll help, too."

"That won't be necessary," Shinri said shortly. He turned to face his wife, who was under a parasol again. "Shall we?"

Viola nodded. "Can you, Saaya?"

So is this what she was jumpy about? I don't get it. But it's probably something complex and boring and Fujino anyway.

"Don't worry. I'll catch up later." Saaya nodded as the two walked off, before turning to look at us again. "And so you have it. I'm very sorry about this, everyone. But it's an unavoidable situation."

"Don't worry, don't worry," Mai said firmly. "We're fine with it."

"Though I'll admit, this is a little sudden," Reito said, putting a hand on his hip. "It must be a rather worrying situation."

"Less than you'd think. Speaking frankly, but Shinri was told about this earlier, and told Viola and I after a time. It could safely be deferred until now, at least." Saaya brought her hands together. "More importantly, you can all rest in your rooms. Frankly, I don't think that's a bad idea right now regardless of the other circumstances."

"If you say so," Shizuru said, sounding dubious. "Though I'm also sure we all know the way by now."

"Of course. I take that for granted, myself, but I think Viola is a little worried." Saaya shrugged. "That's why I'm apologising, as well. Whenever we have to treat guests like this, it makes us very uncomfortable." She raised a hand. "But let's forestall another round of your much-appreciated reassurances by going in."

I started to walk, stretching my arms behind my head and frowning. "This is pretty unusual, isn't it? Or is normal in your house, from time to time?"

"It's not particularly normal," Shizuru replied quietly. "Or, rather, it's strange that we should have to confine ourselves."

"I have some crazy timing," I murmured, looking up at the sky. "Or else this house is just crazy, because my time here has been one damn thing after another." I blinked. "Well, it's not like I didn't enjoy some of them…"

Shizuru smiled in a token way, nodding. "We've been very busy. But, if you'll give me a second." She sped up, speaking quietly to Saaya.

"Does Shizuru-san know what's going on?" Mai asked quietly.

I frowned. "Apparently not, or not yet…"

"Well, it's got nothing to do with us, I suppose," Mai said. "I just hope it isn't anything to worry about."

"They were worried, though," Mikoto said quietly. "They were definitely worried."

"It's fine, isn't it?" Shiho said patiently. "They'll just deal with it and it'll be fine, right?"

"But-" Mikoto began.

"Don't forget," Reito said, raising a finger. "The Fujino are strong."

"Hmm," Mikoto replied, sounding a little happier.

Shizuru dropped back slightly as Saaya turned around. "Like I said," she remarked, "there's no need for any of you to worry about us. I already know that resolving the situation will be straight-forwards. It'll simply take time. In the meantime, I can only apologise again for the inconvenience."

"We just have to stay in our rooms, right?" Mai asked.

"Yep. Though you don't all have to be in separate rooms, you know," Saaya said, holding the door open. "Just any bedroom is fine. Spend the time as you please beyond that."

"Okay," Mai said. "But if there's anything we can do to help, just tell us."

"Actually, there is," Saaya said firmly.

"Really?"

"Have fun, insofar as it's possible in this situation," Saaya said, smiling. "Viola wouldn't want you to be bored or miserable on her account."

Reito laughed. "We'll see what we can do."

"So, what's up?" I asked Shizuru, as we walked towards our rooms.

"I don't know," Shizuru said. She looked distracted. "Saaya didn't specify. And it's especially strange, because normally nothing is kept from me, at least. I don't like it."

"Really?" I shrugged, trying to sound reassuring. "Well, if it's those two, then it's going to turn out fine anyway. And it's probably best just to bear what Viola wants in mind, right?"

"Family is different, though," Shizuru remarked. "We're supposed to struggle together."

I frowned. "Well, it's not like you've clung to that all the time either," I said softly.

"You're right, of course," Shizuru admitted, sounding unhappy.

"Where shall we go?" Mai asked, when we arrived. "Everyone in my room? We should probably stick together if we want to have fun."

"I'm a little tired," Shizuru said, glancing back. "If it won't trouble everyone too much, I might retire to my own room."

"Really?" Mai frowned, nodding slightly. "If that's what you think best…"

I folded my arms. "Well, I'm going with you, anyway."

"You don't need to feel obliged to do that," Shizuru said, looking weakly at me. "I only intend to rest, after all."

"Then I'll make sure you rest," I said firmly. "Because you're not always reliable about that. It's fine, isn't it? I can always go back to my own room, afterwards."

Shizuru frowned. "Well, if you're sure."

"And I'm not doing it because I feel obliged, either," I added. "I always do things because I want to do them, remember? Don't go forgetting that."

"I think you're opinion's been vetoed, Shizuru," Saaya remarked conversationally. "Well, it's probably okay, right?"

"Of course," Shizuru replied, sounding restrained.

That was, in a strange way, a blow. It sounded like she actually didn't want me to be there. But I've already chased her here under more painful circumstances, right?

Yes, but I wasn't her girlfriend then.

"Then I'll leave you all to look after yourselves," Saaya said politely. "I'd better go and rejoin Shinri and Viola. They'll probably be expecting me."

"See you later," Mai said, waving.

The rest of us approximated something like that, and then we split ourselves.

"Don't worry," Shizuru advised, looking at the others. "This matter will be connected to us alone. And if it's my parents, then they'll certainly and firmly resolve the situation."

"That might be a little more convincing if you didn't look so worried yourself," Reito advised, looking vaguely amused.

"It's not the outcome I'm worried about," Shizuru said. "In any case, that's also a private matter."

Mai nodded. "Okay. See you both later, I guess." She looked meaningfully at me, though I've no idea just what she actually meant. But I'm sure it was important for her.

"See you," I advised, sticking my hands in my pockets. I nodded as they headed for Mai's room, then turned with Shizuru and headed up the corridor.

Shiho's gaze met mine for a few strange moments before she disappeared into Mai's room. The last.

"It must be pretty crowded in there," I said, following after Shizuru.

"Right," Shizuru agreed quietly. "I hope they'll be okay."

"They've all dealt with a whole lot of worse things, right?" I reminded her. "Some non-specified financial problem isn't going to chase them under the futons in fear."

Shizuru laughed sourly. "Of course. I'm just worrying too much."

"Yeah, just a bit," I said, following her. "So, what's up?"

"Nothing much," Shizuru replied unconvincingly. She stepped into her own room. "It's just natural, really. As family, I have more reason to be worried."

"Well, I'm worried too," I said. "But only a little. Like you said, if it's them…"

"And like I said this isn't really about the actual outcome," Shizuru said awkwardly. She unfolded her futon and sat on it, gripping her knees.

"So, what is it about?" I asked, sitting on one of the cushions.

A lot of different people had sat here by her side. It's an interesting thought, but I don't mind being one of them.

"It's just… strange. From time to time, things come up. That's inevitable when you have many business interests. But, my parents have never hidden that from me." Shizuru shook her head. "No, rather, from the moment I could understand these things at all Otousama and Okasama have made me watch and remember these moments."

"I guess they're thinking about us," I suggested. "If you disappeared along with your parents, that might make everyone really uneasy."

"Perhaps. But Saaya won't tell me anything either." Shizuru shrugged slightly, glancing at me. "Natsuki must think I'm a little silly, getting worried about being treated the same as everyone else."

"No, it's fine," I replied firmly. "It's normal for you to worry right now, especially if you don't know exactly what's going on."

Shizuru nodded. "Perhaps. But, still. I don't like it." Her left hand moved downwards, tracing the line of her leg. "Like I said, they always told me. It was always, always an important lesson for me to learn. This time, though, things are different."

"So they don't want to worry you?" I said. "That sounds fine to me. Or, rather, isn't it weird to involve you in the first place?"

Shizuru shook her head. "One day, I will take care of all of this myself. That's why."

"That logic again, huh?" I said aloud. What Viola said that one time sprang to mind. Is this duty?

"Well, quite." Shizuru glanced at me. "Is that strange?"

"It's something you passionately believe, isn't it?" I asked. "If so, I can understand that."

Shizuru nodded.

"But, well, if this is all about protecting people, then they're just protecting you," I said. "I don't really get it."

Shizuru frowned. "Protecting someone also means making sure they can't protect themselves. That's also important… so if I'm just someone who's protected all the time, then I'm no longer capable of that." She smiled. "Or so it could, go right? We use some pretty strange logic." There was a dangerous strain in her voice, and I didn't like it at all.

"No one said anything about that," I said patiently.

"Even so, if you think about it," Shizuru bit her lip, then started again. "If this is being done differently from before, then something must have changed. And speaking in terms of that kind of idea, this might be so difficult a situation that I can't be involved."

I frowned. "There's no way it could be that bad, right?"

"Right. There's no way," Shizuru said briefly. "If that's the case, Otou-sama wouldn't have stayed in the park."

I blinked. "So then it's fine-"

"That means that I've changed. Or how they see me has changed." Shizuru looked down at the floor. "Arguably, of course. If they consider me useless, or untrustworthy in some way… I've been keeping a lot from them…" She looked up abruptly, and stopped. "It's just an idea, of course. Really, I'm just thinking aloud." She forced a smile. "It keeps me busy until the actual situation is known, though, so-"

I stood, took a few steps forwards, then turned, sitting next to Shizuru. "I see. So that's what you're worried about."

"I'm just-"

I put a hand against the side of her head, pushing her against my shoulders. "Again with the complicated things. You're still worrying too much, after all."

Shizuru turned her head, staring at me.

I smirked, prodding her cheek with my free hand. "What? Don't be too surprised. If you want to, you can lean on me… though it feels a little awkward, when you're pretty much as tall as me."

"Actually, I'm a little taller," Shizuru reminded me quietly.

"You never let me say cool things," I complained.

Shizuru moved a little closer. "Is it okay, though?"

"It's okay," I assured her.

Shizuru grabbed my jacket with her right hand, steadying herself. She looked down at the floor again. "You know, this makes me feel a little pathetic."

I sighed. "You know, surprisingly, you have no sense of romantic timing at all…"

Shizuru hiccup-giggled. "Sorry, Natsuki."

Her hair rubbed against mine, falling down, and her head was pressed at an awkward angle against my shoulder. I hope I'm not hurting her by accident. Honestly, this all worked out better in my head…

"You know, that's really only part of it, though," Shizuru said quietly. She smiled weakly. "Just like before… do they know? Do they hate me? Whenever I think of that, I feel really sick. This is probably just the same thing in another way. My ugly, unreconstructed guilt."

"We can tell them, can't we?" I suggested quietly. "Whatever they say, I'll defend you. But you're also their daughter. There's no way they'd hate you just for this."

"I can't take a naïve world for granted," Shizuru murmured. "And more importantly… I'm being hard on you, as well. I enjoy things and you're so kind to me, but in the end I just break down and lean on you while talking about miserable things. Over and over, even though you want me to happy. I'm pretty pathetic, after all."

I closed my eyes. "That's fine. Like I said, you can lean on me whenever you like. I'm not so hypocritical that I only love you while you're happy."

"It must be hard for you, though," Shizuru said, her voice soft and close to my ear. "And I try hard, but it keeps ending up like this. Do I want to be miserable? Or, maybe I just want the attention from you…"

I smirked. "You just have to ask, you know."

Shizuru shook her head slightly. "No, it makes sense. And if that's the case, I'm just using you, after all."

"You can't use someone who enjoys it," I pointed out. "I want to protect you. Look, I came running to you so many times before, so it's not even you being indebted to me. I'm just paying off all those times."

"I know. That's the strange thing. I know." Shizuru sighed, pulling away slightly. "I'm really sorry for all of this. I just find reason after reason to upset myself and hurt myself. Or, rather, you'd probably say that I still hate myself."

My fingers tightened around her shoulder. "Shizuru…"

"You know, it's very dangerous to fall in love with someone like that," Shizuru chided quietly. "I'll probably only make you unhappy."

"Yeah," I said darkly. "That'd be good advice, if I was normal. But I'm not an ordinary person. I've chosen to do tough things before, and more importantly, I am going to protect you. You know, your parents would probably agree with that, right?"

"Maybe not in context," Shizuru said, with just a hint of her wry humour.

"I said I love you, and that's a promise. It's also what I want to do anyway." I glanced at her. "If I ran off just to save my own skin, I'd be the worst kind of person. So, until I can't do anything at all, I'll do everything."

"You're a really imprudent person," Shizuru said softly. "You know, I don't really want to say these things, because just you saying that made me happy."

"So don't say those things. Are you an idiot?" My fingers touched her long hair. "But I'm not prudent. I think I can deal with it, though. You making me miserable would also make you even sadder. I've got no choice, right?" I turned my head slightly, smiling at her. "I just have to be strong, no matter what."

Shizuru nodded slightly. "You know, you really are an idiot."

"Always have been," I said. "To be honest, my decisions tend to show more conviction than wisdom… so whether this is smart or not is moot." I looked away again. "It's an interesting way to live, though."

Shizuru giggled. "Just hearing you say that, also makes me feel better."

"Right. And if you want me to say it, ask," I suggested. "Beats calling me an idiot, right?"

"You know, I won't let this be forever," Shizuru said quietly. "One day, I'll definitely pull myself together. After that, I'll make it all up to you."

She's so warm. Her voice, her eyes, her body. I smiled. "If that's the case, do this as many times as you like. Owe me as much as you like, the interest is fine."

"That's surprisingly mercantile," Shizuru breathed, tilting her head closer still. "Not that I'm objecting…"

Actually, this is a little dangerous. In an interesting way.

"I'm learning from you," I said, rough but clear. "You know, I watch you a lot, after all. It figures-"

The door slid open. "Shizuru, Natsuki-" Saaya looked up and abruptly stopped short. "Please forgive me, I should have knocked."

I pulled away hurriedly, dropping my arm and flushing furiously. "Whatever. What do you want?"

"The two of you need to come," Saaya explained, looking back towards the door." It looks like there isn't any choice."

"What do you mean, we need to come?" I said roughly. "What the hell does this have to do with us?"

When I glanced sideways, Shizuru was resting her chin on her raised knees, burying her face in crossed arms and looking like she wanted to sink into the ground then and there. Shizuru blushing is downright alarming, and the whole thing made me angry. Damnit, but does she have to look so miserable?

"We were rather misleading," Saaya explained. "Insofar as from the beginning this primarily concerned the two of you."

"What are you actually saying? I'm really in the mood for more goddamn riddles!"

"The police." Shizuru hadn't looked up, and her voice was barely audible. "They're here again, right?"

Saaya nodded. "Exactly. Apparently, they have to see you… or shall I say you need some time to prepare? In fact, we should be able to leave it a day or two, so-"

"It's fine." Shizuru took a deep breath. "Whatever. Let's go."

I stood, offering her a hand. Shizuru ignored me, pushing herself up and looking at a fixed point on the floor.

"I won't mention anything to the others," Saaya said. "There's no need for that, after all."

"Is that really what Okasama's eyes should be saying?" Shizuru asked, her voice taunt and harsh.

Saaya shrugged. "What I want is what Viola wants, true… which isn't for you to be miserable. If you don't want me to say anything-"

"Let's go," Shizuru repeated. She pushed past me, stumbling blindly towards the door.

And shit, that hurt. That more than hurt. I was angry. How could I not have been angry after that?

But there wasn't anything to say, or anything to do, but to follow after.

Saaya sighed. "That's dangerously erratic of her…"

"Knock on fucking doors," I spat, walking after Shizuru.

"And what difference would that make?" Saaya shot after me.

Shit.

I know, already. Neither Shizuru nor her are wrong, optimism or anger aren't going to change any of that. This has to be settled, now or later, and if it was me that would just be now. But it's Shizuru's parents. Shizuru's decision. And it's Shizuru who's going to pull herself apart.

The problem is I'm tied to her now. And more than anything else, I don't want this to end before it's begun. I won't accept that, but I also don't know whether I'm even going to get a choice.

And do you know what? This day started so goddamn well.


	55. Chapter 55

**Windows of the Soul: Part Fifty-Five**

Once again, I'm writing a principly gloomy story, which makes me gloomy. On the plus side, the sooner this stuff happens the sooner a permanent resolution is obtained. Hopefully. The characters are being wilful again, after all.

* * *

Calm down. Breathe. Anger is untidy, and it's a measure of my fear. More importantly, I can't afford to think about such things in a moment like this. My parents will be there. I can't afford to let myself be remarkable, or they will remark on it. Regardless, then, do they already know or will they shortly know? Perhaps. It's a futile gesture. But, breathe. Don't think of that now.

In general, too, when you are talking to the police it's not wise to be fraught. I can't forget that. I can't afford to ignore such a thing, but rather I have to face it clearly. That's the greater danger, isn't it? My life is in the hands of my sin in the shadows, so I can't afford to slip up. Selfishly I want to live.

And for my pride. We aren't subject to our emotions. Our emotions are subject to our will. If that's the case then I certainly have to control myself and smile as I always smile. Anxiety and fear and shame, those things are unattractive emotions that I hold within myself, but never outwards. Love, too, was once something I held in and not out. If I associate myself with that, for better rather than for worse, then I should do so now.

And for Otousama watching me.

For my strange, small reasons, then, I need to control myself. When my feelings go far I must reign them back, and control my face and my words.

With Saaya, I said too much, and I have to apologise. Perhaps I could come to some explanation, and that would have been easier if I had not reacted so badly. Perhaps even now I can at least negotiate, somehow. I don't know. I don't want to think about it. Simply thinking and breathing and I recall all the agonised emotions of my chest, confused anger and frustration and fear and love and sadness and so much guilt, twisted up and around my neck.

And for Natsuki. Once again, my actions are so far distant from my mere good intentions that I despair of myself. But, breathe. I need to focus on other things now, and that can be solved later. Somehow. Perhaps.

For, something. Breathe. Simply keep walking, putting one foot in front of the other, and think of what is in front of you. I can do that. "Is it the same?" I asked briefly.

"The same?" Saaya asked quietly.

"The same people," I clarified. "As before."

"This time it's only one person, but he was there before," Saaya said precisely. "The younger man, Ikumu Jouon. This time without his associate."

"Is that unusual, or is this procedure?" I asked. "I'm not an expert."

"Neither am I. We're more used to dealing with expensive lawyers," Saaya said. "At a guess, there's no need to send anyone more important for this."

"That would make sense," I said briefly.

For the two of us, this is a retreat to a familiar normalcy. Saaya is herself, and I am a poor substitute for Okasama. But, at least, we're used to talking business.

"As you may have guessed, Shinri and Viola have done their best to resolve this situation without involving the two of you at all. Unfortunately, he is both eloquent and forceful. The matter in hand is the trial, in which the two of you will be witnesses." Saaya kept her voice steady. "Of course, as this is a matter of criminal law, we have very little control over the situation."

"I know," I said tensely. "But it would be a simple case, no?"

"So much so there's no need for you two to be involved," Saaya said dryly. "As we've been arguing without success."

"I see," I said coolly.

Natsuki walked a step behind us, accusing me with her silence. But I couldn't find anything to say to her, not in that moment.

Damnit. Why does this always have to happen? And why do I feel so trapped by everything?

I bit my lip. Saaya stepped deftly ahead of me, preparing to open the door. But before she did so, she turned and regarded me critically. "Remember, this and before are two different matters."

I glared, trying to restrain my temper. "Of course. Who do you think I am?"

Saaya nodded briefly then pushed the door open. "They're here."

"Welcome," Ikuru said, looking straight at me and narrowing his eyes. "I've been waiting. It's always interesting to see the two of you."

"Stay on purpose," Otousama said bluntly. "Or I'll throw you out."

"As you say," Ikuru returned.

"Bear it in mind."

I nodded briefly, feeling a sudden rush of… something. "Sorry to trouble you all on my account." The words were weaker than I would have liked.

"That signifies nothing," Otousama said dismissively. "We're doing what anyone would do."

I nodded briefly, sitting opposite Ikuru and turning my head to regard him. Natsuki sat next to me, her expression dark. "Can we help you?"

"You can," Ikuru said. He pushed a bundle of papers across the table. "Please sign in the appropriate places."

"And the significance of this?" I asked, playing for time. I flicked through the document, trying to follow the basic outline.

"Simply put, you're witnesses for the trial. A fairly ordinary procedure." Ikuru shrugged.

"That would be the case if this case wasn't already decided. There are dozens of other witnesses, and she has already confessed. It occurred in broad daylight, as well." Okasama frowned delicately. "As we've said before, there's no purpose or meaning in involving the two of you. Don't be mislead into thinking that."

"It has some bearing upon sentencing and clarification of the situation," Ikuru said briefly. "Of course, as you say, the role is light. Or in other words, it won't involve anything particularly difficult to begin with."

"This is a manifestly insensitive attitude," Okasama protested. "If it's of no significance, then it follows that there's nothing lost if they aren't subject to this. In the first instance, we don't have any inclination to agree."

"I'm inclined to agree with you on a personal level," Ikuru said with monumental insincerity. "Nonetheless, this is official procedure. It would be best if you were seen to co-operate in that respect."

"Are you threatening us?" Otousama asked. "We won't be. Sympathy will be with us in this instance."

"It's a statement rather than a threat. But this is certainly an exceptional case that has gained some attention in its own right. Now, more than ever, we have to press the importance of procedure home." Ikuru frowned. "I don't want to compel you."

I finished the superficial scan of the documents and took a deep breath. Somehow, this situation was calming me more than anything else was. I could divorce the quibbling, the back-and-forth, the technicalities of the paper in front of me, from the actual context. The one I was being called on to testify against had every right to claim the moral high ground. The ones defending me were my parents, and I still didn't want them to understand me. But all of that was lost in the haze of this talk. I can deal with this, at least, or perhaps simply understand. That's a bolder claim than any I'll advance for the other aspects of my life problems.

"As you've said without result before. If you had the power to essay a fait accompli, you would already have done so. It's a crude bluff." Otousama leaned back. "You've seen them, and now they understand. I suggest you take your leave while we ask for legal advice and clarify the situation ourselves. We should be able to answer within the week, one way or another."

"I'm afraid we don't have that kind of time, as I've stated before. The trial's timing-"

"Is ridiculous. Postpone it."

"That won't be possible. Under the circumstances, we want to resolve the situation as soon as possible," Ikuru said impatiently. "Two days time, in other words."

"We are the ones dictating what is and is not possible here," Otousama said firmly. "You still have given me no good reason for why they should be involved."

"The point of the matter, beyond what I've already outlined, rests on dissatisfaction with the current situation," Ikuru said. "Especially based on that bizarre confession. The personal circumstances of these two girls may, hopefully, have some bearing on the case."

When I looked up, he was looking straight at me, which wasn't a pleasant experience. He has very focused eyes.

"So, not only have you not done your job, but our family is being dragged into the mess caused by that incompetence," Otousama said curtly. "I won't mince words. You are investigation because she is our daughter. There's no other reason, though I won't speculate on your motives."

"One perspective is that, indeed. Rightly so." Ikuru drew back slightly. "Can this really be a coincidence, that these two were targeted? The perpetrator was most likely unstable, indeed, but she was also well trained. Very well trained. Can it really be called a coincidence, that Shizuru Fujino in particular was involved? That seems unlikely." He narrowed his eyes, continuing to look at me. "Or so one perspective on this matter goes."

I focused intently on the words in front of me, and tried to block out his own. I can't allow free reign to my paranoia.

"Unless standards have been rather compromised of late, baseless speculation has no place in a court of law," Otousama said shortly.

"I'm merely deflecting your unfounded accusation. There are many reasons." Ikuru paused for a moment. "So I return again to a simple question. Please go through with this in the proper manner. In the first instance, of course, it is they and not you who sign the form."

"It will be a dark day when I allow two girls under my care to be strong-armed into anything by a functionary," Otousama said. "At the very least, this should be a matter for the prosecutor. I don't see what authority you have to recognise in this instance."

"I'm an expert in these matters, and you've already found my papers to be in perfect order," Ikuru said. "And I'll state again clearly, we merely want to resolve this situation with finality and completeness. If I feel that has not been achieved, I'm afraid I would be compelled to investigate all the Fujino circumstances for any clue…"

"It isn't wise to threaten those you seek co-operation from," Okasama said reasonably. "It leaves a bad impression."

"Surely that's no threat. It was simply a statement."

"I don't have time for semantic flippancy," Otousama said bluntly.

Even if I focus on the paper, I still hear the words. I also understand why my parents have been forced to concede as much as my presence, and why this is still going on. This man isn't to be taken lightly. But it's stacked odds. He has planned everything out, while we haven't had the luxury of that. Was that complacency on our part?

"Then I'm sorry for wasting your time. I'll return to the task in hand." When I glanced up, he was still looking in our direction. "Your opinion, Shizuru Fujino-san, Natsuki Kuga-san?"

"All we have to do is answer questions, right?" Natsuki asked abruptly.

Ikuru nodded. "Precisely."

"Frankly, I could care less. I'll do it." Natsuki kept her voice sharp. "But, one condition. Don't involve Shizuru."

I blinked, turning and glancing at her. "You shouldn't go that far-"

"Shut up," Natsuki said without looking at me. I suppose she's angry with me.

"Your sentiment is noble, but that isn't really the position here," Ikuru said. "I need the two of you. Especially as Shizuru Fujino-san was the first one targeted. She's most likely to be intimately connected with this case."

"Then neither is what you'll get," Natsuki said with characteristic bluntness.

Ikuru frowned, continuing to glare at me. "I can only regret the impression that would cause, though… that Shizuru Fujino-san is at best weak, and at worst a keeper of secrets…"

"I see." Otousama stood. "Please leave."

"If that is what you wish. I will return tomorrow." Ikuru stood, turning away. "I'll leave the papers with you, if you decide to review the situation."

"I'll do it," I said quietly.

"You shouldn't be intimidated, Shizuru," Otousama said. "This is nonsense."

"It's fine, Tou-sama," I said reasonably, without looking up. "It should be a simple thing. I also want justice to be done, so if I can be of some use with that…"

Now that is nonsense.

"A commendable attitude," Ikuru said. "Well, then. I will return to finalise the details tomorrow."

"We will use that time to consider the situation," Otousama said darkly. "This is still an exceptional circumstance."

"Please do so," Ikuru said, sounding bored. "I will fetch my coat." He started to walk out. "Farewell, Shizuru Fujino-san, Natsuki Kuga-san."

I didn't answer. I was still wondering why I had accepted so easily. Perhaps because I don't want to trouble my family. Perhaps its just prudence… there are small details and technicalities here and there that I happen to know are better off buried, in our affairs. Otousama taught me some useful things with respect of that, which made far more use of myself. Perhaps it's because I don't want to fail Otousama. I know that, though he defends me, if he was in this situation, he would certainly face it head on. Even if he was carrying secrets like mine, he would hide them while facing a court for the good of our family. Honest, perhaps, doesn't come into that. But we're only honest to our friends, at best.

Perhaps I just feel obliged to be there, under these circumstances. Even if "truth" and "justice" are going to be distant from proceedings, perhaps I at least need to be present when it ends.

Perhaps I'm just a guilty girl who wants to be punished, after all, or the closest I can approximate it without taking real, moral action.

At the very least, it's a lot cleaner than anything else I might be thinking about right now is. And that's a desperate relative measure.

"I don't like this situation," Otousama said. "Most of all, his attitude. He went far too far."

Okasama nodded. "I'm sorry you two had to experience that. He wouldn't listen to reason at all."

"It's fine," Natsuki said. "He's a complete bastard, but whatever. I'm not afraid of him."

"Are you sure you two can deal with this?" Otousama asked bluntly.

"I can, myself," I remarked, looking down at the table. "Don't worry, Tou-sama. I wouldn't be very good if I couldn't even do something so simple… that's why you don't need to advocate for me. You always have many important things to deal with."

"Hmm. Well, I'll trust your judgement. All the same, I'm taking an interest in this. A young man has rather gone out of his way to needlessly antagonise me… if his motives are less than snow, I'll correct him for that."

I nodded vaguely, feeling exhausted. "Is that everything?"

"Of course. You can go back now," Okasama said. "I'm sorry, Shizuru."

"No, not at all," I said wanly. Though I was trying, I couldn't find any energy to put into my words. The aftermath of my anger and frustration was just a dull, echoing exhaustion.

"And I'll go and tell the others they can move freely again," Saaya suggested brightly. "If you can manage without me for another minute or two, Viola."

Okasama nodded. "Please. No, I should probably come with you, shouldn't I? We've been forced to be very discourteous to them…"

"They understand. Besides, don't you want to rest yourself?" Saaya asked brightly.

"I'll manage. More importantly, should I tell them?" Okasama asked, glancing at us. "What do you two want?"

"I don't care," Natsuki said shortly, standing and looking away.

I considered for a moment, breathing deeply. "They'll know soon only, most likely, so… there's no harm in telling them now. No meaning in not."

Okasama nodded. "Understood. I'll take care of it, if you have no objection."

"Go ahead," I said tiredly. I really should say something more than that.

"In the meantime, you should rest," Okasama said sympathetically.

Probably.

I stood wearily, turning to leave.

"Kuga. If you have any time later, come to my study." Otousama folded his arms. "Those lessons in kenjutsu, long deferred, are going to start. Not before time, either."

I need to say something here. So I forced a smile. "Ara? Natsuki and kenjutsu?"

"I was just curious," Natsuki said shortly. "Besides, he's the one who has been putting it off. I don't know why he's the one complaining about the frequency."

"I am genuinely a very busy man," Otousama said shortly. "You should remember that. Regardless, today I have time to kill, so you should avail yourself of the chance. It'll prove to be a rare one."

If Natsuki acknowledges it without question, it's probably legitimate. She doesn't have the guile to roll from an unforeshadowed pretext without a stumble. But, still, he could say many things. Should I involve myself somehow? After all, it's a common interest, so it should be easy-

I'm not sure whether I even care that much any more.

"Well, I'll see if I have nothing more important to do," Natsuki replied shortly. "Let's go."

I blinked, nodding vaguely, and trailed after her loosely. I suppose we left the opposite way from how we came in.

"Once again, I'm sorry for everything," Okasama said, as we walked back towards the bedrooms. "Including our deception. We felt that it would be for your own good, so it was well intended, at least. I'm not sure whether you're offended, though."

"It's okay," Natsuki muttered.

I just nodded slightly.

"Are you really okay, Shizuru?" Okasama asked. "You're very much down. I take it that is his influence…"

"It recalls some unpleasant memories," I said weakly. I have no idea whether Saaya is going to let me get away with saying just that.

Maybe it would be better if she didn't. I don't even know any more.

When we reached my room, I stopped. "I'm going to rest," I said, smiling quietly.

Okasama nodded. "Good. Shall we, Saaya?"

Saaya nodded. "Don't worry," she said, glancing at me. "Everything will work out fine."

"Thanks," I said, not really meaning about. All I really felt was fear over whether Okasama caught the double meaning.

After that, I fell onto my futon again, resting my head and looking up at the ceiling. This is all so hard.

Natsuki took a tentative step into the room, looking down at me. "Are you alright?" she asked.

"I'm sorry," I said, with feeling and without a clear sense of what I was actually referring too, I suppose. "I'm sorry…"

"It's fine," Natsuki said guardedly. "You're always saying that, aren't I? But I never ask you for it."

"Could you let me be alone?" I asked quietly. "Just for a while."

"This is to do with me as well, isn't it?" Natsuki said. Was she angry? I'm not sure. "I haven't made a habit of leaving you when you're like this…"

"I get it, I know," I said. "But, this is more complex. I'm scared. And, I'm always depending on you. You're always holding my hand, so. I need to work this out for myself, I think." I touched the corner of my eye gently, pulling a piece of dirt away. "Even as it is, I feel useless…"

"But-"

"Please," I said urgently, propping myself up on one arm and looking up at her face. "Just go."

Natsuki looked at me for a long moment, then nodded. "Fine. But come when you can." She turned to walk away.

"Are you mad?" I asked urgently.

She stopped, but didn't turn around.

"Yeah, I guess you're mad, aren't you?" I said nervously, half to myself. "I've been really selfish and careless again…"

"Yes. I'm mad."

Even though I'd expected that, even though I'd known that, it hurt to hear that. It isn't fair at all.

"But," Natsuki continued after a moment. "If I wasn't mad, it'd mean I didn't care, right? I'll forgive you, or something. It's all fine."

I blinked. "I'm… really sorry…"

"Take your time. I'll be waiting." And then she left, closing the door after her.

I rolled over, looking up at the ceiling and frowning. Why? Why can she deal with this so well? The confession, all my tantrums, everything? I was supposed to be the mature, sophisticated one. And she was clumsy and earnest and well intended, anger-prone, kind. I was supposed to be the one who understood these things, wasn't I? So why am I so manifestly useless and sad?

And it's not just that trial, either. In my head, I'm on trial with my parents, and the evidence is mounting. With Natsuki's friends, as well, if they knew things were like this they'd definitely judge me. Reito would laugh. Natsuki, too. If I'm like this, I'm just insulting her.

More than just changing things, though. Can I change myself? I don't know if that's possible, for someone like me.

Maybe possibility doesn't come into this. I must.

* * *

Once again, with my back against the thin wall between us, it's a reminder. So close and yet so goddamn far.

What am I supposed to do? I guess I didn't expect the world to slide into place after I kissed her. I'm not that naïve. Even so, things haven't become any easier, and it's so frustrating. I thrive on absolutes, so this ambivalence and uncertainty is impaling me. I have to help her, but I don't know if I can. She loves me, but only when her parents aren't around. She's forgiven herself, except for the stuff we haven't covered yet and the stuff that hasn't gone away. And, above all, I can work through all her troubles with her, and she'll be thankful for it, except when I can't reach her at all. What am I supposed to do in this situation? Go and talk to her parents? I'm not sure if she'd forgive me for doing that behind her back. I know I wouldn't forgive her. So, all I can do is wait. But that's just a dumb and waning optimism, maybe. What if she never comes round? What if my waiting politely doesn't change anything at all? What if, fundamentally, there's nothing I can do?

All I can do right now is believe in her, perhaps. But though that sounds wonderfully romantic, I don't like it. There aren't many times in my life when I've put everything into someone else's hands, without trying to do anything myself. Perhaps just the once, even.

More than that, I'm also counting on her parents. It would be rather convenient if they popped back and quietly told her to do what she pleases. That's responsible parenting, isn't it? Sounds responsible to me, anyway. But I can't exactly count on everything to turn out how I want it to end. It never does.

Less said about the trial thing, the better. Just as long as that damn woman is locked up where I never have to see her again.

I never catch any breaks.

But, whatever. It doesn't suit my personality to be sitting around moping, to be honest. I promised myself I was through with that after my trip to Kyoto, and I'm inclined to keep that pledge.

Maybe I'll go and play sticks with the old bastard, after all. And if I can find a way to broach the topic, I can do that. It's a bit of an awkward topic, though. "By the way, before we move onto the stance of the crane, can I get your permission to do this and that with your daughter?"

Doesn't generally fly in the movies. Or at all. But I have to smile.

So, I got up, left my room, and tried to remember the way to his study. No piano this time. But I got there in the end, all the same, and without walking into anyone. I don't think I can talk about this stuff yet, not even with Mai. I'm not sure whether even she would understand.

And I pushed open the door without knocking, of course. "Yo."

Shinri did his supervillain-in-chair thing again, studiously refusing to look round. "So you did bother to turn up, after all."

"I'm here," I said firmly. "So hurry up, already. I could be doing other things as well."

"Me too," Shinri said in a bored voice. "Just let me finish with this."

I sighed, leaning against the doorframe. "Fine. Hurry it up, though."

"I'll see what I can do." He carried on typing. "I'm preparing for a consultation with my lawyer, by the way."

"Oh?" I asked; trying not to sound too interested. Well, it beat focusing on my problems.

"I'm certain that this isn't proper procedure. It's too fast, too improper, using a low-ranked policeman. At the very least, we can assess the situation. Of course, you two have already cut the ground out from under my feet to a large degree, but that can't be helped."

"We just have to deal with it, right?" I said. Oh, yeah. This is also my problem.

"Don't regret those words," Shinri said carelessly. He stopped abruptly, turning his chair around and facing me. "One moment, before we go. Do you know why I left you to deal with Shizuru last night?"

I blinked at the question, flushing slightly. He can't know, right?

"Because you're a lazy, emotionally insensitive guy?" I said sarkily, trying to stiffen my tone.

"No, because if that was a major problem you'd certainly be even worse," Shinri said shortly. "But it's for another reason. We're different things to her."

"Figures."

"I've done my best to be an aspiration to Shizuru, and someone whose standards must be met. Frankly, I've succeeded." Shinri folded his arms. "But that also limits our interactions in certain ways. Make of that what you will."

"Well, you did it to yourself," I said unsympathetically. "I don't really get why all that stuff is necessary anyway. You know, it really upsets her from time to time."

"That's irrelevant to me," Shinri said shortly. "I'm not interested in your thoughts on my methods. You just have to remember that you can't shove anything onto me. You have to be responsible for such things."

"Well, thanks," I snapped. Shinri stood, plainly considering the conversation over. "Why me, anyway? Can't Viola and Saaya do that stuff? Or her friends too?"

Shinri shrugged. "Do you want them to do so?"

I blinked, then scowled. "Look, bastard, I'd look after her whether you asked me too or not. I'm already doing it, too. So this whole thing is pointless in the first place."

"Indeed. That's precisely why I'm saying these things to you," he said, stepping past me.

I blinked, watching his back for a moment. "That's the single most stupid thing I've ever heard. And I hang around Tate and Shiho."

Shinri made an amused noise. "Next time you do a little thinking, consider it. You might even get something from it."

"Bastard," I said with feeling.

Is it really smart to be insulting my girlfriend's father? But, all the same, it's therapeutic and fun. Beats me how I know what I'm supposed to do. What would Shizuru think? Would she find it funny?

"Hey, I have a question," I said abruptly. Perhaps I can least talk to him.

"Yes?" Shinri asked, sounding bored again. He walked very fast through the corridors, so that even I had to expend effort keeping up.

"Is this part of that weird family philosophy thing?" I asked. "All about protecting just your loved ones, ergo we get stinking rich and so on?"

"Hmm? I wouldn't use those words, myself. It's nothing so sophisticated as a philosophy, either."

"Stop dodging the question," I complained.

"Well, you aren't wrong as such," Shinri said, glancing back at me. "Though this isn't a purely rational matter. Things ended up this way, to our mutual benefit."

"It kinda creeps me out, you know," I said firmly. "I mean, you're always testing her and pushing her, and she feels like she's obliged to do so much. Duty this or that… it makes me sick."

"Then you're a misguided sentimentalist. I'm just a responsible parent. You can't make good people just by spoiling them and protecting them. They'll only lean on you. And as for duty…" Shinri shrugged. "To never adulterate, to never steal, to never breach promise, to never betray, they're important duties. It's not merely family. My intention has always been to raise a dutiful daughter, and I won't apologise for that."

"I notice you don't say to never lie," I said dryly.

Shinri shrugged. "Most lying is just good business practise."

I winced. "I see. Great."

"But some lies are different. Regardless, I'm not lecturing you on morality or true social responsibility. You wouldn't appreciate it at all."

"Thank you for the mercy." I looked at him for a long moment. "So what would you do, if Shizuru's convictions, or her emotions, went against one of your own ideals or beliefs? Would you blame her for that?"

Shinri glanced back at me, frowning. "If that was the case," he said clearly, "I would certainly be obliged to oppose her with all of my power before I was satisfied."

"I see," I said, trying not to sound too disappointed. "So much for conviction…"

"Touching on another note briefly," Shinri said. "When we're practising kenjutsu, Kuga, don't expect me to hold back in the slightest."

"Who asked for you to hold back?" I said sourly. "Don't insult me."

"Exactly. That's probably the only way to become strong."

I sighed, rubbing my forehead. Grumpy bastard.


	56. Chapter 56

**Windows of the Soul: Part Fifty-Six**

Be forewarned insofar as I tend to make up cool things on the fly rather than painstakingly preparing details. And that's just the plot, forget the portrayal of kenjutsu...

As usual, enjoy.

* * *

I sighed, tugging the sleeve of the kimono in discontent. "Do I have to wear this?"

"Of course. This isn't a casual hobby. Respecting tradition is fundamental." Shinri narrowed his eyes at me. "And a virtue in its own right, albeit one sadly lost on much of the younger generation."

"Yeah, yeah," I said dismissively. "I go to all the festivals, you know. When nothing else has come up."

Shinri sighed. "I'm sure."

"So, what first?" I asked, swishing the bokken I'd been given. "Some of that stuff you do in pairs? Or a kata or something?"

Shinri snorted. "I said this isn't a casual hobby. In the first place, take a fighting stance. How would you hold that sword?"

"Oh. Right." I tried to remember what Shizuru always did, extrapolating a little from my own experience. Spread your feet for a wide base, and lower your centre of gravity slightly. Widen the distance between the two hands, while keeping a two-handed stance. Some of Mikoto's more esoteric manoeuvres will have to wait for now. Especially those spins of hers. And hold the weapon firmly facing him, ready to move.

None of my normal weapons are used like this. It's awkward, to say the least. Well, at least a pistol in the proper position uses two hands. But, really, a weapon is a weapon. It's just a big knife, so use it in the best place to stab the person in front of you. Simple.

"Hmm. At least you have the right idea for a stance that could at least be usable." Shinri started to walk around me, holding his bokken casually in his right hand.

I followed him with my eyes, frowning.

"Don't move," he instructed crisply. "Face forwards, as if your opponent is there."

"Fine." I did so, ignoring him as he continued to walk, leaving my sight between me.

He'd better not be staring at anything strange. Screw kendo or kenjutsu or whatever, I'd kick has ass. But it is this bastard. He seems pretty dead to me. Must be the stress.

"Of course, the actual shape is horrendous," Shinri said, coming round the other side. "Full of inefficiency, ugly, and wide open. I'm not even sure where to begin."

"From the beginning," I suggested, with just a hint of sarcasm. I can take this stuff, though. It's what teachers do.

"Hmm." Shinri arrived in front of me again, and took a stance. "Fine. Attack me."

"But, aren't we doing the stance stuff first?" I asked hurriedly.

"What would you learn if I just told you?" Shinri asked impatiently. "Do you know what's wrong with your stance right now?"

"No, damnit!" I said. "I'm just starting! Give me a break!"

"Then attack me," Shinri suggested bluntly.

I narrowed my eyes, scowling. "Fine." If that's what he wants. But I'm not going to be half-hearted about this.

I waited a moment, watching him. If I had a knife, this would almost be easier, but… A moment later, I moved suddenly forwards, bokken sliding upwards, ready to crash down on his head.

Something slammed violently into my midriff. I gasped for breath, falling forwards and collapsing to the floor.

"You're dead," Shinri said crisply, lowering his bokken again. "What the hell was that? Did you learn that from a film? It doesn't take any talent at all to gut someone who's using that position without preparation… and if you mean to do that, begin in that position!"

"Isn't that just obvious?" I demanded breathlessly, forcing myself to look up. My left hand rubbed my stomach. Shit, but that hurt. Is he crazy?

"You have a long way to go before you'll be able to make anything but obvious moves," Shinri said. "But it's better to be good first." He frowned. "Come, again."

I pushed myself up, standing unsteadily and taking a stance again. I took a breath. Fine, like a knife. That was my closest area of expertise. This time, I exploded forwards, my sword pushing straight for his chest with a violent forward thrust.

Things started to go wrong when my bokken was thrown violently to the left. The next thing I knew, Shinri was bearing down on me. He hit me in the solar plexus, completely winding me. And for the second time in two minutes, I collapsed to the floor, gasping for breath.

"I pulled both blows, of course," Shinri said conversationally.

"Asshole," I breathed, rubbing my chest. "Shit! That's dangerous!"

"I can afford to do it. And I do it for that reason. It's a good lesson." Shinri stepped back. "Rest there."

"Not yet," I began, placing a hand on the ground and pushing myself up.

"I've made my point. You won't learn anything by carrying on right now." Shinri sat in seiza, placing his bokken in front of him. "Now we talk."

I bit back an argument, imitating him. Now my upper body really aches, too, but I won't give any sign of that. "Well?"

"It's hard to be sure, but you're fast for your sex," Shinri said. "No less so than Shizuru. That's no excuse. The stances are messy, but there's a greater problem. A conceptual one. Do you know what it is?"

I shook my head. "No. Or, that I'm attacking at all?"

"Partly. But in both cases, you saw my body, not my sword. Both those blows were intended to hit me, and if they had connected they would have been very damaging. However, you didn't actually plan to pass my sword. Simply put, your attacks were positioned as if it didn't exist." Shinri frowned. "What do you think you can achieve like that?"

I bit back an angry retort, taking a breath. "Nothing," I admitted.

Because a knife is generally used on someone who is unarmed, and a gun can be used without regard for what they're holding. Well, putting Shizuru and Mikoto aside. But I can manage this with my kicks. So, this is probably simply the weapon.

"By all means, attack. It's often favoured. But never extend yourself to the point where you can't counter their riposte. By default, attacking means you have no other mode of defence."

I nodded. "Fine. I get it."

"Of course, sometimes you should take that risk. There are no absolutes. But only do so if you are sure and certain that your next blow will end the fight, to such a degree that you will stake your own life on that point." Shinri frowned at me. "That's why you must trust your own intuition. Kenjutsu has nothing to say on situations where you are not risking your own life. It's practise for that. It can't be taken lightly."

"I get it, I get it," I said impatiently. "Don't worry. Whatever else, I don't take these things lightly." I stood, brushing myself off. "Now, why don't you attack me?"

"There wouldn't be any point in that," Shinri said coolly.

"Not exactly. You know, I'm not a modest person." I brought my bokken up to guard again. "I won't be able to learn anything until I know how much, or how little, I can do now."

"What a stubborn girl," Shinri said irritably, standing again and taking a stance. "Fine. But don't expect miracles."

I narrowed my eyes, focusing. After all, I've done this before.

He stepped forwards with surprising speed, cutting down towards my head. I slid sideways, pushing his bokken clear of my body. But he twisted his bokken deftly, pushing me sideways before I could make some kind of attack. A moment later, he slashed at me, but I ducked and rolled out of reach. Yes, that's right. To my surprise, he turned again, running to attack me. I'd already regained a crouching position. My body removed instinctively, my free palm slamming down as I prepared for a kick to sweep the legs out from under him… but that's probably not allowed. I pushed myself backwards instead, regaining my feet and barely blocking his downward sweep. Our eyes met for a moment before he grunted, driving his bokken down my own and twisting. I sidestepped, raising my free hand and thrusting it towards his chest. He stepped back, just beyond my reach, and lowered his bokken. Our rapid breaths melded together as we regarded each other.

"You have an exceptional talent for running away," Shinri said, regarding me with a frown. "Quite similar to the younger Minagi."

"Thank you," I said without irony.

I could keep myself alive even when Mikoto was going all out, you know. There's no way I'd lose to you.

"Of course, you can't use that bokken at all," he added witheringly. "Simply running around won't win you any fight, because you had to expend more energy than me just to avoid getting hit."

"You know, you'd be surprised at my stamina," I said. "But you're right, as well. I can't use this thing at all… that's why I came to you."

"Hmm. What have you learned?"

I scowled. "Like I said, nothing. Or do you mean just now?"

"I mean what have you learned about fighting before?" Shinri asked. "Your technique, while eccentric and reckless, certainly isn't coincidental… like the Minagi and even that Tate, your physical competence is surprising."

"I'm fit and have good instincts," I said, shrugging. "That's really all. I don't know about the others."

"And when was the last time you exercised, then?"

I frowned. "Today, right? We were running around a lot in the park."

Shinri snorted. "I see. Can I ask you a personal question, Kuga?"

"Shoot," I said, bemused.

"How much fighting have you done?" Shinri asked, frowning at me. "Not practise or sparring. Genuine fighting."

"What does that have to do with you?" I said defensively.

"I'm teaching you."

I snorted, looking away. "Not that you're doing much of that… but, so-so. Quite a bit. But not just for the hell of it, either." I focused on his face again, glaring. "Sometimes for my family, sometimes for my friends, and also Shizuru… sometimes just for myself. And I tended to win. I'm pretty strong."

"You at least make a virtue of honesty," Shinri noted.

"But that's not why I want to learn kenjutsu," I added. "I told you, didn't I? This is for Shizuru, so we can have more things in common. I want to understand something very important to her."

"I'm not sure if such a casual attitude is any better than the alternative I was considering," Shinri said, sighing.

"Well, what about you?" I asked pointedly. "You're good at it, but have you ever actually used it?"

Shinri smirked. "Very well. I suppose I'll have to acknowledge that motive." He straightened, reverting to his typical expression. "But though you have some talent, you shouldn't expect fast results. This isn't easy."

"That's fine," I said dismissively. "A start will do. After all, I can always have Shizuru teach me the rest."

"I think she'd despair to look upon your stance. Save a one-handed technique for when you can use a sword at all." Shinri clicked his fingers. "Show me one more time."

I brought my bokken up and waited patiently.

"Lower your left hand slightly," Shinri ordered. "Raise the tip two inches, but keep your grip in the same place. Move your left foot back. A little further…"

I did my best to follow his orders. It was damn hard to remember everything at once, though. "Like this?"

"Keep the point high. It's tiring but important, don't slacken." Shinri folded his arms.

"Fine." I adjusted my grip slightly. "Were you the one to teach Shizuru, as well?"

"Only occasionally. We used to employ someone part-time, who taught me as well."

"Oh?" I asked, interested. "You know, there's no way I can imagine you being taught by someone."

"I'm only good as spare time can be," Shinri said. "Though, more than enough to teach you."

"Yes, yes," I said impatiently. "Is this fine?"

"Hmm. It will do. You can relax now."

I sighed with relief, dropping my bokken to my side. "About time."

"And again."

I blinked. "Huh?"

"Adopt that stance again," Shinri ordered. "Faster, this time."

I grimaced but made no reply, save to do as he said. Okay, this time he was definitely trying to break me through tedium.

* * *

I turned the page then stopped, realising that I'd completely missed the last three paragraphs. So, I turned back and started from there.

I wonder what everyone is doing right now. I wonder what Natsuki is doing right now. My isolation rankles, but it's self-imposed. Even so, would anyone but Natsuki notice or care? I barely know the others, so it's natural. And that is my fault, as well, but what's done is done. I don't really feel like talking right now anyway, so it's a moot point. If there was anyone here, I'd undoubtedly resent the intrusion. So, in that respect, I can have it however I please. I always find something to fault, which is a very depressing habit indeed.

And, surely enough, I missed what I was trying to read the second time around as well. Sighing, I slid my bookmark into place and put the book aside, before turning my head to look at the ceiling again.

Natsuki would probably be having fun with the others, so I didn't need to worry quite as much as I otherwise might. She'd manage, certainly, and whatever I actually want it would be better if I could take her at her word, and assume I can't hurt her too badly. That's irresponsible, though. If I'd shown more consideration earlier, I wouldn't have hurt her in the first place. I should be better able to remember that I'm not the only one with apprehensions and worries and… everything. Already, it seems like I'm taking her for granted.

But I can't change what's already been done. I should simply decide what to do now, to make up for that. Or, perhaps more importantly, I need to decide what it is I want to do, myself. My parents are my responsibility.

I put a hand against my forehead, sighing. Just declaring it to myself over and over doesn't change anything, though. Fear and apprehension paralyse me, so much so that I can barely think, let alone move. In some ways, things were a lot easier before, when I simply had to hide and despise what I was. But, when Natsuki holds me and I feel so comforted it's hard to rely on such simplistic assumptions. Instead, I'm confronted with many more complicated problems. Such as, how do I reconcile Natsuki's feelings with every reason she has to hate me? My love for her with my unending tendency to hurt her? And the fact that even though it's a fascinating, guilty and happy thing to us, a pretty damn decent percentage of society would regard as deviants or worse. Including, quite possibly, my family.

Moving from one world into quite another, it's natural I don't have my bearings. And I can't move without knowing where I stand. It feels like I shouldn't be that way, if I was truly strong. But, right now, I can't do anything else.

So what now, again? Just tell my parents and hope? Or, perhaps, just Okasama? She might be more sympathetic, but it's hard to tell. Or can I continue like this, with our relationship a secret? I'd need to tell Natsuki clearly, and outline what we'd do, and I'm not sure she'd do that. Telling my parents feels like the right sacrifice, but it could go badly wrong. And I don't think that upsetting myself for just that reason and no more would make Natsuki happy, either, so-

There was a knock on my door. I paused for a moment, sitting up and making myself more presentable. "Come in."

"Sorry to intrude."

As I'd feared, it was Saaya. But this was good, at least, because I had a few things I emphatically needed to resolve. This was one of them.

I nodded politely. "Can I help you?"

"I thought I'd talk to you for a time, if you have no objection to that," Saaya replied politely, closing the door behind her. "It would be convenient."

"My thoughts are the same. But is Okasama okay with this?" I frowned. "What did you tell her?"

"In respect of this?" Saaya asked, sitting opposite me. Her movements were graceful and elegant, though I'd expect no less from her. Dealing with her one-to-one and face to face was an unusual experience. "The truth. I was worried about you, and wanted to check on you without the formality of involving her. She accepted that."

"Or appeared to," I said cautiously. "More importantly, in the other respect?"

"As I said, I've told her nothing about what I saw earlier today." Saaya glanced at me. "I take it you want that state of affairs to continue?"

"For now, yes. Is that okay?"

"She would forgive me. I have to use my discretion from time to time. Viola always wants the best in a situation, and trusts my judgement. So this much is fine."

"I see. Thank you." I closed my eyes. "And let me sincerely apologise for earlier. I reacted in a hysterical way, unbecoming of my name. I'm very sorry you had to deal with that."

"How old do you think I am? It'd take more than that to offend me," Saaya said politely. "In the first instance, I shouldn't have disturbed you without warning. That was my mistake."

I shook my head. "That was only human… I was careless."

"We were careless?" Saaya suggested innocently.

I frowned. "If you insist."

"Well, all the formality bores me anyway," Saaya said, leaning back slightly. "If I'm not offended, there's no need to apologise. More importantly, how are you feeling? That man made for an ordeal and what came before was also significant to you. You didn't look well then, and look little better now."

"I can manage," I said. "Understandably, I have a lot to think about."

"Hmm. Such as?" Saaya asked innocently.

"The trial, and everything that reminds me of, and some difficulties with my friends," I said, automatically evasive. "It's very… tiring."

"Hmm. Well, that's understandable. Have you talked to anyone else about that?"

"Natsuki, a little, as we have it in common," I said, feeling vaguely like I was reading from a script. "She's stronger than me, so-"

I stopped abruptly. What was I going to change like this?

"What's wrong, Shizuru-chan?" Saaya asked innocently.

"But that isn't very important, relatively," I said quietly. "The main thing is… more or less as you see it."

"Hmm? Oh, that." Saaya was impish. "You mean you're cold even in summer? Maybe your fever's come back, after all."

It took me a moment to work that one out. "The problem is Natsuki and I, because as you saw our relationship is less than conventional."

"In what way? You know, I've lived a very long time but I don't know many conventional people."

I bit my lip, looking away. "I… love Natsuki."

"Hmm. I take it that's in a more significant sense than 'I love chocolate'?" Saaya suggested coyly.

"Somewhat. And I'm not being young or stupid, in this respect," I clarified. "It's been for a long time, and I'd rather forget it, only I'm given little choice by circumstances… though you'll undoubtedly say that I'm being both those things, and more, this isn't a child's naivete."

"Hmm. I didn't say anything like that, you know." Saaya gave me another thoughtful look. "So, what is the major problem? How do you two stand right now?"

"We're involved," I said evasively. "Though only since yesterday. Though she's known for along time and I considered myself firmly rejected." I stopped again. "Are you going to tell any of this to Okasama?"

Saaya shook her head. "Of course not. I'm simply listening for myself, or maybe even you. If you don't trust me, though, you can stop."

"But, apart from emotional complications that aren't relevent here… I'm worried about my parents. You, too, but I suspect you can't be helped any more." I rubbed my forehead. "I don't know how they'll react, and I don't want their disapproval. There are other complications, and I'm very uncertain."

It was actually surprisingly therapeutic to simply say all this stuff to someone older than me, someone I recognised, someone who might be able to help. Whether or not she could actually do anything, simply letting Saaya know eased my mind. It was the removal of a burden.

"I see. You've stumbled into a rather classic scenario," Saaya noted lightly. "Well, truthfully, I guessed most of that anyway. But it's interesting to hear it from you directly."

"You know, don't you?" I asked apprehensively. "How Okasama would feel about this? And how much she already knows?"

"I know, more or less."

I glanced at her expectantly.

Saaya looked back blankly. "I'm not going to tell you, though. You won't let Viola cheat through me, right?"

My face fell slightly. "I see…"

"Well, we can trade," Saaya suggested. "I'll tell you what you want to know, if I can tell Viola what I know. Of course, if you want to involve Shinri, the same terms apply." She smiled crookedly at me. "I don't personally think that's the best way to do things, but I'm willing to play along."

I sighed. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

"I love interesting things," Saaya said. "And we normally have a placid life. All of you have ensured that Viola is experiencing more vivid and intriguing things, and this is the same. But, more seriously, I want to help you if I can."

I nodded slowly, taking a breath. "And what do you think? Can you tell me that?"

"Me?" Saaya asked. "Personally, I'm not going to question what you want to do. But in specific terms, that's all you need to know. There's much more, but it's moot." She cocked her head. "But Viola wouldn't want you to be sad. That's my judgement, so for that and personal motives too I'm not going to watch our cute daughter struggle without saying a word or two."

I processed this. Strangely, I was almost disappointed, but at least I hadn't been rejected outright. I'd been half-expecting that from the start. "So," I said eventually, "what do you think I should do?"

"I think you should think about that with someone else, not with me," Saaya replied deftly.

I looked away, feeling slightly let down. "I suppose so."

"You've involved yourself in something complex," Saaya observed. "I'm sure Shinri would be proud. It's not a decision you should take without empathy, but it's also not something to divorce from how you normally think. And in that case, I mean more than mere rationality." She glanced at me thoughtfully. "I don't think you'll find the right answer by looking outwards."

I glanced at her, fingers touching my skirt nervously. "So I should make up my own mind?"

"Not exactly." Saaya frowned. "I just gave some outright contradictory advice, didn't I?"

"I think I know what you mean," I assured her. And somehow I kept talking, even though that was supposed to be that. "And I'm worried about Natsuki, as well, because I've already been causing her problems and this is worse. I don't know whether she's forgiven me."

"Hmm. That must be tough."

"She's not a covert personality though," I said. "I know she wouldn't like my kind of secrecy." I blinked. "Though I suppose this all sounds pretty stupid to you, doesn't it?"

Saaya shook her head. "Not really. Like I said, this is a difficult situation. Speaking as someone who's lived with a woman my age all my life, it never gets easy."

I gave her a careful look, but her face was completely serious. Which is one heck of a talent.

"In any case, I'm still not sure what I should do," I said by way of summary. "Everything is more complicated, so I have a lot of uncertainties…"

"Ahh, but you're all grown up," Saaya said, glancing affectionately at me. "I knew that would happen when we took our eyes off you, but it's still a little surprising. And I wondered whether you'd bring a cute guy home before…"

"Well, sorry about that," I said sarcastically.

"I think I prefer Natsuki-chan, though," Saaya continued, unabashed. "She fits in quite well here, don't you think? At the very least, she's loyal and earnest, both to a fault."

I sighed, turning away. "You shouldn't talk like that."

"Hmm. So what is it, then?" Saaya asked.

"Yes?"

"What is it you like about her?"

I glanced at her. "Are you mocking me?"

Saaya shook her head. "Not at all. I'm sincerely interested. Come on. There must be some things, right?"

"Of course," I replied. "This didn't happen at random, whatever you may think…"

"So what are they?"

I blinked. "Well… she's beautiful and graceful, but not like us. She has a self-assured quality, I suppose, that's her kind of grace. She's as intelligent as I am, but in a different way. Even so, she has a very vulnerable side, that's cute. And she's a good listener, though she can talk as well. But she's not really popular, because she's always cold. That's just a mask for her vulnerability." I stopped abruptly, feeling embarrassed. "And so on in that vein. You should know too, right?"

"I'm fond of Natsuki-chan, but there's no way I could possibly know her the way you do," Saaya pointed out. "That's why I'm curious."

"Well, it's embarrassing to talk about it," I said.

Saaya giggled. "You shouldn't be. You should be more confident if you want to make her happy. But I suppose it's early days yet."

"Do you have to talk like that?" I asked, folding my arms.

"This is tradition," Saaya said ambiguously. She glanced at me. "And Natsuki-chan loves you, right?"

I flushed. "Well, I guess so…"

"You should say that more confidently," Saaya said. "But what does she love about you?"

I blinked. "Uhh… I'm not sure, I guess…"

"And that's just terrible," Saaya chided. "You know, you should have a clear idea of why as well. You should think about it. No, you should ask her."

"Isn't that a little…" I began.

"It's a little nothing! Love is about mutual arrogance, you know," Saaya said decisively. "It's good to say it just once, so you can remember from then on. And she'd like to hear what you like about her, right?"

"I have no idea," I said defensively. "And in any case I'm worried about the situation more than deepening our relationship right now."

"This is more important than mere technicalities," Saaya said, waving a hand dismissively. "The rest can be dealt with later. You're too slow."

"Like I said, I have other worries," I said firmly. "Besides, it's only been a day. Cut me some slack."

"A day. Did she confess to you, or you to her?"

"Her to me," I murmured, bemused.

"Hmm. That's an endearing mental image. Did she stumble over the words?"

I pouted. "Enough, already! I'm really not comfortable with this! It's personal and private!"

"That's also cute." Saaya smiled at me. "But it's fun, isn't it?"

"Maybe for you-"

"Not that. Being with her."

"Well, normally," I admitted cautiously.

"And it makes you happy, right?" Saaya gave me an amused look. "Well, we all know that, and we've known that for almost as long as you were here."

"Was I that transparent?" I asked worriedly.

Saaya giggled again. "As I thought. But, you know, you should hold those thoughts. If those things are true, the principle is sound. So don't let anything else lose proportion in your mind."

I frowned. "I see what you mean, I think."

"Right. Young people have a dangerous habit of regarding love as a serious matter. It's anything but that, unless you're a boring person." Saaya shrugged. "Though perhaps I'm not best placed to talk about these things…"

I sighed and smiled thinly. "Well, I think you've reminded me of something important, either way."

"Then work hard, Shizuru-chan." Saaya stood. "I'd better get back to Viola. She'll be waiting. But if you ever want to talk to me again, just say the word."

"I'm sorry to trouble you," I said hastily, standing.

"And try not to cut Viola out of this for too long," Saaya said, raising a finger. "I'll get very tempted keeping an interesting thing to myself."

Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to scowl. "I see. I'll see what I can do."

It's pretty ridiculous, but she's somehow managed to give me a sense of humour about this. That's probably more important than a sense of purpose.

She left, of course, and I was left behind. And of course, what she thinks isn't necessarily what Okasama thinks, and probably isn't anything like Otousama thinks. She doesn't know about what I did to Natsuki, either, which is why she can afford to be so airy and happy. The reality of our relationship isn't anything so whimsical and beautiful. It's dark, and distorted by my past actions, battered by my words and fears and tears and frustrated guilt, a tentative phantasmal thing sustained by Natsuki's goodwill alone. In a moral sense, it probably shouldn't exist to begin with. I know all of that.

But there is that other side, as well. Being with her is still enjoyable and fascinating and moving and exciting and I'm not sure what else. So, perhaps, the principle is sound. Even if I'm guilty and scared, and even if she's the same. Those things can change, perhaps, but if I can feel glad now surely that feeling won't fade so fast in better times. Or so the hope goes, anyway.

I shouldn't forget that this is, fundamentally, supposed to make us happy. And I shouldn't be ashamed of that.


	57. Chapter 57

**Windows of the Soul: Part Fifty-Seven**

Today's chapter is structurally abnormal, but not in a particularly artistic way. I just messed up my timing somewhere along the line.

* * *

I ache all over. Once again, the dubious virtues of something that felt like a good idea at the time.

When we arrived at the dining room, most people were there. Shizuru wasn't, though. Should I go look for her?

"Good evening, Natsuki," Mai said brightly.

"Ah," I said vaguely. "Good evening."

"I heard about earlier. That must be really tough for you two, right?" Mai scratched her cheek. "Is there something we can do?"

Earlier? Did Shizuru say something? I gave her a very cautious look, then remembered. "The police, right?"

Mai nodded. "Of course. Had you forgotten?"

"Not really," I said, looking away. "But it's not a big deal. We just have to do it, and then it's done. It's fine."

Mai sighed, smiling at me. "If you say so. Sometimes I wonder whether anything will faze you, though. I've been really worried."

"Don't worry about me, at least. I always have a balanced perspective," I said dismissively.

"I wonder about that," Mai said doubtfully.

"Forget that, what have you guys been doing, anyway?" I asked.

"We played cards," Mikoto said enthusiastically. "Ani won!"

"I swear blind he was cheating," Tate said in a low voice, while Reito merely looked smug.

I rolled my eyes. "I see. Well, I'm glad you were really busy worrying about us."

Mai shrugged. "Well, we talked as well… what were you two doing, then?"

"Worrying about the police, damnit," I said evasively. "Shizuru has it tough, you know?"

"Don't overstate things, Natsuki. I'm not so bad." Shizuru smiled at me, putting a hand against the door. "Have I kept everyone waiting? I'm very sorry for that."

"No. Kuga and I did little better," Shinri said briefly. "Though you aren't wrong to apologise, either."

"You don't need to go so far, Shinri," Viola said gently. "How are you, Shizuru?"

"I'm fine, so don't worry about me. I'd be very self-conscious otherwise," Shizuru said, for once looking like she actually was fine. She walked across the room, sitting in her place next to me.

"Fashionably late," Reito said playfully.

"It's fine," Shiho said shortly, folding her arms. "You shouldn't tease her."

"Putting all of that aside, we've had a very busy day," Viola said. "I'm sorry things became disturbed later on, but I very much enjoyed our time outside. I owe you all thanks."

"Don't worry about it. We had fun too, right?" Mai said.

"More importantly, you don't need to keep apologising or thanking us for stuff," I said dismissively. "It all works out okay, doesn't it?"

"Perhaps, but it pays to be courteous," Viola said innocently. "I especially like seeing another side of you all… you worked very hard running around. Is this the appeal of kenjutsu, too, Shinri?"

"Kenjutsu has a somewhat different appeal," Shinri said stiffly.

"Too bad," Viola said mournfully.

"It was good to stretch my legs, after some time inside," Shizuru said agreeably. "Don't you think, Natsuki? You did very well, I thought."

"Not really," I muttered, bemused.

"You did too! Natsuki is really fast," Mikoto said.

I swear Shiho smirked. "Well, everyone else was doing the same thing! I'm just careful to be good at what I do, already. It's called having standards."

"Natsuki doesn't need to be so defensive," Shizuru said.

"Shizuru was fast too," Mikoto said. "That's why it's more fun to play with all of you. It's better than kenjutsu, even."

"In any case," Shinri said gruffly. "Shall we begin?"

Shizuru nodded. "Itadakimasu."

"Itadakimasu." I picked up my chopsticks and dug into my rice.

"You have quite the appetite," Shizuru said, sounding amused. "But I suppose it's been a tiring day."

I glanced at her, slightly puzzled. Maybe she was in a good mood right now. I don't really get it, from time to time, but if the outcome is a good one I'm not going to complain. I swallowed, then nodded. "Pretty much. You too?"

"I suppose so," Shizuru admitted, sipping her soup. "It's been a day full of various activities… what were you doing, after we separated? I hope you were having a good time."

I shrugged again. Well, if she isn't worried, then I shouldn't be worried. She wouldn't want that. "So-so. I was trying to learn a little kenjutsu, with him," I said, nodding towards Shinri. "But mostly that was just waving a stick around."

"Kenjutsu?" Shizuru asked, honestly surprised. "Why?"

"Well, I need some kind of exercise, right?" I said by way of reply. "Besides, this is a rare chance to get free lessons. It's interesting."

Shizuru smiled. "Well, that's good. I thought you didn't consider kenjutsu very useful, though?"

"Whether it's useful or not, I can still do it as a hobby, right?" I asked defensively. "I just don't think it's relevant for self-defence."

Shinri snorted his disagreement, but said nothing out loud.

Shizuru giggled. "I see. Fair enough. Are you enjoying it?"

"A little. But I got bashed around a lot, too," I said, rubbing my midriff. "Those little wooden things don't look bad, but they pack one hell of a punch, I'll give you that much."

"That's rather the point, I'm afraid… and I take it Otousama wasn't gentle?"

"Of course." Shinri said briefly. "Who do you think I am?"

Shizuru giggled again. "I was afraid that might be the case. Well, if you ever want a slightly gentler teacher, I'll be willing to help at any time. I'm not as good as Otousama, of course…"

"I'll see how things go," I said with deliberate vagueness. "But that could be fun." Well, spending more time with her, and with a reason, is good. And doesn't this count as sharing interests or something?

On the other hand, of course, having Shizuru hold my hand in a metaphorical rather than a literal sense could be pretty annoying, depending…

"More importantly, haven't you been slacking off on another important thing?" Shizuru asked innocently.

I frowned. "Yes?"

"Studying, remember?" Shizuru said pointedly.

I blinked. "Oh… yeah."

"I've let you get away with it, but we really need to make sure you pass those exams," Shizuru said. "It's very important, right?"

"Well, I guess."

"More than that. It's very important, Natsuki."

I scratched my forehead, frowning thoughtfully. Honestly, she's rather hard to work out. All of a sudden, she's as cheerful as if nothing happened at all… but as a lover, or just a friend? I don't know. And thinking about it makes my head hurt.

"Though it'll be dull to go back to studying like before," Shizuru said mournfully. "I suppose we can just try and break things up a bit, right?"

"Well, it's not like you have to do everything," Mai suggested, turning away from her own conversation. "I'm sure Natsuki could do enough work in the evenings for you to do other things. The rest of us can help as well, though, if you like."

"That's a very kind offer," Shizuru said gracefully. "I appreciate it."

I shrugged. "Well, I can take care of it. We've already made a good start, right? And we still have a lot to think about, don't we? Once all of that is taken care of, we can worry about my studying. The other things won't keep."

"You have a point, but it's worrying me again," Shizuru said. "I'm a little guilty for continually forgetting about this."

"It's fine," I said. "It's my bad, right? You know, you don't have to feel obliged to help me, either…"

"Is that so?" Shizuru asked, looking a little put out. "Well, I'd like to help, but-"

"I'd like you to help!" I said hurriedly. I remembered myself, speaking more quietly again. "It's really useful, and it makes things a lot more fun. But you don't have to feel obliged… that's all I'm saying."

"Aren't you being a little hypocritical, Natsuki?" Mai asked lightly. "It all works out okay, doesn't it?"

I pushed my hair over my ear. "Maybe, but there are things you want to say, and things it isn't necessary to say. Or something."

Mai looked blank for a moment. "That didn't make a lot of sense."

Shizuru chuckled. "Shall we just say that thanking someone can become an obligation in itself? And perhaps Natsuki is uncomfortable with obligations."

"That's not exactly it," I said, pouting.

"In any case, I appreciate your concern," Shizuru said. "But I want to help you. It's cute watching you wrestle with problems."

"That doesn't really comfort me," I said rigidly.

Mai just smiled and turned back to Tate again. What the hell's up with that, anyway?

"In any case," Shizuru said, looking down seriously. "I'm sorry I raised a troublesome subject. That was careless of me, and we can discuss it more later."

"What, the revision thing? It's no big-" I caught her expression, and almost stumbled over my words, "deal." I frowned at her. "It's fine. Don't worry about it. But I'd like to talk about it, yeah."

That seemed kind of obvious, though, so I tried to think of something else to say. "Oh, and how about you?" I asked abruptly. "What were you doing all this time?"

"What, I wonder?" Shizuru asked, mock forgetful. She ate a mouthful of rice.

"You'd better answer plainly. Were you with Reito?"

"I wasn't."

"You were, weren't you?"

"That's unfair, Natsuki."

"Then what?"

"That's a secret."

And after a while, we finished, and everyone dispersed again. I followed Shizuru, stopping and looking up at her when she turned to face me. "What's up?"

Shizuru touched my shoulder with two fingers, looking at me. She smiled. "Can I borrow you for a few minutes?"

It's little enough, but it's her touch. Ridiculous that such a simple thing should move me. "Fine," I said, trying to sound haughty. "I don't have anything else to do."

"Thank you." Shizuru turned and walked on, forcing me to catch up. When I drew even with her, though, her eyes were sad and her smile was warm. If that was a contradiction, then it was a haunting one.

When we reached our rooms, though, she stopped next to mine, not hers. "Is this okay?" Shizuru asked, touching the door with her free hand.

Her long brown hair spilled down her white dress, making her look older than she really was. It's difficult to work out her mature and childish side.

"It's fine," I said, trying to sound casual. In spite of myself, this gives me a strange feeling. I hope no one saw us… there's something about that furtiveness in itself that excites.

Shizuru opened the door, stepping in, then waited for me to do the same. When I did so, she closed the door after me. "Sorry to intrude," she said, rather unnecessarily formally in the circumstances.

It occurred to me, from her words and her bearing, that she might even be nervous. So instead of sitting properly I sprawled across my futon, looking up at her with my hands behind me, propping me up. "Not at all. But, aren't we being a little careless like this?"

Shizuru stepped forwards, sitting opposite me. In seiza, of course, but her hands lingered, uncertain of where to place themselves. They ended rather awkwardly by her side. "It's probably a necessary risk," Shizuru said. "Or, rather, I want to talk to you. I've been rather unfair."

"Have you?" I asked casually.

"I have." Shizuru's hands slipped upwards, gripping her knees. "My earlier outburst was wrong of me, and… I'm not being fair to you, after yesterday. Natsuki deserves more."

I leaned back, regarding her seriously. "Well, I'm not going to disagree. But before you say anything else, it's not like I don't understand your reasons. You have a lot more to worry about than I do, so it's natural. Maybe I was the reckless one, charging into this so quickly."

"Not at all," Shizuru said urgently, shaking her head. "You did the right thing. And I love you." She broke off, looking vulnerable. "You know that, right?"

"Of course," I said. "Yesterday, these last few weeks, and before that too. Do you think I'm stupid?"

"Well, sometimes I was afraid you saw that as self-justification…" Shizuru fiddled with the fold of her skirt, forcing a smile. "I thought that might even be true as well. Is that silly of me, after all?"

I sighed, closing my eyes briefly. "You know, you're talking to me. It never even crossed my mind, and I'm not just saying that. I seriously mean it."

Shizuru chuckled weakly. "I think that's a good thing. Probably."

"Anyway, I know you love me," I said, trying not to blush.

If she's uncertain, I have to be certain. If she's fearful I have to be fearless. I have to smile when she's sad. That feels backwards when I'd rather share in her emotions, but that's what protecting someone means.

"My love, such as it is, has misapplied itself in various ways," Shizuru said, before stopping and starting again. "Well, aside from the more obvious things, you probably know right now I'm worried, especially about my parents. It's making me really afraid."

"I do know," I said. "I should have considered that. And you shouldn't feel forced into anything… especially something risky like this. Remember last time?"

"Last time's why I have to do this," Shizuru said, with her usual mind-bending yet impeccable logic.

"If you think best. But I'm fine with whatever you want." I took a breath. "I'm fine with waiting, too. If you don't want to risk it, that's fine. Though, I don't want to break things off-"

"You shouldn't think of that," Shizuru said urgently. "Or waiting, either. It's too cruel." Her fingers moved inwards, twisting together. Perhaps a prayer? "I've already made you experience a lot of hard things, so-"

"It's fine," I said, more firmly. It was a sacrifice to say that, but that's fine. You have to make sacrifices. "I made you wait for so long, right? For the longest time, I didn't understand anything, and I treated you badly. Even after the Carnival-"

Shizuru shook her head. "That was completely different!"

"It wasn't," I said shortly. "And that's me saying that."

"Even so, it wasn't the same," Shizuru said, frowning. "You shouldn't say things like that."

"Should too."

"But-"

I giggled. "Yeah, this is pretty silly. Just what are we arguing about, anyway?"

Shizuru smiled. "I suppose so," she admitted gently. "Not much at all."

"But, I can still wait," I said, a little more convincingly this time. "I was so wrapped up in my own situation I forgot about your own. I guess you could say I took your consent for granted, which was reckless of me. But, I understand."

I smiled at her, feeling very ambiguous. I don't want you to accept my most sincere pleas, something that leaves me feeling conflicted to say the least.

"You're not at fault for any of those things," Shizuru said. "Under the circumstances, Natsuki, you should follow what you want without considering me. It's only fair."

"That's some weird fair," I said cynically. "And do you really want that anyway?" I looked at her, and somehow she felt too far away. This was an awkward way to sit, after all. "I know I don't. Or, rather… I lost my family, but I still know family is important. In your place, I'd hate to take a risk."

Shizuru shook her heard. "You're very understanding." She smiled suddenly. "Or does that count as a 'you're so kind' comment?"

"Definitely," I said, focusing on her eyes. "You aren't allowed to say stuff like that, remember?"

She brushed her hair back. Her hands, again. "Sorry about that," she said, with a trace of her usual wry humour. "You know, I'm trying." She leaned forwards slightly. "It's not easy, though I'm not asking for anything by that. I don't want to dismiss what you say or upset you."

"I know," I said, smiling. "I can tell." I pulled myself forwards, sitting like she did and bringing my face closer to hers. This is tentative, awkward, nerve-wracking, and that's just our motions. The words are still harder.

"But, about my parents, I still have so many fears. Selfishly, I still want to be an innocent child to them." Shizuru put her hands on her knees, looking serious. "But, I don't want to sacrifice your feelings either. What should I do?"

"What, you ask," I said uncertainly. It's criminal that I should be expected to hold the most serious and important conversations in my life with someone who makes me strung tight just by being there. "Whatever you want. I'll support you, so you don't need to worry so much…"

"But I don't just want to be selfish," Shizuru said. "I want to be good for you. A good girlfriend to you, and anything else you want."

"Then you can make me happy," I said playfully. "That's to say, do what'll make you happy. They're the same thing."

Her eyes, her lips, her pale skin fascinate me. My eyes focus on her, trying to pick out every detail.

"But that's selfish," Shizuru began, before frowning. "Or else, how can I happy with that? Even if you say such a thing, I know you'll have it tough inside, so-"

She fell silent as my hand touched her knee, my fingers brushing over hers. "You know, sometimes you talk too much," I said, smiling softly.

Despite my cool words, it felt hard to breathe. Even such a simple contact was electric, ruining my pulse. My heart jumped when her fingers laced themselves into mine.

Shizuru recovered herself enough to give me a slight smile. "Sorry," she said. Her free hand reached out, touching briefly on my knee before slipping upwards, brushing over my stomach, circling my breast. I flushed when she touched my shoulder, deep in her eyes. And so totally aware of her.

It's so unfair that she can do so much to me with so little.

"I'll find a way," Shizuru promised. "Somehow." Then she leaned forwards and kissed me.

The blanket beneath my feet caught as I slid my leg back. Red lips, red eyes, bearing down on me. I was suffocating, and for a moment deep revulsion and fear struck me. My whole body tensed as my hands snapped up to push her away-

"Natsuki?" Shizuru asked uncertainly, pulling back slightly.

I threw my arms around her, pulling her closer to me and resting my chin on her shoulder. Don't let go. I can't let go. I'll break her if I shove her out of reach.

Her body is surprisingly fragile, or it feels like that, pressed against mine. She's frozen for a moment before she returns my embrace.

I looked past her, barely seeing anything, and held on while those emotions receded. This is warm, gentle, kind. Everything I wanted. So, why do I have to see that now?

"I'm sorry for everything," Shizuru repeated.

"I love you," I replied, barely louder than a whisper.

"Me too. I love you too."

I stayed there for a moment longer, taking a deep breath, then pulled away and looked into her face. "So let's take things slowly," I suggested, smiling at her. "And enjoy it all, okay?"

Shizuru glanced at me for a long moment, then smiled and nodded. "I'll find a way," she repeated softly. "Definitely."

"I'll be waiting."

Our love is crammed like this, into flawed and hidden moments here and there, for as long as we're alone, for as long as we can hold out. But, perhaps, that's also fine. We'll change this world day by day and second by second.

* * *

My dreams were knotted and tangled, drawn from staring at the ceiling, hearing my own breath and wondering at hers, just out of sight and out of reach. Well, I had a lot to think about. And while the details elude me in the morning, and I can feel what I dreamed. Her warmth, her comfort, her own vulnerability and all the passion I feel. Her strength and cold regard, a demon's eyes all around me. I'm pulled apart by that contradiction and left now, after sleep without sleep, stretched inside by my dreams and exhausted. Even when I was semi-concious, I hugged my pillow and tried to draw myself back into the warmth of sleep.

Or perhaps I was just being lazy, as I've never been good at getting up in the morning.

Even so, I might have rested for a bit longer if someone hadn't kicked me in the midriff. I pushed myself up, staring upwards.

Shiho stared back impassively. "Get up."

"What the hell are you doing here?" I demanded weakly, rubbing my stomach. "I'll kick your ass!"

"Shizuru-san's been working very hard," Shiho said. "I got tired of waiting."

I gave up on trying to work that one out and lunged at the girl, but she stepped effortlessly out of range. "Damnit! Get back here!"

"Just get up and make yourself decent already," Shiho said, from her new secure position. "You're a mess, and you snore too. It's a bother."

"Why, you-" I forced myself up, charging towards her, but she ran back, sliding through an open door. "What the hell are you trying to achieve?" I demanded, sticking my head round the door. "And stop running, you coward?"

Shiho stuck her tongue out at me, before fleeing down the corridor. I considered giving chase before remembering why running through the house in my underwear might be a really bad idea.

"Kuga-san?" Hideko asked, looking puzzled. She turned to regard me, some of Shizuru's clothes in hand. "You're up?"

I nodded, retreating slightly for decency's sake. "Right. What time is it, though?"

Hideko checked her watch. "Eight thirty-four."

"That's really damn early," I complained vocally. "She's so dead the next time I get my hands on her…"

"If you're going to prepare for the day now, I can help you," Hideko said. "I'll just put these back in their proper place first. Give me a moment."

"You don't need to feel obliged," I said, to little avail. I sighed, returning to my room and washing my face. What the hell, Shiho? Does she think she's going to survive this?

"Sorry for the wait," Hideko said, after no time at all. "Shall I help you dress?"

"No thanks," I said. "I'm fine with my old clothes again."

Hideko was already at the wardrobe. "I'm sorry, but they're dirty," she said. "We'll clean them and return them at the earliest possible moment, of course."

"Dirty?" I said. "That's nonsense! I haven't worn them for more than a few days…"

Hideko turned, holding up my jeans. Complete with very visible grass stains.

I sighed. "Fine. Do what you like."

"Thank you for your trust," Hideko said, turning back to the wardrobe. "Give me a few moments."

I'm getting way too used to being almost completely undressed around her. Come to that… "Do you do this with Shizuru?" I asked suspiciously.

"You mean dressing her?" Hideko asked, sounding puzzled. "That's one of my most important functions."

"Yes, but, when you do that, is she also practically naked?"

"Of course. It's of little significance."

"Oh, really?" I said sarcastically.

"How about this dress?" Hideko asked, holding one up. "The blue goes well with your hair."

"It's a bit bright, isn't it?" I asked dubiously. "And the skirt looks kinda short…"

"It suits you," Hideko averred confidently. "This is a rare chance, too. Ojou-sama does not really suit blue."

I sighed. "Well, fine. If you think so." I folded my arms. "More importantly, is Shizuru up to something?"

"Ojou-sama? Not that I know," Hideko replied. "She got up about an hour ago, though, so I couldn't say for sure."

"What's with the endless unreasonable mornings?" I demanded, rubbing my eyes again.

"I wouldn't know," Hideko said diplomatically, stepping purposefully towards me. As I'd feared, there wasn't any escape, and I ended up looking a lot girlier than I like at the end of it.

This is happening a lot more than I'd like.

When I reached the lounge, I was surprised to find Shizuru holding court with Reito, Mikoto, and a Shiho who gave me a smug look. She was sitting next to Shizuru, and earned herself a glare that clearly indicated the postponement rather than the abandonment of her execution.

"Good morning, Natsuki," Shizuru said brightly.

"Morning," I said, glancing suspiciously between her and Reito. Whenever those two talk, she always ends up thinking of something strange. It really irritates me.

"Oh? This is surprisingly early, Natsuki-san," Reito said, smiling. "A pleasant surprise."

"Not really," I said, shooting another glare at Shiho. I collapsed onto one of the chairs, leaning back and breathing deeply. "So when's breakfast?"

"Soon," Shizuru assured me. "In the meantime, we've been talking about an idea of mine. Yesterday went well, so I thought it might be good if we all went out together again. This time to the city, though."

"Oh?" I asked. "Well, I didn't have anything else planned."

Shizuru chuckled. "Thank you for your ringing endorsement."

"Another time," I said, blinking the sleep away. "I'm not at my best right now."

"Oh? Are you okay, Natsuki?" Shizuru asked, looking concerned.

"I'm fine," I said dismissively, glancing at her. "More importantly, how about you? Didn't you get up way too early today?"

"Perhaps, but I'm well-rested," Shizuru said. "I'm well enough."

Yep, it seemed like she was in a good mood and good health today. For whatever reason.

"I got up earlier!" Mikoto said enthusiastically. "I was the one who woke Ani and Shiho, too! Aren't they lucky?"

"Very," I said, glancing at Shiho. Hmm. So was it revenge, then? But I wasn't the one who did it, already.

"This is an aside, of course," Reito said. "But you look very good, Natsuki-san."

I snorted. "I look ridiculous. Enough with the random compliments."

"Not at all," Shizuru said. "It looks very good on you."

"Though under the circumstances, it's hard to say whether the dress flatters Natsuki-san, or whether she flatters the dress," Reito said lightly. I glared at him.

"Hmm. You have a point," Shizuru agreed amicably.

Hey, I'm your girlfriend who he's staring at, right? Don't be happy about it!

I folded my arms. "Whatever. The dress isn't important. Have you talked to the others yet?"

Shizuru shook her head. "They're still asleep, of course."

I snorted. "Great. So why haven't you guys woken everyone up?"

"Because we don't need to," Shiho said. "We have everyone we really need now, don't we? After that, it's just telling them about this." She gave me a sly look.

"I sure don't feel like I'm an important member of the team," I said dismissively. "Maybe I should go back to bed."

"On the contrary, you're vital," Reito said.

"I doubt that," I said, sighing. "Besides, is this really okay? Do we really have time for this?"

"It should be fine," Shizuru said. "Don't you want to have some more fun, too?"

"I have no objection," I said sleepily. "Well, I guess everything else will keep."

Shizuru giggled. "That isn't what you said yesterday, but I'm not objecting."

"Same to you."

And yesterday we kissed again, confessed our love again, but today is still another day. I know there's no meaning in constantly flaunting affection, but it would be nice to know that I could if I wanted to.

As for my memories, the less said the better. But I certainly can't fear Shizuru's darker past self in the light of day, amongst other people.

"Naturally, the Fujino have risen long since, and are already attending to their respective work," Reito said conversationally. "They definitely work hard."

"Whatever makes them happy," I said. "I don't envy them, myself, for all that work."

"If we're going to the city, though, Okasama can't come," Shizuru said. "It really isn't practical, especially in crowds. And Otousama has already gone to work. I have Okasama's permission for us to go, though. We'll be on our own all day."

"I see. Hopefully no one tries to kill us this time," I said dryly. "That wouldn't be fun."

"Hmm. And in the matter of weapons, Shizuru-san?" Reito asked, glancing at her. "Might prudence be advisable?"

"I'd agree," Shizuru said. "And for precisely that reason, please don't bring your katana."

"Well, quite. Understood, Mikoto?"

"But it might be dangerous!" Mikoto protested.

"We're probably simply being paranoid," Reito assured her. "Regardless, many of us are strong."

"I can't protect anyone without a weapon, though," Mikoto protested. "If there is danger, even if it is us, what are we going to do?"

"It'll be fine," Shiho said, giving Reito a dirty look. "Well, say… we're good at hide and seek, aren't we? So we can just hide from the enemy instead of killing them."

"But Shiho is really bad at hide and seek," Mikoto protested.

"I'm not that bad, damnit!"

I smirked. "It's fine. We'll take care of it."

"Bold words," Reito remarked. "Well, I'll doubt that they'll be tested."

"I hope not," Shizuru said softly. "But I've been wondering whether the current circumstances might be regarded as provocative by the surv… our possible enemies."

"Hmm. I hadn't considered that," Reito mused. "It's not impossible."

"It's fine," I said dismissively. "I haven't heard anything. Even then, we just have to win."

"We shouldn't be careless, though," Reito said. "And now is a good time to discuss things. Mai-chan wouldn't want to talk of it."

"Well, I understand your concern," Shizuru said. "But being arrested for possessing a weapon in suspicious circumstances isn't an ideal outcome either."

"This is nonsense." Shiho folded her arms, staring down at the floor. "Why the hell do we still have to worry about this stuff?"

"Don't worry," Mikoto said brightly. "I'll protect you, Shiho!"

"I didn't ask for protection!" Shiho snapped, scowling. "Why the hell do we even have to talk about this at all? Haven't we already gone through enough?"

There was an awkward silence for a few moments before Shizuru spoke. "Don't worry," she said belatedly. "They'll probably be after me alone, not you."

Shiho have her a guilty look. "No, I meant all of us, not just me-"

"Natsuki's right, though," Mikoto said. "We just have to win!"

"Exactly," I said forcefully. "Because we've already gone through a lot, there's no way I'll tolerate anything else. Either way, forget it. Have you thought about what time we'll go, Shizuru?"

"Provisionally, yes," Shizuru began. "It depends on when the others get up, though."

This conversation is awkward precisely because Shiho isn't wrong. I wonder how many years will pass before I can once again live in a secure and certain world. Perhaps the answer is "for as long as I'm involved with Shizuru" but in that case, I'll just have to take my chances. I'm still not someone who surrenders to fear, either.


	58. Chapter 58

**Windows of the Soul: Part Fifty-Eight**

Just to forewarn everyone, I'm feeling pretty rough right now. I don't want to end up like Shizuru did, especially when she had better reasons, too. So, the next update may be delayed a little, depending on how I feel.

* * *

"I take it you have the maps, Reito-san?" I asked, glancing at him.

"Of course. Leave that to me," Reito said reassuringly.

"Are you really sure it's okay for you to be paying for things?" Mai asked. "That's really not right-"

"Please don't think that," I said, giving her a reassuring smile. "We'd take it as a favour."

"I can't see how it's a favour," Mai said, sounding dubious.

"They're stupidly, ridiculously rich!" Shiho said, folding her arms. "They'd have to burn it otherwise! Don't question it, it's not like it means anything."

"Hey, that's really rude," Mai said.

"Please don't think that, either," I said, putting my hands together. "It tends to draw attention to awkward facts, such as her being completely right."

"That doesn't mean we can take your kindness for granted, though," Mai said. "I'll keep a note of everything, and pay it back."

"You shouldn't do that. It makes me feel very irresponsible," I said, with an element of honestly.

How would you say it? Money is like murder, I suppose. As the numbers go up, they start to mean less and less.

"We can discuss this later," Natsuki said, stretching idly. "Have fun first. That's fine, isn't it?"

"I suppose so," Mai said doubtfully.

And I've experienced both those things first hand. But I can't afford to think of such things now. "In any case, Reito-san and I have already discussed some possible destinations," I said. "But I'd rather make a start now and decide definitively when we get there. Any objections?"

"Can we go to the castle?" Mikoto asked.

I nodded. "I'm sure that would be possible."

"And also the swordsmiths, too!" Mikoto said. "I want to look at all their work! I've heard a lot about the smiths of Kyoto."

I gave her a bemused look. "We'll see what we can do. No, Reito?"

"Of course. I have some interest myself," Reito said.

"And I should have Ubasti looked at, too!" Mikoto said abruptly, looking at me. "She's probably worn after so much time, because she's not as strong as Miroku. I do my best, but she has to be properly maintained. It might be a good idea."

"Are you trying to find another reason to bring her?" Reito asked, ruffling her hair affectionately. "Don't worry. We won't need her."

"Who's Ubasti, anyway?" Shiho asked, folding her arms and pouting irritably.

"She has a point, though," Natsuki said thoughtfully. "If you want a decent excuse for bringing your katana, you could probably get away with that. It'll do."

"What do you think?" Reito asked, glancing at me.

I frowned. "The principle is sound, but though I'm not the one who said say this, I do find it hard to relax while carrying a very visible lethal weapon."

"That's silly. You won't die if you bring your sword, but you might die if you don't," Mikoto pointed out stubbornly. "So, shouldn't you be more relaxed with it?"

"It's not necessary to carry weapons everywhere, Mikoto," Mai said, folding her arms. "It's not polite, either."

"Besides, Shizuru has her tanto," Natsuki said. "She's not completely unarmed."

"Really?" Mai asked, shooting me a dirty look.

I raised my hands, smiling innocently. "Sorry. But, I'm feeling a little paranoid right now…"

"Of course. I'd forgotten. I'm very sorry about that."

"It's a fair criticism," I said. "Don't worry about it."

"So, it's fine, then?" Mikoto said. "I can fetch her in a second, so just wait here!"

"Wait, Mikoto," Reito said. "It might be better not to, after all."

"But, Ani," Mikoto protested, fidgeting on her feet.

"Consider it a form of training," Reito suggested. "Protecting the people you care about without using your sword. Then it's fine, right?"

Mikoto cocked her head for a second, then nodded. "Okay. If it's Ani who says so, then it's fine."

"Well, I'm glad that's resolved," Mai said. "Is there anything else, Shizuru-san?"

I shook my head thoughtfully. "I don't think so, no. We're prepared enough to go."

I was surprised to see Okasama waiting for us by the door, Saaya by her side. Perhaps I shouldn't have been, though.

"So, you're setting off?" Okasama asked, smiling pleasantly.

"How long have you two been waiting here?" Natsuki asked cynically.

"Not for long, but for another reason," Saaya said.

Okasama smiled and nodded. "We're expecting someone, actually. There are worse times to get out of the house."

I frowned. "Nothing too significant, I hope?"

"It's already well in hand," Okasama said. "Nothing you need to worry about, Shizuru. Just have fun today, that's all I ask."

I nodded, smiling. "Thank you."

"And that goes for the rest of you, as well," she said. "I hope you have an enjoyable time."

"I'm sure we will," Mai said. "Don't worry about us."

"Then I'll bid you good day for now," Okasama said. "But I'll borrow Shizuru for a few moments, first. She'll catch up to you."

I stopped, turning back as the others walked on. "Can I do anything, Ka-sama?"

"Only what I just said," Okasama said, smiling at me. "I'm glad you're involved with everyone, though. It's very reassuring."

I nodded, waiting patiently.

"In any case, what I was going to say is that I've arranged for you to have a little more ready spending money in your account than normal," Okasama said. "Just in case."

I bowed my head slightly. "Thank you very much. You're too kind… though I'm sure Mai-chan wouldn't approve."

Okasama giggled. "Am I spoiling you? But it's really my selfishness, after all."

"Then I'll try to be unselfish myself," I replied. "We'll see how things go."

"And if you get the chance, Shizuru, could you do me a small favour?" Okasama asked.

I nodded. "Of course. What do you want me to do?"

"If you get the chance today, please do everything you power to have Natsuki-chan measured for a bespoke kimono," Okasama said. "And order one, too, if you can get her to agree to it. Even if the price is two to four million yen, I'll be perfectly happy with that. It can be our present to her for saving your life."

"Though Viola just wants to see her in her own kimono," Saaya said. "But we have to sell it to Natsuki-chan, now don't we?"

Just how much money did she give me? Sometimes I do feel downright guilty of my personal circumstances.

But, she _did _save my life. Right? If that's what Okasama wants, it's fine, as Natsuki always knows what she wants. So I just nodded. "I'll see what I can do, though it may require some sleight of hand. And taking pains to conceal the real price."

"We're counting on you," Saaya said lightly.

I nodded. "Is that everything?"

"More or less," Okasama said. "But don't forget to make sure you and Natsuki have fun as well. I'm not imposing any burden on you, so just enjoy the day."

I smiled and nodded. "I'll do that, certainly. I'll go, then, as the others are waiting."

Okasama nodded. "Bye."

I turned and pushed the door open, stepping outside. It was another beautiful day.

"That took a while," Natsuki said. She was leaning against the side of the house, but pushed herself up and walked forwards. "Shall we?"

I blinked. "How long were you waiting?"

"Not too long," Natsuki said dismissively. She glanced at me. "And before you ask, I didn't hear anything. So, what's with that weirdly guilty expression?"

I looked away, trying to sound innocent. "Oh, nothing. I was just worried I'd left you bored."

"Hey, it wasn't that long," Natsuki said. "Are you insulting my attention span?"

"Not at all."

"Well, it sure sounds like it," she said doubtfully.

"Okasama's just fretting again," I said reassuringly. "She's a little like me in that respect."

Natsuki snorted, nodding. "Right? I've noticed that, as well. You have a perpetual-apology gene. Drives me nuts."

"It's not deliberate, but these things just happen," I said. "I'm sorry about that."

Natsuki smirked. "I'm sure."

"I quite like the idea of it being a gene, though," I said innocently. "It's absolves me of responsibility."

"Ha. Whatever the reason, I'm not going to let you off the hook," Natsuki retorted.

"Natsuki is cruel," I teased, touching my cheek and smiling at her. "But… thanks for waiting."

Natsuki flushed cutely, turning away. "Not really. It's not like we can go until you've come anyway. Besides, I told you, didn't I? I hate cars."

I giggled. "Yes, yes…"

"So don't go thinking strange things," Natsuki said, but she smiled slightly. It felt more like she was playing along, rather than really being upset. It's a little nostalgic.

It's also rather strange to look at her face. Last night… I guess I got carried away. But she doesn't seem to mind. Or, rather, did she like it? I'm not sure, but perhaps that's the right thing to think. I mean, she didn't protest, right? Or was she holding herself back?

"What's up?" Natsuki asked, poking a vague finger at me. "Thoughtful face."

"Nothing much," I said, smiling at her as I stepped into the car. "It'll keep."

"You're being mysterious again," Natsuki said dubiously, following me.

I did up my seat belt, looking around. Reito nodded, while Shiho simply glanced at me from the front seat. Perhaps it would be better to guard our conversation for now. Well, I just have to wait a little longer.

Though it must be said, in a world than ran by logic Shiho would be the one on the middle seat. As it was, I was squashed between Natsuki and Reito, and thereby lost as much as I gained. I tried to shift subtly towards Natsuki, and so move the balance in my favour.

Well, I'm always open to seize any opportunity. If I don't think there will be consequences.

"Have you taken care of everything with Viola-san?" Reito asked, glancing at me.

"Well, she wasn't raising a serious issue," I said, regarding him. He has mischievous eyes right now, of course. He's very good at that. "Mostly just to wish me a good day again."

"I see," Reito said, as we started off. "She's a very kind woman."

"She's neurotic, if you don't mind me saying so," Natsuki said. "But I suppose that's also kindness."

"You shouldn't say that," Shiho said reproachfully. "She takes good care of us."

"I know, I know," Natsuki said dismissively. "Don't take it too seriously."

"It's fine," I said. "I'm not offended when it's a legitimate charge. One I think Natsuki appreciates too."

I was a little surprised at Shiho, though. Perhaps Okasama had taken an interest in her… or was that simply Shiho's reaction to her usual self?

"Be fair, though," Natsuki said. "It wasn't so great at first. They've warmed up a lot, however I look at it."

"That's all thanks to your hard work," I said. "I'm very grateful to you. In a more normal time, this can be a deceptively lonely place. This makes a refreshing change, I imagine."

"Tough at the top, huh?" Natsuki asked, looking out of the window. "Well, I don't mind either. They're not so bad. More your mother than your father, though."

I chuckled. "I wonder about that."

"But would I be wrong in saying that Natsuki-san's valour was also important?" Reito asked. "You're very brave."

"I've said this until I'm blue in the face," Natsuki said tiredly. "I did what I had to. It's not so much valour as common-sense."

"Whatever you call it, we appreciate it," I replied.

"Thank me by being more careful in future," Natsuki said. "Don't make me worry again."

I nodded. "Of course. I'll do what I can."

"That protective side of your personality is also very commendable," Reito noted.

"I just don't like being worried," Natsuki said dismissively.

"That's also appreciated, regardless," I said playfully.

And so I'm worried. Day by day, they approve of you more. It's not hard to see that. I should expect no less of your strength and sincerity. But the problem is that makes the stakes higher. If they hated you, perhaps, this would be just a little easier for me, in a strange way. I could clearly prioritise. But, cynical as I am, I don't want to break that connection. Fear, presumably. Or compassion?

So I come to taking various steps, with my best attempt at optimism. I will see what I can do, indeed.

In the meantime, I had people to manage responsibly. We arrived as conveniently as possible, close to a bus station, and Reito was dully dispatched to buy one-day sightseeing cards. After he set off, with a "victim-me" expression on his face, I turned to face the others. This would take a little more care, of course. "I take it this is the first time here for a lot of you?" I asked delicately.

"Well, we wondered around a bit," Mai said. "We kinda got lost, though."

"We weren't lost," Tate said firmly. "That's misleading. We just took a few detours, that's all."

Mai smirked, waving a hand dismissively. "Yes, yes. And you totally intended to walk into the Gion district. I thought you said you didn't want to visit all the stuffy, traditional places?"

"Shut up," Tate said. "That tour was interesting, you said so too!"

"Perhaps. But I'm worried by your sudden interest in geisha."

"Geiko," I corrected automatically. "But in any case, it's interesting. I believe Okasama hires them from time to time."

"Really?" Mai asked. "Will we get to see one, perhaps?"

"Hey, you know," Tate began tiredly. "That's pretty hypocritical…"

"We'll see," I said evasively. "And everyone else?"

"Well, I've also walked around," Natsuki said dismissively. "I can manage."

"And I'm the same," I agreed, glad she'd used the right tone. "I know of a tourist office close by, so we'll go and buy guidebooks for everyone. If the rest of you can wait here, that would be convenient…"

Well, perhaps not the subtlest thing I've ever said. But it will do.

Mai nodded, giving me a slightly amused look. "If you say so, then fine. We'll wait."

I nodded. "Shall we, Natsuki?"

"It can't be helped, I guess," Natsuki said, with a nonchalance which did her far too much credit. "Fine."

I lead her down the street I didn't actually know first-hand but had researched, looking thoughtfully ahead. Now, how to phrase this, so it wasn't strange?

"Hey," Natsuki said. "Why me? You need someone to carry everything?"

I gave her a thoughtful look, which she returned impassively, but with a certain glance. Perhaps she's also less than fooled. "In part," I said. "But more importantly, I thought I'd better tell you this first. Just in case you're upset by it."

"Sounds scary," Natsuki said, sounding completely unfazed. "What is it?"

"Well, if I can possibly arrange it, I thought we could split up," I said nervously. "And, perhaps, we could go together. Just us two."

"You mean like a date?" Natsuki said casually.

I looked around apprehensively, but no one was giving us strange looks. "Well; basically," I admitted. "If we can get the others to agree. And if you don't mind, too, of course."

"No. Sounds fun to me," Natsuki said. She smiled. "Why are you so embarrassed?"

"I'm not embarrassed," I said, feeling my cheeks warm in spite of my words. "I just wasn't sure if you'd agree, or whether this is too rude, so-"

"You know, this is right up there was my doubts a few days ago," Natsuki said. "It's a great idea, so don't act like it's something to be ashamed of."

"Well, that's rather the problem," I said candidly. "I haven't given up on trying to hide things from my parents."

Which, to say the least, is a little selfish of me. She should at least tell me that.

"Sure," Natsuki said. "So that's why you arranged this big outing? It's cover, or something?"

Somehow, it almost upsets me, how understanding she can be. Shouldn't she be a little more reasonably unreasonable?

"Quite," I said, trying to sound more confident and normal. "It's simple but effective. And I suspect this is also what Mai-chan and Tate-kun want, as well…"

"And Reito?" Natsuki asked, sounding amused.

"Will presumably take care of his sister and her friend," I explained. "If things turn out perfectly."

"Always the sacrifice, huh?" Natsuki asked. "I shouldn't find that funny, but it's pretty hard not to do so."

"He enjoys taking care of Mikoto, now, as far as I know," I said. "So hopefully he won't have too many objections."

We reached the tourist information office, stepping inside. It was packed, mostly with foreigners. Well, I suppose it is that time of year.

And truthfully, this isn't exactly how I want to return his favours, such as they were. But that can't be helped. Besides, if he's serious about wanting to help and support us, he wouldn't object.

"Sounds fine to me," Natsuki said. "Have you mentioned it to any of the others."

I shook my head. "No. I thought I should warn you first. And though I suspect Reito at least might guess, I'm worried the others will object or arrange a different situation." I slipped through the crowd and tried to browse the racks, finding something in Japanese.

"You worry too much," Natsuki said, looking at me. "Reito and Mai will probably get it. Maybe even Tate. And they can manage the other two pretty well."

"Do you really think so?" I asked.

"Well, of course. It's not like they don't know. We know each other too well, and that huge house is still too small." Natsuki shrugged. "They won't object. It's not like anyone hates us, as far as I know. Well, I don't know what Tate or Reito think, but who cares?"

"I suppose so," I said glumly. I found a decent looking general guide. Hmm. Perhaps I should bring just three, in a suggestive way? Or would that be too obvious?

"Right," Natsuki agreed.

I flipped through it, checking the map. "What about Mai?"

Natsuki shrugged. "She kinda supported me… well, she's a romance-filled idiot at times, so it's all pretty simple for her."

"Is that so?" I have to wonder at whether she really found it so easy, knowing what she knows. But, after all, she is a good person.

I was careful to consider how to broach the subject with the others while I was walking back. Even if they understand, if I'm too obvious or too impolite that would be bad. Objectively, I'm using them, after all, so they might well be offended. It's best to think carefully, though I was having a hard time settling on anything.

"Hey, guys," Natsuki said. "We have them."

I looked up, blinking. We're here already? So, let's see. I haven't decided anything yet.

"Here," she added, handing them out. "And by the way, we were thinking. We're a pretty big group, so it might be easier if we split up. Especially with all the different interests, right? Tate hates temples, Shizuru dreams of them… all that."

Reito smiled, giving me a knowing look. "That's not a bad idea. Though it's immodest of me to say so as I said the same thing just now."

"Really?" I asked, feeling a little off-balance. "That's a coincidence."

"Any objections?" Natsuki asked.

"That sounds good to me," Mai said. "If you think it's okay."

"I'll go with Ani, right?" Mikoto asked, looking expectantly up at her brother. "That's the polite thing to do, he says."

Shiho sighed, shrugging her shoulders. "Fine. Whatever. But we're going to the Manga Museum, Mikoto. And the shrines, too. How could I not visit them if I have the chance?"

"And I'll go with Shizuru," Natsuki said directly. "I've seen the temples, so I'll drag her somewhere else."

Reito nodded. "So, we're all agreed? Then where shall we meet up?"

"Here at five?" Natsuki suggested. "Well, we can phone each other if we want to go earlier or later than that. Best to go together, though. It's less trouble for them."

Mai nodded. "Right. With all these buses, even a certain someone will be able to find his way back here."

"Yes, yes," Tate said tiredly. "I'll be relying on you for navigation this time, then!"

"Don't sulk," Mai said. "It's childish."

"Not at all. I'm counting on you, Captain Mai."

"So everything's worked out," Reito said. He stepped forwards. "Here. Your tickets."

"Thank you," I replied automatically, taking it.

"Right," Natsuki said. "Then let's go. Here at five, remember?"

Mikoto nodded. "And I'll tell Kaichou all about the interesting swords!"

"Well, thank you," I said, smiling. We waved and dispersed, walking in different directions and leaving me in a pensive mood.

"See, I told you so," Natsuki said after a few moments. "No problems at all."

"That did go very smoothly," I admitted. "So much so it worries me."

"You just think too much," Natsuki said. "Like I said, they all knew anyway. And you shouldn't overestimate your own cleverness, either, okay?" She smirked. "This is also just normal."

I sighed, rubbing my forehead. "You're right, of course, though it's a little embarrassing to admit it. Reito didn't really surprise me either, I suppose. But, I'll admit, I was taken off-guard by your eloquence." I glanced at her, smiling sheepishly. "It makes me feel a little redundant."

"Hey, it's not like I thought of the idea, even if I called it normal," Natsuki said, glancing at me. "Perhaps I just trust you too much. Besides, if my mind's made up about something, I can handle things well."

"Is that so?" I asked.

"That's so," Natsuki said matter-of-factly.

"I'm flattered," I said, only half-facetiously.

"In any case, this is our first date, right?" Natsuki asked audibly. "Well, depending on how you count that other time, I guess…"

She was talking louder than I'd like, but I didn't have the heart to correct her. "You mean when we were attacked?"

Natsuki nodded. "Exactly. In retrospect, that had a pretty date-like atmosphere, right?"

I suppose it's acceptable. After all, Natsuki is making sacrifices for me. "Perhaps, but I tried not to think if that way," I said. "I'd feel guilty."

"Ah, but did you succeed in that?" Natsuki asked playfully.

"Mostly," I said.

Natsuki chuckled. "Exactly. But enough worrying about that. What are we going to do first?"

I blinked and stopped. "Actually, I'd forgotten about that."

"Really?" Natsuki asked. "So, where are we going now?"

I touched my lip. "I'm not actually sure. I was too preoccupied with pulling this off to actually think about it."

Natsuki giggled. "Idiot. Though I suppose I'm no better, after following you out here. So, what do you suggest?"

I flicked through the guidebook, while Natsuki moved closer and leaned over my shoulder to look at it. "Hmm… you've done the central area, right?"

"Pretty much," Natsuki said. "I'll go if that's what you want, though."

"Not at all," I assured her. "The outlying areas are also very interesting." I glanced at her. "And I want you to have fun, as well."

Natsuki smiled back. "Well, if you say so. But choose for me, at least."

I frowned. Well, if I decided to take on Okasama's mission, I'd at least soften Natsuki up for a while. Something interesting, especially as she's seen a lot of shrines. And while being in the Eastern Side might be convenient for that, it's mostly shrines and temples again. Then something caught my eye. "Hmm. This might be fun."

"What?" Natsuki asked, narrowing her eyes. She blinked. "Monkeys?"

"A monkey park," I said. "And you can feed them. That might be fun, don't you think? Though apparently, it's quite a climb…"

"That doesn't matter," Natsuki said. "I haven't been exercising enough anyway. Well, if you think you can handle it."

I smiled. "Then it's settled. We need to go to Western Kyoto first, by one of the buses…"

Natsuki sighed. "Weren't we at a bus station just now?" she asked dubiously.

I nodded. "Well, yes. I must admit, I really wasn't thinking." I glanced at her. "Shall we double back?"

Natsuki appeared to consider it for a moment. "On the whole, I'd really rather not," she said eventually.

"Me too," I admitted. "There should be another stop nearby…"

Natsuki sighed. "We'd better get walking."

* * *

Honestly, this is tougher than I thought. As I suspected, I'm not on my top form. The other annoying thing is that Shizuru is easily keeping pace with me. And she just does kenjutsu, and spends most of her time sitting around being elegant. Or, did. A little less, nowadays, I guess.

Either way, this is obviously the fault of my leg. It's not really paining me any more, but thanks to the injury I'm out of practise. It stands to reason.

Shizuru stopped for a moment, looking backwards. "The view's beautiful, don't you think?"

I stopped, following her gaze. "You're right. But it'll be better at the top. Let's keep going."

Shizuru giggled. "Yes, yes."

I carried on walking, my breath quickening. "So, what's up with a monkey park?" I asked. "I thought Kyoto was all about the temples and shrines and stuff."

"Well, they're traditional monkeys," Shizuru suggested. "And it makes a change, doesn't it?"

"I guess so," I admitted. "Does Mikoto know about this, actually? It seems like she'd love monkeys."

"Not really. I heard she has a phobia of them," Shizuru said.

I blinked. "Really?"

"Not at all," Shizuru said, giggling.

I punched her lightly on the shoulder. "Idiot. You shouldn't take advantage of my vulnerable nature, okay?"

"Gullible seems closer to the mark," Shizuru said. "Though I'm just bitter, you know. I've been pretty silly at times today."

"Tch. I'd be happier of you admitting that if I'd done any better myself," I said dryly.

Shizuru nodded, looking up the slope thoughtfully. "We're nearly there now."

"There aren't too many people, either," I said. "I guess tourists don't associate Kyoto and monkeys, either."

"Well, quite," Shizuru said. She looked around as we reached the summit. "My, that's quite a few monkeys."

"Seriously," I admitted, looking around. "Don't they have cages?"

"They're wild, apparently," Shizuru said, glancing at her guidebook again. "But well-used to humans like us."

"Seriously," I murmured. They were crowded around this shed thing, eating thrown food. And, bizarrely enough, a motorbike. Me, I wouldn't stick my bike near a giant pack of monkeys. But, hey, whatever makes people happy.

"They're very cute, though," Shizuru said appreciatively.

"Do you think so?" I asked, a little surprised. "Well, I guess so."

Shizuru chuckled, glancing at me. "You know, that's the right thing to say, isn't it? I feel a little self-conscious now, though."

I laughed. "I thought that was odd for you. Idiot. Just say what you like."

"I suppose so," Shizuru said. "But they are nice, regardless. It must be a very simple life."

"And a very short one," I pointed out. "Anyway, shall we feed them?"

Shizuru nodded. "That sounds like fun. We'll have to buy the nuts, though."

"Well, beats poisoning them with our food," I said dryly. "Let's go."

And though I'm a grown woman now, always with an acute sense of pride, and Shizuru's growth and dignity are no less than that, I'll admit. We played tag in the park, and we're feeding the monkeys now. And it is pretty enjoyable, even if it makes me feel younger than I am. Which is a big thing for any teenager. But it's probably what you call a simple pleasure. And they're fun to watch, too. Like having a hundred of Mikoto in her more dynamic moods. Not to mention hungry.

I glanced at Shizuru. "Hey, you know, I hate to admit this, but this is pretty fun. Don't you think?"

Shizuru chucked another handful, smiling as they scrambled for them again. "Of course. But aren't you the one who says I shouldn't be ashamed of natural things?"

"Yeah, but sometimes I wonder whether this is a little less than natural," I said. "And with tag, as well. That was more fun than I'd expected." I picked out another handful of peanuts and took aim.

"You really did get into that, didn't you?" Shizuru teased. "Your competitive nature, I think."

"Partly, yeah." I let fly, watching the moneys bound after them. "But sometimes I wonder if it's something else. I mean, I never really got to go to the park or to zoos or anything when I was young." I shrugged, waving a hand. "That's not to say I didn't have friends, I did. Though things were tough. But, I can't remember ever doing family stuff like that."

"That's too sad," Shizuru said, leaning forwards slightly. "It's very cruel."

"Well, it's not that big a deal," I reassured her. "It's probably a strange thing to say right now, I guess. But I'm long over it."

Shizuru nodded. "I'm glad."

"How about you?" I asked. "It seems like the old man worked you pretty hard."

"He did. Okasama as well, in her own way. I often found things boring or difficult." Shizuru shrugged. "All the same, it wasn't too bad. And from time to time, Okasama would make sure we did something as a family. So I wasn't deprived, though I was sometimes lonely. But for other children, not parents."

I nodded. "I suppose that's about what I thought. They aren't bad people… not that they always show it in the best way, but still."

"Exactly. Comparatively, I was a very lucky child. I still am." Shizuru glanced at me. "You know, I always wanted a sibling. Maybe a sister, or a little brother."

"Really?" I asked. "That's unexpectedly cute of you."

"Well, I think I wanted to boss them around," Shizuru said, looking at the monkeys again. "In any case, Otousama explained when I was… I can't remember, actually. It was a long time ago. But he said that as I was, there shouldn't be any need for a second child. It would only confuse matters."

"And people wonder where you get your ego," I teased.

Shizuru laughed. "Indeed." She picked up some more nuts, looking at them thoughtfully.

"But, what was I going to say?" I asked myself, looking up at the sky. "Well, I guess I quite like being able to do these things. Maybe a family would be a little like this." I glanced at her, feeling a little embarrassed. "And though it hasn't been long, and the old man can be a pain, your family's welcoming as well. Though they're strange." I looked away again, smiling. "Definitely strange. But, I guess I like that."

"I'm glad," Shizuru said, smiling at me. "And they'd be glad too, if they knew. Even Otousama."

"You can't tell them, though," I said, picking out the last of my nuts. "It's embarrassing."

Shizuru tossed her final handful, before nodding. "Of course. That's also fine." She smiled. "Shall we buy some more?"

I sighed, smiling at her. "Fine. Go on then."


	59. Chapter 59

**Windows of the Soul: Part Fifty-Nine**

Don't worry, I'm all better again. Though whether school-enforced civil bedtimes had anything to do with that, I leave to you.

This chapter was a little tough, though. I think angst is easier for me, but I can't rely on all that doom and gloom all the time.

* * *

I sat opposite Shizuru, looking thoughtfully at her. "It's been a while since we last did something like this, right? You took me to a restaurant in the first week, right?"

Shizuru nodded. "That's right. Though I'm not sure that qualifies as very long ago, after all."

"Time's relative. You can have months and months of the same old, then a bunch of important things in a day. It feels like a long time ago, so that's what counts," I argued.

"I suppose so. Well, we've found plenty of things to do," Shizuru said, picking up the menu and looking at it. "I can't vouch for this restaurant personally, though. Perhaps I should have asked Okasama for advice, but I'm not sure whether she'd be able to help either."

"It's fine. You don't have to drag me to really posh places every time, you know," I said.

"I suppose so," Shizuru admitted. "Hmm. I might have the soup and bread set."

"Sounds good. Me too."

"Then it's settled," Shizuru said, closing the menu.

I nodded, resisting the urge to ask a waitress. That's how I prefer to do things, but I guess it isn't Shizuru's style. "But this place is pretty nice," I said instead, looking around. "I'm surprised you found it so easily, though. You're actually pretty good at map-reading."

"Please don't sound too surprised," Shizuru said wryly. "But I've organised school trips and lead them, and so on. Don't take my talents lightly."

"Really?" I asked. "I thought you had Haruka do everything."

Shizuru giggled. "Well, perhaps. But I had to take care of some things myself. She'd undoubtedly terrorise her peers, leading any trip."

"Yeah, but didn't you have Reito for that stuff, too?" I teased. "Just what was it that you did, anyway?"

"Drank tea and researched things for Natsuki," Shizuru said. "It wasn't a bad job."

A waitress stopped before us. "Can I take your order?"

"Two soup and bread sets, please," Shizuru said politely. "And green tea. Natsuki?"

"Coke's fine," I said.

"Is that everything? Thank you for your order." She nodded and turned away.

"Honestly, though, tea again?" I asked. "Did you do that for the sake of irony?"

"It's very healthy," Shizuru returned. "Far more so than what you're drinking, of course."

"That's hardly the point. Well, I guess it goes with the accent," I said.

"As your choice goes with the bike," Shizuru said amicably. "It isn't important, really." She glanced at me. "In any case, I wonder how the others are doing. It might be time for them to eat as well."

"And Mikoto won't let anyone close to her forget it," I remarked. "Well, I'm sure they're all having fun as well."

"That would be good," Shizuru agreed.

"You aren't still worrying about earlier, are you?" I asked. "They can look after themselves, and if they aren't having fun that's they're fault. Right?"

Shizuru chuckled. "I suppose so. But I feel a bit responsible, all the same."

"You don't need to be," I assured her.

"Hm." Shizuru looked around, presumably taking in the décor.

I imitated her, before focusing on something else. "Hey, Shizuru," I said, leaning forwards and lowering my voice. "How about a game?"

"A game?" Shizuru asked curiously.

"Right," I said. "Looking at all the people here, we have to work which are couples," I said. "And, also, who's single, and who has a partner elsewhere. Okay?"

"That sounds a little impolite," Shizuru mused. "And also a little fun."

"Lighten up," I said. "It's only rude if you're caught, right?"

Shizuru smiled. "I can't disagree with that. Well, I'll see what I can do. Those two are a good beginning, they're not subtle…"

I glanced sidelong over my shoulder. They were younger than we were, and he was even feeding her. "That is pretty blatant," I said softly. "Is that cute or just depressing?"

Shizuru put a finger on her lips. "Now, be delicate."

"Like they're being delicate," I quipped. I gave Shizuru a speculative look. Maybe imitating those two would be going too far, after all. But it might be worth it, to see how Shizuru would react.

"And those two, as well," Shizuru said, nodding subtly towards two foreign tourists. "I doubt they're just friends."

I followed her gaze thoughtfully for a few moments, before turning away. "Hmm. You're probably right. Well, I'm not going to go and ask them to find out for sure."

"That definitely would be indelicate," Shizuru agreed. "And obviously, we can set the family aside."

"Well, we could guess on whether one or both is having an affair," I suggested.

Shizuru blinked. "I wouldn't like to speculate."

"You're a little naïve," I chided. And of course, his face sprang to mind. Well, it wasn't the same. "But that guy over there, the one in the black shirt, he'd probably have a girlfriend."

A betrayal is a betrayal, though. That's why I kept speaking quickly.

"That seems likely," Shizuru agreed. "And that waitress definitely has a partner, I'm sure of it. She's beautiful, after all."

"Hey, you aren't allowed to say things like that any more," I said firmly, folding my arms.

"Really?"

"Definitely. That's the rule of civilisation."

"I was just making a factual assessment, though," Shizuru said, mock innocent. "For instance, she has really nice-"

I kicked her in the shin under the table.

"Eyes?" Shizuru suggested, leaning down to rub her leg. "Natsuki is cruel."

"Not really," I retorted. "This is normal. Though you're also right, but that doesn't have anything to do with anything."

"Is that so?" Shizuru asked innocently.

"Besides, I prefer the blonde in the corner," I added.

Shizuru giggled. "Hmm. I take your point."

"I wonder what they think of us, though," I mused aloud.

"Hopefully, we're just friends, as far as they can see," Shizuru said. "Well, if we can't keep up such a pretence without saying a word to them, there's not much hope of fooling my parents."

"Well, sometimes I think that," I replied. "But sometimes I also think it's too hard to hide. Maybe not them, but perhaps your parents know? It makes me wonder."

"If they suspect they've said nothing overtly," Shizuru said. "It's a matter of moving suspicion to confirmation… though Saaya already has confirmation, more or less."

"Sometimes I think that's also fine," I said. "As long as things continue as they are, that's okay, right?"

"Perhaps."

"In any case," I said, worried I'd made her worry again, "isn't it a bit strange, with all the tourists? Just hearing different languages so much."

"A little, I suppose," Shizuru agreed. "A chance to practise your English."

"No thanks," I retorted.

The waitress returned with our drinks. "Here. Your food will be here shortly."

"Thank you very much," Shizuru said, sipping her tea.

I drank a little of my coke, before putting it down. I'll have you know that you have to be very careful in places like this. If you drink too much before the food arrives, then you'll have to get a second glass, and pay more. So you have to really save it. "Any good?" I asked her.

"Not bad at all," Shizuru admitted. "I'm pleasantly surprised."

"You're so pessimistic," I said. "You know, it is possible to have a decent meal without spending a month's wages."

Shizuru giggled. "I never said otherwise. I'm sure Otousama would say that isn't the done thing, but that's another matter altogether."

"I dunno, I'm not an expert," I said. "But he seems kinda stingy for me."

"Otousama dislikes unnecessary expense, yes," Shizuru said. "But he considers keeping up appearances, so called, a necessary expense. I'm not sure quite whom he's keeping up appearances for. Perhaps for Otousama. Though for all that, I doubt I'd be much different myself."

"Feels like he does it because he always has more than for a reason," I suggested. I resisted the temptation of taking another sip. I'll be strong.

"That might be so," Shizuru agreed. She gave me another of her thoughtful looks. "I've been thinking about this again since morning, though. It's rather strange, isn't it? Being part of my family."

"Well, if you mean being so rich, it's abnormal," I pointed out. "In the literal sense that it isn't normal."

"Right?" Shizuru toyed with her hair. "I took that for granted for quite a while, and felt rather displaced during my first few years at Fuka. With retrospect, that was very good for me."

"Well, that was one thing Fuka had going for it," I admitted. "The scholarships were nice… putting aside the whole matter of an ancient conspiracy involving a God, a dwarf, and those bastards."

"You're right, putting that aside," Shizuru agreed. "I was worrying about that a little more now, as well, though."

"No point," I advised, frowning at her. "The rest of us don't worry. Mai isn't rich, my father isn't poor, though the less said about that bastard the better, Reito… beats me, but he can afford that sword, and so on. It doesn't really matter, though."

"I suppose so."

"You hardly flaunted your wealth at school," I pointed out. "You still don't. So we're all here for you anyway."

"And you as well, which is perhaps more important," Shizuru said.

"And, frankly, I could care less how rich or poor you are," I said firmly. "If you don't let it affect your relationships, then it's fine. You can then be satisfied by the fact that you're stupendously rich, which is a wonderful thing."

Shizuru giggled. "I suppose so. God forbid I ever portray myself as a victim of my background."

"Right. That would be silly." I leaned back. "By the way, as an only child, you're inheriting everything, right?"

"Curious?" Shizuru asked.

"Just curious," I assured her. "I know you. They still let you do things like this freely, but you'd spend all your time turning money into more money, right? Instead of buying me cars and flats like a good girl."

"I'm afraid that's probably the case, yes," Shizuru said. "And you're broadly right. We don't have many relatives to speak of, and most of those Otousama dislikes."

"I thought there was a distinct lack of cousinly hangers-on," I said. "Well, without wishing the day forwards, what's the first thing you're going to do when you inherit?"

"I'm not sure," Shizuru admitted. "You know, I've never really thought about it."

"You haven't?" I asked, surprised. "That's such a waste."

"Well, I suppose I'd put my immediate affairs in order," Shizuru replied. "Then take a nice holiday. Preferably with you."

"Sounds good," I said. "Where to?"

"Perhaps somewhere tropical?" Shizuru suggested.

"I'd rather not. I'm not big on lounging around on beaches, you know." I pictured Shizuru in a swimsuit. "Though, I guess it has its charms as well…"

"Perhaps America?" Shizuru smiled. "And Natsuki can practise her English."

"Enough about that already," I complained. "Do you have to keep going on about it?"

"I'm just guilty," Shizuru said. "Even after saying how you're not prepared enough, I drag you away again…"

"I don't mind," I said quickly. "Besides, Reito was right. I just have to do work in the evening, right? I'll do some this evening, if you like."

Shizuru nodded cautiously. "I suppose that might be a good idea."

"Besides, the exams aren't the only important thing at the end of the holidays," I said gloomily. "You're off to Uni, right?"

"I'm afraid so." Shizuru turned to the waitress again as she gave us our food. "Thank you."

"That's gonna suck," I admitted candidly. "Long-distance relationships are supposed to be really tough."

"Well, that's true. But we've dealt with worse, don't you think?" Shizuru looked at me, red eyes steady. "If we want to, I'm sure we'll be able to manage."

I nodded. "Damn straight. We'll get by. I just want to make the most of our time now, okay?"

"That's very sweet of you." Shizuru bit into her bread thoughtfully. "This is also very good, actually."

"Really?" I bit into my own bread. Hmm. Perhaps I should have picked something else, because then we could have shared hers?

I flushed. And look like those two? What an embarrassing thought.

But not a bad one, I suppose, all the same.

* * *

"So what shall we do now?" I mused, looking at the guidebook again.

"Hey, Shizuru," Natsuki asked quietly. "What do you think about the beach?"

"The beach?" I glanced at her in amusement. "That's a little far from here, isn't it?"

"Not to go right now, idiot," Natsuki said hastily. "I just wondered whether you thought it might be a good idea to go at some point."

"Hmm. That sounds nice."

"Right. I thought so too." Natsuki turned her head towards me, looking sidelong at my face. "Do you still have that bikini of yours?"

"Hmm," I said, touching my lip thoughtfully. "I can't remember. I put it somewhere, but-"

Because I can still take some cues, after all.

"Well, I think I threw mine out or something," Natsuki said, looking away. "I was thinking, if that's the case, and we're here anyway… doesn't it make more sense to go get them now rather than come back another time?"

Hmm. Natsuki's a little bold at times. But I like it. I smiled at her. "Fine. But only if you promise to do something in return."

"What?" Natsuki asked, guarded but interested.

"After we've done that, go clothes shopping for something I want as well," I said, raising a finger. "That should be fine, right?"

Natsuki shrugged. "Fine. Just as long as it isn't anything too dirty."

"The thought never crossed my mind," I said. Well, that was a lie, but bikinis are enough for one day, right?

"I'm sure," Natsuki said, giving me a look that spoke for volumes of doubt. "Anyway, where's the most convenient place for that kind of thing?"

"Give me a moment to look," I said, checking my map. Preferably somewhere close to the Kamo would be good. Both Okasama and Otousama had mentioned that area, for various reasons, as a useful one. "But, did you really loose the old one?" I asked, stalling for time. "It evoked happy memories."

"Shut up," Natsuki said, folding her arms and huffing at me.

"And it really did suit your figure, too," I continued, touching my cheek sadly and holding up the map with the other hand. "It's such a shame. Well, I still have my dreams…"

"I'll kick you in the shins," Natsuki said warningly. "I'm serious about that."

I giggled. "Okay, I'll stop. I'm sorry. I guess that gets mentioned a lot?"

"Less than you'd think, anyway," Natsuki sulked. "The others aren't as perverted as you."

"I'm the pervert here?" I asked, cocking my head. "But I thought it was you who exhibited yourself in interesting ways-"

Natsuki kicked me in the shin.

"Ow." I sighed and smiled, blinking. "Fine, fine. I get it. I won't say anything more."

She'd pulled the kick, at least. The fact that I can still stand is proof enough to conclude that.

"That's a story that should have been buried and burned along with that damn star," Natsuki sniffed. "Remember that!"

I chuckled. "Yes, yes. But I've found some possible places… either way, we're going to have to take the bus again. So let's head to the stop, at least."

Natsuki nodded. "Fine. Lead the way."

I set off at a graceful walk, weaving through the other pedestrians as quickly as I could. Natsuki walked a half step behind me, keeping close, before keeping pace the moment the crowds thinned out. Noticing that made me smile, but she caught that expression. "What?" she asked. "Did I do something funny again?"

"Not really. You just look cute."

She flushed slightly. "Don't say stuff like that at random."

"At random? So, can I say it at proper times?" I inquired, dropping my voice slightly. "When we hug? When we kiss?"

Natsuki looked away. "Well, whatever I say I won't stop you, right?"

"Do you want to stop me?" I asked curiously.

Natsuki shrugged, glancing back at me. "I'm not sure… but if I didn't say stuff like that, it'd be less fun for you, right?"

"A disturbingly insightful comment," I mused, looking away myself.

"Regardless, you should have a sense of timing," Natsuki muttered. "Don't you go on a lot about being careful yourself?"

"I know, but it's very hard for me to control myself around you," I said. "It's a little dangerous, you see." And that was only half-joke.

"Honestly, you're hopeless," Natsuki said reproachfully. "Is the problem with your strict upbringing? Immense sexual frustration?"

I flushed. "I object to hearing that from a person who's only ever ridden a bike."

"You know, that might not be the case," Natsuki pointed out.

I stopped abruptly, my head snapping around. "Seriously?"

Natsuki smiled, shaking her head. "No, I'm afraid not. I was being, what's your word, hypothetical about things. Just what do you think about me, though?"

"Don't joke about things like that," I huffed. "It isn't funny."

"I'm just trying to imitate you. That might have been a bit low, though." Natsuki put her hands together, copying me again. "Forgive me kindly?"

I sighed, rubbing my forehead. "It can't be helped, I suppose," I said, glancing at her and trying not to smile. "But I'm in love with a devil, aren't I?"

"That's my line, you know," Natsuki said. "This is just punishment for teasing me so much." She grabbed my wrist, dragging me into motion.

"I know, I know," I said, pulling my hand free and carrying on walking. "I'm beginning to wonder whether I'll have cause to regret that."

"You're too sensitive," Natsuki said. "What would you think if I said yes, anyway?"

I cocked my head. "Well, I'd be interested… especially at how you hid it from me. I really didn't think that one through, did I?"

"Not at all. I was rather flattered." Natsuki looked sidelong at me. "What would you think of me, though?"

"As long as it didn't happen in the past two days, it probably wouldn't influence my opinions at all," I said. "Well, if I think about it, I'm not allowed to have an opinion at all."

"Says who?" Natsuki asked. "You sure say that a lot."

"Well, you know," I began, before giving up. "Never mind." I stopped at the bus stop. "I think I was more upset by the joke than I'd be by any other revelation. It was a little…"

"If that was entirely true you wouldn't mind a joke," Natsuki said, joining me. "But, I take your point. I'm sorry."

I shook my head. "Well, it's not that big a deal. I was being rather vulgar as well."

"Either way, it has good parts too," Natsuki said. "You know, there's no way you'd be able to talk about some of this stuff before without claming up. And it's pretty funny, too."

I pinched my forehead, closing my eyes. "I suppose so. I think that's also a dangerous characteristic."

"You should loosen up," Natsuki advised, leaning her shoulder against mine. "You know you enjoy it really."

"That's rather the problem."

Natsuki laughed. "Hmm. I can see that, actually."

"Right?" I said, looking at her and raising my eyebrows. "I think the danger of titillation is titillating."

"So that's why you're always so- you?" Natsuki asked, looking into my eyes. "That's pretty funny."

"I'm not sure if I like those implications."

"I'm not complaining."

"Hmm. It feels like this conversation is a little dangerous too-" I stopped myself abruptly. No, however I look at it, this is far too public a place. I should have ended this conversation a while ago. "Moving on, though."

"If you insist."

Honestly, she even knocks my conversation out of pace. It's really hard not to get caught up in hooking this word off that, and fencing with our dignity and mutual regard and implications… I suppose you call that flirting, actually.

"Anyway, what are you going to make me do after we're done with my bit?" Natsuki asked. "It isn't anything shady, right?"

"Not at all," I assured her. "That can come later in afternoon."

Natsuki snorted. "I'll look forwards to it."

"Please do so," I said solemnly.

But honestly, is this really okay? Getting caught up like this? I guess she'd tell me if it wasn't, though. I'm just uncertain.

It was crowded on the bus, so we had to stand. It was in spite of that rather than because of that, though, that Natsuki stayed a little closer to me than she would have done before. Or, I think so, anyway. That didn't really worry me, though. Rather, it reassured me. I hadn't said anything to offend her, apparently. So I didn't object, and smiled at her, just in case she was worried about the same thing. It seems like Natsuki has more confidence than I do right now, but it can be very hard to tell. I still need to protect her feelings, especially from myself.

This still worries me, though. The natural eloquence of my feelings- now our feelings, and now more than ever- aren't easy to hide. Or, rather, despite all fear I enjoy indulging myself in them, and she is the same? It's not really anything to do with prudence. It would probably even be a good thing, not a problem, if it weren't for me.

I'm not going to think about such gloomy things today, though.

It tangled up in my mind, though, involving itself in other things. Before… the new before… I'd have spent hours wondering. Instead, I remembered what I'm supposed to do about such things.

Though I checked the area first, to make sure there was no one else with us in the swimwear section. "Natsuki," I began, stopping for a moment. "Can I ask you something personal, about us?"

"Hmm?" Natsuki turned around and walked up to me, looking where I was. "That's nice. White's your colour, so they say… but sure. Shoot."

"Well, it's about yesterday- but generally- how would I say it?"

Natsuki looked away, trying not to smile. "Go ahead."

"Do I go too far sometimes?" I asked worriedly. "Well, rather than saying that, I guess I always do. I think it's something I do when I'm nervous, strangely enough, but-"

Natsuki slapped me on the back. "That'll do. Calm down, already. Is it the sportswear?"

"Natsuki," I protested. "I'm trying to be serious."

"I know," Natsuki said. "But I was trying to make a point, as well. I can go too far too, right? It's not just your prerogative."

I sighed and smiled. "You're right, of course. Perhaps I'm over-thinking things as usual."

"Well, I was actually sincerely teasing you," Natsuki admitted, looking around and finding something blue and frilly for closer inspection. "I didn't think that far ahead. But I'll say this. I'm not a weak girl who can be coerced into anything, right?"

"Normally, yes," I said, trying to suppress guilty memories. I didn't need _that _to complicate things again.

"So to be honest, I'd rather you went too far and made me feel you're really into me, than if you were cool and reserved," Natsuki explained. "It's more fun."

"If that's the case, I'm a little relieved," I said. "But you have to stop me if I go too far, right? You rather unbalance me, or rather I do that to myself. I have a lot of fears, and a lot of things I like."

"Sure. I'll always do that. But, you need to remember for me as well. It's not like I'm not attracted to you." Natsuki paused for a moment. "But, even so…"

"Even so?" I asked worriedly.

Natsuki shook her head. "Nothing. Well, we have the whole holiday before us, right? Even if it's a short time, it's been an even shorter time, and we're having this much fun, right? So we should relax and let things go as they please."

"That's good advice," I mused.

"Of course. It's my advice!"

"Since when were you so smart?" I teased.

My lady protested too much, while I worked out how best to dress her in a bikini. Principles are sound, but it's hard to be good under these conditions. I defy a saint to do better, and I'm sure they envy me.

* * *

And in the end, we took care of my side of the bargain successfully. On the plus side, that ensured I'd have a good chance of seeing Shizuru in a bikini I chose for her in the fullness of time. That definitely qualifies as one of my better ideas, and I almost surprised she let me get away with it. Or is this what it means to be a couple?

Of course, I'd made a pact with the devil. She's way more devilish, damnit. So I followed her through one of the older districts without knowing exactly what was going on.

"Hey, can you tell me what we're doing now?" I asked.

"Alright, I'll tell you," Shizuru said. "Kimono shopping."

"Kimono shopping?" I sighed. "Don't you have like sixty already?"

"Not quite so many as that," Shizuru said delicately.

"Well, same difference, right?"

And I'd seriously thought she was going to suggest lingerie shopping or something. I feel disappointed. Not for the flirting, we've done enough of that for now. But lingerie, you sincerely can't have enough of. It's also the one area where I'm sure my experience is greater than hers is. Perhaps next time, at least.

"Don't worry," Shizuru advised. "I'll take care of everything." She stopped in front of one of the obscure looking ships, frowning. "Hmm. I think this is it. Okasama's mentioned it a lot in her letters."

"Is there that much difference?" I asked, glancing at the kimono in the window. "We've passed several, right?"

"Well, we'll see," Shizuru replied, stepping in. I followed after, stopping as she regarded some kind of receptionist. "Excuse me. We're here for a kimono."

The receptionist looked up in vague disinterest. "I should warn you, we use charge quite exclusively for our workmanship."

"I was recommended here by Viola Fujino." Shizuru bowed. "I am Shizuru Fujino, her daughter."

"Really? Is that so?" she asked, brightening considerably. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Fujino-sama. We have heard much about you from your mother."

"The pleasure's mine, after hearing what she had to say about your work," Shizuru returned politely. "And this is Natsuki Kuga, an important friend of mine."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Kuga-sama," the woman said, bowing her head.

"Nice to meet you," I said shortly, feeling a little bemused by the abrupt professional courtesy.

"In the first instance, I must commend you on your good work up until now. Even with reported measurements, they're marvellous. Please bring my thanks to everyone here." Shizuru smiled. "Of course, I haven't simply come to convey my gratitude, either."

"Of course," the receptionist said, smiling. "How can we help you today, Fujino-sama?"

"I would like to order a bespoke kimono, highest-quality, price no object," Shizuru explained. "For my friend Natsuki."

I blinked. "What? What did you just say?"

Shizuru turned to smile at me. "This is a present from Okasama."

"As you say," the woman said, bowing her head. "Will you be buying a complete outfit and accessories?"

"Hmm," Shizuru mused. "That would be best, yes."

"Can we just slow down, already," I said hurriedly. "I didn't ask for this. It's way too expensive, right?"

"Don't worry about that," Shizuru said sweetly. "It's not important."

"Of course it's important!" I said. "Besides, I really don't need it!"

"I will notify the others," the receptionist said. "Please come through whenever you please, we will have tea prepared."

"Thank you." Shizuru turned to regard me again, putting a hand on her hip. "I know, but it's nice, isn't it? More importantly, this is something Okasama wants. Could you be nice and flatter her?"

"I feel really uncomfortable with you guys spending this kind of money on me," I said, folding my arms. "It's strange, isn't it?"

"Is it?" Shizuru asked. She sighed. "Well, I'll be vulgar, Natsuki… this kind of money doesn't mean anything much to us. You already know that, though, don't you?"

"Even so," I said uneasily.

"You saved my life," Shizuru said, stepping towards me. "Several times over in different ways. Okasama is showing her gratitude, in a way that will in any case please her. And, for my part, too, I would enjoy it. It would make us both happy." Shizuru stopped for a moment, then shrugged when I didn't reply. "Though, if you really insist…"

"It's not that," I began, before frowning. "Damnit, why are you making me sound like the unreasonable one here?"

"Stop fighting," Shizuru suggested, stepping closer and smiling. "Otherwise we'll have to measure you in your sleep, okay?"

I sighed, rubbing my forehead. "This really that crazy woman's idea again?"

Shizuru nodded. "I'm afraid so."

"And you're absolutely, really sure this is okay?" I asked cautiously.

Shizuru nodded again. "If you're still worried, look at it this way. It's an investment in ending Okasama's worries that she hasn't thanked you enough for what you've done."

I sighed, turning my head away. "You know, there's something altogether unreasonable about buying bikini and a kimono in the same day…"

"The many faces of a woman," Shizuru said brightly. "Have I convinced you? And has Natsuki forgiven me?"

I sighed, holding up my hand. "Fine, fine. Whatever you like. It's not my money, is it?"

"There's a good girl," Shizuru said, looking inappropriately pleased by that comment. "Let's go. This will take a while, so just bear with it. Oh, and you'll have to strip, of course…"

"Seriously?" I asked, following her.

"Of course. Accurate measurements are important."

"You're going to look away, right? You'd better look away."

"Ara, Ara. This from the girl who was leaning over me in about a square foot of material, asking me if I liked what I saw."

"I did not! You make me sound so dirty."

"Hmm… I thought it was cute."

"That's not the issue here!"

"Then what is?"

"Well, whatever. I'm pretty sure I got a better view."

"Not so loud."

"Now you say that?"

I sighed, smiling despite myself. This was certainly going to be a memorable day, if nothing else. And no one had even tried to kill us this time.


	60. Chapter 60

**Windows of the Soul: Part Sixty**

As ever (yay retrophrase?), thanks for everyone's support. The girls seem rather happier now, which makes me happy. Of course, there's still a few minor things to take care of...

* * *

"So it's Shizu-chan? I've heard a lot about your growth from Viola-chan and Saaya-chan." The old woman fanned herself vigorously, walking up to me and scrutinising my face. "You do have her facial structure now. It's a pleasant resemblance."

"Thank you very much," I said, bowing. "Excuse me… Nagomi Kikuchi-san, isn't it?"

"Of course. Don't you remember me?" Kikuchi demanded, leaning forwards and rapping me across the cheek with her left hand. "I oversaw your dress when you were knee-high. Blood and tears, my girl. And you come before me now, dressed like that? I can't say I approve. I can't say I approve at all."

"Okasama picked it out for me," I explained, smiling.

"I can't say I approve of her other tastes, but it can't be helped, it can't be helped," Kikuchi muttered, walking around me. Her younger assistants pottered around, bringing tools and materials. "In any case, you're all grown up."

I nodded. "Yes, Kikuchi-san."

"That's obasan to you, girl," Kikuchi instructed. She frowned, snapping her fan shut and placing it on my shoulders. "You have your father's shoulders. And your father's spine. You're too tall. Far too tall. And I can't approve of your feet, either. But, it can't be helped."

Natsuki finally lost her fight for self-control, audibly giggling.

"I'll get to you in a minute, girl," Kikuchi instructed sharply, glancing at her. "I'm just catching up with Shizu-chan. And the arms, too… Shin-chan's arms. Does he still make you play around with kenjutsu?"

Shin-chan? "You mean… Otousama?" I asked, slightly incredulous.

"That's whom I said," Kikuchi said impatiently, snapping her fan open and waving it again. "I told him it wouldn't do. She's a girl. It makes them turn out abnormal. They loose their natural grace, doing such vulgar things." She frowned. "Well, you've turned out better than I might have hoped before. At least you're still somewhat a woman."

"Thank you very much, obasan," I said, bowing her head.

"And this is?" Kikuchi demanded, sweeping on to Natsuki, who abruptly straightened and looked rather less amused.

"Natsuki Kuga, my important friend," I repeated.

"So this is the promised one, then? You woke me for her?" Kikuchi frowned, scrutinising Natsuki's face.

She looked back defiantly. "What?"

"Like you, but worse," Kikuchi said. "Shoulders too broad, too tall, arms too strong. Oh, beautiful, beautiful. But altogether something else, all the same. How do you intend to get a boyfriend like this, girl?"

"I'm not interested," Natsuki retorted, folding her arms.

Kikuchi snorted to herself. "Girls these days… and that, too." The fan snapped shut. "Very unnatural. Both of you together. Can't be having with it."

"Yes?" I asked innocently, trying not to put the wrong spin on those words.

The fan slid forwards, hitting Natsuki in the chest. "There. Too much. Can't be having with it."

Natsuki jumped back about three feet, flushing furiously. "What the hell are you doing, you crazy old woman?"

Kikuchi sniffed. "You should respect your elders, Suki-chan. There's no need to be unreasonable."

"I agree! And I'm the reasonable one here," Natsuki retorted forcefully, glaring at her.

I stepped behind her, putting my hands on her shoulders. "It's okay, Natsuki. I'd forgotten, but this is just Kikuchi… obasan's way. Isn't that right, obasan?"

"I'm too old to change my ways for anyone's convenience," Kikuchi said, opening the fan again. "You shouldn't complain."

"Then enough with the sexual harassment," Natsuki muttered.

"You complain too much. It's like Shin-chan. He always complains." Kikuchi fanned herself, cocking her head. "You have good eyes, though. You should smile. Children shouldn't waste their beauty."

"I'll bear that in mind," Natsuki said, sounding rather strained.

"So what can I do for you, Shizu-chan?" Kikuchi asked. "Furisode?"

"We have a few years yet for that," I replied. "I was thinking komon. This will be her first, so something simple and usable for many different places."

"Hmm? Her first?" Kikuchi frowned. "It's a terrible thing. I despair."

"Well, she's worn them many times before," I clarified. "Mine. But this will be the first time she's had one made for her, and hers to keep."

"I see. I understand." Kikuchi narrowed her eyes at Natsuki again. "Very well, I will do what I can. Will Viola-chan take care of teaching, or will I?"

"I will do it." I smiled when she gave me a dubious look. "Don't worry, obasan. I've learned a lot since we last met."

"Well, I've have to hope for that. No doubt you've learned some rotten modern technique, but that can't be helped."

"For the record, can I just say I was against this from the start?" Natsuki said, raising a hand.

"That's because you don't know anything," Kikuchi said matter-of-factly. "It can't be helped. But we're here. Let's begin, girls."

"Yes, obasan," they chorused, closing in on Natsuki from all directions.

"Suki-chan, strip," Kikuchi instructed, pointing.

"What? You can measure through my clothes, right?" Natsuki protested loudly.

"Do you think I can accept such imprecise methods?" Kikuchi returned. "Don't mock us? Are you taking our art lightly?"

"Don't worry, Kuga-sama," one of the attendants said gently. "There's nothing to be afraid of."

"Oh, stop being soft, pull her clothes off already," Kikuchi instructed irritably. "Girls these days. Fuss, fuss, fuss."

Despite myself, I couldn't stop watching the spectacle as it unfolded, feeling half horrified and half mesmerised, but altogether fascinated. Someone touched Natsuki's shoulders, and that annoyed me a little.

Natsuki gestured irritably, glancing briefly and pointedly at me before returning her attention to Kikuchi. "Fine. Back off. I'll do it myself." She began to unhook her dress, and I hurriedly looked away.

I'd promised her, right? I wouldn't look…

"Oh. She has beautiful skin, doesn't she, obasan?"

My head moved despite itself, just in time to see her dress fall around her feet. My head snapped away again.

"But what are those things? All frills, ribbons and nonsense," Kikuchi sniffed. "I used to get by without this altogether, and none was the worse for it."

At that point, I gave up outright, and looked straight at Natsuki's mouth-watering profile, lingerie and all. I've seen it before, from time to time, but often when I was so tired or distracted or emotional I couldn't appreciate its, uh, qualities. Earlier was a better chance, and now twice in one day, I'm being spoiled. But, yes, that's right. Natsuki has many qualities, so aesthetic appreciation is normal. No, it's proper. If you think about it, failing to appreciate natural beauty would be discourteous, no? Not looking would be offensive. So, it can't be helped, isn't that so?

Kikuchi caught my eyes. "Shizu-chan too."

I blinked. "Sorry?"

"Strip, girl, strip. Are you soft in the head or what?" Kikuchi demanded.

"But I don't need anything," I explained. "I already have enough kimono, thanks to you and Okasama."

"That's fine, but how am I supposed to complement my work for this girl?" Kikuchi asked pointedly. "I can't simply create for her irrespective of situation. What looks fine is precisely that, but if it doesn't suit what Shizu-chan is wearing I'm failing as an artist."

"But you have the designs, right?"

"Oh, I always throw out old things," Kikuchi said dismissively. "Even so, the result would be different. The difference between a collection of swords and a Daisho is way too great; didn't Shin-chan teach you that? This is the same. My intent is to play on the synergy of the two of you."

I blinked again. "She'll be wearing it without me, too-"

"Oh, stop complaining and strip already. You're as bad as the other." Kikuchi folded her arms. "Even if it's only in concept, I'll have to work that way."

"Just give up," Natsuki said sourly, glancing at me. "It's not like I'm not cold either, you know."

"But-" My gaze slipped dangerously, and I then made a point to look her firmly in the eyes. "That's a little…"

"Give up," Natsuki repeated stonily.

Misery loves company, is it? I sighed, looking away. "Fine. But only because it's you, obasan."

"And not before time, either. You're young, aren't you? Where's the meaning in shyness?" Kikuchi demanded unsympathetically.

"Modesty is dignity," I said, echoing something Okasama had said once. What was the context again?

But for all that, I undressed in as dignified a manner as I could manage. Though doing such a thing was far from easy when I was incredibly conscious of my every movement, which felt stiff and slow. I looked straight ahead, completely unsure as to who was watching. Perhaps Natsuki was? Or would she be looking away? If we made eye contact, that would be altogether too awkward. For her, for her! Natsuki is shy, so it's best not to look. It's not like I'm shy of my body. I was showing it off to her earlier, after all.

It's just too bad when I want to look at her despite myself.

In the end I did so, while my hands were busying themselves folding up my dress. Her eyes met mine, and she smiled just a little, before turning her head away and keeping her usual severe expression. It's a little unfair, but that way she folds her arms doesn't conceal her breasts so much as it emphasises them. Does she know that? And I also have to look away without staring.

This is an unusual and very trying circumstance.

"You too with that nonsense, Shizu-chan?" Kikuchi tutted. "I'm disappointed."

"As you say, we're young," I reminded her. "This is fashionable now."

"Fashion is nonsense," Kikuchi said crisply, turning away. "Now, girls. Let's measure them and be done with it."

They worked with practised efficiency, tapes moving deftly from place to place. I did my best to look up and forget that I was currently two feet from Natsuki in her underwear. Calm is important at times like this, but they stimulate the imagination. Like the numbers. I won't disclose them, ladies do not. But in this instance they were evocative. Better not to think of them. Better to completely divorce myself from my surroundings. Think of ponies and trees. Like the proverbial elephant, though, nothing focuses attention more than the absolute necessity of leaving something unattended. Keeping my head taut, without looking round, what I picture replaces what I see. I have a vivid imagination. I should recall other things. My parents. But they're very distant and I don't care. I can be a weak willed, so there's a part of me that doesn't want to stop. And today's recent experiences avail nothing. Natsuki, in the cute and daring blue bikini I choose for her. She can smile and laugh, and move, her body moves with her. She's fine, more than fine, and in my imaginings-

I can't indulge myself. I doubt obasan would notice anything but her attendants might be less naïve if I close my eyes or stare at Natsuki's... at Natsuki. Regardless, it's embarrassing.

So I tried my best to look ahead and neither think nor hear nor see. It was not as easy as I would like. Am I weak, or do I have an exhibitionistic tendency? I don't think I really want to know…

But I think being under-dressed has a special eloquence, and it talks the louder when you are silent. So I tried to smile. "So, do any designs come to mind, obasan?" I managed.

"Don't interrupt," Kikuchi snapped.

I focused on her, who was just watching, then at someone close by, who was hurriedly writing things down, then at the tape that was wrapped around my arm. And that helped a little.

Eventually it was over. "Fine, that's everything," Kikuchi said, clapping her hands. "We can move on."

"Can we get dressed now?" Natsuki asked, stooping to retrieve her clothes even as she asked.

"Yes, but not in those things. Someone bring them display pieces, already." Kikuchi frowned at me. "You can wear them. It will help my work, regardless of it being a sight less silly than what you're currently wearing."

Natsuki sighed. "You know, I'm not even going to bother to argue this time."

"Smart girl."

I rubbed my forehead, thinking of mud. "So, what do you have in mind?"

Kikuchi glanced at me for a moment, then smiled. "Allow me to begin."

* * *

I leaned back on the bench, looking up at a clear sky. "You know, I never knew that buying a kimono was such an intense experience. I'll have to completely reshape my assumptions about the whole thing."

"I think that's a characteristic of obasan… Kikuchi-san, rather than one associated with kimono more generally," Shizuru said tiredly. "It's been so long I'd forgotten."

"That's one hell of a thing to forget," I teased.

"Well, she's kind to children. And she is a genius at what she does, so we don't need to have any reservations about the quality, but-" Shizuru stopped, massaging her forehead with her thumbs. "For a start, I'm not sure how I was talked into buying a matching pair and accessories. Otousama may kill me if he hears."

"I told you this was a bad idea from the start, but you didn't listen," I pointed out. "Well, I'm not complaining myself. You had to go through all of that as well as me, so it was far more fair, right?"

"I think that fairness was very unfair in itself. I hadn't intended to become a customer." Shizuru sighed, smiling thinly at me. "Well, I suppose it could be worse. At the very least, they'll go together, which is nice."

"Didn't you say yourself that this kind of money was nothing?"

"Perhaps, but if it's for another, that attitude is generosity. When it's with regard to oneself, one calls it fecklessness. Or something. More fool me either way, though. Otousama always warned me never to barter with lawyers, politicians and old women."

I laughed at that. "Oh, really? If you're so worried about it, you should just go back and cancel your order. That's easy enough, right?"

"In principle, yes," Shizuru said. "I just have this nasty feeling that I'd go in with that intention and leave having ordered a third."

I smirked. "Right? So giving up is fine. Sometimes it's the right thing to do."

"I think so too. And I can at least present the second kimono as my idea," Shizuru said thoughtfully. "Or, perhaps it would be better if I said it was yours? Then Okasama would be more charitable."

"Hey, you know, I owe you guys enough for real now without you artificially adding to it," I pointed out.

"Please don't worry about that, at least." Shizuru leaned back, taking a breath. "In any case, I hope you found things tolerable. We got a little entangled in technical discussion that must have quite bored you. I'm sorry about that."

"I survived," I said, waving a hand dismissively.

"Just as long as you didn't consider it a waste of your time, that's all."

"Well, I'll admit, I was a little interested by the end," I said cautiously. "Only just a little, though."

Shizuru smiled weakly. "Of course."

"In any case, what now?" I asked, glancing at her.

"For now, can we sit here?" Shizuru asked. "I'm a little on the tired side."

"Just from everything we've done so far? You need more stamina." Though my legs were also aching like hell, but there was no way I was ever going to admit that. I leaned slightly towards her. "Well, that's fine, but we might as well think about our next move, right? We don't have much time left before the rendezvous."

Shizuru checked her watch, blinking slightly. "You're right. We don't really have the time to go too far or do something big, do we? That's a little problematic."

"This is why we should keep track of things," I said reproachfully. "It's not like you to be disorganised."

"Actually, I've been fairly organised. But both those two things took a little longer than I'd thought they'd would."

"Well, I guess so," I admitted. I shifted the bag slightly on my knees. Just the bikini, and at some point in the near future I need to work out how to hide them from the others. This stuff should be classified. "You have any ideas? We could always walk around randomly, I guess."

"Hmm. I suppose so," Shizuru said, looking through her guidebook again. "We could always go to one of the near-by temples. I'd quite like that, myself. But you did several of the very famous ones the other day, right?"

"Only technically," I said. "I wasn't really paying very much attention."

"Hmm. And going to a swordsmith's probably wouldn't be appropriate." Shizuru glanced at me. "Though if you really do get into kenjutsu, we may have to make a visit at some point after all."

"Hey, hey. The kimono was already going too far," I said, raising my hands. "There's no way my limited interest in poking the old man with a stick can justify buying me one of those stupidly expensive swords. Besides, don't you need a licence and things?"

"Otousama can take care of that," Shizuru said ambiguously. "But, regardless, I was just speculating. I'll add you do get what you pay for, though."

"I know. You wouldn't believe how much my, eh, insurance cost," I said. Guns just don't come cheap in this country, forget decent ones. "But anyway, if you insist on it, you should at least spend it on my interests."

"Lingerie?" Shizuru suggested.

I nodded. "I still haven't replaced my collection, you know. But on that note, I've noticed this before, but you're taking a leaf from me recently, aren't you?" I smirked at her.

"That was Okasama," Shizuru said, raising her hands. "Or, rather, the things she brought for me. She has quite a fanciful idea as to what is normal."

"Really?" I asked, pushing my hair over my shoulder. "That old woman is surprisingly bold, isn't she?"

"Like Natsuki, she has a habit of teasing me," Shizuru said, mock-upset. "Though I must say you use different methods."

I gave her a suspicious look. "In any case, I think we've done enough of that for now. We should try and spend the rest of the afternoon fully dressed."

"You make everything sound so improper," Shizuru murmured, looking away.

I sighed to myself, smiling and folding my arms. "We made five the negotiated time, right? But we can always change that. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't mind doing another big thing, eating out for dinner then going home."

"Really?"

"Well, it's been fun so far, right?"

Shizuru nodded slowly. "I'd like that too. Though we'd end up going back late, wouldn't we?"

"That doesn't matter much. It's a holiday, right? That's what they're for."

"Well, quite. I'd love to, but we do need to check with the others. And would it be a bother for them?"

"I'll phone Mai," I said, ignoring that last bit. "You take care of Reito, okay?"

"Okay," Shizuru said, fishing through her coat. "If you insist."

"I insist," I said, taking a few moments to find my own phone. Damn impractical dresses. Give me a good trouser pocket over playing fishing with my jacket pockets any day. It's a real lucky dip in there. In the end, though, I managed to retrieve my mobile and phoned Mai's number.

"_Hello?"_

"Yo, it's me. You two doing okay?"

"_We're fine. You two?"_

"Not bad," I said, smiling to myself. "We've been doing this and that, you know."

"_Already? I'm not sure I want to know."_

"Not that, you idiot," I said hastily. "I mean, we've been wandering around, doing different things. Don't project dirty things onto everything!"

"_I'm not sure what I'm supposed to think, but never mind. I'm glad you're having fun."_

I sighed. "Right. And how about you? You aren't lost, right?"

"_Not right now, no."_

"Not right now?"

"_Well, there's nothing exciting to say,"_ Mai said, in a cool voice I mentally associated with sun-like impacts and large craters where there used to be other things.

"I'll bear that in mind," I said dryly. "Anyway, you know we said five to meet? If it's fine with you guys, we were thinking to stay and eat dinner out, then go back. Or are you too tired?"

"Because it's your first date, huh? It's nice to be young…"

"I'm not young," I protested. "I'm older than you, anyway!"

Mai giggled. _"I know, I know. I'm teasing you. Well, I'd be fine with that, myself. I'll check with the boy, but I doubt he'll have a problem with it. Reito?"_

"Shizuru's asking," I said. "I'll sort that out in a minute."

"_Okay. Well, give me a second." _

"Fine." I tapped my foot while I waited, looking around. Shizuru had stood and walked a few paces away in order to give us some privacy. She also spoke too low for me to hear, despite my best efforts.

"Yeah, we're fine with it. How about the others?"

"Hang on." I held the phone away from me. "Hey, Shizuru? What does Reito say?"

Shizuru looked up. "He doesn't mind, but he doesn't think it's a good idea. Shiho and Mikoto are getting tired."

I sighed, rolling my eyes. "I guess I should have figured that." I returned my phone to my ear. "Seems like Reito's group are getting tired, though. It's too bad."

"_That is a shame." _Mai paused for a moment. _"Perhaps they could be picked up first, though? And the rest of us can stay. Or is that asking too much of the family?"_

"That's a good idea. I'll ask." I looked at Shizuru again. "Mai and Tate don't mind staying. She suggested we could just send the others on ahead? That's fine, right? Then we can stay."

"The principle's fine," Shizuru said. "But, wouldn't it be a little suspicious?"

"Not really. I mean, they are younger, right?"

"I suppose so," Shizuru said, sounding unconvinced. "But, if we were moving as a group, it'd still be strange to come back separately."

I frowned in disappointment. "No good?"

Shizuru hesitated for a moment, looking uncertain. Then she shrugged. "I wouldn't go that far. No, you're right, I'm sure we' d get away with it. So, shall I?"

"Really? Are you sure?"

Shizuru smiled weakly. "I'm sure. It's not that big a deal, really…"

I just shrugged, talking into my mobile again. "Hey, you still there?"

"_Belatedly so,"_ Mai replied by way of agreement. _"What did she say?"_

"That's fine; we'll go with that." I smiled. "Thanks for your help."

"_Not at all. I haven't really done anything. As for our new meeting, shall we say seven, same place?"_

"That sounds good," I agreed, trying to sound solemn. Two more hours felt like a bigger boon than you'd normally think. But I've always thought if you don't really value your time you're doing something wrong, even as I hitherto spent hours sitting around doing nothing. But I thought it pretty damn hard.

"_Then it's settled," _Mai said. _"Have fun, you two."_

"We will," I assured her. "Same to you. See you later, then."

"_Sure. See you later."_

"Bye." I hung up, flipping my phone shut. "So that's sorted," I explained to Shizuru.

"Really? That's good," she said, smiling. "Reito is taking care of everything his end, too. He's quite reliable from time to time."

"When he feels like it," I said dismissively. "Anyway, that's good? So what shall we do? I'm fine with whatever you want."

Shizuru shook her head. "You should pick. I made you go through with buying a kimono, after all, without much regard for your thoughts."

"That's fine. I don't really know the area anyway."

"Neither do I, particularly," Shizuru reminded me.

"Well, still," I said. "It feels like a better plan if you do it. Besides, I had that whole day to myself, right? So it's only fair that you get to choose this time."

"If you insist, then okay." Shizuru frowned slightly, looking down. "The Nonomiya Shrine seems accessible enough, and there's a tea-garden nearby as well."

I nodded. "So let's do that."

"Are you sure?" Shizuru asked worriedly, glancing up at me. "It probably wouldn't be very exciting."

"It's fine. Or rather, if we go to Kyoto without doing at least one traditional shrine visit, don't we fail at life somehow?" I teased.

Shizuru giggled. "I wouldn't go that far, but I suppose it would be strange. If you're sure, then, we can go." She closed her guidebook and stood, handing it to me.

I slid it into my bag, then nodded at her. "Lead the way."

Being interested in the other person's interest is fine by me. And speaking personally, I've been doing my best to do tough things for her happiness. This is nothing at all.

Besides, Shizuru's actually kinda cute when she drinks tea. She really does relish it far too much. Not that I'm ever going to tell her the first part, though she's more than used to hearing the second… it'd be bad for her ego, right?

* * *

This was a fine time that passed too fast, so much so that I was willing to take a small risk for the sake of a boon. Even that time passed, though, listening to Natsuki talk and laugh, and watching her smile. But I didn't have any spare time to mourn for the lost hours, when I was talking and laughing and smiling for her as well. Nor do I have any regrets about that. I don't think I can dare to presume that things could have gone better somehow, that time could have been better spent.

We were pressed up against each other in a crowded bus, and then we walked calmly in a temple, talking of whatever came to mind. And I got to watch Natsuki fidget cutely over her tea in the garden. After that we went to eat, and she made me try curry from a Thai restaurant. My mouth was thoroughly scalded, but I managed to get by, and in any case, looking across the table at Natsuki's watchful amusement was also satisfying enough. In a vaguely masochistic way, at least. It's unfair, though. I'm not sure what it was that she was eating, but I'm sure it's illegal. How can the ice princess eat hot food? That's plain illogical.

In the end, though, we lingered too long and had to hurry back. Natsuki wants to run but I'm just about holding her in check. I have my dignity to consider, not to mention an unsettled stomach. And though I've certainly had a complex day filled with complex things, not least my appreciation of her, and how it reminds me of that past, and other unpleasant things… even so, I didn't feel disquieted overall. Rather, I was content, and happy. More than that, perhaps, it had simply been _fun_. And Saaya might have been right, perhaps that's the most important virtue, or else I relish it after so much sadness. I'm not sure. But, it was fun. I don't think I need to excuse that fact, to myself or to anyone else.

"So you're back?" Reito asked, glancing at me.

"We're back," I agreed, blinking. "Didn't you take the girls home?"

Reito shook his head. "I sent them home. But I thought I'd stay and look at a few things that wouldn't interest them with the rest of the time."

"Is that so?" I asked, frowning.

Another way of bluffing my parents? Or is it only what he says? I don't know either the extent of his good intentions or the reality of his reasons. Perhaps I should at least be grateful for this, though.

"Did you have an enjoyable time?"

"Yes, we did," Natsuki said shortly, looking around. "Where are the other two?"

"They're coming," Reito said. "But, shopping, Natsuki-san? That's rather rare, isn't it? What did you get?"

"Look and die," Natsuki warned crisply, holding the bag closer to her body. "How about you? Did you go and look at pointy metal things?"

"Just a little. It was very interesting, actually. The craftsmanship varied hugely, from tourist traps to masterworks." Reito grinned and shrugged. "Or should I say, this is what I expected of Kyoto?"

"This is what you'd expect of professionals everywhere, perhaps," I pointed out.

"And how did things go?" Reito asked me, with innocent directness.

"Very well, I'm sure," I said with reserve. "We saw many interesting things."

Now that's an understatement.

"Ah, here they come," Natsuki said, crossing her arms impatiently. "They're late, aren't they? Those two are way too careless."

"I think they have a minute to go," I said.

"Same difference. Earlier is better, I don't like waiting around."

"We're waiting for the car, either way," I pointed out.

"Good evening," Mai said brightly, looking between us. "Have a good time?"

Natsuki nodded. "Yep. Though it was long, so I'll tell you later."

"Hmm." She glanced mischievously later. "Then I'll have every interesting detail, as well. Just in the interests of accuracy."

For some reason, I flushed slightly, even though I was completely innocent. Part of the problem is that Mai-chan is a little less innocent than I'd think, at least now.

"There's nothing too interesting to say," Natsuki said. "Mostly. Well, whatever. I'm sure you could say far more interesting things."

"Who? Us? We're completely innocent, aren't we, Yuuichi?" Mai asked playfully.

"Innocent and lost," Tate said sourly, looking away. A moment later he winced when Mai-chan stepped on his foot.

And if Mai-chan's changed, despite all circumstances my subordinate has not learned any better sense of timing than the one he had before. Perhaps that's for the best.

I'm glad they also had fun, though. It makes me feel less guilty, though it's only just now that I remembered that emotion at all. Things are simpler when it's just Natsuki and I, I think. They complicate with others, and they complicate when I am alone.

Though if I think, tomorrow I'm probably going to a trial, and in any case I haven't solved anything with my parents, or helped Natsuki study, and sooner than we'd like we'll have to part, so-

"Hey, Shizuru," Natsuki said. "We're gonna do this again sometime, right?"

I smiled and nodded. "Of course. Every day might be nice, but that would be a little much, after all…"

Those things don't change now, though. And, perhaps, neither does the past. At least I can believe that in this moment.


	61. Chapter 61

**Windows of the Soul: Part Sixty-One**

.

* * *

"Well, we're back," Natsuki mused, putting a hand on her hip. She held the bag in her other hand. "You know, I really am getting used to seeing this place."

"That's all to the good," I said, smiling amicably. "I want you to think of my house as your own."

"Oh? Can I sell it?" Natsuki asked, smirking at me.

"Probably not. Otousama would kill all the estate agents you'd send round," I pointed out. "Might be worth a try, all the same."

"Right? You know, I can actually imagine that…"

"And while we're on the subject, I'll deal with anything concerning the kimono," I reassured her. "I'm sure there won't be a problem." Probably, anyway.

"Fine. I'll leave it to you," Natsuki said. "I'm sure Shin-chan would understand."

I giggled, smiling at the memory. "She's altogether something different, but every time Okasama wrote that, I thought she was only referring to the kimono she makes. Not quite so, is it?"

"I wonder what the old man would say if I called him Shin-chan?" Natsuki mused, walking up the steps.

"I wouldn't recommend finding out, myself," I said gravely. "Or, at least, you can deal with anything concerning that."

"Yes, yes."

I opened the door myself, preferring that to waiting on the doorbell, stepping inside and holding it open to the others. "Well, I had a very interesting time," I said, looking at them. "Thank you all for everything."

"I'll bet you did," Tate said, smirking and turning his head away.

"That's very rude," Mai said reproachfully, while I flushed. "And don't worry, Shizuru-san. We all had fun as well."

"Seriously," Natsuki said. "It's always either sorry or thanks with you."

"That's the meaning of an outmoded concept called manners," I said with dignity, closing my eyes.

"Manners are impolite amongst friends," Reito quipped, passing me. "In any case, is there anything else? I could do with a rest, after being up all day. Though I need to find Mikoto as well, of course…"

"I'm sure she'll be fine without you for now," I replied. "Resting sounds like a good idea. For me, too, actually."

"I wonder," Reito said, walking off. "I'll need to reassure myself first, I think."

"Me too," Mai said, walking after him. "You can go back if you like. I'll find her."

"There's no need, I assure you I can take of it, for all my complaint," Reito said, stopping and turning around. "If I trespassed on your time, that would make me feel guilty."

"Not at all. If you always take care of her, I'd be the one feeling guilty, right?" Mai said brightly.

Tate sighed, rubbing his forehead. "Can I go, then? I don't really care, but it looks like you two have things covered anyway."

"You can't do that," Mai protested. "How would poor Shiho-chan think? You should be a considerate brother like Reito-san."

"That's right. I think it would be better if you come, Tate-kun," Reito suggested, smiling. "You'd be very much of great help to us."

Tate sighed. "Why me?"

"In any case, we'd better go, right, Shizuru?" Natsuki asked pointedly.

"I'm afraid so," I said, touching my cheek regretfully. "Okasama wants to see us about the kimono."

"Right, right, so off we go," Natsuki said, practically dragging us by the shoulder out of the firing line.

"You should take responsibility!"

"Which is exactly why I can and should take care of this… you should relax, Mai-chan. We can handle everything."

"And you know, I still have no idea why I'm included in that assessment."

I headed towards the lounge, smiling at Natsuki. "It's a little cute, isn't it?"

"Hmm? I suppose so," Natsuki agreed. "But I'm not taking part, all the same."

I smiled, touching my lips. "Well, quite. But though those two talk a lot about how much of a pain Mikoto-chan can be, even so, they still make sure they have a place. Once Mai's ensured her Tate time, anyway."

"Thanks to you," Natsuki observed, rather inaccurately. "But that's how it goes, isn't it? It's not like those two would really say it, either. Not their style."

"You're right, of course. That's what's cute."

"Of course, you do the same thing," Natsuki said, glancing sidelong at me and sighing. "Don't get so righteous, okay?"

"Ara, Ara," I said, smiling at her. "Natsuki thinks I'm cute? That's very flattering."

"Since when did I say that, idiot?" Natsuki said. "Don't draw conclusions for yourself."

"Fine, fine. But you're a little dishonest like that, too," I said, giving her a lively look. "Like just now. So, Natsuki is also cute."

"Do you really score highest in the year with this kind of logic?" Natsuki muttered, but she was still smiling. "Honestly, that's just silly."

"What can I say? A gift's a gift." I folded my arms, feeling amused. "Perhaps you should try it, if we're so worried about your exams."

"No thanks."

I giggled again. "Too bad. Well, it was worth a try. In any case, shall we do a little work? I know it's late, but even so."

"Oh. I'm so damn tired, though," Natsuki complained. "Do I have to?"

"Well, it would be for the best," I said, stopping before the door to the lounge. "But, if you're too tired that's also fine. There's no point in studying anyway, if that's the case."

"Hey, what are you doing, asking me?" Natsuki demanded, pouting at me. "That makes me feel like I'm responsible."

"Oh? Would it be better if ordered you to work?" I asked. "I can do that if you like."

"That's not what I mean at all, damnit," Natsuki said. "Stop misrepresenting me, already."

"Well, we can do whatever Natsuki likes. That's all."

She sighed. "Fine. We'll see if we can do a little work. I'm not at my best, either, though, but I've been in worse situations while tired. I can deal with it."

I smiled. "That's very military thinking. It isn't that important. But if you're sure, I've no objection to it."

"Hey, are you tired yourself?" Natsuki asked suddenly. "If that's the case, then we shouldn't."

"I'm okay," I replied. "It's fine." I opened the door and stepped through, blinking.

"It's not fine, though. Think about your own health as well, damnit, I'm forgetful." Natsuki stopped, looking up. "Hey, you guys."

"Ah. This is convenient," Otousama said, putting down his tea and glancing at us. "We need to talk to the two of you about something."

I tried to make sure my face didn't move, but those words hit me low in the stomach. Probably, I tensed a little. Is that enough? More importantly, is this really it? "I see. Shall I sit down?"

"Be gentle, dear," Otousama chided. "They've just got back. In any case, we can wait for longer, if you want a rest. Some time tonight would be convenient, though."

"I'm okay," I said, in spite of the irrational desire to flee. "What do you think, Natsuki?"

"Might as well do it now," Natsuki said, sitting down and leaning back slightly. "That's fine, right?"

"I suppose so," I said, sitting besides her. "Well, how can we help you all?"

Saaya glanced at her. "Ah, very impatient. You should relax a little, Shizuru-chan. You can go back after this without problems."

I glanced at her, trying to make sense of that. So, was it okay, or had she decided to tell them after all? Whatever Saaya says, she'll probably always do what she thinks best for Okasama…

"That's right. More importantly, I'm curious," Okasama said, leaning forwards. "Did you all have fun?"

I nodded. "I think so, yes. We saw a lot of interesting things."

"Did you visit the temples?" Otousama asked. "It's been a long time, hasn't it, for you?"

"Well, I visited the shrine at Fuka regularly," I said in a low voice. Which is rather overstating the case, but it can't be helped. I was young, no? "And we did visit a temple, yes."

"Hmm." He didn't look particularly impressed by the trick of words.

"Don't be too tedious, dear. They're supposed to be having fun with everyone," Saaya said. "Including the younger ones who don't share your tastes, and others. So, what else did you do?"

I flushed slightly, straining my eyes and trying to remember what Reito had said he'd done all day. But, I didn't have much time, and in any case I hadn't remembered to listen to him on the way back. I was talking with Natsuki again. A disgracefully uncharacteristic error… "Well, we went to the monkey park," I said uncertainly. "That was entertaining. And we also did shopping, of various kinds."

Mikoto wanted to look at the swords, right? That should be safe.

"Shopping?" Okasama smiled. "Oh, did you manage to take care of the thing I asked of you?"

I nodded hurriedly, smiling. Good. This should also be safe, and distract their attention. "I did, actually. Natsuki was measured, and they're preparing it."

"That's wonderful," Okasama said, clapping her hands and beaming. "Thank you both for your co-operation. I hope you understand, Natsuki-chan. It's a surprise present of thanks and our esteem."

"I wonder about that," Otousama said dryly. "Well, either way. You can get away with it."

"Hey, it's not like I asked for this," Natsuki said. "Though, you know, I'm still grateful. But don't blame me if you're unhappy."

"Gratefulness aside, it's grace that you lack."

"In any case," I said, hurriedly interrupting the two of them before that went any further. "That's not to say there weren't certain, uh, problems associated with the procedure. In the end, I decided to buy a matching one for myself." Which also sounds weird. "That's to say, Natsuki isn't used to them, so she wants reassurance that I'll go with her when she's wearing it," I said lamely.

Natsuki snorted slightly but said nothing.

"Well, you don't have to apologise," Okasama said warmly. "It's not ideal that you wear kimono you'd pick yourself anyway. I'll be interested in seeing what you came up with."

"Where did you send her, anyway?" Otousama asked.

"Oh, I didn't recommend any place in particular," Okasama said innocently. "I thought it would be better if she made her own mind up."

"So that's why," I said, slightly surprised. I wonder how much time she thinks we had.

"So, where did you go?" Otousama asked.

"There was a place Otousama referenced in several of her letters," I said. "Apparently, they were always very good. The owner was an elderly woman called Kikuchi-san."

Otousama snorted. "I see. Then, speaking frankly, was it really your choice to buy a second? Or did she talk you into it?"

I winced to myself. "Well, there may have been something of that to it. She made a very convincing case, though…"

"Of course," Otousama said. "All the same, you should be far more careful, Shizuru. If you don't immediately take control of a situation like that, the opposite will occur. Least of all with a woman like her. That's too careless."

"Even if you say that, dear, I seem to recall you went through the same process yourself," Okasama said innocently. "Three times or more, and I'm worse. So, I'm not sure we're best placed to lecture her about obasan's talents."

"I thought we'd agreed not to use that witch again," Otousama said sourly.

"Bitter, Shin-chan?" Natsuki asked lightly. Otousama gave her a rather terrifying glare.

Saaya smiled, trying not to giggle. "I don't know about that. And besides, you didn't say anything to Shizuru-chan, right?"

"And, in any case, I merely agreed in principle," Okasama said smugly. "Though it can be troublesome, but she's so good at that precisely because she's been doing this for longer than I've existed. True expertise is priceless, no?"

"That's so, but priceless is relative," Otousama said, folding his arms. "And frankly I'd far prefer it if pricelessness came a little cheaper."

"Oh, you're just being a cheapskate. We're keeping the currency in circulation, no?" Okasama giggled. "It's for the good of the economy, least of all when America is like this."

Otousama grunted. "Well, fine. I won't argue, as it is your area."

"Do you have to make everything sound so managerial?" Okasama pouted. "You know I wasn't thinking that way at all."

He sighed, rubbing his forehead and smiling slightly. "You're right, I suppose. Sorry about that."

I blinked despite myself. A flash, though, and it was gone, replaced by his usual cool regard.

"In any case, that's settled. Thank you, both of you." Okasama smiled. "I'll be looking forwards to it."

"Not at all," I said politely, glad that the conversation had turned out anything but dangerous.

But obasan really is something-

"So, what else did you buy?" Saaya asked. "What's in the bag?"

"The bag?" Okasama and I said that simultaneously; she smiled apologetically at me, then carried on. "Oh, I see it… what is it like?"

"Takashimaya," Saaya said, stepping towards us. "A fairly small bag, as you can see. I'm a little curious."

"Oh? Perhaps you did some more clothes shopping, Shizuru?" Okasama said enthusiastically. "You're a good girl. Show me, show me."

I smiled at her spirit, before remembering that this really wasn't the time. "Well, it isn't anything so interesting-"

"Seriously!" Natsuki said, cradling the bag on her lap. "You can't touch this, it's forbidden! And boring!"

"Really? But I'm just curious," Okasama said. "Now you have me really interested, actually."

"What's with that Shizuru-like attitude?" Natsuki demanded.

"Thanks," Saaya said, slipping her hand into the bag before Natsuki could move. "Hope you don't mind."

Before we could say anything, she pulled something out.

"Ara," Okasama said quietly. "That's rather bright."

"A bikini," Saaya said, sounding satisfied. "That's sweet. Planning a trip to the beach?"

"Give that back," Natsuki said, trying to snatch it. Saaya moved deftly out of range. "Hey, this is unfair! Stop it, already!"

"You're all women, save I, twice your age," Otousama said shortly. "Just humour them without question. That, suffice to say, is easier."

"Don't you read the news? That really isn't a safe age any more," Natsuki pointed out, flailing after Saaya. "And you, stop it, you panty thief!"

"Hmm. What does it look like?" Okasama asked curiously.

"Though I'm not sure if that's appropriate," Otousama said abruptly.

"Seriously!" Natsuki said forcefully.

"It's unfair. You've all seen it already, anyway? How is this any different?" Okasama pouted.

Otousama nodded, turning his head away. "Point taken. Go ahead."

"A blue string bikini top," Saaya said smugly, darting behind the sofa. "Rather daring, and for someone rather Shizuru-like. Or her?"

"Shut up, damnit," Natsuki said, circling the sofa. "Shizuru, help me out already!"

I blinked myself out of my fugue. "Natsuki, pass!" I suggested, raising my arms.

"Fine," Natsuki said, raising the bag to throw.

I was surprised that Saaya could evade Natsuki for this long. But this rather confirmed a niggling suspicion. My personal guess is that when she's, ah, agitated, Natsuki's moves becomes more slack and erratic. That's a very human quality, which is why calmness and patience is taught in kenjutsu. If I'm right, she can certainly overcome this weakness.

In the meantime, though, the bag fell well short, sliding to a stop just short of me. The other parts of the other bikini, including my equally interesting yellow one, fell out the other side.

And I'm not going to comment any further on that incident. Natsuki feels the same way.

"So, you're planning on going to the beach?" Okasama asked. "That's nice. I'm a little jealous. My last time was a good twenty years ago. I was younger, but even so it didn't end well."

"That's a real shame," I said sympathetically, and meaning it. "I'm sorry."

"Not at all. I'm used to it. In any case, please don't feel guilty just because of me, no? That would make me feel guilty." Okasama cocked her head, smiling. "You two should have fun."

"We can do more things now, though," Otousama pointed out. "If I organise things properly, it shouldn't be a problem. At worst, I am sure we could manage."

"But that would be far more trouble than it's worth," Okasama began.

"There's no such thing. If you want to do it, it is fine. I can't promise to eliminate the risk, though."

"That's very sweet of you. Hmm. What do you think, Saaya?" Okasama asked. "Would it be safe?"

"I'm not sure, though it's true we have more resources now," Saaya remarked. "We should discuss it later, but not now."

Please don't find in favour of the motion. I love my family, but I'm also sure that if I find them and Natsuki in a bikini on the same beach, my head must inevitably explode from the contradictory pressures.

"That's very true," Okasama said reasonably, glancing back at me. "Well, are the others prepared as well?"

"I think they already have the right swim-wear," I said awkwardly. "I'm not sure, though. Natsuki?"

"Probably," she agreed.

"The right swim-wear, is it?" Saaya said, sounding amused. "If it's you two after all, you're really going all out. It's a fine thing, being young…"

"Not really," Natsuki said in a low voice.

"Hmm. Don't tell me you're hoping to be picked up?" Okasama teased. "That's a little cute, Shizuru, but it makes me worry, you know."

"Please spare us what's left of our dignity," I said formally, clapping my hands together and bowing my head.

Okasama giggled. "Oh, don't be soft. If you're wearing them, you should be proud. As Saaya says, you're young, so you should remember. You're only young once, so don't do anything by half-measures. It's better to go all the way!"

Otousama coughed. "Within reason. There are also limits."

"There are?" Okasama asked playfully, touching her chin. "I see. Is that company policy?"

She really is in her element at times like this. I've no idea why, but I suppose Saaya and her have to entertain themselves somehow when no one else is around.

Not in that sense.

Otousama clapped his hands twice, looking vaguely embarrassed. "In any case," he said firmly. "If we can move on from friendly conversation, perhaps we should discuss the matter in hand?"

Okasama nodded, looking more solemn. "As you say, dear."

I just nodded, feeling a renewed apprehension. There's no way, right?

Otousama leaned forwards slightly, glancing between us. "This is concerning the trial tomorrow, and the two of you specifically."

I nodded, putting my hands on my knees. "I… see."

I didn't feel very reassured, though. And a small but insistent part of me was wondering how I'd managed to forget about that in only a day. You'd think I would have concentrated on the important things.

The problem with that, of course, is that you could argue that I have.

"I've been consulting with our lawyers, but they've made no major headway," Otousama said. "Apparently, the judge is backing this strange schedule fully, and they don't have the time to construct a proper case. I've made them work, but it would be a miracle if we gained a postponement now. Especially since you said you didn't mind."

"I'm sorry, Tou-sama," I said respectfully. "I've inconvenienced you by doing what I did."

"I don't see the problem," Natsuki said dismissively. "Let's face it, nothing gets more open and shut than that, right?"

"More than you'd think. It's certain that she had a murderous intent, which is a relief. If she'd portrayed the matter as a kidnapping gone-wrong, that could drag things out. Even as things stand, her bizarre confession in itself represents some kind of insanity defence. Hopefully that has already been broken down by the police." Otousama shrugged. "Though the public are on our side, of course, but that's not of great help. Either way, even so, there's little reason to doubt the right outcome for us."

"Then let's get it over with," Natsuki suggested. "I'm fed up of having this hanging over my head."

"Don't worry," Okasama said. "We will all be with you, and things will surely turn out just fine."

Natsuki nodded. "I know. But still."

I glanced at her, concerned, and glad to be concerned. It gave me something else to think about, apart from my spiralling and uncomfortable recollections.

"There will be a state prosecutor, as usual," Otousama said. "He has a good record, and is well thought-of, but I would be more at ease if one of my contacts was taking the case. We have no choice, though."

I nodded vaguely. Because that's the thing, of course. Though I might enjoy pretending to be and act innocent, I'm still tied to my past. To all of that.

"All the same, one will brief you beforehand, which should help," Otousama said. "Your roll should be straight-forwards. So there isn't any need to be afraid. Answering clearly and honestly is more than enough."

"Don't worry, we can handle it," Natsuki assured him. "Right, Shizuru?"

I blinked. "Yes? Yes. There's no problem."

"Good. That's everything." Otousama stood. "If you've already eaten, I suggest you go to bed now. Sleep is important."

And I doubt I'll get much.

"Don't worry," Okasama repeated. "It will be fine."

Natsuki stood, offering me her hand. "Come on," she said. "Let's go."

I hesitated for a moment, then took it, letting her help me up. I need to focus and clear my mind. This is too dependent, and I'm worrying everyone. So I let go of her hand.

It's too bad. Her hand was warm.

"I guess we'd better not study tonight, right?" Natsuki asked nervously. "Or do you want to do it?"

"I suppose it mightn't be a good idea," I said listlessly. "Perhaps."

"Then that's fine," Natsuki said, sounding worried. She gave me a look. "You holding up okay?"

I glanced at her, forcing a smile. "I'm okay," I said, which was as close to 'I'm fine' as I thought I could allow myself to go. "I'll manage."

"You have it tough," Natsuki said. "You know, it upsets me. None of this was necessary!"

"Right," I said heavily. "But, as things are now, it can't be helped."

Natsuki gave me another worried look, then touched me on the shoulder. "Well, they're right. I'm right. We just have to get it over with, right. It'll be easy, you're really good at this stuff."

"You're right."

"Right? It'll be fine."

When I looked up, Natsuki was staring at my face. "Yes?"

"Nothing," Natsuki said automatically, turning away briefly. Then she looked again. "Hey, Shizuru…"

"Yes?" I repeated. Perhaps I could have made things easier for her, but I wasn't in the mood to make a guess.

Natsuki put her hands behind her back, looking embarrassed. "Uh… I'm just wondering, and maybe this is strange, but… well…" She closed her eyes for a moment, then glanced steadily at my eyes. "Do you want to sleep with me?"

I blinked, stopping and flushing furiously. "Natsuki?" I asked. I didn't hear that. There's no way, surely?

"No, no, not like that!" Natsuki said hurriedly, waving her hands. "I mean, not yet. Maybe later, and it's not like I'm… no. What I mean is, do you want to sleep in the same room as me? You know, like we've done before." Natsuki looked away, blushing crimson. "If it would help."

I smiled, genuinely pleased. "That's a very kind offer, Natsuki. I really appreciate it. I'd love to do it- but it might be a little too risky, doing that. No?" I gave her a nervous look; worried she'd be offended.

She certainly looked something. Disappointed? "Well, you're right," she said, smiling weakly. "I guess that'd be too strange, right? Sorry about that."

"It's not strange," I said, before stopping. I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to say.

"Normal is fine," Natsuki assured me, stopping by her room. She nodded briefly at me. "So… good night, Shizuru."

"Good night," I said, walking her step inside and close the door. I turned away and opened the door to my own room, feeling even worse than before. Even though I had a good reason, but still. She might be offended. She probably was offended.

That's another of my worst aspects.

"So you're back?"

I whirled round, confronting a pink-haired squatter in the centre of the room. "Shiho-chan?"

"The one and only," Shiho said, with just a hint of irony. She looked up at me curiously, as one would look at a cat, and waited patiently.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, sitting down. "Shouldn't you be with the others?"

This is a pain. I was in the mood for falling over altogether and trying desperately for sleep. But I can't do that now.

"Because I'm curious. Besides, they don't mind." Shiho folded her arms. "Do you want to just talk, or shall we cut to the interesting bit?"

"Let's do the latter," I said tiredly. I just want to go to sleep.

"Then what is your relationship with Kuga?" Shiho asked curtly.

I blinked, trying to find words. "You mean-"

"It's a simple question, isn't it?" Shiho asked loudly. "Are you two all love-love, or not yet? Tell me clearly."

"Don't say strange things so loud," I suggested worriedly. And Natsuki is next door. If Shiho's talking this loudly, there's no way she won't here.

"Why are you so embarrassed?" Shiho demanded. "I mean, yeah, you're really weird. But fine. At least be decisive about it, you know?"

"Things aren't so simple that I can answer very loudly," I replied. "There are complications."

"So what?" Shiho pouted. "Come on. Just tell me already."

I hesitated, then leaned forwards, whispering into her ear. "Well, in a manner of speaking… I'm in a relationship with Natsuki."

"You mean you're going out and kissing and everything, right?" Shiho said, with absolutely no regard for my discretion or her surroundings.

Even so, I didn't have the spirit to tell her off. I just looked away, nodding weakly. "I suppose so."

"Honestly, sound more definite," Shiho suggested, playing with her knees. "And cooler, too. But those two were right."

"Those two?" I asked worriedly.

"Mai and that Reito guy," Shiho said. She leaned forwards, putting her palms on the futon. "But you know, you're horrible, Shizuru-san! I was supporting you, but you didn't tell me anything at all."

You were? I managed to avoid articulating that thought, nodding instead. "I'm… sorry. I couldn't think of a good time."

"Is there a bad time?" Shiho asked sarcastically. "Anyway, it's not like I didn't guess from everything, but you should definitely tell me."

"I'm sorry," I repeated.

"Anyway, how was your first date?" Shiho asked, leaning forwards. "Was it strange? Fun? Exciting?"

"I don't really feel like talking about it," I murmured softly.

She gave me another long look. "Strange girl. You know, all girls love talking about their dates. I know Mai does it all the damn time, thanks."

"She does?" I asked curiously. "Who to?"

"That's not the important thing here!" Shiho said forcefully. "You should tell me all the details, in order to make up for not telling me you'd done it."

I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

"I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that," I said awkwardly.

"Why?" Shiho asked, with a child's directness.

"Because, well, it just seems strange to be talking about it," I said. To a girl your age, especially.

"You're definitely weird," Shiho said. "Not to mention boring." She sighed. "I guess there's no helping it."

"Well, if it was just Natsuki, I'd be fine," I said, feeling unduly defensive. "But there are circumstances, like the trial, and my parents as well, so-"

Shiho grunted, rolling over and walking on all fours towards me. Mikoto really is rubbing off on her. She stopped close to my face, frowning slightly.

"Uh," I began.

"You're the crazy one, right?" Shiho said briefly.

I blinked. "Sorry?"

"You're the crazy one who smashed up the First District, right?" Shiho asked. "And some other stuff, too, though no one told me what. Right?"

I flushed, turning away. "That's right, so-"

"So what? You didn't care about all sorts of things before, because of her." Shiho sighed again. "I don't get it. If you were that dedicated, why are you busy worrying about all that lame stuff? It's strange, isn't it?"

"Well, now I understand a little better the danger that passion posed," I said sharply. "If you idolise it, you're stupid or worse."

"So, you don't love her now?"

"I didn't say that! You should kindly stop twisting my words!"

"But you're a couple now," Shiho said, leaning back. "There's no problem, right? Passion is fine because you have permission."

I blinked, and tried to think of an answer to that. "But, my parents are also-"

"Oh, I give up! You're being really lame." Shiho stood, brushing herself off. "Well, do what you like. It's not like I care if Kuga is fine with this."

I blinked. Was that really how it was?

Shiho stomped past me, stopping by the door briefly. "Congratulations," she said quietly, before stepping through and slamming the door after her. But I wasn't even offended by that.

I lay back and thought for a while, of various things. And after some deliberation I stood, rolled up my futon and picked it up, heading for the door. That made me blush, because this was embarrassing, and I was seriously scared of anyone seeing me. Putting the morning itself aside, even. But perhaps that's less important than this.

I knocked, then opened the door when she said I could. She was lying on her own futon when I came in and she glanced up at me. "Yes?"

"Can I still take you up on that?" I asked nervously, clutching my bedding like some kind of doll.

Natsuki gave me a long look, then nodded. "Of course. Make yourself at home."


	62. Chapter 62

**Windows of the Soul: Part Sixty-Two**

Thanks for all your support. As I thought, you're all fluff-heads really. And while I'm still uncomfortable with writing it, it's becoming more enjoyable for me too. Besides, the girls deserve it.

Exam season is gearing up so I may have to slow updates or put this into hiatus for a bit. But this is just an advanced warning, I'm okay for now.

* * *

More so than before, again, I remember vivid things. Time after time we collect odd memories, after all. It's a bit of a pain, especially when they run through my dreams so brightly, and so messily. Sometimes she smiles and sometimes she cries. I am there, and I have to be there, and her emotions and her gaze and her body are all fluid. Evocative. And there's also that side of her that still looks down with distant regard, strength, control, terrifying me. So I have very fevered and confused dreams, you know. My body aches from their intensity, which is the intensity of my feelings. I love Shizuru, and I am afraid of Shizuru. I know. I know I still haven't rendered that concern an irrelevance, it still haunts my shadows even though light and her smile can banish it. It's tough, you know? I don't want to make her sad. And there isn't really anyone I know who I can ask for help. Not for this. It's too… embarrassing.

Too, so much so, why are you dating her? It would be reasonable not to do so. Sensible. But this isn't just a stubborn kindness. At least, I don't think so. I love her, but even that can't simply banish those doubts. That's why I can't tell people, I guess, because they wouldn't be able to advise me anyway. There's nothing to say. Slowly and surely, perhaps, I'll overcome this. In the meantime I'll trust my instincts, which is also to say my feelings. In any case she still needs me to protect her, and to protect her smile.

And now, when I turn my head, I can see her. Isn't that some kind of miracle in itself? She's sleeping soundly, too, hair tangled in an untidy way around her. If you'd told me that she got bed hair before, I wouldn't have believed you. But I've seen it several times, now. It's worse than I am. She's frowning, though; perhaps she's having a bad dream. I guess I can't do anything, even if I am here. I'm too tired, and nothing springs to mind. But her sleeping face is cute, even when she's frowning. It calms me to look at her like that. I mean, it's not just that she's asleep and I'm awake, though that's also part of it. But she looks different from normal. Or something. I suppose that she always worked so hard to be perfect, somehow distant, certainly different from the other people around her. And I believed in that intangible quality without question. I've seen more of her now, though, much more, and met the man who instilled that drive in her and the woman who guided her graceful steps and waited as she struggled and raged and cried and slept. So the Shizuru I'm looking at now isn't the same one I used to know. She's riddled with imperfections, pain, sadness, vulnerable in her own way, overwhelmingly human. She even makes simple mistakes and gets embarrassed from time to time, is uncertain, afraid she'll go too far. Really, she's just a girl, right? It's her well-kept secret. Despite that, she seems very warm now. More than ever before, though she smiles less, and more and more, I'll admit I guess I love her.

Is this a lover's monologue? I don't know, I'm not good at this stuff. But I'd never parade it out loud for the convenience of those listening. I'm still me, so I can't really articulate this even to you. Perhaps you can hear me in your dreams. But I'd like to hold your head in my lap, Shizuru. Would you smile?

I looked up at the ceiling again, closing my eyes and rubbing my forehead. Shit, this really isn't like me, is it? I blame being tired.

Maybe I should get up? Even if it's just this much, being caught this way might upset you. But I don't really want to move. And you did come. It's a contradiction, isn't it? Our gravity together, because we always somehow end up closer than before, and your desire to be guarded, to be proper, what people expect of you. It must be tough. You've always had ambivalent feelings, haven't you? Before, strange, wrong, you used those words, you never let yourself understand your own sincere feelings, and you never let them show. If you'd thought differently, perhaps, things would have been different. But I didn't understand myself either. I don't, even now, so much as I would like, though I know myself a little more and know what I've been meaning for a while. Cute things, warm things, a closeness, you're neither friend nor family, but something else. Now, and perhaps before. We both messed up a lot, but somehow still we're here. But, you're still holding yourself back. Is that really for your parents, Shizuru? Or is this part of the same thing that constrained you before and after, your self-conscious and guilty side? It makes my head hurt, when I really don't understand at all. It upsets me. And with that frown, is this what you're thinking? I don't know. I hope not.

I sat up, because it felt like I should be doing something. And I held up the covers and I wasn't sure why. You know, this is all your fault. I'm me. I deal in the emphatic, the imperative, action rather than words, rigid certainties with no regard for squishy human feeling. Or so I liked to say before. You saw the reality, perhaps a little sooner than I saw your reality. I'm also just a girl. And you draw me into your ambivalence and complexity. I love you, and I love family, or the shadow of the family I never had, at least. So I get it. But it's not a restraining impulse, but rather the reverse. I don't find it that easy to step aside, and I don't just want to reassure you. You know, it makes me feel like I should do more to keep you by my side. Even if it's a little dangerous, as you'd put it. And I'm not even afraid when I do that. I enjoy it, in a breathless way. I want you to be mine… I get that as well. It's also part of your contradiction.

And I wasn't sure whether I should get dressed, or sit down and wait for you to wake up. Viola does that, doesn't she? That woman's care and regard is difficult to deal with.

Getting dressed might be best, actually. Whether you wake next to me or not, I'm not exactly wearing very much right now… and annoyingly, I don't have much to wear. For a courtroom, right? Shit. That should have sprung to mind sooner. So I dressed in my casual clothes. It makes sense to me, and frankly if I try to wear anything else I'll feel even more uncomfortable. It's fine to stick to what I know, I guess. Or would that cause problems? I have no idea, you know. I haven't actually been in a court before, in spite of everything I ended up involved with. It's probably going to be tough, especially for you. Is that woman going to be there? Surely, yes. That's going to be hard. For you, but also for me, because I'd like to kick her face in. Honestly, for fuck's sake, just moving on is fine, right?

My fingers stopped just after they finished zipping up my jeans. Yeah, I probably shouldn't forget the fact that she's like me.

After a few moments, someone opened the door and glanced in. "Ah, found her. That's okay, then."

"Saaya, huh?" I asked without looking round, hurriedly throwing a shirt on.

"Precisely," Saaya said brightly, stepping inside. "So this is where you hid our sleeping princess?"

"That's very cute," Viola murmured, stepping in after her. "You two really care close…"

"I thought I told you to knock first?" I demanded hotly, looking for my jacket. "Show some courtesy."

"Sorry. We were a little worried, with a disappearing Shizuru-chan," Saaya said. "Though you two sure have made a habit of that, every now and then."

"It's not like it's a habit or anything," I said defensively, finally tracking it down and grabbing it. "Sometimes things come up, okay?"

"I'm sure," Viola said delicately, sitting next to Shizuru. "Well, work hard, Natsuki-chan."

"I'll do that anyway," I replied awkwardly, throwing my jacket on and turning to lean against the wardrobe. It was probably just as well that Shizuru was still asleep. "When do we begin?"

"We're leaving at ten, but we have some time to prepare first," Viola said.

"Beyond that, are you confident about those clothes?" Saaya asked. "Something a bit more formal might be more appropriate, you know."

"I'll take comfortable over appropriate any day," I said, trying to sound bold. "Besides, wearing something strange might put me off."

"Well, perhaps," Saaya admitted. "What do you think, Viola?"

"That should be okay," she replied amicably. "I can't imagine there will be any major objections."

"A very complacent attitude," Saaya chided, sitting down and poking Viola in the forehead. "Well, fine."

"I'll wait outside," I said abruptly, turning and walking towards the door.

"You should wait here," Viola suggested, glancing up at me. "I'm sure she'd approve."

I paused for a moment, hesitating. "I can't just wait around," I began, not sure why I was protesting.

"There's no harm in it, right? And now many of the others are up, either," Viola pointed out, smiling. "It's just us and Shinri, as far as I know."

"Wonderful," I said dryly, sitting a little away from them.

Shizuru made a small noise, shifting herself. Viola smiled, looking down slightly with her pinkish eyes.

"This girl is too spoiled," Saaya murmured, looking at me with something approaching amusement.

Shizuru blinked up at Viola, then pushed herself up, yawning. "Okasama?"

"Good morning, Shizuru."

"Oh. It's today, isn't it?" she said, straightening herself. "I'm sorry, I'll get ready right away…"

"Relax," I suggested. "There's no need to be too rushed."

"Natsuki?" Shizuru twisted her neck to look at me, flushing slightly. "Oh. Right."

"Good morning," I said, trying not to be embarrassed myself. At least she was wearing more than I had been.

"Don't worry, Shizuru. We still have plenty of time, after all," Viola said, smiling slightly. "Resting a little more is fine."

"How can I think that when everyone is waiting on me?" Shizuru asked stubbornly.

"Well, Hideko is still fetching your clothes," Saaya said calmly. "Until then, there's not much we can do. I can take care of your hair, if you like."

Shizuru nodded. "Please."

Saaya reached into her kimono, pulling a comb from somewhere, and started to work out the tangles. Shizuru slipped into a more comfortable sitting position, looking between us. "So, today's really the day," she said more quietly.

"That's right," Viola replied. "Worried?"

"A little," Shizuru admitted quietly.

And that really surprised me, if I'm honest. She doesn't normally admit things like that. Is it because she really is that worried? Or because it's us listening to her?

"That's good. If you weren't worried prior to something important like this, something would be wrong." Viola smiled. "But you know that, right?"

Shizuru made to nod, then stopped. "Yes. And nerves are necessary to concentrate absolutely, no? I remember that." She didn't sound very convinced, though.

"Exactly. The circumstances are very unhappy, but in objective terms this isn't any different from any other challenge you've faced before. You're intelligent and eloquent, not to mention photogenic." Viola glanced at me. "Natsuki-chan too. I'm no lawyer, but I'm sure that will be more than enough."

"Quite a cynical point of view. I'm a little shocked," Shizuru said, sounding a little more cheerful.

"Well, sounds realistic, doesn't it?" I said loudly. "Well, we're cute girls, so there's no way anyone will question us too hard."

"Hmm. Are you sure you don't want a dress, Natsuki-chan?" Saaya asked playfully.

"I'm sure!" I said, almost pantomime. Because nothing reassures someone like the ordinary, and our ordinary is pure theatre. Go figure.

* * *

It was rather embarrassing, being caught as I was by Okasama and Saaya. But less than I'd have thought, considering this had, for better or for worse, happened before. I'm sure they consider us as having a close sister-link relationship. For a given value of sure, taken to mean 'rather doubtful that'. Either way, though, there were more important things on my mind. Like the trial. It's funny how yesterday's trivia is today's priority, and vice versa. But though I'm not sure what I should have done, I'm also sure I should have done something more. Research. Preparation. At least write down what had happened and practise reading it through, so I was ready. Speaking for myself as I am right now, all of that seems natural. Sadly, my carefree yesterday self who spent a long time picking out swimwear with Natsuki disagreed. Well, maybe I don't regret that, per sae. But now I really am worried.

After a while spent chatting, with all of Natsuki's guileless good intentions and Okasama's more artful kindness, Hideko came in, carrying something I hadn't seen in a while. A suit. If I remembered correctly, it had been a birthday present from Otousama I'd never worn. Kimono always seemed more appropriate for what I was trying to achieve, even in business. But this, I suppose, is a little different.

"In any case, we'll go and get breakfast ready," Okasama suggested, clapping her hands together. "We weren't certainly exactly when you'd get up, as we wanted you to be rested. Is that okay?"

I nodded. "Please."

"I'll wait outside," Natsuki said shortly, standing. "Don't take too long, okay?"

"Hmm. Isn't waiting in here fine?" Saaya suggested, smiling slightly. "We're all girls here, after all."

"It's still her personal space," Natsuki said evasively, turning away. "It's the principle of the thing."

"Well, if you're sure…"

"Don't tease them, Saaya," Okasama chided. "Well, we'll be in the lounge. Catch up with us when you can."

I nodded. "I will. Don't worry, this shouldn't take too long."

Hideko was already unfolding the different parts of the suit as they were leaving. "Are you ready, Ojou-sama?"

"Please, go ahead," I said.

"Here," Hideko said, handing me the trousers.

I took them dubiously. "It's been a while since I last wore something like this, isn't it?" I asked quietly.

"So it has," Hideko agreed politely.

I put them on, grimacing at how they chafed against my legs. And Natsuki wore these things so much more often, of course, without complaint. Presumably you get used it after a while.

Hideko watched my struggles sympathetically. "How are you doing, Ojou-sama? Do you feel ready?"

I nodded vaguely. "I should be fine. Everyone is supporting me, after all. But, you heard?"

"Of course."

I shouldn't forget that, should I? "Of course," I echoed. "I'm sorry."

"Not at all. And how is Natsuki… Kuga-san?"

"I'm sure Natsuki-chan is fine. If you say it that way, I mean," I said. "That's how Saaya talks of her, isn't it?"

"I'm sure that wouldn't be appropriate," Hideko said, helping me into my blouse.

"Not at all. I give you permission," I said, smiling slightly.

"I'm not sure if that's the problem here," Hideko said. But she sounded amused, all the same.

"In any case, she's holding up surprisingly well," I said truthfully. "But I shouldn't be too surprised. She's confident and strong, after all."

"Certainly," Hideko agreed, letting me do up the buttons. "If it's Ojou-sama and Kuga… Natsuki-chan, then I don't have any reason to worry."

I giggled. "I'm sorry, I've confused you, haven't I?"

"Just a little. I'll try hard to learn." Hideko passed me my jacket. "Here."

I took it, shrugging it on experimentally. That also felt rather uncomfortable, but never mind. "I see. What do you think?"

"It isn't beautiful, but you do look very professional," Hideko said, giving me a critical inspection. "Very much your father's daughter."

"Is that so? Excellent." I sat on a chair by the mirror, holding out my hand. She passed me my socks instantly. "By the way, I'm sorry to trouble you. Being in this room as opposed to my own."

"Not at all," Hideko said. "It isn't a problem."

I pulled my socks on, feeling vaguely like this had been too short. "Could you help me with my hair?" I suggested at random.

Hideko's reflection blinked at me. "Hasn't it already been done?"

"Well, yes," I admitted. "But, I'd like it if you just checked briefly. I trust your judgement best."

A swiftly repressed smile told me that was the right answer. "Very well. As you please, Ojou-sama." She picked up a comb. "Is this okay? It might be a little unhygienic, using one of Natsuki-chan's combs."

"I don't mind. That's fine." I closed my eyes as she began to brush my head, wondering exactly why I was doing this. It really wasn't necessary, and Natsuki was waiting.

That was a thought, though. I glanced sidelong as Hideko's reflection, always calmly and solemnly working. She's a good person.

"Speaking frankly, but Ojou-sama needs to wash her hair," Hideko chided. "It's not impossible, but it is too bad that we don't have more time."

"Sorry about that," I said automatically.

"Not at all. It's my error."

"I wouldn't go that far." I glanced uncertainly at her reflection again, then took a breath. Say something. Say something and you were committed, right?

But it was so hard to say a word.

"Ojou-sama?" Hideko asked, giving my reflection a puzzled look.

"Nothing. Carry on." She nodded and did so, and then I felt so stupid that I had no choice. "Hideko, do you want to know something interesting?"

"What might that be, Ojou-sama?" Hideko asked politely.

"It's a secret," I said ambiguously. "A very important secret of mine. So, if I tell you, would you not tell anyone else?"

"Of course. I'm always discreet."

"Well, Saaya knows anyway," I admitted. But, now or never. "You see, I'm dating Natsuki."

There. I've said it. And the effort of that alone stripped me from any further words.

Hideko's comb stopped moving for a second. "Oh?"

"That's all," I said lamely.

She carried on. "Are you enjoying yourself?"

I gave her reflection a dark look. "What do you think?"

"About you and Natsuki-chan?"

"That's right."

"Is it very relevant, how I think?" Hideko asked, sounding almost curious.

"So you disapprove," I said, sounding a little angry. Not so much at the result, as at her evasions.

"That's not what I said," Hideko pointed out patiently. "But will what I think affect what you do, Ojou-sama?"

"No," I said.

"And I can assure that what I think will not affect what I do for Ojou-sama," Hideko said. "Or what I think of her. That's no different from any other matter."

"Your professionalism is commendable," I said, with a touch of irony. I suppose she is simply a functionary, after all.

"Though, if I felt that Ojou-sama was truly making a grave mistake, I would certainly tell her that. Even if it meant risking my position." Hideko put down the comb and started to ease my hair out, searching for any last rouge tangles. "But I've never needed to do that."

I nodded slightly. "Though of course, you didn't do that a few weeks ago…"

Maybe there was a hint of accusation in that.

"Even if I'd said anything, would that affect what you do, Ojou-sama?" Hideko repeated.

I laughed sourly. "No, probably not, I suppose."

Hideko nodded. "Precisely. All I can do is support you in my small ways, as I did then. I will continue to do that now and in future, too. That's my duty, but it's also what I want to do."

I nodded slowly, letting those words sink in. "Thank you for your kindness."

"Not at all. Thank you for trusting me with this." Hideko stepped back. "Though I'm a little surprised, but not totally so."

"Oh, really?" I asked, feeling rather worried.

"You two obviously get on very well, and Natsuki-chan obviously cares very much for Ojou-sama. I knew that even from our first brief meeting." Hideko folded her arms. "And then there was curiosity amongst the servants quarters, of course."

"Is that so?" I asked, sighing slightly. Wonderful.

"Though dismissed as baseless speculation by the butler, of course. Nonetheless our received wisdom dictated either Natsuki-chan or Minagi-san. The elder, of course."

"Reito?" I tried not to wince. Honestly, we get paired up way too much. "I see…"

"But idle rumour doesn't merit being spoken of," Hideko said dismissively. "Are you ready, Ojou-sama? You should go to breakfast."

"One moment," I said, turning sideways in my chair and looking at her. "Do you think I should tell my parents?"

"About Ojou-sama and Natsuki-chan?" Hideko asked. "I wouldn't venture to speculate. I know them less well than you do, and in any case, your judgement is the most important one."

"I suppose so," I admitted. Well, I suppose there wasn't anything else to expect.

"Though it's just my personal opinion, though, it feels like if Ojou-sama was committed to something, she would follow through on that path without hesitation," Hideko said. "But that's simply a feeling, not advice."

I nodded, standing. "How about a bet?"

Hideko blinked. "A bet?"

"A bet to see how well you know me, then," I explained.

Making things up as I went, perhaps. But sometimes I also fall pray to impulses, and this whole conversation had been just that. So.

"And this would entail?"

"If you're wrong, and I don't tell them by, say, the end of the week, you will have to tell me about all the gossip of the servants," I said thoughtfully. "Is that acceptable?"

"And if I'm right?" Hideko asked cautiously.

"If you're right, then you obviously know me well. So, you have to start calling me Shizuru," I suggested.

"I notice either result ends in an imperative directed at me," Hideko said, a hint of amusement sliding through her otherwise calm voice.

"Of course. I never claimed it was a fair bet, after all." I turned to her. "What do you think?"

Hideko shrugged then nodded. "Very well, if Ojou-sama approves. But on one condition."

"What is that?" I asked.

"Please do not tell anyone about this. I would surely be executed," she said solemnly.

I nodded. "Thank you for everything, Hideko. I don't know what I would do without you."

"Presumably, you'd make one less strange bet," Hideko suggested, turning back towards Natsuki's wardrobe and opening it. "Is that all, Ojou-sama?"

"That's all," I said. "Thank you." I walked towards the door, feeling both terrified and strangely relieved. Well, it's not like she outright endorsed me, either. But it's good enough, isn't it? And she doesn't feel unsympathetic.

Maybe I'm just looking for what I want to see, but if that's the case I'll still let it go. At least that method will give me a result, regardless.

Besides, if I really don't ever tell my parents, being able to keep track of household gossip through Hideko would be very useful for regulating rumours. Let it never be said I don't think these things through.

When I stepped out of my room, Natsuki was dully waiting. She gave me a dark look. "What took you so long?"

"You didn't hear?" I asked, vaguely surprised.

"You talk too quietly," Natsuki complained. "It was very boring."

"Well, I'll tell you later," I said. "Besides that, how do I look?"

Natsuki glanced at me thoughtfully. "Hmm. Weird to see you in trousers."

"I think so too," I agreed sadly, starting to walk towards the lounge.

"You look kinda scary and professional, though," Natsuki said. "I guess it makes you look older. Or else, it makes me feel dumb."

I smiled. "I can assure you, that isn't my intention."

"I'm sure…"

I was a little surprised to see who was waiting for us, when we reached the lounge. "Good morning."

"Good morning," Otousama said, looking up briefly from his newspaper. "Hmm. You'll do."

"You should be more flattering, Shinri," Okasama said. "Didn't you pick out that suit yourself?"

"Then it would be vain for me to compliment my own choices," Otousama replied, with his flawlessly bent logic.

"I'll go further," Reito said. "You look very formidable, Shizuru-san. I'm quite impressed."

"Thank you." I blinked. "I take it you didn't bring that with you?"

"This?" Reito asked, tugging his shirt. "That would be a little too much to ask at short notice. I am borrowing one from Shinri-san, and am greatly indebted as a result."

"I take it you're not going to represent us or something weird?" Natsuki asked sarkily, folding her arms.

"I'm afraid not. I'm not qualified." Reito smiled. "I'm going to support you two, of course, insofar as it is possible. And I've sent Mikoto to wake the others, so they can do the same."

"You shouldn't worry them," I said, sounding concerned. "Besides, this mainly concerns me. I don't want to involve them."

"We're all friends, aren't we?" Reito asked calmly. "We all have to stick together now, right?"

I sighed, smiling weakly. "You know, I'm not sure whether I'm comfortable with that. It feels a little-"

"It's fine, right?" Natsuki said carelessly. "It's not like they'd do anything useful with their time anyway."

"I'm sure everyone will want to support you both anyway," Okasama assured me. "Why don't you two sit down? Eat a good breakfast, at least."

"Well, though I get the principle, just how is it that everything turns into some kind of big group outing?" Natsuki asked dryly, sitting.

"Aren't things a lot more interesting that way?" Reito suggested, smiling.

"Normally, yeah. This is rather different, though."

"In any case, just as long as you don't get in the way of the actual proceedings, I don't have any objection to you at least coming as far as you can," Otousama said briefly. "We will be doing the same thing. What do you think, Shizuru?"

I shrugged. "If people want to come, then they can. But I don't want it to be seen as an obligation."

"Even though they're staying here?" Natsuki asked playfully. "You know, I took a knife to the knee to pay for my daily bread."

"That reminds me," Otousama said. "Kuga, you got out of it yesterday, but this evening we'll be practising kenjutsu again."

"What? But, you know, I have to study as well…"

"I could care less about that. I've just been told to teach you kenjutsu, and I'll do that." Otousama folded his arms. "If you don't have enough time in the day to do everything, just sleep less."

"It must be great, having such a simple world-view," Natsuki muttered sourly. "You enjoy it, don't you?"

"Most people complain too much anyway. It's true they should just work harder."

"Now, now," Okasama said, raising her hands. "Let's not get too agitated over the breakfast table. It's inappropriate."

"Well, putting that aside, is that attire really okay, Kuga?" Otousama demanded. "You'll be appearing in court, you know, not at a concert or party."

"It's fine," Natsuki said dismissively. "I don't see what you guys are gaining by dressing up, anyway."

"Naïve! Appearances are still important in this day and age, and that can't just be ignored for your convenience."

"I'm less naïve than you're a stuffy dinosaur," Natsuki shot back.

"In any case," I said hastily. "I'm sure it'll be okay. We're only expected to answer a few questions, right? Do we have any guesses about that?"

"We'll talk about that later," Otousama said. "But broadly, you'll simply have to explain what you did on that day. If only for the sake of confirming the confession… though possibly more, insofar as the confession is half-useless."

I nodded. "That seems straight-forwards." And hopefully, neither of us was wrong about that.

"As I've said before, you two should be fine," Okasama said reassuringly. "We simply need to go and do it. And perhaps we can do something afterwards, too."

"Making it a full day out," Reito said, sounding vaguely amused by the notion. "I don't have any objection to that, if I'm allowed to speak."

"Oh, and one more thing." Otousama slipped his hand behind his back, pulling out a large brown envelope. "This came in the post for you, Kuga."

"Huh?" Natsuki frowned, raising a hand and catching it after it was thrown to her. "You'd better not have read it."

"We haven't read anything. But it's suspicious and came today, so we were cautious. Be careful with it."

Natsuki glanced briefly at the envelope, then shoved it aside. "Whatever. It's from my father. I doubt he knows this trial is even occurring…"

"That seems unlikely," Okasama mused. "It was more than a footnote on national news. Though I think your name was protected, if not Shizuru's."

"Either way, he hasn't sent a word," Natsuki said, folding her arms. "Frankly, I don't care. So it isn't important."

"In any case, it makes me envious," Saaya said playfully. "It's been ages and ages since anyone sent me a letter."

"Well, only idiots use them any more anyway," Natsuki said, apparently satisfied with the changes of subject.

"While I wouldn't use such strong terms, but you're not mistaken," I agreed. "Modern communications are impressive."

"Convenient, perhaps," Otousama said. "But dangerous. The genuine human emotion of communication is being butchered, to say nothing about linguistic sophistication."

"There you go again! I swear you're 150 years out of date!"

"Now, now, I don't think it's reactionary to have some reservations about this," Reito said. "One can only worry about the decrease of face to face communication."

"Hmm. Speaking personally, I'm all for the principle of technology," Okasama said, drinking her tea thoughtfully. "It does make my life functional, after all."

"That's a different matter from kids today, who make no effort and have no excuses," Otousama said.

I rubbed my forehead, smiling. I'll admit, I am a little comforted to know how ordinary this day is, in spite of everything.

And, of course, Natsuki will be with me. So I don't need to worry. Somehow, things will turn out okay.


	63. Chapter 63

**Windows of the Soul: Part Sixty-Three**

To clarify, they 'just' slept in the same room. And it's less remarkable than I would have liked, as they've done it before. Once is an honest mistake, twice looks like carelessness, but though I'm losing track myself I'm sure this is well into the world of genuine hard work...

Today we have the quiet before the storm. Though the quiet can be louder.

* * *

I leaned against the wall of the bathroom, pulling out that envelope. Hopefully, no one had seen me take it, though I'm up against some pretty formidable people. Well, Viola aside, but Saaya, the old man, Shizuru and Reito has to be some kind of record for close observation hell, conversation be damned. Newspapers be damned, come to that. They're all "rich people samurai art, see through stuff", and then you're just plain screwed.

But only Shizuru and Reito should really get it. And it's probably okay if they understand. I locked the door, then tore the envelope open and took out what was inside. First, a small letter.

"_Dear Natsuki-chan, _

_I'm continuing to prepare for your present, just as you asked me. It should be finished in a few weeks. It's been hard work, though! I hope you're very grateful. _

_I had about the trial today, though. That must be hard for you. I thought you could do with a little cheering up, so I sent you this part of the present early. You might find it informative and useful, or at least, it should be entertaining reading._

_Don't forget about my special present, either. I'm hold you to that._

_With Love,_

_Eisaku Ojisan."_

I snorted, crumpling the letter and dropping it in the toilet. That bastard isn't allowed to call me Natsuki-chan, even if it's one of his damn deceptions. He did that just to piss me off, and I know it.

It was sent first-class, though. He's professional when he's being professional, at least. I dropped the letter in the toilet, then closed the seat and sat on it. And I pulled out the main contents of the envelope, ready to flick through it. Once face leapt out at me, though.

Ikumu Jouon.

Only, curiously enough, his name was written large under the photograph as Nishiki Miyata. And Ikumu Jouon was just one of several names written in a smaller font underneath. Ikumu Jouon, corporal of SAT, the JNPA's Special Assault Team. On detached duties.

Nishiki Miyata wasn't his name either, if I was reading this right. His real name was something else. But he was called Nishiki Miyata when he was a Sergeant of First Division, First District. Their special forces.

From one shady power group, straight into the arms of one of the shadiest and most public of all. You know, this shit makes me sick. And it's at times like this that I don't envy Yamada wading through it every day.

For all that, though, I also really wish I could say that I'd truly been surprised.

I bit my lip, trying to keep myself calm while I read the rest of the report. Really, though, it was just the same old bullshit. He'd been alone since before I was born. A respectable gentleman in a suit, a rich philanthropist high up in a engineering company, visited his orphanage and offered to adopt a whole bunch of the kids for his special program, aimed at giving them a 'fresh start'. The orphanage was glad to offload after some cursory inspections of impeccable facilities. And after that, he was trained to have some special skills. The usual bullshit, some twisted mix of Stockholm syndrome and appreciation for someone, anyone paying attention, and he was eating out of their palm. He was good, though, and a dick, which meant he was promoted. Was away with a squad hunting down the remnants of the Searrs operation when Shizuru… oh, sorry, the "mysterious fire, perhaps a terrorist attack"… hit their HQ. Disappeared after that, and turned up a good member of Japan's finest. Considered a medium threat because of his position, and not much about his movements since then. SAT is too much even for Yamada, I guess. I should be impressed that he managed to pin even that much down.

This is proof the First District is gone for good. If they'd still been operational, I'd never be reading this much detail. But strangely, that's not really much of a comfort.

I put that document behind me, leaning back and resting my head. Great, the police officer with oversight of the case is a survivor. That's just wonderful. It explains the weird trial, and his weird attitude. But it raises more questions than it solves. What is he planning? He's had the chance to kill us before. So, is he less reckless than the other one? Just waiting for the moment? Or working with the government? I wouldn't put it past anyone to want our power, if only they knew. He knows, and he probably knows us. If that's the case- if it's really the government- there's not much we can do. Run to America? Yeah, right. There's nothing about that here, though. It's just speculation. Frankly, this wasn't outside my calculations before, either. Like rocks falling on you because God was bored, it's one you can't afford to plan for, or worry about. That'd be a waste of time. So I need to concentrate on the situation right now, and exactly what this means.

Oh, and that wasn't the only thing in the envelope, either. This day just gets better.

Umi Tsuda. Apparently, she hadn't changed her name after the First District died.

I didn't have any time for the story, which in any case was the same as Ikuru's. Child soldier all grown up, charming. She'd reacted differently afterwards, though. Broadly, she'd tried to scrape some money together, then spent all of it and her time searching for Shizuru. Somehow, I doubted she'd been struck with love by my girlfriend's beautiful face.

She was a subordinate of "Nishiki Miyata", too. This is just fucking perfect.

I took a deep breath. Well, let's survey this situation. The corporal and the sergeant are going to be in the same room, one as a defendant, and one as a prosecutor. Is this a twist of fate, or some messed-up plan conceived between them? More importantly, do they have a plan now? If it's luck, it's a perfect coincidence, certainly far too perfect for them to pass up. So it's best to regard this as a trap, isn't it?

Is there any way to avoid the trap? Perhaps if we become really ill, really, really fast. They wouldn't simply postpone the trial, right? But there's no way Shizuru's parents wouldn't notice, and there's no way they'd approve. They'd want an explanation I can't give. Even if I go, I need weapons, preferably my gun. This is that serious. But a courtroom is about the third most stupid place to carry a weapon in all of Japan, I'd never get away with it. They know the exact place and time, they've probably cased the courtroom, and Ikuru is allowed to carry guns, so they control this situation. We can't overturn that, we can't not go, and we can't bring weapons.

A little cheering up, my arse. We're completely cornered, and that smug bastard must have known it.

What the hell do I do now? I closed my eyes briefly, trying to stay calm. In the first place, circumstances here haven't disappeared just because I have something else to worry about. If Shinri or Saaya get hold of this file, they'll work everything out quickly enough. They're not stupid, they can read between the lines. And the missing facts they'd ignore or seek, either way's disastrous. That's one of the worst possible outcomes. I can't get rid of these files, though, not yet. If I memorise them then destroy them that's fine. But I don't have that kind of time right now.

So I did the best thing I could do in the circumstances, which was to return the files to the envelope, and slip it back under my jacket. After that, I flushed the letter down the toilet and left quickly, heading back for the lounge. I needed to talk to Shizuru, right away. The wooden floor creaked slightly under my rapid pace. Yeah, I'm pissed, and it probably shows. But more than just angry, I'm also afraid.

So of course, when I got back, Shizuru was the one who wasn't there. And all the looking around in the world didn't change that.

"Good morning," Mai said, glancing at me. "Are you okay?"

"Where's Shizuru?" I asked impatiently.

"She's talking briefly with Shinri," Viola said, glancing sidelong at me. "Is there something wrong?"

"No, nothing," I said. "Besides the obvious."

For a moment, I considered simply barging into the study and dragging Shizuru out. This was that important. No, fuck that, I could barge in and tell the old man everything, or at least enough. He'd be able to help, right? On protecting Shizuru, at least, we agree.

But that's a panic reaction. I need to be calm and think. I still have a little time.

"I can go and get you, if you like?" Reito suggested politely, glancing thoughtfully at me.

"No thanks. I shouldn't interrupt," I said, glancing at him. Hmm. Yes. He'd be possible. What choice did I have? This was too big for one person, even if it was me. "You'll do anyway. I just need a favour. Can you come a second?"

"If you say so," Reito said, standing and following me out of the room.

And I know everyone was watching, too, but screw it. I can't afford to worry about that at a time like this.

"This is rare," Reito noted. "So, how can I help you, Natsuki-san?"

"Just a second," I said warningly, walking on ahead. Once we'd got a little further away, I handed him the envelope. "Here. Though to cut a long story short, two of your special friends will be at the trial."

"Special friends?" Reito asked curiously. He pulled out the documents. "Oh. Those special friends."

"Right. And somehow the corporal is being tried, while the sergeant is overseeing the prosecution." I headed for my room. "Doesn't that sound a little dangerous to you?"

"Just a bit. At least, in theory. It's very hard to perceive their exact intention, but the danger is nonetheless real." Reito sighed. "It's very disappointing, to have to worry about these things even now. But you've been working hard, haven't you? I'm very impressed."

"This is just normal, considering I want to survive," I said. "Do you know anything?"

"Nothing you don't, and I don't know many things that you do, most likely," Reito said. "I don't have the resources to pursue this as I would like."

"Well, in any case, we need to be careful," I said.

"Of course." Reito frowned. "This was never going to be a comfortable situation for anyone, but this certainly complicates things still further, in a rather unnecessary way. Assassination in broad daylight is too casual, I think… though if someone is willing to die to kill you, speaking frankly, there's little you can do if you want to live a normal life."

"I know. Can you order them off or something? Warn them? Negotiate?"

Reito chuckled. "You know, the First District followed the orders of the Obsidian Lord. They don't owe anything to Reito Minagi. Not that they would listen to him, even now."

"Right? It's a real problem." I stopped talking abruptly as we passed a servant.

"I've been worrying whether to bring Mikoto, though," Reito said conversationally. "I'm sure this would stultify her, but if this is the situation, then it might be good for her to come after all."

"Does it ever worry you?" I asked, frowning slightly. "Using your little sister as a weapon?"

"If it does, then I push past that fear because it works," Reito clarified, shrugging. "And you?"

"It's fine as long as nobody dies," I said. "Well, it's fine as long as none of _us _die. I don't have the time to worry about our enemies."

"Hmm. A useful attitude. But not quite so useful as your darker side before." Reito gave me a thoughtful look. "Would you admit that there are some people you'd be more sorry to see die than others, even in our group?"

"I'm not going to even think about that," I said sharply, staring at him. I opened the door to my room. "It's that messed up logic that screwed us up in the Carnival."

"Whether it's taboo or not, I wonder whether that's the truth of your heart. It's very human to have priorities." Reito waved a hand dismissively. "Well, I'm just thinking aloud. I should focus more on the matter in hand."

"You do that," I suggested grumpily. "This is why people have problems with you, you know. You're always asking smart things."

"People who genuinely tell the truth aren't well-liked," Reito replied. "Though, of course, I lie a lot as well."

I rolled my eyes, heading for my wardrobe and checking through it for my special box. "Anyway. What do you suggest?"

"About this situation? We could trust court security," Reito offered.

"He is court security," I snapped. "That's the problem. And there's nothing we can do about it." I found it, sitting down and balancing it on my knees.

"Well, we shouldn't take anything too reckless," Reito said warningly. "At least, not without thought. I'm more worried about what this man might do in a more subtle sense, rather than putting a gun to Shizuru's head."

"There's no way anyone's actually going to believe them about the Hime stuff, though," I pointed out. "It sounds ridiculous. It was ridiculous."

"Of course. But everything has an explanation. That's to say, when an otherwise unremarkable facility turned into a fireball, that was just one part of the whole chaos… but people do like explanations. Terrorism makes more sense. As long as there is no evidence of Shizuru's involvement, it should be an acceptable risk. On the other hand, if a man like this, a SAT member, should "discover" things over the course of an investigation, we have a real problem." Reito flicked thoughtfully through the papers again. "The irony is that Shizuru destroyed the organisation dedicated to taking care of these things, of course."

"Hilarious," I said. I decided against opening this up for now. Shizuru's parents seem okay with me being a little dangerous, but I think a gun would be too much. Questions might be asked, to say the least.

"If that woman sticks to her confession, as well, it might gain traction in a modified form elsewhere. Disreputable circles, but that's still dangerous." Reito sighed. "More importantly, this trial is public. We can't eliminate the idea that others besides those two might be there or nearby, especially if he contacted them."

"You mean we might be walking into a room with every single survivor left," I said heavily.

"I don't know. It's a possibility."

I rubbed my forehead. "We're really in their hands, aren't we? They've totally got the initiative."

"I'm afraid so," Reito admitted.

"Pisses me off," I said curtly. "And I'm not wrong in saying it, am I? The only way we can count on anything is if we kill them all off."

"Even for us, that would be dangerous. They're very well trained, and probably armed as well, scattered though they may be… they'd fight back very effectively, and it might well be us who died by the end. To say less about the consequences-"

I glared at him. "Don't take me that seriously."

* * *

Otousama shifted through reams of paper placed on his desk, while I simply waited patiently. He spoke after a while. "Can you do it?"

"I'll be fine," I assured him, trying to sound more confident than I actually was. "It's simple, isn't it?"

"It should be simple. It might not be simple if circumstances are unusual. Remember, you should never simply count on things going according to plan." Otousama glanced at me. "Though, in a similar way, if you assume the worst automatically you can destroy your own resolve."

"Because it's impossible to plan for the true worst possible scenario," I said. I remember that lesson.

"Precisely. What is true is what you've experienced, many things more complicated than this." He leaned against his desk, folding his arms. "In any case, I'm counting on you. Kuga isn't well-suited to these matters, so please take care of her."

"Of course. Though Natsuki is also competent, but I'll do what I can." I took a breath, trying to keep myself steady. That's right. Everyone is relying on me.

"Please do." He continued to scrutinise me, though. "What are you feeling right now?"

I blinked. It's rare for Otousama to ask a direct question, after all. "I'm feeling nervous," I said, honestly enough. "While I can and have dealt with legal situations, this is different. I'm far more personally involved, which is a great strain. I don't relish facing that woman again, either, even under this situation."

"I see. That's very understandable." Otousama folded his arms. "You've been worrying me recently with your abstraction."

"Is that so? I'm sorry for troubling you."

"That's not what I mean," he said, waving a hand dismissively. "Rather, what I'm trying to say is to reassure you of what you should already know. No matter what, we are family. That's why you should come to your mother or I if you have any problem."

I giggled. "That's a little uncharacteristic, Otousama."

"It's pragmatic," Otousama replied. "In this situation, we can do little more but offer to support you."

"That's true."

"But bear those words in mind, all the same," Otousama said firmly. "And remember as well, we can do almost anything if it is a subject of our conviction. This is no different. Not much in this world is different."

I nodded and smiled slightly, feeling a little encouraged. That's right, we're not weak. We're strong, even in this situation. "You're right. Don't worry, Tou-sama. I will certainly do everything needed at the trial today."

"Well, work hard," he said, turning and facing his desk again. "Most likely, Kuga will do the same. In that, at least, she is reliable."

"She is a very strong person."

"That's so." Otousama fell silent, but didn't tell me to leave either. He was apparently thinking about something.

"What else should I do to prepare?" I prompted.

"Ah. Please look over this in the time we have left." Otousama gathered together a pile of papers, handing them to me. "They were sent by one of our lawyers, and I looked over them. Fundamentally, though we're cautious, you do have a simple role."

"Of course. My apprehension is a little disproportionate…"

"I wonder," Otousama replied ambiguously. He sat, swivelling his chair around and facing me again. "You're not wrong. I dislike this situation on principle. As ever with the law, but more than usual, too much is out of our hands, and into the hands of others. It's not a controlled circumstance."

I blinked, wondering whether he was the one who needed reassurance. Well, I'm sure he's worried for me, and pained that he can't do anything himself. "That can't be helped," I reminded gently. "All the same, we should enjoy the sympathy of the situation. They say the courts favour the prosecution, too."

"The expected outcome doesn't relate to that unease," Otousama said, waving a hand dismissively. "You don't have to remind me of it. I simply dislike it on principle, and nothing more. It isn't a significant point."

I nodded briefly, beginning to read the documents he had handed me. "What are you going to do now, Tou-sama?"

"Naturally, I'll be going," he said. "And if the procedure is in any way irregular there will be hell to pay. I'm not so out of my place at criminal law that I can't follow the direction of the matter."

I nodded, trying not to smile at his tone. "I see."

"I won't tolerate any more roughshod moves from that young brat, either. His type are far too openly flawed." Otousama leaned back slightly, glaring into an indeterminate distance. "It's a disgrace that he can have such responsibilities with such an attitude. This isn't a minor case to cut the teeth of novices."

"Perhaps they're trying to test exactly that through an exceptional case," I said lightly. "Far be it from me to understand their reasoning."

"Far be it from me, too. It's irritating in the extreme." Otousama tapped his knee irritably. "He shouldn't have much role here. I hope he has no role here. Though, at least he's a known quantity."

I love it how one of the major point here is to be without artifice, wedged between pages of such advice and likely questions. Well, testimony shouldn't be too difficult, right?

"That's true," I admitted. "It's very disconcerting."

"Just so long as the trial has proper resources. And they should take the proper attitude, as well. There's little enough we gain for going through this unnecessary farce…"

I touched my lip with a finger, checking a smile. Yes, there wasn't any doubt about it. Otousama was really worried about me. And that helped, just a little.

We went sooner than I would have liked, but at least we went together. Everyone together. Not so long ago, I would call them ambivalent, in terms of what they brought to my life. While I could certainly respect all of them, and especially Mai-chan, they were distant, uncertain, and different. They were people who kept Natsuki away from me, and they'd never transgressed with her as I had, and there was enough to suggest that she far preferred them to me. What was worse, I could not blame her for doing so. They knew my name and my nature and my crimes, but none of them were in my situation, though perhaps Reito came close. It's inevitable to resent people who do better than you in a given circumstance. So, I didn't have many reasons to relish them and their company.

That was before, though. Circumstances have changed, and I have a special tie to Natsuki. They're closer and more human now, and most importantly, they treat me normally as well. And they're trying their best to support us, as far as I can tell. Though it's strange, I haven't been disowned, I am one of them. Though notice that now, more than that, it's been this way for quite some time. It's easiest to notice on this morning, though.

There were various other matters, too.

"Ready to go?" Natsuki asked quietly, stepping close to me.

"I'm ready," I said, feeling reassured by her proximity. If she was here, things would probably turn out okay. Though she looked very worried, too, but that's only human. "And you?"

"Yeah. I'm fine," Natsuki said, a little unconvincingly.

I would have said something more, but my attention was distracted by the sight of Mikoto in a kimono three sizes too big for her. That made me blink. Though she was chatting to Shiho as if nothing as changed, the latter seemed to agree with me. "Do you know why she's dressed like that?" I asked, very quietly.

"Well, there is a specific reason," Natsuki said. "It's a little complicated, though. I'll tell you later."

I nodded slowly. "Hmm. I see…"

Actually, I had no idea what she meant, of course. But there wasn't much meaning in challenging things loudly at this point in time.

"I'm still getting used to the suit."

"Oh? This?" I touched my blouse thoughtfully. "I suppose so. I'd actually forgotten about it. It seems like there's a lot to think about today."

"Well, if that's the judge's fetish we're fine," Natsuki said flippantly. "Either way, let's not hold back in there, okay?"

I smiled, nodding. "Of course."

"No matter what," Natsuki said, more forcefully than I'd expected. Her eyes, chipped emeralds, met mine and held them. "It's a promise."

"It's a promise," I echoed, a little more seriously.

And I understood what she was saying, as well. No matter what I think of that woman or myself, I can't let that affect this. I have to go all out, without holding back. For our future.

Natsuki, far more than me, has always been able to do that. I'll seek to emulate that strength.

Everyone is supporting me. I know that. And Natsuki is next to me. Though she's caught up in her own worries, that still reassures me. But I can't simply ignore this feeling of twisting nervous uncertainty. I've felt fear in many different circumstances, of course, so much so that I think I'm better than most at dealing with it. For exams, assessments, high-profile meetings, challenges, I can be reassured by my talent, and also by my will. This isn't something to fear, but rather this is something I should enjoy. If I don't enjoy it, there's no meaning in it. So I should relish having my capability tested. And for the longest time, I was far more scared of Natsuki, and my feelings for her, and everything that entailed. Then, I simply fought to hold that fear back, but now I can say the same thing once again. Saaya said it, and in a different way Shiho implied the same thing. In any case I should know it for myself. This should also be fun, so I'll come to enjoy it. Anticipation defeats fear.

But at that time I was scared beyond rationalisation. This isn't as bad as that, but it recalls that, and it isn't a circumstance I can ever bring myself to enjoy. So it's far harder to banish this lingering fear.

When this occurred before I allowed myself to slide steadily towards oblivion, day by day. But I'm not alone any more, and I can't simply forget others while concentrating on myself. They're also concerned, and Natsuki is also scared. I need to remember that. That resolve, though, can't simply banish this person fear of mine. This personal guilt I can't speak of aloud.

So I'll speak of other things.

"Shall I tell you something, Natsuki?" I asked quietly. "It's a little ironic. But it feels appropriate to say it now."

"What is it?" Natsuki asked, sounding a little distracted.

I leaned sideways, whispering into his ear. "You knew where their HQ was, didn't you?"

Natsuki blinked, glancing at me. Then she nodded cautiously.

"I didn't know whether you did," I explained, keeping my tone low. "So, when I did some independent research based on what you were interested in, and found it, I didn't tell you. Do you know why?"

"You were afraid I'd do something reckless?" Natsuki asked.

I nodded. "In part, yes. But I was also afraid for them, rather than you. Though I understood your strong feelings, I didn't you to become a murderer. And I didn't want to become an accessory to murder…"

Natsuki blinked, staring at me for a moment. "I see," she said eventually, and nothing more.

I turned my head away, smiling slightly. "People can change their minds quite quickly, when they have nothing left but convictions. It's a little depressing. That's why we're in this situation, in more ways than one."

"Because it's better than having nothing, right?" Natsuki asked seriously. Because I suppose she also understands.

Should I have told her? I don't know. My actions at that time are now indelibly refracted by the hindsight of my eventual sins, so I can't assess anything any more. Not about this.

Saaya looked at me curiously. No doubt she was thinking we'd been talking about that, perhaps. I hadn't let her hear the really important things, and that's one truth I will always and forever keep to myself. For both of us.

And this is a timely reminder, in a strange way. I still remember everything, and so does Natsuki. We're still both marked and influenced by our pasts, the Carnival, my mistakes. No matter what else has changed, no matter if I'm happier now, no matter if we are in love, that won't disappear. I'm still going spend the rest of my life remembering that day, and bearing that day in mind, and the world around me and everyone in it won't ever allow me to forget. We can't simply deny what we once were, what we once did, the people we hurt and killed, the strange and hellish world we had to enter at that time and the ways it has changed us. We've seen the worst of man, I have embodied the worst of man, and we've fought each other with the intent to kill. Undoubtedly that time has many victims and many sorrows.

But that doesn't mean I have to apologise for living. I'm through with that by now, and from now on, we're both continuing in our own ways, together as well. What we did then remains part of us, but it doesn't define us. How much I hurt Natsuki then doesn't mean I can't make her happy now. Even if it's a little complacent for me to believe firmly in that, I know she doesn't want me to hate myself. And even if I killed so many people, dying won't make a difference. I believed that even in my darkest days, and more so now. So, I really don't have to apologise. There was no nobility or justice or meaning in that attack on my life. It would only leave yet more loss and sadness. In other words, no matter what, I shouldn't hold back. My intention to live on in spite of that past which won't leave me isn't so weak that I'll try and spare that woman's feelings.

And when all this is over, we'll return to happier things, Natsuki and I.

Natsuki was tapping her knee, fingers moving in agitation. I briefly brushed my fingers over her knuckles, still their movement. "Don't worry. If it is you and I, there won't be a problem."

"I know," Natsuki said, pouting at me. "I'm not worried, you know. Well, not that much, anyway…"

I smiled, remembering Otousama's words. "Let's work hard."

That's right. Even if I don't enjoy this, I should still be glad. I have a chance to further break the binding of my past, if only I can look her in the eyes.


	64. Chapter 64

**Windows of the Soul: Part Sixty-Four**

Once again, uncomfortable genre shifts. But it's all a chance to learn, after all.

* * *

I hate courtrooms. They're surrounded by and associated with police, and my relationship with the police has always been less than perfect. They object to gun possession, hacking and the occasional bar fight. I object to the fact that for my purposes, they're worse than useless. Its not like I choose to be outside the law so much as the law chose to step away from me. Either way, they don't protect my life, and they prevent me from being able to do that myself. So what am I supposed to think? I certainly don't like this, either. What we 'must' do, as ever, is getting in the way of what we must do, which is not to walk into an obvious trap and die.

I checked Mikoto when she stepped out, but she looked okay. Reito caught my eye and nodded slightly, so I turned away. Honestly, I don't feel very good, relying on her. But she's serious right now. I'm not particularly fond of that side of her. It's reliable, all the same, so I can't complain.

Shizuru stopped for a moment, staring dubiously up at the building, before she snapped her gaze away and regarded me. "We're on time, aren't we?"

I checked my watch. "We have time to spare." Just saying things without meaning, so we can hear each other speak. "Honestly, it's too early in the morning for stuff like this…"

"I know. It's a little disconcerting." Shizuru set off towards the door.

I followed her, turning my head to regard the area. And that's when I saw him, and almost stopped in my tracks. What the hell was he doing here? No, I shouldn't acknowledge him, but-

He tipped his hat up to expose his eyes, regarding me casually, then pushed off the wall and began to walk towards. Albeit halfway there his expression changed from measured disdain to something approaching warmth, and he raised his hand in greeting. "Over here, Natsuki-chan! How are you?"

I gritted my teeth, giving him my best death glare. His acting still's decent. Yamada, that bastard.

But I waved back cautiously, forcing a smile. "Ojisan!" I kept a shark-like expression, eyes narrowing slightly. "This is a pleasant surprise… not really your style, is it?"

"You're in trouble, so what can I do?" Yamada asked, sticking his hands in his pockets. "I had this and that to take care of, though, or I would have been here sooner."

Shinri stepped forwards, frowning slightly as he took in Yamada's clothes. "Shinri Fujino. And you are?"

"Shinri-san! It's a pleasure. I've heard a little about you from Natsuki-chan, and a lot more from watching the news." Yamada offered his hand. "Eisaku Kanda. Oh, that's her father's side… Kuga would be her mother's maiden name, you see."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Shinri said, sounding dubious. He shook formally. "You should have contacted us sooner. We could have arranged something."

"Sorry," Yamada said, rubbing the back of his neck innocently. "Natsuki-chan wouldn't tell me how to get in touch. I think she thought I'd be an embarrassment…"

"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Kanda-san," Viola said politely. "Any member of Natsuki-chan's family is a member of ours. Thank you for coming to support her."

"Not at all," Yamada replied, bowing his head. "Thank you for taking care of her."

In the meantime, the others gave me some very strange looks. I waved a hand hurriedly, before turning away. "Excuse me? Would it be okay if I had a few words with… Ojisan? Just between us?" I asked, forcing another smile.

"Of course," Viola said, smiling. "Please don't mind us."

"Just bear the situation in mind," Shinri said in a clipped voice, turning his head away.

"I will," I said in a strained voice, walking forwards and grabbing Yamada by the arm. I dragged him bodily away from the others.

"It seems like Shinri-san hasn't taken to me," Yamada said light-heartedly. "Did I do something wrong?"

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I demanded quietly, without looking at him. "Seriously? The letter wasn't enough?"

"Aren't you glad?" Yamada asked, reverting to his normal, cynical voice. "I'm the only person who'd actually come to such a thing for you, after all."

"Somehow I doubt you've come here out of the kindness of your bleeding human heart," I snapped, stopping when we were far enough away. "You're here for money. But I'm not paying you. I didn't ask for this."

"Don't worry," Yamada replied. "Someone else is."

"Who?" I demanded, my eyes narrowing. "_Them?_"

Yamada smirked. "No. Not them. It's probably best if you think I'm still on your side. That's as near to the truth as I can get."

"Best for who, I wonder?" I folded my arms. "Well, forget that. Don't interrupt or do anything stupid, that's all I ask."

"I am a professional, you know."

"Whatever. Besides that, did you have to go with the Ojisan thing?" I demanded. "It makes me life really difficult, you know. A concerned member of the public or a journalist would also have worked, and then I wouldn't have to talk to you!"

"In that case, you wouldn't be able to talk to me," Yamada pointed out. "I knew you'd want an explanation like this."

I frowned, forced to admit that, at least. "Okay. But be careful, for God's sake. The last thing I need is for them to think I'm associated with a criminal like you."

"Don't worry. I'm sure you can be associated with criminality on your own grounds."

I snorted, turning away. "Just don't fuck up."

"Besides, it could be a little useful," Yamada said, sounding pleased with himself. "Making the acquaintance of Shinri Fujino-san and family."

"I'll warn you here and now. He's a cheapskate bastard who's not going to treat you to any free meals," I said ironically, walking back. "Oh, and if you mention anything that compromises me, I will actually kill you."

"You're concerned for their regard. That's cute and hypocritical." Yamada adjusted his posture slightly, slumping forwards a little. "But, I was really worried, Natsuki-chan. Your father was the same, you know."

I gave him a very dirty look. "Just be careful," I hissed. "They're not stupid. They see through things."

Yamada gave me another smug look, before returning to his act.

Honestly, this day isn't getting any better as it progresses. What's next? Midori returns chased by a mummy?

"Good morning. I'm glad the two of you could make it."

I looked up at Ikuru- or should that be Nishiki- and scowled. Yeah. That would do.

"They weren't exactly given a choice, thanks to you," Shinri said bluntly. "Enough nonsense, let's just get this over with."

Ikuru nodded his head. "I take it the rest of you will be watching from the public stands? Someone will show you the way. Please refrain from doing anything to disrupt the proceedings, though if you're under Fujino-san's care, I have no fear of that. Hopefully, we should be able to resolve this case today." He glanced at us. "I will take these two."

I frowned, trying to pluck meaning from his empty eyes. Was that a trap itself? The trap? Or was there something else? In any case, I needed a pretext…

"Could I go with them?" Reito asked brightly. "I've always wanted to see how a court actually _works_."

Ikuru gave him a long look, then shrugged. "Very well. But you'll have to go back presently without disturbing anything."

Reito nodded. "Of course. I know that."

"I'm afraid you probably shouldn't expect very much," Shizuru said. She turned to the others. "This is where we part. Can I just thank everyone for coming?"

"It's no problem," Mai said brightly. "We're right behind both of you! That's what friends are for, right?"

"There she goes again with the sentimental nonsense," Tate said, shaking his head. "It's so uncool."

"That's really rude! Show some appreciation for the circumstances, damnit!"

"Well, it's Kaichou-san, isn't it?" Tate asked, glaring back at her. "Shizuru Fujino? It's not like this is a big deal for her. She does this stuff for fun."

"Well, I'm also supporting you, anyway," Shiho sniffed, stepping pointedly away from her brother. "Love always wins. Right, Mikoto?"

"Hmm?" Mikoto snapped her gaze back to us. "It will be fine. We're all here."

I'm not sure of her meaning there, but it sounded right to Shizuru, at least. "Everyone, thank you. It means a lot to me."

"We'll also be watching, both of you," Viola pointed out. She smiled slightly. "Well, watching somewhat less in my case. I won't provide any bad advice, just bear that in mind. You too, Natsuki-chan."

"Me as well," Yamada said with false brightness. "When you're up there, look for me. I'll wave at you, okay?"

"Don't be stupid," I said sharply.

"I think that's very sweet," Shizuru said, folding her arms. "But never mind."

Shinri glanced at us both. "Give them hell. From me, too." After that he turned and started to lead the others away, and it was the four of us left behind.

"Well, if you could come this way," Ikuru said, leading us up the stairs and towards another corridor. His gaze flashed briefly over Reito again.

This is a very strange situation. In the first place, he almost certainly knows who we all are. But we also know who he is, and he doesn't know that we know, probably. Except that I didn't tell Shizuru until now, which is too late. In fact, the only advantage we have in this whole messy situation is that he doesn't know we suspect anything. Probably. Which is Reito's initiative might not have been so great after all, when I actually think about it. It's an indication that we know what is going on, and are taking precautions. I'm hoping he won't read so much into that. If he does, we have problems.

Shizuru touched my gently on the elbow, cocking her head slightly. A silent question hung upon her lips.

Hell, even she suspects something now, doesn't she? So that can't be a good sign. I can't tell her, either. So I just shook my head by the smallest fraction, before returning my gaze to straight ahead again. Hopefully, he wasn't looking at us during that time.

"As to procedure, you'll be searched briefly, then taken to a separate area," Ikuru said. "And you'll be called in when you're needed. The prosecutor will take everything from there. It's possible you may not be called at all, but it's best to be sure."

"And what happens when we do our bit?" I asked. "Can we join the stands, or do we have to sit out again?"

"You'll have to sit out again," Ikuru said calmly. "It's possible you might be called upon again."

"You know, this is all very exciting," Reito said, looking around. "It really is the first time for me to see the inside…"

I gave him a warning look. He's not going to be fooled by that, okay?

"I'm glad you're enjoying yourself," Shizuru said quietly. "How long do you expect this to last, Jouon-san?"

"Barring something completely unanticipated, it should be over by the end of the afternoon," Ikuru said. "That's my expectation."

Something unanticipated, my ass. "And when we're waiting, do we wait in the same room? Or apart?" I asked cautiously.

If we were separated right now, that would be a major problem. No, more than that, it'd probably best if I knocked him out here and now, if that's the case.

"You'll be kept together," Ikuru said, looking at me thoughtfully. "Is there a problem?"

"No. I just don't like being lonely," I said, glaring back at him. Keep calm. It's just a bluff. There's no way he could ever learn anything from that.

"Well, here you are," Ikuru said, stepping aside. "Your belongings and clothes will be searched. I suggest you go back and undergo the same thing on the public side, Kanzaki. Otherwise it will happen twice."

"Minagi. Reito Minagi," Reito corrected evenly.

"I see. That name doesn't suit you," Ikuru remarked, stepping aside. "Don't you think?"

"I'm sure I wouldn't know," Reito said, waving briefly at us and walking back.

* * *

When I stepped into the courtroom, the first thing I did was check the public gallery for Yamada. He caught my eye across that distance, waving briefly, then raised his hand and opened it, palm facing towards him and fingers splayed. I blinked, and then he nodded just to my right- to Ikuru- and raised a finger on his other hand. A nod towards where the defendant was standing, and another finger.

Seven.

Shit.

"Is there anything, Kuga-san?" Ikuru asked, glancing at me.

"No," I said coldly, turning my head to sweep down the line. They were all watching me. More to the point, they might all be in danger. There should be some way to warn them, right? No, I shouldn't have let them come at all. What was I thinking? I was afraid it would come to this.

"Witness for the prosecution, Natsuki Kuga," someone announced.

I stood where I was supposed to stand, trying to focus. Whatever else, I can't lose sight of what's right in front of me, either. So I glanced briefly at the three judges, before turning my attention to the man who was nominally on my side.

Reito, Mikoto, Yamada. They're all good at what they do. They'll have to do.

Ikuru turned and left, and my eyes snapped open with a sudden realisation. Shit. I'd left her completely unguarded. I hadn't even told her, so even now, he could go going to kill her without a word-

"You are Natsuki Kuga, correct?"

"Yes," I said heavily. Think, damnit. There has to be a solution. No, screw this, running out and back to her is fine, isn't it?

Reito stood, catching my eye briefly, and started to work his way through the public gallery again. I decided to trust to that.

Even so, the questions continued to come at me, and they were mind numbing. I just replied by rote, without thinking too much or needing to think. Where was I at that time? When did I first notice I was being followed? What did you do about it? How far did she follow you? When did you split up? Why did you split up? Why did you come back? What did you see, what did she do to you? Have you ever seen her before? Have you ever received threats before? Has she or anyone else ever stalked you before? Have you ever heard anything about this story, the First District she's said to be part of her? And all sorts of things, I didn't really get it at all. I wasn't sure who was on trial, either. Frankly, I don't give a damn. This was a farce anyway; she was guilty as hell. Just get it over with. Just get it over with, quickly and cleanly. Then, perhaps, we could get out of here alive.

And whenever I could spare the time or thought, I was searching the crowd, looking, looking. They'd done nothing so convenient as to wear suits or a uniform, so I was lost in trying to find them amidst what was a relatively big audience. I suppose they considered it interesting. That kinda pisses me off in itself, but I can't afford to dwell on it. And I couldn't find them. No matter what, there was no sign to tell them apart from any of the other adults in the crowd.

Except for that woman. Umi Tsuda. She wasn't asked to say anything, and she didn't, but her stony silence was more intimidating than words. Honestly, that steady gaze makes me furious. How does she dare pretend that she's the victim here, the wronged one?

No matter what, I have to hold onto that anger.

Because this is my contradiction, and I know this isn't logical. I understand her, far more than I would like. Shizuru wronged her and that was a sincere crime, not like the half-crime that struck down my mother. If I was her… if my old self was her… I would do the same thing. At the very least, even now, I understand. No, I more than understand. I know what it feels like to fight against what feels like an invincible enemy, her organisation, or the consensus of the world that denies you fair hearing, especially when that enemy stands in the way of what you see as justice. What is necessary for your suffering to be understood. There's nothing more evil than that, having your voice stolen. If that's the case, you have to scream loudly, and with violence. I understand.

I narrowed my eyes and turned away, trying not to glare at her. Because the sight of her still makes me sick, all the same.

Just because I understand, that doesn't mean I have to sympathise! Just because I understand, that doesn't mean I have to agree! That would be beyond ridiculous. At the end of the day, this isn't a matter of lofty principles and ideology, something for Shizuru to think about in a dark way and in dark places. For me, and for this woman, it's far simpler. I stand here and you stand there. You've lost your precious things, so in order to satisfy your desire for justice you seek to take mine. And I won't let you, because Shizuru is my precious thing. If we were standing on even ground, we'd fight. As it is, we look across at each other with absolute hostility, without faltering or hesitating or asking whether or not we're much the same after all. Neither of us are interested in that. I'm not interested in that. She hurt Shizuru, and she plans to take Shizuru's life. And I'm no saint. Though I wouldn't relish the decision, I'd take her life to protect Shizuru's life. That's the natural exchange.

They'd understand as well. Shinri, Saaya and Viola on principle, they would agree. But the others, our friends, they understand. We all know that inviolate drive to protect the one we love.

That's why you won't win, Umi Tsuda. No matter what it takes, no matter what it costs, I will protect everyone. I will protect Shizuru.

* * *

Now I'm alone. She's fighting, and I am quite exquisitely alone.

I put my hands on my knees, trying to breathe. In this small chair in this small room, it is truly very hard to do so. Or perhaps that's the power of this tension racing through me. This is like a bad dream, and I wish I'd wake up. I don't want to be pulled so taut and thin by the bad memories I'd tried to forget, and the necessity of lying in the most low and unpleasant way simply to save my own skin. To sacrifice another's freedom to do so. To destroy their life to do so, even when I had already taken so much from their life. Even though there's a part of me that yearns to take responsibility for what I have done, I have not choice. I have to live. I've promised to live. So I can't hesitate. And yet. And yet.

Ikuru opened the door, stepping in. "Kuga-san is hard at work. And you? Are you prepared?"

"I'm fine," I replied, wincing slightly at the strain in my voice. "How was she doing?"

"Well enough. But she seemed distracted." Something clicked, and then Ikuru stepped away from the closed door, looking down at me. "Do you think there could be something wrong, Fujino-san?"

"I wouldn't know," I replied weakly. "I haven't heard anything about that, aside from the obvious strain."

"I see." He pulled up a chair and sat opposite me, giving me an analytical look. "Frankly, she'll back soon enough. There isn't really that much work to be done."

"Is that so?"

"Unfortunately, the defendant hasn't changed her story at all," Ikuru observed. "It's strange, isn't it? That very fantastic story about monsters and the girls who controlled them, weapons and a God."

"She had a very vivid imagination," I said weakly. I really, really didn't need this right now, but I wasn't even together enough to think of an excuse.

"And your Child was Kiyohime. A curious point, for a strange association." Ikuru leaned forwards, glancing at me. "It was certainly a strange link to make. And if you are connected to Kiyohime, does that make you Shizuru-Hime?"

"What do you want?" I demanded, feeling a rampant suspicion. There was no way that could just be a coincidence, but he maintained a carefully stoic fate.

"I'm simply curious about that story," Ikuru explained. He narrowed his eyes at me. "And what you make of your role in it? The defendant casts you in a bizarre and unflattering light, after all, so it makes me very curious about your real self."

"I don't have anything more to say on that," I said briefly. "Just leave me be."

Someone knocked on the door, and Ikuru frowned. "If you say so. But, that story fascinates me, in a morbid way. It's utter madness, but it reflects reality in unpleasant ways."

The knocking continued. "Aren't you going to get it?" I asked, feeling cornered.

"We're having a conversation," Ikuru said.

I considered going myself, but I decided I couldn't trust my legs. A very bad feeling filled me.

"You see, as far as I'm concerned, that story embodies the nature of humanity," Ikuru said. He brought his hands together, looking steadily at me. "Sheer instinct and emotion would dictate that the Hime should fight, firmly and selfishly, in order to protect themselves and their loved ones. Instinct is said to be the will to survive and reproduce, and in this instance both interests were served by fighting. But." He flipped his hands over. "Pure pragmatism, pure rationality, utilitarianism, that was also served by the Carnival. To protect the world from ending and to gain and use the greatest power responsibly, it would be necessary to fight and win." This time he shifted his hands upwards, as if in prayer, suspended between the two previous states. "So, cold pragmatism and violent emotion come to the same end by different means. Is human nature, then, not a spectrum, but a circle? The thought fascinates me. Is the perfectly rational man nothing more than a beast?"

Now someone was violently shaking the door, but I did my best to ignore that. This, at least, I could understand. "That's fine, but you can't determine human nature from one hypothetical situation," I said pointedly. "In so many other instances, pragmatism and instinct would be very far removed."

"That's true. Often, for example, it is pragmatism rather than instinct that represents the true path of survival." Ikuru shrugged. "But that story also best showed the shadowy place where most humans live. Caught between those two extremes is a hazy, ambiguous world, full of uncertainty, optimism, morality, hopeless fear, misguided nobility, the best and worst of man. The will not to fight is there. Mankind and civilisation are in that grey world."

The door clicked before I could reply, and slid open. Reito glanced in. "You make me work very hard, Jouon-san."

"You work very hard, and in unnecessary ways," Ikuru said. "I can assure you that I can take care of Fujino-san without you butting in."

"That's rather my concern." Reito turned his head, smiling at me. "How are you, Shizuru? Natsuki is doing well, and cheering for you too."

"I'm fine," I lied. "I'm ready for this challenge at any time."

"Then I'll conclude briefly to you both," Ikuru said, standing and stepping aside. "If true survival is only found in pragmatism, then which is better? To live in an inhuman way, or to die for nothing more than the impulse of emotions and thoughts? I often wonder about that."

"No matter how we reply, by that phrasing life is futile and pointless," Reito noted steadily. "I'll leave it to you." He turned to me, offering his hand. "Shall we wait outside, Shizuru?"

I nodded, standing and coming to his side. "That isn't a bad idea," I said, though I nonetheless kept my hands to myself.

"And your thoughts, Fujino-san? Or will you also escape with an equivocation?" Ikuru asked, giving me a cold look. Just for a moment, that regard was like Otousama's. But it was loaded with so much more genuine contempt that it blazed with cold fire, just for a moment. A second later, he was merely ambiguous, and asking such a question.

"Dying by impulse is better," I said briefly. "It means at one point, you were alive."

"I will endeavour to live by that sentiment, perhaps briefly," Ikuru said dryly.

We didn't hesitate to put some distance between us and him, walking quickly. Half-formed suspicions and my ever-vivid memories pursued me.

"Natsuki was very worried. I came on her behalf," Reito explained briefly. "I've done everything."

I nodded vaguely. "That man. He's one of them, isn't he?"

Reito hesitated for a moment, then nodded. "Yes."

"Is he going to kill me?" I mused, almost philosophically. "If so, he has surely been taking his time."

And what I learned at that time didn't surprise me, because a part of me already knew. It was implicit in Natsuki's clipped words, sharp glances, her tension and her silences as she regarded everything around her. And so I understood without any need for this explanation. If it's weighing on Natsuki's mind, then I'll surely know what it is. And if it makes her saddened or afraid, it will certainly dwell in mine.

But I can't overturn the order of the world with those things alone. I can tell that Reito and Natsuki both feel the same way. Can we really do nothing; save to walk forwards with optimism and foolish hope? Nothing does spring to mind, but that alone. It will turn out okay… this is that same very human ambivalence he was talking about, and understands. Perhaps that's why we all feel so trapped. It's our own thoughts, which can't so easily be overthrown.

When Reito opened the door and lead me inside, Natsuki was still speaking. Her voice was strong and calm, belying the tension thick in her shoulders and arms. I could see it. But I couldn't say a word.

In that way too I'm trapped, especially when everyone is watching.

That woman looked up, and then looked past Natsuki, her eyes meeting mine. And thought the courtroom was crowded and a vast distance separated us, I could feel only her, who seemed overwhelming. All of my resolve crumbled in front of that fire in her eyes, the sheer, monumental intensity of her hatred for me. And if somehow I'd managed to think at that time that we'd all be able to do okay, that dispelled it. She could not live while I was alive. I could see that in her eyes.

And then Umi Tsuda stood. "That's enough," she said. "Everything's in place now."

"Speak in your turn, and not before," one of the judges said impatiently, "Sit down."

Umi's hand shot up, pointing into the gallery. "That girl is Mai Tokiha, Hime! Mikoto Minagi, Hime! Shiho Munakata, Hime! Here as my enemies."

"Silence!"

"That is Natsuki Kuga, Hime!" she shouted over the noise of the court shouting her down. "A girl who despised my organisation and wanted to kill us all!"

Security guards started to move towards her, looking grim. And I thought I should leave, but I could not move. I could barely think, as this was too surreal for words.

"Reito Minagi, the Obsidian Lord, who used us for his own purposes then abandoned us!" And then she turned to me. "And Shizuru Fujino, Hime, the genocidal princess who killed everyone I held dear! Those are the people you are defending!"

A gunshot echoed. And there was silence. Instantly.

"It can't be helped," a man said, ruffling tangled blonde hair with his free hand. With his other hand, he lowered a pistol.

What happened next was a chaos of shots and screams and movement. I didn't know anything, but my body reacted by itself, and I charged straight down the middle of the room. My gaze darted from place to place, picking out the people with guns. Unfortunately, more than one of them were pointed straight at me.

Natsuki landed next to me, her leg spinning out and kicking me behind the knee. I fell bodily, and before I could move or stay a word she was standing in front of me, arms raised.

I pushed myself up, breathing heavily, and tried to stand. "Natsuki…"

"Don't move." She didn't even turn around.

"Huh," the blonde remarked, voice raised to carry over the distance. "You know, that's a little-"

"Stop it!"

A woman with black hair grimaced, blood dripping from her hand. Mikoto, dressed in a thin shirt and nothing else, was wrapped around her, holding a tanto at her throat.

Reito clapped his hands together, stepping forwards. "We also have a hostage! We should talk civilly about this."

"That's a good idea." Ikuru pushed his pistol against the back of Reito's head. "We'll do that."

To his credit, Reito didn't even flinch. "That sentiment is appreciated."

"Silence! Or someone dies!" Ikuru shouted forcefully. "The Hime, Kanzaki, Tate, the Fujino family all stay. Everyone else, go freely. We have interest in them alone."

Natsuki offered me her hand, looking around hurriedly. "Shit. I'm sorry, Shizuru. I fucked up."

"Not at all…" I murmured, overwhelmed. I took her hand, standing on weak legs.

I know. I know it.

"And a special welcome to you, Shizuru Fujino-Hime," Ikuru said. He paused for a moment, and I imagine he was smiling. "Everything has been arranged in your honour, after all."

This is all my fault.


	65. Chapter 65

**Windows of the Soul: Part Sixty-Five**

As ever, thanks to everyone for your support. I'm getting a little more into this, as well, though I'll try to temper the continual misfortune of our poor girls.

* * *

She spoke when everyone who didn't need to be here had been thrown out. "Everyone, thank you."

Umi Tsuda, huh? The demonic woman who is the same as me. She shouldn't sound so grateful, though. No matter how things turned out, but I always took responsibility for my own dreams.

"Save that for when you've pried this demonic cat off my neck!" the dark haired woman shouted.

"That's quite correct," Ikuru said. "This is the beginning of an operation, Widow. Please operate in accordance with procedure."

"I'm sorry… Sergeant."

"Ah."

"Who the hell are you people?" Shinri demanded brashly. "If you intend to take hostages, I will be more than sufficient. Let the others go. I'll assure you, if you let my wife contact the outsiders, she'll comply to any demand."

"You aren't the one dictating terms here, Shinri Fujino-san," Ikuru said idly.

"As I said before, I'm in a position to talk," Reito said, twisting his neck slightly to regard the older man. One of the others had moved to relieve Ikuru of his job, allowing him to move freely. "If you simply shoot me, Mikoto will kill two of your men."

"She only has Crow at knife-point," the blonde man said. "Is it okay, Sergeant? Can't we make that trade?"

"Two," Reito repeated, smiling heavily. "The second would be you for that."

"Leave everything to me," Ikuru said, giving the blonde a dangerous look. "It's meaningless to think in those terms this early." He stepped in front of Reito. "In any case, have you forgotten who is man is? He's worth our time, don't you think?"

"He's just a boy," Shinri said. "I am the one you should be dealing with."

"Excuse me, Shinri-san," Reito said, smiling slightly. "But please leave everything to me. I understand this situation."

I wasn't interested in the detail of that stuff, at least right now. But when I looked around, there weren't any angles I could take. If three were talking, and one neutralised, that still left three ready to shoot. If they have guns, that's too great a difference to overcome. This scenario isn't going to get any better, though. No, it'll get worse. So, perhaps we have to try and make a move. If Mikoto understands, and Reito says, she can kill two of them. I can fight, or at least, I can buy time with my body. Reito would die instantly. Shizuru should be able to fight. Shinri, perhaps, could fight. The others won't be able to do anything. But if we can buy the time and cause the confusion… they already have someone covering Mikoto and another close by. Can she use a gun? If we could buy enough time, she might be able to completely overturn this situation. I understand. Mikoto is a demon. So, if it's her, it might just be possible. But so many of us would die. If we hadn't given her that tanto, this would already be over.

But just by sacrificing us on a chance, I can't protect Shizuru's life like that. And if that's the case, it's meaningless.

"So, what do you want?" Ikuru asked. "I'll hear you out. Everyone, tie up the others. Fox, please give Widow a gun."

"What is your objective here?" Reito asked. "To gain a profit, or to pass judgement?"

"I'm not going to explain myself to you."

Looking between the others, I can see things more clearly. Mikoto's still completely tense and ready, yellow eyes alive. Her kimono's abandoned next to Mai, along with the fan that had concealed the blade. Mai is looking shocked and afraid. Shiho's clinging to Tate, as well, and for now, none of them are saying anything. Is that shock or understanding? Viola and Saaya are tense, quiet, unmoving. But their hands are close enough to touch; though I shouldn't focus on that. I know what they're doing. Shinri is still standing, watching the situation unfold with a frustrated anger. Reito is still standing, as calm as any day I've ever known him. As if this is normal. And Shizuru is standing behind me, looking the other way. I can't see her eyes.

"A trade, then," Reito said. "Send out the innocent ones. Shiho, Mai, Tate, Viola-san, Saaya-san, Shinri-san. We're the ones you want, no?"

"An interesting proposal," Ikuru said. "If naïve. Rather, perhaps the cat should put my subordinate down, or we'll kill you all now and not bother with the nonsense of a hostage situation?"

Yamada isn't here. I don't know exactly when he got out, but he did. That represents a fragment of hope.

"If you'd merely intended to kill us, that would have been facilitated cleanly and privately, at your convenience," Reito said. "I'm not convinced by a bluff. Just the elder Fujino, then. They truly are not involved."

"They were involved the moment they pointed guns at everyone," Shinri said irritably. "I won't simply accept this."

"Obviously, they're involved. Even with this small advantage, you should understand clearly the odds are overwhelmingly in our favour." Ikuru folded his arms. "You have no Childs. We have guns."

I touched the back of Shizuru's hand. "Are you okay?"

Shizuru nodded slightly.

"I'm sorry for kicking you. I hope it didn't cause permanent damage."

"It's fine," Shizuru whispered. "Natsuki. I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for!"

"Not so loud. It's tedious," Ikuru said, glaring at us. "Someone please take care of Natsuki-Hime."

"Don't touch Natsuki!" Shizuru said, glaring at him. "No matter what!"

"You can't do anything," Ikuru said briefly, before turning back to Reito. "I don't intend to make this unpleasant. If you give up now, I will show you all consideration."

"You're deliberately misunderstanding this situation," Reito said. "We're not things you can just kill off. This is a hostage situation, so if we die you fail. And we can take two of you men with us, leaving you with less to pick up what's left. Simply put, forcing this exchange will be the worse for you."

I looked hurriedly around, following the people involved. Two were still being held up by Mikoto, a dark-haired woman and a bald man. Umi and the grey-haired man were walking towards me, her with a gun, him with handcuffs. Ikuru was still talking, while the blonde was now standing off, watching the entire room. Six. The last one was watching Reito. As far as I can tell, they all had pistols but nothing more. That was something.

"Frankly, we need a few of you. No more. You're unnecessary. So are everyone here, except for the Hime." Ikuru shrugged. "I'll negotiate, all the same. I'll let you send one person out of here. Not Shizuru-Hime, though."

"That is acceptable," Reito said after a moment. "Please give me a moment to consider it."

Umi Tsuda pointed her gun at me, frowning. Just like before, she stance was professional enough. "I don't understand. You should also point your gun at her, shouldn't you? At Shizuru-Hime."

"Sorry to disappoint your expectations," I said ironically, while the other man grabbed my hands. I considered making a move then. I could duck and kick, taking out his legs. If I managed to take Umi's arm before she moved, I should be able to protect myself and take her out. But it wasn't guaranteed. She was strong. And then I'd die.

He cuffed my hands together behind my back, leaving me with little enough choice.

"Oh, you won't decide," Ikuru said dismissively. "This isn't your Festival any more, Kanzaki." He glanced across at us. "What do you think, Shizuru-Hime?"

"What are you talking about?" Shizuru demanded coldly.

"We've agreed to let one person go, in return for Mikoto-Hime standing down," Ikuru said in a clipped voice. "Please choose that one person."

"Natsuki."

"Shizuru!" I shouted. "Be responsible! You can't just decide that when the others-"

"Natsuki," Shizuru repeated implacably.

I was gagged before I could argue any further, but my blood boiled. Shizuru! Doesn't she have any sense of the big picture? I'm one of the very few people here who can do anything in this situation! I'm the last person you should save like this! Shiho, your parents, that's the meaning of this. So, why? Why do you persist like this?

I know why, though. I don't know whether I could bring myself to react any differently in reverse, but, really. Stop. Think about it. What is that certainty that requires no thought? You said you loved your parents too. Even now, Shizuru, it worries me.

"I should have anticipated that," Ikuru said, sighing slightly. "Well, I applaud your barefaced consistency. Even so, no. I want you to understand clearly that she's in jeopardy because of you, so it can't be her."

"That wasn't the agreement," Shizuru noted coldly.

"I've no interest in the detail. Choose another person."

And this time, she didn't say anything for a while. "Otousama. Shinri Fujino."

I blinked, trying to find the meaning of that. Shinri's witheringly hostile glare suggested he was in the same position.

"Hmm." Ikuru considered for a moment. "Very well. As you wish." He clicked his fingers, and the pair responsible for securing us went towards him again.

"You will let him go completely," Reito said. "Once that is done, Mikoto will stand down. But not before he is outside gunshot range, and has reached the police line."

"She'll let go once he's left this room. We're the ones who need a guarantee here. That isn't negotiable." Ikuru shrugged. "Take it or leave it."

"Then I'll accept."

"This is ridiculous!" Shinri spat, the moment the gag was taken off him. "Don't patronise me, Shizuru! Viola, one of your friends, I don't care, but-"

"Otousama." Shizuru spoke clearly and coldly. "I'm leaving everything to you."

He stopped abruptly, then frowned and nodded. "I understand. If that's the position, then I will do so."

"Touching," Ikuru said dryly. "Please take care of it, Widow, Fox. Honour our commitments."

Those two started to escort the old man out. I watched him go, trying to follow everything. So the one with the most money, connections and power in the outside world is sent, because he's the one who can use all those things best to help. And it also eliminates one of the three people here who don't already know everything. Not a bad decision. No, a perfectly well calculated one. So why couldn't she do that before?

I know the answer to that as well.

"But that voice is good, Shizuru-Hime," Ikuru said briefly. "I'm not normally prone to playing around, but you're a special case. How you react to these things is interesting, and we owe you so much. For the purposes of this occasion, then, you're not bound. You stand by our side."

"Do as you please," Shizuru said coldly.

"Now, have Mikoto-Hime stand down and give us the weapon," Ikuru ordered.

Reito hesitated for a moment, glancing up at his sister. The guy with a dirty-brown ponytail pointedly pressed his pistol against Reito's back.

"Do as he says," Shizuru said crisply.

Reito nodded. "Mikoto, that's enough."

"Yes, Ani-Ue." Mikoto jumped back off the woman, and threw down the tanto. Both the people around her turned to point guns at her, while she just glared back indifferently.

It's a bad time to think about it, but there's something wrong with that girl.

"And that's all. Though I say that, we're only beginning. I'm glad we could resolve this quickly, though." Ikuru smiled. "If you'd prolonged that situation, it would have been very problematic for me."

My insides twisted at that. Had Reito made the wrong decision? Was saving just the old man really worth giving up our only position of control? Maybe we'd screwed up. But it was too impossible to try and negotiate from this position, after all. Too impossible to think.

"So, what do you intend now?" Shizuru asked. "Really, your only business should be with me."

"I haven't said anything about our motives," Ikuru repeated. "That's just an aside. An interesting aside. I will be talking to you from time to time, and asking you a few more questions. Please think of yourself as the Queen of Hell."

"You have a surprisingly theatric bent of mind," Shizuru said calmly.

"Perhaps."

Umi and the grey-haired guy returned. "It's done," Umi said briefly. "They're getting ready, though. Negotiations first, but they're bringing a fair few people." She frowned. "What do you intend, Ikuru?"

"That's a little strange coming from you. And remember where we stand." Ikuru stood, folding his arms. "We have some time. Bald, please take care of the negotiations along the lines we'd outlined."

"Okay, I'll get on it," the blonde said.

"Even with that, this is a dangerous situation," Umi began. "I know you have some kind of plan, but-"

"Simply follow my orders, and everything will be fine. Finish securing the hostages. Once we've done that, we'll start proper preparations. They won't be ready to move for twenty minutes yet." Ikuru nodded. "I guarantee it."

"Yes, sergeant," Umi said, giving him a dubious look before turning away.

"If suicide is your intention, this is a very inelegant method," Shizuru noted. "Can't you just shoot ourselves in the head instead? It would be more convenient for me."

"I can assure you, we will more than survive," Ikuru said, sounding amused.

"No. You'll die." Shizuru stated it quite matter-of-factly, as if she was reminding us that books were read, not eaten. "All of you here will die. Certainly."

"In the fullness of time, yes. But later than you know. Later than you now." Ikuru turned to regard Shizuru, stepping towards her. "Your audacity is breathtaking, Shizuru-Hime."

"It's just a simple warning. Bear it in mind."

Right now, I could still move, so I turned to follow the two of them as they stared at each other. Shizuru's eyes were blank but focused, terrifying. In her face and in her voice, they both recall her sublime blankness and security of purpose. It's the same look she wore so much in the Carnival. You will die. That is because I wish you to die. I will humour you for a minute, or for five, or a day, but the moment I apply myself you will disappear from this world. My voice is a prophecy. That was everything laid on her words, and because it's Shizuru saying it, you could almost believe she was the one in control, and not them. That it's really that way, she really is just humouring them, and when she's bored she will raise her hands, form her weapon and summon her Child, and they will simply die.

But that's not true. She doesn't have any power here, so it's just a dark inflection. He knows that as well. If you continue to say something like that knowing you can't do anything, it's just empty recklessness. And besides all of that, I hate it when she uses that voice. It's wrong. She shouldn't have to do this any longer. I should be able to protect her. But I'm powerless, just like before. Just like with Nao.

"Thank you for your warning," Ikuru said. "It's much appreciated." He stopped just out of reach, raising his pistol and pointing it at her forehead.

"You're welcome." Shizuru stared back at him evenly. If she saw the gun at all, she didn't acknowledge it.

But I damn well saw it, and though my stomach was churning I pushed myself between them, turning to glare at Ikuru. "You bastard," I spat, muffled by the cloth tied round my face.

"You're exactly as the reports said, Natsuki-Hime," Ikuru began.

Something grabbed my hair and dragged me violently sideways, almost throwing me over. I staggered, barely managing to keep myself standing.

"I'm sorry, Natsuki," Shizuru said, giving me a sad look. "Please don't do anything unnecessary, okay?"

"Right back at you," I said, shooting her a very dark look. And while I doubt she made anything of the mumble, I think she got the idea, all the same. She turned away.

"Don't worry, I'm not shooting anyone," Ikuru said, lowering his pistol. "I just wanted to see Shizuru-Hime's legendary eyes clearly."

"You haven't stopped making your own entertainment," the black haired woman said, sighing. "Can we drop the Hime stuff, already? It's very irksome."

"It's force of habit," Ikuru said. "In any case, I'm finished for now. Move the hostages over to one corner. Widow, please watch over Shizuru-Hime. Shoot her if necessary, but don't do anything unnecessary."

"Whatever you say," Umi said briefly, stepping forwards. "I don't personally see any value in keeping her alive. Ransoming her for money means we lose the moral high ground."

"Screw the moral high ground," the grey-haired guy said. "We're not here for that, Umi. We're not here for you."

"This way will satisfy everyone in the end, I can assure you," Ikuru said calmly. "You should trust my judgement a little more, Widow. It has proved to be sounder than your own."

"Whatever you say," Umi repeated sourly.

As this isn't a military operation, is it? For the first time, you guys are doing something other than the orders passed from on high. It's inevitable there'd be friction when you actually have to exercise your own judgement. And the more time you have doing nothing else, like this, the worse it will get. So that's another fragment of hope. And there's one more thing. This isn't the same as with Nao. This time, I haven't been betrayed by the source of my strength. This time, I still have the will to fight. So, somewhere, somehow, surely. I'll keep thinking and watching and looking, until I find a way to overturn this situation. And even though I'm heavy with fear and sick with crawling apprehension, I can still clearly understand what I have to do. I can still fight.

If that's the case, then I'll just wait for my chance.

* * *

It's the same.

This feeling that fills me now is identical to the Carnival. Cold, hard uncaring, sure purpose, certainty. My body is an irrelevance. The terror of the situation in itself does not relate to my fearlessness. I'd been sure and certain that I'd never feel this feeling again. This feeling that cuts empathy and humanity away from me, leaving me so cold, so isolated and with almost everyone and everything around me utterly remote. If I strike like this, it may as well be across an infinite distance, because I don't feel anything at all. When I'm wrapped up in this emotion, in other words, I can kill without regret. I become a monster, and only later do I appreciate the consequences of my own actions.

I'd thought that it would fade with Kiyohime and the brand across my flank.

I'd forgotten that it felt this good.

No, after everything, this was better than ever before. There wasn't any need to feel guilty any more. There wasn't a need for a moral dilemma. Even when that woman came at me the first time, I still felt doubts. Perhaps, perhaps, that was legitimate. Perhaps it was her right to kill me. That might be what the world expected of me. But this is different. Involving the others, and my family, and Natsuki is unforgivable. In this situation I don't have to doubt. Instead, with conviction, I can tear you all to pieces. I'll enjoy doing that.

Of course, while such cold and haughty purpose has battened down my lower self, I'm not stupid. And sadly my current power is very much distant from the purpose. Experimentally and sincerely I called out to my Element and Kiyohime, just I had done before. Perhaps my powers would return with that surge of dark emotion. Unfortunately, the real world isn't that convenient. My powers had been new limbs, as it were, and once they were cut off there was no returning them. I didn't even feel their phantasms as I stood there, shouting inside my head in vain. And it wouldn't be prudent to call Kiyohime's name out loud like before, either.

If that's the case, it's almost good. I can concentrate on real life circumstances without hesitation. The first point is that we are alive. So we still have some value to them. The second is that I am untied. If that's his game, he is welcome to it, as I'll find cause to make him regret it in due course. The third point is that Otousama, apparently, is free to go. And I know he will do everything within his considerable power to set us free.

This is still a bad situation, but I don't have a bad feeling. Not yet. Oh, I'm terrified. At any moment and with any whimsy they could kill Natsuki. But it doesn't feel like this situation is irreversible for now.

My eyes met Natsuki's briefly, her emerald eyes blazing. There was spirit there, instead of despair. And if she's like that, how could I dare to let her down?

Ikuru checked his watch. "Five minutes," he announced to the room at large.

"Five minutes?" Umi asked.

"In five minutes they will attack with between twelve and twenty police officers armed with pistols," Ikuru said. "There will probably be no heavier weapons, and there will certainly be no SAT. Marksmen are in position but they can't do anything right now. I chose this room for that. Most likely, a few of them will be wearing light body armour. They'll attack head-on after throwing flash-bangs. Those flash-bangs will be faulty, but we can return the favour with real ones. Three minutes. Heron won't have to move in this situation."

"That's a very demonic prescience you possess," I said sarcastically. "Or have you controlled this situation in more ways than one?"

"Forgive me, Shizuru-Hime, but we will have to restrain you for this," Ikuru said. "I suspect you would make a move otherwise. But, please feel free of watch. Do it, Widow. The rest of you prepare. This is nothing for us."

"As expected of you," Crow said, crouching behind an overturned table with her pistol by her side. "I don't know what magic you use, but it makes an incredible difference."

"I simply have good information," Ikuru said, taking up a firing position himself. "Get ready."

I considered attacking, but I'm not confident of my unarmed combat skills. And in any case, she pointed a gun at me while Fox cuffed me, and those are long odds even for me. Then he gagged me, before dragging me over and throwing me down amongst the others. I managed to struggle up, despite having no free hands, and turned expectantly to face the door.

Ikuru touched his headpiece. "Bald, come back. They're kicking off now. Ah, and we've confirmed it as sixteen men."

"Won't they know something's wrong if he breaks off that suddenly?" Umi asked.

"Don't worry," Ikuru said. "They will come all the same."

"Well, I'd rather they didn't it," Umi said.

"Widow, Fox, watch the hostages."

"Always with the lame jobs for us," the grey-haired man said, taking up a position behind the group of hostages, able to cover us and the door alike. "What did I do?"

"They're coming," the bald man said briefly.

Natsuki stopped close to me, looking at me. Though she didn't try to say a word, I understood the meaning of her eyes. It was simple hope and comfort, regardless of circumstances. A mother would soothe her child even amidst a warzone. So in the same way, I nodded back, and tried to smile.

It came suddenly, so suddenly it might even have worked if the hostage-takers hadn't timed it to the minute. Prediction one, as expected. The doors slammed open and grenades rolled through, but they exploded with a damp sound rather than a bang, throwing up weak smoke and no more. Prediction two. The next moment, the first officers began the assault, and the slaughter began. They died instantly, shot through the head. And Ikuru's men fired, swiftly and well, barely letting their enemy enter before killing them. They shouted, though, "left", "right," "middle", designating targets as if they were playing a game. Within thirty seconds, it was over. Nine bodies littered the entryway. I don't know if seven more retreated, wounded and shell-shocked, to report back to their superiors.

I'm no soldier, but I understand. If the police had hit them while they were scattered as usual, with flashbangs, they'd probably have tied. In this perverse reversal they simply tied, and would never be able to achieve anything else.

Though I'm sure you'd like this to be your genius, Ikuru, I doubt that. Genius doesn't sabotage equipment. You have an extra edge. One I can't see. I'll bear that in mind.

"Give it two minutes, but that should be everything," Ikuru said. "Bear, Wolf, please check the bodies."

The two men closest to the door stood rapidly, taking aim. They fired a series of shots into the skulls of those arranged in front of them. At least one twitched before falling still.

"That was a little dull, really," Bald said, messing his blonde hair up playfully. "But it can't be helped. You're always too careful, Jackal."

Ikuru snorted. "Better than the alternative."

"It was a massacre," Umi said coolly. "Was that strictly necessary? They had nothing to do with this!"

Ikuru slipped his pistol into its holster, standing. "It was within expectations. If you object, please give yourself up alone. We'll continue."

Umi gave him a dark look, falling silent. And I like that. Perhaps there's something to be worked, right there.

"So, if you have good information, when will we be attacked next?" Crow asked, reloading her pistol. "Do you know?"

"We will negotiate again," Ikuru said briefly. "We should be able to stall for a further forty-five minutes. SAT will not arrive within that time, but a new circumstance should develop, bringing the situation well within our favour. I can't be more specific than that."

"It's been too long," Bald said. "You know, you crazy bastard, I actually missed that voice of yours."

"Reminisce when the operation is concluded," Ikuru ordered. "In the meantime, retrieve the ammunition from the remnants of the assault. It's of the right calibre for our guns. After that, move the bodies outside this room. Bald, please prepare to renew negotiations with a threat of execution."

"Ooh. Yes, sir."

Natsuki tensed visibly, and I felt my stomach knot. Yes, that previously carefree circumstance was tightening like a noose as we sat.

"Widow, please release Shizuru-Hime again."

"Leaving her is fine, isn't it?" Umi demanded, striding towards me. "There's no meaning in this."

"It's an important part of the game." Ikuru turned to regard me. "Apologies for my inhospitality, Shizuru-Hime. We will be playing round two now."

I glared at him as Umi dragged me up, speaking as soon as my mouth was unbound. "You're very hospitable, after all. Can I help you?"

"Yes, you can." Ikuru cocked his head at me. "We will be executing one of your number to demonstrate that we are serious. Please pick that person."

"I won't," I said, trying to stop my voice from shaking. It might be a bluff. You have to believe it is a bluff.

"Ah. That isn't like you, Shizuru-Hime. Recoiling from making a decision, just because it would make you look bad, that's irresponsible." Ikuru folded his arms. "And in any case, if you did not choose, I would." His gaze swept the line of us, lingering on Natsuki.

No. Not that. God, not that, I'd die, I'd perish, it's worse than dying. I won't lose her again, not now. "Then take my life!" I shouted desperately. "You want me anyway!"

"False nobility is charming, but is that really the voice of your heart?" Ikuru glanced at me for a long moment, and in that time I heard his voice and saw his face. Nagi. This man and him, they were the same. And, oh, I had hated Nagi with a deep and abiding sincerity. "If you that, it will make her sad. And in any case, we won't allow it. The purpose of this exercise is to leave you with no noble choices."

"And I have no choice but to abide by that rule, isn't that right?" I asked, voice shaking slightly. My fingernails dug into the palm of my hand. "There should be another circumstance. Otousama will pay handsomely, so-"

"Answer, or I'll kill whoever I please," Ikuru repeated.

I took a breath, trying to think. This is impossible. No matter what choice I make, I will be despised.

"How about Shiho-Hime?" Ikuru suggested casually. "You barely know her. Does anyone love her anyway?" He looked around. "Or perhaps Kanzaki. After all, this situation was all his fault, if you come back to everything. The Carnival. Perhaps his sister, instead. Isn't she just a rabid beast to begin with? You can play friends, but really, you detest her. You shouldn't deny that she's a freak to you, with that strength and nature. Or Saaya-san? She isn't even family. Is she really any use to anyone? Or Mai-Hime. Her, you genuinely despise-"

"That's enough!" I shouted.

Ikuru stopped, smirking. "As you say, Shizuru-Hime."

I bit my lip and closed my eyes, taking a breath. It- it couldn't be helped. "Please, take my body," I repeated shakily. "I'm begging you. I deserve it."

"That's not an option."

My eyes snapped open and I glared down on him. "Then you will certainly die. It will not be comfortable."

Ikuru nodded. "And?"

I took another breath. "Can I talk to the person I choose? And question them?"

Ikuru waved a hand. "Briefly. It might be interesting."

"Then. Saaya."

Ikuru smirked. "Very well. Umi."

Umi helped Saaya stand, then removed the gag. And pale, broken and afraid, my mother's companion turned to face me. I couldn't help but feel a deep, wretched spasm of guilt.

"You're family, a Fujino," I began unsteadily. "And, you've promised to Okasama, so… if my body will not suffice, will you accept that… that will?" I faltered, and stopped. No, there wasn't anything I could say. I couldn't ever justify this, and so she should despise me now. That's fine.

Saaya gave me a long, unsteady look. "That is a good decision," she said after a while.

And even so, you hate me.

"So it's true. You are, at heart, a collaborator." Ikuru turned away. "You will follow the flow of an inevitable circumstance in order to mitigate the consequences. I can respect that, actually."

Who asked for your opinion.

He touched his headpiece again. "But, he's very kind. Shinri Fujino-san." Ikuru turned his head. "Though the police said no, that man's wired the money on his own initiative. So, we keep our word. Umi, gag her and put her down again."

I fell to my knees myself, gasping for breath. I looked to floor, feeling my composure completely shatter around me. So much for my demonic self. So much for that resolve. How can it do anything when things are like this?

"So, do you understand, Shizuru-Hime?" Ikuru asked.

And this is my punishment. Say not queen of hell… I am a princess in hell, and I am powerless. Chains and ash and I can't breath, only weep dry tears.

Something bumped clumsily into my shoulder. When I turned my head, Natsuki was there, leaning on me. That was all she could do.

"Cute. Widow, drag her away," Ikuru said curtly.

But he couldn't take away that movement, that moment which allowed me to breathe again.

And when Umi dragged me up, it was by the shoulders, and there was only pain in her eyes. Behind my face that demon smiled.

imeHimHime


	66. Chapter 66

**Windows of the Soul: Part Sixty-Six**

With reference to Saaya, the important thing isn't who Shizuru chose, as there's enough reasons to justify choosing just about anyone. Nonetheless she made a choice.

And this chapter is as good an example as any as to my whimsy, at least for the first part. Make of that what you will.

* * *

I still hate being powerless. I still hate this situation where I can't do anything but watch as that bastard imposes his will on Shizuru, twisting and disturbing sadism and all. It's already consuming me from within, my anger and frustration, and it's devouring my fear as well. I swear, with that same cold rage I staked my life on before, if this continues I won't be able to hold myself back. I'd do something reckless just to prove that I could strike back, even if I had to die.

But that would kill the others as well, and take me from Shizuru. It's a meaningless impulse. What remains is my hollow anger.

Even so, she's too distant. I understand what that man wants to do. Shizuru should be here next to me, tied up, another victim. She'd suffer less, and she'd be with the rest of us, where she belongs. As it is, he's moved her into a strange place. Neither one thing nor the other, but we'll certainly have to look up at her and reflect on that distance between us, and wonder and remember at why she is different, compared to us. That's what he wants us to do. And when he makes her pronounce judgements from that distant place, there's no way she wouldn't be resented. Whatever Umi might be thinking, I could care less, but it works for us as well. I just hope they see. Even if it doesn't make a difference now in theory, I'm sure Shizuru will have realised this as well. And in any case, after this is over, I want her to feel like she can join us the same as before. Because we will have an afterwards, and this won't be the end. Surely.

In the meantime, I just wait, and wait, and wait. For a chance, a change, a miracle. Somewhere, somehow. That's all I can do right now.

"It's the waiting that gets to me," the black-haired woman said, leaning back in her seat. "Can we do something, Sarge? Shouldn't we patrol?"

"You could, but that would be less and not more safe," Ikuru said. "Don't worry, this situation is within my control. If they make an unanticipated move, I'll still have advanced warning from Heron."

"You rely too much on that," the grey-haired guy chided. "Whatever bogus magic you're working, and her intelligence. She can't see everything, you know. It's imprudent."

"This situation would be impossible for us from the start if it wasn't for my work," Ikuru said. "As for the rest, as I said, if you feel it's necessary to patrol, please go ahead. But this room has enough dangerous people as it is."

"That's flattering, but an overstatement," Shizuru said. Her voice was still slightly shaken, but she tried to look defiant. "All the same, you're taking some pretty striking chances? If you have time to let me stand around like this, wouldn't it be better for you if you did some more work?"

"Advice, now." Ikuru smiled slightly. "You work hard, Shizuru-Hime."

"Isn't that enough, Nishiki?" Umi asked. "Just tie her up and throw her down, already. That voice irritates me."

"Do you want to kill her?" Ikuru asked thoughtfully.

"Of course!" Umi said forcefully. "But you're planning something, aren't you? It can't be helped. I'm just tired of your games."

Ikuru smirked again. "Is that so? Sorry. But, this is the least I can do for them, don't you think?" He shrugged. "It gives me another idea," he said, eyes sweeping us. "How about a story, Shizuru-Hime? To ease the passage of time."

"A story? Perhaps a story of a long-ago and far away time?" Shizuru asked, looking down at him. "You are incomprehensible."

"I prefer recent stories, and fairy-tales with fine endings." Ikuru sighed, tapping his earpiece briefly. "But sadly the story of this present is altogether too tedious. Do you want to start, Widow? This is something you should be able to tell well."

"I'm not interested," Umi said briefly.

"Then I'll begin, with a different story." Ikuru looked around again. "Long-ago, in a far away time, a dark God saw all things and he was disquieted. People were small and weak, subject to great forces they didn't understand, and so the only light in a grim world was transient and wavering. Child enslaved beast, and mother child, and man woman, and all feared the great beasts of the plain and the spirits of the sky." He clapped his hands. "And he said, this shall not be."

Surprisingly enough, he doesn't have a bad voice for this. Though I have to smirk at the expression on his subordinates' faces. We're not with this guy. Not at all.

"And so he tried coming before mortal men, time and again, but they were terrified, and attacked or ran. And God was displeased and misunderstood, before he came to meet a child. That child did not run, so the God, who was great and wise, asked a mere child. Why do they run? That's what he asked." Ikuru lowered his hands. "And the child, who was sagacious beyond her years, said 'you are strange'. So the God understood. He understood the fundamental and wretched difference between them and himself, and was much disquieted. They are not so different from the beasts of the field and spirits of the sky after all, God said, and he considered turning away altogether."

"In other words, a God which sees all things does not understand human fear. Well, if that's so, he's neither great nor wise," Shizuru said, shrugging.

Sometimes I wonder why she's playing along so much. But my heart moves when I hear her voice, I'll admit. I think, in a small way, that's Ikuru's enforced error. She's just separate from us, but she's still standing. And for as long as she can continue to speak, it will encourage all of us. In a small way, at least, I'm comforted myself to know she can look you in the eye.

Ikuru turned to face Shizuru, nodding. "Perhaps. Hold that thought, Shizuru-Hime. Perhaps, indeed, that God was not wise. For he decided not to turn away, and faced the child again. And he asked the child, how shall I let your people accept me? And that child said, I will take you to my father. He is the chief of the village. And so they went, but still the men screamed and attacked. Or so they did, until the girl raised her arms to protect the God. Then they stopped, and he did not understand. And he was taken to the chief, and called three times, and each time, the chief told him to depart. My son is dying, my son is dying, so leave me be. And after that, he turned to the child, and asked, why is he afraid? Plants die. Trees dies. Beasts die. Even the spirits die. So, why is he afraid?"

This time no one replied. And for my part, I was simply trapped in the surreality of it. This man was telling us a children's fable amidst a hostage situation. He sure is confident.

He sure is good at this.

"And the child said, we are afraid to die." Ikuru slipped a hand inside his pocket. "And no more. But, the God accepted those words. And he said, let me in, for I will save that child's life. He fought long and hard, using all his power, and walked eight million plains of hell to bring that boy back. But when they came face to face, and he offered to take the boy back, he said no. He did not want to return. He would rather walk into the darkness, than walk back to an even worse world. And this, the God understood. So he came back, but not in vain, for he took the boy's body, and made it is his own. And he asked the girl, what should I do? And she said, help us live, where my brother died. And so he received her will, and lent them her power. But it's at this time he also learned the limits of his power. Nothing could be done with humans, but for this human body. Inside this human body, his old power faded away to nothing. Even so, he considered it a fair trade."

"And did he gain wisdom from that body?" Shizuru asked, with an inscrutable tone and expression. She could have been serious or deeply ironic, but Ikuru didn't seem to mind.

"He was a God, great and wise," Ikuru repeated. "And he invested his power in the girl, who accepted it, even as his own power rotted in a corpse body. And she, the daughter of her father, became a God's Hime. She was his sword, and he was their mind, and together they wrought great things, and tamed the beasts of the plain in yoke, and the spirits of the sky under the will of the Hime. They wrought great things, indeed, but the other tribes saw this and grew envious, and they came together to wage war on the tribe of the God. And so he asked the girl, why do they fight? We are all humans, creating a better world. And the girl, who had become great and strong, said they are jealous. They envy our power. And by lengths, the God understood, and went into the mountains for twelve days and twelve nights in despair. And without him, the tribe despaired, and by lengths the Hime dragged him back, and said you must finish what you have begun."

He looked up at the ceiling, pulling his hand out of his pocket. "And he asked the girl, how should I finish? And because she was wise and strong, she said, we will ask all the tribes. And so the twelve tribes came together, and the God asked them just this. What do you wish of me, to end this war? And they said this; it is not fair that the tribe of the Hime alone should receive your power. Lend it to us as well, and let us stand equally. Then we will destroy the Hime tribe. And the God asked the girl this, surely this is madness? You are all human, so why should you have to fight? And because she was wise, she said this. Because we are human. And because she was strong, she said one more thing. Do as they say. They will surely fall upon each other, and then I will destroy them."

He closed his eyes. "And he did so, and so it was, and Maiko-Hime brought her father to be ruler of all the tribes, and they wrought great things, and founded much more. But this time, the God was not there. He thought on all he had learned, and everything Maiko had said, and returned after three hundred years to ask what he should do now. But, in that time, Maiko had died, and he did not know what to do. And the God searched the highest peak, and the lowest dale, and walked into hell, calling her name, but she was not there. So, he remembered her last wish to him. And from that day forwards, every three hundred years, twelve girls would receive Maiko's will and power, and settle the fate of the world. This was proper, the God said ever after, because it is human nature. This is what she wished for." Ikuru looked at the floor again, sighing. "And so it was, ever after. So, who was wise? And who was the child?"

"You haven't changed at all," Umi said.

"Of course, that is, most likely, a lie," Ikuru said, grinning again. "Mythology is nonsense, but it's nonsense spun from the human heart. As you can see, it's dark, brooding, and vicious. There can be no regard for another tribe when your own is endangered, isn't that right? Shizuru-Hime?"

Shizuru gave him a long look, then turned away. "That may be so, but you aren't glad."

"Don't confuse me with Umi. I enjoy this world, and understand it. That's why you fascinate me, Shizuru-Hime." Ikuru cocked his head. "You are very close to the fundamental human self."

"That's enough, Sergeant," the grey-haired man said. "It's been fifteen minutes. We're waiting."

"Yes. Of course." Ikuru closed his eyes briefly. "That reminds me, actually. I'll go and confirm something. Widow, Fox, please take of things here briefly."

"If you insist," the grey-haired man said, standing. "Just don't fall asleep."

"Don't worry. I'm not so forgetful I'll lose myself, even in my self-indulgence." Ikuru turned away, walking towards the far side of the room. "And watch Shizuru-Hime. She's dangerous, after all."

"Yes, yes." Fox snorted.

"In spite of everything, he's a surprisingly light-hearted man," Shizuru said defiantly. "That's a little offensive, isn't it?"

The man simply ignored her. I guess that's inevitable.

It would be good if I could ignore Ikuru, and all. If nothing else, the bastard has stage presence.

"Well, making no reply is fine as well," Shizuru said. "I can already read it in your face. You're not a subtle man, where he is, so there can't be any mistaking that. I'm also a little surprised, though, that you don't even bother to pretend."

"As far as I'm concerned, anything is reasonable for you," Fox said. "Humouring him is humouring you. So you should be careful."

"That sentiment of sincere concern, I'll return it to you," Shizuru said, with a fork-tongued flicker of her irony.

She's being reckless again, and I'm not going to let it end badly. Putting that aside, even then, this is a rare change when Ikuru's busy doing something else. So I struggled up from my very awkward sitting position, wincing from my stiff legs.

The Fox guy turned away from Shizuru, and pointed his gun at my face. Wonderful.

"Is there something?" Shizuru asked, with her usual calmness.

She made to step past Fox as if he wasn't there, but he blocked her with his free hand. "No one gave you the permission to move. For both of you, sitting there and rotting is fine."

"Take it easy," Umi advised, pushing his gun down. And she walked towards me, looking irritated. "Honestly, you're all way too gung-ho. They're teenage girls, Tamaki, what the hell are you scared of?"

"They beat you down without weapons," Fox said, returning his gun to his holster and looking irritable. "Don't forget, Umi, we're here because you fucked up. And even if that bastard talks way too much, I'll trust him ten times further than I trust you. Corporal."

"It's wonderful to have friends," Shizuru murmured.

"Whatever makes you happy. I didn't ask for you to come, after all." Umi stopped in front of me. "What is it? You want something?"

I considered trying to kick her. My legs were still free, after all. But that wouldn't achieve anything. Just another wishful idea. So I nodded vigorously instead, blushing slightly from the humiliation.

Umi pulled my gag down, glancing at me. "What?"

"Toilet," I said. "Do you have any idea how uncomfortable this is?"

"Let her rot," Fox said curtly.

Umi gave me a very look. "Fine. Come with me." She pulled my gag up again.

I blinked. Seriously? Was she seriously that stupid?

"Just let her shit on the floor," Fox said, glaring at her. "Enough idiocy, I've had enough already."

"I'm going, private," Umi said. "I'll leave things here to you. Don't worry, I haven't descended so much that I'll be overpowered like this."

"That's not the point here. You're undermining the whole situation!" Fox planted himself firmly in our way, glaring. "That's not necessary."

"It's fine," Ikuru said calmly, walking back towards the middle of the room. "Nothing undermines our situation more than this vulgar display, at the least. Fox, step down. Umi, please proceed."

Fox snorted, glaring at Ikuru for a moment, before stepping back. "Whatever you say."

"We agreed the chain of command would remain for this operation. Umi is still, for all her over-gentleness, my trusted subordinate. Isn't that so, Umi?"

"As you say," Umi said, sounding surprised.

"Crow, escort her." He raised a hand to forestall another comment from the grey-haired guy. "The situation won't drastically change for another twenty minutes. Besides that, I have very good news. The favourable change in circumstance I foreshadowed is confirmed as expected. Perhaps we can afford a little vanity in this situation."

Though this means, at least, that I'll have my chance, it's also bad news, obviously. If things are going well for him, that's bad for me. And more to the point, my chances of achieving any kind of success are markedly reduced if two people go with me. This was a dumb shot to begin with, but I was beginning to hope… now everything relies on a few chance circumstances. As I wasn't leaning on luck with this idea before.

"Yes, sir," Umi said neutrally.

The black-haired woman sighed, picking herself off the floor and walking towards us. "Now we're taking a girl to a potty break. You have a strange sense of humour."

"It's best if they're in good condition," Ikuru said ambiguously, turning away. "In any case, police snipers are now well in place. Heron killed one who approached her location, but there should be no problem with that. It's within expectations and won't trouble us. Right now, they are holding back. SAT is still delayed."

"I thought you proud of that outfit?" the bald guy said idly. "Or were they proud of you? You've certainly messed things around."

"Like I said, good information…"

"It must be nice, being able to rely on one person like this," Shizuru said calmly. "It doesn't reflect well on your intelligence, though."

We continued to walk towards the door, Umi walking next to me, the Crow girl behind me with her pistol pointed at my back or neck or head. One of the three, I couldn't exactly look. That had happened so much recently I was almost becoming immune to it. And on the whole, I'm more disquieted by this situation. I noticed this before, but things are going way too well for that guy. For a start, shouldn't the police have secured everything around the courtroom itself? But they're walking around like they own the whole building.

I fought the First District for years. I know when people are fucking with me. This is one of those times.

She led me up the corridor, before stopping briefly. "Narimi, can you wait here?"

"Why? I was to escort you all the way."

"Frankly, that's a vanity, and I'm afraid Nishiki is a little too overconfident. No matter the circumstances, it's strange, isn't it?" Umi glared. "Especially with the Fujino girl unbound. So if you can stay close, it'd ease my mind."

"Well, if that's what you want, Corporal." She gave Umi a cynical look. "Just… don't do anything stupid."

"Of course not. I can handle this girl easily." And with that, she led me away again.

So, who's the one being overconfident here? I began to move my hands subtly, trying to work out the range of motion I had with the cuffs on. Not much. But I should be able to manage.

Besides, you fulfilled another of the necessary conditions by leaving her back there.

"I'll say that to you as well," Umi said. "Don't do any stupid things. You'll regret it, believe me."

I glared at her without saying anything. Yeah, right.

"It's also obvious Nishiki doesn't intend to kill you," Umi said, sighing at me. "So if you simply sit things out, you won't die. As for the rest, I'm tired of it myself."

Don't talk to me as if we have anything in common.

"He's always been this way," Umi continued, pushing the door to the toilet open. "Now more than ever, I dislike it."

For a moment, she had back turned. I couldn't do anything, of course, though I was sorely tempted. But it showed she was off her guard, whatever her reasons might be. That's also necessary.

"If it's any consolation, it isn't personal." She held the door and gestured for me to come in. "It never is, with him." And she sounded bitter.

What did you expect? You're no better than he is.

She pushed open the door to one of the stalls. "No, well, it's not like there isn't a personal aspect this time," she continued, sounding like she was trying to convince herself. "It's against Shizuru-Hime, and what she did was unforgivable. Far worse than just this."

I tried not to roll my eyes.

Perhaps Umi caught that thought, because her next words were decidedly cold. "Do you need help undressing?"

I bit back my pride and nodded. The more limited she thought my motions to be, the better it would be for me.

She unhooked my jeans, letting them fall, then pulled down my pants. Believe me when I say it doesn't get much more degrading than that, and I flushed furiously, but I didn't say a word. I couldn't say a word. She pushed me in, then closed the door after me. "Be quick."

I smiled in my new-found sanctuary. Yes. She really was that stupid.

"But, you know, I didn't ask for this. I really didn't." According to her voice's position, she was leaning against the basins opposite me. She'd probably be facing me, then.

I stepped out of the clothes wrapped round my feet, gingerly pulling free and putting my back to the toilet. Was it possible? I wouldn't know until I tried. I knelt forwards, trying to push my handcuffs past my hips. It was incredibly tight and close, and I gritted my teeth as the cold metal bit into my wrists and my ass alike. Shit. Keep going. Keep pressing.

"I really thought he wasn't going to do anything, when I saw him that day. So I was touched when they were there, and more so when they acted, but it was the same as ever, after all." Umi laughed sadly. "Ikuru never does anything if he doesn't see the profit in it. I should have remembered that. I thought I'd learned a long time ago."

Who cares about your goddamn monologue? What's fucking wrong with you people, seriously? The sides of my arms ground painfully down my thighs, but somehow I managed to get the cuffs clear and down to knee-height, where the was so much more space. Well, at least it means she isn't paying attention. I fell onto the toilet, and went a little, to keep up the illusion. And I forced my left leg up to my chest, stretching desperately. The metal cut into my foot before I managed to drag it clear. A wave of adrenaline hit me. Yes. It could be done. I could do this!

"And I hate Shizuru-Hime. I really do. So, it's not like that's why I hate this." Umi paused for a moment. "No, I hate her far more than Ikuru does. I think he likes her… he never did care about what the others, or if he did, he ignored it. So that's why he can treat it as a game. It's not a game. That's why it feels so wrong."

I pulled my right leg up, repeating the process. This one was harder, I actually cut myself a little, but I did it. And my arms were on fire, their muscles stretched dangerously close to the breaking point, while my whole body was drained from the sheer exhaustion of stretching. But now my hands were in front of my body, not behind them. And that changes everything.

"No, this definitely wrong," Umi said decisively. "I know that. Torture, sadism, there's no meaning in that. It just gratifies our angry feelings, perhaps, but it also means we descend to her level. That's why she should be killed cleanly. There's a kind of nobility in that."

The hell there is. Take it from me. Just what kind of hypocritical logic are you using, anyway?

I knelt awkwardly, managing to twist my hands enough to pull up my trousers and pants, bringing them roughly into place. Even that hurt my wrists. Shit. After that, I reached over my head, hands finding the end of the gag and grabbing it. I jerked my hand sideways, pulling it free and catching the cloth before it fell. You never know what might come in useful.

"I don't know why I'm telling you this," Umi said, sounding subdued. "But I think we're similar, after all. You tried to avenge a loved one. Perhaps, somehow, you can understand. Even if we have to be enemies."

I bit my lip, forcing myself not to shout a reply with my new-found freedom. Don't go having a weird moment like that by yourself. Even if we're similar, we're not the same. And I've disowned that part of me which used to be you.

Something clicked on the other side of the door. "So I'm going to finish it. You should just wait here. It's for the best."

She stepped across floor, heading towards the door. And in that moment it hit me. The realisation and fear of what I was actually going to do. This was ridiculously dangerous. I stepped forwards, trying to quietly open the door. My heart pulsed in my chest, over and over. I'd have one shot. My eyes moved to embrace my aching back. If I screwed up, I'd die instantly. But I didn't have time to think. I exploded towards her, raising my hands about my head.

Umi tried to turn but my hands slammed down before she could, embracing her head with my arms. Then I jerked back, slamming the handcuffs into her neck and drawing them tight. "Don't go deciding shit like that for yourself!" I shouted.

She opened her mouth to call out, but I pulled back violently, stifling her voice in her throat and staggering her. This wasn't working, I needed to brace her somehow. The gun flipped back and I moved to avoid it. She kicked back, hitting my just below the knee, and fired blind, shattering one of the tiles in the wall behind me. Her knife was flung back in her left hand but I'd already side-stepped it. Not twice! I jerked back again, then brought up my left leg and drove it into the small of her back. She gave a strangled scream, thrashing violently, but I deepened my grip, dragging the metal into her skin and drawing blood. No time for regrets. Her knife dropped from nerveless fingers. She shot again, skimming my shoulder, before instinct overcame her and she clawed vainly at the chain around her neck. Just hold on. Don't think. Just hold on and this would end.

The door slammed open, and the black-haired woman took in the situation at a glance. "Umi!" She fired instinctively, but I was well covered by the taller woman. Then she moved to flank me.

My leg snapped down, kicking Umi's legs out from under her. She fell backwards on top of me, coughing with desperate violence, right hand still weakly clutching the pistol. I fell with her, grimacing as she landed on top of me, and pulled my arms back over her head. I reached sideways as Crow loomed overhead, my right hand pulling the pistol from hers. A shot exploded next to my face, but I was already rolling, snapping off a shot. The recoil slammed into my wrist. The shot hit her in the leg, and she fell to one knee, aiming again. I brought my hand around and fired.

A white-hot claw slammed into my shoulder, shattering bone and scorching flesh with it.

Crow gave me a blank look, blood pouring from her chest. A moment later, she collapsed.

I tried and failed to move my right arm, roots of agony shooting from my shoulder throughout my body. I dropped the pistol, grabbing it with my left hand and rising. Shattered bone scraped audibly as my right shoulder was forced along the same motion, my vision rippling as I tried tears of pain. But still I rose and took aim, my left leg slamming against Umi's stomach. Winded, she dropped the knife she was thrusting towards my leg.

Our eyes met at that point.

"Don't fuck around if you have regrets," I croaked. "I won't apologise for this."

Her eyes turned red, and I remembered haunting words and a mesmerising smile.

I adjusted my aim, shooting her in the knee. Then I kicked her knife away.

"Why?" Umi asked, sounding genuinely puzzled.

I turned away, staggering towards the door. "Lying there and dying is fine for you," I managed, breathing heavily. My vision swam, and I almost fell. My shoulder screamed like hell itself, and not even the adrenaline took that pain away.

Shit. Is this as far as I go?

I fell to my knees, then twisted my body so I could lean against the wall, sparing my right side. Sweat dripped down my face as I breathed and breathed, desperately trying to force this exhausted haze out of my mind. Shit. Shit.

I made myself keep a tight grip on the pistol, then turned to stare at my wound. It was a nauseating mess of torn cloth, red blood, and even a sickening flash of my white. I quickly looked away, tilting my head lamely upwards.

I'm sorry. Shizuru. I think this might be all I can do, this time around.

Umi started to crawl towards me. I snapped my arms up, ignoring the pain, and pointed my gun towards her head. "Don't… come…"

Umi carried on dragging herself forwards. The other woman… Narimi… Umi held that woman's gun in her left hand. And bizarrely, she smiled thinly at me.

"Don't come!" I repeated more loudly. I doubled over as a wave of pain hit me, vision swimming.

Umi stopped in front of me, reaching out and touching my arm with her own. Gently, she pushed my hands down, holding eye contact. Then she reached out with her left hand, pressing the pistol against the chains of the cuffs. She pulled the trigger, and they shattered, scattering metal in all directions. Some of it slammed into my legs, cutting through the jeans and lacerating my skin. But I could move my left arm again.

"We should have bound your legs," Umi murmured, pushing the pistol towards me. A moment later, she rolled over, lying back and looking the ceiling. Blood dripped down her face where a shard of metal had pierced it. "Sorry. For everything."

"Not at all," I breathed, trying to focus on the lights.

Somewhere, somehow, I'll still come. Shizuru.


	67. Chapter 67

**Windows of the Soul: Part Sixty-Seven**

This has gone on a little longer than I expected, but we're getting there. We still don't have all the pieces, either, but does that matter? Our girls see what's in front of them right now, and that's enough...

* * *

"Is this really okay, Sergeant?"

Ikuru shrugged. "Of course. There's no reason to be afraid. Besides, isn't it good to be civil?"

"If you say so," Fox said, sounding dubious.

"Well, if she tries anything, that girl will just die," Ikuru pointed out, turning away. "That's all."

"Of course. All the same, it's too irregular for my tastes."

"Well. I have an ulterior motive." Ikuru turned to regard the other. "As ever, Umi… Widow is gentle. She's always been that way. But we can't let that get in the way of the mission. And if her compassion shifts into passion again, it could be a problem for us. Quite a problem."

The bald man nodded. "We understand."

"No, not quite," Fox said, raising his hand. "If that happens, Ikuru? If she tries to harm Shizuru-Hime, what do we do? You should say this clearly."

Ikuru chuckled. "As ever, you're quick to make sure I'm responsible for everything. But don't worry, I will take responsibility. This is natural for us." He folded his arms. "Shizuru-Hime is an important part of our mission. And what we do when our mission objective is endangered hasn't changed at all."

Fox nodded. "That, I can understand. How about you two?"

"I have no objection," the Bear said, folding his arms. "She understands as well. There's no meaning in hesitating in that kind of situation."

Fox nodded. "Hey, Door? What do you say?"

The younger man blinked, staring at him. "About this… if that's what necessary. It's something we'd have done even without prompting, right?"

"I'm glad we're in agreement. This is also why I didn't involve Crow in this, but if we've resolved that issue this clearly there's no reason to fear." Ikuru stepped back casually. "If it goes that far, though, I'll have failed as a leader. I'm sure she's still loyal enough to keep this truth in mind."

"It's very cute, you euphemisms and rationalisations," I said, speaking for the rest time in a while. "But broadly you're talking about killing one of your comrades, aren't you? Mincing your words is inelegant. Use the word murder plainly, why don't you?"

"Now don't say that. This is for your sake, after all." Ikuru stepped towards me, smiling. "Besides, you should know all about killing your comrades, isn't that right? Shizuru-Hime?"

I turned my head away, frowning darkly. "I don't remember ever saying I had comrades to begin with. Things are different now."

"Oh, really? Well, work hard. It's good for a girl to have friends."

"Certainly," I agreed, trying to stay calm.

These people are hopeless. Even if it's killing one of their own, they can discuss it so calmly, and agree to it so easily… though, for all my bravado, I really can't talk. But at least when I killed, I killed for Natsuki. It was a thread of humanity for me to cling to even when I fell to such an extent. And what do these men kill for? Pleasure? Money? Professional pride? I don't know. It's an eerie characteristic for anyone to have. The problem is greater when they're holding me hostage. The irony is that such a coldness is the only reason I am alive.

"Actually, we have a few more minutes," Ikuru said, walking behind me and touching my shoulder briefly with his hand. "Why don't we talk about that strange story, Shizuru-Hime?"

"Again?" Fox sighed. "Don't we have serious work to do, Sergeant?"

"We have the serious business of waiting around to do!" Ikuru said loudly. "You three get on with that without interrupting. I'm having a polite conversation here."

"Isn't this just a little too complacent?" I asked. "Things have been going well for you, but isn't it just too perfect?"

Please don't do anything stupid, Natsuki. You'll only be hurt.

"There's no such thing. When a crisis comes up, I'll deal with it, but I can't deal with a crisis that doesn't exist." Ikuru chuckled. "Unfortunately, Shizuru-Hime, this isn't a movie-type scenario. You can't simply pray for a miracle to overturn this situation. The world isn't that naïve and convenient."

"Don't worry. I always make my own miracles," I said, with more bravado than prudence. But there was another concern, as well. Stalling him for as long as possible was a good idea for me, right now.

"Miracles is an odd word. Can devils make miracles? When they change the order of world, what do you call that phenomenon?" He stepped past me, glancing back and smiling. "What do you think, Shizuru-Hime?"

"Devils don't work miracles," I said calmly. "They have people to do things for them."

"I'll accept that, and it's where I begin," Ikuru said. "It's a myth rooted in reality, the sequel to that which came before. It's also about the truth of humans in this world, and it's a story of many things. It began with twelve girls who were born with the brand of a star upon their flesh, and the light of the sun for their fire. They were born in many places, high and low, older and younger, and amongst their number was a girl of absolute quality. Beautiful, strong, intelligent, proud, with the blood of samurai and the will of modern times, you might call this girl closest in calibre to the absolute ideal of Maiko-Hime. And that girl was flawless at this point in time, a glittering diamond... or, perhaps, a warm and strong ruby, the colour of blood. Superficially flawless."

I closed my eyes, taking a breath. "But for all her superficial perfection, that girl was flawed deep within. It wasn't a crack that shined on the surface, but it ran through the whole gem. And that girl worked harder, and practised harder, and listened to everything her parents said, but nothing took away that flaw inside. That was the complacency of being so perfect, in a world that looked up at her, and the paradox of being knowing the perfect to the eyes of those who actually mattered. And caught between those two worlds, she was unmoving, had no desire to move, had no passions of her own. Reflecting the light cast into the gem, she was a mere vessel of expectations. That's all."

Ikuru smiled. "So you know this story, Shizuru-Hime. I'm impressed. You tell it even better than me."

"I've always loved stories," I said coolly.

"Then let's tell a story together, shall we? Shizuru-Hime." Ikuru smiled. "And so that girl drifted through life untouched by mere mortal desire, and so distant from it, until she met a certain person. Strong, cold, fierce, proud but vulnerable, it's only natural that such a person would draw the eyes even of a proud and detached girl. As days turned into weeks, the girl used all her wit and power to meet that person, and be by her side, and a seed was planted within her breast. Even so, it was a strange circumstance, for the fascinating one was neither man nor boy, but-"

A muffled crack echoed in all our ears, tearing through his words. And that sound lingered afterwards. My heart clenched tightly and painfully. Natsuki…

"Shit." Fox pulled out his gun and began to run for the door, Bear close on his heels.

"Wait!" Ikuru said loudly. "Don't go!"

"But-"

My eyes narrowed, and I exploded forwards, throwing my hands around Ikuru's midriff and reaching for the knife he kept in his belt.

His right elbow hit me hard in the forehead, stunning me momentarily. In that moment he broke free, spun, and kicked me in the stomach, throwing me bodily down. "Not quite," he muttered, giving me an unpleasant look. "Don't shoot her. And don't go either. If you react with instinct alone you'll fall into the enemy's hands. Remember that!"

It feels like that would be good advice to me, as well. I pushed myself up, breathing heavily and rubbing my stomach. He has one hell of a kick; I'll give him that much.

More shots sounded loudly. "But, sergeant, there's plainly real danger from this situation," Fox protested.

"There's only four of us here right now," Ikuru said. "If I send just one of you, it's meaninglessly sending you into an unknown situation. If I send more, then our situation here becomes very dangerous. We don't have time to procure more restraints and in any case we have ten minutes before the next development!"

"So, what are we going to do?"

Ikuru frowned, looking thoughtful for perhaps the first time. "Let's see. Natsuki-Hime is restrained, so most likely she's already dead. I'll conceive it's possible for her to overcome Umi, but there's no way she could defeat her and Crow both. In that situation, any delay might be Crow tending to Umi. In any case, we should be able to trust two of our comrades to beat one restrained girl."

I put a hand on my chest, fingers clutching at my shirt. There's no way Natsuki would die like that. Surely?

Something like a gun was pushed into the back of my head again. "Don't move," Wolf suggested quietly. "I'll kill you."

She's reckless, but she wouldn't endanger herself pointlessly. No. It can't be possible. There's no way she could be dead. I looked down at the floor, barely registering the threat. There was no way it could be true. It was a lie, after all.

"A restrained girl shouldn't be able to merit more than one shot," Fox said insistently. "There's no way this could be just her. An outside attack?"

"That can't be possible," Ikuru said shortly. "This is a controlled circumstance, we still have time before their next move."

"Fuck controlled circumstances! There's no such thing! Something's gone wrong, and you know it!"

"Umi." Wolf ignored me for now. "She may have done a stupid thing."

"Everyone just calm down. Don't forget we control this situation. This is an unsightly disgrace!" Ikuru glared between them, and both fell silent. "In our best case, this matter has already been resolved by Widow and Crow. In the worst case, both have been eliminated and Natsuki-Hime has escaped. Neither scenario has the slightest impact upon our mission, so if the worst comes to the worst we will take that as acceptable losses. Is that clearly understood?"

"Yes, sir," all three men said.

"Good." Ikuru turned away. "And if we have Shizuru-Hime, then Natsuki-Hime will surely come to us, regardless of the circumstances. There's nothing to worry about. I'll send two of you to investigate when our reinforcements to arrive, then we will have more than enough resources. In the meantime, an uncertain circumstance is all the more reason to remain here."

"Yes, sir," Fox repeated, apparently eager to make Ikuru forget his earlier doubts. "As you say."

"In the meantime, I will check the developing situation," Ikuru said, touching his earpiece again. Once again he turned and walked away.

In any case, Natsuki is strong. More than strong. Even if it's that kind of situation, she'd be able to manage, wouldn't she? Besides, she surely had some kind of plan. I think everyone thought that when she left, but they thought it would never become a relevant threat. That's because they're taking her lightly, and they still are. She's impatient, but she's also the master of these situations. There's no way she'd over-estimate herself and slip up. So even if everyone else thinks that she's been shot or is dead or anything like that, I should know better. I do know better. She's fine, and she's probably dealt with the enemy. This has to be true. I should certainly be able to believe in her.

If that's so, then why is my face so hot and my mind so blank? They're just words slipping through my mind without friction or touch, water running down a channel. They're not comforting me. Somehow, even those false and insincere thoughts are sweeping the last crumbs of my composure away in the current. And all I have to replace it is a monumental, crawling, abject fear. In the uncertainty of this situation, everything at risk is far too great for me to simply ignore the danger, or wish it away. I'm scared. So scared I might cry.

And this anger's redoubled in me, too. They've endangered everything precious to me and humiliated me in so many ways already, but this is different. If Natsuki's dead, if that's so, then I won't hold anything back. I will surely inflict as much pain on them as possible, even if my body is bent and broken to pieces. There's no reason to cling to life if she's gone.

Even if I've escaped from hell once, it was because she raised her hand and reached out for me. I know with certainty that there will not be any more second-chances.

"There's been a change in the situation." Ikuru turned back, and his tone cut through even my fugue. He was professional and cold, very much so. But the words as much as the tone informed what we all understood. "We have fifteen minutes to prepare for an assault, give or take. There are special circumstances I will explain shortly. Bear, Wolf, please investigate the matter of Natsuki-Hime, Umi and Crow, and bring any or all of them back here if you can. Fox, please remain here with me."

The men looked surprised, then nodded crisply. The bald man and the younger man set off, pulling their weapons smoothly and pushing open the door.

Fox waited until the others were gone before speaking. "What's wrong? Is it time to get serious?"

"I'd prepared for this eventuality, but it's sub-optimal, I'll concede," Ikuru replied. "We can still deal with this situation, but, as you say, it's time to get serious. Please pass me a pair of handcuffs, and then check the bonds of all the others."

Fox nodded, slipping a hand into his jacket. A moment later, he pulled up the cuffs and tossed them across to his sergeant. "Very well. We're counting on you, sergeant."

"Don't worry," Ikuru said, catching them one-handed. "This is only a minor setback, no more."

He walked towards me, carrying the handcuffs. "I'm sorry, Shizuru-Hime, but you understand the situation. We can continue our story at a later date."

There's only two of them, damnit. I glanced briefly at the others, before turning my gaze to Ikuru again. I'm not good at unarmed combat, I know that. But, if I can just hold him while the others move. We won't get a better chance than this, so-

"If you make a move Fox will kill everything within reach. Not even Mikoto-Hime can beat out a gun without weapons." Ikuru gave me a dark smile. "Don't do anything stupid. You'd surely die, just like Natsuki-Hime."

I snapped, turning violently and driving my fist towards his smug, evil face.

He caught it with his left hand, stepping back as he did so, and snapped the first ring over my wrist. "Easy there." He kept a grip on my wrist, looking into my eyes. "In this position I can break your lower arm in one motion and nigh-incapacitate you just by aggravating the wound. And that's setting aside the fact that I could disable you in a hundred other ways in any fight. Please recognise your own limits."

I glared at him, barely keeping my temper in check. He was right. If I could get that knife, everything would be different. But right now, I'd certainly lose to a grown, trained man. So I allowed my body to relax slightly, breathing fast to relieve my tension.

"Good girl." Ikuru walked around me, taking my arm with it. With his other hand he grabbed my left wrist, linking the two and closing the second ring. And my hands were firmly behind my back.

I gingerly tested the cuffs. There was barely any give, and I've never learned how to escape from them. It wasn't considered a necessary skill for an elegant Japanese girl.

Ikuru stood behind me, taking a lock of my hair and running it through his fingers. "You are certainly always yourself… this stubborn dignity is unmistakable."

I looked straight forwards, shoulders tense. "You have things to worry about. Please don't make yourself any more vulgar than you already are."

Ikuru chuckled at that, touching my hair closer to the roots and leaning in close to my right ear. "Let it be said that I'm a pragmatist at heart," he breathed softly. "I'll tell you this much for free. You are one very small person; caught in the net of two powers of the world… alone you can do nothing, because you know nothing. I know everything, so much so I am a player in my own right. Remember that difference between us if you ever find yourself in a more hopeful situation."

I gave the wall opposite me a stony look, barely checking my temper. "Is this an accommodation?" I asked softly, leaning backwards and pressing my body against his. I twisted my neck to look into his eyes, keeping them there. My hands wandered downwards, twisted awkwardly against my body. "In case we are rescued? You're suddenly very pessimistic."

"I'm simply reminding you of a simple fact. I accommodate every possibility." He glanced into my eyes. "Besides which there are always incentives that can be offered. Bear that in mind if your outcome is bad, as well."

"A woman's incentives?" I suggested darkly, feeling sick with myself. He's not wearing body-armour, but I almost wish he was.

My hands touched the hilt gingerly.

"What do you take me for?" Ikuru asked. "You shouldn't think that I look down at you, Shizuru-Hime."

"Somehow I'm not convinced," I said. My fingers closed around the hilt. A little more time. Force yourself. "But you should bear in mind that I'll do anything for the ones I love. That's my reality. Even if I have to abandon myself, body or life, I'll surely do it."

I slid the knife from its sheath and hurriedly pulled it upwards, managing to push the hilt past the cuffs and into my sleeve. Unfortunately, my fingers were clutching a naked blade, and began to drip.

"You're a dedicated girl." Ikuru touched my shoulders briefly, looking hard into my eyes, then pushed me away.

I stumbled, rapidly twisting to hide my back from sight. I glared into his eyes, hoping to keep his attention elsewhere. "Whatever you say."

This weapon's double-edged; there's nowhere to grasp. With effort, I managed to wrap my fingers and thumb around the flat of the blade, but blood was already running from deep cuts. I hurried towards the others, doing my best to avoid being spotted. And I don't know how long it will take before he thinks to look at his belt again, or reaches for his knife.

But I pulled this off. He's not perfect, but a mortal. A point I firmly intend to prove to him.

* * *

"What are you going to do now?" Umi asked.

"I'll save Shizuru," I replied unconvincingly. I closed my eyes briefly, breathing hard, then forced them open again. No. If I fall asleep now, it's all over for me. I can't know if I'll ever wake up.

"Like that? You're finished, you know. If you face one of the others like that, you'll just die."

"Shut up."

"It's a truth you also understand." Umi forced herself up, glancing at me. "But you need to move from here. If they come, you'll die."

"I know. I know that." I took another ragged breath. But it's so hard. I can't find the energy to move. In a moment, my mind says, moment after moment.

"I'll cover for you, and say you escaped with a lighter wound than that." She looked into my eyes. "I've said this before, but I don't have anything against you. It's Shizuru-Hime I intend to kill."

"Same difference." I glanced at her, trying to ignore my shoulder. "I'll stop you."

"So please go."

"Right." I took a breath. Say not the next moment, but right here and now. Shizuru. I have to reach Shizuru, and survive for her. I can't die slowly here. She'd surely come for me. So I forced my legs to move, struggling briefly before pushing myself awkwardly up the wall. My left hand, clutching the pistol, bumped awkwardly against the wall before I gained traction, standing on uncertain feet.

"But if I come before Shizuru-Hime again, I will surely kill her at that moment," Umi continued, eyes narrowing.

I pointed my pistol at her head. "Give me the gun."

She slid it across the floor. I clicked the safety on the one I was holding, and shoved it awkwardly into my belt with my left hand. A moment later, I stooped down and picked up the second weapon, keeping my right hand curled and unmoving by my side. After that, I turned and staggered away, grabbing the door and dragging it open. It was damn difficult to do even that.

"You should be a more hateful person," Umi murmured. "It would be better."

I snorted, and didn't dignify that with a reply. I don't exist for her convenience.

I set off down the corridor at a walk, shadows stalking my back. As soon as I felt I could manage it, I began to run, pain rippling across my body as my wound oozed blood and rising in intensity as it shook. But that couldn't be helped. I had to keep running. Nothing hurts like dying.

Once I was as far away as I felt I could manage, I fell against one of the doors, pushing it clumsily open and staggering in. It was some kind of small office, I don't know. I collapsed into the chair facing the door, leaning forwards and left to spare my wound. Damnit, I can't even lie back properly any more. I spent five seconds breathing heavily, blinking rapidly to clear the spots out of my sight. Yeah, that wasn't a good sign. Once I was done, I raised my left hand shakily and placed it on the desk. Hopefully I'd be able to pick it up if there was a crisis. I reached down, searching briefly through my left pocket, then winced as I remembered. In the right. So I ended up reaching awkwardly across my own body, forcing my hand down the tight jean pockets and grabbing the phone. I pulled it out and stared at it, having no idea whether it even worked any more. I could barely see in the half-dark, but the screen came up okay. I clumsily selected the right address, then clicked dial, raising it to my ear with some effort.

"_Yes. Who is this?"_

"Who do you think, idiot?" I breathed heavily.

"_Kuga!" _Yamada actually sounded pleased.

"I took two out and escaped," I narrated, stopping for a moment to clear my throat. "But they shot me in the right shoulder. Big bullet. My whole right arm is fucked. I don't know how long I can last. I got a gun. Everyone's alive, I think."

"_Fantastic work. Talk to me, where are you?"_

"Couple corridors up from the toilets. Some kinda office. I dunno." I closed my eyes briefly. "It's all blurry…"

"_Stay with me, Kuga. Don't give up now. Listen, we have people on the move. It's tight, but we can do this. You've done good, now we'll take care of the rest." _He paused briefly. _"Do you know that place where you were held before the trial? Can you get there from here?"_

"Probably," I said, trying to sound certain. I forced my eyes open, trying to concentrate. There was hope. I can't give up.

"_Go there. Someone will meet you. We don't have much time left. But, hang on a second. I'm passing the phone."_

"Huh?"

"_Is that you, Kuga?"_

I blinked, fixing on the voice. "Old man?"

"_Thank god," _Shinri said. _"Don't worry. We will get everyone out of there. No matter what. Just stay alive until then."_

"Since when did you know him," I murmured, before giving up on that train of thought. "Everyone's alive," I repeated. "Shizuru's alive. You saved Saaya's life with that money, too."

"_I'm glad. But I understand. I won't hold you back. Go now!"_

"I'll get your daughter back," I said, with more bravado than confidence. "Certainly." I switched off the phone, then stuck it in my left pocket.

After that, I forced myself to stand, and staggered towards the door. But even though my exhaustion was only deepening, I could bear it. A new wave of adrenaline had struck my body, forcing it onwards, along with a new sense of purpose. I had somewhere to go, and hope to bear. There was no way I could simply give up now. So I staggered through the darkened corridors, trying desperately to remember the way. I gave it my best decisive guesses. I probably didn't have the chance to be wrong even once. So when I saw a face peer cautiously round a corner, I ran towards it, though my heart leapt in fear. I was running out of time.

The figure leapt round the corner, raising their hands to stop me from shooting, and grabbed my left side, dragging me bodily into one of the side rooms and closing the door. They were wearing a hoodie and a facemask. Whatever else, then, they weren't one of the enemies. Unless this was the fabled Heron…

"I'm a friend," a muffled voice said. They stuck their hand into their pockets, reaching for something.

Maroon eyes glittered in the darkness.

My left hand shot up, shoving my pistol in their face. God, but it feels good to be the one actually doing that.

They raised their hands again hurriedly. "Calm down! Friend!" And they pulled down the hood, revealing long, dark-green hair. A moment later, she pulled her mask down. "It's me, okay, so don't shoot me dead."

I blinked. "Akira? What the fuck?"

"No time to explain," Akira shot back, reaching into the pocket of her hoodie and bringing out a roll of bandage. "It's complex, and I'm all that could act directly. But if you've taken two down, it should be okay."

"Please sound a little more confidant," I said tiredly.

"This is the best we can do, okay? We've got about six more minutes. We have to act before then." Akira started to wrap the bandage around my arm, pulling it tight. "Putting it briefly, think of the police as enemies as well. Just don't shoot at them."

I hissed with pain as my shoulder flared. "Whatever, I give up. This stopped making sense a long time ago."

"Bear with the pain," Akira instructed, tearing off a length of bandage with her teeth after finishing the knot. She started again from another angle. "But we do have a plan. You've made our lives so much easier, too."

"What are you gonna do?" I asked.

"Attack before they're ready, and shoot them all dead."

I snorted, wincing slightly. "Great plan…"

"We don't have much time, okay!" Akira said. "But don't worry. I can do it."

"We can do it," I corrected her.

"There's no way you can fight with this wound," Akira said firmly, tearing off another bandage. "You'd just get in my way."

"Don't take me lightly, brat. I can still fight."

"The hell you can."

We glared into each other's eyes for a few moments, at an impasse. Then I spoke again. "If it was Takumi, you'd come. Even if you were missing an arm or a leg."

Akira stared at me for a few moments, then nodded. "Fine. But I won't have the time to look out for you."

"Just how I like it."

Akira finished bandaging my wound. Well, it wasn't so much a bandage. She'd simply covered up the wound and pulled the pieces together by the tightness of me. Blood was already soaking the cloth. She nodded and stepped back, unzipping her hoodie and revealing a suit underneath. And she pulled a full-length katana from her belt, offering it to me.

"What's that?" I demanded. "What era do you think it is?"

"It's Shizuru-dono's," Akira hissed back. "If she really can still move around, throw her this. I have Mikoto's as well."

"Fuck knows how you carry this stuff," I said, taking it. I slung it over my left shoulder, glad for the cord wrapped around the sheath. After that, I picked up my pistol. "When are we going?"

Akira frowned for a moment. "We ready?" she asked. A moment later, she nodded, tapping her headpiece meaningfully and glancing at me. "We're going now." She pulled a pistol from her belt, checking the slide.

I nodded, turning to face the door. "By the way, thanks for coming."

"It's natural," Akira said coolly. "Takumi wouldn't bear it if Mai-san died."

I sighed. "So that's the situation, is it? Wonderful."

"Hey, don't blame me. Are you any different, anyway?"

"Who cares? We're doing this." I hurried after her, trying to keep pace. Damnit, but she's fast, and quiet too. Ninja my ass. "Since when did you guys use guns, anyway?"

"What do you think we are, stupid?" Akira glared at me.

I snorted, and then we stopped talking. For both of us, we had to focus. And I'm sure we both had our fears as well. But I'll confess being able to talk to someone like that helped a lot.

I could still stand. So I'm coming for Shizuru. These two things naturally follow from each other, too. More than anything else, that's what allows me to walk on. Because I have understanding that I gained in the Carnival. The most important thing is her, so even if I have to risk my life and put everything on the line, I won't even hesitate. That's the meaning of my life. But this time is different. This time we aren't fighting each other because we misunderstand each other's feelings. Our heart and our intentions are the same, and we're fighting for each other. For our life with each other. That's why I'm strong right now.

If I could summon Duran he'd surely be invincible. But I don't need Duran. I can do this with my own power, this time around.


	68. Chapter 68

**Windows of the Soul: Part Sixty-Eight**

I crouched, keeping hold of the knife, as much a talisman as a weapon. I hadn't been gagged, but I wasn't going to point that out to anyone. You kept hold of everything you could. And I watched the two men carefully, and didn't move my head even as I sensed Reito sliding closer. I don't know what he intends, or if he has such a thing at all, but I won't make such a foolish mistake.

They re-entered, Bear carrying a badly wounded Umi. Wolf followed behind, and there was no sign of Natsuki.

"What's the situation?" Ikuru asked. "Crow is?"

"Crow's dead," Bear said shortly. "She says Natsuki-Hime killed her."

"That's a tragic development," Ikuru said. "We'll have to tolerate it, though. And Natsuki-Hime? Was she killed?"

"No. She escaped." Umi shook her head slightly, her breath heavy. "Crow it shot her, but it was a peripheral wound."

So Natsuki's alive. And something knotted and completely tense inside my breast loosened, leaving me able to breathe again.

That's good. Knowing that, I can fight with a clear mind and no regrets.

"How the hell did she get a gun in the first place?" Fox shouted coldly. "This was your idea to begin with, and look what happened! Crow died because of you!"

Umi's eyes widened in something approaching shock. "No, I was-"

"You're too hopeless," Fox continued, lowering his voice. "Out of all of us, you're the incompetent one, and yet, even so… but this situation is unforgivable."

"That's enough," Ikuru said coldly. "What is, is. There's no longer any meaning in fighting amongst ourselves. We can settle this once the situation is secure."

"I understand that, and I understand that we're in a difficult position now," Fox said tightly. "That's precisely why she should be put in her place here and now. There's no way I can ignore the stupidity of serving under her any longer."

Reito stopped behind me, and began to move, changing to a squatting position. I carried on ignoring him. Maybe, just maybe, he has some kind of plan. If that's the case I can't afford to give him away.

"When we went into this mission with the understanding that the original chain of command would be preserved," Ikuru said stonily. "I don't intend to deviate from that agreement at this stage."

"But that's just ridiculous! You have to agree, don't you?" Fox said. "This time she's gone way too far…"

"I'll determine her mistakes, and the extent of her blame, at a later date. In the meantime, I gave her permission, so I'll be taking full responsibility." Ikuru folded his arms. "In this situation, if you're challenging her right to lead you, please apply the same standards to me."

I frowned at the sight, trying to ignore the persistent and increasingly _loud _sounds coming from behind me. If he was caught, we'd seriously be finished. They'd execute someone for sure, with no reprieve.

Fox frowned. "I… see."

"So there's no objections?" Ikuru asked coolly.

"I object," Umi said quietly. "He's right. Everything is my fault. I'm not qualified to lead."

"That's rejected," Ikuru said shortly. "Take responsibility."

She blinked. "But why?"

"Now and always, you're my trusted subordinate," Ikuru said. "That's all. I don't intend to discuss this matter any further."

For a moment, she looked like she was at a genuine loss. Then she nodded. "If you say so…"

"I do say so." Everyone's attention was focused on him, which was fortunate in the extreme. "Putting that aside, we need to talk swiftly and frankly about the situation. My plans have suffered a setback. I've lost contact with those I was counting on as allies, and I am assuming the worst." Ikuru folded his arms. "Though for all that, I am still operating within the parameters of my plan. In this situation I'll disclose some specifics to prepare you all for what we have to do."

"Whatever you say, sir," Fox said quietly.

Ikuru nodded slightly. "First, Heron is still in position. We haven't lost that advantage. Secondly, SAT is en route and will soon move directly against us. However, this isn't a problem. On the contrary, they are allies." Ikuru paused for a moment, letting that sink in. "SAT will certainly attack, and we will resist with all our power. But we will shoot for their chests, not their heads, and inflict no casualties. In turn, they will be firing blanks. This will be no battle. It will be a mock battle, and we will quickly surrender. But we will benefit, not lose, from this situation. I have already arranged everything with the highest authorities."

"How could this be possible?" Umi asked, continuing to lean on Bear. "I know you're part of SAT, but-"

"This has nothing to do with SAT. I'm simply trading on the value of my knowledge, and the value of the Hime." Ikuru shrugged slightly. "That's all that needs to be said on the subject of my support."

Reito fell back, gasping for breath. Then he tapped me on the shoulder.

"Can we really be sure of this?" Fox demanded. "What if they betray us? To the government now we're a liability that knows too much…"

I blinked, realising what that actually meant. My head snapped round.

"I wouldn't begin this operation if I didn't have failsafes," Ikuru said. "The government is undertaking a special project, and I've obtained a copy of valuable data. Now they need that copy, but I didn't barter it then and there. I've staked my knowledge on this project. Our reunion."

Reito tilted his head slightly at me. His hands, still handcuffed, were at his side, bloodied and bruised by whatever he'd been doing. They slipped upwards, reaching into his jacket.

"That's fine, but speaking bluntly, we're not so prepared," Umi said. "They might kill us. And you'd live with that, wouldn't you, Nishiki?"

I looked away again. A moment later, Reito started to work on the edge of my handcuffs with some long object.

"Don't worry. I've worked this out, as well. My involvement is condition upon all your safety. Besides that, you all have a innate value. Our knowledge and skills are practically unique in this world, so we're perfectly prepared for this new endeavour. Don't take your own life lightly, Umi." Ikuru looked between them all. "This wasn't a one-time mission, either. They need us, specifically. Our power, and our knowledge of the Hime."

Something clicked subtly. Reito let go of my right hand, and turned his attention to the left.

"So this is altruism?" Umi said cynically. "That's going a little far, even for you to claim."

"Not altruism. But I've had reason enough to despise what became of us all. SAT needed me, but they're one and all naïve fools. As for the rest of you, I could despair. Divided and shorn of power, scattered by the wind of the echo of Shizuru-Hime's will… it was unsightly in the extreme. So." Ikuru's hands dropped to his side and he looked between them. "I'm returning our strength and will. If we can go through with this situation successfully, we'll regain our proper place in this world. And if you can fight for that ideal, we'll stand together. If you've lost the will to fight, leave now, and do whatever you will."

"Always and forever, you're making everything complicated," Fox said, sighing. "Well, I'll accept all of that. We've already come this far believing in you, Sergeant. We might as well go all the way."

"I agree. There's no meaning or future in turning back now," Bear said.

"Me too," Wolf said quietly.

Reito pulled away slightly. When I turned my head to regard him again, he was holding a slightly battered looking comb. And when I tried to move my hands, I realised the handcuffs were open. I lay the knife flat, fingers glad of the chance to rest for now.

Ikuru nodded. "And you, Umi? What do you say?"

"I… understand. I'll continue to follow you." She turned to regard me, which made me start guiltily. I turned the motion into a convincing glare, half and half-fearful. "But do we have to keep that girl alive?"

"All the Hime are valuable, and will be a tribute to our new employees," Ikuru said. "So, yes. Even Shizuru-Hime. That will probably be a fate more unkind than death, though…"

"That was what I was afraid of, though," Umi said quietly.

"And the spare ones?" Wolf asked. "Would it be best if we killed them?"

My fingers reached out, touching the hilt of the knife. Reito had already moved away from me.

"Letting them live is fine for now," Ikuru said dismissively. "They are useful camouflage. More importantly, we need to prepare. Very soon, SAT will be here. Until that moment, we are now under the risk of attack from organised resistance." He frowned. "Heron says a group she suspects is our enemies are moving in from the outside. Prepare for battle, then. Hold until SAT arrive. We will gain everything here."

I don't know what kind of dirty trick Reito used, but I don't have any objection to this chance. More importantly than that, though, we have other problems. Ikuru and SAT. Ikuru and the government. Ikuru and the First District. I wish I could find it in me to be horrified by this revelation, but it's pale, too ordinary, too easy to conceive in the world I live in. The government never did anything. Not when Searrs came, not during the Carnival, and their ties to the First District were hard to miss, when you did more than even a little research, in the right way. And if you look at things from this light, they begin to fall into place. Ikuru who managed to drag us to this court so firmly and so early, with such confidence in his authority. The bogus assault. His confidence in the timetable. And now his apparent collaboration with SAT. Most likely, all of this has been pre-arranged. This is his controlled circumstance, in which his enemy is actually an ally and everything is staged, played out for the convenience of a watching world. What's the meaning in that? I don't know. But it's not hard to see the common factor, to say the least. Someone powerful, a powerful group, fraction, the army, the government itself, whoever, someone is interested in us Hime. And Ikuru's crafted a bizarre scenario where we can be handed to them in the name of a rescue. I'm sure it looks good for the cameras.

Did Ikuru plan this, I wonder, and submit it as a report to his superiors? Was it a joint effort? Did a group of men set around a table in an office somewhere and try to plan out every eventuality? And those policemen sent in to the slaughter, were they written into the report, a token sacrifice, something done for the purposes of public opinion? I don't know. But the thought irritates me on a level more intellectual and apart from this mere kidnapping. It's truly the same as Nagi, the same as before. Using people as tools is something I am guilty of. So it's something I understand. But precisely because of that I have an insight into the distance between him and me. I never outright hurt those I used, not until the Carnival, at least. And I never sacrificed their lives without staking my own, and something more precious than my own life. And he stands here calmly, talking as if he's a hero who genuinely cares about his comrades. One of them has already died. Even so he's made this situation to take many lives, my life, Natsuki's life, when he's standing aloof. That detached viewpoint can't be forgiven, and I'm glad.

I can truly despise him, so I've got no need to hold back at all.

The blonde, Bald, returned quickly. "Okay, it looks like we're wrapping up," he said casually. "I heard everything. Well, I'm glad. My throat hurts from all the talking, you know."

"Thank you for your hard work," Ikuru said. "Bear, please put Widow down in a safe place. After that, we'll simply wait prepared. Give me a moment, I need to handle some last minute discussion…"

"Do we have a spare gun?" Umi asked. "Mine was taken. I still have two good arms, so I can shoot."

"We have spares, but we won't give you any," Ikuru said shortly. "You're badly wounded. There's no need for you to force yourself to fight."

"But this is a dangerous situation, isn't it? I'm not so weak that I can't do anything just because of this…"

"There's no need." Ikuru glanced at her. "Besides that, you better suit being unstained. So I won't let you kill Shizuru-Hime. Nor will I let you die."

"Nishiki!" Umi protested as she was pushed down against a far wall.

"Get ready!" Ikuru said sharply. "We don't have much time left!"

They crouched in cover with their pistols, as they'd done before. Ikuru was the furthest back, and so the closest to us. That was very convenient. I was very tempted to try my luck then and there, but that would be too reckless. I just had to wait a little longer. If and when this assault came, then I could make a move.

"How many enemies?" Fox asked briefly.

"Heron estimates ten, moving in from several directions," Ikuru said. "The police line was assaulted earlier, too, but that attack was repelled. She can fire, and though the sharpshooters won't help her, they won't fire back sincerely either. So we can write a few of those ten off before they arrive here."

"Weapons?"

"They can't be carrying anything larger than sidearms. They're dressed in suits, perhaps with body armour."

"Then it's doable," Fox said. "Who do they think we are?"

"She's firing." Ikuru tensed. "One target down. They're moving. A miss. They've reached the police line. Two down. Pushing through. Sharpshooters false firing. Three down. They've reached the stairs. Four down. Out of sight. Now she's going to relocate. Fantastic work."

"Shit. She gets the best jobs," Bald complained.

"Twenty seconds," Ikuru said, raising his pistol in both hands and pointing it towards the door.

I grabbed the knife with my right hand, holding it purposefully. My breath caught in my throat, and I forced myself to swallow. Relax. Remember. There's no reason to be anything but as serene as the blade you are holding.

The doors were slammed open again, and two figures threw grenades of some kind. A shot echoed as Ikuru fired, one dropping the sphere before it could be thrown. The rest of his men opened fire, Bald throwing himself forwards and tossing the second grenade back. It exploded just before the doorway, a cloud of thick smoke going up.

I tensed, focusing on Ikuru. I'd attack the moment he'd fired six shots.

Then one of the doors opposite was pushed open, and two more people opened fire.

"Shizuru!"

My head snapped round. I caught a flourish of blue hair.

"Here!"

Natsuki threw a katana through the air towards me. It spun, beginning to slide out of the sheath, and I rose and caught it by the hilt. My left hand, stuff holding the knife, pulled the sheath off. And my eyes narrowed. Now.

* * *

My shoulder throbbed violently as I ran through the corridor, Shizuru's katana bouncing against my back. They were supposed to be worn at the belt, right? Well, obi. But there was no time for that now.

"If you have to go, just try for some suppression fire. You can't shoot well like that." Akira kept up with me, carrying an even longer sword in her right hand. "Throw the sword. At least, a distraction. We're hitting them from two sides."

I sped up as the door to the courtroom loomed ahead. "Fine."

The first gunshots went out, loud and clear. My pulse raced crazily, and breath shook. Even for me, this was probably going too far. But the adrenaline drowned my doubts. I'd go through hell later, but for now, I could do it. Definitely. My grip tightened around the pistol.

"Go!" Akira ran forwards, leg lashing up and kicking the door violently open. She shot at one of them with her left hand, almost without looking. Her right hand stretched out, spinning the long sword slightly, then threw it headlong through the air. It spun perfectly towards Mikoto.

I fired as well, aiming for where Ikuru's dark hair lurked. I missed, and he ducked instinctively. "Shizuru!" I shouted, my gaze searching the room for her chestnut hair. I let her katana slide down my left arm, reaching out and catching it with my right.

Mikoto's sword crashed down in front of her. Her brother slid back as she exploded from her restraints.

There she was. With the others.

"Here!" I pulled my right arm back, ignoring the pain, and threw it towards her with all my might.

"Me and Fox will!" Ikuru shouted, his bark cutting through the chaotic noise of the battle. He turned bodily.

I staggered sideways, blood welling from a newly opened wound and flashing lights playing again in my sight. Shit. I'm not sure that was a good idea.

Shizuru stood, catching her sword before it overshot her. As it was, it slammed into her outstretched palm as if it naturally belonged there.

Mikoto screamed in blood-curdling fury as she pulled her weapon from its sheath, cold metal flashing in the light.

Ikuru and Akira shot at the same time. She yelped next to me, pulling back. I caught a flash of red on her hand, but didn't have time to make sense of it. I remembered myself and brought my pistol up, trying to steady it with my right hand. I couldn't reach, so I fired one-handed then stepped back into the cover of the door, wrist going numb from the recoil. My fingers ached. I didn't know how long I could even hold my weapon. A moment later, we both surged into firing positions again. It didn't matter; we had to do it.

Mikoto raked her sword across the ground in a circle, then exploded forwards and leapt bodily upwards.

Something clattered, and somehow that noise cut through all the chaos for me. The abandoned leather bounced once then fell still.

Shizuru's katana caught the light as she raised it, and then she moved.

* * *

Do you know who I am?

Bound in perfect clarity, I stepped forwards. And the shouting, the gunfire, the touch of my clothes against my skin, it was equally irrelevant. Those aren't necessary things.

The corner of my eye caught a flicker, and I shifted to follow it. The grey haired one brought his hands around, but I moved faster, my left hand flicking sharply sideways. The knife spun towards him, and he flinched back instinctively.

A mistake.

I spun and cut down, my sword sliding into his arm and stopping at the bone. My left hand touched the back of the hilt and I slammed it surgically forwards, driving it through his chest.

I switched to a two-handed grip, jerking my sword free in a single smooth motion. Blood dripped from the edge of the cold metal as I turned away, bringing my sword to guard in front of me. He wasn't the one, after all.

Without any more hesitation, I ran straight towards that man, only a few short meters away. Something cracked behind me but I didn't feel a thing, so it wasn't important. In front of my eyes, he spotted me, and turned. There was a moment's hesitation as his eyes moved upwards, bringing his pistol round. I'm sure he saw my eyes in that time, so he fired the next moment.

I'd already accepted that, jerking sideways and lowering my centre of gravity. The shot slashed past my ear, and I kicked forwards, shifting my feet. He jerked back again, and I could see his finger tightening against the trigger as a discrete moment. I kicked sideways again, and his shot slid past again. Of course. There isn't any way he could hit me in this moment.

I remember their eyes amidst the flames, and he is just as afraid as them.

He fired again, as unyielding as hope. This time there was no more than a meter between us, but he'd fired too high. I'd known he would fire too high, so I dropped downwards. Our eyes met again as he scrambled up, trying desperately to step back.

Yes. This distance has not changed since that day you were not there.

And that had been five. I'd end it after his next shot.

His left hand slid down towards his belt and clutched on air. His finger tightened on the trigger, and I shifted sideways, sword rolling in my hands as I brought it in front of my body.

He hadn't fired.

Then I was within reach. My sword slashed up towards his chest.

He fired.

* * *

I fired again, and missed again. The gun jerked violently in my hand, and I barely managed to keep hold of it.

Mikoto crashed down, a force. I couldn't see where she'd landed, but when she ripped the blade upwards something flecked from it and rained.

And Shizuru pressed forwards through the hell around her. I saw the grey-haired one turn to face her and I tried to aim, but Shizuru beat me to it, her sword moving swiftly and savagely. It was over in barely more than a second.

Akira shot at Ikuru, and he dropped down. Had he been hit? I had no idea. This was different from the fight before, so distant and so incomprehensible. I didn't know whether I was achieving anything at all.

Mikoto's sword slid downwards again. I didn't have time to watch. A battered Fox raised his pistol one-handed, pointing it towards Shizuru's back. My hand snapped round, fear flashing through my heart. He fired.

She didn't falter. I fired in the next moment. Akira, by my side, had done the same. His pistol clattered down and he fell back without a sound.

I swore, my own weapon jumping from my hand and skidding away after it hit the floor. For a moment, I saw nothing but myself, pain flaring up my left hand and a wave of heat lashing out from my left shoulder. I dropped to my knees, my left hand compulsively clutching my shirt. Shit.

Akira grabbed my collar and jerked me bodily back into cover. "Are you alright?" she shouted. Blood dripped freely from a deep gash in her arm, ruining her suit.

More gunshots echoed in my head, a dizzying drumbeat melody. I could barely see, and forced my lips open. "Fight, idiot!"

I think she nodded, I couldn't really see. I blinked rapidly and forced myself to rise, nothing but chemistry and will stopping my body from folding completely. My left hand closed around my second pistol, aching and raw fingers protesting savagely. I jerked my fingers shut, dragging the pistol out. Another of Akira's gunshots shook me as I slid round the door and raised my tired hand, searching for a target.

My eyes tried to embrace the insanity within my sight, and settled on just one thing. Brown hair, black suit, silver sword. That's all I saw, or else I all remember of that moment.

And he was stepping back, his pistol raised in one hand as if it was a charm to ward her off. I raised my pistol, trying to shoot him, but I couldn't lift my screaming arm far enough.

Akira shot, then ducked back, spent magazine sliding from the base of her gun.

He still stood. The gunshot echoed in my ears, shaking my head. It spilt dry tears.

* * *

My sword shattered. The top length arced away, spinning through the air.

I cut his chest with the broken stump, a fragment breaking from the remains as it sliced up his body. A moment later I stabbed him with it, flesh heaving around the blade, and blood welling up. I pierced his heart.

Oh how I hate you. Let me count the ways.

A fist of pain slammed into my gut and twisted, ripping through me. My gaze flickered, trembling from the impact even as I staggered. I caught myself before I fell, eyes meeting with his.

He wasn't afraid any more. He looked vaguely amused, even as his pistol dropped from his fingers and his arms fell to his side.

I hate those eyes.

The top of my sword rang like a bell.

I ripped my sword upwards, but there was more resistance. I tore it free of his knotted flesh, ignoring the pain flourishing up my arms. I took his voice before he could say a word, so I could only watch his eyes as he fell back, blood spraying from the throat I'd ripped open the world.

It had something I despised, a vulgar acceptance that I'd seen only a few times. I hate the peace of it, the casual serenity. No one has the right to look that way when they die.

He raised his hand but I turned away with a purpose, broken sword dropping to my waist. But there was nothing to see; it was already ending in brutal and cruel silence.

I remembered. And when I turned, my body was heavy, so I didn't run. Pain wracked me so I looked down, blinking in surprise. I was bleeding. My stomach was a mess of torn cloth, red blood, silver teeth glittering, and the ugly glistening of exposed flesh. That shouldn't have been possible. At least, it shouldn't hurt this much.

I looked up, feeling sick, unable to be sick, coughing violently and stopping as I strove not to tear myself apart. My left hand touched the wound then leapt away as the pain flared.

"Shizuru!"

Somehow I knew that voice was a limit. Somehow I made my body move, exploding forwards with my right hand raised. And that woman finally stopped staring at me in dumb, empty fear and was electrified, struggling to stand, falling with a crunch, and trying to crawl sideways. It was too amusing.

My sword slammed into the wall above her head, then I leaned down, grabbing her hair and pulling her up. She was heavy but a manic strength was in me. Yes. She was tall. So tall that her legs were still curved back when our eyes met and she stopped fighting, face blank from fear.

Everything is your fault.

I wanted to tell her that, but my voice wouldn't work. I could still convey that message, though. My hand slid back.

"Stop it, Shizuru!" And something slammed bodily into me, a warm arm wrapping round my shoulders.

I stabbed forwards as a breath hit my ear, and my body reacted instinctively. I pulled that woman's head sideways, sword slicing through her cheek before slamming into the wall and quivering, impaled there. Then I let go and she fell, eyes wide in unmoving terror.

I looked down at her through a haze. Yes. That's good. You should keep those eyes.

No one should go into the next world as if they'd lost their chains, as I'd done once before.

Another hand touched my shoulder loosely, then tightened there. "That's enough, Shizuru," Natsuki whispered softly.

My hand fell away from the hilt and I staggered, body failing me. Thick with fear and without struggle, I sank heavily into that nest of sleep, though she called me with her voice, and begged me with her eyes.

* * *

She fell into my arms, and I couldn't hold her. My shoulder twisted as I struggled. A moment later, I fell to my knees, supporting her body as it slid against me. With effort, I pushed her sideways, laying her across my lap. Her legs slid at an unnatural angle, and I hastily pushed them out across the floor, staring urgently into her eyes. "Shizuru! Pull yourself together, Shizuru!"

Her breathtakingly sad eyes met mine for a few moments, her hand twitching slightly. Then her eyes closed and her head fell back.

My gaze slid downwards, staring at the incomprehensible morass of tears, metal and blood. Horror magnified that sight in my eyes, paralysing me completely in fear. No way. There was no way I could accept this.

The vision wavered; mocking me as yet more of my life pulsed from my body, with the throb of my heart. I wouldn't be able to hold her and look at her for very long, either. In that time, tears welled up in my eyes, and slid down my cheeks.

This is meaningless, in a meaningless world.

Umi was looking at me. I know that. I could feel that. I considered looking up at her face, as if to say 'so receive what you wished for' with a bitter irony. But, I couldn't really care. I just stared at Shizuru's face again, touching it briefly with my fingers. It was still warm. She still breathed. She was still alive for now.

The world behind me slid once more into chaos, but I didn't look around. Boots crashed through the room, Reito shouted something, orders were barked, people moved with a purpose. I smiled slightly. They're pretty energetic, aren't they, Shizuru? I ran my fingers through her hair.

We'll meet again. I don't know whether it will be in this world or the next, though. Just wait for me, Shizuru. Surely.


	69. Chapter 69

**Windows of the Soul: Part Sixty-Nine**

As some know, I'm now well into the exam season. Because of that, I'm going to stop my regular two-day update schedual for now. I apologise for that in advance. Hopefully, it should be possible to continue updates at a slower pace. However, I won't be in the clear for quite some time. I assure you that the moment I'm done with my exams, I'll carry on full-speed.

Come to that, Natsuki needs to study too. Ah, plot threads that lay forgotten...

* * *

I became tentatively aware of myself, but the thread slipped from my fingers and was lost again. But I remembered that moment when another came, and so on, and each moment was a point of light, punctuation amidst the hazy darkness. From those moments I was able to take hold of some fragments and call themselves, and they were something I could cling to whenever my mind came to life. For the longest time, those fragments of awareness were the only things that glittered in my detached world. I was aware of an enormous weight, heaviness, inertia, and nothing more. Again and again, it dragged me down, over an apparently unending length of time. It was far easier to sleep. But, by turns, after that succession of moments, it was sleep. Sleep without context or place, but better than the alternative. It wasn't death, my fragments of memory drew me away from that. As it was, that was one of the first images that came to me in my lucidity. I remembered it, though I forgot so many other echoes of that time.

Forming even a single thought was a conscious effort even in my lucid moments. I rarely did so. Even to become aware of my body was difficult, and when I did, I could barely perceive my head, my shoulders, my arms… the rest was unfeeling. What I did have was a succession of images. Dreams, perhaps, and like all dreams they're lost to me, and I was barely aware of them even at the time. They were thick with pain and fear and all my worries, and my pain and her pain and death and my many faces ran through them, and he was there, dark eyes and cold regard. She was there, my brave, red blood, a red weapon, all tangled, and myself and there was an aspiration in that. I reached for myself amidst the flames. There was a fear in that, and a yearning for peaceful days. And I was between and amidst it all, caught, cut, and hung by many threads. Those were my dreams, of myself who could not move.

But mostly, though, I simply slept unaware, or if I had awareness, those dreams are lost to me. I suspect even those fragments, so called, were a tiny fraction of the whole spent in serene oblivion. Eventually, I began to feel and think a little more, and my awareness widened to embrace more. I was tired to the bone of every limb. My own soft breath. My sweat-laden brow, and the heat and sweat of my whole body. The damp sensation of sheets sticking to me. An overwhelming feeling of exhaustion, and of sickness, a dry and dull misery that wouldn't make me throw up. It simply pervaded. My legs were heavy and distant, my arms limp, but my centre of gravity was my lower body, wrapped in agony so encompassing I barely felt it, like the ticking of a clock in an empty and soundless room. There were comings and goings, I began to sense, and a presence, people around me. Noises. A regular, clacking sound, soft voices very distant, a door that slid open and shut.

Once, I managed to open my eyes. A white ceiling.

But I fell asleep again before long.

The next time, though, I remembered, and managed to tilt my head sideways. Thick curtains blocked the windows, and the lights were on. Two people sat in the corner, sitting in front of something. White hair.

Okasama. I tried to say that out loud, but all I managed was a raw croak. My throat was thick and dry.

All the same, her head turned, glancing at me. I think her eyes were wide. She sounded surprised. "Saaya, is that…"

"Shizuru," Saaya said, choking back an exclamation. "She's awake."

"Good morning," I murmured heavily, the words almost completely incoherent. I tried to raise my head, but I didn't have the energy.

"I'm glad," Okasama said tightly, walking towards me and kneeling down. I could barely perceive her pinkish eyes. "Saaya, bring the others."

"Of course."

I breathed deeply, shifting my hand slightly, trying to reach Okasama's face. But my arm was too heavy. "Sorry…"

"There's nothing to apologise for."

I shut my eyes, hoping to rest a little. But before I knew it, I'd fallen asleep again.

There was a third time, and a fourth time, and a sixth time, and maybe more. I'm not sure exactly. But I do know that they started to come closer together, and through I didn't say anything any more I started to stitch together the snatches of light. And I slowly gathered myself, keeping my strength inside. I would wake properly. And the next time, I was awake for a full thirty seconds before daring to turn my head. When I opened my eyes, I caught a flourish of blue, and emerald eyes.

Natsuki didn't say anything for a moment, just staring at me. A moment later, she touched my forehead gently, smiling with relief.

I coughed slightly. "Water," I murmured.

"Okay." Natsuki turned away. "She's awake again! Do we have any water?"

"I'll get it," Saaya said hurriedly, looking around. "That's fine, right?"

"A little should be fine," a nurse said reassuringly.

"Thank god," Natsuki murmured. "Idiot. You had me worried."

I took in her massively bandaged shoulder, and her right arm in a sling. "You, too."

"I'm fine," Natsuki said. "Don't worry about me right now."

I looked around. I was in a hospital bed, surely enough. Several tubes dropped down, piercing my skin, which was on the creepy side. I decided against trying to touch my stomach. "How's that injury?" I asked, glancing at her.

"It's okay," Natsuki said reassuringly. "It still hurts, but it's been treated. Though it'll take a long time to heal."

"And mine?"

"You've had major surgery already," Okasama said. "The bullet and the fragments of your katana have been removed. Your condition has stabilised, but it will takes weeks for you to recover." She knelt next to Natsuki, glancing down at me. "You shouldn't worry about these things, though. Just rest."

I nodded slightly. Saaya tapped Okasama on the shoulder, taking her place and gently holding a glass of water to my lips. I managed to sip a little.

"It would be unwise to worry the patient any further," the nurse said.

"She's my daughter. I'm sure she has many questions."

"Is everyone okay?"

"No one died," Okasama said. "Mikoto-chan was also injured, but she'll also recover. She's already made great progress."

I nodded slightly. "What day is it?"

"Thursday."

I closed my eyes. "I see."

"Shinri is dealing with various things," Okasama said. "He'll be here in the evening."

The tiredness was rising in me again, but I decided to fight it. "Where is this?"

"Kyoto University Hospital. You're under police guard, but Otousama arranged for a private solution as well. You're perfectly safe here."

I nodded again. "Thank you."

"Not at all. This is the meaning of our family."

I blinked heavily, trying to remember. "Those men… what happened to them?"

"There was one survivor. The woman." Okasama pulled a strand of hair out of my face with delicate fingers. "You don't need to worry about that right now, though."

We'd been very thorough, haven't we?

But this recalls another things as well. "Sorry," I repeated softly. "You were involved in something terrible."

"There's nothing to apologise for. They were the ones who did it. In any case, we're alive."

I looked up at the ceiling again and said nothing. Guilt weighed very heavily on me, but I couldn't find the words. For Saaya, too. My only hope was that it would keep until I was feeling better.

"You were courageous, Shizuru. We're all very proud of you."

I didn't say anything, and Otousama stood after a few seconds. "We'll leave you with Natsuki for a while. Call if you need anything."

I nodded. "Thank you."

"You too," Saaya said to the nurse, before she could protest. "It will only take a minute."

I closed my eyes, breathing heavily. I had to stay awake. I'd been asleep for far too long.

"Do you want to sleep again?" Natsuki asked worriedly, after they've left. "This must be tough for you at short notice."

I shook my head slightly, forcing my eyes open. "No. Are you really okay?"

"I'm fine," Natsuki repeated stubbornly. "I'll be okay. Though apparently I'll lose a lot of functionality in my right arm… but we're alive, right? That's all that matters. We're alive."

I gave her a sorrowful look. "I'm sorry. That's terrible."

"It's nothing. Being alive is fine. Besides, you really shouldn't be worrying about anyone but yourself."

I smiled thinly. "Another complication?"

"You'll be fine," Natsuki said. "It's just going to take a long time to heal."

"I feel terrible," I confessed.

"Me too. Speaking strictly, I shouldn't be here…"

"Then you should go back," I said, trying to sound firm. "It's bad of you, Natsuki." But it was hard to find any conviction for those words when I wanted her to stay.

Natsuki smiled, touching my cheek gently. "I'm stubborn, remember?"

I smiled slightly, closing my eyes. For a few moments, I relished the silence, before asking something I had to ask. "How much do they know?"

"Your parents?"

I nodded.

"I don't know," Natsuki said cautiously. "I was bed-ridden until a day ago, and even now I don't move around much. So I'm not sure. But, probably quite a lot…"

"Is that so?" I asked, unsurprised. Well, my parents aren't stupid. And we can't afford to have secrets now. I'm not allowed to have secrets any more.

"Don't worry about that now, either," Natsuki said firmly. "They're taking care of all of us. You know them, right? Even if it's the old man, he'll wait until you're ready."

"Even so, I owe him that explanation now," I said, gripping the cover with my left hand. "That won't change." I closed my eyes briefly. "In any case, I'm sorry. Tell the others too. But, also for you…"

"There you go again," Natsuki said. "They say the moment you woke, you were apologising. You really haven't changed at all, you know."

I smiled. "I know. I'm sorry. But even so."

Natsuki found my right hand, and squeezed it slightly with her left. "It's no one's fault. I had information, too, to suggest there was a danger, but I didn't do anything until it was too late. I thought it would turn out somehow. That kind of stupid logic-" she stopped abruptly. "It was just bad luck. It wasn't personal, though. It wasn't just because of you."

"I gave them the chance."

"If it wasn't for that chance, there would have been another chance," Natsuki said. "We're that valuable. Don't be too arrogant, okay? It wasn't to do with you."

"Value, is it?" I stared up at the ceiling. "We're tragic people."

Natsuki ran her thumb over my palm. "We are. But we do have friends. We made it through okay, and plenty of people are fighting hard on our behalf. Shinri too. We'll be okay now."

"I hope so," I said. "And personally, I'm also sorry. Once again, I became… like that…"

"You weren't wrong to do that. I wasn't wrong, either." Natsuki sounded like she was talking to herself as well. "They started it, Shizuru. We didn't have any choice. We did what we had to do."

For both of us, this isn't a pleasant legacy.

I nodded. "I don't regret what I did. But, I'm sorry you had to see it. All of it."

And I do regret what I did, for all those words, as surely as I'd killed. But I don't renounce what I did, which is different. I'd protected Natsuki.

Natsuki shook her head. "I'm not that sensitive, you know. I'm not forgetful, either. You're you… all of you."

I smiled slightly. "Sadly."

"In any case, I'm glad you're alive," Natsuki said. "When you were like that, I was afraid that you really would die. You scared me, you know."

"I'm sorry," I said automatically. "Though, well, I do say that rather a lot…"

Natsuki smirked. "That really is a part of you as well." She sighed. "Well, and everyone else too. They were all really scared for us both. And there are a lot of flowers, too. It's kinda nice, isn't it?"

I remembered everything. How they'd all had to go through that too. "It is. But, they shouldn't have been involved."

"They wanted to come and support us. That's why they were there. Well, I don't like it either. Mai and Tate and Shiho, at least, it feels like they shouldn't be involved." Natsuki closed her eyes. "Well, they shouldn't have been involved. But that's their fault, not ours. You're not blaming yourself, are you?"

"Well… I can't really think, right now," I confessed quietly.

"That's fine too. You should rest." Natsuki rubbed the back of her head with her left hand, chuckling quietly. "Well, I guess it's my fault you're not, isn't it?"

"It's fine. I want to talk," I said, truthfully. It had been a while, and I couldn't sleep just yet. There were still a few more things to say. "So they're all okay?"

"They're fine. Apart from Mikoto and us, just scratches. Well, though I say that… do you remember Akira Okuzaki? She turned up to help us, and she got hit too. But she's the best off of us all, even so."

"Akira-kun?" I asked heavily, remembering. "That girl… she's very young, isn't she?"

"Well, yeah," Natsuki said. "Though she seems older. She's more mature than Tate, right?"

I giggled slightly, before sobering. "Yes. But she's young. Mikoto, too."

"You're not blaming yourself for that too, are you?" Natsuki asked.

"I'm not blaming myself for anything," I murmured sleepily. "I think. Maybe."

Natsuki snorted. "When it's you saying that, it's not convincing at all. But no one's blaming you for anything. And everyone's cheering for you, I guess. Is that the right thing to say?"

I glanced at her, and she blushed slightly. "Well, perhaps."

"It sounds kinda cheesy," Natsuki muttered, looking away. "Honestly, why me? They should send Mai or someone, a person who's good at this stuff."

She was still holding my hand, so I squeezed it slightly. Even that felt like an exertion. "Natsuki is best," I breathed, with the candour of those on the brink of unconsciousness.

"Idiot," Natsuki said unconvincingly.

I closed my eyes briefly and said nothing, breathing deeply. I really was so tired.

"You know, when I was young, it was tough," Natsuki said quietly. When I glanced at her, she looked down at her feet. "I had a lot of dreams, I wanted to something, and I had to do dangerous and scary things. It was hard. Even finding the courage was hard. And when I went into dangerous places, risking my life, I thought about it and thought that if I got hurt, no one would care. If I died, no one would mourn me. Even my father."

I managed a smile. "Who wouldn't care for my cute Natsuki…"

"You were the first one who cared," Natsuki said, glancing at me. "Because you worried about me, I could worry about myself. And because you liked being with me, I could be determined to come back alive. That was a very important thing." She smiled at me. "Now, a lot of people have that feeling for both of us. So that's what's nice about it, I think."

I thought about that for a moment. "I understand."

You were my first person, too, when my parents were so far away. Perhaps just the first person I could remember.

"Are you tired?"

I nodded weakly, opening my mouth to apologise, then stopping myself. "Next time," I said, instead. "We can talk more."

Natsuki nodded. "Right."

I closed my eyes. "I have three days, right?"

"Huh?"

"I'll surely be much better before then," I said to myself, allowing myself to relax. "It was a promise."

* * *

She fell asleep really quickly. Well, that wasn't surprising. She'd been forcing herself to stay awake at all. Perhaps I should have told her to rest, instead of talking to her so much, but it was hard to resist. I'd wanted to hear her voice. Though she's beautiful even when she's resting like this, I can see the strain, and she's so inert. It's better when she speaks and looks at me with those crimson eyes, even if they're dull and her voice stretched and tired.

How long did it take me to realise how much I'd miss them? I was so stubborn and naïve, and she was so stubborn and guilty, so we wasted a lot of time. Maybe that's wrong. Maybe it wasn't a waste. But even so, I'm glad I could keep my promise. We could meet again here.

I looked at her face for a few more moments. When I'd first seen her, it had hurt. Even though I'd been expecting it. Even now, she's as helpless as a baby, so exhausted she can barely talk and wrapped in tubes and bandages. I've always seen her vulnerable side, but I never wanted to see her truly hurt. So in part it makes me angry. They're dead, but if they weren't, I might do it again. This was far too much.

But she still has pulse, and breath, and voice, and sight, and her smile. She's still alive, though we came through that hell. So there's also relief when I look on her, and surprise, a subtle fear that if I touch her she'll turn to dust. It's a terrible thing, having your hope realised. You wonder what will go wrong. Especially for a stubborn person like me.

I guess that's why she held herself back. Well, when we're better again, I won't let her do that any more.

After a few moments more, I pulled my hand gently from hers and stood. She murmured something nonsensical, shifting her head slightly. I tried not to smile. Honestly, everyone's a child when they're asleep, regardless of the circumstances.

They were all outside, of course. "How is she?" Mai asked anxiously.

"She's asleep," I said shortly, closing the door behind me. "I'm sorry. I monopolised her a bit too much."

"It can't be helped," Reito said. "It's just good that she was able to talk to you. She's making good progress."

"Of course," I said firmly. "Shizuru's Shizuru, isn't she? She'll be better before you know it."

Reito chuckled. "Quite."

"I'm sorry you all couldn't see her while she was awake," Viola said. "But it's probably best if we take it slowly, within reason. She was asking so many questions as it was."

"And you encouraged her," Saaya reprimanded gently. "Not that I blame you. It wouldn't be nice if we looked down on her, now would it?"

Viola smiled. "I'll concede that point. Perhaps next time, then."

"In any case, Natsuki, should you even be out of bed?" Mai demanded reproachfully. "We can still look after Shizuru-san, you know. But if you do yourself an injury playing around before it's safe, you'd definitely upset her."

I snorted. "I'm fine, okay? I just have to wait around for a while, but I can still move."

"Right, right," Mikoto said amicably, prodding Mai in the calf with one of her crutches. "Natsuki is fine! I'm fine! So Kaichou will be fine soon too!"

"And you should be in bed as well," Mai said, turning on her. "Don't think I've forgotten that either. Honestly."

Mikoto skipped back out of range with surprising dexterity, while Shiho just sighed. "Yes, yes. Well, there's no harm in it. I'm more worried about disturbing Shizuru-san." She sniffed. "Natsuki might do something reckless if we keep giving her special time like that."

"Just what are you implying, brat?" I asked. "I'll kick your teeth in!"

"Now, now," Viola said. "Not so loud. Maybe we should move away a little?"

I sighed, dropping my voice. "Fine. I get it, already. In any case, she's tired and feels horrible… but that's to be expected. She definitely was lively enough to ask a lot of questions, though. That part of her hasn't changed at all."

Mai sighed. "And she's no better than the rest of you, either. No doubt she'll be running amok over the next few days. What part of sitting still don't you all get?"

"She says she's sorry for involving you all in everything, though," I added.

"Just what was she responsible for, anyway?" Shiho demanded. "She's doing that again!"

"As expected of Shizuru," Reito said, smiling wanly. "Should I be glad that she's feeling so herself or despair of her?"

"Well, I told her it was stupid too," I said, walking away from the door. I looked around. "Where's Takumi?"

"Akira-kun's patrolling, so he's with her," Mai explained. "Her too, right? It drives me mad."

I laughed. "Well, thanks for worrying. I guess I'll go back to my room."

One of the nurse guys… ninja, stepped forwards and bowed. "Allow to escort you, Kuga-sama."

I tried not to roll my eyes. If you take that tone, how the hell is a disguise going to help with anything? "Fine. If you insist. But I'm sure there's no need."

"One must be careful," the ninja said simply.

"And I'll go back in there, if no one minds," Viola said. "Thank you all for coming."

"Not at all. Thank you for looking after us all," Mai said, with a mastery of Fujino etiquette. It's very annoying. She bowed slightly. "Well, then."

"And we'd better go back, isn't that right?" Reito said. "Mikoto, Shiho?"

"Do we have to?" Mikoto asked sulkily. "I'm fine, you know!"

"No," Reito said. "You have to get lots of rest. Promise me, okay?"

Mikoto pouted, defeated. "Yes, Ani…"

So we ended up going our separate ways. Though in my case, I walked ten feet up the corridor and opened the next door along with my left hand. _That _is why there's no need for a ninja nurse to escort me. Besides that, ninja nurse? I can understand the guns, but this is getting ridiculous.

"Good afternoon." Yamada glanced up, smirking at me. "You look better than I'd expect, to be wandering around so soon after that kind of wound."

To my ire, the ninja nurse nodded respectfully at him before retreating outside again. "I'm fine," I said steadily, walking across the room. "There's nothing for it but to wait and see how well it can heal, but that doesn't mean I can't do other things in the mean time. How about you?" I sat on my bed. "Do I still have to call you Ojisan?"

"You can if you like," Yamada said amicably. "There's no need to, though. I'm here for a job."

"I guess it doesn't matter now that I can't pay you right now, right?" I asked. "You should throw me a bone here. I've let you come to a very profitable chance, right?"

"I think I've already paid you back," Yamada returned. "In any case, you don't need to worry about it. In any case, here." He threw me a newspaper. "Have you seen this already?"

I caught it with my left hand, resting it on my lap and staring at the front-page headline. _National Disgrace. In the wake of the hostage scandal, billionaire Shinri Fujino has pledged 400 million yen to anyone who can remedy the "deplorable state of our nation's anti-terrorism response units"…_I snorted. "Keeping busy, isn't he? Well, throwing money at a problem sure is his style."

"It's very useful for us, though," Yamada said. "He's a subtle and gifted man. But, forceful too. It's just what we need. If we strike back hard in the wake of their failure, it's very useful. To say nothing of his financial power."

"Which is what you're really glad about," I teased, scoffing lightly. I carried on reading. "He doesn't pull his punches, does he?"

"Of course. What heartless parent wouldn't be enraged at this scenario?" Yamada asked. "He's calling for a full inquiry into SAT's slow response time, you'll see. He'll get it, too. The public's with him."

I put the paper down, glancing at Yamada. "Okay. How about we stop dancing around this? Just tell me clearly what's going on. Hell, tell me clearly what happened."

"No time for subtleties, then?" Yamada shrugged. "Well, I'm sure you know most of it already. Ikuru… Nishiki… whichever name you use, he was the right man at the right time. He struck a deal with a certain faction within the government, hawks who wanted to get ahold of you Hime." He smirked again. "It sure is a strange world you live in. I'm glad I'm only tangentially involved."

"You work hard to keep yourself out of trouble." I rested my left arm against my cast. "So? They wanted to make weapons with us or something?"

Yamada nodded. "You have a lot of valuable properties, don't you? Even discounting the overtly supernatural things, your advanced physical capabilities are remarkable. Heightened in every aspect. Strength. Speed. Reflexes. Even healing." He glanced at me. "It's uncanny, isn't it? How well you all pull out of dangerous situations?"

"I'd rather think of it as skill, thanks," I riposted. "In any case, that makes sense. Sucks for us, though."

Yamada shrugged. "Whether or not those things exist, the important thing is that they believe they do. Well, it can be dealt with. Like I said, it's only a certain faction of the government who is pushing this agenda. They'd already taken a hit month ago. A certain group destroyed all the data they'd inherited from the First District. I couldn't say who did that, of course." Yamada smiled. "After this failure, they'd in a very bad way. If a certain cabinet minister was to resign, why, that might be the end of them."

I nodded steadily. "So the old man's pushing for that, right?"

"Is he, I wonder?" Yamada asked innocently. "I'm sure he's just campaigning for the good of Japan. Either way, it's no certain thing, but we have a good chance. They underestimated us, and relied too much on that man and his power."

I sighed, closing my eyes. "God. I hate the politics. Give me someone to shoot any day."

"There was one other consideration. He also struck a deal with another group who has an overt interest in the Hime. It's not discreet to say their name, though. You know who I mean."

"Searrs, huh?" I asked bluntly. I shrugged when he glanced pointedly at me. "I'm damned if I'll pussyfoot around it. It seems like they'd want that."

"Well, they also made a move on that day," Yamada said. "It's a funny thing, though. They were completely annihilated."

"You guys again?" I asked.

Yamada shook his head. "It wasn't us. Our special allies weren't even in position when it occurred. And it's a strange story, but rumours suggest this has been happening to the remnant Searrs presence all over Japan."

I snorted. "Fine. I'm not going to complain about that. More importantly, are we safe here?"

"There should be no danger here. Fujino-san has guaranteed the protection of the Zaizen PMC. Through his funds, indeed."

"The what? You mean the ninja?"

Yamada looked pained. "Not ninja. A PMC. The fact that they trace historical origins to ninja does not mean they're still ninja."

I laughed at his expression. "What? Embarrassed to be associated with ninja?"

"Accurate terminology is important," Yamada said. "They're a paramilitary group."

I sighed, giving up. "Fine, sure. Whatever. Is there anything else?"

"Zaizen took twelve casualties over the course of the operations that day, which isn't light from such a small group," Yamada said. "A third of those were inflicted by an enemy sniper who lay outside our calculations. However, by the time the police arrived, she'd been knocked out. Apparently, a high-grade tranquilliser. We don't have an explanation for that, either."

"Just what are we paying you for?" I mocked gently, before falling silent. Could it be him? No way, right?

"I'm working on it, but there's more important things going on, okay?" Yamada said defensively. "Have you any idea how much my operations have expanded? I've got ten brokers in my line _under _me now, and they're all smarting from that alone. Even with the help, there's an incomprehensible amount of information to gather. This would be hard if we were the PSIA. Oh, and our enemies are damn close to PSIA, so we have that to worry about as well." He folded his arms. "I can assure you, I'm earning my keep."

I sighed, touching my forehead with my left hand. "I'm sure. Is that everything?"

"For now. Don't worry. The situation is well in hand. Fujino-san is dealing with the media, as well." Yamada leaned back, glancing at me. "How is your Shizuru?"

"She's as well as can be expected," I said warily, deciding not to bother arguing with his tone. "Hopefully she'll get better."

"That's good. It would be inconvenient if the daughter of my new client died and made this all meaningless." Yamada looked away. "In any case, you really do live in a bizarre world."

"You don't have to tell me about that," I said tiredly.

"Well, I suppose it keeps me busy," Yamada said, sounding slightly subdued. "You know, when you first approached me, I thought you were a paranoid kid. I went along with it after I researched your dad and noticed how loaded he was."

I laughed. "Charming. Well, I kinda worked that one out a while ago…"

"And my feeling at that time wasn't wrong, either." He stood, adjusting the set of his hat. "Getting involved with a teenage girl wasn't a great idea, after all."

I blinked slowly, sighing. "If you say so."

"Attachments are always dangerous, you know. But all the same, you're going to ignore me, aren't you?"

"Why wouldn't I?" I asked innocently. "I'm not even the one paying you any more."

Yamada smirked. "I'll speak to you later." He turned and started to walk out.

I raised a hand. "Hey, how much does the old man know?"

"He knows more than enough to do what he has to do," Yamada said briefly, smiling. "If you want to know more, contact me in the usual way."

I cast around for something to throw, but he'd already slipped out the door.


	70. Chapter 70

**Windows of the Soul: Part Seventy**

Eventually, I woke again. I'd been getting used to that, but as I slowed gathered myself I felt more together than I'd been before. More present, and rather less likely to drop off again. So I dared to look around the room, and caught the silhouette of Okasama and Saaya, working again. I wasn't sure whether to disturb them, but in the end, curiosity got the better of me.

"Is it still Thursday?" I asked quietly.

Okasama glanced in my direction briefly, then nodded. "It's Thursday evening. Shinri should be here soon."

You won't catch Okasama off guard twice. I nodded back, closing my eyes.

The laptop clicked shut. "How are you feeling?"

"A little better." I glanced at her. "You don't need to stop working."

"It's fine. We're almost done for the day anyway." Okasama turned, smiling at me. "You don't need to worry about those things, you know."

"How is business going?" I asked stubbornly. I'm not sure why, but I wanted to hear about normal things. There were too many extraordinary things.

"As well as could be expected. I can deal with almost everything from here, thankfully. That's the wonders of the modern age. It's rather convenient." Okasama cocked her head slightly. "Shinri… well, I'm sure he'll tell you about that himself."

"And the media attention?" I asked, trying hard to think like a Fujino. "There will be a lot of commentary, right? This time far more than last time, but last time will be remembered."

Okasama sighed and smiled. "Yes. It's hard to hide things from you, after all. But Shinri is taking care of everything. Thankfully, the burden of the attention is on what is to be done, not you."

"I see." I glanced at Saaya nervously, then looked away when she looked back. I was feeling weak, and far younger than I otherwise would be. Normally, at least hide such a simple response. But neither of us can either forget, no?

"We've received many letters of sympathy," Okasama said. "It's a little overwhelming, really. And flowers. Far more than we could fit in this room, so I had to choose the best ones. The rest are at home." She smiled. "And there were many from your school-friends, too. I'm glad that people can react with genuine sympathy even in this jaded age."

"That's very kind of them," I said automatically. "I'll have to write letters of thanks…"

"I'm already doing that, when I have the time. Though it's a little tough. You really do have a lot of friends, so even with Mai-san and the others helping, I have a hard time individualising them all. As for the others, I dare not even try." Okasama cocked her head slightly. "Grace is always touching, but occasionally, a little hard to deal with. An overwhelming sentiment is exactly that."

"I'll help you with the letters next time," I said. "It's the least I can do, after all."

Okasama looked like she wanted to argue, then gave up and nodded slightly. "Well, that's fine if you're sure you can manage. You wouldn't want me looking down at you, right?"

I smiled weakly at her. No matter what, Okasama is Okasama. Soft and graceful, warm and kind but composed, intelligent and sophisticated. Her formidable aspect is that she so naturally disarms you. Her demeanour hasn't changed in the least, either.

It's hard to believe the degree to which I endangered her.

And there's still a lot we have to say. I'm just putting it off, and so is she. We don't know if things can go back to the way they were before when we've taken that step. All the same, I can't keep running away forever.

"Thank you for earlier," I said quietly.

"Earlier?" Okasama asked. "I did nothing, really. Perhaps I went a little too far talking to you…"

"With Natsuki. Letting me talk to her." I looked down at the bed. "I do appreciate that."

"Oh. That was nothing."

For a moment, silence hung between us, and then I spoke again. "I'm sorry. I have many things I need to say and explain… would you forgive me for waiting until Otousama comes?"

"That's nothing that needs forgiveness," Okasama assured me. "In fact, there's no need to see anything even then. We'll wait until you are ready, whenever that might be. Right now, your health is the most important thing for all of us."

I shook my head slightly. "I appreciate that. But I can't keep simply waiting and waiting forever. I can't do that to you, either. So I'll have to impose on you."

Okasama smiled wanly. "You're becoming very formal again, Shizuru. More so than usual. It's a bad sign."

"I'm sorry."

"But if you have anything to say to me now, I'll listen to anything. Shinri does so lean on me as the approachable one, that I'm quite used to it." She folded her arms in her lap. "And if you like, I can approach him with those things as well. It might be a little easier for you. We don't want to trouble when your health's so bad."

I shook my head slightly. "Thank you. But I'm afraid I'll have to do this directly. I owe Otousama that much, at least, for troubling him so much…"

"You can be one of two things in this world, Shizuru," Okasama said. "You can be sick, or you can worry about your impositions on others. But you can't do both. If you did that and people took your seriously, you'd surely die." She chuckled slightly. "It's a bad habit of yours you've kept for some time now… well, I'll forgive you for it, all the same. But it's hard for the mother of a child. We love it when you impose on us."

I opened my mouth to apologise, and stopped myself just in time. "Thank you," I said, instead.

"And, you know, Shinri's a little like that as well. He's stubborn, and he's made you stubborn." Okasama smiled slightly. "It's very tough for me. All the same, you are his daughter. Not his ideal."

"I try hard to be his ideal daughter," I said playfully.

"And it puts a deal of pressure on me, but I bear with that as well," Okasama said amicably.

"I'm sorry for that." Glanced at her, then, with effort, sat up. My stomach hurt, but I bore with it, and it slowly receded. "Okasama, can I talk to Saaya?"

Okasama glanced at me for a moment. "If you insist."

"Please."

Okasama nodded. "Then I'll be outside."

"I'll help you," Saaya said, standing and assisting Okasama in the usual way. That was the first time she'd spoken, after all.

I watched them, feeling my heart rend itself. I'd almost destroyed that beautiful partnership.

And once Okasama was outside, Saaya closed the door and turned, smiling. "Can I help you, Shizuru-chan?"

I looked away, wincing slightly, then forced herself to look her in the eyes. "I want to… apologise…"

"Apologise for what?" Saaya asked innocently, stepping towards me. There was a certain artifice behind her words, one that suggested she'd also been anticipating this conversation.

I wonder what outcome she has planned. She controls this situation.

"For earlier. In the hostage situation, I offered to sacrifice your life." I closed my eyes. "Though I know that's still an unforgivable thing, I'd still like to apologise."

"For what?" Saaya repeated. When I opened my eyes, she was looking straight at me. "If you had to go through that once again, would you choose any differently?"

I blinked for a moment, then looked at my lap. "No."

"Then is there any actual meaning in apologising?" Saaya asked neutrally, stepping towards me.

I shook my head. "No. For the sentiments I was obliged to put you through, at least, and for you being in that situation at all… though my answer wouldn't change. So I don't expect you to forgive me-"

Saaya leaned down and pulled my cheek. "Honestly. Shinri would never apologise for something like that, you know. You still have a way to go."

I glanced at her, slightly shocked. "Sorry?"

She let go, straightening slightly. "But to make a decision, and to stand by that decision regardless, it's one of the basic principles we live by, isn't it? So I already understand."

I blinked. Well, I hadn't planned for it to go this way, regardless. "But-"

Saaya sat on the edge of the bed, glancing at me. "It's unkind?" she suggested. "Well, it is. But no one ever pretended that it was. So that's fine." She glanced into my eyes when I didn't reply. "It's not as if I wasn't upset and afraid, of course. But it doesn't matter."

I nodded weakly. "Then I'm sorry for apologising and excusing myself like I did."

"You don't need to apologise for that, either," Saaya chided. "It's just not necessary to articulate that sincere regret. Shinri would be sorry, at least, but he'd bear with that. And decisions moderated by sorrow are different. They prove you're still human. So, I'm glad that you're sorry, all the same."

I looked down again, damned by those words. Not that she knew it. "I'll bear that in mind."

"It's a given that the other children are those who must be protected," Saaya said, after a moment. "They are young, we are old, they are guests and we are family, they can fight and we cannot… and with that assumption, there's no meaning in sacrificing Viola when I'm a viable alternative. If I've already given my life over to her, I can do that, but she lives for more than me." She cocked her head slightly. "Was your logic something like that?"

"Not exactly," I said ambiguously. "But you aren't very wrong."

"I thought so. It's an appropriate line of thought." Saaya folded her arms. "But, if you're ever in that situation again, promise me one thing…"

"What is it?" I asked quietly.

"Next time, don't offer them your own life."

I blinked. "But-"

"Viola would offer her body in your place without a heartbeat's regret," Saaya said. "That's a mother's regard. And if you were killed, the strong you that killed those men would be lost. The others would be adversely affected, and Natsuki-chan might well loose the will to fight altogether. Or else seek death. It would be a bad decision. If not me or Viola, then Shiho-chan or Mai-chan would have been better choices."

"But that's-" I stopped myself, then closed my eyes briefly. "For various reasons, I would have been a more appropriate sacrifice."

"It's cold, isn't it?" Saaya shrugged. "But in order to protect your loved ones, sometimes you must accept sacrifice. No one has the power to protect everyone in this world. In that case, you must be rational, and then calmly accept the contempt and hatred you deserve. To protect our loved ones, there's nothing we wouldn't do."

"It's heavy," I said quietly. "The burden of my name. Though I've no right to complain."

"Taking responsibility for something always is." Saaya looked away. "In any case, remember one thing. You and I aren't enemies, then or now. If we became enemies, that would surely be in accordance with their ill wishes. And we Fujino never follow an enemy's wishes just to gratify them, no?"

I nodded slightly. "Yes."

"No, as merely me, too, there's no way I could do that," Saaya said, turning and smiling at me. She reached out and ruffled my hair. "No matter what, you're still my cute daughter, Shizuru-chan. That isn't going to change."

I smiled tentatively back. "Thank you for that sentiment. It's truly appreciated."

Saaya let her hand drop, pushing me gently on the shoulder. "If you understand, then lie down and rest. You're straining yourself too much."

"Thank you," I repeated, allowing myself to lie back. Just that had drained me almost completely. Perhaps I couldn't do everything tonight, after all.

"That's a good girl. Just resting is fine for now, okay? Everything else can follow after. No one's going anywhere, after all."

She stood and walked across the room to let Okasama back in, and I closed my eyes for a moment, letting my mind rest a little. It would have been an ordeal even without my currently limited reserves of strength.

So it can't be helped.

I fell asleep again, and I woke to soft voices. The pattern of sleeping and waking had stopped surprising me. It had already become my new normality. This time eyes were looking down at me, though.

"So you're awake," Otousama noted, frowning slightly.

I nodded, closing my eyes again and collecting myself for another belated stab at being normal. "How long as it been?"

"About half an hour," Saaya said. "Don't force yourself, okay, Shizuru-chan?"

"I'm fine," I said vaguely. "Good evening, Otousama."

"Good evening," he returned, as if this was normal. "It seems you are making good progress."

I made to push myself up slightly, but he shook his head, so I contented myself with laying back and looking at him. "Not at all," I said. "I'm still worrying everyone, aren't I? No, more importantly than that, I'm sorry for everything."

"If you can't control a circumstance you can't apologise for how it unfolds," Otousama said sternly. "More importantly, you placed your life on the line fighting for your family and your friends. Before then, too, you demonstrated your courage, resolution, and composure. I'm extremely proud of you."

I turned my head away, blushing awkwardly. He doesn't understand yet, then, exactly how everything was my fault. What I did was the least I could do, and at the same time monstrous. "Not at all. I did what seemed natural, no more. You shouldn't praise me for that…"

"If you can act naturally in an extraordinary circumstance, that's all the more reason for me to praise your strength," Otousama said. "Accept that with grace. The cost to you and the others was heavy enough, though nowhere near as heavy as it might have been."

I closed my eyes to avoid his unflinching gaze. "And my injury?"

"Will heal, eventually," Okasama said. "As I've said before, I'm afraid you'll be here for a while."

I shook my head. "I'll come home soon."

"Hmm. I suppose we could arrange the necessary things," Otousama mused.

"No. Under my own power, I'll come home soon," I assured them, sitting up to emphasise my point. My stomach still hurt, but I could at least convince myself that it was a little less bad than before. "So don't worry about me."

"Your life was in danger, though you never stopped fighting," Otousama said. "Remember that. Surviving a lethal wound is fine, but you shouldn't be too reckless."

"It will be fine," I said, with more confidence than sense. "I'm young. My body can handle it."

Okasama sighed. "I'll try hard to believe you are right."

Otousama regarded me for a long moment, then nodded. "Your katana is being reforged. It will lose a great deal of its length, and you will need a new one. Nonetheless, it's worth keeping. It has a lot of meaning now."

I smiled despite myself. That was a very Otousama thing to be worrying about. "Shattered like me. But broken things can be fixed. That's a little elegant as a metaphor, isn't it?"

"That's so," Otousama agreed. "And putting metaphors aside, I'll say one more thing. I'm sorry I couldn't do any more than I did. I failed to protect everyone. If it wasn't for that man, things would have been even worse than before."

That man? I decided not to probe. After all, Otousama was apologising. I could well imagine the effort that took him, and the meaning vested in it. "Didn't you say that I shouldn't apologise for an unavoidable circumstance?" I asked lightly.

Yes. This was getting a little easier. That was good.

"Even so, I should have been able to do more." Okasama coughed, and he folded his arms. "Well, we can talk about this at another time. You shouldn't disturb yourself too much."

And the time had come to begin. I knew that. Even so, I'm a coward at heart. "About the media," I said suddenly. "How is that going?"

It's often truly hard to say the right things.

"As ever, they're vultures," Otousama said curtly. "But they're also useful. I've managed to draw their attention away from you all and onto the wider issues at hand, which is a positive development."

I nodded. "I see. That's good. If they were troubling Natsuki and the others, I would be very worried."

"They don't have the right to trouble you, either," Otousama said reproachfully. "In any case, it's a lot of work. With the board, I can talk hard facts and numbers. But I have to write many more speeches now. It requires considerable effort."

"I hope your work isn't too disrupted?" I asked timidly.

"They can manage without my close supervision for a few days," Otousama said. "And you're taking care of everything else, aren't you, dear?"

"As best I can, as well she knows," Okasama said. "I'm sorry for that, Shizuru. It feels like I should be able to pay more attention at a time like this."

I shook my head, trying to smile. "Not at all. I'm asleep too much, so I'm just impressed you can work through my snores."

Okasama giggled, while Saaya just touched her forehead. "I can assure you, we've worked under worse conditions, Shizuru-chan…"

"In any case, the outlook isn't bad," Otousama said. "But it's not without dangers. We're currently in a cold war with a part of the government. Defeat means we'd have our government contracts cut, which could strangle us."

"Dear," Okasama said reproachfully. "You promised you wouldn't mention the politics."

"She's not so ill she can't understand this," Otousama said. "And I want her thoughts, as well. Shizuru, wounded or no, is an adult of this family."

I frowned, wishing that the praise would end. It was easier to mock myself a little and smile than tolerate that. Like his apology, his thanks are rare. That makes it hurt all the more now. "I'm afraid I'll have little enough to offer, preoccupied as I am. In any case, to what extent were the government involved? Do we know?"

"I can't confirm anything," Otousama said briefly. "But, so much so that to tell the truth would be fatal. It's probably best if I don't speak of that now, though. Don't worry. I've already made plans."

I nodded slightly, looking down. And now I have to begin. "How much do you know?"

"Without certainty, there's evidence enough of deliberate malice in the slow pace of SAT, the general police response and even the bungled first attack," Otousama said. "Such systematic failure can't be coincidental. As for what they were trying to achieve-"

"About the Hime," I corrected quietly.

For a few seconds no one spoke.

"I first read of that in that woman's account," Otousama said eventually. "And it was a fantastic fabrication. But then from that man, and implicit in my new allies, and by the words of Reito Minagi, though nothing was ever made explicit, I'm given to understand that regardless of the details, there was another side to the Twelve Day War." He glanced at me. "One centred on Fuka Academy, and specifically involving the students there."

I nodded slightly. "Twelve maidens were chosen by a dark god to fight over the succession of that god's wife. They were given weapons and entrusted with creatures of great power, and in return they believed they had staked their own lives. But the reality was that the lives of their most important people had been tied to the outcome of this battle." I realised my voice was flat and dull, but I couldn't help myself. I couldn't bring myself to look round. "They fought under a red star only they could see, and as that star grew closer to earth great misfortune fell upon the world. That is the reality of the Twelve Day War."

"So that woman claimed," Otousama said uneasily.

"So it was. So was my reality." And now that I had begun to speak, I could look at him, begging for his understanding. "I was born with a birthmark here," I said, touching my left side. "You know that. But eleven other girls bore that mark." And my hand moved down, pulling up the hospital shirt to expose my side. "Now that mark has faded."

"So, in all sincerity, you're collaborating that woman's account?" Otousama asked, sounding genuinely puzzled.

"There's no need to believe me," I said, letting my shirt drop again. I looked down, feeling stupid. Just what had I expected of them? Wasn't it unreasonable?

"I believe you," Saaya said abruptly. She was frowning up at Shinri when I glanced at her. "I was there. I saw that man and watched him talk. Without irony, and with all sincerity, he talked of ridiculous things. And as time passed, I realised that not just Shizuru, but everyone else there understood those things. Viola and I were the ridiculous ones." She closed her eyes. "So I'm already ready to accept that such a truth exists."

"I understand that much," Otousama retorted. "I just didn't credit the details before now. But if it's Shizuru talking…"

"Believing or not is fine," I said tiredly. "Just listen." I closed my eyes, shaking my head, then opened them again. "Is this location good enough for a private conversation?"

"There's no one here right now," Otousama said.

"Would you be happy to abuse me and disown me in this place?" I asked, looking into his eyes and smirking. My manic side was surfacing again, I knew, and I felt that same cold and desperate clarity. So much so that I relished their discord.

"That's enough, Shizuru," Okasama said. "You're very tired. You should rest for now."

"So you don't want to hear?" I asked, with a deceptively tranquil innocence. "Well, that's fine too…"

"Is this something you have to say?" Otousama asked, raising a hand to stop Okasama from speaking.

We stared into each other's eyes; his stern majesty set against my abnormal, unflinching gaze. And with effort, I pulled myself back from that brink, looked down, breathed, and drew myself in again. "Yes. Precisely. If you'll permit me, I'll finish those things without wasting all of your time."

Saaya stood. "I'll make sure you aren't interrupted," she said clearly. "Unless there's any objection to that?"

"Please," Otousama said curtly.

He continued to look down at me with a wary regard. It was more than uncomfortable. But this time, I'd found my genuine resolve, and I could stare back without flinching.

Saaya touched my shoulder briefly as she passed me, and then she stepped outside, closing the door behind her.

"I won't tell you unnecessary things about that battle," I said firmly. "Instead, I'll tell you of my crimes. Once that's done, we can talk. But in this circumstance, which is caused by me, and threatens you, I no longer consider myself your daughter. Please wait before you decide for yourself."

"I don't remember raising you to cut your ties so easily," Otousama said coldly. "It's unfitting."

Okasama stood, moving between us. "That's enough. Both of you. There's no meaning in this conversation. Not here, not now."

"It has to be here and now," I said without sympathy. "I've said this much and there isn't any turning back. You both know already, don't you?"

Neither of them replied, but Okasama sighed and stepped back, looking pained. Do as you like, she said.

"Around a decade again, the organisation known as First District killed Dr Kuga and left Natsuki to grow up alone," I said shortly. "As she grew up and became Natsuki-Hime, she therefore sheltered the resolve to avenge herself for this act. She tried to make use of me, and I understood more than she knew, and abetted her. I learned many things, and in the end, more than her. And after a certain event left me with no hope but to act, I fulfilled that desire of hers in more than full measure. And I destroyed the First District with my power, and my own hands." My voice was flat, and surprisingly steady. This is my monstrous side, which harbours little regret.

"Using the power called Kiyohime?" Otousama queried. And I knew in that moment that he believed.

"Using Kiyohime," I said, "I destroyed everything Umi Tsuda knew, including her fiancé. So she wasn't wrong to try and take my life now that my power is gone."

Okasama said nothing, but turned away in agitation, walking towards the window and stopping just before it. Otousama just continued to stare down at me. "So for that reason, you were targeted?"

"They were outside the headquarters on operations at the time," I said, by way of explanation. "I was defeated by Natsuki before I could finish cleaning up."

"So that part of her account is true," Otousama murmured.

"I'm not particularly interested in Umi Tsuda," I said, with a kind of honesty. And it was true. Even now, I'm still filled with selfish desires of self-preservation. I only think of the people around me, so this confession will be my only apology.

"There were other things too. With Natsuki's life at stake, and with the power to realise her desires as a prize," I said, "I was obliged to fight. No, I chose to fight. And so I killed two more people, and ruined the lives of two more… one, a middle school student I knew little of. One, Yukino Kikukawa. Haruka Suzushiro, I therefore killed before her and my eyes, face to face…"

"For Natsuki Kuga?"

"For Natsuki, though I had no right," I said, my voice faltering slightly. I looked down. "There was one more thing, the thing which began it all."

"You were under the influence of that godlike figure, weren't you?" Okasama asked, with a deceptive calm that reminded me of myself. That voice twisted the knife through my heart.

"I was always myself," I said. "Just sometimes the other side of me." I closed my eyes. "And I took advantage of Natsuki while she was vulnerable and weak, and while she was asleep." I closed my eyes. "I raped her."

I'd been expecting it. But even so, Otousama's slap almost knocked me over. "If you fell to such a degree, dying is fine, isn't it?" he demanded, with a cold, channelled rage.

I kept my eyes firmly closed to stop the tears. And I reached up, touching my face where the blow had landed. It was very nostalgic. "I can't do that," I said after a moment.

"Is there anything to live for?" he asked dangerously.

"Natsuki wouldn't forgive me if I died," I said. With effort, I opened my eyes, though tears of pain fell from them. And I tried hard to stop my voice from breaking. "So, I will live. I'm not asking your permission."

"Isn't that an unforgivable presumption?" Otousama demanded. "I've raised you, and yet you embody all things I despise, and your conceit is this, that the one you've most wronged would beg for your life?"

"Yes. Because Natsuki loves me."

Otousama pulled his hand back, preparing to slap me again.

"That's enough." Okasama's voice lashed out, terse and sharp, and he froze. Even I blinked and forgot to cry. "It's raining outside," she remarked, more calmly.

I blinked at the non sequitur.

"The conviction of those gripped by righteous anger is a fine thing," she added, after a moment. "As is the conviction of a lover. I'm just the mother of a child. That child can't be taken from me. Though heaven and hell come, that would be an unforgivable thing." She turned calmly, facing us both. "And though they rage, they wouldn't strike that child."

Otousama lowered his hand slowly, then stepped back and closed his eyes. His body was tense, but he didn't move or say a word more.

"Family is a fine thing, too, but the most important person isn't here," she added.

She'd barely finished that line before the door slammed open. Natsuki strode through, eyes blazing.

I blinked, giving her a horrified look. "Natsuki…"

"Looks like my grip slipped," Saaya said from the doorway.

Natsuki gave me a terminally ill tempered look, before striding between me and Otousama. "Okay, this time I'm pissed," she said.

"This is between us," Otousama began, drawing himself up.

A moment later, he jumped back, rubbing his shin. Natsuki lowered her foot, glaring. "Who the fuck asked you to speak on my behalf, you old bastard? I don't need it."

"Ah, Natsuki," I began. "I mean, should you really be up-"

"And you, too!" Natsuki said, giving me a withering look. "What are you trying to do, persuading them to hate you? For god's sake, Umi was softer on you!"

I winced, trying to think of something to say. Nothing immediately occurred, so I decided to try and stop crying. "Sorry…"

"And I hate you for pushing me into a wall and holding me down for whatever reason," Natsuki added, pointing at Saaya. She turned around and pointed at Okasama. "And as for you, what the hell were you doing, letting them rip each other up like that? That's just stupid. Honestly, you Fujino piss me off!"

Otousama grimaced as he stood again, drawing himself up as best he could. "So I take it Shizuru was misleading me with regards to all of this," he said coldly. "That's a very cynical thing to do…"

"Who knows?" Natsuki asked explosively. "The past is done with anyway, so only Shizuru goes on about it!" She dropped her hand, glaring at Otousama. "I'll show you my present, shall I?"

"Please do," Otousama said sarcastically.

Natsuki turned to face me, then knelt and kissed me on the lips. My eyes widened in shock before snapping closed and hiding Otousama's face.

This scenario has also concluded outside my expectations.


	71. Chapter 71

**Windows of the Soul: Part Seventy-One**

Thanks to everyone for their continued interest. I was a little afraid everyone would bail after chapter 50, but there's still a little more of the story to tell.

We're getting there now, though. Let's see how things go.

* * *

When I stood again and turned around, I was torn between two things. That was the right thing to do. And God, what the hell was I thinking?

As the silence spread the latter perspective made huge advances, but I did my best to stare defiantly at Shinri, as if this was normal. Because kissing another girl in front of their parents is totally normal. But what the hell, it got the point across.

"I used to think that Viola and I had a very interesting and unusual time of it when we were both seventeen," Saaya said airily, breaking the silence. "But it looks like we were nothing, on the whole. Well, complacency is an easy state to fall into. Isn't that right, Shinri?"

Shinri gave me an intense look, opening his mouth, then closing it again. His fists clenched. I recognised that expression. With an enormous effort of will, he was restraining himself and reconciling himself to a greatly changed situation. It's a trick of the mind that lets you skip past an entire gamut of emotions and return straight to a new rationality. Now, me, I'm not very good at that, unless there are bullets flying. It isn't easy. The last time I saw it was from Shizuru. During the Carnival. After I'd rejected her.

That was not a happy precedent.

He turned away, walking towards the window.

"Otousama," Shizuru said loosely, following him with her eyes. But she didn't say anything more than that.

"I'm not sure, but I suspect something very important happened," Okasama said. "And before anyone tells me, I think I can guess the basic content." She sighed, tapping her forehead briefly. "I should give greater reign to my intuition…"

Saaya walked up to her, and whispered in her ear.

"A month ago," Shinri said abruptly. He stopped, then spoke again. "A month ago, I had a simple understanding of the future. My prodigal daughter would return, and she would spend the summer with us. We would use the time to teach her more about all of the family business, and she would go to Kyoto University a fitting heir." He pulled up the blinds, looking out into the darkness. "That would have been far simpler."

"Well, sorry about that," I said aggressively. "A month ago I thought I was going to spend a dull and peaceful summer a long way away, but without Shizuru… things change."

Shizuru caught my wrist and shook her head slightly. Then she looked up at him. "For your emotions of worry and distress and shame, I'll apologise. But there's nothing else I can meaningfully apologise for. What I've done in the past, is. What's now, is." She closed her eyes. "You can interpret those things however you like. I've already renounced myself to your name."

"Rather than renouncing this?" Shinri asked.

"No. Because of my past actions, I renounce my name now. This doesn't have any bearing on being or not being a Fujino." Shizuru spoke quietly, but with conviction. I'd have been reassured if her fingers weren't so tight around my wrist.

"Or, in other words, this doesn't have to be anything so theatric as a competition," Saaya said, staying close to Viola. "It's not a choice between one bond and another. That's a good attitude, as far as I'm concerned. I'll advocate it."

Viola nodded. "That's so. At the least, though, it's probably necessary for us all to have a very long conversation."

"To say the least." Shinri said nothing for a few moments, apparently collecting himself again. "This is altogether a scenario beyond my control or even my understanding. I'm willing to admit that much." He turned to face us. "Even so, you have a lot of explaining to do. I'm not sure whether there's an explanation that will suffice."

I considered demanding why any explanation was necessary, but his dark expression stopped me. Not for myself. I'm not scared of him. But I need to remember this is Shizuru's father. And though I can intercede to protect her and remind them, her problem. I have to hold myself back, or she'd surely be saddened.

If he makes the wrong decisions, though, I'll go all out.

"That's not the most important thing here," Viola said. "Shizuru is still ill, and she's already forced herself to go far too for us. I won't her or anyone else forget that."

"I appreciate the sentiment," Shizuru said quietly. "Even so, I'll finish what I've begun. My mind is clear enough for that."

"A good answer," Shinri said. "At least you can still take responsibility."

"We will sit." Viola clicked a hand, and Saaya brought her chair round, allowing her to sit down. "This will be a civilised discussion." Her pale eyes turned to regard me, unblinking, and I almost automatically sat on the edge of the bed, next to Shizuru.

"This is pushing the boundaries of discourse," Shinri observed curtly.

"You, too, Shinri," Viola said coolly, turning to regard him. "It would be better if you will sit."

Shinri glared at her for a moment, then took the other chair and sat down. Saaya knelt by Viola's side, her hand reaching up and touching on the albino's palm.

I was uncomfortably aware that we'd separated ourselves into two groups, staring across at each other. "This is sure is scarier than that trial," I said sarcastically.

My words fell into another uncomfortable silence.

Believe me when I say you don't know the Fujino until you've heard them throw metaphorical chairs at each other without ever leaving a clipped, polite tone. And believe me when I say it's hard to know what to say once you're in the middle of that kind of situation. Well, actually, a lot of different things occurred to me, most of them insults. It's just that they weren't very likely to make this tense situation better.

"I don't really have anything to say," Shizuru said eventually. "I'm in a relationship with Natsuki. That's all."

"Is that so?" Shinri asked, with the verbal consistency of bubbles in boiling oil.

"I'm in the same position," I said coldly. "If there's a conversation to be had here, I don't see it."

"Would it were so simple," Viola said. "This isn't an ordinary circumstance, or even a typically extraordinary one… something that's implicit, and perhaps comfortingly simple to you, isn't something we can easily understand."

"Well, I'll begin," Saaya said. "I've known for a fair few days. I witnessed something not dissimilar, and their reactions spoke of the rest. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Viola. But I had to make a difficult decision, and things ended up like this."

"I can understand your logic, so I'll forgive you," Viola said quietly. She brought her hands together. "In any case, neither of you are young. I can't easily and meaningfully attribute this to a phase or a immature circumstance, can I?"

"Don't screw with me," I said irritably. "You know, that pisses me off."

"It's okay, Natsuki," Shizuru began. "It's a normal expectation-"

"Fuck expectations," I said, feeling my anger unravel my composure. "They're heard, haven't they? I've suffered, cried, fought and died for this, I've come back from the dead, I'll been stabbed and shot and agonised over everything in the dark. So don't expect me to just let you look down on me!"

"You're right, of course," Viola said, closing her eyes. "That was a demeaning and unworthy remark. I will apologise."

"Bear it in mind," I said, only partly mollified.

"Then we'll apologise with a question," Viola said delicately. "For how long have you had this understanding? In what circumstances did it originate? Please don't think of this as an interrogation, or belittling you by implication. Speaking as one adult to another, I simply wish to clarify the exact nature of your relationship. Romance has many forms and many consequences."

I grimaced despite myself, looking warily at her. Nothing's quite so torturous an experience as her exactitude and elaborate complications. To us, it's simple. But she draws everything out into a string of ambiguities, and I despise clearly stating what a relationship means. Definitions are too much.

"For me, it's been a long time in coming," Shizuru said. "For me, a fascinated friendship became a crush, and if that had immature qualities they faded as it grew. I didn't welcome it, the fact I loved Natsuki. For as long as I was at Fuka, I regarded my homosexuality as an unhealthy distortion that demeaned me, Natsuki and the Fujino name. But I've come to recant that position. As for the rest, it's only been the matter of a week or so. Natsuki's understood my feelings for some time." She closed her eyes. "Ever since that day."

"It's difficult to conceive of that," Shinri said curtly.

"Just now, I told you not to speak for me," I said tiredly. "That hasn't changed. And for my part, Shizuru's feelings have been something I have to understand. Shizuru was and is the most important person in my life. She's also hurt me more than anyone else I know. But." I closed my eyes, sighing. "There's another day, and I'm alive."

"I understand. It's not my place to question what you yourself have decided." Viola cocked her head. "Isn't that right?"

"I value your opinion," Shizuru said slowly, as if looking for the trap.

Viola giggled. "That's not what I meant. I'll acknowledge your resolves, at least."

"It's fine, isn't it?" I said, closing my eyes and giving up. "Or if it isn't fine, you're going to have to tell me what the problem is. I don't have Shizuru's attention span."

"What's fine? Who are you asking?" Viola folded her arms. "You need to carefully consider these things. Things that seem implicit to you won't be seen that way by society. That's why you need to consider the situation."

I sighed, frowning at her. "You like to make things complicated, don't you? Besides, I didn't ask anything of society. I'm asking you."

"Shizuru is our daughter," Viola said. "And what I mean by that is only she is known in certain circles. Now, however, she's a celebrity, of a kind. There's an entirely different media interest in our family now. Shizuru Fujino dating a female friend involved in the hostage situation has a specific ring to it. Hitherto, we've kept the personal out of this matter, but-"

"So we should stop, because of them?" I asked sharply. "Or is that because it's for the good of the family?"

"I'm telling you to carefully consider your position," Viola said coldly. "Not because of your emotions themselves. What is, is. But do you intend to be open about your new relationship? Will it be covert? If you're somehow caught, what will you say and do? How long will this last? What happens when Shizuru goes to university? How will Shizuru present herself if eligible men approach her on social occasions, as will happen when she's recovered? Have you actually considered any of these things? Shizuru?" She took a breath, then closed her eyes. "Saaya. My fan, if you please. I'm afraid I'm becoming overwrought."

"I'm sorry, Okasama," Shizuru said uneasily. "Too much has happened for me to consider such details…"

I frowned. "They're just details, though. That doesn't change anything. If you're trying to wedge us apart just with that-"

"I'm not your enemy," Viola said calmly, fanning herself. She pushed a lock of her white hair back into place. "If this was a relationship with a boy, I would say the same thing. I don't know very much, but a clear understanding is for the best. Don't be fooled by simple romantic feelings. For your future, it's better if you consider these questions now. That way you'll both better understand your relationship and the exact situation, and know what to do." She closed her eyes. "The trouble with young people of every generation is that they rush into things without thinking. Better think now."

Shizuru blinked, then nodded. "I will bear your advice in mind, Okasama. Thank you very much."

Viola touched her cheek with the edge of her fan, glancing in our direction again. "The lessons we've taught you don't dissolve into nothing when romance is concerned. Though that's a distinctly unromantic notion, I know." She shrugged. "Well, for my part, I'm willing to trust myself to your convictions. My own feelings are irrelevant, so I'll simply be happy for my daughter."

Shizuru bowed her head. "Thank you very much."

I blinked for a moment, then imitated her. "Thank you very much."

"Not at all. Please take care of my daughter for now, Natsuki-chan." Viola smiled at me then turned her head away. "And for your part? Shinri?"

Shinri looked. "I have no opinion right now."

"Is that so? That's more than a little rare," Viola said, eyes narrowing slightly.

"I've learned many things, and I apparently lack your confidence and command," Shinri said, sounding like he doubted that. "So I'm going to consider everything in my own time. If I spoke now, I'd only disgrace myself."

"I see." Viola snapped her fan shut. "Then we will have to leave it at that for now. Are you going to go home?"

"I'm going to go for a walk," Shinri said. "I need it." He stood abruptly, striding towards the door. "At the least, I'll tell you when I intend to leave."

"I'll come with you," Viola said, standing. "That's the proper thing for me to do now."

Saaya rose, taking the fan from her and slipping it back into the folds of her kimono again. Very mysterious, I thought irrelevantly.

"So you say," Shinri said dubiously, walking towards the door.

"No matter what, though I'm willing to renounce you as I'm unworthy," Shizuru said suddenly, looking at him. They both stopped for a moment. "I admire you. And I love you. Okasama. Otousama."

"And we love you too," Viola said, turning and smiling reassuringly. "Honestly, if our bonds could completely lose to Natsuki-chan that easily we wouldn't be parents. And the other way, too."

"And me, as well," Saaya protested, folding her arms in mock-anger. "I feel very left out."

Shizuru smiled slightly. "I'm sorry. You too, Saaya."

Shinri opened the door, and her face fell. I frowned and turned my head, ready to say something-

"Shinri. Some things should be answered with courtesy," Viola said calmly.

"I'll acknowledge those feelings," Shinri said shortly, without looking round. "I also suspect I'm becoming a villain here. With reference to that, please judge my answer, and not my silence now."

Shizuru closed her eyes. "Yes, Tou-sama." She lowered her head.

He left. "Make sure Shizuru sleeps," Viola instructed, glancing in my direction. "Emotional struggle has yet to heal physical wounds."

I nodded slowly. "I will. And you-"

"I will take care of another person who's too earnest and forthright for his own good," Viola said briefly. "Thank you for everything."

"Don't get too carried away. You're both wounded." Saaya waved cheerfully, following Viola out.

"Honestly, that woman," I said, for the sake of saying something. "It's not like she can't read the mood…"

"It's her habit," Shizuru said, falling back. Her head hit the pillow and she closed her eyes.

I blinked, scrambling off the bed and glancing at her face. "Hey!"

"I'm okay. I'm just tired. Very tired." Shizuru opened her eyes, glancing sideways at me. "I'm sorry, Natsuki. Because of me, you've been put through another difficult circumstance."

Always with the apologies. But it's not funny right now, you know, this is so serious. I took her hand again. "No. I think it might have been me who went too far this time…"

Shizuru shook her head slightly. "I was going to come to this anyway. If Otousama let me talk for that long, at least."

I gritted my teeth. "He's being too unreasonable this time around."

"It's within expectations. No, from the beginning I knew he'd react this way." Shizuru closed her eyes. "He's an outstanding person, so of course he'd hate me."

"An outstanding person wouldn't hurt you this much," I said irritably. "Besides that, are you a masochist? He's that important to you, so why did you tell him everything to begin with?" I stared at her with the hesitation of incomprehension. "Just telling him the general circumstances of the Hime would have been fine, right?"

"I wonder," Shizuru murmured, looking up at the ceiling. "It was very hard to bear, being a fraud. Never more than now he was treating me like a hero. Though I can't say this feels very pleasant now."

I sighed, smiling weakly. "Idiot. Well, I admire your conviction, as Viola would say…"

"It's a phrase you can say whether or not you agree with someone," Shizuru said, smiling weakly. "It's a little sly of her."

"Yeah, but she supports us, right?" I said. Yeah, I should probably concentrate on the positives. "She can be kinda harsh, but she's a good person, isn't she?"

"She does support us," Shizuru said. "Though she also wants to ensure that I do things properly, for the family. And also for us." She drew a ragged breath. "And, to her, I'm still her daughter…"

"Of course," I said reassuringly. "She's human, right? And pretty scary, actually. She'll bring the old man round, I know it."

"Okasama won't insist on anything. That's the basis of everything. When you have a relationship between two strong-willed individuals, agreeing to disagree is essential-" Shizuru broke off when I giggled. "What?"

"Nothing," I said, smiling wanly. "It's a little familiar, that's all."

"Ara? Are things between Mai-chan and Tate-kun really that tense?"

I flicked her on the forehead. "Idiot," I said affectionately.

Shizuru smiled back. "Yes. I know what you mean, actually. It's a little alarming."

"Yeah, well. Things will work out somehow. We've come this far, right?" I tried to grin encouragingly. "It'll definitely be okay."

"Thank you." Shizuru closed her eyes. "Though all the same, I understand him…"

"You understand everyone," I said, sighing.

"That's not what I mean." Shizuru glanced at me, smiling. "It's okay, though. I'll manage regardless. It's not like I didn't understand…"

I gave her a cynical look. "You know, it's okay to be upset or mad."

"I know. But I'm okay." Shizuru blinked several times, staring at the ceiling. "It isn't a problem. In any case, Okasama's right, isn't she? I guess I should have remembered my more prudent side a little more. But, it can't be helped, right?"

"It can't be helped," I assured her. "It's not like any of this has been easy for us, so we shouldn't let them make us forget that. We're just managing, somehow. Knowing what we know."

"I suppose so," Shizuru said, sounding gloomy again.

"In any case, we can talk about it later, right?" I said as cheerfully as I could. "We should go to Kyoto again, or something, too. There's lot we have to do, and thinking about the future is only one of them. But we heal up first, I guess. It's kinda dull."

"I never did get to wear that swimsuit," Shizuru said mournfully.

"Oh, come on," I said. "Cheer up. It's not like you're dead, right?"

"Well, yes, but I'm expecting massive scarring of my midriff," Shizuru said, looking up at the ceiling. "Not popular at the beach."

"Oh." I tried to think of something say to that, and failed. And my arm, too.

"Is this punishment, I wonder?" Shizuru mused. "If it wasn't for you, I'd say I'd got off lightly, but you didn't deserve this-"

I prodded her forehead impatiently. "It's not a matter of deserving or not, already. What we all deserve is peaceful days, but we haven't been that lucky before now."

"You're right. I'm just thinking aloud." Shizuru raised her head experimentally, then let it fall again. "Though there's a price for every action…"

"You should get some sleep," I advised sympathetically. "It's getting hard to stay awake, right?"

"I'm tired," Shizuru said. "But I won't be able to sleep right now, all the same. Besides that, I need to wait for Otousama's answer."

"He'll just wake up when he's back, right?" I said, trying to sound confident. "Or, hell, I'll do that if you want me to. But I'm sure you'd be better off after some sleep."

Damnit, this reassurance stuff is really, really hard. How do Shizuru and Mai do it again?

"I'm not sure I'd have happy dreams." Shizuru frowned slightly. "You know, actually, my dreams had been getting better. Even with everything going on. Or perhaps I've just stopped remembering them so well."

"I'll stay with you, if you like," I said awkwardly. It was the only thing that occurred to me.

Shizuru glanced at me for a moment, and I thought she was going to make some comment preceded by 'ara'. But then she smiled and looked away. "Thank you. Maybe just until Otousama comes back."

And if he doesn't? That's not something I can say.

"I guess you're really worried about him, after all," I said, half to myself.

"Yes." Shizuru looked at me with the sincerity of the stupid or tired. "Do you ever worry about you father?"

I looked away, frowning. "I'm probably the wrong person to talk to, in this situation."

"There's no way that could be true," Shizuru said softly.

I sighed. "Is that so? Well, I feel that way."

"I'm sorry to impose on you."

"Idiot." I sighed, biting my lip. "It's just that this really isn't my style, just sitting around. It makes me feel awkward."

Shizuru giggled. "Is that so? Then don't let me hold you back."

"It's not like that," I said, suppressing a yawn. Damnit, but it's not like I'm well either.

"Okay. It's just that you're right. You're always happier when you're doing something."

"Well, I suppose so." I gave her an awkward look, feeling slightly guilty. "But if you're happier when I'm with you-"

Shizuru chuckled. "Ara. Natsuki's become used to this."

I flushed slightly. "Of course," I said defensively. "It's not like I don't know, right? Besides, it's normal."

"That so." Shizuru touched my arm. "Even so, I wouldn't stop you. You're too cute."

"I don't even know how that relates to anything," I said, embarrassed. I looked away, folding my arms, then sighed.

"Maybe I should go to sleep, after all," Shizuru said quietly.

I gave up, and stood. I didn't know whether I should or I shouldn't, but maybe this is the only thing I can do. "I'm going out for a bit," I said awkwardly.

"Do you need to rest?" Shizuru asked.

I shook my head. "I'm going to talk to the old man."

"Hmm. I thought it might be something like that…"

"You okay with that?" I asked nervously. "I mean, I'm not very adept at this. It's not like I'm you or anything. But it feels like I have to do something, right?"

"It would be very much appreciated," Shizuru said. She gestured. "I can't do anything like this… though even if I could move, I'm not sure whether there's anything I can say."

"You'd think of something. I'll think of something." I nodded at her. "Get some sleep, and I'll do what I can, anyway. I'll drag him back here if I have to, right?"

Shizuru nodded slightly and waved. "I'll be waiting."

I glanced at her for a moment, caught with another moment's hesitation, then knelt down and kissed her briefly on the cheek. My hair fell awkwardly, so I pushed it back, and when I stood up I was flushing. I guess I haven't got used to these things yet. "Later," I said awkwardly, turning and walking towards the door.

Shizuru giggled slightly but said nothing, which made me feel a little foolish. But it was a warm feeling, too, I guess. At least I made her smile.

I wiped the foolish look off my face when I stepped outside and looked around. Yeah, it's not like I know where the old bastard went.

I was also surprised to see that the ninja were still there, guarding the doors to our rooms. "Good evening," I said, blinking.

His eyes flickered sideways to regard me. He nodded slightly.

"Uh…" I blinked slightly. "Don't the staff here start to worry about nurses standing outside our doors all day without moving?"

"Don't worry. Fujino-sama has taken care of everything."

"Oh, really?" I asked, blinking again. I wonder how much that cost.

He nodded again, facing straight forwards.

"So I guess you heard everything, right?" I said suddenly. He didn't reply to that. I guess it's not in his job description. "Never mind. Do you know which way the old bastard- Shinri Fujino-sama went?"

"That way," the ninja said, pointing down the corridor.

"I will guide you," the one outside my door said, walking towards me.

"Oh, there's no need," I said hurriedly.

He walked past me and carried on without looking back. I sighed and started to follow him. They sure have selective hearing.

Well, it's okay, I guess. They're ninja. It's not like they're people for my purposes. That's kinda what they've been telling me, as well.

No wonder Akira turned out weird.

I despise hospitals, though. The long corridors reminded me. I lost a year of my life to their gaping maws, and I've never held any particular desire to return. Seeing Shizuru like she is right now is almost my worst nightmare, but she's alive. In any case, I can deal with it. They're not spiders or anything. I'll never be able to look at those things the same way again. Or snakes, come to that.

Even if we tell other people, they won't understand. That's what pisses me off about this situation. Unless you've been there, you won't understand. And no one's ever going to be there again, at least in theory. Even so, he's going to upset Shizuru if he keeps on like this. Because she's honest, and he's honest, about the important things. Somehow it feels like this should be an avoidable circumstance, but I'm damned if I can think of how.

The ninja stopped and nodded at me. When I looked past him, the three of them were there, silent, sitting on couches by a couple of vending machines. A place for guests resting, or something? Whatever.

Saaya glanced up and nodded at me. She tapped Viola on the shoulder.

"Evening," I said roughly.

Viola just nodded without saying anything. Shinri was facing away from me, and didn't say anything for a moment. "Kuga, then?"

"Shizuru's trying to get some sleep," I said, glancing at Viola. "She's okay, just tired. Though she's waiting for you," I said, without looking round. "You should hurry up."

"Is that so?" Shinri asked shortly.

I glanced at Viola, who seemed to catch my gaze. She just shrugged, and I took that to mean do as you please. So I stepped forwards slightly.

This would be easier if I'd thought of what to say beforehand. I never think these things through.

Maybe kicking him in the shin was a bad idea, too. But it felt really good.

Something sprang to mind, so I went with it. "When I was just a kid, my mother died trying to save my life," I said, glancing at Shinri's neck. "She was killed by the First District. And I spent most of my life remembering her, and trying to avenge her."

"I know."

"But that was a lie. I found out during the Carnival. Actually, she abandoned me. No, she sold me to Searrs, and the First District stopped her. And everything I'd done until that point had been completely pointless."

"Do you want sympathy?" he asked coolly.

I snorted. "No. I'm giving you advice. Maybe you could try listening."

"I'm not sure if I want to hear that from you."

"Yes, sure, I'm young, so plainly I'm stupid. Or is this just bias?" I folded my arms. "To be honest, I could care less about your prejudices. But bear one thing in mind. Shizuru and I, we've seen things you'll never see, and done things you'll never do, and felt things you never will. That's just how it is. She stopped being your innocent daughter a long time ago. Shizuru is Shizuru, though."

Shinri snorted slightly, but didn't say anything.

"And my mother was my mother. I decided a while back that I'd believe in her memory, regardless of what she'd done. What she meant to me. I'd believe in that."

"You could just forgive her that?" Shinri asked sourly.

"Forgiving, or not forgiving… I just want to get on with my own life. I'm through with letting my emotions hold me back." I snorted. "Well, I could care less. But I won't forgive you if you don't treat Shizuru decently. Whatever she's done to others, she's done nothing to you. It's not your place to hate her. You haven't earned that right."

He didn't say anything again.

I shrugged and turned away. "Bear it in mind. I don't have anything more to say than that."

I waited for another moment, but he didn't say anything more. So I started to walk back the way I'd come. Shit.

"Tell my daughter something. I'll expect her to play for me when she gets back."

My head snapped round but I bit back any urgent reply. "Sure. Whatever," I said, with calculated disdain. "Oh, and you still owe me kenjutsu lessons. Don't forget it."

"It will be a long time before they can resume," Shinri pointed out. "I don't teach cripples."

I smirked. "You don't? Then who were those useless bastards you were teaching that one time?"

"So, you're going home?" Viola asked.

Shinri stood. "Ah. I'll take care of things my end. You take care of things here."

"Of course. There's no need to say that." Viola stood, slipping her hands into her sleeves. "It's for the family, after all."

"Yes. Good night."

She smiled. "Good night."

I turned away again, trying not to smile. I shouldn't have to be grateful just for this.

But it has meaning for Shizuru, so I can't help it at all.


	72. Chapter 72

**Windows of the Soul: Part Seventy-Two**

Well, one exam done, and some more to go. But I have to do something in my spare time, after all.

* * *

Unfortunately, my body had become adept at a detached pattern of brief sleep, awakening, and then sleep again. So when the time came for sleep in the period intended for functional human beings, I woke more times than I could count to a dark and silent room. I won't trouble myself to recall the thoughts of those times, because it's impossible for anyone to be optimistic in a hospital bed at one in the morning. With tubes in your arm. You think about strange things in the dark, but the harshness and the memories of what had just happened aggravated my thoughts. Perhaps I should be grateful for my current condition. If I weren't naturally and heavily tired, I'd surely sit up all night, staring at the ceiling and dwelling on unpleasant things. And perhaps I'd lust for cold air and cold water to banish such thoughts, if only my body could handle it. At the least, I seriously need a wash.

But none of these things can be helped. When I woke for a certain time, a large number, it was lighter outside, and I felt more clear-headed than I had done in a long, long time. Well, since I'd woken from my two-day hiatus from consciousness. A clock said it was 4:03, so I lay back again and prepared for another effort at sleep.

But I'd been sleeping for two and a half days, tired or no, and there are limits. Or at least, I felt a cramping restlessness that made simplifying lying back and trying to go to sleep again difficult. Okasama and Saaya weren't here, I noted. Well, I can't expect anyone to be up at this point.

Would they still come? Perhaps they'd gone home. Well, Okasama is kind, or in another way unkind… she wants to protect me, at least. I can't have any expectations, though.

Sometimes, I don't know what to believe. Otousama's words haunt me, but it's not just his criticism that cuts deep. I also recall his praise. I killed two men with my own sword, not by accident or in regret but in the fullness of my serene killing intentions. It was, if self-defence, murder in self-defence. And that is praised. Oh, to protect, to defend my loved ones, I understand. What they began, I am justified in finishing, and speaking as a warrior, by taking up arms against me they implicitly allow themselves to fall by arms without regrets. In the same way, their deaths were a practical necessity and also an emotionally comprehensible act. Few, perhaps, would condemn me for it. Otousama praised me.

They're still dead.

Is it commendable or demonic to be able to raise a weapon in a situation like that and strike, not just without hesitation, but with a spiritual clarity that I've never felt in any other circumstance? Save in the Carnival, when my feelings were the same, at least in my memory. Only when Natsuki faced me did I come alive, and even then I felt such purpose that mere words were meaningless.

So, on that subject, what is there to say? What would my parents do in that situation? I wish I could believe they would fight the arranged destiny with will and conviction, but I'm not so naïve as to simply say that would be so as a matter of faith. Okasama's always differentiated between family and others, even more than a normal person does. And as for Otousama, he has always taught me to fight decisively and firmly for the people you care about. It's possible they'd fight the others as I did for my reasons. It's even possible they might destroy the First District in the same way. Neither of them relish those powers that lie over this world, Searrs and otherwise. So I can't simply differentiate my family from my own actions. But what I did to Natsuki was completely different, completely unforgivable, a violation of everything the Fujino- no, every decent person- stands for. So there's no doubt in my mind that I stand in the shadows, whether people forgive me or not.

But I can't know the meaning of the rest of my actions, and I can't ask. It would be too much a rationalisation, an ugly advocacy for uglier actions. As the guilty one, I'm only allowed to confess, but not to speak. It has to be this way.

At the least, I am still their daughter. It's more than I deserve. I feel I should hate myself for that, but I can't. It's getting harder to wish misery on myself now, and I can't tell whether that's a good or a bad thing. Ultimately, I'm still a tainted or guilty person. But I live, draw breath, laugh and smile and cry, I'm human and in love and little changed from how I had been before the Carnival, in basic terms. Oh, what lies beneath is completely different, informed by my guilt and self-knowledge. But I'm still myself, Shizuru Fujino. And life goes on. If I'd been an ordinary person in an ordinary situation, I'd surely go to prison for my entire life. But I can't dwell on those things, because I have to worry about my wounds, and Natsuki's arm, and the studying she still has to do, and what Otousama's going to decide, and whether I'll be able to leave the hospital as soon as I would like. I can't condemn myself because living keeps getting in the way.

I decided to start thinking about something else. At this I'd only upset myself even more, and Natsuki wouldn't forgive me if I did something like that. I need to be good for her, even in my head.

So I tried to think of something proactive I could think about instead. I ended up sitting up in bed, breathing slowly and testing my own health. This time, my sight was clear enough, though my stomach still ached. But it was duller now, and the pain receded quickly enough. I felt… surprisingly well, on the whole. Not that you could call this well, but it was a dramatic improvement and didn't involve the side effects of touching on emotionally volatile topics to keep you awake.

I can't be happy with such simple things, though. I need to hurry up and recover, for a variety of reasons. I don't know how possible that is, but at least I can test the theory. I looked around experimentally, and decided to rationally catalogue what I could and couldn't do. To begin with, I wasn't going to prod my stomach any time soon. Just laying my palm against it, though, didn't prompt more than a slight twinge, which wasn't too bad. I had a full range of movement in my neck and arms, certainly. The only constraints on my movements there were the tubes, and they had several meters worth of give, which was fortunate. Even then, if I expended enough effort I should be able to move the stands around a little. But the problem area, predictably enough, was in my abdominal region and lower. If I twisted to either side or otherwise moved, my stomach did hurt for a while, but the motions were possible. My legs could also move with a full range of movements without problems. Most importantly, my spine felt completely fine, which was a mercy. On the whole, I'd got off amazingly lightly, considering the potential damage I could have taken. If he'd aimed a foot or so higher, I would probably have died.

Positive thoughts. I'm supposed to be concentrating on them right now.

As for the rest, my limbs were stiff, which is the least one can expect from massive overexertion followed by a two-day coma. Most of my bruises had already faded; including the stresses put on my hands from using my katana. There weren't really any secondary injuries. My instinct or my luck, whichever, they'd managed to keep me far safer than you could expect.

Though I can't help but feel that if only Ikuru had been a touch jumpier, or had fired one more shot before that point, I wouldn't be injured at all.

I took a few calm breaths, collecting myself, then slid sideways and dropped my legs over the edge of the bed. Nothing bad happened, so after self-consciously checking my surroundings again, I tentatively stood. I blinked rapidly as the blood drained from my head, leaving me so dizzy I almost fell. I sank back onto the bed, touching my forehead and closing my eyes until the sensation had receded. After that, I stood again, and this time it was a lot easier. I still staggered slightly, as my legs felt heavy and weak, barely able to support me, and my midriff protested at the abrupt reimposition of duty, but I was standing. And I edged around the bed to move closer to the stands, giving myself enough room to take a few steps in any direction. It was a little tiring, I'll admit. But more importantly, it worked. I could walk, if I had to, though it probably wouldn't be a good idea to spend a whole day wandering around Kyoto for a few more days yet.

It's good to know your limits, and better to overcome them.

The door slid open. I turned hurriedly and tried to get back into bed, before giving up and settling for simply sitting down.

"Hard at work, Shizuru-chan?" Saaya asked wryly.

"You still haven't taken to knocking even when it would be appropriate," I replied, sighing. "It's a little troublesome…"

"What's going on?" Okasama asked curiously.

"Shizuru-chan was standing," Saaya said. "It's a little impressive, actually."

"Really?"

I nodded, standing again to prove that I could. "I told you, I'll heal quickly," I said, trying to reassure her.

"That's all very well, but we put you down there for a reason," a strange voice said, stepping in behind the two other women. "I'd appreciate if you didn't undo that good work all at once."

I blinked, taking in the woman. Almost as tall as Okasama, with short dark hair and severe eyes. Doctor, presumably. Compared to a nurse, the aura is different, as it were. "I'm sorry," I said, sitting again. "I was just curious. I am Shizuru Fujino."

"I know," the doctor said absently, stepping past Okasama and inspecting the tubing. "You didn't break anything, did you?"

"Shizuru, this is Juri Sakurai-sensei. She's been looking after you these past few days." Okasama turned to face the doctor, smiling. "I'm sorry for my daughter's carelessness. She has her father's stubborn streak to her…"

"Not at all," Sakurai-sensei said absently, walking around the bed and standing above me. "In any case, it's far too early for you to move. Lie down for now."

I nodded demurely and lay back, frowning slightly. A doctor, huh? Once upon a time, I wanted to do things like this, but it's not nearly so interesting to have it done to you. I have three parents as it is. Well. Four, if you count Natsuki's scolding too.

Sakurai-sensei unbuttoned my shirt, which made me flush slightly and look away. This is very discomforting, after all. I lack control over this situation. She frowned, touching my stomach briefly, then checked my pulse and breathing. "Hmm. You're very lucky. Your condition is far better than it could have been. You do exercise regularly, if I recall…"

"Kenjutsu," I said briefly, looking nervously up at her.

"Quite so," Sakurai-sensei said, turning away and inspecting the tubes again. "You have a vigorous heart. And the entry wound has basically sealed itself. On the whole, you're in remarkable shape."

"That's good," I said, buttoning up my shirt again. My fingers had regained their dexterity, at least.

"We just need to make sure you haven't been infected," Sakurai-sensei reflected. "And track the progress of the damage to your stomach."

"Wonderful," I said ironically.

"Isn't it?" She wandered off to the corner, and started gathering things from the shelves.

"That was very bad of you, Shizuru," Okasama chided, crossing the room and sitting down. "Though I'm very glad, all the same. You sound a lot better."

"She's got some of her colour back, too," Saaya remarked. "Well, insofar as she had to begin with…"

"That's a little unfair," I said sulkily, lying back.

"And her head's a lot clearer, too, which is a little worrying for me right now," Saaya said, smiling. "Maybe she'll go to sleep again."

"I'm still awake right now," I pointed out, smiling back. And, yes, I really was feeling better, after all. Sleep, interrupted or not, makes all the difference.

"Just as long as you're not forcing yourself," Okasama said. "You need to be good, okay? Though I know Shinri would be reckless too."

"I was just trying to see if I could walk a little," I replied. "It isn't like I was doing anything too risky, after all."

"Well, I suppose so," Okasama said, sighing. "But listen to Sakurai-sensei, okay? It's only polite."

I nodded. "Of course."

"Don't worry about it," Sakurai-sensei said. "If she goes too far, she'll just loose consciousness anyway."

"Well, of course," Okasama said, trying to sound natural. She gave me an apologetic look. "Did you sleep well?"

"I slept okay," I said. "I woke up quite a bit, but I was mostly just fine. It's nothing to worry about."

"Well, if you say so. I know there's a lot going on, but don't stop looking after yourself, either," Okasama said. "Your health is the most important thing right now, after all."

I nodded slightly, looking away. "Will Otousama be able to visit again tonight?"

"I'm not sure," Okasama said cautiously. "I know he's worried, but he's very busy right now, I'm afraid. At least, when the media interest dies down this will be easier."

"I see," I said quietly. Best if I accept that excuse, or else I'd upset her. "That's too bad. I hope he isn't working himself too hard again…"

"Again?" Saaya asked lightly. "Did he ever stop?"

Okasama giggled. "Probably not. Not that I can remember, any time recently, at least. I suppose I'm not much better, though."

"Are you fine here, Okasama?" I asked, remembering. "This must be difficult for you. If you'd rather go home, I wouldn't mind. No, I'd have less to worry about."

"You'll have to forgive me, but this is the first time I've been outside the house for an extended period for quite some time," Okasama replied. "And in any case, I have to watch over you, after all. Please don't worry. This is what I want to do."

I nodded slightly. "Then thank you. How about the others? Are they all still fine?"

"As fine as you'd expect them to be," Okasama said. "They're amazingly resilient, for children. Though if that story's true, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised."

"I'm sure they're more worried about you," I said. "You had to experience a very unpleasant thing because of us."

"Oh, don't worry about me," Okasama said lightly. "I couldn't see anything, so I was fine. Or, more seriously, I can deal with that kind of pressure. Who do you think I am, Shizuru?"

I nodded. "You're right, I suppose. In any case, I shouldn't apologise for it."

"I'm beginning," Sakurai-sensei warned, glancing back at me. "And this may take a while."

"Yes."

I thought she was only saying that, at the time. But, well, she wasn't. I began to wish I could just go back to sleep again.

* * *

I woke from a bad dream, and stared up at the ceiling in a worse mood. It's bad enough that the world hates me and everything I try to do. You think it'd at least have the decency to leave my rest inviolate.

Sometimes I think I prefer it this way, though. It makes me remember I'm still alive, or something. At least, once upon a time, I relied on those feelings. My past, and my present… I guess I'm less different from Shizuru than I'd like, in some ways. Though I protest, it's not as easy as I'd like to leave it behind. That's why I have to try all the harder.

With effort, I pushed myself up with my left arm and looked around the peaceful room. You know, I almost miss being woken by the sight of someone completely inappropriate sitting and waiting. Sure, the Fujino have no sense of privacy, but I guess it made me feel a little important. But now they have to Shizuru to worry about, even more than before. And I have to get better as fast as I can, too, or at least get released. I'm only really hanging around here because of Shizuru. Is that the best thing to do? Or maybe I should go back now and confront the old man at his house? It feels like I could talk some sense into him if only he gave me the time. He's proud, but at least that makes him feel obliged to listen to others, not the reverse. He's too stubborn not to listen to reason. It'd make him feel annoyed if he didn't. But I might overdo it, too, and I'd certainly annoy him.

Hell, the others are staying at the house. If Reito knew, he'd probably do something similar. He'd probably even be more effective than I'd be, because he's nominally less involved. It's not like he's better than me or anything. But I guess Shinri wouldn't just talk about it, after all.

I sighed to myself. Honestly, Shizuru. I mean, this had to happen, but you have an unfortunate sense of timing. At least wait until we can move around, and talk, and things like that. It's a little important.

I twiddled the fingers of my right hand experimentally; glad to see they were fully working. On the first day, I'd stopped feeling them after a while, but it looks like they're back. I don't know whether I could move my arm or not, but I guess I'd better not try. I just have to wait, and see how well it will heal. They aren't optimistic, and I'm not looking forwards to life with one functional hand.

Though if you look at it another way, a lot of things have been called impossible. I haven't lost yet. So I, at least, can try to be optimistic.

Speaking of optimism, maybe I should go check on Shizuru. It'd give me something to do, at least. I slid my legs out from under the covers and stood, careful to spare my right side. I tucked my borrowed shirt down with my left hand, frowning at the awkwardness of the motion, then walked towards the door and opened it.

I narrowly avoided colliding with Mai, and stepped back quickly. "Hey. What are you here for?"

"Checking on you, of course," Mai said, smiling on me. "More importantly, why are you up?"

"I was going to see Shizuru," I said, turning away.

"Honestly, you're surprisingly sappy at times," Mai said, poking me on my good arm.

"Oh, shut up," I said tiredly. "It's just pragmatic. She need to be looked after, you know?"

"Well, you'd know better than me," Mai said. "But I glanced in before coming here, actually. She's in the middle of an examination of some kind, and Viola-san and Saaya-san are both there too."

"They are? That's good." I sighed, sitting back down on my bed again. "I guess I'll just wait it out, then. She'd probably rather that was kept private."

Mai doubled back, closing the door. "Perhaps. How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," I said. "At the least, this wound is localised. The rest of me is fine. I'm really sticking around just to look after Shizuru, when I think about it. I could have gone home yesterday or something."

"Oh?" Mai asked, raising her eyebrows slightly. She grabbed one of their chairs and placed it opposite me, before sitting down. "In any case, it's nice, isn't it? Private medical care. It makes me a little jealous."

"Right? It's really something," I agreed. "Don't say that to Shizuru, though. She's sensitive about being rich as it is."

"I'll bear that in mind. Well, considering how well we're all being treated, I can't complain at all," Mai said.

"In any case, what are you doing here?" I asked. "It's a little early, isn't it?"

"We come early. The others are here too, by the way. I just sent them to keep Mikoto entertained." Mai chuckled. "She's completely frustrated, you know? If we weren't here to entertain her constantly, she'd be chewing through the walls. It's pretty worrying. But Reito's taking good care of her."

"That girl sure gets spoilt," I said, sighing. "If I acted half my age, would everyone pay attention to me, instead?"

"Would anyone notice a difference?" Mai asked innocently.

I picked up my pillow with my left hand and threw it at her. "Yeah, yeah. But what are you doing _here_?"

"Checking on the other kid," Mai said, lowering the cushion. "But you're the same as ever. I suppose I shouldn't have worried."

"Well, I guess so," I said cautiously. I decided not to mention the parent thing for now. "How was Shinri?"

"Him? You mean recently?" Mai blinked. "Well, the same as ever on the surface, but he's been very worried. It makes sense, really."

"I meant last night, if you saw him at all then," I corrected. "But never mind."

Mai gave me a strange look. "When we got back he was busy with his work. So, the same as ever. Did something happen?"

"Never mind," I repeated, shaking my head. "More importantly, did you hear about the reasons behind the attack?"

Mai nodded, sobering slightly. "Reito told me everything. I don't really want to think about it."

I nodded slightly. "It's a big problem. I can't believe I'm trusting to Yamada and the old man to save our asses."

"Yep. You wouldn't know, actually, but it's very busy there now. Members of Akira-kun's family are there, and people Shinri-san knows as well." Mai shrugged, smiling weakly. "All I can do is stay out of their way, I'm afraid. It makes me feel a little redundant."

"It can't be helped," I said. "It's best to let them deal with everything, right?"

"I know. But even so. Though I say I don't really want to think about it, I have to, don't I?" Mai observed quietly. "It's our lives at stake, so it's not like we have a choice."

"I suppose so," I admitted. It was rather hard to argue with that.

"So I've been thinking and think about it, but I still don't know what to do," Mai confessed. "Really, there isn't anything very much I can do, is there? Before, we could do something. But now I'm the person who makes lunches."

"That's fine, isn't it?" I asked. "Hopefully, this will be dealt with and we can all get on with our lives."

"Do you really think so?" Mai asked quietly. "We're not going to stop being Hime, after all. Well, ex-Hime."

"Yes. But that doesn't mean anyone will come after us."

"That doesn't mean they won't, either," Mai said stubbornly. "You've already taken precautions, haven't you?"

"A little," I admitted, remembering my gun locked up at home. Yeah, a fat lot of use that had been. I really needed to find a reliable hiding place for it on me.

"That's why I want you to promise me something," Mai said.

"What is it?" I asked cautiously.

"Please teach me how to fight."

I blinked at her, but she just looked at me with a frown, and her determined eyes. I'd seen that look a lot before. "In what way?"

"Anything's fine," Mai said. "But really, I want you to teach me where to get a gun, and how to use it. That's the most important thing, right?"

"Hey, this is a public hospital," I warned quietly. "This stuff isn't exactly legal… and that's a good reason why you shouldn't."

"Does that really matter?" Mai asked.

I stared at her, trying to make sense of this. "I know you're scared, but-"

"Yes, I'm scared," Mai said steadily. "But isn't a matter of being scared. In that situation, I couldn't do anything at all. Even at the end, I just had to pray that you'd all win. And you all got hurt protecting us. I was useless, though. I'm not going to be in that situation again."

"Well, I can understand that," I said cautiously. "But-"

"But what?" Mai asked sharply.

Oh, boy. I tried to work out what to say, then decided to break for honesty. "Well, I can teach you, maybe," I said. "There's not much teaching to do anyway. Point and shoot, it's all I ever did. Keep doing it and you get better at it. But I'm not sure it's a good idea, all the same. I'm not sure it's necessary."

"You're not sure it isn't necessary," Mai pointed out.

"Well, yes," I admitted. "But, basically, you're different from us, okay?"

"Worse?"

"Not worse," I said, sighing. "I didn't say that. Probably better. But for us… Shizuru, me, Mikoto… I don't know. We all have something, right. Akira, too. Well, basically it comes down to the fact that we can kill people." I narrowed my eyes at her. "Because that's what we're talking about here. Bear that in mind."

"I know that," Mai said. "You don't have to tell me. I'm serious about this."

I looked for doubts and found them, but she was still looking at me in her determined way. "You shouldn't take this too lightly. The difference between watching your Child kill someone and doing it with your own hands is huge, okay? I know."

"So do I. I'll just have to bear with it, right?"

I nodded slightly. "Can't the ninja teach you? I'm not exactly well right now."

"I've already asked. They won't. So I came to you." Mai snorted. "It's not like I'm not involved in all of this."

"Then ask Akira," I suggested. "Have you done that?"

"Not yet," she admitted.

"Are you really fine with the others knowing? Takumi? Tate?"

"It's not like I'm proud of this or anything," Mai said, looking away. "But it doesn't seem like I really have a choice, okay? If I don't want to be a hopeless little girl any more."

"Just bare in mind, you're the innocent one," I said. "No one wants to see you give that up."

"I know what it's like when loved ones die," Mai said. "I haven't forgotten."

I sighed, closing my eyes. That was also hard to argue with. "Okay. When I'm better, we'll talk about this again. If you're still serious about it, I'll see what I can do. Don't mention this to the others, though. It's going to be our secret."

Mai nodded. "Thank you. I appreciate it."

"Just remember that firing at a target and firing at a person don't translate very well," I said briefly. "I can teach one but not the other. If you can't do the latter, it doesn't matter how much you've trained."

"I'll manage. I'm also a Hime, aren't I?" Mai frowned. "You shouldn't be so quick as all that to call me an innocent person."

I frowned, looking away. "I guess so. But don't lose sight of the rest of your life, too."

"Hey, right back at you," Mai said. "You're the same age as me, so enough with the wise old warrior thing." She smirked. "Though I've got one for you. Don't forget about your friends just because of Shizuru-san, okay?"

I flushed, glaring at her. "That's enough. It's a public hospital, isn't it?"

Mai giggled. "That part of you hasn't really changed, after all. I guess I'll just have to give you some more time."

"I've said this before, but you really aren't one to get too smug," I said, sighing. "In any case, I've still got a lot to worry about."

"Really? Well, it must be tough," Mai said sympathetically. "You've chosen a tough path."

It felt like she was making an effort to pretend our earlier conversation didn't happen. Not like I minded or anything.

"It's not like I did that deliberately," I retorted. "Things just turned out this way, somehow. If everyone else is making our lives hard that's not something I really care about."

"Well, even if you say that, I admire you a little," Mai said. "Though you've always done things this way, I suppose."

"Like I said, it's nothing to be admired," I said. "And in any case, I have big problems. Shizuru told her parents everything last night."

Mai blinked. "Oh. Wow. That must be awkward."

I caught her gaze. "_Everything,_" I emphasised slowly.

"Oh." Mai looked away. "So that's why… is that going to be okay, what with everything…" She trailed off.

"It'll be fine," I said firmly. "I'll deal with it. Though, it seems like Viola and Saaya are okay with things, more or less. Whatever you want to make of that."

"I don't know if I can do anything, but if there is anything, tell me," Mai said. "We're all cheering for you. More or less."

"Thanks for the encouragement," I said tiredly. "Either way, I doubt you can do anything. I'm not sure if I can do anything, either. And that kinda pisses me off."

"That's really tough for you," Mai said sympathetically. "Well, I'll see of I can think of anything. I take it this is a secret, right?"

"Right. Though Shizuru'll probably tell Reito next time she sees him anyway," I said, sighing. "Well, I guess it makes her feel better…"

Mai smiled. "Reito is a good person. You shouldn't worry so much."

"If he is, it isn't for the want of trying otherwise," I said, shrugging. "But I shouldn't go on about this. You have to go back to Mikoto, right?"

"Well, I suppose so." Mai smiled. "And you're going to check on Shizuru-san, after all?"

"I'm just stretching my legs, that's all," I said, standing. "You can say all you like to me, but I'm not Shizuru, Shizuru, all the time. So you don't have to see things that way either."

Mai smiled. "Then I'm sure I'm sorry. I'll let you have your walk, then."

"See you."

"See you later."

I waited until she was gone, then walked one door down the corridor, nodded to the ninja nurse, and opened the door.


	73. Chapter 73

**Windows of the Soul: Part Seventy-Three**

I feel sorry for this poor hospital. But I'm sure the Fujino will buy it a new wing or something to apologise.

* * *

"I'm sorry, Shizuru. Sakurai-sensei is a genius, and picked out by Shinri for this purpose, but her bedside manner is a little…"

"Not at all," I assured her. "It's fine. I can't expect much more. I'm sure I'm a troubling parent."

"Don't apologise too vigorously, Shizuru-chan," Saaya said. "This room wasn't cheap, you know?"

"And as irked as Sakurai-sensei may be by having to condescend to treating mere mortals, she's being well-recompensed for her time," Okasama said. "Though that's going a little far, perhaps, but I can't restrain the thought."

"Otousama arranged this?" I asked quietly.

"We both arranged it," Okasama said reproachfully. "These aren't minor injuries, or a condition where we can go halfway on anything. Nor is it a condition where I'll apologise for essaying our resources. Any parent would, had they but the chance."

"In any case, Shinri worked hard as well," Saaya said pointedly. "And for the others, too. That's part of our responsibility."

"I'm still further indebted to you," I said. "Thank you for your kindness."

"We are family, Shizuru," Okasama pointed out.

"Which means you'll pay us back by initiating a hostile take-over of Searrs when we're all senile, and setting us up for the rest of our days," Saaya said, raising a hand. "So don't feel too badly about it, no?"

I giggled. "I suppose so. I'll see what I can do, if you'll let me."

"I'm afraid you won't escape your responsibilities any time soon, Shizuru," Okasama said. "Though I hope that's also your will."

"I will become a worthy heir to the Fujino family, or as worthy as I could ever be," I said, sitting up and looking at her. "Though I have many flaws, I at least have that conviction…"

"Conviction is a fine thing, but every person has many, not one," Okasama reminded me, sitting down in her chair and turning to face her borrowed desk again. "That's the difference between us and beasts."

I nodded, wincing slightly at the allusion. "Yes, Okasama."

"Though sometimes it is also necessary to become a beast, if that is the weight of your conviction," Okasama said ambiguously. Saaya opened the laptop and turned it on. "But if two of your convictions conflict, Shizuru, what is a person to do?"

"Act on them both, and reconcile them with your own power," I said briefly. I understand these things, having seen the perfect clarity of hell.

Okasama giggled softly, touching her lips. "A very Shinri-like answer, so he'd surely approve. Nor are you wrong, if such a thing is possible. And if it isn't?"

"It would probably be best to carry on trying until it becomes possible," I said simply. "The alternative is to realise an impossibility, which is also possible."

"Conviction and logic are indeed very far distant," Saaya said, giving me an amused look.

"It's also a good answer," Okasama said, watching the monitor flicker. "Though trying to realise that answer in fact might surely kill you, or else fill you with sadness."

"The alternative is worse," I said quietly.

It's been a while since I've been lead through such an exercise by Okasama. Normally, Otousama takes care of such things, and his beliefs can be taken for hers, too. But they're not the same person, so would he really say the same thing? Would the difference have troubled Okasama before?

The door opened, and when I looked round, Natsuki was already stepping in and closing it again. "Morning," she said briefly, glancing up at me.

"Good morning," I replied, smiling a little. Natsuki's very considerate, after all. I appreciate that.

"Good morning, Natsuki-chan," Saaya said brightly. "How are you feeling?"

"And on that note, don't you need to be examined?" Okasama asked thoughtfully, glancing sidelong at her.

"Not really," Natsuki said. "There's nothing for it but to see how well it heals, they said. As long as I don't bang into anything, there's no point even in checking. And I'm feeling fine. I can feel my hand again, you know, and move my fingers."

"That's quite remarkable," Okasama said. "I'm very glad for you."

"Do you want to sit down?" I asked politely. Honestly, she's always standing opposite Okasama; it's almost confrontational. Not to mention my neck aches from looking between them.

"Sure," she said absently, sitting on the door's side of the bed. Not quite what I had in mind. "How are you, then?"

"I just had an examination," I said. "I'm still waiting on the results, but apparently I was doing better than she expected of me."

"That just shows she doesn't know us at all," Natsuki said coolly. "It's natural for you, isn't it?"

"If it is, then I'm very unnatural," I riposted gently.

"Which you are," Natsuki said. "I mean, just look at back then. I'll tell you this much, using a sword that well even at short range against guns should be, uh, impossible."

"I still ended up like this," I pointed out.

"Yes, but you should have ended up in an urn," Natsuki said, with characteristic abrasiveness. "I'm just I was in too much pain to be afraid for you, more or less. I knew you'd do something reckless."

"You did throw me my sword," I said, smiling slightly. "And considering your condition, you're also guilty."

"That's because if I hadn't, you'd have gone without it and fought anyway, right?"

I remembered the knife. "Perhaps."

"Perhaps, my ass. Even if your hands had been tied, you'd have tried to bite them to death on the hop. It's not like I don't know." Natsuki shrugged, smiling. "But it turned out okay, somehow."

I nodded back. "And the same goes for your risk. Honestly, you could have hatched a more original plan…"

"Hey, it worked, didn't it? Don't question these things."

"Somehow, yes," I admitted. "In any case, how did you know my hands were free?"

"Well, it's not like I knew," Natsuki said. "I kinda got caught up in the moment. But, well, it figured you'd have worked something out somehow."

"Thank you for your trust," I said dryly.

"Well, I'm not wrong, am I? You doubt me too much."

"Yes, but only because of Reito, actually."

"Him, you, same difference," Natsuki said, flicking my forehead idly. "You're still similar. And you'd still have gone with a weapon clamped between your teeth if need be."

I giggled slightly. "I hope not…"

"In any case, you sure don't sound very traumatised," Natsuki said. "That's good."

I blinked, remembering myself. "Oh. Well." I shrugged slightly. "We've encountered stranger circumstances and greater trials."

"That's for sure," Natsuki agreed.

"Though I suppose," I shrugged, and cut myself off. I suppose it is abnormal, to talk about killing so easily, as if it's something we shared. But there's not much compassion in it. Our enemy was our enemy, though they may be dead and gone.

"In any case, it's good you're healing up," Natsuki said. "Even if it's only a little."

"I walked earlier," I murmured, lying down again and closing my eyes briefly.

"Should I be glad at your swift recovery or annoyed that you took the risk?" Natsuki said quietly. "I guess it can't be helped…"

"It was fine," I said, opening my eyes and glancing sidelong at Okasama and Saaya. They were hard at work, though I was also sure they'd be listening, even if they tried not to. Once again, I'd been a little heedless of my surroundings. Even now, a taboo I don't feel around Natsuki wakes with them and disturbs me. Yes. Once I was different, and she knew a different me, goes the reminder.

"I saw Mai earlier," Natsuki said, after a moment. "She's as energetic as ever. Well, it's not like she'd lose to something like this either."

I blinked again, looking up at the ceiling. But she's seen me fight, and heard my story. I should probably forfeit my sense of shame now, and carry on. "Have you been thinking about them?" I asked thoughtfully.

"Who? The others?"

I shook my head slightly. "No. The enemy."

Natsuki blinked for a moment, then, shrugged. "Not really. Well, I've been worried about the ones still out there, but leave it to me is what Yamada says…. I don't really have a choice."

I smiled slightly. "I see."

"To be honest, we shouldn't worry about those things right now," Natsuki suggested. "This is as safe a location as we can reasonably expect, so we can forget about it. Things seem to be in good hands."

I nodded. "Yes. Though I'm curious. Whether they had relatives, loves, children. Why they did it. Whether they felt doubt."

"Oh, that," Natsuki said quietly. "Well… frankly, they forfeited their right to life. It's not like I've been crying over them."

"Me neither," I said quietly. "And though I dream, it's not of them. Though I've been thinking about it, I can't find anything more than an academic interest." I glanced at her. "That's probably not good."

"We are what we are," Natsuki said stubbornly.

I glanced at Okasama then nodded my head. "Yes. We are what we are."

I'm not sure if that's a valid self-justification, though. It seems a little lazy. Though would anything else be any better? I am what circumstances made me… is partly true, but I am myself. What I am.

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose and deciding not to dwell on these things. It wasn't worthwhile.

"Well, you know, there's one thing I didn't get," Natsuki said, looking down and tugging idly on the sheets.

"Oh?"

"You know Umi? The crazy one that started everything." Natsuki sighed. "I don't really get her. She caused us all this trouble in the first place, and she didn't hold back then either. And she collaborated with them, that's for sure. She planned to kill you. So she's definitely a bad person, or at least, our enemy. If there's difference, I don't really care." Though she sounded less defiant than her mere words would suggest. Her fingers continued to fidget.

"That's true," I said, trying to sound reassuring. "Though I understand her hate… I'm not allowed to die, am I?"

"Damn right you aren't. Don't forget it." Natsuki looked away again. "But she also helped me in several ways, though she tried to kill me as well. And she seemed to approve of me while trying to destroy everything I held dear. It was messy… or, frankly, she didn't know what to do or what to believe. I do know that. Because she's like me, and we both knew that too."

"You stopped, though," I pointed out. "And if you could manage with that, a woman her age should learn faster."

"She'd only learn the hard way. I know that, too." Natsuki closed her eyes. "And I won't let her."

We shouldn't have to think about these things. If we thought for the rest of our lives, we probably wouldn't be able to make sense of these things. All we have is intuition.

"She is alive," I reminded myself. "I suppose I'm a little glad."

"That's best," Natsuki agreed. "Though she'll be imprisoned. This time for sure, right?"

"Probably," I conceded. "That seems a little… unfair…"

"None of this is fair to begin with, remember?" Natsuki pointed out. "We didn't ask for this."

"From what I recall, neither did she," I mused. "She was chosen for her duty from a child, so in a way, hers is the same fate as one of us."

"But though she had no mark to fade, even so," Natsuki folded her arms. "She should recognise when her battle's over. I can't forgive anyone who doesn't get that."

"Of course. I can't forgive her, either, though I understand her. Nor can she forgive me."

"You just have to hate some people," Natsuki said gruffly, sounding like she was trying to convince herself.

"And that man, too," I said thoughtfully. "Ikuru. He was strange, to say the least…"

"Different from Umi. I'm a little jealous of you for getting to do the job yourself," Natsuki said, with unabashed hatred in her voice.

My heart leapt and down. Was that for me, or should her nature upset me? No, that would be hypocritical to claim either thing. I've done worse.

"He was more whimsical than tyrannical, in the end," I said thoughtfully. "He showed me that side of him, which isn't kind at all… and when you were gone, he called his own men expendable. But he also tried to protect her. I suppose that was a façade, too."

Natsuki snorted. "Don't waste time thinking about that kind of guy."

"Perhaps he was letting himself do that a little," I mused, "considering I know those eyes, and he thought the same way about-"

Okasama's phone rang, so I stopped. Just in case.

"Hello." Okasama frowned, listening for a few seconds. "It's for you, Shizuru," she said eventually, holding her hand out. Saaya took it and passed it to me.

Was this the same one as before? And what had happened to mine? I blinked away the irrelevance of that thought and raised it to my ear, sitting up in bed. "Hello?"

"_So this the famous Shizuru-chan."_

I frowned. "Excuse me?"

"_This is Yamada. If I recall correctly, you wreaked the bike I gave to Kuga as a present, but these things can't be helped."_

"Oh." Him. "I owe you my thanks. It seems like circumstances would have been even worse without you."

"_Same to you. You girls are something else, but that's all an aside. I'm here because someone here wanted to call you."_

"Who?" I asked, frowning slightly. Let's see… another Hime?

"_A girl from your school who turned up here after being worried about you. Though she's a lot younger than you, I won't speculate on your taste."_

I sighed, pushing my hair behind my ear. "Then put them on."

"_Coming right up. Give me a second."_

Natsuki gave me a curious look, but I just shrugged.

"It's been some time, Fujino. Though I never did know you very well, after all…"

I blinked in surprise, my frown deepening as I recognised the voice. I'd heard it often enough, though not to speak to me. "Likewise. This is something of a surprise."

"_Then I'm sorry to trouble you so suddenly," _Alyssa said, with a voice like melting crystal, as melodic and pure as an angel. _"But I've taken an interest in your adverse circumstances. Is everyone well? And how is Tokiha doing?"_

But a beautiful voice doesn't really stop her from being a smug brat, of course. "We're as well as might be expected under the circumstances, thank you," I said. "Your concern is very touching."

"_Not at all. To be honest, I'm amazed you survived. No matter the circumstances, you've continued to exceed all expectations."_

"Then you're still making a habit of taking us a little too lightly," I needled. "And a habit of missing the point."

"_On the contrary, Fujino. Our mutual past is irrelevant in the new world. Or is it better to say it never existed?"_

"That would be convenient for you."

"_And you." _Alyssa giggled slightly, the first sign of her actual age. She's still an unnerving child. _"In any case, I called to let you know of something I'll be discussing with Fujino at a later time. Broadly, let us take care of our side of things."_

"Oh?" I asked. "So you did make a move that day, after all…"

"_I'll leave that to your imagination. But I'll convey my thanks, because if that was true you'd have called them all out. And perhaps Miyu might have been able to clean things up nicely, in that situation."_

"You're a very hard-working girl," I said coolly. "Well, if someone your age takes such a special interest, I can put my own mind at ease…"

"_I'm just being sensible. In any case, I'm not through just yet, with this game. There are still a few pieces left here and there. We'll clean up in time for my return to school."_

"Then I'll thank you for your hard work. I hope you're doing your homework as well, though. As ex-Kaichou, I can't forgive you playing around all holiday."

Another girlish giggle. _"Point taken. Don't worry, though, Fujino. I'll take care of everything nicely."_

"That's not very reassuring." But she'd already rung off, so I lowered the phone slowly, then remembered to hand it back.

"Who was that?" Natsuki asked.

"A little angel," I replied briefly. "One Alyssa Searrs."

"That girl?" Okasama said coldly. "It isn't a safe name, after all."

"Apparently, she plans to meet with Otousama," I explained. "Because she's chosen to be the enemy of Searrs, and so our ally."

"A promise we can trust no further than the wool of the butterfly," Okasama said, slipping her phone into her pocket. "I'm not comforted at all. This is typical of their operations. What price does she want?"

"She didn't ask for anything. Apparently, this is her own will." I shrugged. "For now, at the least. That may change."

"Well, not to introduce the cynicism… normally I'm all for it… but I'm pretty sure her important person got fired or something," Natsuki said, rubbing the back of her head. "After dying, you know. So it's not like she doesn't have a reason to fight them."

"If only it was a reason that made sense to a normal person," Saaya complained. "And I'm not normal, but this is all still beyond me."

"She was this great singer, then she started spamming Orphans everywhere, and imprisoned me, because she had this awesome killer cyborg girl," Natsuki explained. "And then she invaded, and blew everything up with her space Child, but Mai flew up there and fireballed it to death on her dragon, so her important person died and she was depressed and dead until everyone got resurrected, okay?"

"I sincerely hope that was ironic," Okasama said. "Otherwise I may have to quietly despair of this world."

"I think it's best if we let her actions be considered enigmatic and leave it at that for now," I said. "There's not much else to say. I can only hope that Otousama can deal with her. Well, no matter what else, she is ten."

"Children these days," Saaya murmured weakly. "They grow up so fast."

* * *

After a while, I went to check on the others. Shizuru was still stuck in bed for now, so I was going for her as well.

I nodded to the ninja nurse by this door. This once actually opened the door for me, which nice. And just as I'd predicted, Mikoto's room was crowded. She's spoiled something rotten, after all. "Yo."

"Natsuki!" Mikoto made to bounce towards me, then stopped when Reito grabbed her hair lightly.

"Welcome. How was your walk?" Mai asked, giving me a playful smile.

"It was fine," I said shortly, looking round the room. They really were all there, including Akira leaning against one wall, and gracing me with a curt nod. Takumi, on the other hand, waved cheerfully and smiled. He's his sister's brother, right enough. "It's a bit crowded in here, isn't it? I'm amazed they let you get away with it."

"Well, I think they've all kinda given up on enforcing the rules too much around here," Mai said. "As long as we don't do anything stupid, or something."

I snorted. "How convenient."

"Is Shizuru-san awake?" Shiho asked quietly.

I glanced at her, then nodded. "Sure. She's doing fine, more or less."

"Then I'll go see her. I haven't thanked her yet."

"Me too, me too!" Mikoto said, trying to stand again. Reito held her back again. "Just as I'd remembered, Kaichou is strong! Maybe as strong as me. I want to fight her some day."

"Now, now, Mikoto," Reito said. "Not before you've both healed, remember? Otherwise there's no meaning in a battle."

She nodded solemnly. "Yes, Ani."

"Is that really the right correction to make?" Tate asked dubiously.

"Yes," Reito said, smiling pleasantly at him.

"Oh, really?" Tate said, still sounding bemused. But you can't argue with that damn smug smile, I guess.

"I'll see you later," Shiho said, stopping by the door.

"We should go too," Mai said. "We haven't had a chance to see her before now, so we should all go together and encourage her."

"You guys can come later," Shiho said shortly. "I want to spend some time alone with Oneesama."

"Who?" I asked. But she'd already walked through the door.

"Who do you think?" Akira demanded curtly. "Let's just say you have competition, Kuga."

I snorted, rolling my eyes. "Oh, great. Hey, Tate! Teach that girl what siblings are, already! It's a hereditary disease, so stop her before she tries to spread."

"Somehow I feel obliged to object to that," Mai said, folding her arms and smirking. "Well, I suppose an only child wouldn't understand."

"Takumi doesn't count because he's like the Buddha or something," I said authoritatively. "It stands to reason."

"That's a little…" Takumi said softly, scratching his cheek in embarrassment.

"In any case, it looks like you're all doing fine," I said dismissively. "Considering you didn't even bother to ask after my shoulder, I'll classify that as normal."

"How is your shoulder, Kuga-san?" Reito asked innocently.

I snorted, rolling my eyes. "No one else got hurt, right? Just the ones who fought?"

"That's correct," Reito said. "We were very fortunate, thanks to your courage."

"Of course! We'll always protect everyone!" Mikoto said. "Right, Natsuki?"

"Well, we'll do what we can," I agreed guardedly.

"Next time, I'll fight too," Tate said sharply. "I still can't forgive myself for that."

"Now, now, that couldn't be helped then," Reito said.

"Besides that, don't wish for a next time," Akira said sharply. "I've told you already."

"Now, now," Takumi said softly.

"In any case, we're all alive somehow," Mai said. "And that's what matters most, isn't it? We can work out how to thank people later."

"You can thank me and Shizuru by never mentioning this again," I suggested. "It's not exactly happy for us, either, though we can deal with it."

"I hope Shizuru-san hasn't taken it too hard," Reito said. "It would be like her to do so."

"She's getting by, so don't go around with one of your special plans," I said. "They never seem to help at all."

"I'll bear that in mind."

"In any case, I'm going," Tate said briefly, walking towards the door.

Mai sighed, smiling weakly. "Worried again? It's really safe here, you know."

"It's not about that," Tate said, pouting at her. "It's just… I need to stretch my legs, that's all."

I winced, while Mai laughed. Yes, that's certainly a condemnation of my creative abilities.

"I'll go too, then," Mai said. "I could do with a walk too."

"Me too, me too!" Mikoto said.

This time Reito just flicked her on the forehead until she lay back again. "Say hi to Shizuru-san for me."

"Aren't you coming, Reito-san?" Mai asked.

"I'm going to look after my troublesome sister," Reito said, smiling. "Just like Tate-kun, in fact."

"Who mentioned her?" Tate demanded.

"How about you two?" Mai asked.

"Hmm. It might be nice, but I don't want to intrude." Takumi turned to his ninja girlfriend. "What do you think?"

"Let's sit out for now," Akira said shortly. "It's not like she knows us. Besides, it'd get too crowded."

"I'll stay too," I said, in spite of a small but nagging impulse to drag Shiho away from my Shizuru before her sibling complex reached full speed. "I've already visited her."

"You have?" Mai asked. "I thought you were taking a walk?"

Damn. "Well, I just decided to pop by for a few minutes afterwards," I said, looking away haughtily. "It's no big deal."

"I see." Mai smirked. "Well, I'll say you said hi. We'll be back in a bit, okay?"

I nodded shortly, watching them go. "Still keeping busy…"

"I'm very glad we can all carry on," Reito said, sitting next to his sister on her bed. "Though things were very hard, for some of us more than others, but things somehow worked out for everyone."

I sat in a spare chair. "Well, it's not like we'd let them win. So it stands to reason."

"Your refreshing clarity hasn't changed, either," Reito said dryly.

"Is that an insult?" I asked sharply.

"But it's wonderful to see you again, Kuga-san," Takumi said, smiling at me. He brought his hands together and bowed his head. "Thank you for looking after my sister. Especially in the light of what happened, I can't thank you enough."

I frowned. "Well, it's no big deal. I was just doing what I had to do."

"And she was too banged up to make much difference in the end," Akira said. "Don't worry too much about it."

"Hey, who took down two of them all on her own, with no weapons?" I demanded. "Don't forget it!"

Reito chuckled. "That suits you more than false modesty after all, Natsuki-chan."

"You're insulting me again, aren't you?" I said flatly.

Reito smiled. "It's a compliment."

"Yep, yep. Because we did well," Mikoto said decisively. "And next time, too, and always."

"It'd be romantic if we weren't talking about multiple homicide," Akira said. "You know, even with our contacts it's tough to stop questions from being asked. Right now, people are saying the kidnappers turned on each other."

"And stabbed themselves with katana?" I asked dubiously.

"Yes. That's why it's tough," Akira conceded grudgingly.

"To say the least," I said, rubbing my forehead. "I know the old man's rich, but still."

"That matter hinges on the political battle," Reito said. "If we win, the events reported will cover up any anomalies like that. But if they win, we'll have some real problems."

I groaned. "At least let Shizuru get some strength back before we have to flee to Argentina, okay?"

"Well, everything's fine just so long as we win," Reito pointed out. "I only wish I could do more myself. But I'm too young, so I'll have to leave everything in the hands of Shinri-san."

"I heard about that," I said. "Still had to believe. What's he doing right now?"

"He's still giving press statements," Reito said, leaning down and picking up a discarded newspaper. "This morning he tightened the screws on our man. It'll come down to the wire. Some people are accusing him of using his daughter for politics, and worse, though…"

"Wonderful."

So he's still at it, huh? That's something, at least.

"But we're still small people in a very wide world," Reito reflected, sighing. "It's very problematic."

Mikoto shifted her body again, frowning. "Ani's pretty tall."

"Oh, by the way. Alyssa rang up Shizuru just now."

I derived some pleasure from the look on Reito's face. "What?"

"We're going after Searrs, or something, so she says," I said airily. "Apparently she'll be talking to the old man too."

"Hmm. So perhaps they really were Nishiki's mystery reserves," Reito said philosophically. "That explains everything… his either-or attitude to the situation, and Searrs was intercepted… Miyu could do it, presumably. And the other strikes as well."

"Sure is an obnoxious power," I said. "Why do they even need us? If America mass-produces her, we'd be screwed. The world would be screwed."

"Then let's be glad Miyu is free and with Alyssa-chan," Reito said. "Anything else would indeed be unfortunate."

"Right? Well, whatever. Like Shizuru said, let's leave it at that." I glanced sidelong at the two kids. "How have you been? Fun with the in-laws?"

Akira flushed, but Takumi simply smiled innocently. "We've had a pleasant holiday. But I heard about everything from Akira and Nee-san, Kuga-san. Congratulations. I hope you and Shizuru-san will be very happy."

"Hey," I said rigidly. "Don't make it sound like a marriage or anything. That's really weird."

"Honestly, you're going too far again," Akira chided.

"I don't think so," Takumi said, looking at me. "I think it's wonderful that they forgave each other and found love. It's a touching story, no?" And he cocked his head and smiled like an angel.

I looked away, blushing. If Reito had come down with a fever this someone could have replaced him. He has the smile, damnit!

Reito chuckled. "I completely agree, Takumi-kun. What can I say? The progression and fine spirits of all our group despite adversity is an inspiration."

"If that's the case, then use that inspiration to get a girlfriend or something, so you stop mooning after Shizuru," I suggested.

"Ah. Do you feel threatened? I'm sorry for that, and I understand, but I feel I have a relevant brotherly role…"

"Damn straight you do!" I said, pointing. "Right here with Mikoto, and that's it!"

"Right, right!" Mikoto agreed. "Ani should stay with me forever!"

"Exactly," I said. "It's only fair."

"Yep!" Mikoto said, nodding. "And Mai, and Natsuki, and Shiho, and Akira, and Takumi, and Kaichou, and Saaya, and… well, I guess Tate can stay." She frowned. "If he fetched things."

I sighed, rubbing my forehead. "Well, I suppose that will have to do."

"But it's sad," Mikoto said. "After the summer is over, we're all going to go away. Some of us back, yes. But Ani will have to go. Kaichou will have to go, too."

I sighed. "You're right, yeah."

"Don't worry, Mikoto," Reito said encouragingly. "I'll definitely visit you whenever I can."

"Really?" Mikoto asked brightly.

"Right. Surely."

Mikoto squealed and hugged him enthusiastically. Reito glanced briefly at me before returning the embrace.

"I get it, already," I said impatiently, turning away. "It's not like I don't know. Don't waste time worrying about me."

"Shall we follow after the others?" Takumi suggested. "I need to thank Shizuru-san as well."

"Fine. Let's go." Akira pushed herself off the wall, her arm in a sling like mine. "You too. Just let Mikoto come, already."

"Fine. I guess she'll be bad, at least," I said. Yes, it should make her smile, her doubts or not.

And that's a fine thing in a world that never has enough time. I just want to be peacefully by her side.


	74. Chapter 74

**Windows of the Soul: Part Seventy-Four**

For the record, in 73 Viola was alluding to Shizuru during the Carnival- or so thought Shizuru, a girl who'd spot knives in the dark at the International Spoon-lover's Convention...

Two exams in the next two days. I'll see how things go.

* * *

The prodigal daughter returns, is it?

Perhaps that is how you'd describe this situation, once again. But this time is different in several important ways.

When the car stopped, I undid my seatbelt and stood. I opened the door before a servant could, to prove that I could, and stepped out, blinking slightly in the sunlight.

On that day I'd been worried and guilty, uncomfortable about being home and worrying about Natsuki. And… well, in some ways though the reasons have changed my emotions are the same right now. But in other ways, far more than last time, I'm very much glad to be home.

"Are you really fine?" Natsuki asked, giving me a worried look. "If you need help…"

"I'm fine," I said calmly, walking forwards. So I was careful to tread with a slower step than usual, but I could do it.

Her kindness hasn't changed, either, though the understanding between us is completely different now. Ironically enough, it's still one that worries me with reference to the people around me.

"You're just trying to be cool again," Natsuki complained, walking after me.

"Ara, do you think so?" I asked, smiling playfully. "If that's so, you should just flatter me. It'll make me feel better. Better still, that is, considering I'm so well."

"I'm not sure if I could stand that," Natsuki said, pushing her hair back with her left hand.

Her right is still bound, and that is a difference from before. Well, perhaps it would be more poetic to say that the types of scars we bear are different now.

"Stingy," I mocked lightly. I breathed in fresh air, looking around the garden thoughtfully. "Though there isn't all that much of the holiday left, is there?"

"Please don't mention the other 's' word, okay?" Natsuki said. "I'm in denial about it, okay? Just give me one more day."

A change. Before, Natsuki was broadly on track with her studies. Now her only hope is strictness and consistency more normally associated with the special forces. Perhaps a week on four hours of sleep a day or less. I'm not sure I could do that to her, and it might not be wise to risk it for myself… it's time for my reserve plan, which is broadly to try and broker a sufficient bribe to the school. It's always best to plan for this kind of worst-case scenario.

"I'll bear that in mind," I said. "I'm not sure I could face that either, right now. But we're going to have to talk about it later."

"Later, later. Not now. Right now I can't hear you…"

I smiled slightly at her, mounting the steps. This is a feeling that is finally becoming familiar again, after years of distance from this place. Yes. I suppose that's the most important difference. Before, this was in the loosest place home, but it wasn't a shelter from my worries or doubts, and it wasn't a place I could be at ease.

And while those things are still a little true, it's a lot more home-like than before. I can at least feel that I belong beneath this roof, because even though I've confessed everything, I've been given that permission. Hesitant and provisional, but that's still more reassurance than I could ever have hoped to ask for.

"I'm back," I said aloud, reaching for the door.

It opened before I could touch it, and the butler bowed. "Welcome back, Ojou-sama."

I blinked foolishly. So much for dramatic moments. "Ah… thank you. Where is Okasama?"

"She is in the lounge, Ojou-sama. Shall I escort you?"

"Thank you. That will not be necessary." I smiled at him and walked past, heading in that direction.

"But it's nice to be back, after all," Natsuki said, following after me. "Very relaxing."

"You should have gone back sooner," I chided gently. "It isn't as if you had to wait for me. I was very guilty."

"I'd only waste time driving too and from the hospital every day like the others," Natsuki said dismissively. "And that's just plain inefficient. Think of the environment, or something."

I giggled. "Well, if you say so."

"In any case, its not you kept me waiting that long," she added. "It was downright unreasonable…"

I stopped after rounding a corner and spotting Hideko. She glanced up at me and smiled sincerely, hurrying forwards. "So you really are back, Ojou-sama, Kuga-san!"

"Yeah," Natsuki said. "Of course."

"Do you remember our bet, Hideko?" I asked brightly.

Hideko blinked, glancing at me. "Oh. Yes…"

"You win. Or, you won." I folded my arms, smiling. "So let's try that greeting one more time, okay?"

Hideko gave me a worried look. "Is that really okay?"

I nodded. "Of course."

"Well, then." Hideko stepped closer and hugged me briefly. "Welcome home, Shizuru-chan."

I flushed slightly, scrutinising the wall opposite me. Ah. I wouldn't think she'd go quite that far, either. Plainly a woman of one thing or the other.

"Now that's more like it," Natsuki said. "All that formality was bad for your ego anyway, so I'm glad you're being constructive about fixing it."

Hideko stepped back again, looking vaguely embarrassed. "In any case, I won't hold you back much longer, least of all with useless sympathies. I'll just convey how glad I am that I can see you both again."

"It's good to see you again too," I said. "And thank you. I'm sorry for worrying you."

"Not at all," Hideko replied. "I won't keep you any longer."

"We should talk later," I suggested, smiling at her. "I'll look forwards to it."

"Yes. That would be good."

"A bet?" Natsuki asked, as soon as we were out of earshot.

"On what I'd do about my parents. If I told them about our relationship, as Hideko thought, she'd call me Shizuru," I explained. "Though, well, she took that sentiment very seriously…"

"Your face was hilarious," Natsuki said, smirking at me. "I tried hard not to laugh. However I look at it, you still aren't great at the touchy-feely stuff. It's worrying, you know?"

"I don't recall Natsuki being any better," I said amusedly, glancing at her. "Shall I test that theory now?"

"I'd rather you didn't," Natsuki replied. "That's totally different, you know. But either way, it's fine, isn't it? It feels like she deserves that much. You did worry her."

"That's true," I admitted.

Saaya looked up and smiled when we entered the lounge, while Okasama just glanced briefly at us. "Good morning," she said, before returning her attention to the tea, for all the world as if this was just another day.

"Good morning," I said, sitting down opposite her. "I take it you're doing well?"

"That's so. And how are you feeling?" Okasama asked. "More importantly, do you two want tea?"

"Ara. Do you have to ask, for both our parts?" I asked wryly.

"Actually, I'll have some," Natsuki said, pouting when I glanced at her. "That's fine, right?"

"Of course," Okasama said.

Saaya poured us both some, passing it over. "You're both looking very well," she said. "It appears that the rumours of our cute girls and their invincibility weren't unfounded, after all."

"Of course. I'm not going to spend too long ill for anyone's convenience," Natsuki said, gingerly picking up her tea. "Though this is still a pain, I can assure you."

"Naturally. This is a situation where even the best prognosis is a bad one," Okasama said. "And for that, you have all my sympathies. Please tell us if there's anything more we can do, Natsuki-chan."

"Nah. Don't worry it. And don't worry about the prognosis, either," Natsuki said. "I'm not really interested in stuff like that. Things will turn out how they do, that's all."

"That might be a good attitude," Okasama said cautiously.

"And I always have a rough time of it, but come out okay in the end," Natsuki noted. "So that's fine by me."

I smiled. "I suppose so. I'm also very lucky to come out as well as I have." I sipped my tea, before setting the cup down again. "Ah. I've missed that more than words can easily describe."

"Putting that aside, did you hear the rumour that our target might be resigning today?" Okasama asked. "Yamada-san said so, at the least. Perhaps tomorrow's party can also be a victory celebration."

"Yamada, huh? Where is he?" Natsuki frowned. "No, more importantly, party?"

"Oh, it's not really a party as such," Okasama said. "Just a small social event involving your friends and a few of ours, to welcome you back and celebrate your lives. I put together to have something to do."

"And knowing you guys, it's going to be crazily formal, isn't it?" Natsuki said, sighing. "You could have warned me, you know."

"Not at all. This should be quite a casual affair." Okasama smiled. "The formal occasion will be at the end of the summer, to mark Shizuru's departure for university."

"You mean that's gonna happen too?"

"Hmm. Shizuru didn't tell you?"

"She didn't," I said. "It slipped my mind due to various circumstances." I sipped my tea again, smiling contentedly.

"I'll bear that excuse in mind for use later," Natsuki said, looking glum. "In any case, where is everyone?"

"They're in the garden," Okasama explained. "You can go to see them in a few minutes, by all means."

"There's no rush," I said. "Or am I being insensitive? I'm sure you have many things to do as well, Okasama."

Though I'm feeling a little tired. I'm not so well I can act as if this is an ordinary day, sadly.

"Not at all. Those things will keep, but my beautiful daughter has many calls upon her time," Okasama said. "But in difference to another person and their time, I'm going to raise an important matter. Saaya, please."

Saaya nodded, crossing the room and opening another of the doors.

"In deference to your bad luck, Shinri's arranged for a bodyguard," Okasama explained.

"That could be very awkward," I said slowly. "At the least, my hope was that I would be consulted…"

"We're hoping that this might be less intrusive than it otherwise would be," Okasama explained, closing her eyes slightly. "Make of that what you will."

"It isn't that I don't appreciate the sentiment, or understand the reasons," I began. "But-"

"Oh, are you serious?" Natsuki asked incredulously.

"Shut up." Akira glared at her as she walked forwards, adjusting her tie. "I'm a qualified individual."

"If you're qualified I'm a Marine," Natsuki said, folding her arms. "Honestly, you're a kid."

I blinked, then smiled slightly. "That suit does flatter you, Akira-kun. I'm impressed."

Akira pointedly ignored Natsuki as she walked to my side of the sofa and knelt, closing her eyes and bringing her forehead close to the ground. "Rest assured, Fujino-dono. I will protect you with my life, by the honour of the Okuzaki clan."

I flushed slightly. "You don't have to go that far. It makes me feel awkward."

"No, this is necessary, since this is a professional assignment." Akira didn't move. "For the reminder of this holiday, please consider me a subordinate. Anything else but that would endanger my life and your own needlessly."

"Is that so?" I asked softly, feeling rather bemused. It was very difficult to work out exactly what to make of this development.

"Just let her have her way," Takumi advised, standing off and smiling slightly. "Please."

I nodded slightly. "Very well. I'll accept that offer, then… sorry to trouble you, Takumi-kun. It feels like we've gravely inconvenienced you."

Akira straightened and stood, walking around and ending up behind me. "Don't worry about that. A short mission like this isn't an important inconvenience. Besides that-"

"It's a _coincidence _I'm here," Takumi said brightly. "Isn't that right?"

"Ah."

"I'm just here to visit my sister," Takumi said with an unconvincing earnestness. "But Akira-kun is here on a mission for her family. So you shouldn't get the two things confused, okay? Coincidences are strange like that."

"Well, putting that aside, I'm still not too happy about this," Natsuki said. "I'd kick your ass myself, Akira, if it wasn't for the fact that I only have use of one arm. I might try my luck even then."

"You're welcome to that," Akira retorted. "But isn't this already decided? Like you said, you sustained a serious injury in the last fight, but I've already healed. That should be enough to prove our differences."

"Right. I took out two people in a reverse, and you just took some lame pot-shots with a pistol and got wounded even at that," Natsuki said coldly. "That really is enough, right?"

"Now, now," Takumi said, raising his hands before Akira could reply. "We're all on the same side here, aren't we?"

"That's right, Natsuki," I chided. "Akira didn't have to risk her life. Both of you did, though, which shows both of you are strong people. That's enough, isn't it?"

The two girls snorted and looked away from each other without deigning to reply.

Okasama smiled wanly. "Actually, Natsuki-chan, we considered getting you a bodyguard as well. We need to look after you too."

"Don't need it," Natsuki said proudly. "I can look after myself, even like this."

"We thought so too. But more importantly, we decided there'd be no point. Under the circumstances, Akira-kun will probably able to cover both of you," Saaya finished, leaning on the sofa above Okasama's head and resting her chin on one hand. "Isn't that resource efficient?"

"I'd have preferred it if you'd brought me bigger guns," Natsuki said, flushing slightly.

I was better at keeping my face even, but glad she understood at all. Well, my teasing was weak and soft preparation for Okasama and Saaya.

Saaya just smiled, cocking her head slightly. "Oh? That's not very elegant, Natsuki-chan…"

"In any case, thank you for this kindness," I said, nodding. "I'll take it as a mark of your gentleness, both of you, and it's truly appreciated."

"You don't have to go so far," Okasama said amicably. "Shinri decided it was for the best, so it's only natural for our family."

Saaya smiled at me, or perhaps my expression. "Shall we leave it at that for now?"

Okasama nodded. "Yes. That would be for the best. If you need us, Shizuru, we'll be in our study as usual."

I nodded back, before standing and bowing again. "I will bear that in mind. Once gain, thank you for everything."

"Not at all." They waved, as did we, and we parted.

I lead the way towards the garden, Natsuki by my side and the other two a few paces behind me. "And thank you too, Akira-kun," I said, glancing back at her. "It's appreciated."

"Thank you very much," Akira said crisply.

I smiled briefly, before looking forwards again. "Well, it could be a lot worse. Isn't that right, Natsuki?"

"Could it, I wonder?" Natsuki said sourly. "I don't know…"

I chuckled slightly, stepping out into the sunlight. And this is also a change that's still a welcoming home.

When I sit here, I can think of many things. Your will has come true insofar as that is the case, because this room is not peaceful, though it is quiet. It's a place where I come to think. It's a place where I come to breathe.

* * *

I can reflect upon the world and myself within this space, as you'd always intended.

Threads draw me in all directions here. Threads draw me tight. Right now, my life is ringing like a string struck, reverberating and sounding clearly. For me, this week- no, more than that, this summer- has thrown through flux and an ecstasy of change. It's what you might call an exciting time, a time made all the more memorable because the path of my life is the stakes. I don't yet have every answer to hand, knowing where I stand with everyone I know, what I should feel, what I should do, how things are going to be from now on, that still eludes me for now, though one by one those things are falling into place. It's only the second time I've felt this way before. No, perhaps the third? The difference between a child and a teenager is great, but at the least that change came slowly enough for me to deal with it. This is stranger, not least because it's not normal, not ordinary; there are no guidelines or examples. Like the other time before, after the Carnival. But perhaps those things aren't disconnected, after all. It might be wrong to think of this holiday as another chapter in my development. Perhaps it's just the third act, after the dark and unstable equilibrium I realised in the aftermath of that sad story.

Perhaps these things aren't separate at all. I've lived my entire life merely to reach this point, after all.

I have some sad feelings, and I'm not sure if I'll have a happy ending. I have some regrets, and I'm not sure if I'll ever forget those. Certainly, I've made so many mistakes I'm not sure I'll ever be the person I want to be ever again. Always and forever, my present is one with my past, and that is myself. But even so, I can also look to the future, and I have enough hopes that I won't despair again.

My hands rested on the keys.

She understands. That's why I can be here. She cares, as well. It's a strange thought, that caring. Strange and soft. From the beginning, I was very afraid. I thought I'd become an adult, after all. My personality, my understandings, my perceptions, they were beginning to settle, and if they would change from then it would be gradual. So I thought. And I could blame the fact that I'm still so unfixed to myself on the Carnival, as well. But that's not true. It was, like all these things, an outside influence, and that influence was her. Everything I did in that time, the good and the bad, it was all for her. Since that time, I'm still twisted and affected by the legacy and the tangles and the emotions and the complications of it, the difficulty of accepting my love and her own, of how that would affect the people around, the consequences of the dark sides of that feeling and the many people coming to kill us. They're a little separate, and a little not, because I did those things for her and it's those feelings I remember when we're endangered, before all else. So, it's a strange thing, when my life's so pulled out of shape and bent in orbit by one thing, one feeling, one person. It's frightening and amazing.

Probably, you understand, Otousama. The love you feel for Okasama, was that the same? Is that the same? Or am I being arrogant, to think in that way? I'd never ask either of you about it, because these things aren't said and in any case, I'd only make a fool of myself. But maybe it's okay to be a little foolish, just in my head. I'm such a fool for her, is what they say. I'm such a fool, but for her, is what I say. But for her, but for her, I'd have lived a different life. Perhaps a peaceful and dull life.

Even so, I'm still a little glad I met her. I suppose people can never truly renounce the path they've taken. But, this is different, too.

The door opened, and there was a two-second lag between that and him speaking. "So you're here."

I didn't look round. "Yes. I was practising, but I got caught up, thinking about several things."

"I see." He hesitated for a few moments by the door, and I wondered vaguely whether he was going to leave or send me out. In the end, though, he crossed the room and sat down in his old chair. "Is it fine, being released from hospital this early? You're probably endangering your health. Pride is fine, but there are limits."

"I'm fine," I said, glancing back at him. "I heal fast."

"A useful talent." To my surprise, Otousama turned his chair to face me, leaning back, hands on his knees. But his face was tense, and he was having difficulty hiding it. "I take it you approve of my choice of a bodyguard?"

"That was fine. Though it will take time from her holiday, I suppose she chose to do this." I closed my eyes. "Though I thought received wisdom dictates bodyguards should not know their employer?"

"Okuzaki-san assumes me she does not know you very well," Otousama said. "I judged it to be both convenient, discreet and acceptable."

I chuckled. "I see. That feels like it isn't much of a compliment, but I suppose it's true enough. She's young."

"Old beyond her years. As you all are." Shinri frowned slightly, sighing. "Well, never mind. If it's her, it shouldn't be a problem."

"That's true enough," I said quietly.

A silence settled comfortably between us, and for the first time I noticed something very surprising. Otousama wasn't saying anything, but he didn't look stern or calculating or thoughtful. He just looked vaguely embarrassed, and after a second he looked away. There wasn't any of his usual skill or depth or artifice to it at all. That was embarrassing in its own right.

I turned to face the piano, flushing slightly. "I'm sorry. Have you decided what you're going to do?"

"It's not really a matter of doing something, is it?" Otousama said. "I've been considering things, but I've had to do a lot of other things as well."

"Is that so?" I sighed slightly, staring blankly at the piano. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologise." Otousama sighed. "I envy Viola, you know… for her these things are easier…"

"If that's so, that would trouble me," I said quietly. "Being outraged is the proper reaction, so I'm sure she's just being strong and kind, and hiding her own pain."

"That might be so," Otousama said. "Even so, she didn't… go as far as me, which was the right thing to do. No, I suppose it's best to put it as her intellectual humility." He sounded a little more confidant. "Yes. That would be a good way of putting it. She's always been more able than me to admit she doesn't understand, to accept that and to move on regardless."

"Even so, throughout I've been myself," I said. "I am always myself. It would be intellectually dishonest of you to pretend my actions existed in a vacuum or a somehow exceptional circumstance…" I looked down. "My crimes are my crimes, Carnival or no. That's all."

"But it would be arrogant to say I could imagine that circumstance, either," Otousama pointed out, "and the height of arrogance to claim you aren't moved by them. Don't mistake righteous repentance with that kind of invincibility."

I smiled weakly. "That might be so, but I like to say I'm less subject to circumstances than others would be, thanks to you. I didn't move or do anything until that abrupt time, and then what came after…"

Shinri snorted. "Evidently there are limits to that training. Well, I'd expect no less. Even so, why did you tell us to begin with? It wasn't a necessary thing, Shizuru."

He said my name. "Perhaps so, but I was too sick of dishonestly pretending I belonged," I said. "Besides which, my own actions has involved everyone."

"No. That woman was there for you, but the others were emphatically not. That was business. Even then, the rape wasn't a necessary detail, and is the unforgivable thing."

"Then my only excuse for forcing that on you is my sense of guilt and duty," I confessed softly. "Even so, it was too much for me to bear alone, especially with you praising me. You have to understand, the me who protected Okasama, the me who killed the First District, the me who did that to Natsuki… they're all one. No, when I did that to Natsuki, that was the purer me, but twisted. I can't bear those associations."

"Even so, it was a selfish thing to do, to tell Viola and I." Otousama paused for a moment. "Though I was being selfish too. To carelessly push those words onto you was a mistake. That circumstance had been hard for you."

"Well, I'm making excuses, a little," I said. "I'd planned to tell you anyway, if I could find the strength."

"I see. At the least, though, your intellect is intact and your voice is calm. There's a kind of strength in that, whether or not you despise it." Otousama paused for a moment. "Look at me."

I turned and met his eyes. "The capacity to do anything belongs to both heaven and hell," I said wanly. "Though I'm afraid the latter seems more outstanding in me."

"Why are you smiling?" he asked sharply.

"Because I don't intend to cry," I shot back, equally firm.

He looked at me for a moment longer, frowning, then snorted. "A good enough answer. You know, it's nostalgic. A girl looked upon me with exactly those eyes, and to her she was a redundancy, an unnecessary person who'd been bartered off by fortune, unloved and unlooked-for. That girl had a very dark perspective of life and herself." Otousama shrugged. "Even so, she smiled."

"To please you?" I suggested impassively.

"No. To defy me, and the world." He broke off, then spoke again. "Though Viola was much purer than you are now, you have her eyes. Truly, you are our daughter."

"I'm sorry for the inconvenience," I said, with a hint of irony.

"That's not why I'll forgive you, though. With or without me, you've already resolved your internal contradictions. And you have the strength to face me like this, and yourself like this, with this extent of self-knowledge, without despairing." Otousama narrowed his eyes. "Is that strength or amorality? Which?"

"Probably neither. I've already decided that dying or hurting myself still further is just vanity. I can't change the past. Further, many people are lending me their strength, and someone loves me." I shrugged. "If that's so, I can only live. Knowing myself is necessary, hating myself is meaningless."

"Though with those eyes you love yourself but slenderly," Otousama said. "And that should probably be what I am worried about, rather than anything else."

"I'll learn to love myself again slowly, as you might with me," I said. "Though I don't imply any expectations."

"And this is all because of that girl, isn't it?" Otousama said. "At the least, she's also someone who transcends ordinary circumstances. You should be grateful! If it was any ordinary person, they'd surely be willing to kill you with your own hands! That's the extent of your sin, and value of Kuga's forgiveness."

I nodded slightly. "I know."

"No wonder you can face me like this, I suppose." Otousama blinked slowly, regarding me. "For all my wealth and power, even if it was all my gift to you I'd never be able to match that which she's given to you. Isn't that right?"

I nodded again. "Yes. Though one thing comes close."

Otousama ignored me, closing his eyes and leaning back. "No, perhaps this is what Viola saw clearly from the start… and I can see what follows from this." He opened his eyes, looking into my eyes. "If your life is in her hands for that forgiveness, then I can't say anything. Is this really what she wants?"

"Yes."

"How can you know?"

"Natsuki would never lie to me about something as important as this."

"Once again, the conviction of a lover…" Otousama folded his arms. "What are you going to do from now on?"

"I'm not sure," I said honestly. "We'll work it out together."

"Together?"

"My life might be in her hands, but she wouldn't want me to obliterate my own life," I said. "So I have no choice but to continue in a complex and ugly way like this, no?"

Otousama snorted again. "I suppose so. Well, I'll tell you one thing, Shizuru. Even if you doubt yourself, remember this. A lover without conviction will surely be despised."

"Yes. Though conviction can be very easily misplaced."

"Of course. But even with conviction, you may well be despised. We don't live in a perfect world. People will look askance if they know, their words and implications will be cruel, and your whole life's circumstances will become immeasurably harder. Do you both understand that?"

"We can't understand," I said. "Even so, we have to believe in ourselves. Even if you're the failed child of a failed father, or the disabled child cast off by your family, believing in yourself is right. Isn't that so, Otousama?"

He gave me a sour look. "I can't argue with that, surely enough. Well. If this is the situation, then I have no choice. I'll give you time enough. Once you've left university, come before me, if it's necessary. Until that day, within reason, do as you like. I won't stop you."

"Thank you very much. No, I can't thank you enough." I closed my eyes.

"Thank me by living well from now until then," Otousama said, turning his chair away and facing his desk again. "Though preferably out of my sight. As a father, I'd say the same thing, boy or girl."

I chuckled. "I'm a little relieved. There are limits to my courage."

"But that girl is right, after all," Otousama said, booting up his computer. "Though there's validity in past judgement, there's also a meaning in the future. And being controlled by the past is always wrong." He snorted. "Perhaps I still live that way, even so. But that's irrelevant. For her sake, Shizuru, I'll forgive you."

I stood and bowed. "I won't fail you again, Otousama."

"Her. Have you even been listening?"

I smiled slightly. "Sorry. I'll bear that in mind."

When I opened the door and stepped outside, there were two people waiting for me. But it was Natsuki who smiled.


	75. Chapter 75

**Windows of the Soul: Part Seventy-Five**

At this rate, I'll finish this story before or on the same day as my exams. Irony, you cruel, abusive but devilishly attractive mistress. But yes, we're wrapping up, just as a warning. Just remember that their story doesn't end, even when I stop telling it... so that's where all the stuff I've missed out will happen!

Including the promised kenjutsu fights. Damn. That was a long time ago...

* * *

I opened the door and stepped through; holding it and letting Shizuru step in. It wasn't exactly an invitation from the start, but we didn't want to stop talking. So it makes sense.

"In any case, Natsuki, all you have to do is keep smiling," Shizuru said reassuringly. "I'm sure everyone will love you, but in any case, we'll all be there too. If anything, it will be Tou-sama's friends who will end up intimidated."

"That's not very comforting when I have Mikoto to worry about and Reito be jealous of," I muttered. "Mai, too, she's a whole lot better at this stuff than me. Heck, even Shiho's used to formal environments…"

"Natsuki worries too much," Shizuru said. "You'll be fine. I'll look after you."

I blushed slightly; trying not look pleased by that. She was just teasing me. Well, though it's true, but pointing it out is teasing me. Right. "That really doesn't comfort me," I said roughly, turning away and sitting on top of my futon. "It's okay for you. You're used to these things."

"Right. And the first thing I learned was don't take them too seriously." Shizuru paused for a moment, yawning. "To be honest, I'm surprised you are…"

"Normally I wouldn't, but this is different," I said, trying to sound haughty. "It's pretty much that you've obliged me, you know. I have to get on with Viola, and even the old man, so what am I supposed to do?"

Shizuru giggled. "You shouldn't worry about that. They like you. At the least, more so than me, perhaps, right now. It's natural."

I smiled weakly, then folded me arms in an exaggerated way, pouting at her. "Hey, you're still sick, aren't you? Sit down and rest here, already, you're going to do yourself an injury!"

Shizuru nodded slightly, kneeling and sitting opposite me. "You're right, of course, I'm being a little irresponsible."

I sighed slightly. Honestly, she's really, really sensitive, except when she's not. "Come on. Sit on the futon, at least. You'll get cold."

"Is it okay?" Shizuru asked carefully.

"It's fine, it's fine," I said dismissively. "I mean, we've gone further, kinda. Quite a bit. It's annoying if you keep raising things like that." I winced, and closed my eyes, wishing I could say these things in a different way. I don't know. _Alluring_, I guess is the word. Or sexy. Hitchhiking or not, though, I couldn't seduce my way out of… anything.

Shizuru nodded, moving forwards and sitting on the futon. She put her hands on her lap and smiled at me. "I'm sorry. It looks like I'm troubling you again."

And Shizuru, Shizuru, damnit. She could do it. I know she could. But when she looks like that, I know there's no way she's going to, maybe ever. It's not like she's not… interested. No, because she is, she won't, or something. I sighed, scratching my cast with my left hand and feeling like the least sexy girl in Kyoto. This is seriously depressing.

"You're not troubling me," I said, a little more quietly. "And you're not troubling them, either. The old man came through for us, so there's nothing more to say, right?"

Shizuru nodded. "You're right, of course. I'm just being stubborn again."

"So smile, okay? You're getting me down." I glanced at her, but her crimson eyes were unwavering. That was something.

Shizuru smiled slightly. "I'll try that."

"That's why we need to worry about the future, not the past," I said, mostly to have something to say. "And this party is seriously worrying me, as you know by now. I know I'll manage… but, I just wish we'd had more time."

"The party isn't the real problem," Shizuru said. "We have other things to worry about. But if there's anything more you want to know, I'll tell you. You do look distracted, so it's worrying me."

"Really?" I said, all bravado. "It's not like I'm _that _worried about it…"

It's just that you're my girlfriend and it's been a while since we last did… stuff, and you're as attractive as ever and the hostage thing was a monumental kick up the backside about life is short, live without regrets, and besides that you look like you could do with the reassurance. So not to put too fine a point on it, can we hug a bit, and maybe kiss, and… well… let's just see how things go from there, okay?

Yeah. As if I could ever say that. I blushed, feeling stupid.

"It doesn't look that way," Shizuru said, giving me a concerned look. "Are you sure you're okay with this? I know it would be hard, with the injury too…" She looked away. "I'll say something to Okasama, after all."

"No! No. That's fine," I said weakly.

"It isn't fine," Shizuru said strictly. "If you're being upset by it, then I have to do something."

"I'm not upset by it or anything, though. And I won't forgive you if you say something, okay?" I said, a little more roughly than I'd intended.

Fool. Idiot. Moron. What happened to your amazing empathic skills, damnit!

Shizuru giggled. "Ara. Natsuki's being stubborn again. It looks like I won't be able to argue, after all."

"Damn straight," I said hotly, covering for myself. Yeah. Somehow, this was totally the wrong mood. "But… thanks," I tried, relaxing slightly. "I appreciate the sentiment."

Shizuru smiled. "You're welcome. I just wish I could offer more than sentiment."

"It's fine. You do so much for me as it is." I rubbed the back of my head, feeling pretty embarrassed. "If I came to totally depend on you, that'd be pretty bad."

"Not at all. I'm the one who's always leaning on Natsuki's kindness." Shizuru blinked at me, graceful and kind. "If you're thanking me, that's only going to make me guilty."

"That's not true," I said. "You've done a lot for me. I haven't forgotten, either."

"Hm. Well, if we counted up all the things we owe each other, we might be here a while."

I smiled, feeling a little excited. Right. This was much better. "Yeah, I guess so. It's really been a while, hasn't it? Years…"

"I owe Natsuki more, though," Shizuru said playfully. But despite her wry smile, I could see she seriously meant that, and wouldn't let me argue.

I sighed, falling back and letting my head hit the pillow. Yeah. That always ends up getting in our way. Normally it's my fault, though, so I can't blame anyone at all. And maybe that fear wasn't wrong, before. But I've been violently reminded. If I'm going to say I'll live in the future, I have to mean it. Even if I have to force myself just a bit. Besides which, really, is a hug too much to ask? You're too platonic, Shizuru. I know it's your idea of kindness, but it's going to be a pain if we keep on going like this.

"Are you okay, Natsuki? I suppose you're tired, after all. Should I leave you be?"

I looked up at the ceiling glumly. "No."

"Oh? Then you must be a little better off than I thought," Shizuru said, smiling in a catlike way. "Though you're worrying about something, aren't you?"

"I'm not worrying," I said unconvincingly. "I'm just thinking, okay? We need to do a lot of thinking, after all."

"That's true," Shizuru agreed. "Well, just remember, you can talk to me about anything. Or you can choose not to do so. Whatever Natsuki thinks best for her is what I want to."

"Sorry," I said, turning my head and looking at her. "It's not like I'm ignoring you or anything like that. Or, that's not the idea. Well, never mind."

Shizuru just smiled at me, in an understanding way.

The problem is I'm not subtle person. I scratched my cast. "How about you? You must be tired, so I guess I'm being selfish…"

"I'm okay. Sitting here counts as resting too."

And if I envy everyone else as being more apt than me at parties, it would go for this as well. Even Shiho has a certain brick-to-the-skull eloquence about expressing her affections.

"Somehow I doubt that," I murmured. "Just because we've got away with something, we really shouldn't keep pushing and seeing how far we can afford to go."

"Hm. Shall I go and sleep, then?"

"That's not what I meant."

"Ara."

I sighed. "Just because we shouldn't do something, doesn't mean I don't _want _to do something."

"There's something in that, indeed… well, I don't really want to go back either. Just sitting here and talking with you is fine." Shizuru cocked her head. "That's that a little cheesy, after all. Never mind."

I smirked. "Don't do that too much. It makes you sound bipolar."

"Technically, I think you mean schizophrenic…"

Well, one thing's true, at least. Somehow this has worked out. Maybe that wouldn't have been possible for someone else. Maybe it was only possible for me.

And for her, too. She'll never acknowledge thanks for any of this, but she was the same. At the least, though she didn't have to, she let me in again, rather than pushing me away.

"What would you have done?" I asked suddenly. "If I hadn't come with you here?"

"Hm?" Shizuru looked away thoughtfully. "I suppose, as I'd planned, and as they'd planned… learning about my parents' business, studying, preparing for university. It would have been very lonely. But I think I could bear it, at that point. I'd survive."

"Right? I guess that's true enough," I mused, putting my left hand behind my head.

"Hm. And Natsuki? I'm sure Mai-chan and everyone would be there for you."

"Yeah, probably. And studying would be harder." I frowned. "Though even if I say that, not so hard as here, apparently. And I'd also manage. But, I'd also be lonely. I knew that, even then."

"That's comforting. Even so, _I couldn't live without you_… I don't know whether I believe in those words or not," Shizuru mused, half to herself. "I'm an unreasonable person, but I think, at that time, my resolve was sincere."

"You sounded sincere enough," I said wryly. "You kinda hurt my feelings."

"Well, I'm sorry for that," Shizuru said cheerfully. "But, I suppose, at least… I couldn't live in a world without you. Or else I'd rather die knowing you're alive, but-" Shizuru broke off, looking embarrassed. "Ara. There really isn't a good way to put this, after all. Let's just say I tend to overreact a bit and leave it at that."

I smirked. "Now that's an understatement."

"They're less embarrassing than overstatements, after all."

I shifted my head slightly, feeling my hand go numb. "But, you know, it's a funny thought… now that we're here, it all seems to make so much sense. It feels like it's obvious. But when you look at how got here, it wasn't. Maybe it would have ended if I'd stayed on that day. Maybe it wouldn't have. I don't know."

"Hindsight is a strange thing. And commonplaces are commonplaces, I suppose."

I pouted. "I thought that was quite profound, thanks."

"Of course. I was referring to what I'd just said, actually, which wasn't very helpful."

"Oh, right. Well, you're not wrong. Maybe we might have ended up here somehow anyway, but it isn't a certain thing. Destiny… it doesn't exist, after all."

"Apart from one destiny," Shizuru observed. "And Mai broke it."

"Clumsy girl. Who's she going to apologise to for doing that?" I said playfully.

"I wonder. Though we shouldn't be hard on her." Shizuru glanced down at me, smiling coyly. "Maybe we also weren't meant to be."

I grinned. "Yeah. Maybe. That makes me feel kinda kickass, actually."

"Though I'm sure every teenage lover everywhere thinks the same way…"

"You always spoil things like that," I said. "Isn't being helplessly self-indulgent fine, every once in a while?"

"Ara. Well, perhaps, but I don't trust myself at all. If I ever let go, I wouldn't stop, while I was around you."

I gave her a suspicious look. "You're not going to footnote that, are you?"

Shizuru chuckled and shook her head. "No. That one can stand."

"I'll give you that one, then." I frowned. "Though it feels like a contradiction."

"Never think too hard about these things, okay?"

"Because that's your job?"

"Maybe so."

But being blatant isn't all bad, either. I shouldn't forget that.

I sat up, shaking out my left hand. "It's cute, though. You can say some nice things when you try."

"Saying is all I have. It always seems to be Natsuki who's doing nice things," Shizuru returned amicably.

"Do you think so?" I asked. I unzipped my jacket with my left hand, doing my best to free the zip at the bottom. "It doesn't seem that way."

"Well, I wonder," Shizuru said. "At the least, you work very hard."

"If you think so, then do something too," I suggested, sliding it off. The left arm was easy, the right less so. And I played that up even more. "Hey, can you help me with this?"

Shizuru nodded, shifting closer and helping me slip it off over the cast. "This must be quite a problem for you," she commented.

"There's something in that," I admitted, putting my jacket aside. I pulled my T-shirt down slightly. "It's a real bother. But I can live with it, you know."

"I'm glad. I just wish there was something I could do."

"I'll tell you if there is," I said, standing and doing my level best to look innocent. My left hand fumbled with my trousers.

Shizuru flushed, turning around instantly. "Natsuki, um- are getting ready for bed?"

"That's right," I said calmly. "It is kinda late. But, you know, it's a real pain with just one hand, after all…"

Shizuru stood. "I see. I suppose I'd better get back to my room, then."

I raised my left hand and grabbed a lock of her hair. "Hey, there's no need, right?" I said. "Stay here for a bit."

"But-"

"Unless you're tired or something. I'll be staying up for a while," I said, letting her hair run through my fingers before releasing it. That has to count for something. "I was getting hot, that's all.

"I'll bear that in mind," Shizuru said, glancing back at me.

I met her gaze then turned away. I'd been kinda glad she'd turned away, because now my blushing was totally telegraphing my intentions. It's not cool at all. I managed to escape from my trousers without further difficulty, kicking them aside with one foot. Inspiration struck when I looked down at my legs. "Hey, Shizuru?" I asked, pulling my shirt up slightly and touching my thigh. "You see anything here?"

Shizuru looked down almost inevitably, blushing slightly. "Not particularly…" she said loosely.

Apart from my panties, probably. I managed to grin through my embarrassment, though. "Precisely. The wound's healed, you know. Not even a scar."

"That's good," Shizuru said. "It's a little saddening, but I'd almost forgotten about that."

"Don't worry. Me too." I bent over, picking up my clothes and carrying them across the room. I opened the wardrobe and put them inside. And I knew without looking she was looking at me this time, instead of looking away. "How about you? Have your bruises healed?"

"The old ones have," Shizuru said. "But I've picked up new ones. In any case, you're in remarkably good shape, considering."

"I'll take that as a compliment," I said, closing the wardrobe and turning to face her again. Actually, once you get used to it, this is kinda comfortable.

"Another nice thing," Shizuru said wryly. "Though I'm surprised at see you putting clothes away."

"That isn't nice at all," I complained, walking towards her. "And sit down. You're making me awkward."

"If you say so," Shizuru said, falling effortlessly into seiza as usual. She put her hands on her lap and looked up at me. "Is that one of Mai-chan's shirts?"

"You know, I have no idea," I said, looking down at it again. I sat next to her, leaning arm against arm, and working out what to do next. So much for plans, huh. "Say, Shizuru, can I ask you a question?" I asked suddenly.

And she didn't move away, and felt relaxed. Yeah, even the idiot savant of human relations can read my mood like this. "Oh? Anything interesting?"

I turned my head to look across the room, feeling my hair brush against hers. "If you were planning to seduce someone, how would you do it?"

"Ara. Is Natsuki planning to do something like that?" Shizuru said lightly. "Should I be worried, I wonder?"

"Hm. Well, I don't know," I said. Intuition, huh? My heart was beating, if nothing else. But I tried to sound calm. That's how it's done, right? "There's this cute person, but they're totally timid and won't make any moves at all. So I have to do something, right?"

"Ara, ara. Yes, that could be a problem." Shizuru glanced at my face, smiling. "But what makes you think I'll be helpful?"

And Shizuru, after initial stumbling, makes like a cucumber in a freezer. No wonder I always feel so pressurised. But I won't lose! "It just seems like you'd know these things," I returned, turning to meet her gaze. "Perhaps you could teach me a few things."

"A lesson?" Shizuru suggested, with a slight catch in her voice. So she was nervous, after all.

And I was also realising how completely different this was from our other moments together, after all. But I'll just go with the flow. "How about a demonstration?" I suggested.

I'm putting the pressure on her, now, but she just nodded. "Well, then," she said, turning her body to face mine. "I'd probably take their shoulders, like this, and turn them a bit-"

"Not that shoulder," I said hastily, just before she squeezed. That was close.

"Not that shoulder," she said, letting go. She touched my cheek again, and suddenly she was pushing me down and I was letting myself fall. Blood rushed to my cheeks, but she kissed my ear before I could say a word. "Like so." She shifted her mouth sideways, pecking me on the cheek. Her other hand brushed over my neck before she pulled away, looking into my eyes. "I'm sorry," she said, putting her hand on my left arm and leaning over me. "But I've been holding myself back a little…"

I looked up at her, then unfolded my legs and slid them down, to either side of her knees. "Did you think you'd be able to please someone like me while holding back?" I asked, reaching up and grabbing her sleeve. "Idiot."

Shizuru smirked. "Be careful about that," she said, leaning down and kissing me on the lips.

It was a complex and very physical awareness. I was lying back, feeling daringly underdressed, and my legs closed instinctively to embrace hers, and our bodies were very close indeed, our hearts were pulsing and her lips were very warm, and moist, and they tasted of her, pushing my head down hard against the ground, and I opened my mouth permissively, and-

"Ow!"

My voice was a little… muffled… but Shizuru sprang away instantly, looking down with wide-eyed concerning. Unfortunately the act of springing only aggravated the pain, and I ended up clutching my arm and biting my lip. "Ow-ow-ow _shit_…"

"Natsuki? What's wrong?" Shizuru asked, looking stricken.

I tried to force a smile. "My arm. I think you… pulled it."

"I'm really sorry," Shizuru said, sliding back slightly. "And after you'd warned me, too… I'm really, really sorry…"

I shook my head slightly, willing the pain to fade. "It's no big deal," I said weakly.

"It is, though. I could have seriously hurt you. I'll get someone-"

"Don't!" I said urgently. "What would you say, anyway?"

"But-"

"It's fine. More importantly, don't worry about it." She looked absolutely mortified, so I pushed myself up and grabbed her shoulder. "Come on, let's just take it easy," I suggested, pulling her down with me. And being very careful to make sure she didn't fall on me.

We ended up lying side by side, looking at the same ceiling. "I'm pretty sure I'm fine," I said eventually. "The pain's already fading. You just pulled it a little."

Shizuru didn't say anything for a few moments. "I think I pulled something in my stomach."

I snorted, trying to laugh. "It looks like we were getting ahead of ourselves…"

"Seems that way."

"It can't be helped," I said, glancing at her. "Sorry about that."

"Not at all. It was my fault for being so reckless," Shizuru began, glancing at me. "I should have been more careful-"

She stopped talking when I pressed two fingers of my left hand to her lips. "That's enough, idiot."

Shizuru looked into my eyes for a moment, then held my hand there and kissed my fingers.

"Idiot. You'll make me do something dangerous again," I warned, looking away.

Shizuru chuckled, letting go. "It sure feels like I can't hug you without hurting you, after all."

"Hey. I was worried, you know. I've been sitting here all evening trying to work out how to get you to jump me," I protested. "You're not allowed to recant that now."

"Then I'm sorry for that." Shizuru cocked her head slightly, looking into my eyes. "But I did warn you to be careful about that," she teased lightly.

I prodded her on the nose then relaxed, lying back. "You were too right… just bear it in mind, okay? You need to read the mood a little more."

"And to be a little more careful," Shizuru said. "Well, it's not like I really know what to do either. You were terrifying, you know."

I blinked. "Seriously?"

"Perhaps not terrifying. But you shouldn't act like I'm totally confident either," Shizuru chided. "I was very frightened. Though it was a lot of fun, too."

"Same here, so I can't make any promises," I said. "What can I say? You do aggression better than me."

"Somehow I'm inclined to doubt that," Shizuru said. "You were doing pretty well yourself."

"Well, we can work out the details later," I suggested. "We'll be able to try a lot, anyway."

"I'll prepare myself for that," Shizuru said, sitting up. She pulled off her own jumper and put it aside.

"What's up?" I asked, watching her.

Shizuru adjusted her body's position, resting her head against the pillow. She touched my flank when I joined her there, smirking. "You feel cold."

"Which is pretty amazing under the circumstances," I said. "My arm is burning."

"Then I'll have to be clever," Shizuru said, rolling over and facing me. She pulled the covers up from under me and slipped them over us both, supporting them with her shoulder. "Better?"

Admittedly, yes, my legs had been cold. So I nodded. "This looks pretty… something, doesn't it?" I noted dryly. "Are you sure Viola isn't going to walk in or something?"

"I think she's already gone to bed with Saaya."

I smirked. "What, them too?"

Shizuru blushed. "That's not what I meant… besides which, that's a really weird thought. That's my mother, you know!"

"And that's my daughter, she says," I returned. "Maybe we should be more conscientious, after all."

Shizuru smiled, resting her head on the pillow. "Perhaps. But I think she'll forgive me this."

"Just as long as it isn't the old man," I said. "He sleeps with Viola, right?"

"I seriously don't know, I seriously don't want to know," Shizuru said, closing her eyes. "You should be conscientious, for a start!"

"Sorry, sorry. My bad." I looked up at the ceiling, and kept my horribly inappropriate thoughts to myself.

Does that cunning old bastard get two for one, I wonder? He might actually be a stealthy genius in that field, after all…

I winced. Actually, Shizuru's right. I seriously don't want to know either.

"In any case, we need to talk about a few things," Shizuru said, opening her eyes and looking at me. "Is that okay, or do you want to rest?"

"Go ahead," I said. "I won't be able to sleep for a while now."

"In the first instance, if you want to, I'll try to be more animated from now on," Shizuru said, resting her head on her hands. "But I've been holding back for a year or so, excepting that time… so bear with me, okay? I'm not used to letting my actions match my feelings."

"That's my line," I said. "We're going to have to forgive each other a lot, after all."

Shizuru snorted. "We've had practise at that."

"Yep. To be honest, though, I think any relationship with a firm grounding in apologising is sounder than one with a handle on that kissing or romance or nonsense like that," I said. "Though we're still going to do that stuff too. I'm not letting you off the hook or anything."

"Perish the thought." Shizuru glanced at me. "But we don't have a lot of time, either. When the holiday ends, what shall we do?"

I gave her an uneasy look. "Isn't waiting to settle that fine? We can see how things go."

"I think it's better if we settled it now." Shizuru gave me a cautious look. "Though, for my part, I'd like to keep up our relationship, even over that distance. But I'd understand if you didn't want to-"

"Me too, of course," I said, with the abruptness of relief. "Honestly, don't ask things like that so suddenly…"

"Are you sure? It'll be tough, Natsuki." Shizuru smiled weakly. "If you are sure, then I'm happy. But I don't want to hold you back."

"I feel the same way about you," I said, glaring at her. "No, actually, I don't. My inclination is to tie you up with string to make sure you'll never be able to fall for other people ever. So don't ask me to be graceful. This is too serious for dishonesty."

Shizuru giggled. "That's very flattering. But be careful with that string. It sounds kinky."

I pouted at her.

"And one other thing. How open are we going to be about our relationship?"

I blinked. "Uh… frankly, Shizuru, unless we start making out at the breakfast table it ain't going to get any more open than this."

Shizuru laughed. "That sounds tempting. But I don't mean with my family and our friends. You're right to say they know, after all. But in terms of other people, what do we do?" She sobered slightly. "Otousama reminded me of this, but we can't expect everyone to be as benevolent as our friends are. They're kind, and even then, I think some approve more than others do. That's natural."

I sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "Well, until I met you, I was alone. I'm used to being an outsider, a strange person, and I like being straight-forwards." I blinked slowly. "But, I'm also used to keeping deep secrets, as well. I can deal with that. You're the one who cares more for the regard of others, so I'll do whatever you think best."

"Technically, I can be a little shameless about others," Shizuru said. "It's better to say that caring is my responsibility… in any case, I appreciate the sentiment. You're a proud person, so it can't be easy for you."

"Don't say that as if you're not proud too," I teased.

"Well, my feeling is to be honest," Shizuru said. "If only because lying has never served me quiet as well as it was supposed to."

I nodded. "If you're sure, that's fine."

"I won't flaunt it, of course. That would be vulgar. But I'll answer if people ask." Shizuru sighed. "Even if that means some people will despise me, and us… and our life might become difficult, I'm going to have to be proud to that extent."

"Right. Besides, we've dealt with worse," I pointed out. "If nothing else, there should be less people trying to kill us now."

"There's something in that," Shizuru mused.

"And in any case, we're a couple," I said, glancing at her again. "So you aren't allowed to go out with other people. Not even boys. Even fake, at parties or whatever. And no arranged marriages!"

Shizuru smiled. "That shouldn't be a problem. Otousama's given me time, for now."

I sighed, smiling. "Then that'll have to do."

There's a lot to be said for being in the same bed as her, actually. It feels very… something. Always with the somethings. I want to live happily with you and feel in all those blanks, Shizuru.

"Was there anything else?" Shizuru frowned. "It feels like this should be a lot more complicated."

"It seems like that's everything," I said. "But that's fine, isn't it? We've struggled for this long."

"When things go so well, it makes me worry that I'm missing something," Shizuru said. "Let's see…"

"Just relax, already. How about that party? That, I'm still worried about."

"You'll be fine," Shizuru said reassuringly. "Probably. Even if you aren't, it's not a big deal."

"Oh, thanks."

"Not at all."

I sighed. "Well, hopefully I'll manage."

Shizuru yawned slightly. "I'll sleep on it, and see if I can think of anything more we need to talk about in the morning." She leaned forwards, kissing me on the cheek. "Good night."

I grabbed her arm with my left hand before she could stand. "You stay there. _I'll _get the light, okay?"

Shizuru was silent for a moment, then she smiled. "Okay. If you insist."

I stood and crossed the room. And I took the chance to discreetly rub my arm, too. Whatever else, but damnit, that had _hurt_.


	76. Chapter 76

**Windows of the Soul: Part Seventy-Six**

What am I going to do after this? In the short term, I'll rest. Then I'll write some original fiction. And at some point in the future, I'll probably write fanfiction again. I've learned from past mistakes, though, so this time I won't make any promises about what I'm writing. Who knows what will dominate my mind in six months time?

It'll probably be yuri, though. In any case, there will be one part of indeterminate length to follow this one, and that will be the last. Thank you to all my readers, that compliment of reading for this long is truly appreciated.

* * *

I woke up a little hotter and more uncomfortable than I was used to, even with my arm. But the futon was meant for one person, after all. I blinked tiredly at the wall opposite me, gathering myself. In a minute, I'd get up. Probably. In the meantime, tried to remember whatever I'd been dreaming about. It had been pretty vivid, but at least it hadn't been too sad.

Honestly, I'm through with sad stories.

And I'm pretty sure there's an arm about my body that doesn't belong to me. Strangely, I'm not sure whether I can be bothered to move it. This is surprisingly comfortable.

But I did sit up, in the end, sliding clear of her and pushing my hair out of my eyes with my left hand. I twitched the fingers of my right hand, glad that it wasn't hurting too much. Or at all. Really, it was just very stiff, though it'd be a while before I'd trust it again. Honestly, being wounded this badly just after me and Shizuru sorted things out, fate itself is conspiring against us. At the least we're used to that, and can handle it. But it's still very annoying.

And she was sleeping peacefully when I looked down at her, which made me smile slightly despite myself. Honestly, she was tired after all. I guess I was being a little selfish. Or else I'm reading too much into this, but at least she's sleeping soundly now. And if her face is any evidence, she isn't having a bad dream either. And that's something.

I touched her hair almost absently, then noticed myself and pulled my hand away. Honestly, what am I doing? Shizuru's right, there should be limits to romantic nonsense. But she really does pretty when she's asleep, though not so pretty as when she's awake. Even now, though, she only lets herself be peaceful rarely, so it's good to see that, too. And it's good, too, that she's here by my side. I'm not sure how long we'll be able to keep such a lazy and enjoyable way of life, so I have to cherish it while I can. And remember.

A year ago, I wouldn't let her be like this because… I'm not sure. I suppose it never occurred to me; even if Shizuru was still carrying that feeling inside she kept it close and silent and never said anything at all. And so, to me, Shizuru was just Shizuru, useful and worrying and warm and kind and always, always interesting. I never quite made sense of it. I'd say as was using her, even though I knew I didn't have that kind of power… well, with hindsight, perhaps I was using her, but at that point I didn't know what power I had over her. Sometimes in my heart of hearts I wondered quietly whether I was being used, because it felt that way, a little, though I didn't know exactly what I was being used for. And that wasn't wrong either. So while I was as close to her as I was to anyone, I always pushed her away to a certain distance. She let me do that. I said it was because I didn't want any distractions from what I wanted to do. I guess I was a miserable enough figure, all in all. The truth was I was just afraid.

Well, not like she asked me to sleep with her or anything. But I wasted a lot of my time, all the same, not knowing her as well as I should have done, and not understanding anything at all.

A month ago, I wouldn't let her because I was afraid, so very afraid, and because in a small way, I hated her. Even so, I didn't want her to be miserable. I've never been able to be as cold and detached as I've always tried to be, and if I think about it, once again, that's probably because of her. She was always in the back of my mind, for good or for ill. But goodwill didn't change the fact that I was scared. It wasn't just what she did, exactly, though my body hasn't stopped reacting to the hazy memory of that ever since. It was the unimaginable side of her that I'd witnessed in the Carnival. She never pretended it had died, and I knew it hadn't. So I turned away, and kept away, or rather I didn't exactly distance myself from her. She distanced herself from me in a lot of small ways, short meetings, dropped sentences, absently thoughts, and I let her do that. It was safe to live like that, but even so, it didn't make me happy. I couldn't just forgive her, but I couldn't just forget her either. And in a way, I knew what I had to do all along. I had to face her, and our past, and all our regrets. At the least, I had to make her say something. I had to say something. All of those things. But I put that off and off and off, running away and hoping that things would get better. Once again, I was just afraid. That hadn't changed.

But somehow things turned out okay, when I finally remembered and decided and struggled. It was like this in the Carnival, actually, when I think about it. When I thought about just who I was fighting for, I was finally able to do something meaning. Called the Eleventh-Hour Hime, I guess, and it's a really bad habit. That's not to say we did this painfully. It's been really hard for both of us, and that won't change. We've come from different circumstances, but we haven't lead easy lives. Even so, we're still going to fight. We're stubborn like that.

And when I sleep in the same bed as you, and look upon your sleeping face, I'm no longer as frightened of that as I was before. It has a warmer and a better meaning now. And that's a change I can't explain right now, even to myself. Perhaps my future self will understand.

What I will say is that I've got more real and important worries than the shadows of our past, now I've given you my forgiveness.

I was lost in those thoughts when there was a knock on the door, and Hideko stepped in. "So she is here. Good morning."

I glanced up, nodding at her. "Good morning."

"I won't disturb you," Hideko said. "I'm just preparing the clothes."

"Sure." Then I blinked, looked down, and decided that staying in my underwear and a thin T-shirt all day probably wasn't a great dear after all. "I'll go have a shower," I said, standing and stretching my left arm. "Could you put something out for when I get back?"

"Of course. But is that okay, with your bandages?"

I frowned. Oh, yeah. What a point. "I'll manage, I guess. I just have to keep them out of the water, right?"

Hideko nodded. "Though if you let me look at them, I'm sure I could cut them away and replace them afterwards, and the cast itself should be okay."

"Thanks, but I'll probably play it safe," I said, walking towards the bathroom.

"By the way, Kuga-san, your kimono has arrived. Just in time, it's very fortunate."

"Really?" I said. "Something to look forwards to…"

Maybe I was being a little sarcastic. But it would make Shizuru happy.

I showered quickly, sparing my right shoulder, then dried myself off as well as I could with one hand, aiming to be back and dressed before Shizuru was awake. When I stepped back into my bedroom, though, she was already sitting up. I stepped forwards, glad I'd thought to put my shirt on again afterwards, just in case. "Good morning."

"Good morning, Natsuki," Shizuru said. "Sorry to intrude."

For all the world as if she'd snuck in at night or something. "Not at all," I said, pulling my damp hair away from my neck. "I didn't wake you, right?"

Shizuru shook her head. "No. How are you feeling? Does your shoulder hurt?"

"It's fine," I assured her, looking around for my clothes. I was surprised to see a blouse and skirt had been put out, instead of the kimono. "So what's up today? The party thing is today, right?"

"That's correct," Hideko said politely. "About an hour before, we'll help you two dress appropriately in the kimono. You're free until then."

Oh. So that's why. "I got it," I said. "More importantly, can't I wear trousers in the meantime?"

"If you like," Hideko said. "But we don't have many in house, least of all in your size…"

"A skirt's fine, isn't it?" Shizuru suggested. "You always managed in our uniform, right?"

"Out of necessity rather than choice," I grumbled, gathering up the clothes and preparing to head for bathroom again. "Well, the same logic again, I guess."

"By the way, Natsuki, you're free until then means _studying_," Shizuru said firmly, glancing up at me.

I pouted. "But there's a party today. Can't we wait until after-"

"No."

I sighed. "Stingy."

Shizuru giggled. "Well, you have to pass somehow."

I was careful to hide my smile as I stepped in again. This all started the same way, after all.

* * *

"You shouldn't worry so much, Natsuki-chan. It cramps your style."

"That's easy for you to say," Natsuki said defensively. "I wasn't born for this stuff, okay?"

I smiled, standing still to let Hideko fuss around the arrangement of my hair. "I don't think anyone is. But it's fine, isn't it? They're still just people, after all."

"It's a matter of atmosphere, alright? Atmosphere!"

I closed my eyes. "Well, there's some truth in that, but we'll manage, all the same."

"How is it going, Saaya, Hideko-san? Almost done?" Okasama asked.

"Yes, Fujino-sama." Hideko slid the final kanzashi into place and stepped back, checking her handiwork.

"And here, too, though Natsuki-chan moves too much," Saaya said cheerfully. "Just give me a minute more."

"Honestly, its summer," Natsuki complained, tugging discontentedly on her haori. "What's with all the layers we have to wear?"

"Bear with it, Natsuki," I said encouragingly. "I'll be sure to find a reward for you afterwards, okay?"

She sighed. "That really isn't very comforting."

Hideko circled me thoughtfully, then adjusted the set of my haori with careful hands. "This really is masterful work. As one would expect of Kikuchi-sama, it is almost intimidating to work with such fine material."

"You shouldn't tease me, Hideko-san," Okasama said wryly. "I'm rapt with frustrated anticipation already."

She blinked and bowed her head. "My apologies, Fujino-sama."

"She's teasing you," I said, touching her lightly on the shoulder. "Besides which, it's not your fault if Okasama has strange hobbies that hardly suit her condition at all."

"I'm wounded, Shizuru," Okasama said, sounding more like she was amused. "But never mind."

"And we're done," Saaya said, stepping away. "Honestly, though, Natsuki-chan, it's very difficult to work with that arm at all. Couldn't you have been wounded somewhere more convenient?"

"Well, sorry about that," Natsuki said, cocking her head and glaring at her reflection.

"What do you think?" I asked.

"My hair feels weird," Natsuki said briefly, before turning away and glancing at me. "Well, I suppose it looks good, it an eighteenth-century kind of way."

"I think you're being anachronistic," I said, then caught her glare. "But I'll forgive you. You look very elegant, Natsuki."

"Hm." Saaya retreated to Okasama's side, helping her stand and regarding us thoughtfully. "Winter and Summer, is it? If it was a sales talk, at the least she's pulled it off. Move closer together, you two."

I stepped closer to Natsuki and took her arm, cocking my head slightly. "Like this?"

"That's good," Saaya said, following Okasama. Hideko stepped deftly back out of the way while the other two inspected us, Saaya talking swiftly and surely under her breath.

"Don't grip too hard. You'll hurt me again." Natsuki sighed. "In any case, I feel like I'm being sold or something."

"Indulge me a little, Natsuki-chan," Okasama said. "Old people are allowed to have follies."

"Besides which, if you stop and think about it, this is the least we can do, isn't it?" I said sweetly.

Natsuki frowned, catching my meaning. "Well, yeah. Thanks a lot for this, by the way. It's more than I deserve…"

"Don't even think that way," Okasama chided. "This is just a token of our esteem, so please don't think of it as something owed."

"Or else she wants to see Natsuki in a kimono more often, one of the two," I said happily. "Personally, I have no objection to that."

"Now, face the mirror," Saaya suggested. "You two should take an interest as well."

We turned around and looked.

My kimono was bright yellow, and embroidered with tiny, intricate crimson flowers.

And Natsuki's was a deep blue, traced with spindly lines of powdery white.

"It really does go with your eyes," I said appreciatively.

"Well, at least she got my colour right," Natsuki conceded. "And if the theme's winter, that's probably more apt than she thinks."

"For an ice princess?" I suggested playfully.

Natsuki snorted. "That's not what I meant. Well, it's fine, I guess."

"And this one is beautiful, too," I said, pulling the sleeve down slightly. "If I do say so myself. Remind me not to kill anyone in this kimono."

"Shizuru!"

I gave her an apologetic smile. "Sorry. I guess that was very inappropriate…"

"Yeah, kinda." Natsuki frowned. "Though it's also kinda good that you can say things like that at all, so I don't know." She shook her head dismissively. "Let's just say I'll let it slide for now, okay?"

I chuckled. "Okay, I'll bear that in mind."

"You're right, though," Natsuki said. "It does suit you. Especially the eyes."

"Red's my colour, after all," I said lightly.

Red for blood. But I have to live with that side of me, as well. It's not all bad.

"In any case, we can get going," Okasama said. "Shinri is probably wrapping up with the others, so now is a good time. We can meet up and go together, as the Fujino family."

Natsuki touched her hair with her left hand, almost impaling herself before pulling away. "Should I go on ahead, then? I don't want to get in your way."

"Coming with us is fine," Saaya said reassuringly, ushering us into motion. "Besides, the effect is spoiled if you two aren't standing next to each other, okay? Bear that in mind."

"I knew there had to be a catch," Natsuki muttered.

We stepped out and set off down the corridor, Hideko bowing. I waved at her. "Thank you for all your help."

"Not at all. Please enjoy yourself," Hideko replied, smiling back at me.

She's a good person, I know. She's also waited patiently, ever since the Carnival.

"But trust Shinri to find business to attend to, even on a time like this," Okasama mused. "Well, he's working hard for us, so I can't criticise him at all."

"Just be sure to stop him before he overdoes it, okay?" Natsuki said. "He's a stubborn bastard, right?"

Okasama chuckled. "That isn't quite the term I'd use, but you aren't wrong, after all."

"Well, it's the term _I'd _use," Saaya said brightly. "And we will make sure he wraps up soon rather than later than that."

By the time we'd arrived at Otousama's study, though, that already appeared to be happening. A balding man blinked as he spotted us, followed by his handsome son. "Viola! It's been a while, my dear."

"It's good to see you again, Ryouji," Okasama said. "I hope Shinri hasn't been troubling you too much."

"Not at all, not at all," he said, walking towards us. "I have every sympathy with him on this, after all…"

"Ryouji Sugiyama-sama," I said quietly, for Natsuki's benefit. "A construction magnate."

"And you're here too, Shizuru-chan," Ryouji said. "It's good to see you're looking well, even after that nightmarish circumstance. With reference to that, I can only express my deepest sympathies and regret."

"Thank you very much," I said, bowing my head. "At the least, we have all survived. I ask for nothing more."

"And for my part, too." Taira said, bowing his head. "It has been too long, Shizuru."

"My sentiments are the same," I said, bowing my head in turn. "And allow me to introduce Natsuki Kuga. Natsuki, this is Taira Sugiyama."

Natsuki blinked, then nodded briefly. "Hi."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Taira said. "Any friend of Shizuru's has my upmost respect."

"Both grown up, aren't they, Viola?" Ryouji remarked. "It makes me feel very old."

Viola chuckled. "Perhaps so, but there's a little pride too. Has Suzuha gone on ahead?"

"That's right. I wouldn't trouble the younger ones with my long conversations, fascinating as they are for an old man like me." Ryouji nodded again, touching Viola's arm briefly. "We all respect Shinri's intentions. We'll do everything we can."

"That's far more than we can ask," Viola said. "I can only thank you."

"And we'll go on ahead, too," Ryouji said, turning. "Come, Taira."

"I'll look forwards to talking to you further, Shizuru," Taira said, smiling slightly. He nodded, before turning to follow his father.

I watched him go, smiling indulgently. "Ara. He really is all grown up."

"Just who is that guy, anyway?" Natsuki demanded sourly. "Do you even know him?"

"We've met a fair number of times on social occasions," I said, before turning and smiling at her. "Why, are you jealous?"

"Not really. What's there to be jealous of?"

I nodded. "Well, quite. Compared to you, Natsuki, I can't say I know Taira very well at all."

"Yes, yes." Saaya sighed. "I hope you two will be gentle with poor Taira-kun. He's become quite a gentle man."

Okasama chuckled. "Should I be the jealous one now? But in any case, I'm glad they're both doing well."

"I don't like that guy," Natsuki complained. "He reminds me of Reito."

"You have a point," I noted. "I wonder whether they'll hate each other?"

"Or else scheme world domination together," Natsuki groused, folding her arms. "Sure sounds dangerous."

The door opened again and Otousama stepped out. "Well, that's all," he said briefly, before turning and nodding at us. "Ready?"

"I'll consider it," a voice said gruffly. I blinked, but there wasn't any mistaking the man who stepped out by his side. A massive bulk that belied a frame as strong as Otousama's, short brown hair and striking grey eyes that darted us. "Aha. So the pack's all here."

Okasama cocked her head. "It's a pleasure to see you, Akitaka-"

"Viola! It's good to see you!" And that overly tall blonde woman exploded out from behind her husband and crushed Okasama in a hug, like always.

"It's been a while, Gloria," Okasama replied, sounding half-strangled. She kept her hands very carefully by her side, bearing with the indignity as gracefully as ever. "How have you been?"

"Marvellous! Though I was surprised, I thought you might be ill again. I'm always by Aki's side on occasions like this."

"And little Shizu-chan, too," Akitaka-san said, glancing briefly at me. "You've had her dolled up nice, Shin. I like it."

"That would be Viola's efforts," Shinri said coolly. "I'm glad you approve."

"A woman's touch, of course. Well, she must be hot in all that. Wouldn't catch me wearing it."

"Who's this guy?" Natsuki asked quietly, but not so quietly she wouldn't be heard by everyone.

"This is-" I began.

"Akitaka Suzushiro," he said proudly, drawing himself up.

"My kohai," Shinri said bluntly.

Akitaka-san thumped him hard on the shoulder, laughing bluffly. "There he goes again. It's a nice world-view."

"Suzushiro as in, that Suzushiro?" Natsuki hissed, grabbing my shoulder.

I'd blinked slowly, collecting myself with effort. "Yes."

And surely enough, Haruka stepped out from behind her parents, and glanced briefly at me. Yukino, in return, resolved herself from the shadow of her friend and waved timidly, not quite meeting our eyes. "Hi, Kaichou-san, Kuga-san…"

"So you are here!" Natsuki said, blinking and folding her arms. "You haven't brought Nao or something, right? At this rate we'll have a full house."

"Let's go, Yukino," Haruka said curtly, stepping past all of us and heading for the hall.

There was a moment's silence at this, since even for our families, that was going unusually far. But no one said anything, of course. That would be crass for us and an admission of mistakes for them.

"Hey, that's rude," Natsuki said, loudly and curtly. "You could at least say hi."

"Don't worry about it, Natsuki," I said calmly, almost automatically. "I can appreciate that dignity. It's something I'd do myself, don't you think? I'm a little flattered."

"Hey, who said anything about you, bubuzuke!" Haruka said loudly, turning to glare at me and ignoring Yukino, who was tugging on her shoulder. "Just ignoring people is all you do anyway!"

"Good day, Suzushiro-san," I said, turning and smiling serenely at her. "I take it from that vigour that you're well?"

Haruka gave me an irritated look, then turned and swept away. Yukino paused to wave weakly at us before hurrying after her.

I turned away and closed my eyes, pressing my hands against my chest. Even a brief encounter like that was trying, after all. Haruka would never hold back about making a guilty person feel that way, even if she says nothing aloud. I suppose that's admirable enough in its own way.

"As loud as ever," Natsuki said, sighing.

"You shouldn't read too much into these things," Okasama said brightly. "After all, Shizuru assures me that Haruka was one of her most trusted and effective _subordinates_ at school. Isn't that right, darling?"

"I'm not so sure about that," Gloria replied, laughing. "What is it you say, dear? It's the middle management that do all the _real _work?"

"That's right," Akitaka-san said. "We just collect the fat cheques, isn't that right, Shin? I'm sure Shizu-chan's very practised at that."

"I've always valued Haruka's contribution to the school," I said neutrally, taking a deep breath. This hereditary argument is currently even more suffocating than usual. "She's a person with many good qualities."

"If you were to say that they were placed to appropriately utilise their respective strengths, I'd certainly agree with you," Otousama said, ignoring me.

"Hey, hey, don't involve us in this stuff," Natsuki said irritably. "It's tiring enough as it is."

Once again, the implicit rules of the universe had been violated. "So you're Kuga," Akitaka-san said, after a moment. "I'm surprised."

I wonder how much they know. It isn't wise to underestimate Haruka's inability to conceal anything- or his intellect.

"Don't be," Natsuki said boldly, putting her left hand on her hip. She never needs a clear question to find a snappy answer either.

"Commiseration for experiencing what you did," Akitaka-san said. "And for all of you, as well, of course. It's an intolerable situation for anyone."

Gloria just nodded.

"What's done is done. We're just glad to be as lucky as we are, considering that circumstance," Okasama said. "Thank you for your kindness, though."

"But trust Shin here to be so ruthless," Akitaka-san said genially. "I hear the minister was crying like a girl at some of the headlines. I'd feel sorry for him if he wasn't such a dick."

Okasama giggled. "Far be it from us to do anything but raise our concerns, I'm afraid."

"Really? Well, we have rope round his balls," Akitaka-san said, bringing his hands together. "We're gonna hang the bastard. Ain't that right, Shin?"

"Your enthusiasm is very appreciated, on this at least," Otousama said. "If it's the two of us, at the least, we'll obtain such a result."

"Shit is shit, after all," Akitaka-san said dismissively. "Now, do you have any nibbles?"

"I'll show you the way," Saaya said, bowing her head. "Please follow me."

"Follow on quick, okay?" Gloria advised Okasama. "There'll be nothing left, you know."

"I'll bear that in mind," Okasama replied politely. She waited until they were out of earshot before turning to Otousama. "Well?"

"Ryouji is uncertain, but I think I've swung him," Otousama said briefly. "As for Akitaka, it's as you just heard. If they were in the same room, he'd probably beat our man half to death himself."

"That's very rare of him," Okasama mused. "Well, he's always had passions and principles."

"And a vested interest, Yamada tells me," Otousama said, glancing at me. "Well, let's leave it at that. Shall we go?"

I followed on behind them, feeling glum. "Sorry about that," I said quietly. "Antagonism between our families has a long and deep history…"

"I kinda got that feeling, yeah," Natsuki said, scratching her right arm. "Did you know they'd be here?"

I shook my head. I really should have guessed.

"Well, it's pretty awkward, but we just have to avoid them," Natsuki said. "No problem."

"That's true." I sighed, looking down at my feet again. "Do you want to know something interesting?"

"Go ahead."

"I-" I sighed, and rubbed my forehead. "Never mind. It isn't important."

Natsuki snorted. "Strange girl."

I shook my head, bringing myself together. Being thrust into gloom wouldn't achieve anything except another cycle of unwanted attention and unfortunate confessions. If that's the case, it's best to be shameless and smile. That will also reinforce what she thinks of me, which is perhaps to the good. For Haruka Suzushiro, a girl who never knows ambivalence, hating me is fine.

Or would that count as patronising her?

"Here's a tip, Kuga," Otousama said shortly as we approached the hall. "We're going to spend the best part of an hour on the same pleasantries and condolences from everyone in the room in turn, so you should probably disappear and find yourself a place with your friends in the corner."

Natsuki snorted. "I appreciate the thought, but no thanks. I'll bear with it all by Shizuru, so you can introduce me to all of them." She raised a hand and sighed. "It's the right thing to do, isn't that what you'd say otherwise? It can't be helped if you're troublesome people."

Otousama snorted. "I see. In that case, don't complain about this."

Our footmen bowed and pushed both doors open, and we walked into the hall. There was less people than I was used to on these occasions, purely our immediate circle, but even then there were more than enough people to be getting on with. I steeled myself for the ideal, and spared a wry smile for Natsuki. "An admirable resolve you'll probably regret, I'm afraid."

"We still have the touch, after all," Saaya said, smiling and rejoining the group. The first people moving to intercept us closely followed her.

"She doesn't run away either," Natsuki said, putting her hands together in an imitation of my posture.

"I suppose not," I said, plastering my face with a vacant smile and turning to face people I hadn't seen much of for years. It was strangely comforting. But considering I was more than used to this circumstance, I suppose that shouldn't come as a surprise.

Everyone was there, of course. I'm not sure if that was an uncomfortable circumstance for them, but they did have Reito. And Haruka, actually. She looked cheerful enough, and as loud as she's ever been. Honestly, troubles slide off her like water. Yukino was talking quietly to Mai-chan. Taira was there too, actually, along with his sisters, standing between Reito and Haruka. I suppose that's typical of him. And Akira was standing well out of the way, her gaze meeting mine briefly before flickering elsewhere, Takumi by her side. They're cute together, to be sure. And Tate was patiently bearing with everything, just as always, if half-sulking that his altogether too-popular girlfriend was paying attention to others again. And Shiho, too, was a little way from the others but talking to Mikoto, and when she noticed my brief glance they both waved cheerfully.

And I can see all of them very clearly, and past and future runs together. One day, Shiho will grow out of Mai-chan's shadow, and Mikoto will probably never change, but beneath her smile there will be more understanding, and Tate-kun may even realise that you don't have to be able to balance on the flat of a blade and sucker-punch people to be a good person, and I'm sure Takumi will one day reconcile being gentle and being in love with an assassin- or has he already done that? – and Akira will definitely have to work out being in love as an assassin at some point, and Reito might forgive himself, and Mai, Mai-chan will probably always be herself. But perhaps she'll find some time to worry about herself. And Yukino might even learn how to speak for herself, and as for Haruka, one day, she'll stop missing the wood for the trees. Perhaps not any time soon, though. But- so, so- we aren't there yet, are we? Just surviving is a great gift, because it allows us to get on with our lives, and end up in such ways. And being superior is a fine thing, but one day Natsuki will be able to match her temper to her wits, and become as right as she's supposed to be. And as for me, at the least, perhaps, I'll be able to stop overcomplicating myself with thoughts like this. And I'll learn to be honest, as well, stronger and truer to myself, the person I should have been long ago. But now I've come this far it'll be all the truer because I know my own darkness.

I understand now, this politeness, the exchanged words, the false smiles, all of that is just trappings. I also understand why that Otousama despises Akitaka-san and considers him one of the most worthy individuals he knows.

But I'm still myself, and I'm already drawing loops and lines about everyone in my head. This train of thought in itself proves that. And once this is done with and the dance begins, perhaps, I'll trouble Taira for his time and glance at Haruka like so, and she will glare at me like this, and she'll understand because she's everyone's idiot but nobody's fool, and the two most eligible heiresses in the room will trouble many people for a dance. And if I have the chance, I'll dance with Natsuki as well, and then Haruka will only have one person to turn to. At the least, it will be an interesting situation. The only question is whether Natsuki will forgive me, but I'm sure I can apologise afterwards.

Natsuki touched my shoulder, glancing at me. "What's up? Spacing out already? I thought you were supposed to be good at this?"

I met her emerald eyes and smiled. "I'm sorry for that. I'll see what I can do." The way her hand tightens slightly before pulling away, and the way our gazes meet delicately for a few seconds before we turn away, that's everything, after all.

Standing like this, we can bear through everything together.


	77. Chapter 77

**Windows of the Soul**

I stopped typing and saved my work, before leaning back and stretching out my arms in satisfaction. All done. Well, apart from proofreading and any necessary changes, at least, but this will do for now. And when I checked my watch, I had plenty of time, too. So I closed the window, stepping into the en suite and checking my hair in the mirror. It was fine, but I brushed it anyway. I splashed water over my face, too, and checked my reflection. In spite of all the disturbances this week had brought, I'd been getting enough sleep, somehow. That probably won't last when things start getting serious, but in the meantime, there wasn't that much work to do. So provided you left parties at a decent time, you'd be fine. And that was fine by me. I didn't particularly like parties, and in any case, playing hard to get also worked. Especially when everyone already seems to know you, or know of you, and wants to know you. Any hopes that I might spend my university years in indulgent, comfortable normality were shattered by the fact that, yes, the students of the Kyoto University had seen enough of the news to know about that loud Shinri guy, and his daughter too. I'm not going to go so far as to call it a problem, but it's worth bearing in mind.

I glanced at myself one last time. Hm. Was black the best choice? It was tempting to change into one of my white outfits, after all. But while they were fine for summer, this one made me feel more adult. On the other hand, these clothes do make me stand out even more than I would otherwise. They seem aggressive, somehow. It was a difficult decision, not at all helped by the fact that Hideko wasn't here. Perhaps I'll phone her later and ask, but troubling her at this time of day would be problematic, after all.

I sighed and checked my watch again, but it was still too early for me to justify going right now. So I stepped back into the room itself and sat on my bed, picking up today's newspaper and scanning over the contents again. I flicked to the editorials, reading another banal analysis on the resignation of a prominent government minister. I'd read it already, though, and got bored after the second paragraph. So I folded the newspaper and put it aside, before standing and looking around for any extra mess I needed to clear up beforehand. Only there wasn't really anything, or at least, nothing in sight. That would also come with time. In the meantime I knew that my clothes weren't folded as well as they should be, but I wasn't in the mood to get them all out and fix it one by one. Instead, I sat on my bed, put my hands on my lap, and resisted the urge to look at my watch. I thought about trying to read more of my first course texts, then decided against it. I doubted that I'd take any of it in.

I'm like a child on the night before her birthday, after all. It's a bit undignified and something of a problem for me. But I can't go now, I'd only end up standing around for ages, and there wouldn't be much point in calling her either. So I was stuck.

I ended up falling on the last recourse of the bored, my computer. Checking the news quickly proved that there were really no interesting developments to speak of. More of the same. So I checked on my shares for a bit, just to make sure that the world economy hadn't imploded while I was writing an essay and worrying about my hair. It hadn't, though, and when I checked my watch I still had time to kill. So I decided to indulge myself a little, and brought up my picture folder. We're not a photograph family, sadly, but I was glad I'd managed to get a few taken. I'm not a hugely sentimental person, so I think of them as ways to aid the memory.

Everyone after the party, which had gone altogether according to plan. I feel sorry for Yukino's feet. Mai-chan persuaded Haruka to appear in the photo, though she stayed well away from me. But she was still smiling in her violently happy way, as if all was right with the world, of course, she was Haruka Suzushiro. It was natural, wasn't it? And Yukino, who looked like she thought the same thing, because she could stay next to Haruka-chan. Her loyalty is endearing, to be sure. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? I'm not sure, those calls are hard to make, and change with our life's circumstances. It's not my place to pass judgement on other people's feelings.

The photos from when we were in the park were there, too, all of us playing around very carelessly. And a shot of Akira and Takumi, long after that point, the former looking gloomily at the camera while the latter just smiled cheerfully. The girls hard at work in the kitchen, under the direction of Mai-chan, during which time I managed to get out of work by claiming stomach cramps. Natsuki berated me later, of course, but it's surprisingly cute to watch her play at cook, so I couldn't help myself. Natsuki asleep, with her face resting on one of her textbooks. She still hasn't forgiven me for that, while I simply can't believe she stayed like that throughout the time it took to find the camera. But she looked very cute there, too. Otousama's kenjutsu class at the end of the summer, now swollen by our young students. "Demon" was the most flattering term the regulars found to describe Mikoto-chan, with the respect of mortal terror. Though they spared a thought for their master's daughter, the teenage girl who was said to match his abilities when he was fighting all out, though they didn't know the outcome. I remember it clearly, though, so that's another memory. And another of my favourites, Natsuki and I. This one was different from before, though. Now she faced the camera and smiled sincerely, holding onto me as I held onto him, and even though she was far older now she looked younger than she'd been then. And I'm afraid I was looking equally foolish. This was the happy memory she passed to me before our parting.

Or rather, that was one of them. I still remember what we did later in the evening, still wearing her matching kimono, when she snuck into my room. She said she wanted to give me something to miss. I put my chin on my hands, staring at the photo and dwelling on that particular memory.

"Hm. Nice kimono."

I jumped in my chair, head snapping round to look at the person leaning over my chair. "Xiu?"

"Of course it's me." She pushed her long black hair over her ear, continuing to study my photo with interest.

I sighed. "For the last time, don't sneak up on me like that. You gave me a heart attack."

"It's not as if I snuck up on you," Xiuying replied impassively. "I had assumed that you'd notice the door being opened. You were really concentrating, though."

"Well, putting that aside, shouldn't you at least knock?" I asked, smiling wanly and turning back to the photo.

Xiuying shrugged. "The door was open. I assumed it wasn't a big deal."

"And what makes you try to open closed but unlocked doors?" I mused. "Well, don't answer that. I'm glad you like the kimono, at least."

"You look very different. Do you have it with you?" Xiuying inquired.

I touched my nose. As ever, she dodges the difficult questions. "Yes, though I don't expect to get much use out of it. Only formal occasions, and even then, it's too loud for tea ceremony and the like. But I'm fond of it."

"Ah. So that's how it is." Xiuying folded her arms, looking past me again. "I'm surprised, though. It's very un-Shizuru to be so girlish."

"So you know me that well, now?" I asked dryly. "Besides that, what do you mean, girlish? That's appropriately affectionate behaviour, you know."

"It must be a different tradition," Xiuying said, her verbal shrug. "And the other person?"

"That's Natsuki," I said. "I've mentioned her a little, haven't I?"

"I see. So this is her. She's surprisingly pretty, isn't she?"

I arched an eyebrow. "Why surprising?"

"You advertised her as a stubborn and never-smiling girl. In any case, it's rare to be pretty, so isn't it always surprising?" Xiuying cocked her head slightly. "Though isn't a little undignified, wearing your hair down like that?"

"This was hardly a formal occasion," I said, turning to regard her again. I checked my watch. Still a few more minutes at the earliest. "In any case, did you come in for a reason?"

"I'm all done with that essay, so I'm bored," Xiuying said simply. "Are you done?"

I nodded. "Yes. I'm also finished."

"I thought that would be the case." Xiuying stepped back and sat on my bed. "Are you doing anything today?"

"I am, actually. I'll be heading to the station in a few minutes," I said. "I'm meeting up with Natsuki there."

"Hm. I thought she was a High Schooler?"

"She is, but she said she'd come this week, just to make sure I was settling in," I said, turning my chair sideways and looking at her. I chuckled. "It's a rather silly worry and a very long way to come, but I'm not going to stop her today. It gives me something to do."

"So that's how it is." Xiuying scrutinised me thoughtfully. "She's one of the girls from the hostage situation, isn't she?"

"Ara, you have a good memory. Or was that an educated guess?" I scratched my cheek. "I'm almost sure I didn't tell you."

"A little of both. But she doesn't look like an unlucky person either." Xiuying looked vaguely disappointed.

"You'd be surprised," I said, leaning back in my chair. "Actually, she's a very unlucky person. But she wouldn't like me to say that, because she's never made a big deal about it."

"People who are unlucky don't do that, though. Only insincere people and lucky people talk in a big way," Xiuying said.

I smirked. "Odd logic."

"That's how it is." Xiuying shrugged. "You're the same."

"Am I? Natsuki wouldn't say that, and she'd have good reason…" I said, closing my eyes. "Well, in any case, it's an unnecessarily morbid topic. Shall we talk about something else?"

"Of course. I was being thoughtless." She played with her hair thoughtfully. "What are you going to do today? With Natsuki-chan?"

"I'm not sure," I admitted. "We'll probably eat lunch together somewhere, and then see what we feel like."

"That's a surprisingly casual attitude. Since she came all this way, shouldn't you have something special planned?"

"Well, even if I went that far, I'm not sure she'd like it or go along with it," I said, folding my hands in my lap. "If you think about it that way, isn't staying flexible and considerately going along with her more considerate?"

"I see. It must be a different tradition," Xiuying deadpanned. I'm still not sure whether she's serious or deeply and calmly ironic when she says that. "I'm sure you know her best, of course."

"Possibly I'm just being lazy, of course," I said, smiling. "It's rather difficult for me to tell. But I can ask her and see what she says. In any case, it's about time I got going." I stood and walked over to the hook on the door, retrieving my jacket and putting it on.

"I see. Can I come as far as the station?" she asked, standing and glancing at me. "I'd like to see if she looks unlucky normally."

And that's definitely not a serious comment. But she's still straight-faced. "If you like," I said, after a moment's hesitation. "But Natsuki tends to be shy around strangers, so-"

"I won't trouble you or disturb your day after that. I have other things to do myself."

I nodded and smiled. "Then it's fine. If I can't show her that I have at least one friend, she'd surely worry about me anyway."

"Then that's fine," Xiuying echoed. "I'll fetch my coat."

I watched her go, rather glad I didn't have to finish any sentence about Natsuki being shy. Decorum is important, but even so…

We left the building together, Xiuying outlining the shortcomings she saw in Smith's emphasis on meritocracy as we went. Mercifully, I'm also interested in things like that, so we managed to have a useful discussion. We also met several other students on our way down, all of whom greed us. They all know my name, which is something of a problem. Even the ones who had initially missed my presence were informed soon enough, and sure enough, the steady conditions of my time at Fuka were introduced to an establishment many times the same size overnight. I don't get to rest, sadly.

"Ah, it's Shizuru-san!"

Precisely. I looked up and smiled. "Ah, Fuyuki-san. Good morning. You look well."

"Always am," he replied flippantly. "Though it's be great if Izumi turned up soon. What are you two up to?"

"We're walking to the station," Xiuying said briefly. "Shizuru is meeting with a friend."

Since when did I become Shizuru, anyway? But I've accepted and returned it. Maybe they really do things differently in China.

"Really?" Hiro asked, looking from Fuyuki to us. "Would it be okay if I tagged along?"

"If you're trying to impress Shizuru, there'll be no hope for you," Xiuying said, with her typical coolness.

"Xiu, that's rude," I chided gently. I turned my attention to Hiro and smiled. "Of course you can come. Just as far as the station, though."

"So there you go," Fuyuki said, shoving Hiro towards us. "Knock yourself out."

"Well, if it's okay, I will," Hiro said, giving me a grateful look.

I smiled encouragingly, confident that doing so wouldn't give him the wrong kind of encouragement. "Then let's go."

"You're a very indulgent person," Xiuying complained, following me.

Hiro trailed us a little. "How are you finding the essay, Yao-san? It's tough, isn't it?"

"Not particularly. Though it's very troubling if it has to be on such an outdated theory. I didn't take History for a reason," Xiuying groused.

"Do you think so? But it definitely has historical importance…"

"That's another misconception to begin with," she said. "There have been dozens of economic theories written by different people throughout history. Greeks, Arabs, Chinese. Picking out Smith in particular is just another example of completely inappropriate historical Eurocentrism."

And the conversation continued like that for some time, leaving poor Hiro-kun a little bemused. Either Xiuying has surprising failures of perception or she can deadpan playing hard to get, as well. That's another area where her inscrutability is a little troublesome.

But she talks a little differently around him, too.

I mostly kept silent while we travelled to the station, turning to them when we arrived. "Well, here we are," I said, turning to them. "Thanks for keeping me company. I might have to wait for a while before she arrives, so you two should probably go and do something else. It's best to make the most of your time, right?"

"I want to see Natsuki-chan," Xiuying said stubbornly. "We can go after that, right?"

"I suppose that would be fine," I said, turning away.

"Are you doing anything after this, Yao-san?" Hiro asked, surprisingly clearly.

"Undoubtedly something. I just haven't decided what," Xiuying said calmly. "Maybe reading in the library would be fine."

I closed my eyes, deciding against interceding.

"I was thinking, then, perhaps we could do something together."

"That's a good idea," Xiuying said thoughtfully.

"Good," Hiro said, in the bright tone of someone who hadn't planned this far ahead and was now working out what to say next.

"I haven't had a chance to look around at all. You do know the city, right?"

"Of course," said Hiro, who comes from Tokyo.

I checked my watch. Not yet. It was very tempting to ring her up, but she might laugh at me, especially if she was close. Should I or shouldn't I?

"Then that's fine. I need to learn much more."

Ah. Now a large group of people were coming out, so if I was lucky…

"I'll see what I can do," Hiro said. "But we should probably eat first, right?"

"Shizuru!"

My head snapped round, and Natsuki was there, walking smartly towards me. She waved vigorously with her right hand, before dropping it and glancing curiously at the other two. "Good morning," she said, coming to a stop before me.

"Good morning. I'm glad you could make it. I'm sorry for troubling you so much, too." I smiled at her, feeling glad to see her. Natsuki is best for me, it would seem. "By the way, there two are Xiuying and Hiro, two more economics students."

"Yo," Natsuki said, glancing at them.

"Pleased to meet you," Xiuying said, nodding, while Hiro just nodded and said hi.

Natsuki took a step closer to me, giving them a searching look. "Nice to meet you. It'd be awesome if she had some actual friends this time around."

"That's very embarrassing, you know," I said, feigning hurt.

"But I'm not wrong, am I? You just had subordinates and fans," Natsuki said, glancing lazily at me.

"I am emphatically not a subordinate of anyone," Xiuying said seriously. She brought her hands together and bowed again. "In any case, it's a pleasure to meet you. Have fun."

"Same to you," Natsuki said, watching her go. Hiro waved and walked after her. "Did I offend her or something?"

"Not really. She's always like that, that's all," I said reassuringly. "And she was very interested in you."

"So you've made friends with another strange person," Natsuki said, sighing. "I should have seen that one coming."

"It's not strange at all to be interested in Natsuki, you know," I said. "So that's a little unfair."

"If you say so. And it's not as if I'm normal, either." Natsuki put her hands behind her head, stretching vigorously. "Ugh. That journey is long, though. It's tiring, even this early in the morning. I don't like trains either."

"I'm sorry about this," I said. "Next time, I'll go. But disappearing on my first weekend might leave a bad impression."

"I told you, didn't I?" Natsuki said, glancing at me. "You're the one going to university. I can manage at Fuka, and Mai helps me… whether I like it or not. So this way is best, trains or no trains."

"I think you're overestimating the amount of work we do, at least for now," I said calmly, starting to walk. "Where do you want to eat? I've found a few good restaurants. Or else I could fix you something in our kitchen, but it won't be anything fancy."

"I'm fine with anything," Natsuki said lightly, adjusting the strap of her shoulder bag. "Whatever you think best."

"Then we're at an impasse, because that was my thought as well," I said cheerfully. "I suppose that we should go all out, though, since it's a special occasion."

"That sounds fine by me," Natsuki said. "But nothing too expensive, okay? You're a university student now. It's institutionalised poverty."

"Try as I might to live in such an earnest and sincere way, no one told Otousama, I'm afraid," I said. "Besides, I've been fairly good all week, so I want to treat us both a little."

"Well, if you insist, I can't stop you," Natsuki said. "How's the old man, anyway? Still in touch?"

"He rang me up yesterday evening, for a brief talk," I said. "Mostly about what I was studying, though."

Natsuki snorted. "Of course. He really doesn't change, does he?"

"I'm sure you prefer him that way," I teased. "And of course, Okasama talked to me for longer. I'm hardly homesick, of course, as I'm more than used to this from the start."

"That figures. But it's her style to call, too. You know, though, she called me for a bit yesterday." Natsuki pushed her hair over her shoulder, looking around the street thoughtfully. "Very odd."

I giggled. "Ara. I think you've been adopted, after all."

"Seems that way." Natsuki smiled, looking up. "I guess I'll forgive her for that…"

"She'll be glad for that." I glanced at her, remembering to thank Okasama later, then looked away again. "And Hideko, too. She's working very hard with Saaya."

"It kinda worries me, the way you guys think so long term," Natsuki mused. "Well, she's a good person."

"Certainly," I said, stopping by the lights and waiting. "I'm a very lucky person, in many ways, and that's one of them."

Natsuki smirked. "Don't feel too special. Everyone has people they care about, right?"

I nodded. "I suppose so, yes."

I tried to work out where to go. Somewhere Natsuki would be comfortable in. Preferably without too many other students, and certainly without Xiuying and Hiro. That would be a particularly awkward piece of serendipity.

"In any case, how have you been doing here?" Natsuki asked. "People okay?"

"I'm doing fine, I can assure you." The light turned green, so I started to cross. "Over the past week I've been asked out by six different people, though. It's a little troublesome."

"It sure is tough for me, knowing it's you we're talking about," Natsuki said dryly. "This stuff just happens. In any case, I hope you didn't hurt their feelings too much."

"Ara. Who said anything about turning them down?" Natsuki punched me playfully on the shoulder. "Don't worry, I was gentle. I always am."

"I'm not sure if I should be glad about that or not," Natsuki said seriously.

"Well, I'm a little unlucky too, since Natsuki is so attractive," I said. "I hope you've been doing okay."

"Of course. Guys know not to approach me, for their own good. I've worked hard on that reputation, you know, so rest easy." Natsuki prodded me on the arm. "So you should hurry up and become as unapproachable and aloof as Kaichou Fujino again, for my peace of mind."

I giggled. "I'll bear that in mind. I told them all I was already involved with someone else, though, and I think that has spread a little. So there's no need to worry too much."

"Really? Well, I guess that works too." Natsuki stuck her right hand in the pocket of her jeans, holding the strap of her bag with her left. "Looks like you have friends, too."

I nodded. "Well, I know far too many people. My name has preceded me, and I'm something of a minor celebrity, if I can be so bold. Lots of people asking me about the hostage situation."

Natsuki grunted. "Ugh. I had that too, you know. It kinda pisses me off."

"I know what you mean, but it feels like telling them simply and calmly is more effective than just shouting them down," I said. "Perhaps I'm just naturally indulgent. How does Chinese sound?"

I doubt Xiuying would ever go to such a restaurant. No doubt they'd get it _wrong_.

"Sounds good. I haven't had that in a while." Natsuki rubbed the back of her head. "When was the last time I had Chinese, actually?"

I smiled. "I can't remember offhand either. So it should be interesting."

"Sounds dangerous," Natsuki quipped, following me down a side street. "In any case, I hope you have some friends who are interested in you-you too."

"That was almost poetic." I blinked briefly, remembering where to go next. "But I get on very well with Xiuying. Eccentric or no, we have similar backgrounds and interests. And I get on well with a few of the others in particular, too."

"Which one is eccentric, I wonder?" Natsuki teased. "And who was the guy?"

"Hiro? I know him less well. He's after Xiuying. I'm not quite sure why, she doesn't encourage him… but she doesn't discourage him, either, after all."

"Teenagers," Natsuki said dismissively. "Well, I guess it gives them something to do."

I smiled, stopping in front of the restaurant and checking the menu for reasonable prices. "Ara. Should you really talk like that?"

"It's a matter of rights, you know," Natsuki said, folding her arms. "Rights. Mai did this to me when she got with Tate, so I'm damned if I'm going to act any less superior."

I giggled, opening the door and stepping in. "Is that so? How are they doing, anyway? The same as ever?"

"The same as ever," Natsuki agreed. "The best and least interesting outcome."

"Then I'll work hard to imitate them." I nodded at the waiter. "Table for two, please."

"Everyone says hi, by the way," Natsuki said. "They've all pretty much settled down. Well, insofar as Mikoto can at all… Mai's having a harder time now Reito's gone, mind."

I followed the waiter to one of the open tables. "And Reito says hi, too. He says he's doing fine, and so is Haruka."

"So Mai says too, they're in touch. Tate sure is confident." Natsuki sat, sliding her bag under the table. "In any case, Tokyo Uni, huh? I'm half-surprised you didn't go there too."

"Home is home, after all," I said cheerfully.

"I can't argue with that. I mean, you could probably have stayed at home to begin with, forget being able to visit whenever you like." Natsuki took a menu from me. "Or would that be too troublesome for the old man?"

"It's the same principle as before, my independence," I said. "This time, with no servants either. But I have no objection to that."

"Though you don't have to worry about money," Natsuki reminded me. "Well, I should be so different, except I'm not."

"Xiuying is the same, it's very troubling," I mused, my eyes sweeping down the menu. "But there are normal people too."

"As if Fuka is much different, with that huge-ass campus," Natsuki pointed out. "It's hardly something to worry about."

"You're right, of course," I admitted. "But I worry, all the same. In any case, I take it you've been doing fine too? Your arm looks better still."

"It's fine now," Natsuki said, raising it and forming a fist by way of demonstration. "I guess that's our bogus magic for you."

"I'm just sad we missed the beach season, all the same," I said. "Though I'm sure we could use them at some point, anyway…"

"Now that's a thought," Natsuki said. "I'll bring mine next time. Could be fun."

"Kyoto isn't famous for its beaches, you know," I said lightly. "Well, we can manage."

"We can manage," Natsuki echoed. She looked down at the menu, grimacing. "And what's with all the complicated food? Are you sure this isn't some crazy formal place?"

"They haven't taken our coats, so it's fine," I pointed out. "In any case, a meal for two is fine, right?"

I wonder what Xiuying and Hiro are having. I hope they have a good atmosphere too, anyway, but I do wonder.

"Hm. I guess so." Natsuki sighed. "You choose. I don't know one thing from the other."

"Well, it's not like I do either…" I said warning, but I decided anyway, before closing my menu. Natsuki did the same. "In any case," I said, glancing at her. "It's a little early, but you have any preliminary thoughts on what to do after lunch? There's still plenty to see in Kyoto even after our days out."

"I don't know," Natsuki said. "I think I'd rather see the university up close." She glanced at me. "And your room, too. I want to see how messy it is."

"You might be in for a disappointment," I said, glancing wryly at her. "I keep my underwear in the drawers."

"Yeah, right. We'll see how long that lasts. It'll be all over the floor soon enough."

"In a few weeks time, or today?" I said as loudly as I dared.

Natsuki flushed slightly, but grinned back. "Which, I wonder…"

"Can I take your order?"

Schooled by Xiuying, I didn't jump. Instead, I looked up and placed my order politely.

"In any case, going back sounds fine," Natsuki said, once I was done. "We can always go out again later, right?"

"That's true enough," I agreed. "Though I'm wondering if my room is something we should anticipate. If you are staying overnight, you'll be there for a while, after all."

"More to look forwards to," Natsuki said. "And that's fine by me, because what I have in mind will take a while."

"Is that so?" I asked innocently. "It isn't more homework, is it?"

"No, it isn't, damnit," Natsuki said, pouting at me. "Have you any idea how hard I worked to do everything on the night it was set, just so we wouldn't be interrupted all weekend?"

"Then I'm sorry for that, but you don't have to force yourself," I said. "I like helping Natsuki with her homework."

"Well, I want to do more interesting things, so there," Natsuki said, folding her arms.

I'm glad she can do that properly again. It's so very Natsuki. I rested my chin on my right hand, cocking my head slightly. "Ara. That feels a little pressurising, actually. Does Natsuki have high expectations of me?"

"Well, it depends how you think about these things," Natsuki said innocently. "At the end of the day, it's pretty straight-forwards stuff. But it's more fun because I'm doing it with you."

"Ara. Then I'll try not to disappoint," I said, a little pleased by her daring. "So what is it you have in mind, exactly?"

"There's a comfortable place for two people in your room, right?"

"I'm sure we can manage," I assured her.

"And how about a DVD player?" Natsuki smirked at my expression, leaning down and picking up her bag "I'm relying on my intuition here, but I don't think you've ever seen Sailor Moon."


End file.
